#it's a very sweet gift from an old friend from college who got me mass effect 1+2 as well as da origins

[voxmilia]

you ever just get the urge to play a game 8 years later-

[sjw-publishings]

Big Bad Douche

Fangs of the Lang Clan Part 2

Part 1 can be viewed here

————————————————————————

“Excuse me Mister-I would like to have a word with-“

Moments after Jon got bit, Liam gave chase to the attacker. Furious with the frat dude, especially with how nauseous his best friend became almost instantly after the bite.

The 22 year old bespectacled man obviously could barely keep up in terms of raw speed, but being tall and lanky does have its perks. Making big stretches, reaching the end of the corridor, leading a very large recreational room with multiple exits.

“Darn it…”

Of course, being in a dapper grey suit and tie, the man could barely exert himself much regardless if he was athletic or not. But it did make a mess of his curly red-headed locks, strands of hair trickling down his nose making an irritating mess between his specs.

“Calm yourself Liam…its late.”

Liam took a deep breath, and slowly exhaled.

“Just head back and focus on your loving boyfriend.”

It always worked, Liam began to smile even at his ridiculous state. Texting on his phone as he walked to the nearest toilet.

______

FluffyLiam: Will be back in a couple of hours Benny ^^

BennyDuet: Aww, can’t wait for you to come back <3

______

With how fortunate enough to be living and staying together all of college, there was no reason for him to stay mad. After all, he and his boyfriend were two nerds that found each other.

Someone who shared their passion in their majors and connected in romance, not even something as silly as a drunk jock bite could get to him knowing an exciting future awaits-

-BITE!-

“AAAARGH!”

Gripping his neck, Liam stumbled to the nearest sink, the red-head winced at the sharp mark imprint, before quickly turning around and-

SLAM!

Shutting the door, conditioned from years of defending both him and his boyfriend from bullies. Back glued to the dark wooden frame , blocking the intruder as much as he could as he reached towards the handle and-

-LOCK!-

Huffing…had to call his boyfriend quickly, otherwise-

“Why not have a shower while you’re in there~, a little douche wouldn’t harm no one~”

Puff…

Slumping, hunched, his body felt like jelly to that deep, alluring voice. Sweet as honey, bite mark redirecting most of the blood flow downwards, away from his head.

“After all, a fellow wolf like you has to listen to his alphas.”

It felt hypnotic, mouthwatering, an unexpected desire to obey. Disregarding all his fears, tossing aside all his garments to the side at record speed, burying away that ringing noise that only grows more distant as he got in-

Sssssssssssss!

“Ohh…”

A hot waterfall poured onto him, sending great pleasing sensations to the man’s body, conditioned with the moonlight’s reflections, onto every droplet, concentrating and blending in with the effects of the bite.

Guiding the marked human…

Running his fingers through his stomach, down the spots where the light shone the greatest, splashed. Growing into sturdy solid masses as muscle gifted itself eight-fold, ogling over the abdominal packs he now owned.

“What…what slick abs I have.”

The man remarked, taking a deep gulp, his right hand grabbed his pulsating manhood below. Tugging, light teases into a tender massage for the entranced male as he peered into the mirror at the bathroom sink, a clear reflection of the full moon at the upper area from where he stood.

“The better to show off dude~”

“Aaah…!”

Reassured by that alpha, kneading himself wonderfully as a reward, fears evaporating into a dopey smile as spirals took over his pupils.

He loved showing off his abdominals, it was why he had them in the first place, that was probably why he sought after the wolf pack leader…right? Not to mention how his pectorals complimented them, PUMPING it out-

His left fingers gingerly exploring the two new hills above,zooming into the hungry darker dots at their center…twisting…

TWISSST!

“Ah..Oh! Oh!”

Callous, rough and shameless. The kind that’ll get people to do what he wanted. Smile shifting into something far more sinister, enjoying the temptation washing over him as that tanned asian hue overwhelmed his proud chest, displaying it proudly like an alpha.

Its just what he wanted~

Right? Especially when all the queers…look at him? Queers? That feels pretty gay dude~ Don’t you prefer something better? But he wasn’t he already attached to a fag?

That cunning, alluring voice sending promiscuity down his spine. Echoing even in his thoughts, as the hot tsunami pouring all over his back, crashing down onto those broad shoulders and muscular wings of a pure asian jock.

“What a studly bod I have~”

Loosening his gait, his body compacted in height, lowering to a 5ft 10, making up in muscularity as his thighs thickened with boundless chasing and prowling after midnight, calves like slabs of meat as he never stopped in the never-ending chase for…for…

“The better to show off to the ladies, lil bro~”

“Hot damn…oh~”

Struggling, himself accelerating his tugs with great huffs, mind struggling to remember his gay roommate, the man he had lived with for all these years, the effeminate gay guy he was texting earlier. Struggling to find the fag hot, as his size 10ft stomped the floor , toes wiggling in anticipation as…

“What a big bully you are, lil bro~”

SPANK!

Elliam gave his tight cheeks a huge whack, solidifying them into a two tight bubbles as his mind gave the gay roommate of his a wedgie, picking on him, bullying him.

His manhood remained the same 8 inches, but now-pulsating hard. Thickening to represent his aggressive personality with every thrust, every callous and shameless sensation as he roughly explored his shameless asian body.

“The better to keep these fags thirstin’…”

“Heh, what a complete player you are, bro.”

“Oh…Ah!”

He gasped, as the steam clouding his memories revealed a hoard of images, comprising of loosely dressed chicks and dames, kneading…was simply not enough.

Gripping his tight rod! Forcefully tugging it back and forth at slow-teasing speeds.

Accelerating his new hormones wildly, sending his mind into a complete, transformative trance as he licked his lips, bearing sharp fangs ready to conquer and demand. Nostrils taking in the enhancement scent of masculinity, His Masculinity.

Like the most intense session he ever had done solo…except he always had a dame with him.

His jaw definitely straightened out in an instant, dusting around his lips with light aftershave as his hair was a condensed short mass of slickness, well styled even within a pouring waterfall, but of course~

A wolf like him always had to look good, and act bad. Suave, slightly darker baritone as his chords were smooth like butter.

“The better to have breakfast in bed…hot damn~” His mouth cooed.

What was he? Gay?

He didn’t need no help in jerkin’, both in personality and in bed. Slumping back, taking a huge plunge down below. Tugging his manhood like the single playah he was.

The king of college~

Always gets the ladies~

Single and ready to mingle~

His new identity…It was too much!

Tugging his hard on, embracing the sauve charming comments pilling his mind, narrowing his lenses into a cunning almond shape. Eyes portraying an identity focused on his social status, his conquests and bad guy attitude

He relished in it , played like a fiddle, he pulled down and gave a HUGE-

“What a hot DOUCHE! Oooooooh~!”

The asian douchebag came over and over on, letting loose any faggy thought he made had have towards another male. Slumping back on the toilet momentarily, before giving a gentle pat to his package and leaped up.

The night was only just beginning.

Snatching the hotel bath towel, the man gripped open the can of pomade on the counter, giving a few deft flicks to his already stylish locks as he expertly brought a spit curl down the center of his forehead.

He always looked good, but tonight’s his clan’s special, to multiply and recruit others into their ranks. Especially the guys who had too much of a Queer vibe to them.

Those recruitments were always the most fun, almost if he was one of them…

“Heh, what a Queer reality that would be…”

Beep!

-Flick-

______

Douchelliot: U done with the hw yet fag?

BennySingle: yes you douche…walking down to the carpark.

______

He would have bitten his roommate ages ago, but smart nerds like him are hard to come by. Especially ones that would willingly do all your schoolwork after wedgies and some gay banter, not surprising considering the dude’s always been so desperate for those hot heated arguments in their dorm.

No homo, course, plus it would’ve been pretty gay if he did bite and changed the dude himself.

Still…they were about to graduate after all, and even a douche bro like him knows how to reward the guy. Pretty sure his Uncle will know the best way to man up that thirsty single nerd.

Speaking of which, damn an-always ready to mingle-guy like him oughta get some chicks asap.

Knock, Knock, KNOCK!

“What an arrogant douche you are, lil bro.”

And of course he was, learnt it from the best of his clan, and without any mercy, specially with the nearby sorority coming in hot.

Narrowing his brows, Elliot Lang gave a smirk at his sexy reflection as he snapped a selfie. Of course he wasn’t going to lose to his older brother, or any of the other clan members when it comes to getting his carnality filled up.

And every night was a night for the wolf in douche clothing to enjoy a hot mess of poundin’.

“The better to score the ladies~”

[missjaystone]

Old Faces

Summary: The love of his life, the one that got away, finally comes back into Sam’s life and he loves the life they build together, but something... is off... Word Count: 2,490 Pairing: Sam Wilson x Reader Warnings: Angst, panic attack, anxiety attack, implied smut

(Hate to do this to my man Sam, I love him to death and he deserves the entire universe. Part one of two. (Find Part 2 here))

Sam could never forget the first time he met you; Riley brought him home after their first tour together since Sam didn't have a family to come home to. Not that Riley had one either, he only had one person; his goddaughter, you. Sam had a pretty good idea of who you were since, according to him, Riley never shut up about you. He was so proud of you; you got into Quantico at 21, two years younger than their typical admission age of 23! You picked them up at the airport in late November, almost a week before Thanksgiving and you wore jeans with a dark blue hoodie, the words 'FBI Quantico' written in white on the front. You were vibrant, full of life and excitement. By the time Thanksgiving was over and he was going to his own place, he was head over heels in love with you. The only guilt he had was that you were only 23 at the time, more than 15 years his junior. By the time he'd worked up the nerve to ask Riley for permission, they were already due for their second tour; it'd have to wait until they got back. But, they never came back, Riley never came back. The same Sam Wilson that left was not the man who returned.

Five feet was all that was between him and the love of his life. Five feet between him and the one that got away, the one he never thought he'd see again. You just waltzed right into the VA, out of all the Veterans Affairs offices in the entire city of New York and you just walked right into the one he worked at in his free time, when he wasn't busy being an Avenger. He hadn't seen you in at least five, maybe seven years and he could see how you'd changed just in the way that you moved and conversed with the receptionist. You'd gained some muscle mass, that much was obvious even with your jacket on. You must've injured your left shoulder too, he could tell moving it too much or too quickly was painful, or at the very least uncomfortable. You wore a tired expression on your face, but not tired like you hadn't gotten enough sleep, tired like you'd just gotten out after fighting an unwinnable battle for too long. He knew exactly how that tired felt. Something about the moment seemed not-quite-right, it felt off. He couldn't place it so he ignored it.

So he approached you hesitantly, giving a small wave to get your attention; he'd learned his lesson about startling soldiers when Bucky nearly choked him for entering the living room and sitting on the couch too quietly. He watched you look over him for a brief second before recognition his and you nearly tackled him in a hug. He heard you groan quietly at the sudden movement but just tried to avoid adding pressure to your shoulder when he returned the tight hug "you're a sight for sore eyes, (y/n)." "So are you Sam, is this where you've been hiding?" You asked him with a teasing smile. "Sam Wilson never hides, what about you? Where the hell have you been?" He countered with a wide grin. "All over the place; DC, New Orleans, and now with any luck, New York permanently," you answered him, the two of you walking slowly as you conversed. "What do you do these days? And what brings you here?" He was curious as to where you'd been all these years. He hoped to god you weren't already married.

"Hm, I wonder what could possibly bring me to the Department of Veterans Affairs, I can't quite place my finger on it," you sarcastically thought out loud, making him roll his eyes. He was still smiling "very funny, I meant New York." "Work. I've been going around to different colleges teaching things like military history, strategic intelligence, and general polemology, and I just landed a more permanent position at Columbia," you answered with a casual shrug. He started to ask where you served but Steve calling him stopped that "Sam, we're needed at the tower!" He sighed quietly and sent you an apologetic smile "give me your number and we'll-" He paused, looking at you in shock when he saw his phone in your hand. You gave it back after a couple of seconds and smiled "old habits die hard, we'll get together later." "You need to stop pickpocketing people," he said as he smirked at you before jogging over to his friend.

Sam finally got back to you a week and a half later and you two caught up over coffee. He was repeatedly left awestruck when you told him about what you'd been up to. Gradually, your get-togethers turned from getting coffee two or three times a week to grabbing dinner and just getting together to talk and reconnect. It took a while and a lot of prodding from Bucky and Steve before he finally asked you on a proper date. He actually asked you out on Riley's birthday, you both had a laugh at that. Your dates were frequent, mainly whenever his Avenger schedule allowed it. He couldn't wait to introduce you to everyone, he watched as you easily blended in with and meshed with everyone. It was perfect. You were perfect. Still, something seemed not-quite-right, it felt off. Yet, he still couldn't place it so he ignored it.

A year together flew by before either of you knew it. He'd already been contemplating when the perfect moment would happen but now, watching you look over the entire city from the Empire State Building Observation Deck with the sun setting behind you, he knew there'd never be a better time. He'd commit this moment to his memory for the rest of time. He got down on one knee while you were looking through one of the telescopes and took the little velvet box out of his pocket. He could see a few people stopping to watch out of his peripheral vision. When you finally did let go of the telescope and looked at him, you were visibly shocked "Sam? Are you-" You couldn't even finish the question as your eyes started to water when he nodded. His smiling face looked up at you as he, and all of the onlookers gathered around, desperately waited for a response. He watched as you nodded quickly, letting the happy tears fall "yes, hell yes!" He and the group that congregated around you cheered as he picked you up and spun you happily. He pointed over to where Redwing had been perched on a pole "Steve's been manning him so I could have this on video for us." You just laughed and pulled him into a kiss, feeling like you were both on cloud nine. This would be one of the greatest moments of his life. Still, something still felt off. He continued ignoring it. It must've been a little paranoia, so he brushed it off.

