#it's absolutely disgusting how close together these are in time but i cant stress enough how many tweets i have made about akechi since 2017

[corviiids]

(persona 5 / persona 5 royal spoilers below)

a random assortment of tweets that show up when i search "from:corviiid akechi"

bonus self awareness

[okietokiee]

Fic: Hjönk, Hjönk

Pairing: Skwisgaar Skwigelf/Toki Wartooth

Rating: M

I was really inspired by @picklespunchedme @bittebecca @sonderrbeee ‘s various fan art of clown!Skwisgaar 😳 thanks so much for letting me write a fic based on your gorgeous art!! 💕 

Summary: 

Skwisgaar makes some especially harsh remarks which cause Toki to start avoiding him, and the lack of contact is really starting to make the Swede’s sex drive go absolutely haywire. 

Fortunately, Skwisgaar comes up with a genius (albeit horrifyingly embarrassing) plan to make it up to his hot-tempered boyfriend lover. 

And Toki positively loves it. Perhaps a little too much. 

——————

Skwisgaar knew he had fucked up. 

After countless years of brutally harsh, biting criticisms and demeaning insults, Toki had finally had it. Normally he was able to take Skwisgaar’s comments, admittedly not always in a stride, but with minimal bloodshed (most of the time). And he wasn’t even completely sure what was different about today, about the disparaging remarks he’d grown used to throwing out daily. 

Maybe it was the stress of having to record a whole knew album from scratch? The stress of the rising tensions becoming so goddamn obvious lately? He knows he’s not the smartest person around, but you’d have to be blind to not see the cracks forming in their band’s already fragile dynamics. He knows it’s not just affecting Nathan and Pickles.

But whatever the underlying causes were, all it took was an offhand, “That’s was fuckins dildos, dos it agains idiots,” during a slow-moving rehearsal to get Toki raging like a spoiled five-year-old kid told that no, he could not have candy for dinner. 

After screeching and using his flying-V to destroy a fair amount of their studio and sound equipment, Toki had tired himself out and retired to his bedroom. 

He’d also taken to avoiding him for the past week. And maybe the Skwisgaar from a few years ago wouldn’t have (outwardly) cared so much, but ever since they’d shared an earth-shattering, momentous night together just months before, they’d both been inhabiting the same bed for a majority of nights. 

And, though Skwisgaar would rather die a painful death by firing squad than admit it to anyone, Toki had been the only person he’d been sleeping with ever since that night. He loathed to label it as anything serious, but that didn’t change the fact that he was painfully reluctant to break this surprising streak of faithfulness, his longest one yet. 

However, regardless of how much he didn’t want to sleep with anyone that wasn’t a dopey Norwegian guitar player with a penchant for tantrums and hissy fits, that didn’t change the fact that his sex drive was going fucking haywire. 

Storming into the Mordhaus living room, he irritably asked, “Has anyones seens our dildos rhythm guitarist?”

“Eh, I think he went out drinkin’ with thet clown again,” a stoned out Pickles mumbled from the couch. 

“Whats!? I thoughts we puts a restrainings orders on dat creep!”

Nathan sighed from a nearby desk, putting down his book. “Yeah, we did. But you know that kid. He just loves those fucking clowns.”

That unfortunate string of words made an idea pop up in Skwisgaar’s head. 

“…coulds you repeats dat?”

“I said he loves those goddamn clowns.”

“Nos, de odder words!”

Nathan glared, confused. “Those fucking clowns?” 

Skwisgaar grinned manically. “Ja! Dat weirdos loves fucking clowns!”

Pickles could be heard potentially dying of laughter a few feet away. 

Nathan narrowed his eyes, a disgusted grimace on his mouth. “I know you suck at English Skwisgaar, but ugh. That’s some brutal imagery.” 

Skwisgaar, ever the trooper, did not let the revolting thoughts affect him, as his plan was coming to fruition in his mind. Yes, Toki was annoyingly fond of childish gimmicks, clowns included. Toki could never even stay mad at Dr. Rockso, an old drugged-up, strung-out rock-and-roll clown, no matter what shit that creepy asshole put him through.

Yes, he knew what he had to do. He didn’t like it one bit, and it could potentially ruin his reputation completely if word ever got out that he even considered this.

But… 

Skwisgaar bit his lip, his thoughts suddenly full of brown whiskers and childish giggles. 

It would be worth it.

——————

Hours later, Skwisgaar was regretting every single choice he’d ever made in life that had led up to this point. He felt like a fool and looked like one too.

His only solace was that the random klokateer he’d ordered to find him this costume was no longer capable of ever blabbing his secret to anyone, at least in any way that involved a functional mouth. Or hands. 

And now he found himself pacing around Toki’s small room, waiting for the little dildo to get back home. The sound of his baggy blue and yellow pants swishing and the stomping of his large red shoes did nothing to alleviate his growing anxiety. 

Skwisgaar scratched at his neck, careful not to smudge any of the meticulously applied clown make-up he’d taken an hour to perfect. He was vaguely grateful that his experience with corpse paint made this endeavor slightly easier, but also horrified at exactly how naturally circus make-up came to him. 

