#it was a bit personal too it was a good wa to practise while in thi pandemic

[galaxyspark-6e16]

so i was scrolling through the internet and then i've found callum's spellbook was finally online so iv could finally dive in while reading it i've come to aaravos chapter and i couldnt  believe my eyes when i saw this written text;

my heart just dropped, to other people it may seem unimportant but seeing my language in this ficional universe being used its just fills my heart because its being represented, but also meaning that the five human kingdoms has fused with eachother with cultural and religious differences that perhaps they are living in peace with everyone respect and undertends eachother belief

people may have already translated the text from season two bt this time its clearer and i wanted to give it a try since i speak it, but then i realized how im falling my arabic class so ill be needing google translate a bit (the probem to me is that each grade we learn anciant literature and old  poems from famous poets and the words are becoming more complicated that i rather focus on non arabic subject than to undertand a text of the 19 centrury)

my first mistake was elaroune but actually its was elarion so..

elarion heavy compagnon she cried while transforming the stars of the sky to blackness They wore their masks They turned their backs and left elarion to die elarion and (her/Its) shell is wrestling withered and meant to be in the dark until the last star came from afar touched Fire sparked him a gift elarion shining white embraced the flame of the greatest blackest night and when it bent She declared her faith whispered aaravos, his name elarion child with blackest eyes Spread the twisted roots with each dimension/distance and with the power of man/humans that caught/ignighted aaravos the midnight star the midnight star elarion with trembling seeds lied down the earth on the iciest of night and of the cold attracted/pulled it roots She defies a bite of the deadly winter elarion and her open flower afraid of withering, and darkness and death she had searched for darkness insted of light but the hungry dragon eye caught her elarion, the afraid bastard her white branches arrived toward the night questionned the stars to find her light and stooped the attacking dragon fire elarion heavy compagnon she cried while transforming the stars of the sky to blackness They wore their masks They turned their backs and left elarion to die

[defdaily]

‪[TRANSLATION] Nylon Korea Magazine June 2020 issue: JB's defined taste.

Translated by defdaily.

just JB

From GOT7’s leader to main vocal and even lead dancer… in other words, he is a multiplayer, and an all-rounder. We were in the midst of preparing the interview, and the editor who was researching JB could already come to know that all that was true even before meeting him. JB, who we meet on stage and on his own personal Soundcloud channel, really does well in everything. We were getting more and more curious about him before having met him. On the day of the cover shooting, we proceeded with the photoshoot first then had the interview after. Watching JB who was in the middle of his shoot, I could see that there are even more things that he is good at. While we talked about the concept and mood for the day, he faintly smiled and answered that he understood. And when he entered the shoot, we heard his answer even more clearly. He wiped the smile that he just had off his face and immediately showed through his actions that he understood what we talked about. In life, opportunities and good fortune are like a random game play but after seeing him we realised that it all came to find him. JB seemed as if he already knew that yet he was never impatient. I hope JB’s intelligent and sexy energy is relayed to Nylonias too.

“I’m doing music now, but be it vocals or dance, I’m not drawn to a particular side. They’re both similarly balanced, but the way I think about them is a little different. Singing is something I definitely want to do well, as for dancing, I want to have fun doing it. It’s good to be a good dancer. It would be really nice to be good at dancing, but since my aim for dancing is to enjoy it, rather than thinking ‘How can I dance better?’ ‘How can I dance more coolly?’, it’s more important that I enjoy myself and receive good energy while dancing.”

http://nylonmedia.co.kr/jb/#

Due to COVID-19, everyone’s daily lives have changed. How has JB’s life changed?

My time at home has expectedly increased. I play with the cats and sometimes go out for a walk. When I go out, I either go to my studio or even when meeting with friends, we try to choose places that are not crowded. It’s a period of time when we should all be careful so I think that we should do whatever we can.

Were you originally someone who spent a lot of time at home. There is a term “homebody” that reflects those tendencies.

There was a time when I stayed home and didn’t do anything for a few months, but I really felt stressed then. I realised then that being home alone too much isn’t good for you. But of course going out everyday is also tiring physically (laughs). That balance is important and when you’re at home, rather than lying down, collapsing and watching TV, it’s better to watch a film that you can relate to or read a book. I do those kinds of things at home.

When you were younger, you said all you did was dance. It could be a cliche question but what is dance to you? Isn’t the one thing that has been with JB or a long time.

The answer could be obvious but to me dance is something that feels like life and livelihood. Since young, rather than practising choreography that has already been set, it became a habit that I could dance freestyle to music that is being played. I don’t know, to me choreography is choreography and dance is dance, to me there is this distinction.

What standards do you think stand at the forefront of dance?

To me, I also consider nodding your head to music that is playing as dance. I think that’s my reply because I feel that  dance is an expression of your current feelings. In the past, something like that happened. When I was walking the streets and suddenly heard a song that I know despite it not being me who played it. Then I would suddenly start dancing. It happened when I was young, but now that I’m thinking about it, it’s a bit embarrassing (laughs)

It seemed like you were enjoying the rhythms of the songs that were being played on set today too.

Music that is my taste played so I was having fun while listening.

To many people, music is a hobby. But for JB that has turned into a career, has there not been times when it has been stressful?

While making music, the times when I can’t seem to create anything are the times (when it is most stressful) or when I had a certain thought or intention while making the song but it is interpreted differently. At those times I think, “Ah that’s not really it?”. Rather than stress, it’s a bit closer to regret.  When songs are not coming to mind, I often think, “Why can’t I think of anything?”, “Do I really not have any talent?” too. But you’re making something out of nothing so it can’t be helped that you collapse at times during the process. I also look back at myself. The stress I had at that time couldn’t be helped. I should put up with it.  

What do you think about while working on your music these days?

Being unlike myself? That’s the part I pay attention to the most. If a song turns out to be unlike me but not over-exaggeratedly, I think ‘oh that’s pretty good’ and can accept it. I try to avoid songs that are too like myself since it can be predictable.

I thought you would be the opposite and make music like yourself instead.

Because it feels like I’m locked up, so I don’t like that.

Do you think you have shown enough of songs that are like yourself?

That is not the case either. As JB, I’m the type to make songs like myself when making music for GOT7. Rather than myself, it has to be more like GOT7’s colour, so I think about that a lot. It’s not that I don’t like music that is like myself.

You seem to be the type that makes plans to clear things out and get them done.

I also have a spontaneous side. But I generally am the type to make plans. If I set my mind and think, “Let’s do this” then in the end I will end up getting it done.

Many people like JB as a singer. You may not have started with singing from the beginning, but you are now the main vocalist of GOT7 and worthy (of the position). What comes to mind when you look back at yourself as a vocalist.

I like my tone but I also don’t like it. Actually, I do think my tone matches well with bright moods or intense music but personally I think it has lacking points. I think it‘s too strong and bright, so I work hard to balance that out.

Is there another artist's tone that you think is good these days?

I often listen to Crush’s music, and I envy his soft tone.

When I see JB's collaborations with various artists, it‘s interesting how a new tone comes out each time.

That’s because I tailor it to whatever is needed each time. Sometimes it's fascinating to me too, that I express things differently depending on who I work with and how I came to meet them. I think vocal tone can be seen as an instrument that makes the music.

Fair skin and cold eyes, sharp nose and jawline, large build, twin moles. As they say, the image of a simple country boy and a cold city man seem to coexist. What is something people around you tell you is really cool about you?

People around me would never say that. Honestly, friends don't really talk about what's cool about each other right? We just curse and get cursed. (Laughs) Well, I know what I think (is cool) about myself.

We’re curious about that too.

Sexiness. Actually it’s more so the thought that I should certainly move forward possessing sexiness.

Is this something you’ve decided that represents you?

If we have to say that, then let's go with cute sexy.

Aren't you being too ambitious?

It’s just my own thoughts. (Laughs) In the past, I would have replied with ‘being free’. I thought that being myself without hesitation was a strength. But these days, it's more of a point that I have to fix rather than a strength. In reality I'm a very free-spirited person, but I don't think that is the right personality for celebrities or public figures.

Did something happen that might have made you feel that way?

I like being honest. But even I think I have a personality that can be misunderstood easily. Like peers my age, I sometimes talk without a filter when I'm excited. But I've been thinking, "Don't we need to manage our image?" Not a lot though. (Laugh)

You seem to be free-spirited, but with rules and such, you seem to be disciplined and have firm standards.

I always upkeep my own line/standard.  I’m not always on the clouds. It's the same for myself and also my friends around me, even for the members, if they cross the line, I am the type to calmly tell them “don’t you think maybe you shouldn’t say/do that?”.

You seem to be the type to say “that’s not it” right away when something is wrong.

Well, I think if I wait to say something, they might feel worse about it. So I’m the type to just say it right there and then that we should be more careful.

I’ve seen an interview in the part where the GOT7 members did not hesitate to say “JB is our leader. There is no other candidate.” But to be honest, being a leader, you can’t not have many burdens and responsibilities.

(Laugh) In the past that was the case so I used to get a lot of stress, but nowadays it’s not the case. Now everyone takes care of themselves and they’re all reliable. At some point, I started thinking that continuously saying "Let's do this" and "Let's do that" is starting to sound nagging. I don’t want that so unless it’s something that needs to be stopped, I don’t say much. Once I was really out of it so I asked Jinyoung to take care of team matters, he did really well so I’ve been leaning on Jinyoung a lot since then.

It feels like a president and vice president.

Nowadays I’m the vice president. (Laugh). I reinforce what Jinyoung says, I don’t interrupt and pretend to act like the head of the group.

Since GOT7 is a team of multi-national members, it would not have been easy to agree on things because of language and cultural differences.

The members are all very good at Korean, so there have never been any times when problems arose due to language issues. When we talk about our opinions, we ask, 'Okay so how do you want to go about this?' And then we go with the majority. This method is the most simple and fair.

Outside of your role as JB in GOT7, is Jaebeom the type to lead in friendships?

Not at all. In a friendship group, there’s always that one person who’s so quiet you don’t know if he’s there or not, right? That’s me. (Laughs) If you call for me, I’ll go out and have fun. But I’m not the type to go “ya~~~” to lead and start up the mood. (My character) is a character that disappears quietly after having fun together.

The latest mini album received a great response. It ranked No. 1 on iTunes music charts in more than 50 countries around the world. Domestic music charts and record sales were also overwhelming..

Out of ambition, I did hope it would be better. It is important for my name and the team’s name to be more known, however I hoped our music would reach more people.  

Looking at GOT7 onstage, everyone thinks you are a group that stands out with your performance.

We can be proud of that. It’s the thing we pay most attention to since we’re in GOT7. Now we also have some years of experience, so I think our skills should live up to that too. I thought that it’s a time when the team shouldn’t simply be releasing albums. I think we have to work hard so people go “ah great” when watching our performances.

Previously when we were doing the shoot, there was a cut that was a little revealing. Do you work out? There was a time when you were chosen as GOT7’s rep for having a “good body”.

These days I’m intending to start exercising again. And I usually don’t take things such as nutritional supplements, but I’ve come to think they’re important so recently, I stopped by a pharmacy to buy a variety of vitamins and probiotics etc and I eat them every morning.

Was there something that prompted that or did it just come to mind?

I’ve had a lot of interest in fashion, but I don’t really pay a lot of attention to my looks. I’ve come to realise recently that how you look is also part of fashion so I ‪want to take better care of myself. (Laughs) My body is the type to get big easily when I exercise so instead I tried to just lose weight by not eating. But I felt that my condition was starting to get out of control too so I told myself, “Ok, let’s combine (what we’ve done previously) with exercise as well and create a healthy body!”

How long have you been taking nutritional supplements for?

It’s barely been a week. (Laughs) I’m not sure if it’s because of my mood, but I already feel like I'm getting healthier. I woke up at 9 this morning. But I didn’t feel tired or anything, I felt so refreshed so I’m starting to believe more and more in the magic of nutritional supplements.

When we were talking about charms; you mentioned the term sexiness. What does JB think sexiness is?

How do I say this. Rather than forcibly thinking ‘I’m fatal’, true sexiness comes out in a natural situation or moment. Also when someone is working hard on what they do. I am also working hard on my job, and I especially pay attention to the atmosphere created by lyrics or songs. I think that sexiness comes to be when you naturally get caught in that kind of place.

Then what do you think being cool is?

When someone acknowledges their own weakness (problem) and knows how to take that in. Even if they can't fix it straightaway, they think about it once more, and are able to say 'I'm sorry’ or even discuss the issue more. That's what I think 'being cool' is.

Honestly when someone hears words that aren’t very kind, even though in your head you know what you should do, sometimes it’s hard to control facial expressions.

On the contrary, when hearing such things, if it was me I’d say ‘I fully understand what you mean. But to be honest, it doesn’t feel good.”  After acknowledging what I did wrong, I am the type to honestly express how I feel at that moment. Then I ask for some time if I need it or find the cause (of why I feel this way).

You seem to be someone that hates ambiguity.

But there are times when I act ambiguous too. Despite hating things like that. (Laughs) Sometimes I think ‘Am I this hypocritical?’ And have a hard time because of it, but again I guess everyone is like that in a way.

Translated by defdaily.

[twoidiotwriters1]

Written In The Stars CIII (Harry Potter xF!Oc)

A/N: I know last book ended horribly but I promise this one won’t be entirely sad, just a bit frustrating– Enjoy and please leave feedback! -Danny

Words: 3,888 

Series’ Masterlist

Book IV // Next Chapter

Listen to: Then -by Anne-Marie

Chapter One: A Lousy Summer.

1974

Emily wasn't going to cry where the girls would be able to hear. 

She could've used a spell to quiet her own sobs, but she just needed to be in a place where there was no need to hide. 

So she went to the common room, drowning her cries on a blanket and wondering how was she going to crawl her way out of this one. She thought it was unfair, she'd never experienced something so embarrassing prior this moment. Wasn't love supposed to be beautiful?

"Mily?"

The girl gave a start and cleaned her face hastily.

"Padfoot," She tried to sound casual. "What's wrong? Had a nightmare about cats chasing your tail?"

"Are you okay?" He walked up to her, ignoring the teasing. "I'm sure that if you were to talk to them..."

"I think it's clear enough," Emily averted her gaze. "All of us want things we can't have."

"That's not true."

"What exactly should I do after the humiliation I went through?" She sniffed. "He kissed me in front of everyone! I can't be near him and I refuse to be around Lily, I don't want to see any of them!"

"Mily, when I tell you Matt got the worse deal..." Sirius frowned. "The look on his face–"

"You don't need to remind me," Emily lamented. "Why can't I like him back?"

"You can't force things to happen," He shrugged. "If I could make all of you forget I would, but you'd find a way to do whatever you want anyway."

"This is not the time for jokes..."

"Talk to Moony then," Sirius complained. "I'm not good at comforting people..."

"I don't want to talk! Can we just... sit in silence?"

The girl curled up and got closer, he wrapped an arm around her awkwardly.

Really –Sirius thought with exasperation– What was she expecting? This was bound to happen, one of them would eventually develop a crush on her...

Well, more than one... but Sirius was going to take that secret to the grave. It was out of place, Matthew was way better than him– Hell, anyone was a better choice! But tonight it was just the two of them... and Emily had asked him to stay.

"It'll get better, right?" She asked quietly. "I'll get over my stupid crush and so will Matthew... we'll be back to normal in no time..."

"You were never normal," He joked.

"You know what I mean..."

"Yeah," He fixed his gaze on the dying fire, a hint of bitterness in his voice. "If you ask me, James doesn't know what he's missing..."

