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#it was the darkest era of my life and we had that phase lorelai and rory went through when rory dropped out of yale
cinnamon-notes
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1 month
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leaving the apartment where i lived with my ex turned out to be more painful than her leaving the apartment where we lived together
#i keep unconsciously forgetting stuff there that will have me go back there just one more time and somehow it's so hard and soooo painful
#tried to talk to my mom about this but that era of my life is actually something she cant bring herself to reminisce at all
#i could really use a talk with my mom abt this but i dont wanna force a subject on her especially if its something i know she cant talk abt
#it was the darkest era of my life and we had that phase lorelai and rory went through when rory dropped out of yale
#and i have to thank GG because it made me realize in how much pain my mom must've been at seeing her gifted elder daughter become her worse
#self and literally waste everything she was and had and knew. which also helped me realize why she isn't that happy when i mention that time
#we went through. cant blame her. i literally threw away two years of my life and all the beautiful people ive been up to that time.
#but still- i really need to talk to her about this. because it was indeed painful to walk around an apartment newly emptier and not be able
#to be eaten out alive by all the spots of that apt where some things happened or some things were said or some things were seen. it was. it
#was extremely painful. it hurt so fucking much. but leaving those spots omg- being willing to never spot them again. being willing to lose
#the memory of them. forever. wow- it's a completely different level of pain. it just hurts differently. because i know it's time and i know
#it's been time for a very VERY long time. and i know this is literally all it takes for me to be more free from the thought of my ex. i know
#it's more than necessary and i know it's the right thing. it still hurts. cuz it's all damn over. and i let it pass without ever actively
#process it. because to process it was too painful. and i will heal silently. away from here. alone. with a few true friends. i know i will.
#it still hurts cuz like- you can know you made the right decision ans you can still grieve and hurt. so yeah im ceying bye i need my mom and
#i need to process many things and im way too traumatized and i probably wont have any other romantic/platonic/sexual relationship for many
#many years. and i probably wont have that many friends for a little while. and its okay. its time to settle a little bit steadier than i am.
#always remembering im not a tree and im actually allowed to move whenever and wherever i wish. but i need more stability right now. i need
#to learn how to love myself without becoming cynical. and im almost there. i know i am. i can feel it. and i feel this steadiness for it to
#final.
#cinnamon diary
#sorry about the rant im just in desperate need to cry and hurt
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