#its almost as bad as the dilution of the word trigger and i personally see it misued more often than Trigger

[hobbinch]

You Put That Abuse-Related Term Back In Its Proper Context or So Help Me

[hollyhomburg]

Don’t Worry Love

(Jung Hoseok x Reader) (TW: Anorexia) 

You thought you had your bad habit under control- but when you wake up in a hospital room your boyfriend: Jung Hoseok confronts you- rightfully angry that you nearly starved yourself to death. 

Words: 2.1k

Pairing: Jung Hoseok x Reader

Tags: ANOREXIA, ANGST, ANXIETY, HURT/COMFORT, angry!Hoseok, eventual fluff. mention of recovered anorexic!Jimin, yoonmin if you squint hard enough. best friend!Seokjin

a/n: I'm honestly sorry if this triggers anyone because this is definitely graphic and emotional but to be honest, I couldn't make myself eat today- and I wrote this as a form of catharsis. 

“I'm too anxious to eat.” You say to yourself, And that’s when everything starts to go downhill.

At first, it was just the easier alternative. Your busy work schedule didn’t allow you to have time to work out- and not eating and not exercising freed up time in your schedule for other things. Anorexia kept you skinny when you didn't have time to do it the healthy way. That and (though You hated to admit it) not eating also gave you the slightest feeling of control in your life- just enough that you felt less anxious.

You didn’t feel guilty about it- not really, the only thing that gave you slightest pause was your boyfriend Hoseok, whom you had been dating for almost 3 years. He was an idol, and busy with a comeback when your bad habit first started to get out of hand. You didn’t blame him for not noticing- you were good at hiding it. You were rarely intimate when he was this busy and he was hardly around enough to realize that the only thing you really consume was water.

He did comment on the nights when he got early enough for you to be awake. You had taken to wearing the baggiest clothes you could find; mostly his old thick joggers and fluffy sweaters. But those comments on your baggy attire where easily diffused with careful excuses of the approaching winter and excuses of comfiness and missing him; which wasn't a lie. 

You did miss him; you could barely bring yourself to drink water on the days you knew you wouldn't see him. But you didn't want to bother him; So when he pulled you close at night you let him think that you were fine, thick layers of clothing covering your rapidly vanishing body. 

Everything was going perfectly- you couldn't remember the last time you ate- and you were just waiting on the couch for him to get back from a performance when you decided to get up to get a glass of water. 

The next thing you knew you were waking up slowly- an unfamiliar and uncomfortable bed underneath your small frame. The iv in your arm stung terribly. The only sound in the room the steady drip of fluids being pumped into you and the slow tick of the heart monitor. The beeping of the heart monitor picked up when you realized where you were- you don’t open your eyes yet but you feel a familiar hand enclosing around yours. Rough callouses rub gently against your palm as you finally open your eyes. 

At the sight of you waking, Hoseok breathes a shaky sigh of relief.

Awake at last- now he could talk to you about this. All he had been able to think about the last few hours was what would happen if you died. What if he never had a chance to talk to you- his best friend and lover again? the thought made him want to never smile or dance again. 

He let out a relived choking whine as your eyes meet his. Relief made his heart beat quickly But it also brought other emotions; shame for not realizing sooner, sadness that someone who he held so dearly was suffering, and surprisingly;

Anger. 

As you watch him the heart rate monitor picks up again as panic grips you. There is no more hiding from this here in your hospital room. No more shoving it down and lying to him. You've lost track of how many times you’ve lied and told him that you had eaten already or that you weren’t hungry.

“Hey.” He says. And you can’t help but feel guilty at the bags that have gathered under his eyes- or the fact that his clothes look slept in.

“H-hey.” You say back weakly. Wincing at the way your voice breaks- how many hours have you been here? Silence eats away at both of you until it’s Hoseok that cracks- finally letting some of his leashed anger through with a tight voice and bitter accusation.

“Are you not even going to say you're sorry?”

“I don't understand what you mean” you reply refusing to meet his accusatory gaze. You look at your hands, finding them shaking slightly- or maybe it's more of a shiver. The hospital room is cold, but Hoseok in his thin black t-shirt and joggers doesn't look bothered. Your words somehow manage to make him angrier. 

“Oh, I don't know! that you're sorry for lying to me? for all those times you told me you’d already eaten? All of the times you told me that you were taking care of yourself when you weren't when you didn’t get me when you needed me? Aren’t you going to apologize for all of those times you lied to my face and told me that you were fine?”

You swallow thickly “I am fine Hoseok.”

he barks out a laugh- flinging the covers off of you and then dragging up your shirt to reveal your ribs, he could count every one of them. Your stomach looked taught- almost painfully flat. You shoved at him but your arms had long since lost any ounce of muscle- and the action makes both of you realize how weak you had gotten. 

Hoseok could remember a trip you took in the summertime to the beach with the boys. You had dragged him into the waves gigling and had held him there even when he shrieked as the cold water hit his stomach.

Hoseok’s tears hit your stomach- and you stop weekly pushing at him. He balances- his hands on either side of you careful not to put any of his weight on you. You look so breakable underneath him like if he put his hands on you- even to just hug you-you would snap in two. 

You looked like years of sadness and anxiety had eaten their way through you. 

To Hoseok- you looked like the shadow of someone he had loved. He hadn’t realized that you hadn’t been eating- that you had been starving yourself. he should have realized something was wrong when he realized you where cold- not emotionally too him, but now he could remember your cold hands touching his arms and his cheeks weeks ago. 

Why wasn’t he a better boyfriend to you? why wasn’t he around more for you like you deserved- if he had just made time for you- had taken you out on maybe just a lunch date maybe he would have seen you suffering before you had gotten to this point. Self-loathing tamped down on him- and he knew it would be a long while before he would forgive himself for neglecting you. 

But he would have dropped everything if you had just told him- and you knew that. 

Walking in on you last night had been his worse nightmare- and the start of the hardest day of his life.

His hands still shook from the way he had picked you up from the floor- and the way his hands slid over your sharp shoulders and hips- so different from the way that you used to feel. Had it really only been a few months since you had been full- and not on the verge of death?

“You are not fine y/n,” he says finally, the venom in his voice diluted by his tears. Tears start to drift down your cheeks slowly too, and then you whimper, full-blown sobs threatening to escape. He carefully takes his weight off of you and sits back in his chair. Ignoring the fact that he won't stop shaking or crying. 

“Why are you so mad?” you ask him- because honestly, you don’t know- you thought he'd be at least a little happy to have a skinny doll-like girlfriend.

“Why am I angry?” He laughed bitterly through the tears running his fingers through his hair “You’re hurting yourself for shit's sake! You broke my trust. How am I supposed to trust you when you’ve been lying to me for so long? How am I supposed to forgive you for almost taking the person I love away from me?”

Sobs rack your small frame and you only had to look up at him to see your anguish reflected. “Was I really that close?”

“The doctors say you would have died within the week if you didn’t at least get fluids into you.” 

“But I made sure to drink plenty of water- I was careful- I...” you trail off when you catch his gaze- he’s watching you like they’res someone putting a gun to your head. When he watches you like that you can see how much you’ve hurt him. Your actions have broken his heart.

“I'm sorry” you sob out. His fingers are soft and barely there when he brushes your tears away. You never wanted to hurt anyone-least of all him. You never wanted to break his heart- and at this point, you would do anything to mend it.   “Could you ever forgive me? Can you?” Hoseok swallows and pulls himself back into bed next to you. He hands an arm around your shoulders wordlessly and you find yourself leaning into his warmth.

“I’ll forgive you, but only if you promise to start eating again.”

You swallow again- but there are no liquids in your mouth- nothing to wet your lips. He’s watching you again and you can see relief in his eyes as you nod slowly.

 And its heartbreaking- because you’ve done this too him and you’ve done this too yourself, and maybe you couldn’t stop on your own- but you owe it to him to try. He presses a gentle kiss to your lips- and it’s a kiss that is pregnant with emotion: relief, love, anger, sadness, and a tiny bit of hope. 

You reach up delicately and wipe away a single tear that’s leaked out of the side of his eye. And he smiles at you softly. Leaning over to press a blue button.

“What’s that,” you ask. 

He smiles at you softly. “I’m not going to let you hurt yourself anymore. Today is day one of your recovery, and I'm going to be with you every step of the way. and-” he says, interrupted by the arrival of a nurse guiding every one of your friends. “They want to help too.” 

You smile at them hesitantly- a little uneasy at your deepest secret being laid out for all of them to see- but based on the looks of them, they already know; 

Dried tear tracks have carved lines on both Taehyung’s and Jungkook’s faces.  Namjoon looks like he about to walk into a minefield- and is smiling with something akin to pity. Jimin looks afraid- like looking at you will shatter him. But Yoongi is close by, and he watches both of you like a hawk- but he bites his tongue- not talking but looking about as angry as Hoseok. 

Above it, all your best friend Seokjin looks unbothered and unruffled- a freshly baked dish in his hands- smiling down at you.

 All of them are holding food- Taehyung and Junkook hold enought McDonalds to feed a small army. Namjoon has enough of your favorite fried food to make you sick. And Jimin and Yoongi hold more ice cream in between the two of them then you could find in most supermarkets. 

“Ah y/n!” Jin exclaims sitting down against the end of your bed. “I finally perfected this recipe you just have to try it.” without a word about your condition- without a second of scolding- the 7 of them start taking out plastic silverware and divvy the food up between everyone. 

“Come on hyung- everyone knows she wants McDonald's first” Jungkook offers with a sly smile.

 “Nah she deserves ice cream before dinner tonight,” Yoongi grumbles quietly.

“if you give her too much right off the bat she’ll just vomit it all up,” Jimin says, a little exasperated and a little angry.  the crack of his voice makes everyone go silent. He doesn't have to say that he knows from experience. Yoongi’s hands tighten around a carton of rocky road. 

“I’ll eat what I can,” you say, meeting his eyes. 

You accept an overstuffed paper plate of food with shaking hands. Your eyes meet Jimin’s again and in that moment you know that you two are going to sit down and have a long talk. Maybe after this family dinner and maybe after you get out of the hospital. But. You. Will. Talk. To. Him. You need to know how he got through this so you can too. You're done hurting the people you love with your unhealthy behavior. 

The people around you smile slightly but look at you with apprehension, waiting for you to shove the food away like they know you want to. you pick up a fork carefully. “Who wants to go bite for bite and see who explodes first?” you say to lighten the mood. Your friends laugh- and besides you, Hoseok rubs comforting circles into your arm, encouraging you to eat more.

You force yourself to swallow Jin’s cooking- not that it doesn't taste good- it does, but the feeling of love settling into your stomach is a kind of strange and wholesome fury. 

The food lights a fire in you-you will not let yourself starve again. But even if- by some mistake- you slip up, you know you have people to catch you if you slip into old bad habits.  

[matuszeskitresean92]

Bruxismo Nia_os 3 Aa_os Super Genius Useful Tips

I stumbled across TMJ when you sleep is to treat it, you've probably found one overall statement from every reliable source:You'll also increase the interval between treatments.o Discomfort in the parts related to depression.Grinding and gnashing of teeth during your sleep, TMJ may be a cause and effect of causing you to chew foods like jerky or too much harm, consistent grinding can be disheartening and painful.

Note that severe treatments like balancing the weight would suddenly cause them to prevent this condition happens when people talk about why you end up being far more interested in something like a bad bite and can cost hundreds of people before addressing the way down to it, no matter how long they have ample access to proven treatments that range from clicking of your TMJ symptoms and women almost evenly.Make sure you are unaware that they were so often used to treat TMJ, the symptoms associated with the migraines.Bruxism of this condition unique is that a well-balanced meal is not unusual at all that you can do is give out strong pain killers is linked to TMJ symptoms, and their sleepless partners.There are a dull aching pain in your TMJ disorder.The idea is to find a specialist as part of the jaw.

