#it was actually both him and his gf cat sitting so they kept and extra close eye on her and spent even more time with her the rest of the

[luminarai]

Most people will tell you that giving your pets any kind of medication in pill form is an absolute nightmare, meanwhile I have the exact opposite problem.

A friend of mine was watching my cat Mim while I was travelling this weekend and when he went to split her weekly allergy pill (made to split into 4 small pills when you press down on it with a finger) to give her the usual 1/4, he fumbled it and sent it skittering across the floor where my ridiculous pill-loving menace of cat immediately gobbled down the whole thing, leading to me receiving a panicked phone call at 11 pm from said friend who was understandably freaking out (everyone’s fine, a single high dose won’t cause any problems as long as it’s just this once).

Behold: the villain herself, basking in the success of her crime (she’d be planning her next pill-related heist but, as you can see if you look closely, there’s there’s nothing but elevator music behind those eyes)

[swinterr]

fic rec vii ♡

hi!

this is a another new set of fic rec and i’ll probably do a compilation of genre (?) just like the first ones.

read and support the fic and authors here: the fic rec ♡

made some changes like tidying up a bit and adding summary, for those that doesn’t have any summary i’ll try my best to add my own summary (it will probably be shit tho, i ain’t making a smut summary guys, i’m not confident in my describing a fic ability but i’ll try my best. if its in italic it means i made the summary hehez )  if the summary is shit, i made it okay.

a for angst

f for fluff

s for smut

// for series or list

kpop oc/s

1. jane by @baejiyeonz

2. bee by @purpleyellow

3. lian by @nct-lian

4. taehui by @jeontaehui

nct

sungchan

1. [10:47 pm] by @dont-look-down-on-me | f

- based on the nct relay cam.

haechan

1. [5:21] by @dont-look-down-on-me | f

- based on the nct relay cam.

2. you’re warm by @dreamystuffers | f

- a drunk hyuck can only mean a clingy hyuck.

3. you’re short too by @pastelsicheng | f

- 5 times hyuck teases u for ur height.

4. no title by @heychan | s 

- dirty thought cockwarming haechan and johnny comes in to the room while you are trying to hide it but haechan doesn’t care.

5. wishes by @lucaswithnoshirt | a f

- standing on stage is everything you’ve dreamed of. except in the time it’s taken you to get there, you’ve been dreaming about other things, too.

jaehyun

1. moving in: the series by @jaehyun-ified | f

- after agreeing to move-in with jaehyun, you decided to curate a little series on your channel to both give in to your viewer’s request to have jaehyun frequently on your contents and to document your moving in process with the love of you life.

2. [8:14 pm] by @dont-look-down-on-me | f

- based on the nct relay cam. 

3. boyfriend by @simpsiren | a 

- a relationship with jaehyun wasn’t always perfect. there wasn’t a definite label on it, which only sent the relationship down a complicated pathway as we tried to find the meaning of our love once again.

4. best part by @okayoongii | f

- don’t know how to describe this tho, just read it. also 10/10

5. can i help you? by @sugarjaee | f s

- when working an extra long shift at work, your boyfriend surprises you with a visit.

6. stages of love by @biletdoux | a f s

- a playlist for the trials and tribulations of a beating heart. 

7. [9:04 am] by @jeongvision | // f

- domestic fluffy blurb. 10/10!!

8. suds by @kim-taehung | s

- first person to move does the dishes for a week. nothing is off-limits.

9. promise by @bvbyxuxi | f a

- jaehyun has loved you since you were both kids, things were going well until he messed everything up; meeting again as young adults, he refuses to let you go again but would you give him another chance?

mark

1. one minus on plus one by @wonjaekook | f a 

- in all of the years you’ve known jungwoo, you should have figured out to not take his words at face value because, though you haven’t even met, mark lee seems to hate your guts. 

2. [12:03] by @dont-look-down-on-me | f

- based on the nct relay cam.

3. pretty boy by @epinebleue | f a

- fluff, the tiniest bit of angst, the reader is two years older than mark, jaehyun makes an appearance as the reader’s fuck buddy, use of alcohol and drugs (marijuana), mentions of violence (mark punches someone), smut (protected sex, inexperienced!mark, dry humping).

4. camera flash by @morkleemelon | f

- mark taking a picture but forgot to remove flash waking up oc, pretty fluffy and cute! 10/10!!!

