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#it is always on the mind . i am never free
suddencolds · 2 months
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.~
#not a vent just a journal entry (feel free to scroll past; there is no snz here and this is also not that interesting)#realizing now that i never thought of myself as#someone whose absence would register to others in any other way than just neutral/detached recognition?#phrasing this really badly and i am truly going to delete this later bc it is embarrassing LOL#i think when i was young and posting all this fic into questionable places (the f*rum) i was like#(@ an unfinished work of mine) no way anyone could be bothered by these cliffhangers 👍 they can just imagine the ending#even though i would frequently be bothered by other people's cliffhangers. that exact same principle just wouldn't apply to me in my head#and when i did not respond to people i was like.. i'm sure i wasn't really an important part of their lives so they won't mind it#if i stepped away?#i never really entertained the concept of people missing me or looking forward to my responses 😭 i never thought of myself as someone worth#missing... so when i disappeared it was always with little to no sense of guilt. i think even now i struggle with#seeing myself as someone that inhabits like a tangible enough space in other people's lives that my absence would be felt#(and i don't mean that in a morbid way. and i do recognize that it's quite hypocritical)#on the flipside of things i frequently miss people and look forward to their responses. and sometimes i wonder like#do they all know? do they all know that i miss them because they somehow understand this aspect of human nature better than i do?#or are they in the dark like i am? are these things assumed or are they only known when they are said... 😭#i am a little bit of a coward so i am not saying anything (also because can you even say this kind of thing to someone??#i would probably die of embarrassment) but#how strange it is to have someone suddenly inhabit a space in your life that is substantial enough that#when they're gone you feel that space open up and you miss them#the few times in my life people have conveyed that sentiment to me i remember feeling puzzled that my presence could have that kind of#weight to them. i think my problem is that i purposefully do not read between the lines if the conclusion is something favorable towards me#because i don't want to bank on something good that might or might not be true 😭 anyways this is way too long already. if you read this#then good morning or goodnight
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triaelf9 · 1 year
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ugh I reallllyyyyy didn’t want to get in on this but like
The assumption that all atheists are people who’ve “never touched a religious text in their life” basically says to me you have a specific view of atheists and have probably not known many.
Most of them grew up IN the system and DO know the text and THAT’S why they walk away. 
If you’re gonna make a whole post on ppl not using nuance with CR stuff right now the least you can do is use nuance yourself and not paint an entire group of people with a brush that TV taught you, or a bunch of white men into power *cough* Dawkins *cough* coopted a movement in a society where to not believe in god is synonymous with being immoral.
So just keep in mind, the representation of people without faith that you see on TV or twitter isn’t the majority and 9 times out of 10 isn’t correct at all.
thanks ^_^
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usertoxicyaoi · 2 years
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“And there’s nothing that will stay with me forever.” BETWEEN US (2022).
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c10v3r · 2 years
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i was inspired (the tism hit again /SILLY)
shes running circles around them
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triglycercule · 22 days
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killer should know about dumb video game meta stuff ike i-frames and animation cancels and critting amd breaking out of bounds and use it to his advantage in fights. maybe he learned it from chara in something new as a silly little thing to try out because theyre already teaching him all this bullshit on killing so whos to say a video game character cant learn a player's cheats?? he's already interacted and collaborated with a player before i think its fair he knows tricks on how to cheat undertale's fighting system
everything's all fine and dandy in a fight against killer (no it isn't) until you see him glitching around and somehow phasing through your attacks. he looks ridiculous but it gets the job done
