#it's the 90s and they have sleepovers and share clothes and try kissing for the first time and they discover things abt themselves together

[beanghostprincess]

I can only picture transfem usopp x nami and a semi modern au. I say semi-modern because it's based in the early '90s Early 200s.

They live in the suburbs and go to high school together. Usopp moved into her neighborhood after her mom died and her dad got an office job.

nami lives with her older sister and their mom passed away as well so they're financially struggling.

Usopp is all ready out to her family and is in the middle of her transition. She meets nami when they're moving and they hit it off fast nami takes her around the town. She's introduced to some of her friends Luffy, Zoro and sanji they like her and she makes friends.

Sanji of course falls for her drowning her in affections and flirtations before being backhanded by nami.

All in all usopp is adjusting well to her new environment and she already has friends. Nami and her start to get really close and start having slumber parties and hanging out on weekends they even made friends with the foreign exchange student Vivi all three of them got close.

Vivi starts to notice the chemistry between the two girls and teases them about it (Vivi had a very short lived secret fling with nami but all good things come to an end after she had to move back home) they both brush it off as being a joke trying to hide their blush.

But they do like each other they actually really really like each other. Nami talks endlessly about usopp to her sister. How pretty her hair is She braids it herself, she always has the nicest outfits She always wears the different color bandana like how many colors does she have?? She's just so pretty She's an amazing painter and really good at photography she carries a camera her dad bought her on her 15th birthday and- She can go on and on and on until her sister interrupts her and tells her to just kiss her already.

Usopp starts hanging out with Sanji a lot more and she confesses her feelings about nami to him. (Their heart is shattered but listens anyway) she wants to be with her I mean she's so kind and funny and tough. She's so headstrong she knows a lot about money but also the weather! she wants to be a meteorologist she's just amazing, everything about her is amazing. But she feels that she can't be with her because she's trans and she's not sure if nami actually would accept her

Sanji at this point is not paying attention to what she saying, after finding out what transgender is. So you know usopp is talking about her first love while sanji is having a gender crisis in the background so she didn't really get that much advice.

During one of their slumber parties the vibe was tense and they actually did confess their view

Usopp:......... (Getting hair brushed)

Nami:............ (Brushing hair)

Usopp:............... Can I ask you something? Uhhmm

Nami:............ Yeah I noticed the bottles, it's fine My sister used to drink a lot after our mom died too.

Usopp: no.. ugh... I'm sorry about him.....*sigh*......you know what..... Transgender is?

Nami: I've heard of it. It's when people change their gender right?

Usopp: yeah........um..... I'm.................. I'm trans...........*sigh*.... I was born a boy........

Nami: oh ....oh!

Usopp: are you mad or... .. weirded out?

Nami: no..... I'm... why would I be?

Usopp: because I like you like like you ......and I don't want to make you uncom-

Nami: I like you too like like you. Who you used to be doesn't change that. I still think you're pretty and smart and talented....uh ....

Usopp: .....I feel the same way

Nami:..can I kiss you?

Usopp: ........umm... Ok.

(Nami and usopp kissing it's very beautiful and very sapphic)

Yasopp: sweetheart can you clean out the cat box in the morn- oh sorry did I walk in on something?

Usopp: Dad get out!

later that night Sanji came over realizing that she's actually a girl and they invited her into the group along with Zoro and Luffy they were bored and they wanted to crash the slumber party

This is so cute,,, I can imagine it perfectly, honestly. The vibes are immaculate. Usopp and Nami pining over each other and,,, Nami isn't really worried about being a lesbian because the friend group already knows this, but Usopp is completely insecure about telling her she's trans because if she stops liking her for this it might hurt her so much she might not even recover. But they're so comfortable around each other,, They go to school together. They walk home together. They won't stop calling each other every day. Most of the time Usopp says the others didn't want to hang out only because she wanted to hang out with Nami just the two of them. Nami kicking her feet and blushing in her bed late at night trying to sleep thinking about Usopp when she has never done that before. Recess and lunch? They spend it with the group but everybody knows they're in their own little world.

Also, Sanji having a whole gender crisis while this happens (because... She can be a girl... If she wants... She had never thought about that....) and also having another crisis because she has this huge crush on both Usopp and Nami (I am spreading the Sanusona agenda) and they're both... Going to end up dating each other... Ouch. But as long as they're happy, Sanji is happy too!

When Nami and Usopp start dating it's just so sweet. They're so happy all the time around each other. The fuzzy feeling won't go away and yet they're still comfortable doing all those things together because they were friends beforehand,,, And they cherish stuff like holding hands and kissing when their friends are with them because they aren't that comfortable doing it in public yet, although Nami has little to no shame with these things so they always end up making out somewhere public.

Long story short, the three of them end up dating at some point because I say so and my heart is begging for it. So when Sanji has the need to come out to somebody, she does it only with Nami and Usopp at first because she knows they will understand her better than anybody else. It's not like she's in a good household right now to actually socially come out entirely and her environment isn't at all healthy. But Nami and Usopp are there to help her out.

I can't stop thinking about them offering their houses most days so Sanji can sleep somewhere else that isn't her house. They let her borrow clothes and make-up and they do all the stuff Sanji can't do with other people. Since they hang out together a lot, these two end up developing feelings for her at some point and... It's time to also learn what being polyamorous is because they're gonna need to know soon.

Also, the whole 90s aesthetic is SO them. You've chosen the best time for this to happen because I swear I can imagine them like that perfectly <33

[baniigattsuu]

100 REASONS TO STAY ALIVE:

1. to make your friends proud

2. to conquer your fears

3. to see your favourite artist live

4. to listen to music

5. to experience a new culture

6. to meet new people

7. to inspire

8. to have your own children

9. to adopt your own pet

10. to make yourself proud

11. to meet your idols

12. to laugh until you cry

13. to feel tears of happiness

14. to eat your favorite food

15. to see your siblings grow

16. to pass school

17. to get a tattoo

18. to smile until your cheeks hurt

19. to meet your internet friends

20. to find someone who loves you like you deserve

21. to eat ice cream on a hot day

22. to drink hot chocolate on a cold day

23. to see untouched snow in the morning

24. to see a sunset that sets the sky on fire

25. to see stars that light up the sky

26. to read a book that changes your life

27. to see the first flowers in the spring

28. to travel abroad

29. to learn a new language

30. to learn to draw

31. to tell others your story in the hopes of helping and inspiring them

32. puppy kisses

33. kitten kisses

34. swear words, and the release you feel saying them

35. trampolines

36. stargazing

37. cloud watching

38. taking a shower and then sleeping in clean sheets

39. receiving thoughtful gifts

40. "i saw this and i thought of you"

41. the feeling you get when someone says "i love you"

42. the relief you feel after crying

43. sunshine

44. the feeling you get when someone is listening to you / giving you their full attention

45. your future wedding

46. your favorite candy

47. new clothes

48. completing goals / a milestone

49. the kinds of dreams when you wake up and can't stop smiling

50. the sound of rain

51. the feeling you get when you're dancing

52. the people who mean the most to you

53. trying out new recipes

54. the feeling you get when your favourite song comes on the radio

55. the rush you feel when you step into a concert

56. sharing your voice, talents and knowledge with the world because they're so valuable

57. breakfast in bed

58. forgiveness

59. fireflies

60. birthdays

61. realizing that someone loves you

62. spending the day with someone you love

63. eating a whole pint of your favorites ice cream

64. floating on your back in warm water, staring at the sky and thinking

65. first dates (even the bad ones make for funny stories!)

