#it does make me wonder what Antony’s opinions on things would be but i’d have to construct them from his later behavior

[brother-emperors]

Could I ask for your thoughts on why you say that Cassius should have been Crassus' political heir ?

so largely I’m half referencing this collection of quotes and the various attempts to fill in the space/grave with a body (like Cicero! Cicero was a contender for this!) and I’m sort of taking shots at Antony for fun and whimsy.

like in sports!! I gotta root for my man Cassius over Antony, especially because no one can actually fill the space left by Crassus after his death (literally, the political landscape makes this impossible), but Cassius assumes a command position due to everyone else (notably, Crassus) dying (so: inheriting Crassus’ leadership position) and wouldn’t be a bad follow up to Crassus in the realm of military command since they have a similar (strict, as opposed to friendly in a way is commonly associated with Antony) relationship with the men under their command.

& also bc Marcus Crassus jr seems to be disinterested in taking up space in the political spotlight on his return from the Gallic Wars otherwise I’d be advocating for him on the basis of family tragedy compounded. it’s time to fill the space/memory/grave of your father and brother, buddy!

[haec-est-fides]

Filodox’s Trials of Apollo Reactions [Part I]

Welcome to part one of a reflective journey through Trials of Apollo ft. my original ebook annotations! I’ll be your host, 2020!filodox.

For this first episode, we’ll be going back to May 2016, the beginning of it all: The Hidden Oracle.

Annotations for this round are brought to you by 2016!filodox.

Is there anything we should know before we begin, 2016!me?

2016!filodox: I swore on the Styx never to read another Riordan book after he killed Octavian. And yet here we are.

... Alright then! Let’s get started.

But first, a more detailed overview on how this series will work: I will excerpt bits and pieces of the books based on what I highlighted / annotated on my first read. Beneath each quote, I will share what I wrote in the annotation. Below that, I will (occasionally) laugh at my past self, clarify the note, or say how my view has changed.

I encourage questions, comments, and concerns (of which there may be many), so go ahead and use that replies feature if you feel so inclined! However, these are just my opinions and (occasionally) emotional reactions, so no hate pls. <3 (Or, if you do send hate, pls make it funny.)

Now, diving right in with Riordan’s dedication!

To The Muse Calliope. This is long overdue. Please don’t hurt me.

2016!filodox: Hurt him. He didn’t even name the chapters.

As you can see, I had yet to experience Lester’s haiku and was already mad based on the table of contents alone. I went into this series very salty...

I inflicted a plague on the Greeks who besieged Troy.

2016!filodox: At least he did something right. Once.

I was just,,,extremely ready to die on Octavian’s hill. (Though I was a huge Troy / Aeneas stan before all this, just to be clear.)

Is anything sadder than the sound of a god hitting a pile of garbage bags?

2016!filodox: I actually find this particular god crashing into a dumpster quite amusing.

I also blamed Apollo for what happened to Octavian. I think that had a lot to do with how Apollo acted on Delos in Heroes of Olympus, basically disowning Octavian and whining about how some “creature” scammed him? That was bullshit. Apollo needed to own the fact that he blessed Octavian, but he just abandoned him and denied all the blame. TL;DR I had a grudge, okay?

My mind stewed in confusion, but one memory floated to the surface -- the voice of my father, Zeus: YOUR FAULT. YOUR PUNISHMENT.

2016!filodox: Wait, is this bc everyone blames Octavian and therefore Apollo? Bc lol but also no?

*cough* Octavian did nothing wrong 2k16 *cough*

Zeus will reconsider, I told myself. He’s just trying to scare me. Any moment, he will yank me back to Olympus and let me off with a warning.

“Yes...” My voice sounded hollow and desperate. “Yes, that’s it.”

2016!filodox: Apollo is a self centered frat boy, I forgot...but it is slightly...endearing? *narrows eyes*

Ah, how close I was to stanning Lester in the first chapter, when he was at his most “goddy”. You know, I actually made a rule for myself when I started reading Trials of Apollo that I would not under any circumstances stan Apollo. That was a naive goal, because it was never really a danger.

Regardless, Zeus had held me responsible for Octavian’s delusions of grandeur. Zeus seemed to consider egotism a trait the boy had inherited from me. Which is ridiculous. I am much too self-aware to be egotistical.

2016!filodox: I am going to Murder him.

*chef kiss* the hypocrisy ! the lack of self-awareness !

“I just...I assumed -- I hoped this would be taken care of by now.”

“You mean by demigods,” Percy said, “going on a big quest to reclaim the Oracle of Delphi?”

2016!filodox: That sounds like a decent quest, or you know, QUESTING FOR THE SIBYLLINE BOOKS

I’ve always said I can see the future but an inch to the left. Also, I don’t like Ella.