1995

It was the driest and hottest month of the year back in Private Drive, but Mel was freezing at the front door of Grimmauld Place.

Her mother led her in as she closed the door behind them, Mel hugged Grey's basket closer, thinking a ghost would walk out of the hall. Instead, Sirius walked in with a bright smile.

"You're here!"

Mel looked around dubiously.

"This is your house?"

"Mel! Don't be rude!"

"That's okay," Sirius made a face. "This place is hot rubbish. Your room's clean though. I made sure you'd be comfortable. I know it's hard to be away from home, stuck in such a... place."

"Well, at least you're here," She smiled. "I'm sure I'll get used to it."

"Hand me those," Sirius grabbed her trunk and walked ahead of them. "Let me take you to your rooms... Try to be quiet, my mother's portrait is mental. I tried to take it down but she glued it there. It's bloody torture."

"Language, Padfoot," Emily said, though she was far more interested in the house-elves on the shelves. "Love the decor..."

"Don't mention it," The man growled. "The house-elf that kept the house clean while I was young used to be here, I have no idea where he is, but I haven't found him. I can't wait to throw all those heads out."

"You think he died?"

"I'll find him eventually."

"So this will be the headquarters for the Order?" The girl asked, choosing to ignore his vague answer.

She'd read her mother's letters in secret until Emily found her snooping around, by then it was too late, so Emily didn't see the point on hiding it anymore.

"That's right," Sirius opened the first door of the second landing. "I figured, if I can't be of use out there, the least I can do is give a safe place where to have our meetings. It's secured with a Fidelious charm, Dumbledore did it last Saturday when he heard you were coming."

"Interesting..." Mel looked around. "Who used to sleep in this room?"

"Guests, that's why it's so plain. I thought you'd like it that way, my family wasn't keen on jolly decorations."

"I noticed," Mel grinned.

"You must be hungry, coming all this way from Remus' place. Why don't we go to the kitchen and have lunch? We can unpack later..."

Mel was helping her mother set the table when she heard a strange noise coming from the corner of the kitchen.

"What's in there?"

"It's where the elf used to keep his appliances... there might be rats in there, be careful."

When she opened the door something fell swiftly on her feet and she screamed, jumping on the table.

"What happened?" Emily circled the table. "Oh–! Sirius! I believe Mel found your elf..."

"Is he alive?" The girl asked in terror.

The creature looked ancient and dirty, with a sneer that she'd never seen in an elf before; usually, they were all smiles and compliments. This one started to insult them as soon as he lifted himself from the ground.

"Rats! Thieves! Traitors of the blood had come to rob my masters' treasures!"

"Kreacher," Sirius said. "Shut up."

The elf closed his mouth tightly but sent Sirius a deathly glare.

"He listens to me because I'm the last member of my family that still lives. Be of use, Kreacher, go clean my mother's room."

The elf's eyes shone with anger but he turned away and vanished.

"He always liked to throw tantrums," Sirius added, pulling Mel down from the table. "You're okay?"

"Yeah– it took me by surprise..."

"You jumped so high!" Her mother laughed.

"Laugh at your daughter, will you?" Mel scoffed. "Not like you're the adult or anything..."

"No one here is allowed to be an adult," Sirius crossed his arms. "Not unless we're holding a meeting. In which case we're adults. Today there won't be any, though."

"Don't listen to her, she's just upset about spending summer away from Harry," Emily mentioned.

"I'm not," She replied tensely.

"It's okay, I was beyond sad the first time I had to leave Matt for–"

"I don't feel that way about Harry," Mel retorted roughly.

"What?" Her mother's smile fell. "What happened?"

She bent down to pick up the things that fell when she'd jumped on the table.

"I'd rather not talk about it..."

"Am I missing something?" Sirius raised a brow.

"Last summer Mel told us she was having feelings for Harry..." Her mum began carefully, "I thought it was still a thing..."

"I'll tell you what it was. Stupid..." The lump in her throat formed at a remarkable speed. "I should've known better..."

"Did you talk to him?"

"He doesn't like me, Mum."

Sirius and Emily shared a look, the woman moved to hug her.

"We can talk about it if you want? Once you're ready..."

"Can we have lunch?" Mel asked quietly.

"Sure thing, little Em," Sirius nodded. "I'm a brilliant cook. Your mother's skills will be put to shame."

"How're you so sure?" Emily grinned.

"Because I remember your cooking."

Mel was spending some quality time with Buckbeak when Sirius walked in. It was almost midnight and her mother had gone out on a mission.

"Is it okay if I join you?"

Mel shrugged.

"I know you said you didn't want to talk about it, but maybe you'd like to talk to me now?"

The girl remained silent.

"C'mon, Mel! We'll live under the same roof for a while, let's practise our social skills!"

"My social skills are fine, thanks."

"I heard from a reliable source that you're still scared of speaking to large crowds..."

"I simply don't find it exciting," She lied.

"Well then, I'm not a thousand people, but I have a nice pair of ears that would love to listen to fifteen-year-olds' problems."

"I'm sure your godson will have plenty once he's back."

"He's been demoted to my godson?" Sirius taunted.

"I don't want to talk about it."

"All right, we won't talk about him... What about your father?"

"What about him?"

"Well, when he was about your age–"

"He kissed my mum and she turned him down?" She replied tiredly. "So what? They married anyway..."

Sirius frowned.

"They didn't know they were going to marry each other, that's what! Matt didn't look like himself for weeks! Your mother'd been rejected, that's why your dad kissed her. He thought it would help... to this day I don't know why he thought that, but alas, it worked!"

"Did you know the other?" Mel asked. "That kid mum used to like?"

"A fool," Sirius shrugged. "A nice fool, but an idiot nonetheless... your parents were lucky, Mel. They found a way to fall in love, but even if that hadn't been the case, your father would've found someone– your mother would've found someone... It's not that we're meant to find just one person and stick to it. Most times it's just finding an equal that understands you and suits your needs, and there are plenty of those."

"I don't want anyone," Mel pouted. "I hate this, and I wish there was a way I could avoid liking people. It's hideous."

Sirius laughed.

"Trust me, you'll regret it if you don't give someone a chance. Though I'll tell you this, no person in this world will ever be fully worthy of you, little Em. And even if it's true and you don't find one, your life will still be full of adventures."

Mel didn't think she was that great, but whatever had happened between Harry and she felt right, it felt natural, she'd been able to see a future with the boy. Then again, that could've been her childish and gullible self thinking that her first love was going to last forever. Maybe, if she were to try hard enough, she'd be able to see someone taking Harry's place.

"Have you ever been in love?" Then she added rather bashfully. "I mean, not that I have, but you know..."

Sirius cleared his throat.

"It was a long time ago. Long before leaving Hogwarts... It wasn't meant to be, nor my place."

They fell in comfortable silence, watching Buckbead nibble some bones.

"If you really want to help me," Mel started. "You can teach me how to avoid detention..."

"Nice try," Sirius laughed. "Emily warned me about you... My official answer is no."

"What about your off-the-record answer?" She inquired, standing up at the same time as him.

"Only the days Mily's not in the house."

Kreacher kept insisting on following her around as if she were a criminal, making sure she wasn't touching any of his old trinkets. She didn't have any interest in doing so; everything had dark magic, she'd sense it without even having to touch them.

On a normal day, she'd go to the attic to spend time with Buckbeak, sometimes Sirius would make tea and they'd sit there talking about his adventures in Hogwarts. He'd tried several times to ask her about Harry, but she would ignore him every time.

Dumbledore visited one morning to ask her to keep it all a secret, what they were doing there, meaning that if she was planning on sending letters to Harry, she wasn't allowed to talk about the Order. But Mel wasn't writing to him at all, and her letters to Hermione and Ron were always vague. Both of them were under the impression that Mel, true to her nature, was keeping an updated knowledge on Harry's whereabouts, that she didn't confirm nor denied.

Erick wrote to her a week after she'd moved to Grimmauld Place. Anne went completely unmentioned, but that was expected. He was busy looking for young supporters, things got a bit complicated when Eliot Flint got sick again and Erick had to look after him. He seemed to be having just as a dreadful summer as she was.

It wasn't that her mother, Lupin, and Sirius would leave her to rot inside this huge house, but they were adults who had their minds set on important matters, and she had nothing to do but overthink about him.

She still had feelings, but she was doing her best to bury them. Mel was hoping that once in Hogwarts she'd find a way to be okay with his existence. She didn't want to get rid of him altogether, that was impossible.

"I take that you're having a rough morning?" Sirius spoke from the doorway.

Mel gave a start, looking up from her seat at the kitchen table.

"I had a nightmare," She said drowsily.

"Same as before?" Sirius knew about her dreams, but that day she didn't want to talk about them. Today all she wanted to do was to sit in silence and drink her coffee.

"Have you had breakfast already?"

"No. I came here so Kreacher would stop nagging about me trying to steal the rubbish he keeps in the living room."

Sirius chuckled, walking up to the stove.

"Maybe if you praise my mother's portrait he'll stop..."

"Would love to, but I'm not a good liar."

"I can help you with that," He turned around for a moment. "Don't laugh when you speak, don't smile– if someone accuses you of causing mischief, act like it was the most insulting thing you've ever heard."

"What if they don't buy it?"

"Confidence is key, Mel. If you believe it, then it's done."

"Sirius, you're not giving my daughter bad advice, are you?" Emily walked in.

"Not at all," Sirius said, feigning surprise. "It shocks me that you think so, the only thing I want for Mel is her well being!"

"He's good..." Mel snickered.

"You have to pick your battles wisely, Paddie. A fifteen-year-old, or an experienced witch that's old enough to hex you," Emily warned him.

"I'll trust my luck," Sirius smirked.

"I got Molly's answer by the way," She ignored him, "The Weasleys will be here next Tuesday."

"Hang on... where will everyone sleep? I know the place is big, but..."

"Ginny can sleep with you," Emily started, "Ron can sleep in Phineas' room, the twins can sleep in the room next door to yours– Molly and Arthur can stay in Walburga's room..."

"But Sirius is in that room," Mel tilted her head.

"Yeah..." Emily glanced anxiously towards the man. "Sirius will take my room. I spend the night outside anyway, remember? Like uncle Lupin."

"But sometimes you don't."

"Little Em," Sirius told her. "Don't worry, your mother and I will make sure everyone's comfortable. As much as this bloody house can be..."

Mel knew Sirius was less than happy about spending his days locked up in the house where he'd lived the worse years of his life, but he was glad to have her, or at least he'd said as much. According to him, Mel was a lovely housemate.

She also knew there was something going on between the two adults. She could see it in the way Sirius would stare at her mother when she wasn't paying attention, and the way her mother would look more cheerful than usual after talking to him. The nights where she had to eat with the two blatantly flirting felt like personal karma from all those months she'd spent recklessly ogling at Harry in front of her friends.

"Can Hermione come too?" Mel asked.

"D'you think she'll want to come to this musty old place?"

"Please?"

Sirius sighed.

"Look at those eyes, Mily. I can't say no to those eyes!"

"Those are my eyes," The woman crossed her arms. "I can."

"I got my father's smile though," She said cheekily. "Please? It could be my first birthday surrounded by friends!"

"You heard that, Mily? Her birthday," Sirius said without missing a beat. "Are you going to deny such a simple request to your only daughter?"

"Oh, you two are unbelievable!"

"Is that a yes?"

"You have five minutes to write that letter and send it– Wipe that smirk off your face, Black. You're washing the dishes tonight."

Mel and Sirius high-fived, laughing at Emily's annoyance.

"And here's where we'll be sleeping!" Mel dragged Hermione into the room.

The house was definitely more fun now that the Weasleys and Hermione were there, from time to time some members of the order would visit as well as her uncle. The place almost felt like home.

"You're not sleeping with your mum?"

"My mum and Sirius share–" She stopped abruptly. "Mum goes out a lot, sometimes when she's here Sirius will give her his room so she can take the bed and he sleeps on the couch."

"Ginny sleeps here too?" Hermione examined the jumpers laying around on the other bed.

"Yeah!"

"How is she? She's over Harry now?" Hermione smiled. "She's okay with him liking you and all?"

Mel groaned internally. This was going to be a long month if people kept asking her about Harry.

"Harry doesn't like me."

"Please, Mel–"

"No," The girl interrupted. "I actually talked to him this time. Don't ask. It's better if we just forget it."

Hermione stared at her in shock.

"I–I could've sworn he... that he..."

"'Mione," Mel stared at her. "Forget it."

Hermione nodded, sitting down at the edge of the bed.

"Careful with the twins, by the way," She continued calmly. "They're free to do magic now, and they're out of control."

"I'll keep that in mind."

Ginny and Hermione were acting oddly ever since they found out she wasn't talking to Harry. They had the right to be, it was strange to see how unfeeling she was about being so far away from her former best friend. The twins and Ron, on the other hand, weren't that worried. They thought it was her way of coping and, in a way, it was.

They kept asking a lot of questions about Erick though, whether if he was to be trusted and exactly how much could they get away with. Mel thought it was funny, so she answered as many questions as she could.

Her birthday passed without much of a fuss, suddenly she was fifteen and just as quickly, Harry was too, but he wasn't there to celebrate. For the first time in weeks, she wished he could be there with them, she didn't dislike him as much as to wish him a bad birthday.

Hermione and Ron started to write to him. She tried to write a Happy Birthday note but it sounded stupid, she knew it'd be far from happy, all alone in Privet Drive. That night he would open his window only to see hers completely shut.

Erick's present had been one of those old radios his Grandad used to make with a note that said 'So you can practice your dancing' signed with two E's. She and the twins used it a lot while working on their products, that way it would drown the noise and their mothers wouldn't suspect as much. Mrs Weasley was on edge lately, Percy and his father had gotten into a real nasty fight and now the boy was gone, it had the poor woman in a terrible state.

One night after dinner, Fred walked into her room.

"Hey," She said without looking up. "Erick told me there's a station where they do these radio novels? I'm trying to find them, bet they're hilarious..." She said while toying with the buttons of the object.

"You're all right?" He asked, sitting next to her.

"Brilliant."

It was a lie. She'd been having a terrible headache for the past twenty minutes, probably because of the lack of sleep and the white noise.

"I'm not the best talker, and you don't have to say anything, but–"

"Not you too, Fred," Mel rolled her eyes, turning off the radio. "I told you I'm fine–"

"Exactly. I'd never seen you so calm about leaving Harry before, there must be something," He raised a brow.

"It's called growing up," She scoffed. "He's capable of looking after himself. You know it, I know it..."

"A real grown-up wouldn't avoid confrontation."

"That's rich coming from you, considering you keep hiding your products away from mummy."

"That's not fair, you know it's a safety measure!"

"Okay then," Mel stood up. "This is my safety measure. I don't talk about things that don't concern others..."

Fred caught her wrist and stopped her from leaving.

"Lady..."

"Using my nickname in that aching voice won't change my mind," She raised a brow. "Let go."

"Don't be grumpy, you're starting to sound real' bossy and you haven't gotten the Prefect badge yet!"

"Fred..." She tried to move. "Please, my head is killing me..."

"Did you guys fight?" He tilted his head, finally letting go. "I don't get why you fancy him if you're always bickering..."

"I don't like Harry."

"Yeah, right," Fred laughed.

"I don't," She tried to follow Sirius' advice and kept a neutral expression. "We went to the ball as friends. He saved me during the second task because I was his friend. What Skeeter wrote was rubbish, I don't fancy him."

"If you insist," Fred shrugged, but she could see he wasn't buying it.

