#it literally said (michael buble version) or something

[angelhummel]

once again i spent hours of my life answering >5000 questions in order to sort almost all of the glee songs ever (there’s 683 songs in the sorter when there’s over 700 on the show) anyway if you wanna see my rankings for those then check it out <3 [also here’s the sorter!]

1 Being Alive 2 Rose's Turn 3 Baby, It's Cold Outside 4 Le Jazz Hot 5 Maybe This Time 6 And I Am Telling You I'm Not Going 7 Come What May 8 To Sir, With Love 9 As If We Never Said Goodbye 10 Valerie 11 Somewhere Only We Know 12 Cough Syrup 13 Teenage Dream 14 Not The Boy Next Door 15 It's Too Late 16 It's My Life / Confessions Part II 17 Start Me Up / Livin' On A Prayer 18 When I Get You Alone 19 The Happening 20 The Boy Is Mine 21 Home 22 Don't You Want Me 23 How Will I Know 24 Bad Romance 25 Not While I'm Around 26 Scream 27 Shake It Out 28 On My Own 29 Hate On Me 30 Bills, Bills, Bills 31 4 Minutes 32 True Colors 33 There Are Worse Things I Could Do 34 Go Your Own Way 35 Jessie's Girl 36 Proud Mary 37 Tongue Tied 38 Last Christmas 39 Somebody Loves You 40 Back To Black 41 Sweet Transvestite 42 For Good 43 At The Ballet 44 Gloria 45 Blame It (On The Alcohol) 46 Like A Prayer 47 So Emotional 48 Misery 49 Nasty / Rhythm Nation 50 Toxic 51 Don't Speak 52 Born This Way 53 Dog Days Are Over 54 Defying Gravity 55 Last Name 56 Womanizer 57 I Will Always Love You 58 Broadway Baby 59 The Lady Is A Tramp 60 I'm A Slave 4 U 61 Centerfold / Hot In Herre 62 Thriller / Heads Will Roll 63 Bust Your Windows 64 Candyman 65 Brave 66 Boys / Boyfriend 67 The Scientist 68 The Scientist (Acapella) 69 Dream On 70 Hey Jude 71 I Lived 72 I'm Still Here 73 I Believe In A Thing Called Love 74 Me Against The Music 75 Like A Virgin 76 My Man 77 Everybody Wants To Rule The World 78 I Have Nothing 79 Blackbird 80 Got To Get You Into My Life 81 Animal 82 3 83 I Follow Rivers 84 Just The Way You Are 85 Constant Craving 86 Don't Stop Me Now 87 Hung Up 88 Let's Have A Kiki 89 Love Shack 90 Marry The Night 91 Hit Me With Your Best Shot / One Way Or Another 92 It's Not Right, But It's Okay 93 I Want To Hold Your Hand 94 All You Need Is Love 95 Getting Married Today 96 Don't Rain On My Parade 97 Don't Stop Believin' (Regionals) 98 We've Got Tonite 99 Smooth Criminal 100 Uptown Girl 101 Sway 102 If I Die Young 103 No One Is Alone 104 Look At Me I'm Sandra Dee 105 No Scrubs 106 Mamma Mia 107 Papa Don't Preach 108 Teenage Dream (Acoustic Version) 109 Santa Baby 110 We Found Love 111 Roar 112 She's Not There 113 Spotlight 114 The Way You Look Tonight/You're Never Fully Dressed Without A Smile 115 Some Nights 116 Rumour Has It / Someone Like You 117 You Make Me Feel So Young 118 You Keep Me Hangin' On 119 I'll Stand By You (Amber) 120 Hand In My Pocket / I Feel The Earth Move 121 Crazy / U Drive Me Crazy 122 Funny Girl 123 Cold Hearted 124 Keep Holding On 125 Bye Bye Bye / I Want It That Way 126 I Know Where I've Been 127 I Kissed A Girl (Season Six) 128 Hopelessly Devoted To You 129 Homeward Bound / Home 130 Into The Groove 131 Hold On 132 Tell Him 133 Nutbush City Limits 134 Because You Loved Me 135 Perfect 136 Cherish / Cherish 137 Do You Wanna Touch Me (Oh Yeah) 138 Ding-Dong! The Witch Is Dead 139 You Are The Sunshine Of My Life 140 Tik Tok 141 The Safety Dance 142 Oops!... I Did It Again 143 Run Joey Run 144 Time Warp 145 Something's Coming 146 Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go 147 The First Time Ever I Saw Your Face 148 Vogue 149 Downtown 150 Diva 151 Dancing With Myself 152 Rockstar 153 Wrecking Ball 154 We Are Young 155 I Saw Her Standing There 156 Jumpin', Jumpin' 157 Just Can't Get Enough 158 Take Me To Church 159 Wannabe 160 It's All Over 161 Take Me Home Tonight 162 If I Were A Boy 163 Landslide 164 Pompeii 165 The Bitch Is Back / Dress You Up 166 Christmas Wrapping 167 Buenos Aires 168 Call Me Maybe 169 You Can't Stop The Beat 170 Seasons Of Love 171 Safety Dance 172 Dream A Little Dream 173 Alfie 174 I Want To Break Free 175 Baby One More Time 176 A House Is Not A Home 177 Daydream Believer 178 I Don't Know How To Love Him 179 Hungry Like The Wolf / Rio 180 Suddenly Seymour 181 People 182 Silly Love Songs 183 Love Song 184 Shout It Out Loud 185 Some People 186 One Of Us 187 Sing! 188 Up Up Up 189 Torn 190 Popular 191 This Is The New Year 192 Paradise By The Dashboard Light 193 Let It Snow 194 Let It Be 195 Never Can Say Goodbye 196 Touch A Touch A Touch A Touch Me 197 La Isla Bonita 198 Tightrope 199 My Love Is Your Love 200 Love Is A Battlefield 201 Losing My Religion 202 Total Eclipse Of The Heart 203 This Time 204 I Dreamed A Dream 205 Leaving On A Jet Plane 206 Locked Out Of Heaven 207 Chandelier 208 Girl On Fire 209 Telephone 210 Don't Cry For Me Argentina 211 Human Nature 212 Halo / Walking On Sunshine 213 Anything Goes / Anything You Can Do 214 Make You Feel My Love 215 Stronger 216 Nowadays / Hot Honey Rag 216 Pumpin' Blood 218 Papa Can You Hear Me? 219 Summer Nights 220 Sweet Caroline 221 Superstition 222 We Will Rock You 223 Alone 224 Hello, I Love You 225 Against All Odds (Take A Look At Me Now) 226 A Hard Day's Night 227 Mine 228 My Prerogative 229 Beauty School Drop Out 230 My Lovin' (You're Never Gonna Get It) 231 Extraordinary Merry Christmas 232 Every Breath You Take 233 Express Yourself 234 Everybody Talks 235 Everytime 236 Marry You 237 Moves Like Jagger / Jumpin' Jack Flash 238 My Favorite Things 239 Santa Claus Is Coming To Town 240 River Deep, Mountain High 241 My Life Would Suck Without You 242 Be Okay 243 Applause 244 Cool 245 All I Want For Christmas Is You 246 American Boy 247 Cell Block Tango 248 Breakaway 249 Don't Dream It's Over 250 Let Me Love You (Until You Learn To Love Yourself) 251 Whatever Happened To Saturday Night? 252 Without You 253 Science Fiction Double Feature 254 Loser Like Me 255 I Kissed A Girl 256 I'm Not Gonna Teach Your Boyfriend How To Dance With You 257 I Can't Go For That (No Can Do) / You Make My Dreams 258 Don't Stop Believin' (Season 5) 259 Empire State Of Mind 260 Old Time Rock & Roll / Danger Zone 261 Take My Breath Away 262 You Get What You Give 263 Take On Me 264 Beautiful 265 It's Time 266 ABC 267 Afternoon Delight 268 Don't Stand So Close To Me / Young Girl 269 Don't Stop Believin' (Season 1) 270 Colorblind 271 Cool Kids 272 Dancing Queen 273 Songbird 274 Somebody That I Used To Know 275 Singing In The Rain / Umbrella 276 I Feel Pretty / Unpretty 277 Borderline / Open Your Heart 278 In My Life 279 I'm Still Standing 280 Blow Me (One Last Kiss) 281 Do Ya Think I'm Sexy? 282 Do They Know It's Christmas? 