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canadian-riddler · 7 years

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Stay Deleted Scene 1

is what I guess we’ll call this

Sometimes he wonders how he’s allowed to keep this job at all: he’s old, disfigured, not terribly social, and above all of those things he is slow. Not just because of the first item on that list of detriments, but because he has to read the covers of every book that passes through his hands. Some of them say very little, and he is able to quash the temptation to check the jackets if they have them, but every description printed on the back is carefully read and noted, just in case. He wants to get back into the habit of reading again. He hasn’t really opened a book in years, not since long before his accident. Life got away from him, somehow. But that life is gone now. It’s over. He will begin to read again, in between collating his research that is. When he thinks about it he feels the old excitement in his chest. It was good to stop, in a way; he had become so borderline obsessed with it in his youth that it really had become quite the bad habit. He is different now, and things are different, and if he reads too much he has a very intelligent attention-seeking husband who will climb into his lap and remain there until Jonathan entertains him. In the past, Jonathan ignored him at almost every turn, unless Jonathan himself was in the mood for attention, but now… he feels as though his mind has been removed and reorganised, somehow, and his priorities have been rearranged. His research is still paramount, of course, but sometimes… sometimes Edward edges it out for the top spot. He’s not sure what it is. The steady comfort of his presence, maybe, or the reassurance that he has braved the worst with Jonathan and not backed down. He doesn’t know if it’s this newfound outlook on his life or if it was just something he used to deny to himself, but he can no longer imagine going to bed without shoving Edward’s body to one side of it, or ignoring the way Edward fruitlessly attempts to redirect that one wayward lock of hair off his forehead, or getting angry when Edward pushes his papers aside and sits on his desk until Jonathan does what he wants. Things that were once of huge import aren’t anymore. He isn’t quite ready yet to ask Edward, who probably knows why his outlook has changed. Scarecrow has been quiet since Jonathan and Edward both proved him wrong, so perhaps all it is is who he is. He spent so many years either growing into or being or preserving the Scarecrow for a myriad of purposes that whoever he is is something he doesn’t really know. It could be a result of the fever that seemed to cling to him for months at a time. Not that the cause matters, in the end. He is just curious about it sometimes.

Right now he doesn’t have any book covers to read, not really; they don’t usually put him in the children’s section for obvious reasons but someone called in sick and he was sent to cover for them. He knows parents are staring at him and whispering but he focuses on breathing and tells himself their opinions don’t matter. Only Edward’s opinion matters, and Edward doesn’t care about the scarring, and he carefully combs Jonathan’s hair over the patchy spots to make him feel better. His hands are shaking a little more than usual; otherwise his mental diversions mostly work. When he realises his breaths have run a little too short he stops and looks at the cover of the last book he needs to shelve. It has a drawing of a fuzzy blue monster on the front of it. Or at least he thinks it’s supposed to be a monster. It looks like no monster he’s ever seen, and he’s seen many more than most.

Someone is staring at him with such intensity that he can’t stand not looking anymore. He looks to his left, a little confused when no one’s there, but then he thinks to look down. There’s a little girl with long black hair and bangs that need pulled back from her eyes. Once she has his attention she says, “You’re big.”

That baffles him for a moment. “… yes,” is all he can think of to say, and returns his attention to shelving the book.

“Did your leg grow too much and that’s why you have that thing on it?”

“No,” he says slowly. “No, it ended up the right size.”

“Did it get broke then? My friend Nigel fell off the monkey bars and broke his arm and I wrote on his cast. Did someone write on your cast?”

Jonathan doesn’t mind children for exactly this reason – they want to know things – but what in the world is he supposed to say? He wishes she had just left him alone.

“I didn’t have a cast. That’s why I have to wear it. It didn’t heal properly.” Thinking about it makes it ache and he wonders if she’ll let him go so he can sit in the sorting room for a while.

“But how did it break? Did you fall? My gramma fell and broke her hip because she’s old. You look old like my gramma.”

He turns around to face her. “If you really must know,” he says, deciding to go for broke, “I was… trying to do an experiment and I was attacked by a giant crocodile man.”

Her eyes widen, though her irises are so dark he can scarce tell them from her pupils. “Really?”

“Yes. He tried to eat me but I got away. A friend rescued me, but as you can see the damage was done.” He spread a hand beside his leg. “That’s why I wear this.”

She grabs at the fingers of the hand and pulls him to the cushions in front of the library windows. “Sit there,” she instructs, and she clambers up next to him. He does so more out of confusion than because he wants to.

“I’m actually – “

“You gotta tell me that story!” she exclaims, and she snatches up his hand again as if to keep him from escaping. “I like monster stories.”

“There are plenty of those in the shelf over there. I’m sure your parent can help you find one.” He’s glad to be sitting, but at the same time he really didn’t want to be fired just yet. Not until he was able to get a position at the university, at least.

“Those monsters aren’t scary,” the girl protests. “I read that book you just put in there! The monster was sayin’ how cute he is! A crocodile man’s gotta be a scary monster!”

He looks at her. She wants a scary story, does she? Oh, he knows plenty of those, both real and imagined. “You want to hear about the crocodile man?”

She bounces up and down on the seat. “Yes!” She’s still holding onto his hand. His old, twisted, arthritic hand.

“Very well. Let me know if it gets to be too frightening. I wouldn’t want to scare you too much.”

“I ain’t scared of anything!” the girl boasts, and Jonathan smiles at her naïveté.

“Believe you me, child, everyone is afraid of something.”

He brings his right leg onto the cushion, so that he’s able to face her and yet leave his other one loose against the side of the bench, and as soon as he does this she wiggles her legs to crossed and looks up at him eagerly.

And he looks up at the ceiling and considers where to start.

He knows how to tell a story still. It takes him a minute to warm back into it, since it has been a while and more often it was Scarecrow telling it and not himself, though it was always he who knew the tricks of it. The voices to put on, the places to pause, how to hold his hands and how to tell how much of an effect he was having. She was easy to read, being a little girl, and despite her youthful bravado he frightened her fairly early on. He had to consciously check and recheck himself, because he wanted to push her. Wanted to push her harder, wanted to break her. It was when he thought to himself that she could not be educated if he broke her, could never learn to read well enough to find an actual story about monsters or mature enough to identify a good horror film, or even discover how to create these things on her own, that he no longer wanted to. Perhaps her love of scary things would motivate her in future, as fear had done so for him in its own way.

