#it's better than using the scissors for. other purposes !! 11 months clean and i would rather not reset my progress

[outlying-hyppocrate]

JUST WHEN I THOUGHT I WAS FINE WITH MY APPEARANCE I REMEMBERED THAT I HAVE TO GO BACK TO HELL????????????

[disappearinginq]

New Bingo Card

Crankiness is apparently a powerful motivator, but so are awesome people randomly swinging by with words of encouragement. 

Currently, the fandom is Magnum, PI, but I plan to add in some from Prodigal Son over the break.

Fic can be found on AO3: Found Family

and FFN.net: Found Family 

and below the cut: 

Rick tugged at the stiff collar of his dress blues for the umpteeth time, stretching the starched material a little further every time. The fabric no longer lined up to make an even line, and the top button was in danger of popping loose. His face was starting to itch from his five o’clock shadow, and the colonel had made it abundantly clear that he was to shave before they were picked up by their escort, but after 18 months and 11 days of no shaving, he just felt naked without at least some scruff.

Besides.

Clean shaven he looked like he was 12.

Well, used to. The rounded features he’d had almost his entire adult life that had bartenders carding him well into his thirties – a source of never ending amusement for Nuzo and TC and a shared affliction for Thomas – were gone. They’d been out of the Valley for almost four months now, but weight and muscle were slow to return.

“Why in the fuck do we have to stay in our dress uniforms for this bullshit?” he grumbled. The uniforms were never what one would call roomy but now they just felt like woolen weighted blankets slowly suffocating him. With the high collar, it felt like a really weak guy trying to strangle him all day. It didn’t allow for slouching or raising arms or even stretching, and Rick had to resist the urge to gnaw on the collar that jabbed uncomfortably at the underside of his chin. “Why do we even have to do this bullshit?”

TC heaved a long suffering sigh of someone who’d had to explain to a whiny toddler one too many times already – “because we’re a big deal. People want some good news for a change, and we’re it.”

“If people want a happy story, they can fucking watch the Hallmark Channel,” Rick growled. “This is the last of things I want to do on my To Do list.”

TC played along. He looked utterly unbothered by his uniform, the new Major insignia gleaming in the midmorning sun. “Oh yeah? What’s above it?”

“Chug a bottle of bleach, for starters,” Rick said.

The abrupt bark of laughter at his shoulder was worth the dark scowl from Nuzo and TC.

Thomas looked better than he had, but that was a pretty low bar. The same missing baby fat from Rick’s cheeks hollowed out Thomas’s entire face, making him look gaunt and worn. His hair was still too long for regs, but the admiralty let it slide, if only because Thomas wouldn’t let anyone close enough with a pair of scissors to cut it. He still wasn’t talking much, and rarely strayed any further than a few feet from any of them, but at least he was mobile. And alive.

He fidgeted with his pristine white uniform, pulling absently at the sleeves every few minutes to cover up the still healing skin graft scars.

“That’s a corker of a To Do list, brother,” TC said easily. “Anything else?”

“Well, if we’re still talking ‘Things I Would Rather Do Than a Press Tour’, then I’m going to have say  eating a nest of spiders, getting kicked in the teeth by a mule, having recreational surgery to remove a testicle,” he animatedly counted off on his fingers as he prattled off worse and worse things, ignoring Nuzo’s eye rolling and TC’s look of abject disgust while watching Thomas’s smile grow to the point it crinkled the corners of his eyes. Worth it, Rick thought. 

“Is there anything actually fun on this list of yours?” TC interrupted before Rick could come up with worse things.

“Food,” Rick said. “I plan to eat myself stupid now that we’re out of that godforsaken hospital. And I’m sorry, but German food is not my thing. I want an Americanized pizza, with something gross for toppings. I want whatever the hell that thing is,” he pointed to a six foot tall advertisement for something pink from Starbucks. “I want an all-American hot dog made from kangaroo meat and old boots.”

“That is not what hot dogs are made of,” TC sighed, making a face. “Shut up before you ruin all the things I’ve been looking forward to.”

They were sitting in the VIP lounge of LaGuardia, waiting on a ‘personal escort’ to some talk show – Rick honestly hadn’t been paying any attention when the general spoke. Fallon? Kimmel? SNL? Something that was supposed to impress him, and instead all Rick heard was ‘the first time you’ve been on American soil in over two years, and for the next six weeks, we have your entire lives mapped out for you – where you eat, where you sleep, who you talk to’ and he couldn’t shake the feeling it sounded suspiciously like they were still prisoners.

Just fewer bars and indoor plumbing.

They hadn’t been home in over two years – Rick hadn’t been state side in almost three. He’d been in the middle of back to back tours when they were captured. He almost forgot what it sounded like to hear people speaking primarily in a language he understood.

But his nerves were far from soothed just stepping onto American soil. They’d spent weeks in Germany recovering, trying to undo the damage done in a year a half, and Rick felt like it was like slapping a new coat of paint on rust – looked pretty on the outside, while everything still rotted away underneath.