283 Mustang Sally 284 Pinball Wizard 285 Anything Could Happen 286 America 287 Any Way You Want It 288 Higher Ground 289 Flashdance... What A Feeling 290 My Life 291 Let It Go 292 If I Can't Have You 293 L-O-V-E 294 Closer 295 Addicted To Love 296 Heroes 297 A Boy Like That 298 Diamonds Are A Girl's Best Friend / Material Girl 299 Holding Out For A Hero 300 Dinosaur 301 Disco Inferno 302 Party All The Time 303 Raise Your Glass 304 Push It 305 Lean On Me 306 Pure Imagination 307 Lovefool 308 Lovin', Touchin', Squeezin' 309 Americano / Dance Again 310 All Of Me 311 At Last 312 Promises, Promises 313 Hair / Crazy In Love 314 Happy Xmas (War Is Over) 315 Chasing Pavements 316 Don't You (Forget About Me) 317 Love Child 318 School's Out 319 Poker Face 320 Boogie Shoes 321 Bootylicious 322 I Love New York / New York, New York 323 One Less Bell To Answer 324 Signed, Sealed, Delivered I'm Yours 325 Rehab 326 I Don't Want To Know 327 Shout 328 I'm The Greatest Star 329 I Love It 330 Never Say Never 331 Juke Box Hero 332 One Bourbon, One Scotch, One Beer 333 Glad You Came 334 For Once In My Life 335 Here Comes The Sun 336 Baby It's You 337 Drive My Car 338 Last Friday Night 339 Roots Before Branches 340 The Only Exception 341 Survivor / I Will Survive 342 All Or Nothing 343 Time After Time 344 You're The One That I Want 345 Yeah! 346 Starships 347 You've Got To Hide Your Love Away 348 Story Of My Life 349 Something 350 We Need A Little Christmas 351 Gold Digger 352 Beth 353 Fighter 354 Forget You 355 How To Be A Heartbreaker 356 Get Back 357 Love You Like A Love Song 358 There's A Light (Over At The Frankenstein Place) 359 We Got The Beat 360 Make 'Em Laugh 361 Sing 362 U Can't Touch This 363 Try A Little Tenderness 364 Pony 365 On Our Way 366 Lucky Star 367 Loser 368 Over The Rainbow 369 Outcast 370 Stop! In The Name Of Love / Free Your Mind 371 What Makes You Beautiful 372 Will You Love Me Tomorrow / Head Over Feet 373 Wide Awake 374 Wishin' And Hoping 375 Yesterday 376 Out Here On My Own 377 You're All The World To Me 378 Somethin' Stupid 379 Someday We'll Be Together 380 River 381 The Longest Time 382 Somebody To Love 383 The Edge Of Glory 384 The Most Wonderful Day Of The Year 385 Lucky 386 Memory 387 Mary's Boy Child 388 Longest Time 389 My Dark Side 390 Taking Chances 391 The First Noël 392 Smile 393 Celebrity Skin 394 All That Jazz 395 A Thousand Years 396 Big Girls Don't Cry 397 Ain't No Way 398 Don't Sleep In The Subway 399 Doo Wop (That Thing) 400 Don't Stop 401 Uptight (Everything's Alright) 402 New York State Of Mind 403 Turning Tables 404 Vacation 405 Fire 406 Hold It Against Me 407 I've Gotta Be Me 408 Endless Love 409 Run The World (Girls) 410 Saving All My Love For You 411 Give Up The Funk 412 I Am Changing 413 I Melt With You 414 I Could Have Danced All Night 415 Fat Bottomed Girls 416 Hot For Teacher 417 Never Going Back Again 418 Imagine 419 Jolene 420 Arthur's Theme 421 Damn It, Janet 422 Control 423 Barracuda 424 Copacabana 425 Barely Breathing 426 I Look To You 427 Come Sail Away 428 Jump 429 Clarity 430 Friday I'm In Love 431 Jar Of Hearts 432 It's Not Unusual 433 Footloose 434 Here Comes Santa Claus 435 Happy Days Are Here Again / Get Happy 436 Help! 437 Greased Lightning 438 Hell To The No 439 All Out Of Love 440 (You Make Me Feel Like) A Natural Woman 441 Candles 442 All By Myself 443 Hello Goodbye 444 It's A Man's Man's Man's World 445 I Say A Little Prayer 446 It Must Have Been Love 447 Just Give Me A Reason 448 Come See About Me 449 Born To Hand Jive 450 I Want To Know What Love Is 451 I Wish 452 I'll Remember 453 Get It Right 454 (I've Had) The Time Of My Life 455 I'll Stand By You (Cory) 456 Forever Young 457 A Change Would Do You Good 458 Smile (Charlie Chaplin song) 459 Best Day Of My Life 460 An Innocent Man 461 Dreams 462 All About That Bass 463 Home (originally by Michael Bublé) 464 Black Or White 465 Baby 466 Bad 467 Problem 468 Oh Chanukah 469 What Kind Of Fool 470 Wings 471 You're My Best Friend 472 You're All I Need To Get By 473 White Christmas 474 Whenever I Call You Friend 475 Wanna Be Startin' Somethin' 476 What Doesn't Kill You (Stronger) 477 Wedding Bell Blues 478 More Than A Feeling 479 More Than A Woman 480 Our Day Will Come 481 P.Y.T. (Pretty Young Thing) 482 Here's To Us 483 Honesty 484 Hall Of Fame 485 It's All Coming Back To Me Now 486 Teach Your Children 487 Night Fever 488 What The World Needs Now 489 Listen 490 Let Me Love You 491 Live While We're Young 492 Light Up The World 493 Trouty Mouth 494 Werewolves Of London 495 Kiss 496 Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas 497 Movin' Out (Anthony's Song) 498 Mickey 499 Mean 500 Mercy 501 Merry Christmas Darling 502 Let's Wait Awhile 503 Man In The Mirror 504 Rather Be 505 Rise 506 Good Vibrations 507 Faithfully 508 Firework 509 How Deep Is Your Love 510 Fix You 511 Fire And Rain 512 Give Your Heart A Break 513 Rockin' Around The Christmas Tree 514 Little Girls 515 Cry 516 Bust A Move 517 Bridge Over Troubled Water 518 Bring Him Home 519 Cheek To Cheek 520 Break Free 521 As Long As You're There 522 Big Ass Heart 523 Bitch 524 Bamboleo / Hero 525 Away In A Manger 526 Deck The Rooftop 527 Christmas Eve With You 528 Angels We Have Heard On High 529 Creep 530 Crush 531 Make No Mistake, She's Mine 532 Lose My Breath 533 Look At Me I'm Sandra Dee (Reprise) 534 What I Did For Love 535 Wake Me Up 536 Thousand Miles 537 Take A Bow 538 Still Got Tonight 539 The Music Of The Night 540 Stereo Hearts 541 The Chipmunk Song (Christmas Don't Be Late) 542 Take Me Or Leave Me 543 I'm The Only One 544 Isn't She Lovely 545 I Just Can't Stop Loving You 546 I'll Never Fall In Love Again 547 Unchained Melody 548 You're A Mean One, Mr. Grinch 549 You Have More Friends Than You Know 550 You Should Be Dancing 551 I'm His Child 552 You Learn / You've Got A Friend 553 Somewhere 554 So Far Away 555 Uptown Funk 556 The Winner Takes It All 557 They Long To Be Close To You 558 Tonight 559 Being Good Isn't Good Enough 560 You May Be Right 561 To Love You More 562 Don't Wanna Lose You 563 Do You Hear What I Hear? 564 Ice Ice Baby 565 Don't Go Breaking My Heart 566 Don't Make Me Over 567 I Won't Give Up 568 I'll Be Home For Christmas 569 I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For 570 I Still Believe / Super Bass 571 I Wanna Dance With Somebody (Who Loves Me) 572 I Want You Back 573 Father Figure 574 Everybody Hurts 574 Gangnam Style 576 We Are The Champions 577 Stayin' Alive 578 Superman 579 The Rose 580 Don't Stop Believin' (Rachel) 581 Fly / I Believe I Can Fly 582 Gives You Hell 583 I Love L.A. 584 Mr. Roboto / Counting Stars 585 O Holy Night 586 Only The Good Die Young 587 One 588 Silent Night 589 Piano Man 590 Sexy And I Know It 591 Sgt. Pepper's Lonley Hearts Club Band 592 Pretending 593 Physical 594 Danny's Song 595 Stand 596 The Final Countdown 597 You Can't Always Get What You Want 598 You Are Woman, I Am Man 599 You've Lost That Lovin' Feelin' 600 Your Song 601 Say 602 No Air 603 Need You Now 604 No Surrender 605 Piece Of My Heart 606 Thong Song 607 Blurred Lines 608 Another One Bites The Dust 609 I Was Here 610 Bella Notte 611 I Know What Boys Like 612 God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen 613 Glory Days 614 Friday 615 More Than Words 616 Waiting For A Girl Like You 617 Welcome Christmas 618 You Spin Me Round (Like A Record) 619 You Give Love A Bad Name 620 We Built This City 621 Whistle 622 Who Are You Now? 623 You And I / You And I 624 Take Care Of Yourself 625 Tell Me Something Good 626 The Rain In Spain 627 Can't Fight This Feeling 628 Jingle Bell Rock 629 In Your Eyes 630 Hello 631 Good Riddance (Time Of Your Life) 632 I Only Have Eyes For You 633 Jingle Bells 634 Joy To The World 635 I Wanna Sex You Up 636 Fight For Your Right (To Party) 637 Feliz Navidad 638 I'm So Excited 639 Uninvited 640 The Living Years 641 The Fox (What Does The Fox Say?) 642 O Christmas Tree 643 One Love (People Get Ready) 644 Ohio 645 Only Child 646 Hello Twelve, Hello Thirteen, Hello Love 647 My Sharona 648 Dance The Night Away 649 Poison 650 My Cup 651 Not The End 652 What It Feels Like For A Girl 653 Listen To Your Heart 654 Little Drummer Boy 655 One Hand, One Heart 656 Bein' Green 657 Big Spender 658 Billionaire 659 Ben 660 Gimme More 661 Burning Up 662 Hey Ya! 663 Hey, Soul Sister 664 Baby Got Back 665 Blue Christmas 666 Bohemian Rhapsody 667 Far From Over 668 The Trolley Song 669 Starlight Express 670 Whip It 671 You're The Top 672 Red Solo Cup 673 Next To Me 674 Rolling In The Deep 675 Rainbow Connection 676 La Cucaracha 677 (You're) Having My Baby 678 A Little Less Conversation 679 Happy 680 Highway To Hell 681 Same Love 682 Rock Lobster 683 Girls Just Want To Have Fun