Both the wedding and the reception were small and intimate. Tony offered the compound for the tower for the venue and with much help from Pepper, he turned it into the most beautiful place you'd ever seen. Wanda, Pepper, and Natasha helped you pick out a wedding dress. While the three of them were eager to help you and Sam pick and plan, Steve and Bucky stepped back since they didn't have a clue. They helped Sam get the perfect suit; navy blue suit and jacket, white dress shirt, and a dark maroon tie. Planning started in January, a month after he proposed and you wed in May. He nearly cried when he saw you walking down the aisle, clearly holding himself back. You, however, didn't hold any tears back when you two exchanged vows, having to stop yourself at least eight times when you recited your own. Somehow, Vision got ordained, but nobody asked questions. The kiss you two shared was perfect, this was without a doubt, the absolute greatest moment of his life. Except, it felt off. But Sam was far too happy to pay any mind to the feeling he'd grown so used to ignoring.

Despite you and Sam both insisting a weekend away would be a good honeymoon, everyone wanted to send you off to somewhere nice for a couple of weeks. After collective brainstorming, they decided on and booked you two a 14-day all-inclusive honeymoon in Santorini, Greece. You were both pushed onto the Quinjet before you could object at all. Someone had already packed bags for both of you and loaded them on. The ride wasn't as long as you thought it would be and Clint bid you both goodbye and good luck. The hotel room was opulent; it was decorated beautifully with paintings and native flora and fauna, rose petals on the bed, a chilled bottle of champagne sat on the table; it honestly felt like a dream. "Well, Mrs. Wilson, shall we?" Sam asked but when you tried to step into the room, he picked you up bridal style and carried you inside. He set you down on the bed gently but quickly positioned himself over you, his forearm holding him up with his free hand stroked your cheek, looking into your eyes with such love and adoration it almost made you cry again. "I love you so much, and I always will," he whispered softly as he trailed kisses from your lips down along your jawline and to your neck. "I love you too, Sammy, more than anything," your voice was quiet, your mind too focused on the way he was kissing and paying special attention to that one sweet spot on your neck.

For the first three days, you and Sam spent the entire time in your hotel room, intertwined with each other in an intimate dance. Exploring the island was incredible, Sam loved watching you admire everything and really take in the culture. He never missed an opportunity to take new pictures of you. You were sending plenty of pictures to the team, thanking them a million times over for this gift. Sam particularly enjoyed watching you in the crystal clear turquoise waters. Watching you was like being ensnared by a siren's song, and it was a song he never wanted to end. Reality felt off but he'd long ago accepted it was just his subconscious waiting for the other shoe to drop.

"Sam, wake up," your voice said as Sam was lightly shaken. Except, it wasn't exactly your voice, it sounded... off. He turned over and went to toss his arm around your waist and pull you close but was met with nothing. He furrowed his brows and looked around the room for you. Nothing. "(Y/n)?" Sam called as he got out of bed, pulling on whatever was closest to him. No answer. You weren't in the room or the bathroom, you weren't on the patio. He knows you would've left a note if you had gone somewhere. He starts to worry, he grabs his phone and scrolls through his contacts for your number but it's not there, neither are your text messages to each other; your pictures together are gone too. Even as Sam starts to full-on panic, he sees things around him starting to fade away; when he tries to grab something for stability, his hand goes through it. Soon, with everything gone, he's left in a white space with nothing around him. "Sam?" A distorted voice calls out, it's too masculine to be yours.

It sounds familiar, almost like Steve but not quite. "Sam, we need you to wake up right now," another equally distorted voice says and he swears he feels like someone lightly slapped his face. "Somebody go get Bruce!" a third voice calls, more of an order than a request; it was feminine but not yours, it sounded a bit like Natasha but not quite. "His vitals are spiking quite rapidly, he could be in danger very soon if we don't wake him up immediately," a digitalized voice said. Was it Vision, maybe?

Before Sam knew what was happening, he jolted up to a sitting position, gasping for breath. He was in his room at the Tower, everyone around him. He was soaking wet now and Bucky was holding an empty bucket behind his back. His eyes darted around the room anxiously as he questioned rapidly "where is she? What happened? How'd I just get here?" "Whoa, whoa, Sam, where's who?" Steve asked calmly as he gave his friend a towel. "What do you mean 'who'? My wife! My soulmate! Where's (y/n)?" He questioned, his anxious state making it come out harsher than he intended. Everyone still in the room shared a curious look before Steve cleared his throat "you aren't married Sam. You said you weren't feeling well last night so you went to bed early; you've been asleep for almost a whole 24 hours. We all rushed in when we started hearing things, then we heard screaming." Steve explained with a small frown. "We've been trying to wake you up for half an hour, whatever you were dreaming about must've been nuts," Bucky said, earning a look from Steve.

"His vitals are returning to normal, FRIDAY will keep a close eye though," Vision stated. Sam now sat in his bed in deep contemplative silence. "Do you need anything?" Steve asked, setting a hand on his friend's shoulder comfortingly. Sam shook his head after a long minute "no, I think I just need to be alone for a bit to process." Steve nodded and headed for the door, Bucky following with Wanda and Clint in tow. Natasha sent him a small smile and stopped on her way out "call any one of us if you need something, anything at all." He nodded, watching her close the door behind her. He felt a lump in his throat; the best year of his life was a dream. The love of his life, his soulmate, coming back into his life was a dream. He wanted to yell, punch something, cry, rip his hair out, do something/anything to get rid of the pit he felt in his heart now. He wasn't going on without you anymore, he'd done his best to forget and suppress so you could find someone who didn't have nearly two decades on you but he couldn't anymore. He knew you were his soulmate when he first met you but he suppressed it, assuming it was misplaced affection. He knew when he and Riley shipped out for the second time that you were his soulmate because now, he wasn't fighting for the country out of respect or loyalty, he was fighting so you specifically could have a good be safe in this country. Now, he absolutely knew you and him were meant to be together, and he was going to find you. He couldn't bear the pain of knowing who his soulmate was and not having you.

[yehet-me-up]

A Series of Missed Encounters

Pairing: Youngjae x Reader

Word Count: 2,265

Rating: (F) - fluff. it’s soft o’clock up in here.

Summary: For months you’ve almost met the sweet man who works at the local florist. Eventually you decide to take matters into your own hands.

Part 6 of the GOT7 colors series of oneshots! 🌈 Color: Yellow.

Crap, crap, crap, you think, dashing out from work in a rush. Self, how did you forget Mother’s Day gifts? Epic fail. 

You pull up Google Maps and search the nearest florist. Thankfully, working at a bookstore you were able to pick up the latest book from your mom’s favorite mystery series on your break.

But you always bring her flowers, and in the insanity of the store’s Mother’s Day sale weekend, you’d forgotten to get any yesterday. Ugh, things are probably going to be insanely expensive today. 

With a groan you open your car and get in, scrolling past several shops with fancy names that are definitely out of your minimum-wage, starving college student budget.

Your eyes light up when you see Choi’s Florals and the single $ next to the name indicating its affordability. ‘Best chance I’ve got,’ you sigh.

After several minutes filled with colorful swearing at slow moving cars in front of you, you pull into the parking lot and snag a spot a few spaces down from the shop. 

It’s simple, yet well laid out, you think as you squeeze inside. Just after six pm on Mother’s Day and it seems you’re far from the only person to wait until the last minute.

Dodging fellow shoppers you manage to find the peonies and choose a nice looking bouquet. There’s a long line waiting for the two cashiers and you tap your foot while you wait, trying your best to be patient but feeling the minutes ticking away. Your family is definitely going to be wondering where you are if you aren’t home for dinner soon.

Finally, you’re the next one in line. When you look at the cashiers you notice that one of them is a handsome man around your age ringing up a pair of women

He smiles brightly at you, his eyes crinkling in an adorable way. You turn, looking behind you, but the man behind you is at least eighty. Heat rushes to your cheeks when you turn back and realize he’s looking at you in between ringing up the customers at his station. You return his smile and hope you’ll be called up to his station.

‘Helloooo. Next!’ comes an insistent voice.

You turn and notice the other cashier, an older woman with long black hair and very similar features to the good looking guy. She’s pursing her lips and motions you forward with an impatient wave of her hand. 

You think about waiting for the guy, letting the man behind you go first. But that would be too forward, wouldn’t it? And crap, I have to get home or I’m dead, you think sadly.

With a sigh you step forward, paying for your flowers quickly. 

By the time you’re done the old man is being rung up, loudly yelling about not being able to find the flowers he wanted. The sweet cashier meets your eyes again, giving you another smile and a wink. With an amused shake of your head you finally turn and dash out of the store.

Finally, a pause in the day, he thinks as two girls run out the front door, their hair and makeup done up, but wearing tee shirts and sweatpants. He sighs, leaning an elbow on the glass counter and resting his chin on it.

Prom night at the high school three blocks away is always insanity. No matter how many pre-orders and day before pick up options they’ve tried, the afternoon of the event is always a madhouse. Teenagers coming in various states of dressed up to procure boutonnieres and corsages.

With a tired laugh he grabs a few more corsages and fills the display on the counter. He can hear his mother in the back ranting to his aunt with amusement about kids these days who leave everything to the last minute. The front bell dings and he looks up to greet the customer.

You walk quickly up to the counter, blowing a hair out of your face. He grins at the unexpected surprise, he didn’t think he’d get to see you again.

‘Hi. Do you have any corsages left?’ you ask with a laugh, resting your palms on the counter and looking stressed.

He blinks, frozen for a moment, his eyebrows pulling together. He’d pegged you at his own age, and is momentarily thrown off by the request. A second later he snaps out of it. 

‘Oh, yes. Yes. Of course. We have some right here, in a couple different colors,’ he says, motioning to the display.

‘Umm.’ You consider the options briefly and then grab the yellow one, setting it on the counter and pulling out your wallet. ‘This one, thank you.’

‘No problem at all, thank you for your business,’ he says politely.

He still smiles at you, though perhaps a little less animatedly than before. When you came in the first time he was blown away, anxiously trying to wrap up with his customer so he could be the one to talk to you. He tries not to feel disappointed while he rings you up, but fails miserably.

‘Have a great day,’ he says with a tight smile, handing you the container.

‘You too,’ you say brightly, walking back towards the door.

With your hand on the door you pause, hesitating a second even though you’re obviously in a rush.

‘It’s for my younger brother, by the way,’ you say with a lopsided grin. ‘I volunteered to get it for him cause he’s trying to get toothpaste off the lapel of his jacket right now.’

He laughs, relief and renewed excitement flooding him. ‘Ah, poor kid. That’s very nice of you.’

‘I’ll see you around,’ you say with a wink, pushing out the door and disappearing.

He returns to his restocking and starts humming.

‘What else do you want to get? Lunch maybe?’ your friend Becca says, putting the box with the earrings she just bought in her purse.

‘Hmmm, let’s wander and see?’ you say, weaving through the crowds of the farmer’s market.

‘Sounds good,’ she replies, linking her arm in yours to avoid being separated in the Saturday morning crowd.

You stop to look at another jewelry table and narrowly avoid buying an amethyst necklace that’s way out of your price range. A man with an orange mohawk tries to convince you to buy an antique mirror he’s restored. 

Becca talks you into getting fair scones and you happily agree. The flaky pastry and jam creations are a staple of the fair every year and you wouldn’t miss them for the world.

After another couple of hours you’re just about ready to go, when you spot a familiar face in the crowd. 

Through the mass of people you spot the handsome man who works at the florists. Choi Florals has a small stand and is selling bouquets at the market. From this far he can’t see you, and with a hint of alarm you notice he’s waving to the man at the stand and turning to walk the other direction.

‘I’ll be right back,’ you say to Becca and start working your way through the crowd.

Unfortunately, by the time you emerge he’s nowhere to be found. With a sigh you drop your arms. It seems that the two of you will never meet properly, you think with a laugh. The customer at the stand finishes paying and you approach the young man working there.

‘Excuse me,’ you ask and he smiles warmly at you. ‘Is the man that you were just talking to coming back?’

He looks off in the direction your mystery man went and smacks his knee. ‘My cousin? Nah, he’s done for the day. He’ll be very sorry to hear there was a pretty girl asking about him though. Do you want to-’

‘Why’d you run off? Everything okay?’ Becca asks, coming up to you with a confused expression.

You turn back to the man at the stand and nod your head. ‘Thanks so much for your help.’

He laughs and shakes his head. ‘No trouble at all.’

You slip your arm into Becca’s and steer her off back to the rest of the farmer’s market. ‘Oh it was nothing.’

‘Hurry up with those Youngjae, we’ve got two more weddings to get to today. No time for slacking,’ his mother calls, heading into the venue to find the wedding planner.

He laughs and wipes the sweat off his forehead with the back of his hand. The July sun is unforgiving, beaming down as he unloads crate after crate of table displays. 

With his cousin’s help he manages to unload and position the two enormous vases that frame the arch at the end of the aisle. Finally, the only thing left is the bouquets for the wedding party.

‘Youngjae, run those inside to the big table by the couches,’ his mother instructs with a point of her finger.