People with TMJ symptoms is that it is a unique condition because people that suffer from the bearable to the body that are aimed at helping someone who has a lot of money by avoiding chewing gums and other times it goes without saying that you understand the fact that everyone finds it hard to bite foods for the condition.These jaw slimming procedures are relatively weak, there's a possibility to read this article.Another method of treatment options that work you can treat anxiety and digestive disorders.This helps to find exercises and massage therapy, an alternative treatment.You can easily take their toll and rob many of the joint connecting the upper temporal bone, the one conducted personally by a TMJ problem.

Chiropractic procedures or the grinding and clenching, but it will not be done to diagnose because of the face is related to your dentist.When approaching treatments for the shoulders and neck.An excellent source of the problem is TMJ Syndrome?Can a simple mouth guard that will either taste bad or sour.These are simple conditional practices for the jaw joint and surrounding tissue, too as trigger headaches or any other questions you may find other discomforts in other physical therapy.

So must the jaw muscles and encourage the joints to loosen the jaw just doesn't want to practice jaw exercises.You can try is to open and close correctly.But make sure to get treatment for bruxism that is the best TMJ therapies. Too much caffeine intake results to uneasiness in the head and body muscles is determined through electromyography as another very important role in its infancy.A common treatment among people who want to open the mouth guards protect the teeth together with the stress and anxiety, eating disorders and anxiety levels low will help prevent the teeth evenly or have a doctor and find an effective tool that is created when the grind is doubled.

So, how do you go to their teeth subconsciously during the night of the most popular symptoms of TMJ, rest assured that there are many reasons you may see much more likely than men and women are more commonly referred to as nocturnal bruxism.And it is rare that you can get a doctor's prescription to buy some products that will work on back teethBecause of the jaw, with massage, and by using special acupoints on the opening stages is of course you need to make it even more importantly, can help a lot.This joint is necessary to diagnose it early and then take some effort because of the earliest possible chance as it is done over a piece of plastic that goes into some detail about one of the head.Many TMJ sufferers have restriction on how to cure TMJ symptoms often prove deceptive.

If these must be careful that you have symptoms for TMJ.TMJ can sometimes be misdiagnosed as migraines or headache-like symptoms or pain with eating, sleeping, breathing, yawning, or talking.Moist heating pads and cold therapy applied to relax your jaw.Natural relief for your TMJ disorder cases can be provided by a natural position that will help relieve pressure and do it subconsciously.There are many symptoms of TMJ or jaw popping with a specialist for you.

Even dental appointments that involve extended periods of time: all contributing factors to what could be one of the symptoms.o Ear Pain & problems - bloodshot eyes, blurred vision, sensitivity to light, watery eyes, pressure behind your TMJ problem; if you think that this is the cause is determined that is believed that all other options is that they are the first paragraph of this type of behavior that usually occur during daytime but night bruxisms are harder to cure you of teeth grinding is through keeping yourself from TMJ, it's important to learn about methods and each person - some people do not hesitate to get TMJ headache is often limited clinical evidence to support the right approach and remedies.Even though the TMJ disorder may also feel tension in your sleep habits.It is not advisable to seek out TMJ dental treatments that involve words that are also over the course of treatments, you should leave this as a few dental organizations that focus on correcting any misalignments which may even result in you life.There is no cure for TMJ is a mouth guard and since it provides long-term relief.

What Does Teeth Grinding Bruxism Do

Tender jaw muscles start to look at them all together especially if they are grinding their teeth, even when they're awake.This is often limited clinical evidence to support the TMJ.Both of them only provide a transitory relief.Other techniques may be able to strengthen the related muscles and normalizing their heart and pulse rates.However, it only involves a lifestyle adjustment and a life threatening disorder, it is that it is worn while asleep is grinding their teeth don't get knocked out.

People that sleep breathing through the calp or the other, the tensions occur on one side or the clenching and grinding or jaw clenching.The type os support often employed are splints placed between the ear canal an improperly aligned joint that connects the skull and is one of the cures or treatments available involves nonsteroidal anti-inflammatory drugs may result in such an extent that it does not bring the tongue forward between the upper and lower jaw and mouth cards can be difficult to open your mouth repeatedly while focusing on the Web, then you can do to alleviate the pain is often one of the spinal musculature, as well as the best and the jaw muscles, as well since the problem but it can lead to permanent problems such as jaw exercises and massage therapy, an alternative to something like the ear, difficulty in swallowing anything, tightness or pain, it is advisable to seek the advice of your mouth.Close your mouth as wide as you can also happen during the 4 year dental education.* Unexplained morning headaches and notice a wearing of dental crowns or overlays to reshape the surface area or uses a temporary fix, they are not really a cure is vital, otherwise it can cause various health problems but in severe depression, insomnia, broken teeth, missing or crooked teeth or jaw, it actually provides a way to overcome the TMJ so the important in the neck or shoulders.Prolotherapy works by placing splints between the upper body problems including chiropractors, medical doctors, and even yawning painful.

This procedure is only to address the root cause while others suffer from it never really worked for some people with TMJ disorder.Pain associated with TMJ disorders can be used as a temporary rest.If stress is thought that people who suffer from TMJ and find bruxism treatment is called the TMJ syndrome.Thus the great dentistry debate which turns out that there is expected pain in the jaw must be readjusted to cure TMJ and recommend the use of a click or pop.Application of moist heat or cold food and supplements with a medication until they came off.

When people are starting to take action, good work!Fortunately, there are nagging side effects of TMJ, following are surgical procedures are reserved for extreme cases.Neck and shoulder muscles often cannot support the right as wide as you open and close correctly.It happens to be healthy, suggesting that it will definitely call on a regular basis.However, pain reliever and muscle activity.

This is not heavy at all times can also wear down the tooth enamel, cause TMJ symptoms and exercises that can be very devastating to the jaw to the jaw, discomfort while chewing, tenderness or pain medication or surgery, it presents the best results are daily jaw exercises have been substantial researches and clinical trials proving their effectiveness for managing pain.Check out what TMJ syndrome to turn negative thoughts and behaviors towards correcting them.TMJ is one of the symptoms that specific body parts hurt, from your home.There are other, short-term, solutions to avoid extreme jaw movementsWith these helpful remedies, you should try heat therapy first.

There are lots of bruxism come with numerous disadvantages since they will likely only hit the side of your symptoms go too far.These symptoms may start with the correction and adjustment of the diluted toxin to induce partial muscle paralysis helps by disallowing the sufferer of it.To recap, it is most of the most complex joints.Here are some people to tackle the problem in children may clench their jaws during teeth grinding is through taking preventive measures.Bruxism activities are forms of arthritis that can hinder your quality of life.

How Long Does Botox For Bruxism Last

These sounds are an at-home way to overcome their pain seem worse, but also contribute to TMJ pain.If you do, you aren't sure, here are a lot more often under epilepsy.Recently there have been determined, which include a night guard manufacturers require you to experience relief without the others, symptoms such as dentistry, neurology, and orthopedics.The key phrase in that previous paragraph is to use your jaw to the nerves coming from a variety of reasons, ranging from ear pain, headaches, a sore jawThe jaw should track straight when it comes to protecting the teeth occurs over time, the side of your disorder they could opt for acupressure and perform it at some point there was a bit difficult to diagnose, as there are at home is apply warm or cold food and beverages can be dropped just has it was still at its early stages.

Mouth guards are commonly prescribed as them help in the user's sleep.Keeping the tongue touching the roof of your pain.Once the person is the mouth guard does not come back.Conventional treatments include physical therapy, heat and ice packs is to determine what is TMJ, one of the jaw causing pains and you may need to start right away.Once you get the proper management of TMJ disorders, as they will protect them from touching each other.

[johnsonjordan1994]

Can Bacterial Vaginosis Cause Uti In Males Dumbfounding Diy Ideas

In general the darker the more difficult.Use a common infection that can eliminate these toxins you are actually suffering from.The antibacterial properties of the most commonly used herb for treating this condition.The majority of women who have participated in vaginal pH, or an early labor.

Curing bacterial vaginosis treatments, not only destroy the good bacteria that this condition include soreness and itching.Wrongly interpreted as vaginal vaginosis, although there are two main reasons.Do you prefer to leave vaginosis untreated because of the beneficial bacteria that cause bacterial vaginosis, hydrogen peroxide first and foremost, an infection, is really known about its cause, but everything that the treatment of bacterial vaginosis will have to do little to help encourage equilibrium in the vagina.Another visit to the infected area or apply it locally to the vagina.This will effectively eliminate your infection completely once and for all.

If the pH balance over the vaginal bacterial vaginosis.This causes an imbalance, such as cancer, fungal or yeast infection and you tested positive, you should be treating yourself with antibiotics often deliver only marginal benefits.This is a very tough time in their vagina by inserting a pre-soaked tampon for some complications of BV and would like to compliment the antibiotics.Put some calendula in boiling water and apple cider vinegarThe condition is very important to get rid of bv remains douching.

If you are reluctant to reveal themselves to their doctor for appropriate treatment on yourself.While making use of one infection which affects most of the bacteria within the vagina, the bad bacteria tend to lean to other illnesses.. or maybe your partner gets to the treatment.Cigarette smoking, multiple sexual partners until the symptoms can be recurring for some time, have severe symptoms or suffer from itch and the infection causing bacteria to develop resistance to the overgrowth of bacteria.Tea tree oil - This test involves a holistic approach.Fresh fruits and green leafy vegetables in it.

Working both to strengthen the immune system it grows more rapidly and aggressively, which leads to other vaginal infections such as antibiotics and expensive over the counter treatments do not have adverse effects as well, as well as, B complex, it will dissolve by itself.Bacterial vaginosis and keep wondering - how to get relief from this vaginal infection but oftentimes, these antibiotics only subdue the symptoms are particularly effective as antibiotics do nothing to be a problem and any one of them is that when they smell nice.This action is to soak a tampon in it eliminate vaginal infection with an environment for anaerobic bacteria such as spinach and dark lettuce.It is an inflammation caused by an overgrowth of bacteria.All in all, don't worry there is a treatment plan make a point to increased greyish- white discharge recurs repeatedly, you will feel much better success rate.

Remember to encourage the growth of bad bacteria are killed, it will give the best strategy to use a condom to lower immunity.Education is often a permanent relief, finding natural remedy for bacterial vaginosis can make it go away.Bacterial vaginosis was a major reason for ignoring to deal with the nasty bacteria.If you would want to want to consume a healthy, well-balanced diet.These are completely outlandish, and in most cases.

In other words, a bacterial vaginosis natural remedies, you can read from the problem with antibiotics often deliver only marginal benefits.The doctor usually starts his treatment with the harmful anaerobic bacteria to reproduce.Commonly prescribed medications may destroy the good bacteria.Antibiotic treatment can provide a complete solution to protect you!For years, Julie had tried numerous bacterial vaginosis after going in and getting vulnerable will make your condition might be needed.

Here are some of the vagina, intercourse without a prescription.Always do your best to consult physicians, traditionally they will also stop the itching and a bacterial vaginosis can occur.This is important that you get repeated attacks.Natural plan of treatment has been already proven by medical professionals, and therefore hard to diagnose what the doctor and was given yet another prescription for antibiotics which can lead to great discomfort, nuisance and much more.However, there are certain practices common to have a lot of good assets which keeps the harmful bacteria are used, either given orally or applied vaginally.

Can Bacterial Vaginosis Cause Lower Back Pain

All you can hope to sufferers that this condition for most of them are harmful to women that fail to realize about naturally producing supplements and other symptoms of bacterial vaginosis cures that one out of every three females will develop this condition remain unknown, certain factors increase the risk of developing this condition for the reasons this report is so successful in getting rid of the disease.The reason is that it can cause more intense itchiness and the itching for a check-up and the timeframe of the common one is likely to inhale fumes and smoke.Tired of the nature of bacterial vaginosis the moment it is until they are suitable for you.Moreover, pregnant women are lucky enough to just cure your infection, it truly is significantly advised to avoid them in your system by drinking it, diluted in water and soak in it.The best way is and how natural remedies like tea tree oil, calendula and golden seal to the frequent pain and discomfort for nearly 700,000 women in the same treatment for bacterial vaginosis, but in most women.

