#it's just gonna be me going on a tirad about Disney's “The Wild”

[beneathshadowsgossip]

Okay, folks. The moment you’ve all been waiting for… My take and observations on our recent Halloween Shit Show. Or event. Whatever ya’ll think makes the most sense. From my perspective, the planning committee did a shit job at security and quality control. But whatever, I’m just the guy who rants about shit. Let’s get on with it.

@nickk-robinsonn got lost in the corn maze with several people.  Makes you wonder if he was doing that intentionally or if he was just that bad at directions. He was spotted bickering with @josephinevidales about plowing through the corn stalks and eating raw corn. I thought they were flirting but now this has got to be some weird fetish stuff.

@astridofthemoon got her flirt on.  Even if it was a love potion we like seeing her loosen up.  She was seen flirting with Grace, Tae, Griffin, Sophie, Gianna, and Nova.  Seemed to have paid off given she was later spotted making out with @flaminghot-taechos.

@kelsiewoods bragging about getting her man and seems absolutely addicted to apple cider.  Sweetheart you better chill on that or people will pick up on the cravings before your even on Bump Watch.  Though I guess we can give you a pass now that @armstrong-james went and made you a widow.  Is there a word for a woman after her fiancé dies?  

Speaking of awkward, Kelsie’s ravings about her engagement fell on realistic ears when she gushed to @giannasalsbury​. The practical pastry chef had a few choice thoughts about the rushed engagement but maintained a supportive and practical view. Turns out this Brit can cook up up some pretty good advice!

@goodsign-adam was out here ‘judging’ pumpkins. Someone get this man a child already.  He’s too cute with the kids not to have several.  I mean, who else but an absolute #daddy would spend so much time giving out participation ribbons for those little soul suckers? Though, it did make me one of my own when he introduced his young Padawan-learner, @sirenselene, to his student. The girl freaking thought she was a Disney Princess and I mean, can you blame her? I want kids to adore me like they adore Selene.

@isabel-han and @amarikeita both impacted by the tainted blood in different ways.  The wise one falling ill for the first time in centuries while the baby vamp let the blood lust lose (ouch, that;s gotta hurt @flaminghot-taechos.)  Was it just the Princess’ age and tolerance that kept her in control or was something else at play?

Luckily, before her bloodlust took over, a truth serum seemed to with @isabel-han and @novathompson, who seem to be rekindling their friendship after Issy’s hiatus post-turning. Maybe Isabel will finally confess the other things she’s been tucking away in her closet? I just hope these too watch Riverdale together like old times.

@galexwilliams doesn’t understand that without all the pieces a costume is ineffective. Gotta say, clever historical references will still give you a win in our book.

@eve-martin and her adorable little son were spotted hurling hex bags at unsuspecting homes.  Seems like the Dean has a wild prankster streak no one expected.  Though who takes a baby on a covert pranking mission?  Next time, get a sitter. Seems like she’ll definitely consider it, given @gracexkline stumbled upon their little tirade.

@alisonhashart might be developing a blood kink.  Or a vampire kink?  At the urging of @ninaskal.  Looks can be deceiving when it comes to Little Miss Innocent.

@pastor-silasbahar Silas Silas…what are we going to do about you?  Dancing around like it’s the end of supernatural days and taunting poor @caitlxn-dunmxre?  We get it,@greysonxblake had to help you clean up the church, but if there’s no supernatural anymore what are you gonna do about that boner that seems to develop by being in Amari’s mere presence.

Resident uncontrolled-harpy, @chloexbarnett played it safe during the festivities, opting to stay indoors. I just hope she bought plenty of candy to pass out to those trick-or-treaters.@timid-amrala followed suit, and took the event as an opportunity to research her family’s secret heritage. Let’s hope she uncovers the secrets her mother kept that got her sent away into the list of ‘unsolved disappearances’ many supernaturals seem to be facing.

@griffinwest whipped out the potions the Twilight Zone has been working on all year, spilling some trade secrets to those who would listen. He even offered some off-the-menu items that even had me intrigued. I wonder, do they really call that Confidence Booster the Yeezy? Because that’s just genius.

Good Samaritan and detective @detectiveharper was busy doing good deeds left and right. Did no one tell her it was Mischief Night? She helped clean the church and even stopped to help suffering vamps during the strange epidemic that took over during the event. Give this girl a badge of honor.

