#it isn't easy now either i've just gotten better at balance and also at not catastrophizing everything

[equalseleventhirds]

part of me is like 'this would be easier if i was younger and less tired' but a much bigger part of me is like 'you stupid motherfucker you were even worse and more tired and struggled more the first time you were in college, you think this would've been easier??? go to fucking sleep and study more in the morning.'

...and so. i will listen. to the rational bit of my brain.

[what-dat-ritalin-do]

#1 (Originally Recorded 8th November, 2003)

Wednesday, 8th Nov 2023.

9:35 AM

Psychiatric help is expensive

I went for my first psychiatry session today. I was about an hour long and it was mostly evaluative. Dr. J said I might have Asperger's as well (as ADHD). After taking into account Ayd's diagnosed mild autism and Gold's very possible autism, he said I have some mild traits, but not enough for a full-blown diagnosis. Either I've gotten a little better at condensing my Life Story™  or he's just really good at knowing what to ask. Probably the latter.

He set me up with Ritalin

3 x 10 mg tablets

Taken every morning with or after breakfast

For 1 month

He said I might experience some heart palpitations and suppressed appetite, so I'm going to eat a bit before I try it. He also said that it may be addictive. So I'll take it with precaution. He did say he hasn't had any problems yet, though.

He also suggested I let S know we should start doing full CBT in our sessions.

5:43 PM

Because the session was at 8 AM, I'm very hungry, but the food at the place I'm in isn't too nutritionally balanced. So I'll eat enough to stay satisfied, then do some groceries. I'll have a balanced meal at home, and then try it. I will update then.

It has been approximately 3 hours and 25 minutes since I took my first dose of Ritalin.

I went on a grocery store run after my last entry and only reached home in the afternoon. I had lunch consisting of the following:

Rice

Fried chicken

Sambal

Cucumbers

Fried tofu

Fried tempeh

Peanut sauce

Chocolate cake ball

Not the most well-balanced meal, but at least it covers all the bases. I took the medication with water

10 mg Ritalin x 3

The medication started to effect about 5 minutes after taking it. As expected, I was told it would be fast. For about 10 minutes, I felt an intense uptick in blood circulation. I could feel blood circulating in my veins. I could hear blood pumping in my head. It was like getting stuck in an ocean current, swept away by a strong, uncontrollable force.

And all of a sudden, it was quiet.

I can hear the blood in my body

And the "current" came back. And the chest pains started. For the next couple of hours, I experienced, consistently, waves of an intense rush of blood flow followed by an equally brief period of complete lucid control. I will describe the states:

A. "Current"/Flurry State

My hands shake involuntarily

Periodic chest pains (ranging from slight to sharp)

Sharp back pain

Occasionally lose focus in vision

Instability (difficulty getting up), loss of balance

Dizzyness

B. Clear State

Enhanced ability to make decisions.

-> I am not frozen/caught in between wanting to do two things at once. I just pick one thing and do it. I clear things (eg: Rubbish) immediately. I don't need to "reason with myself".

Mental clarity to accept some of my tasks are not feasible.

-> Related to 1(B), I can quickly evaluate the tasks I want to completely and choose which one is easiest to complete. Immediate execution.

It is now 6:46 PM. According to Dr. J, the effects of the medication should be wearing off. He said they would last for about 4 hours. I can feel myself coming down from the rush. I can feel a low, restless hum rising but I think it will pass soon. I will return tomorrow with another log.

My thoughts get faster. I am able to structure my thoughts more easily to the point where I could visualize myself presenting them to an audience. I have not felt this way in years.

-> I spent a whole hour documenting my experience and detailing my mental health journey to my friends in our group chat. For once, it was easy to structure my words. I didn't have to draft them out in my Notes app first to make sure it made sense. My messages were coherent as I was typing them out.

-> It felt like my thoughts moved faster than my body. My handwriting feels messier, more rushed. I'm writing like I'm afraid my thoughts will fly away if I don't capture them right now. Even when trying to speak my thoughts, it feels like my mouth can't enunciate the amount of words that want to come out at the speed I want it to. My breath can't keep up with my phrasing.

[running-nuts-blog]

New Goal!