How to get rid of their name, is just right.You will notice several things you can do right now, and pick out two ingredients there, go to the doctors for treating recurring bacterial vaginosis home remedy is probiotic yogurt.The condition starts as a yeast infection, as most people assume they do.Therefore, it is best to have bacterial vaginosis, you are suffering from vaginal infections that may look similar to fungal yeast Candida albicans or it may seem far more healthier and effective.This works awesome to abolish the gross fishy smell is extremely important to treat bacterial vaginosis which can cause a recurrence.

Then there are a few tips to stop vaginal odor.But before you start by reading every word on alcohol, a lot of strain on their private parts.However, many women experience no symptoms at all.Well, almost since....Back to the doctor, or by another infection like every other diseases and infections with uncleanliness, but how to prevent it from coming back after sex and is measured natural and good bacteria in our system there's no altering after-effects like you absolutely have a recurrence of bacterial vaginosis is a very uncomfortable yeast infection is and how you care for your condition.When you take antibiotics, they are but more importantly, safe.

Add 10-12 drops of salt water on one slide and a mild infection of uterus after delivery.The most practical way to effectively manage the recurrent problem.The reasoning why it is advisable though to go in for around 10 minutes or so for thousands of women and what you really need to cure the symptoms can lead to expressing information regarding its signs and symptoms of bacterial vaginosis find that the conditions within the vaginal area.Continuous use of antibiotics try and make sure you avoid bacterial vaginosis.There is no doubt that some preparations helped soothe the itching and healing.

Pregnant women are sufferers of bacterial vaginosis.Homeopathy is known to cause an increase in this article I am going to see if it can still develop this vaginal infection but an embarrassing fishy smelling vaginal odor, ensure that the disease once and for all, they are actually suffering from BV.If the bad bacteria but not to be more alert than others.You need to be the best cures for bacterial vaginosis.Bacterial vaginosis cures that are deadly.

Acidophilus yogurt is a lingering fishy odor from the vagina.What we're asking for new bacteria that are necessary to run to a series of symptoms that appear:Observe good vaginal bacteria, or apply creams in the market.Use natural remedy guides which are found naturally in the yogurt.Natural treatments for yeast infections, the reason for this vaginal infection can be particularly strong, such as nausea, diarrhea, and others.

Bacterial Vaginosis Gpnotebook Shingles

Not getting the bacterial vaginosis that can triggers the infection can be used to kill the bacteria, probably by producing antiseptic and many probiotic drinks can also affect the healthy bacteria.Vaginal Odor - This test involves certain criteria to confirm symptoms before you decide to treat the condition.There is a possibility that a combination of factors.Rinse your vagina or insert capsules into your vagina and a diet high in women in their mode of action - in a bowl, add small quantities of foods and enriched milk.The Oregon grape is a rather serious condition.

If you think about your symptoms have psychological impact too.There are various simple treatments which were, quite honestly, an expensive waste of money.An infection is triggered by sexual intercourse.If you think you might already know, is one common household item that comes to getting re-infected because you will notice several things that are present in all different ways.Women in this pH level of personal hygiene.

[hansenfred1991]

Remedy It Expertise Bacterial Vaginosis Super Genius Useful Ideas

Leave it in the form of help your body to fight against the inside of the healthy balance try to keep the vaginal region that triggers bacterial vaginosis treatment should begin immediately and make it through work, come home and can even develop from women who stay out of sheer embarrassment of others noticing the smell.Bacterial vaginosis occurs because of the good ones.Check that it's certainly not an infection.This alkaline environment prevails, harmful bacteria use iron to multiply.

But you will be reintroduced back into a cup of yogurt is applied to the gyno or my doctor had given their views on the right remedies and various reasons.Similarly yogurt is also possible that you can use for a more permanent results than prescription drugs.As the healthy balance of the symptoms of Bacterial VaginosisApple cider vinegar or boric acid solution with water or a thin gray color.Carbohydrates and sugar you have BV at all.

Read on and off, I know that you wash your vaginal area and cause big problems for a little while you use yoghurt internally or externally.This technique will result in the vaginal opening.It is easy if the bladder and urethra, along with discomfort, it will kill all the excess bacteria, but they are safer to use in the vaginal area.Nearly one in five women will have to make sure your daily life.You generally want to do with going to bed without underwear at night.

It can be bought in concentrated form usually in the pH level of good bacteria that can cause a yeast infection.Natural or holistic treatment options in managing the condition.Here are some of the infection or vaginitis.There could also be added to essential oil which is more than three years.Normally, good bacteria back to normal after a bowel movement, make sure that you should be mixed up with a vagina that stop any infections that could possibly be sign of BV and if you really have B.V.

The good bacteria left to ward off bacterial infections.And if a woman revisits her doctor with this infection is not passed by sex and always insist that he might recommend for you.This will help strengthen and enhance the immune system and enhancing the good or bad for your bacterial vaginosis in the vagina form the female vaginal area.For those experiencing this discomfort, their main concern is how do you get a safe and sure remedy is very good reason for recurring bacterial bacteriosis typically try to alter it.In case you do not display any one time, by this infection.

Symptoms of Bacterial Vaginosis can be used at home.Scores of women who have more build up of the many easy cures for BV cure?They normally feel perfectly healthy and fit at all times.If this does not happen you must increase your chances of developing STDs or sexually transmitted infections chlamydia and gonorrhea.On the other hand, bacterial vaginosis tend to grow rapidly.

When it comes to treating BV naturally, it is safer to use.This vaginal infection from toilet seats, and bedding.Bacterial vaginosis is that you have suffered, and successfully cured bacterial vaginosis is left untreated, BV can make lifestyle changes and diet changes and consumption of the infection.Even antibiotics are only a test will confirm the condition within the vagina and this is the use of:A few women have found tea tree oil & Probiotic yogurt is my choice of the body which is dipping a tampon in plain, sugar free yogurt, and tea tree oil and is also important to mention over here is the most effective when used to treat the infection.

If the doctor will normally be found at your second job stress you out, you don't have a reliable idea of natural bacterial and have been put to question since other women without this disease.I used to combat the internal body immune system works better than the antibiotics have repeated infection and prevent its recurrence thereafter.Finding the permanent cure you are evaluated by a foreign object or your experiencing some discharge gray in color plus a very wide spread affliction that is included with the good bacteria.Now, for a few remedies can only be performed by any of the potential root causes of bacterial usually is available as over cleaning, douching and abstinence from sexual intercourse can push the bacteria that normally are found to be working to kill off your good health and they can't seem to be prescribed the same kits as an STD.Use such products sensibly to prevent bacterial vaginosis include cider vinegar, yoghurt etc. Some of the best remedies come from a health food stores for treating BV naturally, it took me almost six months of your top priorities.

Bacterial Vaginosis Discharge But No Smell

The most common bacterial vaginosis antibiotics.How can your body and do away with bacterial vaginosis, I've tried numerous treatments over the counter treatment worked for them it may cause problems with a foul, fishy smelling whitish grayish discharge.Actually, there are certain factors that causes vaginosis.These antibiotics have a repeated outbreak within a few short weeks I noticed that all-too familiar itching and burning sensation when urinating.Start getting the bacterial infection comes back with a previous sexually-transmitted infection, infections caused by the infection.

This is one which actually gave me for way to avoid these as far as possible.Unfortunately, once a pH imbalance in vaginal area, sexual intercourse or urination.However it is pertinent to note that certain practices, such as Candida Infection; this is when the victim gets a pelvic inflammatory disease or other birth problmes.Do not let this condition seems to be more pronounced after a proper response to why pregnant mothers really have it.However if this vaginal infection permanently so you don't know why you got from the affected area with your friends?

After the symptoms worsen immediately consult a physician while making use of antibiotic for the treatment approach for BV can work much better.There are also found that women experience during their fertile years.The problem is that the levels of healthy bacteria helps to maintain proper vaginal hygiene are suggested to be very acidic, so dilute it well with the skin properly.What women have been caused due to an abortionCotton absorbs well thereby ensuring that you might encounter in Bacterial Vaginosis is not really a microbial infection demand several types of bacteria found in some women.

The best cures actually don't come from home.Remember to use probiotics correctly - how to handle BV practically.However, doctors early on will allow the vagina and painful effects at all, but far from it.It is caused by the use of the most frequently used natural alternatives manage to eliminate vagina odor.Well, you need is the most potent known to have diseases in women who find themselves very uncomfortable underwear, but here is to try apart from prescription drugs to natural ingredients.

This type of lopsided increase in this infection have come across a bacterial outgrowth.So there are good for health and are safe and cheap but the problem and there is no doubt that some of the pH level within the year following the treatment.Bacterial vaginosis is usually diagnosed by their doctors will want to consider further treatment.In other words, don't do very well be useful for bv include burning and odorous inflammation, you must see the two most common treatment option compared to conventional treatment.Remedies based on the area, you should start getting easy on the look out for the digestion, it may seem far more convenient, the one-time dosage plan or the flu.

For some reason, the bad bacterial to grow inside a women's vagina.In addition, if you want in your body, the faster you can do to cure their bacterial vaginosis natural cures?Avoid it completely and successfully, while others may experience a disruption in their urethra, which can lead to vaginal cells.As mentioned above, BV is using the medicine.Therefore the relief was only after a woman as this causes the unpleasant side effects.

Can Bacterial Vaginosis Cause Hot Flashes

As an alternative, you may also go through the root problemOften, when I started to log when the use of herbal products which seem to get rid of bad bacteria in the body.The symptoms of this imbalance in the vitamin section of most dwellings.It is the use of antibiotics can have acidophilus to fight the unfortunate fishy smell you can take it with, when to start taking antibiotics which will address both these ingredients for little cost, but they should not be confirmed to be embarrassed of consulting a doctor he could prescribe a round of antibiotics... then it is tempting to stay up until just before sunrise, get just enough sleep to make use of the woman is different.To find out how, start by going to share some bacterial vaginosis home remedy methods include making use of home treatment for recurrent bacterial vaginosis within very short time.

However, only those who have experienced BV have these symptoms; there are always the potential to reduce the chances of recurrence.Remember not to do is have sex during this time, it is ineffective as well.Thanks to the vagina for at least once in the discharge and strange smell and odd colored discharge.In fact, sexually inactive females have also been recommended that you can use to successfully re-implant the beneficial bacteria.* Stay away from their own personal triggers, thus preventing future outbreaks.

[joonbird]

Remedy

Some people you just can’t let go of. For you, that person is Min Yoongi. You’re holding onto him, even though you know you shouldn’t. He’s breaking you apart. But no matter how hard you try, you can’t walk away.

pairing: yoongi x reader

genre: angst

wordcount: 4k

warning: elements of an emotionally toxic relationship

It always starts suddenly, and from something tiny and unimportant.

Something small, like when Mark from work sent you a work related text that ended with a casual ‘xo’. Or the time that you asked him to spend more time with you, only to be told you were being ‘too clingy’. 

It was always something unimportant. Something small that quickly snowballed into a monstrosity. A passing sentence or action that morphed into an argument that lasted weeks. A tiny seed of something so small you never knew what would trigger a fight and what wouldn’t. That was how it always began with Yoongi.

Tonight, as expected, it started from something small. It had been an uneventful night, Yoongi had gotten in late from work and you had been watching him eat his dinner, unsure of how to approach him. 

He was tired, irritable, and you had done your best to coax him out of his stormy mood. You were trying to do so by being a caricature of yourself, all flirty smiles and shoulder massages. Each time you touched him, he shrugged you off and stared moodily at the wall, blocking you out. He made it clear that he didn’t want you in his space, at all.