It warmed my heart that my children had the right priorities: their skills, their images, their views on YouTube. Say what you will about gods being absentee parents; our children inherit many of our finest personality traits.

2016!filodox: AND HE’S MAD ABOUT OCTAVIAN?!

I mean ?

Apollo, when Austin and Kayla show ambition: THEY GOT THAT FROM ME <3

Apollo, when Octavian (or Nero, or Caligula) shows ambition: srry i don’t know him ??

He had a weak jawline, an overlarge nose, and a beard that wrapped around his double chin like a helmet strap. His hair was curly and dark like mine, except not as fashionably tousled or luxuriant. His lips curled as if he smelled something unpleasant. Perhaps it was the burning seats of the bus.

2016!filodox: Nero ???

Not quite sure how to feel looking back at this moment. Call out post @ myself for instantly recognizing Nero, when afaik this scene was before we had any hints that Roman emperors were even a plot point? But here’s the thing: I don’t remember why I could recognize him so easily. I don’t remember where 2016!me obtained this ancient Rome knowledge. A mystery.

On another note entirely, did Nero really like,,,astral project into Apollo’s fever dream to address him directly? Because Rhea does. And sometimes Python does. But Nero? Can he do that?

The man laughed as flames licked at his purple sleeves. “You’re not sorry yet, but you will be. Find me the gates. Lead me to the Oracle. I’ll enjoy burning it down!”

2016!filodox: I too enjoy burning things down. # Nero confirmed

My only comment here is “oh you sweet summer child,,,”

Oh. Perhaps some of you are wondering how I felt seeing [Will] with a boyfriend rather than a girlfriend.

2016!filodox: No, actually. I wasn’t wondering. I was plotting how to kill you, them, and quite a few other people. Do you think I could trade you for Octavian?

Oh man, back at it again with the salt. XD

I could only remember my conversations with Octavian, the way he’d turned my head with his flattery and promises. That stupid boy...it was his fault I was here.

A voice whispered in the back of my mind. This time I thought it might be my conscience: Who was the stupid boy? It wasn’t Octavian.

2016!filodox: I can’t really...explain my emotions upon reading this. I’m still not quite okay, but this...it’s bittersweet in a way. I don’t know if this is a poor attempt at a proper closure, the author’s way of beating a dead horse, or just a way to make Apollo seem pitiable. Whatever it is... Octavian was important enough to remain in Apollo’s mortal memory. He somehow made promises to a god and had Apollo wrapped around his finger. And despite being so much like Apollo, the god blames him. Like everyone blames him. But Apollo also realizes, accepts on an infinitesimal scale, that “it wasn’t Octavian”. He wasn’t perfect, but neither is Apollo. Apollo is (at least) subconsciously admitting his own guilt in the whole affair.

...yeah. I will note that this bit isn’t meant to develop Octavian, but rather uses Octavian as a prop to support Apollo’s development? Which is why it still stings. Like thanks, I guess.

“Your judgement in the past has been...questionable. I wonder if you have chosen the right tools for this job. Have you learned from your past mistakes?”

2016!filodox: Nero has made plenty of mistakes to learn from

Love how I just assumed it was Nero back in chapter 10 and went with it, zero hesitation. Also love how I heard Python say Nero has made mistakes and went “oh absolutely”. In fact, here’s something funny in retrospect that will become more and more apparent: I did not like Nero in 2016. Or, at least, I thought I didn’t. There’s something really odd going on here that baffles me, looking back...

“A triumvirate is a ruling council of three,” I said. “At least, that’s what it meant in ancient Rome.”

“Which is interesting,” Rachel said, “because of this next shot.” She tapped her screen. The new photo zoomed in on the building’s penthouse terrace, where three shadowy figures stood talking together....

2016!filodox: Is it bad that I’m smirking? Because it’s getting interesting ~ *clear malicious intent*

Wow, edgy. Triumvirates are just a neat, Roman thing and I stanned.

“The last triumvirate I dealt with included Lepidus, Marc Antony, and my son, the original Octavian. A triumvirate is a very Roman concept...like patriotism, skullduggery, and assassination.”

2016!filodox: THIS IS WHAT I’VE BEEN TRYING TO TELL EVERYONE. MODERN OCTAVIAN IS A VERY GOOD ANCIENT ROMAN. POLITICS, ESPECIALLY SHADY AF POLITICS AND POWERPLAYS, ARE QUINTESSENTIALLY ROMAN. Also, I’d like to note that it’s confirmed, in this universe’s canon, that Augustus was a son of Apollo.

Ohhhh, wait. I think I’d watched the HBO series Rome by 2016, which would at least partially explain my ancient Rome knowledge. (Amazing tv show btw!)

“He heard them talking in Latin.”

“Latin? Were they campers?”

Pete spread his hands. “I--I don’t think so. Paulie described them like they were adults. He said one of them was the leader. The other two addressed him as imperator.”

