#it looks like im just trying to promote my old fic but i genuinely want to do smth for each chapter

[drgnbnd]

x it's not enough that the Light destroyed us all

[hyunjilicious]

what is and what should never be [bucky barnes]

A/n: ok, so. Im really fucking insecure about this. I literally poured my heart into this fic. I'm genuinely unhappy with the beginning, but I promise you, it gets better!! I don't have it in me to rewrite it for the 4th time. I really hope you'll still like it though. If you ask me, this is the best fic idea I even had. Please, please, if you enjoyed it, let me know!!!

Summary: It was you and Bucky. An unlikely couple that shared equally disturbed pasts. When you get a day off, your paradise turns into hell as Bucky's nightmares return, leaving you alone to deal with The Winter Soldier. (FLUFF, SMUT, ANGST) 12k

Warnings: 2 smut scenes - they're graphic but not extreme, fluff, angst, violence, mentions of death and suicide, blood, a fight scene - also quite graphic but it was written to serve the angst. I don't want to spoil the ending, but if you really connect with the characters, you will not hate me!!

This day had been long awaited. After months of back to back missions and endless efforts to climb up the greasy pole of US social standards, words failed to describe how ecstatic you were to know, that for the next 24 hours, your whole schedule would fully be in your hands.

You had the freedom to do just about anything you wanted, and the simple fact that the rest of the avengers left to deal with some paperwork excited you to no end. You woke up when it was time for them to take off, and made a snarky remark about heading to the gym - something along the lines of having a productive day centered on self development.

Just about 20 minutes later, you and Bucky, now also alone in the Stark Tower, decided to start off your day on the right foot. He offered to make protein smoothies as you changed into something comfortable and fitting for a workout, but neither of you got their job done.

You had no idea how that happened, but before you knew it you were wearing your sports bra and still had your pajama pants on, moaning on the counter of Tony's kitchen as Bucky had lodged himself between your legs, hungrily exploring the heated skin of your neck, peppering you with bruise marks that represented his adoration for you. "You heal fast anyway" he shrugged, pulling you closer and digging his teeth into your flesh, sucking profusely and eliciting an erotic moan from your lips. 

With every new hickey he left, another one would disappear, which in turn would make him even more frustrated, “The hell should I do? Tattoo hickeys on you!?” he groaned, moving up your neck. You caught his cheeks into your palms and kissed him back, smiling as he kept getting more and more aggravated. 

It didn't come as a surprise when the blender went berserk, splattering fruit pulp, almond milk and protein powder all over the pristine walls of the room - both of you have long forgotten about it. 

The way Bucky cleaned the mess was the epitome of not giving a shit, and you couldn't find it more endearing. He bitched and whined his way through the whole process, and tears formed at the corners of your eyes at the ridiculousness of the half assed job he just did. 

You eventually reached the gym - of course, against all your pouting and begging to put off this session. "Doll, you're the only avenger who can't fight. A punk on the street could snap your purse and there would be nothing you can do"

Wrong, he was not. You couldn't fight - but at the same time that didn't mean you were defenceless. It was your immense power that for months on end made your teammates consider you a liability. The energy that surged through your veins had been too great for you to handle, and in fact, it still was, but now, thanks to the joined efforts of Tony and Bruce, there was a way for that power to be contained. Their solution came in the form of two massive shackles wrapped around the length of your forearms. They were made of dimeritium and kept all kinds of energy from leaving your body. But, even so, that energy was in full form, buzzing inside every fiber of your being. And so, while wearing them you couldn't attack anyone, but there wasn't a way for them to harm you either. That field of energy protected you from every kind of damage and wounds you had ever encountered, ranging from fist fights to automatic rifles to guided grenades.

"I'm the only one that doesn't need to know" you huffed and puffed, annoyed but still determined to get this first training session done with.

But that never happened. Halfway through your warm up rounds, your teasing side awoke and it took you about ten minutes to go from batting your eyelashes and flaunting your ass, to nonchalantly cupping his cock into your hand.

No one could blame Bucky for not even trying to stop you. Bless him, he did everything he could, but he was never able to resist you. And probably never will be.

By the time you were done at the gym, both your bodies were coated in lecherous layers of sweat, no of them being from actually working out. It was only a matter of time until you managed to break his self control and he had you sprawled on all fours in the middle of the boxing ring, moaning your soul out as he pounded your pussy. 

The momentum made your whole frame rock back and forth, your hair falling around your face, "Holy fuck-" 

The room vibrated with the vulgar slaps he afflicted on your bare ass. You arched your back and cried his name out loud, "Come on, Bucky- I- harder please-"

"How are you already so needy?" he chuckled, caging your waist between his strong arms and pulling you up until your back reached his chest. "I ate this pussy this morning before we got out of bed"

"You know I love your tongue-" you giggled out of breath as you tried to look at him over your shoulder. "But it doesn't compare to your cock"

"What does?" Bucky rhetorically questioned before picking up his pace. He kept slamming his hips into yours, fucking you at full force as with each thrust, his cock rammed against your walls hard enough to make you see stars.

"I'm really fucking close, Buck" you whined, feeling your knees start to refuse to maintain your weight any longer. 

"Don't cum yet" he panted, "Wait for me"

"Fuck, fuck, fuck-" you cried out loud, liquid pleasure seeping out of you in the form of fresh tears streaming down your cheeks. "Please-" you whined, "I can't hold it anymore, I'm-"

"Not yet, baby" Bucky groaned, easily stopping you from wiggling around in his hold. His thrusts became sloppy and the orgasm got the best of him. He buried his face deep in your shoulder as his high forced guttural moans to rip from his throat. 

As he filled you up with his cum, as much as you wanted to comment about him making you wait and then not even bothering to tell you you could cum, you couldn't. Your eyes rolled back in pleasure and your chest heaved as the spiral of bliss seemed to go on and on, tons of ecstasy propagating in long painful waves across your body.

"Fuck-" Bucky panted as helped you up, "I could get used to days like this. We should retire"

"I'm not retiring-" you teasingly shook your head, "not until you find a way to give me a baby"

"I'd give you all the babies" he retorted, tugging your hand.

It caused you to lose your balance and stumble into his chest, "I love you"

"Love you" Bucky kissed the top of your head and spun you around. With his palms on your hips, he started guiding you towards the door, "Let's get you cleaned up"

And then, another wave of unproductivity followed. You showered, ordered pizza, whined about how there was still some smoothie left on the floor, and after you warned him about it, your face fell as Bucky stepped directly in the middle of the puddle of almond milk. He was fuming, the incident wiped any traces of happiness off his face. He mumbled something about that being the last pair of comfy socks he had left and something about Tony's devices being a constant pain in the ass. 

He went on and on until you ambushed him with kisses up his neck and shoved your hands under his shirt. In an instant his bickering turned into soft giggles as he innocently relaxed under your touch. You eventually cleaned up the mess and tried to make yourself busy. Nothing worked, you weren't in the mood for anything and at the same time, even though you did absolutely nothing all day, you felt a wave of tiredness envelop you.

At about 4pm, and you Bucky had already been lazily laying in bed, a mess of tangled limbs under the fluffy duvet. Your conversation started from the tactical gear he swore would look better on you than on him and then wondered how you didn't know how to sow.

"I'll hit you" you threatened.

"I'm sorry" he laughed, holding onto your forearm as it was resting on his chest, "But you know how much I love it when you get angry at my misogynistic jokes"

"It's rude" you scoffed - you didn't mean his jokes, but the fact that when he grew up, women were not anywhere near where they are today. 

"You know I don't mean it"

"I know you don't" you laughed, "Otherwise I'd have actually hit you"

"Don’t worry" Bucky said, "I'd hit myself if I was that stupid"

"Cute" you smiled, kissing his shoulder. Looking up at him, you promoted your chin against his chest, "Do you miss it? The 40s i mean"

He thought about it for a second. "Nah" there was a bit of nostalgia in his tone, but you believed him. "I've kinda made my peace with the fact that everyone from my old life is gone. I wouldn't want to go back now. I got you. I got all of you guys. I'm good now, really good"

"I'm glad" you beamed, feeling yourself warm up from the inside just thinking of the progress he made. After a few seconds, you spoke up again, "But what about the society? Like the day to day life? How do you like the 2010s?"

"I can't lie" Bucky laughed, "I liked Romania better. Much simpler."

"You lived in a dead beat apartment, hiding everyday" you scoffed, "How was that better?"

"I don't know… maybe it was the simple life. Apparently I'm all about that"

"You'd move back there?"

"If you came with me?" he questioned, looking down at you. There was genuine sincerity in his eyes and a hint of a smile at the corner of his lips. "Wouldn’t even think twice"

"Maybe one day" you sighed with content. You snuggled back against his side, and closed your eyes. "We're not done avenging yet" you mumbled.

He didn't say anything to that. You didn't know whether he was getting lost in thoughts or if he was starting to drift off, but you would have been fine with either. When he spoke up again, you didn't expect the conversation to take this route.

"About Romania…" he sighed, "What made you come with Steve back in 2016?"

"What do you mean?"

"I mean-" he muttered, rubbing his light stubble, "I know why Steve came-" Bucky chuckled, "And Sam's all up his ass, so there's that. But what about you?"

"I-"

"I'm aware of the rift I caused between you guys back then. So that's why I'm asking. What made you stand by Steve from the beginning?"

"I knew how much you meant to him. And I know how this is going to sound, but I felt sorry for you, Buck. I know what it's like to be alone, to have everyone turn against you. You deserved better"

"Love-?" he called softly, his voice nearly breaking. "What do you mean you know what it's like to have everyone turn against you?"

As you maintained the eye contact, you felt tears prickle, "I know it wasn't fair of me to keep my past a secret, but-"

"You don't have to tell me if you don't want to-" he said softly, his eyes warm. The pain was readable on his features, he hated how your whole demeanour changed.

"It's not that I don't want you to know, it's just that I hate talking about it. Gives me nightmares."

"Then we can just drop it" Bucky murmured, gathering you closer.

"I wish you could know without me telling you" you laughed, "You make everything better and easier. I should've told you, I know. It isn't fair to you. We've been together for almost two years but as far as you're concerned I didn't exist until I joined the avengers. I don't even know how much they know. We never talked about it"

"Love, listen to me. I'm here whenever you want to talk about it. You didn't do anything wrong. There are a lot of things about me that you don't know either. We're not those people anymore. No one can blame us for trying to escape out past"

"Yeah, you're right" you sighed.

Gathering your power, you pushed yourself up and settled beside him, with your legs crossed. You grabbed his hand pulling it into your lap, and intertwined your fingers with his as you spoke.

"Forget the official story, there's no truth to it anyway"

"I really didn't believe your mum was a criminal and that you were in a mental asylum" he joked.

"Good-" you smiled, his words lifting the atmosphere a bit. "Truth is, I don't know anything about my parents. But I have my assumptions. I grew up in that soviet facility so I never met them. I was told it was owned by a group of socialite scientists who wanted our help"

"Our? Who's we?"

"There were 7 of us"

"Did they have the same power as you?"

"Approximately. When we were younger, we used to comply and do everything we were told but as we grew up, things started to change. We weren't happy. Who could be? Considering we were being held in cells and studied like lab rats. We started to act differently and some might even say we tried to rebel, but that didn't work obviously, and that's when the restrictions began. For the last 3 years I spent there, there hadn't been a day where the temperature passed 0°C." 

Your skin crawled as you recaled the endless nights you spent shivering your way to sleep. Everything around you was ice cold. But it wasn't for the sole purpose of torturing you. It was your only weakness. As the temperature dropped, so did the movement of the atoms that made up your body - eliminating your powers to the point where you were barely alive. 

"One day, as spring came, we wanted to break out. We made a plan, and figured that as soon as we were out, we'd be fine. We were wrong. We were off about the weather and they got us before we even exited the perimeter. That's when the avengers heard about us."

By now, Bucky's eyes were wide with genuine curiosity, his mouth agape as he took in the information you provided. With every word you spoke his grip tightened around your fingers and his eyebrows gathered even further. There was discomfort and anger in his features, but he didn't interrupt you once.

"After that, the restrictions got tougher. We realised there was no way out. A lot of things came together in that small time frame. I realised what that place actually was days after we tried to escape. My friends - or that's what I thought they were, figured out another plan. Why fight when you can just eliminate the premise?"

Bucky moved his lips but no words came out. He cleaned his throat and sat up a bit, "What- what do you mean?"

"They tried to kill me" you said, plastering a sympathetic smile on your lips, hoping it would make it easier for him to hear.

"What the fuck. Why?"

"I think my dad used to be part of that team. And I think he made me the way I am. Now I don't know why he wasn't around anymore, but that team wasn't trying to get us to do anything. They were trying to make more of me. So if I was dead-"

"There would be no reason to keep the other kids…" Bucky finished the sentence for you.

You nodded.

"And what happened?"

You bowed your head trying to find a way to put your words together. Bucky didn't rush you, just reassuringly rubbed his thumb across your knuckles, waiting. When a tear from your cheek slipped and landed on the back of his hand, you looked up and took a deep breath. "I killed them. All of them."

He didn't say anything. Didn’t move a muscle, as he waited for you to continue. 