When he decides to finish the story off she is staring at him, eyes still wide and mouth slightly agape, and he wonders if she’ll remember this and realise the story contained more than one monster. Sometimes now he finds himself trying to unravel his motivations then, and the power of the obsession he once had even in memory is staggering.

“That was pretty good,” someone behind him says, and he turns in a panic to see a woman standing opposite the window, her arms folded. She has the same dark eyes as the girl in front of him. His abruptness causes him to overbalance and his leg gets jammed into the rug. He has to bite his tongue, hard.

“Thank you,” he says, when he catches his breath, though he decides keeping his face lowered is probably a good idea. It’s unlikely anyone will ever recognise him again, but the old paranoia insists otherwise.

“I wasn’t scared!” the girl announces, jumping off of the bench and standing in front of the woman, sliding her fingers into the crook of her folded elbow.

“Sounded like one of those stories about that Bat-guy,” the woman goes on, and Jonathan freezes.

Edward is going to kill him.

“Did… did it?”

“Yeah. You know, sometimes you hear about this guy who dresses up like a bat and chases after things like killer clowns and people who look like penguins. There’s one guy, what does he do… he leaves little prizes for the bat guy if he solves his brainteasers, or something?” She laughs and brings the girl onto her hip. “The stories are fun, but that’s all they are. Stories. That stuff doesn’t happen in real life, but Gotham City sure has one heck of a tourist attraction. Anyway, thanks for watching her. I didn’t think paying a fine was going to take so long.”

“You’re welcome,” Jonathan says, and even though his hand curls up defensively he turns to face her, both feet flat on the carpet. She can’t look at him, but she smiles and waves as the little girl does the same. And Jonathan folds his hands together and watches them go and stays there long after he can’t see them anymore, until his replacement tracks him down and rebukes him for not doing his job.

“I have to do twice the work!” she opines, her stabbing finger directed at his abandoned shelving rack, and when he stands up he feels lighter, somehow. He just doesn’t care, but not in the spiteful way he used to. He has just realised, if only for this moment, that he doesn’t need to care.

“I had something far more important to do,” he tells her, but he will do the courtesy of returning the empty rack. She fumes and he thinks about how much energy she’s wasting. She could be using it to think of new and wonderful things and is instead blowing a minor inconvenience out of proportion. She’s telling him she’s going to get him written up and fired, if possible, but that’s all right. He doesn’t need to work. Edward’s income is more than enough for them both. In fact, if he’s fired he will have the time to come here and read and wait for a position at the university library to open up. Getting let go from one library won’t look too good to any prospective employers, but all he really needs to do is channel his inner Edward and manipulate them into changing their minds. It wouldn’t be the first time he’s done that.

“Have a nice day,” he interrupts, not because he really wants her to; it’s just that thinking of Edward reminds him to be polite. And he takes the shelf back to the sorting room, and no one looks at him, which is fine. He just wants to leave and think about his afternoon.

And he does, standing in the back of the bus and missing his stop so that he has to walk three blocks back to the apartment. That’s all right. It’s inconvenient and that’s all.

When he’s made it upstairs and closed the door of the apartment he looks for Edward. He’s not hard to find, sitting at his desk as usual, wearing one of his earpieces and playing one of his online games. Jonathan smiles and crosses the floor towards him, and when Jonathan kisses him Edward only takes a moment to get over his surprise. The corner of his mouth curls and he says, “Hello, Professor.”

“Good evening,” Jonathan says in answer. Edward tastes strongly of black licorice, and sure enough there are a few strands of it coiled atop a piece of paper on the desk. Jonathan’s not overall fond of it himself, but it’s Edward. “Edward, I’ve a question.”

“And I have many answers,” Edward says grandly. He spins the chair around with one foot and crosses one ankle over his knee. “What do you need?”

Jonathan leans against the desk. “I told a little girl a story today. A true story. About Batman.”

Edward is tapping one finger on the edge of his keyboard. He stays silent.

“Her mother overheard and she thought… it was all an elaborate tourism plot. She doesn’t believe there is a Batman, she thinks everything that happens there is just… a story.” He meets Edward’s eyes. “Now, I can understand how outrageous it might all sound, if you weren’t there… but were we?”

“Were we there?” Edward asks. He’s running one finger up and down a piece of the licorice now.

“Did I imagine all of it? Is this,” he gestures at himself vaguely, “is this from what I think it is? Or was I in a car accident, or an industrial incident, and everything I remember is… false?” His palms grip the edge of the desk. “I… I can’t help but think that everything was just a consequence of fever.”

“It wasn’t,” Edward says, with surety. “I know, Jon. It was all real. But on the other hand… if it helps you out to write it off as some fever dream, I’ll go along with it.”

Jonathan frowns. “Hm?”

Edward leans forward, clasping his fingers. “I have to remember it. I haven’t got a choice. It seems as though you do. Now, you’re not that person anymore. You can’t be. You left them in Gotham City and that’s where they have to stay. And if it’s better for you to pretend all of it never happened so that you can start over, really start over, then do it.”

He takes a breath, as deep as he can. It hurts and he has to fight off a cough for a minute. “I could do that. It sounds tempting, to be quite honest. But as much as I had to leave behind, I still carry it, whether I admit to it or not. Your advice has good intentions, I know that. But… well. I wouldn’t be a very good psychiatrist if I advised myself to pretend my path here was imaginary.”

Edward laughs. “As far as I remember you were never a very good one to begin with!”

“Hush,” Jonathan tells him, and flicks his nose. God, he loves Edward’s nose, how it turns up just a little at the end. It matches the way he looks at people, with his chin raised just a little.

Edward returns to his game and Jonathan goes into the kitchen to start on dinner. He forgot to make it the night before, but that doesn’t mean he gets out of it today.

He makes a potato salad that’s a little more Louisiana than Georgia, and he’s not sure why he knows it at all but it’s conceivable he saw someone in the boarding house make it once or twice. A lot of the food he makes he can’t remember the origins of. They just come to mind when he needs them. It’s an hour before he calls Edward away from his game for dinner, and he thinks Edward must have been waiting for that because he comes without being asked twice. Jonathan eats more of it than he usually would, as he feels better than most days, and being full is an odd sensation for him but it feels mostly comfortable after a little while.