They were flown first class from Bagram. Well, first from Bagram to the UAE, and then to the USA. The comfy seats didn’t mean much when he had to sit in the most uncomfortable uniform ever made for thirteen hours, with the military escort reminding them they weren’t allowed to drink in uniform.

When Rick had threatened to strip down then and there, the escort had relented, but he’d caught the exaggeratedly disappointed looks from the stewardesses. He’d smiled as they refilled his drink when out of the blue the thought struck him so hard he’d flinched, almost spilling it – would they still smile if they saw the scars?

He’d avoided any further attempts at conversation with them, just the general pleases and thank yous for service and tried not to throw up.

Nuzo laughed, interrupting the dark line of thoughts. “You idiots are gonna be the one doing the junket, not me.” He elbowed Thomas with half his usual force and tried not to let the hurt show when Thomas still noticeably flinched. “I guess married man, father of one doesn’t interest the people like three singles ready to mingle.”

“Don’t be hatin’ ‘cause we have the celebrity looks,” TC joked, fussing with his own dress blues that were still pristine.

“Yeah,” Rick piped in, slinging his arm around TC’s shoulders. “Look at these mugs. We’re gorgeous. And you somehow still have a bald head despite being stuck in a cave for 18 months and 11 days without access to a razor. Who would you want on camera?” He smiled broadly.

“It’s because Lara said no,” Thomas said quietly, before Nuzo could reply. He barely met Nuzo’s gaze, dark brown eyes looking away even before they connected. “And everyone is afraid of Lara.”

Nuzo stared for a moment. They all did. It was the first attempt at humor – actual humor, not dark, gallows jokes that made the therapists scribble madly in their notebooks to up his meds – since the Valley.

The ghost of Thomas’s former grin faltered, those same dark eyes that spoke more than the man did himself these days shifting away suddenly as he bit his lip, suddenly unsure if he’d overstepped an imaginary line.

It was more than a little crushing to see someone who once spoke so freely stop and second guess almost everything they said. Even to their friends.  

Rick saved him.

Seemed like he was doing that a lot lately. But it gave him a purpose – a mission. And isn’t that what the counselor kept saying returning servicemen struggled with? A lack of purpose in the absence of mission?

Guess they were saving each other still.

“Thomas has a point, Nuz,” Rick said. “Lara is a lovely and terrifying woman. No fair getting her to spring you.”

“Are you trying to tell me that Lara, love of my life, sun in my sky, to whom the angels pale in comparison, is intimidating enough that she can bully an Admiral into letting her beloved husband out of an unwanted assignment?” Nuzo put a hand over his ribbon rack, mouth opened in feigned shock before shrugging one shoulder in agreement. “Damn right she is.”

The frightened rabbit look faded slowly from Thomas’s expression as they continued to banter back and forth, the familiar rhythm of their teasing soothing frazzled nerves better than any therapy. It worked in the cave, it worked at the airport.

TC and Nuzo were still talking, Rick occasionally butting in with an opinion that no one asked for or needed, just to keep things lively. But mostly he kept an eye on Thomas.

Thomas, whose attention waned easily these days, and more often than not, drifted back to less pleasant times. He fidgeted in place almost constantly, clenching and unclenching his hands, only following the conversation when voices were raised and even then, only to make sure it wasn’t a danger loud, before staring off into space again. The press conference they’d already had in Bagram was a nightmare – everyone wanted to talk to Thomas.

And Thomas held his own for a while. He really did. But the questions started to get a little too personal. Once he’d answered about finding something that let him help people, now that they were being early retired from their military service, the reporters took it as an invitation to ask him more invasive and personal questions that somehow also still made political statements out of it – like “Does that mean you don’t agree with the US’s involvement with Afghanistan?”, or “Do you believe that the military presence isn’t helping people?”

Rick was all ready to come to his brother’s aide, but TC beat him to the punch with a solid, rumbling: “You’re gonna ask a man who went through hell to solve a war that’s been going on since before we left Africa as a species?”

The following “get fucked” that even had flustered Thomas laughing because TC rarely ever swore, even in the Cave, probably had more to do with the abrupt end to the questioning, but…eh. It was worth the ass chewing from the higher ups.

 Now he was starting to fidget again, despite the familiar bantering, pulling at invisible threads on his uniform as he tried not to make the constant rolling of his shoulders obvious.

“I’m bored stiff. You wanna come take a walk around the airport?” he asked, already heading for the door to the lounge. “Get some air? Stretch these legs? I think I’m losing circulation to my feet in these things.”

“Sure,” Thomas agreed, practically jumping out of his seat at the invite. “It’s stuffy in here.”

It wasn’t, but Rick let it slide. He held the door open for his friend, sending a quick ‘okay’ sign behind his back towards Nuzo and TC, letting them know he had this one.

The airport was crowded, but not claustrophobically so.  The concourse was packed with people waiting for food and flights, the enormous floor to ceiling windows looking out onto the tarmac for people to watch incoming and outgoing flights making the crowd tolerable.

Except for the part where people stared at them as they walked around.

It had nothing to do with who they were – Rick doubted that many people really watched the news. But the military dress uniforms were eye catching. Something that he never minded in the past, but now felt like he was under a microscope. He found himself walking closer than necessary to Thomas, studying the ceiling with closer intensity than it probably warranted.