"I didn't even want to do that, Buck" you sobbed, breaking down. "I killed over 20 people because I was afraid. I didn't even move. I was in the corner of my room the whole time, but everyone who approached me was fried to death. I don't even know how I did that. I was just scared"

"Oh, baby" Bucky cooed, pushing himself up to wrap his arms around you. You fell against his chest, crumbling in his embrace. "I hope you know that was not your fault, ok?" he asked, rubbing your back. "You were just a kid, alone and afraid. It breaks my fucking heart, those bastards. Please don't feel sorry for them"

"I feel sorry for the other kids"

"They tried to kill you, Y/n" Bucky countered, "If you hadn't killed them, I would've gone after them. All of them"

"They were desperate..."

"So were you!"

"I can't help but feel like a monster sometimes, you know? Like I'm reckless and out of control. There are times when I'm all happy and excited about what tomorrow would bring, and then i remember what I did, and I have a hard time fighting away the thoughts that try to tell me I don't deserve that"

"What you deserve is the fucking world ok?" Bucky said, tilting your chin so you could see just how serious he was. "This past couple of years, you saved hundreds of lives and I know for a fact you did it out of the pure kindness of your heart, not because you wanted to make up for anything in the past. You're a fucking angel. You're the embodiment of good, you hear me? I know you. You'll never understand how much respect I have for you, and how in awe I am with the kind of person you are. Please, don't ever think less of yourself. Ever, ok?"

Tears rolled down your cheeks as his words proved to be much more than you were able to hear at that moment. "Thanks, Buck. That's sweet of you to say-"

"It's not sweet of me to say, it's the fucking truth" he scoffed, but he somehow managed to make it sound loving. "You didn't even fucking try, but just being around you made me feel like a person again. You're amazing, Y/n. We're all lucky to have you. I'm lucky to have you."

"You're gonna make me cry" you sniffled, curling yourself into a ball against his chest, "I know you were in a dark place when we met. I'm glad I managed to help you through it"

"You pulled me through it" he sighed, tightening his hold around you. "I went from wanting to die, to thinking that I didn't even deserve the easy way out. Look at me now."

"Buck, stop"

"I love you so fucking much" Bucky laughed. 

His whole frame shook as he pulled you back down, safely holding you between his arms, "You're amazing" he added, kissing the top of your head, "Perfect"

"I said, stop" you chuckled, slapping his side, "I get it, you like me, can we-"

"I adore you" Bucky cut you off after grabbing the sides of your face between his palms. "And thanks for trusting me. I know it wasn't easy for you to talk about your past, so thank you. I'm always here for you. If there's anything ever, I got you, ok? Forever"

"I got you too" you added, kissing his cheek and then moving along his jawline, "No matter what happens, you'll always have me on your side. I'm all yours, Bucky"

"Yeah, you are, doll. All mine"

After that talk, how you managed to fall into a deep sleep will always remain a mystery. Nightmares didn't make their way into your mind, and you settled for a dreamless slumber, actually fully content for the first time in a long while.

But not everybody processed grief the same way. And if Bucky mentioned earlier that he was lucky to have you, as you were pulled out of your sleep, you realised that he wasn't as lucky as you were when it came to the mysteries that creep up on you when you least expect them.

-

"Wake up sunshine"

The sound reached your ears, but it wasn't Bucky's voice, so you just groaned in response and rolled over to the other side, completely pressing your face into the pillow.

"Buttercup, it's time to wake up"

The voice seemed uneasy, as if the person speaking was actually terrified. You opened your eyes wearily, and were met with the usual, complete darkness of your room. 

"Come on, Y/n" they spoke again. You turned to see one of Tony's maintenance robots hovering above your body, one small screen lit up on its front. Blinking a few times to rid yourself of the sleep still lingering in your eyes, you managed to make out the faces of Tony and Steve, both staring at you.

"What's going on?" you mumbled.

"You've got incoming," Tony announced, and then shook his head at whatever someone next to him had said. The microphone wasn't performant enough for you to hear what the other person said, but it was not like you cared.

"Incoming what?" you questioned, still confused out of your mind.

He turned his attention back to you, "The asshole"

You frowned and Steve scoffed, "Y/n, it's Bucky. He's not well"

"Wh-" you mumbled, your head snapping to the side, only then realising his side of the bed was empty. You shuffled your arm around the sheets, still warm. "What- what happened?"

"He's gone rogue, Y/n" Steve announced, genuine worry and guilt audible in his voice, "You need to make sure he doesn't leave. You need to stop him"

Tony's workstation. You needed to get the shackles off your arms if you wanted to stand a chance, "Tony? How do I take these off?" you asked, pointing to your cuffs.

"Already taken care off" he nodded, "Get to my desk, it's unlocked. All you need to do is actually get there. If you can"

"If I can-?" you began asking, but a loud explosion sound cut you off, causing the bed to shake as a wind blew through your room. "What the fuck!?"

"He may have found the grenade launchers" Tony smiled bitterly.

"Y/n," Steve called for you, "Please, be careful. And call us. Me and Nat will take the jet but I don't know-"

"Don't worry" you shook your head, jumping off the bed and rushing to your closet. You chose the first clothes you saw laying before your eyes and put them on, ready to go look for Bucky. "I got this, I promise"

"Oh, and Y/n?" Tony said, making you turn to him at the last minute, "Try not to fry my tower"

You nodded and refrained from making any promises you didn't know you could keep. 

As soon as you walked out the door, the sound of automatic rifles going off became deafening. Stepping over piles of broken glass, you made your way to the emergency staircase, heading to Tony's lab. You did so with maximal caution, knowing that if you were spotted, there would be no going back.

Descending the last remaining flight of stairs until his work station, a rush of adrenaline surged through you, knowing just how close you were. Silently rounding the corner, your eyes landed on Bucky's frame, easily holding one of the remaining SHIELD agents up by the neck.

He turned to look at you, eyes cold and empty. Not even rage. There was nothing there. No expression, no empathy, no feeling. It was as if he was dead. This wasn't him. 

"Buck-" you panted, raising your hands up in the air, signaling surrender. You eyed Tony's desk, determined to stall him until you managed to free yourself of the cuffs.

You took a cautious step to the side, hands still up in the air. Bucky watched you as the man struggled against his hold, legs spasming uncontrollably as he kicked and squirmed, even though it was so clearly in vain.

"Don’t mind me-" you smiled, sweat flooding your pores as you slowly approached your destination. "I'll just-"

"You'll just what-?" Bucky groaned, flinging his victim with impeccable ease. The agent's body flew across the room, crushing into the only device that had the power to help you get through this. As the work station crumpled under his weight, so did your hopes of getting out of this. 

"Bucky, hey-" you mumbled, afraid of pissing him off, "I-"

"Who the hell is Bucky?" he frowned, starting to march towards you. Your blood ran cold, knowing you didn't have what it took to keep up with him. You were never able to dodge anyone's blows, let alone his. When he reached you, his hand instantly reached around your neck, lifting you off the floor, "SHIELD?" he asked after taking a look at your attire. Although not carrying the emblem, it was probably the only explanation that made sense to him.

"Well, um-" you huffed, holding onto his wrist in hopes of not running out air, "No, not SHIELD"

"Then who are you?" he growled, tightening his hold on your windpipe.

"Fuck-" you gasped, kicking your legs, even through he didn't even flinch when you hit him. "You're not gonna believe this but, um-"

"Try me"

You looked into his eyes, hoping it would serve as some kind of a memento, that maybe he'd remember you. "You know me, Buck. It's Y/n, I'm- your girlfriend?"

Even saying it made you feel weird. This killing machine, apparently hell bent on wrecking havoc, was not the man you loved, and you cringed just imagining his reaction to hearing your words.

And it did turn out to be worse than expected, as he spun around, doing a complete 180° with your body before slamming you down on the floor. The wood cracked under your bones, knocking the wind out of you. The pain of the impact was excruciating, propagating along your body in waves of some physical agony you had never felt before. The sound of your bones cracking made you sick to your stomach. Your ears caught the sound of your arteries being torn as your organs collapsed.

And if you felt every inch of your body being shattered and destroyed, it was God's way of making you pay for your parent's mistakes, as when your wounds healed mere seconds later, the pain did not go away. Your nerve receptors still registered damage to the tissues, and no matter whether you were actually as good as new, your brain couldn't process that.

What consumed you the most was the fact that as you struggled to stand up, the pain of broken limbs lingered on. But you fought through it, gathered yourself and stood up, facing him again.

You winced with every muscle contraction, but eventually your eyes met his. He showed curiosity, along with something else. Something else which you wished wasn't determination to finish you.

"Can we-" you whimpered, extending a hand, "Can we talk?"

"Talk!?" Bucky raged, grabbing your wrist and twisting your arm to the point where he spun you around, your back pressing against his chest. "Not here to talk" he growled into your ear.

The hairs on your body stood as you heard his voice. Even though it was technically the same voice you loved more than anything in the world, it made you now shiver with a fear you've never experienced before. 

You didn't get a chance to sink too deep in your thoughts before Bucky raised your arm, dislocating your shoulder and busting your humerus into pieces. The pain cut your legs at the knees and you screamed in agony, falling to the floor at his feet.

"Stand up" he commanded, slamming his foot into your side. The momentum made your body roll away, until you settled back on the ground, face deep in the rubble. Your muscles pulled you to your feet with ease, but the pain coursing through you was immense, nowhere near close to what you thought bearable. You felt the skin being ripped from your body and when you looked down, your clothes were torn, soaked in blood, but your skin was intact. It was what you needed to keep going - to get inside your head the fact that you were fine, because at this point, the pain was one bruise away from making you faint.

"Bucky, please-" you cried.

"Stop calling me Bucky!" he yelled, starting to approach you again.

With every step he took, you slowly backed away. "Please, listen to me, just a second, please!"

He shook his head no, a demented smile on his lips as he closed in on you.

"Bucky-"

As a reply to your question, his fist flew up, slamming into your jaw, hard enough to throw you to the ground, "Why do you keep calling me-"

"What else do you want me to call you, huh?" you yelled at him, vision blurred under too many layers of tears. "Tell me, and I'll do it if it'll get you to listen to me."

"I don't want you to call me anything-" he cocked his head to the side, unstrapping a handgun from his thigh. He loaded it as you barely managed to crawl away, "You can take the pain. I respect that. Let's see how well you do with these lead bullets"

You saw them in slow motion, barely managing to duck your head behind the remains of what once was a heavy wooden bookshelf. The bullets missed your chest and face, but you saw them, felt them penetrate your skin, ripping through your muscles. 

The sound of your tissues being pulled to shreds made you feel sick to your stomach. As the bullets left your body, your wounds closed back up, leaving you a crying mess on the floor. Your throat constricted due to the wave of shock that hit your body, and your lungs started hyperventilating. Lightheaded and gasping for air, you struggled to crawl away from him, tears marching down your face and ending up on the floor, nothing but diluting the droplets of blood that had fallen from your body mere minutes before. Your heart was in overdrive and your vision blurred as every fiber of your being threatened to let you down. "Please-" you screamed, your voice breaking as you raised your hand for him, "Let's talk, please. That's all I want. Give me a minute"

But he didn't. He didn't even consider it. Instead, the force that controlled the body of the only man that ever managed to make you feel safe, tortured, destroyed and consumed your body for what felt like the better part of an eternity.

You had been thrown through walls, shattered windows, had glass shards lodged into your body from all angles. He unloaded cannon after cannon on you, used up all the ammo he had on him, only growing more and more annoyed when you refused to give up.

There was no way to know how much time had passed. Now you were standing by the window, inches away from the spot where two nights ago, you and Bucky clicked your glasses, smiling at how far you both had come. He laughed, saying he wouldn't have made it without you. And then he kissed you, confessing that the thought that maybe you couldn't have made it without him either, was what kept him going. 

And then there you were. 48 hours later, again, just the two of you. But now there weren't any champagne glasses between you, just his metal arm, wrapped around your neck, this time, as he said, for the last time.

"I don't get it-" he scowled, teeth gritted and frustration in his voice, "Why don't you fight me?"

"I can't fight you" you whimpered as your tears poured down against his cold hand, "And even if I could, I wouldn't."

"WHY?" Bucky screamed, and for a second, you thought you saw a crack there, a glister of emotion hidden deep in his otherwise beautiful eyes.

"Because I love you" you cried.

But there was none. He rolled his eyes and pushed you back, your body slamming into the window. You should've thought faster, been more witty and considerate, but terror washed over you and in the heat of the moment, you grabbed onto him for dear life, pulling him down with you, plummeting to the ground from what looked like the 70th floor of the Stark Tower. 

If until now you had been afraid of what you'd have to endure, it was now that you met true terror. You'd survive the fall, but he wouldn't. 

Even in the air, approaching the ground at a dangerous speed, he kept fighting you. Even in this state, you admired his determination - he had a job and wanted to get it done - even if that job was killing you. A man of his word.

By now, the pain was unnoticeable. If you wanted to keep him alive you had to act fast. Clinging to his body despite his vicious protests and ruthless blows, you used your momentum to turn the two of you around. And you did so at the last second, as before you knew it, your bodies crashed into the boulevard below, sinking down into the asphalt as it crumpled under your weight. 

The impact cut your breath away and there was a gnawing feeling all over your body, as if you had blades under your skin, pulling your body apart fiber by fiber. But you snapped out of it.

"Bucky!" you yelled, slapping his cheek.

He had fallen completely on top of you, his head pressed against your chest. He didn't move and the continuous buzz in your ears made it physically impossible for you to tell whether he was breathing for not.

"Bucky, please-" you cried, trying to move him so you could see his face. 

Nothing.

"No, no, no!!" you screamed, "You can't die, baby, please! Not like this, love. Please come back to me, Buck, I'm begging you!!"

