#it just gets emotionally a lil exhausting when idk the problem and im trying so so hard to maintain my reactions n keep calm

[tiredrobin]

coworker who lives at mad at me island threw a mini tantrum this morning (literally threw) (lol. lmao) but didnt give me a reason why until right before i was leaving (the reason was something i didnt know was a thing) n im sitting here like ohhhhh we're communicating like high schoolers now. i see. otay <3

[most-triumphant]

~My journey~

I thought I would turn this lil tumblr blog into record of me trying to deal w/ physical and mental probs. A little bit about myself...

I’m 28. I live in hot as balls, Texas. I’ve got two cats, a husband, and some succulents. I love them in that order. Ive got GAD sprinkled w/ some intrusive thinking that keeps me awake every night. ;) 

But hey, I’m worrying about car crashes so you don’t have to. It’s a public service. As long as I think about twisting metal turning my body into a fine salsa, it won’t happen, right? That’s what I thought-- cool. 

Any whoooo, over the years I’ve been on different meds. Wellbrutin, Lexapro, Buspar, xanex etc. 130 days ago I started on 40mg of prozac & (2) .5 xanax a day and gurl, my world has turned upside down. Finally my brain feels like its firing on all cylinders and coupled w/ CBT - I am feeling the best I’ve ever felt. I still wake up multiple times a night panicked, but the prozac really has helped with the my daytime issues. 

Specifically, a huge issue for me, eating obsessively. Food has always been my coping mechanism for my anxiety and intrusive thoughts, while at the same time, being a constant thought taking up so much room in my brain. Food--  My true love. I love to cook, eat, look at recipes, watch food shows, foodcation, etc. I looked forward to my period monthly as a time it was socially acceptable to overeat and be in a bad mood.  I will look for a holiday to celebrate making any kind of feast. There was no more comforting feeling to me in the world then eating chicken wings for the glow of my computer screen. Instead of feeling worry/fear/thinking about death, i could be thinking about cookies. Making cookies. Eating cookies. Eating cookie dough. Googling cookie recipes. Smelling cookie candles. You get it.

Then after about three weeks on prozac...it was gone. I didn’t get the warm fuzzy feeling from gorging on pizza. I felt numb. What was always my comfort just wasn’t doing it for me anymore. Being about 60lbs overweight and being exhausted 24-7 from lack of exercise nutrition all of a sudden seemed like a curable problem. Like, oh hey, maybe if you ate more fruit and drank less alcohol, your joints wouldn’t hurt so much.  Maybe u would want to leave your apartment over the weekend. WHO KNOWS?! Without that obsessive voice in my head thinking about how to properly crisp the skin on a pork shoulder going 24-7 on a loop, I had to start thinking about other things and finding otherwise to make myself feel good. 

So 90 days ago I started weight watchers and exercising regularly. I still can’t bring myself to utter those worlds out loud. My family knows. I won’t tell friends. When they asked how I lost 30lbs I will say a dumb joke about no longer eating my bodyweight in cheeseburgers. Why do I feel shame about getting healthy and getting my shit together? 

Idk, I’m sure there’s a lot of factors at play there. In reality tho by telling people I’m actively trying to improve my health, I’m making myself accountable. If its a big secret, I can fuck up and I feel like no one will judge me. 

I think that’s a huge part of my problems as a human being... me, and just about everyone else is trying to be “normal.” And what is that even anyway. All I know is that I’m trying to be active. I’m trying to go out of my comfort zone. I’m trying to push back against my brain which has been telling me for all these years that exercise and eating somewhat healthily was a lost cause. I couldn’t do it. I’d be a failure. 

I always saw those dumb fucking post on facebook like “You could of lost x amount of lbs if you started x amount of days ago.” But for once, I finally did something. I think the therapy + medicine has really helped me get to a place where I no longer cope with food. I never understood the way in which my physical self/ mental self were linked, but I’ve recognized self sabotage patterns I always fell into, which now, somehow, have been broken.

IDK man. I’m not saying prozac is some miracle drug, but prozac + therapy + exercise + eating good about 70% of the time has done wonders for me. I’ve got a ways to go until I’m actually in shape,  but its a journey. I dont know why I wrote all this. lol. But it feels good to get it all out. Im thinking sometime I will need to look back and remember what I was thinking during this process.  I’ll prob emotionally dump this stuff every once in a while, so hey if you read this, cool and thx. I hope you’re doing well.