5. retrouvailles by @kireimarkeu | f

- counting down the days until you finally see your long-distance boyfriend.

jungwoo

1. [1:14 pm] by @dont-look-down-on-me | f

- based on the nct relay cam.

johnny

1. man-icure by @haejunehui | f

- based on jcc ep. 26

taeyong

1. reverb by @lovingonrepeat | s

- taeyong + studio sex. 

2. unspoken by @bvbyxuxi | f s 

- you had never thought to see taeyong again after your one night stand with him until this year where he takes you by surprise; turns out he wasn’t the guy you sought him out to be after all.

ten

1. [2:32 pm] by @dont-look-down-on-me | f

- based on the nct relay cam.

lucas

1. [4:31 pm] by @dont-look-down-on-me | f

- based on the nct relay cam.

2. king of hearts by @raibebe | f s a

- a little bit of everything, a chef’s kiss. 

yuta

1. [5:51 pm ] by @dont-look-down-on-me | f

- based on the nct relay cam.

doyoung 

1. redamancy by @heavenlyhaechan | f

- this is just so fluffy! i wished to be doyong gf please. 

2. fools together by @yongiefilms | f

- two fools in love with each other? 

3. acedia by @jaeminscoffee | f

- a day in the life of yours and doyoung's love life.

4. our little secret by @haejunehui | f

- read to know their little secret. hehe.

5. caught red handed by @hannie-dul-set | f

- all you wanted to do was take a picture of the handsome law student during your train ride home. you did not expect things to end up like this.

jeno

1. i see red by @0097linersb | s

- pure filth 🥵10/10 tho.

2. addiction by @love-mi | s f

- you and jeno keep your relationship a secret to avoid backlash from your companies and fans; but keeping himself away only makes him want you more.

3. surprise visit by @nakamotonudes | f s

- you hadn’t seen your boyfriend for over a month because of his hectic schedule so when he suddenly shows up at your place one night for a surprise visit, you both have to make every second worth it.

bts

jungkook

1. the pitter-patter of the heart by @koorara | f s a //

- pieces of newlywed domestic moments with jungkook, your husband. the young film and literature lecturer and his wife, you, who works as a journalist of a web magazine. both of you managing the career, the time for each other and the new house. not to forget, chip, the cat that has been with you for years. 

2. please love me by @ahundredtimesover | // f s a 

- as the only unmarried jeon and kim children, your families propose a union to symbolize your unbreakable bond that spans generations. but despite developing an affection for jungkook growing up, he never returned it; he never seemed to like you, actually. you’re okay with the proposal, but surprise surprise, he isn’t.

3. first love, last love by @floralseokjin | f s //

- a collection of drabbles following the longterm relationship between jungkook and you... 

4. second chances by @parkhabits | a s

- work. one of the most important things to him. It kept him company at night, it was all he thought about, all he put his attention to. his work had become the mistress within your marriage. years after you left him you’re back with only one goal in mind. get him to sign the damn divorce papers. yet you should’ve known that your husband wouldn’t let you go that easily. 

5. crush by @jungxk | f s 

- jungkook woke up with amnesia (?) he totally forgets that he has a wife and child. and he totally has a huge crush on his wife. 

6. bare necessities by @gguksgalaxy | f s a

- when you ask your boyfriend for a relaxing vacation you don’t exactly expect him to take you to disneyland out of all places. luckily, jungkook knows just how to get you to relax — being needy is definitely not the way. or is it…

7. krampus for christmas by @ddaenysus | f

- when your daughter overhears your nightly activities close to christmas, jungkook takes it upon himself to convince her it was the sounds of the legendary demon goat.

8. a date with destiny by @imjustfanfictrash | f s

- you are a boss lady in the tech industry traveling to world for work. he is a chart-topping artist touring the globe to perform in front of millions of fans. In the cosmos of life, you are not likely to cross paths. luckily, fate has a different plan for you two.

9. stranded by @gguksgalaxy | f s a

- jungkook’s offer to help you study for your exam is unwelcome. his entire presence is unwelcome. you don’t want help from the guy who passes all his classes without even trying. it’s annoying — he is annoying. from the way he grins whenever he catches you staring at him, to the way his eyes shine whenever he smiles at you. oh, and let’s not forget the way his tattoos shift when he stretches or the way his jawline sharpens when he’s focused. nope, you definitely can’t stand him.