He stood up as well and she realized, with a strange sense of accomplishment, that she was tall enough to reach his chin. She was about to point that out when something completely different came out.

"Why did you ask me to the ball?"

"What?"

"You said it was because you thought it'd be fun. Was that it?"

"Why does it matter?"

That was a good question.

Why did it matter?

But also, why not Fred? He was handsome, funny, smart...

It wasn't that she didn't like him, it was that she hadn't picked him. Sirius said there was more than one person for her, she just had to find them. Mel wasn't ready, but she would eventually, and if she could pick...

"It doesn't," Mel sighed. "I was curious, that's all. Ron used to think you fancied me, you know? I told them it was stupid..."

"Well, not stupid," Fred was quick to correct. "Just... I don't know, unlikely."

"Am I unworthy of your affection?" She joked.

He eyed her intently, like pondering the idea she had put out there. Suddenly, her mother stormed into the room.

"Harry was attacked," The woman blurted out.

"What?" Mel snapped, walking away from Fred.

"He's all right, but he used magic. The ministry has been looking for an excuse to get him– I'm afraid he just gave them one."

"Get him?"

"If we don't do something, he'll be expelled from Hogwarts."

"How– we're not– Do what?" She stammered.

"They're bringing him here," Her mother replied. "Harry's coming."

Next Chapter —>

Taglist.

@dee123ksha​ @vampiregirl1797 @siriuslysirius1107 @stardusthigh @mikariell95 @vernon-dursley @thesuitelifeofafangirl @tomshollandz @kylosleftbuttcheek @reverse-hxlland @bloodorangemoonlight @omiwashere​ @t-rexs-world

[daddyzanchez]

An early Christmas-smut gift from your Daddyzanchez! I am wishing you all a great holiday with food, family, presents and love.

2000 words - erotica - F/M, Christmas, lingerie, dirty talk, vaginal sex, fingering, creampie

Link to story on AO3: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21921793

A Very Rickdiculous Christmas Present

When December started, Rick would usually start complaining, and when you tried out several techniques to get him into the Christmas spirit, like singing carols whilst cooking (much to his annoyance), he would usually say that the only spirit he could get into was that of vodka and then, with a shit-eating grin, he would hold out his little metal flask, a look of triumph on his face, before taking a sip.

“Rick,” you sighed, standing in front of him and pressing your hands into his chest, “It’s Christmas. We’re going to your family’s house on the 25th, aren’t you just a little excited?” 

“Chri-christmas is a wa-waste of time, might as well just have a pain-in-my-ass family dinner and bring a present,” he scoffed down at you, looking almost bored at the topic that usually had people on the edge of their seats in excitement, “Some guy walked on water and now people want to sh-share gifts to celebrate him? Don’t they know that they stole the whole concept from the Germanic peoples in Europe?”

“It brings people together, Rick,” you replied, hands sliding up to cup the back of his neck. You slide your fingers into the hair there, earning you a tiny smile from Rick. 

“So do funerals,” the answer made your smile fade and you sighed, rubbing his shoulders again, but Rick’s expression didn’t change a bit. 

“But it is about being with your family in a happy way and there’s also the joy of giving,” you tried again, pulling gently at the lapels of his lab coat. You pulled him down towards your mouth, but he hovered just above your lips. He was drunk; his breath smelled like alcohol and it made you crinkle your nose. 

“Y-you love the joy of receiving more,” he snorted and you let go off him with an annoyed sound and a roll of your eyes. Of course, he would turn a talk about Christmas into an innuendo. He let out a dry laugh at your face, “Sorry, baby, but the Christmas spirit is non-existent in me. I-I-I plan on being in the garage while we’re there, rather than listening to Jerry painfully trying to remember the words to s-several Christmas songs sung by Sinatra.” 

“Is that a challenge? Getting you into the Christmas spirit?” You winked at him, taking a few steps back to look at him properly. He seemed genuinely surprised that you hadn’t backed down already; apparently, he was not used to a person crossing him.

“Try me,” Rick simply replied, fishing out his flask, “You’ve already attempted at persuading with tedious stuff.”

“Are there any rules?” You put on a sly smile, tilting your head.

“There are never any rules,” Rick took a disgustingly large gulp of alcohol. He looked arrogant as he looked down at your face, too sure of himself to even think that you wouldn’t play dirty. Oh, how wrong he was.

*

The day at the Smith’s house passed just as Rick had said it would; him in the garage and the rest of you in the kitchen, snacking on the food whilst Jerry complained about maybe ending up not having enough for the actual meal if you continued, but as much as he was annoyed, he still hummed along to the radio.

Rick sat down at the table to eat, only to leave again immediately after. Even Beth couldn’t convince him to stay, and later, you saw her giving you a slight look of pity as you were unwrapping presents, “Sorry about him. I sometimes don’t know how you can stand him.”

“This? You know how he is, rambling on and on about the capitalist system making Christmas into a highly commercialised holiday, Beth,” you laughed, “I made a bet with him though, so we’ll see if I can manage to get him into Christmas spirit.”

“Rick? Christmas spirit? Right...” Jerry scoffed in the background. You turned to him, holding in a laugh as you laid eyes on the ridiculously ugly Christmas sweater you had given him.

“I have my ways,” you smirked, sending him a wink and Summer looked horrified as if she saw right through you. 

“Oh my God, gross,” she mumbled, getting out her phone to hide behind it. You just laughed again.

“Oh God, get the image out of my head,” Jerry cried and Morty soon caught up on what you had been implying.

“That’s gross!” Morty followed along, Summer snickering at her brother’s disgust.

“So that is why there’s no present from you under the tree for him,” Beth pointed out.    

*

The two of you (mostly Rick) had agreed on going home for the night. The car ride had been pleasantly silent, your head resting from the constant attention you had to give to the Smiths. Though Rick was silent too, he was silent in another kind of way, as if he was waiting - you figured that despite Rick having made such an effort to tell you how much he despised the holidays, he still danced around you after realising that he had yet to have gotten a present from you. What he did not know, was that you were his present. 

After you both came home, Rick immediately stripped to his boxers and went to bed. You kissed him whilst mumbling that you would be right there with him soon.

Now, you were finishing up in the bathroom and Rick was unaware of what you were doing. Never in your life have you ever had such trouble putting on lingerie; especially since lingerie made you feel embarrassingly unsexy to begin with. 

You looked at yourself in the mirror, and after what had seemed like an endless battle, some part of you laughed at the fact that it would take a moment, well, maybe a few moments at the most, before it was off again. The set was christmassy; a big bow covering your breasts and after trying three different approaches, you had managed to make it cover you up nicely and leave something to the imagination - at least until you pulled the bow and it unraveled.

I should have practised this beforehand, you thought to yourself as you walked awkwardly down the hallway and the walk to your bedroom seemed eternal. Whoever thought it was a good idea to make sexy christmas outfits clearly did not care about comfort at all because things were definitely going up places they shouldn’t and when you finally stood in front of the door, you had to reach down and pull a piece of silk ribbon into place. 

Taking a deep breath, you opened the door and Rick, who seemed to direct his attention at you to say something, only opened his mouth to shut it again. He was speechless and you grew nervous; the pose you had tried to strike faltering a bit, “Rick…”

The surprise on his face was there for several seconds, and you could have sworn that in the dimly lit room, you could see a blush creeping up his neck to his cheeks. Finally, he started to crawl across the mattress to sit on the edge of the bed, and whilst his eyes went over your scandalous outfit, you felt beyond relieved that he had not laughed at you. 

“Hoe, hoe, hoe, aren’t I lucky?” Rick whistled at you and you could only start giggling, taking a few steps as he beckoned you with his finger, “I-is this my present?”

“What does it look like?” You walked over to him as close as possible and by instinct, he reached out to place his hands on your hips.

“Can I unwrap you?” Rick asked, his hands running up your body to brush his fingers over the red silk of the bow “Now?” 

You pondered the question for a moment but then gained a boost of confidence; you did look sexy after all. It made you push him down onto his back and straddled his hips, and before he could protest, you leaned down to whisper at him, “Unwrap me? That’s not how we do it here, I want you to rip it off of me, Rick.” Fuck if your skimpy little outfit was torn, you had already agreed with yourself that you would not wear it ever again. In fact, you wouldn’t mind seeing Rick tear it to pieces before he fucked you senseless; that was how much you hated it. 

“Rip it, baby,” you cooed when his hands came up to bunch themselves up in the fabric. He looked hesitant for a few seconds but then pulled the outfit apart, the noises sending a shiver down your spine.

“Oh my,” Rick smirked as his eyes traveled down your now fully-exposed body, “Just what I wished for, h-h-how did you know?”

“I know you like the back of my hand, baby,” you removed the remaining pieces of fabric, throwing them onto the floor before leaning down over him to brush your lips against his. It was not exactly a kiss, but it also was not, not a kiss, “Now tell me, what does my baby want for Christmas? I could suck your big cock? Let you fuck me on all fours - sit on your dick, ride you? You’re free to choose.”

“Fuck,” Rick groaned beneath you, trying to arch his back so he could meet your mouth with his own, but you pulled back as he got closer.

“Choose,” your voice was smug as you knew that when he had blood running to his dick, he could barely think, let alone make a choice, “I know what I want but this is about you…”

He seemed to pull together all the brainpower he could muster, and if it had been you, he would’ve sent you a remark on how he could practically hear the cogs turn in your head. Don’t strain yourself, he’d say.

Suddenly, he managed to manoeuvre you onto your back from where you had been on top of him. Finally.

“There we go,” you cooed up at him as he knelt in front of you. You let your legs fall open to make yourself irresistible, reaching down between them to spread yourself open with two fingers. You could feel your heartbeat in your pussy, sensing a tingle as you grew wet from him starting to come closer, “S- what is it gonna be?” 

“I’m still deciding,” he mused, crawling to position himself between your legs. He shooed your hands away, cupping your whole cunt in the palm of his hand. It made you want to grind against it, but he was too busy inserting two fingers into you and twisting his wrist so he could press them upwards against your g-spot. 

“Decide- oh, decide faster,” you shivered, eyes fluttering closed to focus on the two digits slowly making their way in and out of you. 

“I thought this was for me,” he teased, reaching up with his thumb to rub your clit in small circles. You felt yourself get more and more aroused, his fingers in your cunt starting to make an obscene wet sound.

“This isn’t exactly doing anything for you,” you arched your back as he pressed his fingers upwards again, “I think you’ve misunderstood… I’m yours tonight. You can do whatever you want.”

“Fine, y-you want it like that? If you wanted to be treated like a little toy you got me for Christmas, you should’ve just said so, baby,” Rick pulled his fingers out of you again, leaving you empty without as much as a warning. His change of character was exciting, a little frightening even, as you weren’t sure what was next. It had you incredibly wet.

With a pleased grunt at the gasp you let out, he grabbed your hip to flip you onto your stomach. Fuck yes. 

He spent little to no time making sure you were comfortable, keeping up his promise that you were not the centre of attention right now, but merely just an item that he could get off on; a pretty little thing to stick his cock in. It meant that you felt his big cock slide inside of you in the next moments, causing you to gasp and curl the sheets between your fingers. 

“Fuck,” you swore with gritted teeth and Rick simply chuckled behind you, moving slightly on the bed and you could feel every jerk of his body inside of you. 

You slowly felt his weight on top of you, reaching back to cup the back of his neck to get him as close as possible. He let himself be pulled down, moving your hair out of the way and pressing a lazy kiss to the back of your neck. 

He then started fucking you, showing no intention to take it slowly and build up the tension smoothly. He was rough with you instead, crashing his hips against your behind and sending you nearly flying forward from underneath him. 

You quickly learned you had to hold on for dear life if you didn’t want to tumble onto the floor at some point. Though the whole ordeal made it impossible to find the power to do anything but cry out - the feeling of his thick cock inside of you overpowering every other point of interest right now. It burned too deliciously

“Rick!” You chose to call out his name to stroke his ego, then added a bit extra as soon as your head wasn’t swimming from a particularly hard thrust, “It’s- ah, it’s so good, baby. No one fucks me like this.”

It resulted in you feeling a hand come up to fist itself in your hair as soon as you had finished the sentence. He had liked that then, and you suddenly felt his damp breath against your ear. He tugged harder at the tufts between his fingers and made it clear that he wasn’t doing it to be playful. Had you said something?

“You make it sound like there’s m-m-ore guys than me,” he half growled and half moaned. There it was: Jealousy over nothing. Usually you would’ve told him off, but right now it was sexy… The possessiveness that was triggered by a meaningless attempt at dirty talk. You wished you could see his face; the sweat dripping from his brow as his hips ground into you, his intense eyes and utter disgust at the idea of you being with someone else, followed by the need to remind you who did it best.

“Even if there was, I’d come crawling back for your cock,” you chuckled breathlessly, struggling to get through your sentence as you felt your cunt clenching around him, “No one compares. No one can make me come like I’m about to quite like you.”

He swore as he sped up, wanting to come as much as you, “Yeah?”

“Yeah,” you confirmed with a wanton tone to your voice. You could feel your orgasm building, your toes curling and above you, Rick’s breathing was laboured and only getting more frantic. 

“I’m gonna come,” he announced. You reached up to grab at the back of his neck like before, pushing your behind against him so he could go deeper. He hit the perfect spot.

“You better fucking come in me,” you demanded, seeing stars, “Shit… There, oh my God, there!”

Your words turned into incomprehensible babble as the first contraction of your orgasm washed over you like a wave. You clenched around him rhythmically, coaxing his orgasm to time with yours. 

It worked. You heard your name being yelled in the next moment and felt a hot gush inside of yourself with Rick coating your walls with his come. He might have said that what the two of you had just done had only been for him, but he stayed inside of you - knowing you loved the intimacy - for as long as he could muster until he softened and slipped out.

“Mhm… That was lovely,” you murmured when he rolled off of you. He chuckled in response, reaching for the box of tissues that was strategically placed on his night stand and handed a bunch of them to you.

You turned onto your back and wiped yourself down as well as you could before getting out of bed to clean yourself in the bathroom. You spotted the torn fabric on the floor, deciding to get rid of it tomorrow.

When you finally crawled into bed again, Rick was already under the covers and on his side. He was waiting for you, and much to his delight, you scooted as close to him as possible.

He kissed you on the lips, “Merry Christmas.”

“Wait…” Your face turned smug, “What did you just say?”

“You h-e-eard me, and I am not repeating it.”

“You do know that you’ll never hear the end of it, right?” You felt giddy, pulling the covers over yourself as well.

“Goodnight,” he grumbled.

“Don’t you mean Christmas-night?” You teased.

Rick sighed.

[raph8sblog]

🤍Dreaming of You🤍 Part V.

You didn’t remember how you managed to find home after that night, but one thing surely stucked in your mind. You thought, you maybe just imagined the whole situation, he truly disliked you why would he ask you to be his fake girlfriend just to make up for the sasaeng attack and help you get close to Felix again? You honestly didn’t believe it that this whole fake dating is a good idea. It’s useless at this point. Still, you couldn’t get out of your head. Maybe, he is right and you should give it a try? 

Hyunjin is so handsome and popular, that there is no one on this planet who wouldn’t want him to be her boyfriend. Felix never seen you with another boy before, also you guys never talked about your love life because every part of your life revolved around him. There is a chance that you can make him jealous with that? If there is really a slim chance, you have to try it just for your pride. But isn’t it better just let it go after all these suffering? 

Your phone’s ringtone brought you back into reality:

- Halo? - you asked, still sleepy. 

