small update
ok so um I got my number theory paper today, and the TA had cut marks for me because i left the answer at 66^2 and not 4356 (fermat's little theorem) 😔 I even wrote the full proof
my friend told me I should mail the TA about this, I got 14/20 and should be getting 17or18/20 😔
scores aside, number theory is so much fun, so much fun. the only good thing here is that I know the concepts well, and I fully knew the paper (still fucked it up, because I'm so frickin slow while writing and time). and it hurts worse because there's not enough proof that validates my knowledge. which in turn makes me question if i actually do have any.
I am, in general, a person who does well in concepts but screws up the exams (70% of the time) and I'm trying, I'm trying to get myself out of this "exam paniK" that I often spiral into, just minutes before the exam. I hope I change and grow; I hope, I hope.
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why do you think louis said this might be the only time he plays at the hollywood bowl? do you reckon it might be because his tickets sales aren’t going well and he was told that it won’t be possible to book venues like these next tour? that made me kinda sad :((
every day I get asks being like "do you think [random thing that happened in the last 24 hours] is because Louis' ticket sales are so bad?" and it's obviously just annoying harries with nothing better to do than try to make people unhappy (TPWK!!!) and maybe they're just getting cleverer here and have tricked me, but this sounds like it might actually be a person who they are getting to with this garbage and have made unhappy so fine, I'll bite-
Louis' ticket sales are going FINE!!!!
He is playing great shows every night and is on target for the tour he has booked and everything he's doing is completely sustainable and if nothing changes (which it will, for the bigger; he has been picking up more fans every year) he can keep touring like this (and playing these venues) indefinitely! The idea that every show that doesn't sell out is a failure is made up and makes no sense- if every show sold out there would be people who wanted to give them money but were unable to do so. That is not how capitalism (and growing your fanbase) work for any working musicians outside the top .00001% biggest in the world! If your venues sell out, then next time you book bigger ones, and you keep doing that until you hit a size where it doesn't sell out so everyone can buy buy buy those tickets.
I can't know for sure why Louis said what he said; but he is constantly in disbelief that things are going as well as they are for him and while this album and tour especially he seems to have finally started to believe we really do like what he does and aren't going anywhere, I think that's still there and that's what I heard with that. I mean also it could be next time he plays LA he ends up in an equal size but less iconic venue and booking never lines up with that space again or something, for all I know it's really hard to get on their schedule. Hollywood Bowl is a historic and renowned venue and Louis was excited to play on a stage that has hosted so many famous people and moments and was trying to be in the moment and appreciate it (as he has been focused on making an effort to do lately) because the future is a mystery and anything that is ever happening might never come around again, but I don't think it's cause for concern.
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About that apartment chase scene, i often think that sam has mixed feelings about chad just dragging tara with him.
I mean- of course, she's happy that tara wasn't at anika's place, she's happy she managed to not get injured and not witness another friend getting brutally killed right in front of her eyes.
But still...
That's HER sister, tara would've been safe with sam because she wouldn't have let anything happen to her... not again. If things went differently, would chad have been able to protect tara? All alone? Would he just leave her there like he did with mindy, anika and sam?
Sam trusts him, of course. She's known him since he was just a small kid, and he has always been very protective and caring with tara. He would never intentionally hurt her or let someone else do that. But still, sam doesn't really trust anybody with tara.
Not christina, not mindy, not chad and not even Gale.
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when i was young my grandma used to say that if she wakes up and nothing hurts, she starts to worry. and at the time i didn't entirely get it but i assumed it's an old age thing. anyway now i truly fully get at least a version of it bc i ate breakfast without getting a tummy ache and now it feels like a horror movie when you know the killer is here with you but you never know when they'll attack
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sometimes i just think about poe and it's like. i can't believe you mean this much to me? literally ahead of tfa i just kept scoffing at the descriptions of him, completely expected to be benevolently annoyed with him or meh at best and didn't understand why everyone went off abt how oscar was attractive (like i could tell objectively, but it's rare that i find someone subjectively attractive on a deep level), and then i just. saw poe for the first time on screen in theaters and that was it. instant attraction, and then a few minutes later realizing that oh, no i'm genuinely in love with this man. instant ride or die, we just clicked. i got him on a deeply intimate level just from those few minutes of screentime he has in the movie, that nothing about him following that ever surprised me? just. yeah that's him this makes sense.
and i remember writing what was absolutely self-insert masquerading as canon where r.ey was his best friend and i genuinely meant for it to be platonic but i kept accidentally writing a little bit something more and i genuinely think looking back on it that i probably had a crush and a squish on poe? and he may have started queerplatonic, leaning on alterous (if i'm understanding the term right). like it wasn't straight platonic because i genuinely had/have such a crush on him but it definitely wasn't straight romantic at the time either (and i still have moments where i'm like. yeah i'm definitely feeling qp feelings for him and not romantic ones). and then sometime in 2017, something I guess shifted and I wrote in an oc into that same fic who had a history with him and they both still had feelings for each other and they kissed at the end of the story but didn't wind up with each other, and then i started reading reader fic for him that same year and was like. oh I actually don't mind the idea of kissing him....i kinda wanna. and i also don't mind the idea of a relationship if it's with him, i even want it?
and like ofc things went sideways from there. i stopped reading fic bc my friend made fun of me for reading it and i felt like i was doing smth "wrong" and then the gaslighting of everyone hating him in t.lj when i didn't also severely impacted my ability to be able to enjoy him properly without trying to fold up my actual opinions to 'fit in' more and feeling anxious and not getting to enjoy it, but he was still such a cornerstone of comfort for me at the time. i even wrote my first reader fic in late 2018 to get some comfort from how awful things were in my personal life and it was of him. and then t.ros happened and the fandom got so toxic along w some friend stuff that my spin in poe almost broke (or so i thought), but like?? i spent the whole next year constantly drawn to things that reminded me of poe....read a book that was compared to the st and him a lot....bought a lot of orange things without thinking about it, developed a crush on a character that's like. basically poe with the serial numbers scratched off. all until i found my way back to him at the end of 2020 🥰 and after that i started embracing reader fic again and my romantic feelings for him and then lmao the physical/sexual attraction came in like a wrecking ball shortly thereafter which was New To Say The Least, but.
eeee i don't know i ended up gushing a lot about him but i just. sometimes i really think about the journey i've had with him, and how much good he's genuinely brought into my life. i get to feel all these emotions i never thought i would!! because of him!!! i get to explore new avenues that i wouldn't be interested in or comfortable in pursuing even mentally bc of him!!! he's helped me work through various triggers for my trauma bc they feel safe with him involved? and most importantly - i wouldn't know any of my lovely friends or partners if it wasn't for him? i stuck around in the fandom bc of poe, and that lead me right to my queerplatonic partners and family. i genuinely would not!! be the same person today if i had not fallen in love with that silly flyboy december 20th 2015!!! and isn't that just love in a nutshell?
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