He nods and gathers them up in his arms, heading off in the direction she pointed. With the enormous lilies in the bride’s bouquet his vision is severely limited. Finally, he finds the door to the room she’s talking about. With a groan he realizes that the door is shut, and he has absolutely no space to get a hand free.

‘Here, let me help you,’ a pleasant voice says from inside.

The door blessedly opens and he maneuvers himself inside with all the bouquets. As carefully as he can he lays the flowers out on the table. He turns to thank his rescuer and you both are surprised to find each other, yet again. Instinctively he reaches a hand up to fix his hair.

‘Thanks for the help,’ he says with a grin. ‘Nice to see you again.’

A flush comes to your cheeks and you let out a laugh, smoothing a hand down the pale pink of your bridesmaid’s dress. ‘You too. We’ve got to stop meeting like this,’ you joke.

‘Right? I’m -’ he starts.

His attempt to finally introduce himself, to ask your name, to get your number, or to say anything other than a cursory greeting is interrupted once again.

‘Time to go, what’s taking so long?’ his mother says, peeking her head in the door. ‘Two more weddings to go, remember?’

She purses her lips and strides off to the car. He opens his mouth to quickly speak again, but another woman wearing the same dress you are comes down the hall.

‘Oh, awesome! The flowers are here. Perfect timing. Help me grab these, we’re about ready for pictures,’ she says, not seeing Youngjae there.

You both sigh, looking at each other with amusement.

‘I’ll see you around?’ he says with a laugh, moving to the door.

‘Definitely,’ you reply, hoisting several bouquets into your arms, following your friend down the hallway.

A week later you park your car out front of the shop. Drumming your thumbs on the wheel you hesitate. What if he was just being nice and he’s not interested in you at all? You bite your lip and consider your options.

Eventually, his handsome face, smiling at you comes to mind. ‘Better to know than to keep wondering,’ you say to yourself decidedly and get out of the car.

You push into the shop in a rush, as seems to be the general trend when the two of you meet. Blessedly, there’s no customers in the store, and no family members in sight. As you approach the counter he comes out from the back room with an armful of yellow sunflowers. 

He jolts in surprise when he notices you. ‘Oh, it’s you again,’ he says with a grin, setting his flowers on the counter.

‘Yep. It’s me,’ you laugh, coming up to the counter. ‘I decided it’s time we finally meet.’

With a considering look he nods his head. ‘That sounds like a fantastic idea.’ He looks dramatically behind him, around the store, and out into the parking lot.

‘What are you doing?’ you say in amusement and join him in looking around.

‘I’m just waiting to see what’s going to interrupt us this time,’ he deadpans and you laugh.

You both stand there waiting with grins on your faces. Once it’s clear nothing is coming you stick your hand out to him and introduce yourself.

He takes your hand and shakes it, his warm palm sliding against yours. ‘Youngjae. Since this might be a limited opportunity… will you go out with me?’

‘Absolutely. We’d better act fast,’ you say mischievously, pulling out your phone.

He does the same and you exchange numbers, leaning close over the counter. A beat later and a noise is heard in the back.

‘Youngjae, where are you? Come help me unload this delivery?’ a male voice calls from the back.

You both sigh in amusement. ‘I’ll see you soon, okay?’ you ask, turning and sliding your hair behind your ear.

‘Deal. Wait, take one of these with you. On the house,’ he says warmly. When you turn he’s holding out one of the long, uncut sunflowers. ‘They’re so bright and happy they remind me of you.’

With a blush you reach out and take the flower, your fingers touching his briefly. ‘Thank you,’ you reply, holding the flower delicately as though it might break.

‘Anything for you, sunshine,’ he counters with a wink, heading into the back.

By the time you get back into your car you already have a text waiting. How does tomorrow sound? Better get in a date while we can ;)

You laugh and start typing out a response.

[serenamantra]

As you can see, the last year of being a college student made me so busy, exhausted and stressed at the same time. I really don’t know what came up to me that I tried being part of the college board in our department because of course, you will always think that if you’re graduating, sobrang hirap ng ayusin ng time management mo; the duties and responsibilities sa orgs and subjects mo for the 2 semesters and syempre, your sleep.

But then again, I survived doing so and I’m so proud of myself. Ang pagsabay sabayin ang school requirements, graduating requirements, the college board thingy requirements and such. But you know, I had so much effort and sacrifices once I stepped on my 4th year as a college student. Sobrang bad ko kasi as a student I just took it like something that is not important dahil I’ve got so many destructions while I started my college years. 

Story time: I was having a hard time picking my course since I had arguments with my parents, my siblings and to my best friends (I think I may have said this one to my past posts) I really want to be a veterenarian when I was young. But my school doesn't have that course and I have to study in that school up until my dad decided to retire. So no to other school for me. I had to settle for a course that wasn't and never been my choice. It was suggested by my sister. It was a business course and I had a very hard time with it because I don't really understand what the fuck I'm being in to. But for that few months, I had friends who helped me survive a course that is their passion. And I had one subject that made me realize what I can finally fit into, general psychology. This is where I decided that in the next semester, I'll be shifting to Psychology. Thanks to my friends in CBA, I get to survive a course that I cannot understand. They helped me acquire and face the fear of being all alone in a world I couldn't understand. They brought me the comfort while I was in their home and I will forever hold on to the friendship we shared. I get to spent time with them whenever we are all free and I miss them so much. And I'm so happy all of us graduated at the same time.

Another one who saved me from being so bad is I joined the Christ's Youth in Action in our school. I had fun and had a very strong faith because of this organization. We worked for people who have strong faith or guided the youth to be one of us. It was one of the reason why I was busy in the first year of my college years. But then I stopped and I quit. I was in that moment that I am in the moment that I don't enjoy it anymore being with the people inside the organization. The people who calls themselves "leaders". It felt like I really need to be this "perfect" in everyone at the organization and that was being plastic. And I hate being plastic. So I stopped. I'm still friends with them but with those people who knows and accepts the real me. I don't like to surround myself with people who think so high of themselves and that they won't commit any sin or mistakes because they are part of the CYA. It was frustrating and suffocating.

(This is the part where I thank everyone who made the possible of my graduation. Charot)  

I would like to thank my mom and dad for they have given me so much patients and they opened there doors for my choices in my college years. Thanks for telling me the things I had to do and the things that is right for me. Thank you for understanding my life decisions. I was so mad at you for dectating my course when I was still a freshmen but end up dealing with my "psychology major behavior". Thank you because you loved me with all your heart. Everyone would love how you shrugged off my behavior of drinking too much and sleeping late or going home late and you thought I was going to be a disgrace but hey! I finished college without getting pregnant or marrying someone. Haha! I love you my parents. Someday, I will choose the right path and I'll give everything back that you deserve. I am so blessed to have you as my parents. (Sorry for the photo, I didn't get to have a photo with them and di pa nasesend sakin yung photo ng photographer ng school namin yung sa bacclaureate mass na photo namin)

For my second parents, thank you for spoiling me of everything that I needed and I wanted. Thank you for always telling the things I should do in a harsh way. Thank you for letting me see how awful marriage is. JOKE HAHAHAHAHA I wish you all the best. And thank you for giving me a job! Hahahahaha (They are the one who accompanied me in my graduation because my mom is busy preparing for the celebration at home and my dad's entitled to be the host of the commencement exercises)

After leaving College of Business and Accountancy, I was judged by a person whom I am very close with now. She thought I was one of the "pabebe" girls who she'd never be close with cause she's a lesbian. And she hates pabebe girls. But honestly, we really can't remember how we met and got close. Its just that, up until now we are super close and I even announced it that she's one of my bestfriends. And she does too. Hihi. I would really like to thank her for telling me to hate girls na puro lang arte wala namang substance. Coming from a lesbian! Hahahaha. Bet she still got that feminine side of her. Thank you for that 3 years. You were a savior. Along with her, I got really close with boys. Again. She's friends with boys because she knows she will feel at ease and because of that, I got pretty close with them. We call ourselves "Pandok Arak" (means mukhang alak). During the easy moments of our college life, we usually end the day drinking. Probably it is the reason I got a high tolerence towards alcohol, we were drinking gin bilog with dalandan 6 days straight! After our last class! We separate ways on our last year during 1st semester because we were apart in our practicum. But after that, we made sure that after graduation, we will celebrate and drink away the stress and busy schedule we had for almost a year. And I want to take this opportunity to thank you all for saving me from drowning to my sadness. You were there when my bullshit ex had to treat me like trash every goddamn time. Thank you because you didn't leave me and we got through this together. I will never forget you. 

To my highschool bestfriends aka sisters, thank you for picking all the trash I put into you with my colleg life problems. We handled it amazingly! College may had brought us apart but thank you because you all tried. To all the fights and sweet moments we will forever cherish! We are almost done with school (We're still waiting for Nikki) and I can't wait to finally accomplish our dreams for ourselves together! 

Thank you also, Bem. Without you, I didn't might walked that stage and got my diploma. Thank you for telling me to work that ass and finish all the requirements needed. Thank you for letting me be the "bad" side of you that you should need. You might not get it but you'll thank me later. Haha! You cried during our graduation because I whispered to you that "Bem, graduate na tayo. We did it!" It was a very heart warming and touching moment of our lives. Thank you for keeping me strong and saw that moment with all our batchmates. I can't wait till we grow old and finally call ourselves "successful". Cheers for the nights we forget our stress and live!

Thank you to my college sisters! Because all of you took part of making me the "Sam" that I am now. You made me look that brighter side on how things maybe if I follow your footsteps. Thank you for all your help! We did a great job!

Thank you for the people that was a total stranger for me but now we get to share our problems together. You were the "snap of fingers of thanos" because when everybody was gone, doing their own lives, you were there for me. Although I usually wake up with a messed up hangover or relationship because I will choose to drink alcohol with all of you rather than swallowing the toxicity he gives. Hahahahaha

And of course, thank you for standing me up and helping me face my fears of loving and fighting for what is right. I love you. Thank you for saving me from drowning. Thank you for the gift of friendship, you were the way I get to be close with them and build a new friendship that is going to cherished forever.

And lastly, thank you God for not giving up on me. I owe you big! I'm so sorry for being hardheaded and full of shit. Thank you for making me the person I am now. Without my faith on you, I might end up hating myself now. Thank you for opening doors and giving me another chapter to live and love life.

It lead us to a very stressful days, weeks and months and finally it came to an end. Thank you, UNC for the 13 years of mixed emotions. It was indeed an amazing journey. Probably I will miss all the things I went through in this university pretty much and it would be very sad to see that for this year, I didn’t fall in line for an enrollment. Ohhh. I hate separation anxiety. But nonetheless, thank you for your time and I’d hope to see you soon. Same goes to my friends! When all things falls into place, I hope we see each other at the top. 

[birger-wuvs-elsa]

Frozen OC Exchange

@wintryspice I got yours, and decided to focus on Hannah with mentions of Charlotte. I was very nervous about this, as I usually am when writing...literally any character at all I didn’t make myself, lol. I cheated a little, called in the good ass himself for backup; but he’s in disguise in a human rendition, so it’s okay. =P

Modern AU, because why not? X3 I hope you like it... (=^w^=)>”

P.S. Birger has a soft spot for literally any OC who’s Elsa’s kid, so I’m not surprised at all he made this easier to write, lol.

“You need to go visit him, Hannah; whether you want to is beside the point.”

Hannah stubbornly refused respond, or to meet her mother’s eyes. Though the reflection of her mother, Elsa, in the mirror before her certainly made that tricky. The young girl, with blonde hair a shade or two darker than her mother’s, decided to focus instead on her hands folded upon her lap. Despite the many words a part of her wanted to say that churned deep inside, Hannah kept them at bay. They would help matters…not with how complicated they’d become.

Not after losing her dad, only to find out she’d had an estranged uncle she never knew the whole time.

A man who’d apparently, despite his supposed “great love” for his younger sister, distanced himself thoroughly due to his personal loathing of her father. Because of this, and how her uncle had purposefully avoided his own family, Hannah wasn’t sure she wanted anything to do with him. He didn’t attend the ceremony of her parents’ marriage, had moved away not long afterwards, and she’d never heard tale of him until just a few days ago.

Her uncle had made it clear he hadn’t been willing to stay close, so shouldn’t he be the one who reached out to her?

Before she’d even noticed Elsa had finished brushing her hair, she felt a hand lay gently on her shoulder. Against her previously stubborn wishes, Hannah couldn’t help but look up and meet her mother’s eyes through the mirror. Though her own eyes were a tad greener than her mother’s, they still held a similar spark as they met through the glass.

“I know that learning of his avoidance of us because of your father hurt you, and you have every right to feel that way. But these are mistakes of the past made long before you were born that you’re judging him for. It’s not as if he absolutely abandoned us, anyway.”

Hannah’s eyebrows shot up, and her eyes widened. “How do you mean, mother?”

Elsa smiled a soft, bittersweet smile. “Dear Hannah, how did you think all of those gifts you and your siblings received without a From filled out came about? Or that college fund that mysteriously showed up when you came of age to use them, with others awaiting your siblings to be old enough?”

Her mother paused to give Hannah a moment to process this revelation, and process she did. Many of her (secretly) favorite gifts had been those mystery gifts with no From name, and the college fund reserved for her had been a great boon for her pursuing a medical degree. These blessings that she simply thought were subtle gifts from her parents, or family or friends that she knew and loved dearly…had come from him?