66. bonfires n smores

67. coming home to someone you love

68. singing at the top of your lungs with your friends (or on your own!)

69. cuddling

70. being wrapped up in a warm bed

71. someone's skin against yours

72. holding hands

73. road trips

74. spontaneous adventures

75. the feeling when the ocean wave rolls up and envelops your toes and ankles

76. peaceful thunderstorms

77. trips to disneyworld

78. the child-like feeling you get on christmas morning

79. the day when everything finally goes your way

80. compliments and praise

81. making someone laugh

82. taking care of yourself

83. sleepovers

84. waking up on summer mornings

85. creating

86. therapy

87. feeling like reality is finally better than dreams

88. relationships

89. friendships

90. good hair days

91. feeling confident, like you can openly be yourself

92. creating ambitions and aspirations

93. putting yourself first

94. memes and funny jokes

95. writing

96. aesthetics / visuals

97. learning to love yourself

98. falling back in love with living

99. feeling genuinely at peace with yourself

100. looking back at this moment in the future and thinking "i made it"

[kurt-nightcrawler]

How to know if the lost girls have a crush on you

𝐆𝐞𝐧𝐝𝐞𝐫 𝐒𝐰𝐚𝐩! 𝐓𝐡𝐞 𝐋𝐨𝐬𝐭 𝐁𝐨𝐲𝐬 𝐱 𝐑𝐞𝐚𝐝𝐞𝐫

Warnings: mentions of drug use and language

Word Count: 1.9k

A/N: I know requests aren’t open jddndjdj but I enjoy writing for the lost girls so enjoy!!

Darcy

Darcy is a sucker for romance

She’s a bit shy and awkward, despite her semi-scary looking demeanor 

(She’s 6’0 and has resting bitch face)

Darcy isn’t going to be super obvious or up-front about her feelings at first though

It will be the cliche “we’ve been friends for 10 years and everyone knows we like each other except us” 

Darcy will always have a hand on you. She wants to feel your presence 

subtle touches, little “pinky holding” or her playing with strands of your hair

Her poking any freckles you have when she first discovers them

You’re one of the few people she let’s mess with her hair. Which is a telling sign

“Your hair looks nice Darce” “thanks, (Y/N) did it” “oh worm? 👀” 

She loves having you run your hands through her hair, it soothes her

Sometimes, if you can’t make it to the cave— bad weather, car trouble, etc.— shell come over and you guys watch a movie together

Darcy’s got an extensive tape collection of rom-coms, so she’ll pop one into the tv and snuggle under covers with you

She’s probably going to ask to borrow your clothes if she’s “really cold” since she exclusively wears sports bras and her leather jacket

Also she likes that your sweaters and sweatshirts smell like you 

But you’ll definitely have to have been friends for awhile before she even CONSIDERS telling you how she feels

“I live forever. I have to be sure about my feelings and what if I get rejected?” “Anyone who rejects you is stupid. Almost stupid as Michelle—“ “HEY!” 

But overtime she’ll try to make things more obvious— to the point where Pauline and Marcella are teasing you both and then she kind of HAS to come clean

But you find it sweet! 

And a bit shocking, someone as powerful and strong and amazing and gorgeous as her, has feelings for YOU??? damn okay babe 

Dominique 

Dom is going to be a bit cold at first

It’s not necessarily intentional, but she just has this aura of mystery around her

Those icy blue eyes that peer into your soul

And anyway she wants to get to know what you like and if you like her

If not, she can’t exactly force you 

Cough cough Michelle cough cough

 Anyway, Dominique will try to learn about the things you like so you have something to talk about

Even if they aren’t her cup of tea. She’s a good listener and likes seeing your face light up and you so passionate about a subject/hobby

Dom is going to steal buy you things she thinks you’d like

“You said you liked cherry chapstick. I got you some.” “I got you some chips and your favorite soda in case you’re hungry” “Here. I saw this giant care bear and thought of you.”

It’s sweet, but you feel a bit flustered and embarrassed, not giving her anything in return

“Seeing you smile is enough, Kitten”

Speaking of! Pet names! 

Dominique finds using your full/actual name too personal

So if you have a nickname she’ll use it. If not she’s given you pet names— most notable are Kitten and Pumpkin

She’s not big on physical touch but sometimes she’ll put the idea of it into your mind so you want it

She won’t manipulate you, but she wants you to come to her. She’s had too many bad experiences where she confessed first, and she doesn’t want another one

So when you do finally confess to her she’s all smug and knowing

“I um… I really like you… and uh well—“ “I know.” “Oh…” “I like you too.”  “Oh!”

 Marcella

She’s going to be playful and flirty with you but quick to deny anything the other girls accuse her of

“No I don’t have feelings for (Y/N)! Shut up!” “Haha you so do!”

She’s rowdy and high energy but also more quiet than Pauline

So she’s not going to just blurt it out or recite sonnets for you

Instead she’ll give you a patch she was going to put on her jacket. Or make you a cool little pin

She’ll constantly hype you up if you’re wanting to try new fashion styles or wear something out of your comfort zone

“You look amazing! Better than any girl out on the boardwalk” “You really think so?” “I would never lie to you. Honest.” 

She’ll let you braid her hair and stick all kinds of colorful little clips and barrettes in her curls 

(I know they weren’t popular until the 90s but imagining covering her hair in hundreds of little butterfly clips!) 

Honestly she’ll be like those movie scenes where “do you like it?” *it’s hideous* “if not you don’t have to wear it!” “No. I’m never taking it off.” 

She asks you to help care for her pigeons so you guys can bond together more

“Does Pauline or Sebastian usually help you feed them?” “No. No one does. I don’t let them.” “Oh…”

If someone upsets you she's ready to go and have them as her meal for the night

Sometimes you have to stop her

“Look! Cathy from my work is a total bitch but you can’t kill her! I won’t have anyone to cover my shift tomorrow”

“Fine… You're lucky I love you”

“What?”