[shittyelfwriter]

Ya girl Dani is v tired but has decided on which scenario! Ahem! Both Bernard and Elle have the flower petal vomit thing due to unrequited love for each other, but don't realize it. One of them (I'll let you decide which of them) decides to get it surgically removed; the other one realizes it's for the other part of Bernelle and rushes to tell them. But it's too late, the surgery has finished and the petals are gone--along with the romantic feelings for the realizer. (i reasearched tf out of it)

Warnings: angst for the sake of angst. There isn’t a happy ending to this one, guys. It’s very bittersweet. Not a happy version of this au, but Dani was specific! Maybe I can do a version with a happy ending sometime, but for now, here’s 5k of bernelle pain and unresolved feelings. Also apologies if it’s rough, I’m still getting back into the swing of things asjjdkshl

Some mood music to listen to while you read:

AlmostIs Never Enough —Ariana Grande ft. Nathan Sykes

You Don’t Know Me by Michael Buble

AU description:

Hanahaki Disease (花吐き病 (Japanese); 하나하키병(Korean); 花吐病 (Chinese))is a fictional disease in which the victim coughs up flower petals when they sufferfrom one-sided love. It ends when the beloved returns their feelings (romanticlove only; strong friendship is not enough), or when the victim dies. It can becured through surgical removal, but when the infection is removed, the victim’sromantic feelings for their love also disappear.

