olderthannetfic · 10 months ago
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fandom social justice history anon here - aaah, thank you, early fandom being dominated by academics definitely connected the dots I was missing, thank you! Yeah, now looking at it with this in mind, it's pretty obvious how the tone of the meta essays from that era, while often snarky or even outraged, definitely sounds more like the tone of people who are used to passionately arguing in a setting that doesn't allow you to just throw whatever ad hominem accusation at your opponent's head. In contrast, tumblr's (and as a result, twitter's and tiktok's) style of fandom drama now reads to me even more blatantly like a catfight between high schoolers who have just recently learned some Big Words they only care to use as ammunition. I've read multiple older fans (including your invaluably informative blog) talking about how tumblr definitely reshaped fandom and brought in a TON of new people, and how slash was far from the "mainstream" of fandom even in the livejournal-ffn.net days, and I'm having a feeling that, for all the imperfections of this first tumblr generation of fans' activism ("let my gays marry" etc etc) the thing that got slash to be "mainstreamed" within fandom the way it currently is, also has to do with this pretty sizeable influx of new fans being mostly teenagers. As in specifically, overwhelmingly teenage girls who were having their first sparks of interest in romance during the height of the "I'm not like other girls" era + everyone shitting on twilight & "girly" musicians, because if you look at the posts from that period, they often contrast being a slash reader with being the slutty partying "other girl" or annoying hipster & at my school too slash kind of spread as a "not like the other girls" alternative to mainstream romance. Yes, not the healthiest attitude either, and it's good we've mostly grown past that, but like I said, there's a good chance that was what buffed up the numbers of slash fans to the point where today people are surprised fandom ever even was hostile to it, and at least in my environment, fandom activism, for all its flaws, was most people's first exposure to any sort of "-rights" activism at all. But (as is probably obvious) I did not experience most of even that era personally (I joined tumblr fandom in 2014). Anyways, excuse the rambling, if you feel like adding anything to confirm or deny my hypothesis, I greatly appreciate it, and I hope you have a nice day/evening!
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M/M still isn't mainstream in plenty of fandom contexts, just not the ones I hang out in, and "not like the other girls" of the type you describe was already big in the 90s among people who'd heard of fanfic. It's just that fanfic was harder to stumble across overall.
I think the two biggest factors are the changing attitudes towards gayness in mainstream culture in a number of countries and... well... AO3 getting popular.
FFN was the big place in the past, though not for my crowd. Now, AO3 is taking a massive bite out of not only its market share but now, in the last few years, Wattpad's.
When the visible institution around which fanfic revolves puts filtering out het front and center, it sends a strong message that previous fandom platforms did not. You had your m/m-only archives and your f/f-only archives and your places that let you filter for those but that treated het as an unmarked default.
Look at early discussions of AO3. There's an undercurrent there that we all assumed it would be one of a number of archives and that we didn't expect it to get this big.
Nobody could have foreseen the Het-Is-Eternal-Default Wattpad crowd being forced by their own platform's suckitude to come camp on the thing built by slashers. Now, we are the admins and they are the also-tolerated. That never happened before.
The thing that makes people not report gay hand holding as evil porn that must be eradicated is simply AO3 putting its foot down.
Anyone who thinks that virulent slash hate is gone just hasn't looked at other spaces.
This is not about individual fans behaving better: it is about institutional power.
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trans-axolotl · 3 months ago
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Aside from what you mentioned from your experience is there something else that's making you feel unsafe (to the point of feeling like your meds are being tampered with) ?
that's a good question! to be honest i hadn't thought about it till you sent in this ask, but i think part of the reason that this has been harder this summer than it has in a while might be because of my recent arrest/getting brutalized by the cops and recent time in solitary confinement and how that brought up a lot of feelings around past trauma and feelings of violation and just being so scared of being in that environment with zero autonomy. so maybe it might be worth seeing if i can find ways to sort of help myself feel more safe/secure/connected/in control of my own life just sort of generally in other places in my life and see if that can then help me chill out enough to feel safe enough to do my t shots. i can definitely think of some things that could help with that. i'm also in the middle of moving and am currently a guest at someone elses house and even though that's been lovely, i can tell i feel a little more vigilant than i normally do in my own space. and there's just a lot of uncertain things right now.
honestly i wonder if it might help me do my t shot if i just go in do it in a completely different location than i normally would and sort of switch it up. i might think about that!
thank you for this ask honestly this was SUPER helpful to give me a few more ideas of different things to think about trying.
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daphdarling · 8 days ago
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id like a haikyuu personality matchup please! i’m a trans person (he/him) with a preference for men. i have dark brown eyes and darker hair, and light olive skin covered in darker scars. i have a bad habit of picking at my skin (dermatillomania), so most of them are on my face or arms. it’s not uncommon to see me with bandages on. i also have *horrible* nearsightedness, so i wear glasses. i also prefer people taller than me (5'3)
i’d like to think i’m a pretty cut and dry person; what you see is what you get. i tend to be very open (sometimes uncomfortably so) and try to foster an environment where people can be open with me in turn. communication is *very* important to me. i value honesty and transparency a lot, and often feel betrayed when i find out something has been hidden from me. despite this, i trust quite easily, a bit naive in giving people the benefit of the doubt. monotone people can make me feel nervous as i can’t get as good of a read on them.
one of my biggest passions is creating. i’ve been drawing and writing since a very young age, and i take great pride in my work. it’s something i’m actually confident in, because i know what i’m talking about when it comes to art. i generally find my inspiration in people, usually drawing or drawing for those i care about. i’m very much a gift giver in a relationship, even if i don’t have much money to spare, so i make things instead. art, poems, songwriting. if it’s creative, i’ll do it.
romantically, i’m a huge tease, though i often can’t take what i dish out haha. i’m the type to relish in someone’s flusteredness, only to find myself stumbling over my words when they reciprocate. i’m clingy, cringy, and very unapologetic about it. space is important to me (as i can be suffocating at times and need to regulate myself), but i love spending time with those close to me. quality time is HUGE for me, as being with loved ones can be like recharging. i’m also big on words of affirmation, as reassurance is something i constantly crave from others, and i’m very verbally affectionate.
i’ve struggled with my mental health since i was very young (untreated audhd, and later bpd) but have managed to push through. i still have my off days, and off my meds everything feels a lot more extreme and black and white. my emotions are sensitive at best, and unstable at worst. i love hard and mourn harder.
i'm a taurus sun, aries moon, virgo rising. im an ENFP (going by carl jung cognitive functions, not myers-briggs!) my favorite color is yellow, but i have a lot of green stuff because i love frogs. my favorite kind are ghost glass frogs! also cats i love cats especially calico cats! people with cat personalities >>> i am the dog to my ideal match's cat (or vice versa ive been told im like a ginger cat lol)
YOUR MATCHUP IS…
TADASHI YAMAGUCHI!!!
Personality Match:
Yamaguchi is empathetic, supportive, and values communication—qualities that align well with your open and straightforward nature. His sensitivity allows him to understand your feelings, making him a good match for your emotional depth.
Romantic Connection:
Yamaguchi is known for being shy but grows more confident with the right person. His gentle teasing and appreciation for creativity would resonate with your playful teasing nature. He’s the type to appreciate the little things, which fits your love for giving handmade gifts.
Hobbies and Activities:
Yamaguchi enjoys playing volleyball and spending time with friends, which complements your need for quality time. He’d likely be supportive of your artistic endeavors, perhaps even inspired by your work to create his own projects, blending both your passions.
Looks and Vibes:
Yamaguchi has a warm demeanor and a kind smile, which would complement your light olive skin and darker hair. His slightly taller height and laid-back style create a comfortable atmosphere, making it easy for you to feel at ease together.
Final Thoughts:
Yamaguchi’s understanding nature and willingness to grow align well with your values of honesty and communication. He’s someone who would appreciate your artistic side while providing the reassurance and emotional support you crave. Together, you’d create a nurturing and loving relationship that allows both of you to thrive.
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statementlou · 1 year ago
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Hi, how was your show!!!??
Thank you for asking! It was great, OBVIOUSLY. I saw Louis play a short set in late 2019, but was not able to go to Walls tour, so this was my first time at a proper tour show (in Berkeley last night) and it was brilliant! I have been trying to figure out what to say besides that though cause tbh there are two posts I want to make. So… both? First for my recap- it was so loud, like the music was just normal concert loud but I had to plug my ears against the screaming between songs cause it was way louder- I just figured it was the in person experience difference but no, Louis confirmed, “you guys have been so fucking loud in here tonight, it's actually been hard for me to hear” so GO US! The chokingly thick haze of weed smoke (“I already feel the energy, I already feel the love, I can already smell the weed,” he was not fucking kidding) to usher in HIC in California (and all the other songs lol) didn’t diminish the energy a bit! Truly, there is nothing like the energy of shared live music, and meeting eyes of other fans (through the trees) and sharing that excitement. And seeing actual physical unmediated Louis, just existing in space being a real live human, yeah. Something.
I was like I'm not gonna bother to take pictures or anything, I just want to dance and hear and look, everyone else's pics will be better anyway but then the TECH, you guys know how much I love the fucking aesthetic of this tour and the screens were SO PRETTY in real life!! So in fact I KEPT getting my phone out for that so like... good one tech crew, you got me. Look for many low quality aesthetic posts of the screens incoming, sorry not sorry. Common People was SO PRETTY, his voice was so clear and lovely and I'm so glad that's been added in. WDBHG went HARD live, holy shit, SO FUN (tho tbh me as Louis thinking I know all the words to that song but it turns out there are a lot? And I do not? At least I was in the best possible company fumbling and mumbling through parts.) Heartbroken I didn’t get Saturdays live (honestly the one song I think might have been my exception to the next thing I’m gonna say) but so thankful for BTM🖤
But part two of this post is to say that watching the livestreams with you all is also brilliant and special and also lets me experience the beauty of Louis’ voice and presence and connection and the feeling of experiencing something together. I wasn’t able to go last year, and I know some of you (many many thousands worldwide!) won’t be able to go this year either or maybe ever, and I know you are seeing the posts telling you there is nothing like being there and you can't really know or appreciate Louis/ Louis’ voice/ the experience unless you are there in person and it feels sad and I want to tell you that I have done the research now and I don’t think that is true. Most people who go to the show won’t have a Y/N moment and be Perceived by Louis or be at barricade, and I don’t think the experience we are having online together is less real or profound than the live experience. His voice sounded fucking gorgeous and soaring and I loved it, but even if you are there it is mediated by all kinds of tech; I imagine getting to be present for an acoustic performance really would be something that couldn’t be replicated but I think a really good live through a clear speaker or a nice quality show video is in fact just fine. Some of the songs did hit me harder in person and get my blood pumping in a different way, yes- but others I actually think I get a fuller experience of in a chiller more focused environment when everything isn’t flying by as quickly. Like I don’t think the megamix would impact the way it does (UGH I LOVE IT SO MUCH) if I just saw it live once and done, for example. Anyway I’m just saying if you can’t make your own (go to the show) store bought is fine (hang with us at stream time! or just whatever online content). While I never intend to watch every stream in fact I am usually right here and love to chat and squee with people, come hang out, or just watch some videos and enjoy the magic.
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stylewhiz · 2 months ago
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Your Authentic Zen Room Sanctuary
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'Spiritual Zen Interiors'
As an awakened soul who feels the depth of her cosmic spirituality, I wanted to write about what makes space in your home spiritual. For many, it could be softer wall colors highlighted by wood elements and an abundance of house plants, honoring nature's beautiful bounty. This imagery conjures calm, peaceful vibes but what if your decor style differs? You may prefer bolder colors or monochromatic black and white. The latter speaks to my heart as a place to call home and feeds my spiritual essence joyfully. I pass the test with house plants and wooden floors but that is more in tune with my decor theme, than decorating my rooms to suit a more zen room design. A zen design is primarily minimalist and Japanese in origin, from ancient times and the sacred Hindu language of Sanskrit. In plain English, zen is a meditative state and resonates with the Hindu pursuit of enlightenment. Hinduism is perhaps the oldest religion and works on the premise that what we take as our core beliefs, creates our thoughts and ultimately our actions and road-map of life.
'The word zen in the modern age has become an in-vogue catch-phrase, for living an authentic spiritual life'
That is honoring your true self, your fabulous soul motif and not being overly influenced by celebrities or people you might wish you were. It's hard not to be overwhelmed when the media splashes the latest and greatest versions of women encouraging teenagers to emulate their looks, dress code, and mannerisms. The issue of self-love or lack of it is monumental in this copycat society as the true self is hidden from view. Being comfortable with who we are, our unique self is the pathway to a contented life. We are all related and living on this ever-evolving planet. As far back as we know, man has sought to control with little regard for his neighbor's free The spirit of cooperation is key to making our home a peaceful Garden of Eden, where animals are protected and the Earth is honored and respected. This begins with each one of us creating an environment that enhances happiness for all.
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'The philosophy of Zen is unity, without attachment and the ability to live in the present moment as ultimately, it is all we have'
The past has gone and the future is uncertain and unseen. The path to higher consciousness is to shift the mind of negative thoughts, namely fear, anger, or regret. It is then we can evolve the mind, so a response to an action or situation is not repetitive of the past. When we initiate a fight or flight mode, the heart has to work harder as stress hormones are released. Taking deep breaths gives us time to reconsider our actions and hopefully avoid conflict. A calm, zen mind inspires a positive outcome. The zen objective is to live a mindful life where every moment is valued and if we are aware of what is happening to us in every second or moment, the potential for enlightenment is real. This connection to the universe is inherited but forgotten through the eyes of a child, taught to live in a learned way.
'The Japanese live by a less is more code when stylizing a room with a harmonic zen ambiance'
It is all about the energy flow  Natural light is preferred with elements taken from nature. Colors of the planet and indoor plants fit the zen classic interior plus minimum technology and functional furniture. A living area that looks out onto the ocean or lake induces a serene atmosphere, where the wonders of nature are your fortunate view. The stage is then set for a zen mood, to activate your inner sanctum. As Zen is symbolically a state of being you can create a space in your home with a decor style that makes you feel good. Not everyone will relate to the minimal look of a customary zen theme but still feel the zen high, in an interior they decide. Be true to yourself and give your home an energy that comes from the love of making it your own. When the heart is in tune with your surroundings, your vibration will rise bringing more love and calm to the place you call home. Spiritual interiors inspire an ethereal flavor of peace and higher consciousness.
Author ~  Linda (Style Whiz)
spiritualdecor.org
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diariesofapisces · 5 months ago
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So Much To Say, No Energy To Say It.