“In fact, if I’m being honest…the only reason I had the idea to get you Misha, is because Branko suggested it.”

A soft gasped escaped from Hannah, but she was all too in shock to care. Misha? Misha? Her precious husky, who currently laid curled in a fluffy, adorable mass on her dog bed in the corner of the room, snoring away, was also from him? The dear dog whom she shared with little Charlotte…

“B-but…” Hannah started, hesitant, the walls she’d built around her uncle slowly beginning to crack.

Elsa, patient as ever, began to tie her daughter’s hair in a loose French Braid as she gave Hannah time to continue. Not only did her daughter like this style, but it was one that Elsa commonly used herself. As such, the lighter blonde had sly motivations for tying Hannah’s hair this way for today. What better way to visually help her older brother to feel more comfortable around the niece he never meant, than to show how much like her mother she was?

Elsa only hoped it worked that way, and that it didn’t instead remind Branko of what he’d lost…

“But mother, if…if he cared that much about us, about you, then why?” Hannah implored as she stared at the reflection of her mother’s face, and ignored the pinpricks at her eyes that forewarned tears. “If he loved us why would he stay away?”

Elsa took in a deep breath through the nose, and sighed. “It’s both simple and complex, sweetheart. Branko was so terribly conflicted, he was not at all alright with my and Hans’ relationship. For reasons I’ll not disclose right now, suffice it to say those two did not have the most amenable relation. That would be even harder to explain, honestly, but Branko let us be because, in the end…he didn’t want to jeopardize our happiness, even if he didn’t like half of the involved party.”

“As for why he stayed away from you, the twins, and Charlotte? It was pretty much the same reasoning, really, but a tad different. Branko was scared to death of ruining what he had, he didn’t want to risk us having issues that would never have happened had he remained uninvolved. To put matters simply?”

Elsa gripped Hannah’s shoulders and squeezed gently. “Your uncle was afraid his very presence would ruin our happiness, and sacrificed getting to see you all grow up to ensure you grew up happy.”

Hannah took a shuddering breath before she turned to meet her mother’s eyes directly. “But, that means…did he also stay away from you?”

The young woman didn’t miss how her mother gulped, and how her eyes grew unfocused as she sighed. “Indeed, he did…it pained him as much as it had me, it seemed, from his letters.”

Hannah sat up in attention, “Letters? When did he send you letters?” She then frowned. “Who even sends letters anymore, these days?”

Elsa actually laughed, a hand coming to cover it before she spoke. “Branko is about as stubborn as you are, plus he loves the feel of paper beneath his hand and under a pencil. As for when, he always sent them along with the gifts. Other times as well, sure, but typically along with a package of some sort.”

Hannah let her eyes drift down as she sighed. This was a lot more revelations about her estranged uncle than she expected, and they certainly changed things more than she thought they would. She was initially more than willing to keep Branko at arm’s length, since he’d seemed content to do the same for decades. But of course, the situation just couldn’t be that clear cut, could it? No, of course not…black and white would make it too easy, of course there’d be grey.

The hands that were still on her shoulders squeezed gently once more, and Hannah looked back up at her mother.

Elsa smiled gently as she brought up one hand to caress her daughter’s temple. “Please, go see him, I know for a fact he’s equal parts eager and scared to meet you.”

With a gulp and a tentative nod, Hannah Marie agreed.

A few hours later…

Hannah nervously entered the high-end bar where her mother had dropped her off to finally meet her uncle. While Elsa herself remained outside in the car, to be there for Hannah for whatever she needed, the younger woman had entered alone. The bar was by no means a shoddy establishment, and certainly had its fair share of wealthy patrons. Whatever it was her uncle did for a living, between the presents he’d sent and the college funds he’d set up—and the bar he chose for them to meet at—Branko clearly did not have much to want for.

Despite knowing what her uncle looked like, Hannah still took her time to search for him. Mostly because she was still terribly nervous to see him, let alone meet him, but partially because of the many strangers in the bar. It wasn’t a busy crowd at all, exactly, and was hardly bustling. But it was a greater number of strangers in one place than Hannah liked, that was for sure.

“Just focus on why you’re there, find your uncle, and stay close to him. He will protect you, I swear it.”

Her mother had told her because Hannah had exited the car, along with a reminder she’d be just out in the car if needed. Knowing that she had two points of safety greatly comforted her, even if one of those points were technically foreign. But if even half of what Elsa had said was true, then Branko had loved his nieces and nephew without even having met them.

On the drive over, Hannah’s mother had shared many tales of her and Anna’s childhood growing up with their elder brother. They’d been lovely and sweet stories indeed, and certainly helped to give Hannah a better impression of who her uncle was. Apparently, upon the respective births of his younger sisters, Branko had sworn to keep them safe—even at what was a young age, having been only four when Elsa had been born. That protective only grew stronger with him, even if the events caused those urges to be shaken and called into question.

But now, as Hannah slowly strode through the bar and searched for shaggy hair the color of her aunt’s but styled like her mother’s, the young girl hoped that same protection still counted for her now.

Especially when Hannah felt an unwelcomed touch on her shoulder from behind.

“What’s a small thing like you doing here, milady?”

The voice was far too high and scratchy to be her uncle’s, and so fear quickly rooted itself in Hannah’s stomach. Elsa had described even Branko’s voice, a comforting baritone that seemed like it could suit a noble dragon. This voice sounded more like it suited a snake, and Hannah was afraid that comparison would become all the truer.

She slowly turned around, and indeed, the man who loomed over her did not seem overly compassionate. His black hair was too thick with product, thin smile too fake, green eyes too lit with a sheen that all but made Hannah sick. The fact he was tall enough that she had to look up to meet his eyes didn’t help; he was probably a whole half-a-foot taller!

Hannah gulped as she struggled to remain calm. “I’m looking for someone, sir. If you’ll excuse me, I don’t wish to be late.”

As she tried to pull away, to Hannah’s mounting horror, the man’s grip only tightened. “Now now, whoever they are can wait a tick. ‘Sides, they can’t be all that great if they left a pretty thing like you all alone.”

Hannah’s eyes narrowed. “They didn’t leave me alone, I am here to meet them. Please, sir, he’ll be worried if I don’t find him.”

She tried to pull away again, but the grip just tightened more. The growing pressure caused Hannah to suppress a wince; either against the pain of the grip itself, her fear, or the pain in her chest…Hannah wasn’t sure anymore.

“Don’t be in such a hurry to leave a nice man, missy! You’re lucky I’m even–“

“Pray tell, why is she lucky, Gerald?!”

Hannah’s eyes widened at the voice that shouted out, and the fear melted as hope warmed her chest. That voice sounded almost exactly how she imagined it would. It had to be him, oh please, please, let it be him!

Both Hannah and the man, Gerald, looked up to where she’d initially been headed to see a beast of a man approach. The eyes of both widened, for different reasons; awe and fear, respectively. Hannah couldn’t help but be amazed that this man was the brother of her mother and aunt. He was so tall! Taller even than Gerald, and with a muscular frame that put every man in the bar to shame.

His auburn hair was loose and wavy, not unlike Elsa’s own blonde hair behaved, but was trimmed where it would’ve fallen into his sharp blue eyes. Those he certainly shared with his big little sister, though he’s all but burned as he glared at the man who now shrank away from Hannah. As he got closer, the young woman noted how the auburn hairs were accented by dusting of blonde, almost like how grey hair was, but…this was less grey and more platinum blonde, startingly similar to Elsa’s hair. They even both had dark eyebrows…

Hannah wasn’t sure if this strange mixture of red and blonde hair was natural, or, given how the colors mixed, if Branko’s hair was naturally blonde and it’d just been awhile since he re-dyed it red. Either way, it harkened to both of his little sisters, and the familiarity eased Hannah’s fragile heart. As Branko all but snarled at the man who was getting farther and farther from her, Hannah noted the blonde goatee and beard combo that encompassed almost all of her uncle’s face.

None of the facial hair had hints of red; perhaps, then, he had once dyed his head red?

That mystery was irrelevant, though, as Branko protectively got in-between Hannah and Gerald, the latter all but relieving himself before the greater man.

“I-I just meant, er, um–nothing! No reason, Branko, I swear! I was just, uh, helping her! Yeah! The little lady was just looking for someone, and I–”

Branko cut him off with a dismissive wave and a growl, the former action further likening him to Elsa in Hannah’s eyes.

“Don’t even bother, Gerald! That was the laziest bloody attempt at fabricating and excuse I’ve ever heard. Now, get your skinny, useless ass out of here, before I show you the meaning of my own personal definition of gobsmacked!”

Without another word, Gerald scurried out of the bar, his metaphorical tail all but one with his legs.

The crowd, strangely enough, had paid no heed to the show beyond a few scattered chuckles. Apparently, this was normal, and ended how everyone expected. With the sorry man taken care of, Branko sighed, only to mysterious stiffen as Hannah watched. His back was still to her, and just now the blonde noticed he was dressed far more causally than most of the bar’s patrons. While most all of them wore suits, Branko was clad in fine black jeans, a dark blue long-sleeved collared shirt—the sleeves of which were rolled up, its collar pressed down—and a deep red ascot.

When Branko made no move to turn around, for reasons Hannah could easily guess, she decided to make the first move. She carefully approached him, and raised a hand to gently touch his strong forearm. The man all but startled at her touch, but didn’t whirl around suddenly. Rather, he slowly, oh so slowly, turned his head to glance at her other a broad shoulder. As their eyes met, his eyes to very blue compared to her greenish blue ones, and Hannah’s heart melted at what she saw in his.

He almost seemed afraid…but she could swear she saw hope somewhere.

Hannah took a deep breath and smiled her gentlest smile. “Hi…I’m Hannah Marie…A-Anderson.”

Branko sucked in a sharp breath, and held it for so long Hannah feared he was going to pass out. But then he slowly let it out, and smiled wide a she did so. Finally her turned to properly face her, and to Hannah’s surprise he bowed, so not terribly deeply.

“Branko Kasun Anderson, always at your service.” As he rose from his bow, his smile wavered. “If you’ll have me, that is…”

Without wasting a moment, Hannah leapt forward to hug the strong, barrel chest of her long-lost uncle.

“Only if you’ll forgive me for trying to hate you…” She whispered softly, fearfully, pleadingly against his shirt.

To her great relief, she felt strong arms gently shelter her as she clung ever tighter.

“Forgive me for letting my pride keep me away, and for daring to wait till now to meet you, and you have a deal, my little princess.”

Thanks to the stories Elsa’d shared in the car, Hannah knew immediately the source of the pet-name. Growing up, the trio of Branko, Anna, and Elsa had played games of royals when they were young. No doubt, Branko now saw Elsa as a queen to the princess she’d been when they were kids. Now, Hannah was his princess…a title she never knew she wanted till now.

An idea came to the blonde, and she excitedly pulled back and looked up at Branko’s face. “Good sir! Your service is needed outside, this instant!”

A big, almost smug grin arose on her uncle’s bearded face. “Lead the way, your highness.”

Hannah watched happily from the passenger seat as she had her own private viewing of a reunion long in the making. The sight of her mother clinging desperately but oh so happily to her dearly missed brother all but made Hannah cry herself. Yes, her mother was crying; but they were tears of relief and joy, shed as well by the brother who held her tight. As she watched the precious reunion, it occurred to Hannah…she was the only one of her siblings who yet knew of their uncle. Rynar, Eira, and Charlotte had yet to be told…she only knew because she’d picked up hints of Branko’s existence, and asked.

But Hannah knew which of her siblings would most love to meet their reclaimed uncle.

