#it pours from your eyes

[the-blind-assassin-12]

It Pours From Your Eyes

1200 Words for 1200 followers #3

A/N: Hi friends! Welcome to the 12-A-Palooza! This event is my way of saying thank you for sticking with me. Your support and kindness toward me and my writing is out of this world and I’m grateful for every last one of you! Moving right along with number three, and I'm not going to lie - this one hurt to write. I hope you'll forgive me.

Warnings: character death, language, 1200 words of angst.

Requested by: @something-tofightfor Song: Hardest of Hearts Character Choice: Rachael unwisely left it up to me, so I went with the most painful best option. Joel Miller. (Thank you for sending this in and please forgive me for what you're about to read. I promise I'll make it better with #4 💚)

Summary: Some things don't need to be said. Until they do.

They didn’t say it. Not one time in all those years. 

That word was a curse and they both knew it. The quickest way to lose something was to love it, and neither of them could take another loss that cut so deeply. So when they felt it on the tips of their tongues they gritted their teeth to keep it from escaping. They stuffed it back inside their chests to let it calcify in their hearts. And then they moved on to the next task. 

What they had was enough. It was everything. Solid. Safe. Sure. They took what they needed from each other, gave what they had willingly. It worked. They worked. And they didn’t want to throw a fucking wrench into the only thing that held either of them together. So even at their weakest moments they never said anything more than “I want you” or “I need you” or “Come here”. 

There were some things that were impossible to curtail, though. The tilt of Tess’ chin to catch the dust-filled sunlight dancing in Joel’s hair. The way Joel’s labor-roughened fingers landed so softly against her bruised, swollen skin. There was nothing they could do about what poured from their eyes when they looked at each other. They couldn’t change the fact that when they touched, it spread like fire. Like an infection. 

They didn’t say it. But they felt it. They knew it was there and they let it stay. As long as it stayed silent. 

What else would it be called if it wasn’t love? What else could they name the thing that grew between them like vines twining through the rungs of one another’s ribs? How else could they justify the things they’d done - and would still do - for each other? The rage and fear and panic they felt in waves when the other was in danger or at risk or hurt - what was that if it wasn’t love?

The way Tess snapped at him to just take the win for once because she wanted to see what hope looked like on his face. How he recoiled from her when she stepped toward him at the State House because he couldn’t conceive a world where the woman in front of him would become his enemy.  

Even without saying it, the curse found them. 

All the nights spent clutching onto one another, holding so tightly their arms ached, pressed so closely no words could breathe between them, all those hours in the dark without admitting the truth had been in vain. Every time they bit it back, every time they stuffed it down had been for nothing. The bitter taste of unspoken I love yous, the layers of brick they laid around their hearts - they did nothing to soften the blow when their luck ran out. 

And it had to, eventually. Luck wasn’t sustainable. It was more rickety than a couple boards balanced between buildings. They knew that. 

What they couldn’t have known until it happened, was that it didn’t just fail to soften the blow, withholding those four letters. It made the impact hit harder.

Oops, right? 

So she did what could. What she knew how to do. What they knew how to do. She loved him the way she always had in those last moments - hard and sharp and right to the quick - and then she went on to her next task.  

The defiant shake of his head and the rust in his throat as he delivered a barrage of no almost made her cave. Watching Joel Miller and all his strength be crushed under the weight of the thing they openly ignored as it continued to grow unwieldy had almost done in the last of her resolve. Almost. 

“I never ask you for anything. Not to feel the way I felt -”

“No.” This one softer, more choked. Less fight. Almost an admission, but old habits weren’t easily broken. The word stayed on his tongue as he let out another “no.”

“Shut the fuck up, because I don’t have time.” 

It was a cruel thing to say. But what could she have said that wasn’t? I love you? I always have, right from the start? How was that any less cruel? To let the only time he would hear it be that one - with death so hot on their heels they could feel its breath on their necks? No. If she hadn’t let him hear it back in their dingy kitchen, if she hadn’t said it to him while he took her apart in their bed, if she never mumbled it as she collapsed onto the mattress beside him or pressed it with a kiss against his bearded cheek before he left for a work shift, she sure as fuck wasn’t about to make him suffer through hearing it now. 

She saw everything going on in his eyes. She saw him doing the math, assessing the damage, processing the loss. She saw the protest and the panic and the anger and - oh, fuck - the sorrow. He was already hurting enough. She spared him as much as she could. 

“Joel.” 

His eyes, all wear and tear and soft leather, locked on hers and Tess took her chance to drink him in one last time. Old scars and creased skin and lips she knew so well. Broad shoulders and strong arms and the body she’d shared her own with. The man that would have to learn to live without her, as he’d already had to do with everyone else in his life. It was the hardest thing Tess had ever done, keeping that word on her tongue until the end, but she did it. For him. Instead, she went with what he needed to hear instead of what she hoped he already knew. 