Where do I even begin concerning the weird place I am in right now. I' 'll start by saying all the things I am widely enjoying right now. I like to play Minecraft and build my cherry blossom village and I like it even better late at night when I can sleep. I like to make things out of air clay and paint them while watching stupid videos on YouTube. I like to make jewelry while watching stupid YouTube videos on my laptop, or serious shows on the TV. I like to set up everything around me so it feels like a safe creative corner. I like when my art stuff is sprawled all over. It's still a depression space and habit but it's the best version of a depression room I can afford. I've been drinking lots of water to the point where I need my water bottle all the time. I am eating well and I have a balanced diet. I also love tanning wiht my set up but I can't right now, but I will when my mom is gone. I've also been moving to Kytrnada and I still love the Red Bulls sadly. Hopefully, I can replace them with slurries. I also love hanging out with Audrey and doing stupid stuff with her. Those are the things that are getting me out of bed and I have a whole other list of things I want to do. So why do I still feel like I wanna km? I feel like I am missing chunks of my life that are supposed to just be there. I look around at my environment constantly analyzing what it means and Eveyrone has the things I am missing. One of the big things I have discovered is my mental illness. I am the most mentally ill person in my friend groups. I can't really think of a person who has a harder time mentally than me. The thing about being Bipolar is that I have a hard time making human meaningful connections. A lot of times my friends are in a way parasitic becuase I focus on what I can give and get in a friendship and not the actual person. That's how I felt I was with Spencer. I was so focused on what I wanted him to give me ( validation) because I was going to give him something ( my validation). That is how I have been with all my friendships and it all ended badly. I don't know what intimacy is. I thought I did but after sophomore year my little mental bubble popped. I am constantly living in my own world with my own mental rules. It takes a lot for me to take my head out of my own ass, but I am trying, unlike some people. I am working very hard as you can see from this blog I am trying to take the inner beats. That inner beast being Bipolar disorder, nothing cringe. My worst enemy is myself.
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whentherewerebicycles · 6 years ago
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Dr. Daniel Siegel, author of The Mindful Brain and Co-Director of the Mindful Awareness Research Center at UCLA wrote that “[A] crucial feature of implicit memory is that when we do retrieve an element of implicit memory into awareness we do not have the internal sensation that something is being accessed from a memory of the past. We just have the perceptual, emotional, somatosensory, or behavioral response without knowing that these are activations related to something we've experienced before."
In simple terms, implicit memories are memories that exist deep in our minds and can surface without our conscious awareness. An example of an implicit memory at work is our ability to remember how to ride a bike. We don't consciously think about how to do it; this memory is simply in us. Conversely, an example of an explicit memory would be the memory of a parent teaching us to ride the bike, a concrete experience that exists in our minds.
Implicit memories make it possible to experience even a seemingly smooth or pleasant visit home, while unconsciously reconnecting to feelings, thoughts, attitudes and identities we held as children. When we experience implicit memories, we often feel like we are back in the situation we are reminded of, and we innately react as we did in that early situation.
[...] When old feelings like these start to impact our behavior, we are exposed to ways in which we haven't completely grown up or individuated from our parents or other influential adults in our childhoods and the early identities we took on within our families. No matter how mature we feel, memories of our 10-year-old selves can cause us to act like we did when we were 10.
Lisa Firestone, “Why Going Back Home Can Leave Us Feeling Lost”
#i will never be over#how i can be having a nice time at home while simultaneously feeling like shit about myself in ways that i dont usually feel anymore#and i know it is for this reason#like my creature brain and my rational brain are just not on the same page#it is frustrating bc nobody needs to be doing anything different? it’s not like there’s anything in the external environment#that should change or anything#it’s just me becoming this intensely thin-skinned person who is so so affected by perceived/imagined criticism#and being out of my own environment/space makes it harder to feel connected to the things that normally give me a sense of calm purpose#like my daily routines and my objects and my dog and my walks and my work#maybe i need to create little rituals for when im home#or have little anchor objects i can bring with me and hold to feel reconnected with my adult self#personal#like earlier i was getting all bent out of shape about queer eye a show i literally dont even watch#and then i was like oh creature brain you are just working through some weird tough feelings about acceptance#and about how much easier it is for your parents to watch this show than say the word ‘lesbian’ out loud or acknowledge your partner#we went to pick up the engagement ring my brother is going to propose to his gf with#and it was good it was good to be a part of that moment and i am so happy for him#but i’m trying to imagine my mom helping me pick out an engagement ring for a partner#and it’s like my brain just goes blank#and i feel paralyzed with shame#why? why. why. i know objectively she would do it and that it would be fine and maybe healing!!#i guess what gets me is that it’s me not her. it’s inside of me - that feeling. it’s me who would never ask#anyway sorry sorry just working through something#every time i’m home i’m like i would really. probably benefit from working some of this out in therapy. so that i dont put it all on her#this might be my work to do.#and it’s tempting to be like: how about i just compartmentalize this feeling and limit thinking about it to the couple times a year i’m home#but i do on some level understand that this is an emotional blockage that makes it hard for me to be open or fully present in relationships#unfortunately i cant just box this up and only let myself feel it two weeks out of the year
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saturnrevolution · 3 years ago
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☆Stellium through the houses☆
please credit my instagram page with the same name if you repost outside of tumblr!!
I got a lot of stellium related messages, so here it is. I have a 6 planets 1st house stellium, so I have a lot to say.
☆ Stelliums are a very controversial topic, as each astrologer has their own way of interpreting it. However, essentially a stellium is a focus on a certain sign or house in a chart. Some astrologers believe that 3 or more planets makes a stellium, whilst some believe 4 or more planets. I tend to go with the 3 or more planets stellium interpretation. However, I personally do not interpret asteroids or angles (asc,dc,mc,ic) as being part of a stellium and mostly focus on planets, but it really does depend on the dynamic of each chart.
☆ A stellium is much stronger if it happens between personal planets (sun-mars) or if it's a combination of personal planets and generational planets (saturn-pluto) and if the planets are in strong conjunctions. The closer to each other and the more planets, the more focused and rare the chart is.
☆ Any planet or sign that is part of this stellium will be a significant one in this person's journey. So if someone has a 2nd house stellium involving the sun, moon and mercury - then houses in which they have leo, cancer and gemini/virgo will have a focus for them as well.
☆ If not cared for enough, a stellium can turn into an obsession of a person on that particular sign's energy or house energy. That is why, it's important to find ways in which you balance the energy of your stellium and this usually works through implementing more of the opposite house's and sign's energy into your life.
Each house ⬇⬇⬇⬇⬇
☆ 1st house stellium
A first house stellium means that there is a focus on self expression and developing this person's identity, as well as outwardly expressing their personality. These people might have strong personalities and really take pride in it, especially if the sun is involved. I find that 1st house stellium people have multiple layers to their personality. This is not to say that they are two faced, but when it comes to their identity, there is never a moment when you get bored of getting to know them as there are endless new things you can find out about them. First house stelliums embody the energy of all the planets that are found in there. The more planets, the more blend out the energy is and it might be harder to pinpoint exactly the ways in which a certain planet is coming off as. These people might have the ability to adapt to the environment they are in and portray a certain personality depending on the situation, while still appearing as their ascendant. The ascendant is the one that dictates the flavors of those energies in the house. The downside of having a first house stellium is that they can be rather individualistic to the point where they do focus way too much on themselves and live in a bubble. Also, there might be a lack of cooperation and they might find it difficult to work in a team or ask for help (not really if you have 7th house planets as well). It's always a great idea to balance with the opposite house, so spending time with your loved ones or investing in your romantic relationships or engaging in teamwork activities will help. In terms of appearance, these people are rather going to turn heads with their aura and have a sort of intriguing vibe to them. These people are straightforward and really shine whenever they are in their confidence and have so much of themselves to share with the world, they are meant to put it all out there and be appreciated for it.
☆ 2nd house stellium
Having a second house stellium means that there is a focus on the material world and possessions and depending on the sign the planets are in, you can tell a lot about what possessions actually mean for this person - this can mean that they either value money or they value spirituality and life experiences over the material. However it may be, these people have a lot of inner strength. Whenever they feel down, they do get back up and they always fight to make it on their own. There might be an issue here with wanting to keep things for themselves too much or with putting too much pressure on themselves to the point where it affects their self worth and they get insecure. They need to be careful to not rely too much on the idea that there is just one clear path for them to go on and that if they do not reach a certain status, things won't work out for them. Career is also quite important for these people, but more as a way to reach security, they are always prioritizing comfort and are quite consistent with their decisions. They might have strong values and really continuously work on their self worth. For these people, it's important to balance the energy with the 8th house, so engaging in things that have to do with shared experiences, shared finances, opening up, being vulnerable and building deep connections where they can let their guard down and relax. Also, there might be a tendency to be a bit stuck in their comfort zone and fear change, so leaning towards the 8th house and finding ways in which they can embrace change and dive deeper into the darker side of things will be really beneficial. They might own a lot of things that represent their personality - even if this means a car or a collection of stickers with spiritual meaning, they have few things that they own that have sentimental value. They are very practical and calculated people and their consistency is usually what gets them to be successful eventually and be appreciated for their integrity.
☆ 3rd house stellium
A third house stellium shows that there is an emphasis on communication or things of the mind for this person. As the 3rd house also rules the years when we are in school or our hometown, it's likely that these people either got a lot of attention in school or had some traumatic experience when they were younger, depending on the planets or signs involved. However, the purpose of a 3rd house stellium is to use their voice in order to express the things that maybe were once repressed or that they feel a deep need to talk about. These people have a lot to say and they have powerful opinions, without necessarily judging others. They can, however, get in heated arguments and sometimes get stuck into their ideas or their thoughts. 3rd house stellium people have a great eye for details and a way with words - they might be good at writing or singing or anything that involves communication, even small talk. They need to be careful not to be too keen on the details that they forget the bigger picture and should balance their 3rd house energy with the 9th house - so engage in more spiritual activities or find metaphor in their daily life and not always seek to analyze and understand the things around them, including emotions. These people can be prone to mental health issues and need to snap out of this by simply taking action. Their country of origin or their immediate and familiar surroundings will likely be an area where they will thrive and they might become well known in a very specific field or niche that they are so good at cause they are great at assimilating information and research. One of their purposes is to use their unique voice and point of view in order to speak up for those that are not able to do it themselves and so make them feel seen and understood, while they also share their potential with the world and often do that through their amazing storytelling gifts - they could even write a book or have a start-up!
☆ 4th house stellium
A fourth house stellium means that there is an emphasis on feeling secure in this life. These people might have went through an impactful childhood - either in a good way or a negative way and they usually base their decisions on the things they learned in the past. They might have a numerous family or some trouble in this area, however there is a focus on family for them. Their motivation comes from feeling safe and knowing that those around them are well. Also, they are likely to learn a lot from building a family on their own, weather this means getting married or simply owning a pet. These people are warm and caring and have this innate mother instinct that shines through. They are also quite intuitive and empathetic, however this is mostly a private area for them which they keep to themselves. The place they live in can influence their mood so much. The trouble here comes when they focus too much on being in a safe and comfortable environment or being surrounded by people they care about that they do not prioritize their growth or they tend to be a bit codependent. They need to balance the energy with the 10th house, so focus on their career and their future goals and use these really beautiful qualities they inherited from their family as an asset into putting themselves out there. Depending on the planets or sign they have here, they might not have moved a lot and when they do, it likely feels like they are out of their comfort zone, they need to build a space that encourages their growth and that's rather luxurious even. They might own a beautiful home later on in life and build their own kind of world there. These people are likely here to break family patterns that were felt for lots of generations before them and share their stories with the world or use the wisdom they gain to inspire and heal others in very profound ways.
☆ 5th house stellium
A fifth house stellium shows a person that is naturally talented or gifted. This can mean that they were basically born with a talent for drawing, singing, being really good at multiple things that enhances their personality and puts them in the spotlight. They came here to showcase these talents and they need to be careful to not to take them for granted and instead use them as a way to find meaning and pleasure in life. They can sometimes lean too much onto the idea of finding pleasure and adopt this careless attitude that focuses on prioritizing themselves before their friends - which can be both good or bad depending on the situation. These people are likely naturally good with children or they are meant to have children of their own and so keep their talents alive, they are also likely to have artists in their family or people that have, again, some really natural skill. Creativity might shine through for these people, depending on the sign and they can also be quite lucky romance wise or be natural flirts. They should be careful not to get too emerged or too obsessed with their pursuits that they forget about the world, so balancing this energy with the 11th house - with being with friends, finding a community that has the same interests as them or involving themselves in fighting for a bigger cause through their skills would help, even building an online persona. If more difficult planets are involved in this stellium, they might have difficulty with their self worth or went through some experience which made them lack the confidence they need to show their talents. Once they find that fire inside, these people are the bright stars that have a lot of admirers of their work and can be amazing leaders if they follow their passion and do not let fear lead the way, as well as really good teachers that people talk about for generations to come.
☆ 6th house stellium
A six house stellium shows someone whose focus in this lifetime is in perfecting their daily tasks in such a way that they match their future goals and get them closer to their aim. These people are action oriented perfectionists, this is why sometimes their wish to do everything in a perfect manner can stand in their way of their action-taking. It's great for these people to find balance in their life by investing in their opposing house, so engaging in spirituality, journaling, going to therapy in order to understand their subconscious mind, invest in their art, write or focus on healing their mind before their body from time to time. A six house stellium is going to be concerned with their body - the way they show up into the world, but also the way they care for their body, the things they eat, how much exercise they make, their skincare routine and how present they are with these tasks. They can sometimes get so stuck into daily things that they forget the bigger picture and they are prone to being workaholics or to burnout. It's important to take things as they come and reduce the expectations they have on themselves. Another trait of a 6th house stellium is their ability to be of service to others - depending on the sign they have in this house, they know how to be of help and really hate feeling useless, they are great at giving advice and observing the details. They are most likely to see something you are not seeing and they have a sharp mind and critical thinking. Also, having coworkers that match their values is a very important trait to them and if they cannot find that, they'd rather work alone or open their own business. As long as they do not overly engage with their daily routine and know that their discipline does not define them, that's when they can achieve the most perfectly imperfect things in life by showcasing their daily tasks that got them to the success they achieved.
☆ 7th house stellium
Having a seventh house stellium shows a lot of emphasis on relationships, socializing and discovering oneself through interactions to the other. These people are likely social, they love discovering and getting to know others and they feed on conversation. They are rational, but also extremely sensitive and can feel very deeply for those that they love, sometimes even in a psychic way. As there is a focus on the other, the problem here arrives when these people overidentify with their partner, their best friend, their family - they rely their whole being on them and they forget about their own needs and wants, they ask everyone about what they should do and they do not make decisions that are in tune with their own authenticity, they might be people pleasers during their darkest times and completely get lost in making people like them. This is why, they need to get themselves out of their comfort zone once in a while and focus on first house themes - take decisions on impulse and trust their intuition, speak up on what is bothering them and even spend time alone to self reflect or invest in some personal activity. This will help them find balance and the harmony that they are always looking for in relationships. These people could even become known for their successful love story. Their potential won't be the same without someone being there to watch them as well, so they are the perfect example of harmonized work, relationships and personal life in time, great multitaskers and storytellers too! Just need to tap into their shadow side, not be afraid to ask around and explore what they are capable of. They came into this life in order to search for people that match their values and to learn to set boundaries and say no to those that don't, they came here to inspire others and lead them with their soft skills, they came here to make others feel loved and in turn, get to know their own potential, which is huge.
☆ 8th house stellium
Having an eight house stellium shows that this person's emphasis is on things that are rather taboo, dark or private. This person is likely to be someone that does not enjoy being in the spotlight (especially if they have personal planets here), but they are amazing when it comes to behind the scenes. What this means is that these people have the ability to read and understand others in a really deep way, so much so that they do not need things explained in words, as they just feel the vibe. This is why, they would be really great in jobs that require them to use their intuition or jobs that require them to do the secret, insider type of behind-the-scenes work, no matter the industry they work in. However, they would do perfect psychologists, psychics or even undercover workers of some sort. These people are passionate and can dive really deep into the subject they are interested in an completely get immersed into that. The problem here is that stellium energy is very obsessive and 8th house energy is the same, so putting these together can get a person to become obsessed with a subject, a situation, another person even to the point where they might stalk this area or to the point where they do not care for their basic needs, such as food, just to spend time observing and investigating this subject. Another challenge for an 8th house stellium is the fact that they are able to feel so much what others are feeling makes them really sensitive and can get easily hurt if they do not separate the bad things that happen into the world from them. It's important for them to balance this energy with the 2nd house energy, so to spend time focusing on the material, on making sure they spend time showcasing their skills through work, but also searching for stability and going away from change and chaos from time to time. These people can also have a sexual energy to them and are likely always in an ongoing personal transformation, even due to the things they had to go through in the past. These people are meant to help others heal, as they are open to the dark like no one else and they have the potential to discover hidden truths, while also discovering themselves.
