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crushedbyhyperbole · 4 years

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Beyond Broken - Chapter Seven

Chapter Summary: We learn about the argument Jess had with David, and how he'd been a spectacularly bitchy arsehole, and how Jess felt about kissing her lonely man for the first time. The misunderstandings start to surface for both Jess and Thor/Don. This chapter covers the events at the end of the previous chapter from a different perspective, and with additional info.

Words: 2.6k

Warnings: Angst, emotional hurt & distress, crying, a really mean argument happens, sexual attraction, soft Thor, first kiss, morale dilemma, guilt, bad language. There’s a lot of angst in here so please beware if you’re triggered by guilt and emotional distress.

Falling

Jess wasn’t thinking straight when she kissed Don. Her emotions were running high and her brain had practically disengaged but, in the moment, it had felt wonderful and so very right. Now, afterwards, rushing away with the tears of rejection stinging her eyes she felt scorned and shameful. Everything had been going well until suddenly it wasn’t.

When she’d met David that evening he’d been different, cold even. She recalled their conversation.

“Can you cover for me tomorrow? I want to spend some extra time with Silas.”

“It’s Sunday,” she’d said, “can you not just tell Bill that you’re meeting a friend from work?”

“He knows I don’t go out with people from work.”

“What about when he’s at his survivors’ group?”

“Too early.” He sighed angrily. “C’mon, Jess, it’s one extra day. I never ask you for anything.”

She scoffed at his audacity.

“You ask me for things all the time.”

“Like what? Name one thing I’ve asked of you before this.”

“Are you serious?” She was dumbfounded. “Am I imagining that I meet you 5 days a week to walk your dog while you go get your asshole drilled by a married man, and keep it a secret from your homophobic father?”

“I can’t believe you’re being this selfish.” He spat.

She actually laughed at that remark. How could he ever call her selfish and ever be right.

“It’s my fucking birthday tomorrow, David, or did you forget? And My friends from work are taking me out for dinner and a few drinks. I apologise if that doesn’t fit in with your designs for my time.” Raised voices on a public street weren’t the best for privacy but at that point she was so angry she didn’t care who saw or heard. “And how dare you! You don’t get to stand there and call me selfish. Not when I do every goddamn little thing you ever ask for and a whole bunch of stuff you drop hints about but never actually do me the courtesy of asking. I volunteer for them because you’ve been through a lot and you’re Will’s brother.”

Her tears had started flowing around about the middle of her little rant. Why was David being like this?

“I’m surprised you remember who he is to be honest.”

“What the fuck does that mean? Do you think you’re the only one who misses him. That you’re the only one who suffered when he died?”

“It means that I know about that guy you meet over there in the park while you’re sooo innocently walking Daisy. It hasn’t even been a year since Will died and you’re already looking to get with someone else. It’s disgusting. You wear his ring and flirt with other men. You’ve got no decency.”

“I haven’t flirted with anyone. Don is just someone who goes to the same spot I do to watch the ocean.” She couldn’t believe what she was hearing. While Don had grown on her over the months, and yes there was something about him that really appealed to her, she’d never encouraged him or acted on any feeling she might have had.

“Don.” He sneered. “I bet he’s been in my brother’s bed already.”

“Careful what you say next, you’re in no position to lecture me about morals. And for the record it’s been fourteen months and eight days since D-Day. I know exactly how long I’ve been without Will.”

“You promised him when you got engaged that you’d look after me if anything happened to him or dad. Have you forgotten that or do you just not care about my happiness?”

“Give me the goddamn dog leash.” She hissed at him. “You better find someone else to keep your secrets and run around after you because I’m done now. I’ll take Daisy home to your dad after her walk, and you can find your own way home.”

She glowered at him, watching his bitterness flare into hatred.

“You shit on the memory of my brother like this and think I want anything else to do with you. He should never have started dating you, you’re nothing but a selfish bitch. It should’ve been you that died, not him.”

Jess’s tears were flowing like twin rivers down her face, and a tight knot had formed around her heart. She couldn’t breathe.

“Those fucking Avengers probably did him a favour letting him die so he could get away from you.”

The noise her hand made when it contacted his cheek was what made her realise she’d swung for him. The loud crack shocked her, stilling her tears, replacing fury with resolve.