2016!filodox: !!!! (obligatory 💕)

I was such a simp for Latin in high school. And the Roman Empire. Still am, but hey.

“The Beast is planning some kind of attack on your camp. I don’t know what it is, but it’s going to be big.”

2016!filodox: Runs in the family I guess

The Octavian / Triumvirate parallels are everywhere... 👀

“The emperors made themselves gods. They had their own temples and altars. They encouraged the people to worship them.”

2016!filodox: # deify me

*smacking my past self with a stick* You stop that! Edgy child!

Anyway, a much better point here is like,,,the Imperial cult was huge in the ancient Roman world. Looking at Apollo’s explanation here, why did only the “worst” three emperors get to be immortal? Did famously “good” emperors like Augustus and Marcus Aurelius have the option of becoming minor gods, but they chose Elysium or something? Are there slightly less infamous emperors just hanging around anywhere as minor gods? A lot of Roman emperors live on in human memory is all I’m saying.

“Wait!” Will said as I reached the door. “Who is the Beast? Which emperor are we dealing with?”

“The worst of my descendants.” My fingers dug into the doorframe. “The Christians called him the Beast because he burned them alive. Our enemy is Emperor Nero.”

2016!filodox: I honestly can’t believe it took this long to reveal this? Was anyone surprised?

Nero’s reveal is rather late in the book compared to Commodus, Caligula, and even Tarquin iirc? But it makes sense, being the first book of the series. Also love how 16-year-old me was like “this reveal is silly because everyone, like me, recognizes Nero on sight” and didn’t question that assumption at all.

“Germani.” Instinctively, I moved in front of Meg. The elite imperial bodyguards had been cold-blooded death reapers in ancient Rome. I doubted they’d gotten any sweeter over the centuries.

2016!filodox: BITCH. See? This is why I love Rome. They knew what they were doing.

Ngl, as someone of Germanic heritage, I felt really represented by the Germani, which is hilarious on so many levels.

He tried to compensate for his ugliness with an expensive Italian suit of purple wool, his gray shirt open to display gold chains. His shoes were hand-tooled leather, not the sort of thing to wear while stomping around in an ant pile. Then again, Nero had always had expensive, impractical tastes.

2016!filodox: I don’t exactly like Nero, and actually think he was quite the shitty emperor, but I guess I mildly respect and “like” him on principle (in this book at least).

OH YOU SWEET SUMMER CHILD. I was so convinced that I didn’t actually like Nero, despite all of the lowkey evidence to the contrary? Who hurt you, past me? (Lmao, it was Tacitus, Suetonius, and Cassius Dio.) My working theory is that I was too much of an Emperor Augustus stan at the time to admit liking Nero. It’s hysterical. Look at me equivocating like a champ.

I’d been so proud of my son, the original Octavian, later Caesar Augustus. After his death, his descendants became increasingly arrogant and unstable (which I blamed on their mortal DNA; they certainly didn’t get those qualities from me).

2016!filodox: I’m glad Apollo and I can agree on something. Augustus was amazing and those who came after him...significantly less so.

See! The propaganda really got to me, what can I say?

Nero clasped his hands as if in prayer. “Oh, my. It seems we’ve had a slight miscommunication. You see, Apollo, Meg brought you here, just as I asked her to. Well done, my sweet.”

2016!filodox: This was obvious but I still find it...gods, the only word I can think of is “delicious”

. . .

“The Beast killed my father. This is Nero. He’s -- he’s my stepfather.”

I could not fully grasp this before Nero spread his arms.

“That’s right, my darling,” he said. “And you’ve done a wonderful job. Come to Papa.”

2016!filodox: Okay, but we should have known this since it became apparent her weapons were Roman. Also, oof. Also also, WHY did Riordan feel the need to add that last line? Why?

ASDFGHJKL: I CAN’T

“After the fire, we’ll rebuild,” he said. “It will be glorious!”

2016!filodox: The amount of times I have used this very logic is worrying.

For (some) context, Firelord Ozai is my favorite character from AtLA. <3

The scene might have been funny except that the Germani were now back on their feet, five demigods and a geyser spirit were still tied to highly flammable posts, and Nero still had a box of matches.

2016!filodox: Oh, I find this plenty amusing!

The emperor stared at his empty hand. “Meg...?” His voice was as cold as an icicle.

2016!filodox: The various ways his tone / voice have been described throughout this conversation are just 💕

*looks at camera like I’m on The Office*

Seriously, though. Nero’s voice is like the central descriptive element of his character because he’s so manipulative. It’s really cool and a great use of detail.

[Meg] turned to Nero. “You told me never to lower myself to my enemies’ level.”

“No, indeed.” Nero’s tone had frayed like a weathered rope. “We are better. We are stronger. We will build a glorious new world. But these nonsense-spewing trees stand in our way, Meg. Like any invasive weeds, they must be burned. And the only way to do that is with a true conflagration -- flames stoked by blood.”