“I don’t think I can take this for another six weeks,” Thomas said, so quietly Rick almost missed it. Rick hadn’t been paying all that much attention, preoccupied with his own feelings of being under a microscope, but now that he actually looked at Thomas, he wasn’t looking so hot.

The damage done by the Taliban was a slow recovery. Damage done by raging infections and Thomas’s own recklessness was even slower. Long walks winded him still, but now Magnum was looking positively gray.

“I know…I know what we did was important,” Thomas said softly. “But…I don’t want to keep reliving it. Letting people ask us like it’s some part of a movie, or somehow entertaining. And the more I try to convince myself that these people…” he gestured absently with a flick of his hand that made him wince. “They’re the reason why it should be worth it, the more I keep thinking of that press release, and the more…the more I hate it.” The more he hated them.

Rick considered it for a long moment before replying, trying to channel his inner TC to find something that might actually mean something. “We took an oath to stand against all threats, foreign and domestic. We signed up to fight for them. Not to suffer for them. You don’t owe them more than you’ve given.”

Thomas shrugged like he didn’t believe him but was too tired to argue. The higher ups made the press tour a non-optional request. As long as they were still in, they were supposed to ‘obey the orders of those appointed over them’.

What was irritating was that Thomas used to have no problem telling the chain to get bent when needed. Or just pretending like he didn’t hear them in the first place. He even said some unpleasant things to the Taliban holding them prisoners, but now…now he just didn’t seem to have it in him to complain.

Like someone had snuffed that spark.

“But first things first – I’m getting out of this monkey suit.” He veered abruptly into the clothing store, boasting hoodies with ‘I heart NYC’ in every color imaginable and Yankees and Mets gear stacked to the ceiling. He almost gagged when he saw the outrageous pricing, but hey – he had back pay for a year and a half of hazardous duty coming his way. He could afford it.

They were supposed to stay in uniform while traveling, according to the military.

Well, they could go fuck themselves, Rick thought darkly. If he was gonna be gawked at, it was gonna be because people thought he was an overcompensating tourist – not a Marine who just returned from hell.

“Here,” he tossed Thomas an overpriced t-shirt. “Take that. I’ve never been more appreciative of airlines catering to the idea that at least half their customers have lost all their stuff in customs, but I am getting out of this uniform, and so are you.”

Thomas stared blankly at the plain black shirt in his hands. Rick watched as he carefully traced scarred fingertips over the soft fabric, touching at the collar before fingering the sleeves that would only come to just past his upper arm.

“It’s softer than dress whites,” he conceded. He almost headed for the changing room before he stopped, glancing back the racks.  “I need something with sleeves,” he pointed out hesitantly.

Rick nodded his chin towards the display of hoodies. “Take your pick. Personally, I dig the pink one, so if you’re not down for looking like twinsies, pick a different color.”

Thomas laughed at that. Rick had never been ‘conservative’ when it came to civilian clothes – mostly because it annoyed everyone else, but as more than one woman had told him – ladies liked a daring man with more color in their wardrobe than that of Johnny Cash.

Their obscenely expensive clothing bought and tags ripped off, they headed back towards the lounge where TC and Nuzo were probably beginning to wonder where exactly they wandered off to.

Rick’s stepfather once told him ‘clothes make the man’, and for the most part, Rick flatly ignored him. But the change in Thomas was…tangible.

Dressed in jeans which cost more than a car rental, shoes better served for a teenager on a skateboard but were the only ones soft enough to accommodate sensitive scar tissue, and a hoodie two times too big for him, Thomas actually looked…relaxed.

No one was staring at him. No one even batted an eye as they walked past them – not even the ones who’d openly stared at the dress uniforms not twenty minutes earlier.

It was like they were invisible.

For the first time in a year and a half, no one paid any attention at all to them. Not to demand questions of them, not to decide who they were going to take away to the Pit, not to mock from behind bars, not to question whether they’d followed the doctor’s advice or if they’d eaten anything that day.

Nobody cared.

And.

It.

Was.

Marvelous.

“Like a magic cloak,” Thomas half whispered in awe. He still tugged at the long sleeves of the sweatshirt, but they were long enough he could actually pull the ends over his hands, hiding the scars completely.

It also made him look like he was fifteen.

But there was a kindling light in those dark, expressive eyes, and that was all that Rick cared about.

“Told you,” he teased gently, opening the door back to the lounge.

There was an indignant squawk of abject betrayal when TC saw them in civilian clothes.

“Really, guys?” TC gaped, a hand of mock betrayal going to his chest. “You gonna do a brother like that?”

Rick huffed. “Like we would leave you hanging.” He tossed a bag of clothes at the pilot, who caught them deftly in one hand before peering suspiciously inside. “No, I didn’t get you pink. We decided yellow was more your color anyway.”

“What in the hell is this?” TC demanded, yanking out a bumblebee yellow button up. “TM, is this your doing?”

Thomas shrugged innocently. “There’s a limited selection in the big and tall in an airport.”