He sits on the balcony while Edward takes care of the dishes and probably his breakfast as well, and by the time the sky is orange Edward has brought him a coffee and is sitting with him. He drinks deeply and wishes he didn’t have to limit how much he has every day. When they had their talk Edward told him he had to slow down on the caffeine, and while Jonathan is not one to ignore Edward’s advice, he would be far happier if he found decaf palatable.

Jonathan convinces him to watch a horror movie on the stipulation that Jonathan won’t make of him if he gets ‘unnerved,’ as he puts it. Jonathan agrees to that without argument, though they both know he probably will jibe Edward about it anyway. They climb into bed together and Jonathan takes Edward in his arms as soon as Edward has himself arranged, which takes a few minutes. And Edward does have to hang onto him a few times, which Jonathan honestly finds more amusing than the movie itself, and he has to very carefully talk himself out of teasing Edward then and there. It would be funny, but Edward would scarce agree to this in the future.

When it’s concluded Edward takes his glasses off and nestles his face in Jonathan’s shoulder, as usual; his brow lowers and he asks, “Are you sure you want to sleep so soon?”

“There’s no nightmare on earth that can get to me through you, Jon,” Edward mumbles, and Jonathan’s fingers slide into his hair. It was true. It really was. It reminds Jonathan that he has not so much as dreamt, let alone had a nightmare, since they had left Gotham. Or he’d not had a dream he remembered, at least; Edward had told him once or twice that people who did not dream were rare, and never truly slept at all.

Edward, bless and curse him, sleeps as easily as ever, leaving Jonathan to stare into the dark alone. He’s not actually alone, of course, but he would have liked to have talked for a while. Then again, he usually didn’t, and how was Edward to know of his change of heart?

The little girl appeared during two of his four shifts at the library, and every day she would follow him around until he’d finished his shelving cart. He didn’t get placed in the children’s section again, but she would stand at the end of every aisle in the library and peer down them until she found him. Then she would run down it to him and beg him to come and sit with her, and her smile was so enthusiastic he really couldn’t say no. Sometimes he would get yelled at by his relief and sometimes his coworker would stand there quietly until he’d finished his story and then leave to begin their work, but none of that really mattered to Jonathan anymore.

Sometimes he told her real stories of Gotham City, and sometimes he would make them up; she seemed to find both equally frightening. One day she jumped into his lap with a book and asked him to help her read it.

Jonathan was delighted.

It wasn’t a particularly scary book, as it was for children, but he had such a feeling of… joy that she had actually asked him to teach her… God, what would things have been like if he had gone to a public school instead of the university? He would never have been able to research things, nor would he have had as much new material at his fingertips… but perhaps he could have caught them before they became jaded about their education, before they decided they wanted to drag their feet through school and cheat at every turn! He wanted to hug her for her request but instead held the book a little harder than was necessary, telling her to sound out the words with her finger if she had to, encouraging her to ask if she didn’t know what the words meant, and reassuring her when she felt it was getting too hard. She didn’t finish the book that day, but when her mother came to get her she hugged Jonathan very hard around the waist and said she would work on her reading for next time. It was amazing. She was learning, and had asked for his help to do so, and wanted to keep on doing it until they met again.

Jonathan had not smiled so much for anything except Edward in a very long time. He usually didn’t, but that day when she waved at him, he waved back.

There isn’t a next time for a while, though.

Somewhere between his first and second shifts of the week, Jonathan contracts a cold. For most, this wasn’t such a bad thing and they would have been able to work, albeit miserably. Jonathan and his compromised lungs, however, are barely up to breathing.

Edward sits with him every day, exuding his usual steady strength, and Jonathan does his best to take it into himself. Sometimes he thinks he’s done it, but then he breathes the wrong way and descends into a fit of coughing that leaves him curled into the mattress, struggling for air. His chest is on fire all the time. His head is a throbbing mess more often than not, his throat seems to have more or less swelled closed, and he can’t sleep. His body aches because of the violence with which the coughing shakes him. Edward brings him fluids often and helps him to bathe in the evenings. He hates himself and his weakness. He comes very close to telling Edward he would rather be dead than go through sickness again.

When Edward has to leave he works himself into a panic over things such as what would happen if he contracted influenza, or any other virus on the entire planet. He would end up in the hospital, or dead! He doesn’t tell Edward about anything that happens when he’s gone. Not about the panic attacks he sets off, or the tears of frustration, or the fact that Scarecrow is laughing in the back of his head and he will not stop. Everything hurts. He wants to tear out his throat and lungs and sometimes Edward’s calm hand in his is all that stops him from trying to.

It’s almost two weeks before Jonathan sleeps longer than twenty minutes at a time. Edward had been pressuring him to take the zolpidem for a couple of days prior, but Jonathan refused. His headache was already so bad that he could barely see. He felt as though the side effect of the medication would give him an aneurysm. He has a stretch where the crushing agony in his chest lets up, and breathing is not torture, and he sleeps for an hour. He feels so victorious when he wakes up that he might as well have slept for an entire eight. Edward smiles and they exchange the weakest of high-fives.

In all it’s three and a half weeks before Edward lets Jonathan return to the library, and by then he has been left a message on Edward’s phone telling him he’s been let go. He’s annoyed by that for a while – it wasn’t really his fault he got sick – and goes into the building anyway. He doesn’t have a job anymore, but they can’t take the books away.

It feels a little strange, but he hopes the little girl will be there, and that she’ll understand why he disappeared. He knows that perhaps it’s silly; she’s only a child after all, and her whims are mercurial as such. But she was the best student he ever had.

When he walks into the children’s section she’s there, and he doesn’t know if he should encourage the excitement in his chest or fight it back. She’s sitting on the bench with a book, the same way she used to face him when he told her stories, the one they were reading right beside her… she can’t possibly have been waiting all this time for him to come back, can she?

She’s so involved in her new book that he doesn’t know whether he should disturb her or not. He can’t come here and at not at least greet her, can he? So he sits down in front of her and says hello. He’s glad he did when her entire face lights up. She jumps into his lap and hugs him, though he still doesn’t know what he’s supposed to do with his arms when that happens. “Where were you?” she asks, looking up at him. He decides that perhaps she’s been sitting there long enough and does his best to politely extricate her.