2016!filodox: Real 👏🏻 Gods 👏🏻 Require 👏🏻 Blood👏🏻

I was way too enthusiastic about this whole situation, wasn’t I?

Nero grinned. “Good-bye, Apollo. Only eleven more Olympians to go.”

2016!filodox: Wait, shit, WHAT

Having read Tower of Nero, this probably had something to do with Python interfering with the Fates, huh? But does that mean it’s more Python’s plan or Nero’s? If this was Nero’s plan (with his 12 kids literally replacing the Olympians) that’s,,,really fucking bold.

Then I heard the screaming from Camp Half-Blood.

2016!filodox: Music to my ears ~

I’m presenting every edgy detail of my annotations so I have a proper case file when I inevitably have to face the question “On a scale of one to ten, how relatable is Emperor Nero and why should you have realized it’s a ten sooner?”

In a flash of silver light, the camp’s magical barriers collapsed. The Colossus lurched forward and brought his foot down on the dining pavilion, smashing it to rubble like so many children’s blocks.

2016!filodox: Payback! Dear gods, I can’t stop smiling! I’m just like “YES!” I know this will all probably get fixed or whatever but I’M HAVING A MOMENT.

I’ve learned to appreciate the small wins. <3

Percy grabbed one of the crown’s sunray spikes. He sliced it off at the base, then jabbed it into the Colossus’ forehead.

2016!filodox: As much as Nero is FAR from my favorite, I really don’t like defacing ancient (or replicas of ancient) statues and art...

This is where I just start laughing at myself tbh. I was so insistent on not liking Nero. Like, I sound like I’m in denial. Peak equivocation. What happened to that heart emoji a few chapters back? Why did I suddenly make it about *checks notes* ancient art? Updated translation: nooo don’t ruin the Colossus Neronis it’s so sexy aha

Just as the [arrow] reached its apex and was about to fall back to earth, a gust of wind caught it...perhaps Zephyros looking kindly on my pitiful attempt. The arrow sailed into the Colossus’ ear canal and rattled in his head with a clink, clink, clink like a pachinko machine.

2016!filodox: HOW MANY EX MACHINAS IS THIS ?! The dryads, the arrow, Percy, the enchantment, and THIS ?

One of my criticisms of Trials of Apollo in general is just that the stakes are so much higher and Riordan usually solves that problem by having his heroes win on long odds. The chances of them succeeding at like,,,anything they attempt are astronomical, but of course they manage. It’s not surprising but it does get a little tiring.

“Yo, Nico,” Leo called, “please tell me that’s it for the physical abuse.”

“For now.” Nico smiled. “We’re still trying to get in touch with the West Coast. You’ll have a few dozen people out there who will definitely want to hit you.”

2016!filodox: Oh I’d love to hit him. With the flaming, Imperial gold payload of an onager. Preferably WITHOUT the Pontifex Maximus attached to it -- unless of course you mean the false pontifex, Jason Grace.

Leo was the salt in the wound for this one, ngl. He rekindled my undying ire over Octavian’s death. As I said at the beginning of this, I was extremely ready to die on Octavian’s hill after Heroes of Olympus. That sentiment sticks around for a while...

And we can call that a wrap!

Though it may seem like it, my annotations are not, in fact, a compilation of Nero’s greatest hits. There are a lot of scenes of his that I love (naturally) but I didn’t have anything to say about them when I first read the series. Maybe I’ll share those another time.

In any case, I hope you got something out of this ridiculously long post! Until next time! <3

[burnouts3s3]

Sakura Trick, a review

(Disclaimer: The following is a non-profit unprofessional blog post written by an unprofessional blog poster. All purported facts and statement are little more than the subjective, biased opinion of said blog poster. In other words, don’t take anything I say too seriously.) Just the facts 'Cause you're in a Hurry! Manufacturer’s Suggested Retail Price (MSRP): 29.99 USD. How much I paid: Nothing. I watched it on Crunchyroll for free with ads. Animation Studio: Studio DEEN Licensed and Localized by: Sentai Filmworks Audio: Japanese Audio with Subtitles only Number of Episodes: 12 Episodes Length per Episode: 25 Minutes on average. 21 Without Intro and Ending song. Number of Discs: 2 DVD Discs. 2 Blu-ray Discs. (DVD package is sold separately from Blu-ray package). Episodes per Disc: 6 Episodes per DVD Disc. Episodes 1-9 on the first Blu-ray disc with Episodes 10-12 on the second Blu-ray disc along with the special features Also on: Free on Crunchyroll with advertisements. Also available on Youtube and HiDive, the streaming service for Sentai Filmworks. A paid subscription is available but a Free Trial is available for viewing.   Bonus Features: Textless Opening and Textless Ending. My Personal Biases: I like other shows in the Shoujo Ai genre such as Mai Hime, Mai Otome, Maria Watches over Us, Strawberry Panic and yes, even Kannazuki no Miko/Destiny of the Shrine Maiden.   My Verdict: Sakura Trick doesn’t really revolutionize the genre in any significant way as it offers a slice-of-life comedy that just happens to feature lesbians. And maybe… that’s okay for now? Given all the tumultuous history the famous yuri couples had to go through just to be together, maybe just watching Haruka and Yuu hang out is just fine by itself. Check it out on Crunchyroll before buying.   Sakura Trick, a review