TC scowled without anger. “Sure.”

“Nah, the kid’s right – you had your pick of that or lime green. I don’t know why they think a 6’2”, 240 pound man needs to be more noticeable, but it’s what you get,” Rick defended, even as Thomas shot another scowl his way at the mention of age.

“Nothing for me?” Nuzo asked. “I see how it is.”

“Your wife and kid are coming to pick you up in like an hour – don’t pretend like Lara and Jake aren’t going to have a change of clothes,” TC pointed out. “Watch the youngin’s – I’m getting out of this clown suit.”

Before Nuzo could protest, TC was out the door with a speed that belied his size.

Nuzo shook his head, then quickly darted his gaze back to Thomas who was looking out the floor to ceiling window at the parking lots, not paying them any attention. He met Rick’s gaze, cocking his head to one side, questioning.

How’s our boy?

Rick held a hand out and teetered it back and forth. Not great. But not terrible.

“Any word on our hurry up and wait status?” he asked aloud. Their flight had been bumped back in Dubai – they arrived two and a half hours ahead of schedule, and Lara and Jake had to drive up from Virginia Beach to pick Nuzo up. The others were left waiting – as per usually with the military – until someone filed paperwork to get them a ride. Their escort was supposedly off conversing with the USO representatives, but that was over an hour ago, and Rick not so secretly hoped they’d been forgotten.

“No news yet,” Nuzo answered, glancing at his phone.

Having phones again was just weird now. How fucking handy would it have been to just reach into a back pocket and call for help?

TC practically kicked in the door when he returned, grinning like an idiot, holding his arms above his head like the statue of Adonis. “I can move my arms again,” he crowed. He rolled his massive shoulders, relishing the freedom of movement out of the restrictive uniform. He pulled at the hem of the large shirt. “You know what, I ain’t even mad about the color. I look fantastic. I’m getting more of these when I get…”

The word they all dreaded died in his throat.

Home.

The only one who even had one was Nuzo, and even that came with its own perils. Trying to readjust after deployment was hard enough on married couples. Readjusting after…everything…seemed like an unwinnable purgatorial task.

“I guess this is just a temporary patch job, huh.” TC faltered. He glanced down at the bag that now held his carefully folded uniform. “We’re going to have to get changed again as soon as the guards – escorts – come back.”

Thomas flinched at the word guards, his shoulders coming up quick and sharp as he ducked his head, automatically making himself smaller than he already was. Somehow, it was made worse by the oversize sweatshirt – perhaps because it made him look even younger than he already did.

Nuzo had mentioned going to Hawaii back in Bagram, when Thomas quietly admitted he wasn’t ready to go home. But none of them had anything set up in Hawaii, either. Not for another six weeks, at least. The older man had reached out to Robin Masters, hoping the former journalist would be willing to help out the man who’s life made him a millionaire that owned half the island, but he’d only reached a very polite but very firm assistant who informed him that Mr. Masters was very busy on world tour, but she would pass along the message but couldn’t guarantee when he would be able to return the call.

“First of all, if they want me back in uniform, they’re going to have to wrestle me back into it,” Rick declared, crossing his arms over the Yankees emblem on his shirt. “And I plan to go out like a honey badger on meth.”

TC raised a questioning eyebrow at the metaphor but shrugged one shoulder in agreement. “Yeah. I can see that.”

“What if…”

All three heads turned to Thomas.

The younger man had one palm up against the window, fingers splayed out on the cold glass as it fogged around his hand. But he wasn’t looking up. He was looking down at the parking lot. At the rental car return lot.

They waited patiently.

“What if…we ran away?” Thomas asked, voice hesitant and barely above a whisper. “What if we didn’t wait around for them to decide for us? What if…what if we just left. We could just...go. Anywhere. Anywhere we wanted to.”

He shot a glance over his shoulder back at the group that was so cautiously hopeful, the first real spark back in his eyes since last September – and Rick realized he would’ve agreed to anything that kept that look on his friend’s face.

“I’m down,” he said immediately, before glancing back at TC. “Could use a pilot though.”

“Hell, yeah.” TC tossed his bag to Nuzo who caught it one handed. “Cover for us?”

Nuzo smirked. “I’ll do you one better. I’ll get Lara to do it.”

*

Fortunately, LaGuardia had an overabundance of rentals available, and while Rick pointed out the flashy sports cars in the lineup, TC argued against being forced to sit in the back seat with his knees up his nose at any point of the trip.

“Then don’t sit in the back!” Rick protested, pointing out the sport car again.

“I am supposed to believe that you and Thomas aren’t even once going to want to both be up front at the same time?” TC shot back and pointed to the SUV that looked like it would be better suited for a drive by or government agencies.

 “What about this one?” Thomas asked.

The car had no business being there. It was almost fifty years old and completely out of place amongst the minivans and crossovers, but there it was – a 1968 Chevelle convertible, in mint condition.

“I think someone just parked it in the wrong spot, buddy,” Rick said. “I don’t think it’s a rental.”

Thomas leaned over the passenger side door, fishing into the glove box. “No, look,” he said, holding up a piece of paper. “It is a rental. It’s from Auto Classics Enterprise, apparently.”

