#it took me a few minutes to make because i couldnt find a good meteor rod png to use

[galaxyvoided]

new fuse weapon i spam to kill my Switch

[windforestsso]

The dream that was hard to write down

I dreamed about watching a theater play of Gallopers legend.

But it suddenly become real, but Galloper was still the actor. So he had his head painted black and the color of the jacket was huge so to make the head almost invisible on the stage.

I dont remember the first part of the 'real' part. But I know there were no Jon Jarl and instead there was a King and queen, but I dont think they were the reason for Gallopers beheading, but he still blame them.

The King and queen tried to escape the town, that I think was suppose to be Jarlaheim, where Galloper was going rampage. I was with them on the roof of their carriage. I dont know why but I was there.

Then I saw Galloper was after us so I took one of the horses that pull the carriage and ran between the carriage and Galloper

I supposed to either distract Galloper long enough for the royal couple to get away or lead Galloper away.

I remember that I wasnt scared. Because Gallopers cruel deeds have only been an order or if someone had wronged him. I hadn’t done anything to him so I felt safe.

The horse I was riding was slower than the carriage, I dont know how a singel horse caring one small girl was slower than a carriage with three people (the couple and the guy steering the horse). But hey, dream logic. You can never run fast in dreams. But it didnt matter that much here as I did actually need Galloper to get closer.

At that moment I realised that the road was curving and the road sides was covered in bushes and trees, so Galloper couldn't see the carriage but could see me. So I pretended to shout at the carriage to keep running and stuff and make it sound like I was still following them.  Then when I saw a dirt path going to the left I ran that way. Hoping Galloper would follow me and not call my bluff and keep follow the road.

The dirt path was not a road and just lead to a field with a stable, I couldn’t get anywhere from there. So I tried to turn around.

But galloper was right behind me. I will not lie and say it didn’t scare me. He rode straight at me and used his sword to cut of a leg of the horse I was on and I got thrown of and landed in the grass.

It was then I remember that Galloper only killed someone if the person has wronged him. And I had just tricked him from pursuing his hunt. And he also just cut of the leg of the horse I was riding, who had just dissipated somewhere. So I was really scared at that point and couldnt move. So I lay frozen on the ground listen when Galloper got of his horse and walk towards me.

I dont fully remember what was said after. But the actor kinda keep forgetting Galloper couldnt speak so he switched between talking and grunting. I got up on my feet and tried looking at Gallopers face. But it just felt wrong looking at the actors face when I knew Galloper doesnt suppose to have a head. So I looked at his chest instead He was very angry that he was tricked but wasnt going to kill me, but he was still pissed and I didnt want to get hurt. So I said something like “Why are you so nice to me?” He wasnt actually being that nice. But I knew he is feared, so calling him nice would take him off guard. So he was silent for a minute and then stamberd something and run off to continue chasing the royal couple. 

I was alive and unhurt and long enough time had past for the royal family to have gotten away and Galloper wouldnt be able to find them in time. So I just went on with my business and explored the stable.

There were three ‘horses’ there. One with deer like body, long slim neck and wavy horns where the tips touch eachother. One white horse with what I think was a horn and one dark horse. I cant remember the dark horse. When I try to remember it, its either static or a void. I just remember it was darkish color.

I somehow knew they were the original soul guardians. But they wouldnt talk to me.

So I took out four sugar cubes that were shaped like the druid circles.

I offered the horses the cubes and they took the shapes they represented. The deer like horse took the lightning cube. He was a lot more regal than Tin-can. Like a tough general. After eating the cube he talked some kind of wisdom that I cant remember because it has now gone few days since the dream and Im starting to forget details. I think it was something about them being the first? The white unicorn(?) took the moon cube. He acted pretty much like Meteor. He too said some wisdom, something about that I should not be in the past. The dark missing horse took the sun cube. It said something but I cant remember its voice at all... I remember I couldnt look at it for very long. It was painful too look at something that wasnt there. (this is the second time I dream about someone that isn’t there...someone that is good with dream reading?)