As he was pondering his deteriorating mental state, he heard the door creak open and a surprised, ear-shattering, absolutely delighted squeal. 

Toki crashed face-first into his chest, holding tighter than a newborn koala to its mother. 

“Oh Odin! Yous a real cool clowns Skwisgaar!” Toki gleefully said, nuzzling the red ruffles around his neck. 

Skwisgaar was glad his red cheeks were camouflaged by the blindingly white paint. 

“Eugh… Ja, I guess I ams,” the Swede nonchalantly agreed, not meeting his lover’s eyes. 

Toki paused from his snuggling, and gazed adoringly up at Skwisgaar’s embarrassed face. 

“Skwisgaar… Dids you do dis because you know Tokis been mads at yous?”

Skwisgaar coughed awkwardly and avoided his gaze. “Maybes if a dumb dildos hadn’t beens avoidins me for sos long, it woulds not haves come to dis…”

Toki smirked. “Yous just proving Toki needs to do dat more often.” 

“Fucks you-!”

“Okej,” Toki cut him off with a contented sigh, cuddling into Skwisgaar’s colorful, silky costume even more.

This was the closest they’d been in a week, and Skwisgaar’s body was responding rather excitedly to their close proximity. 

Toki giggled, feeling the growing hardness coming from Skwisgaar’s loose trousers, and he pulled the Swede over to the bed and pushed him down, crawling right on top of him and going in for a deep, fervent kiss. With the right angle, Toki was able to avoid dislodging the bright red clown nose on his lover’s face. 

With a few well-practiced maneuvers Skwisgaar was able to bring Toki down to only his underwear, but when he made movements to remove his own ridiculous clothes he was stopped by a firm hold. 

“Nos, keeps it on.” Toki’s flushed, erotic expression was very convincing. 

“Ja, fines…” Skwisgaar groaned, canting his hips up, desperate for any kind of friction. 

Toki smiled, reaching for the lube that has been ever-present at his bedside table for the past few months. He took a moment to take in Skwisgaar’s smudged clown make-up and gorgeous, smoldering expression. The juxtaposition was disorienting. 

“Skwisgaar…?” 

“Ja Tokis?” 

“Do yous maybe… I knows we havent’s dones it likes dis yet, but,” Toki mumbled, his face red and expression coquettish, “I think I wants to tries to take it.”

Skwisgaar was at a loss for words, his mind (and body) already overheating. So far Toki had been the only one topping, citing his lack of experience with men and dislike of being dominated as his main reasons for wanting to avoid switching positions. And Skwisgaar hardly cared, always being very satisfied by Toki’s eager enthusiasm.

But the thought of finally being able to become so wholly one with Toki had Skwisgaar’s head spinning and heart racing. 

“Of course älskling, as long as yous ready,” Skwisgaar said, rubbing circles on Toki’s naked hips. 

Toki’s eager nodding was answer enough and then he wiggled out of his underwear. 

Skwisgaar leaned forward to get a hold of the lube, but Toki pushed him back down. 

“Yous just watch for nows,” Toki murmured with a sweet smile, opening the lube to prepare himself. 

Skwisgaar couldn’t handle watching a mewling, trembling Toki Wartooth preparing himself for long without feeling like he was going to literally explode into a cloud of confetti. The Swede pushed his own baggy pants down, not fully taking it off but exposing his painfully erect manhood. He moaned, giving himself a few strokes as he continued watching his lover teasing him. 

Finally, after what felt like eternity, Toki stopped and got another generous dollop of lube for Skwisgaar Jr. before lining himself up on the Swede’s lap. 

Skwisgaar watched enraptured as Toki slowly lowered himself down with a seductive whine and several sensuous movements of his hips. 

“Ah, fuckins hell Toki,” Skwisgaar cried, thrusting up desperately. 

Toki reciprocated in kind with more moans and wet, raunchy kisses, ruining a good portion of Skwisgaar’s make-up. 

As it was getting especially intense, their movements both in sync and frantic, Toki leaned down and did something incredibly peculiar and, honestly, kind of hot, at least to Skwisgaar’s current fucked-out-of-his-mind state. 

“Hjönk, hjönk,” Toki murmured with a smile as he squeezed the large, squeaky clown nose on Skwisgaar’s face with something akin to reverence. All without once pausing his fast, unmerciful pace. 

Skwisgaar was too goddamn horny and in love to question this, and he just responded by increasing his thrusts as well as his volume. 

“Ah, for the loves of Odins, Toki I’ms gonna-” he punctuated with a shout, feeling Toki tighten around him. 

After a long moment of blissful euphoria for both of them, Toki collapsed on top of him, breathing heavily and sneaking a few affectionate kisses along his neck. 

“So ams guessings you not mads anymore?” Skwisgaar snickered, running his fingers through Toki’s now tangled, sexily-ruffled hair. 

Toki giggled and playfully gave Skwisgaar’s big red nose, which surprisingly hadn’t fallen off at all during their vigorous lovemaking, a few more squeezes, filling the small room with obnoxiously loud honking noises. 