“It gets like six miles to the gallon,” TC pointed out. “We’ll need to refill twice before we even get out of the city.”

Rick glanced up at him. “You got somewhere you need to be?”

“Just stating facts, bro. Though…” he considered the front seat and back. “It is pretty roomy.”

“It’s got class,” Rick agreed. “And leg room. Not to mention zero to sixty in six point four seconds.”

“We’re in downtown Queens, Orville. We’ll be lucky to see anything about 13 miles an hour until we get out of the city.”

“Why you always gotta be a negative Nancy, Theodore?” Rick asked, squinting up at the larger man before hissing: “Who hurt you?”

“I’m a realist,” TC corrected. “And one of us has to have at least one foot on the ground while you got your head up in the clouds.”

“There’s no roof,” Thomas interrupted, making both men stop mid argument. He looked sheepish, like he hadn’t meant to say anything aloud, but couldn’t take it back. “I’m just…sick of walls, you know? Of not being able to see out. We can get a different one, I just…” he shrugged, offering a faint echo of his normal Cheshire grin. “Something without a roof?”

Rick and TC glanced at each other. It’d been hard to deny Thomas anything even before they were captured – he was just that kind of guy. He called in a million favors, but he racked them and stacked them the same way some people stacked bodies. Everyone always owed Thomas because Thomas was always, always giving something. Hard to deny became impossible – especially since lately, he asked very little. 

Rick sighed, held one hand out, palm flat and his other hand clenched in a fist on top. “On the count of three?”

“Nah,” TC grinned, giving Rick an affectionate shove. “You’re enlisted. I know your ass is broke, back pay or not. I got this.”

“That stings.”

“Not as much as your empty wallet.”

*

Poor investment or not, the car was what they needed. All of them, not just Thomas.

Rick was always a bit of a car fanatic – he liked anything that’s entire existence could be summed up with a robust vrooooom. And he could find one anywhere – no one was entirely sure how or where he’d drummed up a 1935 Rolls Royce in the middle of the Helmand province and most were afraid to ask.

TC appreciated anything with a solid engine and good mechanics under the hood that could accommodate his large frame.

Even the stop and go traffic of downtown New York couldn’t do anything to deter the animated conversation from the front seat.

“Isn’t this the car from Dukes of Hazard?” TC teased, easing the classic further out of the city while Rick had a minor coronary over it most certainly was not, how could you spin such lies?

He hadn’t been to NYC in decades, and he’d honestly forgotten how quickly the city disappeared once they were across the bridge. It didn’t exactly up and vanish in the blink of an eye, but as they crossed from New York into Jersey, the sky scrapers and towering apartment complexes with convenience stores and neon lights gave way to suburbia, the hill houses of the Palisades Parkway offering glimpses of the Hudson between the billion dollar homes as they cruised along to nowhere in particular. The million dollar homes became farm houses and ranches, vast expanses of green instead of concrete jungle and the rumble of steady traffic faded away to the occasional semi rig or farm truck. The roar of the wind dulled as they dropped from 60 to 30, winding their way deeper into the state forests of upstate Jersey and lower New York.

It was hard to believe that less than an hour from one of the largest cities in the US was rolling farm lands.

Shit, there were even cows.

Rick scrolled continuously through the radio channels, changing the station as soon as an ad came on or he heard someone talking instead of music. “You know, you would think in a year and some change, someone would’ve come along with more talent than Justin Bieber.”

“Talent isn’t what makes that kid famous,” TC argued. “Pop music hasn’t been about the music since the 70’s.”

Rick grumbled under his breath as he continued to tweak the dial back and forth before finally stopping on “Girls Just Wanna Have Fun”, cranking the volume several decibels.

TC shot him an incredulous look. “This is what you stop on? This is what says bro trip to you?”

Rick smirked, putting both hands up in ‘white dude shuffle’ pose, the closest thing he could get to dancing while in the front seat of a car. “When men are confident enough to write songs about their friendships, then I’ll put those on – but until then, Cyndi has us covered.”

“You gonna sit there and deny, to my face, Queen’s ‘You’re My Best Friend’, or Bill Withers’s classic ‘Somebody to Lean On’?” TC demanded. “What about ‘You Got a Friend In Me’?”

“The theme song to Toy Story?! How is that better?”

“How is it not better than an 80’s women power ballad? TM, back me up here!”

When Thomas didn’t respond, TC risked a glance in the rearview as Rick whipped around as if he expected Thomas to have vanished from the backseat while they were driving.

But he was still there, sitting in the middle of the bench seat. Head tilted back against the seat with his eyes closed behind his sunglasses, arms above his head as he played with the wind currents like his hands were paper planes, lost in his own little world.

The dark shadows under his eyes from months of sleepless nights were lost in the bold noon day sun, and his clean shaven face looked years younger without the stubble and lines from worry and illness.

A smile as wide as the sky above them plastered across his face.

For the first time in forever, Thomas looked…well, like Thomas.

