#its so bad because i hate online art so i only have one shitty app but i hate coloring on paper more so

[mjshortformcjesus]

The Sunshine Court page 169, colorized

[robogreaser]

This is a Long Time Coming...

It’s been a relatively hard task to sit down and make sense of, well, a lot of things as of late. I could chalk it up to the state of the world, but it’s been troublesome for significantly longer than that.

Long Story Short Version: I’ve been in a hell of a place, mentally, physically, and otherwise.

The proper story is a hell of a lot more involved than that and I know damned right well it’s going to take me a fair bit to explain myself and my various professional and social failings over the past... while. I’m gonna try to contain this under a read more, of course, but I apologize to mobile users if tumblr fucks that up.

Okay. That took a fair more bit of effort to figure out than I remember. Which, I suppose, is a fair enough bit of a segue into one thing that’s happened to me.

Tumblr has been deteriorating.

Whether I like to admit it or not, tumblr has been my go to social media platform since... 2011. Yeah. I’ve spent the vast majority of the decade here. I’ve seen a lot. Sure, I’ve lurked elsewhere, but I really cannot stand the interface and nature of a lot of other social media, especially the likes of twitter. Unfortunately for me, this place has been in constant decline for years now at this point. It extends well beyond the porn ban, but that’s a whole separate discussion.

I’ve lost touch with a lot of people I care about, some vanishing into the ether, some ghosting me, some just drifting into other communities or onto other sites. I’ve come to terms with the majority of this. It’s been happening for a while. It’s the very nature of digital relationships. It hurt, and I do think it’s contributed to a fair bit of stress and depression that has resulted in my... withdrawal from online spaces. It’s not a major factor, but its here, it’s present, it’s a factor in all of this.

I’ll be honest in that, well, I’ve tried to make this post several times over the past several weeks and months. It’s hard. Talking about my issues, using ‘I’ and ‘me’ so much in a post... it’s a bit jarring. But I’ll try to suck it up.

It’s been ten years (god I fucking hate time) since I’ve graduated high school. Yeah. It’s a fair thing to say that, on reflection, that’s incredibly jarring. The vast majority of that time has been... relatively unstable. I spent a fair few years working on my book and my publishing journey, now all but scrubbed clean from this blog (more on that later) and... well... Trying to be an adult. I’ve applied to, gotten accepted, and had to withdrawn from my dream school twice in this time. I’ve had a fair few jobs, nothing worthy of my resume, and lost all of them in one form or another, whether being fired for retaliating to my shitty work conditions, or, well, quitting for the sake of my own health during this pandemic. There has been a lot of family troubles. I’ve been through a lot of... ‘varied’ living situations, some horrendous, some just stressful, some, like now, actually really good compared to the others. And for the past few years in particular, it’s been constantly one thing after another, nonstop.

In short, progress is slow, but it’s happening. I don’t care to delve into a lot of these sorts of personal details lest this get to a ridiculous length, but that’s the short of the stuff I’d rather gloss over.

I’ve been on a health... Let’s call it a journey. I’ve been on a health journey. Over the past few years I’ve gone through the long processes of being diagnosed with ADHD, discussing my options regarding my depression and anxiety, and finally getting myself on a medication regimen that works. And then, because the health care system is a joke, I was without insurance. I had been off my medication, an absolute lifesaver and release of burden on my garbage tier brain, for eighteen months. Until last week. I think it’s fair to say, between my revolving door of living situations, employment, and then being un-medicated in a continually more stressful environment... That this is the main reason I’ve been absent. I’ve had no focus. There were weeks where I had no drive to do anything outside of routine that others depended on. I had not only gone back to how I was before situating my mental health, but in some ways, found a worse state.

Finances have been slowly eating away at me. I had been working a part time retail job until November, which made decent enough money, but not nearly for the amount of work and responsibility I was handling. I got fired. I found work with one of the big, corporate postal services. The pay was phenomenal, but it began to actively destroy my health, mainly physically, but also mentally, especially considering I was working a graveyard shift. Eventually when I began having prolonged health issues there, and then a whole lot of the symptoms of covid-19, on top of them turning me down for an entry-level position outside of the package handling, I had to quit. This was shortly after the lockdowns, in early April, and I refuse to look back despite people like my parents insisting on me trying to get work there again. Sure, the pay was phenomenal compared to anything else I had until then, but I cant continue to sacrifice my health. As of now, I’m unemployed, and... well...

I’m working on my commission queue. It’s art. It’s stuff I’ve owed friends (luckily those who are incredibly understanding and good to me) for an embarrassing amount of time, even before moving to and from Oklahoma at the end of 2016. I’m terrified of being the person who is known for taking commissioners’ money and running.

I know, I’m not good at giving updates. I’m not good at a consistent work schedule. I’ve had numerous tech failings over the past few years that constantly slow my roll on any progress I have made. Hell, I’ve had files corrupt despite being two thirds of the way complete when transferring from one computer to another. I’ve lost my cable for my external hard drive. I’ve had my tablet go to hell and back multiple times. But I am working. I am trying. I am sitting down as often as I can between looking for work and managing family nonsense to try and get my workload tidied up.

Which... brings me to my next point. And one I’m rather... ashamed about.

I have used trello, infrequently, since taking on a large load of commissions, and despite not being faithfully updating it and checking back on it, and using it to it’s fullest potential, I had kept, at the minimum, a list of all the work I did owe people using it. Well. Dumbass me attempted to use a mobile app. In short, in an effort to try and make myself tech literate and allow me easier access to my queue, I ended up deleting it. Somehow.