Jess turned and fled, taking Daisy with her. She jogged across the street as fast as she could in her heels, never looking back. If David was shouting she couldn’t hear him, her sole focus was getting to the safety of the park. It was secluded there, and peaceful. David wouldn’t have chased her to get violent, he wasn’t like that. But then again, that person she saw just then hadn’t been David either, at least not the David she thought she knew. Don would be there at least, as a deterrent if David did follow.

His words came to her again. You wear his ring and flirt with other men. You’re a disgrace.

No matter how she thought about it, David was right in a way. She’d not left well enough alone with Don, by rights she shouldn’t have gone back to the spot they met after she realised that he was fond of her. She definitely knew he liked her and couldn’t deny it. In truth she liked him too, more than that though, he made her happy. Just talking, walking, sharing a coffee, for a few hours a day rather than spend the time utterly alone. What was wrong with that? Nothing had ever come of it. She’d made sure to keep just enough distance between them in terms of familiarity to make it clear that she didn’t want anything romantic, and Don had been the perfect gentleman. He respected the unspoken boundaries she imposed with unwavering commitment. But if she was honest with herself. Really, truly honest, she knew she’d lied to herself, for weeks now; telling herself she’d met someone who was just a friend, someone who she felt nothing for, someone who she could stop seeing if she wanted to. She could no more put Don down than an amazing book, he’d enriched her life through some of the darkest times and she knew he felt the same. The moody broody mountain of a man had shown her he was funny and kind and incredibly sensitive, and she loved that about him. The way he smiled, so big and genuine. His bashfulness and the deadpan way he joked that made her laugh until her ribs hurt. His kindness and the fact that he was chivalrous to a fault, like ancient times chivalrous. And the way he spoke, oh Jesus that voice of his, she could listen to him talk all night.

And suddenly he was stood in front of her, looking worried, with two cups stacked in one hand and his other laid on her shoulder, so gently but it weighed enough to anchor her right there in front of him.

He was asking her what was wrong and her body gave out a huge sob before the tears dammed by her resolve were loosed and free to flow. He soothed her and drew her to him where she buried her face against his chest and cried until she couldn’t cry any more. The warmth and scent of him were both soothing and alluring. The lazy circles he stroked against her back sent tingles into her gut each time his fingers trailed too close to her neck or his touch was feather-light and sensual.

Jess clung to him, feeling the rise and fall of his chest, hearing the deep bass of his voice rumble against her ear, feeling safer than she’d felt since that morning fourteen months, eight days, ten hours and fifty three minutes ago, when she realised that Will was gone forever.

Her heart was breaking all over again. This beautiful man knew nothing of her past save that she’d lost loved ones. She’d kept all of that to herself, lying to him almost. It had made it easier for her to keep that part of herself separate, distant even. But she’d been denying her feelings out of guilt.

Daisy began to get restless, bringing Jess back to reality. She extracted herself from Don’s arms, resenting the chill on her damp cheeks, and regretting soaking his shirt.

When he asked if there was anything he could do, her reply was thick and short – she couldn’t make herself say more without crying again.

Jess wiped her face with her hands, trying to compose herself. She got her breathing under control enough and slowly looked up.

He looked so worried it tugged at her heart. Standing there with one hand resting over his heart, where her face had been, the other hanging loosely at his side like he had no use for it without her to hold, he looked broken. He cherished her, she saw that. Even the ghost of her presence against his chest was precious to him and she felt the same.

Jess gasped like she’d stopped breathing, feeling a heavy, almost painful, thud in her chest. She realised in that moment that she wanted him and she wanted to be wanted in return.

He must have read her wrong because he began to apologise but she shut him down and threw caution to the wind, rushing him, laying her lips on his. He didn’t respond right away but when he did she melted against him, and got so lost in the thrill of kissing him, feeling his soft lips and tasting him that when he pulled away she was surprised.

He said something about her fiancé and infidelity and never being able to forgive himself if he carried on, and she broke again. It felt like rejection and it hurt so much it made her feel sick. After the fight with David she’d potentially ruined the best thing to happen to her in months because she was emotional and needy and couldn’t keep her lips to herself.

Before she knew it, Jess was running back up the footpath to the street and Don was calling after her.

Don’t follow me, I’ve done enough damage already. She thought. But her heart wanted him to stop her, hold her again, and kiss her. He didn’t follow.

The drive to David’s house was too quick and rather dangerous. Jess sped there, her tear-filled eyes barely saw the road and the oncoming traffic dazzled her. Bill didn’t get up from his recliner when she let Daisy in the house.