You remained there and wailed, with him glued to your chest. Your arms had wrapped around his motionless frame, keeping him as close as you could. Nothing could have gotten you to stop. Tens of people gathered around the crater your fall created around your bodies, police showed up, cameras were pointed at your faces, but you didn't care. If he died, so would you. 

"You're all I have, baby-" you muttered, voice hoarse and dry from all the wailing and crying, "Please, you can't leave me. This can't be the end of us. Please, I don't know what to do, Bucky, please!"

You were soaked. In blood, and you didn't even know whether it was his or yours. God, how you hoped it all belonged to you, how the pool of blood you laid in was all yours. Tears soaked your face, pouring down your temples as your whole frame shook with your sobs, that was the true agony. You'd rather spend the rest of your days fighting for your life if it meant he got to see the sun again. You wished he'd hate you, rather than not feel anything at all ever again.

"Please-" you said again but this time your voice didn't even reach your own ears, you didn't hold that power anymore, "Please, you need to come back! You deserve so much better than this. You're the best man I have even known, you can't die like this, not today, Bucky. Not today!"

By now, the people around you had scattered. They knew your identities and for all the wrong reasons, feared you both. You were grateful for that now, you were alone with him again, as the sun began to set and a chilly New York night began to settle. 

Still, you didn't move. You still had faith. Or you were just stubborn. There was no way you'd pull away until someone either pried him off of you against your will, or someone that you trusted showed up promising they'd help.

None of them came, and you remained there, cradling his frame to your chest begging whatever God was listening, to bring him back. You didn't know if one of them heard you, or if it was just blind luck or fate, but you only realised his metal arm was lodged under your body when he moved it.

"Buck!" you cried, cupping his cheeks in your bloodied palms as literal life cursed through your veins. "Oh god, you're ok, you're alive!! You came back to me!"

You managed to hug him close one more time, before he pushed himself off of you. In the process of standing up, his eyes met yours for the briefest second. Again, nothing.

He gathered himself to his feet, wordlessly bending down to grab your hair. He forced you up and you instantly obliged, following him back into the building.

Once inside, he knocked you through a glass door, your body once again absorbing his fury. The pain had dissipated into a dull ache, and this time, you stood up faster. "I can do this all day" you sighed, the lie slipping past your lips with such ease, as if the energy inside your core wasn't running dangerously low.

"What did you just say?" he questioned.

He seemed taken aback, "I said that I can do this all day"

"Who are you?" Bucky yelled, marching towards you, determined to get answers out of you through nothing else but brute force. He slammed you back onto the floor, only to straddle your thighs and pick you up by the collar of your shit. "Why won't you just fucking die!?"

Circling your fingers around his wrists, you searched for his eyes, "Wanna know what keeps me alive?"

"Are you stupid enough to tell me?"

"I might be" you shook your head, "but I'll still tell you"

"Why?"

"Because I know you won't kill me" you cried, "I know you know me. I know you're in there somewhere. The man I love. I know you don't have it in you to kill me"

"Try me" he laughed, drunk with the power you were so willing to give him.

"These-" you panted, raising your arms in the air to show him your cuffs, "These are what's been keeping me alive but I know you won't-"

But you never finished the sentence. He didn't even think twice before ripping them off your arms and throwing them onto the floor, along with all the other mess you two had made.

You never thought he'd actually spare you. So it wasn't a surprise when the first thing he did after freeing you, was reach for his knife with the sole purpose of driving it through your chest.

But you were faster. You framed his face into your palms, releasing the energy from your body and allowing it to flow through his. It felt weird, wrong and chaotic, and the power surge wiggled itself out of your control, until a blast between your bodies sent you both flying back across the room, falling down onto the floor.

And this time none of you stood up.

-

"I leave them alone for what, a day?" Tony sighed, walking out of his Iron Man suit. 

"Holy shit!" Steve cried out, his knees betraying him as he tried to rush to you.

"No, wait!" Nat stopped him, "You can't wake them up until we get them somewhere safe. We need to make new cuffs for Y/n, and find a way to keep Bucky contained in case, you know… he's still not Bucky"

Steve was fuming with anger, nostrils flaring, "These are my friends you're talking about!" he exclaimed, pointing to your bodies on the floor, "Your friends too, Nat. You see them like this and the first thing you think about is restraining them!?"

"We need to make sure we're all safe" she sighed with sympathy, grabbing his hand for a comforting rub.

"You make sure you're safe-" Steve scoffed, "I'll make sure they're alive"

"Hey-" Nat stopped him, "If you touch her and startle her in any way, you die!"

Her words hurt him but he knew you never would. Steve felt his heart shutter just imaging what you must have gone through. He was ablaze with pure determination to prove Nat wrong, and to do right by you and Buck. "I carried her in my arms while she was passed out when we rescued her from that facility-" he fummed, pointing at you, "She never knew a man that didn't try to hurt her before. And when she woke up, she was afraid. Scared for her life. She cried in my arms and begged me to not let them take her again! She was never anywhere close to hurting me! She's good. So good. There's only good inside of her, I trust her to not hurt me more than I trust myself, ok? If I'm wrong, so be it. I die. I don't care. She deserves someone to look after her. If I had to chose, saving her would be the way I'd want to go"

His rant left Nat speechless. She just gave him a simple nod and stepped back. 

Carefully, he picked you up and carried you upstairs, as Tony put his suit back on and carried Bucky.

-

Never in your life had you woken up this fast. Your eyes snapped open and you sprung to your feet. 3 pairs of anxious eyes watched you, all of them ready to jump into action in case the situation called for an intervention.

"What-" you gawked, scanning the room, "Where is Bucky? Is he- is-"

"He's fine, Y/n" Steve assured you. He stood up and slowly approached you, arms outstretched. Your first instinct was to go for it, but when you reached him, you placed both your hands in his, and looked up at him with teary eyes.

"Are you sure?" you whimpered, "Can I see him?"

Sympathy took over his features, but Tony jumped in, "Absolutely not"

"What-" you turned to him, "Why? Did I-?"

"You didn't do anything wrong" Steve hummed, engulfing you in a hug even though you remained stiff in your spot. He rubbed your back, eager to soothe your worried mind, but you were too out of it.

“Can I just go?” you whispered, pulling back just enough so that he could see how serious you were, “I need to see him, please”

“Are you mad at him?” Nat asked with caution and your face fell.

“No!” you gasped, stepping away from Steve’s embrace, “No, not even one bit. I know that was not him, I know it’s not his fault. But when Bucky wakes up-”

“If he wakes up-” Tony sneered, roaming around the room. He nursed a glass of whiskey, as a mixture of disgust and exhaustion was readable on his features. 

“When he wakes up!” you spoke through gritted teeth. Determination coated your words and the hairs on your body stood as you refused to even think of the alternative. “He will wake up. And I have to be there”

“What if the Winter Soldier wakes up?” Nat asked.

“That didn’t stop me last time”

“Oh, no!” Tony butted in, stepping in between you and Nat, arms outstretched, “You know I’m not one to cry after money, but you and your pal left me with $37 million worth of damage. You two are one broken cup away from getting thrown into the streets”

The sum he mentioned made the skin on your back crawl. You didn’t even have $37 dollars to your name, but it made sense. Your body alone crashed through three TV’s, one gamma ray projector and if you thought about it, you remembered Bucky pulling apart one of the Iron Legion robots, and only the thought made you flinch. 

“So-” Tony said, “You two? Never in the same room again!”

“Take these off then” you suggested, pointing at the cuff on your wrists.

“Ha” Tony exclaimed, “A big chunk of that money comes from you frying all my electronics up until the 12th floor. Absolutely not”

“Tony, I’m serious” you whined, “He will hate himself. I need to be there! I need to make sure he doesn’t take all the blame on his shoulders”

He frowned, and sighed. He wasn’t an unreasonable man, and you hoped that core deep inside his chest really made up for a heart. And… it did. None of them were happy about it, but they finally accepted. Nat and Tony would have never probably given up if it wasn’t for Steve - right now, like so many times before, he really did seem like your guardian angel.

They ended up monitoring the room, and Tony waited for your signal, one hand on his cigarette, the other on the Iron Man suit. He was all talk - if anything was to go down and you would actually be in danger again, he wouldn’t even think twice before tearing his towers into pieces if it meant he could get you out alive.

And so you left, thanked them in the form of a simple nod, and headed down the dark hallways.

Oh, how you hated this.

What consumed you now had nothing to do with the pain you had endured in the past 24 hours. Its source was not physical, yet your whole body ached. You felt the weight of the world on your shoulders - and in some way, it was - Bucky was your whole world, and the fear of losing him breathed down your neck.

It had been about 20 minutes since you stopped in front of the door that led to the room he'd been confined in. When FRIDAY announced that Bucky woke up, you rushed over, only for a hazardous sense of anguish to stop you dead in your tracks. Judging by the way he sat in the corner of the room, his fingers aimlessly tracing every indentation in the handcuffs Tony had restrained him with, you had no problem telling which one of him woke up. He broke your heart. His room was equipped with 5 different cameras and 2 microphones. Completely unaware of them, he sat inches away from one, and your heart shattered, sinking 3 stories below when you heard him whimper.

It was soft and quiet. His whole frame shook as he wiped his nose with the back of his sleeve. He was hunched down, brown hair covering his perfect face, but still, his sadness brought you to tears. 

You heard him again. He sniffled as he laid back against the wall. His eyes were bloodshot, lips almost white and dry as his chest raced up and down. His muscles clenched and his feet bounced against the metal floor, it was a sight you never wished you see ever again. 

Softly, you raised a hand, and thought twice before finally knocking.

"Go away," Bucky called, voice all hoarse and dry as it broke halfway through.

You were able to see him on the small screen next to the door, but he had no idea who came to visit.

Out of instinct, you knocked again before typing in the password and ever so slowly walking inside.

Instantly, he looked up. He was surrounded by an air of darkness and despair, ever so obviously tormented to the peak of his capability.

He stared at you for a few seconds as his eyes watered, and then he gathered his lips into a straight line, shaking his head. "Please, go"

"Bucky, I-"

"Please" he cried, head falling forward as he toyed with the metal edges of his prosthetic arm. He shook his head, "Please, don't do this. Just, go"

You took a deep breath, only then entering the room far enough to actually be able to close the door behind you. Slowly turning back to him, your palms sweated as you had no idea what to say to him. 

"Can you talk to me, Buck? Please?"

He chuckled, "About what?" 

"About whatever it is you think you did wrong, I-"

As he heard your words, his hands instantly flew up to cover his face. He was, however, stopped, as the cuffs on his left wrist kept him from moving too much. While a new row of tears flooded his cheeks, his eyes met yours, "Look at me.. I need to be restrained while you're alone with me"

"Those cuffs would literally do nothing to stop you from escaping, and you know it"

"Maybe it's just a sense of reassurance"

"To who?" you scoffed.

"To them" Bucky responded, nodding his head towards one of the cameras. "I'm a monster" he added, wiggling his cuff restrained hand, "I'm a danger to everyone"

"Oh for fucks sake" you rolled your eyes, marching up to him. With absolutely no remorse, you grabbed his hand and harshly pulled apart the metal that had him restrained to the bed. Before he got a chance to say anything, you bent down, unclipped the microphone from the foot of the bed, threw it on the floor, and stepped on it, until it was nothing but a small pile of shattered plastic.

And you kept going, destroying the second microphone along with the 5 cameras on the walls as Bucky watched you with surprise. You finished by going for the door and locking it from the inside. "You think I'm afraid of you?" you asked softly, "For 6 hours you did your best to kill me and failed miserably. Look at me, I'm unscathed"

"Did you hear yourself?" he cringed, shaking his head, "I tried to kill you"

"Ok, I know I said that you did your best-" you said, mentally scolding yourself for the error in communication. "We both know that wasn't you. That wasn't you, Buck. It was Hydra. It was the winter soldier, not you. My Bucky would never-"

"Y/n-" he stopped you, "I know you don't see things the way I do-"

"But I see them the right way"

"Listen-" Bucky sighed, driving his hands through his hair. For the first time that night you actually saw his full face, his cheek and signature scowl, his blue eyes and the tilt of the corner of his mouth - your soul melted when you associated the picture with the words that came out of his mouth. "I can't blame you for being here. I can't. If the roles were reversed, I'd be doing the exact same thing. But, holy fuck-" he sighed, pausing to gather his thoughts. Bucky looked you up and down. His lips quivered and his head fell to the side as a sad smile appeared on his lips. "Remember this morning? How we talked about our hypothetical child?" he laughed and shook his head, "Even if I know we could never have a kid because we're both sterile, it was still the most beautiful thought that ever crossed my mind, Y/n''

"Mine too, Buck-"

"And what did I do?" he dismissed your empathy, "Two hours later I was unloading an AK-47 into your stomach, like the brainwashed maniac that I am!"

"Don’t say that!" you exclaimed, "Don't you dare think about things like this!"

"Why wouldn't I?" he threw his hands up in the air, "What does it matter whose fault it is? I get to live with the consequences."

"But-" you breathed out, "We can work through this. You did it before. You can't let something that hydra did dictate your life, Bucky. You deserve so much better. You deserve to be happy!"

"I tried to kill you!" he screamed, for the first time losing his calm and standing up to be at the same level as you.

"That was not you!"

"So what?" he huffed, "I was there, Y/n! I will never, NEVER get the feeling of crushing your bones out of my head! I felt your neck snap! I choked you with my arms! That is not something I can live with! I can't live a life by your side if every time I look at you I'm reminded of those horrible things I did to you!"