- Y/N, where are you? - all the tiredness eventually gone, when you heard Hyunjin’s voice from the other side: 

- Why is it important for you? - he just sighed at your incomprehension. 

- Do I have to explain it again?! Tonight, you should come over to the dorm! I want to introduce my new girlfriend. 

- Listen Hyunjin, I don’t think that I’m able to do this. Yesterday, maybe I drank a little bit more than I had to. That’s why I agreed on it, but now that I’m sober I see things differently. 

- Nope, there is no coming back! Y/N.... I was so generous that I offered you this once for a life time chance and now you say that you can’t do it? You have to realize what a kind person I am! - “Kind, my butt, you annoying prick!” - you thought to yourself and tried not to say out loudly: 

- You have to ask someone else! Just let me die in peace from sadness, okay? 

- Nah, you come over tonight and wear something fancy, like yesterday, also do something with your hair! It looks gross! - you almost chocked on your own saliva, this boy seriously, you just want to slap him: 

- Wa... Wait...

- Okay, then let’s meet at 6 infront of the building! Bye-bye honey! - he said with a cheerful tone and then, hanged up the phone. You wanted to scream from your building nervousness. There is no way, that anyone can believe this absurdness! You are not even at the same level with Hyunjin, how can you make a glow up till your encounter? You have five hours to do something with yourself and look a little bit more pretty than your usualself. 

This might won’t be a bad idea, you hoped Felix will see you in a new light after tonight. 

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

You were a little bit more lucky today, because one week before, you made an appointment to a hair salon. Your hair was freshly dyed and perfectly adjusted, also you was wearing one of your new clothes. It was a white, sleevless mini dress, with heart patterns but because of the weather you underneath it put a pastel pink blouse on. Also, you did your makeup as well. At the last minute, while you were waiting outside of the dorm’s building shaking from the cold and because of the excitement in your uncomfortable higheels, you realized that now you are really doing this and from now on you have to do your best and use your so far non existing acting skills to make this whole fake dating an ostensible true one. 

Hyunjin came right on time, he was so good looking that you almost forgot about the fact, how much you disliked him a moment ago. He was also suprised, that you looked different than usual, and this different look absolutely made you stunning: 

- Y/N, you are not that bad looking after all... - you nearly smiled at his compliment,  when he opened his mouth again: 

- But of course, you have to try harder... See, this is what I’ve been talking about, Mia and I would look fantastic together but now, they are just an average couple and you and I... Well, it’s better if I not speak about it. - you pinched his arm, and he cried out from the sudden pain: 

- Who do you think you are?! What if you left a mark on my soft skin?! I will break up if you do this again! 

- I will be the first one who dump you! Why are you always act like a dramatic diva? Stop it please! 

- Y/N we just started this but you already dancing on my nerves! - you shook your head and turned around: 

- I will leave then! - unbelievable! He is so rude, regardless of the fact that you have to make a plan before going inside because you guys have to face with a real cheering couple. Namely Felix and Mia were chilling at the dorm because they didn’t have any practise this afternoon and after he told the boys about their relationship, the dorm became a safe place for them. 

- Okay, be happy! Sorry Y/N, now pretty please behave and be a little bit more cooperative. - you gave up,  being offended won’t make things better: 

- What should we say first? 

- I will do the hardest parts, you just have to follow my lead and nod to everything! Uhm... - Hyunjin hummed, while he was searching for something in his pocket: 

- You need to wear this. - he put a silver ring in your hand, your heart sinked: 

- Is this, some kind of joke? 

- No, it’s matching! - he showed up his forefinger with the exact same ring on it: 

- It’s so cheesy and cringe worthy! - you complained. 

- What did you just say Y/N? - he asked in a faked kind way, which made you shiver: 

- Nothing Hyunjin, just please can we get through this before I change my mind?

Being in the elevator, waiting for to reach the floor where the dorm was. Probably became the most nerv wrecking moments of this day. When it’s finally arrived, both of you took a deep breath: 

- Ready? - he asked you in front of the door, you just quickly nodded with fear in your eyes. 

It was strange being here again, but with a totally different aim, not with the intention to visit Felix. So, you were standing there, when the others finally realized that somebody entered the dorm. Felix was the first, who turned his head towards you. He was laying on the couch, with Mia in his arms, they were playing video games together. You tried everything to keep your calmness but it was difficult. “Do you really wanna do this?” - the question repeated itself all over and over again. 

- Y/N! - Felix stood up from the couch and rushed to you, his happines was wriitten on his face: 

- Did you read my letter? That’s why are you here? I thought I’m gonna lose you, I’m so relieved now... - then Changbin also came out from his bedroom: 

- Y/N I’m so happy that you are here! Woah, do you feel better now? I love your new hairstyle! - you almost blushed at his comment but you were too nervous because of Felix. 

- Noona! - the moment, when Jeongin saw you, he covered his mouth and his eyes were in agape: 

- You look incredible Noona... 

- Hey Jeongin, don’t you have any homework to do, rather than playing the all grown up? - Changbin noted. 

- Hey guys! - Chan also came out to the living room, he quickly greeted you with a hug: 

- How is your injured head my aussie sister? You look stunning today as well! - then, Hyunjin got enough from your praising, also Mia, she was still sitting on the couch, sending death glares at you. The chill runned down on your spine: 

- I arrived home as well and no one care about me? - Hyunjin said with a false cute tone. 

- I would care about you but you lied to us! 

- Exactly when did I lie to you Changbin? - he asked. 

- You said, you are going to introduce your girlfriend as well! I don’t know, maybe I’m blind but no one came with you... 

- Really, imagine this Y/N he told us that he has a girlfriend after I revealed my relationship with Mia! - Felix was giggling but you still didn’t want to respond to him, firstly because you didn’t know how to answer after all: 

- Are you guys idiots? I came here with my girlfriend! - Minho was in silence, from the moment you two arrived but then he couldn’t stand this foolishness anymore and made a sarcastic comment for the situation: 

- Then, where is your girlfriend? She is playing hide and seek? 

- Y/N IS MY GIRLFRIEND! - he managed to say it out loud but still it’s sounded hilarious. Everyone started laughing: 

- Wait, are you serious? - Chan asked, when he saw that you are not laughing with them: 

- Is it serious Noona? - Jeongin asked as well. Felix stopped laughing and stared deeply into your eyes: 

- I-It’s can’t be serious right Y/N? He never liked you! - you tried to form out a coherent sentence but you couldn’t reply: 

- You never heard that expression before that hate is almost love? 

- Hyunjin stop this nonsense, we all know it’s not true, am I correct Y/N? - seeing Felix’s astonished face was your main goal but now it felt a little bit different rather uncomfortable than satisfying: 

- It’s true! We have matching rings as well, like a proper instaworthy couple, see? - he grabbed your hand and show the rings to the others: 

- I don’t care about it! I want to hear it from her! Answer me Y/N pease say it’s not true... 

- What if it’s true? Who cares about them? They are just tryna copy us babe... - Mia added and rolled her eyes. 

- Then, is it true? - his face became paler, yours as well, but still you had to respond: 

- It’s true Felix. I’m his girlfriend now. Aren’t you happy? - you asked the same question as him, when he told you about Mia for the first time. He just listened to your words in a complete shock: 

- Can we talk? Come to the rooftop... now... - is he really planning to leave his surely annoyed girlfriend here and go up to the rooftop with you?

- Felix, don’t try to hurt her again! Because of you, she suffered enough! What do you want to do now? Y/N don’t go with him... - you just stared at the  ground, you were curious about what Felix is wants to say but you didn’t want to obey him: 

- Hyunjin, it’s okay, I can handle it, he is my friend after all, or he was once. 

- “Once?” So, now that you have a boyfriend? Am I forgotten? I was the one who introduced him to you! Also, you said you hate him, and he hates you as well! Why are you suddenly together with him? If he was a prick with you! 

- Don’t talk about him like that! - you never thought, not even your wildest dreams that you are gonna be on Hyunjin’s side against Felix. 

- Is he offending me? - he asked you, because you and Felix were talking in english. 

- Not important just let me settle things down, okay? I will go up with him now. 

- You shouldn’t Y/N, he is trying to control your emotions... Remember, what happened with you because of him! - “and because of you” 

- Don’t worry h... - everyone was watching at you right now, but you know that you have to say out to make things more offical and real: 

- D-don’t worry ho... hon.. honey... - finally, but your tone sounded like that you are cursing him not pet naming him: 

- “Honey?” - Changbin repeated the word in disbilief. 

- I will be right back. - Felix glanced at Mia and after back at you: 

- Follow me. - his voice was so deep and scary that the pace of your heart became faster. 

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

It was nice, being on the fresh air again, after all the drama. But, it was just the beginning of this craziness. The sun already went down, the sky seemed cold blue and unfriendly: 

- Do you planned this? Saying that you are hate him and dating behind my back?! I thought we are real friends, I told my secrets and you didn’t tell yours! What the heck Y/N? Are you gone mad? - you never seen him that furious before, it was truly scary: 

- Why is it so bothersome to you?! You are dating as well! You are happy as well! Then, why are you acting so immature? 

- Immature? Am I immature? You are the immature one Y/N! He is not your type, he doesn’t deserves you! - at this moment, your emotions break loose, you couldn’t hold it in not even for a second, it meant too much pressure, you had to tell him: 

- You are telling me that he doesn’t deserves me? I think you are the one, who never deserved me! I loved you Felix! Dammit! I loved you so much, the feeling even kept me awake at nights! Always worrying about you, always praying for your health, and career! I just wanted to see you happy and whole again! I hoped that you became famous and reach your dreams! I never burdened you with my love, I never wanted to bind you to myself... - you try to hold in, you didn’t want to cry, but it was impossible: 

- Y/N... You were in love with me... ? Since when? 

- From the moment we first met. I was in love with you.... I was in love with you when we seperated, and I was in love with you when we started to become friends again... I never forgot to love you, regardless of the distance. 

- You never told me about this!

- It was so obvious! You were just too blind to see, also maybe you didn’t want to see it, because then you would had to face with the fact and refuse my feelings! Of course it was more comfortable not to notice.

- No, Y/N... Let me explain it, did you read my letter? 

- No, I’ve deleted it. - you admitted. 

- What? 

- I was serious back then in the hospital... I don’t think we can be friends from now on.. I feel like, you just used my adoration and kindness because I always supported you and I always wanted to be there for you no matter what... When the saseang attacked me, you just thanked me that the victim wasn’t Mia. Do you know, how painful is your selfishness to me? You have no idea, what I’ve been through... - Felix looked at you and there were tears in his eyes, you gulped, you never imagined that you will see him like this, because of you he was crying? 

- Y/N, please... Listen to me just once... Quit dating with Hyunjin... It’s not real, I know it can’t be... He is not the right one for you. 

- You were the one, who is not right for me Felix.. Not him. - you wanted to walk away, but he grabbed your hand in panick to make you stay: 

- Let go of me! - you raised your voice: 

- Y/N you can’t do this with me, don’t go back... - he pleaded, but you didn’t listen just relased your hands from his and turned around: 

- Wish me luck Felix... 

- I won’t. I won’t say congratulation either, because I don’t want this relationship to last! 

[vinterskald]

f0xx0rzz hat auf deine Bilderserie geantwortet “All of my ESO characters together ��”

also you take such good screenshots wtf

i want to know about all of them but I dunno what to ask omg. would you infodump about em??

OH SURE THING (and also sorry that this took me 34346 years to get to)

I’ll have to try to keep this short haha, but I’ll just go ahead and put this behind a read more and link their respective images so that it doesn’t get too confusing.

So!! First off, we’d have my main - my sorcerer healer Manerion. He’s... basically me, character-wise (introverted ball of anxiety full of love for everyone!!), but besides that he used to be an alchemist and tea vendor in Shimmerene before the Planemeld. Most of my characters are vestiges, actually, and so is he, and his life after his death involved a lot of stress he really didn’t want to get into. (i.e. all the quests, everywhere) He ended up joining the Psijic Order and nowadays spends most of his time studying the nature of reality and growing artificial aetherial fragments in his garden, as one does. If the game would allow me he’d have a beautiful cottage on Summerset Isle with a large garden where all his friends live together with him and some sheep.

Meirion is my stamina warden, a Bosmer who... sometimes cares about the Green Pact (which is made a whole lot more difficult by his lycanthropy). He was found on the shores of Khenarthi’s Roost by Manerion and Zanrhuni and they’ve been friends ever since, even though he had to end up joining the alliance war (and was politely kicked out of the Dominion’s forces in Cyrodiil before the end of the Planemeld when his lycanthropy came to light). He’s a bit brash and tends to be perceived as very rude, but he’s an incredibly loving and warm person and very touchy-feely around his friends. He venerates both Y’ffre and Hircine and plays the harp.

Eldhraun, my Breton stamina nightblade, is basically Manerion’s adopted daughter, since he was the one to rescue her from Coldharbour and subsequently cared about her once it came to light that her entire family had been killed. She’s very insecure and easily startled, and ended up as a member of the Dark Brotherhood, though she realised at some point that it might be better to distance herself from that a little. She’s very kind, which kind of stands in conflict both with the profession of being an assassin and the fact that she’s a vampire, though adopted dad #2, a certain count from Rivenspire, tries to teach her to use those powers to the best that she can. Started to feel a certain pull to Mara after staying on Summerset Isle for a while.

Zanrhuni-ko!! She’s a templar healer, and used to be a priestess of Meridia before the Planemeld, secretly practising at a temple of the moons. She’s the mum friend of my characters, very much lawful good and rarely questions anything, also the only one of my characters who has children but I’ll have to work on that bit a little more as I play through Elsweyr. Sometime after or during the Planemeld, she was badly injured while exploring a Dwemer ruin, but a malfunctioning (or not - who’ll ever know?) Dwemer spider “repaired” her, hence she’s now full of metal parts she doesn’t quite understand in her torso. Ended up falling in love with a bard in Rimmen. 

My one and only tank, Sirrush, is an Ashlander Dunmer dragonknight. Basically your average genderfluid aro ace bastion of anger towards everyone - or so it seems, at least. Sirrush is incredibly protective, especially towards Hlífhildr - the two of them met in a very similar way that Manerion, Meirion, and Zanrhuni did. Probably has a knack for making cute little stuffed toys or something, and has a baby netch (or at least I act like it’s one, since it’s actually a swamp jelly...). Sadly Sirrush’s lore isn’t very fleshed out yet apart from that.

Hlífhildr is my Nord dragonknight healer, very open and friendly. Her father was a wandering Breton priest of Arkay, and her mother died young, hence she was mostly raised by her elder sister. Shortly before the Planemeld, her sister went to study in Winterhold, leaving Hlíf alone, who was however killed shortly after. Alive again on Bleakrock Isle, she met Sirrush, and the two have rarely been separated since then. At some point after that, she contracted lycanthropy, and learned a lot on how to control it thanks to Meirion (who she knew because all my vestiges know each other bc!! reasons).

The rest of my characters aren’t supposed to be vestiges, starting with Loryerandilwe. She’s my nightblade healer, and I think “neutral evil max height Altmer vampire and devotee of Mephala” sums her character up pretty well already. She used to be a high ranking Sapiarch, but there were some... disagreements, so since then she lives in her vast estate in the north of Summerset Isle with her girlfriends, occasionally haunting the wilderness at night when she gets hungry. Because I’m absolutely incapable of making truly evil characters, however, she does have some kind spots in her soul, which includes trying to help Eldhraun get back on track after she decided to not stay with the Brotherhood anymore.