“Bill it’s Jess, I’m dropping Daisy off for David, he’s had to go see a friend urgently. I can’t stay but I’ll call you tomorrow, okay?” She called from the front porch.

“Okay Jess honey you have a good night.”

Even after the things David said to her, she was still keeping his secret. What good was it to go ahead and ruin his happiness like that? David wasn’t the only one she would hurt, and no matter how angry or how vengeful she felt, she could not do that to William Senior.

Kicking her shoes off behind the front door, Jess flopped down onto the sofa, the wide base and length made it more like a bed than a sofa; she’d fallen asleep there many times.

Her mind reeled as she rehashed the events of the night, from David to Don; she’d made a spectacular mess of both. David had been a prize prick, she was vindicated in her reaction to his behaviour, but that didn’t mean it didn’t hurt. They’d been friends for almost ten years and had become family. Since D-Day they’d vowed never to let anything get between them, but apparently that only worked when Jess did everything David wanted.

If Will were still here, he’d tell them both to stop acting like spoiled brats and make-up. But then if Will were here, none of this would have happened, and she’d be in bed getting pampered and loved on as was birthday eve tradition in the Walker-Tanner household. Instead, she was agonising over one man and his words, and another and his lips.

Jess wondered what Will would say about Don. She knew he would want her to move on and be happy, but was fourteen months too soon? She didn’t even know exactly what it was she felt, there was something there, an undeniable attraction, a deep connection that neither of them had been able to ignore. Jess had been keeping it pushed behind a locked door in her mind, barely acknowledging its existence, but at the same time feeding it titbits of attention each time she’d met her lonely man. Each time their eyes met, each laugh and brilliant smile, each casual but rare touch, each and every shared moment had helped that feeling grow until it was now wriggling and clamouring to be free.

David had seen it in her somehow, despite being so self-absorbed, and known it for what it was; a step towards healing, a possibility of life after Will, a chance at her own happiness. Tonight, the way Don had kissed her back proved that he felt it too. If she was honest, she knew he’d liked her from their first meeting. He’d been nice about it, patient in a way, and content with what they had because he sensed it was all she could give him. As their relationship had grown he hadn’t pushed but each time she’d taken a step closer, increased their familiarity or plain out flirted, he’d been right there, meeting her where she’d placed the new boundary.

She hadn’t even told him the truth, he didn’t know about Will or anything about her life before. He had been thinking the whole time that she and David were together. Don had called David her ‘gentleman friend’ and she’d assumed that meant ‘boyfriend’, but tonight he’d said fiancé.

You wear my brother’s ring, and you flirt with other men. David’s words hit her again.

Looking down at her hands she saw she’d been absently twisting Will’s engagement ring around and around on her finger. She fiddled when she stressed, she fidgeted when she was nervous, and she’d worn the ring since the day he put it on her finger and promised to love her until the end of time.

The ache in her chest grew until she could barely breathe. Gasping she got to her feet and stumbled to the bathroom to splash her face with cool water. She gripped the sides of the sink for stability whist glaring at herself in the mirror. She was a mess; swollen and bloodshot eyes, puffy red lips from where she’d chewed at them, hair dishevelled, skin blotchy. She looked sick but there was a spark there, behind her eyes. One that had been missing for so long. Even Sadie had told her she’d been looking better recently, maybe she’d been on the road to recovery and hadn’t even realised it.

Climbing into bed after her evening hygiene routine she resolved to lay her cards on the table. She’d kept it all inside for so long, barely allowing herself to live, but now she had someone to share with who truly connected with her. It was about time she told him the truth.

#thor fanfic #thor fic #thor fan fiction #thor x ofc #thor odinson #thor kiss #angst #emotional hurt #marvel fan fic #cloudy's writing #beyond broken

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ceejay1163 · 5 years

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The Teal* Bronco (*Turquoise)

First off I want to tag the amazing @aquadolan whose hilariously accurate reaction videos make me laugh cry every time I see them and makes me feel like we are experiencing the video together and having a laugh like a couple of mates despite being in opposite sides of the world.

Now for my reactions to 'Tricking my brother into thinking his car was flipped'

The ring mmhmmm just yes

The clapping tho? Not about it

Ethan has a shorter attention span then me and that's impressive

I did not pick the boys to like roller skating although they ice skate so it makes sense

Little bitch haha

I like the jumper. It looks fuzzy and cozy

How long did this take to plan? Honestly it seems like it would be taken forever

Roasting the matchingness to the car

He seems to actually be jealous that Gray's favourite car isn't the one he bought. That's adorable. Fuck I'm not even 2 mins into the video

And now the car is broken

Wait did I fuck up? Am I recording?