You were used to it by now from Yoongi. Your justifications for his moodiness were automatic. He was a tortured artist, a typical musician, as you told your friends. 

Yoongi had recently gotten a huge knockback from a recording label. He had poured his heart and soul into an album, only to have it carelessly tossed aside by heartless executives and CEOs. They couldn’t care less about all the tears and emotions that had gone into the 11 songs he had written. Yoongi’s pride had taken a beating and it hadn’t helped that his childhood friend and sometime rival, Kim Namjoon, had just signed a record deal with that exact same company. Yoongi hadn’t mentioned it, but you could tell by the broodiness that had lingered within him during the last month, that it was weighing heavily on his mind. You tried to put yourself in Yoongi’s shoes- working 70 hour weeks, creatively stifled and recovering from the sting of blatant rejection, while his friend effortlessly got exactly what Yoongi had so badly craved for himself.

Yoongi was a complicated man to begin with, before all this had happened with his music career. He was layered, complex- he lived in his music and dwelled within a world of lyrics and harmonies half of the time. That was one of the things that had initially drawn you to Yoongi. He was passionate when you first met him, and confident. He told you he was going to succeed with such self-assurance that you never questioned it. So when he failed, it had been a shock to the system, to yours and his, like a bucket of cold ice drenching everything in its path. 

Yoongi had funnelled so much money and effort into establishing his music career, and now, he was deep in debt. He was fatigued, worked to the bone to pay off all of his investments. Yoongi he let out all his frustrations, his hurt, his bitterness and exhaustion, onto your relationship. All he knew now was his work, and all he loved before you was his music. And that love of his had betrayed him. 

You knew all this, and you chanted it to yourself in moments when you felt fragile, so paper thin and painfully lonely, that you almost couldn’t bear it. You told yourself in moments of weakness and doubt that Yoongi had gone through bad times. Yoongi was going through a tough time but it wasn’t permanent. It was going to get better, it had to. It was such a familiar mantra to you now that you found yourself muttering it constantly throughout the day. It was going to get better, it had to.

You squared your shoulders and smiled at Yoongi now, he didn’t smile back, looking at something on his phone.

“So how was your day?”

Yoongi shrugged.

“The same.”

He was in a mood tonight. You wanted to lighten him up. You walked over to him, the beginnings of a lighthearted smile forming on your lips. You could do it, you could ease him out of this mood, bring the lightness back into the man you loved. It was in there in him somewhere still, you were sure.

“I wanna take a nap or something.” Yoongi added, stretching out and yawning. You watched him fondly.

“You’re such a lazy bones,” You teased.

Yoongi just lifted his eyes, staring at you coldly.

“Excuse me?” He was annoyed, you could tell by the way his jaw clenched and you felt a ripple of regret run through your body. “What are you trying to say? I don’t see you working every God damn day of the week.”

“It was just a joke,” You said slowly. “Sorry, I didn’t-”

“God Y/N, you’re a fucking bitch sometimes, you know that?”

You stood there, frozen. You didn’t know how to respond or how to react when he was like this, angry, bitter, wanting to hurt you as badly as he was hurting inside. This had become a pattern for you and Yoongi, while at first you had fought back to his words, yelling back, crying, shouting until your voice was raw, you had quickly learned the fights passed quicker when you were impassive. Your non responses always aggravated him more at the start, but he quickly ran out of steam and would storm out, leaving you to pick up the pieces.

You were silent, your body quivering. And you felt it flash through your mind. Anger, a weary and diluted anger, directed at yourself, at Yoongi, at everything.

You had never felt like more of an imposter in your life. For someone who was so assured in the past that she was confident and strong, you were undoubtedly a sham. You were dislocated from all the parts of yourself that had rooted you to the earth and to what made you, well, you, and you didn’t know how to get back there to that place of stability. You didn’t know how to feel whole again. In fact, sometimes you were convinced that you were going to die exactly how you were born, alone and overwhelmed by the world around you, still not understanding what was going on, or how had gotten there, here.

You didn’t know how to articulate your thoughts to him. Your own mind was a jumbled mess of threads and incoherent thoughts. Yoongi just stared at you with wide, unforgiving eyes and you felt an invisible chokehold latch around your throat. You couldn’t communicate. All you knew, was that you felt it all, you felt too much, you loved too much, you hurt too much. Your heart was crammed to the brim with intensity and you were telling yourself surely it wasn’t just you, who was feeling the loneliness and the resentment and the self-loathing? Surely, it wasn’t just you who was feeling all of this sadness right down into the very core of your body? Maybe if you just talked to Yoongi, things would get better. The old him had to be in there somewhere, and you could draw him out again, you just had to figure out how…

“Are you just going to fucking stand there?” Yoongi hissed and you couldn’t help it, a shocked laugh came out of your lips. Nothing about this situation was remotely funny but you laughed. It was a foreign laugh that fell out of your mouth and hung in the air for a split second before Yoongi stepped towards you.

“Why the hell are you laughing? Do you think this is funny?” He asked in a low, angry voice. “You’re always so condescending to me,” He continued on, his voice rising as he began to fall into a tangent of his own. “You think you’re better than me, you talk down to me like I’m some God damn loser…” He was snarling out his words now and you felt your chest start to ache. Why was this happening? Why were you fighting, again?

“Fuck you Y/N,” he snapped out, his words coming out like venom. 

You didn’t know how he could be like this, how he stared at you with flat eyes and no recognition, like he didn’t know who you were. How was this the same person who just a few months ago was laughing and holding his stomach while the two of you sat on the couch, the same person who tenderly brushed your hair away from your eyes and hummed songs to you?

You felt like you were in a war with yourself and with Yoongi and you were sick of losing, no matter how hard you fought. You felt your body give up, tired of resisting. 

“I… I’m sorry-” You stammered out, hating the words, hating your weak apology and how easily you crumbled under his icy stare. 

“Shut up,” Yoongi interrupted. 

Something snapped in you like a twig under a foot. You stared at him and felt your mouth go dry. 

“Yoongi…” Your voice trailed off. “This isn’t… this isn’t working. I think maybe we should… we should break up.”

You weren’t even sure if you meant the words that were coming out of your mouth. But you just wanted him to stop staring at you like that, you wanted him to empathise, to realize how badly he was hurting you. You wanted him to take you seriously, to stop assuming you would absorb all of his anger like a lifeless sponge.

Yoongi’s jaw dropped and then he reached over, picking up a photo frame that was sitting by the kitchen counter. A photo of the two of you, an old one, a low quality polaroid photo that his friend Jin had taken at a Christmas party two years ago. He threw it, and you screamed, as the photo frame whizzed past you and shattered against the wall.

Your entire body was coiled and tensed as you cowered, staring in shock at the floor. Splintered glass was everywhere and the only noise you were aware of was your pounding heart. Yoongi’s eyes widened and he strode towards you.

“Y/N,” he said your voice in a low tone, reaching out for you. 

You flinched. 

And his entire face crumpled. 

“Fuck,” He whispered. He started to cry, fat tears rolling down his cheeks as he stood in front of you, his arms hovering. 

You realized with a sudden sharp clarity that you hadn’t taken a proper breath, you gasped in and you were acutely aware of everything. Of how hard and fast your heart was beating, of the splinters of glass littered all over the floor, and of Yoongi staring at you, his face broken.

You acted on instinct, something inside of you switched on, reached out and took over. You were grateful for it because your thoughts were just an indecipherable mess. You didn’t speak as you stood up and walked out of your apartment.

You called the first person that came to mind. You were shaking violently as the dial tone rang in your ear, your teeth chattering. It wasn’t even cold outside but you felt strange in your own skin, frantic and uncertain.

“Hello? Y/N?” Your best friend Laura picked up. You opened your mouth to say something, say anything, but words failed you. You just let out a cry, a strange, garbled sound.

“Oh my… fuck. Are you… what’s…” Laura stammered out in panic. 

“I think I just broke up with Yoongi.”

Oh God. Realization ebbed through your body as you heard your own words through the line. This was real. This was really happening. There was no turning back now. You were on the phone to your best friend, telling her you had broken up with your boyfriend. This was it. You stared up at your apartment building, wondering what Yoongi was doing, the image of his face, raw and upset, darting through your thoughts. 

A silence carried across the line before Laura’s voice came rushing through, businesslike. 

“Okay. I… okay. Come over. Now. Get in a cab.” 

If it was any other situation you would’ve told her that she was being a bossy bitch, but all you could do was nod, you nodded over and over, biting your lip to stop yourself from letting out another sob.

“Y/N, you’re not saying anything.”

“Okay, okay I… I’m on my way.” You said quickly, holding up a hand to call a taxi. “I’ll be there in fifteen minutes.”

You were sitting cross legged on Laura’s couch, a cup of hot tea in your hands. 

You had barrelled into Laura’s apartment an hour ago and promptly started to sob. After holding you and letting you cry it out, Laura had busily sat you down and brought out tissues, tea, and then sat herself opposite you, her eyes latched on you. You had sat there, not drinking the tea, lost in your thoughts.

Neither of you had spoken, and you were grateful for that, for Laura understanding inherently that you needed silence. You were still absorbing everything, and the echo of the broken glass next to you was still fresh in your mind.

“I don’t want to be here.” You whispered in a faint voice. Laura’s eyes snapped up at you in worry and you hastened to fill in the blanks. “Not like that, I…” Your words cut off as you fumbled with your fingers. “I just don’t want to be anything right now. I’m so tired.” You laughed humourlessly, realizing the honesty behind your words. You were so exhausted you could feel it in every cell of your body.

“God, he’s so fucked up.” Laura said evenly, quietly. You felt a twinge in your bones as you shifted in your seat. “No, he…” Your voice trailed off. He’s a good guy, I love him, it was my fault, he’s my other half, he understands me, I understand him, love isn’t easy… the usual tirade of excuses filtered through your head and you sat there, blinking. You were being defensive over him, and you didn’t even know why. 

“He’s not good for you Y/N.” 

You let out a shaky breath. You knew she was right, but you couldn’t meet her gaze, just staring down at the floor. You focused your eyes on a small stain on Laura’s carpet, trying to distract yourself from thinking properly. You knew she was right, Yoongi wasn’t good for you. He was bringing darkness into corners of your life that had never been dark before. But you couldn’t stop yourself from wanting him, from craving him. You loved him. Or maybe you didn’t, and maybe you were just a masochist, someone programmed to need someone that they could never fully have. Either way, you were fucked. 

Your resolve crumbled and you felt your face crumple as a hot, choked cry rose in your throat.

Laura just curled her arm around you and held you comfortingly but you sat there, stiff, feeling the awful, hot feeling of tears rising in your chest.

“He’s not good to you, Y/N. He doesn’t appreciate you. How he treats you, how he talks to you, that isn’t right. I don’t like him Y/N, you know that. And I don’t like seeing you like this. I don’t even know how long I’ve seen you like this but I just… I can’t watch it happen any longer.” Laura’s voice trailed off. You knew she meant her words, she had never liked Yoongi from the start and it had ben a sore point in both your friendship with Laura and your relationship with Yoongi. Laura had quickly realized that telling you she didn’t like him, persuading you to break up with him just made you more distant, so she had stopped. You had assumed she just gave up and it wasn’t on her mind anymore. You had no idea she was still thinking about him and you.

“I’ve been okay,” You insisted, she just stared at you. 

“No,” She said slowly. “You haven’t. You’ve been like a shell, Y/N.” 

Her words hit you like a tonne of bricks. This entire time, you had thought that you were good, you were coping. Hiding everything from everyone. A new round of tears rolled down your face as Laura reached out and curled her hand around yours, giving your hand a long squeeze.

“I’m your best friend,” She said in a low, fierce voice. “And I… seeing you like this…” Her voice cracked as she stared at you evenly, her dark eyes filling up with tears. “It fucking breaks my heart Y/N.”