"Buck-" you cried, looking at him from behind too many layers of unshed tears, "Please, don't say that"

"I'm sorry" he responded in the same fashion, his pain coating every word he said. "When I close my eyes I see you laying in a puddle of blood. I can't stop hearing your screams of agony. Agony that no matter how you put it, was caused by my hands. That's not something we can live with, Y/n. You were not made for this. You really do fucking deserve someone that won't wake up one day and try to murder you in cold blood"

"And what do you deserve, Buck?" you quietly asked, searching for his eyes, "To live your life alone? Forever? If you had been with anyone else, this would have turned out so much worse. That cute barista three blocks down that always scribbles a heart on your coffee cup? She's cute, yeah. You deserve to be loved by someone, but if that someone was her, you wouldn't be drowning in guilt right now, Bucky, you'd be mourning her. Yes, you got troubles. Yes, you've got a past more fucked up than anyone else I have ever heard about. That's the kind of shit you can't change. But whatever you do from now on, is in your fucking hands and yours alone. Don't try to tell me you're not worthy of having someone, because that's the fattest load of crap I've ever heard. You're a good man! With a fucked up past! And a dark side that you need to fight! And you have me! I don't care you dropped Tony's piano on my legs, apparently I can take it! I'm here for you no matter what! You don't want to be with me anymore? Fine. But don't you dare push me away, thinking that a ruined future makes up for a ruined past"

"Who's to say I won't try it again?" he asked, "I don't know what triggered the transition. But what if once a week I end up trying to kill you-"

"Apparently you can't!" you laughed bitterly.

"Ok, so I can't" he nodded in approval, "Is that what you want? I should be your rock, your best friend, I should always be there for you. Do you want to have your whole world turned upside down whenever my brain decides to go berserk?"

"See, Buck" you sighed, "Of course I don't want that. I can't fucking stand here and tell you that I do. What kind of credibility would I have then? But you know what I want? You. You and whatever nazi shit that comes along. I want you. To help you. To have you with me. To see you everyday. If every Saturday at 10am you decide you want to kill me, you best believe I'm sacrificing my morning coffee just so we can kung fu around the living room"

He looked at you for a long second, the corners of his lips fighting a hard battle against the hint of a smile that started to show on his features. Eventually he caved and chuckled, shaking his head, "That was a bit funny"

"And fucking true," you cried, going for his hands and bringing them up to your chest. He winced, but you spoke up again, determined to not let his mind torture him.

"I love you, Bucky"

"How do you not hate me?" he choked, shaking his head in disbelief. "Can you seriously look at me and not get even the slightest instinct to run away?"

"Bucky..." you breathed out, cupping his cheek. "How could I run away when I've never seen you in more pain than right now?"

"You're an angel, you know that?" 

"I've been called a lot of things" you giggled, "Angel isn't one of them, but if that's what you want, I'll take it"

"Come here" he whispered, wrapping his arms around your frame. He had you nuzzle against his chest, his hold keeping you tight and secure. His heart beat against your cheek and your eyes watered again. There wasn't one thing in the world you wouldn't do for that heart - to make sure it keeps beating, and that it keeps the man you love alive. And content, above all. All you wanted right now was for him to accept the things that happened. You wanted to take whatever weight he was carrying on his shoulders, and put it upon yourself. "I love you so much, Bucky" you cried against his chest as your hold tightened around him, "I hate to see you torn like this. I don't want anything to ever happen to you. It terrifies me. I love you with all that I am. There's nothing I wouldn't do for you. You deserve the world, baby"

"So do you" he whispered, kissing the top of your head.

You felt his chest shake, a deep rumble echoed from the depths of his lungs. You looked up to see him fight back a sob, his eyes wide open, glossy and red, trained down on you, "I love you too much to do this, Y/n. I'm sorry, I don't think I can"

"No!" you gasped, pressing your face back against his shoulder, "Don't do that. You can't do that. No"

"We won't work, Y/n" Bucky said as he brought you even closer, "I can't look at you anymore. I can't look at you without dying inside. You don't want to live with me like that"

"Yes, I do!" you sobbed. "I'll work with anything you give me, I swear there is nothing more I want. Just you. Just you and me. Bucky, please don't do this"

He held you close for what felt like half a second, but rationally speaking, your legs were getting numb. You just stood there, clinging to his body, taking in his scent and listening to his breathing even out until he pushed you away. Oh, how you didn't want to let go. Ever. But you did, and choked back a sob as soon as you felt the cold air of the room brush against the part of your body that had been pressed to his.

"We should get some sleep, Y/n"

"Are you coming with me?" you whimpered, afraid of the answer he might give you.

Bucky shook his head, "I think I'll just sleep here tonight"

That broke you. The shock and terror cut your breath away. It felt impossible - the feeling of losing him. The amount of pain that surged through you. At that particular moment, you felt like cracking your chest open to grip your heart into your hand and pick apart the broken parts. But not even that felt good enough, you were fairly sure you'd be left with nothing. It felt like a slap across your cheek, like a cloth had been placed over your mouth and your legs cut at the knees. It felt like the end. 

Optimistic by nature, not even you could deny the reason he wanted to sleep alone. It was clear as day.

"If-" you mumbled, tears coating your face at their own free will, voice shaking as you barely managed to articulate the words over the violent sobs that ripped their way out of your throat. "If I promise to not do anything to try and convince you to stay… can you promise me that in case you decide to leave, you'll come and tell me first?"

"Oh, doll" Bucky broke down all over again, throwing himself at you again. He collapsed on top of you, molding his body around yours. "I promise, angel"

You just nodded. That was all you could do. It took another few moments for you to gather yourself and stop wailing, but you did, and then, with nothing else other than a sad smile, you left. 

Your feet carried you to your room, and you were ready to collapse on top of your bed. Eager to cuddle into his pillows. They smelled like that shower gel you got him and you hated it. You wanted his scent. Not even caring how ridiculous it sounded, you padded over to the chair in the corner of your bedroom, the one Bucky uses to discard all his worn clothes. 

You wanted to find a shirt he wore, one that smelled exactly like you knew him, but before you reached the clothes pile, your attention was drawn to the window.

Steve was standing there, facing the busy streets outside, hands in his pocket and his head turned in your direction.

"I didn't see you, sorry" you gasped, as your eyes accommodated to the darkness.

"It's fine" he shook his head, "I just figured you'd turn on the lights, you know, like the normal people. Didn't think I'd scare you"

"Yeah, sorry" you sighed, plopping down on the edge of the bed. "I did even think about turning the lights on"

He didn't say anything, but you saw him nod. He knew your pain. He lost enough in his life, and seeing his best friend sink back into his darkness was surely not easy for him either.

"Is he ok?" Steve eventually asked.

You shook your head, "He's too good of a man to be ok"

"That is Bucky" he laughed, and you couldn't help but do the same. The irony.

Steve's curiosity was palpable in the room. Words could not describe the appreciation you had for him for respecting your boundaries and not pushing you in a moment like this. But he deserved to know.

You opened your mouth to explain to him what happened, but as your mind processed everything all over again, you broke down. "I think he's gonna leave-" you cried.

Steve was quick to gather you in his arms, engulfing you in a bear hug, helping you stand on your own two feet. "What do you mean?" he asked, concern tracing his tone.

"I understand him, I do. And I promised I won't try to get him to stay if he doesn't want to. But- but I should've done more, Steve. I should've shown him somehow how much I love him. But I'm afraid he'll leave, and I don't want to live-"

"Hey, hey, hey" Steve hurried to stop you, petting your head softly before urging you to look up at him. "Bucky loves you more than I ever thought possible, ok? There's no question about it. I'm sorry I'm doing this, but I think he'll postpone it anyway"

"What?"

"The man wants to marry you, ok?" Steve smiled, "He asked Tony if he had any work for him so he could raise money. Can you imagine how that went down? He was red like a tomato, but he didn't think twice. James Barnes used the computer to look for rings for you. The Bucky I know? Never would've done this. You brought to life a part of him that no one else has seen before. He loves you. With all that he is. And trust me when I tell you, he won't stand to be away from you. You're his whole world, Y/n. He's my best friend, trust me when I tell you this is something you'll work through. I'll help, we'll all help. You're not gonna lose him, Y/n. He's so beat up about all of this because he loves you this much. He's all yours. If he decides to leave, I need you to be strong because he will be back. I got him back 70 years later. You just need to trust him. Trust his heart, ok?"

"Oh my god" you cried, "I don't know what to say"

"Don’t say anything" he chuckled, "We've been through so much together. All of us. Even if we try, nothing pulls us apart, ok? How many times has Loki died, hm?"

"God, Steve!" you scoffed somewhat amused and pulled back just to hit him, "Did you seriously compare Bucky to Loki!?"

"It got you to smile, didn't it?" he laughed. "But I'm serious. You've both been through so much worse than this. You'll get through this one too. And in case you ever feel like you won't, I'm here, ok?"

"Ok…"

Funny as it all was, it worked. He calmed you down - to some extent. Gave you hope you didn't know existed. If it wasn't for Steve, you probably would have not been able to fall asleep. And even though dreams didn't visit you, and you never relaxed enough to actually get some rest, you just dozed off. All clothed and curled diagonally on the bed, you cuddled Bucky's pillow to your chest as your eyes slowly fell closed.

When you opened them again, it was still dark out. You had no idea what pulled you awake as you struggled to sit up on the bed, but then you heard Bucky's voice again, from the doorway.

"Y/n?"

“Buck?” you gasped, turning around. Only his silhouette was visible, head hung low and hands deep in his pockets. He was leaning against the doorway, silently awaiting your response.

Right then and there, you felt your world collapse. Steve’s monologue made you actually fucking believe things would be fine, but here he was, keeping his promise. In the buttcrack of night, he kept his word, bidding you a much feared farewell.

“Is-” you sobbed, jumping out of bed and rushing towards him. You almost knocked him off of his feet when you flung yourself at him, but he was quick to reciprocate, caging you between his arms. “Is this it? You’re leaving?”

He didn’t say anything which frankly made everything worse. You broke down even further, clinging to his shirt as if it was the only source of oxygen keeping you alive - it sure felt like it.

“Look at me” Bucky urged you, tilting your chin up, “Please?”

You slowly lifted your head, your eyes meeting his.

“I’m sorry, I will make it up to you” he whispered, a frown settling above his tired eyes, “You’ll see”

“What does that even mean?" you questioned, tired and sick of this ongoing conflict that should not even have been an issue to begin with. "You don't have to make up for anything"

"I know you see things like that" he cooed, rubbing his thumb along your cheekbone. He spoke softly, his breath fanning against your skin, somehow, even in this situation, managing to calm you down. "But you can understand me too, right?"

"I don't want to" you shrugged, "I don't care. Why does it matter if I understand you or not if you're gonna leave anyway?"

"I'm not leaving, doll"

"What!?" you beamed, pulling away from his hold and grabbing his face in your palms, "You're not- but you're-"

His whole frame softened, "I'm not here to say goodbye, Y/n. I'm not going anywhere"

"Oh god" you gasped.

"Come on, come here" Bucky chuckled softly, bringing you back into his hold, "I'm staying here. I'm sorry for everything I put you through. You're the most badass woman I know and I managed to break you"

"I love you, Buck" 

"I love you more, Y/n" he sighed, "I'll make everything right, I promise"

"Oh, fuck" you breathed out relieved, "Just do whatever you want, I don't care. You're here. That's all that matters."

"And we also need to teach you to fight-" he added, "For real. And find a way for you to take those goddamn shackles off in case this happens again"

"Tony won't be too happy about it" you laughed.

"Fuck if I care-" Bucky said strenly, pointing at you, "Next time, you need to be able to stop me. And fast"

"Maybe it won't happen again"

"Maybe not" Bucky nodded, "But if it does, we need to be ready"

"Thank you" you said, "I know I didn't play this right. I know I literally dismissed everything that you must have gone through today. I'm sorry"

"You don't get to be sorry" Bucky stopped you, "Not after-"

"Then you don't get to, either!"

"Meh" he shrugged, "We'll see"

"Bucky!"

"I love you" he laughed, bending down to pick you up. He planted his hands on the back of your thighs, picking you up with ease and walking you over to the bed. You plopped back against the fluffy mattress with a huff, and giggled as he crawled his way on top of you. Instantly, his lips met yours. It was exhilarating, the kind that made your chest ache. You moaned against his lips as love transpired through his touch. It was overwhelming and the first happy tears of the day streamed down your temples as you arched yourself against him.

"I'm so weak for you, fuck" Bucky groaned, his right arm reaching around your back and pressing you against his chest. "You're everything" he added as he kissed his way along your neck, "I'm all yours forever, Y/n. I love you too much"

"I'm here, baby" you moaned, hiding your face into his shoulder, "You're mine, Bucky. All mine."

His lips didn't leave your body as he pushed himself up just enough to be able to reach the buckle of his jeans. The sound made your core ache, and your mouth watered.

There was no patience in his movements. He barely pulled his jeans down to his knees before ridding you of your pajama pants. He lodged himself between your thighs, his mouth instantly back on yours again.

"Come on" you panted, steading your arms against his strong back. Your legs found their way around his frame, ready to pull him closer.

When Bucky guided his hands between your bodies to align the tip of his cock with your opening, you whimpered in anticipation. Agonisingly slow, he trailed his tip along your folds before reaching your clit. With a blissful moan, he reached further up, tapping his cock against your bare cunt a couple of times before returning his attention back to you. 

