#it seems like such a commute to go there
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The crew of a massive container ship that crashed into the Francis Scott Key bridge in Baltimore early Tuesday warned of power issues before the collision, which caused the bridge to collapse into the frigid Patapsco River, officials said.
Maryland Gov. Wes Moore said the warning from the ship’s crew likely saved lives.
“We’re thankful that between the mayday and the collapse, that we had officials who were able to begin to stop the flow of traffic so more cars were not on the bridge,” Moore said. He called those officials heroes.
Moore noted that the bridge was up to code at the time of the collapse. He said the collapse was a “shocking and heartbreaking” event for the people of Maryland who have used the bridge for 47 years.
(continue reading)
#i was in dc this weekend for a funeral#we bounced over to baltimore to visit some family friends from childhood#i drove over that bridge twice!!#francis scott key bridge#baltimore#bridge collapse#baltimore bridge#glen burnie#i dont think it was an infrastructure problem#but if oversized cargo ships can gain that much momentum#then maybe they should be required to come to a complete stop#prior to going under a commuter bridge#that or maximum ship size requirements by bridge#or maybe use tugboats??#it seems more like a regulation issue#and yes - even if it was an accident#someone still needs to be held accountable#or it may happen again#a very similar incident happened in my hometown#i think about 4 or 5yrs before i was born#sunshine skyway bridge
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do i really want to make individual drinks again
#reaching back into the file cabinets of my mind to remember how i made certain drinks when i worked at the cafe#in preparation for the possibility of this new job#it would certainly mean far less goofing off time than i have at my current job. and i value my goofing off time dearly#but the people here are so fucking annoying lmao. i hate them soooo much#not that the people at this new job would be any better. we're still dealing with investment bankers#godddddd. what i really would want (which would be impossible)#would be to go back to working at the cafe but like. still have paid time off and insurance lmao#but the cafe was a small business and he was not offering paid time off and insurance. and the pay was way less#but i did get to play whatever music i wanted. unfortunately you cant live on that#like i can always say no to this new job if its offered to me. but is my goofing off time worth:#2 dollars less in pay and a half hour to an hour's more commute. well i dont know#a shorter commute would mean i could sleep more. and have more time at home .#i mean i probably don't Need all this goofing off time. but its nice#i dont knowwwwwww#like even though im a bit nervous abt doing it again i know that i would easily fall back into the routine of making drinks#which i was fairly good at. my one drawback is that i cant do latte art but i dont know that theyd really care here#and (because i found the menu of where id work) theres not a ton of drink options?? just the standard stuff#its being called a starbucks cafe but 1) its not managed by them and 2) it does not have their 5 billion drink options#so thats good. less to worry about#doesnt look like i even have to make anything foodwise which i had to at the cafe#here it looks like people can just buy a pastry and thats it#the hours are like. the same i work now. also good#sorry im like using this post to think through my thoughts.#uhhhh oh i looked up the manager who looks like a weenie so im not keen on the prospect of interviewing with him#but i probably would have thought that about my current manager if id seen a pic of him prior to interviewing. i guess???#and with these kind of catering units it seems you dont often deal directly with the manager that much anyway#i just gotta see if i get good vibes#rn i have unsure vibes. but i need a sign to see if this could be good for me#oh id also save money on transportation. and taxes! bc i wouldnt be working in ny anymore#lol oops tag limit. well i hope you enjoyed my job thoughts you probably didnt i know i didnt
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i hope you're doing ok friend 🥺
you are so sweet! i am doing okay ❤️ unfortunately lots going on that's distracting me, but i'm alright and hope to be creative again soon. going to put some personal info in the tags if anyone's interested, but i have lots of support and fingers crossed i can write again in a little while :)
#tornyouth#██ ooc tag.#basically my new job with added commute is like... i'm out of the house a full 12h a day#which is okay! i've done that before and i'm not stressing. i'm also taking better care of myself#broadly speaking than i have in the past so i retain some energy#i am also trying to be an underachiever and not an overachiever this time 😅#unfortunately my mother still has cancer and my gf's mother ALSO has cancer#my gf's mom is rapidly worsening and is reaching the end of her life rn#so i'm really focused on supporting her rn#and my mom seems to have 2 DIFFERENT cancers going on...#i didn't even know that was a thing#but i am okay. like i said i have a support network#it's just been very hard to be creative#i've barely read anything at all i haven't watched any new shows or movies that have engaged me creatively#i haven't drawn at all#i'm working on bringing that aspect of myself back
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...