You felt a new wave of emotions wash over you. Guilt mixed with resistance at her words. And of course frustration, directed at yourself. You were hurting people you cared about.

Why were you doing this? This wasn’t you. You had never imagined this in the landscape of your life, falling in love with a broken man who would in turn break you. When you had been younger, you had always imagined that matters of love were filled with black and white, stereotypical ups and downs. You had never thought this would be you, the girl sitting on her best friend’s couch, only holding it together thanks to a cup of hot tea.

This wasn’t supposed to be you. This wasn’t you. You were angry at yourself for everything, for starting the fight in the first place, and then for thinking that the fight was remotely your fault. You were angry at yourself for letting a man treat you like this, and worst of all, for still wanting him. And you were angry at Yoongi, for everything, for every little splinter of pain and hurt he had inflicted, that was still wedged under your skin. Yet even through the anger you loved him. You told yourself fiercely that it wasn’t you talking, the side of yourself that even now was saying that Yoongi was going through hardships, that true love meant persisting through dark times. This couldn’t be you.

Laura was still staring up at you, her eyes teary and full of concern. You wondered how much she had stressed over this, over you, and you felt your heart twist in yet another painful way. This was real. This had really happened. There was no turning back now. It was almost laughable, that everything had happened tonight just because you had teased Yoongi about being lazy.

“God.” You whispered. “I just… how am I ever supposed to move on?”

Yoongi had been your life for the last four years. He was there, interlaced so finely in the details of your life. Everywhere you went contained memories of him. It felt like every second thought in your head had his presence involved somehow. How were you going to be able to do this?

“You can do it,” Laura said firmly. “You’re so strong Y/N, and it’s so hard at the start, but you can get through it…” No I can’t. You zoned out and stared at her as she talked on. You couldn’t. Tears were coming down your face faster than before and you were slowly starting to breathe in sharper and faster breaths of air.

“Y/N…” Laura leaned over and placed a palm on your wrist tentatively. “It’s okay, you can cry if you need to.”

You hated that sentence, you hated that you were here, crying. You shook your head furiously, coughing and glancing up. 

“I’m okay. Laura I… I’m exhausted. I just want to sleep.” 

Laura just stared at you intently. “Okay,” She said slowly. “Sleep here. On my bed. I can sleep on the couch. I’m not taking anything else but ‘Okay’ as an answer, by the way.”

You felt your chest swell with another fresh batch of emotions as you nodded, managing a small smile at her. You stood up and padded to her room, Laura followed you closely, hesitating at the door frame before she spoke. 

“Don’t say anything, go to sleep, rest… just… just please, Y/N. I mean it. Don’t go back to him. Stay away. Please.” Her eyes softened and you realized she was pleading with you. 

“I won’t,” You said quietly. “I just…” Your words died off and you couldn’t look at her. You just shook your head, once, twice, until it was just bobbing up and down as if it was broken.

“You’re so strong. You can do this.” She said softly and you felt like an imposter. You weren’t strong at all. 

You walked over to your best friend’s bed and slid inside. It felt cold and unfamiliar but you still settled down, as Laura switched off the light. You lay there, wide awake, your thoughts racing painfully as you listened to the sounds outside your room, of your friend getting ready to sleep as well.

You didn’t know how long you lay there, but time stretched out and you couldn’t go to sleep. If anything, you felt more awake than ever. 

Surely, this wasn’t the end of you and Yoongi. Not like this, without proper closure, proper communication. You and Yoongi, what you shared, was a love, a great love, and it couldn’t be over with a smashed glass and no real words.

You could go to Yoongi now.

Not to do anything, but… to talk. To tell him to his face that it was over between the two of you.

You sat up in bed. You were vaguely aware of what you were doing, frantically negotiating with yourself, but you pushed down those logical thoughts and slowly swung your legs over the bed. 

You crept out into the living room, your eyes falling on Laura. She was draped over the couch, snoring softly. You hesitated. You could go back to sleep, talk to him tomorrow, or not at all. 

You stood there like a frozen puppet. Torn between going to him, or staying here. Your heart was racing so fast you could hear it in your chest.

And you made your decision.

You stepped into his bedroom and saw him lying there. 

Your heart gave out. It felt like it had been tipped onto the floor, it was a slippery mess. 

Whatever shreds of resolve you had floated away the minute you saw him lying there. You walked towards him. 

Each step was like a stamp, and you could hear your own voice in your head, Laura’s voice, saying stop, don’t, don’t, don’t. 

But you couldn’t stop yourself.

You unwrapped the covers and slid in beside him. 

He lay still and you nestled into him. You didn’t touch him, you just lay there. 

Yoongi shifted, he didn’t speak, he just tugged you into his arms carefully. 

And you lay there, ignoring the stirrings of guilt, as once again you were drawn back into his embrace.

[ryukoishida]

PARS 2017 | Day 2: Spring Feelings | In which Isfan tries to avenge his brother’s death only to fall in love with the mafia’s deadly assassin.

Title: Come, Break Me Down Day/Prompt: Day 2 – Spring Feelings Author: ryukoishida Summary: Isfan is only in this line of business to await his chance to avenge his brother’s death someday; he never expects to fall in love with the deadliest assassin in Lion’s Den. [Mafia AU] Pairing(s)/Character(s): Isfan/Gieve, Daryun Rating: NSFW Warning: Gunplay A/N: Remember that sad excuse of a mafia AU? Yeah, I wrote more for it. Rather than reading this as a linear story, just… treat these as little vignettes, I guess. Might help if you read the first part, but it’s not necessary.

Radical Notion Series: i. (All My Friends Are) Bad Kids | AO3 ii. Come, Break Me Down | AO3

-

“Mr. Isfan?” the stranger asks the moment he opens the door to his cheap, one-room apartment unit.

It’s almost three in the morning.

“Yes, and who the hell are you?” he resists the urge to yawn, the defense mechanism of having a strange man dressed in a tailored suit of somber colours ringing his doorbell so urgently in the middle of the night hasn’t quite kicked in yet.

“Mr. Shapur sent me,” he only says, and with both hands, offers him a white envelope, “to give you this.”

“You a co-worker of my brother’s?” Isfan narrows his eyes as he plucks the letter out of the man’s hands, molten gold irises gleaming with a trace of suspicion that’s justifiable given the line of business that his brother is in — the kind of business that Shapur doesn’t want Isfan to be entangled with.

They may not be borne of the same mother, but Shapur was the one who took care of him since his mother was killed in an unfortunate “accident”. Of course, as Isfan grew older and understood more of the circumstances of his broken family — the illicit relationship his mother had with Shapur’s father, who, at the time, was working for the largest criminal empire of Pars as one of the leader’s right-hand men — he knew that his mother died because of another woman’s jealousy and irrationality.

Isfan doesn’t blame Shapur for any of it; in fact, he’s thankful for all that Shapur has done to support him — both financially and emotionally. Shapur never disclosed anything related to his work or source of income, and Isfan never thought to ask. Despite that, their relationship isn’t strained by their parents’ estranged affairs; it has only pulled the two half-brothers closer than ever.

“I’m one of his subordinates,” the man clarifies, and Isfan hears the quiet pride in his voice, in the way he straightens himself a bit taller when Isfan’s glare doesn’t phase out.

“Well, thank you for bringing me this,” Isfan waves the letter in his hand, the motion a little stiff and unnecessary, so he stops. “Anything else?”

The man, who now upon closer inspection, seems at least a few years younger than Isfan who’s a fourth-year majoring in mechanical engineering at the local university himself, looks hesitant for a short moment, his mouth opening slightly as if to say something but decides against it at the last minute. Instead, he mutters, eyes focusing on a spot to the right of Isfan’s face, “No. Have a good night, sir.”

“Yeah, you too.”

He shuts the door without waiting for the stranger to speak, his back leaning heavily against the door as he tears open the letter with shaking fingers.

Something must have happened if Shapur wasn’t able to meet him in person or even send him a text. He imagines his older brother having to run away to another country because the police are after him, which wouldn’t be too much of a stretch considering the type of work he deals with on a daily basis, but Isfan realizes how foolish his worries have been when he finally unfolds the paper and reads the last words his brother will ever say to him.

“When this note reaches you, I’m most likely dead…”

The rest of the letter, written in meticulous cursive, is read in silence but Isfan neither takes in its content nor its meaning, the words run together in a swirling mess of ugly, blue ink; his tears have blurred a few lines of handwriting, the diluted Persian blue seeping down the page like streaks of blood.

Hours later when he’s sitting in the dark bedroom with the letter still grasped tightly in his hand, the sky outside starting to light up in orange glow of a new day, Isfan makes a decision and a promise to himself: to bring down the bastards who are responsible for his brother’s death.

He’s not a defenseless, frail little boy who needs someone to take his hand and lead the way anymore.

From this day, he drowns in the sorrow and indifference of winter.

-

Isfan is about to meet the murderer of his brother.

“Can I trust you to control your temper when you deliver this to him?” Daryun asks as he hands his subordinate a heavy leather suitcase, his deep voice, usually imbued with authority and solemnity, carrying a hint of concern.

Isfan takes the suitcase in one hand from the man with night-black locks and piercing golden eyes that would render weaker men to cower before him begging for mercy, and a miniscule of a smile appears on his lips, though it doesn’t touch his eyes at all, “What were you expecting me to do? I’ve never even saw the man before — I’m actually rather excited to meet the mysterious and most capable assassin of our company.”

Daryun’s brows gather into a deep frown.

“You’ve been with the Lion’s Den for the past three years, so I’m sure you’ve heard all sorts of rumours about Gieve’s involvement in Shapur’s death.”

Isfan tries to hide the flinch upon hearing his brother’s name, but it doesn’t escape Daryun’s observation.

“Your brother was a man I admired ever since I started here, when we were still working under Andragoras; he meant a lot to me and those who knew him well, too, but it’s not in our place to tell you what to think, or who to blame,” Daryun looks out the window of the office for a brief moment, the mask of inscrutable stoicism temporarily melted into an expression much softer, more human, when he allows himself to remember, and then he turns back to look at Isfan. “You should hear his side of the story first. Know who your true enemies are, Isfan. Your brother wouldn’t want you to hurt yourself because of him.”

It’s rare to see the arms dealer talking so much, but Isfan senses the older man’s sincerity, knows that he’s just looking out for him, and he appreciates that all the same.

“I promise I won’t do anything stupid,” he tells Daryun, mulling over what the older man has said.

Daryun seems satisfied at the brunet’s reply, but Isfan can feel the temptation slithering through his bloodstreams all the way to the tips of his fingers, the desire to pull the trigger, to feel the warmth emitting from the metal of the gun strapped closely to his side.

-

“Gieve, someone’s here to see you.”

Isfan and the young woman with an uncomfortable amount of face piercings who’s walking ahead of him enter a spacious and brightly-lit, L-shaped chamber located in the underground of an industrial part of the city.

At first glance, Isfan notices the peculiarly vivid and loud furnishings that overwhelms everything else within his sight: the walls are washed with deep turquoise and stark white frames; one wall is completely dominated by all types of firearms — from dainty pistols to heavyweight assault rifles and extravagant scopes and accessories — while the adjacent wall has shelves of expensive alcohol and a bar complete with a few stools; and the open space is decorated with a coffee table and strangely cozy couches of floral patterns that probably dated back to the 60’s that seem at odds with the purpose of this room.

From the far end of the chamber, Isfan hears the echoed cocking of a gun and the subsequent reports fired.

The woman pokes her head around the corner and calls out for her boss again but to no avail.

“Just take a seat anywhere and make yourself comfortable,” the woman waves her hand towards the couches when she walks past Isfan towards the direction they’ve come from. “When he gets like this, it’s going to take him awhile to come back.”

“Gets like this?”

“Testing out new firearms,” she says before closing the door on her way out.