"I got you, baby" he hummed, pecking your lips. "You ready? Is this ok?"

With eagerness, you nodded and wiggled under his weight, your pussy aching for him. "Yes, yes"

When you felt his cock push past your folds, you moaned out loud, your voice cracking with the pure pleasure that took over your being.

He eased himself in, going all the way until he all but knocked the breath out of you, and he stopped. Bucky reached down to kiss you again, his cock motionless, balls deep inside of you.

He bit down on your lip and you giggled.

"Felt your pussy clench around me, doll" he laughed, "You're good to me"

"You may be all mine, Buck, but I'm all yours too"

"Holy shit" he panted, shaking his head in disbelief. It was as if you weren't real. He'd have pinched himself, but if this was a dream, he really did not want to wake up. So he kept going.

Nibbling at the skin of your neck, he started to pull himself out of you. The slow pace was driving you insane. Your need grew so strong you felt everything. His breath, the way his hair tickled your chin, his strong around around your shoulders, his massive thighs rubbing against yours, every small vein along his cock that drove you closer and closer to the sweetest bliss you had ever known. 

He got you all worked up at an agonisingly slow pace, before his thrusts became more and more aggravated. You moaned with each thrust despite your struggles to keep quiet.

"You know how much I love hearing you, doll" Bucky shook his head as he drove himself back inside of you all the way, "Moan for me"

"Fuck, ok" you gasped, and closed your eyes as you started to fall apart. You gripped the bed sheets into your hands and pulled as he kept fucking you, deep and hard.

"You're so good, baby" he groaned, "So, so good for me"

He sunk his teeth into your shoulder, fervently sucking deep, maroon marks all ice your skin. Gutural grounds betrayed his air of self control as a plethora of curse words escaped his lips. "Taking me so fucking well. I can't keep going like this, you're too fucking tight-"

"Cum, baby" you encouraged, voice low and tender as you spoke against his ear, "Cum for me"

"Don’t have to tell me twice" he chuckled.

His thrusts started to become sloppy and irregular, as his eyes flew closed. You missed the blue of his eyes, but his mouth was slightly agape as he panted his way to an orgasm.

His chest heaved against yours, "How do you feel so fucking good?" Bucky cursed, eyes still closed as he barely managed to mumble his words between the numerous grunts of pleasure that forced their way out of his throat.

You gave him no answer, instead just clung to him tighter, "Fuck, Bucky, I'm close-"

"Come on" he encouraged, hurrying to rub your clit. His fingers found your bud in an instant, working experienced, familiar circles that almost drove you over the edge. "Cum with me, ok?"

You nodded, gathering your lips between your teeth. He kept fucking you, harder and faster until he had turn limp under his weight. You came as his name rolled off your lips, and he followed seconds after, pumping his juices deep inside your pussy. 

You felt his absolute pleasure as he breathed heavily against your shoulder. He kept going until you were both spent, and then fell down beside you. 

"Bucky-" you whined, turning over and curling into his side, the lack of contact making you more needy than ever.

"Yes, darling?" he panted, tapping your chin.

"Nothing. I just love you"

"Love you too, doll" he huffed, spinning you around so you laid on your back.

He effortlessly helped you out of your shirt and plopped down on top of you, his head resting on your bare chest. His warm, right hand cupped your breast as he closed his eyes. He wrapped himself around you, "Hold me" he muttered, "please"

"Always, Bucky" you said, engulfing him in the tightest hold you could muster. Only then did you feel him calm down completely, and there was nothing in the world you could ever ask for.

-

If you liked it, please reblog and tell me what you thought? :)

[phoenix-is-the-hottest-thing]

hiya! before i begin, i would like to just mention that this ask is entirely in good faith, so sorry if i say anything upsetting, its not on purpose!

but basically, i wanted to clear a few things up about the proshipping post! since my whole fandom experience i have been mainly in antishipper circles, but im critically pro-kink, pro-sex, etc. im also not against consuming "problematic" things as long as its not blatant glorification or encouraging people to do that stuff. would that technically make me neither an anti nor a proshipper? sorry if this ask comes off as annoying, im genuinely curious!

it makes your moral code aligned with what most "proshippers" think is fine, actually. you don't have to pick a label or anything, but like... yeah that's roughly what people who identify as such think.

as a side note. when I'm told i'm "promoting" or "supporting" bad stuff i usually go to the extreme and ask "there's fics telling you to vote for the incest party in the elections??" because I feel like people are hella conflating political propaganda with kink writing, which is... insane? like, when you look at it this way, it's insane right? who would benefit from that, pornhub? i don't think there's a pornhub conspiracy.

Ahem.

I have genuinely never seen good faith fic or fanart that actually intended to make people want to do anything to real people. The closest I can think of to such a thing is like, BDSM fics that go out their way to explain what the culture is and why it's not evil/mean/etc, which, honestly, is super fair.

imo it's a bit of a given? Unless the writer is EXTREMELY unself-aware, which is a different issue, the appeal of a ""problematic"" work is gonna be that it's... well, stuff you can't actually do irl. Like, that's the whole point. That's WHY it's fun. if the reader chooses to go "omg i wanna try it" that is actually the reader's idea and responsibility! all I can do is wish them a safe, sane and consensual time.

This whole anti thing, it's kinda like those guys telling women to cover up because they're "asking for it". It's the same culture— that the tempted isn't fault for not resisting their own damn impulses, it was the hot stuff ALL ALONG, plotting to make them do evil stuff by existing and being seen.

Newsflash, this is bullshit

And, AGAIN? Proshipper does not even mean person who writes weird shit. It's just people following the old "live and let live" positivity credo. I sure as hell don't want to spend my life fighting for how my personal comfort and views trump other people's boundaries, so I'm not an anti, simple as that. I'd also like them to just let me enjoy what I am okay with. yes this is why i loathe DNIs being everywhere, it's a constant pressure

Oh dear I went on a whole ramble there. anyway

On a more personal level: anon, if you're genuinely happy with your anti circles, it's probably fine, but.

If you EVER feel like you have to hide who you are or what you think from them in order to fit in, run like hell, okay? That's not healthy. You can always find more friends, but you can't rebuild your self-esteem or mental health as easily.

I'm saying this because there's a lot of toxicity in anti circles, tho mostly the more extreme ones, so if you're ever afraid of saying what you're thinking it's not a healthy space.

[frywen-babbles]

Sounds of Silence pt7

A/N: Thank you for patiently waiting for the next chapter! My life has been busy and I felt a bit discouraged to continue this fic. But I have new ideas! More plot! More pinning? More angst? Who knows. I hope you enjoy!

Part1 | Part2 | Part3 | Part4 | Part5 | Part6

***

He was about to ask what she meant when her stomach let out a rumble and she covered it with her hands embarrassed. Suddenly, the pieces clicked.

"You don't have any money for food." It was more a statement than a question so he didn't expect any answer from her. Still, she made a timid nod, her lips pursed firmly together.

"The new job... starts in a few weeks. I had to pay rent..."

"You should have told me."

"I didn't want to-" She was interrupted by the buzz of the phone in her lap.

<where did you two go? the pizza will be here soon>

Hideyoshi had made a group chat with the three of them and Mitsunari typed his reply when she just stared at her phone.

   <At the lobby. We'll be up shortly.>

"Are you sure your friends want me there? I should just go..."

"Don't be stupid. You need to eat."

The elevator doors opened and Hideyoshi came out. He looked around before he spotted them and came over crouching in front of her.

<i was really worried when you disappeared like that>

He dug out a tissue from his pocket and handed it to her. Mitsunari felt like kicking himself. How was Hideyoshi always so smooth at comforting people while he stumbled and failed.

She accepted the tissue and wiped her eyes dry before she gave Hideyoshi a small smile which he returned.

<mitsunari should fix your makeup>

She looked at her phone and quickly dug a small handmirror from her handbag. She took a quick glance at her face before she turned at him.

"I look horrible, why didn't you say anything? How will I fix this..." she let out a sigh and looked at the mirror again. He reached to tap her hand to get her attention.

"I can fix it."

"Really?"

"What do you have with you?"

She handed him a small makeup pouch and he dug around to see what she got. Then he reached into his own bag to get some makeup removal wipes he was thankful he had for once forgotten there and wiped all of the smudged makeup away from her cheeks and under her eyes. In a few minutes he had fixed her makeup and when she looked into the mirror again she blinked in surprise. Then she looked at him and pulled him into a tight hug.

"Thank you..." she whispered into his ear, quiet enough he wasn't sure he heard her. His heart fluttered and he wrapped his arms around her and stroked her hair gently.

"Okay lovebirds, the pizza is here, we should go if we want our share." Hideyoshi brought him back to himself and he let go of her to look at him. He heard her stomach growl again and saw the slight pink blush of embarrassment rise in her cheeks. He got up to follow Hideyoshi and gave her his hand.

When her fingers entwined with his, he was sure there was a blush on his cheeks too, but he didn't mind.

Her hand felt so right in his.

She practically devoured her pizza leaving Mitsunari to wonder when she had had her previous meal. He went to get more snacks when Ieyasu confronted him again.

"I see you brought your little piggy back. How rude to our host to bring someone like... that in here, don't you think? Or maybe you like your women desperate because that's the only type you'll ever get?"

How dare he insult her like that. How. Dare. He?! Mitsunari felt his hands curl into fists and was just about to insult him right back when someone stepped between them.  

"I have a sign even an idiot like you can understand." she hissed at Ieyasu and made a very rude gesture right in his face. Ieyasu didn’t reply anything. He looked like he had eaten something sour, the contempt in his glare evident, but she wasn’t backing down.

Mitsunari stared at her in stunned silence. He had never seen her get angry at anything, even when she had been justified in doing so. But now, she was glaring at Ieyasu, her eyes blazing.

It. Was. Awesome.

She was fierce, her head held up high when she stared Ieyasu down and he loved every second of it. His heart made a thump and he felt like he could look at her forever, the fierce glare in her eyes so enticing he was awestruck.

He didn't, however, miss the tremble of her hands, a sure sign of how nervous she was. He reached to touch her palm gently before he offered her hand a reassuring squeeze, which made her stand even taller.

He heard quiet snicker behind him and Hideyoshi came to his side, pulling them apart from Ieyasu, trying to hold off his laugh at the same time.

"Now, now, we're all friends in here, right, Ieyasu?"

He saw Ieyasu glance at Nobunaga, a feign smile rising on his lips.

"Of course we are." There was nothing genuine in his words and when he passed them Mitsunari could hear him whisper, "Bitch."

He had never in his life wanted to punch someone as much as he did now. She nudged his arm and he turned his attention to her.

"A wrinkle." She poked a finger between his brows.

"I'm not angry at you..." he took a deep breath and let out a sigh to calm down. He wanted nothing less than to make her scared of him. "I'm angry at that filthy tanuki..."

She snorted and covered her mouth, her shoulders shaking in silent laughter.

"And you told me I invent stupid nicknames!"

She hadn't played Wii before but quickly got the hang of it after a few rounds. He loved seeing her so focused and excited, genuinely enjoying herself.

She bounced to hug Hideyoshi who sat next to her and shook him, a huge smile on her lips.

"Look, look, I wasn't last!" She pointed at the screen and turned to look at him, "Manju-boy, did you see?! Look! I wasn't last!"

He was genuinely happy seeing her enjoy herself. But at the same time, her hands around Hideyoshi shot a pang of jealousy through his heart he couldn't reason himself out of.

When they were leaving, Nobunaga pushed a bag full of food into Hideyoshi's hands.

"Take this away, it's such a hassle to get rid of the leftovers."

"Of course!" Hideyoshi took the bag with a broad smile. Nobunaga pushed a similar bag to her hands and she looked inside surprised and turned towards him for help.

"Just accept it. He never takes no for an answer."

She looked helplessly at the bag in her hands and at him but finally bowed at Nobunaga, who looked away, an annoyed frown on his face.

"Just go already, why do I have to throw you out every single time?"

***

"You need to see this, Mitsunari." Hideyoshi grabbed his arm as soon as he came home from the library. He barely managed to kick his shoes off of his feet as Hideyoshi dragged him in his room and showed his laptop screen.

There was a picture of her and below it a long text on how a man had a silly fight with his wife and wanted her to come back, but she didn't want to talk to him. How he missed her so much and would do anything to win her over again.

"It's her ex trying to find her," Hideyoshi pointed out the obvious like Mitsunari didn’t have eyes of his own.

"... Yeah..." he murmured back, reaching for the mouse. The update had already thousands of shares. There was no way he wouldn't be able to find her this way.

She had already switched address, switched jobs, distanced herself from her old friends. What more did he want from her?

"There's even a newspaper who ran a story on it, look, they want anyone who knows her to contact them." Hideyoshi pointed at a phone number at the end of an online article. Mitsunari dug out his phone and typed the phone number in.

It didn't take a long time for a cheerful woman answer from the other end.

"Is this about the article?" she asked.

"Yes."

"Oh, do you have a tip on how we could reach her?"

"Leave her alone."

"But it's so romantic! He made a small mistake but is ready to make anything to get back together with his wife. Such a dedicated husband, ooh..." she sighed dreamily. Mitsunari couldn't resist huffing irritated.

"She has a reason she doesn't want to be found. It would be best if you stopped looking for her."

"Don't be silly! Of course, she'll want to see husband after she hears what he has to say! He has been desperately looking for her!"

"Desperate enough to assault and stalk her."

"I will not listen to you slander a well respected public official like that! I will now end this call, good day!"