#i have no idea if any of these mechanics are actually IN undertale#theyre just some ones i came up with in games i play#i mean if they don't exist in the ut fighting just like. pretend they do idk????#i just think it would be cool if killer could do that. he fights dirty and when i mean dirty i mean totally cheating#SANS UNDERTALE CHEATS WHY CANT HE!!!! but he gets to cheat in a more game breaking way#when you fight killer there is no YOUR turn and HIS turn its ALWAYS his turn. and youre just helplessly attacking during it#guys in this one im not talking about meta awareness im talking about loser META strats. most effective tactics available#stage 4 chara wins ahh acting like a goddamn sweaty gamer. because what am i supposed to interpret with chara wins????#chara wins means NOTHING to me??? i can only assume that it means killer either acts like chara or fully listens to whatever chara wans#boo boo boring im a VIDEO GAME PLAYER not a goddamn psychiatrist. i will always choose the more fun option#killer becoming like chara/player is infinitely more cool than him and all the psychological stuff going on in stage 4 to b obeying orders#yeahhhh like sure there probably IS a bunch of crazy stuff in stage 4 related to psychology but also#unga booga character act like YOU cool idea. besides stage 4 is almost never elaborated on#so to me that's up to personal interpretation. everything is personal interpretation if not brought up#i say as i make the most ridiculous unfathomable headcanons for the mtt just because the topics aren't mentioned#I HAVE FREE WILL I HAVE FREE WILL MY MIND HAS FREEDOM I CAN POST ANYTHING I THINK ABOUT#ok thank god because i hate having to worry about my posts#ok i dont have anything left to say about this hc so im bringing up SOMETHING NEW (haha)#killer reminds me of I'm High!!! by maretu. except replace all mentions of a girl with w a person for chara#and somehow manage to work around the mentions of love and romance. because i really really dont wanna make killer into a kid diddler#but aside from the mentions of love and specific gende??? i think it fits!!#ugh so many songs fit killer ITS NOT FAIR!!!! i can NEVER find songs for horror.... am i not looking hard enough ☹️☹️☹️#im hard#actually i found a song that fits horror lets GOOOO maretu coming in clutch with NAMIDA ‼️‼️#dokuhaku does too :3 maretu my glorious king how many great songs of yours fit the murder time trio#killer sans#murder time trio#sans au#utmv#tricule hc
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iris-kinnie · 2 months
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Y’ALL!!! I DID THREE MULTIS, AND I DIDN’T GET SYGNA SUIT BLUE, BUT I GOT TWO CUTE LIMITED TIME PAIRS THAT I WAS MISSING, AND A REGULAR ONE THAT I DIDN’T HAVE!!!
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bunnihearted · 2 months
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🌙☁️🌌
#evenings and nights are always the worst for me#when i feel this lonely.... :(((#when you're alone the nights are the worst bc#u dont have anyone at all really.. and it gets so obvious at night#just .. the loneliness gets intensified#and i can compare bc#there was a period of time where i talked to someone everyday#and i looked forward to the nights and their messages and comforing goodnight messages#and so i know firsthand what big of a difference that makes#for years and years i've had these bad loneliness feelings tho.. so it's not smth new#but it gets harder and harder to deal with them. esp as the world outside is getting colder and crueler#and people only get more and more mean#plus when i do have smth wonderful that made me warm and happy and comforted that i dont have anymore#and can compare and know what im missing#it does get harder :c#i try to watch videos and think of other things but oh god this loneliness hurts so damn much i crumble underneath the weight of it#maybe life will get better dealing with it all if i have a stable income and an apartment with my pets#and go to work all day and come home too tired to feel lonely... idk?#im so scared i'll never find someone that i can be together with. bc i think im the kind of person who needs that#but im also so different and difficult and idk how and if it'll happen....#and how do i live with these heavy painful feelings of extreme loneliness ? idk :c#i try mindfulness too. and listening to music. and reading. and cuddling my pets#but im just a human. i want someone i love to hold me and fall asleep with them close to me.#i wanna lie in bed and talk to them abt anything bc between us it is a judgement free zone#despite what ppl say i am not weak for needing and wanting that. and being incredibly alone without it.#it's what i need and want but idk if i ever will and the thought of being stuck with this heavy loneliness all my life makes me wanna die#ok. peace out 😑✌️
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kuiinncedes · 3 months
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:c
