#ive already cut off a lot of my family for being transphobic to me (and for being racist but thats beside the point)

[lightningfilledsaber]

I can and will make everything about being trans

[comerosas]

Sorry if this is outta nowhere, but in a desperate attempt to find people on here to relate to, I found a post of yours on an old, I assume abandoned, blog, about being a mexican trans guy/transmasc, and man. I felt that deeply. I'm also a mexican trans guy :) and I've been dying to find other mexican trans guys to like share these feelings like how you were talking in that post: losing your very large family bc you're trans, fearing they'd be straight up transphobic or just weird. I'm also not close with my extended family, and seldom visit mexico, but it's still a fear of mine, yknow? Being cut off because I wanna just be me. I'm not out yet to anyone, but these are the thoughts I have as part of why I'm so hesitant to transition and tell my family. But anyways yeah, I'm glad I found your post. I feel better knowing I'm not alone in those feelings. I wish you well, buddy :)

hey this ask was to be honest kind of weird to get (not in a bad way at all) because im not very active on tumblr and i purposefully avoid bringing attention to myself... but this ask also kind of means a lot to me.

i'd have to go back and find the post youre referencing cuz i dont remember how long ago i made it (was it on an older blog that links to this newer one?) but i completely understand (and have gone through) your desperation to find people like you. forgive me if this gets too rambley. i have a lot of thoughts on this.

even though trans people are everywhere online bc of the safety of being open online, it still feels extremely hard to find anything about a specific culture or not about white trans people. i kind of went crazy over it earlier in my transition. there is no advice or specific writings about how to come out to specifically latin american (MORE specifically mexican catholic) families and get them to understand you.

what happened to me was really weird and i'm not sure how common it is... i came out to my mom who is tolerant but early on said she doesnt approve. she said she would talk to my dad about it but he has never talked to me about being trans, and my parents never bring it up ever. its like a huge elephant in the room. it makes my plans of getting top surgery asap quite complicated (i came out at 23 yrs old and my mom said im too young for surgery)

online stuff related to nonwhite ftms is already quite rare, and even moreso when you look up stuff for specific groups like black, latine, asian, etc trans guys. theres a subreddit for trans men of color that i always forget the exact name of (its r/tmpoc had to look it up lol) and it is a nice read but its not as active as i wish. these frustrations of mine are compounded by the fact that although i am fluent in spanish, i'm much slower at reading it than with english so i have no ties to any online spanish speaking communities, nor do i know how to seek those communities out.

theres so much more i wish i had transition-related advice for, even for sillier smaller worries that I have. i think this is a weird time to be trans, theres a lot more visibility than people like us had in decades past, but theres still a lot of unknown territory and a lot of fear nowadays. because its hard to find stuff for your particular experience, sometimes you feel you could/should take up some kind of mantle as a spokesperson to help others like you... theres a lot of misinfo ive seen online about transition but i'm way too reclusive and private to put myself out there.

idk if youll end up reading this anon (does tumblr even notify you of anon asks being answered lol?) but either way i hope you end up finding more people like you, and i hope you can find even a little bit of community. and of course thank you for the kind words :)

[pa-tr0-clus-backup]

This is just gonna be a rant/train of thought/absolute mess cause idk what I’m doing but like yeah so as with all my personal posts if anyone sees this then please just ignore it lol sorry I’m so annoying but I just like typing things and then sending them into the void so y’know

Basically my mental health has been getting worse and worse for a while which isn’t surprising since it’s always bad but gets worse 1) when New Things are happening and 2) during winter and I just started uni this year and it’s fucking dark at 4pm now everyday. But yeah so I’ve been self-harming and having suicidal thoughts for six years now. I’ve attempted suicide once and planned/prepared to kill myself at least three times by now. It’s not great in my head honestly and it hasn’t been for many years.

I’ve tried to get help twice. The first time I was thirteen and told my parents/school/GP and... none of them did anything. They all just thought I was attention seeking and would stop on my own if they didn’t ‘indulge me’. I wasn’t diagnosed with anything or referred for therapy or meds or anything. They ignored it and surprise surprise it didn’t fucking stop. They just didn’t know about it anymore.

The second time I tried to get help I was seventeen and I referred myself to the school counsellor. They were a counsellor in training from the local college and quite frankly absolute shit. I felt worse and worse after each session and honestly felt relieved when the 6 sessions I was allotted were over.

Part of the issue is I have been struggling for so long that 1) I don’t know who I am if I’m not feeling Like This and 2) Ive had such bad experiences with trying to get help I can’t bring myself to try again. What’s got me thinking about all this again is the fact that the newest development in my shitty shitty mental health is an eating disorder. Now again, I’m not diagnosed with anything, but after months of consideration I can tentatively consider that eating 500 calories a day for months on end and feeling fat and sick after eating literally anything and refusing to drink any water for several consecutive days so I don’t gain ‘water weight’ may possibly be indicators of an eating disorder.

I still feel bad saying anything since I’m so terrified of self-diagnosing and being told I’m just attention seeking again which is why even after all this time it’s so damn hard to admit that I’m probably depressed. I can work with tangible things that I know for a fact such as that at this point I cut myself almost every day, and I can sleep for 12 hours a night and still feel exhausted in my bones, and that I hate my body so damn much that I have to shower with my eyes closed or end up clawing at my skin, and that I spend hours and hours obsessing over the thought of killing myself and planning how to do it and going as far as to stockpile pills so I could overdose, only being stopped by the fact that when I googled to see if I had enough to kill me I found out that it would’ve taken several days to actually end things so that ruled overdose out. And I live in a city so that ruled jumping off a bridge out since I’d definitely be caught. I don’t know what to do anymore.

Another part of the issue is The Trans™️Thing™️. Because yes a lot of my issues stem from my crippling dysphoria. And that’s not a thing I can change. My family is transphobic so I can’t come out. I can’t transition. I’m going to be stuck in this goddman fucking body til the day I die. And I can’t fucking cope with that. And I haven’t been coping with that for a very, very, very long time.

Therapy can’t help me. I already know the ins and outs of why I feel so shit all the time. No amount of bloody alternative thinking can change things. Which only leaves medication which my parents have expressely forbidden me to take. Any medication. Literally. Any. Yes including birth control. No they are not religious, just fucking crazy and think that any issue I have (including any colds/flu/normal illness) are just me exaggerating and will get better by themselves (reason why I had a veruca for four years even though they are very easily treatable).

And yes I’m nineteen now and don’t need parental permission for my health care but they also search through all my stuff in my room whenever I’m not there and I can’t just,, not take meds home during uni breaks since that would probably fuck me up even more. But also yeah I’m a nineteen year old guy not a thirteen year old girl anymore. Honestly I feel embarrassed that it’s gone on this long. All my high school friends got better, so why can’t I?

But yeah so why should I stay alive? What’s the fucking point? My issues are going to be with my til the day I fucking die whether that’s by my own hand or something else. This isn’t a short term issue that can be fixed this is it for me. This is my lot in life and I’m absolutely fucking sick of it. So why can’t I just die?