Haruka Takayama and Yuu Sonoda were inseparable during middle school, but upon entering high school, they end up being seated on opposite sides of the classroom. Having to spend time with more friends, the two decide to make their relationship special by kissing each other in secret. Joined in their year are Kotone and Shizuku, cousins who may share an intimate relationship of their own, Kaede, the class representative who reports to the student council and Yuzu, Kaede’s childhood friend and scooter enthusiast. The series follow the six friends as they go about their daily lives. However, Mitsuki, Yuu’s older sister and Student Council President, is suspicious that Yuu and Haruka’s relationship is more than a little friendly and attempts to spy on them, saying that two girls shouldn’t kiss at school. Mitsuki’s less like a Sachiko and more like a shy introvert who wonders why she keeps thinking of Haruka in a sexual manner. Haruka also suffers from occasional delusions concerning her and Yuu together.

Based on a 4-Koma series, each episode splits content between two storylines (which the show labels Side A and Side B). Look, some shows based on a 4-Koma are K-On, and sometimes they’re this show. It’s not spectacular in any sense of the word, but it’s not a complete waste of time. It’s all there: the first kiss, study groups, the pool episode, Christmas episode, New Year’s Episode, and other significant holidays. The set-up for the jokes is simple: there’s a typical high school situation, a misunderstanding occurs and the other character reacts in HILARIOUS fashion by shouting and having a chibi look. Those looking for girls kissing will be surely satisfied. Lots and lots of girls kissing. And what 2010s Yuri anime would it be without everyone’s favorite problematic trope, non-consensual touching and groping?

Don’t go in expecting K-on or Kyoto Animation levels of quality. Animation wise, it’s fairly standard. Studio DEEN did the animation and while there’s some detailed and colorful shots (like a concert scene or some kissing scenes at sunset), it’s mostly pastel colors and saves the colorful bits for the punchline or reactions. Haruka and Yuu’s relationship is fairly standard. They’re friends trying to figure out what to do as a couple and have misunderstandings, reactions and lots of shouting and kissing afterwards. What’s weird is that towards the end of the series, Yuu and Haruka aren’t sure if they’re ‘in love’ each other, despite having made out enough times to have swapped saliva with one another. In the end, Haruka and Yuu feel that maybe spending time with one another while kissing, is a form of ‘love’ even if they’re not sure if it’s considered a romance. What’s interesting is that the side couple, Kotone and Shizuku have a unique dynamic. It turns out that Kotone and Shizuku are related (I think they’re cousins?) and Kotone is actually crashing at Shizuku’s fancy mansion because she’s rebelling against her parents. Kotone actually has a fiancée and Shizuku is worried that she’s just a means of escape and is being used.

Kotone tells her that she loves Shizuku for being Shizuku. To me, I’d actually like to see more of that relationship. (Which I’m told goes into further detail concerning the impending marriage of Kotone’s fiancé in the manga). Subtext wise, there’s the hint of things ending too soon. The school is eventually shutting down in 3 years, meaning no new students will be accepted in after the first group of students graduate. There’s a sense of ‘these moments are our last, we should make them count’. CAVEAT: Sakura Trick is not anything extraordinary or dramatic. Then again, does it have to be? It was 2014. Given the respective hells Chikane, Himeko, Shizuru, Natsuki, Nagisa, Shizuma, Tamao, Neviril, Aeru, Hazumu, Tomari, Yasuna, Sumika, Ushio, Fumi, Akira, Antony and Utena had to go through, maybe it’s okay for a yuri couple just to be a yuri couple. The fact that there isn’t a love triangle (not a real one anyway) or a sci-fi concept or the threat of separation or shlocky soap opera antics (like in Citrus) is probably more refreshing to a couple like Yuu and Haruka. It’s short and sweet. And for 30 dollars for 12 episodes, it’s not too bad of a deal (especially in a market that’s asking for 38 dollars for 11 episodes for Sweet Blue Flowers or most egregious, 50 USD for 10 episodes of My First Girlfriend is a Gal). Verdict: If you’re still not sure, try checking out the series for free (with ads) on Crunchyroll.

[believerindaydreams]

Part three of "this was a bad idea", now moving in the direction of plot

Mountain air, crisp and cold. Now would be such a good time to have a cosy lab coat with reinforced stitching.