The gum Ethan. Eww for fuck sake mate don't be a pig.

'I have really bad attentional problems' yeah.. your English might need some work too

When's the last time I ate? -literally something I say most days

Roast him for dropping out of school and not remembering common phrases and sayings

Why do all Ethans pranks involve Graysons cars?

Also not wanting to say what time you wake up. Same

Laughing at yourself

I'm cool, I'm cool actually no I'm not

Groggy or drunk?

Slap. Pain kink anyone?

That damn projector

Air quotes

Did anyone understand the car mumbo jumbo? Like at all? Did anyone care?

Good job keeping a straight face Ethan. He won't suspect a thing.

Fun-ny

Why do boys turn everything into challenges? My nephews do it all the time

Full actor mode

Too many words in Google mate. Google doesn't care why you need a Photoshop artist

More air quotes. Except out of sync.

It's just a prank bro.

Bitter he can't go skating. Poor bubba

Morning voice half an octave lower. Yes please

Groaning. Thank you

I always end up falling asleep at least twice after waking up the first time before getting up. V relatable

Him jumping into bed to pretend to be asleep reminds me of being a kid and bolting through the house in the middle of the night after getting up to get a drink or something, trying to avoid monsters or waking up the parents

Jumpers with shorts?

He's got slippers. Awww

Realising a flaw in his plan when the car doesn't work.

Too many cars in the driveway

CRINGEY PHOTOS. WOO.

Fucking drama queen

That stupid photoshopped photo

Real us. Not actor mode us haha

Mr Dolan 😏

Doesn't analyze it too much. Good idea

He has such bloke-ish child like writing

The calf tattoo 🥺

Socks and slides Grayson? That's almost as bad as socks and sandals. Fucking hell

Love a man in light grey sweats

Run Ethan go back to bed. You're so grounded (idk)

He pulled Ethans hip so hard. Jesus

What is that bike thingy in the background?

WHO DOESN'T LOCK THEIR FUCKING CAR??? YOU FUCKING IMBECILE

Now Gray let's put on our big boy thinking caps. It's not Ethans fault. Entirely. You also didn't lock the fucking car

Booty 👀

Not knowing if you have insurance. Mate you should look into that. (Also a very me thing to not know)

Gray is loosing it. Like actually looks like he's gonna do the frustrated crying thing

"That's not chill you need to fix that." Pretty sure sleeping is pretty chill. Also how does one fix being a heavy sleeper (other then by having kids)

"You need to be able to wake up in the morning and get shit done" no need to call me out like that

Let me call the *mumble mumble mumble*

It's fucking turquoise- whelp fuck have to change the title

Who steals a turquoise car at 9am? He's loosing it

Awe he doesn't want people to get hurt. Cutie

Seriously why hasn't he called the police yet? When I got home from my nanas funeral to find my house broken into the first thing I did was call the cops. And then cry cos it was like 10pm and I'd just driven like 12 hrs so I was hella tired

He's V loud. And then V quiet.

You motherfucker. Ok rude but understandable

That sigh of relief and the laughter

All of the adrenaline just left Gray immediately. Also hiding under a blankie? adorable

"Where did you put it?" Immediately forgets haha

Did you ruin it and turn it pink or something? You're getting a rep E and why does Gray assume it would be painted pink?

The sound effect over Gray pulling up his pants to hide his plumbers crack 😂

You need to rub it out. I mean ok sure

"I kinked up bro" just why 😂

Slap. SPINNING. It's a theme park ride

You stole my car- Dude where's my car movie anyone?

Car upside down you say? Forshadowing

Grayson gives up on life.

Nope never mind he's dramatically throwing himself onto the bed and screaming into the blankets like a teenage girl

Also booty

FROG

Don't dance Grayson

It's all in the puff bro

Mr Dillon, not Dolan, Dillion

Grayson has left the building look

Nose boop

The eye movement. Wait you what?

Beard pulling

Give me the phone. No you are having the phone. Ok fine.

Intense eye contact for real tho

That dumbass look on his face. Grayson is shooketh to hell

Do they even understand any of this car mumbo jumbo? Does it even make any sense?