Oh right Varunirnion is just a product of my laziness. If Manerion had already existed back when Morrowind came out, he would certainly have been a warden, but since wardens weren’t a thing back then I recreated him a couple hundred years younger so that I could have a warden healer, finally. (I need to have a healer for every class, after all..........)

Vidhusari-daro was born this weekend lmao. She’s a magicka warden damage dealer, and her lore isn’t 100% finished yet, but so far my ideas are - was born in Alabaster, but orphaned at a very young age when her entire family got sick with the Knahaten Flu. She was taken in by a group of Namiira cultists, but she left them in her early teenage years when some Baandari traders came by the settlement where she lived. She went with them, learning to sing and play the esraj and other instruments, hoping that one day she would find out more about her heritage. I’m hoping that once we get to Pellitine I can finish up her lore, because she’s supposed to go back to Alabaster or to some temple of S’rendarr close to it and stay there, and find out that she’s from an influential line of bards or. something. we’ll see.

Annnnnnnd finally, Falvyon. He’s my necromancer healer and an absolute baby. He grew up in Kogoruhn because his family descended from House Dagoth, and learned the arts of necromancy from a teacher there. Most there weren’t a big fan of that, but decided it was still acceptable as long as it somehow would help the goals of the house. When most of the people there were killed there (basically during the quest in the Forgotten Wastes...), he was able to flee, but since he’s pretty much your average “weird kid who can’t talk to people and plays with dead things,” it didn’t take long for him to be discovered. Obviously Manerion, as soon as he met him, went “oh damn I need to take care of him” so he ended up travelling to Summerset Isle with him and his merry band of friends, where he pretends to be Manerion’s “assistant” who specialises on literature on enchanting.

Haha oh damn that. that is a wall of text. Sorry.

[biarology]

Past’s Future but Today’s Past

Oops, I haven’t written for a while. The last post says “3 years” but I am pretty sure its closer to 4. Imagine all the crap in my head that wasn’t released. That explains a lot.

Before I start my travel blogs here’s a summary of the last 3-4 years:

·       June 2015 – Mental breakdown with the tip of the iceberg being a friendship breakup. Man that hurt, more than romantic relationships. I guess because you don’t expect them to end? I broke my hand. Punched a marble wall in an elevator (crying and alone). I would have been pretty upset if it didn’t break actually, because a marble wall is pretty hard. Embarrassingly, I still couldn’t, and probably can’t punch properly, with the fracture being in the 5th metacarpal. The rest of the iceberg included: over working, over investing emotional energy into work (but how can you not, you’re working with people)(I’m much better an learning not to now), my half-sister was going through a court case against her step father for fucked up shit.

·       July 2015 - went to Bali with my friend for like 2 days lol (with a cast around my arm), because that was booked ages ago. Road tripped down from Darwin to Brisbane with Mum. Long days, long drives, but loved watching the scenery change. Great photos but they’re on Instagram a million scrolls down now. Stayed with my brother and his ex and their dogs and cats for about a month. Mostly in bed.

·       August 2015 – moved back down to Gosford and half lived with my parents there, and sister in Sydney. Got a job. Moved to Sydney in about October although work was contract and started on very low hours (~4). So I lost my $17g in savings towards someone else’s mortgage because independence is important to me.

·       Throughout Sydney time:

-          I got to know sister and sister in law better, they looked after me insanely. And gave me a cat, Dot. Who I love. And miss.  And then my twin moved back and away again but that was the best. Got to work with parents better.  Rekindled friendships, strengthened friendships, and made new ones. There’s too many of them but they know who they are. they are amazing, and again I don’t know what I’d do without them. Visited Grandam more (so hard to leave). I contracted for a total of 5 companies. And learnt boundaries and “my worth.” One company I’m still working for because they’re amazing and the boss has somehow managed to instil all my own values into the culture of his company. I also life modelled a fair bit. Went to Thailand for 5 days and NZ for 5 days plus some other roadtrips around Aus. Brother was pretty scarily low but now he seems good.

-          Saw a psych for a year or 2. Had panic attacks. Exercise is awesome etc.

-          I have(had...still weird to say) a boyfriend. For a year. He was good. I learnt how to be vulnerable and trust romantically, I learnt more about my needs and boundaries (lots of boundary learning over the last few years – professional/personal). He also taught me how to cook better (well the idea of cooking better not sure if I have practised it that much), and he always tried/s to enjoy enjoyable things, which sometimes I’m not very good at because my mind is probably stressed about something else. We lived together for 6 months. He now has my cat. I’m so glad they have each other and I miss them. Everything has felt so surreal since I actually decided I need to leave. I needed to leave because travel has been on my to-do-list, and work visas have age limits and my age is limited, so Im actually pushing it. Plus, I was just not coping there. We had different goals (travel vs settle), and some different values.  I’d had my mind set on leaving after my sister’s wedding and though I tried to push it back, I couldn’t. And maybe that made me more focused on the negative? Anyway, needed to travel and that’s what I’m doing.

I think that’s most of the 3.5 years summarised. Hhhmmm 3.5 years in 519 words :/

Awww I had some points for the future in my long last post. And now it is the future. Cute.   To conclude I’ll just address comments in that post, sentence by sentence:

-          Still have lots of love

-          Don’t really like myself at the moment though tbh

-          I no longer try to beat box, I forgot that I was doing that

-          I stopped listening to podcasts while driving in July 2017 because I realised it was contributing to my stress and fatigue – as I was never resting, always on the go

-          Body composition even worse now, wish I had what it was then lolz

-          Face/acne – improved once I went on the pill, came back when I stopped repeat etc. Didn’t come back once I ceased/decreased gluten/dairy

-          So was single for 54 months, and felt the same most of that time – content alone, occasionally lonely. Single again now, apparently.

-          Anxiety and depression. Always there. Quit the degree though so no more assignments, though that stress enjoyed report writing

-          Oh man did depression and PMS symptoms improve with diet and exercise! So much! I get cramps and nipple tenderness PMS, IF my lifestyle is shit, when its not, I don’t know theyre coming (have to rely no app haha)

-          Past/regret – still don’t regret things, as I look at everything as teachings. Though I regret eating so much chocolate

-          Future! I have not done WA. I am in Asia right now!! But haven’t organised any volunteering yet. Also not sure when/where/what, I currently need a break from helping people ( a bit drained from Sydney work)(I need to fix that Boom/Bust pattern of work and crash…). Don’t know about hiking at the moment I’m pretty unfit. Haven’t learnt guitar. I think I looked into it and didn’t know where to start so gave up.  Gymnastics didn’t improve much but sister got me into more climbing! Drawing improved a little with life drawing groups.  Boy did I fix up those dreads (Jess and I combed them out). Still haven’t done Martial Arts but planning to do a Kung Fu/Meditation retreat in a few weeks in Thailand. I better book that. Tomorrow… Am reading more – its apart of my bed time routine 😊. Oh I still need to learn how to write properly!! Grammar and vocab etc.

[anotherrevue]

A Grand Romance

When you watch too many movies, you get so bombarded with idealised notions of how the world should work that you’re automatically pushed to be a romantic or a cynic. Pride and Prejudice is one of my favourite books and I’m a sucker for You’ve Got Mail, so it’s pretty clear which side I fall on. And while I love me a good romantic epic, one of the love stories I’m most fascinated by took place behind the camera – and it’s between two people that you’ve likely never heard of.

Larisa Shepitko was born in 1938 in Soviet Ukraine. She was the daughter of a Ukrainian teacher and possibly an Iranian military officer, although sources conflict on this point. What we do know is that she graduated high school when she was 16 and was immediately accepted into VGIK, the state-run film university in Moscow. If she had graduated only two years earlier, she might not have been accepted into VGIK because of her non-Russian descent. But this was after Joseph Stalin’s death in 1953, and Nikita Khrushchev had begun his decade in power by reducing the restrictions on art created in and imported to Russia. This led not only to an influx of non-Soviet and non-Russian art and expression, but also opened the doors for Soviet artists who were not from Russia (like Shepitko) to access Russian resources (like VGIK). This decade of reduced government control over art is known as the Thaw.

When she joined VGIK, Shepitko was the only female student at the institute. Her talent was quickly spotted by Alexander Dovzhenko, a professor, fellow Ukrainian and one of the most influential film theorists of that period (he fine-tuned Eisenstein’s montage theory which, inelegantly put, is “if a picture’s worth a thousand words, a series of video clips must be worth a million”). Shepitko made a name for herself as an original, someone whose style did not seem to be an evolution of anyone that came before her, but rather an authentic representation of how she sees the world. In a class filled with some of the most recognizable names in Soviet film – Tarkovsky, Parajanov, Shukshin, etc. – Shepitko was highly respected and well-liked. By the time she graduated, Shepitko was considered one of the most promising directorial talents in the Soviet film industry.

But before we get to that, let’s meet the other person in this grand romance. Elem Klimov was born in Stalingrad to a Russian family in 1933, and had vivid memories of fleeing with his mother and younger brother during the Nazi siege of the city. He wanted to be a fighter pilot, but soon after graduating from the aviation academy, Klimov decided he was better suited to filmmaking. He then joined VGIK, where he quickly became known for his skill at editing and, as his studies progressed, he would often practise his techniques by helping other students edit their work. Respected though his skills were, Klimov was not quite as well-liked as Shepitko, nor by her. He, in turn, kept his distance. So begins the story.

To graduate the film institute, a student had to create a graduate film rather than a thesis. Usually, these films were screened for the faculty and a few classmates and promptly forgotten. Not Klimov’s. His film was so well received that it was projected on the walls of the institute, and the film gained a moderate cult following amongst other students. Shepitko’s graduate film was a bit different. Whereas most films of this kind were personal or scaled down in order to save on costs, hers was a sprawling effort. It was the story of a freshly graduated engineer who is assigned to work on a collectivist farm during a heat wave. It’s a clear, simplistic allegory for Stalin’s perversion of Soviet ideals (a popular theme at the time), but what captured Shepitko’s mentors, peers and audiences was how visceral and real the film felt – because it was, in a way. Shepitko had convinced a cast and crew to travel to and shoot on the barren steppes of Kyrgyzstan in the summer when temperatures soared to over 50°C. 

It was so hot that the film would regularly melt inside the cameras, exacerbated by her insistence on exceedingly long takes. But there were no complaints about what on paper seem to be ridiculous demands, because she had subjected herself fully to the same conditions that she asked her actors and crew to work through. She did not rest in the shade but instead was out under the blazing sun for every single scene. As a result of this overexertion, she contracted jaundice and was briefly hospitalized. But she was determined not to waste her crew’s time so, ignoring doctor’s orders, she soon returned to set. She was too weak to stand, but somehow managed to complete the film from a stretcher. But then came editing. In those days, editing required just as much, if not more, physical control and precision as actually filming the movie, since it involved physically cutting a strip of film with a blade and taping it to another strip, over and over again, in the exact right spots, taking particular care not to damage it. When Shepitko returned to VGIK, she was still in no condition to be so precise – turns out, jaundice is kinda tough to beat if you’re not actually doing the rest and recovery thing – and she had to resort to the resident film editor, a one Elem Klimov.

When Klimov saw the raw footage that Shepitko brought back, he understood the scale of her vision and dedicated himself to making obvious her talent through complementary editing. Together, they were a perfect combination of their styles and ethos. Nothing fancy – it’s a simple, slow-paced kind of a movie – but the fluidity of the scenes and the slight nudges he adds through quick cuts and insert shots liven up scenes that could otherwise seem stagnant. It seems more like a 90s arthouse flick than a student film from thirty years prior. By the time the editing process came to an end, they had fallen in love – but the film still had no name. So they made a bet: whoever came up with a good name for the film would win ten roubles from the other. Elem struck gold with Heat, Larisa grudgingly paid up and a tradition was born.

Remember the Khrushchev Thaw and how I said it was 10 years long? Well it ended almost immediately after the release of Heat. Brezhnev came to power in 1964 and he was much more of a Stalin than a Khrushchev. The officials at Goskino (the Soviet film ministry) got scared that Brezhnev might not appreciate a movie condemning totalitarianism, and one of them decided to ban Heat. It seemed like the end of freedom in Soviet film culture, but the directors from Shepitko’s generation had gotten too used to the freedom of the Thaw and many continued to push boundaries for the rest of their careers.

Right out of VGIK, Larisa and Elem married and the couple was an immediate hit in the Soviet film community. “He was tall and elegant; she was stunningly beautiful. They shared a Russian sense of irony, black humour and introspection.” They had decided to never work together again, not out of any dispute, but because they were well aware of the impact that could have on their reputations – particularly hers. At a time when you could count the number of acclaimed female directors on one hand (if you could think of any at all), they both understood that if they worked together, the nasty wheezes of bruised masculine egos would declare that “Klimov is actually the brains behind Shepitko’s movies, he just lets her take credit.” So Elem and Larisa, the young power couple of Soviet film, part ways professionally by the end of 1963, even as they enjoy an increasingly happy and supportive marriage.

Between 1964 and 1971, they each make 3 films, as well as a section of an anthology directed by Shepitko and two episodes of TV by Klimov. Over the course of these 8 years, they develop their own reputations as directors: Klimov, the dry wit with the light touch, and Shepitko, the intense, radically immersive investigator of the human condition.

Klimov’s first two movies, Welcome (a comedy set in a summer camp) and Adventures of a Dentist (a darker comedy about a dentist with an exceptional talent for pulling teeth painlessly), were satirical but not particularly incisive, while his third film, Sport, Sport, Sport is a weird compilation documentary from about the history of modern sports with a special spotlight on Soviet developments. The third was the only one of the three released wide across the Soviet Union. He was known as a clever but somewhat whimsical filmmaker, and someone who likely would not make a lasting impact.

Shepitko, on the other hand, was known for taking on ambitious projects and committing herself fully to making her movies. Although she had barely studied with Dovzhenko for 18 months before his untimely death, he had a profound impact on her ethos as a filmmaker. His greatest influence on her seems to have been the idea that the instant an artist lies or compromises their values in the making of art would be the absolute corruption of that artist. She would later say,

“every day, every second of our life prompts us to fulfil our everyday needs by making some kind of compromise […] But it turns out that while everyday life seems to let us cheat for five seconds and then make up for it, art punishes us for such things in the most cruel and irreversible way.”

Every film Shepitko made was true to her conscience without hypocrisy or moral compromise, but her humanist lens keep them relevant and decidedly not preachy. Today, the idea of a moralist filmmaker seems a little outdated and overbearing, a holdover from an era where cinema was the most easily comprehensible way to spread information and ideas. We now have the internet and anti-heroes are all the rage. Even when we get movies submerging themselves in questions of morality, there seems to be a general preference towards the existential nihilism of something like First Reformed over the moral maximalism of Mallick’s A Hidden Life.

Wings, her first proper feature film, explored the life of Nadezhda (Nadya), a Russian WWII fighter pilot and war hero who had, in the two decades since the war, sunk into a mundane existence as headmistress of a trade school. Throughout the movie, Nadya is often faced with either an uncomfortable, grudging respect from older generations who revere as a hero or callous indifference from her students, who were not alive during the war and can’t appreciate why she receives this respect. Wings brings up questions of survivor’s guilt and generational conflict through the study of Nadya and with Russian culture – for example, the name of the lost and listless main character, Nadezhda, ironically means “hope”. Wings was released to a limited audience but, to Sheptiko’s shock, almost immediately banned because of the public discussions it inspired about the mistreatment of veterans as well as the disconnect between parents and children.