“Nah, buts if you does something like dis every time I gets mad at yous then I gonnas make sure to be angry evens more oftens.” Toki chuckled, snuggling up to Skwisgaar’s now cum and sweat stained clown costume. 

Skwisgaar sighed, equal parts hopelessly exasperated and desperately fond. 

“Wells enjoys it while yous cans you dildo, dis ams not likelys to ever, ever happens again,” Skwisgaar said firmly. 

Toki grinned mischievously and lifted himself up.

“I thinks Toki cans change yous mind abouts dat,” he declared proudly, slipping out of bed to walk over to his nearby work desk. He leaned over it enticingly, ass up, giving Skwisgaar the most pornographic come-hither look the Swede had ever seen. 

“Comes over heres and let’s me convince yous,” Toki murmured suggestively, giving his cute butt a little shake. 

And that night was the first of many that the halls of Mordhaus were filled with the echos of passionate Scandinavian honking and lovemaking. 

——————

I don’t think Hjönk actually translates to anything but god I love that word LOL 

Also, sorry for any weird mistakes I didn’t catch! I’ll edit it and maybe add some extra stuff soon and then post it on ao3 :D

[dearatz-archive]

please write about how ateez would be as drunks and you having to take care of them!!!

SEONGHWA

not really one to need looking after; what i like to call a “high functioning drunk”

lightweight but aware of it; takes his time when he drinks

a very go with the flow type until messes start being made

likes to sit on the sidelines and watch the others have a good time; he gets enjoyment out of watching them enjoy themselves

laughs at the antics and jokes 99 line makes and only steps in to scold when it seems like hongjoong is going to burst a blood vessel

always the one to suggest a drinking night and is always the one that gets stressed about the mess made during

scolds mingi and san for constantly spilling their drinks

will ask you for help reigning the others in when its time to wind down

begs you to help him clean up after the others have called it a night

becomes very flirty when you’re alone and will probably teasingly brush his fingers along your arms or backside as he passes by

gives you soft kisses on the cheek and forehead and thanks you for having the patience he doesn’t

softly sings to you while you both clean

wants to cuddle you on the couch when you’re both finished

fucks you on it and tells you to be completely silent so you don’t wake the others

HONGJOONG

mercurial drunk

will switch from smiley and happy to irritable and angry in half a second

wants to fight everyone 

knew this was a bad idea from the start but likes the excuse to drink and let loose for a bit

gets annoyed at the chaos and causes more chaos trying to quiet said chaos

likes to use the advantage of his age and make the younger ones get him more drinks

THE biggest lightweight; drinks way too fast and gets drunk before everyone else not even 45 minutes in

you spend a lot of the night laughing at him along with everyone else when he gets mad and then reigning him back in when the teasing gets too under his skin

tends to forget to eat to line his stomach when he drinks; please remind him

loudly whines to you about how no one respects his authority

wants you to tell him he holds all the power

and pointedly give jongho a look when he whispers that he doesn’t

curses 50x more with alcohol in his system

curses when he loses the drunk games you all play

even though he loses every time

wants to fight everyone x2

passes out before the night is even over and has to be dragged to bed with help from the other members (usually seonghwa)

YUNHO

holds his liquor moderately well but doesn’t drink as much as the others, since he doesn’t necessarily HAVE to be drunk to enjoy drinking with them

LOUD; alcohol makes him forget volume control and he often starts yelling his words without meaning to until someone shushes him

giggly; everything becomes 50x funnier to yunho when he drinks and half the time no one else really thinks it’s funny but laugh at him because he won’t stop laughing

sentimental drunk and will tell everyone how happy he is that they’re all together and hanging out like this and how much he appreciates every single person there

gets bold with alcohol in his system and will make suggestive faces and eye contact at you across the room until he realizes yeosang has been watching the whole time

then he gets embarrassed and is quiet for at least 10 minutes

surprisingly agile; rarely spills or drops anything and is often catching other people’s food/cups if they topple off the table

always wants to play games when he’s drunk and thinks it will be even more fun while everyone else is drunk

he’s right.

until he loses. then it’s no longer fun for anyone because he becomes a sore loser and that’s intensified by alcohol

you’ll have to take him aside and distract him to cheer him up or he’s gonna sulk the rest of the night

usually ends with the others continuing to play without you while you two cuddle and smooch in the corner and are so sickeningly cute the other members gag

YEOSANG

what i like to call the “what if oxygen is poisonous and that’s what’s actually slowly killing us” or philosophical drunk

always asks the weirdest ass deep questions that no one is sober enough to think about

quietly sips his drink and watches the chaos until there’s a lull in the noise and then asks another weirdly deep question that doesn’t make sense until you overthink it

often gets made fun of and then told to shut up, but it never ruins his mood; he thinks its hilarious

another lightweight, but also takes his drinks in moderation

always tries to stuff himself with sweets until you tell him its going to make him sick; still tries to eat them anyway, so you’ll have to confiscate them.