“I was taken ill,” he tells her. “My husband only just let me leave the house.” Not that he wasn’t right to say such a thing. Jonathan is merely not fond of taking –

He realises that was the first time he referred to Edward as such and smiles. He has a husband, of all things. Imagine that.

“Oh,” the girl says morosely. “I didn’t finish yet! And I’m real good at reading now!” She holds up the book and then carefully finds the right page, little pink tongue pinned between her lips.

Her reading has improved, not very much but enough to call it improvement; it doesn’t matter anyway, as long as she has the drive to keep trying. When she struggles her way through the last page she is so happy she finished it that he feels honoured just to be sitting there.

“I gotta put it away,” she tells him and she pats his leg as if to tell him to stay put. He nods and stands up for a minute. Sitting is easier but he keeps thinking of all the days he couldn’t get out of bed.

There has been an itch building in the back of his throat for some time now. He didn’t want to cough on her so he had ignored it, but now he tries to clear it before she returns. He still can’t inhale deeply enough to do it properly and before he knows what’s happening he can’t stop coughing, he’s sinking to the floor and trying to stop and he can’t breathe, God, why can’t he stop –

His chest hurts and he can’t see and his hand has a death grip on the window seat cushion, and he’s pressed into the bench in an attempt to keep himself oriented. Edward, where is Edward, Edward will know what to do, he can’t breathe and Edward can fix it but Edward’s not here, Edward is at home and Jonathan should have listened and stayed there with him –

Someone is gripping his shoulder very hard, they’re putting something into his free hand and wrapping his fingers around it. They’re telling him to put it in his mouth and press down and inhale, and he doesn’t have the capacity to do anything but follow this one thread offered him. It takes him a few tries before he gets it to work, before he can stop choking on his own inability to breathe, and when he feels he can he drops his arm. Breathing is still hard, though not impossible.

“Are you all right?” someone asks. He thinks it’s the same person who gave him the inhaler. He’s not sure through the rushing in his ears.

“In… in a minute,” he answers, and it takes more effort than he expected it would. All those years of inhaling toxic chemicals without a mask… stupid. Horribly, shamefully stupid.

No, Jonathan, he tells himself, that was then and you can do nothing about it now. Focus on now. Existing in the past only destroys what you become in the future. In another minute he can blink the dark splotches out of his vision and let go of the bench. He turns to find the person to return the inhaler to. It’s the girl’s mother.

“What happened?” she asks kindly. He shakes his head.

“Doesn’t matter.” He lifts himself onto the bench to try to convince himself he has some ability to pull himself together just then. The tremor in his hands is more severe than ever and he clenches them together in an attempt to stifle it.

She sits down next to him and pulls her daughter into her lap. “What’s your name?”

“Jon,” he says after a moment.

“Jon, my daughter said you were gone these past weeks because you were sick. It might be none of my business, but I think you need to go back home and rest.”

“Perhaps,” Jonathan accedes. He hadn’t even done anything strenuous and had ended up a gasping mess anyway. Breathing was still agony five minutes later.

“We’re leaving anyway. We’ll walk you to your car.” The woman lets her daughter slide to the floor and offers him a hand.

“I… don’t have one.” He can’t look at her, not just because he’s ashamed of his weakness and his stupidity, but because she is being kind without knowing who he was. It was his own damn fault and she was taking pity on him for something he’d done to himself.

“You take the bus?”

He nods.

“I’ll take you, then. Come on.” And she takes his wrist when he doesn’t offer it.

He’s not entirely sure what he should do now; very few people other than Edward have offered him help in this way. He allows himself to be led to the woman’s car, the little girl jumping around and chattering about the book she finished, and watching her just makes him feel old and even more tired than he already is. She has an energy he knew only at the height of his obsession. She continues her rambling even after they’re in the car and neither Jonathan nor her mother are really listening anymore.

Her mother doesn’t make Jonathan say anything other than his address, and when they arrive outside of his building she says, “I have to thank you, by the way. My daughter lost interest in reading for a while and just wanted to play with the toys at the library, and I took her in the hopes she’d find something she liked… but she didn’t, until you came along.” She touches his arm. “We hope we’ll see you again soon, but not too soon. Take your time getting better. What happened back there could have been a lot worse.”

Jonathan only nods and exits her car. He’s beginning to feel as though it’s closing in on him, as though she’s leaning into him and scrutinising him even though she’s merely sitting in the centre of her seat. It’s only after he’s closed the car door and she has driven away that he realises he should have thanked her, or waved at the very least. It only makes him feel worse and he hopes with all the energy he has left that Edward is upstairs.

#Riddler #Scarecrow #Jonathan Crane #Scriddler #I'm not continuing this nor using it for anything #so please do not ask me to #fanfic from Indy

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billyagogo · 5 years

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32 Things Under $10 That'll Never Stop Being Useful

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A pair of blackout curtains that’ll help you get some SLEEP for once past 6 a.m. Whoever says the morning bird gets the worm can HAVE IT. We just want complete darkness.

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Promising review: “These are TRUE blackout curtains!!! FINALLY I found some curtains that you truly cannot see through. These are exactly what I was looking for! They really don’t let ANY light through, they’re fantastic for both my office, where I have to do minute color adjustments on architectural illustrations on my computer monitor, AND my bedroom, where the nearby train station’s blinding lights keep me up all night unless I wear one of those sleeping blindfolds, which are really uncomfortable.” —DotScott1Get them from Amazon for $8.99+ (available in three sizes and 18 colors).

A glass nail file with a convenient carrying case for shaping your nails with pro-level precision sans irritating scraping, like traditional files. This’ll make the whole process a heck of a lot more satisfying — and leave you with expertly-rounded manis.

amazon.com, amazon.com

Promising review: “WOW! I’ve gone through her share of nail files. Emery boards, boring cardboard boards you get at the pharmacy, you name it. THIS IS AMAZING! It files like a DREAM. It usually takes me 5-10 minutes to do a good job on my nails and this was over in moments, and my nails were smooth and wonderful. It’s quick, you’re actually using something wonderful other than sandpaper on your delicate nails, it ends up SMOOTH, not jagged like with an emery board, and not frustrating like a metal file where you can’t tell if you’re doing any damage at all. It’s fantastic.” —Jennifer A. MeldeGet it from Amazon for $6.99+ (available in seven colors).