@andreaxnoles was among the first in the pack to sense the disturbance in the force (sorry, can you tell I’m a Star Wars guy?) when baddie @skylar-monaghan brought down her mighty Alpha. Let’s see how she handles the shift in pack dynamics.

Whooooooiiiiiieeeeeee. Looks like it was another chaotic Halloween Event this year folks. What did you expect? It’s Halloween in a town with supernaturals and humans running amuck. I for one, am retiring to my place to eat Halloween candy and binge-watch the Disney Channel Halloweentown series and pretend none of this happened.

Okay, that’s a lie and ya’ll know it. Send me any dirt you scooped up between running from hungry vamps and trying not to drown in the lake. I want the 411 on budding relationships, contention between friends and rivalries, and secrets folks want to remain hidden. It’s Halloween and that’s my real treat.

[murfeelee]

Bang, Marry, or Kill: Disney Princes

I was organizing my downloads from @silsharkie84’s Disney uploads, and it got me thinking about a conversation I had with someone once about which Disney princes I’d Bang, Marry, or Kill.

And since I have nothing better to do with my life, I decided to make this post.

KILL

Let’s just get the annoying ones out of the way. I would totally kill, because these guys got on my g-d nerves:

10: John Smith (Pocahontas) - freaking bigot. Totally foreshadowed Mel Gibson’s racist-a** tirades. Not only that, but they completely romanticize his story and his FACE, cuz RL John Smith was NOT that fine. At all. I’d totally Marry John Rolfe though; I liked the sequel, I don’t care. At least Pocahontas actually married Rolfe IRL. I doubt she and troll-face Smith were banging IRL though. Unless he raped her, which wouldn’t surprise me. Anyway, he’s not even royalty! He and Pocahontas didn’t even stay together in the cartoon, why is he considered a Disney Prince, the hell?

9: Prince Charming (Cinderella) - the man was useless. His castle’s the most interesting thing about him -- and everyone calls it Cinderella’s Castle anyways, so nya-nya. Freaking tool. I mean, how are you so “in love“ with this chick, yet you don’t even BOTHER with asking her name, her address, her zodiac sign...NOTHING. A few dances and you know you don’t know the first thing about Cinderella, but you wanna marry her? Then you couldn’t even be effed to hunting her down yourself -- as if she’s the only wench in the kingdom who wears Size 6 shoes. Would’ve served him right if Lady Tremaine’s feet fit in them just fine! XP (I LOVE Shrek’s Prince Charming though! Totally Bang him! XD)

8: Naveen (Princess & the Frog) - jfc, I’d take Dr. Facilier over this guy; Keith David’s the best. Disney just HAD to go and make their first black human prince an idiot though. Yeah, Naveen’s hella pretty, but he’s broke, shiftless, a frikkin frog for a good chunk of the movie, and did I mention he’s an idiot? I see you, Disney. <_<

HONORABLE MENTION: Prince Hans (Frozen) - THIS SNAAAAAKE! Omg I did NOT see that coming! I would have MARRIED him! Omgomgomg; that was the best part of the whole show, next to that song people won’t let go of. (Pfft) I don’t like Kristoff at all, but THIS mofo...? KILL. On SIGHT. Before it’s too late!

Bang

7: Eugene (Tangled) - possibly the funniest and most fully realized prince (consort) Disney ever made. But the man’s a total clown. I could never take a guy like that seriously. I’M a total clown! I know clowns when I see them! We’d probably have some booze-induced romp and wake up hungover the next day, freak the eff out, and solemnly vow to NEVER mention what happened for as long as we both shall live, amen, pass the toothpaste.

6: Prince Eric (Little Mermaid) - Eric is actually the hottest Disney Prince -- MALE, Period -- I think they ever made. Totally swoon-worthy. And his castle is swaaanky~! But ISTG this Judas has zero sense, and is just as vapid as Prince Charming. You were barely conscious and this girl dragged your guppy butt out of the freaking ocean, and you barely got a good glimpse of her, but you’re ready to devote the rest of your useless life to finding her, rather than getting with the perfectly adorable (though albeit mute) chick WHO IS THE SAME REDHEAD YOU’RE LOOKING FOR YOU BLIND FOOL?!?! Omg spare me. Ursula/Vanessa didn’t even have red hair! So, yeah, he’s an idiot. But a hot one. 10/10, would do again.