“What?” 

She’d probably accidentally tell you and then act like she has no idea what you could be talking about

“Well I like you too. But I dunno… Dom’s pretty cute too—“ 

“Oh that’s it!” She’s definitely smothering you in little kisses and tickling you, getting you say you’re sorry and say you think she’s the cutest

 Pauline

She’s just going to blurt it out point blank. 

Why wait? If Pauline likes someone, she likes someone! She may be immortal but she’s also immortally impatient 

She tells you she likes you so much you start to think she’s kidding

But she’s not! 

She’ll bring you baked goods edibles and take you out to concerts and maybe steal your shoelace to wear on her wrist

Sometimes you’ll have little “sleepovers” and you’ll hangout at the cave. Usually this means sharing a joint and watching her play songs on her guitar

She’s definitely not exclusively playing romantic songs for you

One night she’ll get high and just pour her heart out to you

“And I think you’re one of the coolest people I’ve ever met, and I’ve met a lot of people, babe… And sure, I’m definitely a bit ditzy but I’m not completely stupid! I know you don’t believe me, but I really really like you! I think about you a lot and I hate when you have to leave right before the sun rises. And on nights you can’t hangout with us it’s so boring! We do the same things every night, but you always make them special. I really like you babe… I really really like you…”

She’ll wanna take you out on a little date to one of the small bands playing on the boardwalk and you’ll both dance together and she’ll be real giddy and excited and probably kiss you but it’s really messy and quick because she was just so wrapped up in the music! 

 Michelle

She’s really obvious

Like, staring at you with heart eyes when she first sees you out on the boardwalk

She’ll try to not-so-subtly follow you around. She’s not being creepy, but she just wants to admire your beauty 

She thinks she’ll never see you again

Imagine her surprise when she sees you again! 

“Told you! She probably lives around town” “Shut up Sam!” 

You’ll eventually confront her and ask what her deal is

“Oh! Uh, um, well, I just— I... like... your outfit?...” 

She’s bad at coming up with an alibi

“thanks. I get most of my clothes at the thrift store away from the boardwalk. Wanna join sometime?” “Uh yeah! Sounds good!” 

She’s going to do some dumb things to impress you— racing on her bike, getting more piercings, dressing in lots of leather, offering to buy you food— but you think it’s cute

She’ll follow you around like a lost puppy at times, partially cause she’s new in town

Sam likes you though!

When you and Michelle hangout, you’ve usally got the braincell and you don’t tease Sam for liking comics so much

“No Samantha, I’m not taking you to the comic shop” “Aww Sammy I will!” “Thanks (Y/N)! You’re the best”

Honestly you knew the whole time she liked you! You had moments of doubt but she’s always so obvious about it. Once you even swore she drooled over you

A bit gross, but you were also eating ice cream so…

Visiting her at work! She’s a lifeguard down at the beach! She’s definitely trying to get you visit her ;) and go swim and sunbathe ;) maybe have her “perform cpr” on you ;)

But you’d still have to make the first move if you wanted it to go any further 

 Sebastian 

He’s got this aura of mystery around him 

But he’ll steal glances if he spots you in the crowd, thinking you’re cute

The lost girls will want him to bring you back to the cave

He will, but not for awhile

It will be small one on one hangouts and dancing together on the boardwalk 

Walking in and out of shops, saying you’ll buy things but you never will

Sebastian will offer to pierce your ears and paint your nails 

Night swimming together! 

Sebastian definitely has really floral swim trunks, almost like tacky dad Hawaiian shirt print 

He’ll do the thing where he’s under water for a long time and then jump up and scare you

Once you meet the girls you’re all playing games together like sharks and minnows, chicken

Sebastian always wants to team up with you though. Even if teams aren’t a part of the game

He likes to read. He’ll spend a good amount of time at the bookstore on the boardwalk, staying there for hours reading books, and leaving with a whole stack

If YOU have a book he wants to read/borrow he will definitely maybe leave a little sticky note in it as a thank you

“thank you! ur sweet :D <3” 

Laura will love you!! 

She’s very close to Sebastian and everyone thinks they’re siblings, and they most definitely have the dynamic 

So if Laura likes you, Sebastian will definitely like you. I mean, he already does, Laura just kind of seals the deal, ya know?

Dominique and Pauline will be the most blunt about Sebastian’s feelings for you

“He’s like Darcy. Not necessarily the most obvious but you can tell” 

“It’s so obvious. He like, talks about you all the time when you aren’t around and he’s got this real love sick look in his eyes”

Dominique is going to interrogate you to see if you’re “worthy” or not of Sebastian. 

“Sebastian is my— our friend— like a brother almost. Hurt him and I will kill you :) that is a promise” 

Once she deems you good enough she’s going to push Seb into asking you out. “You guys already go on enough ‘dates’ just make it official” “no” “-_-“ “hhh fine”

Sebastian is going to be really simple with it but also kind of coy and shy. He’s nervous. He’s much rather you asked him out or confessed your feelings but he’s willing to go first. He finds himself trying to compete and keep up with the girls. He’s the only boy, and while it may not matter he doesn’t want to seem weak and pathetic while they’re big strong vampires

Anyway once he tells you how he feels he’s all red in the face and nervous!! Poor boy

He’ll constantly ask to kiss you all the time, worried maybe you don’t want him to but you’re always reassuring “yes, Seb. you can have a kiss” “thank you” 

[sagamemes]

non-sexual forms of intimacy.   send me ‘INTIMACY +’ a number between 1-125 and i’ll write a starter or a drabble about our muses engaging in a form of intimacy outside of sexual context.   note: as the level of trust required for the things listed here varies a lot, feel free to send multiple numbers if you aren’t sure if they’ll work! bonus:   if the mun is comfortable with randomising a number if asked, state so in the tags when you reblog!