☆ 9th house stellium
Having a 9th house stellium means that there is a focus on wisdom, beliefs and constantly looking for meaning. These people hold a lot of inner wisdom that just seems to come out of nowhere, as if they were born with it. They are the ones that are not afraid to make mistakes and that take every experience as one to be learned from. You see these people chasing their impulses and the fire within. It's likely that they will move a lot in this lifetime or travel - these are things that help them see the world differently and fuels their wisdom. They might have a culturally diverse background or they might be interested in foreign cultures or foreign languages. If this is not them, then they are the readers, the mind travelers, the spiritualists or religious people that search for eternal questions of the mind. They usually find themselves asking how the world was created and what's wrong or what is right, what's moral and what's not and they have really well thought beliefs. The problem with a 9th house stellium comes when they need to go a bit deeper than life philosophies, when they need to not base all their decision on experience, but rather on facts or on emotions. These people might feel as if darker things in life make them want to run away, in their endless search for spirit, they might shy away from anything that involves emotion or face to face communication, as they do not like getting caught by and being stuck in details. This is why, an advice for them is to invest more time in the 3rd house - to try to listen to what people actually have to say and not what they believe in, to try to see a person besides their spiritual beliefs and music taste - but instead to look at their life struggles and their emotions. What's challenging for a 9th house stellium is to have confrontational conversations that make them feel uncomfortable. As a paradox, the 9th house is all about getting out of their comfort zone, but for them getting out of their comfort zone is staying in their immediate comfort and not trying to escape, they might be surprised how good it feels. The purpose of these people is to go forward with ideas and belief systems that have been studied and felt for generations and to ask the right questions at the right time, so much so that they change people's lives with their positive way of living.
☆ 10th house stellium
A 10th house stellium person is likely going to have an amazing work ethic and find pleasure through investing time in their career. These people are likely to achieve great success in their career and even be recognized as a public persona. The place where they most shine is the moment when they spend their time being productive, organized and working on their goals. The sign can influence the energy a lot, so you don't have to be a super organized person if you have this placement, but you likely have your own personalized way of organization that works for you. They are motivated and sometimes overly critical of themselves, as they always want to reach and do more than they can even take on honestly. This is why they push themselves beyond their limit every time and it's important to stop and asses their process and praise themselves before they move on, they often don't know how much they have done. A good way to do this is for them to focus on the opposite house energy, which is their 4th house - take time to rest, spend time with family, be lazy and allow people around them to slow them down. It's all right to be behind with schedule and it's all right to be human and not feel like a robot 24/7. The problem can come when they have some personal issue that interferes with their daily work. Usually, if they find themselves being more productive than usual, it's a sign that there is something in their personal life that they are trying to avoid by diving deep into their most safe space - work. These people could sometimes get sick because of overworking, so please listen to your body and slow down if you do not feel very good. Overall, they are the ones that help everyone else organize, but the ones that can also do the small tasks - so they would be amazing managers or most likely find success in any area they are going for, as they actually do the work, put in the effort and get so much pay off in time.
☆ 11th house stellium
An eleventh house stellium person will have their focus on matters of the future, groups of people and environments. These people are the ones that are great when it comes to coming up with innovative ideas in order to revolutionize a generation. In today's world, an 11th house stellium can be seen either vouching for a good cause at a protest or creating their own non-governmental organization or being an internet star. People that have more planets in this house are likely naturally good at technology or at least the internet or they are very skilled when it comes to some unique niche interest of their and they often lead people onto the right direction with their minds. These people are selfless and unfortunately can sometimes care too much about their environment and not enough about their own needs, so it's important for them to balance this energy with the 5th house energy and try engage into creative, artistic outlets or simply just do any activity such as going out or even watching movies just for their own pleasure - without needing to share it with anyone and without needing to make a purpose or a cause out of it. However, they do not necessarily have to be internet stars to be seen, they could even go the other route of being against social media and engaging in a very hippie, healthy way of living or simply choose a traditional route when everyone goes for the modern - anything that makes them stand out. They can also feel misunderstood sometimes because of this and alone, but finding the right community that shares the same interests as them or just the right small group of friends with the same values will do wonders. These people can also be rather controversial, as they are most likely the first ones to start a trend, a movement or be bold enough to take a chance to think and express themselves differently compared to the environment they grew up in.
☆ 12th house stellium
A 12th house stellium has their focus on the outer reality, but not necessarily a material one. These people are extremely selfless and would give a lot just to simply help someone. As the 12th house can also represent karma, these people might have had some lessons in their early life and even later on that felt karmic - it made them feel as if they did not do anything to deserve such experience and since they have been there, they have such a deep ability to be compassionate and understand where everyone is coming from. However, their past experiences made them feel small and helpless and this is the reason why they believe that making themselves small in the first place and being there for others more than their own is going to bring them good karma in return (this belief is at a subconscious level). When in reality, their ultimate purpose in this lifetime is to find themselves. Unless they stop giving their all to everyone in hopes to get something in return and actually take the matter in their own hands and fight for themselves, they will likely feel lost. These people have such artistic and intuitive souls, they absorb the energy around them and are very strong as they can endure things for long, but the real challenge is to go onto the journey of discovering themselves and find out how amazingly it feels to put yourself first and feel happy through balancing with the opposite 6th house and focus on the present moment, learn to prioritize their needs and focus on moving their body and taking the days step by step. These people came here to show us a lesson of how much you can heal the world by healing yourself - just do that and let the magic unfold.
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rocorambles · 3 years ago
Text
Patient 1: Addiction
Pairing: Toji x Reader
Genre/Warnings: Yandere, NSFW, Predator and Prey themes, Cum play, Knife play, Non-Con, Degradation
Link to: Prologue
Patient Name: Fushiguro Toji
Diagnosis: Adrenaline Addiction
Your brow furrows as you stare down at your first patient’s files. An addiction isn’t uncommon, but to adrenaline? You suppose it’s possible to become addicted to just about anything. Yet there are a million questions buzzing on the tip of your tongue as you turn to Uraume who just shrugs and says you’re better off hearing it straight from Toji’s own mouth.
Everything about this psychiatric facility is strange and you curiously stare at the elevator buttons as both of you descend, noting how each button has a name of a patient next to it with the final button having no label.
“Each patient has their own floor. They’ve been here for so long that we thought it would be more humane to give them ample room to live in instead of the standard patient rooms you typically see in other facilities. After all, we’re not here to treat them like caged animals, right?”
The humanitarian in you can’t defy that logic, but you can’t help but wonder if it’s safe for them to not be bound during your session, only to cringe at your own thoughts. They’re just ill patients, humans just like you, not prisoners. With that newfound determination you stride out of the elevator only to freeze when you hear the outer elevator cage slam close on your heels.
You turn, hoping to see Uraume right behind you, but your heart sinks when you see them safely on the other side of the metal fence, an eerie grin on their face as the actual elevator doors slide shut, leaving you with some parting words.
“I’ll see you when you’re done seeing all your patients today.”
Not even seconds pass before you’re scrambling to look for a button or anything to help pry open the elevator doors, fear overwhelming you as Uraume’s ominous farewell haunts you. But there’s no escape and you turn around to take in your surroundings, trembling and on the verge of tears.
Expansive is an understatement and you nervously walk around the dimly lit area, quickly losing track of all the rooms, corridors, and dead ends you bypass and amble through despite doing your best to keep track of everything. It almost feels like it’s meant to be a maze or obstacle course of sorts…
“Well, well, well. Look at the new little mouse I’ve found.”
Your heart threatens to burst out of your chest only to still in shock when you see a familiar face grinning at you, immediately connecting it to the manilla folder tightly clenched in your hands.
“Fushiguro Toji?”
“And you must be the new shrink. Follow me, doc. I’m sure you have a lot of questions. They always do.”
You don’t want to think about what’s happened to your predecessors, this “they” Toji’s referring to. You don’t want to follow this stranger. You don’t want to be trapped in this unknown environment with a highly dangerous patient and no means of escape. But what choice do you have? And with limbs weighted with despair, you trail after the dark haired man.
You’re surprised when Toji leads you into a room not far off from the police interrogation rooms you’ve seen in movies. A single table with a chair on either side are the only furniture in the room and you quietly take a seat across from where Toji has casually slumped himself down. But you note how his large stature easily overwhelms the small space, making the substantial table between you seem meaningless.
There’s silence as you fidget and fumble with Toji’s file, trying to find any professionalism and composure you have left as said patient continues leering at you, an amused smirk ever present on his face. It feels silly to treat this like any other examination, but it seems like the only thing you can do, what Toji himself is expecting of you.
“What is...what is adrenaline addiction, in your own words?”
You wonder if this is what opening Pandora’s box felt like, the question barely out of your mouth before regret instantly seizes you as Toji’s grin only grows wider and sharper, a crazed look in his eyes when he replies.
“It means I like being excited a little too much, doc.”
“And what excites you?”
You don’t want to know his response, but it’s the only way forward and dread fills you as he responds.
“Oh, lots of things. The burn of my throat and rush to my head after taking a shot. Gambling and the uncertainty of whether you’ll win or lose. The look of despair on my victim’s face when I shove a knife through their beating heart. The way it feels so fucking perfect to shove my dick in any tight hole it’ll fit in. But you know what makes me the most excited, doc?”
It’s theatrical how he tapers off, green eyes piercing you as he silently orders you to acknowledge him. And all you can do is shake your head side to side, tears threatening to fall from your eyes as you play right into his hands.
“What makes me the most excited is the thrill of hunting pretty prey like you.”
Instincts have you jumping out of your chair and bolting from the room. You don’t dare turn to see if Toji is chasing you down, his amused cackle at your expense trailing behind you. You’re blindly running, no sense of direction as you randomly turn left and right, your only prerogative to keep moving, hopefully farther and farther from your patient. Every corridor, every passage, every room looks the same and you struggle to breathe as quietly as you can despite the way your lungs ache.
You strain to listen, but it’s hard to focus on anything other than the drumming of your racing heart and you don’t hear the figure casually ambling towards you until you’re being roughly shoved face first into the wall you’re leaning on, a toned figure pressed against your back, caging you in.
“Now, now. You’re making this way too easy. Tired already?”
It’s a rhetorical question, one you can’t bring yourself to answer anyway, not with the way your teeth chatter and your body trembles in fear as Toji loudly inhales your scent while he buries his nose in the crook of your neck, tongue lazily licking a strike of your salty sweat.
You sob as he harshly bites down, not enough to break skin, but enough to leave you aching and hold you still as his hands wander underneath your clothes, groping and kneading your breasts and ass. You’re too scared to move, fearing the consequences of resisting, praying that maybe this is it, that you’ll be let off when he gets his fill of feeling you up. But you can’t help the way you yelp and instinctively struggle against his hold when he tires of your frozen state and decides to ruthlessly twist your nipples and shove a thick finger into your tight hole.
“There we go. Glad to know you’re still alive and kicking. I don’t enjoy fucking dead and broken toys like that pink haired bastard does.”
Pink haired bastard? Your mind briefly flashes to a hazy picture you’re sure you had seen in one of the patient files. What was his name-
You shriek as Toji shoves another finger alongside the digit already in you, sobbing as you feel him stretching your walls, relentlessly pounding his fingers in and out of you, his fingers painfully pulling at your nipples. All you hear is his grunts in your ears and you clench your eyes in disgust when you feel a long hard object grinding against you, knowing full well what it is without even looking.
He’s going to rape and kill you. This is how it all ends. And you wait for it, the searing pain of that massive shaft impaling you. But it never comes and before you know it you’re moaning as he twists and flexes until he finds that soft spongy spot inside of you, insistently rubbing and stroking it with curled fingers as he continues dry humping you from behind.
You’re so lost in the sensations that you don’t notice how your body is betraying you as it unconsciously grinds back against Toji’s hand, your ass shaking and pressing even harder against Toji’s cock. It’s funny how easily you’ve lost any common sense, but you’re not here to be a vapid bimbo toy. He’ll save that side of you for one his fellow inhabitants who’ll appreciate it more and he abruptly pulls his now soaked digits out of you, snorting at how you whine from the loss.
You look so confused, so stupid as he rapidly finishes himself off, hooking down your bottoms low enough for him to shoot his sticky seed all over the inner fabric of your panties. And he grins when you practically moan as he pulls your undergarments back into place, cruelly tugging a tad too hard and wedging his cum and the stained lace deep between your abused folds.
You’re panting, looking like a wreck as you try to ground yourself from the dizzying confusion of being pulled right from the brink of an orgasm, the emptiness of your edging making your head foggy. But then something sharp is being pressed against your vulnerable neck and it’s enough to have fear jolt you back to your senses.
“Don’t be such a boring slut. Time to run and hide again. It’s playtime, bitch. Or maybe you need me to cut you up a bit. Pain’s always a good motivator.”
He’s barely finished speaking before you’re shoving him and his knife away from you and he whistles in appreciation as he watches you race away again, taking his time to tuck himself back in his pants. You’ll need as much of a head start anyway to even try and remotely make some sense of this labyrinth he knows every corner of. Not that any advantage will actually help you much. Toji’s never had a prey he couldn’t catch.
How many times has he found you and released you after defiling you just a bit more every time? Neither of you can keep track and only when Toji has shoved his cock in all three of your holes, filling every orifice with his cum and fuckig you until you can barely walk does your session end. It’s almost comical how he has to quite literally drag you back to the elevator you had come from and he cruelly laughs at the white sticky trail you’re leaving behind you with your loose holes unable to keep in the copious fluids.
You barely register what’s happening, too exhausted, too fucked out of your mind to even be bothered by the rough friction of the ground against your body, only mildly stunned by the fact that the elevator you had frantically tried to re-enter is now innocently open. And it’s with muted despair that you realize what fate has in store for you as Toji presses the button of the next lower level.
Gojo Satoru
The neatly labeled name is all you register before the elevator doors slide open and you’re shoved out of it, blearily making out the sight of Toji tauntingly waving at you from inside the metal enclosure.
“See you at tomorrow’s session, doc.”
Your world goes dark as the elevator doors shut.
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Hi, I just found your blog recently and am absolutely loving it! I have a question and I apologise in advance if you've already answered it. But I'm a person who, as soon as I talk to people outside my comfort zone, shuts down (social anxiety yeahh) and gets annoyed afterwards because I can't concentrate on the details of the person infront of me. It's like I'm in a trance or paralysis (idk how to describe it better, so sorry) Do you have any tips to prevent this or to improve myself?
Heyy, thanks for the question!
So first of all i would like to clarify i don't have that much experience with this problem, while i am an introvert, i don't have any semblance of social anxiety or even shyness, if you want to ask a deductionist that has much more experience in this field than i do i encourage you to ask @sleuth2k7
Now, i noticed you liked my "Deduction: passive or active?" post at around the same time you asked me this, which is great because that means i can reference that post in this answer!