Let’s talk about censorship for a second. In the Soviet Union, film censorship depended almost entirely on the interpretation of individual censors, with few (if any) hard and fast rules. This method led to a very unpredictable track record for what was and wasn’t acceptable. It also led to extremely subjective and prejudiced censorship on account of inherent biases. For example, Klimov’s Adventures of a Dentist was deemed too critical of Soviet culture. But when he declined to change anything in the film, the film was demarcated a Category 3 movie, which meant it could only be screened at age-restricted theatres. Meanwhile, when Shepitko declined to soften the messages of Wings, it was banned outright. She would continue to face these obstacles throughout her career, no doubt because she was a woman who had a “severe, non-womanly” style, but in large part because she was also Ukrainian.

Under Brezhnev, the USSR pushed for all Soviet states to be Russified, wiping out large swathes of local and indigenous culture in favour of Russian nationalism. Artists expressing any Ukrainian national consciousness in Ukraine or Russia were attacked, arrested and sometimes sent to gulags. Larisa Sheptiko was constantly under scrutiny from Goskino, made all the worse by her tussles with the censors over every movie she made, because every single one seemed to cross the line of acceptability. And due to her Ukrainian heritage, the authorities made “official efforts to ignore and repress her work as much as possible”.

It didn’t even matter how aligned with Goskino’s agenda her films were. For example, right after Wings, Shepitko took part in a historical anthology film celebrating the 50th anniversary of the October Revolution. But the realistic portrayal of the Bolsheviks – and Shepitko’s refusal to compromise – scared the Goskino and they destroyed the film, including Shepitko’s segment, The Homeland of Electricity. Another fairly simple premise steeped in Russian culture, it was the first movie where her directorial style had approached its full potential, with carefully crafted shots that explore the purposeful movement of the camera and the use of extreme close-ups. Jonathan Demme and PTA popularized the repeated use of shots where a character���s face fills the frame and they unflinchingly deliver dialogue looking right at the camera. But I think Shepitko uses it in the exact same way they do – to evoke empathy or provoke disgust or simply to ensorcell the viewer. I admit, this is where my ignorance shows; I bet other directors were doing the exact same thing before her, but Shepitko is the earliest example of this that I can think of. And as far as camera movement goes, she’s squarely in the Kurosawa camp, where every movement has a beginning, middle and end (this video essay explains it perfectly). Nothing wasted, nothing excessive, her movies are almost ascetically told.

Which is why I was devastated to find that Shepitko’s next feature film, 13th Hour of the Night or 13 PM, seems to be lost to time. Her first foray into colour, 13 PM is a musical comedy about various Russian and Ukrainian fairytale characters who get together to celebrate the New Year. The contemporary reviews indicate that it’s fun in a slightly demented way, and it’s almost unimaginable the often stoic style of Shepitko could give way to something so dynamic as a musical. Thankfully, her next film, You and Me, is similarly playful at times (it starts with a homage to the Bond movies), which is a bit surprising, since it was a nightmarish production for Shepitko.

By this time, Elem has taken a break from his career. He’s exhausted, not just from his own fights with Goskino, but also supporting Larisa through hers. Elem also seemed disenchanted after making a fluff piece like Sport, Sport, Sport; so when Larisa takes up You and Me, Elem is just along for the ride, making sure she doesn’t overdo it. Good thing he was there too, because this is the movie that kinda broke Larisa. The story seems simple enough: two surgeons who were classmates in medical school meet after years and compare their drastically different lives, goals and ambitions. The movie explores their regrets and their desperate attempts to make amends.

Of course, government bureaucracy and red-tapism made the production anything but simple: permits were hard to obtain, forcing the movie to be shot at an irregular pace. The cast and crew had to be ready at a moment’s notice because no one knew when a day’s permit would be issued and they had no time to waste. The crew supposedly worked at secretly reduced pay in order to keep the budget within reasonable limits. Yuri Vizbor, the lead actor of You and Me, later said: 

"We worked for Larisa, specifically, personally for her. She had faith and that was the reason. Faith in goodness and the need for our work, and it is this faith that was absolutely a material substance, which can be very real to rely on."

When asked for her reasoning behind choosing projects, Shepitko once said she only picked movies where she felt that “If I do not do it, I will die.” And she frequently approached the actual work as if she would be willing to die in the process, as long as she made a great movie. On the set of You and Me, she collapsed and reportedly had a heart attack (although she always denied it). While she was taken to the hospital, Klimov took over shooting for the day. Only for the day though – Larisa was back on set the next morning, pushing it right along.

The censors did not receive You and Me well and the movie was re-edited with a heavy hand, so much so that Shepitko lamented privately that it lost many of its central ideas. Shepitko fought tooth and nail to keep her movie uncut and uncensored, but the authorities sent their own edit of the film to the Venice Film Festival and it won the Golden Lion. It’s a testament solely to her prodigious skill that while so much of this movie had been chopped and screwed, there are still some shots and moments in the movie where her vision and style seem to shine through. As far as I can tell, that is the only version of the film that has survived.

After the disaster that was You and Me, she tried to revive herself by working on an adaptation of a famous Russian nationalist book, Belorussian Station. But the authorities caught wind of what was supposedly a clinical and pessimistic adaptation and shut her down before it could take off. At this point, Shepitko could not go on. She was so exhausted that she checked herself into a heart sanatorium for a short stay which was extended indefinitely after her initial mental fatigue compounded by a cold she caught there. Then, a few months in, she suddenly felt rejuvenated: “I came to the sanatorium without a voice, […] but […] the feeling returned that my cells are able to bear fruit."

But that newfound energy dissipated quickly, because she soon had an awful fall, leading to a serious spinal injury that would cause her severe pain for the rest of her life. The timing could not have been worse; not only was she actively pursuing new films but she found out around that time that she was pregnant. The recovery period from the initial fall, leading through to her pregnancy, instilled in her not a fear of death, but an anticipation and understanding of it. Larisa writes, “I sensually embraced the concept of life in its entirety, because I perfectly understood that every next day I could part with my life. I prepared for this. I will die.” She spent those seven months introspecting for the most part, but one of the few books she did pick up was Sotnikov by Vasil Býkaŭ. Sotnikov is a story about Belorussian partisans in WWII, and questions the strength of the human conscience and spirit in times of desperation and interminable struggle. Shepitko connected to this story and decided that she would make this movie if she survived long enough.

So, once Anton Klimov was born in 1973 with no notable complications, both Elem and Larisa embarked on projects that would take years to come to fruition. Klimov decided on a biopic of Rasputin, while Shepitko kept her word and undertook an adaptation of Sotnikov. Klimov’s movie, Agony, is his first attempt at making a historical epic and a serious drama. The production and release of the movie was troubled because of Klimov’s determination to portray Tsar Nicholas II as a three dimensional character rather than the snivelling caricature that was then pervasive throughout Soviet culture. Perhaps this obstinacy is something he picked up from Shepitko in his time off, but he refused to surrender his vision of the character. So Agony was delayed several times and, before it was finally released in 1981, it was re-edited to add footage that glamourized the October Revolution. As far as Klimov’s directorial style goes, it has some of his quirks but is narratively unfocused and generally not very interesting.

Meanwhile Shepitko had made significant progress in adapting Sotnikov. She got permission from Býkaŭ to adapt his book and immediately contacted an in-demand screenwriter, Yuri Klepikov, who was recommended a mutual friend. Klepikov was working on something but said he’ll start on Sotnikov after a week. Shepitko called him up and at the end of the conversation, he had already begun work on Sotnikov as his first priority. He says he "could not withstand the energy of the typhoon whose name was Larisa.” He soon sent her the script and Shepitko edited everything to perfection, down to the directorial decisions. The only thing she left to chance was the weather. After a four-year long struggle with Goskino over the script (which was viewed as being religious) and the cast (who were mostly unknowns and non-professional actors), she finally got the approvals she needed and started filming. 

The book, and therefore the movie, was set in the mountains after the first snow. Shepitko refused to shoot anywhere else or to fake the snow. The movie was shot outside, in a mountain village, in the freezing cold. This may seem like an over-commitment to realism – the actors could of course pretend to be cold – but it yielded some astonishing results. There is one particular scene where Sotnikov and Rybak (his companion in this mission) are pinned down and have to stay low to avoid Nazi gunfire and they end up rolling through the snow. I have never seen a movie where snow envelopes people so realistically and the actors look so genuinely uncomfortable and cold. Shepitko’s cast and crew seemed to understand how important this movie was to her, and they endured the harsh conditions in silence – as did she. Before every outdoor shot, she would sprinkle snow in her actors’ faces to keep them looking cold and fresh, but she’d have them to do it back to her. In scenes where the characters ran up a snowy slope, she – ignoring her residual spinal issues that had been exacerbated by the cold – ran alongside them, just out of frame. Some days, she would be so exhausted after the shoot that Vladimir Gostyukhin (who played Rybak) had to carry her from the car to the hotel room. The ingrained realism adds to the gut-wrenching impact of the movie as a whole.

Sure you hear director horror stories about extreme, ridiculously taxing shoots now and then – James Cameron nearly drowning members of his cast and crew on two different movies (The Abyss and Titanic) or Michael Mann filming parts of Miami Vice in an active gangland in the Dominican Republic – but those stories always end with everyone hating the director (after filming wrapped, the crew on The Abyss famously had t-shirts made that said “Life’s Abyss and then you die”). At best, you get the grudging respect that The Hurt Locker cast seem to have for Kathryn Bigelow. But Larisa Shepitko was apparently unreservedly beloved by everyone she worked with, because they had faith in her vision and trusted her commitment – and because she cared for them. Boris Plotnikov, who played Sotnikov, had to be dressed very lightly in the harsh Russian winter, so between takes, Shepitko would personally bring him blankets and warm drinks. And Gostyukhin, who also had extended scenes covered in snow, said the movie had “death in every frame” but that "It was worth it to die in the scene to be able to feel her gratitude."

When the film was finally finished in 1977, Larisa still couldn’t rest. She had gotten wind that the authorities planned to ban it and she along with so many others had sacrificed their time, comfort and health for her vision. At this time, Elem had gone through his troubles with Agony, which remained unreleased, and he was making his own WWII film about Belorussian partisans called Kill Hitler (cmon guy, you can’t just lift your wife’s idea like that). It was at this time that he had two great ideas. The first was suggesting that Larisa call the film The Ascent (or Ascension, depending on your translation). This was only the second time that either one of them had won the name game bet from their college days. Now ten roubles richer, he laid out a very rough Hail Mary scheme to circumvent Goskino. In the early process of making Kill Hitler, he had come into contact with Pyotr Masherov, the first secretary of the Communist Party of Belarus. Klimov asked Masherov to have The Ascent directly screened for the Belorussian government – a step which would bypass the Russian Goskino. Masherov, who had been a partisan in the war himself, did not believe that it could be an accurate representation of the war, in part due to what he expected to be “effeminate directorial work”, but agreed as a favour to Klimov. The screening was so important – and the film so freshly developed – that Shepitko herself was in the projection booth, controlling the sound mixing during the movie. She missed the entire screening and couldn’t tell how the audience had reacted. Her fears were compounded after the movie, when no one came out of the theatre for over an hour. She was sure that the film provoked some sort of negative reaction and had resigned herself to another gruelling, drawn-out battle with the censors.

Finally, the screening theatre began to empty and Elem found her and explained. Not only was the reaction positive, but Masherov had wept uncontrollably for several minutes after the movie ended, before giving what Elem described as the best speech he had ever heard about a film. Masherov said of Larisa, "Where did this girl come from, who of course experienced nothing of the sort, but knows all about it, how could she express it like this?" It was an incredible turn of events for both Larisa and Elem; they were still shocked a few days later when, at the insistence of Masherov, the Russian Goskino accepted The Ascent without any edits or changes.

The international reception was similarly ebullient: The Ascent won the Golden Bear at Berlinale in 1977 and Larisa Shepitko was soon hailed internationally and domestically as a true auteur and one of the USSR’s great working filmmakers. After the success of The Ascent, Larisa Shepitko seemed to have reached her full potential as a cinematic force of nature. Plotnikov, who instantly became a star, publicly referred to her as “a living genius” and the author of the story, Bykau, spoke of her highly to anyone who asked. But she was not one to rest on her laurels; she had already found her next movie. Farewell to Matyora was an ecological fable written by Valentin Rasputin, considered by many as a living genius himself. When Shepitko asked to meet him regarding the adaptation, he was quite determined to say no. He believed that it could not be adapted while staying true to the core themes messages of the book. But a few minutes into their first meeting, Rasputin found himself completely enamoured by Shepitko’s vision for the film and his “intention not to let go of Matyora" had been entirely forgotten.

Filming on Farewell to Matyora began in 1979, but Shepitko still had some locations to scout. One morning in June, she and four members of her shooting team set off to check out a new possible location. On the way, the driver fell asleep at the wheel. At 41 years old, Larisa Shepitko, the next great Soviet auteur, died instantaneously, along with everyone else in the car.

One week after the funeral, Elem was on set. If Larisa couldn’t finish Farewell to Matyora, he would do it for her. Elem finished the adaptation and, like he had twice before, came up with a more fitting title: Farewell. Only this time, he couldn’t collect the ten roubles. Farewell received mixed reviews: the critics appreciated the story and the visual beauty of the film, but noted that it lacked Shepitko’s focus and raw truthfulness.

Something in Klimov the filmmaker seemed to have changed in the process of making Farewell and Larisa. When he finally filmed Kill Hitler, it feels to me like he was guided by her emotional integrity and ethos. He renamed the movie Come and See and, upon release, it racks up all kinds of acclaim and awards. It is still considered perhaps the greatest anti-war movie ever made. It’s shocking and captures a lot of the same emotions as The Ascent, but where The Ascent is spiritual, Come and See is guttural. It is a movie solely about the brutality and perversion of war, but the thing that makes it so effective is that you don't just see the horrors. Several times we see the face of a character as a nightmare scenario plays out behind the camera – and when we finally see what the character was reacting to, the tension and fear has already seeped through to our minds and solidified in the pits of our stomach. This was something that Larisa Shepitko perfected early in her career, to heighten emotion and suspense in any scene by using an extreme, extended close-up on the main character's face.

With no evidence to support this except my own experience of watching their films, I think Elem, in the process of taking over Farewell and trying to stick to her style and her voice as much as possible, must have finally understood the desperation and the parts of her soul that Shepitko must have poured out into each of her movies. Klimov had never before made a purely sincere movie before Come and See - his earlier films were often satirical or a lens into history - and yet for this movie, he seemed to finally comprehend Shepitko's filmmaking mantra: "If I do not do it, I will die." While he was working on Farewell, Klimov had simultaneously made a short documentary called Larisa, a tribute and a sketch of her character – and perhaps a way to cope with her sudden absence. It’s not just a project borne of loss, but also a celebration of who she was, in her own words and in his. It’s really the story of their love, happy as it had been and tragic as it ended. 

I said this was one of my favourite love stories, and it's not just because it's about two people who met in when they were young and seemed to love each other and enjoy growing together as people before one of them died an untimely death (although hey has that ever been done?). No, to me, one of the great achievements of any kind of love is understanding. Not just being understanding of someone, but understanding their core being, who they are, how they express themselves and their intellectual being. It's a very simple sounding thing, but it’s rare to so fully comprehend someone else that they organically become a voice in your head. Come and See feels to me as much a part of Larisa's legacy as Farewell because it's directly influenced by her sensibilities, while being packaged in Klimov’s own style.