“Save who you can save.” 

There was a silent conversation then, as the horde came thundering towards them and the seconds sprinted away from them. 

I want to save you. 

I know. But you can’t. I’m so sorry. 

I lo-

I know. I’ve always known. 

And that had to be enough. 

When he took the girl’s hand and dragged her kicking and screaming from the building, Tess knew it wasn’t nearly enough. But it had to be. She watched them disappear around the corner, hands shaking and breaths coming fast and ragged from the creep of the Cordyceps and the anticipation of the unknown. She watched the empty space where they vanished until the door on the other side of the room broke like a dam, a flood of snarls and snapping jaws spilling inside. 

And then she said it - when there was no chance he’d hear it, no chance those words would leave a dark mark on his heart and ruin them for his future, no chance he might turn back and throw himself into the fray to go out alongside her. Her voice was barely audible above the rush of running, growling monsters. But she said it, opened her mouth and let it leap out, tasted it, even if it was only a whisper. 

“I love you, Joel.” 

With the flick of her lighter she finished it. She saved him. 

.

.

Thank you for reading! If you’d like to be added to or removed from the tag list, please feel free to let me know. You can also fill out the form on my Masterlist! :)

tags: @something-tofightfor @littlemisspascal @mishasminion360 @nyctophiliiiiaaaa @practicalghostt @amb11 @mindidjarinin @jk7789 @tentacruelss @harriedandharassed @joelmillerscoffee @woodlandmouthh @swtaura @thescarletfang @sleepylunarwolf @trickstersp8 @princessxkenobi @imtryingmybeskar @wildmoonflower @mswarriorbabe80 @theredwritingwitch @silverstarsandsuns @competentpotato @pedro-pedrito-pascalito @mumma-moonchild @jedi-in-crocs @hannahkatharine @anoverwhelmingdin @chiyo13 @myloveistoolittle

[gabe-lovebot]

councilor 3D model

i learnt 3d modelling from the ground up to bring him to life. he's yours now. do whatever you want with him

[link]

please credit me if you make something using the model (or even ping/link me to it, i would love to see what you made!)

currently available as a .blend, .fbx and an SFM port.

[inkskinned]

we used to dye our tongues on purpose using kool-aid and i stood in the sprinklers with the grass already so muddy it was starting to do that thing where your lawn is now quicksand

i think i want to kiss you because you remind me of smoothing out the chalk drawing with gentle fingers. of anthills and feeding birds our leftover lettuce. of getting covered in briars while we picked blueberries from the backyard bush. i think i want to kiss you because it's a bad idea, and i think i want to kiss you because of how water grips the side of a pitcher of iced tea.

you said your life was a toddler's art piece, with paint splatted on your floor, in your mouth, in your hair. i was delighted by that.

i loved the idea of leaving color everywhere.

[carolmunson]

working a wedding and thinking thoughts that i had back in march.

[compaculaaa]

*bonk sentinel with his squeaky toy*

LOOK WHAT YOU DONE NOW HES CRYING!!!!

[orexias]

mains updated. , as per those who liked my mains call.

raheta can be found at @gildedthrns lorn can be found at @dreadspvwn ivy can be found at @herspawn maheen can be found at @lastborne dakara can be found at @gloomedhands astarion can be found at @thepalelfe sylvn can be found at @wrlckd sanderrac can be found at @fragilesilk

my mains are defined as individuals who do not need my permission to send asks (prompted or otherwise), write starters (plotted or otherwise), or involve me/nesta in their headcanons, metas, or other works.

[stormofdefiance]

There’s so much absolutely heart wrenching beautiful anguished art of Aventurine out there, and I love it all, but the thing that makes me cry, on 100% guarantee, is seeing wee happy Kakavasha 😭

[dergeistvond]

There is something about the musical accompaniment for water themed knight characters that makes me so emotional.

[the-blind-assassin-12]

For the ask game: 3 and 7!

Hi Jen!!!😁😁 Thanks so much for popping in with these!! It always makes me smile to see you in my inbox!! I hope you’re doing well and that your holidays were fun and relaxing, and most of all I hope that the New Year brings you only the BEST things - because that’s exactly what you deserve. 🤍🤍🤍

3. favorite line/scene you wrote this year

I was very proud of and partial to this line/scene from It Pours From Your Eyes:

7. longest completed fic you wrote this year

Welp. Despite having the highest hopes of finishing a series this year, (i actually *wanted* to finish 3. hahaha what a fool!) I did not complete that goal. But! To answer your question:

the longest chapter of a fic I wrote this year was Aphelion Part 10 at 14.9k words (the longest single chapter or stand alone fic I’ve written ever!)

the longest one shot I wrote this year was Sheer Desire at 8.7k words

Thanks again for sending these, lovely!! 🥰

end of the year asks - if anyone is curious, feel free to send ‘em!