A widely-loved Wet Brush to detangle BOTH wet and dry hair, minus any painful pulling or breakage. Aka you’ll still have every strand of hair you started with.

instagram.com

Promising review: “I used to fight with my daughter (who is five) to brush her hair, but this brush is amazing no matter how many tangles are in your hair. It slowly and gently glides right through them one by one. Great for sensitive scalps. I love using it, and so does my daughter on both wet and dry hair. It’s our go-to.” —Stephanie KingGet it from Sally Beauty for $8.99 (available in two colors)To learn more, check out “If Tangled Hair Is Your Worst Nightmare, This Brush Will Be Your Hero”.

10.

An egg spatula, because this’ll perfect your egg game without actually making you practice. The tip of its head is firm for better scrambling, its longest edge is soft and flexible for lifting and turning omelets, and its flat face makes lifting fried eggs so much easier. Translation: your breakfast will now always be in one piece.

Amazon

Promising review: “I bought this to match the other spatulas like it. Turns out it’s bigger compared to the other ones, but I’m glad, because it does the job better. And it washes well!” —amelia Get it from Amazon for $7.99.

11.

An adhesive LED strip to reduce your TV’s glare so the screen creates sharper images and increases color contrast — aka The Office will look better than ever as you non-stop binge before it’s removed from Netflix (😭).

amazon.com

It also helps your vision adjust between a bright screen and dark room to reduce eye strain!Promising review: “You will be surprised how well this works. I thought it was a gimmick — but then read several articles about the benefits of bias lighting and though I would give it a try. Setting it up takes about five minutes — very simple. The surprise comes when you turn on the TV with the bias lighting and the picture POPS! The contrast and the black level jumps and the picture looks significantly improved! ” —Rgd18Get it from Amazon for $9.99+ (available in six sizes).

12.

A mini laptop cleaner with two sides: one a microfiber pad to keep screens smudge-free, and the other a retractable brush to sweep away dust and crumbs. Cleaner workspace = a higher chance you’ll actually answer some emails.

Amazon

Promising review: “This is an ingenious product. I find that my keyboard is always accumulating dust and all kinds of other stuff I usually drop or spill onto it. It doesn’t matter if it’s work or home, they both somehow get the same amount of dirt onto it. I put it to use with my work keyboard and I noticed it cleaned between the grooves and under the keys. You can clean the keyboard, monitor, glasses and not have to need three different items.” —DaveSincereGet it from Amazon for $9.95.

13.

A metal brainteaser puzzle so you can keep your hands busy (goodbye, picking your cuticles), stimulate your mind when work. is. so. BORING, and stay entertained really wherever you go.

amazon.com

Basically, it’s a challenge to take the cylinder puzzle apart and put it back together! It sounds simple enough — until you read the reviews that this is h a r d.Promising review: “Wonderful quality construction. This was my first Hanayama metal puzzle. I have purchased a few more since. You can’t find a better quality, longer-lasting puzzle in my opinion. Very happy with the purchase. It wasn’t too difficult to figure out for me, but a few other people I let try it struggled quite a bit. I would say putting it back together proved more difficult than taking it apart the first time. Once you figure it out it becomes easy, but is still fun to take apart and put back together.” —RippGet it from Amazon for $9.70.

14.

A multifunctional opener that’ll help you get a ~grip~ and tackle just about everything that has a lid: jars, bottles, cans, nail polish, you name it. Pickle jar — our war has finally come to an end.

Amazon

Promising review: “This thing is really neat! I love kitchen gadgets and this is definitely a great add to my utensil drawer. It’s multi functional so I don’t have to have too much cluttering up the kitchen drawer. Plus, it is easy to use and really works well. Very happy with my purchase and if you like useful kitchen gadgets, you will too!” —GypsyGet it from Amazon for $8.97.

15.

A four-way cleaning brush for making worn-out boots (why do salted sidewalks punish us so) look brand-new just in time for ~fall outfits~. Plus! It works on just about every surface, like sneakers, leather coats, and furniture, so you can erase damage 👏 all 👏 year 👏 long.

amazon.com

It has four sides: one to clean heavier scuff marks and stains, one to gently clean fine suede and light scuff marks, one to clean rounded corners, and one to clean hard-to-reach crevices and grooves. Promising review: “I was really sad when I thought my bucks were at the end of their road, because I had always heard that suede couldn’t be cleaned. With this brush and a little elbow grease my bucks are looking great again! I didn’t use any water or cleaner, I just kept wiping the brush off on my jeans to keep the brush clean, then hit the shoe again with a clean surface. It even brightened the leather up a bit.” —RobertoGet it from Amazon for $6.99.

16.

A pair of high-waisted leggings, because reviewers RAVE that these are every bit as soft (if not softer!) than high-end leggings — including LuLaRoe and Lululemon! Welcome to year-long snuggles for your bum.

Amazon, amazon.com

AND reviewers swear they’re not see-through (even when you squat)!Promising review: “Let me start by saying that I never take the time to write reviews — and I purchase half of everything we buy on Amazon. However, as a former LuLaRoe-obsessed mom, I felt compelled to make time to review these leggings. If you are reading this and wondering how these compare to LLR leggings, I am here to tell you I am confident LLR is ripping loyal customers off by charging $25-30+. These leggings are just as soft. They fit the same, if not better. They do NOT PILL if you wash cold and hang dry. I truly feel like I’m wearing ‘butter leggings’. The price is obviously better and more fair in my opinion.” —Jen WolfeGet them from Amazon for $8.99+ (available in two size ranges: S–L and XL–3X and 23 colors).

17.

An edge dish brush so you can say so long to washing dishes with bacteria-filled sponges. This’ll drain excess water directly into the sink so mold can’t build up the minute you walk away. AND it saves space!

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And it’s scratch-resistant! Promising review: “Sometimes it’s the little things that make you happy — like the fact that the dish brush can sit up out of the sink, not get gross when you accidentally throw greasy dishes on top, and it’s attractive! If the edge of your sink is, it stays up.” —JazzmineGet it from Amazon for $6.90+ (available in two colors).

18.

An adjustable blind duster that’ll clean your window blinds and car vents faster than you can complain — just a few swipes, and it’s back to the couch. I promise.