#i luv my friends ;-; i feel like i’m gonna lose my mind when i’m not living right by all my friends lmao 😭#i’ve literally been hanging out w ppl like at least every other day if not every day#we made semi spontaneous plan to go to pride tmrwwweww 🥹🥹 i’m excited#i just am so happy that i get to spend sm time w ppl rn bc we’re all somewhat free bc summer 😭#also idk i was just thinking abt this recently but like#it’s kinda new to me to like actually be comfortable/confident in knowing my friends want/like my presence ;-;#even then i’m not that confident LMAO bc after sm time together i’m like surely they’ll get sick of me#like we’ve seen each other every day the past like three days#but no 🥹 ugh like idk man i had one elementary to sort of middle and high school friendship#that like fucked me up i feel like lmfao 💀#like girl sidelined me so much for other friends that i just#:l and cried so much bc of that 😀 anyway 😀#so like idk i’m just so grateful rn 😭😭😭#also was thinking abt it recently bc my mom made me feel judged/ made me feel like she was annoyed that i was staying here on campus#when i technically don’t need to and my main/only reason is bc friends#and after that conversation w her i got kinda annoyed bc i was like#i have had so many conversations w you where i was sad af or frustrated that my friends wouldn’t reach out to me ever#or my friend who never paid attention to me when other friends were around#like i don’t think she’s actually judging like me staying for friends but it was that one conversation we were both kinda annoyed idk#and i was just like . pls#anyway 😀 i always have so many friend thoughts i always be overthinking it LOL#anyway anyway i need to be up in like 6 hrs LOLLLLLL pride tho yay 🥰🥰🥰#rip me not having clean cute clothes for this LOL 🤪#ong last yr i tied my hair in a ponytail w like rainbow hair ties tied down the ponytail……#idk if i have those but if i do maybe i should do that again LOL#idk might be too lazy tho we’ll see how much time i have to get ready when i wake up 🤡#jeanne talks#TOO MUCH BYE
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lilaccatholic · 10 months
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how do i do it though. how do i let go of the bitterness and the hardness when they kept me "okay" for so long? does it come when i finally leave? can it ever?
#babes i actually relate to the frigid angry woman more than im comfortable with but this time there's no prince coming to save her and idk#i was never beautiful but i was and am angry and capable and that's served me well but being angry is exhausting#it's a birthright i can't give to a younger sibling. it doesn't transfer.#i dont inspire devotion. there's no version of this that ends with me waltzing with a true love.#im not the type you launch a thousand ships for.#so what's left?#who am i when i have no one? when ive spent my life making *me* less to make others more? when im nothing but a useful piece of furniture.#i know God loves me! i love Him! but it's not the same. i want *people* to love me. i want to be someone that theyd fight for.#im feeling that 'women have minds and hearts but im so lonely' scene from little women 2019 so much right now.#except im not jo. my family loves me but theyd never do for me what jo's would do for her. theyre also all focused on surviving.#i feel like a military ration. there to be consumed but cast aside the moment something more palatable comes around.#how do i become consumed with joy? how do i let go of the cynicism? its all thats kept me safe! but its choking me too.#its like tony stark in iron man 2. the thing thats kept me alive this far is killing me. i need to find an alternative but its looking like#ill have to synthesize a new element to make it happen and that freaks me out.#ive always been derivative. never an individual. how do i become a trailblazer when my job was always to hold the hand of the one blazing#the trail? how do i become myself happy and free?#because i WANT to be more#i WANT to be more than anger and coldness and a useful idiot. i WANT to be me and be so so happy#but i dont know how to get there#and if someone suggests therapy im shooting you. i dont want to listen to one more person pretend to care about me and tell me#all the things i need to change and spend even longer not learning how to think for myself#i want to be more than this. but i also cant stand the thought of taking up any more space than i do#anyway.#anyone who's read all this thank you and i promise im fine im just in my feelings today lol#im going to work out and get some happy brain chemicals flowing and then ill take a shower and itll all be good.#please dont worry about me! im just having A Moment TM#lilac rambles
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lesbiansanemi · 9 months
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Do you think if I wish hard enough my mom will get electrocuted by a string of Christmas lights and just go up in a cloud of smoke. It’d be a Christmas miracle