I’ve gone through and slowly flagged all my paypal notices and various emails concerning my commissions. I’m putting it together again. I’m trying. Granted, I am damned sure I am going to be missing someone, somewhere, somehow. I know it. I’ve got a shit brain, and despite my need for organization and minimalism, I don’t put it past me to have missed something along the way.

If you have commissioned me, please, do not hesitate to reach out and contact me regarding your commission. I owe every last one of you a massive apology for my continued failure to produce what you have paid for.

More likely than not, I have a wip already started somewhere, and if not, I have a slew of reference and thumbnails already compiled together somewhere on my computers. I am not ignoring this work. It’s been painfully, embarrassingly slow. It’s been one obstacle after another. But I have every intention of doing this work, and, likely, upgrading the quality of the finished piece past what my commissioners have paid for simply because I do feel bad about the wait time.

I have been inexcusably unprofessional. I know this and I am working as best I can with the time and resources I have to correct it.

In a similar vein, as I mentioned before, I have slowly been cleaning up my rather unimpressive publishing attempts. I’ve gone through and cleaned this blog recently, deleting reference to my work by name and the process of trying to get myself published. I may have missed a few posts here and there, but for the most part I would like a clean slate in regards to building a social media platform surrounding my written work. And this is the part where... I am probably going to be the most upfront and honest with you reading this than I have been publicly before.

I am not ashamed of who I’ve been online these past ten years or so, but it reflects only a sliver of my personality, a sliver of who I am as a whole. I catered to a very specific subset of who I am in pursuit of finding acceptance in communities much larger than myself. I’ve learned a hell of a lot about myself in that time. I figured out what’s important to me, my health, my sexuality, my relationships and my long term goals. I’ve found a very important group of friends. I’ve found people who understand and empathize with a lot of the things I have been through, experience, and am at my core.

But the fact of the matter is, this hypersexual, sci-fi aesthetic-oriented, very open person is only a singular facet. And it is not nearly enough of a reflection of who I am, or who I want to be as a professional, public adult. Will I always be gay for robots? Yes. Will I, when time permits and creative energies are present, continue to make nsfw art? Absolutely. Will I always have a toe dipped in erotic literature and the like? Most likely.

But a lot of me, a lot of my emotion and strife and feelings regarding most things in the world, are completely separate from this. It’s separate from me liking porn on twitter or having a homestuck roleplay blog. It’s separate from who I am in real life, with my boyfriend or with my family or with my work. And I have been dwelling on this, sincerely, for a while. I need to allocate more energy into my life. The separate life offline and online too, where I am pursuing an actual professional career, because, at the end of the day, I want to be an author. I want to have a career telling stories. And, in my time online, I’ve found a lot of skeletons in authors’ closets, the kind that really put mine to shame, and the kind that will always be a footnote to their work. You know the ones.

I want my creative work to speak for itself. I want people to be able to enjoy what I do without a specter, without my time and energy having to explain to a future audience why it is I had explicit thoughts about x,y, and z. I want to be able to write a book, write many books, and have people enjoy them without a footnote about me, a person with a sexual life and a history exploring it through years of depression and isolation, clouding it. It’s not fair to my work. It’s not fair to a future reader. It’s not fair to me.

I’ve got several social media accounts made and slowly coming to life that I need to spend more time with as I try and pursue this new, second leg of a very long journey into publishing. I’m not going to link those here, now or in the future. It’s likely a few people I know and trust have access to them. But I am, effectively starting over from scratch trying to build a platform as a writer. And it’s hard. Juggling that, alongside all of the things in the world today, alongside family and my relationships, alongside my commission queue? It bears down on me and if I didn’t have experience handling more than one thing at a time, I might trip up more frequently. Hell, I forget to post and use those new accounts regularly.

But I’m trying.

I’m not moving away from my current social circles or hobbies or anything like that. I’m not abandoning any fandom or friends or communities. But I am going to be trying to balance myself more thoughtfully moving forward, past just commissions, past just writing.

I’m here. I’m moving forward, slowly but surely, and I am making an effort to improve.

[votometrash]

Love Choice Review

Okay so I had no idea Masquerade Kiss would be Love Choice, but this title has managed to tempt me into reading it anyway. I can’t say I’m happy about it but there are a lot of things I have to say, since the whole Love Choice (LC) system has been controversial, or just incredibly detested/undesired, ever since its conception. And it does suck since I’ve been wanting Voltage to release more mature titles (and the whole female spy thing was just a plus, I guess). Voltage did a really good job of hyping up this release and I love/hate them for it lmao. But yeah here are my two cents on the LC feature. Sorry for the longass rant in advance. If you only care about my opinion regarding Masquerade Kiss and Kazuomi Shido’s route then you can check out my review later on my blog (if and when I get to it). But I still mention the title here and there in this review since it is the first LC main story that was released.

For most people who have been with Voltage for a long time, LC is probably one of the worst things on the planet, right after the Love 365 app debacle which caused many to lose their stories if they weren’t aware of the transfer dates or not able to transfer their data (technically they’re losing the right/license to access those stories, cause they don’t own them) and all the other customer service horror stories you can think of. Generally, for people who think that converting coins into hearts and not being able to read the story however they want are terrible ideas, they will outright avoid LC titles/stories. Since LC is F2P, it isn’t much different from the other otome/visual novels that have premium options where people have the option to spend money.