makes cheesy puns and jokes and then laughs at them himself

promptly gets made fun of again for laughing at his own jokes, but he continues to laugh, aided by yunho.

they both get told to shut up.

but every now and then one of them is funny

and then everyone is laughing until seonghwa or hongjoong finally shushes them

is the one that usually beats yunho in the video games and causes him to sulk.

is very pleased with himself and wants you to be too

sneaks into the kitchen after seonghwa cleans to swipe snacks for both of you; you stay up for another hour eating them and talking about the universe

SAN

dear GOD he gets even louder, if that’s possible

will yell stupid things over all the noise just to hear the sound of his voice until wooyoung joins in

they both get hit by hongjoong

the cause of 75% of the laughter in the room

makes the weirdest jokes and impressions whether they fit into the conversation or not, and everyone dies laughing

another giggly and playful drunk

often gets too excited and knocks over drinks; sometimes they’re his but usually it’s someone else’s

touchy drunk. his hands are all over you, his arms are wrapped around you, his cherry vodka flavored lips are all over your face and he’s loudly telling you how much he loves you and you giggle and laugh for him

playfully teases you under the table but isnt at all as subtle as he thinks he is and everyone sees it

the others say you’re both gross and that the two of you need to get a room

san tries to make jokes about you going to his and yunho’s room to finish but is vehemently shut down by seonghwa

randomly becomes emotional in the middle of the night and starts telling everyone how much he loves them while on the verge of tears

which is usually when its unanimously decided that he’s had enough to drink for the night

he sulks for a bit and then is back to his usual antics not five minutes later

the night absolutely ends with the two of you messing around in the darkness of his room, both of you covering each other’s mouths so you don’t wake yunho

but yunho is always awake and aware of what’s going on

MINGI

real fuckin goofy ass drunk

nothing that comes out of his mouth makes sense and everyone laughs at him always

randomly starts rap battles with hongjoong and ends up losing because he starts laughing halfway through and cant finish

another accident-prone drunk; usually spills his drink while it’s in his hand because he’s laughing too hard or gets too excited

the worst potty mouth when he’s drunk; drops something? “fuck.” he doesn’t understand something that’s going on? “what the fuck???” he realizes he’s had way to much to drink? “shit i think i’ma fuckin’ throw up shitshitshitshit”

he usually doesn’t. 

but sometimes he does.

not a lightweight but sometimes overestimates how much liquor he can hold and ends up drinking way too much

you’ll have to stick close to him to make sure he doesn’t break anything

skittish; will see things move in the corner of his eye and will assume it’s a bug or some other sort of unsavory creature and scream and jump out of his seat

its funny the first few times and then he starts getting very annoyed looks from the elder members + jongho

you figure its time to take him away before his ass gets beat

you lay on his bed in the dark and listen to him rap to you until he’s finally tired enough to fall asleep.

you think he’s cute.

WOOYOUNG

holds his liquor well and takes full advantage of it

probably has the most drinks of all of them next to mingi

extremely playful drunk

starts playing around with san and usually ends up yelling along with him until hongjoong or seonghwa steps in

sings into empty bottles as if they’re microphones and serenades everyone until san starts up a duet from across the table until everyone is dying with laughter

always the one to get misty-eyed when yunho and san get sentimental though he swears up and down he’s not crying

gets up and dances to whatever music happens to be playing in the background

rarely in his seat ever, really

keeps getting new cups and drinks because he sits his down and doesn’t remember where he put it because he’s never still

makes cute faces at you from across the room to make you laugh

the others thinks he’s disgusting

starts sexy dancing for you out of nowhere while maintaining eye contact across the room

the members thinks he’s even more disgusting; jongho throws whatever is in his reach at him

seonghwa makes him gather up all of his misplaced cups at the end of the night and you both sit on the kitchen floor and drink the contents of all of them

you both end up making out on the floor

seonghwa pretends not to notice but doesn’t dare step foot back into the kitchen

JONGHO

lightweight that doesn’t believe he’s a lightweight

always confident and believes he’s holding his liquor well and continues to drink until it all hits him at once

and then he’s fucked

but he’s fun

like yunho, everything becomes so much funnier to him when he’s drunk

but when he laughs he’s usually hitting/pushing the person next to him

strength control is non-existent when jongho is drunk, so whoever it is often gets sent flying

sings into his cups while he drinks

loves to push all the older member’s buttons while they’re drunk

“whispers” things about the members to you that everyone in the room hears

he thinks its funny and truly believes they won’t remember it when they wake up

which isn’t completely untrue, but yeosang and seonghwa always remember

you cut him off on drinks there before he starts getting too bold; you can only save him from so much

challenges everyone to arm wrestling matches that no one but you and san take him up on

he lets you win

he mercilessly destroys san

the second one that’s always beating everyone at games

disappears to the kitchen part way through the night and it isn’t discovered until the night is over that he’s split all the fruits in the kitchen

seonghwa is not happy

he makes him replace them in the morning

[celestialholz]

‘A Non-Linear Perspective’, aka ya girl’s latest Qcard drabble

My new friend @tolstoyevskywrites requested a little thing last week, which I haven’t gotten round to quite yet (my baaaad), which runs a little like so:

Can I have a drabble where someone else in the crew finds out that Q and Picard are together? It can be Riker, Troi, Data, whoever you want xD

... Well, we all know I can’t answer a prompt like a normal human being at this point, right? Welcome to the madhouse, Tol - make yourself an Earl Grey, chuck, and strap in, won’t you? Because this is absolutely fucking ridiculous and I’m slightly in love with it. xD

It’s blissfully quiet, aboard this curious vessel she calls home.