I started climing on the stable walls for some reason before I got woken up by my alarm.

[wwoofcsa]

My weekend with pet

During my week with karla, i noticed (because it was pretty obvious) that i couldnt stop talking to petrina. We were like teenagers, messaging back and forth all day, day dreaming of one another and sharing everything under the sun. I was madly in love, like fall on your face in love with this girl and a plethora of bizzare things were circling our relationship (all of them super cosmic and hard to explain) that just gave me more reasons highting the importance of this relationship at this time. After intense and hilarious conversations, a thought popped in my head, maybe id buy a flight down to KL to see her for a few days? We chatted about it, but i was still feeling hesitations, i was afraid to let go and indulge in this realtionship. My entire life, im trying to find balance, and i was afraid that i was falling too deep into desire. BUT, after some conversations, i surrendered and jumped into the pool of love and bought my flight. A few days later, after pai, i was driving to the airport in chiang mai, hopping on the plane, and arriving in KL. I couldnt fucking wait! So i arrived, and we eased gently into one another, this was the first time we’d really spent time alone together, without any other stimulation to entertain us. But we eased smoothly the first night, as we laughed and talked and eventually fell asleep. The next morning we had planned to trip together. We had spoken about stepping a bit further out into the universe and taking a tab and a half each, and then adding some mushrooms on top. So we went and got some breakfast, made some food, set some intentions, and took the dive together. I lead the death meditation for her, and it felt like a  really lovely start to our trip. And there we went, our rocket ship left the atmosphere and the next ten hours were an intense explosion of connectedness, realizations and honoring the intriguing relationship that fell upon us. There were times that we held eachother so tight, that it was like we were a meteor flying through space, inpenatrable on the outside, but safe and gentle on the inside. It was as if i had lived multiple complete lives with petrina. Each life, a completely seperate reality, similar to mr. nobody. In one life, we were two kids that met each other and were full of lust. In another, we were partners with a child, all of us covered in with shalls and warming up by a fire in the winter of northern thailand. Another life, petrina was my daughter and i was letting her know how much her mother (petrina) and i loved her. 

The trip was incredibly powerful and intense, and near the end, we became slightly more sexual. Neither of us spoke, and i noticed that i wasnt sure what she was wanting from me. There were definitly signs that she desired pleasure, but at the same time it felt like a very surface feeling. I noticed that she wasnt recipricating touch, and that although we were being sexual, there seemed to be a slight distance making its way between us. Near the end of the trip, i started thinking about some of the things i had said earlier on, and that perhaps some of the things i had said earlier, may have caused a feeling of her needing to distance herself. I tried to open up and share and process the trip, but i could see that she was holding back a bit. I told her whenever she was ready to share, id love to hear. We fell asleep and the next morning she went to shower, closing the door and i could feel a continuance of the distance. It dawned on me that only a few days before, i was wearing the mask she was wearing of distance, and now it was my turn to feel the other side. I realized then, that neither of these roles were mine to play, and that mine was a secure one, and that i wanted to continue handling the situation from a place of truth and compassion, and not from anxiety and insecurity. So i meditated a few minutes as she showered, and when she came out, i asked if could share with her. She agreed and listened intently as i explained that i had noticed my mind finding insecurities, and only weeks ago i was on the other side of the coin. I realized that while i wanted to give her love, i never want to hold her back from anything, and that i really just wanted to make the most of our short time together. I wanted to end our beautiful weekend on a note that would send us into the world feeling good, and not one of regret and feeling foolish. I wanted to face my feelings, and confront them. I told her i was sorry, cause she expressed that she wasnt great with confrontation, but if we were gonna have a relationship of any kind, this is how we gotta do it. 

Pet was incredibly receptive and opened up a great deal about how she was feeling the night before. She opened up and we talked about the lust we were feeling the night before, and how it didnt feel great, that i wanted to give her love, but it felt cheapened by lust. I pointed out that i noticed she hadnt even touched me, and while that was ok, it just felt as if i was giving and she was receiving, instead of us mutually sharing love. The day continued on and our relationship truly blossomed. I learned the importance of communicating from a secure place, of not attacking, and not trying to pin my feelings on external events occuring, rather just to express my feelings and intentions. It was truly a game changer. We had a fucking blast the rest of the day, laying together in bed, getting coldstone ice cream, and going to see the new spiderman movie. 