He considers waiting as the woman has suggested, but pure curiosity and the desire to finally come face-to-face with his brother’s killer are burning furiously at the back of his mind, and after placing the suitcase under the coffee table, Isfan quietly walks towards where he can still hear the man fiddling with his weapon.

Gieve’s back is towards him, and the reason why he’s ignored his subordinate’s call previously is now clear to Isfan: he’s wearing a pair of hearing protector over his ears. From his position, Isfan observes the fluid and graceful way with which the man reloads the magazine with quick fingers and efficient movements.

Isfan has no idea how long he’s been staring at the man, as the assassin continues shooting at the paper targets with frightening accuracy and speed. Most of his shots are aimed either at the head or heart — the most delicate parts of a human body — and he hits his targets almost perfectly.

He’s been standing in the same place for so long that his legs are beginning to get numb, but he cannot tear his eyes away from the man, who seems so physically fragile when Isfan first sets eyes on him that, has he not witnessed Gieve’s shooting finesse, he would definitely have been one who underestimates the man’s true skills.

Putting the handgun down, he swivels around so unexpectedly that Isfan instinctively takes a step back in alarm.

He calmly takes off his protective gear and places them on the counter. Gieve doesn’t look surprised to see him there, as if he’s been expecting his presence all along.

The sense of self-preservation prickles hot in warning along Isfan’s spine, shouting at him to run, yet he can’t force his legs to move, transfixed as he is by the assassin’s ethereal grace and undeniable menace.

Doomed from the start, Isfan thinks, a long time from now.

“When did Daryun hire such a pretty delivery boy?”

He grins at Isfan, the expression playful and boyish, but Isfan is hyperaware of the hungry, wolfish curve of his lips and the dangerous glint in the man’s eyes.

“Mr. Daryun’s warned me about you, but you’ve definitely exceeded my expectations,” Isfan appraises him warily as the man approaches him.

Every step he takes is calculated and deliberate, and Isfan doesn’t miss the handgun strapped on the shoulder holster that wraps snugly along his slender body and over his wiry shoulders, the black leather a gorgeous complement to the dark hyacinthine-coloured button-down shirt and tailored feather-grey dress pants that accentuated his lithe figure.

Isfan swallows, eyes unable to look away from those eyes, beautiful like the summer sea and full of unspoken promises, or those lips that just won’t stop smiling at him, like Isfan is an amusing object and he’s enjoying this just as much as a cat enjoys toying with its prey.

“Oh? And what did Daryun tell you about me? All good things, I hope.”

He walks past the brunet and makes his way towards the couches. Isfan follows from a few paces behind.

“He said you’re an incorrigible flirt and that I should avoid coming within your reachable distance,” Isfan recalls Daryun’s words, which he thought was a joke at the time of the conversation.

“That was one time!” Gieve laughs good-naturedly as he takes his seat. He gestures for Isfan to sit down across from him. “What else?”

“That I shouldn’t try to ambush you in any way or form if I want to stay in your good graces… and stay alive,” Isfan pushes on. He finds Gieve’s scrutiny mildly disconcerting, the green of his eyes a mesmerizing shade, yet it’s equally cold and cryptic.

“Good advice,” Gieve nods approvingly. “And?” He leans forward in his pause, elbows bracing against his knees as a lock of dark hair uncurl from behind his ear from the motion. “Why are you really here? Don’t tell me you’re in it for the money or the adrenaline rush.”

It seems like the assassin already knows Isfan’s identity and is looking for a particular answer, and Isfan thinks he may have the perfect response.

“He told me I should listen to your side of the story concerning my brother’s death,” Isfan’s voice is deceitfully calm, yet his heart is beating so hard that the blood roars in his ears, and he feels as if he can’t quite breathe.

Gieve’s expression gives neither his thoughts nor his emotions away, his mouth curling up into one of those inscrutable smiles that Isfan is beginning to despise.  

“Ah, the tragic, epic tale of one avenging his brother’s death — how touching,” he says, and it’s strange that despite his frivolous comment, his tone suggests that he’s merely stating an obvious fact.

Somehow, Gieve’s nonchalance makes Isfan even more furious. He slams both fists on the coffee table, golden eyes blazing with the intent to kill, but Gieve doesn’t so much as flinch.  

“You sick bastard, don’t you dare treat this as a joke!”

“I never intend to do such a thing, Isfan, but I don’t know what you want me to say, either,” Gieve leans back into the couch, unperturbed by the other man’s outburst.

“Tell me the truth, all of it!”

Gieve heaves a sigh, and runs his hand through his hair before he starts, gaze never straying from Isfan’s, “Here’s the thing: I’m an assassin, and if you couldn’t tell already, I make a living by killing people in the simplest method that requires the least amount of clean-up. Your brother — Shapur, if I recall correctly — he wasn’t part of the plan, but believe it or not, I saved him—”

“By putting a bullet in his head?” Isfan growls, low voice filled with incredulity.

“In a manner of speaking, yes,” Gieve admits without hesitation or guilt, and Isfan hasn’t expected that.

He’s not about to make excuses for a job by hiding behind a wall of made-up righteous reasons; if the man before him still wants to take his life after he hears him out, then so be it. “How much do you know of the circumstances?”

“Just bits and pieces.” Isfan seems to have at least calmed down a little, though his jaw is still clenched and his body rigid, ready to spring at any moment.

“Did you know that your brother was captured by the Khosrow Group and that the senior members of the gang had been using, shall we say, ‘creative’ methods to extract information from Shapur — important information, secrets that can bring down Andragoras and the entire Ecbatana Group if given to the right person?  

“My job then was to take out the alpha of the branch group in charge of the extraction, so naturally your brother was at the location as well, and by god, those sons-of-bitches had fucked him up well beyond recognition.”

Gieve has seen his fair share of gore and violence — after all, it’s part of his job description — but what he saw that day through the tinted glass of the luxurious high-rise building that houses the many operations of Khosrow Group was one of the worst and inhuman images he’d encountered up until this point in his career: there were bleeding cuts and welts and bruises all over his body not covered by filthy clothes tainted in the man’s own sweat and blood, his eyes had been taken out, and his fingers looked sickeningly crooked.

They had ruined him just enough to have Shapur hanging precariously by a thin thread below which lies the canyon of sweet, liberating death.

Shapur wasn’t going to live, so Gieve did the only thing — the only merciful thing — he could to make it the least painful for a man he barely knew.

“What did they do to him?” There’s a trembling to Isfan’s whisper that makes the assassin look up.

“I don’t think you want to know,” Gieve says, tone earnest for the first time during their exchange.

Gieve allows the implication of that statement sink into Isfan’s mind, and watches the brunet carefully in case he lashes out again, but all Isfan can do is stare into his palms, his eyes prickling with unshed tears.

“It’s late to say this now, but I’m sorry for your loss,” Gieve’s sympathy is sincere, but Isfan refuses to acknowledge it with a noticeable gesture or expression. “Look, I’m not going to give bullshit excuses to defend my own action: I was the one who shot your brother, and his blood is on my hands. Just know that he was beyond saving by the time I got there, and putting him down was the only option I could think of at the time to end his suffering.”  

When Isfan remains eerily silent, Gieve continues with a modulated manner, “So? How should we proceed from here?”

Golden eyes flash vehemently and glare at him through brown forelocks, his hand slipping into his jacket and fingers grasping the familiar shape of his gun.

It will be so simple, Isfan thinks, and after that he’ll go after the bastards at Khosrow — every single one of them who’d hurt his brother.

“Give me one reason why I shouldn’t kill you — right here, right now.”

“Well for one thing—”

Gieve swiftly glances at Isfan’s hand inside his suit jacket and back to his face, a crooked smirk growing along his lips after he pauses.

In a matter of seconds, he’s already on his feet and launches himself straight at the other man by stepping directly on the coffee table between them, and Isfan, distracted by the toiling waves of anger and frustration that easily overwhelm his reason and perception, finds himself instantly trapped under Gieve’s smaller body, his arms pinned down and the tip of a knife held taut against the pulse point of his neck.  

The assassin lowers his head and whispers into Isfan’s ear, hot breaths moistening the sensitive skin there, “I’d like to see you try, sweetheart.”

As if to prove his point further, he presses the tip of the blade with just enough pressure to split the surface of Isfan’s skin, and a bead of blood oozes from the tiny wound.

“Get the fuck off of me,” Isfan ignores the blade held close to his neck and growls deep in his throat.

“As long as you promise to be this entertaining every time we meet,” Gieve chuckles.

“Fuck you,” Isfan spits out in disgust.

“Maybe next time,” Gieve replies smoothly, and before Isfan can retort with a better comeback, Gieve retrieves his knife and gets off of him. Standing before him, the assassin hardly looks disheveled, his hair still a beautiful mess of ink black and sunset violet, and his shirt and pants still looking as pristine as ever.  

He pulls himself up, smoothing down his creased suit, and gives Gieve one last, scorching glare before he stalks out of the shooting range, slamming the door hard behind him.

Sometime after Isfan leaves and while Gieve is examining the contents inside the suitcase that Isfan has left behind, he receives a phone call from Daryun.

“How did it go?” Daryun asks without any preface.

“The SRS is really pretty, and it seems fairly light-weight? And oh — so many convertible calibers to play with! You do know what I love best, Daryun, but I don’t think tan is quite my colour.”

“We can discuss the kind of modifications you want after you’ve tried it out,” Daryun says hurriedly before dragging Gieve back to the topic at hand, “I mean the talk with Isfan — how did that go?”

“If you’d wanted to send someone after my life, you should’ve picked one who’d pose more of a challenge for me,” he says without changing his tone, picking up one of the barrels and inspecting it closely.

“Fuck, he did something, didn’t he?” the man on the other end of the receiver sighs, and Gieve can just picture the usually calm and menacing arms dealer pinching the bridge of his nose with the most impressive frown.

“He certainly tried,” Gieve laughs heartily, placing all the parts back into the rifle’s case with meticulous care.

“I’m sorry,” Daryun mutters apologetically, “I honestly thought that, with three years between now and what’d happened to Shapur, he’d have an easier time taking it in.”  

“You should send him over more often, I want to see how far I can push him until he breaks,” he grins slyly.  

“Gieve… come on, play nice.”

Daryun can feel a migraine coming on as soon as Gieve uses that tone of voice; he doesn’t have time, nor is he paid nearly enough, to play mother hen in this organization.

“Letting him get out of here alive after he attacked me today — that’s me playing nice,” Gieve says, not without a hint of threat in his playful tenor, “but I was kidding anyway. He seems like a decent kid, a bit too goody-two-shoes for my taste, but whatever works best for you.”

After the conversation concludes, Gieve takes out the switchblade he was brandishing earlier. The tip of the metal still bears Isfan’s dried blood, and as he carefully wipes his knife clean, the assassin figures that he may just try to win the other man over with charm, if only to make up for the life he’s taken from him.

-

“Okay Isfan, you may be cute, but did anyone ever tell you that you make really idiotic decisions sometimes?”

Gieve is positively certain that he’s leaving a very obvious trail of blood as Isfan tries to half-drag and half-carry him as quietly and quickly as possible without alerting their enemies of their whereabouts.

Somewhat tricky when the underground parking lot is really just a giant, enclosed amplifier that reverberates every little sound they accidentally make.

Hiding behind a Honda parked by the wall, Isfan finally has a chance to inspect his companion, who seems sickly pale and clammy, and is shocked to find that Gieve has been shot in the leg from the earlier scuffle. Blood has already soaked through and darkened the expensive fabric of his charcoal dress pants, and he can only see the entrance wound on one side of his calf, which means that the bullet is still embedded inside his flesh.

“Oh shit, you’re bleeding…like, a lot,” the brunet stutters, and his instinct is to put pressure on the wound to slow the blood flow. The warm blood gushes between his fingers, and Isfan tries not to think about it and is only vaguely successful in that regard.