It’s blissfully quiet, aboard this curious vessel she calls home. Radio silence broadcasts smoothly across the airwaves, delightfully absent of the orchestrated panic of its chief engineer; no one appears to be streaking through the outer corridors, their pointless existences in jeopardy; it’s perfectly still, not even the most microscopic of shudders trembling through the mainframe (that damned hum that her acquaintances seem so ignorant of persists, but she’s long since gotten used to that – it’s no barrier to a restful slumber). Even if her favoured person returns (time means nothing, ultimately – how long has he been gone? She doubts it’s quite long enough, in any case), he will be respectful of her weariness – after all, it’s incredibly difficult work doing so little, and there’s a reason why she so kindly tolerates him.

No, this is a rare experience indeed, and one she fully intends to appreciate. She stretches, lithe form extending itself completely for a moment, before she circles and settles, quite contentedly, atop the fleecy blanket of the bed. Its scent is mildly synthetic, accompanied by the faintest whiff of whatever was on that garish portrait across the bedroom. She closes her eyes rather deliberately against its offensiveness – honestly, all that effort for something so meaningless. Did it offer food? Entertainment? Strokes? Even the one depicted in it had seemed reluctant to praise its virtues.

She tucks into herself, drifting steadily off, the absolute tranquillity and joyful warmth permeating her completely. Perhaps she’ll dream of forests, or of crawling through Jeffries tubes, an exploratory mission of epic proportions; there’ll be mice in there somewhere, she just knows it –

Her eyes wrench open seconds before the oblivion she so craves, an obnoxious, echo-y sort of sound alerting her sensitive ears to something that appears to have been accompanied by an equally excessive flash –

She’s almost retroactively aware that she’s no longer cocooned by cosiness, and she levels her most malevolent glare and harshest snarl at the intruders as she recovers from being shoved so callously aside – how dare they, the human scum –

They’re desperately attached, mostly without clothing, scents permeating the perfectly pleasant air with biological pollution – supplement forty-six, how she hates them both! One of them wrenches back from the other, and she blinks curiously through a burning abhorrence – she knows that one. Her favourite respects him greatly – he’s important, somehow, though perfectly ordinary in appearance and aroma.

She’ll be damned to a hell of boisterous Dalmatians before she’ll defer to him, the utter bastard.

“Q!” He demands hotly. “Where the hell are we?!”

The other is significantly less tolerant of the distraction, apparently; she empathises entirely, although… she’s never seen him, but his scent – he’s not of this ship. She isn’t sure he’s of this galaxy; he smells not of confined conduits, or stress, or anything that she’s ever smelled upon another living soul. She understands these things, far better than the limited humanoids she occupies a space with, and it leads her to only one conclusion.

This is his fault. She fixes into a battle stance, glad of an official focus for her towering rage – she’s one against two, but one with one hell of a set of claws.

“Does it damned well matter, Jean-Luc? I’m slightly preoccupied – I’m sure you can empathise!” Her offender replies urgently, attempting to re-engage his companion – by the kingdom of rodents, this is more intolerable than her favourite and that other one! At least they feed her!

She flatly refuses to be ignored – grace befitting her position of superiority, she jumps back upon her rightful throne, claws itching to be extended into the neck of her usurper, glare toxic. The respected one turns to glance at her, and she releases a warning hiss for his troubles.

“Dear god,” he murmurs, eyes wide with horror. “We’re in Data and Geordi’s – what are we doing here, dammit?! Q!”

The evil one raises a brow, expression sheepish as he meets the venom of his newfound enemy; he’ll be fortunate if he has an expression left when she’s through with him.

“Ah,” he notes wryly, “I… may have been looking for a source of apathy, subconsciously. You’re rather overwhelming, mon capitan, and I imagine you’re quite partial to your galactic locality remaining intact.”

The important one’s eyes soften, much to her disgust.

“And there can be no greater apathy than a cat,” he finishes, amused. “A universal constant, apparently.”

“Oh, you’re about to discover exactly how apathetic I can be, humanoid wretch!”

She launches with planned spontaneity, at the most calculated moment, when the atrocity of a man will least expect it – he will pay, dearly, for his disturbance of her precious rest. She’s inches from his chest, claws extended fully, her very blood singing with the need for vengeance –

“Yes, no.”

The dismissive snap of his tone is followed swiftly by one from his fingers, and she never reaches her target. She’s left in situ, dangling precariously, the hateful gaze she’s directing at him returned almost as fiercely.