Public official? He pushed Hideyoshi aside and did a quick search.

'Inspector Satake Yoshishige'

A prodigy of the police force, a neighbourhood hero, well-respected member of the community. All he could find were articles promoting how nice, well-mannered and selfless he was. There were even a couple pictures of her with him from charity events.

This certainly explained... a lot of things. Like why she refused to go to the police. And why she was so terrified of him finding her. As a police officer, it wouldn't be hard for him to search for her address or phone number.

"Yeah, that'll make things more difficult for sure..." Hideyoshi muttered next to him.

***

It took only a day before he received a distressed message from her.

<ppl r staring n fllwng> <sum1 fllwd me 2 wrk> <wht do I do>    <Where are you? I’ll come and get you.> <no> <srry> <i dnt wnt 2 trbl u> <im fine>    <Just tell me.> <wrk> <b off in 2hrs> <ppl r starng n hre 2> <gt mvd 2 bck rm>

He let out a sigh. Why did she always have to be so difficult. Every single time he had to dig out what was really wrong with her, why couldn’t she just tell him what was wrong in the first place.

“Is everything okay?” Oichi’s friend leant in to whisper to him.

“Yes.”

“You can talk to me if you need, okay?”

“Why would I ever need to do that? I have other people I can talk to instead of nosy busybodies.”

“No need to be rude, Mitsun. Just let me know if I can do something to help, okay?”

He let out an irritated huff and ignored her for the rest of the lecture. She really should mind her own business, especially after falling behind in her studies as much as she had. He didn’t judge her for that though. He knew she was ill. And he knew illnesses like that take a huge toll on you and all the people around you.

As soon as the lecture was over he packed all of his stuff and headed to the grocery store she worked at. He drank canned coffee and read a book until she poked his arm.

"What are you reading?"

"A book on ancient warfare."

"That seems like a nice light reading." The sarcasm was obvious in her words but he decided to ignore it. He stuffed his book to his bag and stood up, walking out of the door.

He saw the looks she got, the people reaching for their phones and he grasped her hand in his, holding tight as he pulled her along the streets and into a bus. He didn't let go until they reached his apartment and the door was firmly closed after them.

She let out a sigh sinking to the couch exhaustion clearly written on her face.

"Thank you." She offered him a tired smile before she reached for the teacup he had placed in front of her on the table.

His eyes were drawn on her lips as she blew on her tea to cool it and took a tentative sip to test out how hot it was. How could something so simple look so beautiful? He was only brought back to the present when she put her cup down and turned towards him.

"You know something about why people kept staring at me, don't you?" she asked. Somehow she managed not to look accusing even though he was sure the accusation was there somewhere. Instead of telling her, he took his phone and showed her the article.

Her eyes scanned the words from the small screen, the frown between her brows deepening every second. When she handed him his phone back she almost dropped it. He saw the tremble of her hands despite her face maintaining it's somewhat neutral expression.

"I have to go back."

"Back where?" he asked puzzled by her declaration.

"I have to go back..." she repeated herself and got up. He reached for her arm, determined to get an answer from her, but she yanked herself away from him. "I have to go back to him!"

***

@han-pan @you-mass-effect-my-dragon-age @masamunesmistress @honeybeelily @dreamfar628

[hollands-poppet]

ALL WE  HAVE IS NOW PT 8 (LAST PART)// TOM HOLLAND X READER

Summary: Y/N is living the Hollywood dream but is conflicted with her feelings when her old flame comes back around..

Word count: 5.4K 💛

A/N: Writing this part took soooooo long but I want to thank everyone that took the survey but I want to thank @superheros-and-others for leaving a lengthy suggestion on the survey I posted. And I especially want to thank @ladybirduris​ for pushing my ass to get this part out! I LOVE YOU. AND SHE GAVE ME MY NEXT IDEA FOR MY NEXT FIC WHICH IM SUPER EXCITED ABOUT. Now, this was more angsty than I intended but I hope you all enjoy the last part. ALSO, there will be an epilogue so don’t be too upset with me. 

PART1 PART2 PART3 PART4 PART5 PART6 PART7 

warnings: cussing, angst, ending idk haha don’t hate me 

-

The ride back to Tom’s flat was a quiet one, Nikki was actually comforting Y/N because she thought she was upset that she wasn’t pregnant. The redhead kept putting her hand on your shoulder and lightly rubbing it, “Don’t be so hard on yourself, this is more common than you think.” She pulls up at a Starbucks drive thru before arriving to Tom’s flat, “Maybe a drink will help you cheer up?” Then it becomes silent again, and you become lost in your thoughts.

Now that she wasn’t pregnant, what did this mean? She really did only fly to London because of this, so what does this mean for her and Tom? Y/N didn’t know what sort of reaction to expect from him, she didn’t know what was going to come next but she did know that she was in love with him.

It’s kind of sad, you knew you weren’t ready to be a mom… but the thought of you and Tom becoming a little family was something in the moment that sounded nice. 

You and Tom living in his flat with your kid that you both created, but that all faded once you found out your pregnancy wasn’t real. A knot in your throat was beginning to form when Nikki’s voice interrupted your thoughts, “Y/N? Did you want something?”

You clear your throat so that the knot doesn’t give away that you’re about to cry, “Uhm,” You bring your head forward to look at the menu and screen, “Can I get a venti iced Americano with 3 pumps of vanilla, 3 packs of stevia and coconut milk. Thank you.” 

You sit back in place, and stare down at your hands that lie on your lap and crack your knuckles. “I guess not being pregnant has its perks, you get to have coffee.” You avoid making eye contact with Nikki who is glancing at you with hopeful glare. She rests her hand on yours, and you let out a crooked smile as you let out a deep breathe.

“Nikki-” You hold her hand in yours, “Do you think Tom will still want me?” As she pulls forward to the window, she puts the brake on the car and turns towards you.

 Her hand that was on the wheel makes its way to yours, she purses her lips and lets out a sligh giggle, “He would be a fool to let you go, love.” Y/N cracks a smile for Nikki, she was probably right. If you knew Tom like you thought you did, it should all work out.

Maybe, just maybe this was all fate. It’s sort of like, the stress of being pregnant was quickly replaced by the stress of what was going to happen next.

-

-

Your Americano was a little sweeter than you intended, so you took light sips here and there. You didn’t want to be rude in front of Nikki because she bought the drink so you took sips here and there until you reached Tom’s flat.

You thanked her for everything, and hoped you would see her again soon. Once you reached the inside of Tom’s flat, you realized it was still early in the day when you checked your phone. It hadn’t even reached noon yet.

You closed the apartment door entrance behind you, “Tom?” You called out his name a couple of times, you didn’t know why you were calling for him. It was too early for him to home, he was still out promoting his movie with Z. You drop your purse by the entrance door of his room, and slip your shoes off. 

You run your fingers through your hair, and take another sip from the drink in your hand, and you force yourself to swallow down the sweet coffee. “They really went in with the vanilla this time.” You let out a light gag as you set the drink down on Tom’s night stand.

You knew it was going to be a couple of more hours before Tom got back, so you were going to try to take a nap. You unbutton your jeans and quickly pull off your shirt, and you pull of your denim off right after. Just as you’re about to crawl into Tom’s bed, your eye catches his shirt that lies  across his floor. You take a few steps and reach for it, from the moment you picked it up you could smell his scent.

Y/N slides on black shirt and it’s like she feels almost complete. She wish Tom was here right now, and just figure it all out. Before making her way into his sheets, she grabs her phone from her bag and there are a few notifications. They were all from Manny to be honest.

“I’m sorry for hanging up but I do need that answer.”

“Y/N..Universal is growing impatient.”

“Can you fucking respond god damn it”

“Photos of you dropped last night...I’m living for that dress.”

You slide into the center of the bed, and you let out a giggle as you laugh at your best friends messages. Ah, you indeed did miss her and you wanted to apologize for how you acted on the phone the night before, there is no way you both could stay mad at each other for too long. 

You wanted to respond but being tangled in Tom’s sheets sort of brings Y/N into an emotional state. She sets her phone down next to her as she faces the ceiling and rests her left palm on her forehead, tears suddenly flowing from her eyes.

Tom’s scent coming from the blankets almost triggers you to realize that you weren’t pregnant, and never was. It’s wild, it felt like you almost made up being pregnant so you could be here in this moment but it wasn’t a good feeling. You bring your face into one of the pillows, your arms hugging it and even though you knew that not carrying a child was probably for the best but you knew the reason you were getting so sentimental.

You wanted to stay and you’ve always wanted to stay and be with Tom. It’s always been him, and the night you shared with him last night was more than a reason. You snuggle into the pillow, and slightly remember his touch from the limo, his brown eyes and how his fingers lingered down your legs as he went down on you. You bring the blanket up to your chin, and you knew that even after this let down that he would still want you, and you knew you still wanted him.

Instead of him being out with Zendaya, you wanted him here with you in his bed while his fingers tangled in your hair and your hands wrapped around his waist. As your tears stop flowing out of your eyes, you find yourself slightly dozing off. A nap didn’t sound so bad right now actually, and it would probably help calm her nerves, and as she is about to give into her nap.. Her phone begins to vibrate.

She assumed it was Manny due to the fact that she needed answer as soon as possible but she really be interrupting right now? You open one eye and look at the lock screen and the name was enough to make you pop up. You reposition yourself so that your back is against the frame of the bed, and answer before it goes to voicemail.

“Timothee?” You voice is almost shakey, you couldn’t believe he was on the phone with you right now, and that he called you. His voice almost sounds unrecognizable, it’s been a minute since you have talked to him.

He lets out a short laugh, “Yeah, do you not have my number saved Y/N?”

You bring your legs to your chest, and put him on speaker as you place your phone on the tip of you knees, “No, I do..I just-” She pulls her hair back with her hands, and they come back down to hold her cheeks, “It’s just nice to hear your voice again.”

There is some muffling from the other side of the phone but you can hear him clearly when he responds, “Yeah, it’s been awhile since that whole stupid thing.” You clear your throat, and bring your hands from your face together and crack your knuckles because of your anxiousness.

“I-I seen you on instagram last night..you look,” You smile to yourself, if only he could see. “You look happy Tim.” His response comes fast, “I am, Y/N.” And it doesn’t come off mean but just genuine, “You do, too. You and Tom looked great last night.” 

You take a moment to think how he could of seen you but he probably seen on social media just as you had seen him. Before you could reply to his comment, he chimes in “Anyway, I’m calling to talk about Wicked. Universal is getting a bit angsty.”

Y/N rubs her temples as she feels tension in her shoulders start to rise, “I want to do it, Tim. It’s my dream role.” His tone becomes more serious but in a caring way, “Then fucking do it, you’ve been talking about this movie since I’ve met you.” 

You don’t respond, you just sit there and there is a silence between you two. It’s true, you did want it but the stakes were high right now and Tom was someone you wanted just as bad as that role.

“They’re already predicting Oscar nominations Y/N, you can’t say no.” You bite your bottom lip as Timothee continues to pitch to you why you need to take the role but that wasn’t enough. His voice continues to come from the phone, 

“They’re already thinking of casting Sofia Carson, if you don’t take it… the role goes straight to her.” You sigh, you wanted it to bother you but it didn’t. It wasn’t enough.

“I want it but Tom-” You can’t even finish your sentence before you get interrupted, “But Tom what? Hm?” You don’t respond.

“If Tom really loved you Y/N then he wouldn’t give a fuck about me being Fiyero. I gave you up for him, I didn’t take you to ever give something up over a guy.” 

You scoff, that was a little ugly. He assumed you weren’t taking the role because you didn’t want to cause conflict again but that wasn’t true. Your pause leads him to keep talking, “Besides, there shouldn’t be a problem since I’m dating someone new any-”

“Look Tim,” You were growing frustrated. “That has nothing to do with that, I know Tom would be more secure than that.” Well, you hoped you thought to yourself. “I just have so much on my plate right now.” You didn’t really though, you weren’t pregnant but you wanted to stay with Tom. You wouldn’t mind just staying here with him, that made you just as happy as being able to be in Wicked.

“What is so much that you can’t take a role on? You’re fucking telling me that you don’t want to take up your dream role because you have too much on your plate?” His voice shows signs of irritation, “That’s bullshit, Y/N.” It was true, it was bullshit.

I don’t know what to tell you other than right now it doesn’t look like I’m taking the role.” You click your tongue as you lay back down in the bed. Timothee’s voice was raising as he grew frustrated, “I can’t believe you, Y/N.” You throw the phone next to you, you’re ready to hang up the phone when what Timmy says next catches your attention. “You think I don’t know what you really feel, Y/N..I know you’re scared of getting hurt again..” Your eyes widen a bit. He was right, he was fucking right. Timothée was your shoulder to cry on when your whole mess of a situation with Tom went down. Why did you think you were going to be able to get away with lying to him?

You were just too scared to admit that to him, and even to yourself. Also, Who the fuck did you think you were? You’re not Tom’s mom, and you shouldn’t have to stay with him 24/7 because of an insecurity. Well...an insecurity that ate you up but as far as you knew, you weren’t a legend but you were acting like one. Even though you wanted to stay with Tom, your reputation couldn’t be ruined by this. The only real problem was that you and Tom haven’t been in a long distance relationship since he filmed Spider-Man. You were scared, you were scared of getting your heartbroken again. “I know you’re scared but if it’s meant to be... then it’ll work out like it’s supposed to. Bye Y/N, hope to see you soon.” Then the phone immediately turns black, you’re just sort of dumbfounded. You couldn’t believe Timothée was so understanding about everything, he was able to call you out and put you in your place. Maybe Tom could understand too but first he needed to know the truth. You bring yourself into fetal position, and just cuddle the pillow next to you. You were ready for what was next but first...your nap. - - Y/N feels a slight weight on her through her sleep, it’s not super heavy but just enough to start bringing her out of her nap. She brings her hands to her eyes and rubs them, her vision is a bit blurry but she feels light breathing by her neck and she turns her head to find Tom leaving kisses on her shoulder.