Come and See single-handedly cemented Elem Klimov’s position in film history and he too was positioned as the next great Soviet auteur, except her never made another movie. In 2001, he said, "I lost interest in making films… Everything that was possible I felt I had already done." He went on to become the First Secretary of the Filmmakers Union, and fought for the release of previously banned films, including Wings, Homeland and Heat.

There is only one taped interview of Larisa Shepitko that I could find, conducted at the Berlinale the year after The Ascent won the Golden Bear. Unfortunate as that is, I was a little relieved at first. Often, when I fall in love with a filmmaker’s work, I tend to be disappointed by what they are like in interviews. It’s as if they’ve channelled their entire ability to communicate into their movies. So when I finally got around to watching it, my heart sank. It’s not that she was boring, but she seemed uninterested in the interview and visibly tired. She was also clearly choosing her words carefully when answering questions about spirituality in The Ascent and her intended message – the show was taped in Germany but of course anything she said would be analysed by the Soviet government and she could face severe repercussions. But as the interview goes on, Shepitko gets more expressive and passionate and we see a tiny glimmer of the director who ran alongside her actors up a snowy mountain just so she could feel what they felt. By the end, I was quite taken aback by how little exaggeration went into those enthralled descriptions of her. With piercing eyes and a commanding voice, she was a striking presence who came across as funny, empathetic, quite energetic and, above all, a woman of her convictions. So it is a little bewildering – and an unhappy state of affairs – that she is remembered now, if at all, as the wife of Elem Klimov. In fact, if you Google “greatest Russian directors”, he’s the 11th suggestion while she unfortunately doesn’t make the top 50. The only reason I came across her story and The Ascent is because she’s mentioned in passing on the Wikipedia page for Come and See, which I’d come across on a list of the greatest anti-war movies ever made. It’s surprising – or perhaps entirely too predictable in a world that tries very hard to forget the existence of women filmmakers – that Shepitko has been buried under the sands of time. It’s about time Larisa Shepitko took back her place in the film canon.

 ------

PS: The good news is, if you want to check out her movies, The Ascent and Heat have been officially uploaded to YouTube for free by their distributors with English subtitles. They have also uploaded Wings, but without English subtitles, which is really inconvenient. The Ascent is absolutely the movie to see, but if you can manage to find Wings with English subtitles, it’s one of the most moving, fleshed out character studies I’ve seen in a long time.

[rogers-senpai]

Jonerys Secret Santa gift - My Muse - Jonerys Modern AU

This One-Shot is a christmas gift to the lovely @oadara ! Hope you like it, the gifset is in a seperate post.

I loved your idea of Jon being a piano prodigy, who meets Dany when he’s struggling with his passion for music, and I took the idea, twisting it a bit. I hope you like it anyway! Happy Holidays!

Jon sighed as he brought his palm to his face, trying to rub the exhaustion away from his closed eyes. Bringing his hand down, sliding it across his mouth, he decided he needed another cup of the disgusting coffee the little place had to offer. Disgusting it might be, but it was also strong, and that was exactly what he needed now to help him stay awake and finish the damn thing. He looked out the window, where winter was in its full power. Snow was falling heavily, and children were picking it off the cars they were passing by, marking the whole city with their handprints. The road was pretty much a swamp, and drivers were careful not to lose control on the slippery surface. It seemed like everyone was in a hurry, trying to find the best deals, the best gift ideas, afraid someone else might get it all instead. The closer the 25th was, the busier the streets got. Jon had to send all of the presents a while back, to Scotland where his siblings lived, and he wasn’t planning on a big feast, so he could just sit there in that cafe, toying with a pen, waiting for something to hit him. Studying at the Royal Academy of Music had been his dream since he could remember,  and he never regretted the decision of joining the elite group of their students until now. Jon has always wanted to be a musician,  everybody knew it and they also knew that he actually had great chances of making this dream a reality. When he wa just a kid, you could always find him in the corner of their surprisingly clean attic,  where Catelyn’s old piano stood,  then abandoned and covered with dust and soon brought back to life with Jon’s little hands and the awful sounds they were making, annoying the hell out of Robb and Sansa, and making little Arya and Bran wake up from their sleep. When he got in, he couldn’t control his excitement. He would be having piano, organ and composition lessons in the best college he could think of. That would open so many door for him, all he had to do was work hard each and every day. And he did, he really did. But now all classes seemed to last forever, as he could not focus on what the teacher was saying or bring himself to practise. He couldn’t even be happy about the winter break as they were told to compose something of their own - a reasonable request for seniors of that prestigious academy,  but Jon could not bring himself to even start. Ned and his wife Cat were the best parents any child could wish for. His father was the  definition of honorable and just, a rare thing in their world and times and the moral figure he hoped he took something from. Catelyn wasn’t Jon’s mother - he was  Ned’s child by a woman he knew before her - but she might as well have been. When he was left on their door,  an infant just a few months older than her own firstborn son Robb,  she took him and loved him and never held any hard feelings towards him. But anytime someone asked why he had a different surname - Snow instead of Stark, as his real mother decided, he still felt a sting of not being one of them - the Starks. And now they were both gone. They died in a car accident on their way back to Scotland, as they were visiting Jon in his campus . The whole thing still seemed surreal to Jon. They just got in the car, drove away and would never get to the destination. He was looking around to see if the waiter was anywhere near him, when someone stepped in front of him, clearing their throat, making his head turn in their direction. And when he did, he had to stop himself from gasping out loud. There stood Daenerys Targaryen in all her silver hair and violet eyes glory,  making his stomach twist and his whole body tense.  She was looking straight at him, and the little smile her lips formed was another punch to his guts. Jon could still remember vividly the first time he saw Dany in the Royal Academy halls back in their freshman year, and the happiness when he found out she was on the same year and would be having piano classes with him. At first it was just an attraction that turned into something more as he saw more of her personality,  heard her play the piano or sing in her angelic voice, when he found himself wandering to her vocal lessons or during college events. Or when he heard her just simply talk with her best friend Missandei. She was gorgeous,  intelligent,  good, confident, ambitious and talented,  and soon enough Jon was head over hills for her.    He was forced to awake from his thought as she made a surprised expression, flexing her eyebrows in the way only Daenerys Targaryen could, not noticing the change is his form or deciding to ignore it. “Jon, I had to make sure it was really you! I thought you would be in Scotland. Is this seat taken?“ she asked,looking at him questiongly, one brow still up. He tried to swallow whatever suddenly appeared in his throat. They had piano classes together, so it’s not as if they were strangers, he could act friendly without making it weird, right? He blinked a few times,  as if he was trying to make sure he wasn’t dreaming without pinching himself.  When he decided this had to be actually happening,  the butterflies in his stomach stirred as he shook his head. “Um, hi! No, si-, I mean, you can sit, I mean, if you want to. ” he forced out. Great job, Jon. She smiled a bit wider, not commenting on the awkwardness she heard in his voice, which he was thankful for. She hung her bag on the arm of the chair and having taken her faux leather gloves off, she proceeded to take off her checked scarf and  unbutton her black coat, leaving it on, her grey sweater now on display. He realized he’d been staring and quickly looked back to his almost empty music sheets, his cheeks turning a bright shade of pink. “Composing?” she asked, her curious eyes following his. He didn’t know why her seeing his work  and his struggles made him uncomfortable to the point he considered hiding it all in his bag, away from those wide pupils. Wait. They are wide. Doesn’t that usually mean… He stopped his thoughts from getting more ridiculous as he shifted in his chair, and lifted his left hand to the back of his neck. “Well, yes. You know, for class.” His response came out a lot lower and more quietly than he meant it to. He dropped his hand that was rubbing against the warm skin of his scruff, and started playing with the now empty cup. Recognition crossed her soft face. “Oh, right. The same thing Missandei is working on day and night. Even though she says it’s supposed to be short.” she shook her head, amusement clear in her voice. Missandei was Daenerys’ best friend, that much anyone could have got right after seeing them just once. They were close before coming to college and stayed together for all those years. Jon was in their piano classes, where they always behaved more like sisters than friends, and he heard that during their vocal classes, they made the perfect pair for any duet. Anyone would say they were tied together for good, but when Dany had her strings practises, Missandei went to composing lectures, the same ones that Jon attended. Daenerys stopped and glanced at the table once more. “Not feeling inspired?” she asked, noticing how little he’d been able to come up with. And little did she know, he wasn’t even happy with what he had on there. He shrugged, the butterflies calming down a bit after having exchanged a few sentences with her without making it too humiliating. “I guess not. Christmas preparation might have got the best of me.” he moved his shoulders once more, trying desperately to seem calm and laid back, not wanting her to see that the Christmas fever was not at fault whatsoever. “It’s all so tiring.” That much was true, the upcoming celebrations really did make it harder to sleep, but as he was not a part of the crazy shopping, it was not the reason for his recent insomnia. “Is that all?” she seemed to be trying to be very careful with her words, as she fidgeted her joined hands on the table. He was about to ask her what she meant, when the waiter came up to them, noticing the newcomer. She ordered a simple green tea and Jon asked for another cup of black coffee. When the man left, she wrinkled her nose and with genuine curiosity and disgust she said: “’Another’ cup? Meaning you drank it once and want more? Are you a masochist?” He laughed lowly, adjusting himself on the chair. “It’s awful, yes, but I need to get this-” he pointed his finget at the sheets spread actoss the shiny wooden surface, “- done. And that’s the strongest coffee I can imagine.” “That much I can agree on. Still not worth it in my opinion, though.” She put her elbows on the table, crossing her arms and resting her palms on her biceps.

“So, about your composing. You never used to have any problems, not from what I can remember.” When they had finals, they had to play something on the piano for the teacher to hear, and he always chose to perform his own work, something not many dared to do. After that, Dany would often ask him about it in the hall, congratulating him, which always made Jon feel like he was on the cloud nine, something Sam would tease him about for weeks. Jon noticed she was much more confident about the topic now, coming bac to the usual self. But he was still not willing to go any deeper into the matter. “Yeah, I guess. Stuff happens. Maybe I need to retire” he tried to crack a joke, hoping to change the subject to a one he could actually let himself speak freely about. Maybe some rest would suffice” she shot back.”Caffeine won’t replace a good night sleep, you know. And spending Christmas alone doesn’t compare to being with your family.” She was smiling as she said it, but he knew she was not being casual about it in the slighest. Noticing the confusion in his eyes, she sighed and moved her arms, resting her head on her palm. “I have eyes.I can see you during classes and I noticed you being so…distant. And now I see you here, when Sam told me and Missandei you were leaving to Scotland for Christmas, struggling to compose. You struggling to compose!” she was genuinely worried, he noticed. “Why do you care?” he didn’t mean to be offensive or rude, he really meant the question. They were close enough for him to call her his friend, they sometimes were assigned to work together, they went out with a whole group many times, but he couldn’t remember ever even having a real, deep talk conversation alone. She looked to her left, where the same waiter was just coming up with their order, the strong smell of his coffee, forcing them back to the crowded cafe. She flashed a beautiful smile at the man, and lifted the cup to her soft lips, as he was leaving. He watched her take a sip and it was only when she put the cup down that she responded. “Because I know what it’s like, Jon.” Ah, yes. She knew that it was his parents’ death that did this to him, it was probably obvious, he now realized. And she has been through something similiar herself. Back in their sophomore year, her father and one of her two brothers - the older one, Rhaegar - were shot in some incident in one of the the city centres of London. That left her alone with Viserys, as their mother died giving birth to her. They came from a rich family, so they were able to keep their lives together in that matter, but Jon knew it crushed her mentally, as Ned and Cat’s deaths crushed him those few months ago. He remembered that she had problems playing piano, as if the pain had blocked all of her abbilities, making her unable to do anything other that grieve. He noticed that the same thing could be said about him in the first weeks after he found out. But when Dany came back a month after the funeral, she was back in the game, laughing quietly during classes with Missandei, seemingly leaving the past behind. That was the part Jon was not able to get to yet. And it’s been past five times the time it took her. She leaned in a little bit, her arms again on the table. “I wanted to talk to you as soon as I heard about the accident, but Sam didn’t think it was a good idea. You didn’t even want to see him so I had no chances.” That’s where you’re wrong. “What makes you think you have any chances now?” Again, he didn’t mean the words to come off as harsh, he really wanted to know what made her go into this subject today. Maybe she knew him better than he thought, as she didn’t seem to be offended at all, as if she knew there were no negative emotions behind his words, nothing other than pure curiosity. “I didn’t actually. I didn’t even know you were still in the country. Much less in this very cafe” she smiled and took another sip. “Perhaps someone up there wanted me to talk to you either way.” “What is there to talk about?” His voice couldn’t get any lower. He brought his palm to the hot cup, not bringing it up to his lips just yet. “Maybe it’s what was meant to happen. Maybe I was not supposed to become a musician” he shrugged. She extended her arm, covering his big hand, the one not holding the coffee, with her petite one. “No, Jon. You know that’s not true. You already are a musician. You were born for it. This is just a setback, one you can overcome. How many great composers who have experienced grief and came back stronger, using the feelings for their work have we learned about? ”He knew she wasn’t expecting an answer, but he started thinking of one either way. “Well, quite a few. I would go with eig-”. She gave him a pointed look, that made him close his mouth at once, stopping the little sarcastic music lesson he had planned.He took a big sip of his black coffee, trying hard not to show any signs of his displeasure on his face face, knowing he probably failed completely. "You're missing the most important point. I'm not one of these guys" he said a bit louder, his voice still much lover than the tone she was using. He looked up to catch her rolling her eyes. Not in a rudely annoyed way, it reminded him of all those times Missandei was stressed about finals, freaking out she hadn't been studying or practising enough, when everyone knew she would end up with the best grades on their year. "I'm sure they all were just born and had an easy way towards being musical legends before them since day one" she shot back sarcastically, her head tilted a bit to her right, making his attention go to her hair, the wet and somehow still beautiful mess in her head. The pale curls were forced to lay flat on her head, brought down by the now liquid snowflakes. He let out a little bit of air with his nose, making an amused sound. “You know what I mean” he replied, taking the cup up once more for another sip, this time doing a better job of keeping straight face. She sighed and took her hand, joining it with the other one  in the air, elbows on the table. “When my dad and brother died, I thought it was the end of my musical career. How could I ever just come back?” her eyes drifted to her left, her head being filled with memories of that time. He tilted his head, watching her. “But you did.” She nodded, her eyes coming back to looking at him. “I know sharing your feelings is not your forte, so listen to me talk about mine” she said, flashing a wam smile, making the fogotten butterflies in his stomach stir. He made a little movement with his head, telling her to go on. “I lost my passion for music then as well. It just didn’t bring me the same joy anymore.” He shifted in the uncomfortable seat, not taking his eyes off her for even a split second. He might have imagined it, but he could swear her eyes followed the movement of his arms, seemingly admiring the muscles visible through the tight long sleeve dark grey shirt. “As you know, I don’t compose. My struggle was with bringing myself to practise piano or vocal, I couldn’t make a single right sound, it was driving the proffesors crazy. You’ve only seen half of it in the piano classes” she chuckled. “I was late to almost all my classes, because I couldn’t sleep at night. I see you share some of those symptoms” she looked pointedly to the dark circles under his eyes and then the bug cup of coffee still in his hands. “What made you come back to normal so quickly?” A month was probably a lot of time to stop being a zombie, and just start living with grief like a normal human being, but to him it seemed abnormally short. “I know everyone grieves differently, but I’ve never heard of someone act like a shell of themselves for over five months. Maybe what I’m about to go into a speech about won’t work, but if there’s even a slight chance it will,  I’m willing to risk making a fool out of myself.” She took a deep breath. “My dad did everything he could to help me make my dream come true. He bought me a piano when I was five, he hired a vocal tutor, took me out to every classical music concert that was happening in England. The day I got in to the academy, it was as if he completed his live mission. Rhaegar was the one I would come to when I left like I was not on the right way to that dream, the one who would listen to me play or sing along with my dad. They supported my wholeheartedly. As I know your parents supported you” she stopped and looked at him expectingly, waiting for him to confirm her statement. He cleared his throat, covering the effect that her words had on him. He would have lied if he said the fact that she was sharing her story and emotions with him didn’t please him greatly. “Yes, they did. Though not as much as Sam’s parents support him” he joked. She laughed, knowing that Samwell Tarly’s parents were not so much supportive as they were demanding. Mr ans Mrs Tarly decided one day that their son would be a great musician, and since he was little he had to fill in the dreams of his family, never being asked once what he wanted. And Sam had no real interest in music, much less classical music, but with a little bit of knowledge and his family’s connections, he got in to one of the best colleges a musician can dream of being a student of. He was not the best in organ playing, but he was surprsingly good at conducting and he was the best student in the Academical Studied department. “I don’t think anyone can beat them” she chuckled once more, before becoming a bit more serious. “My point is that I used the pain of their deaths as an excuse. But stopping my musical education was the worst kind of disrespecting their memory. I know it sounds cheesy, but they would never want me to give up, especially not because of them” she looked directly into his eyes, making sure the meaning of the words stuck with him. “Missandei always says that music is just another language, one that anyone can undestand, even though not everyone can speak it. But with this language you can express more than any words ever could. Love, joy, pain.” He knew where she was going with that, and he looked down. “You have a problem with pouring all your feelings onto your work. They are always beautiful, don’t get me wrong. They’re genius, but now you’re trying to write something in the same style, when your feelings are somewhere else entirely” she shook her head. “That’s not going to work, Jon.” It was as if his soul was an open book she could just read anytime she wanted to. It made him feel exposed, open but somehow still incredibly comforted. Whatever happened, she would understand. How did she get to know him so well?“It seems like you’re stuck. You’re not longer in that severe pain, not for months now, but the artist inside you didn’t get the relief he needed” she continued, before face palming herslef a littte, making his eyebrows go up in surprise. “I’m sorry, I’m talking like some psychologist, when I have no qualifications or rights” she said, shaking her head in disapproval al herself. He smirked and leaned down a little bit. “You’ may not be a psychologist, but if you don’t mind, I’d like to hear the rest of that lecture. ”Her smile was almost as curing as her wise words. “Just stop trying to hide your feelings in your work, they will be the thing to make them even more spectacular, trust me.” She thought for a second and then added: “And you should go to your family for Christmas. Spending them alone seems very depressing.” His mind went to his half siblings. They would defintely be happy to see him, but should he just catch a train and appear out of nowhere? She must have noticed the conflict in his eyes. “You still have a few days until 25th. I’m sure your presence will be the greatest gift they get. But before that, get some rest. A lot of it. If you still won’t be able to sleep, take some sleeping pills.” 