[glassphinix]

[ID: the “touching grass is not enough” meme of text over a flowery field that has been edited to read “touching grass is not enough, i need an update about the edge of sleep tv series.” end ID]

[pigeonneaux]

Ayo! Je crois pas l'avoir déjà vu passer dans tes publi mais t'as des headcanons sur Renard dans le vdf ? Ou un ship entre lui et un autre perso que tu apprécies tout particulièrement ? Just asking 👀👀

Oui normal c'est parce que j'ai pas de HC, aller a+

Je blague, mais le canon est déjà beaucoup a digérer pour mon cerveau donc j'ai rien qui me vient, je pense que pour les Headcanons faudrait aller voir du côté des écrivains ! Vraiment ma tête est vide af

si j'en ai un ce serait que renard fait 1m60 et que si tu le casse en deux (👀) et l'agite il fait de la lumière dans le noir

Et sinon je surship a fond raphisiteur et reubel (renard x belette) c'est vraiment mes fav! Ils sont beau et tragique a leur manière (et trop drôle aussi)

Raphisiteur à du sens pour moi parce qu'ils traînent ensemble depuis de tout début et même s'ils sont trop bête pour communiquer sainement, ils sont au moins sex buddies. Parce que la fin du monde. Parce qu'ils ne trouveront jamais personne. Raph est certain d'être un incel. Ils le savent pas mais ils ont l'un et l'autre. Renard a un passé compliqué on le sait. Il préfère mentir et ça fait plus de mal que de bien. Peut-être qu'il peut s'ouvrir après un peu de temps. Peut-être qu'il tombe amoureux de raph avant que lui-même ne le considère comme un amis. Peut-être que c'est aussi pour ça qu'il le suis partout. iAmEmotional™

Mais aussi je pense à l'épisode ou raph rêve de Renard et l'appel l'enfoutreur du futur au moins 2 fois par jours et j'en reviens pas. Lisa_simpson_looking_down_meme.png

Je ship in peu henrisiteur mais vu que c'est le ship le plus commun, je préfère mettre les autres en lumière, mais jles aime aussi très fort

Renard et belette je suis tellement attachée a leur dynamique, d'avoir lu la meute et de les avoir vu grandir ça m'a vraiment fait les aimer super fort JSJDFK je pensais pas aimer la trope ''amis d'enfance'' and yet here we are. Eux. J'ai pas de trucs cohérent a dire, des qu'ils passent dans mon esprit ya une mini moi qui fait ça dans ma tête :

Je pense qu'entre la fin de La Meute et le film, ils ont mis du temps a se retrouver vraiment. Belette était méfiante, il l'a abandonné salement, il lui a menti. Pas question de reprendre le risque de lui faire confiance. Je me dis que de passer de temps avec les enfants de la meute a fait grandir Renard d'un coup, ça lui a fait comprendre des choses. Je pense qu'il s'est excusé des dizaines de fois auprès d'elle. Auprès de leurs version enfant. Je pense qu'il regrette énormément. Et a force de se côtoyer, même sans le vouloir (parce qu'il y a des méchants a combattre, des barricades a elever contre les zombies, et des gamins a entrainer a chasser le RTI) ils se rendent compte qu'au travers de leur chamailleries et concours de meilleur chef, ils ont encore plus de complicitées qu'avant. Peut-être qu'ils se rapprochent une nuit pendant un tour de garde

Comme avant, la boucle est bOUCLÉe mais cette fois ya pas de Maître, pas de problème de fanatisme ni d'idées qui divergent, maintenant ils veulent la même chose (un futur viable et de l'honnêteté) et la c'est le declique 😔 ils peuvent pas être toujours dressé l'un contre l'autre, ils peuvent pas être en tentions constamment comme ça , pour que le monde change pour le meilleur ils faut être ensemble, faut s'entre aider. Bref ils baisent a la belle etoile et je vais m'empresser de dessiner ça--

[hello-lamppost]

crying on a packed train is so embarrassing lol

[bbreaddog]

alex not handling change well……..not good at emotions………doesn’t really like smiling much………will talk someone’s ear off asking a billion question whenever he’s given an inch………………………………making conversation with someone with things he learnt from watching other people have conversations in the past…………………………………saying things/voicing opinions that are accidentally funny…………………………………HMMMMM

[hua-fei-hua]

went downstairs to leave for work just now, n my parents were watching a midsummer night's dream, i think, and like. oh my god i was actually enraptured by the language like. hello??? mr. billy shakes?????

[adiodont]

“it’s called stiosynasha, allegedly. and they’ll tell you it’s perfectly perfectly normal.”