But let’s just think about it for a moment.

The appeal of LC is that you can read the stories completely free of charge. Yes, there is a countdown timer which prevents you from reading the next episode immediately and you would have to spend hearts to bypass that. But let’s keep in mind that Voltage Entertainment USA (aka the subsidiary which creates apps catered towards Western audiences) is also doing something similar with the ticket system. Plus they don’t even give you the option to buy routes anymore, which is why we should be thankful that Voltage Inc hasn’t done that with their Japanese apps yet. I just want to make the best of what we are given (and hopefully try to get a little enjoyment out of it), even if LC is terribly implemented.

So just hear me out for a second. A very long second.

If you’re not one of those people who need every single CG and ending AND don’t mind the wait, this post is mainly for you.

PLEASE JUST READ THE DAMN STORY. LIKE READ MASQUERADE KISS RIGHT NOW WHILE THERE IS NO WAIT TIME (until 2/17). It costs you nothing and you will still get a pretty complete experience.  Don’t be stupid and believe that you’re missing out if you don’t get the CG’s. Go look the CG’s up online or something if you have to because I’m sure someone has posted them regardless of whether it’s allowed or not. It has a decent plot that doesn’t make me want to ram my head into a wall from secondhand embarrassment. Sure there are aspects of it that weren’t written well (will be explained in my review later) but it’s still a good story and I don’t regret reading it. It would be a shame to miss out just because you’re too busy hating on the system. If you don’t want to spend your free hearts (or don’t have enough) on CG’s that cost you 20-30 hearts and options that require hearts, just use it towards reading the next couple episodes (for when they go back to subjecting you to wait times). At least you still won’t be using as many hearts. Yeah the CG’s and love choices are hella expensive and they shouldn’t be. It might even feel like you’re being punished for not choosing those choices because in the end you won’t be getting the happy ending. But they’re not NECESSARY. However, if you still want the CG’s/happy endings, just reread it again later when you get enough hearts. I don’t know, that’s not a priority for me so I can wait on unlocking those CG’s. 

From Episode 1 up to the second to last episode, you’re getting the same. exact. content. Let me repeat that. YOU GET THE SAME EXACT CONTENT. The only thing is that you won’t get all of the CG’s or the super happy ending, which are what people are really paying for. Is it really worth it??? Voltage apps don’t have bad endings. They’re either the romantic/passionate alternate endings or it’s happy(or normal)/super happy endings. No endings where it’s game over, you’re dead or oops you screwed up this entire thing. You’re essentially getting the same ending, just a slightly different view of the events. Just more vanilla, if you don’t get the “better” ending. Slightly fewer lines of text, less description. Big whoop. That and well, you don’t get the CG. Too bad. No personal bragging rights for me to put on my metaphorical trophy pedestal. For me, reading the visual novel is the main goal. The art and CG’s are just a plus, a very much appreciate plus. I would care more about the plot because if you are reading a terribly written story, what’s the point in having good art anyways? You look at it for a bit and just move on to something else that isn’t a waste of time.  

And like....come on. If you hate the LC feature, that’s all the more the reason why you should try it. It won’t even hurt you to read the story if you’re adamant on not spending money/converting coins. Even if it’s terribly written, you didn’t pay for it like you would have with a P2P story. No monetary loss there, just lost time and feelings of disappointment. And if you hate waiting or think LC is a waste of time, just think of reading an episode whenever you have time. You don’t have to commit to it. You could speed read an episode in a minute or two and then go on doing whatever else you want to do with your day. It shouldn’t take up that much of your time. And if you forget to, it’s fine. Not something you’ll be too invested in.

They’re not charging you for anything, so suck it up. I’m sure you have other things you can do in the meantime while you wait for the next episode. Your life doesn’t revolve around otome games (unless you’re adopting an unhealthy lifestyle in which case you have more things to be concerned about). Don’t be a whiny bitch about it. And that’s why the hearts system exists... for the impatient people. They WANT you to spend money on their products, since that’s the whole point of running a business. Yes you’re paying for a one-time access when you’re using hearts to read episodes. Yes you have to start over if you want to reread a specific episode. Ultimately it’s up to YOU to choose whether you want to spend money or not for LC stories, but you don’t HAVE to.

Again, I’m emphasizing the word ‘time’ because if you really don’t have time, then seriously just do whatever you’re supposed to be doing jesus christ. Don’t feel like I’m calling you out for not wanting to read LC stories because you don’t have time to wait around for it. I’m not telling you to prioritize LC over Voltage’s other stuff. Just give it a chance if you can afford to do so, because money isn’t the issue here if you can read the story for free. I know people look towards Voltage apps as a way to relax and so that I understand that reading a LC novel would not be a choice if you have limited time. Because why go for LC if you have perfectly good apps that you’ve already paid for and can read whenever you want? I understand. I really do.