“Play whatever you want, guys," Thomas said without looking up. His too-large sleeves pooled around his elbows, and he didn’t seem to care, despite the still healing scars plainly visible. “The sun is warm. The grass is green. Today is a good day.”

[reading-renditions]

A new post was just published on Reading Renditions! Come check it out!

New Post has been published on http://readingrenditions.ca/index.php/2017/11/23/christmas-gift-ideas-electronically-disinclined/

Christmas Gift Ideas for the Electronically Disinclined

Holidays are hectic. It’s an established fact. With all the parties, get-togethers, dinners, celebrations, gift-giving, and well-wishing, it’s a wonder you even have time to sit down! Like you’ve been wanting to do since the season started.

It’s cold, dammit!

However, the most expansive time-sink BY FAR is gift-giving. Going out to all the different stores to find that PERFECT shirt or that AMAZING new game takes AT LEAST a day, maybe more if you have an extensive family. Deciding just what to get those special, gift-worthy people in your life is stressful, time-consuming, and just all-around a bad time.

But worry not!

Lucky for you, children are especially easy to divide into clean, clear-cut categories based on their interests and likes. This makes shopping for them a simple matter of knowing what the latest trends in these areas are. We’ll do everyone a favor and skip over toys, clothes, and other non-confusing options and go straight to the real head-scratcher here.

Electronics.

If you don’t know the difference between gigabits and gigabytes, why it’s RAM and not LAN, or what, exactly, a graphics card is, have no fear.

I’m here to help.

All of these gift ideas will be for the Canadian side of Amazon (except for the Google Home series), but you can easily switch over to the US side of things. Simply go up to the address bar and change the .ca to .com

E-Readers

Reading is an enjoyable past-time that many people today still find time for, even in the midst of their busy schedules. School might get in the way, work might butt in, but they’ll get back to that book eventually.

However, it can get a little tiring to lug all those books around with you. At the very least, you need to take the book you’re reading and a backup book in case you finish that one. If you’re like me, you also probably have a few others in your bag in case you get bored with the ones you’re reading.

Enter e-readers.

E-readers are a kind of tablet that have one singular purpose – reading. A single e-reader can hold thousands of books, and if you want a new one, you only need internet access to download it.

E-readers have come a long way in a short time, and there’s many different kinds out on the market. But don’t worry! Down below, you’ll see a few of my recommendations.

Kindle – The most basic option, this e-reader has all the features that make an e-reader a good gift. The screen gives off almost no glare, even in direct sunlight, and reads like paper. The battery can last weeks on a single charge, depending on the screen brightness and other options. And of course, wi-fi allows it to connect directly to the Amazon e-book store.

The screen is a bit lower quality than the other options, but that’s forgivable.

Kindle Paperwhite – In addition to no glare, long battery life, and wi-fi, this reader has a few more perks. The screen is twice as clear as the basic Kindle; that together with Amazon’s Bookerly font means that eyestrain is vastly reduced. As well, it comes with built in LEDs to light up the screen for easy reading at night. No more struggling with a flashlight!

This model is actually on sale right now. Get it for only $20 more than the basic model!

Kindle Voyage – Admittedly, this one is only a slight upgrade from the Paperwhite. Two more LEDs offer brighter and more uniform illumination at night, and the PagePress system allows you to turn the page with only a slight bit of pressure. As well, the slimmer design means it’s even lighter than the Kindle and the Paperwhite

Kindle Oasis – The all-new Kindle experience, just released this year. An inch more of screen means that you get even more text per page, and even less eye strain. In addition, this is the first model to be truly waterproof, reportedly able to survive up to 60 minutes in fresh water. No need to panic if you slip in the bath or knock over a drink.

It has 12 integrated LEDs for nighttime reading, and the 32 GB option means you can carry four times the number of titles with you. The thinnest Kindle yet, its aluminum back and strong cover glass means that it weighs less than any of the other models.

Headphones

Headphones are a mainstay for the holiday season. Everybody likes music is some form or another, and even if they (somehow) don’t, they like movies or TV or gaming or what-have-you. They’re less intrusive than speakers, and some of them come with microphones built in!

You might be asking why you should pay all this extra money when you can find perfectly good headphones at the dollar store. Well, you get what you pay for: dollar store headphones break easily and offer less sound quality. It’s like the difference between VHS and DVD; functionally the same, but inferior.

The lower price of most earbuds mean they’re better as stocking-stuffers, but headphones offer far superior sound quality. However, take note of whether the receiver has glasses or not. A lot of over-ear headphones press the arms of the glasses into the wearer’s temples, making it painful to wear them for long. Earbuds are more suited for wear with glasses, unless the headphones are loose enough to not press down.

Earbuds

MXditect 2-pack – A modest 2-pack of earbuds. The cord is covered with anti-tangle, anti-kink material, and includes a button to control calls and music as well as a slider for volume. Almost 1,000 reviews give it a solid five stars. Best of all, if you have Amazon prime you can get next-day shipping.

Aitalk E260 – For those who like to take their music on the go, these over-ear headphones keep the cord out of the way and the buds in your ears. Perfect for those that like to jog or run to music and are always complaining about their tunes falling out of their ears. Offers 2-day shipping.