1        watching tv/movies together

2        going to an event together  ( like a carnival, festival, etc. )

3        going on dates, like to the movies or shopping

4        sharing secrets

5        hugs

6        sharing drinks

7        having a phone call

8        touching noses

9        cuddling

10      having a philosophical discussion

11      hand holding

12      sharing jokes

13      sharing smiles

14      laying your head on someone’s shoulder

15      linking arms

16      giving each other massages

17      tickling

18      playing with hair

19      scratching backs

20      tracing designs on arms

21      talking about the future

22      writing / receiving handwritten notes

23      moving your head to their chest and listening to their heartbeat

24      singing together or playing instruments together

25      dancing

26      feeding each other

27      drawing/writing on one another

28      brushing the other’s hair

29      sitting knee to knee across from each other

30      doing beauty treatments, like facials or manicures, hair dying or face masks

31      reading books together

32      take care of the other when sick

33      talking about the relationship  ( how i feel with you, how i feel about this relationship )

34      cooking together

35      head-scratches

36      hugging

37      discussions about themselves  ( like flaws, shortcomings, passions... )

38      just sleeping together

39      an actual open honest conversation

40      bathing and taking care of hygiene together

41      butterfly kisses

42      nuzzling

43      telling on-the-fly stories

44      meditating or sharing spirituality

45      grooming

46      sharing hobbies

47      studying

48      sharing personal stories

49      shaving

50      seeing each other without make-up or not all dressed up

51      moral support for major events

52      crying, sharing emotions, comforting each other

53      listening to the other’s breathing

54      camping/hiking

55      sleepovers

56      being with animals together

57      going on trips together

58      sharing clothes / jewellery / personal items

59      cleaning the other’s living space

60      going with / escorting the other to a doctor / therapist appointment

61      doing art together

62      kissing different body parts

63      making out

64      volunteering together

65      working together

66      talking about wants and desires

67      experiencing new things together

68      doing an extracurricular together

69      playing games together

70      playing sports together

71      walking together

72      being respectful and kind to one another  ( helping them do things, open doors for them etc. )

73      sharing responsibilities  ( chores, babysitting etc. )

74      giving each other presents, special things from the heart

75      talking about each other's boundaries

76      public displays of affection

77      grooming in front of each other

78      wrestling or play fighting

79      texting / talking online

80      looking in each other’s eyes

81      complimenting each other

82      falling asleep over skype or chat

83      making faces at each other

84      sky watching

85      writing poetry

86      inside jokes

87      telling them how you feel about them

88      getting to know each other better

89      playing 20 questions

90      going for a ride together

91      closing their eyes and memorising each other's faces with your fingers

92      walking arm in arm

93      making a playlist together

94      making up their own words or slang

95      going out to eat

96      listing each other’s best features

97      bringing your faces close without touching and feeling each other breath

98      going shopping together

99      throwing a party or other event together

100    leaving love notes

101    exercising together

102    exchanging something meaningful

103    trying to have a whole conversation with only eye contact and facial expressions

104    sitting back to back and feel each other’s heartbeat

105    learning their favourite foods and making it

106    running errands together

107    looking at photos together

108    taking photos together

109    going people watching

110    having a staring contest

111    learning something new together

112    taking turns leading each other on a nature walk blindfolded

113    getting to know each other’s family and friends

114    drawing or sculpting each other

115    painting each other’s bodies

116    playing with kids together

117    practising a skill together

118    sharing food

119    being in comfortable clothes together

120    saying goodbye

121    touching affectionately without asking

122    touching affectionately in public

123    being partially undressed with the other

124    being completely naked with the other

125    talking about each other’s bodies

[feelsthings]

this meme isn’t reblogging correctly so here’s the full list of options! 

1        watching tv/movies together

2        going to an event together  ( like a carnival, festival, etc. )

3        going on dates, like to the movies or shopping

4        sharing secrets

5        hugs

6        sharing drinks

7        having a phone call

8        touching noses

9        cuddling

10      having a philosophical discussion

11      hand holding

12      sharing jokes

13      sharing smiles

14      laying your head on someone’s shoulder

15      linking arms

16      giving each other massages

17      tickling

18      playing with hair

19      scratching backs

20      tracing designs on arms

21      talking about the future

22      writing / receiving handwritten notes

23      moving your head to their chest and listening to their heartbeat

24      singing together or playing instruments together

25      dancing

26      feeding each other

27      drawing/writing on one another

28      brushing the other’s hair

29      sitting knee to knee across from each other

30      doing beauty treatments, like facials or manicures, hair dying or face masks

31      reading books together

32      take care of the other when sick

33      talking about the relationship  ( how i feel with you, how i feel about this relationship )

34      cooking together

35      head-scratches

36      hugging

37      discussions about themselves  ( like flaws, shortcomings, passions… )

38      just sleeping together

39      an actual open honest conversation

40      bathing and taking care of hygiene together

41      butterfly kisses

42      nuzzling

43      telling on-the-fly stories

44      meditating or sharing spirituality

45      grooming

46      sharing hobbies

47      studying

48      sharing personal stories

49      shaving

50      seeing each other without make-up or not all dressed up

51      moral support for major events

52      crying, sharing emotions, comforting each other

53      listening to the other’s breathing

54      camping/hiking

55      sleepovers

56      being with animals together

57      going on trips together

58      sharing clothes / jewellery / personal items

59      cleaning the other’s living space

60      going with / escorting the other to a doctor / therapist appointment

61      doing art together

62      kissing different body parts

63      making out

64      volunteering together

65      working together

66      talking about wants and desires

67      experiencing new things together

68      doing an extracurricular together

69      playing games together

70      playing sports together

71      walking together

72      being respectful and kind to one another  ( helping them do things, open doors for them etc. )

73      sharing responsibilities  ( chores, babysitting etc. )

74      giving each other presents, special things from the heart

75      talking about each other’s boundaries

76      public displays of affection

77      grooming in front of each other

78      wrestling or play fighting

79      texting / talking online

80      looking in each other’s eyes

81      complimenting each other

82      falling asleep over skype or chat

83      making faces at each other

84      sky watching

85      writing poetry

86      inside jokes

87      telling them how you feel about them

88      getting to know each other better

89      playing 20 questions

90      going for a ride together

91      closing their eyes and memorising each other’s faces with your fingers

92      walking arm in arm

93      making a playlist together

94      making up their own words or slang

95      going out to eat

96      listing each other’s best features

97      bringing your faces close without touching and feeling each other breath

98      going shopping together

99      throwing a party or other event together

100    leaving love notes

101    exercising together

102    exchanging something meaningful

103    trying to have a whole conversation with only eye contact and facial expressions

104    sitting back to back and feel each other’s heartbeat

105    learning their favourite foods and making it

106    running errands together

107    looking at photos together

108    taking photos together

109    going people watching

110    having a staring contest

111    learning something new together

112    taking turns leading each other on a nature walk blindfolded

113    getting to know each other’s family and friends

114    drawing or sculpting each other

115    painting each other’s bodies

116    playing with kids together

117    practising a skill together

118    sharing food

119    being in comfortable clothes together

120    saying goodbye

121    touching affectionately without asking

122    touching affectionately in public

123    being partially undressed with the other

124    being completely naked with the other

125    talking about each other’s bodies

[eatpraydig]

365 day happiness challenge -

*these things are numbered by day (bc there are A Lot of them) but i’m just going to do the ones i feel like doing at the moment or happen to be doing and keep a running list of the days/what things i’ve done :)

   Day 1: Wear your favorite things.

   Day 2: Sign up for a free exercise class.

   Day 3: Rearrange your furniture.

   Day 4: Start a gratitude journal.