So my first advice (funnily enough) is to not follow the advice on that specific post, not at first at least. As an experienced deductionist sometimes i write posts that are better suited for other experienced deductionists, that post specifically explains how interaction with the subject and the environment you're deducing can greatly improve your skills, but it's worth noting that beginners will probably have a harder time adopting that approach when starting out. Don't be afraid to just not demand these skills of yourself just yet, it's hard enough to deal with social anxiety as it is without the added worry of having to deduce as you deal with social anxiety. It's okay to adopt a more "bird watching" approach to deduction at first, an approach that involves sitting in a public space (or wherever the subject you're deducing is) without actually interacting with the people or the environment and limiting yourself to just observe and train your deduction skills from afar. Once your deduction skills are cemented enough and you don't have to dedicate a good chunk of your brain power to deducing, you can start integrating more interactive approaches to your method.
My second piece of advice (and again, this comes from my own experience, don't feel bad if this doesn't work with your situation, it just means you have to apply a different approach) don't try to make deductions as you interact with people, rather treat it as a very long "information gathering" stage. As you're talking to someone don't worry about deductions just yet, just observe, take mental notes of what you can (it doesn't have to be a lot, even a small amount of information can lead to an interesting deduction), and focus on noticing things. Anything from what words they often use when speaking, to how they're dressed, to how dirty their shoes are, and take note of that information. Once you're out of that social situation make deductions about the person retroactively using the information you took note of. This takes away some of the stress of having to interact with the person, observe them carefully and deeply, and make complex connections and deductions about those observations all at the same time, and it breaks the process down so you only have to worry about 1) observing as much as you can (and let me emphasise on as much as you can, remember that while we're aiming for a certain level of observation skills, we all have our limits with which we're comfortable) and 2) interacting with the person. The other complex stuff can come later
And finally a quick thing to keep in mind is that you should make being comfortable and calm (as much as possible) your priority, it's better to keep your cool and only push yourself to observe 2 or 3 things about a person that you can then use to deduce stuff about them, than to aim to observe 10 or 20 things while you deduce stuff about them, and getting overwhelmed because it's too much and your social anxiety is making things worse, and ending up not observing anything at all. you can get valuable practice with 2 or 3 observations, you can get no practice in with no observations, work within your limits to be able to expand them
I do hope some of this helped, and if you have any other questions just send them over!
Happy Observing!
-DV
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magic-hcs · 2 years ago
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Yay!! A new UT HC blog!! Welcoome! 💕
Let's start off with something general!
Do your boys have some special magic abilities? 🌟
Thank you for welcoming me anon, I’m happy to be here!
My boys have for sure some interesting magic abilities, I’ll even be happy so tell you some of their skills. A little bonus for being this blog’s first HC!
If you like what you read, please consider dropping a comment.
Time to cast some magic and see what we’ll get! ✨✨
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✨✨
(UT)
Sans: He can when he knows coordinates of the place short cut towards it, images ain’t super necessary but it makes it easier if he does have an image.
Inside encounters he can check his opponent, outside of battle it’s harder and he won’t be able to see your LOVE.
He’s a science person (don’t ask me what kind I don’t know specifics dthdghhhhj)
Papyrus: He can levitate quite a bit off the ground and make objects levitate a bit without the use of blue magic.
He's capable of using healing magic but it's not as advanced.
This is not a magic ability but he can feel other peoples emotions when it’s strong enough. People “leak” emotions constantly, the amount dependent on how strong the emotions are. Like if your miserable you’ll leak lots of specific kinds of sadness. Papyrus can feel that leaking emotions as well as his own.
✨✨
(US)
Sky: He can move himself into a small tear in the void to ultimately short cut to another space.
He can see tears of the void like you see when it’s so hot your sight starts to wobble.
Checking LOVE is a bit harder for him but instead of LOVE he checks the amounts of EXP your need before next level.
He also got amazing stamina able to sprint very long distances.
Syrup: He can see the density of objects and manipulate it in a way so he can easily lift a coach or make lifting a feather almost impossible.
He got the best poker face of all.
✨✨
(HT)
Bear: Bear is unable to shortcut.
His check skills are outstanding though.
Through the cruel environment bear gotten bigger, stronger, sharper and faster. He can crush a skull with one hand, bulldoze through 2 stone walls before he’s slowed down.
With much effort Bear can rip a vertebrae in the form of an ax out of the ground.
He’s gotten very sensitive hearing to make up for his very bad sight. He could if he’d focus hear a mouse scuttle across the floor.
Bean: He can’t levitate anymore due to his past environment being cruel to him.
However due to evolving to fit the environment he can make himself weightless to be able to stealthy move around.
He also got stronger, sharper and bigger, with a slash of his claws he could slice through wood as if he’s swatting at a fly.
His hearing gotten way better just like bear.
Since some triggers hinder him day to day life he’s been practicing to utilize magic that makes him capable of seeing an silhouette of objects through fabric.
His healing magic is still there but less potent.
✨✨
(SF)
Razzle: With an image and or name he can teleport towards his destination without it having drain much of his magic.
His check ability ain’t the best but he has a sixth sense for problem people and alright people.
Razzle got sharp claws able to cut through glass.
He got connections to many places and people.
He’s a strategist true and through.
Coal: He can walk through walls and can sink into the floors.
He’s capable to sketch real life like images of things he sees with charcoal.
He can sense aura’s/magic signatures.
Mastiff: He can put targets on peoples back to locate them easily again, he has to see them in person to do that though, he needs an image and a magic signature/aura.
Since he was kept with DR Gaster longer then the others he got some of Razzle’s abilities but lesser, he has to activate his sixth sense ability with magic and has to focus on one person specifically. He can summon a lesser version of gaster blasters
He got a very good poker face.
Mastiff got massive control of his bone attacks.
✨✨
(UF)
Red: Can quickly short cut short distances in rapid fire, but long distance is a bit harder.
He has a bit difficulty checking anything except LOVE ATK and DEF. Red'sreal handy with his hands, loving to tinker with machinery and stuff (made his own motorcycle from scratch once)
Charon: He’s capable to stick stuff and people onto walls.
He taught himself a magic where he can summon all kinds of bone weapons, each with their unique specialty.
He got abnormal strength and animals gravitate towards him.
✨✨
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✨✨
Thank you for participating with this spell, I hope it was to your satisfaction!
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tth-pdf · 4 years ago
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Burning for love; JJK [03]
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Contents: Smut, little bit of dirty talk, supernatural themes, romance, fluff, unedited.
Pairing: Werewolf!alpha!jungkook x omega!reader
Summary: A handsome man is hunting you in the dreams world, making every day more difficult to repress the need to come find him in the middle of the night to submit yourself to his every wish.
Requests: ON
A/N: Hello angels, sorry for the LONG wait, was so busy with school and depressing myself, but here it is, I tried to do my best and please also remember that English is not my first language be kind (😩), sorry for any grammar mistake, enjoy it and take care besties! 💖
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Jungkook was insatiable, he just couldn’t seem to get enough of you, he has already fuck you senseless on the kitchen counter, the sofa, the living room floor, the restroom sink, simply everywhere, but he seem to want more and more and more, he wanted so much that you could hardly believe it.
Right now you were waking up, feeling incredibly good, feeling like everything was fine, but those emotions were gone as soon as common sense started to come back to you. Yesterday, Jungkook’s hands everywhere, that incredible first orgasm, but the one who made it happen… His scent, his bright eyes, strong arms making you feel like you can do it all, but above all the interest he had in you, what makes you feel on cloud nine it’s the way he seemed to be mesmerized by your expressions and sounds, knowing right where to touch without a doubt. Almost every space in your skin was painted by the ferocity with which he seems to love you, that marks on your skin being the carnal representation of your wonderful night but insecurities started to rise right at this moment, your mother will be mad, she will yell at you that in the pack were more suitable omegas for alpha Jungkook, the nasty glances and the possibility that some of the females in the pack may try to take what is yours, damn, the mere thought of it makes your eyes turn bright red provoked by the sudden rage coursing through your body. Immediately sensing the unpleasant feelings in you Jungkook comes out of the bathroom, wet hair and drops of water running down his body, making your mouth water, so just like magic your body and inner wolf instruct you to crawl to the end of the bed and touch him, to offer yourself to him, second thoughts completely forgotten by now so you follow your instincts and touch and admire from his hard abdomen to caressing his broad shoulders and just show him that look in your eyes, the one he knows like the back of his hand consequence of all the hours spent admiring and getting to know your body.
“Little girl woke up hungry?”
A hand of his goes to your waist and the other caress your cheek and just like fire can light up the darkest place your senses explode inside of you and once again everything feels a hundred times more, all the textures around you, you can hear the sounds of children and women playing in the distance, even the steps of the smallest animal but his deep chuckle brings you to him again and you feel like melting. Even kneeling at the edge of the bed he is much taller than you, (like a shelter for the most difficult moments in life), warm and golden skin beneath your fingertips and the delicious beating of his heart calming all your nerves and insecurities.
You look right back at him with the same intensity, different shades of golden dancing in your eyes while his are different shades of deep purple, the connection between both of you more palpable than never, trying not to break the eye contact you turn your face to his nearest scent gland, which means is his wrist, basking yourself in his delicious aroma.
“I see what you are at puppy, but I’m afraid that I can only deal with you once before I leave”
His last words hit you hard making you feel like drowning and desperate from one moment to another.
“Are you leaving?, I thought that this days… Were for us”
He can see your teary eyes making him wish he had never said that, breaking his heart a little.
“Don’t be like that baby, I will make sure to end that meeting as soon as I can to come back to your arms but you will have to be a good girl and wait here”
You know he is in a hurry but you can not help but want submit to his wonderful hands and simply seduce him to have him eating out of the palm of your hand, have him only for yourself and memorize all his features.
“You promised it, you said you were going to make me a priority always, you lied to me”
You weren’t usually like this, but when he is around your common sense flies out of the window, so while you're throwing a tantrum and moving uncontrollably under his body he grows impatient and his alpha instincts kick in, putting with undeniably force both your wrists above your head and growls, the signal he’s giving you to submit, the air in the bedroom changing its way.
“Pretty girls know how to wait and to obey their alphas, I already told you I was sorry puppy and remember that I don’t fucking owe apologies to anyone, if I knew this wasn’t important I would have told them to fuck up, you should know your place baby, but good news for you, I’m feeling like even though you have been a little bit of a bad girl you deserve to remember me all over this pretty skin while I’m gone, isn’t that what my puppy wanted, huh?”
He manhandles you until you’re comfortably seated en his strong tights, holding his gaze you can see all the things he wants you to know, all that shit that cannot be said, all the things that are not expressed in a good way by putting them into words, so instead you will use your bond and body.
“Sit on my dick slow baby, make it hurt so you have something to remember, get yourself full of my pups”
And you do as you are told, you slip right where you belong to, starting to bounce yourself slow and hard but even though it feels like heaven you feel like you’re going to die because he doesn’t touch you, he is just watching.
“Touch me please or I’m going to hit you hard”
He laughs but you know he's holding back the urge to order you around.
“I love when my little girl turns all bossy”
You wiggle your hips not exactly knowing where to look but what makes you let out a loud moan of his name is the way he thrusts his incredible hips harder than you had planned, tip of his touching the spongy spot that makes you meet god in person.
“If I’m not gonna have you for a while at least show me that fierce side of you one more time baby, gods above, look at you, bouncing tits and pretty face with an even prettier voice filling my ears of pretty sounds, fuck puppy, turn around and see yourself on the mirror”
You tell him to wait a second because you want to remember him like this, beneath your body and that playful smirk but when you do turn a little your face to see the image that bites back at you is incredible, you even smile don’t exactly recognizing you but looking damn hot on top of your man. You can’t with the feelings so the first thing that comes to your mind is to grab a hold of some of his beautiful locks of hair and tug hard, enough for him to gain some more lustful rage and suddenly slam you in the mirror that both of you were looking a moment ago with such excitement, what brings you back to reality of the pleasure that does nothing but increase is the manly hand grabbing at your jaw, making it open slightly, enough for him to spit on it. And you fucking love it.
“That’s a good mate baby, swallow it all and show me”
All this time he hasn’t stopped that sinful hips of his so at this time it’s starting to hurt and you begin to loose all your grips but you now that he will catch you anyways.
All you are feeling is incredible, you fell full, satisfied. Your throat feels hoarse but it doesn’t matter as you held gazes once again, but it’s the whole moment, your own bubble. Watching his pretty eyes you realize that you have won in live, entirely.
“You don’t have a fucking idea of how bad I want to mount you everywhere until I know you are really pregnant, hell baby I love you so fucking much”
He is right in front of your face, both of your moths open but your not kissing, now he’s the one grabbing your hair into a fist but he can do whatever he wants with you right now and all you will say is thank you.
You’re both touching the finish lines and it’s then that you wonder if this is how it will always be, hot, sweaty and just incredible.
He kiss you right at the final, where both of you have reached the peak, smiling at each other like fools but entirely living the dream.
[...]
You know that Jungkook told you to not leave the room until he was back but you were really hungry and needing some fresh air, so knowing that maybe everyone was serving him in that meeting you dared to head for the nearest kitchen to just grab something and come back. You are happy when no one approach you on the way, focusing on the task to make you a quick drink and cut up some fruit.
You feel happy and complete, at ease with the environment despite missing your alpha a bit, but your clothes and body still smell like him so that’s something for now. That’s the same reason why you don’t hear the pretty and stealthy she-wolf approaching the kitchen, watching you closely.
“It stinks in here, you must have had a very good night young lady”
You jump a little because you are not supposed to see anybody in the sensitive state in which you now find yourself.
“Sorry, I wasn’t supposed to be here”
You murmured your words shyly so low that if it were not for the incredible senses of the lycanthrope body, the girl would have miss it.
She chuckles lightly and by her smell you know that she is a rare breed of a female alpha, but right now every smell its simply too much, almost unpleasant.
“No worries baby, no one else is here but me”
She is a little intimidating to be honest and It’s evident that she knows clearly what to do to get what she wants.
“I should… Probably go”
You try to rush towards the exit in order to feel protected inside the four walls where everything smells like Jungkook but just as you are about to walk through the door the pretty girl grabs you a little hard enough to make you let out a whimper. And it’s that exact moment that lets you know that something is awfully wrong, that you should have never left the room.
“Where are you going?, let me talk to you for a moment, I never had the pleasure of knowing you formally”
You know that she can her your heart beating uncontrollably and smell the fear mixed with nerves.
“Don’t be scared pretty thing just wanted to chat with you”
There’s something strange in her, something that you can’t quite put your finger on.
“This shouldn’t be happening, I’m sorry but I really should get back to-”
While interrupting you she is also forcing you to sit on the small benches that are situated in the kitchen only to bring you to a full state of discomfort and nervousness.
“Is Jungkook really into you honey?”
The sudden questions makes you blink twice and hold a breath, this seems like a pointless conversation, she didn’t even try to do some more small talk .
“Pardon…?”
“Oh my, was I too direct?”
You still don’t see the clarity of the conversation because to your eyes she looks like a lunatic, asking questions about of nowhere.
“Honey, it’s just… Have you never heard what is whispered around the pack, about him and the pretty girl of the Kim pack or even worse… The boy with the deadly beauty from the Park family”
You do have heard the rumors, they were too strong when you were younger and more naive.
“I’m afraid that… I can’t help you with anything, I should really go…”
She puts his body in front of yours so that both of her arms are locked on the wall behind you, blocking any way out.
“Damn, just listen to me for a fucking second, I thought that you knew what was best for you”
You sit still because her harsh words came out more like an alpha command and you just couldn’t fight your true nature.