Amazon, amazon.com

It comes with five washable microfiber sleeves.Promising review: “OK I’ll be honest, I ordered this because of the price. After reviewing several other options and having been disappointed with previous dusters I’ve had, I figured why spend more money on something that isn’t going to work? So I ordered the least expensive option but WOW does this little tool rock!!!! It’s very easy to use and clean. It does a fantastic job of cleaning and dusting the blinds and gets ALL of the crud off of them. My blinds haven’t been this clean since the day they were first installed. VERY happy with purchase.” —Amazon ShopperGet it from Amazon for $7.99 (available in two colors).

19.

An adorable wireless earbuds case for never losing your EXPENSIVE Airpods — a big, big fear of…everyone’s? Basically, it’ll relieve that constant ~pit~ in your stomach that they might have gone missing.

amazon.com

Promising review: “I get so many compliments on this little avocado! It makes it so much easier to carry my AirPods wherever I go, as well.” —Amazon CustomerGet it from Amazon for $9.98.

20.

A monthly bill planner, because this’ll help you manage all your scary expenses instead of avoiding the thought of them and accidentally forgetting about them entirely (a no-no). It helps break everything down (including a debt payment log, daily and weekly expense tracker, and budget worksheet) to make finances feel more maneagble. Phew.

Amazon, amazon.com

Plus it’s dateless, so you can start whenever! Promising review: “I really like this planner. I’ve been saying I’m going to get my life together and get out of debt. So in order to do that, I need to keep track of my budget. When I saw this I said let me just see it’s less then $10 so I’m sure it’s not gonna work for me!!! Boy was I surprised. It’s super big; it has enough space for me to write. The lines are separated very well. It has my budget for the month, then a page for weekly activity. I can’t say enough good things about it. It’s thick not thin like a $1 store book it’s sturdy. Folks let me tell you. Order this and save yourself some money and enjoy this. I can’t wait to order more.” —NiaGet it from Amazon for $6.89.

21.

An on-the-go snack container so you can bring ~full~filling yogurt parfaits to work, instead of settling for the boring pretzels in the break room. It’s spill- and leak-proof, and has two separate compartments to keep food fresh and dry!

Amazon

Promising review: “I loved this container so much that I bought a second the next day after receiving it. I love that I can put my fruit in the bottom of the container and then my granola in the top bowl, and they stay safe, protected, and do not leak. The clips are a secure fit, too.” —Kelly VGet it from Amazon for $9.99.

22.

A multi-purpose spray bottle that’ll not only cut down on waste when you refill this, but also make doing your hair (or chores!) more satisfying. Its mist is continuous *and* super fine, so you pump less and apply just the right amount of water or product to your tresses — aka it’s exactly like going to the hairdresser.

Amazon

You can use this for your hair, gardening, or chores! Promising review: “Love this product; it’s definitely comparable to high-end salon-quality products for a great price. I love the pressurized mist that comes out of the nozzle. As opposed to drowning my hair in water and having to leave the house with extremely wet hair, this product gives me nice, even coverage (just enough to dampen my hair)!” —AliyaGet it from Amazon for $9.99+ (available in three sizes).

23.

A set of bag sealer sticks for making sure your cereal, snacks, pet food, etc. is sealed 👏 tight 👏 and will actually stay fresh. They’re super easy to apply and will end up saving you money when you don’t have to keep replacing less-than-crisp chips.

amazon.com

And they’re dishwasher-safe!Promising review: “I will never use a regular chip clip again! I received one of this style bag sealer as a promo item from a local company, and it was the greatest design I’d ever seen. They work 100% better than a traditional clip! You can open a bag, seal it with one of these bad boys and open it again two months later and the chips taste exactly the same as day one! Your pantry will never be the same!” —MatthewGet a pack of 16 from Amazon for $8.49 (available in two color combinations).

24.

A heat-resistant glove, because you do NOT need an explanation if you’ve ever burned yourself with your straightener or curling iron. This’ll help you style your mane sans fear of hurting your fingers.

Amazon

Promising review: “It protects my hands well from curling iron and curling wand burns. I am disabled and my hands shake a bit, this helps me curl my hair without hurting myself. I am pretty young so I love anything that helps me do these kind of everyday things I would otherwise have to give up! It helps me not feel-so-different. I like it so much I may get another in the near future so I have one for each hand.” —clynhGet it from Amazon for $4.98.

25.

A non-drip ice cream scoop with a textured surface to release ice cream more easily *and* a handle that lets it stand up straight and collect any melting. Somehow eating ice cream just got even more rewarding.

Amazon

Promising review: “I bought this for my mother and now I want one for myself! It works great! It solves the problems of traditional scoopers and stands up and doesn’t drip. It makes it so much easier when making an ice cream cone! It also has a good grip and easy scoop shape.” —MommaeagleGet it from Amazon for $5.79 (available in two colors).

26.

A drip-catching bib so your bb doesn’t make ~quite~ as big a mess as usual when they manage to get crumbs just about everywhere imaginable. You are so cute, but so MESSY! Now food will be *collected*, not found under the sink three months later.

Amazon

Promising review: “These bibs are my absolute favorite. They’re great quality, clean easily with soap and water, and save my baby from being a total mess after mealtime. The bibs pretty much catch everything because the pocket at the bottom keeps its shape, unlike some of those softer, more fabric-like versions by other companies. I had one pair for my first son, and ordered this pair to make sure I had enough for my second son. I love these bibs so much that I’ve given them as gifts to new moms several times.” —TheBjaminGet a pack of two from Amazon for $7.60 (available in two colors combinations).

27.

A padded console rest that’ll protect your car’s armrest from pet claws, dirt, and sticky fingers (v important for leases) and make driving a little more ~comfortable~.

amazon.com

You just tie it directly onto your armrest with its bands!Promising review: “I bought this for my Honda CRV to provide protection from my dogs when in the car. I have a small dog that likes sitting on the console, and another large dog that rides with her paws on the console. I definitely didn’t want scratches on it, and this solved the problem perfectly. I leave it on always, and enjoy the soft comfort of it when I’m able to use it.” —SyoungGet it from Amazon for $9.79 (available in 20 styles).

28.

An egg timer for knowing *exactly* when your poached eggs are ready, instead of risking a tragic ending. When placed in the water with the eggs, it turns red to tell you breakfast is SERVED.

amazon.com, amazon.com

It also marks the stages of the eggs’ “readiness”: hard, medium, and soft, so you can take them out when they’re your definition of ~just right~!Promising review: “I am very picky about getting my eggs a certain way for certain uses. The consistency of the yolk, from liquid to gel to dry, is important for different uses. In the past I have had to really watch the clock and temperature of the water. This little drop-in doneness indicator is absolutely tremendous and dead accurate. I am free of the clock!” —A.M. BarnardGet it from Amazon for $6.99.