I don't know shit about insurance. Seriously dude that's not smart

MY CAR

That's not chill bro that's not chill at all. Putting them on a ban for the words chill and bro. More to be added. They use those words more then I use the word mate and that's impressive

I'm taking the phone and subtly suggesting human error (negligence) and a potential law suit

Oh you have footage? Talk to my older brother

I don't know much about cars. Dude

More stupid looks from Gray

I don't wanna see it

More screaming

More yelling Grayson

We can move your car but it's gonna cost you more money

Not falling for that pic

Just put it on the next one. Gray it's not a fucking bus. There's no schedule to have the next one come out. Use your head darlin'

More yelling in the car and swearing

How did he organise the street thing? Like actually.

Also surely it's illegal to pretend to have roadworks and fuck up traffic

VROOM. You go lil blue car

BULGE 👀 this is when I stopped paying attention the first time I watched it.

What is the camera guy (kyle?) wearing? Who said that be one were allowed to be a thing again? I'm not impressed

Grayson is v frustrated

DON'T LITTER

Neither of you should be allowed to dance. Its not good

That's the wrong question to ask about the camera guy's clothes

Fist clap

Wait where's the car? Is it safe? Poor Gray his brain is malfunctioning

Camera goes to Grayson. Ooh look bulge. Pans away. Move back ooh bulge.

If they keep upping the ante someone's gonna get hurt

I don't know what's inside of me. Never a good thing to say

Still allergic to dogs 🥺

HOLY SHIT THAT HAPPENED

I haven't heard you scream that much for that long 👀

Grayson's pretty loud. I would like to test that. Please and thank you.

Deep breathing

SOOOO HARD. (I volunteer)

I am going to prank the actual s out of Ethan. Really taking the not swearing thing seriously huh

Sure whatever you say. He doesn't believe you'll get him back Gray. Kick his ass

Bruh

Eric deserves a medal for his phone acting. Well done faceless dude named Eric

I give up. I give up on everything. If that's not a fucking mood

Double bitched sounds like it should mean something else. Just saying

Boob caress

My guard's up. No your guard can't be up. Pretty sure that's not how it works Grayson

Just don't hurt me. Grayson is so not listening to him. He's still mad

No rules

It was fake There's no rules

Ethan being hurt Gray doesn't love his present

Still mad.

Rubs sweat all over comfy jumper. Childish

HE STILL LOOKS FUCKING LIVID.

Alrighty take three of finishing this thing. Tumblr crashed yesterday after I spent like 2 hours writing this and deleted half my comments. I couldn't finish it then cos it was almost 2am and I had work today so I redid it from like the 20 minute mark of the video. Then I saved it to my drafts And published it but it deleted the last like 5 minutes of comments so I had to redo them again. Here's hoping Tumblr sorts it's shit out cos it's late and I have work again tomorrow. 🐨

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marvelousbirthdays · 7 years

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Happy Birthday, donttouchthebrokentoaster!

May 27 - "Were you dreaming about me?" Wintershock for @donttouchthebrokentoaster

Written by @ibelieveinturtles

Mended Dreams

-~-

As usual, it's all Tony's fault. Darcy's happily minding her own business helping Jane make repairs to one of her doodads, when Tony waltzes into the lab demanding a tribute - what he actually means, is that he wants a volunteer - to help test out a new interface that he's been developing to use with Friday.

Somehow, Darcy ends up with the job, and half an hour later, she's sitting on a stool with a little button-sized device stuck just in front of her ear. It's actually not as scary as she thought it was going to be. She's not sure how it works, but somehow, the little device taps into her auditory nerve, and it seems like Friday is right in her brain. Or ear. It’s kind of weird at first, but once she gets the hang of it, it quickly becomes second nature.

She’s in the middle of telling Tony what's happening in a room two floors up, when Bucky Barnes wanders in on one of his daily tours. She likes Bucky. She likes him a lot. He's quiet most of the time, but she's seen him open up often enough to know that there's a smart, sweet, funny man underneath the sad, withdrawn exterior. It doesn't hurt that he’s also incredibly easy on the eyes.

She's made a point of always including him, no matter what she's doing. There are some things he prefers to watch from the sidelines, but other times, he joins in with enthusiasm. She and Jane have both noticed that he makes a point of visiting the labs at least twice a day and Darcy even uses his visits as a timekeeper some days. He's not the only person who pays them regular visits, but he's the most reliable.