One thing was certain: Elle knew thiswasn’t how flowers were supposed to work.

They came in bouquets and posies and corsagesand arrangements, they grew in gardens and window boxes and out from thesidewalk when you least expected them. They were something happy, andbeautiful, and bright.

Not something to dread, because theyweren’t supposed to grow out from your lungs when you couldn’t find a way totell your friend that you were in love with him.

She wasn’t sure when it had started. Infact, she suspected it had begun because of hissituation. They’d been walking towork together one morning, chatting and having a conversation about something funny BuddyClaus had done the day before. Elle couldn’t help but laugh, and that’swhen it happened. Bernard had been smiling, but the next moment he was coughinginto his fist.

“You okay?” She’d asked, clueless to whatwas happening, unaware of what happened to those who felt a little too much forsomeone they shouldn’t. He’d straightened, staring at something in his hand fora moment before slipping his hand into his pocket and continuing on their way.

“Yeah, absolutely fine.” He’d smiled at heragain, but he seemed troubled, almost pained somehow. The subject had droppedfor the time being, seeing as Elle didn’t like to pry.

But the cough didn’t seem to go away. Hemade the excuse that he had probably caught some sort of cold—unlikely, for anelf, but not completely unheard of. Elle worried about him and kept an eye onhim in order to help in any way she could. It was that same vigilance thateventually led her to understand what was happening.

Petals in the trash can in his office. Thescent of flowers always lingering on him. He’d caught what she’d heard Cupidcall in its simplest form lovesickness, and as soon as she’d realized that, atiny seed of jealousy sprang up in her heart. Or was it jealousy? Because itdidn’t feel sour and angry, but rather, longing.  An ache blooming in her chest when she sawhim try to hide his affliction.

Maybe it wasn’t surprising then when shebegan to cough up petals of her own. She wasn’t sure when or how it had shiftedfrom friendly concern to a pain in her heart when she thought of him sufferingfor want of someone else. And the most terrible part of it all was realizingthat she dreaded the day he arrived to work with lungs free of flowers, becausethat would be the day that he had finally confessed his feelings. The day she’dofficially lose her chance forever—a chance she was too afraid to take in thefirst place.  

It was stupid, Elle decided one morningwhen, after breakfast, she found herself coughing up rose petals into thekitchen sink. Why should he feel so alone in his situation? Clearly he thoughthe needed to hide it—which made sense, since if the lovesickness went untreatedyou could in theory die from it.Maybe he didn’t want to show weakness. But the ache in Elle’s chest when shesaw him looking sad, when he didn’t realize she was watching, tore her heart topieces more than the problem in her own chest, and her silence had to bebroken.

“It’s okay, you know.” It was a quietThursday evening, the workshop was slow and they were both in his officetogether sorting out invoices and inter-departmental memos. He looked up, mouthstill hidden by a handkerchief after yet another coughing fit. She could hearthe wheeze in his lungs, a sure sign of the disease’s progression. He wasfurther along than she was. He looked mildly confused, but also as if afraidhe’d been caught. She was quiet, sliding the trashcan towards him. “I know.”

“What? I don’t…” He watched as Elle turnedher pockets out, an array of softly colored petals falling into her lap. Sheoffered him a small, bittersweet smile, and his heart broke a little as herealized what she was trying to say.

“Takes one to know one, right?” She saidwith a slight laugh. Now that he listened, he could hear the telltale gratebehind her voice that betrayed her condition. “It’s not anything to be ashamedof, really. They say love is beautiful, right? Even if it is tearing you apartinside—quite literally.”

Shehad it too. She had it too, his mind kept chanting at him, as if it meantsomething good for him. A slight bit of hope sprouted in his chest.

“How did you…I mean, you’ve done a betterjob hiding it than me,” he admitted sheepishly. She chuckled, and he watchedher scoop the petals into the trash. What a fitting metaphor for theirsituation: wasted potential, to love for nothing. “How long?”

“Oh about a month now. Not as long as you,but not by much. Did you know,” Elle said with a laugh, “that at first Ithought it was contagious? That I’d caught it from you. I had to read up on itto realize that it doesn’t work that way.”

“I’m sorry.”

“It’s not your fault—“

“No, Elle.” Bernard reached over and set ahand on top of hers. There was a moment of heavy silence between them, and thenhe continued. “I shouldn’t have tried to hide it from you. We’re a team, youand I. We shouldn’t keep secrets like this, not big, life threatening ones atleast, not from each other. And even worse, I made you feel like you needed tokeep yours a secret too.”

“Forget it.” She gave his hand a gentlesqueeze, unable to meet his eyes for the fluttering she couldn’t stop in herchest. “We know now, that’s all that matters.”

He smiled, and she finally got control of heremotions enough to look him in the face. His eyes were warm, kind. She felt amiserable hollowness in her stomach at the thought that his love was already sostrong for someone that it manifested physically. God, she wished that were her. “No more secrets, okay?” He said,and she swallowed her feelings down before replying.

“Yeah, no more secrets B.” No more secrets, except that I love you.

It was so much worse after that, because hewas so much kinder and more caring for knowing she was ill too. He made effortsto check in with her more often, to make sure she was taking care of herself.He was the one who made sure she went to see Hismus so that she could get allthe help she could. She made sure he did the same. But pills could only do somuch to help the garden growing in their lungs, or what was growing in theirhearts.

Every day, Elle choked on the confessionshe wanted to make. But the timing was never right, or she’d see him speakingwith another elf and reality would strike her like a slap to the face. It wasn’t her. He was in love, and itwasn’t with her. He had been the one to say no more secrets, right? If he’dfelt anything for her he’d have said it then.

She just wished it were easier to stopfeeling the way she did for him. Because every little smile and every littlesideways glance and every passing touch left her hunched over the sink when shegot home, coughing for hours and crying with anger at her own stupidity. Cryingbecause she hated her own stupid broken heart.

It was two and a half months later that thegrowth had spread throughout both of their lungs. The secret was officially outnow, for both of them. Elle’s condition had progressed more quickly than hisand was near surpassing Bernard’s in severity. Quentin and Curtis had teamed upunder Santa’s orders to run the workshop until Bernard and Elle figured outwhat to do. It was late, past 1 am, and she was sitting in his house, on hiscouch in a mostly dark living room.

“I’m going to do it,” she told him, theache in her chest feeling empty in spite of the blooms she knew were trying toclaw their way out. She didn’t have to explain, he knew what she meant. “I…Ican’t take it, anymore. It’s too much. It’s not even what’s in my chest, it’s…”she trailed off, coughing. He passed her a tissue; by the time she’d stoppedcoughing, it was speckled with blood. “It’s what’s in my heart. The weight ofit makes me wish I was dead.”