“I know you think you’re one, dear feline,” he spits, “but I actually am a god.”

“Q, let her go,” the other bites out coolly. He goes to protest, but thinks better of it; she’s released from the mystical prison of stillness, and she hisses bitterly for good measure.

“I will have my vengeance.” Her meow is pure rage as she realises she’s once again off the damned bed.

“Of course you will,” he drawls at her, unconcerned. “I trust you’ll keep your own counsel, furbag.”

Furbag?! The utter nerve! Her favourite had told her only earlier how pretty she was! Her grooming routine put felines the quadrant over to shame, the despicable –

“She’s hardly going to plough us through the ship’s gossip mill, Q,” the important one comments dryly, facing his companion with softness. “I assume you’ll be more cautious where you direct your apathy in future, however?”

She takes a moment from her current schedule of comprehensive incandescence to marvel at how the face of evil can look so warm.

“I shall endeavour to be a paragon of subtlety, my dear.”

They’re there one second, and she’s almost wrapped up her plan of sweet, sweet revenge; she’s sneaking cautiously, the very image of stealth, around the smooth fabric of the bedding, her movements gloriously quiet – he’ll rue every damned word –

She arrives back on the duvet just as they vanish with that same stupid noise and blinding flash, and she shrieks a hiss of pure fury.

“I’m telling everyone, you wait!” She screams. “Your empires shall crumble beneath my wrath!”

She flops, outraged, to the covering, starting at the sudden weight to her left; she flips up instantly, high on alert, and sniffs curiously.

… Oh. That’s supplement seventy-three, the one her favourite’s never quite managed to synthesise properly since that first wondrous occasion. Its aroma is divine, though the most intriguing snatch of eternity glimmers around it. Deciding to obey the will of her stomach rather than her natural caution, she tucks in with gusto, devouring it as though the soul of the victim that’s maddeningly disappeared.

She’ll get the bastard, one day – however delicious his pitiful offering was.

[eleven-vibes]

Last night was the saddest drunk I’ve ever gotten. If it doesn’t make sense it shouldn’t.

Last night was the saddest drunk I’ve ever gotten. If it doesn’t make sense it shouldn’t.

The night doesn’t start off on the night. It starts off days before. I’m planning my halloween costume, I’m spending money on what I’m going to wear. I try it on, I send pictures to stephanie. I’m excited. I look really good. I’m wearing a black blazer with nothing but shorts and heels. I know I’m going to see Adam and I’m excited because this could be my night. He likes me and on Friday we’ll be able to finally be together. And if i look like that? Cmon? He’ll say yes to whatever I ask, right?

So on that night I do this makeup I have planned that isn’t what I usually wear but it goes with my costume. It takes me a long time to get ready. We finally head out and we’re standing outside for about three hours waiting for a ride. There are several parties but I know Adam is going to Sammies. I saw him get in the car with his friends and so, in spite of the fact there are other parties I fight everyone to go to Sammies. Everyone wants to head somewhere else and I beg everyone to please please just wait a little longer. I fight for this so much I even order an uber myself. I have half the mind to even pay for the ride with my own card, anything to just get there. Adam is literally waiting for me.

When we get there the parties over. Everyone wants to go but I convince people to head into the house. There’s cops roaming around but let’s just take a look, I say. I don’t care about the cops or the fact everyone’s leaving, I just want to get a little closer to see Adam. He must be there and he’s probably looking for me too. I walk against the crowds of humans, through the forest, down and up slopes- I just need to get a little closer.

We see him outside the house, Im so happy to see him. I can’t wait for him see me too. We say hi for a second and he hurries off to do something else. With half a mind on who I’m talking to and another half on him I turn around to see him surrounded by girls- beautiful girls. And for the longest time ever there is one who literally will not let go of him. One who is holding his waist. One who he has his arms wrapped around, whispering in her ear. Smiling. He’s not hugging her- a hug would be too short. He’s embracing her and I know because that’s how he held me.

Everything inside me crumbles. It just drops to a nonexistent floor. I feel like a hand was plunged into my chest, wrapped its fingers around my heart and pulled it out of my chest without my consent. It hurts so bad I try to pretend the pain isn’t there. I try to believe what I’m seeing is not real, but I can’t take my eyes away. I can't look away from the way he’s holding her. And when I do look away their silhouettes pierce the inside of my eyelids.

Maybe this is an insulting thing to think but I thought it was only I who found him charming and attractive. I thought other girls would see him and think he was geeky. When he came back to me and Gibran and Quinn afterward I just watched him, trying to figure something out. He’s talking about how stressed out and annoyed he is trying to get rides for his friends. He’s talking about how he had to put a drunk girl into the car. He’s moving his lips softly. There’s a crease on his forehead that isn’t usually there. He takes his hand and runs his fingers through his hair while he looks to the side. He smiles just a little. He’s beautiful and now I see- it’s not just me who sees it.

