#ive been dying for the opportunity to get these thoughts out of my system

[lollytea]

(I loved your ask so much I promise I'll get to it soon so please have this in return)

Darius approves of Willow because she reminds him of himself when he was that age, meanwhile Hunter is so offended on Willow's behalf that Darius thinks that because he's only ever known Darius as a rude adult

Like Darius hears some Willow story and thinks about how he used to be similar as a 15-16yo, and in that embarrassing dad supportive way says something like "That means she's a catch, don't fuck it up kid"

To which Hunter is like "excuse you, WILLOW doesn't skip meetings or sass everything everyone suggests, and she likes my fashion style!"

No but I've been thinking SO HARD about the potential ways that Darius could see his younger self in Willow. Obviously they're both very ✨️❗️💪👑 but I wonder if all that is coming from a similar place.

Like Willow has all this radiant self confidence and bravado, which we know is something that she built for herself rather than something she was born with. What if Darius went through a few similar sequences in his youth that made him into the person that he is today.

What if he was a shy insecure kid at one point? What if there were others who made him feel small? He's known to have been friends with the likes of Odalia, who can't have been the most uplifting presence.

There's also the possibility that Willow's bond with Luz has a link to Darius and the friendship he apparently struck up with the likes of Eda, Raine, Perry and Lilith after the events of TTBK. With both being the driving force of their character development. They've always been very strong powerhouse witches but here are friendships that are a turning point. Luz and Eda & co. are the people who made Willow and Darius truly start to believe in themselves.

And then of course, there's both of their respective bonds with a Golden Guard, which I WILL opt to claim as a parallel. Because, at the point they met their GGs, Darius and Willow were already thriving. They were strong, tough, flashy, they were doing GREAT. But then Some Guy came along and still managed to change everything for the better. And though both of the dynamics were extremely different, (Willow's being romantic and Darius's being a mentor and mentee/possibly on the familial side) they both led these kids in the same general direction. They were doing good but these nerdy blondies helped them become the best possible version of themselves.

That's the version of them I think we're seeing in the Dana art. They're both at similar points in their lives. They have their friends, they have their grimwalker, they've got all this new stuff started and they're excited to see where it all goes. They have everything they could possibly want.

The irony here is that at this point, the worst is behind Willow. But for Darius, the worst is on the horizon.

Also, though the timelines don't perfectly parallel as Willow was only little and Darius was likely in his late teens, they both severed a tie with a Blight kid that stuck with them for years afterwards.

Though Darius's circumstances were probably WAY different than Willow's, (Darius had no problem expressing his resentment to Alador's face, while Willow didn't have the guts to say the same things to Amity) I can't help but wonder if that might have something to do with Dana's parallel. Maybe, like the Willow and Amity situation, the split between himself and Alador impacted how Darius developed.

(Although, Willow and Amity were a duo and when they broke up, it was just between the two of them. But when it came to the other situation, it's implied in Reaching Out that Alador did not just abandon Darius. He abandoned all of his friends. But Darius obviously took it the most personally.)

But as an interesting contrast, the split made Willow, who was already insecure, more vulnerable and shaky than ever. Her character development hadn't really started at this point. Meanwhile Darius had already built himself up to the level of confidence Willow possessed in ASIAS. He had grown a lot at this point. But after the falling out with Alador, he just got colder and far less tolerant for dealing with other people.

And let's not even get INTO how the death of his mentor probably turned his already hard exterior into something impenetrable.

Anyway it's interesting. Willow and Darius are both SO confident but the difference between the confidence is obvious. Willow's is so full of exuberance and warmth and encouragement and it inspires others to feel good about themselves. She's been hurt before and now she wants to make sure nobody ever feels like that again.

Meanwhile Darius's confidence has a completely different vibe. He's distant, he's dismissive, he acts superior to everyone around him. Darius is an absolute fortress. He's been hurt before and now he wants to make sure nobody can ever hurt him again.

But in spite of these differences, they're both so good, y'know? Why are these two involved in the Day of Unity in the first place? Obviously I'm not calling other characters selfish (They're absolutely not.) But their motivations definitely have an effect on why they're involved. Luz has to stop the Day of Unity because she believes its her fault. Everything Raine does has led to this because they want to protect Eda, which is a direct result of Eda and the Emperor being linked.

Willow is just a teenage girl who loves her friends. Darius is just a man who wants to keep everyone alive. They have no direct ties to what is going down but they've planted themselves into prominent roles because they believe it's what's right.

There's definitely other characters involved who do this for a similar reason. I'm just mentioning it in regards to these two cuz Darius and Willow's inherent goodness have always stood out as some of their most defining characteristics.