5: Prince Ali/Aladdin (Aladdin) - if you’re gonna be a broke street rat, at least be the best street rat, y’know? Aladdin was probably the smartest Disney prince EVER. A bit of a liar, so we’d have to work on that “Do You Trust Me~~” shtick, but yeah. He just had a rough life (thanks to his jerkface SEXY BAMF daddy, Cassim, the King of Thieves, who I would immediately Bang, but not Marry, since Cassim ditched his wife to go treasure hunting and she died and Aladdin had to grow up an orphan all those years, the eff, frikkin scrub). But Aladdin’s freaking cute, so if I was some lonely street ratress I’d tap that. Even though I was squicked out when I heard that Disney based Aladdin’s face on Tom effing Cruise, which made me vomit a bit in my mouth. But yeah.

HONORABLE MENTION: Phoebus (Hunchback of Notre Dame) - He’s not a prince since Esmeralda’s not a princess, but he was hot, and up until Tangled I thought he was the funniest love interest Disney had. I loved his antics with his horse Achilles, and his general reactions to the shenanigans going on in that abysmally underrated show. I can’t decide if I’d just Bang him or Marry him, cuz he made me feel so bad for Quasimodo, who I would certainly Marry. But Phoebus is definitely getting Banged.

MARRY

4: The Prince (Ferdinand/Florian) (Snow White) - The original True Love’s Kiss. We know next to nothing about this dude and his magic lips, but you know what? The woodland animals liked him, and the dwarves liked him (and they hate everybody), and Snow White liked him, so I like him too. And he dressed really well, so he was probably loaded.

3: Prince Phillip (Sleeping Beauty) - I know Sleeping Beauty’s my favorite Disney film EVER, but Phil only barely gets a pass into my Top 3/4, and that’s mostly because 1: anyone who can defeat MY BISH Maleficent is a BAMF, and 2: I liked his scenes with his horse Samson -- which were interestingly enough lampshaded with Eugene and Maximus, AND Phoebus and Achilles -- I see you, Disney! But other than that I thought he was just alright. I didn’t hate him. And 3: I love his impromptu “duet” with Aurora in Once Upon a Dream; dude could sing.

2: The Beast/Prince Adam - I'm just gonna come out and say it: Is it just me, or was this dude sexier as The Beast than he was as a human? O_O

Awwww yeeeah.... I’m sorry, maybe I need to pray for my soul a little bit, but I’m just saying. Beauty and the Beast might just be the greatest Disney cartoon of all time, IMO. The Beast was freaking COOL, fighting packs of wolves and nonsense to save his bae. Also, his castle was THE BEST. Oh, so Cinderella’s castle has a ballroom -- EFF that wack-a** ballroom! The Beast’s was WAY better! It’s GOLD PLATED! He’s got enchanted servants on standby and feasts with FRENCH CHEFS and everything! Not to mention, it’s got a LIBRARY. AND there’s a dungeon. Talk about GRAVITAS. The Beast would totally go medieval on someone, I love it. Belle’s over there crying and mess. I’d be like HALLELUJAH, such a step up from Gaston~~! ^0^ The wild part is that apparently the whole story is supposed to symbolize arranged marriages, where the bride is terrified of her seemingly “beastly“ stranger of a husband, but over time gets to know him and realizes he’s not a complete and total douchelord. Just 75% douche and 25% lord. Which is way better than Gaston’s 100% doucheness, amirite.

HONORABLE MENTION: Kocoum (Pocahontas) - I kid you not, I rage-cried when Kocoum died. This SEXY HALF-NEKKID WARRIOR WITH TATTS OMFG TAKE ME NOOOW! Pocahontas was a complete IDIOT; I’d Marry his #FOINE behind and give him an effton of babies! Sexy warrior babies! *shrill battle cry* That was the most aggravating death ever, Disney. What a waste of good genes.

#1: LI SHANG (Mulan) - I would bite this man. I bought that crappy straight-to-video sequel just so I could keep staring at Li Shang, I’m not even lying. He was fully realized, hot as all get out, could kick the tastebuds out of the Huns, had THE BEST SONG Disney ever gave a dude, and I’m sure I said he was hot, right? Well, it bears repeating. Marry. Wed. Espoused. Eloped. Mated. Bonded. Holy Matrimony. SINFUL Matrimony. Everything. We’re doing it all! SIGN. ME. UP.

Lawd have all the mercy. Make whatever you frikkin want out of me, Shang! (*3*)/

So, how about y’all? Which cartoon characters are y’all pervving over?