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Dr. Daniel Siegel, author of The Mindful Brain and Co-Director of the Mindful Awareness Research Center at UCLA wrote that “[A] crucial feature of implicit memory is that when we do retrieve an element of implicit memory into awareness we do not have the internal sensation that something is being accessed from a memory of the past. We just have the perceptual, emotional, somatosensory, or behavioral response without knowing that these are activations related to something we've experienced before."
In simple terms, implicit memories are memories that exist deep in our minds and can surface without our conscious awareness. An example of an implicit memory at work is our ability to remember how to ride a bike. We don't consciously think about how to do it; this memory is simply in us. Conversely, an example of an explicit memory would be the memory of a parent teaching us to ride the bike, a concrete experience that exists in our minds.
Implicit memories make it possible to experience even a seemingly smooth or pleasant visit home, while unconsciously reconnecting to feelings, thoughts, attitudes and identities we held as children. When we experience implicit memories, we often feel like we are back in the situation we are reminded of, and we innately react as we did in that early situation.
[...] When old feelings like these start to impact our behavior, we are exposed to ways in which we haven't completely grown up or individuated from our parents or other influential adults in our childhoods and the early identities we took on within our families. No matter how mature we feel, memories of our 10-year-old selves can cause us to act like we did when we were 10.
Lisa Firestone, “Why Going Back Home Can Leave Us Feeling Lost”
#i will never be over#how i can be having a nice time at home while simultaneously feeling like shit about myself in ways that i dont usually feel anymore#and i know it is for this reason#like my creature brain and my rational brain are just not on the same page#it is frustrating bc nobody needs to be doing anything different? it’s not like there’s anything in the external environment#that should change or anything#it’s just me becoming this intensely thin-skinned person who is so so affected by perceived/imagined criticism#and being out of my own environment/space makes it harder to feel connected to the things that normally give me a sense of calm purpose#like my daily routines and my objects and my dog and my walks and my work#maybe i need to create little rituals for when im home#or have little anchor objects i can bring with me and hold to feel reconnected with my adult self#personal#like earlier i was getting all bent out of shape about queer eye a show i literally dont even watch#and then i was like oh creature brain you are just working through some weird tough feelings about acceptance#and about how much easier it is for your parents to watch this show than say the word ‘lesbian’ out loud or acknowledge your partner#we went to pick up the engagement ring my brother is going to propose to his gf with#and it was good it was good to be a part of that moment and i am so happy for him#but i’m trying to imagine my mom helping me pick out an engagement ring for a partner#and it’s like my brain just goes blank#and i feel paralyzed with shame#why? why. why. i know objectively she would do it and that it would be fine and maybe healing!!#i guess what gets me is that it’s me not her. it’s inside of me - that feeling. it’s me who would never ask#anyway sorry sorry just working through something#every time i’m home i’m like i would really. probably benefit from working some of this out in therapy. so that i dont put it all on her#this might be my work to do.#and it’s tempting to be like: how about i just compartmentalize this feeling and limit thinking about it to the couple times a year i’m home#but i do on some level understand that this is an emotional blockage that makes it hard for me to be open or fully present in relationships#unfortunately i cant just box this up and only let myself feel it two weeks out of the year
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