#chronic blogging#shit chat#well at this point both of my parents (who i inherited my Just Tough It Out streak from) have#upon hearing how bad my post-hysterectomy pain has been#told me 'umm no you need to go see someone.' and 'please just go to urgent care i will pay for it if your insurance won't.' respectively#haunted by the ghost of my right ovary (sharp stabbing pains & debilitating muscle spasms around the incision site)#it's been 1.5 years since surgery and it's getting worse not better#at my 1mo post op i was like 'hey right side hurts a lot worse & the incision seems really wonky & off-center. thoughts?'#they said it was nothing to worry about give it time i might still be feeling pain up to 6mo post op#sooo 8mo post op contact surgeon again 'hey remember that thing i mentioned? yeah still hurts bad enough i struggle to walk sometimes'#she says eeehhh maybe you developed pelvic floor dysfunction or always had it and surgery made it worse. read this book & do some stretches#book stretches & muscle relaxers helped for a bit so i just carried on but it was not improving in fact becoming more persistent#lil over a year post op contact surgeon like 'HEY do not ignore me i am in an amount of pain that is NOT NORMAL and you WILL see me'#drive 1+ hrs for her to poke at me for ~10 minutes ignore most of what i was saying and determine it's just muscle spasms do more stretches#said physical therapy MIGHT help if i did it 2x monthly for at least 6mo. which would've involved commuting over an hour during the workweek#no THANK you i'll just keep doing my stupid stretches. and the thing is.#the stretches ARE helping. i feel my overall balance/flexibility/stamina improving#but that by contrast is making the STABBING PAINS WHERE MY RIGHT OVARY USED TO BE all the more obvious#'oh it's just muscle spasms' well why the FUCK are my muscles spasming around THIS SPOT EXCLUSIVELY for SEVENTEEN MONTHS STRAIGHT#i have essentially no pain on my left side at all. i feel overall just fine & dandy but i am convinced there is something#like. very seriously wrong on the right side causing this#and yeah if my surgeon won't listen to me maybe i will check myself into urgent care and demand an ultrasound#(which btw i asked for during my last visit & she told me it was unnecessary & to fuck off)#but now the two people who instilled me with a very deep mistrust for the medical industry#and from who i learned from via a lifetime of observation how to dissociate from chronic pain in order to function#are telling me 'yeah no this is bad you need a DOCTOR.' umm. i probably need a doctor.#was talking w/ E last night about degrees of pain & like. avg day is like 4-6 on a 0-10 scale. good days 2-3.#i don't consider calling out from work unless it's like an 8 or higher cause i'm just so used to it.#i'm sick of it. so fucking bored with being in constant pain. i want my life & energy back. i want a personality beyond Oh Just Tired back.#i wanna be able to enjoy touch again with immediately hitting overstimulation threshold due to pain.
