#ive accepted im aroflux but like. | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

loveless-aroace-space · 3 years

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im slowly learning to accept and process that im a loveless aroace

ive been in a lot of relationships of many kinds and people have always told me

"this feeling is normal,its the honeymoon phase going away" in response to me feeling different about my partner/partners

ive always thought i was aroflux but im not sure I really am. my emotions are flucuating and its hard to place what exactly i feel and my current horomones might have some kind of influence on "feeling attraction" but really i dont. Im freyromantic, im aegoromantic?(i still like reading about and seeing stuff about romance but it doesnt give me the happy feels it used to)

maybe all i want is to be myself and vibe with others and thats all

(Sorry for very late reply!)

That's what I decided to do. I decided to be myself and stop asking whether I was x or y or z. After sometime the answer came naturally-

I know it's hard with so many labels and choices, I personally found that just calling myself aro was enough in the end. ^^ Just make sure to tell your future partners (if you have anymore) that you are not sure of where you stand, and all should be well I believe!

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streetsandsodiumlights · 7 years

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its 4 am time to post feelings

sometimes i get worried about my friends having significant others and not... prioritizing our friendship as highly as they did before they started dating those people? and it’s usually not even a reasonable fear; my friends aren’t that kind of person. my friends are the kind of people who love me enough to not drop me just cause theyre dating people so like... it’s a worthless fear. it’s the sort of fear that’s only reasonable in wild fantasies and dreams and nightmares.

i think the fear itself stems from like... the way romantic relationships are presented as somehow more important than friendships in pop culture i guess. i’m presented with the image that the platonic love i have for my friends--and the love they have for me--is lesser than romantic love. and that’s a troubling image for me cause, bein on the aro spectrum, it’s... tough to just accept that im always gonna be missing out on something that’s supposed to be better than the best thing i have right now.

in the past ive done a lot of projecting based on this fear. i’ve wish-hope-believed that the people i’ve considered my best friends are also aromantic, and i’ve agreed to date people because they were at the time my closest confidant and i wanted to express that i cared for them, and i’ve had crushes on people who were unattainable because i didn’t want to accept that i was aro but i didn’t actually want to date people anyway. i’ve had crushes on idealized versions of people and forgotten who they actually were when i only considered them a friend. i’ve paid incredibly close attention to the minutest details of my friends’ behavior toward other people so that i would know if they had a crush, if they were about to leave me behind in favor of this... mythical Something More Than Friends, and i’ve always laughed off the times that i’ve known someone likes another person without being told; “i’m just good with this stuff.”

and i’ve tried to be reasonable with myself about this, too. i already know that my friends aren’t just gonna drop me cause they’re dating someone. it’s not like them, not to mention it’s never happened in the history of my friends dating people. i’ve got precedent here that says i don’t need to be afraid, but fear is like that sometimes.

and honestly all of this isn’t even about the fact that my friends are dating people. it really just comes down to me really not knowing if i’m really aroflux, or if i’m just flat out aromantic. cause i honestly don’t want to be aromantic; i want the tiny sliver of a chance that i’m gonna find the Mythical Something More with someone and finally really understand why romance is such a pervasive or, ubiquitous, thing in our society. but the more pointless, unattainable, idealized crushes i go through the more i start to think that maybe there’s something i need to accept about myself before i can finally find peace with this issue.

never thought i’d struggle with self acceptance. never thought i’d manifest that struggle the way i have been, and never thought i’d make this post at four in the morning thinking “huh sometimes im scared of my friends not being friends with me anymore after they start dating someone” and that i’d end with “this is an issue with myself about me being aro” but if that isn’t the nature of late night feelings jams i don’t know what is....

#i dont know how to describe my feelings in any clear and accurate way #so instead i get an essay to take to my therapist i guess #personal #this is one of those things that i've thought about for a long time without ever making real progress on it because im scared to #the journey it would kick off if i accepted this of myself rather than put it off for another few months would be just.....tremendous #and exhausting probably #the true issue with uhhhhhhh examining ur orientation is that it's so deeply intertwined with identity that you can't look at one without #taking a good long look at the other as well #i've made attempts in the past to rush it and just come right out and say things to myself but that always ends up #causing a lot more harm than good #cause it just cuts out the hard part where i have to look at myself critically and ask What Am I Really?#the long part in between is.... important. painful but important #anyway it's really time to get to sleep #if you read all of this it would be cool if you liked it just so i... know? there's a weird feeling connected to this whole thing #im kind of telling this to people who i know but also to people who ive never met or interacted with in my life #if i was truly uncomfortable with that i wouldn't do it but i'd still like to know who sees it #this is kind of about people i know but if it eases anyone's mind im not anywhere near upset that my friends are in relationships #i've seen how happy it makes them and that's an unequivocally good thing #im just in need of some real introspection and im using what my fears look like at face value to be introspective #there's also someone in here who might prefer that i @mention him but frankly im not gonna cause that would guarantee he would see this #and i admitted something about my crush on him in here that uhhhhhhh i still havent told him to his face lol #i really should do that. it might give me some goddamn closure #dangit man i actually tried to keep it from being a feelings jam in the tags too but look where that got me #guess i have a lot of feelings. who would have guessed................................

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