In regards to people complaining about Masquerade Kiss being a LC novel, I have a couple things I want to say. Voltage has the right to choose whichever title they want to be LC. Besides, what criteria do you expect them to use in choosing which titles should be LC? It’s not as if they’ll be like “oh let’s choose an okay title to be Love Choice”, just to make customers glad that they don’t have to waste money. That’s not practical. And ideally they wouldn’t want to be writing shitty stories anyway. They need to make money off them or else it’s a waste of all the money and time they invested into producing the title. For the most part, all the newer titles have been decent, if not good. There will be people who love them and people who hate them. So how would you decide the best choice to be LC among all the good titles? And it wouldn’t make sense to make a title both LC and P2P because that would be when people will REALLY start to hate LC, especially when you have to fork out a ridiculous amount of hearts for the CG’s.  Then there will be even more customer complaints yay. Also, if they made it P2P how many coins would they even charge for the whole route, considering how many hearts they have to spend for the CG’s? The CG’s are “free” only if you have enough hearts for those in-game choices that you want to choose, but if you’re paying for them that would mean it’s like $2-$3 per CG. 

Since they announced this feature, it’s here to stay unless they decide to get rid of it (which I doubt). YOU DON’T GET A SAY IN IT. Their company, their products, their choices. They will make whatever choices in which they benefit the most from. Sometimes those choices will align with what customers want. Sometimes they won’t. You don’t like it then you leave. That’s what most people would do anyway. Even if you do leave, there will always be more people getting sucked into the Voltage trap anyways. If you don’t, then you will continue to rot in the sin bin that is Voltage and there goes your money. Sadly, that’s how the world works. 

So yeah if you’re still reading, thanks for reading my very long winded, unpopular (probably) opinion. You’re a trooper. I have respect for you. I’m just here to get this off my chest. Please don’t hate me. 

[real-bjd-recast-community]

Serious question, no hate. Why do you support recasts?

This is going to be a long ass post…

Everyone has their own reasons, I can only talk about myself, I don’t thinkthe exact same circumstances apply to, for example, Admin C (who is taking aleave now due to personal reasons and might be horrified about the direct way Ihandle things but that’s a different story and we have different approaches tothe subject, “C” it’s usually more “measured” and many times tends not to givea reply at all and just “post the confession” asking anons to reply for, or notposting any reply at all).

There are many reasons as to “why” I’m pro recast, personally. I was at thedawn of the hobby, I had the luck and fortune to have dolls when there wasalmost no information online (and the few there was on Japanese or Korean andthere was almost no internet and obviously no “google translate” or apps, cellphones where only made for calling and texting, very basic texting I mean) andwhen there was Volks, Luts and a couple more, not the hundreds of differentoptions we have today. I saw (no one told me, this I saw with my own two eyes)how DollZone sold recasts, and how legit companies closed due to poormanagement resources, or scam and screw a lot of people with events, quality,or regular orders all together. I was there when some declared “bankruptcy”after almost a year of taking orders and charging their clients in advance andnever delivered a thing. I was there when some legit companies took from 9 to14 months to ship the orders (when their regular time was 45 days to 3 months atmost and never apologized or even sent a gift to the costumer, many times ifyou wanted to cancel the order they wouldn’t even give your money back andPayPal time for opening a dispute was “only 30 days” so you where out of anyprotection plan by that time), and all of this only if they shipped the doll atall, and they all came with a wide spectrum of very nasty defects or missingparts. I know, I wasn’t only there, I have legit dolls from well knowncompanies that cost me $750 or more and they “forgot” to include importantpieces needed to assemble parts of the doll itself or their full set.

Add to this that by that time there weren’t any options, I was often askedby SO many people “where” and “how” they could get the same doll as I, and Itried so hard to tell them and explain and it seemed like I was talking inchinese because yes!, it was hard as hell to get a doll, you had to deal withall the shit the legit companies just thrown at you, and on top of that begrateful that the company decided “to sell this to you” and have a smile on yourface whatever happen. And looking at those faces I came to understand that whatwe where going trough was just insane. That the companies weren’t giving thedolls for free, they where charging a lot of money, and I remind you thecurrency exchange adjustment thing, because they where charging upon 3 timesmore for the same doll if the costumer was from outside asia, that it’s simpleput discriminating costumers from the outside, or thinking we where too stupidto notice, and they actually got away with it for a lot longer than they shouldhave.

Now when antis talk about dolls they talk about artist and pure souls, thisartists got a hell of a lot more money than they should have done with thewestern world and gave us literally HELL most of the time, and we had to comeup with the excuses for them and smile, like “well, this is Japanese so theydon’t speak English, it’s my bad to have been born on the US” and all sorts ofshit we somehow found an excuse for them! crazy right?, and then there was the“elitism”, people who only collected Volks and though everyone else was shitunder their feet, or people who only have hi-end brands and start acting likethe cheerleaders on a hischool class, and many other ways of discriminatingpeople, human beings, who had suffered just to get a ResinSoul ¼ Song, andthat this doll was priceless to them, they where treated like trash, likeliterally trash, the bottom of the worst of hell. They had to read dailyinsults from a lot of people they don’t even know, and their doll was cheap,but legit. They were told cheap bastards, that their doll wasn’t a real bjd,and that it was a piece of shit. they where told that if they didn’t had enoughmoney to constantly buy clothing and props or wigs or shoes they where “baddoll owners” and made them feel guilty because they had a shitty “sock dress”and a “crayon faceup” or their dolls might be nude or wigless for months, andthey also discriminated fur wigs as “cheap options for the cheap bastards”(thank God that didn’t last because I personally love fur wigs). And theyweren’t allowed into “certain elitist meets”, or they secluded them pushing theperson to be left alone in a table where no one else talked to them or interactwith them.