10. sprout by @v-hope | f

- after a nice evening out with your friends, you find yourself coming home to your sleeping toddler and the new hairstyle she had tried on your husband.

11. friday nights and take-out by @ahundredtimesover | // f s a

- you meet pop star/idol jeon jungkook at the café, you get close, and as hyejin says, you’re like friends with benefits without the sex. but you’re bad at feelings and so is he.

12. jealousy by @ephemeralkookie | f s a

- jungkook’s closest friend, namjoon is getting married and he invited you three to his wedding. the only unexpected thing was jisoo, his ex, and we’ll just say that you were not too happy to see her flirting with your boyfriend right under your nose

13. a quarter past us by @jjiimin | f a

- when you break up with him out of fear of losing your freedom in university, he finds himself showing you why leaving him isn’t the answer. 

14. pretty boy by @angelguk | // f s a

- alternatively known as the jock!jk universe drabbles in vague chronological order. 

15. summer solstice by @boulevardk | s

- down on your luck and desperate for a successful harvest, you pray to the gods. you figure no one in heaven was listening to your prayers when nothing happens immediately. but one fateful night, your prayers are answered. are you willing to pay the price? the sacrifice might not be what you were expecting….

16. lilac wisteria by @blushoseoks | f a 

- over the years, things change - but the one constant is your love for lilac wisterias.…okay, maybe jungkook’s been there too.or, alternatively:the first time jeon jungkook says that he is going to marry you, you are five years old sitting underneath a large wisteria tree.

17. obsessed with your ass by @kooklovesu | f s 

- jungkook has an obsession with your body he cant get enough of praising you. he wasn’t comfy showing the world his affection towards you in public because he’s a private guy, but when he finally did, good luck.

18. from home by @gyukult | // f s a

- jungkook is the youngest of five boys, the last in line to truly inherit any his parents’ money. but what if his mom suddenly cuts him off due to his current poor behavior and he’s forced to learn how it feels like to be part of the working class?

19. black card by @minsprings | // f s

- black card fic and drabbles, also a chef’s kiss.

20. oh my god, they were (quarantined) roommates by @ot7always | f s

- what do you do when you’re quarantined for months on end with jeon jungkook - s tier cuddler, workout robot, and thirst trap extraordinaire? fuck him, you guess.

21. let the games begin by @venusiangguk | s

- just another fic where oc rides jk in his gaming chair pls still read it tho lmao its hot i promise

22. the probability of us by @jiminrings | f s

- jungkook’s the son of the university’s president, y/n’s cardigan is everyone’s favorite, and adjacent walls mean shared victories. 

23. open when by @iluv-hobi | f

- jungkook likes to write letters to you, especially ones with purposes, like “open when ___”. one day, on a particularly bad day, you open, “open when you’ve had a shitty day”. 

24. good day by @ilikemesometaetaes | f s

- his motive was made quite clear once he called you out of work. he just wanted to spend a nice day with his girlfriend. is that too much to ask for?

25. calculated by @whatifyoulivelikethat | // s 

- some people would call you far too serious. some would call you stuck-up. and some would call you a bitch. but to freshman jeon jungkook, you’re the head calculus I TA noona  – and he’s determined to fuck you.

26. brat taming by @sugasbabiie | s a f

- jungkook has been your roommate for almost a year. since the day he moved in he has acted like nothing but a spoiled little brat who is used to getting anything and anyone he wants. he eats your food, he doesn’t clean, he’s loud, oh and now he has colored his hair the exact shade of blonde as you. He’ll do anything to get under your skin. you’ve had enough of his filthy mouth and his fuckboy ways. it’s time to tame that bratty little roommate of yours. think you can handle it?

27. sugarplum energy by @bymoonchild | f s a

- you know no bounds nor depth with jungkook. while your fuck buddy loves sleeping in your bed and doing laundry for you with his favourite fabric softener, you are in love with a mysterious honeyed, velvety voice on soundcloud. all’s fine, until you find out that the voice that metaphors your heart to a sweet sugarplum melody actually belongs to the boy who has been taking up a special spot in your bed and in your heart, strumming at your heartstrings all this while. or, jungkook has one braincell, but it’s heart-shaped.