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My therapist sees a future for me, so maybe there is one
#Thoughts#I am just thinking about. How just existing feels hard so I can't imagine myself in the next college semester#And there he is. Asking about what I plan for my schedule. Where we can fit our sessions. How do I plan to commute#And that feels hard because I don't believe I can go on and thrive. At most it feels like I can always only pass by only barely scrap by#Which is due to me not trying - a cycle#But he asks like he is so sure I can make. Like it's already reality#Or destiny#And I'm only left with fulfilling that reality#And that doesn't seem like a lot of work anymore#It's inevitable so I will do it#I am thankful for that#The contrast in how we view me. Though. It gets me a little sad for myself#And very grateful to inspire that belief in someone. Even if he is paid for that ig#“Oh he believes in me so much. Maybe it's true after all. I only hadn't realized it yet”
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i'm so bummed i accidentally turned town a job interview for a job where I could have worked with a good friend and mentor 😔
#i was telling her abt the preschool i got hired at and i was like yeah im worried bc the other teacher doesn't seem nice#and the student teacher ratio is really bad they're really understaffed and underfunded im just really worried it will be too much for me#and she was like oh you should apply to the school i work at bc we're hiring snd the ratio is great and the pay might be better also#and i never knew the name of the school she worked at until then#and its one i DID apply to but i told them nevermind after this one hired me 😬#but now i really wish i'd taken that interview#i'm going to call or email first thing on monday tho and hopefullyyy i can get in for an interview before i start my new job on thursday#so i wont literally have to take time off for it#and then if they offer me i will be able to tell the new job nevermind while its still early#either that or i'll try to stick it out a few months then apply to the other one for summer or something#but im not sure whether its best to quit immediately or let them think im dependable and staying then leave in three months lol#but mostly for the other job idk if it would ruin the opportunity to tell them nevermind i want the job a week after i said no#compared to a few months later#they might have forgotten me by then which would probably be good#idkkk#my first reference literally works there which will hopefully help and maybe they'll give me a break#the pay scale looks the same as the one i just accepted but i think they'll offer less bc they're not as desperate#but i literally dont care its such a better working environment#and the pay scale is the same so they would give me a raise after a few months#and the work will be so much easier#and the commute#and i Definitely know i can work with my friend#vs the co teacher at this new job who seems really intense and unfriendly#anyway!!#im really anxious abt this new job and i'll stay if the other place wont take me now#but i really hope they give me another chance#also its super close and easy drive and the commute for the other one scares me a bit lol#this has been a shitpost
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i love my job. also it makes me wanna kill myself
#im not lying: i do love it#its exciting and im working with what i love and the people are lovely#but every morning i want to collapse with a 39 degree temperature just to not go to work#its the commute and the obligation to work at an office i think. uncomfortable enviroment with people constantly watching you#and uncomfortable clothes too. why do i have to shower every other day its HARD#honestly i do think all these problems would be resolved if i could just work from home#but not in my poisition. and its not soon when i will be able to take on some remote work#not to mention that the remote work i am capable of doing brings in even less money. at least at the start#ill have to stay where i am at least until i graduate. which is only happening next year#ugh. why do i have to live this life like this#maybe when we move next month it will be easier. my commute is gonna be 3 times shorter#and im gonna have a cat!!!! sweet amazing kitty cat i ‘inherit’ from my sister whos moving abroad#shes the sweetest creature on earth#and were finally gonna slee on a double bed not a twin#sleep*#not to mention waking up 40 minutes later#it seems like little but in the morning its a huge deal#arnold’s laments
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Completely fixated on making my cloak the past couple of days and now have the hood almost completely done and the cloak pieces measured, cut, and marked to be sewed together. I've sewed a zigzag pattern into the hems of the hood and already planned how I'm going to jazz it up with stitching in embroidery thread over the top to hide the machine stitching and make it look like it was more roughly made
I've also been making rings for chainmail which I am going to put as a mini top layer across my shoulders, and have started loosely planning the arm pieces to go with it as I have material from old green trousers that is stiff enough to work well as a base
My brain has been wirring like mad all weekend and I am EXHAUSTED but happy with my progress