SD Flayer – For something a bit pricier, these specially-designed headphones have an extra little rubber bit that braces the bud on the inside of the ear. Crystal clear sound and kink-resistant cord means only the best for your little beatmaster. Comes with a silk carrying bag and a gift box.

Shure Series – And here we have the obligatory ‘dear lord what is that price’ option, for those who were REALLY impressed by their (grand)children this year. The Shure series of earbuds are designed to slip into the ear and form a tight seal, offering noise-cancelling effects even as they improve comfort and design. The model linked, the SE215-K, features a detachable able for easy customization (but not wireless play). It also includes the option to purchase a different wire with music/call control buttons.

Headphones

Cowin E7 – Now on sale for $80 when they’re usually $200, these wireless headphones include a built-in microphone, noise-cancelling tech, and NFC pairing. That last one means you only need to bring the headphones close to the thing you’re trying to connect them to to make them connect. Handy! With 30 hours of battery life and coming in a gift box, these are perhaps the perfect gift – while the sale lasts.

E-Sports – In case the sale ends, these wireless headphones offer basically the same function with less quality. Connects easily with Bluetooth, has a built-in mic, and offers noise-cancelling effects. Free shipping, too!

Audio-Technica ATH-M50x/ATH-M40x – Both of these models of Audio-Technica headsets are on sale right now. I would honestly go with the M50x over the M40x, if only because the sale is for a lot more. Although these headphones don’t come with microphones, they’re critically acclaimed by professionals everywhere for their quality and performance. If your (grand)child is serious about their music mixing and doesn’t already have a pro setup, this is for them.

Speakers

Speakers are a must for anyone who likes music. Whether it’s to share beats with friends or to get an impromptu dance party going, no kid or adult can fail to get excited at a quality speaker. Especially if it’s wireless!

VicTsing Shower Speaker – Half off right now at only $26, this waterproof Bluetooth speaker is perfect for the kid who can’t stay away from their tunes. Of course, the shower isn’t the only place they can use it; the suction cup and built-in mic means that hands-free music and phone calls can happen in the car, while they’re doing the dishes, or anywhere else that requires two hands.

Altec Lansing iMW575 – Just because summer is six months away doesn’t mean you can’t start preparing now. On sale now for $70 off, this floating, waterproof Bluetooth speaker is perfect for pumping up the tunes in the pool. Parties, get-togethers, or even just a fun day with the family, this speaker does it all. Voice command also lets you answer phone calls hands free, without even getting out of the water.

Tsumbay – This one isn’t waterproof unfortunately, but that’s alright! With a $30 price-point and 12 modes for its LED light, this speaker is more suited to relaxing in the backyard after a long day. Play music through Bluetooth, off an SD card, or even pick up radio stations! Answering calls is also supported.

Mics and Webcams

For that movie-maker or up-and-coming YouTuber, microphones and webcams are the perfect holiday surprise. Laptop defaults don’t really cut it if you’re trying to pump out a hit YouTube series or shoot the next big blockbuster. HD quality is a must if you don’t want people to leave, and these products are the best!

Mics

Neewer NW-700 (w/ Scissor Mount) – This professional-grade mic is perfect for picking up sounds directly in front of it. Meaning, if your gift-getter is into recording their own vocals, voice-acting, or any kind of broadcast, this is for them. YouTubers, podcasters, and recording artists will all benefit from this mic. And for $20 more, you can get it shipped with a scissor mount. Easily adjust the microphone for sitting or standing, and make sure that lisping, static, and annoying white noise is a thing of the past.

Blue Snowball iCE – For something a little more portable, the Blue Snowball iCE mic is great, especially for the relatively cheap price. Clear audio for podcasts, video recording, interviews, and field work. Not intended for professional or studio quality, but for streaming games it works fairly well. It’s recommended you get a different stand though, the one that comes with it is terrible.

Audio Technica AT2020 – Currently on sale for $60 off, this mid-range microphone is another ‘get-what-you-pay-for’ type situation. This is more for music recording than podcasts, so if your intended recipient is an aspiring YouTuber or podcaster, this isn’t for them. It’s not going to win you any awards, but the sound and quality is good enough for first-time vocals and guitar recording. The only thing is, it doesn’t have a USB, so you’ll need an extra cable to connect it to the computer. You can find one here.

Webcams

Microsoft Lifecam HD-3000 – A starter model from Microsoft, this cam is slightly better than the stock cam in a laptop but not professional by any means. If your burgeoning YouTuber is just starting out or not very serious, this is the perfect model. Currently on sale for $15 off.

Logitech Webcam HD Pro C920 – An HD webcam with built-in microphones, this cam is perfect for the recorder that’s just gaining some traction with their videos but is still a long way off from going viral. Currently on sale for $40 off. If this isn’t quite enough, there are more expensive versions available on the same page, including the next model.

Logitech Webcam HD Pro C930 – Business-grade recording at 30 frames per second (only one level down from professional grade) means that this is the best model available for a recorder on the cusp of fame. Tilt, zoom, pan, and built-in mics make it the full package, and the $55 discount doesn’t hurt either.