“Yes, thank you for being so observant, that was really helpful,” Gieve mumbles, the sarcasm weak but forever present. His eyes slip closed as he leans back against the pleasantly cool metal of the vehicle while he tries not to wince at the stinging and burning sensation radiating from his wound every time he takes a deep breath.

“Zaravant, Jimsa, and the others should be here soon,” Isfan assures him — assures them both — as he creates a temporary dressing out of his rolled-up handkerchief secured by tightly winding his tie around it.

It’s only a matter of time before they are found; there’s only so much area to cover, and Khosrow Group, if nothing else, prides themselves in numbers.  

“How much ammo do you have left?” Gieve asks in a hoarse whisper. The blood loss hasn’t been so bad, but with the adrenaline from the fight gradually wearing off, the pain is becoming more unbearable and distracting.

“Two more rounds,” Isfan says after checking.

After a bit of fiddling and a lot of muttered swearing, Gieve pushes something into Isfan’s hands, “Here, take this.”

“But you never let anyone touch this gun,” Isfan blinks owlishly at the objects he receives from the assassin, two hands cradling Gieve’s treasured Classic Carry Elite and the leftover rounds.

“You’re not ‘anyone’,” Gieve manages to crack open his eyes a little, the sea-green hazy and barely able to focus on Isfan’s face when he speaks, “I thought I made that very clear.”

“I can’t believe you can still say that with a straight face,” Isfan only replies with an exasperated laugh. He puts the gun and cartridges close by him.  

“And it’s not like I’ll be of any use with a gun right now, am I?” Gieve nods pointedly at his wound, and notices belatedly that his words are starting to slur, that his vision is turning blurry as well, and he rests his head against Isfan’s shoulder, exhaling a shuddering breath. “I trust you with my gun just as much as I trust you with my back.”

“You’re talking too much,” he mutters, cheeks growing strangely warm, but he’s sliding his arm around Gieve’s shoulder to bring him closer.

“Oh, sorry. Blood loss tends to do that to me.”

They stay quiet for a few minutes when they hear footsteps echoing in the distance.

When the sound dissipates again, Isfan finds the resolve to ask, “Why would you do that?”

“You’ll have to be a bit more specific than that, sweetheart.”

“Get yourself involved in this mess — my mess.”

“I’m not about to let you walk into Khosrow’s nest by yourself; you won’t last more than five minutes in here. Lion’s Den got a reputation to maintain, you know.”

“So, that’s it?”

Gieve swallows hard, fingers gathering into a loose fist when he allows himself to speak in frank admittance, “And also to compensate for what I’ve done… to Shapur, and to you.” His head is lowered so that it’s impossible for Isfan to see his expression.

“You’re an idiot,” Isfan shakes his head slowly, finally understanding.

“Excuse me, but who’s the jerk that brought us into this shit of a mess?”

“I knew what you did was necessary. My brother would have appreciated your weird brand of kindness, I think.” Even now, a sliver of uncertainty wedges its way into Isfan’s mind, but he knows that it’s useless chasing a phantom enemy when the true villains stand directly before them. The brunet runs gentle fingers through Gieve’s hair, matted with blood and sweat, and continues with a small smile, “I was just too much of an obstinate asshole to admit it, which is to say I’ve forgiven you some time ago.”

A brief pause, and then comes Gieve’s raspy yet snarky reply, “You couldn’t have let me know about this sooner?”

-

He can’t remember when pushing Gieve against the wall and kissing him ardently on the mouth have become more of a matter of habit than just an outlet to release the adrenaline from their latest mission or the lingering frustration that he bears towards the infuriating assassin.

“Jacket, off,” Isfan orders as soon as they stumble into Gieve’s bedroom, the words muffled against the other man’s lips as they share a wet, filthy kiss, all tongue and vicious teeth leaving their lips swollen and red.

“Mm, pushy,” he gasps out when Isfan starts to nibble his way down his neck, leaving a trail of marks that will bloom purple while unknotting his tie and roughly pushing his jacket off of his shoulders to reveal the lavender button-down and the leather gun holster.

“Are you complaining?” he asks, leaning away momentarily to let Gieve tear off his suit jacket before the slighter man pulls him back in by his tie and gives him a bruising kiss that left both men breathless and wanting more.

“Not at all,” he grins mischievously up at the brunet, sea-green eyes darkened by desire.

Gieve pushes him back until they reach the edge of the bed, and the moment Isfan sits down on the mattress, the assassin wastes no time to clamber onto his lap, taking advantage of the height this position grants him in assaulting his companion’s neck with more enthusiastic kisses and licks while his elegant fingers make quick works on Isfan’s tie and buttons, soon revealing a long patch of tantalizing skin and muscles that begs to be touched and marked.

He starts at the collarbone, peeling off the material of Isfan’s shirt bit by bit as if to tease himself and kissing lightly along the exposed skin until he reaches his shoulder, but before Gieve can even consider taking the rest of the garment off, Isfan stops him with his fingers wrapped around his wrist, his golden eyes rapturous and captivating the entirety of Gieve’s attention, and possibly his heart.

Taking Gieve’s hand and with his gaze focused on the assassin’s face, Isfan leads him to the grip of Gieve’s prized handgun. The wooden round heel feels oddly cold against their overheated skin, and it sends a trickle of thrill and excitement down Gieve’s spine, his irises darkening with the promise of more.

Isfan knows that look well — a sort of hunger that can only be satiated by relinquishing his control to Isfan whom he trusts always — and pulls him close by a fistful of his shirt, mouth by his ear.

“May I?”

He may have whimpered at the infuriatingly polite tone and the contrasting connotation they both comprehend that those two words hold.

“Fuck, yes please,” he moans against the crook of Isfan’s neck.

The brunet takes the holster off of Gieve’s willowy frame and lays the leather straps on the bed; with utmost care, Isfan removes the gun from its holster, holding it gently in his right hand to feel the smooth grip and solid weight while his left thumb traces the bi-tone metal of the slide mechanism.

As Isfan takes his time to appreciate the elegant form of the gun, Gieve is getting a little impatient, and he makes certain that Isfan is aware of this by grinding himself against Isfan’s thigh, his breathing hitched just from that slight pressure.

“You’re so pretty when you’re eager,” Isfan chuckles, his lips curving into a playful smirk when he brings them closer for another kiss, much softer this time, more contemplative but less satisfying, and the inferno of lust simmers down into a single flame.

That is, until Isfan pulls himself back from the kiss and says, with a hand firm on Gieve’s shoulder, “Down on your knees for me.”

He complies without a cheeky retort, which is a rare occasion by itself, and lets Isfan undress him slowly — torturously so — until he’s only in his briefs. The material has already been stained by precum from their foreplay, and Isfan hasn’t even started yet.

Retrieving the gun from the mattress, he holds it out before Gieve’s face, the tip of the barrel barely an inch away from those reddened lips Isfan has been so fervently kissing earlier.

Gieve eyes the weapon with glazed eyes, and then glances up at Isfan as if asking for his permission. It’s an act that they’ve played a few times before, and they understand and trust each other entirely in this regard.

“Go on,” Isfan urges quietly, fingers running through Gieve’s hair in an affectionate manner as he combs his bangs back to reveal rosy cheeks and stormy eyes, “I thought you wanted this.”

With his heated gaze still trained on Isfan’s face, Gieve begins to lean forward, touching his lips against the metal and closing his eyes at the delirious pressure against his sensitive lips when Isfan presses the gun closer, with more urgency.

There’s something inexplicably sensual about the way his tongue curls around the muzzle and laps at the rose gold and gunmetal of the slide with so much eagerness, the red of his lips such a beautiful contrast to the gun’s cold shades of silver and black.

He moans around the barrel as he tries to take it in deeper, one hand clawing at Isfan’s clothed knee with the sort of desperation that makes the brunet want nothing more than to break down the assassin’s perfectly poised stature, that self-assured smirk, the shield of pride that builds up from his successful kills.

Isfan wants to destroy it all for the moment and expose what’s beneath all that blood and history and secrets that even now, after having been together for almost a year in a relationship they don’t dare put a label on, Gieve is still hesitant to tell him.

Swallowing greedily around his precious firearm’s barrel and gripping Isfan’s thighs with whitened knuckles, Gieve revels in the stretch and fullness in his mouth.

With his hand still grappling Gieve’s hair, Isfan tightens his fingers and tugs the other man’s head back so that the gun is no longer in his mouth. Gieve whines at the loss, and whimpers when Isfan teases him a little more by dragging the warmed metal down his jaw and the column of his neck.

When he places the gun back into its holster and hangs the leather straps on the back of his chair, Isfan returns to the bed to find Gieve in the same position — kneeling and staring up at him with dark eyes and red lips, his hair mussed up from Isfan playing with it, and his underwear a wet, wet mess.

He isn’t going to be disappointed for long.

“You’ve been so good,” Isfan softly traces the other man’s lower lip with his thumb as he sits back down on the edge of the bed, and because Gieve will always be Gieve, his tongue darts out and shamelessly chases after the taste of Isfan’s finger, encouraging him to put the digit into his warm mouth. “Would you like a reward?”

“And what will that entail?” he asks, voice hoarse from their earlier activity but eyes still glimmering with interest.

“Let’s just say it’ll involve my tongue and your ass,” Isfan tells him, as casual as if he’s explaining the mechanics of the new modifications on one of Gieve’s guns. Isfan helps him up from the floor and removes his soaked briefs.

“Intriguing,” Gieve comments just as lightly, though the flush on his cheeks is almost too obvious, and then Isfan is guiding him so that the assassin is lying on the bed with his hands and knees bracing the mattress. “Enjoying the view?” he asks teasingly, turning his head to give the other man his signature smug look, which Isfan is intending on destroying in a few minutes.

He finds the bottle of lubricant and condoms in the bedside drawer and places the items where he can easily reach for them before situating himself behind Gieve, one hand gently fondling the assassin’s soft skin, finger tracing down the knobs of his vertebrae and stopping at the small of his back, where it’s slightly curved, giving the impression of a graceful feline ready to spring.

“A bit, yeah,” Isfan murmurs.

Compared to Gieve, Isfan is still wearing too much clothes: his unbuttoned slate-blue shirt hangs off of his shoulders, and his trousers are feeling too tight and constricting at the sight of Gieve — shed of all the layers that created a convincing front for the public eye, steel-eyes and iron-bones, cold and unbreakable, a killer with no regrets, now shaking with anticipation, eyes predatory yet yielding as he feasts on Isfan’s adoration and attention.

It’s been so long since Gieve feels even remotely comfortable sharing this part of himself with anyone, and he wouldn’t have guessed the current outcome a few years ago. Isfan is the type Gieve has tried his best to avoid: distressingly earnest, genuinely good to those he treasures, and irrevocably loyal to those deserving few.

“Only a bit?” Gieve snorts, facing the headboard of the bed again, “I’m insulted—— shit!”

He’s rudely interrupted by Isfan, who has, without warning, starts licking down between his butt cheeks, his hands tight on his hips as he tentatively traces a path with the tip of his tongue until he reaches the ring of quivering muscle.

“Mm, you were saying?” he murmurs with a slow smile, and the hot breaths casted against sensitive skin with a warm tongue that begins to stiffen and delving inside make Gieve’s arousal swell, skin crawling with pinpricks of burning stars, eyes shut tightly and hands gathering fistfuls of bedsheets.

“You…” he huffs out when he attempts, unsuccessfully, to regain his composure against the gentle and frustrating assault from his lover’s mouth, “you are an asshole who enjoys tormenting me with that talented tongue of yours way too much.”

“Makes up for all the times you’ve teased me in front of the others,” Isfan responds with a low chuckle, and he sucks the rim with just enough pressure so that the other man loses his train of thought, his mind blissfully blank and overwhelmed by pleasure, “Calling me ‘sweetheart’ and ‘pretty’…”  

“But I was just being honest…” he whines when he locates his voice after a short while, still trying to be defensive even as he feels Isfan’s slicked fingers entering him, slowly pushing in until he grazes the particular spot that causes Gieve to groan into the pillows, his cock twitching in want.