“Good girl”
You would never imagined that such a mundane phrase would disgust you so much.
“I know you don’t like me wolfie but I have been very well aware of the second thoughts that run at full speed in your little head about the bond that you share with that man”
if you had one wish, you would ask to disappear from this awful situation, if only you had listened to your alpha…
“I don’t understand what you want from me, please just let me go, I’m not going to tell Jungkook”
The female alpha just laughs a little, like you have said to her the funniest thing ever.
“He and I are at the same rank honey and of course you will not tell him anything, I have something that might interest you.”
Your posture is defensive but when she says that she backs a little and you take the opportunity to relax only little bit, a new look of curiosity in your angelic and innocent features.
“I don’t want to upset you honey but look at yourself for a second and tell me if you see yourself as the perfect representation of a good mate for someone like him”
She can easily see the insecurity cross your features because if anything has been bothering you since you found out about the bond it is that.
“I have the perfect solution to all of your concerns baby, there’s someone far more suited to take your place. Look at your neck, he hasn’t even marked you, but really, don’t worry and don’t overthink it, he will be in good hands. I know someone who can make the arrangements, all safe and of course you will be having a far more suited alpha”
It’s really stupid, but you actually think about it, as if all the previous moments with him didn't matter. At the end of the day all you're looking for is his well-being and happiness, isn't it?
People are going to talk, that's for sure, but you could assure him better commentaries and a better future, even if it's not by your side, but what will happen with the few moments that both of you have shared?
“In case you were wondering… No, you will not remember, everything will be gone as soon as the bond is broken. Just think about it for a second, remember all your insecurities and the bad feelings while being his mate, that must be annoying, let yourself be happy, both of you”
You are deep in your thoughts so you miss the way her canines grow in size and that dangerous gleam in her eyes.
“I… I’ll do it”
Call yourself a fool, but that tempting offer was enough for you to maybe, just maybe get yourself a better life, but above all a better life and opportunities for him… Or at least that was what your insecure brain thought.
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Tag list: @min-nicoleee, @in-a-way-that-i-should-not, @imluckybitches, @teresaisla, @anachikartadze, @jeonwiixard, @seagulljjk
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Nexts update: ?
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meruz · 4 years ago
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once again i am answering asks in a big compilation post. included is... gotham, patrick stump, tips about drawing backgrounds, tips about drawing in general, links to my faq, and infinity train
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like.... the tv series? No... I’ve drawn dc comics fanart before, though. But it’s been years since I’ve been really into it. I like jumped ship like 10 years ago when the New 52 happened LOL.
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AFJHDSLKGH I’m sorry I (probably) won’t do it again??
Actually full disclosure I have a truly cringe amount of p stump drawings/photo studies in my sketchbook right now LOL. He’s just fun to draw... hats, glasses, guitar, a good shape... but I don’t think I’ll rly post those until I can hide them in another big sketchbook pdf.. probably Jan 2022. Stay tuned........ (ominous) 
(ominous preview)
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These are all sort of related to backgrounds/painting so I grouped them together even though they’re pretty much entirely separate questions.... ANYWAYS
a) How is it working as a BG artist? Is it hard? What show are you drawing for?
I think you’re the first person to ever ask me about my job! Being a background artist is great. It’s definitely labor intensive but I think that could describe pretty much any art job (If something were rote or easy to automate, you wouldn’t hire an artist to do it) and I hesitate to say whether its harder or easier than any other role in the animation pipeline. Plus, so much of what truly makes a job difficult varies from one production to the next, schedule, working environment, co-workers etc. But I will say that I think while BGs are generally a lot of work on the upfront, I think they’re subject to less scrutiny/revisions than something like character/props/effects design and you don’t have to pitch them to a room like boards. So I guess it’s good if you don’t like to talk to people? LOL
A lot of my previous projects + the show I’ve worked on the longest aren’t public yet so I can’t talk about em (but I assure you if/when the news does break I won’t shut up about it). But I’m currently working on Archer Season 12 LOL. I’m like 90% sure I’m allowed to say that.
b) ~~~THANK YOU!! ~~~
c) What exactly do you like to draw most [in a background]?
@kaitomiury​ Lots of stuff! I really like to draw clutter! Because it’s a great opportunity for environmental storytelling and also you can be kind of messy with it because the sheer mass will supersede any details LOL. 
I like to draw clouds... I like to draw grass but not trees lol,,, I like to draw anything that sells perspective really easily like tiled floors and ceilings, shelves, lamp posts on a street etc.
d) Do you have any tips on how to paint (observational)?
god there’s so much to say. painting is really a whole ass discipline like someone can paint their whole life and still discover new things about it. I guess if you’re really just starting out my best advice is that habit is more important than product. especially with traditional plein air painting, I find that the procedure of going outside and setting up your paints is almost harder than the actual painting. There’s a lot of artists who say “I want to do plein air sometime!!” and then never actually get around to doing it. A lot of people just end up working from google streetview or photos on their computer.
But going outside to paint is a really good challenge because it forces you to make and commit to lighting and composition decisions really quickly. And to work through your mistakes instead of against them via undo button.
My last tip is to check out James Gurney’s youtube channel because hes probably the best and most consistent resource on observational painting out there rn. There’s lots other artists doing the same thing (off the top of my head I know a lot of the Warrior Painters group has people regularly posting plein air stuff and lightbox expo had a Jesse Schmidt lecture abt it last year) but Gurney’s probably the most prolific poster and one of the best at explaining the more technical stuff - his books are great too.
e) Do you have tips for drawing cleanly on heavypaint?
@marigoldfool​ UMM LOL I LIKE ONLY USE THE FILL TOOL so maybe use the fill tool? Fill and rectangle are good for edge control as opposed to the rest of the heavy paint tools which can get sort of muddles. And also I use a stylus so maybe if you’re using your finger, find a stylus that works with your device instead. That’s all I’ve got, frankly I don’t think my drawings are particularly clean lol.
f) Tips on improving backgrounds/scenes making them more dynamic practicing etc?
Ive given some tips about backgrounds/scenes before so I’m not gonna re-tread those but here’s another thing that might be helpful...
I think a good way to approach backgrounds is to think of the specific story or even mood you want to convey with the background first. Thinking “I just need to put something behind this character” is going to lead you to drawing like... a green screen tourist photo backdrop. But if you think “I need this bg to make the characters feel small” or “I need this bg to make the world feel colorful” then it gives you requirements and cues to work off of.
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If I know a character needs to feel overwhelmed and small, then I know I need to create environment elements that will cage them in and corner them. If a character needs to feel triumphant/on top of the world then I know I need to let the environment open up around them. etc. If I know my focal point/ where I want to draw attention, I can build the background around that.
Also, backgrounds like figure compositions will have focal points of their own and you can draw attention to it/ the relationship the characters have with the bg element via scale or directionality or color, any number of cues. I think of it almost as a second/third character in a scene.
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Not every composition is gonna have something so obvious like this but it helps me to think about these because then the characters feel connected and integrated with the environment.
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Some more general art questions
a) Do you have any process/tips to start drawing character/bodies/heads?
I tried to kind of draw something to answer this but honestly this is difficult for me to answer because I don’t think I’m that great at drawing characters LOL. Ok, I think I have two tips.
1) flip your canvas often. A lot about what makes human bodies look correct and believable is symmetry and balance. Even if someone has asymmetrical features, the body will often pull and push in a way to counterbalance it. we often have inherent biases to one side or another like dominant hands dominant eyes etc. you know how right-handed artists will often favor drawing characters facing 45 degrees facing (the artist’s) left? that’s part of it. so viewing your drawing flipped even just to evaluate it helps compensate for that bias and makes you more aware of balance.
2) draw the whole figure often. I feel like a lot of beginner artists (myself included for a long time) defer to just drawing headshots or busts because it’s easier, you dont have to think about posing limbs etc. But drawing a full body allows you to better gauge proportion, perspective, body language, everything that makes a character look believable and grounded.
Like if you (me) have that issue where you draw the head too big and then have to resize it to fit the proportions of the rest of the body, it’s probably because you (I) drew the head first and are treating the body as an afterthought/attachment. Sketching out the whole figure first or even just quick drawing guides for it will help you think of it more holistically. I learned this figure drawing in charcoal at art school LOL.
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oh. third mini tip - try to draw people from life often! its the best study. if you can get into a figure drawing/nude drawing class EVEN BETTER and if you have a local college/art space/museum that hosts those for free TREASURE IT AND TAKE ADVANTAGE OF IT, that’s a huge boon that a lot of artists (me again) wish they had. though if youre not so lucky and youre sitting in a park trying to creeper draw people and they keep moving.. don’t let that stop you! that’s good practice because it’s forcing you to work fast to get the important stuff down LOL. its a challenge!
b) I’ve been pretty out of energy and have had no inspiration to draw but I have the desire to. Any advice?
Dude, take a walk or something.... Or a nap? Low energy is going to effect everything else so you gotta hit that problem at its source.
If you’re looking for inspiration though, I’d recommend stuff like watching a movie, reading a book, playing video games etc. Fill up your idea bank with content and then give yourself time/space to gestate it into new concepts. Sometimes looking at other art works but sometimes it can work against you because it’s too close. 
Also something that helps me is remembering that art doesn’t always have to be groundbreaking... like it’s okay to make something shitty and stupid that you don’t post online and only show to your friend. That’s all part of the process imo. If you want to hit a home run you gotta warm up first, right? Sports.
I should probably compile everytime i give tips on stuff like this but that’s getting dangerously close to being a social media artist who makes stupid boiled down art tutorials for clout which is the last thing i want to be... the thing I want to stress is that art is a whole visual language and there are widely agreed upon rules and customs but they exist in large part to be broken. Like there's an infinite number of ways to reach an infinite number of solutions and that’s actually what makes it really cool and personal for both the artist and the viewer. So when you make work you like or you find someone else’s work you like, take a step back and ask yourself what about it speaks for you, what about it works for you, what makes it effective, how to recreate that effect and how to break that effect completely, etc. And have a good time with it or else what’s the point.
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for the first 2, I direct you to my FAQ
For the last one, I don’t actually believe I’ve ever addressed artwork as insp for stories/rp but I’ll say here and now yeah go ahead! As long as you’re not making profit or taking credit for my work then I’m normally ok with it. Especially anything thats private and purely recreational, that’s generally 100% green light go. I only ask that if you post it anywhere public that you please credit me.
(and I reserve the right to ask you to take it down if I see it and don’t approve of it’s use but I think that case is pretty rare.)
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a) @lemuelzero101 Thank you!!! I haven’t played Life is Strange but actually  that series’ vis dev artist Edouard Caplain is one of my bigger art inspirations lately so that’s a really high compliment lol. And yeah I hope we get 5-8 too...!
b) Thank you for sticking around! I’ve been thinking about Digimon and Infinity Train in tandem lately, actually. They’re a little similar? Enter a dangerous alternate world and have wacky adventures with monsters/inanimate objects that have weird powers... there’s like weird engineers and mechanisms behind the scenes... also frontier literally starts with them getting on a train. Anyways if anyone else followed me for digimon... maybe you’d like Infinity Train? LOL
c) @king-wens-king I’M GLAD MY ART JUST HAS PINOY VIBES LOL I hope you are having a good day too :^)
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a, b, c, d) yessss my Watch Infinity Train agenda is working....
e) aw thank you!! i think you should watch infinity train :)
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nohoney · 3 years ago
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what a lovely life i made
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note: i really should be working on my wips but i felt compelled to quickly draw up this work after watching a few clips from euphoria and doing some reflecting on my own experiences which are lightly sprinkled into this piece. part of the story is actually sort of the alternate idea i had for my us series which i ultimately set aside for the plot i have for it now. i know we all love a drug dealer/drug addict! dabi with a helpless reader that watches him self destruct from the sidelines if not by his side. but this piece is a drug addict! reader with drug dealer! dabi with a lil side of keigo.
warnings: 18+, drug use, angst, smut, toxic relationships, gaslighting, codependence, emotional manipulation
summary:
In those spaces of time between the come down and your body sobering up, he connects with you and you reach for him with a firm grasp. He calls you pretty, kisses you deeper, and hugs you tighter and tells you that out of everyone he’s ever done this with, he enjoys your company the most. And you fell for him even more, kissed him and told him that you were his.
You cry even harder, the strain of living a double life catching up to you in this moment.
Arms encircle you and a gentle voice hushes you, “I know it’s hard dove, I know…”
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It’s awkward to stand in front of a small crowd of people and lie to their faces all while you wear a contrite smile.
All eyes are on you as you speak your story to them, people with similar backgrounds like yours and the workers who assemble the function give you their attention as you stand at the podium at the front of the room. You were never the presentation type, always with a keep-your-head-down kind of attitude and only really bringing up the energy to be outgoing if you were in the right environment or if you were fueled by the right things to bring you out of your shell. Being outgoing was never really your thing but lying… you were good at lying.
Right now you recount your week, retell a small memory from the last year that makes a few nod their heads or hum in acknowledgement, and you remember to speak encouragingly to the crowd in front of you, “Every day is a struggle to get better but it’s a struggle I want to go through, and we’ll all pull through it together.”
They eat it up, they loved that last line as they clap for you.
You lied to their faces, you had to make it look genuine because you were in that room for a reason. Just needing to sit through this program, participate, and do what you must so you can get your paper signed.
Their applause does genuinely make you smile though, even if the feelings you told and the almost fake tears to elicit that reaction weren’t real. A little smile and a bow, you tell everyone thank you for listening to you and sit back in your seat. The next person takes the stand, someone recently added to the group; it’s a new person who’s just joining for the very first time. You can see how they twitch and shift uncomfortably, glancing up briefly to the crowd and they shakily announce their name.
Everyone says hello.
You don’t, just mouth the words to make it look like you did.
Your turn is over so now all you have to do is just sit and look as if you’re paying attention.
It’s almost over… and then you can get up and leave.
The hard part is over at least and now it’s just an easy cruise to the finish line.
The next half hour passes painfully slow but you made it, going towards a volunteer and sliding your paper towards them. They notate and sign for the current date, look up at you, smile and tell you that you’re doing a great job with yourself. It’s all words that you’ve heard before, constant repetition from the volunteers and your parents and your counselor. It’s important for progress to acknowledge all the little milestones you achieve, it helps push you forward in a good direction and onto the path that’s better for you in the long run. Every single day counts, every instance where you refuse temptations is something to be proud of, that one day you’ll forget the poison that you loved so much and be happy without it.
It’s easy for you to lie about it all.
You were good at lying about your secret before up until you accidentally screwed yourself in a fit of anger. You’re still good at lying but now you’ll have to be extra sneaky about it, especially having to take into account with these meetings that you have to attend to on the regular. It sucks that this has to be apart of your routine but you have to play the part if you want to be out of it.
“How long has it been for you?” someone asks you.
“Sixty days.” you answer.
The length of time matters here.
They hug you, a big smile coming onto their face and they squeeze you tight against their body. “Oh congratulations! Pretty soon you’ll make it to a hundred!”
Little did they know that you never made it past day five since returning back home.
A little pin is placed in your hand and even though you felt a little proud of yourself for lying so easily earlier, looking down at the small piece of metal suddenly makes you feel ill. Someone else deserves to be given this pin, not you. But you have to accept it if you’re going to continue the lie, swallow down the bile that wants to come up your throat and take it. You control the shake of your hands as you place the pin on your shirt, flashing it for just a few seconds before pulling your cardigan over it.
Just a few more minutes and you can rip the damn thing off.