“Don’t say that.” Hearing her say that somatter-of-factly tore at Bernard’s conscience. If he’d told her by now, maybe she wouldn’t feel this way. Thenagain, maybe if he’d told her, she wouldn’t be sitting next to him either. Thatwas what had been keeping  him silent:the fear of losing her altogether.

“I know, I know.” Elle gave a shaky sigh. “I’mnot thinking clearly. Hell, I haven’t been thinking clearly for a long timenow.” Her pulse was racing just from sitting beside him, but she still feltthat sense of belonging that toyed with her hopes all too much. “I have to dowhat my head tells me is right. My heart has been in control for too long now,and look what it’s done to me.”

He’d worried she’d say that, dreaded theday it would come to that decision. He’d sworn he’d be brave, that he’d tellher before she had to make such a terrible choice. Maybe even a selfish part ofhim wanted her to have the surgery;if her feelings for whoever she loved were gone, maybe she’d have room in herheart for him, and all he was carrying in his. “That’s one way of looking atit,” he admitted, leaning back and slowing breathing in. It was excruciating,but the slower the better.

“You don’t agree?” He didn’t reply. A noteof desperation came into her voice, a dread. “B…no. Don’t tell me—“

“I don’t think I need to tell you. You seemto already know.” He leaned his head to the side, a gentleness in his gaze. “Idon’t want to let this go, Elle. I’ve never felt something like this forsomeone before…who knows? I might never feel anything like it again. It meanstoo much to me to cut the flowers out and throw away everything I feel withthem.”

“But you know what happens…” she trailed off, her throat tightening as tearsthreatened to spill out of her eyes. She took a deep breath and forced herselfto continue. “You know what happensif you don’t get them removed. If you don’t tell them.”

“If I don’t tell her,” he clarified, reaching out to tuck a strand of hair behindher ear. Elle felt her stomach twist bitterly, her cheek leaning subconsciouslytowards his palm. A ghost of a smile crossed his lips. “I know. But Elle.” Hesmiled and she felt the tears spill out and down her cheeks. She could tell bythe feeling of his thoughts that he’d made up his mind as much as she had abouther decision. “I’ve been around long enough. If this is how I go out? Fromloving someone? Then that’s not the worst way to go, now is it?”

She couldn’t find words. Everything wasblurry and her lungs ached and the next thing she knew she was pulledtight against his chest, the sound of his heartbeat against her ear.

“What am I supposed to do?” She sobbed,hiding her face in his shirt. “I—if you’re g-gone what am I supposed to—“

He shushed her, stroking her hair. “Itmight not come to that.”

“But if it does?”

He didn’t reply. Elle knew right then andthere that there was no turning back for her. If he was willing to die for hisfeelings, then she would cut hers out. Because if she didn’t, and he died, thenit wouldn’t be long before she was in the dirt with him.

“You though.” She hadn’t expected him to goon. His voice was low near her ear, comforting and soft. “You’re very young,Elle. You have time to love again if you want to. If you were very brave, you could even tell the onewho’s made you so sick.”

She didn’t reply.

“Do they even know that they’re the reasonyou’re sick, Elle?”

A long pause. “No.”

“Don’t you think they deserve to know?”

She shook her head, the motion sharp andtight. “No, B. He loves someone else.”

“Are you sure?”

“Nearly positive.”

“What if you just told him—“

“It’s not that simple.”

“Why not?” There was a desperateexasperation in his voice. He knew it was going against his best interest toargue for Elle to tell this person how she felt, but his feelings for her made theurge to see her happy, and safe, and loved and well again overrule his own needs. “If you just explained, maybe—“

“B!” Elle pulled away from him, a fieryanger in her eyes he’d never seen from her before in spite of the tears stillstreaming down her face. “He’s more than I deserve,” she said, tremblingly. “Ishouldn’t have dared to feel what I do, and now I’m paying the price for mychoice.” Her shoulders sagged, and she looked down at her lap. “He’d never wantme. Please, just take my word for it.”

It tore at him to let her think somethinglike that, but he knew arguing would just hurt her worse. “Okay,” he conceded,and her body slumped in relief. “But only because I don’t want to stress youeven more by trying to change your mind.”

She leaned back against his shoulder, limpand hopeless. “Thank you,” she whispered, and he nodded. “You know there isn’tanything I wouldn’t do for you,” she said quietly. “But to change my mind onthis is too much. Please forgive me.”

“There’s nothing to forgive, Elle. I’m sorry for making things worse.” She had noidea how much he meant by that.  

No more was said that night about thematter, nor in the days that followed. They became less and less functional,but for some reason nearly always found themselves at one another’s places; ifnot one, than the other. Only one day Bernard showed up to her loft and foundit empty.

“Elle?” Worry ran through him, panicbuilding in his pulse even though he knew he shouldn’t let himself. It was badenough that he couldn’t stay away from the girl who would be the end of him,but he had to let the small things bring him closer to that demise? Maybe shewas just out for groceries, but the severity of their situation made him worrytoo much.

He found no sign of Elle, other than asheet of paper and a book on the kitchen counter. The paper was from theelfirmary, he realized, and knew he should stop reading right there. Hisstomach sank when he saw that it was an appointment date—for that day. So shewas finally going through with her decision. He felt sick to his stomach andsat down, scanning the page for more details against his good judgment.

Bernard didn’t know if he should feelrelieved or concerned. Since he didn’t know who she loved, he didn’t know whoto feel sorry for, and he couldn’t help but feel nervous jitters at the thoughtof her maybe, just maybe having roomfor him in her heart when it was over. Maybe she was right, maybe the surgerywas her best option.

But then his eyes glanced down at thecounter and saw the book on the counter. It was a journal, actually; well used,with many of its pages filled—maybe a little less than half of the pages leftuntouched. It had a strap around it, which served to keep it relatively flat. Asoulmates journal, he realized, something that those with lovesickness oftenused to funnel their emotions into one place in case they never got the courageto speak to the object of their affection. Elle’ssoulmate journal. It looked full of secrets; ones that belonged to her andtold what was really inside her heart. He knew he shouldn’t touch it but at thesame time, it was like it called out to him in a language he could only hear.Then again, maybe that was just the ache in his own heart speaking. Unable toresist the urge, he pulled the book closer and removed the strap.

The pages were filled with writing, Elle’s writing. Her distinct handwritingcovered the pages; little doodles in some of the margins, other slips of paperfolded and tucked between the pages along with a wide array of petals of allsizes and colors—and later on, some smaller, complete flowers. His eyes grazedover the pages, almost not daring to read words not meant for him. It made hischest sore, and more than once he had to take a break to cough into his sleeve.