He hasn’t tried them yet, for stupid reasons. He almost wanted to stay awake every night. Why? Maybe the physical pain helped him, he didn’t know. She showed a little bit of her teeth, happy she was able to have some effect on him as she brought her tea to her lips, looking at her phone. “Oh! I must get going now.” She put the cup down, not taking a sip, and  started putting her scarf on, buttoning her coat. When she was putting on her gloves, he spit out: “Would you like to go out with me?” She stopped in the middle of the process of putting her right glove on, and looked at him with a bit wide eyes. “After  Christmas, I mean. When I get back, before the classes start again” he continued nervously. God, what was he thinking? One talk and he thought he could just ask Danerys Targary- His thought were interrupted when she gave her answer. “With pleasure.”  She was now done with dressing herself, and he could see a hint of smile under the checked scarf. “On one condition. Bring whatever you manage to come out with” she pointed to the sheets. This way she has just given him the best motivation she could. “Having someone give you your opinion on it before handing it should help you, right?” They both knew she just wanted to make sure he would compose something at all. “It definitely will. Thank you, Daenerys” he gave her a full, genuine smile, and noticed her eyes go a bit wider. She cleared her throat, an action he recognized from his own struggles to hide his feelings before her.“So, call me when you’re back. Merry Christmas!” she waved and started walking towards the exit. “Merry Christmas” he mumbled, a little shocked because of the whole situation. He looked down at the sheet, and immediately picked up the pen, suddenly feeling inspired.

[kuuxkat]

[EN]Lisani Vol. 27.1 Interview with Nanjou Yoshino

Translated and Typeset by: @kuuxkat / QC by: ~mega and @astralwinters @ #teamonibe 

Originally Sourced and TL by: 埃克斯 here

Images from: @emitsunosaurus-rex

DO NOT USE THE SUBS FOR COMMERCIAL PURPOSES!

Contents under the Cut!

Typeset images can be found: here

[Since we’ve walked this path together for the past 6 years, “Eli must be in good health somewhere out there, right now”, I really think is the case.] 

-- It’s been half a year since “μ's Final Love Live!”. Have you had the chance to reminisce on the past six years?

Nanjol: Everything ended on that day… although I would like to say that, but there wasn’t much changes after that. It felt similar to when I was at school and when spring break was upon us, thinking that [We really don’t need to go to school right?]. It’s similar that way. Although I do think that way, I’ve always been moving forward towards the new goal in front of me, this is how I’ll describe my situation recently. On the other hand, for the fans who put their all into cheering us on, and for them to be in a state of “μ’s loss”  where they’re constantly looking for fragments of μ’s in their daily lives. Those feelings, they have been expressed closely in the heels of other projects, and individual activities. They really have been putting their all to cheer for us, being able to say that experiencing this is reminiscing is right too. My real thoughts would be: [So it was just half a year ago, huh?]

-- Asking once more, what was it like before and till Final Live?

Nanjol: First of all, Tokyo Dome is really so big that I wasn’t really clear on how the situation was (laughs). But, on the day before the Live I took part in the dress rehearsal while thinking that: [In two days time we’ll hold the final Live here, in front of an audience that will fill up this entire avenue]. As it is final, us members were still thinking and searching until the last minute about:  [How do we express to everyone all the bright points of [LoveLive!] and μ’s so far]. Although physically it was very difficult, but more importantly was: [If we expressed just a little bit more would it be slightly easier to convey the message]. The degree of work that we put in to express this mentality, it can’t be compared to with the other Lives before this. It felt like each of the members faced the girls who they had performed as up until then once again and completed the live without regrets

-- How did you feel that day when you saw the audience for the first time?

Nanjol: I feel that what I saw on stage at the Tokyo Dome is what made [LoveLive!] distinctive , the audiences who carried the lightsticks in nine different colors. This time; I saw so many different colors in that extreme expanse at the Tokyo Dome. was the deciding difference between rehearsals and the actual performance. To be able to showcase the monotonous practices that had been done continuously for several months in such a beautiful and sparking place, was extremely touching for me.

If I don’t work hard, Ayase-san won’t shine! I carried this mood with me as I stood on the stage. -- When you were the MC, you said: [It’s not 9 of us, it’s 18 of us], during the Live, can you describe how does it feel to be to be together with Eli?

Nanjol: As I worked very hard to stand on the stage, I don’t actually quite remember at that time the distance between me and Eli. But from the different stages of the practises I can determine that, we voice actresses try trying our best to let people understand and experience the child that they are acting for, to show the project [LoveLive!] and to recreate those intense feelings together with [μ’s]. So rather than say that I am working hard for myself, why not say that I am working hard for Ayase Eli. If it is my own live, there would be many places that I can relax (laughs). But at that time if I don’t work hard, Ayase Eli won’t shine, so I want to work hard for her! I brought those feelings with me as I stood on the stage.

-- That performance was born from these kind of feelings right? Nanjol: In the time that I stood on the stage, there were times that I felt unadulterated happiness, looking in all four corners I would discover that there were audiences 360 degrees around me, they kept smiling, but at times they couldn’t stop crying, in some way it’s just like they were looking at Gods while looking at the stage. If that’s the case, from my part I’ll naturally try to go closer to the back or the seats on top, working hard to give: [I saw μ’s with my own eyes], this experience to everyone. So the time when I actually felt my body’s exhaustion is when the Live was over and I’m back to the hotel, [... There’s one tomorrow huh!] like that (laughs). Working hard by myself for Ayase Eli -- Going back to the time when you first saw Eli, what was your impression? Nanjol: As previously I wasn’t casted in a role [slightly big sister-like ]like Eli , I thought: “To think that I would get a child like this?”. After looking at the other 8 concept arts, I wondered how should I perform her? Six years ago it was still at the time where girls with high pitched voices were popular, so I felt [It would be difficult for Eli-chan to gather popularity]. I kept on thinking how should I perform to be able to draw this child’s charm out, to make her into a child who who would interest everyone.

-- Singing is an important aspect of expressing Eli, do you have any songs that leave an especially deep impression? Nanjol: If someone ask me that question, I always answered with [START:DASH!!], but in the end (Bokutachi wa Hitotsu no Hikari (僕たちはひとつの光 lit. We Are A Single Light)) left a very deep impression too. But during the recordings, the one with a stronger impression is actually: [Bokura no LIVE Kimi to no LIFE (僕らのLIVE 君とのLIFE lit. Our LIVE, Our LIFE with you)]. My heart faintly had the thoughts of: [Why not perform it with an adult feel?], but when I went for the recording everyone told me: [In any case, be lively a little!] (laughs), as the personalities hasn’t been firmed. But, if at that time I performed too lively, afterwards I would have fretted over the difference between the two. So I thought about the Eli that I had pictured in my heart, and expressed liveliness within the boundaries of that personality, until now I still remember that minor adjustment I made. -- If at that time you sang it differently, perhaps the Eli now would not have existed. Nanjol: It was only when the TV Anime started broadcasting did my initial blurry impression (of Eli)  became a closer match. Before that I always thought I performed a feeling of coolness, during the initial PV that formal and stiff feeling became more obvious….when the TV Anime began I had that feel of [Yes Yes, the Ayase Eli that I wish to perform for is there!] (laughs) -- The cool feel of the Student Council President? Nanjol: The cute points of Ayase Eli would be her inability to be candid, that clumsiness in her inability to express herself clearly. I feel that the previous: “Formal and Stiff-chika” could appear too, but seeing the process in which the distance between the initial concept art and the TV Anime started shrinking, I felt: [This-THIS! What I want to perform is this!] (laughs).

-- At the very beginning, she was written as being the opposition, among the members, the scenes of Eli’s internal conflicts is particularly vivid and the most memorable. Nanjol: I suppose she is fond of thinking all over the place? From worrying at the start whether if it would really be alright, even when Honoka who said: [Let’s try, alright?] and in the presence of all the other members with their [We’ll eventually find a way.], she’ll still ask: [Really?]. I myself had moments like this, so the resonance between us is very strong. -- Including that resonance, what is the relationship that Eli and Nanjou-san have now? Nanjol: At times I feel like she is my own child, and at times she’s my partner, and there are even times that I feel she is me. During the process of making this project, there are times when the members (μ's) would be close to their voice actress, and there are times when I, the performer, would be affected by Eli and naturally pick up things that are ice-blue in color in my hands. I feel that in this six years, there are many areas where we have melded together. There wasn’t any free time to allow me to seriously think about me and Eli’s relationship. We’ve been furiously preparing for Lives that’s just in front of us, recording large amount of songs, where Eli begins and where I end, even I wasn’t clear on that. But, when it came to Final Live, [to let Ayase Eli shine as brightly as she can, I need to work hard.] I’ve considered everything thoroughly. -- In the six years, the year before (2015) has been especially hectic in it’s development to the extent that it must have been hard to breath, what is your view on such a year? Nanjol: At the start, whether it was my confusion of [How to perform as Ayase Eli], those days where no one could truly understand no matter how strongly I stress [I am very cute!] (laughs), I feel that I can never forget them. I hope I don’t cause any confusion, I didn’t become a voice actress for [LoveLive!], as at the same time I took up roles in other projects. But all of them were swallowed up by [LoveLive!]’s wave, for a second I thought I’ll be swept away and cease to exist (as myself), so at that time I clearly felt the danger and had to calm down. The scale in which it expanded was shocking, the level was also indescribable, so it’s not unexpected that there would be a part of me that was afraid. -- At that time, even people who don’t watch Anime, you could hear them talk about the name[LoveLive!], right Nanjol: Although I often hear people say: [That’s amazing], but no matter what, the links I have with it is as a voice actress. Even if it was through TV or through media etc that they knew the ‘real’ μ’s, I really hope that they would continue to link it with the Anime and their related works. Words that you wish to say to those ‘comrades’ that love ‘LoveLive!’? -- After going through this packed 6 years, what are your feelings now? Nanjol: Although I’m doing well in the field of voice acting, but at times I do crossover that boundary to perform Lives. I’ve gone through many things that normal voice actresses won’t ever experience. Regardless as an performer or as a voice actress, there would be times that are very difficult, but I am really very thankful to have learned so much. I have met many people through my activities with μ’s. -- Among those that you have met, the eight other voice actresses. What kind of existence are they? Nanjol: As expected, even now they still have the feel of being family. After all we really went through the same thing together (laughs). As there were periods where we were together almost every day, although right now we don’t frequently meet with each other like before, but whenever we do meet: it’s like I can breathe easier. Even with other people that I have good relations with, there is that small part where you get a different kind of safety. -- If you are able to say one sentence to Eli who spent the same six years with you? Nanjol: I guess it’ll be: [How are you doing now?]. For six years, we have walked here closely together, and even if we have separated, I hope that we would be able to meet again somewhere else. To part ways with someone who has always been by my side, it’s a similar feeling as graduation. I really think that right now she is somewhere out there, full of energy now? Although it feels odd if I say that’s in the second dimension, but because I feel that she’s really living there right now, so I’ll think: [What are you doing now?]. As the comrades who have gone through the same experience as [μ’s], I hope everyone would definitely look forward and in many areas, continue working hard.

--- Lastly, please say something to all the readers. Nanjol: How does the μ’s loss feel? (laughs). There are people who really cried till their tears went dry, and to the messages of [I knew of you guys only recently, I really regret not knowing you guys earlier! ] from people who didn’t know us then. Like [Why didn’t I go to a Live!]. Although what you want me to say is [So didn’t I  let you guys see it?] (laughs) But it’s μ’s fans like this, those that have chased us for the full six years, and those that who only did so for a few years. But no matter the time that we spent together, those feelings can’t be faked. After Final Live ended, there are people who are still in a cloud of sadness, but μ’s hasn’t disappeared, the memories that we have created would never disappear. Especially to those people who say: [I’m so sad… I’m so sad that I can’t see tomorrow...], as the comrades who have gone through all this together with μ’s, I hope that they can stop crying and look forward. If in the future and somewhere out there, μ’s is able to reappear in front of everyone, I hope that we are able to talk about those memories from those six years. Those who have supported us think so, and us performers we think so too. As fellow comrades who went through the same thing as μ’s, you have to look forward, and in many areas, continue work hard. As everyone has their different schedules, there would be people who will discover their next target whom they would inject passion into, and there would be people who would continue to loiter around in discontent after what has already ended. When the haze dissipates and we are able to look back at this six years, if we are able to say [We’ve grown up huh?] , it’ll be great. So I hope that everyone, from now on would as always, continue to treasure the memories and music of μ’s, and in all of your different lives, continue working hard.