Sure you might find people who says they never saw anything like this orthat they never got any hate for owning a cheaper legit doll, but this I sawwith my own eyes, I have literally no reason at all to lie, and I understandnewer members of the community who jumped into the hobby after recasts where here,or older members who just want to forget that times, don’t talk about it, ormaybe they where just extremely unique and actually never encounter the indescribableamount of shit I know there was back then. And I was powerless; I could doabsolutely nothing, if a person wanted a doll and didn’t had the money to buythe ones I might be able to afford (since we are all different people anddifferent lives) was Bobobie or ResinSoul, or Obitsu and Hujoo. The first twowhere considered cheap horrible quality options that will get you nowherebecause the real community members should have +$500 dolls, and the last twoweren’t even considered as bjds so you weren’t technically part of thecommunity at all. I saw all this, I saw how people, real actually living peoplelives got ruined by the then called “elitists” and now called “anti recast” or“pro artists”, I was powerless, the only, and I mean THE ONLY source ofinformation was Dean of Angels, and it was more like a exclusive country clubwhere you weren’t able to do next to nothing without getting banned (unless youwhere an Admin or a personal friend to one). There where times when they bannedreal resin bjds (no excuse at all to justify it) from different companies (like5stardolls) just because one of the admins “didn’t like the sculpt” and didn’twant to see that sculpt on their precious forum.

And I get it, its human nature to be a dick for money and to be a horribleperson to cement your social status or busting our egos because “I havesomething you can’t have”, but let’s fucking face it for once, this hasabsolutely NOTHING to do about defending the artist rights. This has to do withthe fall of the sales on the 2nd hand market (they used to charge you 5 timesmore for a used broken doll because “if you wanted that doll there where nooptions”, no recasts, you had to pay whatever price the seller come up with); Legitcompanies closed much more when there was no recasts at all than now, the hobbyisn’t going to “end” because of recats (not more than all those artists playingmusic on your phone will go off business if you download a free MP3 or MP4),this are all, ALL fucking excuses to hate on others, what you lost with recastwas sales on the 2nd hand market and the exclusivity of having something and bragabout it because few others can have the exact same. So you ask me “why I’m prorecast?”, well, it’s a long story with a mix of shit and a ton of knowledgeabout what I talk about. In fact most legit companies have improved a LOT sincethey’re competing with recast sellers (some didn’t, like Fairyland, still haveshit quality batches randomly, and Soom too among others, but hey! many did!they realize their needed to actually run a serious business, to care for theircostumers, to have a better costumer service and deliver better qualityproducts, to reply questions and messages, to solve problems, and yes!, theydon’t do it for free, they make a LOT of money out of it!, enough to cover theloses and a lot more just for their pockets, and now they tend not to think ofus like trash just because we where born on the wrong continent!). So you tellme “well then, how about small artists who don’t work for a big company and getpaid for their work in advance?”, there is, and always will be an audience anda public for them. there will always be people who will buy legit and that canactually afford $450 for a 1/6 scale doll, but the ones who will NEVER be ableto buy the doll at the “legit price”, are not going to “save for 50 years andthen buy it”, no, that money, either it’s $100 or $50, is NEVER going to the“small artist” and his work, so the artist it’s not loosing any money becausethe people who buys a recast it’s doing it because it’s unable to afford thelegit, and the ones who can buy the legit will not stop doing so! So again!,it’s NOT about the artist rights! And I’m fucking tired of antis using thatexcuse to actually hurt real people who have feelings, to ruin their lives andcyber bullying them like if they where mass murders, they’re not!, they’re notdifferent from you and me, they’re people, who is honest and good and caringand sensitive, and sure there are assholes in all sides, but most people getsshit over a doll, an object, “art” if you like, not different from other formsof art like music and small studios, dvd movie releases made with every penny agroup of friends can gather that are watched as torrents every day, and thedesigner clothing or the thousand other knockoffs you use, buy, eat andwear…. and then you tell me “but I never watched, heard, buoyed or wear aknockoff!” and I shall tell you, “lucky you that you can buy only legit, thatstill doesn’t give you the right to shit on other people who have less money orchose a different option”, and then you might also tell me “but they arethieves and this items are not necessary for living like food or shelter! Theyare doing it because they choose to be bad persons and deserve whatever it’scoming to them!”, first of all, let me clarify something, the recasts are acheaper option, but are not FREE, you have to work, earn money, and pay forthem, so “no, they’re not thieves”. Second, there are some people on this wordwho REALLY deserve whatever its coming to them, NONE of them are into doll,they’re mass murderers, rapist, racists, pedophiles, abusive partners on arelationship, …I can think a looong list about “who deserves to be treated asshit” and people who owns dolls, are absolutely not in that list, not even ifthey actually stole a doll directly from the Leonardo DaVinci studio, there isa very, extremely long list of people who are much worst, and antis focus theirhate, time, and effort into dealing with doll owners when they could volunteeron a soup kitchen or anything else that might actually do some good to others. Now,about the whole deal with “this isn’t food, you don’t need a doll, don’t useyour mental health as an excuse”, let me tell you, if you think “mental healthissues” are “excuses”, then YOU should get checked by a doctor ASAP. Second,how much of a self centered ass you need to be to assume “it’s all about you”and “we are all like you”. We are not factory manufactured, many went tosimilar situations, some thrive and have a normal life, sadly, half of themcommitted suicide and are no longer with us. Same exact situation on twodifferent people gives different outcomes. Not everyone has your strength andyou might find that strength in a small insignificant detail, like a doll. I’mgoing to tell you a story of my personal life I never shared before because weare on anonymous mode and no one can trace me back to it because I never toldanyone except my family (that’s not into dolls) and the other person involved whoI shall not name in any way.