But at last he flipped back to the first pageand found her starting point, an inscription on the inside cover dated early onthat year.

Wow,I really don’t know how to start this.

Notthat I expect you’ll ever lay eyes on these words, since I’m terrified of youeven knowing how I feel. You didn’t ask for this—you love someone else. I seethe signs all over you  and it breaks myheart, but that’s not your fault, or your problem. I just hope that maybe, if Iwrite down the things I wish I could say to you every day, this will hurt a littleless and my lungs might give me a little longer before choking me out with myown feelings. A little more time to spend by your side.

Doyou mind if I address my entries to you? I hope not. You’re always the person Igo to first, the only person who makes me feel safe when I speak my mind. Hereare all the things I wish I was brave enough to say to your face, all thethings I bite back when you ask me what I’m thinking.

 Her initial was at the bottom of the page,and the entries began on the next. Starting with…with…

DearB,

I’mso sorry, but I’m terribly in love with you.

Bernard looked up, hands shaking, heartstopped in his chest. No, he couldn’t have missed…he couldn’t have missed this,could he? Had he been so blinded by his own fears that he couldn’t see herbeing just as in love with him as he was with her? 

The entry went on fromthere, leading into the rest of the journals contents. Day after day ofentries, sometimes multiple entries a day. And then he noticed what the slipsof paper were. A photo of them at last year’s Christmas after party. A ticketstub from the time he’d taken her to the movies. The birthday card he’d givenher that winter. A note he’d left her asking her to make sure she got enoughrest. A few petals of his, glued to the page with the caption, does she know how lucky she is for you tolove her this much? He stared back down at the page, tears stinging hiseyes as they trailed back to her first sentence. Dear B…I’m so sorry, but I’m terribly in love with you…

Next thing he knew he’d sprung to his feet,eyes still blurry with tears and a sob half hanging in his throat. He snatchedthe journal off the table and ran for the door, hoping against hope that itwasn’t too late.

Moments later he appeared outside the elfirmary,bursting into the lobby so winded he was nearly doubled over. Any attempt tohurry nowadays left him short of breath, but that didn’t stop him from hurryingtowards the nearest nurse. “Elle,” He wheezed out, feeling petals at the backof his throat. “Where’s—“

“Bernard?” Her voice. Her voice, but toocalm, too clear. His stomach sank like a stone, his eyes almost refusing tolook up. He slipped the book behind his back and turned to see Elle, standingin the doorway with Dr. Hismus just behind her. “Are you looking for me? What’shappened?”

“You’re…” He couldn’t finish the sentence.He’d spent so long used to seeing love in her eyes but not understanding whatit meant; now that it was gone, her expression seemed all wrong.

And then it hit him. He was the reasonshe’d done this. He was the one she’d been talking about all along. He’s more than I deserve, she’d said. I shouldn’t have dared to feel what I do,and now I’m paying the price for my choice. He’d never want me. Please, justtake my word for it.

This was his fault. Elle’s heart was empty,and it was his fault.

“I’mfine,” she reassured him, coming over and setting a hand on his arm with asmile—but it didn’t read genuine like it should have. “You didn’t think youneeded to come and check on me, did you? I asked Abby to let you know I’d be byonce I was done.”

“I guess I didn’t run into her in time.” Hecouldn’t help but search her face for any signs of her still feeling the wayhe’d read, the way he’d been feeling for her all this time, but…

“Her surgery was a complete success,”Hismus explained with a smile that felt cruel, even though it wasn’t meant tobe. Bernard felt numb to his toes, devoid of any feeling with the sudden senseof overwhelming loss. He’d had everything at his fingertips, for just a moment,and just as quickly, it was gone.

He was too late.

Elle walked him home. She might not havefelt any love for him anymore, but as his friend she still felt obligated tomake sure he got out of the cold safely. There was an emptiness between themthat her small talk couldn’t fill, and he couldn’t bring himself to try and fixit. He was too deep in thought, searching for some way to ask if she reallydidn’t have any of her feelings anymore. It was like he couldn’t fully comprehendthat what he wanted was forever out of his reach, that that hope he’d had ofher finally having room for him in her heart was completely gone.

“How are you feeling?” Bernard asked Elledirectly, maybe a little too directly even. They were on his front porch, snowjust beginning to fall in gentle flurries. Elle took a deep breath of the chillair, her exhale a cloud of steam. A smile crossed her lips, but when she lookedat him there was still that hollowness behind her eyes.

“Like I’m finally thinking clearly for thefirst time in a long time.”

She left him at his own house, alone. Forthe first time in weeks it seemed that she didn’t feel the need to be therewith him. It was only when she’d gone that he realized he was still holding herjournal, surprised that she hadn’t noticed him carrying it. Maybe it justdidn’t matter to her enough anymore to warrant saying anything.

It was too quiet with just him and hisfeelings for company.

The ache in his chest was constant, now. Ifhe’d thought he was heartbroken before it was nothing to the wavering, wiltingsensation crushing him from within. He spent a good portion of the eveningcleaning bloody petals up off of his floor, wondering why he was evenbothering.

But at last, he came back to the journal.He sat on the floor in his living room and read the whole thing from front toback, reliving every moment they’d spent together, every laugh, cherishing everysweet thing she’d wished she’d said aloud but had written down instead. Thelast few entries were wishes, things she despaired she’d never had the courageto do with him, and then apologies, apology after apology for her decision. Thepages were tear stained before he’d read them, but they were much worse forwear after he had. And then he sat, surrounded by petals and tissues, staringat the remaining blank pages spread out before him.

He’d never kept a soulmate journal of hisown, but maybe…maybe he could finish their story.

And so he sat there well into the night,writing replies to the words she’d never said. Penning more moments they’dshared, regrets of his own, words of comfort that she didn’t need anymore.Telling her things about himself he’d been too afraid to share, making his ownwishes that would never come true. But the last thing he wrote was an apology.

Iknow I told you that I would rather die than lose the way I feel—lose the way Ifeel about you, Elle. But now I know that I love you too much to do that. Ilove you too much to leave you alone.

Pleaseforgive me.

A few days passed. Elle showed up to work asshe always did first thing in the morning, bringing some fresh departmentreports to his desk with a cheerful smile yet still calm and cool andcollected, her telepathy still down and out from the anesthesia from her surgeryseveral days before. She looked around, finding his office rather cleaner thanusual. There was even a vase of roses on one of the side tables, without apetal out of place. She wasn’t exactly sure why that mattered…the explanationseemed foggy, and far away. Unimportant, even.

“Good morning, sir.” Elle said. “I didn’texpect to see you back so soon. Are you feeling better?” She’d never called himsir before. It wouldn’t be the last time, either. Maybe their friendship hadgotten lost along the way with their other feelings, too.