Arcade slides off the bedroll and curls into a tight ball so he can pull it over him, privately cursing the height that makes him too tall for everything. Again.

His patient is sleeping soundly besides him, pink and healthy-looking now, heaven knows how with the unpredictable bump-crash of the cart. They say a top-tier NCR soldier has survival training enough to cope with anything. Which this man has to be, else he wouldn't be here.

Not that he necessarily looks it. Heavy, stolid, at a guess he would have assumed a straightforward sniper type, the kind who sits in a cairn two miles off and takes out targets with expertise, not straight slugging. The NCR has a knack for fitting people into neat bureaucratic slots, and those suggest this man has no business being in the middle of the front lines- just sniping them. The mysteries pile up.

Not his usual type. Not really his type at all.

It helps to keep reminding himself of that, and the dignity of a doctor-patient relationship and the generally poor opinion that the Legion bears towards queers, because it is proving very, very difficult right now not to jump the other man's bones. It's cold. It's someone else who hates the Legion as much as he does. It's the first stir of arousal he's noticed since New Vegas and hormones are not helping the situation.

Arcade swallows and arranges his sleeping position with deliberate care. Lying on the cart's rough wood isn't so bad, he needs protection from the wind more. It's whipping up hard now.

He closes his eyes. Hates himself a little for being needy enough to put his hand out, looking for comfort.

It intersects with a hard, dusty palm, warmer than his own; and that simple contact is enough, for now. He falls asleep quickly.

***

When he wakes up the cart has stopped again, they're up high enough to make the air rasp in his lungs, and somebody has draped a dog hide over him. It stinks. It's none too thick, either; but he immediately guesses who was responsible for that gesture. Antony doesn't part with his dog relics unless he's been impressed.

So...

Arcade raises himself up, sees his patient kneeling at a nearby campfire. A stab of hunger hits him at the smell of stew, seasoned in a way uncharacteristic of slave cooking.

He heads over and sits down, rubbing blood back into cramped legs. "Did you get that from the regular mess, or swap for it from that explorer with the broken nose?"

"Second one. Why?"

"Because he says he had the recipe off a Fiend, and I have a fairly clear notion he means the one who liked eating human flesh."

"Huh," his patient says, spooning bubbling stew into a bowl. "After what I've seen, doesn't matter."

Can't argue with that, Arcade decides. He takes a squashed potato from his pack, starts hacking it into bits with a spoon. It'll boil quicker that way.

"You'll..." It feels like an unpardonable broach to say what he's going to say. "You'll need a name. A Legion one, I mean."

"Got one already. Karolus." There's a flicker over the man's face, almost a smile. "It'll last until I get back in Caesar's presence with a gun in my hand."

"They haven't issued you a replacement weapon?" There had been a trail carbine nearby, he remembers. Broken in half.

"Not how the Legion works, doc. I can't take Caesar with this goddamn machete."

Oh, right. The dog-eat-dog machinery, he'll have to scavenge his own. Survival of the fittest as applied to quartermaster supplies.

"...so what's your name, and why the hell did you end up here?"

The question gives him a sudden dizzying moment of self-actualization, to be the subject of simple human interest again. "Arcade Gannon. I was working at the Old Mormon Fort. A vexillarius showed up and put a gun to my administrator's throat, said she'd die unless one of the doctors agreed to come with him. I...volunteered, I guess you might put it."

"Doesn't sound much like the Legion. They don't give a shit about doctors so I've noticed."

Arcade actually hears himself laugh, if sardonic and bitten short. "This was different. Caesar had a brain tumor and needed somebody who could help him with the damn thing."

"And you helped him? I'd have spat in his face."

"I did try to refuse. Caesar thought about it and called in Inculta- have you had the pleasure yet?"

"I know of him. Bastard wiped out Searchlight with radioactive waste. If I could get the pair of them I'd die happy."

"Right...well, Inculta took me aside, said that if I didn't do it he would have every slave in camp crucified. With myself last, so I could watch the others die."

"...couldn't do the mercy kill, I take it." He finishes the last bite of stew, almost meditatively. "Time was I would have asked the hell you were thinking. Now...I think I get it."

Arcade nods. "You didn't mention your name."

"Boone. Craig Boone."

"Wait. Wait, hold up- from Novac? Sniper in the dinosaur? Daisy Whitman used to say how polite you were to her-"

"Daisy Whitman...huh, I can place you now. That mysterious gentleman caller she used to have, I used to wonder why you snuck into town late and left early."

Arcade splutters, finds himself managing to dredge up embarrassment from somewhere. "It wasn't like that at all! Daisy- she sort of unofficially adopted me, when my mother died. I liked to check in every so often, see that she was still all right."

"...okay. Carla liked Daisy, and she had good judgment. Enough to hate everybody else in that forsaken town...but you're good in my book, doc."