I have a friend who is now a proud mom of a 1yr old beautiful baby boy andit’s engaged with a loving partner. When I started protecting random peoplefrom hate, bullying and shit (courtesy of the anti recast community), I lostalmost all of my ‘dolly friends’ because they “didn’t want to be associatedwith a pro recast”, but this girl stayed as my friend, and she wasn’t able tobuy a legit from Volks (though Yahoo!JP), not to mention the sculpt she lovedwas sold out, and prices on the 2nd market where insane, and even if I helpedher, I’m not rich myself, so even between two people gathering money it wasnearly impossible to pay that much, for the only person who had it was chargingover $2500. At this point you might be thinking “well, if you’re such a goodperson, then why you just didn’t gave her your doll?!” (got to love antis, theyhave a question for every detail no matter how stupid it is), and I didn’t gaveher my own doll because I have a very strong bond to this doll and it’s basedon my own OC from when I was really a very small child before I got rape at age10 (happy?), it represents the innocence I’ve lost, so this doll it’s not “justa doll” I would be able to sell or give (unlike other dolls I do have but neverbonded quite much with them). So I explain to her the ‘pros and cons’ of owninga recast, and knowing she was on a very delicate and bad situation at the time(for personal reasons) I made a lot of emphasis on the “bad side” of beinginsulted and bullied every day just for owning a doll. But she really, and Imean REALLY, needed “some joy” in her life, she wanted this doll more thananything (I had this doll, and she had meet ‘her’ trough me, and it hold asignificant amount of emotional attachment since the same day she had lost a closefamily member on a hit and run car accident, we had spent the entire day on thepark near her house taking pictures of this specific doll with this person shehad lost later that same night) and no, she didn’t wanted another sculpt or a“cheaper option”, she adored my girl and wanted to have “one just like that”. Shegave me part of the money (basically the cost of the recast), I put theshipping fees and other stuff I had to buy (like wig, clothing, eyes), and Imade her an exact replica of my girl. I had more experience so I handled theentire thing and gave her the doll as soon as it was ready, I even did herfaceup replicating the one my girl had and she was breathing life, she was thehappiest person I have ever saw holding an object, she literally cried tears ofjoy that day because she had her doll and we had “twins”, and no, I wasn’tthinking “fuck her, this is my OC, mine only, you can’t have the same!”, no!,we are grown ups!, I made sure to buy all exactly the same for her and shecalled her the same name with the only difference of a single letter on it. Butthen, a few weeks later, as usual, all went to hell thanks to ANTIS. I’m notgoing into details, but she called me really late at night crying, she wasconsidering taking her own life because she had posted a picture of her girl“somewhere where she wasn’t supposed to” without knowing and there was like 20people she didn’t even knew sending her one hate message after the other,exploiting every little thing they could know about her life to make her feellike the worst human in this planet. Because she had a doll. Are we getting thepicture here?, it’s a doll, a wonderful brave precious person was at the edge ofcommitting suicide because anti recasters or “pro artists” didn’t liked herDOLL because it was a recast. Please, take a moment to wrap what I’m tellingyou around your head. Just do it, for me, just take 3 seconds and tell me if ahuman life is worth a legit doll, just tell me that. I remember I had no car so Ijumped on a bus that took me forever to get to her and I was completelypanicking because I didn’t knew if I should call 911 or just “get fuckingthere” as soon as possible all this while I had her on the phone, and by thetime I got to her apartment it was a mess and she was barely able to open thedoor and I told her if she didn’t open I was going to call the police to kickthe door down, and there was blood everywhere and I really don’t know how I didnot to pass out because I tend to black out when I see blood, but we (me andher neighbor) called the ambulance (even if she didn’t want to), and that nightwe had to stay in the hospital so they admitted her in ER and I had to dealwith the police and give a statement about and call her family and actually TRYto explain she wanted to die because OF A DOLL (try telling that to the policeor the family of the person involved and see if they get it). I told herbrother I needed to pick up my phone from her apartment (that I had left on theground in the middle of this ordeal) and when I went there I also took her dolland the next time she open her eyes she saw this doll, and I told her sheneeded to be alive for her, because if she didn’t love her and care for her,everyone else will hate her, so “the doll needed her” and we cried a lot and Iwas able to convince her trough that same doll that she needed to stay aliveand don’t do stupid shit anymore. And yes, it was hard and yes she had a strictpsychological supervision, and yes, she recovered as much as one can recoverfrom shit things that happen in this world, but to think every time I see herbaby boy that that kid and her loving mother might not be here with us todaybecause a group of assholes just decided to push her to the edge because herdoll was manufactured on china and not japan… what else can I say, right?

And you might think I’m lying, that I’m making all this up because I’m “anevil pro recast who runs a confession anonymous blog”, and you’re a free personand you might chose to believe pigs can fly too, I really don’t care; But ifyou believe me, then that alone shows you how complex human life is, and howantis don’t know shit about anyone, and worst of all they think “they don’t need toknow” before starting the stalking, the insulting, the bullying, and givingthis or that person the worst time of their lives. We complain about studentsgoing into campus and shooting everyone and then killing themselves, wecomplain about hate groups and how some kid who just wanted to belong tosomething decided to go on a gang and ended up killing a mother of four and 25to life in prison, when truth is, we, as a society of assholes, might bepushing this people to their limits and then “they did it because they wantedto, it’s their fault”, we say “yeah, she killed herself, what a looser” and wemove on like there is nothing wrong and the actions we take are of noimportance whatsoever. EVERY little choice matters, if we decide to be cruel orgentle about something, if we decide to understand that the other person it’snot a duplicate of myself, if we condole a recast, that it’s a doll, that it’snot hurting anyone specially artists, just the 2nd hand market stupid pricesand our ego to be unique like if we where four.