#delete later#and i have to work tomorrow rip#BUT i have had the task i fucking hate taken off my plate so im noy going to spend the morning completely overwhelmed which#is SUCH GOOD NEWS IM SO HAPPY#i straight up told my high manager i dont want to do it again in our 1-2-1 a couple weeks ago and she seems to have taken it seriously#thank god#im really glad i chose to speak up about that instead of just being like#its fiiiiine#proud of myself!!!#and now i can concentrate on my apprenticeship work instead of being so overwhelmed i have mini meltdowns on my commute
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making a much more relaxing use of my windowsill and convincing myself to go to a "cinema in the museum" event later today
#do i have the most beautiful cup? yes#i decided to go to the event#what i didn't want was to get ready and commute#but it's a free movie inside a museum which is inside my favourite park#and i'm making good on the promise to do things and live#windowsill looks a bit like#cottagecore#methinks#coffee#i need to get fresh flowers these look a bit rough#also i love my baby blue pants#also my stressed ass was googling covid cases in my area before deciding to go because some mutuals put fear in me#all is well thankfully it seems very safe#mine#also the random tractor outside it's just there i don't know why its confusing me as well#lots of alsos because i have many thoughts
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dear english prof. i cannot possibly take todays midterm as i have frown up. thanks so much for understanding. i owe you my life. i love you. jaime
#speak friend and enter#do you guys think he'd go for that. he seems like a reasonable guy he might hear my pleas#he also sounds exactly like matthew mcfadyen doing the tom accent so micah bat-bestie and i call him prof wambsgans#anyway prof wambsgans if you're reading this. please do not make poor sickly butches commute all the way to school for the midterm#unsanitary#i guess. better safe than sorry
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i guess im being offered the job lol
#i didnt even have to interview????? here i was worrying about oh god going for an interview#but i guess not???#manager called me just now and was like hey i spoke w the people they want to know if you can start on these dates#like. okay???????#theres a week of training for me to do and then the following week id start at thee job#like an idiot as i was saying bye on the phone i only remembered then that i should have asked if it was PAID training ugh.#im assuming so . but maybe not. idk#im gonna call him back on monday to give my answer#this is it.... i may finally be free of the annoying people....#but like anything i have my trepidations. bc who know if itll work out#well thats life. as the song goes#fortunately im still within the timeframe to change the amount for my commuter benefits pretax card thing#bc the monthly pass id need for the new job#costs like less than half of what i pay now for the bus to ny#crazyyyyy. anyway i gotta do that if i decide to take the job#its more money (a little. but still more. ok its like a dollar and 4 cents more. which not a lot but still)#i get more sleepytime (always good) and im saving on commuting#plus ill only have to pay nj (and federal) taxes. instead of also paying ny yay. thats good#sorry again weighing the pros and cons onstage here#UH. what else#well a shorter commute is good but it means less reading/music listening time#although ive only resumed reading recently lol#idk. well then i could read at home and not worry about my books getting messed up#these past couple weeks ive been :( that the like 70-something year old paperback ive been taking is getting a bit rougher#only a little. but yesterday it got a bit wet bc my bag got soaked in the rain#why am i taking a super old book to work well i dont know what to tell you we have some old books#ok getting off topic. everything seems good about the new job so fuck dude i guess ill go for it#finally free of the stupid people here.... on to new stupid people (undoubtedly)#well it's probably all good then but unfortunately i always worry what if it isnt. hm
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Once again I have messages and asks to reply to that I haven't got round to yet because last couple of weeks have honestly been hella stressful but I promise I'm not ignoring you; I just haven't recovered enough to respond yet.
#i'm flagging big time ngl#sorting the whole trip back to the uk has been exhausting#haven't even finished booking flights yet and i still have to get a train ticket from london to my city#and then either tell my bf i can't stay that night bc being a bridesmaid i have to stay over at the wedding venue#or tell my friend i can't stay over the night before the wedding bc it's been 10 months since i saw my bf and cats and i wanna cuddle them#why does my life always seem to involve having to choose which person to disappoint#i honestly feel like life right now is just throwing me choices that involve losing either way instead of winning#it's never like. trying to choose between chocolate cake and salted caramel ice cream where both options are a win#it always feels like choosing between having my hand cut off or my foot cut off#and when i tell people this they're just like 'but you shouldn't see it that way! it's so sad that you choose to view it like that.'#so yeah i'm exhausted because i'm depressed and poor and stressed out about going back to the uk#just wanna sleep for a week but noooooo#at least this week is fairly light. short commute relatively easy classes and i like the staff i share the classroom with
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ok i'm done complaining for right now. but lol. i'm mad as hell.