   Day 5: Bake a cake.

   Day 6: Have a sleepover.

   Day 7: Watch a funny YouTube video.

   Day 8: Listen to the radio.

   Day 9: Make a scrapbook.

   Day 10: Stargaze.

   Day 11: FaceTime an old friend.

   Day 12: Put your favorite photo in a frame.

   Day 13: Learn to cook a new dish.

   Day 14: Dance around your living room.

   Day 15: Host a dinner party.

   Day 16: Go to your local farmers market.

   Day 17: Have a yard sale and earn some money.

   Day 18: Take a bath.

   Day 19: Surprise someone you love with a gift.

   Day 20: Try nail art.

   Day 21: Go on a picnic.

   Day 22: Build a fort in your house.

   Day 23: Roast marshmallows.

   Day 24: Play a board game.

   Day 25: Watch the sunset.

   Day 26: Send someone you miss a postcard.

   Day 27: Take a day off work just because.

   Day 28: Watch your favorite movie.

   Day 29: Blow bubbles.

   Day 30: Visit a museum.

   Day 31: Treat yourself to something sweet.

   Day 32: Swap clothes with your friends.

   Day 33: Post an old photo that makes you happy on social media.

   Day 34: Sing in the shower.

   Day 35: Tie-dye or upcycle a t-shirt.

   Day 36: Start a blog.

   Day 37: Give yourself a makeover.

   Day 38: Volunteer for a cause you care about.

   Day 39: Complete a paint-by-numbers.

   Day 40: Visit a local park.

   Day 41: Teach yourself how to knit.

   Day 42: Take a dance class.

   Day 43: Read a magazine.

   Day 44: Play frisbee.

   Day 45: Donate clothes.

   Day 46: Slide across the floor in your socks.

   Day 47: Go for a bike ride.

   Day 48: Write thank-you cards.

   Day 49: Jump rope.

   Day 50: Plant a garden.

   Day 51: Put together a puzzle.

   Day 52: Skip rocks at a pond.

   Day 53: Go to the aquarium.

   Day 54: Listen to a podcast about something that interests you.

   Day 55: Clean out your closet.

   Day 56: Learn how to skateboard.

   Day 57: Go to a karaoke night.

   Day 58: Pick flowers.

   Day 59: Go bowling.

   Day 60: Watch a TED Talk.

   Day 61: Make crafts and display them in your home.

   Day 62: Fly a kite.

   Day 63: Learn how to juggle.

   Day 64: Listen to an upbeat playlist. 8/11/2017

   Day 65: Do some yoga outdoors.

   Day 66: Make a memory box.

   Day 67: Play laser tag.

   Day 68: Go to a flea market.

   Day 69: Write a poem.

   Day 70: Give yourself a spa treatment.

   Day 71: Buy a small pet.

   Day 72: Meditate.

   Day 73: Play a free online game.

   Day 74: Practice origami.

   Day 75: Have a pajama day.

   Day 76: Play hide and seek.

   Day 77: Go to an animal shelter and play with some pets.

   Day 78: Get a fancy dinner at a restaurant.

   Day 79: Surprise your co-workers with a treat.

   Day 80: Browse through Target.

   Day 81: Go swimming.

   Day 82: Create a new recipe.

   Day 83: Hire someome to clean your home.

   Day 84: Do a newspaper crossword puzzle.

   Day 85: Get a massage.

   Day 86: Make a recipe book.

   Day 87: Go to the movies.

   Day 88: Buy a new album.

   Day 89: Meet a friend for a drink.

   Day 90: Make paper airplanes.

   Day 91: Get a fancy drink at your favorite coffee shop.

   Day 92: Watch a movie from your childhood.

   Day 93: Go for a run.

   Day 94: Complete a sudoku puzzle.

   Day 95: Go to the library.

   Day 96: Visit your old school.

   Day 97: Make your own pizza.

   Day 98: Have a cartoon-watching marathon.

   Day 99: Visit your family.

   Day 100: Go thrift shopping.

   Day 101: Ask a barista for latte art.

   Day 102: Trade books with a friend.

   Day 103: Go for a long walk.

   Day 104: Go to the zoo.

   Day 105: Watch a stand-up comedy show.

   Day 106: Light up your fireplace.

   Day 107: Complete a Rubik's Cube.

   Day 108: Jot down positive affirmations and tape them to your mirror.

   Day 109: Go to a playground and swing.

   Day 110: Collect shells on a beach.

   Day 111: Spend an hour on Pinterest.

   Day 112: Indulge in some selfies.

   Day 113: Watch a cute animal video.

   Day 114: Host a cocktail party.

   Day 115: Go canoeing.

   Day 116: Visit a nursing home.

   Day 117: Give a server a big tip.

   Day 118: Order your favorite takeout.

   Day 119: Camp in your backyard.

   Day 120: Press flowers in a book.

   Day 121: Buy yourself flowers.

   Day 122: Hug someone.

   Day 123: Flip through old yearbooks.

   Day 124: Get a haircut.

   Day 125: Make an inspiration board.

   Day 126: Go on a hike.

   Day 127: Snuggle a kitten.

   Day 128: Learn to surf.

   Day 129: Make homemade ice cream.

   Day 130: Chill out in a hot tub.

   Day 131: Spend a day in your favorite part of town.

   Day 132: Give your bedroom a makeover.

   Day 133: Learn a new skill though YouTube videos.

   Day 134: Go on a photography adventure.

   Day 135: Make a time capsule.

   Day 136: Send your parents flowers.

   Day 137: Perfect your hula-hooping skills.

   Day 138: Paint a wall in your home your favorite color.

   Day 139: Go roller-skating.

   Day 140: Binge on a TV show.

   Day 141: Learn a dance routine from an online video.

   Day 142: Get a facial.

   Day 143: Sail on a boat.

   Day 144: Play Mad Libs.

   Day 145: Watch the sunrise.

   Day 146: Bake cookies.

   Day 147: Fill up a coloring book.

   Day 148: Put your feet in the ocean.

   Day 149: Clean the house for a roommate or significant other.

   Day 150: Play with a baby.

   Day 151: Have breakfast in bed.

   Day 152: Enjoy coffee and a book.

   Day 153: Plan a vacation.

   Day 154: Join a book club.

   Day 155: Try out a DIY.

   Day 156: Sign up for a color run.

   Day 157: Compliment a stranger.

   Day 158: Kiss someone.

   Day 159: Visit a local beach.

   Day 160: Buy something new for your room.

   Day 161: Write a letter to your future self.

   Day 162: Make a paper fortune teller.

   Day 163: Have sex.

   Day 164: Go somewhere fancy for lunch.

   Day 165: Choreograph a dance routine.

   Day 166: Start your own YouTube account.