Such a small thing on your chest and yet it feels like a hundred pound weight as you linger in the room and eventually file out with the rest of the group. You wave to fellow group members that you speak every so often to and walk in the direction of home. When you feel like there’s enough distance between you and the building, you take the pin off of your shirt and look down at it with a frown.
‘Congratulations! 60 Days Clean!’
A big fat fucking lie.
You almost want to chuck it over the bridge that you know is coming up on your route. And yet even though you don’t deserve to hold onto the pin, a small part of you wants to. So you shove it in your pocket, out of sight and out of mind as you walk your path. Maybe one day you’ll actually reach that milestone of sixty days clean but as of now you can barely make it past twenty. Some part of you wants to actually mean it when you want to reset everything but then you think of him and remember why you continue to lie at your group meetings.
Because being clean means that you don’t have a reason to see him anymore.
“Doll… you are so pretty.”
The first words he ever spoke to you.
At just the memory alone, you can feel the curl of his finger along your jaw and remember the smell of his cologne combined with cigarette smoke. The way he touched you so delicately and easily invaded your space, asking what a pretty girl was doing at such a nasty house party and what you were on. Your pupils were like dinner plates and just the softest touch against your skin had you purring, he knew what he was doing when he said those charming words to you and skimmed the tips of his fingers across your collarbone.
“What are you on right now?” he asked you, leaning even closer into your space and you feel like you can go swimming in his eyes. Shining sapphires that look down at amusement at you when you reached up to pet his dark and then dragged it down to tug on the collar of his shirt. He took your hand in his and pressed his lips to the back of your hand, simply holding it there as he waited patiently for your answer.
You were friends with molly that night.
And you made friends with Dabi that night too.
He had other things to do that night but he had slipped you a piece of paper with his number on it along with a little yellow pill with a happy face on it. It made you chuckle when you opened it, carefully tucking the piece of paper into your phone case for safe keeping and then popping the little pill to continue your roll.
As all over your mind was that night, your mind kept on going back to Dabi. Even with your friends who you cooed over and they cooed over you, even with the roaring bass of EDM music vibrating your body, even with the boy who took you into a back room and you rode on top of him until you dived off the cliff and came together with him, all your thoughts went back to Dabi. A handsome stranger that you barely had an hour’s worth of conversation with and yet he wouldn’t leave your mind alone.
It certainly helped that his molly was pretty fucking good and that you’d like to get another whenever you felt like rolling again.
It takes a day and a half to recover from the come down and you go to your health clinic to test and make sure that you didn’t catch anything from that boy you fucked while on your roll. And when you feel like you’re back to normal and your results come out clean from your physician, that’s when you hit Dabi up. You think that he gave you his number because you thought he had a personal interest in you.
Turns out he just saw you as another potential client for him and asked if you were interested in getting another tab of molly.
That should have been enough reason to turn away from him, you were lured in by the fantasy of him while you were on molly and were viewing him through that doped up lens when you met him at the party.
Yet you smiled and asked him, “What do you have that’s good?”
Oh did Dabi have quite the inventory for you to explore, it was almost all so overwhelming. And he did it all with his arm around your shoulder, the pads of his fingers pressing comfortably into your skin and you couldn’t help leaning towards him. It took a lot of effort to not just stare up at him the entire time as he asked you what you were interested in. He had a beautiful side profile, several piercings line the cartilage of his ear and you take notice of the studs on the right side of his nose. His arms are decorated in tattoos, his left looks to be a whole sleeve while his right is a collage of small and medium sized designs. It’s quite an eclectic collection of art he’s acquired on his body and you’re sure that you’re not the first girl to swoon over his body art.
He’s so fucking pretty.
And it’s Dabi’s ridiculously pretty face that had you coming back.
Not just the drugs, it’s Dabi.
You remember the first time you watched him cut lines of cocaine, watching curiously as he inhaled two lines and ran the edge of his credit card on the inside of his lip. He offered to make you a line and you remember how he had to stifle how smug he felt when you told him that you’d never done cocaine before; so you hadn’t lost your cocaine virginity and it would be up to Dabi to hold your hand. He thought how adorable you were how you eyed the line he cut for you, waiting patiently to work up the nerve to give it a try. After an hour of waiting, he was proud to say to you, “That’s my girl.”
Oh if you weren’t already enamored with him already, he had shot an arrow through your heart with just those three words. Did he know what he was doing to you, making you fall in love with him and his pretty pills and powders?
And he had noticed it, noticed how you sort of buckled a little when he said that to you. A playful smirk had come onto his face, eyeing you up and down before turning his attention to a little scale he had set out on the coffee table. He measured half a gram and puts it into a little plastic baggy, drops it in your hand and tells you that it’s on the house.
You’re hooked.
Not on the cocaine… actually, yes on the cocaine but really you were hooked on Dabi.
He was simply your dealer, your connect when you first started associating with him and yet even though your relationship in the beginning was purely transactional, it was the only thing that you looked forward to. You were obsessed with wanting to know more of him, buying grams or the occasional eightball and spending all nighters with friends to share the coke so that you could go back and buy another gram off of him. Your friends had no idea, they were just excited to get their noses powdered. Even when your nose gets plugged from inhaling too much of the fine white powder, hell it even fucking bleeds because you’re doing too much, you only think that you can’t let it go to waste.
Dabi wouldn’t waste his cocaine.
You’re not wasting Dabi’s cocaine.
“Geez, you’re becoming a little coke fiend aren’t ya?”
“Ehehe… well yours is too good, what can I say?”
You finally breached the line from client to friend when you stopped by and you brought him just a little tupperware of homemade cookies. A rather simple gesture but something in the way you offered them to him had touched something within him, he takes it and pops the lid off to reach for the first cookie on the top. It was your grandmother’s recipe that took you a while to really get the hang of perfecting and you feel so giddy when Dabi hums at the taste and tells you, “Damn doll, these are fucking good.”
More praise!
He asked you if you’d like to join him in his home not as a customer but as a guest.
Of course you said yes.
━━━━✧
You walk in the direction of your home, a slight breeze in the air as the day starts to draw to a close and the sun begins to set. The sun is behind you as you walk on the concrete sidewalk, casting long shadows that will eventually disappear behind the horizon and stars will litter the sky. For now you bask in the warmth of the sun and palette of the sky above you, tones of oranges and red and pinks that blend together so beautifully that you’re actually glad that to look at it with your own eyes.
It actually brings a smile to your face.
After a few blocks, you turn a corner and the buildings of downtown eventually become a residential neighborhood. There are families and individuals that do their daily walks with their babies or their pets, you give a polite smile and nod if you happen to walk on the same sidewalk as them. It’s a nice little neighborhood that you feel very fortunate to be residing in, though you’re not living all on your own.
Pushing your house key into the lock of your front door, the locks give way as you turn the key left to unlock it and let yourself in. You toe your shoes off and put them on the shoe rack at the  very front, your shoes on the top row and the bottom row belonging to your roommate. You announce your name into your home and you’re greeted by your roommate and best friend. “I’m back Keigo.”
A head of blonde hair pops up from the couch and he smiles at you, watching as you round the couch to join him. “Welcome back dove, how did it go?”
“Went well, here ya go.”
You hand him your sheet to prove to him you went to your meeting and even present the pin to him— good thing you hadn’t decided to chuck it over the bridge like you had originally wanted.
It was easy to lie to a crowd of people that you don’t really care about but it hurts to lie to Keigo. He was your first friend when you moved into town, a shining personality that everyone was attracted to and yet you became his closest friend ever. You felt like you could tell him anything and he’d always hold your hand and tell you everything was going to be okay. Keigo was the only person you trusted your entire life with and yet you want to throw up as you blatantly lie to him as if he were another nobody like those people in your group.
But Keigo’s not a nobody.
He was the one that had started expressing concern over your growing addiction when a little bit of coke every once in a while started becoming every other day, he was the one who endured your spitting and flailing and restrained you when you were suffering from withdrawals, he was the one who’d have to deal with your come downs and care for you, he was the one who found your stash of pills and coke in the secret box hidden in your dresser when you swore that you didn’t have any on you.
He was the one that found you overdosing in your room.
Looking up at the ceiling and body unable to move, you were choking on your vomit and Keigo had rushed in and called emergency services when he had heard the unusual sounds of you dying coming from your room.
Your overdose put a very big dent in your relationship and it was already going through the wringer before because of Keigo’s dislike of Dabi.
As much as you loved Dabi, you couldn’t bear to lose Keigo so you were doing what you could to repair your relationship. It wouldn’t go back to what it used to be after what had happened, but you wanted to try to make it up to him.
Keigo didn’t like Dabi at all, not just because of the drugs you kept on going back for, but also because you knew that he was in love with you and Dabi had stolen your heart without ever trying.
He never said anything but you could see it in everything he did, the utmost devotion and care and love he has towards you. All of what he did was something straight out of a romance movie, what girls sigh and swoon over and would glare daggers at you for having. The way his eyes crinkled when he looked your way, the lingering touch of his hand on yours when you sat across the dinner table from one another, how he only cracks the biggest smile when he’s around you. Keigo had a lot of admirers that he could pick and choose from and yet he loves you instead.
He still loved you during your fits of rage, when you were unnecessarily snappy, when depression hit you so hard you could barely move, through all of it he loved you. You’d given him a lot of reasons to not have you in his life, the worst one was when you threatened him with broken mirror shard during a bad roll. He was really something to go through it all with you, always providing your safe space and giving a calm that no one else’s company has ever given you because in the end, he always held you and whispered tender words while you sobbed for forgiveness for being a cunt to him.
A big part of you knows that the obvious choice to choose for a good partner would be Keigo. He’s kind and funny and smart and handsome with a good future ahead of him, everything a girl dreams of for a boyfriend and potential husband. He already does so much for you, more than a best friend should, and the least you could do was love him back the same way he does for you.
And yet you just… don’t.
It breaks your heart a little bit because one part of you really wants to try to fall in love with Keigo, it just makes sense to.
But you can’t force love.
You do, however, force a smile on your face for him.
It feels horrible to lie to Keigo.
You don’t deserve the way his eyes shine at you and how he pulls you into his arms to hug you tight. You don’t deserve the congratulations he gives you and how he presses a kiss to the top of your head. You don’t deserve the little home cooked meal he had prepped ahead of time while you were out at your group meeting nor do you deserve his kindness and love.
I’m such a piece of shit.
You try to hold yourself together, you have to for Keigo’s sake because you don’t want to put a damper on his mood. He has an old polaroid camera that he likes to take pictures with, his strong arm pulls you to his side and he faces the lens towards the both of you. “Say cheese!”
Somehow you manage to crack a smile just right before the flash goes off.
The polaroid is printed and the picture of you and Keigo is filtered through completely. He takes a marker off of the nearby pen tray and writes on the bottom of it ’60 Days!’ before handing it to you. “A pin is nice but I feel like this would be a little more sentimental to hold onto. I’m so proud of you dove.” Keigo showers you with praise for keeping up your sobriety for so long and you almost want to scream at him. His accolades feel like cuts into your heart, not stab wounds, little lines that sting with just a bit of blood bubbling at the surface. Keigo is not just any person and yet you lie to him the same way you do to your group members, your counselor and to your friends. “You really have come a long way.”
In the safety of your room with music playing gently from the speakers of your television, you cry into your pillow with the polaroid and pin sitting on your bedside table.
In the storm of your mind, you blame Keigo. He’s your best friend and yet he has no clue that you were lying to his face. If he knew you so well, why hasn’t he caught you in your lies yet? If he’s your best friend, how come he hasn’t pieced it together the little string of lies you tell him and call you out on it? If Keigo loves you so much, shouldn’t he be keeping a better eye on you? He’s the one in charge of you since getting back from rehab and yet he has no clue that you came back with the intention of not staying clean.
And then you hate yourself.
There’s no reason for you to hate Keigo for problems that are all your own.
You should do the right thing and just fess up, come clean about not actually being clean and apologize to everyone. Apologize to the group members that you meet with regularly, apologize to your friends, apologize to your parents, but grovel for forgiveness to Keigo. He’s invested so much time and energy to you, saving your life and talked you into voluntarily checking yourself into rehab even though you didn’t want to and you blamed him for the two months you spent of your life in a blank white facility with group meetings and scare tactics. You were sorry about it now and yet there you were not too long ago blaming him in your mind when he deserved none of it.
It’s not his fault that you’re lying to everyone’s faces and his own including and it’s not his fault that you’re not staying clean.
Your phone lights up with a notification and a small chime echoes from your phone but not loud enough for it to be heard over the music.
There it is, your reason for not staying clean.
‘Miss you doll. Come see me tomorrow.’
Despite your guilt, despite the disgust you have towards yourself, you don’t ignore or block the text message. Instead you answer right away, a string in your heart that makes a small smile come to your face when its pulled whenever it comes to him. One minute you’re crying over yourself and the web of lies you weaved, the next you’re weakly smiling at your phone because he messaged you.
‘Yes Dabi.’
Guilt sets in again when you set your phone face down on the table.
You cry into your pillow again.
You cry for yourself and the lies you have to keep up, you cry for the pain you brought to your loved ones when word got out about your overdose, you cry for Keigo when he’s done nothing but care for you, you cry knowing you don’t deserve him, and you cry at your own pathetic little self for knowing that you can’t live this lie for very long and yet no part of you is strong enough to fight it.
You don’t want to give any of it up.
It calls to you.
Dabi calls to you.
And he has those lovely pills and white powder measured exactly on a scale waiting for you to take away this pain you want to escape.
The only way to love Dabi is to pop the pills and snort lines of coke with him and that love you have for him shines even stronger when the both of you are on a come down together, weakly nursing one another until you’re sober again. In those spaces of time between the come down and your body sobering up, he connects with you and you reach for him with a firm grasp. He calls you pretty, kisses you deeper, and hugs you tighter and tells you that out of everyone he’s ever done this with, he enjoys your company the most. And you fell for him even more, kissed him and told him that you were his.
You cry even harder, the strain of living a double life catching up to you in this moment.
Arms encircle you and a gentle voice hushes you, “I know it’s hard dove, I know…”
You hadn’t realized that you had started to cry louder than the music playing in your room, alerting Keigo as he quietly slipped through your bedroom door and joined you in your bed. The only thing he thought to do was just hold you and acknowledge your pain, which in a way you did need from him, but he thought the pain of your tears was from the struggle of staying clean when in fact it’s the exact opposite.
But he’s right when he says that it is hard, that much is true at least.
You turn in his arms so that you can cry into his chest, you know he doesn’t mind at all that your tears wet the fabric of the t-shirt he’s wearing. He just simply holds you close to him, his bangs tickle your cheek as he leans a little further down to nuzzle you. In the midst of your crying, you hear Keigo sniffle and hold back his own tears and your heart breaks even further in that moment. Your pain is Keigo’s pain as well and you hate yourself even more, cursing yourself internally that you should have just kept better control of yourself and kept your crying down to a minimum. It’s your fault that he’s crying for you and it’s for all the wrong reasons.
Keigo sleeps in your room with you that night with an iron grip that you don’t bother trying to move out of. And in the morning he kisses your forehead and tells you that it’s another day and that he’s proud of you.
You’re angry with yourself.
━━━━✧
Dabi was angry with you when you returned from rehab.
“Why the fuck did you do that?” Dabi angrily asked you as soon as you crossed the threshold of his home and the front door was shut. He had grabbed your shoulder and turned you sharply to face him, furious probably wouldn’t even have been the top word to describe him in that moment.