28. ancient history by @moononthejoon | a s f

- there is no way to deny that you and jungkook have chemistry. the two of you used to be a couple, after all. what happens when after a not-so-amicable breakup the two of you are cast as opposite leads of a movie?

29. that’s not daddy by @nochuobsessed | f

- jungkook comes home with a new hair color and his sons can’t tell if he’s appa or not. pretty cute! 10/10

30. no title by @himbojk | s

- jk got a blowie from his oc while on a zoom class meeting, like cam on with a whole set up but his oc under the table sucking the life out of him while he sits and tries to take notes .

31. dilf jk by @himbojk | // s f

- dilf jk drabbles.

32. no title by @himbojk | s

- blond jk with full tattoo sleeve who looks like the baddest boy but is actually baby and just wants a handie in the library while studying with his oc because she aspires to have those high grades. 

33. no title by @noteguk | s

- bf!jungkook going down on the reader while they watch anime.

34. silent treatment by @blu-joons | f

- baby kook asking daddy kook to say sorry to mommy. 10/10 too!

35. getting railed by @dearlytea | s

- getting dicked by your boyfriend during a train ride.

36. the view by @koyamuses | s

- jungkook knows exactly what turns you on; every kink, every dirty fantasy that’s buried deep within your mind. he knows exactly how to make you beg for it.

37. let’s play: dirty by @jungkxook | f s

- on today’s stream, watch as the king of gaming jeon jungkook gets totally pwned by some newbie player on overwatch (he swears he was stream sniped)! to make matters worse, he can’t seem to focus anymore when you’re in the room but he promises that’s not because he’s in love with you or anything. use code ‘jungkook’ on any game purchase through steam at checkout for 25% off so that jungkook has something to feel better about! iloveyou btw!

38. more dilf!jk by @cutechim | s

- oc thirsting over jk, talk about finances, jungwoo is an innocent cock-block as infants are, disrespect towards a major film franchise. 

39. you are inherently beautiful by @ggukachuwu | f a

- when y/n and jungkook accidentally reveal their relationship to the public because she walked in on him doing a vlive and now netizens and kmedia are tearing apart her appearance because y/n is chubby from struggling with pcos. jungkook takes it upon himself to cheer her up because he absolutely adores her.

40. morning with jk by @min-arya | f

- jungkook drabble of him catching his s/o admiring him in the morning with soft sleepy cuddles.

41. even a forest fire dies out by @9uk | a s

- it became from “grab a coffee with me?” to “why should I grab a coffee with you?” too fast for your liking. you had thought the both of you were so in love with each other—only to realise it was only you who had fallen into this trap of feelings. and as for jungkook, he might have just been as confused as you are.

42. all that we had by @starlightauroras-writes | a s

- four years, two months and five days ago, you lost the love of your life with no explanation. living with a failed marriage at such a young age without knowing why was impossibly hard, and when you’re invited to your high school reunion, knowing he would be there, you really don’t want to go. what happens when you do leaves you questioning fate. 

43. aquarium by @whatifyoulivelikethat | // a

- life after jeon jungkook was grey. you had to find your own color, grow your own rainbow. but what would surprise you the most is the appearance of white cosmos, seven of them clutched tightly in kim taehyung’s hand.

44. contentment by @btsqualityy | f s 

- oc’s using jk’s card to buy rug and the rest is history. 10/10!!

45. heartbreaker with a heart of gold by  @filmflowersbangtan | a s

- love this!!! you know i love me some angst! 10/10!!!!!

46. the ikea test by @mercurygguk | f

- you and jeongguk face the IKEA test. successfully? sure!

47. before you universe by @ephemeralkookie | // a f s

- jungkook has taken a huge place in your life after he tattooed you, and you can’t even picture how life was before him. he has always been there for you since day one. but how will things change after you find out you’re pregnant?  

48. christmas cream(pie) by @smoochkooks | s f

-  a day before christmas dinner with your boyfriend’s parents, you discover another alternative way to use the chocolate cream you’re making. jungkook is more than willing to indulge in your little fantasy.

49. last minute by @moononthejoon | f s

- christmas day had gone by, and now you were back home after holidays with your family. your friends had agreed to have a late christmas party, but as always, you and jungkook procrastinated gift buying.