   Day 167: Play with puppies.

   Day 168: Forgive someone.

   Day 169: Find a new show on Netflix.

   Day 170: Make a list of things that make you happy.

   Day 171: High-five someone.

   Day 172: Buy a houseplant.

   Day 173: Cuddle.

   Day 174: Pay for someone else's coffee.

   Day 175: Look at old photo albums.

   Day 176: Write a short story.

   Day 177: Peruse a bookstore.

   Day 178: Watch the clouds.

   Day 179: Meet a neighbor.

   Day 180: Stretch before bedtime. 8/10/2017

   Day 181: Have a photo shoot with your BFF.

   Day 182: Take your friend out for a meal.

   Day 183: Don't check social media for a day.

   Day 184: Go to an antique store.

   Day 185: Dress up for no reason.

   Day 186: Tell someone you love them.

   Day 187: Sit in the sun for 15 minutes.

   Day 188: Get a manicure. 8/12/2017

   Day 189: Ride a scooter.

   Day 190: Buy a new pair of shoes.

   Day 191: Smile at a stranger.

   Day 192: Visit a rooftop bar.

   Day 193: Go skinny-dipping.

   Day 194: Pick out your Halloween costume.

   Day 195: Write an open letter to someone who inspires you.

   Day 196: Go on a Tumblr binge.

   Day 197: Get rid of something you don't use.

   Day 198: Give money to a homeless person.

   Day 199: Call your mom.

   Day 200: Have a margarita.

   Day 201: Take a family photo.

   Day 202: Draw a picture.

   Day 203: Drink green tea.

   Day 204: Dance in the rain.

   Day 205: Go paddleboarding.

   Day 206: Host a barbecue.

   Day 207: Climb a tree.

   Day 208: Turn off your phone for a day.

   Day 209: Get something that you never wear altered.

   Day 210: Make a list of things you want to do before your next birthday.

   Day 211: Make your favorite drink at home and invite friends over to share.

   Day 212: Buy balloons.

   Day 213: Make your own playlist.

   Day 214: Play cards.

   Day 215: Do something touristy.

   Day 216: Tweet at an author.

   Day 217: Have a Harry Potter marathon.

   Day 218: Get a pedicure.

   Day 219: Have a costume party.

   Day 220: Sip on a poolside beer.

   Day 221: Take deep breaths.

   Day 222: Wear sweatpants.

   Day 223: Plan a road trip.

   Day 224: Do cartwheels.

   Day 225: Make a healthy meal.

   Day 226: Download fun, new apps to your phone.

   Day 227: Make a mood board.

   Day 228: Buy a new accessory.

   Day 229: Try a new hairstyle.

   Day 230: Exfoliate your face.

   Day 231: Skip down the street.

   Day 232: Babysit for a friend.

   Day 233: Volunteer at a youth center.

   Day 234: Watch home videos.

   Day 235: Organize your pantry.

   Day 236: Blow a bubble with chewing gum.

   Day 237: Invest in quality skin care items.

   Day 238: Eat chocolate.

   Day 239: Draw on the sidewalk with chalk.

   Day 240: Set goals for the week.

   Day 241: Start a book you've been dying to read.

   Day 242: Make a flower crown.

   Day 243: Pop some popcorn.

   Day 244: Have an afternoon nap.

   Day 245: Reread your favorite book.

   Day 246: Start a piggy bank.

   Day 247: Create a collage and frame it.

   Day 248: Eat samples at Costco.

   Day 249: Subscribe to a magazine.

   Day 250: Go ice skating.

   Day 251: Attend a free concert.

   Day 252: Learn a few sentences of a new language.

   Day 253: Text your high school friends a throwback photo.

   Day 254: Put on clean sheets.

   Day 255: Join a subscription box service.

   Day 256: Buy fun, new pens that will inspire you to write.

   Day 257: Learn something new about a family member.

   Day 258: Play basketball with a friend.

   Day 259: Shake a snow globe.

   Day 260: Go skiing.

   Day 261: Freeze your favorite fruit.

   Day 262: Call your grandparents.

   Day 263: Eat your favorite childhood snack.

   Day 264: Order a pizza.

   Day 265: Buy a plant for your desk at work.

   Day 266: Get perfume samples.

   Day 267: Buy a cozy blanket.

   Day 268: Eat your favorite candy.

   Day 269: Decorate your closet.

   Day 270: Go to Chuck E. Cheese's.

   Day 271: Get yourself something special.

   Day 272: Drink some hot chocolate with extra marshmallows.

   Day 273: Play with a Slinky.

   Day 274: Watch a movie from the year you were born.

   Day 275: Declutter your workspace.

   Day 276: Go sledding.

   Day 277: Eat a burrito.

   Day 278: Write a positive review online for a restaurant.

   Day 279: Have a twin day with your best friend.

   Day 280: Make a scarf or camera strap.

   Day 281: Lick a popsicle.

   Day 282: Ride a go-kart.

   Day 283: Make a snow or sand angel.

   Day 284: Create a candy jar custom to you.

   Day 285: Go to a Zumba class.

   Day 286: Help a grandparent sign up for Facebook.

   Day 287: Buy a new outfit for work.

   Day 288: Get your eyebrows done.

   Day 289: Buy a new piece of statement jewelry.

   Day 290: Tell a joke.

   Day 291: Memorize the lyrics to a favorite song.

   Day 292: Go camping.

   Day 293: Grab some fro-yo.

   Day 294: Go to a funhouse or mirror maze.

   Day 295: Take a cooking class.

   Day 296: Have a game night with friends.

   Day 297: Get some fresh air.

   Day 298: Message a long-lost friend on Facebook.

   Day 299: Go scuba diving.

   Day 300: Talk to a co-worker you've never spoken to.

   Day 301: Try something new you've never eaten before.

   Day 302: Write down a favorite book quote.

   Day 303: Master the art of chess.

   Day 304: Listen to a record player.

   Day 305: Find a photo booth and take pictures.

   Day 306: Eat an ice cream cone.

   Day 307: Try a Spin class.

   Day 308: Wear a fun hat.

   Day 309: Listen to Christmas music.

   Day 310: Ask your friends for song recommendations.

   Day 311: Check something off your bucket list.

   Day 312: Ride a horse.

   Day 313: Have a no-electricity night.

   Day 314: Stay in bed all day.

   Day 315: Have breakfast for dinner.

   Day 316: Make out with someone.

   Day 317: Pop open a bottle of Champagne and celebrate yourself.

   Day 318: Read your favorite children's book again.

   Day 319: Go on a virtual trip via Google Maps.

   Day 320: Get a new piercing.

   Day 321: Try a new cuisine.

   Day 322: Visit a friend's office.

   Day 323: Give a friend some advice.