“Do what? What are you talking about?” you asked in confusion, having barely taken a few steps entering Dabi’s home and you wonder what you did to offend him so soon. “I don’t know what you mean?”
“That shit you pulled? Fuckin’ overdosing after what happened?”
He was the reason why you overdosed in the first place; you were upset with Dabi.
It really shouldn’t have been that big of a surprise to you that he went around and slept with other people. You knew that you were just two individuals that enjoyed each other’s company every so often and that was the extent of the relationship. You accepted that despite the affection you had for him, you weren’t going to expect him to settle down with just you. Yet knowing it and actually seeing Dabi with someone else was an entirely different story and it had sent you into a jealous frenzy that you knew you shouldn’t have felt in the first place. Because you knew that you could belong to Dabi but Dabi did not belong to you.
A really bad argument ensued and you left in a huff, slamming his front door and storming back to your home. In your anger and haste to forget about frustration, you hadn’t bothered to be careful with the amount of what you consumed inside your secret box of pills and powder. You overindulged and at first you thought you were fine, but when your body told you differently and suddenly you had no control of your motor functions you knew that you had fucked up.
“I didn’t tell them where I got all my shit from if that’s what you’re worried about.” you assured him with a frown. No one’s inventory was like Dabi’s and even if you left his house in a huff that day, it was too good to give up and burn a bridge over it out of spite. “No one knows that you’re my plug.”
“I’m not fucking talking about that. How the fuck could you fucking overdose on me?” Dabi asked you as if you had done it on purpose.
You let out a breath of disbelief, unbelieving of his words and let out an exasperated laugh. “Are you kidding me? You… You made me angry that day! I wanted to forget about our shitty fight because of what you did to me! The awful things you said to me!”
“I didn’t say anything that you shouldn’t have lost your shit over! You tried to hurt me, huh? Thought you could get back at me like that? You’re not allowed to fucking die on me, you understand? Especially not from the shit I’ve been so generous with you.” Dabi didn’t take any responsibility, just simply pointed his finger at you.
It was unbelievable how he worded and twisted what happened, making it seem like your overdose was a planned attempt to guilt Dabi. He was angry with you for doing something so stupid, arguing back and forth until he got fed up with you talking back and planted his hands on your shoulders and shook you. The dig of his fingers into your skin stung and you hissed from the pain, but you couldn’t yell at him because he scared you with his fury and the strength he had over you. You swear you could see blue flames in his eyes as he yelled at you. Yet it wasn’t just anger that took ahold of Dabi— he was extremely upset too. “You had me thinking I was about to lose you!”
It was Dabi’s fault that you became upset the day you overdosed and yet with those words he spoke to you, you were the one apologizing and crying for forgiveness. Because you heard him say that he didn’t want to be without you and your heart soared from it. Never ever did you think you would hear that kind of sentiment from Dabi and you really did start to believe it was your fault. That it was your own actions that made you act so stupidly and had nearly killed yourself, if only you had been more rational with him instead of going off of your emotions.
So you had cried in Dabi’s arms, hiccuping apologies and that you would never do it again. You went on and on about how scary it was to actually go through the experience of dying and actually come back from it. You were overwhelmed retelling your overdose to him and overwhelmed with emotions from Dabi’s words still. It imprinted in your heart, tattooed forever inside you and a sort of giddiness that you didn’t show in the moment but you would later smile about when you were by yourself.
Dabi had admitted that you weren’t just another random whore to him, that you meant something to him.
He held you in his arms after feeding you a small spoonful of a purple liquid that tasted a little fizzy but also like one of those jelly candies. “Have a little bit of lean… it’ll help you feel better.”
And you know why they called it lean, Dabi having to prop you up when you asked to go to the bathroom but needing his help to make it there. You felt good, forgetting about all the anger from before, you felt floaty and almost a little giggly as Dabi assisted you in using the restroom. It felt good to be on again, two months of sobriety was tough on you and more than anything when you returned home, you looked forward to being high again, to being drunk again, to being on again. “Dabi more…! More please!” you drunkenly asked.
“Nuh-uh not after the shit you pulled. ‘Sides… you can’t have too much anyway. Could easily OD on lean too.” Dabi went over the nuances of promethazine and codeine as he pulled you against him, speaking more for himself to fill the space of silence because you couldn’t. You had done most of the talking before but not in the state you were in after just a small spoonful of that fizzy purple liquid. You couldn’t tell if you were hit hard because the lean was that strong or if the two month of sobriety made it seem that way.
It didn’t really matter in the end.
You had finally gotten your fix.
Counselors and doctors alike told you your life would be more fulfilling leaving behind the substances, you didn’t believe them in the moment. That’s what they’re supposed to do, but it’s not like you didn’t know that already. But when your head swims in the warmest waters after taking a little pill and you can breathe beneath the surface while enjoying the sensations without suffocating, who would want to leave that behind. That when you take a valium when you’re mind is screaming, in your own head finally feels safe so you want to take another to ward off the demons. When the ecstasy finally hits, you feel more connected with anyone and everyone when you had never been a social butterfly. 
You’ll just be careful to balance yourself so that you don’t tip the scales.
When the euphoria wore off, Dabi sent you with just half of an ambien so that you could sleep well that night. He determined that you were not allowed whole pills or grams anymore, he said he didn’t trust you anymore and now he’d either half or quarter he could of whatever you wanted to get from him. Dabi still made it evident that he was upset by your overdose as well, that you have no idea the anxiety he went through thinking about you away from him and wondering if you’d come back. “The fuckin’ amount of valium I took? The oxys I practically knocked back like candy waiting for you to come back? You had me worried over here, couldn’t think about anything else because of what you did.”
And you apologized once more.
You took the blame for it all.
A small price to pay to being reunited with Dabi.
And he held you differently ever since then, stroking your back as you leaned on him or putting his hand to your cheek as the pad of his thumb soothingly rubbed back and forth. This is the affection you had been wanting from him for so long, purring like the most content kitten in the world as you soaked it all in. He still called you pretty, still kissed you in the way you liked, and his hugs were lingering now but now he whispered endearing things into your ear that made your heart flutter even more for him.
He must know how enamored you are with him, it’s not a secret. That when the both of you feel like you’re swimming underwater after swallowing a nice little pill or are talking excitedly after snorting and gumming cocaine with numb lips, he must know how much you want him. You were ensnared by him so quickly and that he was like no other you had ever met, that if he were to leave you you were pretty sure that you’d die.
But like he had said before, you weren’t allowed to die on his watch.
You were back to being with Dabi.
Back to snorting lines but now they were made skinny for you; back to taking ecstasy but you were only allowed quarters; back to tabs of painkillers and hallucinogens but only allowed to take a third of it.
The downside to returning from rehab is that you couldn’t go to parties anymore and openly partake, you didn’t want word to get around that you weren’t serious about your sobriety. Not to friends, not to fellow group members, and certainly not back to Keigo.
Everything had to be done in secret.
You had to be extra careful now, you couldn’t be seen hanging around Dabi because everyone would instantly know that you were popping and snorting again.
So careful you were with your lies and the pills and powder, trying to find the balance of looking the part of a recovering drug addict but still indulging in your highs.
But your best highs weren’t from popping pills, at least not strictly.
The best highs were when you were with Dabi, flushed naked against him with his cock pounding into you while you scratched wherever you could reach on his body. You wonder if he could see the hearts in your eyes as he fucked himself into you, falling for him as he kissed you or held your jaw in his palm as he looked down at you. Does he know how in love you are with him?
Dabi loves when you’re desperate, whining and pleading, such endearing sentiments blended in with your filthy desires for him. I need you Dabi, I need you! I feel so incomplete without your cock in me, please fill me up! Dabi, Dabi I’ll be good for you, pretty please! Want your cum in me, want it want it want it!
You’re not even high when you beg all these things for him; just extremely needy and horny.
It’s best to fuck where Dabi lives but every once in a while, he’s snuck into your house when Keigo’s not home to fuck you in the comfort of your room. He teases you for never inviting him over, knows that Keigo doesn’t like him at all and entertains the notion of staying for dinner when your best friend arrives home from work. And you shake your head no because the last thing you want is for your best friend who’s in love with you to be face-to-face with the man that you’re in love with. The man in your life that’s rooting for you to be clean and the man in your life who’s the reason you’re not.
One day when Dabi snuck in through your back door while Keigo was working, Dabi had finished fucking you on the dining room table when his eyes look to the hallway. You were still begging for more, still clenching around him and whining for more cum to fill you up. The layout of the house is simple to navigate and Dabi’s been in each room except for one; Keigo’s room.
“Not Keigo’s room! Anywhere else but not there! Dabi!”
You were adamant first, tugging and pulling with all your might away from Keigo’s door but Dabi was stronger. He pushed you onto the hard wood floor once the door had shut and still you begged that he could fuck you anywhere else in whatever way he wanted but please not in Keigo’s room. Dabi spoke those charming words to you once more, coupled with the gentle touch of his hand and also taking advantage of your desperate and horny mind he was able to get you to comply with him and fuck on the bed.
Surrounded by Keigo’s scent but filled with Dabi’s cock, it’s a combination that made you feel so heady and was oddly comforting.
“Christ doll… you’re m’fucking pretty baby.”
His baby, you’re his baby and his doll and his only.
Your hands tugged on the roots of his dyed hair, inky black to cover up the white hair of his roots that makes you wonder why Dabi doesn’t grow it out. It’s a thought that’s pushed out of your mind when you’re being consumed by his touch, his words, his kisses, and his cock. And while Dabi was right there fucking your soul out of your body, when you turn your head and press your face into the pillow, the smell of Keigo fills your senses and it’s like his ghost is right there with you.
It was so wrong to get fucked in Keigo’s bed but Dabi made it feel right at the time.
Dabi had a power over you that no one else had, you’ve never looked to someone the way you did with him whether you were high or not. Never wanted someone so bad the way you wanted him and would give anything just so that you can hear him call you his. The only one to make you a puddle of a mess in between your legs with just his fingers alone and you’d become delirious with giddiness and happiness when those striking sapphires looked down at you.
“F-Fuck Dabi! S-So good, so good!” you mewled for him as you clutched the sheets of Keigo’s bed in your fists. The lewd sounds of how wet you are echo through the room every time Dabi’s hips pummeled against the back of your thighs. He had your ankles in his hands and spread open for him, everything put on display. “Love your cock! I love your cock!”
“Look so goddamn pretty takin’ my cock doll.” he chuckled to you as he set your legs on his shoulders and bent you in half. And then when he lowered himself down to you and fucked his  cock into your pussy even harder, your eyes had rolled to the back of your head and you saw the universe right then and there.
You babbled on and on about Dabi’s cock and how it felt perfect inside of you and how much you loved it.
Dabi would admit later on how precious you are every time you get cock drunk, asking sweet questions and then fucking obscenities out from your pretty lips.
“W-Want your cum please! Please, cum in me!” you begged him as Dabi fucked you to your third orgasm in Keigo’s bed. “I love when you cum in me! Love your cum!”
Dabi stopped fucking you to hold your face in his hand, squishing your cheeks and making you look up at him. And he knew that you’d do anything and say anything to get just a piece of him, to be filled by him, to be one with him. A mischievous smile he gave you as you whined and tried to move your hips and he talks with a pitched tone that’s supposed to mimic your voice to mock you, “Love your cum, love your cock!”
“Dabi…” you sobbed for him.
“That’s all you ever babble about, fuckin’ whore. You love my drugs, my cock and my cum… I’m starting to think that that’s all I’m good for to you.”
You shook your head, swore to him that you’re not using him and that he’s more to you than those things.
He leaned down to brush his lips against yours, teasing you as he pulled back when you tried to kiss him and he was so cruel to demand of you in that moment, “Then tell me you love me.”
Tell Dabi you love him in Keigo’s bed.
You did, with tears that rimmed the edge of your eyes and a shuddering breath you told Dabi that you loved him in Keigo’s bed. Because you would give anything to feel complete with him and forgo your morals to do so. So you said it, you moaned it and cried it out to him that you loved him, giggling and thanking him when he finally came inside you as you were surrounded by Keigo’s scent.
And later you would cry after sending Dabi out with a kiss, you cried in the tainted bed sheets for desecrating Keigo’s space with Dabi. The guilt of your actions made you throw up in the toilet, tears still falling from your eyes as you cursed yourself. Right there in front of Keigo’s desk you sucked Dabi off, Dabi ate you out on the chair that Keigo liked to sit and read at on his days off, and right there on his bed you and Dabi fucked in several different positions with held hands and searing kisses.
You stripped Keigo’s bed for him, weeping at the wet patches from yours and Dabi’s cum, a choked sob breaching your lips and you tossed his sheets into the washer. You opened the window and lit a candle to clear out the smell of sex and you took one of Keigo’s hoodies from his closet to inhale his scent and sobbed into it.
There are countless memories you have of being in Keigo’s bed, lying side by side or facing one another in the late hours of the night when you’re at your most vulnerable with one another. Your hands would hold each other and the intimate atmosphere would be delicate in the dead of night, it would be just you and him and your hearts beating as one. And sometimes you could see him wanting to say that he loves you, a confession that always gets buried under hesitation. You could count the multiple times determination flashed on his face before suddenly disappearing and instead he leaves the words unsaid and you make no comment.
Some part of you wants to keep it as it is and another part is curious how much everything were to change if he were to finally say ‘I love you’ for the very first time.
Keigo could have told you he loved you with the dozens of chances he had when you laid together, in that safe space that he would always allow you to enter when you please whether he was in there or not.
Yet you told Dabi you loved him instead in this space that was supposed to be for you and your best friend only.
Keigo would later find you in his bed, none the wiser to what happened earlier in the day. He only noticed how his bedsheets and comforter smelled like fresh laundry and smiled warmly at how comfortable you were in his room and holding his hoodie close to your body. Little did he know that you had cried yourself to sleep, wishing his pillowcases smelled like him again.
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His bruises are fresh from yesterday, having gripped you too hard while you rode on top of him, his groans still echoing in your ears how good you take his cock into you. Your body aches a little from when he’d forcibly bent your body in certain positions he wanted to take you in; Dabi could be a bit rough sometimes but you were happy to let him do what he pleased. The high from yesterday is long gone and you’re just now recovering from the come down. It’s quiet in the house, a cup of tea in your hands as you stare out the window to the front yard where Keigo’s car was parked.
You saw him off to work, told him to have a good day and waved goodbye as he pulled out the driveway.
There’s nothing to do.
You have group today.
You’re not sure what to do to pass the time.
Your pills call to you but you swore that on the days you have group that you’ll be sober for them; at least you kept that promise since you came back.
The house is spotlessly clean, Keigo’s very diligent about keeping the house tidy. You walk along the walls with your cup in your hands, looking at framed art that you and him bought together but he hung them up while you chose which frames you wanted in which spots. There’s a few plants inside the house, it’s supposed to be your chore to water them and make sure that they thrive. Some of the leaves are wilted a little but other than that, they seem to be making it along fine.
When you look down into your cup, suddenly it seems exhausting to finish all of your tea so you dump it into the sink and wash it out.
You call your parents to tell them you’re doing fine, sitting down in your own room as they tell you about the garden they’ve been tending to and what they hope to harvest by the end of the season. Before you’d roll your eyes and listen half heartedly; now you take in their words and actually engage them in conversation.
The polaroid and the pin still sit on your bedside table.
When you end your phone call with your parents, you have a staring contest with the polaroid, holding it and staring listlessly at it.
You put it in a little frame you bought from the store the other day.