It's like he turns off, when he hurts. Face turned to stone.

Arcade quietly rinses out the stew pot with a little water, dumps the rest of the bottle in with the meager potato. Maybe he'll treat himself to another one, he could certainly eat two-

"Hey. With that and the ingredients for mole rat stew, you might have an actual meal."

"Sure. If I had them."

"It was Carla's favorite meal. I like to keep the ingredients with me." And in clear sight of who knows how many Legion soldiers, Boone takes a bottle of beer from his pack, pours it sizzling into the stew pot.

The past tense explains, why this man's so ready to die.

But doing something that isn't dealing death, mixing up stew ingredients with an almost contented look on his face, Arcade can almost hope there's something in that man that wants to live, too.

[mybumpbirthandbeyond]

Progress

After my appointment with Lyndsey, I was so relieved to be doing proper rehab. I had a structure to what I was doing and was at last getting started. I say ‘at last’ - I was only 5 weeks postpartum so this was infinitely better than 4 months last time, but I was still impatient to get going.

My next virtual team consult was booked for the following week. In the week prior, I still recognised that my impatience hadn’t disappeared because I had started rehab properly. The exercises I was doing were ahead of where I thought I would start, but again, I wanted to do more. That may not come as a surprise!

I decided to test a few things. Antony and I had made a joke about pull-ups after my first virtual consult but when I look back on it, I realise that neither of us were joking. I had bought resistance bands to help this time so decided to test them out - what was the worst that could happen?

I had to attach all three to take my entire body weight but I managed and my husband and I agreed the doming wasn’t excessive and was no more than in a birddog. I did a few later that week but didn’t want to push my luck until I confessed to the team.

The next thing I tried was something that was a constant throughout my rehab the first time: a crunch with a double leg lift. Antony had me doing these the very first time I had a consult with both him and Gráinne. I was really weak then despite months of rehab and they felt impossible. I was definitely in a better position to try them out this time. I lifted my knees above me then extended my legs to protect my back. I was pleasantly surprised at how I was able to control the doming. It was a lot of effort but manageable.

I tried them a couple of times again before my consult but wasn’t able to control it as well so decided to leave them for the time being. I’m not far off so will probably be back to them again soon enough.

I knew I would be doing much more this time than in my previous team consult. I was now 6 weeks postpartum, not 2 and half. I knew the minute I mentioned what I had done, I’d be asked to show them.

We caught up on my appointment with Lyndsey and where I was at. I admitted I had been trying a bit more. I don’t think they were that surprised which shows how well they know by now. It’s a mark of how much they have empowered me with the knowledge and confidence to try things myself and just see, that I even considered doing over and above. The exercises we started on however, were two I hadn’t tried - Gráinne wanted me to do a rollback to see what level of control I had, and she wanted me to blow up a balloon. I had wondered how quickly we would reintroduce those after I avoided them throughout pregnancy on their advice. It just so happened I had new balloons in the housefrom a 2nd and 60th birthday...

I was quite surprised when I managed to successfully blow one up on my first attempt (albeit I had to take numerous breaths to do so). They were all really happy with the reaction at my tummy. The fact it was easier this time 6 weeks postpartum compared to 8 months last time was a huge deal for me.

I thought that was it and we would move on but Antony asked if he could ask a rude question. I told him to go ahead. “Were you trying your hardest?” I didn’t know how to react to that. My instinct is I always try my hardest so that caught me off guard. I told him I thought I was but I’d do it again if he thought I hadn’t. Without realising, Antony was right when he said “I think you’re holding back a bit because there was uncertainty but now you know you can, do it again.”

I took a new balloon and did it again. They all agreed it was different - my chest moved more and they could hear the air going in. My tummy behaved the same however. I joked that I don’t like the implication I wasn’t trying hard so it pushed me on. Turns out I’m pretty transparent 😂

No sooner had I managed that then it happened again. I managed a rollback further than I thought but resorted to flopping down the last wee bit. Gráinne had said I was able to control it in a much better range than expected. I thought I had ticked the box when Antony said I’d like you to do it again but just make it all the way down controlling it. I just burst out laughing 🤣 he’s hard task master (which is fine by me 😊) but he told me he thought I could do it. I was still laughing when I tried the first time so had to restart. I was just off the floor when I lost the control so I did improve.

I was then asked to rollback into a sit-up using 5kg. I was to roll back holding the weight out in front, touch the floor behind my head then throw it out in front and sit up. I managed but did it lightning quick, almost as if I thought about it I wouldn’t be able to. There was no way anybody saw anything I did it so fast so I started again. I managed it no problem. Then once again, Antony stepped it up - I was to do it without the weight, as the weight makes it easier. When I managed it i probably fully didn’t realise until watching it later how much I had achieved in such a short space of time. I achieved things that if I was told what I would be doing before I did them, I would think were unlikely. I was once again struck by how well my physios know me - they know what buttons to press to make me excel in ways I didn’t or wouldn’t think possible.