But God yeah it's so funny to think that Darius could clock the similarities between himself and Willow almost immediately. But no matter what angle he looks at it from, it's something Hunter would never possibly be able to understand. And it's like. Look man you just had to be there.

Like Darius recognizes it in Willow's demeanour. The way she holds herself. How she tips her head up so high so she never looks small. These defensive mannerisms that Darius could spot a mile away.

He does learn her story eventually but even before anyone told him, he saw her. Without hearing a word about how Willow got to the point, he knew she had been hurt before.

"Be kind to that girl, Hunter." He'd say after Willow kissed her boyfriend goodbye and departed. Because he knew her feelings to be just as fragile as Hunter's own.

And Hunter, having no fucking idea where THIS was coming from, is like "bitch YOU be kind to her." Because Darius called Willow a menace to society like five minutes ago.

I like to think about their silly antagonistic little relationship and how Darius seems like he's being so insensitive to Willow's feelings but it's like. He knows exactly how to cleverly quip back-and-forth without ever broaching a topic that would actually hurt her. Willow prides herself on being an annoying little shit so Darius assures her that she is just that. It makes her swell with pride. It makes her giggle delightedly. Darius plays along.

But he's been in her shoes. He knows the kind of comments that would actually make her feel small and he expertly tailors their relationship in a way that she knows she's never in danger of being seriously patronized. Not with Darius. I think he's become a lot more mindful of that kind of thing once he realizes just how shitty he used to make Hunter feel. Like he's still a bitch but a more self aware bitch. And he probably still hurts people's feelings every day of his life (some people's feelings simply do not matter. Its fine.) But never Willow's. Willow's feelings are something he understands very well.

But lmao Hunter gets SO MAD about it. Darius will be like "I hope you intend to hold on to that girl."

"I'm trying."

"Wonderul. I know exactly the kind of girl she is. One of the finest witches this Isles will ever know. Trust me on this, she's just like me when I was young."

And Hunter "That's not the Captain" Lastname is like "Don't even joke about that."

"Who's joking?"

"She is NOTHING like you and you can' just go around SAYING she is. She's sweet and cool and pretty--"

"Are you saying I'm not sweet and cool and pretty?"

"You'll never be as pretty as Willow, Darius. Let's be serious."

"I'll have you know I was the bell of Hexside when I was her age."

"You're trying to convince me you were the Willow Park of your day?"

"Hardly. Willow Park is the Me of her day."

[swimfuel]

Hey!! The X-men are literally my favorite thing and I was wondering if you could elaborate on how Scott is a knight of doom

YES OF COURSE!!!! i'll put it under a cut since i tend to ramble a bit & i'm pulling a bunch of explanations from people smarter than i am

the knight weaponizes their aspect; they have an inherent understanding of their aspect that allows them to exploit it completely. doom is the aspect of systems, restrictions/limitations, sacrifices, and endings.

one of scott's core themes is reclaiming his restrictions in order to serve others/the greater good! he takes the possible liability that are his faulty powers and shifts them to become an advantage, largely through the strength of his restraint and discipline. his role as a tactician and the way he sees sacrifices (more on that later) also mesh EXTREMELY well with the knight of doom.

i feel like the Wh*don run (specifically astonishing x-men #22-23) really highlights how scott can turn a situation on its head through exploiting his disadvantages to the point where they become tactically advantageous!! like, let's count the ways:

the ship the x-men stole from kruun is obviously bugged, so his team won't be able to communicate without being overheard. he realizes this, and uses that restriction (being overheard) as an advantage, by falsifying their course of action.

he has been left "without his powers"—he presents a restriction that lowers the guard of his adversary and grants him entry to their home base. he then subverts this by exploding the shit out of everything when an opportune moment arrives

HE LITERALLY EXPLOITS DEATH...... HE EXPLOITS HIS OWN DEATH...................FOR THE GREATER GOOD..........DUDE???? someone get this man an advil

some more thoughts, followed by some examples by people smarter than me:

he exhibits a similar pattern of idolization/realization with xavier irt karkat/HICand dave/bro.... not sure if this by itself is a knight-y thing but i think the consistent disillusionment with their role in defending their aspect is interesting (aka knight burnout, more on that later)

he is def willing to sacrifice shit for the greater good of mutantkind. the shit in question sometimes being his closest friends and allies. the examples that stick out to me are how he allowed beast to get tortured (utopia era) while executing his plan to solve All His Problems At Once & also when he sent x-force to the future to defend hope knowing it was going to be a one-way trip

that entire issue revolving around just how GOOD scott is at self-repression😭😭😭 i'm pretty sure it's post-schism utopia era i don't remember the exact issue WAIT NVM i'm pretty sure it's uncanny #518

seeing phoenix!scott as an inversion to (rogue of) life is also an interesting concept (unchecked growth!)