#I’m not even DOWN THERE YET and I want to fucking KILL HER#I have to work Christmas Eve and the day after Christmas. I live four hours away from my family#I told her this MANY TIMES I said I’ll drive down after work on Christmas Eve be there Christmas morning but I need to leave by 3-4 to get#home at a reasonable hour so I can have time to unpack/catch up on a couple days of chores/get plenty of sleep#she called me last night and told me she didn’t schedule Christmas stuff until SIX PM#and when I said why tf did you do that I’m not staying that late#she got mad and upset and was like ‘it’s the only time everyone is free :(‘#BUT THEN proceeded to tell me we were having lunch with her HUSBAND’S family at noon#(ppl I am not close with never have been literally don’t talk to)#and everyone I know is like ‘just leave when you said you were going to anyways’#and like yeah I could but then my family is gonna be ENRAGED that I didn’t do Christmas stuff with them#and they’re like ‘well explain that your mom didnt listen to when you said you needed to leave’#but the thing is. no matter what. they’re going to take her side#I should sacrifice my time and comfort to spend time with them because they’re FAMILY#never mind that literally not a SINGLE ONE OF THEM has EVER come up to visit me#IM always expected to drive down there. but that sacrifice doesn’t count it’s not good enough#but if I stay that late I won’t be getting home until AT LEAST midnight or later#cuz my family has no fucking concept of time so if it starts at six that means it doesn’t ACTUALLY start until 7 so most of them might be#there by 8 so I’ll be expected to stay until at least 10 to sufficiently catch up with all of them#I’m going to scream I’m going to cry#if I leave early I’m the awful ungrateful terrible bitch who never comes to see any of them#but none of them could adjust their days by just a few hours to see me before I needed to leave#FOR MY FUCKING JOB !!!!!!!! SOMETHING COMPLETELY OUT OF MY CONTROL#and like the thing is. my piece of shit manipulative bitch mother#I KNOW she did this on purpose#I know she didn’t plan this until six to FORCE me to stay longer because she was mad I wasn’t staying long#(again… because of work… something I can’t control)#so she’s orchestrated this to put me in this position#where I have to suck it up and stay and be exhausted and have tired migraines for a week cuz I get only a couple hours of sleep and then#or leave and make everyone pissed. I hate her so FUCKING much
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the-chaos-crew · 16 days
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when you've had a ship for years that no one in your (possibly) dead fandom knows or heard of or even thought of and you're starved for content on them cause they're like so separated from the fandom in your head now
is this just me
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nexus-nebulae · 5 months
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so like. lately I've been feeling like there's some kind of Thing living in this house with me, like a spirit or creature or something, and i feel like it's been here a long time bc of how long things have been going missing in this house with no explanation. and i noticed when i got really badly sick i lost something and it made me like. sob uncontrollably bc it was important. and then i started Finding things in odd places. so i started thanking the mysterious entity. and now I'm finding More Stuff more often. and like i feel strange for believing in this entity bc I've always been told believing in pagan things is childish (??????) and feel awkward thanking it but also i Want To bc it's polite. anyway i wanna like. leave a little offering or something but don't know what would be appropriate bc i also dont know what entity this is
#first thought is like. house fairies#I've always thought it was something fae related i think?#but like i. don't really know a lot about real fairy folklore bc of all the Media I've consumed#i don't really know what's accurate and what isn't#like sometimes fairies are depicted as extremely powerful and like. human sized#sometimes they're just tiny little trickster guys#and also i don't know what folklore like. applies to me if that makes sense?????#im White™ and whatever culture my ancestors had was scrubbed away to force jesus in instead and i don't know how much my blood matters#I'm mostly german and welsh and was raised like. loosely catholic#and the word appropriation has been watered down so much by The Internet that i can never tell if I'm Doing That anymore#I'm just scared to do literally anything bc what if someone says i am#but also i feel very very drawn to certain myths and stories and entities and feel like letting that go would tear me apart in a way#like I'd just lose something and there'd be a hole that couldn't be filled by any other belief#I've TRIED to fit in other beliefs but they just don't click#i dunno. im scared of doing something wrong but it feels like home to me#anyway i want to leave an offering to this Entity in my house to thank it for returning some things#but dunno what i could use#do you think a fairy would appreciate lactose free vanilla coffee creamer. we dont have normal milk#i also wonder if candy would work. i have a ton of chocolate and caramel#though i also wonder if the Entity is stealing candy from the jars on my windowsill#i wouldn't mind that i don't mind sharing