You turn back around, you stretch your arms and legs while he is still wrapped behind you, “You jerk, you woke me up from my nap.” Your voice is raspy, you’re a bit parched from your sleep and you let out a small gasp as your pulled into Tom’s arms. “It’s 8 o’clock darling, how long have you been asleep?” Y/N’s head quickly shoots to look at Tom, “You’re kidding right?” His hand comes up from your waist and he pushes his curls back, “No, I just got home.” She purses her lips, why was he back so late? You sort of shrug it off but it’s still lowkey lingering on your nerve.

You turn your body towards Tom, your hands resting on his chest while his hands lie on your lower back right above your ass. “Why are you home so late?” He chuckles and pops a kiss on your nose, “The real question is why are you drinking coffee? Isn’t that bad for the baby?” Your head pops up a bit and you look past his head, and your drink is gone.

“I already threw it out, it was about to overflow,” he says as your head comes back down on the pillow. Your heart rate begins to speed up, “I don’t even know how to say this.” Your fingers outline random lines and shapes, you’re avoiding eye contact with him and keep your head down and concentrate on his chest. 

One of Tom’s hands leaves the spot on your lower back, and he grabs one of your hands, “Y/N...what’s going on?” Her eyes move from his chest to his eyes, he has a small smile. He looks tired and the foundation he’s wearing is a bit patchy. You would usually tease him about the makeup he wears for press but you couldn’t even laugh about it now, “There is no baby...” His smile disappears as his eyebrows pop up in confusion, “What do you mean- no baby?” She wiggles out of his grip, and sits in a criss cross position while he stays laying on his side as he supports himself with his elbow. Her eyes are flooded with water but not tears have escaped yet, “I went with your mom to get an ultrasound and there is nothing..” his jaw is dropped a bit, his expression turning from confusion to a bit shocked actually. Panic starts to kick in as he hasn’t responded yet, you’re speaking fast, “I promise you I didn’t lie. He said it was a hysterical pregnancy, my body just mimicked the symptoms.” Tears are sliding down your cheeks by now “Tom? Say something please, my anxiety is flying through the roof right now.” He slowly gets up from his side, and sits in front of you, “I’m...I’m not mad, Y/N.” He cracks his knuckles in anxiousness, he clears his throat and grabs your hands, “To be honest, I’m a little scared.” Your hands grab on to his, “Why are you scared?” He looks down as he licks his lips, he presses his lips into a tight line and looks you in the eyes, “I’m scared you’re going to leave me, y/n.”   Your heart immediately drops, you remember the first night you got here. You remember telling Tom you were only here because of this baby and not for him, he takes in a big breathe to avoid letting any tears slip from his eyes. She brings herself to her knees, her hands land on his shoulders and make their way to his neck. “Tom..” she sighs “I know what I said about just coming here because I was pregnant...” her right hands makes its way into the back of his head as her fingers intertwine with his hair, “That was true and I know that sounds fucked up but if I realized anything while being here is that I want to be with you..it’s always been you Tom.” His eyes shoot up fromstaring down, his eyes are almost hopeful and so is the smile that re-appears back on his face. Your hands bring Tom in for a kiss, your lips on each other’s as his hands land on your waist. The kiss was long but you felt happy, you remove your lips from his and spread pepper kisses on his cheek as you transition into a hug. You take him all in, you take in this moment and how you both went through so much to get to this moment. He pulls away, his hands still on your waist  “I’m starved. You want some Thai?” You laugh, “Actually yeah, I haven’t eaten since this morning.” He jumps off the bed, “Mind if I borrow your phone?” You nod as you get up to use the bathroom, you take a few moments to freshen up and prepare to eat.

-

-

Tom ended up inviting Zendaya and Haz who came over about an hour later with the food, you had brought up that you weren’t pregnant. Z wasn’t lowkey about how she felt and made everyone take celebratory shots. After a few shots, you were already tipsy and sitting in Tom’s lap while Haz and Z were comfy eating their pad Thai on the floor.

“We should catch up with Love Island, mate.” Haz takes a sip from his beer as he gets up from the floor to turn on Tom’s tv. Y/N and Zendaya both roll their eyes, “Why can’t we watch something else?” You say as you slip from Tom’s lap onto the coach, your head laying on the arm rest. Haz stops in front of the tv and laughs, “Great idea, let’s watch K.C Undercover.”

Zendaya stops munching on her food, “That’s not cool, we’re not watching my old show.” She takes a sip from her Thai tea and before she could add more commentary, Tom chimes in “We should watch Spider-Man: Homecoming, it’s out in cinemas now.” You roll your eyes, “Are you really trying to go watch your own movie right now?” He takes a drink from his beer, “I mean, yeah.”

You grab your Thai tea from the table and take a sip, “I haven’t even seen Civil War to be honest with you.” His jaw drops as he sets his beer down on his table, he makes his voice sassy as he says “I guess I know what we’re watching now.” Everyone laughs as he leaves the living room to grab the DVD from his bedroom, and you sit up on the couch.

Harrison flicks on the television and the first thing to come up is E! News, and your luck couldn’t be worse. Giuliana Rancic is on the screen covering a new story, “Y/N L/N to sign a 3 movie deal with Universal which includes Wicked. She will be working alongside Timothée Chalamet who she has already worked with last summer. They are both are already in talks for Oscar nominations.” She transitions into a different headline and you sober up so quickly, you’re sort of shocked.

Zendaya quickly congratulates you, “Y/N, that’s amazing.” You still can’t say anything, it was only a matter of time before Tom would find out. Z continues, “How did you get Tom to be okay with you working with Tim?” And before you could speak, you hear your man’s familiar voice “I’m not actually.”

Your heads all shoot at Tom who staring down at your phone,“When were you going to tell me?” He asks, his jaw tightening after his question. Your head shrugs back in confusion, you’re still trying to play this all off but you knew you were caught, “What are you talking about?” You walk to where he is standing, and he flashes you all your phone screen, it’s an article by TMZ. The headline reads, “Y/N SIGNS 3 MOVIE DEAL WITH UNIVERSAL.. STARRING ALONGSIDE TIMOTHÉE CHALAMET.” You grab the phone from his hands and read the rest of the article.

Before you had fallen asleep, you decided to give Manny the okay to begin the process for the Universal deal. This was your career, not Tom’s..you had to do what was best for you. “I was going to tell you-“ He is heated, “When? I’m not even upset about the deal Y/N, you know how I feel about him.” You knew doing this was going to be risky, and you took that chance but you had a reputation to keep up.

Haz claps his hands once, “Well, Z.. maybe we should head out.”  She nods her head in agreement, you knew she was happy for you deep down but she couldn’t interfere, not now. They gather their things quickly, you stand in awkward silence with him until you hear the front door shut behind them. You sigh “Tom, I love you. Not him. I thought you would understand-“ 

“Understand what? Hm, darling? I can’t just let you work with him like nothings wrong.” His arms are crossed, his nostrils are flaring up while his jaw clenches every few seconds. You put your hand into a praying position, “Tom my reputation is on the line, this is my life.”

“I thought you wanted a life with me Y/N-”

“I do! I really do but this is my job.” You take a step toward him while he takes one back, you scoff at how petty he is acting, “Really, Tom? You know I want to be with you.”

He clears his throat, “You have a funny way of showing it..” You’re growing more frustrated, “ Tom, I’ve wanted this role since I first seen the show live. I would never, ever would ask you to drop out of your dream role, that’s like if I asked you not to take play Spider-”

“It’s not the same!” His voice is cracking from being so worked up, he lets out a sarcastic chuckle, “I’m not working with someone I’ve had feelings for before.” You bring your lips in between your teeth, “I don’t like him that way, this is just work. Besides, you still work with Zendaya even after seeing you both in the same bed.” He squints his eyes, your comments throwing jabs for him to become more bitter, “You’re serious? You’re never going to let that go?”

You throw your arms in the air, “Just like you’re not letting this whole Timothee thing go?” Your arms drop back down to your sides, tears begin to slide down your cheeks. Maybe you didn’t know him like you thought.

“I was so insecure after we broke up, I couldn’t date Timothee because I couldn’t trust him. I need you to trust me, Tom. I love you and not him, I want you..” Your hands make their way to his cheeks, you caress them and you bring your nose to his, “ Don’t you trust me?” His hands rest on top of yours, he brings you in and your lips touch and you can’t help but feel like this is almost a goodbye.

He pulls away, and you open your eyes to find his eyes already staring into yours, he speaks first “It’s not you that I don’t trust..I just-”  Your hands move from his face to your chest, he wasn’t going to budge, so you bring up a solution, “Maybe we should just wait..” His eyes widen, and his eyebrows shoot up, he’s taken back by your suggestion.

“I can’t just throw it away. Not..” you take in a deep breathe, “Not even for you.”

You feel your heart breaking, and his heart has been broken since he seen your phone but this timing is so bad. It’s just problem after problem, and you wanted to play this part so badly too but if Tom isn’t willing to let you do it and you’re still struggling to trust him with Zendaya then maybe it’s better to just walk away. There is obvious growing still to do, between the both of you.

“So then what happens to us?” His voice is low, its defeated. He knows he can’t convince you not to do it.

Y/N brings her hand to her mouth, trying to calm herself down. She takes in a shaky breath, “I’m willing to wait for it.. I’m willing to wait for you.” You suck up your sniffles and wipe away any left over tears, “If we’re meant to be Tom, we’ll find our way back to each other in the end.”  

And then it was silent, you wanted more than anything to hug him and let him know that you were his and that he was yours. You weren’t sure if he would wait for you but you knew where your heart was.

Maybe this was goodbye.

-

-

You almost forgot how boring it was to sit in a makeup chair, you had almost been in the chair for 4 hours. It was first day on shooting so it only made sense, it’s new for everyone. Hopefully by the second week of shooting, it would be knocked down to maybe 2 hours.

The studio tried to convince you to dye your hair jet black but you weren’t having it so having to put on a wig added more time to the process. The last thing of the process was to paint your nails green, you actually didn’t look half bad as green in person. As you pop off your earphones, you see Manny coming up with a cup of coffee “Hey sweetie, here is some Starbucks to start the day off right.”

You smile at her through the vanity in front of you, “Thanks, I’ll grab it as soon as my nails are dry.” She puts her hand on your shoulder while she carries her itinerary in the other, “How are you feeling?” You shrug your shoulders, “I don’t know actually.. a lot of things.” Your best friend lets out a crooked smile, “It’s going to be worth it Y/N, I promise.” Before you can respond, she’s being called away by a producer from outside the makeup trailer.

As she walks in, someone else enters. It’s your co-star Emma Stone who is playing your frenemy Glinda. She is in awe of your makeup as she sits in her chair, “Dude, you look so good.” You smile as she sits in her chair with her matcha drink, “how long have you been here?” You blow at your nails, “Uhm, about four hours now.”

Emma’s hair stylist starts pulling her hair back so that she can properly get it into a braid, “Are you okay? You look a bit down.” And you are, you haven’t seen Tom in two months, you’re here and this is all happening so fast that you haven’t had time to process everything thats happened.

“Not really. I’m just feeling a bit down today but I guess that helps my vibe for my scene today.” Emma nods and licks her bottom lip, “Do you mind asking why you’re feeling that way?”

Your makeup artist comes next to to you and starts applying the last touch of your green lipstick, “Just thinking about someone to be quite honest. Stupid shit.” When the artist finishes you stand up and do a light stretch, for the first day of filming you expected to be a little more excited but you weren’t.

Emma clears her throat, “It’s not stupid. I totally get it.” You turn back to look at her and lean against the vanity counter, “Do you really though?” You didn’t say it in a snappy way, just sort of nice to hear someone that relates to you. 

She nods her and purses her lips, “Yeah, its rough to be with someone in this industry.” You start to vent because maybe she could give you someone advice, “My ex..” you take a deep breathe to avoid crying, “He didn’t want me to take the role because of Timothee and.. I took it anyway. I feel so guilty but I wanted this job so bad.”

She intertwines her fingers and rest her hands on her lap, her artist starts applying foundation on her face “Yeah, when I was dating my ex, who you probably remember played Spider-Man..” Ha, how ironic you thought to yourself. You both dated a Spider-Man. She continues, “And when Ryan Gosling and I started doing films every so often, it caused major friction between us and we broke up..”

You cross your arms and continue to listen, Emma looks up at the ceiling while her artist applies concealer, “But at the end of the day, I made a decision for myself so that I could reach my goals..And when I won my Oscar, I remember giving my speech and when I seen him in that crowd…” she takes a pause and her voice cracks a bit, you could tell she felt a bit emotional, “Whether we were together or not, he was still there. If I learned anything, its that if he really loves you, he will always be there whether you both are together, friends or just together in a room.. the love doesn’t go away.”

Y/N stares down at the ground and you remember the last night you seen him that you would both find each other if it was meant to be. She feels a sense of comfort and she’s thankful for Emma giving her a new perspective. 