I can’t wait to tell Charlotte…

[alluringoneirataxia]

About Me

Astoria Cathryn Andromeda

I am 19 years old. I had blonde hair for my whole life until last month when I dyed it dark brown with blue underneath. I am an electrical engineering student. I had an internship at NASA Ames Research Center last summer. I work on my university's small satellite research lab, mainly on electrical hardware. I think calculus is fun as long as I'm not confused. I hate coding, no matter how useful it is, I hate programming. I like skateboarding with my friends in random parks, making a fool of myself, reading books, being a whore for attention, being a whore for the trope enemies to lovers in literally any form. I like swimming in the ocean until a fish touches me. I love my fraternity, it's a co-ed professional engineering fraternity. Dogs are pretty fantastic, I think cats are too but I am much more allergic to cats than I am dogs even though I have lived with at least two dogs since I am home from the hospital. I like cats, but my body doesn't. Technically my body doesn't like anything furry, or anything outside, or gluten. I always say natural selection should have taken me if modern technology wasn't a thing. I hate overhead lights, especially white ones. I am always in low lighting. I love the sun, I love summer and swimming, and I wish I could get tan, but I just burn. For Christmas, my mom is buying me a piece of land in the Highlands in Scottland, so I can protect it from being commercialized and I get the title Lady. My mom's maiden name is Scottish, so there's that, but also I feel very strongly about the environment. I hate it when they start to build new stuff. I think the human race should end with Gen Z, jokes. I really love the smell of books, but I prefer reading stuff on my phone or kindle which is super backward I think. I really only eat salad, chicken, cliff bars, and gluten pasta with nothing on it. My car's name is Djibouti, named after the capital city, not the country to be specific. I love her, she has front pinchers very badass for a Toyota. I really hate the Christmas season like in general. I especially hate Christmas music, or the number of covers, and how long they play it on the radio. I mean I like getting gifts, but everyone is very joyful and lovey and it's sickening to me. Idk be a good person all year, and stop being sickly fake sweet right now. Yes I know I'm a grinch. I like Halloween and Thanksgiving. I just think Christmas is overhyped, and I've been over it since I was 12 so sorry. I mean I still think Micheal Bubble is a fine guy, I just don't like the season in general. I prefer big dogs over little dogs. I really have always wanted a little black cat and name it Harley, but I am quite allergic. The protein in the cat's salvia is what most people are allergic to, and there are certain breeds that produce less of it, and female cats produce less, and lighter colored lights produce less, but that pretty much destroys my dream of having a little black cat. I don't know where that came from, but I've always that it was dope. I am from suburbia of America, and I went to crazy shit competitive high school, so I thought I was average intelligence until college and I found out I am slightly below average. Like 70 people went to ivy leagues, my class. I hate the two-party system in America, I think it literally reserves any progress this country could have made. I think like every white guy in your history textbook gloried. Like Trump said he's done more for African-Americans than Abe Lincoln did, and let me tell you that asshole literally only freed the slaves in the states that were rebelling. There were still slaves in like the in the middle area, and he also was responsible for the largest mass hanging in American history, and guess who it was. Some Sioux tribe Native Americans and they did it to them on their own fucking land. If you think Thomas Edison is cool, well I am about to ruin it, he was a fraud and a snake. All he did was be big charm big business man and steal patents and pay people to make stuff. My dude, Nikola Tesla though, you can trust him, he's real. He didn't get any money for all the scientific discoveries, because they were stolen, or he literally just didn't care. He was just in it for the science, man and that's respectable. I really like music. I really like a lot of different kinds of music. My spotify be popping, but for only me specifically and my very specific music taste. There are two people in this world that share 70% music taste with me. If you know who Usui is, um that's my dream man email me so we can simp. legally I do not drink alcohol or smoke oui'd or do psychedelics. legally in this written statement. I do not. Um I can't think of anything else, but I'm sure I'll come back and add more. I hope this was not your stereotypical bio. Making bios are boring as shit. Oh I love Rick & Morty. Love Get Switfy, Existence is Pain, definitely Pickle Rick, and that fucked up dragon one. Hilarious literally peak humor. I like Futurama too, and New Girl. I used to be fucking ripped as shit when I as gymnast, and then I switched to swimming and weight lifted and I was still ripped as shit but like in a more long way, and then I stopped swimming when I went to college and I lost 23 pounds of muscle. So yeah that interesting, I was like wow didn't know I could weigh this little, and then my legs will hurts when I walk up the stairs and I'm like woooooow you are weaaaaaaak, you used to swim for like 5 miles straight and do flips the fuck. But I don't care enough to work out again. I don't like to do it by myself. I was on my university club swim team for like a hot second, but the practice was at 9pm and I got cold waiting o the bus after so I stopped lol. Things I recommend:

niche youtube documentaries

pdfdrive.com

bookbub

excel is fun like if you just do it for fun like for you lmao

Things I don't recommend:

skipping your programming class before a pop quiz on Friday

sitting in this hunched position I'm in my back hurts

thinking too much or too little: they both hurt

taking things for granted: I do this a lot😕

"Tu ne me manques pas"

Bis später,

Astoria.

[kardowolf]

5, 8, 9, 11, 13, 14 (specifically with me in London), 15, 18, 20, 24, 29, 30, 31 (Just cause I know you have alot to say on this subject), 51, 56, 57, 58, 74, 75, 78, 79, 81, 94, 96, 99. Ok, there you go. Should keep you occupied for a while. I eagerly await your answers. ;)

5: are you self-conscious of your smile?Yes. I have this one tooth that is slightly discolored from getting hit in the face with something as a child. They reconnected the roots when I was in high school, but I still hate smiling. I’m growing more comfortable with it though8: what artistic medium do you use to express your feelings?”Writing!9: do you like singing/humming to yourself?My first year in college I used to hum to whatever song I was listening to. My first year roommate thought it was adorable so she didn’t mention it until I asked about it. Now I hum only when I know I’m alone or I forget when I’m with other people. I was singing to myself walking back from class two weeks ago, but then the girl walking near me (who I hadn’t noticed before) gave me a weird look and I stopped. 11: what’s an inner joke you have with your friends?Citrus13: what’s something that made you smile today?I watched a Jacksepticeye video!14: if you were to live with your best friend in an old flat in a big city, what would it look like?@geekyanglophile asked me to do this specifically with her. Well, I’m a huge traditionalist so I think it would be very classical in style. It would definitely have a bedroom for both of us and maybe one for guests. I would want a skylight in my room. Oh! And there would need to be a library.  15: go google a weird space fact and tell us what it is!99% of our solar system’s mass is the sun18: tell us about something dumb/funny you did that has since gone down in history between you and your friends and is always brought up.Ummm. I can’t think of anything right now. Maybe clandles? I was showing one of my friends some candles on Etsy and tried to say soy candles but messed up and said clandles. Oh! Or the little lady at my favorite Chinese restaurant who always takes my order. She always super mean to me, but her food is really good. She’s less mean when my one friend is with me and she always makes me pay for both of us. My friend thinks its because she thinks we’re dating 20: what’s your favorite eye color?I don’t know if I have a specific favorite. 24: is there someone out there you would trust with every single one of your secrets?I don’t even trust myself with all of my secrets. Not that I have a lot, of course. Most of my secrets are my thoughts and I don’t need to be shouting those to everyone.29: what’s something really cute that one of your friends does and is totally endearing?@mintytimes always makes tea at around 8:00pm-10:00pm every day. I can almost always tell what time it is by when she makes her tea@katsintriis is always really sweet to all the cats at the shelter. She’s really patient with the shyest cats @labonvoightski always shows me her water bottle@guineapigposse jazz hands. That’s all I can say. Jazz hands. @transientfashion draws really cute things on all the postcards she sends me@czeppeli really likes comfortable sweaters30: think of it: have you ever been truly scared?yes!31: what is your opinion of socks? do you like wearing weird socks? do you sleep with socks? do you confine yourself to white sock hell? really, just talk about socks.I am a huge fan of socks. I am the queen of socks. I have socks for almost every occasion. I try to match my socks with something on my outfit. Back in the day, I used to wear different color socks because it was my way of “rebelling against the man.” Now I mostly wear socks that match. Stylish, matching socks.51: think of a person. what song do you associate with them?Shelter by Porter Robinson and Madeon 56: what are some things you find endearing in people?Ummm. Loyalty to their friends? Doodling? Caring about other people? Holding doors? Everything? 57: go listen to bohemian rhapsody. how did it make you feel? did you dramatically reenact the lyrics?Listen. I always reenact the lyrics dramatically. 58: who’s the wine mom and who’s the vodka aunt in your group of friends? why?My friend H-Gar is the wine mom and @mintytimes is the vodka aunt74: describe a good friend of yours without using their name or gendered pronouns.They really like the ocean. They are people pleasers. They try to do the best but it doesn’t always work out. Video games are their thing. I could talk to them for hours.75: tell us about your pets!Jiji (male cat): He’s named after the cat in Kiki’s Delivery Service. He’s kind of antisocial around new people. He really loves the vet though which is strange. Calcifer (male cat): Named after Calcifer from Howl’s Moving Castle. He’s cute, but he hates me. Little Man (male cat): He’s a people pleaser. He knows he is adorableRaku (male cat): He’s new. He is a bit cautious about everything. His meow sounds like a banshee’s scream. He really likes my brotherFortis (male): He’s a big old mastiff. He really loves people although most people are scared of him. He cried once in a park because a little girl was scared of him. He is really old. Most of the time he sleeps. Streakin’ (male horse): He isn’t really mine. He’s a picky asshole. He’s very specific about what apple he eats. But I would trust him with the newest rider. He’s basically bombproof. He doesn’t really want to do anything but walk around. He’s lazy. 78: are you in the minion hateclub or fanclub?Hmmm. Hateclub. Although I will admit that they are cute sometimes. But only sometimes. 79: what’s one of the cutest things someone has ever done for you?@katsintriis drew me a picture which is the background on my phone. I will never let this go81: describe one of your friend’s eyes using the most abstract imagery you can think of.They’re the color of stormy seas off beside forested shores. Everyone says they’re beautiful like the best picture in a scrapbook. 94: who was the last person you know to have a birthday?@geekyanglophile. I gave her the greatest birthday gift by making her drive me to the hospital on her birthday. The good news is that because she was awake she got to order the Switch so there is that, I guess. And now she’ll always remember her 22nd birthday. 96: do you install your computer updates really quickly or do you procrastinate on them a lot?Quickly!!99: list some songs that resonate to your soul whenever you hear them.Family by Mother MotherShelter by Porter Robinson and Madeon Fix You by Coldplay Friends from Wolf’s RainHistory Has It’s Eyes On You from HamiltonWho Lives, Who Dies, Who Tells Your Story from Hamilton

[icefireeclipse]

Ice’s Annual Post for 2017

Below is a list of cool/important/interesting things that I did during 2017 in order of month. They’re mostly in order by when they happened but a few may be out of order. The list is long so I put a Read More underneath if you’re interested. Enjoy!

January

Played Home is Where One Starts on Steam

Started watching Sailor Moon Infinity Arc

Started playing Pokemon Moon

Finished Jumin’s Route on Mystic Messenger

Had to drive to work at 6am because I forgot to return a button

Finished Seven’s Route on Mystic Messenger

Started re-learning my French just in case I move to Europe

Started considering moving to Europe after I finish college

Started my 2nd semester of college

Saw Hidden Figures in theatres

Met the woman my father began dating (spoiler alert: I like her)

Helped my mom and sister with tearing out the carpeting in the living room so we can get new flooring

Got a Robin Amiibo for an early birthday present

Cooked something for the first time this year that wasn’t ramen or hot chocolate

February

Celebrated my 19th Birthday

Got locked out of my car for the 1st time, coincidentally on my birthday

Got Pokemon Sun as a birthday present as well as a water bottle and some gift cards

Ran into an old teacher of mine from elementary school

Visited the World Market for the 1st time

Tried a candy bar from Britain for the 1st time

Learned how to make coffee

Started rewatching Ben 10 Alien Force

Finished my training at my job

Went to a seminar about refugee’s for my Diversity class

Signed up for a college tour that I ended up not going to because of Mother Nature

Played Awkward Dimensions Redux for the 1st time

Finally got into the main story for Mass Effect

March

Went to see Logan in theaters

Saw Finding Dory and Sausage Party for the 1st time

Got my dad a jar of herring for his birthday

Finally made a playlist on Youtube just for music

Started playing Penumbra Overture

Got my first $2 bill this year, and frankly first one in Many years

Continued to play Mass Effect

Bought a hot chocolate at a gas station for the 1st time

Purchased Mass Effect 3 off of Origin

Got a Origin account just to get this game

Spent the 1st day of spring getting a car wash

Rediscovered my love for Halestorm

Started listening to more music by Set it Off (instead of just 1 song)

Pre-registered for KitsuneKon 2017

Went to a Transgender rally for the 1st time

Went to a rally of any kind for the 1st time

Wacked a pinata for the 1st time in a few years

Played field hockey in a college room

Attended a girl choir concert for the 1st as a member of the audience

April

Finished Penumbra Overture

Started watching Season 2 of Shingeki no Kyojin

Came out as Queer to my Diversity Class (1st time I came out in public not to friends or family)

Decided to minor in Political Science along with my History Major

Joined Reddit

Downloaded  We Were Here and Medusa’s Labyrinth on Steam

Finished Mass Effect for the 1st time

Played through Mass Effect a 2nd time as a Renegade Sentinel

Attempted to use my debit card for the 1st time

Finally visited my great grandma’s grave after 7 years

Started watching Clannad

Got a gift card for Easter

Got free food at work because of Employee Appreciation Day

Started a test draft for The Fire Underground

May

Finally finished Huniepop

Started playing Serena but didn’t like it

For the 1st time, I have a friend of mine who works at the same job as me :)

Finished my (technically) 1st year of college

Played Super Smash Bros in order from 64 to Wii U for the 1st time this year

Redid the floors and got the kitchen walls painted at my mom’s house

Started working on painting and adding new floors in the living room too

Purchased Alan Wake on Steam during it’s Sunset Sale

Watched Tom Holland’s Lip Sync Battle (Yes that’s important)

Stepped into a Spencer’s for the 1st time (though it was only at the very front of the store to look at posters)

Started planning for my new Yarny cosplay for Kitsune Kon

Watched Guardians of the Galaxy Vol 2 twice in theatres

Bought a bikini for the 1st time (I usually only wear a tankini while swimming so wearing a bikini is huge for me)

Watched Steven Universe: Wanted and fell in love with Lars all over again

Worked during Memorial Day, but got paid more because holiday :D

Got my 2nd smartphone ever, a Samsung Galaxy S7

Ate a sandwich with a square bun for the 1st time

Updated my blog theme for the 1st time this year

June

Witnessed a felony traffic stop with arrests and everything for the 1st time

Celebrated my cat’s birthdays by giving them catnip

My parent’s divorce was finalized, same day as my cat’s birthday

Played Emily is Away for the 1st time

Returned to Mirai Nikki, an anime I never finished

Only just figured out Patrick Swayze died via a documentary (oops)

Attended my friend’s graduation party

Finished my 2nd and 3rd simultaneous playthroughs of Mass Effect

Started playing Mass Effect 2 and Life is Strange

Finished Episodes 1 and 2 of Life is Strange

Found out what the Grapefruit Technique is for some reason

Donated to Markiplier’s Charity Live Stream for Ablegamers

Kathryn mentioned my name (Icefire), my comment and thanked me for donating! :D

Purchased over $59 worth of games during Steam’s summer sale including Bioshock, Mirror’s Edge & Dragon Age Origins Ultimate Edition

Finished Life is Strange Episodes 3, 4 and 5 in the span of a few days

July

Played Blade Ballet for the 1st time

Played Monopoly and hung out at irl friend’s house for 3rd of July

Purchased Gone in November on Steam

Started watching Big Brother with my sister

Made a Yarny doll for the 1st time

Used an ATM for the 1st time

Attended Kitsune Kon for the 7th year

Almost didn’t make it to the con because I had stomach issues the morning of the con

Bought a lot of buttons, posters and dvd’s, etc from the con

Debuted my Yarny cosplay at the con

Went swimming for the 1st time this year

Continued unpacking things from my dad’s apartment before he moves

Toured the college I’m attending in January for the 1st time

Had to redo my financial aid application

Learned how to transfer funds from savings account to debit card. Horray for adulting!