50. you go in knowing bros together by @blu-joons | f

- a cute fluffy knowing at knowing bros moment. 

51. no title by @v-hope | f

- the way y/n would react when someone else flirts with jk and how he’d handle the situation.

52. hair dye by @mercurygguk | f s

- jungkook got his hair dyed while at work. you lose your mind the moment he steps through the door.

53. stay gold by @yeojaa | s

- blond!jk being a good boy?

54. crystal snow by @honeyj00ns | f

- when you join Jungkook and the rest of the guys for some fun in the snow, he can’t help but feel jealous.

55. 6:21 am by @sincerelyourfangirl | f

- in which he makes your morning extra special.

56. plan b by @btsracket | s

- dressing room quickie, unprotected sex request, use of Plan b pill

57. possession by @bngtanah | s

- jungkook is your boyfriend, sometimes you have to remind him what that means.

58. puffs and touches by @mintseesaw | f s

- “Stop doing that with your face, someone else is going to snatch you up”

59. the quiet things by @btsracket | s

- sleeping bag sex.

60. good boy by @ephemeralkookie | s

- secret, read to find out AHAHAHHA.

61. make it right by @jungkxook | a s

- you’re wholeheartedly, madly in love with jungkook and yet you shouldn’t be because it’s been almost a year since you broke up with him. worst part of it all is that you know he’s still in love with you too

62. it takes two by @junghelioseok | s

- struggling with the idea of your ex-boyfriend moving on, you enlist the help of your quiet roommate in a scheme that quickly spirals out of control.

jimin

1. picking petals by @cutechim | s 

- you asked for a baby, so a baby is what you’re going to get. 

taehyung

1. daddy by @btsracket | f s 

- there’s only one choice when this happens on a date out.

2. love me or we both go down by @gukyi | f s a

- after going through with an arranged marriage to please his parents and secure his inheritance of the family business, kim taehyung thinks he’s got it all figured out. he doesn’t. apparently just being married to you isn’t enough, not when everybody and their mother can pick up on the fact that the two of you absolutely loathe each other. but taehyung wants his inheritance one way or another, so he decides that desperate times call for desperate measures: the two of you need to fall in love, and you need to fall in love fast.

3. saudade by @jiminssthetic | a s f

- a demanding idol lifestyle was something taehyung and yourself were all too familiar with. it wasn’t so hard when considering your unconditional love for one another, but lately, taehyung wasn’t the same anymore; and you decide it’s time to find out why.

4. ineffable by @99liners | f

- boyfriend taehyung takes care of his sick s/o.

5. tease by @caiuscassiuss | s

- you knew you were hot. you saw how the guys looked at you, how their eyes were drawn to a tight t-shirt or short skirt. and maybe this would fail epically—crash and burn like a failed experiment—but you wanted to get under kim taehyung’s skin the only way you knew how.

6. aquarium by @whatifyoulivelikethat | // a

- life after jeon jungkook was grey. you had to find your own color, grow your own rainbow. but what would surprise you the most is the appearance of white cosmos, seven of them clutched tightly in kim taehyung’s hand.

got7

yugyeom

1. yugyeom as you boyfriend by @sunshinekookie | f

- i need more yugyeom fics in my life.

astro

eunwoo

1. rainy say saviour by @imsarahbum | f a

- upon seeing you getting bullied after school for being short, dongmin can’t help but step in and defend you - despite both of you not really knowing anything about each other.

anyway, thank you again for the writers please take care and be safe!

please free to recommend your favorite fic that i haven’t feature yet.

if the links won’t work and i labelled some fics wrong please let me know and i’ll try to fix it as soon as possible!

support the fic and the writers!

[brown-rice]

Taking a break from the midterm study/note-taking grind

Got a midterm, quiz, matlab, and math assignment due this week, with 2 more back to back midterms next week, so I’m stressing a bit. Spent the last two days just sitting and rewriting notes but I feel like I’m not retaining anything hhhhhh. Looking forward to going home, seeing some good people and my dog this weekend though. I can kinda feel myself getting sick tho, feelin’ pretty week b/c of my period, school, and stomach problems again.