So in few words, why I’m pro recast? well.., legit companies doing shit totheir costumers for years + abusive elitists hating on cheap legit options andruin peoples lives (now that I think of it, there was a time when it was also“forbidden” to do “hybrids” with one expensive head and a cheaper body, Godlord, those times where crazy…) + people unable to get a doll they reallylike (or need, or want), and even if you think “it doesn’t make a difference”or “doesn’t care”, this is many times a lifesaver for many + elitists assholesbecoming ““pro artists”” (when artists have nothing to do with) and againgiving the worst of shit possible to anyone they think it’s not to theirstandards + “cult like” mind hive, inability to accept other people it’sdifferent, and CONSTANTLY trying to “shape them” at your image of what’s rightand what’s wrong + Antis deciding for people how they should spent their money,and how or when + + + + + a LOT of other endless things.

And the best part is, we can be here all day and you will NEVER understand asingle word of what I’m telling you, because you’re an anti, you chose yourside and whatever reasons, shitty or not, they make you feel just ascomfortable as I feel myself being a pro recast and helping others getting adoll, might this be a expensive resin doll, a cheap resin legit doll, a recast,a vinyl doll a plastic doll or whatever the hell I can help them with.

Yes, I’m pro recast, and proud.

Admin O

[sunflowerstationary]

This post is… kind of long

Tip: when typing on tumblr app, since it inconvenient to save as you go, occasionally select and copy everything so it’s saved on the clipboard

I can’t say much about the driving test because its been forever, but my instructor wasn’t like, unfriendly. I asked him about his job and he talked about how in his experience doing the test, all of the accidents have happened because of people who already had their licenses. And really, theres no shame in failing your first test. The instructor i had failed several people from the School of Driving or something. Its not a consistent test, I don’t think.

I’m really glad you get to live with Scappy again, I’m sure he’s super pleased to see you all the time again. i hate being away from my babies so much. They have each other, but no one pays enough attention to them I just don’t enjoy being home most of the time. Honestly, the biggest problem is that theres no where comfortable to sit. Like, the kitchen table doesn’t have chair backs, the couches are uncomfortable and impossible to cuddle on, and the floor is, well, the floor. Plus you never know who’s going to be home and when.

I would totally love to learn some russian. I wish I had the time to really commit myself to learning another language. I’m currently just trying to teach myself to use home row using keybr. I have yet to get all the way through because q keeps fucking me up. Also my nails make it kind of hard to like, really keep my fingers on the home row because if i do that I can’t really hit the bottom row of keys.

I occasionally text Collin, but they aren’t very good for answering. I don’t think there ever was any sort of resolution between us and think we agreed to keep it that way. I don’t think about them very much but I do miss them. I wish i could keep track of them better and support them somehow, they really meant a lot to me.

As a kind of side note, I occasionally talk to Rayzel. I like her, though its awkward sometimes because she doesn’t really carry on a conversation well. She rarely messages me first and that makes it really hard for me but she’s uber supportive all the time and its nice. She’s kind of been a nice neutral party when i don’t know who to talk to about a something.

Things are kind of better for me, though it feels fake and definitely would still rather be dead most of the time. Like I’m not sad as often but I also tend to default to sleep or alcohol before it gets really bad. So thats probably not the most healthy coping mechanisms but. idk things are good right now but i’m also pretty sure its because my school workload is very light and I’m barely working. I haven’t done any work for athena in twoish weeks and I’m only working 11ish hours for bk so I’m all hell will break loose for me when school gets tough and I get more hours.

The babies are good, Sandstorms face is getting bad again, and Lucky probably needs another bath. Sandstorms taken up peeing in the dining room again. Mom put the litter box in there for a while and obviously it helped, but mom couldn’t deal with the smell so she slowly moved it closed to the door for downstairs. and by slowly I mean not very slowly at all. It don’t think it really helped because I caught sandstorm peeing in there one morning when I was getting her shot ready.

Me and Kevin are good. Since I isolated the hell out of myself so he would be comfortable, there really isn’t any other tensions. I do really regret isolating myself so hard. I still wonder sometimes if I’m making the right decision here- am I going to look back in twenty years and wish I had put my foot down while I was still young and we had only been together a few years? I’m so clearly poly, and I’m going to keep falling in love with my friends for the rest of my life. Thats just how I am. I really don’t know what to do about it. I can’t imagine life without Kevin. I can’t even remember to put a bra on or brush my teeth, he more or less holds my life together since I just cannot.

The party thing was good. I got so drunk. I regret that. But it was fun and I really like Chris so. One of kelvins other friends, Tyler, who I like as well, showed up super high and now I am uncomfortable. Like, i knew he smoked but idk. I think I still need to get over that. I probably just need to get high once or twice and like. Not die or whatever. idk. But I totally forgot Chris’s comment and I’m TOTALLY going to ask the next time were alone. I’ll have to ask Kevin about the comment again to refresh my memory.