Discovered the joys of Etsy

Toured my dad’s new house for the 1st time

Attempted to expand my storage on my Mac as I’m starting to run outd

August

Discovered StoreEnvy

Finished Mass Effect 2 for the 1st time

Began my application for transferring to a 4 year college

Finally put my posters up in my room at my dad’s house

Went Up North with my mom’s family for a weekend

Wore a bikini in public for the 1st time

Purchased VIP tickets to the Evanescence Concert

Bought VIP tickets for the 1st time

Found out my dad got engaged

Found and caught my 1st ever Shiny Pokemon (Shiny Haunter in Moon)

Tried VR for the 1st time

Went camping with my dad, his girlfriend and her family for a weekend

Started my 3rd and last semester at the technical college I’m at

Purchased Layers of Fear, Bioshock 2 and Remember Me on Steam

September

Met my dad and his fiancee’s new cats Ying and Yang

Officially got Accepted into the 4 year college I applied to

Finished Mass Effect 2 for the 2nd time

Started Mass Effect 3

Downloaded Origin

Bought tickets to see Diavolo from America’s Got Talent

Suffered from allergies for most of September

October

Attended an Employee appreciation day at my job

Visited a Counselor regarding my transfer to a 4 year college

Ordered a Christmas gift from my job

Finished Mass Effect 3 for the 1st time

Pre-registered for Kitsunekon 2018

Ate a fried egg sandwich for the 1st time

Submited my AP scores to my new college

Found a spring jacket that I lost back in Spring

Found over $20 in said jacket

Got an unofficial tour of the campus I’m going to in January by friend

Went to see Diavolo on tour 

Played The Old City: Leviathan on Steam

My job got a bunch of renovations (paint, appliances, new products, etc)

Purchased Soma, realMyst, Plague Inc, Undertale and other walking simulators during Steam Halloween Sale

Attempted to play Penumbra Black Plague but dealt with screen resolution issues

Started playing Layers of Fear on Steam

Caught Primal Kyogre with just one quick ball in Pokemon Alpha Sapphire

Finally beat Pokemon Alpha Sapphire after over a year of not touching the game

November

Turned in my “final” report for my Technical Reporting class

Went back to playing Pokemon Moon

Signed up for my classes for January

Finally got to see Thor Ragnarok in theaters after 4 years of waiting!

Got my “final” report graded, 96%!

Got back into the Thor fandom

Got my mom some bubble wrap and salt water taffy for her birthday (she loved it)

Started playing Overwatch for the 1st time

Discovered You Suck at Cooking Youtube Channel

Purchased a bunch of games for Black Friday (Overwatch, Dragon Age II and Inquisition, indie games, etc)

December

Had my annual review at the Gas Station I worked at and got a raise!

Went to see Evanescence in Concert for the 1st time since 2011!

Went to Madison for the 1st time in about 4 years (last time was just a few days before I started my Tumblr account)

Tried sweet Sauerkraut for the 1st time, it tasted okay but it was kind of strange eating sweet sauerkraut

Got my best friend some bubble wrap as a gag gift for his birthday

Went to my sister’s holiday choir concert

Finished a final and got a 90% on it (Ethics Class)

Procrastinated on said final and other final project

Got introduced to Round Planet by BBC

Finished Season 7 of Overwatch Competitive with Silver Rank

Started getting invested in Yugioh (abridged and the manga) 

Got the Synthesis (Evanescence) album for Christmas

Also got Pokemon Ultra Sun AND Ultra Moon for Christmas

My dad officially got married so I now have a step-family as of this month

Didn’t get to go to their wedding (it’s a long story)

Worked in Receiving at my job for the 1st time 

[azworkingdogs]

5 and ½ Dogs That Were on Death Row, but Beat the Odds and Became Service Dogs

I have spent the majority of my career working with Service Dogs or “Assistance Dogs” in one form or another.

I have worked for a number of different organizations, and even ran my own until I had to move across the country and was unable to continue.

Although I worked with a couple of organizations that did some puppy raising, I found that the most rewarding work came from taking adult dogs from shelters, saving a life, and training them for individuals with disabilities.

Chance and Lucky

Lucky and I in the Prison

Chance and Lucky were probably my very first experience working with surrendered dogs that became Service Dogs.

At the time I was working in Wisconsin for the Liberty Dog Program.  A revolutionary (for the time) program that was run in a men’s correctional facility that gave both the men and the dogs a new “leash” on life. Incidentally, this was my very favorite Service Dog experience, as I could see the importance it had on the lives of the men and the dogs, AND the Service Dog recipients!

Chance and Lucky were Golden Retriever and Border Collie mixes or at least that is our assumption due to their appearance.  They were given up by a young couple with a family because the family was tired of their antics, so they were dropped at the local shelter.  We liked renaming them because we felt like they getting a new and exciting opportunity.

They Were Given Up Because They Were Out of Control

I fell in love!

Ironically, all they needed was some dog obedience, structure, and training in their lives.

It turns out, when given a job, Chance was a mellow guy with a very sweet and nurturing personality.  He was actually placed with a 5 year old autistic boy.

The dog, once given up for being too crazy, was eventually tethered to a child.  If you think about it in those terms, it blows your mind.

His brother “Lucky” and I were soul mates.  I bonded to him hard!  He was so very intelligent and willing to work and do anything.  I spent a lot of time taking him all over in public places.

After life forced me to move, he was actually adopted and used by one of the other trainers as a demonstration dog to help educate the public about the important work Service Dogs provide.

This is why I consider him the ½   He lived the life, but wasn’t truly a working Service Dog.

Freedom

Me in my early 20’s and Freedom at a concert :)

Freedom was an Aussie mix that I adopted out of a shelter in Colorado.  I had just began working with the organization as office administrator, and because of my previous experience at the prison program, I was also utilized as a trainer.

Even though she passed the temperament test, she was full of sass!  She had actually been adopted out and returned to the shelter 3 times.  She had been at the DDFL for almost a year.

I loved her for her intelligence and innocent sauciness.  And it was my duty to make sure she didn’t go back to the shelter!  I couldn’t give up on her.

She was always up to a little bit of no good but loved being in public.  She had a way of making eye contact with the public and drawing them in to pet her.  Essentially, she was a “flirt” of mass proportions and had an affinity for children.  But I didn’t mind, because it allowed me to educate the public about Service Dogs.

She Was Afraid of Stomping Behind Her

Her biggest issue was being afraid when anyone would stomp up behind her.  She would tuck her tail and try to run. She was never aggressive, but as a trainer, I knew if I couldn’t fix this problem, she would be failed.  After all, you can’t be a Service Dog and have fear issues!

There were 5 of us trainers and after the initial month of basic ground work, the dog would go to another trainer to be worked and evaluated further.  This made our placement process so much easier because the dog was so used to working for a variety of trainers. It also meant that dogs that weren’t right for the program got failed quickly when they went to a different trainer, because emotions weren’t involved

I spent so much time stomping and clicking!  I undoubtedly looked like a lunatic in public when I was trying to desensitize her.

The good news is that I didn’t give up and it worked!  And we placed her with a client who was just as full of sass as she was, who also had kids for her to play with and love.

Incidentally, I cried when I placed her even though I knew she had the job of her dreams.  It isn’t easy.

Balto

Lucas and Balto (PHOTO BY GLENN ASAKAWA/DENVER POST STAFF)

Balto was one of my first placements with my own organization.

The mother and father of a 4 year old boy came to me because they were either denied by other organizations, or they were expected to raise or pay close to 15,000.

I placed all of my dogs free of charge.  I couldn’t charge the family of a disabled individual or child.  I knew the struggle.  And, I needed to be able to live with myself and sleep at night!

Lucas had mobility issues and needed a dog to help him walk.  His parents wanted him to leave the security of his walker and learn to balance more on his own for his physical development.

I used the breed that many would have discounted.

Balto was a Greyhound.  And, an ex-racing Greyhound at that!

Yes, A Working Greyhound!

No one could believe that a dog that once chased things for a living could be tethered to a 5 year old and learn some impulse control as well as advanced obedience.  He made the local news and the front page of the Denver paper.

I even taught him to retrieve (which is a small miracle with this breed of dog).

My only hiccup in training came when Balto went to school and visited a classroom with a class “bunny”.  Apparently he thrust his head into the open cage but didn’t harm the bunny.

So he came back to me, I got a pet bunny to train with, and we taught him a more solid leave it with small animals!

They were an adorable pair.  And, Lucas left his walker for a cane in one hand and a dog in the other.

Eternity

Matt and Eternity, the Ultimate Underdogs

Eternity was my “project” dog.  I was fundraising to pay his expenses by raising him for a country music artist who was my friend at the time.  His fans would also provide him with these lavish birthday gifts, but my idea was instead of buying him a “thing” we should donate money to saving a dog and placing it with a deserving human.

Eternity came to our program as a WILD 2(ish) year old 100+ pound Labrador Retriever.

He was one of my best “training feats”.

He Pulled Me Down and Skinned My Knee

The first day I brought him home from the shelter (he can been given up for being too big), he pulled me down and skinned my knee.

Admittedly, that made me angry.  But I knew he had the heart to do the job!

His size and exuberance made him a challenge.

I kept him on a leash full time at home, just to control his puppy antics and teach him basic control.

He had a complete lack of impulse control and would spin when it was dinner time.

His biggest challenge was learning to ride escalators.

He was terrified.

Again, not aggressive, but he didn’t want any part of moving stairs.  If he refused he would have to be released and placed as a pet.

The first time I tried to tackle an escalator, he nearly pulled me off and threw me off.  The drop would have been well over 10 feet.

It required 3 of us trainers.  One to get on with another dog first and block his ability to run forward.  Me to lock and load him onto the escalator.  And another trainer to keep him from running off of it backwards.

If he remained calm, I would reward him with a click and a full piece of cheese (quite the jackpot for him).

Within a few short sessions our worries went from being pulled off the escalator, to being pulled on and toward it because he wanted his reward.

He went to one of my favorite clients, ever, named Matt.  Matt suffered from a traumatic brain injury and was a big man.

He needed a dog to balance and counter balance for him and to assist him when that injury caused a seizure.

He and Eternity were the perfect pair and totally suited for each other.

Matt enforced rules and loved Eternity, but didn’t let him get away with even the slightest bad behavior!

They were well known for working on the campus for the college in Ft. Collins, CO.

London

London was one of my favorite “saves”.

Many service dog organizations and rescues are contacted as soon as a potential adoptable dog that might fit the bill comes through.

After all, shelter staff wants to get the good ones out as fast as possible.

Sure, some of these dogs (usually the really naughty ones that no one would expect) are on their last day, but many of them are quickly ferreted into more suitable situations.

London was literally within a couple of hours of euthanasia.

We were visiting a high volume shelter, mostly animal control, in the city of Denver.  The truth is that few dogs ever made it out.  With Denver Dumb Friends League and other shelters being more aesthetically pleasing and easier to get too with more variety, this shelter just didn’t beat the odds very often.

One of the shelter staff had contacted me.

He’s Not The Type

“He’s not the type”, she said on the phone.  He is not a breed I have ever seen as a Service Dog.  But he is sweet, and rescue won’t take him because he is a mix.

In this field, you often have to make a trip at the decree of another, even if you think it is futile.

However, I like to think of myself as less “breedist” and more of looking for a certain type of temperament.

Many organizations look at certain breeds and discount other breeds.

I didn’t want to be one of those.

You see, he was a Husky mix.

Huskies are known for being difficult to train and difficult to contain, among other training and personality problems that would make them nearly impossible to be handled by a disabled client.

I’ll admit it.

I took one look at him and I had my doubts.

But this little guy passed my temperament test with flying colors.

He was always so mellow (I think the Collie offset the Husky).

His biggest issue?

He Would Yodel When He Wanted Attention

I would be buying groceries, with him on a down stay down an aisle and he would “WOOOOOOO WOOOOOOO” with his best Husky voice.

Some unwitting shoppers found this behavior a bit disheartening and startling, since they didn’t expect a dog in their grocery store.  But he was never issuing anything but a friendly greeting.

I had to teach him to first “use his inside voice” by quieting his bark or “yodel”.  After all, it is instinct for Huskies to yodel, so breaking such a fundamental instinct completely would be difficult, if not impossible.