When we discussed it, I told them something I had realised during rehab last time - the less I think about things; the less I worry about breathing, doming and pressure; the more I achieve and the better I do it. Thinking about all of these things limits my capabilities. Don’t get me wrong, it’s important to monitor and control, but not to the point that impedes my ability to try things or succeed.

Halfway through, Antony asked if I wanted to show them the chin-up. Alex and I laughed - I knew it was coming so I had already prepared. Once again, after I demonstrated what I had been doing, the bar was raised again. Antony told me to make it harder by ensuring I was in fully hang - by bending my knee in the bands I would be at full extension and have to pull for longer and harder to get myself up. I managed it and they all said my tummy actually looked better - I was recruiting more of my abdominal wall.

When I had finished they asked if there was anything else ‘sneaky’ I had been doing? The answer was (truthfully) no. Antony dropped a tentative mention of kettlebell swings and asked if i wanted to try them. I didn’t hesitate to say yes. When I watched it back I started laughing - I literally am so easy to manipulate. Antony knew if he dangled the carrot I would bite his hand off. Like I said - they know the buttons to press 🤷🏽‍♀️

I told them I wouldn’t be going for American swings the first time, I would just see how I got on. Funny thing is, I was only 20/30 degrees off it once I did it 😂🙈 We played around with the breath. There was no change at the tummy but I could perform better by holding my breath. Although that’s not conducive to performing well every time, especially repeatedly, I knew it was something I always did with the harder exercises initially until I conditioned to a point where I didn’t have to. I always did it with planks, press-ups and sit-ups. It’s okay for now but I won’t get many repetitions out of doing it that way.

At the end of the consult we discussed my goals. Three in total:

A strict chin-up/pull-up (depending on my preferred grip - or both as Antony joked 😅) eventually aiming for 5x reps.

Superman/power press - it’s an explosive movement that will require a helluva lot of strength but lucky Alex can do it so he can help 😏

Headstand into push up - easily the most challenging but rewarding if I achieve it.

We worked backwards so I have steps to achieve to get there that I can start working on now. If I can achieve them, they will define my rehab and demonstrate just how strong and functional you can be with a significant diastasis. I’m not in the same league as Lisa Marie Ryan in terms of strength, athleticism and ability and I am no cross- fitter but she is a huge inspiration to me. If I can end up even half as strong as she was with her diastasis prior to my surgery, then I’ll be delighted.

At the end, as always, my physios reiterated their support. It doesn’t get any less humbling every time I hear it nor does it get any easier to express the extent of my gratitude. Antony told me they would support me if I wanted to take a break which I tried my best not to smile at. He also said they would support me if I was feeling good and did slightly over what i usually would. I kept trying to keep a straight face but couldn’t any longer. I just laughed. I am more likely to do the opposite of take a break which they already know.

I did promise to train smarter this time so sticking to the 3-4 times a week....for now anyway! If I feel I can do more down the line I probably will, just maybe not all exercises 6 times a week 😂🙈 The key thing is I know my own limits. I know the limits of my determination and motivation (borderline limitless but still!) and I know the limits of my capabilities. I have a very good awareness and understanding of my body. Besides, I’m always honest so it’s not as if I’ll hide it. Plus my husband does a good enough job for everybody keeping me in check 🙄😂🙈

What I will say is, not everyone will be capable of what I am and likewise I won’t be capable of what others will be capable of. Everything about this is individual: the presentation of the DRA; the rehab; the body’s ability to improve function and aesthetics, everything. I have shared what I can do but I’ve also shared what I can’t. There may be those thinking I shouldn’t be doing what I’m doing at this stage and that’s fine, that’s their opinion. However I know my limits as I said, as do my physios, and I consult with them on all of this. That might be after I’ve tried something myself, but I still get their opinion as it matters to me and I respect them all so highly. For those who think they couldn’t possibly do what I’m doing now that’s fine; you need to remember that this isn’t my first rodeo. I conditioned and built up my strength so well the first time (much to my surprise) that this will be easier for me or I will be capable of more this time and probably quicker as a result. That doesn’t mean I’m not still trying to find my feet - the process is very different this time so I’m still learning as I go. There are really no comparisons to be made - everyone is different, just like every physio practises differently. There’s not necessarily a right or wrong way, there’s just the best way for you.

For me personally, the bottom line is, that there are really no limits to what I can achieve if I work hard enough and give myself time. Whereas before I only saw limits to begin with, this time the opposite is true and I’m seeing the possibilities. That alone is progress, and progress in my mindset and mentality is more powerful than any progress I can make physically.

“Progress is impossible without change and those who cannot change their minds, cannot change anything.“