She waves him over with a smile. "Hey, Bucky! I'm talking to Friday. It's like she's right in my brain!"

He strides through the lab, and leans in for a closer look.

"Sounds a bit scary to me, Darce. Are you sure it's safe?” he asks.

"So far, so good," she replies.

She holds her hand out to him but at the very moment the fingers of his left hand touch hers, the little button sparks, and she feels a zip of electricity flash between them.

"Ouch!" She snatches her hand back, shoving the stinging fingers in her mouth. “Oops, sorry.”

Before Bucky can answer, there's a funny noise behind them, and Jane utters a quiet ‘oops,’ as she dives for the floor. Bucky reacts almost as quickly, grabbing Darcy around the waist as he dives for the floor, but the shockwave of the small explosion is more powerful than it should be, pushing him off balance, and she hits her head on the corner of a bench and blacks out.

-~-

She's standing in the middle of a road. It's a long road, and it stretches out into an empty plain. Okay, when she says empty, she means there's no buildings or people or other things that indicate civilisation. There's plenty of trees, and bushes, and flowers though. They're quite pretty, and very colourful. She turns around, and she's surrounded by buildings. She stares for a moment, then shrugs and starts walking. The road seems to glide under her feet, and there's music playing somewhere. The sky is the perfect shade of blue and birds are flying in and out of the trees. She turns a corner and there's a house in front of her. And standing in front of the house is Bucky.

“Well, hello, Soldier,” she says happily, and he turns around, surprise evident in his face.

“Darcy? How did you get here?” he asks her.

“Uh, it's a dream, dude. I just… appeared. Like you did just then.”

He gapes at her for a moment, and then, with a little shake, he moves towards her, hand held out hesitantly. It's his left hand and-

“Okay, that's different,” she says. “I always dream you with that sexy metal arm, not a flesh one.”

“What?” he's definitely startled now. “You ‘always’ dream me?”

“Well, not always, but a lot. You're not usually this chatty in my dreams, either.”

“This isn't your dream, Darcy.” He shakes his head slowly, but he's smiling. “This is my dream. I've been having it for a long time now.”

“Really?” She looks around. She doesn't really understand why her dream Bucky is claiming this as his dream, but she's willing to go along with it for now. “It's a pretty impressive dream then.”

“It hasn't always looked like this,” he says. “It used to be a lot more… desolate.”

“Really? What happened?” she asks curiously.

He looks around for a moment, and then smiles at her. “Friends happened.”

She smiles back. “That sounds really nice. Wanna tell me about it?”

They sit down on the front porch, on a wicker loveseat that she's sure wasn't there when she first saw the house. He's holding her hands in his, staring down at their entwined fingers.

"I started dreaming this place not long after I broke away from Hydra. It was empty back then. A dark, lonely place with nothing but broken buildings and a dead, shattered landscape. It was like that for a long time.”

“It started to change when Steve and Sam found me, and brought me home. Steve brought colour into the world, Sam, Natasha, and Clint brought the birds and the insects.”

“I can see how that relates. What about the trees? Who brought the trees?” she asks.

“I'm not sure actually,” he replies thoughtfully. “But you brought the flowers,” he says softly. “And the music, and the kitchen, and the books and the sun room,” he finishes in a rush.

“Wow - I brought all that?” She's impressed with herself, although it kind of makes sense, because no matter what he says, she's still convinced it's her dream, not his.

“You did. Jane brought the stars though.”

“Stars?” she looks up automatically, and even though it's the middle of the day, it's dark, and the sky is filled from horizon to horizon.

“Ohhhh,” is all she can say.

“Yeah. That's what I thought too.”

It's quiet for a while as they stargaze, and then he squeezes her hand.

“Do you… would you like to see inside the house?”

“Yes,” she says eagerly. “I would like that very much.”

She explores the house enthusiastically. The kitchen is everything she could ever want, the sunroom looks just how she described it to Bucky last month, and all the books in the bookshelves are ones that she's either loaned or recommended for him.

And then she finds the locked door.

“What's in here?” she asks.

“I don't know, it's always been locked,” he says, just as she grasps the handle, and… the door opens. His jaw drops.

She looks at him. “It's not locked now. Wanna take a look?”

She pushes it open and after a small hesitation, he follows her through.

-~-

She can hear Bucky calling her name as she regains consciousness. Her head hurts, and Jane is talking but she can't concentrate on what her friend is saying.