Computer Mouse

Computer mice aren’t a very involved topic unless you’re trying to become a pro gamer. For a casual Christmas gift, the mice listed below are more than enough.

Pictek 7200 DPI – You might think that wireless is the way to go for a mouse, but that’s not always the case. When playing a game that requires quick movements like Overwatch or Counter Strike, wires make you just a bit faster. That bit is important to gamers. Trust me. With it on sale for $15 off, it’s the perfect time to get it!

VicTsing Mini – That being said, not everyone got the memo about wires. If your gift getter simply insists on wireless, this would be the way to go. Five DPI (speed) levels and cool LED lighting that comes in two colors. It’s also got noiseless clicking, which is handy when they stay up late to game. On sale for $20 off.

Zelotes 7200 DPI – Another wired option with funky LED with much the same features as the Pictek. Not just for gaming either; can be used for visual design and other artistic applications. A solid option, especially since it’s on sale for $25 off.

Digital Assistant

Digital assistants are small, mug-sized towers that sit in your home and listen for your voice. When you say the keyword out loud (OK Google, Hey Alexa), you can issue voice commands to them. They can search Google, make purchases, remind you of things, set calendar events, play music, look up the weather, and even control other smart devices in your home!

There are currently two main competitors in the digital assistant market. The Amazon Echo series, and the Google Home series.

Amazon Echo

Echo – The basic model of the Echo series, the Amazon Echo can sync up to smart devices around your home as well as other products from the Echo series. Connected to the internet, it has a slew of useful ‘skills’, such as making reminders, sending emails, and playing music off of Spotify and other platforms. It’s a perfect midway point for someone who likes music but doesn’t have a lot of smart devices.

Echo Dot – Half the size of the Echo, the only thing missing from this model is the 60mm speaker. It can still serve your needs perfectly well with the 16mm one, but the sound will be diminished and tinny. You can connect it to a speaker over cord or Bluetooth, but otherwise this one isn’t recommended for music.

Echo Plus – The Plus has all the functionality of the Dot and the Echo, but with an extra ZigBee smart home hub. This means that it’s extremely easy to connect those fancy WiFi light bulbs to the Plus. More than the other two, which require either extra apps on your phone or even additional hardware. For instance, for one of the aforementioned app light bulbs, you need a special plug off Amazon for $10.

Basically, if the person you’re buying for has a lot of wireless smart devices, get the Plus. If they like listening to music and don’t have many smart devices, get the Echo. And if they don’t have many smart devices and don’t care about listening to music out loud, get the Dot.

Google Home

Google Home – Basically the same functionality as the Echo series, but has the added benefit of belonging to Google. This means that it’s better at some things, like searching videos on YouTube, translating to different languages, using Gmail, and searching Google. Another advantage it has is native support of most smart devices, meaning that you don’t need some special plug for it to be able to control your WiFi light bulbs.

Google Home Mini – On sale now for 50% off, the only real difference between the Home and the Mini is that the volume and mic sensitivity is lessened in the Mini. If playing music and being far away isn’t that integral to the gift receiver, this one is perfect.

Roku

The Roku is small device that plugs into an HDMI port on a TV. Connected to the internet, it allows the user to watch TV shows and movies from a bunch of different sites and apps. If your gift receiver doesn’t have cable or satellite in their dorm room or house, this is the perfect Christmas gift.

There are a bunch of different models that offer crisper images, clearer audio, faster loading, or simpler controls, but the basic model can be found here.

Keurig

Aaaah, the Keurig. My favorite non-computer electronic in the entire apartment. Keurigs are a line of one-cup coffeemakers that use a pod-based system. You buy K-Cups from retailers, put one in the machine, fill with water, and press the button.

Just don’t forget the cup.

There are dozens, if not hundreds of companies that have jumped on the K-Cup train. Fresh, quality coffee, tea, hot chocolate, and other beverages over in your cupboard is too tempting to resist. Starbucks, Tim Hortons, and Dunkin Donuts all have their own line of K Cups.

There are a few different models of Keurig machines, but the functionality doesn’t really differ between them. The only thing that changes is how often you need to refill it and the customization options. Some have ways to change the strength of the brew, some have screen displays. They all brew coffee.

Here they are, in order of cost.

K15 – On sale for $20 off; smallest reservoir and no extras

K50 – On sale for $30 off; slightly bigger reservoir

B130 – On sale for $50 off;  desk version, brews only one cup before needing more water

K200 – On sale for $30 off; bigger reservoir, small greyscale touch screen, coffee strength control

K425 – On sale for $20 off; large reservoir, small color touch screen, coffee strength control

K525 – Huge reservoir, large color touch screen, coffee strength control

If these are too pricey, or they already have a Keurig, consider buying them some accessories. Reusable K-Cups, a drawer for their different coffees, or a coffee sampler pack are all amazing gifts on their own.

Amazon Gift Card

If you absolutely cannot figure out if they’d like any one of these gifts, an Amazon gift card in a nifty Santa tin is acceptable. It’s an easy way to allow them to pick out what they want. And with quick shipping, it’s like they got it for Christmas anyways!