So it's been since October 2014 since I ran a full marathon. Between working full time, raising my family and going through college full time... I totally crashed and burned following my marathon. But my heart still yearns to do the crazy beast again. It's such a huge challenge, not just of the physical nature... but of your own mind and personal limits. I'm not a fast runner, but steady. It never came easy either.

I was amazed what I was capable of doing! Amazed!!

Now that is my crazy pursuit again. What is yours? What is a challenge you want to go after? Something that is for you alone? Often, we all get so wrapped up in supporting those we love that we forget to nurture ourselves. But there is a balance. We only are better when we are better. Work can take a large chunk out of our daily 24-hours. Boooo! Then off we go to make a supper and run our kids around to their sports practices and games/events. But that's not a bad thing. Just more on our plates. Here comes the guilt, right?!

I've come to realize that I have to schedule "me time" in/or around this. So it takes some juggling. We should know their schedules ahead of time, so something has to give in order for me to cram in a 1/2-hour to 45-minute training session in. My ambitions are to train for endurance running. But maybe this is a simple 2-3 mile walk every day. Or every other day and basic strength training on the opposite days. This replace the time you would've spent cooking supper for the family. How can this happen? Well, by doing a simple few meals ahead of time, like on Saturday or Sunday.

I went to Pinterest and found clean eating recipes (Whole30 and paleo) and saved a few that sounded really tasty and very simple to throw together. I also discovered that by working (at my leisure) in my kitchen... it kept me from sitting in front of my TV and from munching on snacks. Wow?!?! But the key for me was to make sure I had all the stuff I needed to pull this off ahead of time:

Recipes, ingredients, storage containers. Glad Ware and Ziploc found at your local discount stores are perfect. Or invest in the snap-tight ones. You just need something to put lunch and suppers in for 4-days!

Then I made double batches of 2 recipes. Half of each double batch would go for my family and the other I divided up to cover my meals. Now, clearly I would have meals for 4 days while they had only for 1 night. But managing meals for every one else is easier when I've got myself covered.

Here are a few starter recipes I adopted to set up for success!! I'm also a gal that needs a little sweet treat every day too! 😘 I'm including a Paleo chocolate chip cookie recipe that uses almond flour, coconut oil & honey versus regular flour, vegetable oil & sugar. The chocolate chips are the healthier darker chocolate too. This involves nuts, so if you are allergic to nuts, this isn't an option. Maybe look around for cookies or bars that use coconut flour instead, as long as you aren't allergic to that. It's a delightful splurge, but still controlling all the added sugars we are up against in the American cuisine. We can't feel like we are depriving ourselves of anything, but rather substituting our meals with something that is yummy, and healthier. This is the staying power of lifestyle change!

Remember to combine fresh fruit with a protein to keep you happy and satisfied between meals. And read your labels... lots of hidden sugar in ketchup, mayo, even pickles and beef sticks! Ugh!! I like to cut up Fuji apples with natural peanut butter or almond butter. Read labels... some natural nut butters are deceiving and add sugars and oils. Nuts have natural oils in them, so put it down and keep looking. I found a delightful and inexpensive natural peanut butter at Aldi for under $4. The natural oil separates so I use a butter knife to stir it up good.

I'm sharing how I've gotten started on transitioning to a healthier lifestyle. Baby steps. And dont beat yourself up if you do good one day and not the other. This is not a do or die, all or nothing plan. This is learning and adopting and making small adjustments every day. Just because you trip on the first step doesn't mean you throw yourself down the whole staircase, right?!?! Pat yourself on the back for trying and make this your own journey. Build confidence along the way! You are a warrior deep down inside and will find a way or make a way through all this. Please share your ups and downs and revelations, or as I like to refer to them as "ah-ha moments". I'm also going to be adding video blogs, or vlogs soon!! Just to spice things up...

Have a fun week!! Feel free to message me too, I'm here plugging along on my own too! 🤗

Hugs to you,

Wendy

See recipes below!! I've also added my Pinterest site to take a better look at my collection of recipes. I'm not very original and not a fan of cooking, so I'm adopting recipes and sharing those that other talented individuals have created! Enjoy!!

I'm working on cleaning up this format, so I apologize on the lack of polish. 😁