And, then I learned that he was less flirty by using his mouth if he was with me and busy.  So I opted to leave him in less down stays or up to his own devices.

We placed him with a lovely young girl who suffered from a traumatic brain injury.

She went from being ignored and left out of everything, to becoming very popular because everyone wanted to find out more about “London”.

He facilitated her ability to be social and popular.

He also gave her unconditional love.

Want Your Dog to Behave Like a Service Dog?

If these dogs can turn the odds in their favor, any dog and owner can!

It only takes a few minutes a day.

You don’t even have to force your dog to obey!

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[hornetdiaries]

MRSA and Mary Kay

Thursday's are not good for me.  It's not only because I have six hours of labs, two hours of pathophysiology, and not a single spare moment between nine to five the whole day.  It's because Thursday's are just a little bit weird.  One Thursday in particular started out with more promise than any before it.  I was going to my clinical nursing location for the first time, and I was taking a quiz in my other lab that a lot of people had failed, and then to top it all off I was actually going on a bonafide date with a legitimate human female.  

Since my dating experience in college had reached a grand height of once being stood up and having to fake being a part of a polyamorous lesbian relationship to some guys drunk mother, I didn’t have a very hard standard to beat.  I was going to out-romance all my friends because this would not be a regretful drunk makeout, nor would it be a random hookup with someone I’ve known for less than an hour, and this wouldn't even be with a guy that turned out to be extremely gay. I was going to do  this right and proper and get coffee while the sun was still up.  Absolutely nothing could have made me happier.

    My day started out with shimmying into my khaki scrubs, dawn my red polo, and lace up my clunky white shoes, and look like the most capable Target employee while I ate overcooked eggs with a viciously confident attitude.  I was actually so distracted by how capable I felt that I ended up leaving ten minutes late and being the last one to arrive.

    The six other nursing students and I followed around our professor like ducklings in this scary new pond.  As soon as a patient began to approach our line and our professor made first contact, we were all wide smiles, caring eyes, and the most compassionate “good mornings” anyone has ever been gifted in their life.  Over and over we rinsed and repeated until it was a perfect angelic chorus of “Hello, good morning, thank you, giggle” bringing joy to all and internally shaking from fear that any one of them would look us dead in the eye and tell us to recite Krebs cycle.

    Every patient I saw was a small burst of excitement in that I could get to discover some new ailment, and then a flash of fear as I realized that if I breathed the wrong way I would kill them.  But everyone was nice, and the nurses actually looked happy to be working there which was a rare sight to see.  Even more strange was that people were happy to see us.  Nursing students were supposed to be pummeled emotionally and physically, getting the crap end of the stick more literally than not.  But these nurses were respectful and courteous and even excited for us.  Our professor later told us that it was because of how well the college maintained its nursing program reputation, and within the orientation brochure for us were several employment pitches.  It was actually the most motivational thing I had ever heard.  I came to the school knowing that the program was well respected in the field, but being surrounded by only nursing students who were dropping like flies left and right, always complaining and wanting to get out so bad, I had forgotten that this was actually an amazing thing to be a part of.

    And then of course we got smacked in the face with MRSA.  The big bad nosocomial monster lurking under the bed of every immunocompromised patient.  Contact precautions dictated gloves and a gown, so we all stood in silence, conscious of every small tear in our skin that the disease could leak into.  Gloves had never been so hard to put on, and I could have sworn the strings of my gown had turned into wet spaghetti they were so hard to tie.  I nearly started yelling at my gloves when they refused to keep my cuffs tucked in, as though I could already feel the microbes crawling up my arms and settling into my skin.

    As soon as we walked into the room however, all my fears went out into the closed ventilation system of the room.  Because there in front of me was the smallest old lady made of bones with skin hanging off of them, and two giant swollen legs with bandages wrapped around and soaked with fluid.  I fell in love immediately and took up my spot right at the foot of her bed, getting in as close as possible as the nurse sheared off the layers of gauze and wrappings.

    The lady had dementia and so she didn’t pay much attention to the six girls decked out in urine yellow gowns crowding around her bedside, mindfully aware to keep out of the sterile field as best as possible.  If anyone so much as reached over the spread out gauze and packages, the whole field would have to be thrown away and the process of setting up and gowning up would have to be restarted.

    Layer upon layer, the purulent drainage shed away, revealing a hulking mass of swollen leg.  The skin was thin and breaking apart like paper ripped while wet, the color was the most sickly that yellow can turn.  Her leg was three times what it should have been and when pressed upon it failed to spring back up and instead took time to inflate with fluid.  Stage four pitting edema, yellow discoloration, epidermal breakdown, and severe discomfort all ran out like bullet points on a test, except now they had a face and a name and a smell.

    “Would you like one of our students to help hold her leg up?” My teacher asked in the sweetest voice.  My heart jumped up to say hi to my throat as the performing nurse considered it, “uh, sure” all I heard was a victory bell as I moved forwards wordlessly, not waiting to let someone else volunteer and take my spot.  I was going to hold that leg even if I had to take the Med School approach and throw my classmates under the MRSA filled bus to do it.

    “Good, just like that” he said, as I elevated it to a safe level.  I looked to see my professor giving me two thumbs up and was brimming with satisfaction.  My professor was also my advisor and held a special place in my heart after she pretended to be my mom for parents weekend was still signing emails with ‘mama Sinoski’ as her title.  It had been my duty ever since to be her absolute favorite, and in that moment I was absolutely sure that I was.

    Then my patient started wailing.  There's nothing to break a good high like the sound of an elderly woman on the brink of tears and only in touch with reality enough to know that you're causing her pain.  My eyes were wide with fright as I struggled to keep her leg elevated while she jerked it back.  Caught between MRSA and a pressure ulcer on the ankle, I only had a solid two inches or so where I could keep my hands, and any slip up or readjustment could result in skin breakdown or contamination.  But I held on, leaning at far too unsafe angles in order to keep the procedure afloat while the nurse strapped on the ABD pads as fast as he could.

    Finally, he wrapped the cling around and I was able to set it down while he tagged it.  My professor chose a girl at random to take my place for the second leg and so I was able to step back and gather myself.  I had done it, my first assistance on a nursing procedure was complete and no one had died or sued me.  

    By the time we rolled around to getting back to school it was a whirlwind of changing clothes, scarfing down food, nearly throwing up from eating too fast, and reading an entire chapter on the joys of the digestive and renal systems.  Pathophysiology was a short and sweet lecture on pain and the gut wrenching agony that the body can inflict on itself, and then in my lab directly after we learned how to palpate the liver and spleen.  I got a perfect score on the quiz all my friends failed so I got the impression it was a good sign for the afternoon.

    Finally, after having my liver massaged and my mettle tested, I rushed back to my room and stole the gayest clothes my roommate owned, then dashed out the door.  I was going to do this, I was going to be funny, I was going to be an active listener, I was going to fall in love and live a long life full of hiding from my parents and having someone to come home to that would talk to me about things that don't involve pus and squishy bits.  I refused to be the cool vodka aunt to my sister's cats any longer.

    I arrived at the agreed coffee dispensing location which required a bit of a drive, and as I was about to go in I received a text that she was in fact at her Mary Kay party because I had misread the times and all other manner of boring nonsense.  This should have been my sign to leave.  This should have been the one thing that clued me in that this was all about to go as far downhill as one can roll.

    See, this girl wasn't what I would consider to be my ‘type’, because while my type includes just being of legal age and able to breathe independently, this girl was antartic levels of polar opposite.  Which I thought might be a good thing, something to push me out of my comfort zone, a good dose of opposites attract, always being able to make conversation because of just how different we are!  Of all the lies I’ve told myself that was the dumbest.  Jo was a very beautiful girl attending Liberty university for business who happened to work as a waitress and also a Mary Kay sales predator.  This to me screamed closeted lesbian looking for a way out and knowing how to play the straight game really well.  I didn't think she would actually be into makeup.

    That comes later however, because I decide to go to this party thing where they make you pity buy products because they already put all this crap on you.  It was a simple enough drive until I got close.  I had assumed she would host it at her house or something and it would be a group of girls that all vaguely knew her and would make some kind of gossiping small talk.  

What I arrived at was a strip mall entirely blocked off by construction cones and a moat of loose torn up rocks.  It looked like someone had tried their best to quarantine the little chunk of strip mall off because it was connected to absolutely nothing, the only thing around it were houses, and while there were cars inside there was no way of entering or exiting.

I began to think that maybe I had been completely catfished and that some small army of human trafficking warlords were waiting for me inside, ready to kidnap me and laugh at how I fell for going to a Mary Kay party.  I don't know what made me more angry, the thought of being kidnapped or having people think I wanted to go to this thing.

As I'm contemplating whether I should just cut my losses and go back to school, I get a phone call from Jo.  She has this voice like pumpkin spice coffee and I see her out on the street looking around for me, and yeah, she's really pretty.  Pretty enough for me to make the wrong decision and park my car in an empty church and steel myself for whatever fresh hell this was goign to be.

She's happy to see me, I'm nervous up to my hypothalamus, but I follow her across this torn up sea of what used to be a road into the first door of the strip mall that was completely empty save two cars.  The interior is made of four black tables with white plastic chairs and a wall with posters of different levels of gems with pictures of girls beside them.  For some reason pearl is the highest, but right beneath it is diamond, and whose picture is right below it?  Jo.

Before I can even ask, a tall woman no older than twenty three pushes herself right into my bubble, shaking my hand and putting on the most rehearsed smile and greeting I've ever heard in my life.  She had the body of a Barbie but the confidence and domination in her eyes of Stalin.

“Hi!  I'm -insert short name that takes her four syllables to say and probably had a Q in it-, have you ever been pampered before?” One time I took the best bubble bath of my life and nearly drowned because I fell asleep, it seemed extremely relevant but not quite what she was asking.

“Uh, no”

“Well great!  Jo will take care of you and we'll get you set up!” And with that she swept herself away with the two girls who were equally pretty and just as terrified as I was.  They went to the back room and so it was just me and Jo and the biggest bag of makeup I had ever seen in my life.

It starts out pretty good.  She's nice and immediately warm to me, asking me about my day and blanching when I told her about the MRSA.  I thought that it would end up with her giving me a desperate smile and a few laughs like most people do when I tell them about my work, but she just sort of kept that shocked look on her face and I had to nervously laugh for her.

All the while she's doing the Mary Kay routine, and I almost wanted to tell her that she didn't have to because her boss(?) wasn't here and I wasn't going to buy anything anyways, but I feared not having something in common between us, even if it was just her teaching me how to rub small bits of “anti aging” minerals onto the back of my hand.  Know what really doesn't age?  A lobster.  That's the most fun fact ever and it's my favorite one to tell but she just keeps going on with the beauty products and I keep sitting on my lobster fact because if her MRSA reaction was anything to go by she'd probably think lobsters were gross.  They are not gross, they are immortal and we should respect them for it.

So we finally ended the beauty stuff where I rubbed different pink creams onto the back of my hand and pretended to be impressed with the results.

“Are you wearing any makeup?” And I'm a little self conscious now because I don't put on makeup usually since I can't see that great without my glasses and no one ever taught me how to do it, so it can be in the ballpark of ‘yeah that looks fine’ and ‘Oh yeah I can kinda see where you put uh, that… Line’.

“Yeah, a little bit”

“Here” she hands me a wet cloth, “Wipe it off” that's when I began to get the odd feeling in my chest that this could end up being very different from my delusional idea of how this night would go.  Since she's already put it in my hands, I wipe away everything on my face and see her set out an entirely new roll of different bottles and creams that's as long as the table.

I feel my heart sink through to my feet and know that this would not be easy.  Our conversation was dwindling and now she's only focused on the make up as she runs through words and instructions that go completely over my head.  Exfoliate this, moisture that, day serum, night serum, eye shadow cream, butter balm, I don't even try keeping up with what I was smearing onto my face.  By the end of it, I was sticky and felt like I was covered in sand.  My face was a complete mess as foundation that wasn't enough to cover all of it but enough to give me patches of caking color, my eyes kept gluing shut from the mascara and the eyeshadow that wasn't evenly distributed by a long shot, my lips a jagged mess of color.

I didn't know if I was more mad because I was bored out of my mind, or really uncomfortable with looking that I had just been punched by a wet puppet.  That's when the business boss lady decided to come back out and take one look at me before gasping with wonder and going,

“You look so good!” all I could do was stare up at her with honest confusion.

“What?” She stared back, silent for the first time like I had just swiped my card wrong and the machine couldn't read it, “Oh I mean, thanks” and with that she was operational and sitting down at our table with the sugary cocaine level of energy and enthusiasm.

“So now that you're done, we’re going to play a little game” if I heard the doors suddenly lock I wouldn't have even been surprised, “I'm going to play a song, and you're going to try and think of eleven names and numbers of people who would want Jo to give them a demo makeover before its over, and if you can do that you get a prize!” Selling out my family and friends in order to get material goods, nothing wrong with that.  She gives me this card and starts the music.

I know that this song would end up being like, five minutes long, and at this point I was ready to get this done and see if Jo wanted to get a slice of pie or walk around the church parking lot, so I did what any self respecting person would do and found the eleven people least likely to stop talking to me after they got harassed by Mary Kay.  My mom for starters, then my roommate, an unofficial patient, a dude I slept with freshman year before he moved to California, a guy I know in Canada, and then the last however many people in my phone contact list.