I don’t know this whole time who I thought he was, but I didn’t think he was touchy with so many girls. I didn’t know he did cocaine. I didn’t know he took girls home to have sex. In fact, I only know that now because Quinn mentioned it and he said he didn’t because she was too drunk. Implying that otherwise he would’ve. I thought he was more shy. More quiet. The not hooking up with girls at parties type. The not bringing girls home to his dorm type. I thought if he brought me home on Halloween it would’ve been a rare thing for him. I didn’t know he had such game. I didn’t know who he was at all.

All I know when I don’t want to know anything else is that I need to drink. I need to get so fucking drunk I forget my name. I need the alcohol to burn my fucking throat. And so I’m collecting some drinks people have brought outside and chugging them down because I want to forget about him. I drink it down and hold back tears. Tears. But it didnt work. No matter how much I drank he was still in the back of my mind the entire time. I took shots and even as I was trying to expell them out of my body I was thinking of him.

When I went to the next party I was extremely upset when I went into the bathroom to realize that I looked liked TRASH. My makeup was the work thing I had ever seen in my life. I was absolutely disgusting. I was 100% a complete mess. My eyeshadow was gross and I was so pale I looked like shit. Or maybe I wasn't so bad but it was the idea of Adam not being into me that just took everything away. 

I thought I wasn’t going to feel like this again. I thought I was done feeling like my heart dropped. I thought that maybe it would work out this time. I really did truly think he was into me. But now I feel like I’m not even good enough. I want to lay in my bed and never get up. I can't help but be so into him. I can't help but want him so much. I cant help from hating myself because I thought I was who he wanted. And more than anything, I can't help but close my eyes and see his smile. The way it reaches his eye. The sound he makes when he laughs. The way he says my name afterward. I try to shut him out but its no use, he’s buried himself so deep inside of me I may never get him out.

[itsyybitsyyspersonalthoughts]

Journal Entry #3

After this ramble I will make an organized chart of experiences, and social upbringing and genetic traits to dissect and put together reasons why I act the way I do. Just to narrow down and try to attempt to find out if what I feel is a mental disorder or due to upbringing. 

You know, I sometimes try to tell myself there is nothing wrong with me. That I am completely normal and all I am experiencing is  normal. I sometimes think am I really feeling this way or am I just acting this way. I over analyze my thoughts and actions. There are people with more crippling conditions than me. 

Maybe I dismiss criticalness of my emotions because I haven’t been properly diagnosed so I cant truly believe that what I am experiencing isn’t normal. Is this the control aspect of me taking over? My NEED to know if what I am feeling is abnormal? Do I have an increased desire to need to know what is normal and what isn’t because I am an only child and didn’t have much guidance about what is normal and what isn’t or have any friends to compare and talk about what is normal or not. Do I really have OCD? Does this affect me by increasing my risk for developing an eating disorder? Do I truly have an eating disorder? I have never been officially diagnosed with anything. It has always been mentioned but I don’t know I haven’t been told directly. I need to have someone be clear with me. I don’t like it when people are not specific. Ambiguity is not my favorite thing in the world. Is it because I have low comprehension? Is my low intelligence due to my father/genetics? Maybe I’m not meant to continue education its like a genetic cast system. By this I mean my genetic traits have determined what I will amount to, rather than the social influence of one who lives in a cast system.

 But back to my intelligence, I truly believe I am mentally disabled in the way of having an impaired cognitive function or even motor disfunction. I can’t make my body move in the way I wan’t it to fast enough. Am I just uncoordinated? My mother said Momo is like that too. This only brings more agony to me because I feel trapped in my body. I cannot express movement, emotion, sound effectively and everything feels bottled up. I don’t have a social outlet. I don’t fit in with my age group. I don’t understand them. 

When I was younger there was always such a huge age gab between me and my family. I couldn’t sit with my mom and listen in on adult conversations and I was either ten years older or ten years younger than my cousins.

My evidence:

with cello- I was never able to express how I thought a piece should sound through my instrument. It made me so frustrated. 

high school gym- my teacher had me stay late after class with another girl (my friend) to participate in a study regarding the performance abnormalities. My friend was asked to swim a certain stroke, but before she did she was asked to explain what she was going to do, do it and then explain what she did when she returned. I had to do the same thing but a different stroke, but she had my friend leave and get changed because we were already being held behind. 

However, I am becoming frustrated with myself because I have these thoughts all day it takes over and I feel like it is taking over. I can’t concentrate in class. I am always thinking about calories. I body check several times a day. I plan my day around how many calories I will burn and consume. I park farther away from class and the gym so I have to walk more therefor burn off more calories. I make excuses to walk to my car. I have noticed I binge on weekends. My excuse to binge is that I tell myself I should eat it all now so I wont be able to later and I will be forced to eat minimally and healthy. 

I am disgusted by my roommates eating habits and weight. I have noticed I cannot remember things as I used to. Is this because of the eating disorder? Am I depressed? Am I bipolar? DO I have OCD? Do I have anxiety? Everyone seems to have anxiety now which makes me question if this is truly an imperative disorder or are we becoming more sensitive as a society due to our rearing that we have all become such sensitive and offended fucks? I don’t believe I get offended as people do now. I have trouble reading and understanding social cues but at the same time I don’t? Maybe I don’t know the exact words for what I am trying to get across that I cant explain it effectively. I hate tests that use absolute words. Because I will remember a piece of something that will not be true in one of the options but will be true in the rest but I will have to explain why I put an answer because of how the question is worded.