   Day 324: Try to drink eight glasses of water in a day.

   Day 325: Get your shoes shined.

   Day 326: Fix something that's been broken.

   Day 327: Slip into some lingerie.

   Day 328: Use a Polaroid camera all day.

   Day 329: Spoon someone you love.

   Day 330: Join a dating app.

   Day 331: Go for a walk somewhere scenic.

   Day 332: Wear crazy socks.

   Day 333: Go to happy hour.

   Day 334: Prank call someone.

   Day 335: Listen to oldies.

   Day 336: Play checkers.

   Day 337: Get coffee with an old friend. 8/13/2017

   Day 338: Play truth or dare.

   Day 339: Try on an evening gown.

   Day 340: Plan a friend's birthday party.

   Day 341: Get your makeup done at the mall.

   Day 342: Do a social media cleanup.

   Day 343: Go line dancing.

   Day 344: Get a new tattoo.

   Day 345: Treat your boss to something.

   Day 346: Watch your favorite sports game live.

   Day 347: Dog-sit for a friend.

   Day 348: Go to an art gallery.

   Day 349: Learn how to play an instrument.

   Day 350: Play a video game.

   Day 351: Get new business cards.

   Day 352: Floss.

   Day 353: Get a blowout.

   Day 354: Get your teeth whitened.

   Day 355: Wear your favorite jeans.

   Day 356: Get a box of doughnuts.

   Day 357: Buy a new phone case.

   Day 358: Put up Christmas lights (even when it's not Christmas).

   Day 359: Put a sticker on your laptop.

   Day 360: Plan a staycation.

   Day 361: Set up your planner for the year.

   Day 362: Bedazzle something.

   Day 363: Join a fantasy league.

   Day 364: Wear your robe all day.

   Day 365: Reflect on all the amazing things you did this year!

[helloamialone-blog]

How I became a woman, when I wished I was a boy

This is my experience as a girl, growing into a woman in the American midwest in a small college town.  I know I am complicit in everything that happens to me in my life, and responsible for my own health and happiness.  I have always held those beliefs, which actively worked to disarm me of knowing to seek real support, I believe.  This is not an essay, this is just stream of consciousness to help me through today.  After a lot of reflection, I’ve chosen to make this public, in case there is a girl who doesn’t feel at home in her body who might have a shared experience, who could benefit from knowing she’s not alone.

This is not a judgement of anyone but myself and how the world looked to a girl that grew up without accessible role models or accessible emotional support her entire life.  I was raised by television, books, comics and the internet in the 90′s.  I desperately wished I was a boy.    

These are a fraction, just events that I most consciously can remember off the cuff:

Age 6: Not allowed to play video games when boys want to play them. I loved video games. When doing well, sabotaged.  I start spending most of my time alone.  This will be my pattern for the rest of my life.  I take it as a challenge, and am comfortable standing up for myself as the boys do to each other to earn respect.  It works okay, I get to play without being shit on. I start identifying more with boys than girls, because I know in my heart I will not be tread on.

Age 9:  My period.  Boys tell me they want to take baths with me.  Girls ask me to show my breasts at sleepovers and exclaim, “EEEWWW” when I agree.  I wanted to crawl out of my skin. Every look in the mirror made me feel cold terror at the form I did not recognize.  My heart begins breaking when I realize I truly don’t fit in, with boys or girls.  I notice my precociously large breasts being stared at by older men.  I am diagnosed with IBS, I have difficulty everywhere we go, I am sometimes incontinent.  I stop going to sleepovers.

Age 10:  I dress exclusively like a boy now.   I hate my body has changed the rules on who I am and why it invites criticism when I engage in things I love (playing outside with bugs, video games, playing cops and robbers with my male neighbors, getting to talk excitedly about something, being outside alone). I was the first girl in my grade to get her period, I was so different to the rest of the girls.

Age 11:  I relate to no one, hiding in oversized clothes I begged to get from the boys department.  I get a rush when someone mistakes me for a boy.  I experiment with packing things in my jeans to pretend I have a penis.  I start doing it in public.  My sexual feelings are confused, my sexual dreams are about dominating women, as this is my only exposure to sexuality from porn on the internet. I didn’t want to be seen as trash like the women in porn.  I spent all my time talking to older men on the internet through online games, pretending I am 21 and sometimes male for human interaction.  

Age 12:  I walk home from school every day after harassment from boys on the bus.  Trying to hold my breasts and asking me if I’m a virgin.  Strangers react to me walking alone almost daily.  At least weekly, it is sexual.  From older men and boys my age alike.  Disgusting things yelled from cars, offers for rides.  I didn’t understand why the harassment continued when I was obviously acting like boys do.  My IBS worsens, I have my first colonoscopy.  My parents divorce.

Age 13:  I dye my hair black and start wearing dark clothes to instill a sense of strength and to keep people from talking to me.  It works for the most part. I feel safer in my nonconformity.

Age 14:  I realize I want to fit in, want friendships and boyfriends, start dressing as a female.  I excel at classes and am unusually talented at music. I have my first kiss and shortly after, raped for the first time after a date to the arcade.

Age 15: I become hypersexual, I don’t understand why and loathe myself for my feelings.  This is the only time I have received any sustained attention (neglectful home environment, raised on the internet.)  I am used by my male friends, and disapproved of by my female friends. A lot of the misfortunate was my lack of experience with friendship and personal boundaries.  My family had no family friends, even.  I spend most of my time alone in my room on my computer.  The rest of the time, in the cars of various boyfriends.  The rest of the time, sobbing myself to sleep most nights.  

Age 16-26: The cycle continues. Digestive issues are life-altering, I have several colonoscopies that show no physical causes.  I drink too much, play in bands, date other emotionally stunted people in efforts to “save” them, take a few tries at college, try over and over again and fail to define myself as self-sufficient or even as a true woman.  I throw myself at trying to be a pillar for my family to heal the dysfunction, and continually fail.  Many relationships, one with an alcoholic that eventually beat me. 

Age 24: I suddenly ended a marriage engagement to an old-fashioned “modern” boy that was essentially indentured servitude, in order to earn the love of his (seemingly) supportive family.  Everything I did to express myself as a human was a threat to his abilities and status. I was alone in a house, isolated in the country.  I stopped expressing myself.

I had felt so powerless and disgusting  that I felt this was my only chance to keep myself off the streets, as I was unable to maintain any life that would lead to stability for longer than a couple of years.  I manage to land an interview for a difficult job, and I got the offer.  It was scary, my first chance at performing in society in a position that would, for once, earn me respect.  My fiancé strongly encourages me not to take the job, that it would be too stressful.  I take it anyway.  I leave him shortly after he is openly unsupportive.  He hated that my wage was the same as his, even though he had been at this job for 5 years.  