“Jane?” she groans. “I hadda weird dream… such a strange dream.” She turns her head to see Bucky climbing to his knees beside her. “Bucky? You, you werein m’ dream. You had… your arm … showin’ me a house. Witha- witha roominnit.” She's having serious trouble wording, and her head won't stop swimming.

“Hey, it's okay, I know,” he says softly, and smiles as he puts shaky arms around her. “You gave me flowers.”

She gives him a funny look.

“Wait, you told me that, in the dream,” she says. “And that Jane gave you stars.”

“That’s right, she did,” Bucky said softly. “What about… you said there was a house? And a room?”

“Yeah. A room with… ohhh,” she looks away as she remembers what she saw in the room.

“Darcy,” he says softly, “Can I ask you - what did you see in the room?” and she can hear the hope in his voice.

“There were pictures on the wall…” she says carefully. “And a bed. And…” She looks back at him as she remembers what else was in the room.

“What else was there, Darcy? Do you remember what you saw?” Bucky is looking at her so intently that she almost forgets to breathe. How does he know? Unless…

“Bucky,” she says slowly. “Was that my dream or ... it was your dream, wasn’t it? Were you dreaming about me?”

“No, I wasn’t dreaming about you,” he says. “I was dreaming with you. We were dreaming together.”

#Wintershock

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hellyear86-blog · 5 years

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I Stopped Saying Sorry for One Week—& Honestly, It Felt Great

In C'mon, It's Just 7 Days, members of the Food52 team share what it was like to take on a personal challenge for one week: skipping caffeine, going plastic-free, and more. (Spoiler alert: We all survived.)

For as long as I can remember, “I’m sorry,” has slipped from my lips as easily as my name. Examples of things I regularly apologize for include: sitting down, standing up, talking too much, not talking enough, trying too hard, not giving my all, failing to ask questions, asking too many questions, and, of course, apologizing for over-apologizing.

But, after a coworker pointed out that I said I was sorry after doing him a favor a couple of weeks ago, I began to reassess.

Because, the thing is, I’m not necessarily saying it because I actually have anything to be sorry about. It’s almost always a mindless reaction—a way to dissolve tension, or to appeal to somebody else’s feelings, or to protect myself from what my anxious brain fears are mistakes I’ve made. And who knows exactly how, over the last few decades, I developed this habit. It could’ve been as a coping mechanism for my over-thinking, a means of feeling like I’m in control, or the subtle conditioning of society (or a very effective VeggieTales episode). What I do know is that I needed a change.

So, when my co-workers challenged me to try something new for our C'mon, It's Just 7 Days series, it seemed fated that I should try giving up apologizing for one week. My rules would be simple: for seven days, I’d do my best not to utter the words “I’m sorry,” or similar iterations (apologies, forgive me, my bad, etc.), no matter the person or situation. Even if I really was sorry, by stripping the words from my vocabulary, I hoped to recondition myself to be more mindful of when I actually wanted to apologize.

Well, let’s just say I got a healthy dose of that mindfulness I was after—and then some. Here are my four main takeaways from the week:

1. Think before I speak.

On the first day of my challenge, while I was volunteering at a local school, a first-grade disaster struck. A little boy accidentally pinched his classmate’s finger with his toy police car, resulting in buckets of tears on both sides. As I walked the pinch-victim to the water fountain to catch her breath, I found myself fighting back an apology. The tears sliding down her little face broke my heart, and I struggled to find a way to make her forget the hurt.

When we harm someone or make a mistake, it’s logical to apologize. But what about the moments where we witness a wrong or a person opens up about their pain? Saying sorry often feels like an answer.

Slowing down and distinguishing how I truly felt presented a slew of learning moments throughout my week. Often, I turned to a quote from Dr. Brené Brown, a research professor and best-selling author of Rising Strong, who has spent the past decade studying vulnerability, courage, worthiness, and shame.

“One of the things we do sometimes in the face of very difficult conversations is we try to make things better,” she says. “If I share something with you that’s very difficult, I’d rather you say, ‘I don’t even know what to say right now. I’m just so glad you told me.’”

This experiment made me think about the emotion I was actually experiencing in any given moment where I wanted to reflexively apologize. Was it sympathy? Empathy? Guilt? There’s no clear cut answer for how I should respond in any of those instances, but I realized that just because I feel bad about something doesn’t mean I need to apologize for it. But it also doesn’t mean I can’t help. (Or, that I can’t apologize for it, if I’ve given it some thought and that’s what I truly want to express.) What’s most important is to be mindful.