 I like problems that make you have to consider and think about other influencing factors. I think I am creative enough to be able to come up with reasons why a particular group may be thinking or feeling or acting out in a certain way. I believe I am just uneducated about specific cultural/community/social//religious values which really blocks me from being able to dabble in these. I love controversial topics. I love knowing information on both sides and discussing well maybe x is doing this because of a but y interprets a as 1. 

in 3rd grade on the night before our mission project was due (I remember because I waited to do it on the last minute and I made my mission out of cardboard boxes from Costco and colored a coloring page from the mission that I had been sent by the mission because Momo wrote to them about getting more information about it. Mom said that if my nose grew to be like my fathers she would pay to have me get a nose job. 

One day my mom made me french toast and my father made a comment saying “mama is trying to fatten you up” and before I took a bite I put my fork down and went to my room and closed the door. 

My dad has a thing for “big women” and expresses that all the time. He shames everyone for their appearance. EX red hair, clothing style, having glasses on facing backwards. He always says that people should just shave their head of they are balding in one area or have a receding hairline.

Area- I was never good at math problems that dealt with 3D objects or had to do with any geometry or spacial problems. 

I remember in elementary school I started catching clips of those health shows that are on at like 3pm about how to stay healthy and not get sick and lose weight. One tip was to keep an arms length away from meat sections but I swore I lost 8lbs from that. I would also count calories. 

My mom would always complain seriously about how it isn’t fair that my father eats three times as much as her but she is still :fat: but she doesn’t realize the lifestyle she lives keeps her there- she thinks she is doing a crazy amount of walking, but her restaurant store is very small, mine was twice as large. -here is me coming up with reasons why she thinks its unfair and what is really going on- so I would walk as much just being an expediter in four hours as she would being a server in 6. She also eats extremely high calorie desserts daily and lays on her ass.  I analyze my mothers personality and have found her weaknesses-driving reaction time, ability to deal with stress.

I hate the way she licks and sucks her fingers and makes humming noises about how good something was-Ive already analyzed why i feel this way

when I was in physiology we were learning about hormone imbalances and it made me suspect she had cushings syndrome because she displayed signs of the condition.

 During a holiday my cousin came over and he called my mom fat, it made me extremely angry because you don’t go up to people and say things like that so I hit him. 

My grandmother talks about how others are no good for society, she says she doesn’t believe my cousin will get anything other that working in food service because she is too boring and plain looking. She doesn’t believe Nick will get into UCI. What doesn’t she believe I will do? I heard her say “we will just be happy if she gets a degree” but degrees don’t mean shit anymore. What if I fail? Don’t succeed? I am the only child. I believe it puts a lot pf pressure on me. They’ve invested so much in me but what if I just cant do it? I don’t feel like I can do it because I am not all mentally there, I am too distracted by other thoughts. Which can prove that the overall health of the population affects access education and income resulting in education levels. 

I used to be so eager to learn. My favorite class was community health issues at LBCC. I have lost my motivation. I cant concentrate. I am not  intrigued by the information. I just want to sit on the floor and lay down all day. But then where would I burn the extra calories.

I feel happy and energetic when I work at my new job-they hate cynical which I am afraid I am but I am not when I work there I am very positive and happy despite talking to myself all the time. I think I talk out loud because I need that confirmation that what I am doing is correct. Again this can be related to being an only child and seeking approval. On my chart I will have “ONLY CHILD” as a category with a bullet list of traits that can be linked with me being an only child and a sub category of parent reaction and rearing because I was the only one. 

I  feel drained and dead when I am at home but I crave the company. I am alone. But that isn’t new. I have always felt this way so I don’t believe it is simply moving related but I am sure it is intensified. 

I have been experiencing strange body reactions. Leg and arm get that feeling where I need to extend it in a position it wont move. stretching and exercise don’t allow it to subside. I have been bleeding between my period for a week ad a half  after I saw a counselor and cried I felt happier and more talkative. I am usually irritated by talking on the phone. The way my roommate words things irritates me. “my friend” or when Im asked “what did you do all day” or “what do you think” right after saying something that is the obvious answer like why are you asking me what I think you just gave yourself the answer why do you talk about.

I cant sleep with constricting/restricting clothing like bras or leggings or long sleeves.  what is the difference between constricting and restriction (just for my understanding)

I have to stop for tonight. my left pinky feels numb and tingly and so does my left had and it is making it difficult for me to type. I am feeling restless too. I cant keep typing in a small squished position. the side of my pinky finger feels over used. 

this is just a small rant of topics to help me remember what I wan’t to go into depth in my blog to help me analyze my thoughts..

I want my first topic to be on my self diagnosed “eating disorder”and how it has physically affected my body and my worries about possible thyroid interference.

to be continued...