I knew in my heart I was angry at myself, but it seemed so necessary to adopt the social messages that I needed to acquiesce to everyone’s ideas and needs in order to be loved.  Every single male I had dated, which most were liberal, considered feminism hateful and frivolous in a modern age.  When they would use me and toss me aside, sometimes they would cycle my name with “whore” or “crazy” to their friends and send me hateful text messages reminding me that I’m a slut and their abuse was my fault.  I felt that feminism might help me somehow, I just had no idea how.

Finally, I found the right words to express what was happening to me: rape culture, sexism, hate, disdain, projection, fear, trauma, neglect, abuse, powerlessness.  I finally am healing.

Woman is an oppressed class.  Woman is not a feeling, it was a reality I did not get to choose, and in which without role models, media was a destructive, insidious force.  The public reinforced the idea that I am property and don’t deserve to feel safe outside.  My male friends (with my self-hating, unknowing permission) made me an object, and projected their feelings of hatred on me as my own character flaws (real or imagined, I was performing for love and validation).  My female friends resented the attention that I didn’t seemingly earn, and my character was never defended by anyone, least of all myself.  I agreed with all of their criticism, willingly to them and felt like a defective person.  I wanted to die every day.

I’m 28 now, and I am still somehow a happy loving girl to this day.  All I ever wanted was love and company, and boys would often tell me way too early they loved me in order to have sex with me, because I would pour my honest heart out and say that I could only be that close to someone who truly loves me.  I believed it, but I didn’t understand I was using sex as a bridge to intimacy, as I had never learned it from my family life.

I accept now that I am a very feminine looking woman, and that may have had a hand in my confusion from the very beginning.  I didn’t choose my large breasts, or my hips, or my big blue eyes, curly hair or smooth pale skin.  I didn’t choose to be smaller than everyone I know.  I didn’t choose to be weaker.  To have a childish voice.  To be brilliant.  Every message to me was that my beauty could be my power, if only I did it right.  Instead, it was a weapon against me, as all of my self worth was involved in things about me that don’t have shit to do with me as a human being.  I naturally looked like the porn stars boys wanted.  This led to my worth to them being about on par.  A slut that must have sex, because she is too weak to stand on her own as a person with self worth.  This was made worse by my artistic abilities and intelligence.  People felt my abilities were a waste on me, and I agreed with them.

So what changed?

I would never understand this all in context if I hadn’t become very suddenly ill a year ago.  My oppression continued when I went to healthcare professional after healthcare professional.  Nurses, doctors, specialists, heads of departments.  I am fortunately well-connected in health care in my area, due to the tireless work and hard-earned accomplishments of my strong, stubborn, witheringly intelligent mother.

But despite my class privilege in health care, I was -immediately- told my symptoms were psychosomatic and that I would only improve on antidepressant medication.  This was with only a blood panel and physical examination by a family doctor.  All of my appointments took place in the midwest, in both small towns and large cities. What this physician did not know, is that I have been following advice for a decade on antidepressant medication and mental health care.  I had been medicated on at least a handful of different antidepressant and antipsychotic meds, either leading to “just” strong feelings of disassociation, depersonalizing sedation to strong, unprecedented suicidal ideation weeks after starting one particular medication.  I was so shocked by her recommendation I wept…  I begged, “I’m falling in the shower, something isn’t right.  Please just believe me, there must be tests.  I’m not saying you’re wrong, I want you to be right, but what if something is seriously wrong and we miss it?”

I realized that my whole life, the invasive scopes into my anus and down my throat, the rough physical exams on me, the medicalization of my pain, the removal of my appendix without appendicitis when I went to the ER because of what was later discovered to be an ovarian cyst after they opened me up…  My digestive issues WERE stress.  I had no caretaker at home, only a breadwinner… She loved me so completely, but was also raised in this hell.

I finally understood that my very real suffering as a woman was being made to be my fault, that all of those physical and emotional signs of distress were self-inflicted.  They weren’t, they were from external factors that we do not name. Normalization of the rape and dismissal of the lived experiences of girls and women. I felt if I spoke out, no one would believe me because I was already a slut.

 Medication cannot cure external factors, only numb our internal response.  It’s almost too heartbreaking of a truth for us to accept when we have women in our lives we love and respect.  That there is someone who does not know the women in your life like you do, and will use their assumptions informed by culture to continue the cycle of silent, unknowing invalidation and dehumanization.  Of having no words or platform to understand her experience.

I can’t describe how much I have wept.  This began a year long journey to find the one medical test that would prove to any professional that my lived experience was real, and that I was genuinely frightened for my life.  Not of dying, but of living in any sort of semblance to the way that I had taken for granted before.... Going to the store, having the energy to wash my hair or drive.  To think or feel.  I was unable to work like I have done since I was 14.  I could not stand at the sink anymore to brush my teeth, my mother placed stools all over the house so my legs would not collapse under me as I struggled for breath.  

I used my life savings and much of my mother’s money to go to specialist after specialist who asked if I had tried anxiety medication.

It finally hit me one day what those specialists saw…  A very small, beautiful privileged white girl who couldn’t keep up with the demands of having everything she could possibly want or need (in their mind.)  A fragile, weak person that is psychologically unable to handle life, and must have her words reinterpreted through their much more reliable knowledge and experience of a life lived completely differently than mine.  I do believe everyone wanted the best for me.

I only recovered through healthy eating and slow, slow, slow exercise to retrain my weak body to carry itself.  In the end, I was diagnosed with a heart arrhythmia and hypertension.  Just names for symptoms, not a reason.  After slow, unspeakably isolating and sad months of struggling with even believing MYSELF, I finally released I was placing everything on needing medical validation to prove that I was ill and failing.  Finally, finally I realized that you do NOT need to prove your suffering to anyone but YOURSELF.  Because it is only you, no one else, who is ultimately responsible for saving you.

In the end, I had to do what I have always done: hide in a secret place and slowly make myself a whole person again, out of the eyes of a society that gives everyone the right to have an opinion on my existence without really hearing my words to describe it.  The life I had struggled to build around me slipped away.  And… it was a wonderful thing.

I found freedom.  I can run around the block now.  I have finally used my deep, natural talents to make music and art that is from inside my heart, no one else’s.  And it is good.  And I am loved now, after daring to love myself.

Through tears, I thank you for reading this.  Anyone.

I am alive for the first time in my life.  Thank you to everyone who came and struggled before me.  I know it is better than it has ever been before for someone like me.  But it is still so, so hard.  For everyone, male or female.  But especially girls.  I so seldom see any evidence that others have been through something like I have, and I want to change that in case there are others..

We can be free to be humans, as women.  Don’t abandon womanhood, it is oppressed because it can never be understood unless you experience it.  Fight for it.