#it’s probably bc i’ve been trying to force myself though this burnout for the last. idk. month? two? what is time

[dagasinfilo]

something about me is that i always forget i get super sick when i’m stressed

[bettsfic]

Hey betts, so I need some advice. Let me preface this by saying that my dream school since I was a wee 4th grader has been Duke. I was in their gifted program, I went to summer camp their, and I’ve toured their campus idk how many times. And I applied to go there when I was in hs, and I got in. But I had mental breakdown my senior year of highschool and I went into a deep deep depression that almost lead to me to be hospitalized, so we decided that it would be best for me...

... to stay home for two years and then transfer. Well it’s been two years, I applied, and I got accepted again with enough scholarship that I can go for free (im from Miami) and everyone is encouraging me to go and they think that I’m ready and I can handle it. But How does one know that they’re ready to leave home? Because This is an opportunity that I can’t pass up, but at the same time, I don’t want to get to Duke, and then either burn out or have a mental breakdown ...

... bc I wasn’t ready to leave home and my mental health can’t take it, but who knows if this is my last chance to go to my dream school? 

first, congratulations for getting accepted into duke and earning scholarships. i’m sorry to hear about your mental breakdown, though, but i’m glad you are recovering/recovered.

the truth is, there is never any major change in your life that you will be fully prepared for. every change you encounter will have up-sides and down-sides. for me, going to grad school meant giving up the security of a good job with good benefits but for the reward of pursuing what i love. if you choose to go to duke, you’ll get there and have the both the best and worst times of your life. there will be moments where you think it was a terrible decision, and you consider quitting, and questioning why you took the risk you took. but there will also be times -- many, probably most -- where you’re thrilled to be where you are, and proud of yourself for taking the risk. 

that said, to push against some of the fears you have about going, it’s important to always give yourself an out. you can go to duke for a semester, and if it doesn’t work out, you can go on medical leave or withdraw. there’s no shame in trying something and quitting if it’s not for you, or taking a break. duke seems to want you, so they’ll be patient for you. your scholarship providers saw promise in you, so they’ll continue to see it. everyone is on your side here, and they’ll continue to be. you just have to trust that. 

i think to myself constantly, what if i had stayed at the bank? and the reality is, if i didn’t quit when i did, nothing would have happened. just. nothing. and that’s the sad truth of it. we can sit completely still our entire lives, never forced to move or change or do anything at all. so sure, you could stay home, but -- what would you do? for me anyway, i’m going to have ptsd and depression whether i’m cowering at home or not, so i might as well go out and do stuff. i promise, nothing you encounter will break you. bad things always happen, and i don’t believe in “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” but i do believe in recovery. you recovered from a major breakdown once, so it stands to reason you can survive anything. 

i don’t want to tell you what you should do, but i do think that whenever you have fear-based questions -- what if, what if, what if -- you should also train yourself to think the opposite: what if nothing bad happens? what if you succeed? what if you do feel a bit of burnout and exhaustion but you face it and work through it? what if good things happen? there’s no way you can know what will happen to you, no way you can make a completely informed decision. all you can do is be aware of the potential consequences while moving toward your goals at the pace most conducive to your health.

i hope this helps. the best of luck to you.