#it will always make me feral that molly loved caleb even from the very beginning

[dent-de-leon]

Thinking about Caleb's early campaign appearance and how Molly was still Like That ™️ about him is giving me feelings.

Yes!! Ironically, I think it was everything Caleb loathed about himself at the start that made Mollymauk start to fall for him. When Lucien suggested that no one could ever care for someone like him, that the Nein would never be able to forgive him for his betrayal, Molly reassures him--"That's not how we are, Lucien. We love broken things the most."

From the moment Mollymauk first crawled out of the grave, he'd felt lost. Empty. Broken. And it made him drawn to other desperate, lonely souls that felt just as hollow and abandoned in the world. He runs to Yasha's side and protects her from an angry mob--takes her hand and offers her a new home. With just a glance, he sees how much she's suffering, and he can't just let her face it alone. "I know what the others think, but, the truth is...How do I put this...The world is harsh and cruel, and I don't seem to be able to just walk on by. You see a wrong? You fix it."

And that fight in Alfield? When Molly keeps guarding Caleb in battle, rushes in to put out the flames and tries to snap him out of his panic attack? The way he tries so hard to break through to him because it's too dangerous--they can't do this, not here--"Time for that later." So he does what he can to get Caleb out, keep him safe, guide him to someplace better. "Come on, let's go get some sunlight."

And of course, there's the way he tries to comfort Caleb with a kiss, grounds him with a bit of affection and warmth after all the pain and fire that burned away at him. The way Molly tries to reach out to Caleb here? It's not so different from how he ran to the Platinum Dragon's temple and risked his life for someone who was suffering--someone still petrified in shock and grief.

That's who Molly is. I think about how Molly said, "We love broken things the most." And I think about when Caleb laid all his grief bare, choking up as he admitted, "I...broke, a bit." How much Caleb hates and loathes himself for it--despises his own "weakness," his "cowardice," the way his resolve just crumbles when it all falls apart--

Caleb always being terrified that he is damned beyond redemption. That his soul is twisted, shattered, corrupt. Broken. So of course Molly loves him. How could he not, when Caleb's hurting so much? When he's the exact kind of person Molly can't help getting so attached to, becoming so fiercely protective of?

It really is easy, to love Caleb later on in the campaign. He's no longer burying himself in dirt and trying so desperately to run and hide. He's charming, clever, ambitious, daring, courageous, determined, powerful--he's someone who's tired of running, who knows what he's fighting for, and will do everything he can to defend it. He's more self-assured, confident, composed.

He's also done so much healing, reached a point in his life where he is ready to open up again, seeks to do good every day, to become the man his parents always knew he could be. (And just...when Trent asks Caleb what his new goal in life is, Caleb has the strength to look him in the eye and say, "I think mostly we are just trying to leave the world better than we found it." And it's because of Molly he feels like that--)

But Molly falling for him at the very beginning? That's not easy--Caleb doesn't make it easy. He's trying so hard to push everyone away, to keep from ever getting attached. He's purposely trying to avoid attracting any sort of attention, trying to make himself appear as dismissive and undesirable as possible. Everyone else in the Nein is just a means to an end--or so Caleb desperately tries to tell himself. And Mollymauk? "I should go right now...Look at this one. He's like a walking rainbow, what is this? He's a circus performer, he's not going to help you."

The last night Molly was alive, and Caleb is trying to think of a reason to abandon him and the rest of the Nein, a reason why he and the others aren't worth staying for. And while he's agonizing with his conscience over that, while he's trying so hard to keep from ever getting attached--what does Molly think about Caleb in turn? How did he feel for Caleb, after knowing him the same exact amount of time? Well, first and foremost...it seems he still thinks of the kiss--

"Another kiss came to him like a tricky word just on the tip of the tongue, elusive yet tantalizing, though the sentiment felt real enough--a friend in crisis emerging to a kiss on the forehead. A tender banishment. Caleb. Softness and light. Clammy skin under rough lips. Molly's nose brushing Caleb's hair..."

And Molly feels so strongly for him, even while Caleb was so bitter, resentful, grief-stricken and wallowing in his own guilt--and all of these things are absolutely understandable--he doesn't owe anyone an explanation for it, for how he processes the raw pain and trauma and tries to protect himself from ever reliving it. But at the time, he was perhaps at his lowest, at his most desperate and lonely and despondent, refusing to let anyone else even get close. Regardless of how badly they wanted to help, to reach out to him.

It speaks volumes, that Molly looks at Caleb while he's still so pained and cold, so heartbroken and angry at the world and himself. But then there's Molly, and he looks at his Magician and sees, "Softness and light." This is before Caleb has gone through all that trying character development and catharsis, before he's managed to come to terms with everything and finally start to forgive himself.

This is a Caleb Widogast who still believed he would sacrifice the Nein if it meant he'd get what he wanted, if it meant a chance at more power, a means to finally bend reality to his will--the only possible way he thought he could ever set things right--

At this point, Caleb could've kept telling himself Molly and the others were just disposable. Stepping stones on his way to something better. Just the interim until he could finally "fix" the past, make it so he's no longer "broken"--

But Molly had feelings for him regardless. Even if they weren't returned--at least, not yet, not until Molly was lying lifeless and still and Caleb gently brushed the hair out of his eyes, buried him with a letter and then begged, "This could be a reunion--"

But even back then. Caleb was still "softness and light" to Mollymauk, and their brief time together meant so much to him. When Lucien insists those moments are gone--whatever Molly had with Caleb and the others, it's all gone--Molly simply says, "Kindness is never lost or forgotten." And he uses the memory of kissing Caleb to make that point. Explicitly tells Lucien that, no matter what, those little acts of tenderness and affection still mattered, still meant something to him, even after death. That's how much he loves Caleb, and it just breaks my heart--