29.

An over-the-door rod, because this’ll save you so much space if you’re the proud owner of a teeny-tiny apartment with teenier-tinier closets. Or! You can use it to plan out ~tomorrow’s outfit~, or even just to hang drying laundry.

Amazon

Promising review: “My closet can be a mess and I use it to store things I use year-round. What I love about this product is that I’m able to organize what I wear for the week and just have it sit there on my door. It doesn’t get in the way. Definitely would purchase it for anyone who needs a something more to organize their clothes but not another wardrobe.” —Apple JessGet it from Amazon for $9.89+ (available in two colors).

30.

A set of silicone stretch lids to nix wasteful plastic wrap (which doesn’t work as well, anyway) and keep opened jars, cans, or even half-drunk cups airtight and perfectly fresh.

Amazon

They’re dishwasher- and microwave-safe, and heat-resistant up to 450°F.Promising review: “These are awesome! We use canned dog food to mix in for one of our older dogs, and we only use a few tablespoons each time. These are perfect to seal up the can after use to prevent the whole fridge from smelling like dog food. They’re quite simply perfect. I honestly don’t know what I’ve done without these covers before now.” —J.M.C.Get a pack of six from Amazon for $9.97.

31.

An extra-affordable Oral-B electric toothbrush so you can clean your teeth more thoroughly than a regular toothbrush without paying the price. Plus! It’s travel-friendly so you can keep your pearly whites just as polished wherever you go.

Amazon

This bb polishes stains away with ~14,000~ strokes per minute. Promising review: “Great toothbrush. I originally had one with a charger, but it was getting old and I wanted a replacement. I couldn’t find one with a charger but instead found this one that takes a battery, instead. I like this better since I don’t have to find a place to plug up my toothbrush. It uses the same changeable toothbrush head. It feels like it really cleans and polishes my teeth . After using this, I feel like a regular toothbrush is doing nothing at all.” —WillowGet it from Amazon for $4.99.See what won best electric toothbrushes on BuzzFeed Reviews.

32.

A colander spoon that’ll strain water ~while~ you scoop, aka you won’t need to transfer your pasta to the sink (more dishes, more problems). It also works with fried foods, veggies, or really anything that needs to be removed from water!

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It’s nonstick, dishwasher-safe, and heat-resistant up to 392°F. Promising review: “I love this thing! It is quite sturdy and has no issues holding lots of ravioli, tortellini, or any other shaped pasta. It is also great for grabbing veggies out when I blanch them in water, or chicken breasts I have poached. I was injured in an automobile accident and my hands are not in great condition. It has — almost totally — made lifting heavy pots full of liquid, unnecessary. Cooking is therapy for me; and, to find any tools which make it easier for me, is fantastic! I highly recommend this scoop to anyone needing a little help in the kitchen, or who just wants to not have to pull out strainers all of the time.” —Kayce Cawthon McCartyGet it from Amazon for $5.79 (available in four colors).

You upon hearing the rumors that you’re trying to marry your wire-free bra:

NBC

The reviews for this post have been edited for length and clarity.

Check out last month’s edition of ~things under $10 that’ll never stop being useful~ here!

Looking for more great Amazon finds? Check out some of our favorite cheap things to buy on Amazon, some of the weirdest things on Amazon you might actually want, or read through all the rest of our incredible Amazon product recommendations.

Shopping for something specific? Check out BuzzFeed Reviews to find the best things for every budget!

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ciathyzareposts · 5 years

Text

Curse of Enchantia: Final Rating

Written by Alfred n the Fettuc

Oh this is going to be a good one. Like I said in the first post, I’ve already tried playing Enchantia a very long time ago but never really got past the underwater section. Now that I’ve been forced to do so, I discovered what can only be described as a masterpiece in bad game design. Let’s see how it fares in the PISSED system. Spoiler alert: it probably won’t go very high.

Splat indeed

Final Rating

Puzzles and Solvability

This category is, in my humble opinion, one of the most, if not the most, important in the PISSED rating. After all, an adventure game can look rubbish and still be very fun to play because of its clever puzzles. Even the story can sometimes take backstage if the meat of the game (the puzzles, riddles and brainteasers) is a success. Not so much here. Almost all of the puzzles of the game feel random. I can’t count the number of times I felt like a puzzle could be solved in one way or another and ended up doing something completely stupid or counter-intuitive.

Some games contain obtuse puzzles which usually come with a funny or nonsensical world, but most of the time it feels kinda logical, even if sometimes only after the fact. Here, each section contains its own nightmare. Most of the time you just need to pick up random objects to activate a flag somewhere completely unrelated so you can make some progress. Throw a computer on a plank in a cavern literally filled with big rocks. The magician doing random things while you have no reason to think so. The blu-tack puzzle is one of the most stupid things I‘ve ever seen, if only because you have no way of telling what item is in your inventory (more on that in the inventory section). And the examples keep piling up. Even the ending section, where you actually do things that are a bit logical to advance, feels rushed and unsatisfactory.

Stupid blue rock

The only redeeming quality is the fact that you can’t be dead-ended, but putting invisible barriers to avoid that is not the best way to go. It’s the only thing that avoids this category to score a 0.

Final Score : 1. No sense at all in most of the game. Pick up random items and something might occur somewhere else.

Interface and Inventory

Different interfaces tend more often than not to be a miss than a hit. This interface might be the worst thing I’ve seen in my entire life as a gamer. Everything is overly complex and counter-intuitive. I’ve spent more hours in this game trying to do things just because the way the developer wanted me to do it was completely absurd. It’s the graphical equivalent of a bad shareware 80-something text parser, where you have to type TURN DOORKNOB instead of OPEN DOOR. Add that to the stupid puzzles and it’s no wonder I spent so much time on the game. Having so many options with verbs that seem to vary from time to time (once, you need to use ATTACK, another time you need to use PUSH to do the exact same thing) render the whole game sluggish and obtuse. I’ve actually really felt the interface working against me the entire time.

Just give me a real LOOK or WHAT IS option please.