I haven’t tried the wine yet, it’s at my house and I plan on opening it whenever I need it there since its more socially acceptable than shots.

Athena hasn’t been great tbh. It did wonders for my self-esteem while I was there. More from feeling like I was important than actual work. But now that I’m gone, no one talks to me at all and it kind of. feels like its invalidating everything that happened while I was there. Idk. I got fairly close with a girl named Aubrie but she has barely talked to me at all since I left. No one is willing to hold conversations with me, and I wasn’t really around long enough and I didn’t talk enough to be able to ask people about their lives. Plus, they’re all very much in different parts of life than me, so it wouldn’t be good conversation anyway. Being a good listener is less useful when its not in persna and they have to type up everything. Its more effort for less reward. So no, i’m not getting much work and no I don’t really keep up with anyone. I should though. Physical letters would be a good idea. I wish I was a bit more creative, I could like, send pictures and trinkets and such. Idk. I should def do it.

I have so much I’ve wanted to talk to you about, but I can’t even remember most of it. I’m not sure If I told you, but the only queer on the team recommended the artist Kate Bush to me. They said that she was a very important part of her life and they have a tattoo relating to one of her songs so I was like ‘I’ll totally give her a try’. I’ve only really listened to her album Hounds of Love, but her other famous songs are Withering Heights and Babooshka. She’s very whimsical, and I have no idea if you’ll like her but, you know. I listened to a documentary on her while I was working and it was super interesting so I’m convinced.

NOTE: we should probably tag these so we can find them. You’re better at coming up with tags, so its your job :P

Schools been okay, Team Projects been kind of yucky because its all the people I’m trying to avoid, but the teacher is A++, very dad. So hopefully it should be okay. The problem is we had to ‘expose’ ourselves to help us work in teams better and I both did not want to share at all and also very much wanted to overshare. But Jordan, a girl who I took bookbinding with and I’m friends with, is in the class so that helps. Diversity in the Deaf Community is cool, the teacher is super great. He’s deaf, which makes it hard for me to talk to him but he’s so AWARE. Our first real lecture talked about how everything is a social construct. I never hear teachers talking about that. the final project is going to be a big deal though and I’m worried its going to overwhelm me, because I’ve got big final projects in every class.

ASL 3 is fine, I feel behind but it hasn’t gotten bad yet. Its got a paper that requires I interview a deaf person which. should be interesting. I really am shit at reading sign sometimes. Topics in Media Arts, Sciences will probably be really helpful in the long run but will probably be hell. The teacher is Russian, I believe, and her english isn’t always very good. The way she talks is incredibly frustrating for me- she’s just like my mom, she stops halfway through sentences. And she’s not always clear and we have to do like, real experiments. Were going to have eye tracking and finger thingys and its gonna be a lot.

And then Abnormal psych, the only class I’m actually excited to go to, which is from 5:30 to 6:50 which is. so yucky. But the teacher is super great and also super aware. she talks about how we need to break down the stigma around mental illness. Her specialty is working with Bipolar kids. She’s very energetic but i think she’s probably in her forties?  I actually have no idea but i’m accounting for my shitty sense of peoples age. Her face is actually very skull-like if you look at it close enough. Her eyes are kind of sunken and her nose is kind of big. I keep like, unconsciously diagnosing her. I think she probably has body image issues. She’s incredible, incredibly skinny. She wearing really tight tops but always has really really baggy pants. Idk, its not really my place though.

Mom hasn’t bitched as much about Ed lately, but I’m not sure if it’s because it’s getting better or because she’s getting used to it. I’m getting used to it for sure. I talked to him about making the cat tree. He said it would take a couple hours at most, and would be considerably cheaper than 300 dollars. He can get carpet for free, and wood and brackets aren’t that expensive. I guess before I okay it with him, look online, the the prices were much much cheaper (though I don’t know about shipping) but if me and Ed do it, you can make it look however you want. I think that would be kind of cool. I’ll try to remember to bug you about this if you don’t text me about it.

Victoria broke up with TJ, and he was anorexic for a time and dropped a bunch of weight. He says now he’s back to about his old weight now, with the binging and the muscle gain. He also recently started dating a tiny red head names Cameron. I don’t know much about her other than she’s a singer and not much of a dancer (Which is approximately the opposite of Victoria).

Dad has more or less stayed out of my life.

Me and Kevin got into Bondage, and it’s very much an experience I want to share with you. But I don’t know how comfortable you’d be so I figured I’d ask before I got into it. I also found out i’m into wax play and we’ve both struggled with the whole thing where were both subs and its hard.

Speaking of hard, I just wanted to make it clear in case it wasn’t, I’m not particularly comfortable being in Steve’s presence. I’m not sure what to do about it- I feel guilty for not liking him, especially because I wasn’t sure if it was because of who he is or because I’m jealous but now i’m especially wary of him after the thing on my birthday. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to really like him after all of the things he’s said about me that were negative. I admit, he is kind part of the reason I don’t really come over anymore (though our conflicting work schedules really really don’t help). So. Idk. I don’t particularly want to talk to him about it but I’m willing to if you want me to.

I think I had more to say, but theres already so much so! I love you very very much and I don’t even have words to explain how relieved I am that things are looking up for you. You deserve the whole word, just for being you. It’s probably more my fault for the lack of communication, especially as the one with more spoons in general.

Thank you for everything

EDIT: Send me the link to the Boot! Also, you should be proud, I’ve been listening to P!ATD for the past two weeks straight. so.