#i just fucking hate this job so much#and i'm bad at life#i can't do as much as other people seem to do#like it's REALLY HARD for me to do this much#and my house and social life are already completely gone to shit lately#i just don't know how i can do MORE#there are 24 hours in a day#if im working 9 hours. commuting 2 hours. sleeping 8 hours. that leaves only 5 hours a day for everything else#and that's not enough time for even school work#let alone eating? doing laundry? taking care of my pets? showering???????????#and i can't sleep less because anything short of 8 hours gives me such awful headaches and i can't function at all#it's crazy i even have to like. defend that i want 8 hours of sleep. like it's a luxury lol#the 3 days off are supposed to give me enough time to just fit everything in#i just feel like if i keep trying to go at this pace my life is going to collapse around me and i'll burnout and lose everything#i've worked hard to get this far#and i know my limits#i know how close i am to losing everything#and it's scary because everyone is just like well just push yourself a little more. ok now a little more. ok now a little more!!!!!#ad infinitum!!!
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Man I’ve been running through the practice tests before I go get my L for the 7572757482th time and I’m really noticing how much driving advice is “other drivers are rabid dogs. Do not make eye contact or any sudden moves or they Will kill you. Act submissive and breedable enough and maybe you’ll live.”
#like. does this seem like a problem to anyone else.#bc it seems bad to me.#also part of my ‘everyone who is physically able should spend like two years bike commuting bc after that#Going By Car seems so fast chill and pleasant that like literally why would you get cross ever’#manifesto that I have (copublished with Everyone Should Spend A Year Or Two Working Food Service/Retail So They Don’t Act Like That’
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Ecology win! The electric fence guarding them empty lot is powered by solar panels
#sure is a good thing the bridge nearby has bars under it protect it’s vulnerable underbelly#anti homeless architecture makes me insane#this morning on my commute to work there was someone losing their shit on the train#writhing in agony#matted hair#torn up shoes#they looked like a frat bro that got lost on a bad trip and had no one who could bring him back#it made me uncomfortable#but I was less afraid than when I had to walk by some business men by their truck#I’m sure they were also uncomfortable#I’m sure they would prefer to be somewhere they could call their own#even a safe little hole under a bridge or a tent in an empty lot could be better#especially if they knew no one would fuck with their shit#like? there is so so so much work I do that doesn’t need to happen#it seems like the less necessary something is the higher the monetary reward#& this is not a universal truth#but I got paid way less to talk to people about environmental policy or help them learn math#than when I sat in the back of a banking conference doing nothing#& there is so much shit that doesn’t get done that needs doing#there are camps surrounded by piles of trash#and literal shit in the middle of the sidewalk#I’m confident that the people that generated that unpleasantness#A) would rather throw shit in a trash can and shit in a proper toilet like a human being and not on the street like a dog#B) would be happy to go around cleaning up the streets(literally) in exchange for a living wage#and those jobs exist#but there clearly aren’t enough people doing them#just like we don’t have enough train drivers#and enough therapists#and enough cooks#and enough teachers
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Oh to be an heir to the Guinness brewery fortune and just spend my day buying and refurbishing music boxes and automata and gathering a 750 piece collection that is housed in my two 5 story NYC brown houses
#jealousy jealousy jealousy#one of these days I might save up for a really nice music box#one of those 3 song cylinder players#or a bird box#ohhhhhh i wish they had a bird box on display that sang I’ve seen them in museums before but never played live#god they cost so much though#one day one day one day#something restored something beautiful#ohhhhhh to be able to spend money on this sort of thing without caring 750 times over#I wish it was me#god honestly just having the job of spending an hour going around a room playing musical automata#it probably pays less than my job and it’s too far to commute#but *sigh* seems like such a fun job
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