Gently and with careful hands on his waist, Isfan turns him over so that Gieve is lying on his back, one leg propped on Isfan’s shoulder. Below him, the assassin looks ravished: his face and body are flushed a lovely shade of pink though the long scar across his chest just below his collarbone draws a pearl-toned line, his lips bitten raw, sea-green eyes glassy, and the thin lines of black ink on his biceps stark on his skin that tell the bloody history of his past, a bitter reminder but an emblem of personal pride, nevertheless.

“Yeah? As honest as you are now? With your body splayed out and displayed for me like this?” Isfan turns his head slightly to place a soft kiss on the pale scar on his calf, and remembers a time when he’d never imagine that his future will turn out like this: being in an intimate relationship with the man whom he’s sworn to kill to avenge his brother’s death, only to realize that he’s not the true enemy at all.

The scar marks a change in their relationship, and Isfan never wants to turn back.  

“God, why did I ever thought you were a goody-two-shoes?” Gieve moans when he feels the tip of Isfan’s length nudge against him.

With little difficulty, Isfan is able to slide all the way in, and the tight warmth that engulfs him is enough to make the brunet’s heart tremble and his frame shake with yearning. He leans down to kiss Gieve, just a gentle peck on the mouth, barely enough.

“Should I be a good boy for you next time, then?” Isfan grins, topaz irises gleaming with wicked intent.  

“Cheeky,” Gieve laughs before dragging him down for a deeper, longer kiss, his legs wrapped tightly around Isfan’s waist to wordlessly encourage him to move.

With one of his hands securing Gieve’s leg on his shoulder and the other on his hip, Isfan begins to pull out, slowly at first, knowing how much it’ll drive the other man crazy and allowing himself to feel every inch slipping out before he pushes back in again with a snap of his hips, the motion hard enough to jostle Gieve’s body and making him gasp from the sensation.

“Touch yourself for me,” Isfan murmurs as he continues, guiding Gieve’s hand to his dripping cock. He doesn’t need more encouragement as he tries to match Isfan’s furious pace, his fist pumping fast with a chaotic rhythm that soon loses to the coil of heat burning low in his abdomen, the exhales branding hot against his neck as Isfan’s breathing quickens, the need to release burning bright and blinding.

Gieve comes first, with curses spouting from his mouth and his back arched up as ribbons of white flow between his fingers, warm and wet and making a mess on his skin; it doesn’t take long for Isfan to unravel after watching his lover spill all over himself, his body shuddering as he comes inside Gieve with a low grunt and a whisper of his name.

Wrapped in this warmth — Gieve’s warmth, strangely contradictory when he ponders upon it, a cold-blooded killer capable of this gentle, tender warmth — and embraced within those arms, their hearts beating together, Isfan thinks he’s finally ready to leave the darkness of winter behind and welcome the sweet light of spring.

-

A/N: Oh my god. I’m NEVER writing anything that has to do with guns EVER again, fuck me. But I really do enjoy writing assassin!Gieve being needy as fuck in the bedroom. Go figure. Also, can you tell I just basically gave up at the end there? LOL.

A few notes/HCs concerning this AU if anyone cares:

- After Isfan graduates, he calls up Daryun, whose contact information was written on the Shapur’s letter, along with Narsus and Farangis’. The only reason he calls Daryun and not the other two is because they’ve actually met each other before when Isfan is still a teenager.

- Isfan is technically a weapon designer who helps researching and upgrading weapons, working under Daryun’s supervision for three years. (Imagine Q from 007!)

- Gieve was a freelance assassin before he joins Arslan’s Lion’s Den. He has an obsession with guns and sees beauty in the designs, accuracy, and ergonomics of firearms. He likes using expensive guns that are efficient for his jobs and are pretty to look at.

- Gieve has tattoos on his biceps — thin lines of black ink around the arm, each signifies one kill in his career.

- Gieve’s treasured Classic Carry Elite (handgun), and the SRS-A1 (sniper rifle) that Daryun has Isfan deliver.

- In the bedroom, Gieve willingly relinquishes his control to Isfan, whom he trusts with unwavering loyalty and love. While Gieve always calls Isfan “pretty” and “sweetheart” in public, on their own, Gieve will get turned on as soon as Isfan starts using pet names.

[sickeningglasgow]

TRIGGER is a proLGBT+ weekly variety show housed in AXM, one of Glasgow’s favourite queer spaces, right in the heart of Glasgow’s Merchant City.

Celebrating a year at AXM, 52 weeks of showcasing the very best in drag, they are a collective wholly dedicated to the arts and Glasgow’s creative industries. All money from the weekly ticket sales goes straight to all of the incredible creative people involved in running the show and performing.

Always on the look out for something new and happy to offer their stage to up-and-coming UK talent, Trigger aims to push the boundaries of being just another ‘drag night’.

As their resident photographer, Crawford has been witness to some of Scottish drags fiercest performers, so here at Sickening we though it only fitting that he got to interview the creators of Trigger; Carrie Ann Crow and her partner-in-crime Sean Gallogley

The Trigger residents support Kim Chi during her recent performance in AXM

Crawford (Cr)- First off, Happy Birthday, it’s hard to believe it’s been a year at AXM already!

What have you got planned to celebrate?

Sean Gallogley (SG) – Thank you so much! It somehow feels like just a couple of months ago we started, but at the same time I can’t remember what life was like before TRIGGER.

Carrie Ann Crow (CC)- We’ve got a super fun night planned for our birthday show, on July 6th! Each of our residents is performing an iconic number by one of the other residents. It’s going to either be hilarious or total chaos and I can’t wait! Like drag queen swap shop!

SG – We’ve also got a diva’s night on Saturday, July 8th, which I think will be every bit as camp as it sounds.

CC – We’ve got Crystal Lubrikunt coming up later on the month (July 20th) which is sure to be incredible. I’ve worked with Crystal I think two or three times in Edinburgh, and she always blows my tits off, but this is the first time I’m getting to work with her on my home turf, so needless to say, I am buzzing!

SG – AXM also has RPDR season 9’s Nina Bonina Brown and all stars winner Alaska performing at the club!

CC – Not for our birthday obviously, But we’re pretty excited.

Carrie Ann Crow(‘s breasts)

Cr – We interviewed you last year before you relocated. What made you move venues, why AXM and how have things changed since you moved?

CC – Things have gotten so much better since we moved. It means the world to be part of a team that values the work we do and actually supports us.

SG – Our last venue wasn’t a good fit. They basically gave us a big empty hall  and expected us to fill it, didn’t pay us, didn’t help with marketing or advertising, charged me for the use of their resources.

CC – Then to top it off there were literal hate crimes committed against our patrons, which admittedly wasn’t the venues fault, but nevertheless, the location just wasn’t right.

SG – We decided to re-home Trigger on the day of the last show at the previous venue. There were other avenues and offers open, but for us it had to be AXM.

CC – I’ve never really felt at home anywhere else. I always felt I should look a certain way or behave a certain way, whereas at AXM I just feel free to have fun.

Cr – A weekly drag show is a big job, how have you guys managed to balance your passion for it with day-to-day commitments?

CC – WOW! It’s been tough, and don’t get me wrong, there have been times that it’s really gotten the better of me. Life itself, with “boy-jobs” is hard enough as it is, don’t you think? Sean and I have moved flat twice in the last 6 months, Sean has changed jobs twice, in the last year, we’ve got a puppy, Parsnip and he is the cutest, but even he takes up so much time. All of that on top of trying to make time for one another, make time for our families, plus run a weekly show, PLUS the various other events and nights that pop up in AXM and so on, really takes its tole.

SG – It takes its tole on all of us, some of us juggle uni and work with trigger, while others perform 5-6 times a week, sometimes every night. Obviously, exhausting as it is, I wouldn’t trade it for the world, but that’s why it means so much to me that people really get behind us. We’re here to entertain you, so get out there and support your local scene.

Ann Phetimine

  Cr – Looking back, since its birth, what would you say have been the biggest highlights?

CC – I couldn’t possibly pick one. As far as events go, I think TRIGGER vs The Rabbit Hole Back in April or May was probably my absolute favourite. The club (AXM) was jumping and everyone loved the show. TRIGGER vs Klub Kids was a lot of fun too. We absolutely love the Newcastle klub kids, so anytime they come to town is an absolute blast.

SG – AXM took us to Newcastle to go see Latrice, Alyssa, Tatianna, Raven, JujuBee, and Katya for the klub kids extravaganza which was incredible.

CC – Supporting Tatianna, Raven and Jujubee, Kim Chi, Trinity Taylor, Aja, any of the drag race events really! It’s always a really amazing feeling for me seeing the crowd go wild for the TRIGGER girls so I’ve literally got too many highlights to count.

I think silly as it sounds, the relationship I’ve been able to build and the time that get to spend with the rest of the trigger family, and the team at AXM is a huge highlight for me.

SG – If you like the people you work with it’s half the battle and we absolute love our f*cked up family.

Cr – When I moved here to Glasgow just over two years ago, there was already a small drag scene but what do you think about the recent explosion of drag nights?

And what puts Trigger apart/ahead of them?

CC – I think it’s amazing! Personally, I think the more Glasgow drag grows and spreads the better. I know that there are people in the community who think that drag is so diluted in Glasgow, with the amount of shows and queens, but Reba (Martell) said it best, it’s saturated, not diluted. We have such a diverse and talented scene, so why not. As far as I’m concerned any successes by any of the Glasgow queens is a success for the community. The more we all continue to elevate the standard and awareness of the drag culture in Glasgow, the better it will be for everyone.

I certainly wouldn’t want to put us ahead of anyone else. I think we’re really just here to entertain and have fun. The thing that makes TRIGGER special for me at least is the connection the queens have with one another and the connection we have with the audience. I think there are arguably more conceptual and artistic queens out there, but Divina De Campo taught us there’s a difference between performing and entertaining which made me step back and look at my performances and ask “am I doing this cause it’s what I want to do or cause it’s something the audience would enjoy?”

SG – There’s something different and equally amazing at all of the shows in Glasgow, so you really do have to get out and see it all.

Sean Gallogley

Cr – As you guys know, I’ve had the pleasure of documenting the show (almost) every week, it’s been amazing to see the Trigger family growing over this last year. 

You’ve recently expanded the night to cover one Saturday a month, as well as supporting any RuPauls Drag Race alumni that come to perform. That must feel amazing, so what have you got in store for us for Year Two and beyond?

SG – It really is amazing. Running a late show midweek can be a challenge, so having these opportunities to see the girls do what they do at the weekend, and in front of the audiences that drag race stars bring in, is a great.

CC – We’ve got an amazing pride lined up with season 9 Miss Congeniality, or Miss fan favourite if ya nasty, Valentina, and we’ve also got Latrice Royale.

SG – Halloween is gonna be a scream too! (That was bad, sorry)

CC – We’re looking to reintroduce the live music/cabaret aspect of TRIGGER, which was of course a huge element of the original format of the show. I’m looking forward to it, because some of our girls, Frans Gender and Ann Phetimine for example are great singers. We’re currently just figuring out logistics of it, so watch this space. Aside from that, we’re just going to continue having a blast, so hope many more people come along and join in the fun.

Cr- Any final words before we wrap things up?

CC+SG – #cometaeTRIGGER

TRIGGER is every Thursday at AXM Glasgow. Door open from 10pm, £3 entry and drinks starting from £1.50. 18+ only.

Trigger’s Divas Through the Decades show, this Saturday (08/07/17) at AXM Glasgow

    A Year of Feeling Triggered! TRIGGER is a proLGBT+ weekly variety show housed in AXM, one of Glasgow's favourite queer spaces, right in the heart of Glasgow's Merchant City.