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thebirdandhersong · 2 years
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if I had a nickel for every time I had an interest in someone who was a) extroverted, b) very enthusiastic and passionate about very niche subjects, and c) completely and utterly clueless, I'd have two nickels.... which isn't a LOT, but it's weird, amusing, and exasperating that it happened twice
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melissa-titanium · 1 year
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GOD therseomuch shit to do i thought id have time today to DO stuff. its the fucking weekend why do ihave to do 2 classes and go outside and literally do something for school . the weekDAYS are always busy i havent had a free moment since i fucking joined
#mel roars#and i forgot to clean cicis fucking litter#like forgot as in for nearly a week#everyone always asks why im never getting another fucking pet THAT is why#because if i cant take care of it then all thats gonna happen is its going to suffer under my care#i have so much fucking due art SO many people messaging me i was LITERALLY going to delete my toyhouse account 2 days ago just to fucking#have a moment of relief#ITS NOT EVEN THAT BAD ACTUALLY. this ius normal for so many people to balance their social lives and school and work and shit but i CANT#i cant adhere to a schedule ill lose my fucking mind#i was miserable at my dads but god if it wasnt awesome to Have Free Time#i guess not talking to human beings or going outside for 2 straight years had its Perks#im so fucking sorry to everyone who has to deal with me i am SINCERELY so fucking sorry#i want to do so much stuff with so many people but its always Oh sorry i had to do something :( Sorry i cant do it today Sorry im not free#Sorry sorry sorry SORRY FUCKKKKKKK FUCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK WHY CANT I ACTUALLY JUST DO SOMETHING WORTHWHILE#ITS ALWAYS APOLOGIES AND YET??? NOTHING EVER CHANGES???????#and everyone knows this. every single person i have ever spoken to knos im a fucking shit at keeping promises or apologies and it SUCKS it#fucking sucks. can some one take me into their garage and put me down Please#pleas eplease pleasePLEAePLEASAE PLEASE i cant take it anymore fucking help me#i just need SOME one to tell me Directly that i am doing things wrong that im UPSETTING them because i KNOW I AM but i also DONT#unless i recieve it directly from them. god . pleasae. can someone just tell me to shut the fuck up alreasdy
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victoryrifle · 1 year
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we have a blue tit nesting in our mailbox and she always eats our mail (affectionate)
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iguessitsjustme · 2 years
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Thank you so much for the amazing HiraKiyoi music video! It’s a gorgeous song, and it captures them so well.
I don’t know if you’re still looking for ideas for music videos or gif sequences, but if you are, I’m curious what you would do with Green Day’s "Good Riddance (Time of Your Life)." That’s the song I most associate with my teenage crushes (hearing it still half transports me to sitting around a campfire listening to the boy I had a crush on for half of high school sing it while playing guitar) and so I’d love to see how it translates to BL.
I don’t mean to be greedy with these since I’ve already gotten one from you; only if there’s no line and the song interests you. Thanks!
p.s. I hope you feel better soon!
I am so glad you liked it! That song is one of my favorites currently so I really enjoyed using it to make the edit for HiraKiyoi.
Ooooohhhh I haven't heard that song in years. Oh boy oh boy I have some ideas I could use it for but I need to ruminate first. I have a couple of things to work on before that but I'm interested in it so I'll add it to my list. At this point, I'll honestly just keep taking requests as long as no one expects them to be done in a short amount of time. It can take me months with how my brain has been lately. Please feel free to be greedy!
Also thank you, I am feeling so much better. It's just this damn stupid cough that I can't seem to get rid of and also my voice is definitely still pretty weak so going into work tomorrow should be fun but I feel sooo much better. I basically just slept the entire time I had Covid which seems to have worked to get me back up and moving again.
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