If he noticed, he didn’t seem to care aboutthe change. Bernard looked up from the book he was reading, and smiled—but therewas a void behind the eyes. A lack of feeling that would never quite heal, asign of something that had been taken away. He got up, closing the journal andsetting it on the bookshelf directly behind his desk.

“Thank you Elle. I’m feeling much betternow.”

[theworstbob]

yellin’ at songs: 4.8.2017, 4.7.2007

the songs that debuted on the billboard chart this week and ten years ago this week.

4.7.2007

46) "Everything," Michael Buble

So, I'm not a smoker, right? Never have been, never will be. But there are times, y'know, when I'll just be sitting at home, and I'll think, "Man. I could really go for a cigarette!" I have neighbors who smoke pretty intensely, and sometimes I'll catch a whiff of that cigarette smell, and by golly, that's a sense memory trigger for me, brings me right on back to childhood, those summer nights driving home from bell choir practice, playing the alphabet game with my sisters while Mom took in a Marlboro Light. The scent and the memory hits, and gosh-darn, a cigarette sounds really good! And... then I'll catch that second whiff? And I'll be reminded, oh yeah, fuck that. I don't need something that gross in my life. This is what Michael Buble is to me, is a cigarette. I think about crooners, and I think, yeah, soothing voice, classy love songs, probably wearing a suit. Frank Sinatra, Dean Martin, Bing Crosby, yeah. Yeah a crooner in 2017 sounds nice. But then I hear a Michael Buble song, and I'm reminded, oh dear. Oh, no, I never wanted this, I just liked the idea of this, all those old dudes beat their wives I’m pretty sure, the reality is awful!

67) "Wait for You," Elliott Yamin

This is significantly less funky than "Movin' On." This was the first real single, right? That's kind of dumb. We could have been doing so much more with Elliott Yamin than giving him this ballad and saying "make this more than it is!" And he does, the only reason this song hits is dude's voice, but what a disappointing use of this voice! "Movin' On" was such a tasty jam, but you're telling me the vision of Elliott Yamin you wanted to share with the world was "more talented Clay Aiken?" FOH. There's a version of Elliott Yamin's career where he gets to jam out for a few years, THEN he takes a residency in Vegas and only releases songs like this. Instead, we get the darkest timeline, Yamin releasing one ballad and then releasing several albums in Japan only. "Katy" is a dope track only Japan gets to buy! How? How did this get screwed up so bad!

72) "Lost in This Moment," Big & Rich

here's a fun and easy way to improve this song: make it about literally any other fucking moment in the relationship than the one where you are codifying your love in the eyes of the law and your god. literally, any other one. like that's what makes "cupid's chokehold" so great, is the little moments that the dude recounts. it's not just the sunrise in her eyes, y'know? she's making pancakes. she calls you and the ringtone you have for her plays. you're talking on the phone, and you look at the clock and realize it's been three hours. he draws a unique relationship with these mundane moments that make him step back and say "wow," and it reinforces how excited he is to be in that relationship. this is stating the obvious. "ah geez, person i'm literally getting married to right now, i sure love you." great. thanks. thanks for sharing. it would've sure sucked if you didn't.

83) "Tell Me 'Bout It," Joss Stone

So right from the go, I'ma show you this Stone, and I'ma make sure you really want me to try to squeeze blood from it. You sure? It's a reasonably funky Stone, perfectly acceptable, and I don't mind its presence in my life, but I'm pretty sure I'm not gonna be able to squeeze any blood from it. I can give it my best if you desire! I'ma tell you right now, I'm doubtful I can do much with it.

95) "Who Knew," Pink

Another song that is more or less fine! Pink's great. This is probably the 14th-best Pink song. She gives it her all, and by gum is Pink's B-game better than almost anyone else's A-game, but you see I have, like, this point to prove with Jordan Pruitt? I'm not sure what that point is, but I'd very much like to make it. Ah, but then, there are optics to consider. Because if "Who Knew" isn't the one who ends the out-of-nowhere miracle run of Jordan Pruitt, it would almost certainly be Breaking Benjamin. "Breath" is a song which drops next week, it's a song I've been loving for ten years, and it would be impossible for me to justify keeping a song I've been loving for so long out of the Top 20. But "Breath" is also kinda self-serious and unfun, it's not a "cool" song to like, and it would be cruel to bounce Jordan Pruitt because this white boy can't help but love some melodic hard rock. It’s also gonna be shitty to bump Pink, but at least Pink has, like, another song in the Top 20, and also a full-ass career of hits. /sighs/ The dream is over. Again: I’m not sure what dream, but it’s over.

97) "Moments," Emerson Drive

yeah okay great. great. way to be humans of new york in song form. "homeless people have stories!" well fuck me then, i thought that homeless dude just went outside one day and didn't stop. i've been so naive.

The top 20, now with no teens trying to survive life as an outcast: 20) "Who Knew," by Pink (4.7.2007) 19) "Like a Boy," by Ciara (3.17.2007) 18) "Grace Kelly," by MIKA (2.17.2007) 17) "Get it Shawty," by Lloyd (3.31.2007) 16) "Break 'Em Off," by Paul Wall ft./Lil' KeKe (3.10.2007) 15) "My Oh My," by The Wreckers (1.27.2007) 14) "Mr. Jones," by Mike Jones (1.27.2007) 13) "Settlin'," by Sugarland (2.17.2007) 12) "Movin' On," by Elliott Yamin (3.17.2007) 11) "U + Ur Hand," by P!nk (1.13.2007) 10) "Doe Boy Fresh," by Three 6 Mafia ft./Chamillionaire (1.20.2007) 9) "Beautiful Liar," by Beyonce & Shakira (3.31.2007) 8) "Cupid's Chokehold," by Gym Class Heroes ft./Patrick Stump (1.13.2007) 7) "The River," by Good Charlotte ft./M. Shadows & Synyster Gates (2.10.2007) 6) "Say OK," by Vanessa Hudgens (2.17.2007) 5) "Alyssa Lies," by Jason Michael Carroll (1.13.2007) 4) "And I Am Telling You I'm Not Going," by Jennifer Hudson (1.13.2007) 3) "Candyman," by Christina Aguilera (1.13.2007) 2) "Because of You," by Ne-Yo (3.17.2007) 1) "Dashboard," by Modest Mouse (2.17.2007)

4.8.2017

8) "Passionfruit," by Drake 9) "Portland," by Drake ft./Quavo & Travis Scott 18) "Free Smoke," by Drake 29) "Gyalchester," by Drake 35) "Teenage Fever," by Drake 36) "Sacrifices," by Drake ft./2 Chainz & Young Thug 38) "Blem," by Drake 40) "No Long Talk," by Drake ft./Giggs 45) "Get it Together," by Drake ft./Jorja Smith & Black Coffee 48) "KMT," by Drake ft./Giggs 49) "Jorja Interlude," by Drake 50) "4422," by Drake ft./Sampha 51) "Madiba Riddim," by Drake 54) "Glow," by Drake ft./Kanye West 60) "Do Not Disturb," by Drake 61) "Nothings Into Somethings," by Drake 62) "Ice Melts," by Drake ft./Young Thug 64) "Lose You," by Drake 70) "Since Way Back," by Drake ft./PARTYNEXTDOOR 76) "Skepta Interlude," by Drake 82) "Can't Have Everything," by Drake