It’s still a good picture, plus Keigo would wonder why you wouldn’t have it on display in your room.
Your stash of pills are hidden in a new place in your room in a different box, looking in the direction of it and almost tempted to take a roxy to numb you out.
No.
It sucks to force yourself to be sober but you have to do it, at least up until you meet with Dabi next. He sent you a text earlier saying that he had fun yesterday, even throws in a ‘love you’ at the end of his message. It makes you smile and you looked over it several times during the day, your heart soaring and giddy with anticipation for the next time you see him.
You text Keigo to let him know that you’re heading to group now, putting on your shoes and walking towards the recreation center.
He tells you he’d proud of you.
And you sit in the group, pretending to listen to both old and new group members tell their story and bare their harsh truths and what their lowest point was that brought them to where they are, and then it’s your turn to stand and be greeted by everyone. You have to remember to keep this facade up and eventually you’ll be cleared to not have to attend anymore.
You’ll walk home to Keigo as the sun sets into a lovely lilac in the sky and Dabi will text you when he wants to see you again. You look forward to both of those things but first you have to attend group.
With all eyes on you, you stand up and lie all over again.
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makingspiritualityreal · 3 years ago
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Numerology Life Path 22 - Your Birth Card and its Ruling Planet
Numerology Life Path Numbers and their assigned Tarot Card Meaning Series - Master Number Edition
This is a post in my new astrology/numerology/tarot series, that only concerns you, if you are a Life Path 22. Originally, I wanted to do them all in one post, but my writing turned out to be so long, I decided to split the post and seperate the Life Path Numbers. The introduction part of the post will be the same for all Life Path Numbers, in case you only read a post about your own Life Path Number, and nothing else.
Introduction
The concept of a Birth Card links Tarot and Numerology together, in order to deepen our understanding of a vibration of a Life Path Number we are born with. The Birth Card, or rather Birth Cards, are Major Arcana Tarot Cards with assigned numbers, which correlate with Life Path Numbers. Understanding the meaning of tarot cards, mixed with the knowledge of Numerology Vibrations, helps create a more unique vision of your life experience. A person with any given Life Path Number, having several Major Arcana energies present in their lives, usually struggles with one of the energies more than the other. As a result, life will probably force them to focus on mastering one of these energies. In general, however, any Life Path describes both your biggest downfall and ultimate triumph - just like with an Astrology Chart, the highlighted numbers/astrology houses point to your biggest strengths and weaknesses. For a better understanding of this concept, visit my article “Natal Chart - A map of your issues?” Remember, that everyone, besides their Life Path Number and Birth Card also has a unique astrology chart. Thus, for some people embracing the higher expression of their energy is easier, for others it’s harder and it takes more time to master, and some energies become easier to deal with than others. Most human beings are somewhere in between, working on their path and having some achievements while struggling with difficulties at the same time. In the spiritual community, there are differences in opinion on linking Astrological Planets and positions to specific numerology numbers energies. My take is a result of my own personal experience, conversations with other people in my field and research, in order to give you the widest possible spectrum of ideas and increase the understanding of every Life Path Number. Even If you have only a basic understanding of Astrology, Tarot or Numerology, this post will still be helpful to you, because it describes the unique vibrational mix that comes from the expression of both these spiritual sciences mixed together. To calculate which Tarot Cards and what Life Path correspond to your birthday, click here.
Life Path 22 - The Caring Master Builder
The vibration of a Life Path 22 blends within the energies of the 2 and the 4. This makes it a very sensitive, yet energetically heavy combination due to the mixed influence of the Moon, Saturn and Rahu. Early on in life, this Life Path exists in a state of constant struggle between the mind and the heart, fighting between their compulsive urge for practicality and extreme sensitivity. They can be emotionally unstable or drained, depressed, frustrated and compulsively attending to the same, mundane tasks to regain the feeling of control. That dynamic takes time to get a hold of due to the extremely contradictory planetary energies. The energy of the Moon is sensitive and caring, the energy of Saturn is strict, practical and grounded. It is a difficult task to provide for oneself both the internal high standard, that exists with Saturn, and the gentle touch that the Moon needs to function. The additional energies of Rahu can give this Life Path a very compulsive mind, as Rahu continuously desires to move forward with new details, which throws an extra spark of anxiety on the already fragile mind of a 22 vibration, if that progress can't be provided.
Life Path 11 and Life Path 22 share the intensity of the 2 vibration, however the 2 is more pronounced in the 22 Path, being doubled.
That makes a Life Path 22 struggle on a higher level with independence and extreme emotional volatility. While an 11 in crisis tends to shut down internally and downplay their uniqueness in order to be accepted externally, they don't really let anyone in as they are in self-protection mode, as they are fundamentally self-directed. A 22 however, lacks that self-direction, because they have a different mission in this incarnation. As a result, when distressed a 22 latches on to the nearest energetic source for survival, entangling it and integrating itself into their being. The result of this tendency depends entirely on the environment, that a Life Path 22 finds themselves in.
That is why working for a community is a must for a Life Path 22. The intense, Moon ruled energies of a double 2 need a big, energetic outlet that a group provides, and in the framework of a group they can practice, master, share and unleash their 4 vibration, becoming an invaluable asset to any community they are a part of. A group also fulfils their need for emotional belonging. If too isolated, 22s tend to fall into abusive relationships, due to their deep need to be surrounded by and connected to external energy. Out of desperation to have their energetic needs fulfilled, they can become very toxic and clingy, because unlike the 11, the 22 doesn't have the 1 vibration that forces them to work on their individual self expression. The double 2 creates an extreme danger of putting themselves in the victim position, yet at the same time tying themselves to another willingly out of a sense of survival. A 22 vibration has a very deep need for a solid emotional structure, and the threat of having this structure removed threatens their need for stability, which can make them hold on even tighter even to the most toxic partnership. That type of partnership sucking the energy out of them prevents them from developing the positive 4 qualities, which is innovative, practical achievements. Living in a larger community prevents a Life Path 22 from entering this dynamic. Due to connections formed with many people, the setting disperses the overly intense 2 energy among the crowd and gives this Life Path a sense of safety that they so desire, which creates a good environment for their work.
It is equally important for a Life Path 22 to avoid toxic situations as it is not to demonise their needs and emotions. While it may be difficult to handle a Master Number energy in human society for all Master Vibrations, the needs of this Life Path exist to be fulfilled, just like with everybody else. This Master Number is at most risk to try to deny their sensitivity and emotional needs due to being influenced by the 4 vibration. While an 11 is the most likely to hide with their self expression externally, they understand their needs on a deeper level internally and guard them, and the risk of shutdown doesn't eliminate their acute subconscious self-awareness. A 22 however, can completely push out their needs and desires due to their conflicting desire for practicality, progress and material results. That puts them into a negative expression of the 4 vibration, which is a cliché of a dry, uninspired workaholic who feels empty on the inside and compensates it with practical perfectionism. However, since emotional nurturing is what actually drives this Life Path in life, they can't hold on to this perfectionism for too long, and this dynamic eventually leads them to a burnout, when in the tired state they shut down even from their 4 vibration and they are not capable of producing practical results.
To find out about the birth cards associated with a Life Path 22 Vibration, read my writing on Life Path 2 and Life Path 4, as all those tarot cards will be applicable.
The key word for a Life Path 22 is Balanced. This vibration out of all numbers possesses the most potential to create and nurture an extremely abundant, tangible energy, both from a material and emotional standpoint, however this cannot be accessed without internal balancing of an unstable psychological makeup. This combination can produce an expert, who possesses deep knowledge with a high attention to detail, yet is still sovereign and connected to their heart space. This is a vibration of a scientist, that hasn't lost his compassion and can connect both to their mind and their heart. A mature Life Path 22 uses their skills for physical survival, without closing off their heart, or falling into the other extreme of being emotionally overwhelmed and uninspired. No other Life Path has such a unique skill for community building and providing. This is the additional energy that is produced in this Master Number, that differs from a singular 2 or 4 vibration. A mature Life Path 22 is a rock for the network of connections that they have build, which in turn allows them to thrive within this network and continue developing and sharing their skills.
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matoroshika · 3 years ago
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I decided to take the personality tests for some Black Clover characters to see what they get, here are the results!
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⚖️🔹Marx: Logistician ISTJ-T (Practical and fact-minded individuals, who’s reliability cannot be doubted)🔹⚖️
“My observation is that whenever one person is found adequate to the discharge of a duty... it is worse executed by two persons, and scarcely done at all if three or more are employed therein.”
Logisticians don’t make many assumptions, preferring instead to analyze their surroundings, check their facts and arrive at practical courses of action. Logistician personalities are no-nonsense, and when they’ve made a decision, they will relay the facts necessary to achieve their goal, expecting others to grasp the situation immediately and take action. Logisticians have little tolerance for indecisiveness, but lose patience even more quickly if their chosen course is challenged with impractical theories, especially if they ignore key details – if challenges becomes time-consuming debates, Logisticians can become noticeably angry as deadlines tick nearer.
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Logisticians have sharp, fact-based minds, and prefer autonomy and self-sufficiency to reliance on someone or something. Dependency on others is often seen by Logisticians as a weakness, and their passion for duty, dependability and impeccable personal integrity forbid falling into such a trap. When Logisticians say they are going to get something done, they do it, meeting their obligations no matter the personal cost, and they are baffled by people who don’t hold their own word in the same respect. Combining laziness and dishonesty is the quickest way to get on Logisticians’ bad side. Consequently, people with the Logistician personality type often prefer to work alone, or at least have their authority clearly established by hierarchy, where they can set and achieve their goals without debate or worry over other’s reliability.
Their defining characteristics of integrity, practical logic and tireless dedication to duty make Logisticians a vital core to many families, as well as organizations that uphold traditions, rules and standards, such as law offices, regulatory bodies and military. People with the Logistician personality type enjoy taking responsibility for their actions, and take pride in the work they do – when working towards a goal, Logisticians hold back none of their time and energy completing each relevant task with accuracy and patience.
Logisticians need to remember to take care of themselves – their stubborn dedication to stability and efficiency can compromise those goals in the long term as others lean ever-harder on them, creating an emotional strain that can go unexpressed for years, only finally coming out after it’s too late to fix. If they can find coworkers and spouses who genuinely appreciate and complement their qualities, who enjoy the brightness, clarity and dependability that they offer, Logisticians will find that their stabilizing role is a tremendously satisfying one, knowing that they are part of a system that works.
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👑🟡Julius: ENFP-A Campaigner (Enthusiastic, creative and sociable free spirits, who can always find a reason to smile.) 🟡👑
“It doesn’t interest me what you do for a living. I want to know what you ache for – and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart’s longing.”
Campaigners are true free spirits – outgoing, openhearted, and open-minded. With their lively, upbeat approach to life, they stand out in any crowd. But even though they can be the life of the party, Campaigners don’t just care about having a good time. These personality types run deep – as does their longing for meaningful, emotional connections with other people.
Even in moments of fun, Campaigners want to connect emotionally with others. Few things matter more to these personality types than having genuine, heartfelt conversations with the people they cherish. Campaigners believe that everyone deserves to express their feelings, and their empathy and warmth create spaces where even the most timid spirits can feel comfortable opening up.
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Friendly and outgoing, Campaigners are devoted to enriching their relationships and their social lives. But beneath their sociable, easygoing exteriors, they have rich, vibrant inner lives as well. Without a healthy dose of imagination, creativity, and curiosity, a Campaigner simply wouldn’t be a Campaigner. In their unique way, Campaigners can be quite introspective. They can’t help but ponder the deeper meaning and significance of life – even when they should be paying attention to something else. These personalities believe that everything – and everyone – is connected, and they live for the glimmers of insight that they can gain into these connections.
When something sparks their imagination, Campaigners can show an enthusiasm that is nothing short of infectious. These personalities radiate a positive energy that draws in other people, and Campaigners may find themselves being held up by their peers as a leader or guru. But once the initial bloom of inspiration wears off, Campaigners can struggle with self-discipline and consistency, losing steam on projects
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🌱⚪️William: Advocate INFJ-T (Quiet and mystical, yet very inspiring and tireless idealists.)⚪️🌱
“Treat people as if they were what they ought to be and you help them to become what they are capable of being.”
Advocates’ unique combination of personality traits makes them complex and quite versatile. For example, Advocates can speak with great passion and conviction, especially when standing up for their ideals. At other times, however, they may choose to be soft-spoken and understated, preferring to keep the peace rather than challenge others.
Advocates might find themselves feeling especially stressed in the face of conflict and criticism. These personalities tend to act with the best of intentions, and it can frustrate them when others don’t appreciate this. At times, even constructive criticism may feel deeply personal or hurtful to Advocates.
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Advocates may be reserved, but they communicate in a way that is warm and sensitive. This emotional honesty and insight can make a powerful impression on the people around them. Advocates value deep, authentic relationships with others, and they tend to take great care with other people’s feelings. That said, these personalities also need to prioritize reconnecting with themselves. Advocates need to take some time alone now and then to decompress, recharge, and process their thoughts and feelings.
Advocates may see helping others as their purpose in life. They are troubled by injustice, and they typically care more about altruism than personal gain. As a result, Advocates tend to step in when they see someone facing unfairness or hardship. Many people with this personality type also aspire to fix society’s deeper problems, in the hope that unfairness and hardship can become things of the past.
Many Advocates feel compelled to find a mission for their lives. When they encounter inequity or unfairness, they tend to think, “How can I fix this?” They are well-suited to support a movement to right a wrong, no matter how big or small. Advocates just need to remember that while they’re busy taking care of the world, they need to take care of themselves too.
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🍺⚫️Yami: Entrepreneur ESTP-A (Smart, enthusiastic and very perceptive people, who truly enjoy living on the edge.)⚫️🍺
“Life is either a daring adventure or nothing at all.”
Entrepreneurs are the likeliest personality type to make a lifestyle of risky behavior. They live in the moment and dive into the action – they are the eye of the storm. They are forced to make critical decisions based on factual, immediate reality in a process of rapid-fire rational stimulus response. This makes school and other highly organized environments a challenge for Entrepreneurs. It certainly isn’t because they aren’t smart, and they can do well, but the regimented, lecturing approach of formal education is just so far from the hands-on learning that Entrepreneurs enjoy. It takes a great deal of maturity to see this process as a necessary means to an end, something that creates more exciting opportunities.
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Also challenging is that to Entrepreneurs, it makes more sense to use their own moral compass than someone else’s. Rules were made to be broken. This is a sentiment few high school instructors or corporate supervisors are likely to share, and can earn Entrepreneur personalities a certain reputation. But if they minimize the trouble-making, harness their energy, and focus through the boring stuff, Entrepreneurs are a force to be reckoned with.
With perhaps the most perceptive, unfiltered view of any type, Entrepreneurs have a unique skill in noticing small changes. Whether a shift in facial expression, a new clothing style, or a broken habit, people with this personality type pick up on hidden thoughts and motives where most types would be lucky to pick up anything specific at all. Entrepreneurs use these observations immediately, calling out the change and asking questions, often with little regard for sensitivity. Entrepreneurs should remember that not everyone wants their secrets and decisions broadcast.
Entrepreneurs are full of passion and energy, complemented by a rational, if sometimes distracted, mind. Inspiring, convincing and colorful, they are natural group leaders, pulling everyone along the path less traveled, bringing life and excitement everywhere they go. Putting these qualities to a constructive and rewarding end is Entrepreneurs’ true challenge.
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If you want to read more about their personality types, or other personality types- the website is 16personalities.com ! I find it very amazing at how accurate these are!
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