Spiderman was hilarious, as we didnt realize that it was a cartoon. We arrived at the theater a few minutes late, and couldnt figure out what was going on. We left the theater and asked someone if we had made a mistake but the employee assured us that we had entered the correct theater. After reentering, we did some quick google searching and concluded, that we had in fact chosen to go see an animated spiderman, but since we were already there, we might as well enjoy it. And we did. It was a fucking awesome movie. I realized that night, that it didnt really matter what we were doing, as long as we were hanging out together, i was happy. 

A beautiful weekend of celebrating ourselves, with the lovely petrina

Things i learned from my acid trip with petrina.

There was this feeling in the depth of my being, that a large chapter of my life was coming to a close, and that this next chapter was about to commence. I could feel this third of my life, the third where i was making decisions for me and only me, was ending, and i was entering a realm where i would truly feel comfortable to make desicions that considered not only myself, but also others around me. Thats not to say that that hasnt happened in the past stage, but this would be the predominant work of this stage. A stage of giving back. As if the early ears of my life were focused on taking and utilizing resources from my parents and the world around me, and then i left for israel and i started thinking about caring for myself and taking less from those around me. I focused on learning and diving into the things that were interesting to me, and filtering a many great things that were interesing and letting those core healing practices emerge organically. I now feel like im arriving a stage, where i can truly allow for opportunites to come, that will help me dive to the depths of some of these realms that ive started digging in. Whether its a 21 day meditation course, or a month long ayuhasca retreat, im reading to get deeper. In addition, my relationshpi with petrina highlighted a desire that i had for a family, one of these days, a most unconventional family, and i believe that in this chapter of life, i will start to arrive to a place of emotional stability and groundedness.

In addition, i had an interesting experience, as i was showering during the trip. I could feel, very clearly, how much energy i had been storing in my dreads. This was stale energy that id been carrying around with me, weighing down on me for weeks, through pai and chiang mai. It was a profound experience, washing away all of this old, stale energy that was no longer serving me. I cant even explain how much lighter i felt after the shower, after coming to the understanding of just how much we carry with us and within us from the past and if we dont take time to cleans and wash, it really does build up.  it was awesome (like actually awe-some)

Another huge take away, was was omni present during the entire trip, was the idea of depth. I think for my entire life, ive been searching for depth, in almost everything that i do. Ive been trying to find tools to allow myself to experience the world in a more subtle and deeper way. During the trip, i feel like a door was opened that allowed me to see just how deep things can be in relation to how deep i have been living. It was truly humbling to see just how much of the mountain i had left to climb, but to see that there was a direction and deeper conciuosness (ironically, weeks later i would start my ayurvedic yoga/bodywork therapist trainging, where i would be consistantly practicing going to the depth of myself and of the world around me.)

Indulgance vs. discipline vs. balance

Lastly, something that petrina brought to my life, was this question between when its right to let go and indulge, when its right to hold back and be disciplined and how to find the balance between them. Obviously if you are always disciplined, you lose out on letting go, and living in the moment to some degree. On the other hand, if you are always indulging, it may be harder to reach a more sublte reality, or a deeper path.

An example of this would be, if i ate the entire cake by myself, i would miss out on a much deeper experience of sharing with others (a more eudonomic happiness vs. just sensual pleasure), or i would be trading sensual pleasure for pain and discomfort in my body later on. Or very simply, giving into sensual pleasures constantly, will be atempting to fill a void, that will just grow and grow (as both max and zen buddhism teach)

Having said that, if im constantly holding myself back, i may deprive myself of the simple and beautiful pleasures of life. In my attempt to get deeper, i will miss a very important lesson, in letting go and being present with what is, in flowing with the environment vs. trying to control everything. 

It’s been a very interesting idea to play with and observe in myself