And this inventory. If you go for nondescript items, at least make the graphics of said items look like something, not some blotch of color pixel that could literally be anything. The blu-tack, the deodorant and the golden cloth come instantly to mind. Add the random red herrings that have no purpose whatsoever and items that seem to disappear from your inventory when they want and you have a recipe for disaster.

Final Score : 0. The worst examples of interface and inventory I’ve seen in my entire gamer life.

Story and Setting

What story? I mean, Brad is captured and needs to fight the enchantress to go back home. At no point did I have any feeling of advancing through a story but more felt like I was transported from random location to random location. At no point did I feel like I was progressing toward one goal or willingly going to some place (except when you’re set on a linear path like the seabed or the cliff where you just advance on the path until the next roadblock). Even the final encounter feels like you entered the wrong room by accident.

Woops. Sorry about that, I was looking for the restrooms.

The setting suffers from the same problem where you just feel like locations have been constructed randomly, without rhyme nor reason, from some kind of graphical bank they bought wholesale. At least the scrapyard of madness is kinda funny and original but too much of your time in the game is spent in ugly locations: the grey seabed, the lookalike caves or the neverending cliff are not exactly a joy to explore.

Final Score: 1. Incoherent and random, the world of Enchantia is a chore to explore. And no story whatsoever.

Sound and Graphics

As predicted, this category is the only positive point of Enchantia. The graphics are nice and the animation can sometimes be pretty funny. A few sprites, like the yeti, the parrot or the sea dragon are really nice and well designed and a few bits of slapstick comedy are animated well enough so that they can be funny. I understand that a few critics of the time were impressed by the overall looks of the game. Add to that the little bits of digitised voices now and then (you’re pretty bored by the HELP and HI by the end of the game, but the SHUT UP and a few screams are spot on).

Really nice and big sprites now and then.

Other than that I have to insist on the fact that the music is simply unbearable. From what Laukku has said, there are multiple tracks on MT-32 and I know the Amiga version has no music, but I have to judge the version I played on. Who thought that putting a bland five notes ditty on a loop for ten hours would be a good idea? It’s infuriating very fast and completely annihilates the few moments of tension the game could have had for itself. The sound effects are nothing to write home about with a lot of sounds effects reused ad nauseam for completely unrelated things.

Final Note: 6. Let’s say it’s a 7 for the graphics, but the music only is enough to make me subtract a whole point.

Environment and Atmosphere

Meh. The atmosphere really tries to go for a medieval comedy setting à la Monty Pythons but it kinda falls short in every category. The randomness of the whole world really hurts the atmosphere and the environment alternate between the nice and the bland. There is nothing that really stand out and a few things that could have been nice don’t really come together. It’s not enough to put tutus on orcs if you just leave it at that and think “Hey, the orcs have tutus, it’s funny, that’s good enough”. What really made Secret of Monkey Island stand out in its atmosphere is that it cleverly parodies the swashbuckling tropes and runs with it. Curse of Enchantia is more akin to making a pirate fart joke and calling it a day.

The graveyard has a nice atmosphere but it’s too little, too late.

A little coherence would have gone a long way in helping the game. Seeing again one of the one-legged monsters from the beginning corridor for example, or another meeting with the giant parrot. The village streets are blocked by a roach-monster, a tutu-wearing orc shepherd and two sleeping mexicans. Not to mention the red and white road barrier that suddenly appears out of nowhere at one point to stop you from going where you want while wearing the pig disguise… What could have been a controlled and fun mess ends up being a simple mess.

Final Score: 3. Incoherent world-building and non sequitur atmosphere.

Dialog and Acting

HI. HELP. OPEN SESAME. I can add one point for the SHUT UP and another one for a few of Brad’s mimics, but that’s about it. I can dig the fact that the goal was to make a dialogue-free game so that anyone could play, but then it misses the point by adding signs and written puns. Nothing much to say here.

Behold : the quest giver.

Final Score: 2. Making a game without dialogue or written words is commendable enough but don’t stop halfway and write things anyway!

Final Score

So the final score of this masterpiece of adventuring is (1+0+1+6+3+2=13/0.6) = 22! Putting it between Hugo II and III. I won’t remove any more points because I think I already rated this game rather harshly but considering how bad the whole experience was, this score seems only fitting.

Laukku, you were the only one guessing low enough to earn some CAPs! Well done!

Thank god it’s all over now. I think I’ll play through the entire Lucasarts collection once or twice now in order to forget all about this game. I hope this blog will stay online forever and that anyone even remotely thinking about playing through Curse of Enchantia will read these words and choose instead to go for something more fun, like learning how to juggle with chainsaws. Thanks for reading!

CAP Distribution

100 CAPs for Alfred n the Fettuc

Blogger Award – 100 CAPs – For suffering through aptly named Curse of Enchantia for our perverted pleasure

50 CAPs for Ilmari

Classic Blogger Award – 50 CAPs – for playing through Secret Diary of Adrian Mole for our enjoyment

27 CAPs for Laukku

Low but not low enough prediction award 10 CAPs – for almost guessing one of the lowest scores in the blog history

Yahtzee award – 3 CAPs – For pointing a let’s play from Yahtzee

Steel Sequel award – 4 CAPs – For telling us about the Beneath a Steel Sky sequel

Blu-tack award – 5 CAPs – For giving a little bit of sense to the blue rock puzzle with the blu-tack theory

Scott Mc Cloud award – 2 CAPs – For the link to Scott Mc Cloud’s comic transitions categorisation

Spatial awareness award – 3 CAPs – For explaining to me where you end up when exiting a grave by the side.

7 CAPs for Michael

Spatial awareness award – 3 CAPs – For explaining to me where you end up when exiting a grave by the side.

FAQ user award – 4 CAPs – For trying to give a few pointers about the red herring objects in this game

5 CAPs for Alejandro Romanella AKA Alex Romanov

Enchantia master award – 5 CAPs – For knowing this terrible game like the back of his hand

4 CAPs for Deano

Obscure english show reference award – 4 CAPs – For being the first to point out the reference to Mr Benn

3 CAPs for Charles

Carpenter award – 3 CAPs – For talking about In the mouth of madness and helping me find the title of my next post

source http://reposts.ciathyza.com/curse-of-enchantia-final-rating/

#retro games #dos games #retro #crpg #adventure #amiga #oldcomputers #8bit #16bit #blog #repost

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