...the whole thing. i'm go -- okay, see, and i can't ignore this, because three other dudes had songs make their debut, also i have NOT listened to 1997 yet like that seems too big, but i thought, the whole thing? no way! it's 21 whole songs, minus the one that already debuted! i underestimated how much love people have for drake, and god bless 'em, i'm glad they found something in this cruel and random world they can rely on. this isn't good? this isn't good. drake is still very famous and very sad about everything. it's the dullest fucking topic in the world. like i guess i liked "get it together" alright enough, and of course i thought "ice melts" was dope (young thug elevates things a billion fold with his array of delightful mouth noises), but like i don't care? about any of these songs? and like i don't like that i'm complaining about drake a week after saying i didn't have any complaints about ed sheeran, but if i'm assigning every ed sheeran song a grade and every drake song a grade, they get a C- and a D+, respectively, but 70% is a C- and 69% is a D+. it's pretty much the same, one just looks okayer than the other. i just, i don't care. i can just not care, right? like, i don't hate this, i don't like this, this is something i've listened to for this project which assigns homework. 21 fucking drake songs. this is the last time, right? like, the last time i have to listen to a whole album i don't want to listen to for the sake of listening to every song which debuted on the hot 100 in 2017? fuck, man.

i'm sorry. like i mean i didn't go in expecting to be this bored, i want to like everything, this is the YAS project after all, and i know people had positive things to say about this, like everything i heard about this album said, "Yeah, Drake's fine! This is his best in years!" i thought it could be cool! i wasn't dreading the 80 minutes of drake i'd required myself to take in, but christ, that's a lot of drake. that is entirely too much drake for one sitting, and i, i can't, y'know? i tried, but, it's this.

88) "At My Best," by Machine Gun Kelly ft./Hailee Steinfeld

Well alright, this was surprisingly okay! Not Top 20 material this late in the game, certainly not if "Ice Melts" isn't, I'm not gonna ride too hard for a song about how hard Machine Gun Kelly worked to be the fourth-best white rapper in the game, but if you're the fourth-best white rapper, that usually means you're at least listenable. The hook is structured around the biggest cliche possible in 2017, Hailee Steinfeld sells it well enough. It's a bit over-produced, but it never feels too stuffed to soar. Not bad! Legitimately, just good enough to not be bad! I can see the headlines now: Pop Song Performed Capably, Not Hated by Millions.

97) "Trap Trap Trap," by Rick Ross ft./Young Thug & Wale

Is this the most conventional verse Young Thug has ever had? Like I've never heard Young Thug just rapping for this long a period of time, but I'm not gonna sit here and pretend I've consumed every single Young Thug tape. There's nary a mouth noise to be heard! It is oddly fitting, though, that Young Thug would be at his most traditional on a Rick Ross track, Rick Ross being maybe the most average rapper still going. Like of course Rick Ross would just drop a song called "Trap Trap Trap," we're not expecting serious artistic breakthroughs from Rick Ross, who would expect that, why do you expect dumb things, nah this is kind of a perfect Rick Ross song. It's enjoyable and disposable.

98) "Swalla," by Jason Derulo ft./Nicki Minaj & Ty Dolla $ign

BLESS JASON DERULO AND HIS COMMITMENT TO MAKING ABSOLUTELY THE DUMBEST SHIT ON EARTH. No joke, I'm into this. Let's recap what we've been given these last three weeks: 3.25: 10 Ed Sheeran songs 4.1: 3 Nicki Minaj songs (and “Chanel!”) 4.8: 21 Drake songs THIS IS SUCH A TREAT AFTER WHAT WE’VE BEEN THROUGH (”CHANEL” EXCLUDED)! I mean, listen, is Jason Derulo a complete skeezeball? Yes. Could any Jason Derulo song be one tenth as horny and still be several orders of magnitude hornier than any other song on the chart? Absolutely. But this is upbeat and hella stupid and I am mostly into this trash. I mean I'm not 100% down with Jason Derulo offering his cum as refreshment, like hey guy maybe just get her some water, but this song is upbeat and I remember it five minutes after hearing it and it has an outlook on life that isn't, "this is the worst." Jason Derulo is just a ridiculous man who is too into blow-jobs, and goddamnit, I appreciate him.

The current Top 20: 20) "Way Down We Go," by Kaleo (1.14) 19) "Swalla," by Jason Derulo ft./Nicki Minaj & Ty Dolla $ign (4.8) 18) "Everyday," by Ariana Grande ft./Future (3.4) 17) "Light," by Big Sean ft./Jeremih (2.25) 16) "Draco," by Future (3.11) 15) "Guys My Age," by Hey Violet (2.11) 14) "Good Drank," by 2 Chainz ft./Gucci Mane & Quavo (2.11) 13) "Yeah Boy," Kelsea Ballerini (3.4) 12) "Selfish," by Future ft./Rihanna (3.18) 11) "Slide," by Calvin Harris ft./Frank Ocean & Migos (3.18) 10) "It Ain't Me," by Kygo x Selena Gomez (3.4) 9) "Now & Later," by Sage the Gemini (2.25) 8) "Shape of You," by Ed Sheeran (1.28) 7) "That's What I Like," by Bruno Mars (3.4) 6) "Chanel," by Frank Ocean ft./A$AP Rocky (4.1) 5) "Green Light," by Lorde (3.18) 4) "Run Up," by Major Lazer ft./PARTYNEXTDOOR & Nicki Minaj (2.18) 3) "Despacito," by Luis Fonsi ft./Daddy Yankee (2.4) 2) "Issues," by Julia Michaels (2.11) 1) "iSpy," by KYLE ft./Lil Yachty (1.14) I hate that only 9 of these 11 tracks feature women in some form while there’s even one Jason Derulo song in the Top 20, like why couldn’t i like that marian hill thing more. how did mariah carey release a song this year but i got a fucking big sean track in the top 20. what am i doing here.

Who won?

I mean no one won. I think 2017 somehow ended up with the better offerings. That’s the thing about boring; it’s never great, but it’s never outright terrible, either, and three of 2007′s entrants are complete failures. All the Drake songs were the same boring-ass Drake song that’s ever been, but none of them were “Moments.” It’s not an inspiring win for 2017, but evidently there’s new Iggy Azalea, so it’ll take what it can get as long as it can get it.

Current standings: 2017: 1 2007: 1