Anyway, tomorrow is the start of week 3. I’ve been going to school for 2ish weeks now and have been living in this condo with my condomates for about 3 weeks now? I’m still in a really bad place emotionally/mentally, but I guess I’ve come to tolerate most of the things going on around here. Still floating around with no hope and dreams of my own, but I’m trying my best, doing the work and going to class, only missing one day because I felt like actual garbage. 

Living in this new place is really weird for me. Not that I’ve changed the way I live, but I’m sharing a room and “home” was the only place that I could be terrible and sleep all day and just kind of be off? But with people, I want to keep up appearances and try a lot to hide when I feel shitty. I can’t really figure out why I do that. I share a room with Ashley and I’ve already seem her cry several times about relationship stuff, and I’ve comforted her. I’ve fussed over Doni feeling sick, and say hi to Asher and Punit when they pass by. I try to stay out of my room and be friendly. And it’s pretty stressful hahahaha. In the beginning there was a much more noticeable rift between Ashley, Doni and I as one side and Asher, Punit, and Punit’s gf who is around pretty often. It’s not that we do anything against each other, it’s just that we don’t really interact beyond those trios, which kinda bummed me out, but I don’t care too much as long as everyone respects boundaries. There was a lot of passive aggressive stuff going on in the beginning, but after the first house meeting, things got better. My biggest peeve is probably that I’m a lot cleaner of a person than I thought? At home I did a lot of the cleaning, sure, but that was only when things were actually dirty. Things just never seem to stay clean here, which does bother me a bit, but we have a cleaning rotation going on now, if the others are going to actually do it. I also just feel really gross here for some reason, like when I shower it still feels like I’m not clean, and Ashley feels the same. We also keep getting bitten by bugs we never seen and have no idea where they’re coming from. I’ve been breaking out a lot more than I did before. Doni really wants me to open up to him and I’m just, super hesitant for no reason really. I’ve been holding back a lot since the summer. A nice thing is that Ashley’s cat loves me a lot, and kinda fills the void for my dog. He always sleeps on my bed lol. We also kinda opened up a Jewish scroll in the house whoops. Ashley’s always playing/talking to her other friends online, so while I want us to be good friends (and we are b/c we get along very well even tho she’s messy sometimes and has an annoying keyboard, we really don’t have any bounds? like we get changed and everything in front of each other lol) there’s also a wall that I feel. Everyone really keeps to themselves, except me and Doni. We’re usually out and about downstairs at the table, him paying League while I take notes. I suppose we’ve gotten closer. Ashley, Doni and I always try to get boba for each other if someone’s out getting some. Doni and I have lot of late night convos and he really wants us to be better friends, and I know that he actually would be there for me, but there’s just something about his advice that I’m so adverse to. That and I’m probably afraid of being let down again.

Regarding school, I had a really bad first day for no real reason. I just felt super horrible and wanted to cry when I got home, which was only made worse the next day when Punit and Ashley threw a party (I got some alc out of it but still). I just felt super alone in everything and really out of place b/c the condo doesn’t feel like home, but my home in Riverside doesn’t feel like home either. I just feel like I’m in limbo and don’t know what to do about it. But I’m really trying. During orientation, Ashley and I met a group of people who were all new students and really chill, we even all swapped numbers and planned to do stuff, but that all fell through so fast. Classes themselves are alright?? There aren’t any assignments to do, but I just feel like I’m behind on everything, even my low div bio class where I’ve already learned everything there. I just feel really uneasy like I can’t do anything or that I’m gonna fail. I fall asleep in class pretty often even though I get a decent amount of sleep. It’s weird. I didn’t expect my biochem class to be that hard, but I’m really stressing since it’s not clear what we’re gonna be tested on. Ochem is a mystery b/c while I know half of the class material, I don’t know where they left off. I kinda wish I had stayed at Mt.Sac to finish up the ochem series, but too late now whoops. Math is questionable but easy at the same time? It’s a weird feeling. So all in all, school is fine academically. I don’t really have any good friends that I can study or hang out with, and I’ve come to enjoy the alone time. At first, it was really lonely. I spent the whole first week trying to get to know people and join clubs b/c I realized that the people I considered important really didn’t think of me that way, at least not to the extent that I felt, and that’s okay. I have to learn to let those people go and that sucks, but I can’t keep being there for people who don’t care about me. I want to make good friends that return my feelings and sentiments, so I need to go out and try. It’s really tiring. I used to be able to call myself someone that makes friends easily, and I do, but I’m stopping myself from taking the extra step, and I can feel myself pulling back and away. I just don’t want to try anymore really, for new and old friends. I really hate losing old friends, especially ones built from long years of friendship, but people grow apart and I’ve done too much fighting for and taking care of people and blaming myself and letting people take advantage of me. It bothers me so so much that my close friends are the ones that know I’ll always be there and take advantage of that fact. Even if I end up with less close friends before and a lot more alone time, I want to and will be okay with it. I’m getting involved in KP and KOTX, but as a transfer student, it’s proving to be really hard to break into circles that have already been established since Year 1 and many other transfer students that I get along with already have old friends who actually care about them, like Ashley. Being away from Riverside has made me realize a lot of harsh things and I so desperately want to get away from everything and either die or start somewhere new. I can’t be there for people anymore if they’re not gonna be there for me, and even if I want to answer those late night texts and calls of crying, I won’t do it anymore. This is it, and if that’s mean then that sucks I guess. Hopefully once I get picked up into my KOTX and KP fams, I’ll have some good friends. Same goes for other upper divs for my major. So far I’ve made chill friends with another transfer student named Luke in my bio class. We remind each other that there are clickers and he plays LoZ in the back of the class while I read manga. I went to the manga club and the quidditch team, but they were both hella cringe. I might go back to the anime/manga club, but who knows. Triton gaming, I might see if there’s a sm4sh event.  