You put your wig hair behind your ear, “Okay, I’m going to let you finish getting ready before we both start crying and we ruin our makeup.” You hug her from her chair and you look at each other through the vanity, Emma hugs you tighter and says “It’ll be okay, I promise. Do this for you.”

You let go, and she grabs your hands “I think that’s why you got this role, Y/N. You’re so much like your character, you’re so strong and all your intentions are good. Don’t doubt anything you do, trust me this will all be worth it.” You squeeze her shoulder and take in this moment, and before you can respond the AD walks into the trailer and comes up to you, “Set is good to go. Are you ready, Y/N?” You look back at Emma and then at the AD, this was your movie, your moment, and you were doing it for yourself.

You grab your coffee from the vanity counter, take one final look at yourself. You were about to play your dream role, you worked your ass for this moment and it was all going to be worth it. And with that Y/N turned back to the AD waiting at the trailer door and you let out a deep breathe with confidence, “I’m ready.”

All you had was now, and now was the time to do this for you. 

A/N: Wow. I can’t believe it’s over. Yes, there is an epilogue coming but it’s pretty much over guys! I think I always knew Y/N was going to end up by herself, I just wanted her to be independent and know she could do it without a man. Send me your thoughts, predictions for the epilogue! Anything, love ya guys! - Amy 💛

Taglist: @smexylemony@ladybirduris@princesssparklesxo@llamazarecoolaf@minispidey @devillinchi@superleftoveraddiction​@justapotatonow​ @peterxbarnes​ @thoughtfulbonkeggbat​@unicornio-vomita-mierdas​@standingintheclubwateronthecouch​ @omalleysreads​ @musicgirl234​

[blazerina]

All Too Soon - A Christmas Fic (Drake x MC)

Author’s Note: This is Part 1 of a 4 part Christmas story about Drake, MC & Liam - and their never ending love triangle.  This is somewhat a continuation of a story I wrote a while ago titled “You Do Too.” Search for the tag “blazerina babbles” to find it. My links aren’t working and I just wanna post this thing because it is a beast and has taken FOREVER to finish.  I’ll leave it at that.  

Summary: As Charlie settles in to her role as the future queen with the scandal now behind her, she reflects on Christmas Eve about her time with Drake and if she made the right decision to walk away from him.

Rating: PG

Part 1 of 4.

--

“Thank you again for such a lovely evening.  Merry Christmas, King Liam. Lady Charlotte.” An older, silver haired woman, dressed in a shimmering navy blue gown with a white fur coat draped upon her frail frame, gave her goodbyes to the King and soon-to-be queen.

“So glad you enjoyed it, Duchess Montielle.” Liam bowed his head slightly, smiling.  

Charlotte knew that was her cue. This was King Liam. That smile wasn’t the real one; it was the obedient, responsible, anything-for-Cordonia smile. He was tired and she knew it. The past few months had been nothing less than a whirlwind of stress and pressure, ending in hurt, loss and anger. Once the scandal had been put to rest, it wasn’t as easy as any of them had hoped.

This holiday season was meant to be one of rest and peace, but duty called. Tonight was only the beginning of a series of ceremonies, galas, charity balls, presentations, promotions, speeches and the like. Everyone wanted to see the King and this was the perfect time of year for all of Cordonia to be reassured that their leader had put the scandal far behind him and was moving forward towards the bright future of his country.

Charlotte knew going into the night of the coronation that Liam loved her and wanted to propose to her, but having spent more time with him in light of the scandal, watching him fiercely protect her, seeing him go to battle with his own family and so-called “friends” he had known all his life, just for her…well that made her realize even more, how deeply his love ran for her. She found it hard to believe that he could be so devoted to someone he didn’t know all that well, but it was true. He was genuine about it and he’d stop at nothing to make sure she was happy.  No one had ever treated Charlotte that way, or made her feel as special as Liam did.  He was wholly devoted to her and for the life of her, she’d never truly understand why.

He had gone through so much for her. She told herself that because of all he’d done, he deserved to be happy. She would be forever in his debt.  She had grown to see and love him in new and different ways since they became rightfully engaged. He would soon be her husband and she was hopeful that while the outside perception of him and her and their relationship together would always be altered, they each could hold onto the truth of who they were alone, with each other, behind closed doors.  She loved the Liam that no one else knew…but which Charlotte did Liam love? The real one?  Or the one he thought he knew? She would always question which version of herself she showed to him, mostly because she knew there was a part she’d always have to keep hidden.

Charlie swallowed hard, taking a deep breath, forcing herself to be present and focus on her current surroundings. She was going to be a queen soon and it was time for her to start acting like one.

“It was wonderful to have you join us, so very glad you could be here to celebrate the season.” Charlotte followed up; nodding and doing her best to give a warm goodbye to a woman she had never laid eyes on before this moment.

Liam nodded gratefully at her, turning his head to stifle a quick yawn.  

The royal couple stood at the door of an old church in the historic town square of Cordonia’s capital. Only moments before, Christmas Eve services had concluded and the pair was giving their season’s greetings to each member of the court and the city, who had come to join them for the celebration.

It had been a somber, but beautiful event – it quickly rose to the top of Charlotte’s list as one of her favorite experiences thus far, since joining the court and learning of Cordonia’s existence.

The old church was covered in candlelight. Bright colors were reflected in the stain glass windows that lined each side of the sanctuary.  The soft glow of pale yellow lights on a wreath and some trees near the front of the church, only heightened the feeling of taking part in something holy, something sacred.

The wooden floors creaked with each step taken, and the echoes of voices ringing off of the cobbled stone walls sent shivers down her spine.  Charlotte wondered how many ceremonies just like this one, this building had seen…and quickly realized this was the very place where she would be walking down the aisle in a matter of months.

During the service, as the guests sang the last verse of Silent Night in unison, Charlotte had been moved to tears, but kept her composure in the front row. She stood next to Liam, a stoic pillar of strength and support, everything she had been taught to portray over the last year of her life.  He was holding a candle in his right hand, with his left hand balled into a loose fist by his side.  She was holding her candle in her left hand while her other hand nervously and absentmindedly played with the seam along the side of her dress.  It was a nervous habit she had picked up to keep her hand busy in case Liam wanted to hold it.  The habit had developed back in the days when she and Drake were…well…none of that mattered anymore. Hiding from Liam had proved to be too much for them both.

As she predicted, Liam swiftly brushed his hand against hers while they continued the song, and she forced a quick smile while she gave him a sideways glance. She rested her hand within his, their fingers intertwined and took a deep breath.  This was her life now. She had accepted it.

She felt so guilty. Before the events of the past year, she never knew it was possible to feel so much pressure; so much confusion. She never knew it was possible to feel such shame…never knew it was possible to love two people at once.  

But she did know now that it was impossible to give her whole heart to anyone when she didn’t love herself. And she knew that both of the men she loved so much deserved someone who could give them everything.

While it broke her heart to move on and slowly shut Drake out of her life, she had been more easily able to give herself to Liam…but she knew it would never be completely. As much as she wanted to give him her entire heart, she knew a small fraction of it would always be reserved for Drake. They had been through and experienced too much together for it to be any other way.  

She would always remember the night it began to unravel. He muttered words about pretending and called her a hypocrite. He finally cracked and admitted he couldn’t continue a relationship with her knowing how much it would hurt Liam.

She had responded with words about him fighting for her. She spewed out poisonous phrases about not wanting her enough, using her to distract him while he got over the disappearance of his sister.

 --

“You wanted us to turn out this way, you know.  You made this happen because you couldn’t handle being wrong about me. You couldn’t deal with the fact that maybe I wouldn’t let them change me. Maybe I can be the Charlie you know and still be a part of this court and friends with these people.  Have you ever thought of that?! Maybe I’m strong enough to do this, Drake.  I’ve shattered every thought you’ve ever had about who these people are and what they ‘do’ to others…the problem is…you can’t stand it!”

 “If you think they haven’t changed you, then you’re delusional.” Drake said, calmly, through gritted teeth.  

 “You are NOT the same person I met in New York that night.”

 “You’re right, Drake.  I’m not…”

--

Charlotte was brought out of her reverie by Olivia of all people.  

“Charlotte.  Charlie! Earth to Charlie…” Olivia was impatiently snapping her fingers in front of Charlotte’s face.  

“Yes, yes. I see you. I hear you. Everyone on this block hears you…” She responded, rolling her eyes and greeting her friend with a kiss on the cheek.

“I’m one of the last ones.  Care for a drink? We have a few hours left until Christmas Day and then you’re booked solid again.” The redhead said, with a wink.

Charlotte exchanged glances with Liam who was now speaking with a group of three or four ambassadors who were spending their holiday break in Cordonia, hoping to invest in some commercial goods and set up a fair-trade agreement on behalf of their country.  

Charlotte had spent the past few days with some of them and knew Liam hoped to seal the deal with them soon. It would be perfect timing, as the press would pick it up instantly; with it being the holidays not much was really grabbing headlines these days.

Liam smiled and nodded, giving his approval for Charlotte to go on with Olivia.

“Well, I don’t have all day. Are you coming or not?” She huffed, impatient.

“I think I should wait on Liam.” Charlotte lied.  

“We haven’t had a lot of time together and it is Christmas Eve…” She trailed off, gazing through one of the large windows in the church, out into the street where a few people were walking, looking up into the night sky, watching as snow continued to fall.

“Your loss.” Olivia shot back. “Also…I noticed the forest green ensemble tonight.” Her eyes surveyed Charlotte’s attire while she scanned her from head to toe.

“Well, do you approve?” Charlie asked, honestly.

“Yes. You’re smokin’ hot and you’ve got balls the size of the UK to be wearing that color. First you steal red from me and now you’re stealing green from Madeleine?”

“Oh my God, Olivia. Keep your voice down.” Charlotte immediately hushed her, while trying not to laugh.  

“You had red and she had green. Those ARE the Christmas colors. I was bound to piss somebody off tonight and I’d rather it be her!”

Olivia cackled while putting on her gloves.  “Wise choice. I’ll see you soon – ta ta darling and Merry Christmas!”

She waved over her shoulder as she traipsed out of the church flamboyantly.  

Charlotte chuckled to herself while she began to collect her things. The only people left in the church at this point were her, Liam and the ambassador group.

As Charlotte put on her coat, Liam approached her.  “You’re not going with Olivia?” He asked, concerned.

“Not tonight.  I didn’t feel like it.” She sighed, adjusting the collar of her coat up around her neck. “Are you finishing up?”

It was Liam’s turn to sigh. “Unfortunately, no.  They want to check out the pub down the street because it looks ‘quaint.’” He made air quotes with his fingers while he hung his head dramatically.  “If they don’t agree to this deal after all I’ve done for them this week…”

“I know.” Charlotte smiled, ruefully and patted his shoulder.  “I’m tired, so I think I’ll head over to the parsonage. It should be perfectly cozy by now. I asked them to have a fire going when we returned.”

“I wish I could join you.” Liam held Charlotte’s hand and brought it to his lips, looking at her as he brushed a kiss across the knuckles of her hand.

She blushed slightly, and looked away.

“Don’t be too late, Liam.” Charlie responded, clutching her purse.  

“Ready to go?” A member of the group beckoned from the doorway.  

“Be right there!” Liam answered. “I’ll see you soon, my darling.” He kissed her cheek and grabbed his coat from the pew, then walked briskly out the door with the group and his security detail in tow.

Charlotte’s personal guard, Stefan, waited patiently for her at the doors of the church.  She turned to face the platform again, staring up at the beautiful decorations, taking her time in order to imprint the evening on her mind.

“Ready m’lady?” Stefan called out to her.

“Not yet.  Would you mind waiting outside by the door? I’d like a moment to myself.”

“Of course, Lady Charlotte. The area has already been swept and secured. I’ll be outside whenever you’re ready to depart.”

The heavy front doors of the church closed slowly, but boomed in the emptiness of the sanctuary.  Slowly, Charlotte sank down into one of the pews in the middle of the room.  She inhaled steadily and closed her eyes, allowing herself to lean back against the pew instead of sitting up straight and proper, as a lady of the court should.

Her mind was preoccupied with thoughts of Drake tonight.  In the hustle and bustle of the days after their fight, they never really had much closure. There were several moments this evening when she thought she caught a glimpse of him in the crowd. Her heart stopped each time she thought it was him, and part of her was disappointed each time she realized it wasn’t. She could almost swear she felt his presence around her at times, but she chalked it up to the constant guilt and shame she felt lingering around her.

Charlotte didn’t get much time to herself these days, but when she was alone her mind always wandered to Drake.  She had so many questions to ask him; to ask herself.  Mostly she wondered if Liam would ever find out about their tryst – how would he handle it? What would happen?

Then she found herself wishing nothing with Drake had ever started.  It made life so messy. So uncomfortable.  Why did she give in to him? Why did he give in to her? It would have made things so much easier to not have him in her life romantically, at least – but who was she kidding? She knew that if he had stayed around it would have happened no matter what.  The universe was unkind to them. They’d always have a magnetic pull towards each other. That’s why he had to leave.

She hadn’t talked to him about their relationship since that night. He had been around some, and Liam still invited him to everything. They were as close as ever, but he stayed away from Charlotte, only exchanging pleasantries and forcing shallow conversation when they were in public.

Charlotte always regretted that she was the one who walked away. She didn’t let him talk. Didn’t let him explain himself or finish his thought.  She’d curse herself forever for not at least hearing him out. What if he had a plan? What if he wanted to talk things through with Liam? What if he had wanted her after all?