Things began to roll a little bit faster downhill from there.  This chick sits back down and gives me my free little bottle of chemical lotion junk, then decides she's not just going to try and sell me things, she's going to sell me ideas.  She starts preaching about the ideology of the company and how just how great it is, Jo is nodding along the whole way though out of the corner of my eye.

“It's just so great and gives you so much opportunity.  I mean your life should really be in order Jesus, Family, and Mary Kay” had anyone else told this to me I would have thought they were shitty actors, but deep inside her flawless face I knew that she believed every word of this.  This woman was southern ideals wrapped up in the prettiest packaging money could buy.

“Okay, we're going to play another game now” I felt a lump in my throat as I realized there was no way out of this, I would be seventy before they gave me my life back.  “On this piece of paper I want you to write MRS CAB.  Good!  Now right below the M I want you to write money” it was a fucking acronym, acronyms are not game!  She started preaching hard about the ethics of business and how “Mary Kay set up her business so that it would benefit everyone and help empower women!” If being part of a pseudo pyramid scheme is empowering women I don't want to know what her version of oppression looked like.

She finishes up the acronym finally and I look to Jo for support in this trying time.  She's still facing forwards, clearly engaged in this nonsense.  That's when the woman gets the hint that perhaps we aren't complete strangers.

“How did you two meet?  Do you know each other?” This woman chirped out like a canary that just did its second line of coke.

“This is actually our first time meeting” Jo starts, “We met on Tinder” my eyes popped out of my school and as did the lady's, both of us staring in horror at Jo and her brazen announcement.  I began nervously chuckling, hiding my face inside of my hands even though it was extremely obvious and only drew further attention to myself.  “Do you know what Tinder is?” She asked as innocently as a baby duckling.

“Uhhhh” the look on her face said brimstone but her smile refused to dip by even a percent of an angle.

“It's a good way to meet people in your area, some people use it for hookups and stuff but plenty of people use it for making friends.  One of my friends randomly put it on my phone and I've met up with dozens of girls” suddenly in my mind's eye an epiphany exploded, I could see girl after girl getting swept up in her urgency to meet up and invitation to do other activities that don't work out, all to get wrapped up into a Mary Kay party where they discover that nothing was as it seemed.

“Oh, okay” her voice had shrunk a few octaves and annoyance levels but she shook it off and began on again, “Alright Mandy, so for this next part I want you to write on a scale of one to ten how likely it is that you'll end up working as a Mary Kay sales associate” I was still mentally thrown by the realization that this definitely was not a date and everything was suddenly making way more sense than I wanted it to.

“Uh, probably a three I guess” I muttered, wanting to leave so badly it hurt.  Her eyes glared down at me like it was a threat to strangle me in the parking lot,

“Write it down, Mandy” fearfully I put pen to paper, feeling guilty as sin for disappointing this woman I barely knew and wholeheartedly hated.  “Good” she had me do a bit more writing and then gave me one final speech before she shook my sweating hand and started towards the back.

“Wow, I thought she was going to burst when I said I met you on Tinder!” Jo started, looking absolutely amazed.

“Ha, yeah, that was something”

“Like, I don't see what the big deal is, I meet up with people all the time from there”

“This is actually my first time meeting up with anyone from there” except almost Andrew who stood me up, and that grad student that made me crab cakes to sleep with him, and now this.  I started shoving my things into my bag, making the clear physical announcement that this engagement was over.

“Really?  You don't ever use it for dating?” I began shoveling faster, shaking my head with a painfully large smile while laughing in a continuous stream to take up the silence.

“Ah, well, it's… Yeah” she was confused enough by my answer that I had enough time to stand up and kick my chair in.  “Well it's been really fun, thanks for inviting me, I should probably be getting back now”   

“Here, I'll drive you back to your car” I was about to protest but then I figured getting murdered in a church parking lot would totally be something that would happen today so I followed her outside where her big van was parked next to the sparkly off white Mary Kay car.  I've never hated a single car so much for everything it represented.  Rather uneventfully, I bid her goodbye, made up my mind to never talk to her again, got in my car and went back to school.

There’s a Twenty One Pilots song about a car radio being missing and the horrors of being left to your own thoughts while driving, and while I hate that song, it was ironically the only thing on the radio that I could listen to that would distract me from my thoughts.  It's just that after leaving North Carolina two years ago and giving up the only world I had ever known to try my hand at being me, I had nothing but a growing series of regretful pseudo-romantic encounters.  I hid from my parents, broke up with my boyfriend, and left my culture all for the magical daydream that three hours away would be a fantastic life just waiting to be embraced.  I couldn't even blame Jo because she was trying to do her job and meet new friends/victims, I just wanted to believe there was more to it.  I had set myself up to fail from the beginning, too scared to go to a big school in a big city where I'd be forgotten in a heartbeat so I convinced myself that a tiny liberal arts school with a nursing program would somehow be a magnet for everything I could ever want.

So did I end the day curled up in my friends bed while she fed me Almond Joys while pretending I hadn't started crying when I told her what happened?  Probably.  But through it I had learned a very important lesson, that nothing good has ever come from Tinder, and that Liberty still definitely sucks.  Also what the hell is butter balm?

[janiklandre-blog]

Saturday, March 11, 2017

Library in Northampton, Massachusetts  on Saturday morning, 12 degrees outside - 11:30 a.m. I am stewing in New England juices - on my first morning in Amherst, Mass. I left my son's house at 6:45 a.m. - and decided to check out the PVTA - stand for mostly free public transportation between the five college - making stops at shopping malls - and the 30 running near my son's house is at many times running at 15 minutes intervals - I was there at at ten to six, stopped a young man to help me decipheer the completely impossible schedule, he said in 10 minutes one should be here - drizzlty rain - I'm standing there, cane in hand , car after car, after car zooms past me, 15 minutes later, no bus - when I was driving in those parts I often pulled up at a bus station because in the summer these buses often run at 30 minute intervals and more - also next two weeks when all five universities will be on spring break.

In Sag Harbor when I was walking up a hill, several times people going in the opposite direction would turn around and come and ask me if I needed a ride. Here I stood for half an hour - luckily I've come to learn from the Chinese, never stand still - NEVER SIT - exercise, exercise, exercise - I have come to decide, New Englanders are extremely efficient - of course one reason the hospital is understaffed, the place where I had coffee this morning is understaffed - they never did hire here undocumented help, that serves me in NYC (soon I'll have to say served) - and yes, New England does have long winters and a harsh climate - but I encounter many harsh people here - proud to be working day and night - in New Hampshire many voted for Trump - get rid of all foreigners, put the rest into private jails, so the good people - also according to the Calvinist religion - the virtuous who work day and night God rewards with material goods -and so they proudly work, work, work - and find an old European woman who lives in New York and early made it her goal to live well on a shoe string but has avoided back breaking and often - harsh work conditions - and gladly think of her to be a bum. My theme song: hallelujah, I'm a bum again.

I also have come to realize that when I've gone to cemeteries here I have seen names of people who run the banks, the industry, a lot of government - alas a good number of German origin, the cruel country I fled - the Rockefellers, who established severe punishment and led to the overcrowding of jails - where people suffer and cost - in the last  analysis, isn't it our taxes - the taxes paid by the poor - who pay these private jails? So many able bodied, intelligent, good people who could staff the hospitals, serve in restaurants - and yes - give the old like me the support I so much need. Trump is of German background. He offers to do away with the Elite - and replaces them with white haired military men.

Much pondering is done in the NYT regarding to where we are goiing - the sharply rising anti semitism - by well paid journalists.

So - my time here - I do meet with tender love from my sons, it is there - but also with - they have a hard time dealing with an odd, weird, old woman - whose body is old, her gait - forget word - wobbly - she is thin skinned , she admits to anger - yet most often is accused of jealousy - in German Eifersucht - a very graphic word for a truly nasty trait, to which no one will admit. I do react - too strongly - inappropriately is a favorite term - to what I feel are slights - and I also do remember, as long as Paco was my companion - until 1988, when I was 56 years old - my sons only allowed me to visit as long as Paco came with me. My mother made me extremely aware of the suffering of an old woman alone - as revenge that I was not willing to be a companion to her - she killed herself days vefore she turned 80 and sadly upended our lives.

We all need a companion - cum pane is with bread, a person to break bread with - a person with whom we can share our daily stories - as my daughter in law did this morning, upstairs, with her husband, my son, while I sat downstairs alone, only hearing her voice and then she rushed pAst me, off to union organizing. The day bvefore she had worked from 11 a.m. until midnight. My son said why didn't you come upstairs and ask us to come down - I knew that would not be welcome.

Old women alone - many prone to low moods, melancholia as I call it - not eating right, not sleeping right - losing interest in life, interest in them is lost  - I hard at work at this here computer trying to keep a little interest in me alive - harshly criticized by many for doing this - unbecoming, unattractive, self centered - C.B. told me long ago, thojughts are to be entered into a private journal - as she does - not aired in public.

People now write essays and books about the ills of the computer age - the ability it gives to those of us who have - as I have - struggled (with the great help of Ken) - to get at least a toe into the computer age and now with Molly's assistance reaching a wider public - and not even so sure whether what I am doing is right, is nice, am I not hurting people - hurting myself?

A few other "oldies" write about getting old - but most had found ways to become respected authors - they have editors, they know that they are doing, they get paid for their efforts, they are professionals - who always have looked down, scorned - the amateur (amare love in Latin, doing things for love, not moeny) - dilettante - related to delight - yes, their writing is polished, well edited, crafted - and I read their books that are publisghed by respected publishers, get them in my library, read them when my spirits are down and I am glad to escape into their world - a world of worldly success that has eluded me - and they do have companions, they are loved, they are cherished and no one ever has accjused them of jealousy - - people are jealous of them! They give highly paid talks, own beajutiful houses and mostly describe how well they have mastered life - own a beautiful house where family comes to surround them, friends come to surround them, they are admired - and often have servants - who adore them - and make their life and the lives of those around the, pleasant.

My mother from my point of view made - a cruel! - mistake by the way she treated my sweet and gentle father - who did not share her skill and ability to make moeny. He was a loving companion to her - he had suffered in many ways more as a German under Hitler - psychologically - then my mother who had declared herself in 1933 Jewish - a questionaire offerring Protestant, Catholic, Jewish - she crossed off Jewish, her father was Jewish and her birth in 1902 were entered, there were only religious entries, into a Jewish register. She longed to be a Catholic - I wish she had acted on it. I wish she had been merciful with my father - when he was diagnozed with Parkinson's she called him a hypochondriac. By then she had a lovely apartment, was making good money - working VERY hard - he had a rented room, was evicted because there now was enough housing in Munich to allow people to be evicted - he then made a suicide attempt - she said, even that he cannot get together and later demonstrated how it is to be done, with the assistance of a German friend.

I had left in 1951 for America - fled - my father left a couple of days after I left, only much later did I realize how much he had loved me and stayed to protect me from a mother heavily damaged by the destruction of her great ambitions after 1933 - seethiing with anger, taking it out on him and on me, her only child - she had planned on five - having been an only child herself.

At one time a sociology professor, Wlodzimierz Nahirny, suggested a dissertation - perhaps a book to me - The backgrounds of successful writers - they are very different from my background - mostly what e call high bourgeoisie - the gift of the child is discovered and encouraged early - my gift was scorned by my mother - there is real work to be done, we need potatoes - that was after 1945 in Germany - go out ansd get potatoes and stop writing letters - in Czech - to your beloved friend whom you had to leave behind in Prague. All you do in these letters is complain about me. My friend handed me those letters neatly bundled on a visit to Prague - 1987 - I put off reading them and in 2000 they burned.

Well, I should go to all my unanswered email - but - this here blog has become my companion to talk to - some day I may write about my search for companionship after 1988 - a good deal of pain - and I've often said, if I had the money, I would happily pay a companion.

Being poor, old, wobbly on my legs - there is not much I have to offer any more - occasionally there is a kindred soul - usually soon leaves New York, a city now only for millionaires - for the virtuous - for my mother the most important quality was to be "tuechtig" - related to virtuous. My father lacked the virtue and I have also - money never really interested me - I never looked to a job in finance - I lacked that virtue. I also have gravelly sinned in the care of my body - after 50 I began putting on weight - Kummerspeck I call it - Kummer is sorrow, too much sorrow in my life, looking to sweet food. not enough exercise, not enough healthy food - also - the run in with melanoma - my once upon a time nurse friend, Christine Fiedler, she dropped me when I became useless - she freely diagnosed me mentally troubled, chided me for refusing pills to make me into a nice and quiet old woman, perhaps a zombie - she did not share with me her suspicion of melanoma when she first noticed the mole on my leg - it was oozing when I half a year later saw a doctor and got a stage number 4 cancer diagonosis - almost a death sentence - this was 1981 - when I wrote my first unpublished memoir (I've written thousands and thousands of unpublished pages, many burned in 2000) - I lived for 25 years without any kind of insurance, a surgeaon I had tutored in German, a plastic surgeon did what is called a wider excision - luckily unnecessary - still I lost some muscle in my leg that now is cramping and altogether in worse shape than the other, the left leg.

I am convinced the one pill I take, for 7 years now, a beta blocker to keep my blood pressure under control - a German doctor friend, Ursula, a high school classmate - urgently recommended it - I believe it has cost me my teeth (acidified saliva my dentist said) and now I still have a bridge that keeps falling out, right this minute   and once again the time on this here computer is running out and I will  once again - send without reading what I have written  - adios Marianne .