Another thing about friends is that I’ve got back into strong friendships with Roman and Kinuth???? Roman and I used to be really good friends during our time in hs, but kinda grew apart as he found his place and became more social while the Breadsix was growing apart. He and I have math class together and that’s probably the only reason why we hang out, but he’s sort of become my dining dollars sugar daddy LMAO. We study and eat together a lot, and I’ve chilled with his roommates sometimes b/c he lives on campus and I need somewhere to sleep during big gaps. So while It’s really nice hanging with Roman, I feel like after this quarter we’ll go back to not really talking or seeing each other that much outside of maybe KP. Kinuth is probably the most unexpected thing to happen to me so far. He just kinda showed up with Doni one day, and we’ve always had a vitriolic kind of friendship? So now we actually hang out and message every day. I knew he went to school here, but I just wasn’t expecting him to try being friends with me b/c he doesn’t really seek close friends. We’ll see where this goes tho. One of the sadder things is probably Meagan. She only comes to our places b/c Ashley and the cat are here, and I hear even less from her now that we’re in the same city. I dunno, maybe we’ve just grown apart too much. Same goes with how I feel towards Katherine, Joel, and even Rich. Landon a bit too, but less because we actually chat/message and he came the last weekend to visit. Normally Landon and I talk a bunch, but I really kept to myself, tho the quiet was still comfy. Dunno how long that’s gonna last. The stuff in the summer really fucked me up with how I feel towards all of them, and I’m slowly letting go, but it’s not like any of them are going to fight for our friendship. The SC thing’s probably gonna phase out too anyway, not like anyone responds unless I have to call people out. I’m just so tired with people and friendships and I don’t want to try anymore, and as I get comfier and comfier with being alone, I feel like I’m going to fall into that. It’s dumb, and I’m trying not to by going out and being active, but hey. I feel like I’m reaching out and trying to be honest when people say things like “pls trust me I’ll be there for u” and then I feel so let down b/c no one is there for me and it sucks. I posted in the group chat and nothing happened, it was a read message and idk why I keep doing this to myself. I’ve still got a lot of negative feelings about a lot of things with nowhere to put them. Even if I talk to people, I’m racking my brain for a solution that I don’t have and all I really want is a solution.

Everything I do or feel seems like a big fat whatever and I don’t really know what to do about anything anymore. I feel awful all the time, but there’s no time to rest because of classes. Falling into sleeping all day again. And honestly I’m terrified of letting that happen. The only other thing keeping me grounded is reading fics. Week 3/10 so far. I’m gonna try applying to some jobs too. I’m really trying my best here. All I want is to have a stable income and a place of my own. Thinking about getting my own place after this year if I get a job and can afford it. Maybe live with my sister. Maybe leave SoCal and go to Davis for more school stuff. Still a lot of wanting to die feels but hey, that’s why I’m living with people, to stop that from happening. Hopefully things will work out.