And on that Saturday morning, giving that little girl the space to be sad in a dingy hallway, being there to wipe away her tears, was the right thing. No sorrys needed.

2. It’s not just me—others apologize all the time.

As the week progressed, I realized I wasn’t the only one who chronically apologized. Everywhere I turned, I overheard someone saying sorry—to grab a person’s attention, to introduce a new topic in a conversation, to reach around a coworker for a spoon. Rather than getting directly to the point, people buffered ideas and requests and even their presences with an, “I’m sorry…”.

Like me (prior to this week), they seemed to be apologizing for things that were clearly not their fault, or so small it hardly seemed worthy of a sorry. Rather than sincere communication, their apologies felt like mindless crutches to avoid conflict.

By not responding in-kind (I found myself instead saying, “No sorrys needed! You’re fine!”), I was pushing back against superfluous apologies. Don’t get me wrong, apologies are important, but really only when they’re necessary. It’s empowering to mean what you say, to connect with genuine conversation. And as my experiment progressed, it wasn’t enough for me to stop apologizing; I wanted others to fight against too many sorrys, too.

3. Take the opportunity to say thank you.

Confession: not apologizing didn’t take away my guilt. I still felt bad when I made a mistake (whether real or perceived), and struggled with what to do with the emotion. After discussing it with my boyfriend, he suggested that I look at those moments as opportunities to say, “thank you.”

“Sorry I’m late,” became, “Thank you for waiting for me.”

“I’m sorry I didn’t respond earlier,” turned into “Thank you for reminding me about this.”

“Sorry I’ve complained for an hour about my week of not apologizing,” was now, “Thank you for understanding me and helping think of alternative ways to express my emotions.”

It’s really that simple. (Also, let’s be real—it feels a lot better to thank someone than to constantly cry mea culpa.)

4. It’s ok to forgive myself.

The irony of not apologizing for a week was that I messed up. A lot. Without thinking, I’d start to apologize for all sorts of things—bumping into someone, slurping, forgetting to respond to a text, grabbing the last cookie. I’d cover my mouth almost as soon as the words came out, turning the moment into an awkward, “Sorry, not sorry!” situation. I got a lot of strange looks for seven whole days.

As the challenge went on, I had to remind myself that it was ok to slip up. For 26 years, I had over-apologized for everything under the sun, and it was understandable that I’d fall back into well-worn patterns. I needed time to unlearn, and patience when I stumbled.

Forgiving myself didn’t come easily. It still doesn’t.

Now, weeks later, I still get frustrated when I catch myself thoughtlessly apologizing. But I want to get better, and I feel like I’ve armed myself with useful strategies to make that happen. Being kind to myself—allowing for and accepting my mistakes—seems like the first step in overcoming this sorry problem.

Do you ever find yourself over-apologizing? Let me know in the comments!

Source: https://food52.com/blog/23636-how-to-stop-saying-sorry-over-apologizing-for-everything

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harborstock0-blog · 5 years

Text

I Stopped Saying Sorry for One Week—& Honestly, It Felt Great

But, after a coworker pointed out that I said I was sorry after doing him a favor a couple of weeks ago, I began to reassess.

Well, let’s just say I got a healthy dose of that mindfulness I was after—and then some. Here are my four main takeaways from the week:

1. Think before I speak.

And on that Saturday morning, giving that little girl the space to be sad in a dingy hallway, being there to wipe away her tears, was the right thing. No sorrys needed.

2. It’s not just me—others apologize all the time.

3. Take the opportunity to say thank you.

“Sorry I’m late,” became, “Thank you for waiting for me.”

“I’m sorry I didn’t respond earlier,” turned into “Thank you for reminding me about this.”

“Sorry I’ve complained for an hour about my week of not apologizing,” was now, “Thank you for understanding me and helping think of alternative ways to express my emotions.”

It’s really that simple. (Also, let’s be real—it feels a lot better to thank someone than to constantly cry mea culpa.)

4. It’s ok to forgive myself.

Forgiving myself didn’t come easily. It still doesn’t.

Do you ever find yourself over-apologizing? Let me know in the comments!

Source: https://food52.com/blog/23636-how-to-stop-saying-sorry-over-apologizing-for-everything

0 notes