the amount of responsibility he feels he has to take on (partially due to his idolization cycle w xavier/xavier's dream) is also both knight-y and doom-y

and of course the instinct to protect the people around him --> being expanded into the whole of mutantkind (which, in turn, expands his sense of obligation)

everything leading up to revolutionary cyclops is also very interesting through this framework because its reminiscent of the knights & doom players in hs! the "taking on an insane burden" (phoenix force, whatever whammied mituna) -> the "resignation to the fate handed to him by his aspect" (his stint in prison, dead daves, sollux in general) -> the "refusal to accept that fate" (prison break, dave not wanting to use time travel, sollux fucking off into the dreambubbles, karkat coming to terms w his relationship w leadership) --> experiencing knight burnout at the end of revolutionary era going into death of x

im not sure exactly how to put it into words but everything about his childhood/teenhood... like being surrounded by forces seeking to control him and use him for their own ends..... idk

(from @/land-of-classpects-and-analysis, sections highlighted red are of particular interest)

HIS GIANT STINKING MARTYR COMPLEX.....DUDE😭😭

side note & ive mentioned this before but scottjean is an interesting parallel to davejade in a way i cant verbalize

Then there are the ones who may accept [the fact of inevitable human suffering], and so choose to live in high alert of any danger - any threats - as well as living in fear of what harm may befall them and/or their loved ones. It is this third and final group of people that so deeply marks that of the Knight of Doom.

Now, this might cause a few eyebrows to become quirked. After all, a Knight? Being fearful of something - nevertheless that thing being related to their Aspect? Knights do often present themselves as ruthless and fearless warriors, yes, but that is only because their Aspects and the world around them raised and called them to act as such. 

... A key factor in the Knight’s life, specifically before their journey truly begins, is that they are already well equipped with their Aspect.

... The Knight of Doom is one where their Aspect being all around them is far more bittersweet than anything else.

... What is important to acknowledge is that the facade the Knight of Doom puts up is not only to hide the fear they have for their Aspect, but it is most definitely there to hide the grief and pain they have not yet completely finished going through. Whether it’s been weeks or years, the Knight of Doom is someone who would rather hide themself away from these feelings than find a way to truly mend and heal them ... they have built a false wall between them and their suffering strong and thick enough to partially block it from their memory. 

... Knights are known to become extremely stubborn whenever people try to order them around and pressure them into doing something, and the Knight of Doom is no different - especially if they believe what they are doing is for the greater good. 

(from @/dahniwitchoflight)

Dahni’s Explanantion: “Doom can be a negative force that rejects and harms, fostering a sense of hostility or sadness. But, it is also the idea that you can pull backwards and cautiously and wisely withdraw into your own self.  It can be the idea of Control taken from the sharp Black and White Restrictions that everything in the world gets sorted into. It understands community necessity and need, responsibly pulling back and lowering you down into its lap to help wind yourself down. Doom then is an ultimate gentle Equalizer, instilling its players with an internal sense of Acceptance and eventually true Wisdom.”

Knight of Doom: One who Exploits with Doom or Exploits Doom

Knights hide a fear of a perceived fundamental failure with their Aspect behind a shield of confidence and obsessive effort. Their challenge is to learn to take it down a notch and to understand that they are skilled enough

A Knight is very skilled with using the rules and limitations of any game or session to their advantage. They skillfully fulfill any responsibility or obligation required of them with ease. They might use their natural caution and pessimism to make realistic choices and endeavors. They use and exploit any rule or limit that they can to their advantage. They might also be very good at exploiting any sacrifices made or any obligation or responsibility that they are held to. They might be very good at avoiding any unnecessary thing or person and are very good at recognizing when something is too futile to even bother with.

Likewise they might only focus on the necessary things in their game or session so they are likely to not do much unless it’s absolutely necessary. They would very likely be very meticulous with themselves about following the rules properly and constantly restrict themselves, maybe thinking they aren’t following the rules properly enough or not following the right ones. They might sacrifice anything they consider unnecessary about themselves or the way they live, sometimes even going too far with it, in order to be considered or thought of as less useless. They’re always trying harder and holding themselves to extreme self-imposed standards.

They would likely wait for the opportune moment to strike, though they are slow to move or act, they always will when something necessary needs to happen. Out of all the Doom players, a Knight of Doom seems like the one most likely to sacrifice themselves for the greater good. A Knight of Doom can also expertly use and exploit fire, bombs and explosions to their advantage, maybe they create flashy distractions during fights. They might even use decaying or dying things to their advantage.

(from @/communistvriska)

Role in the Session: Rather like the Prince of Doom, this role’s title kinda has “edgelord” written all over it, but that’s not a set-in-stone character trait. The first thing that comes to mind re: what the Knight Class and the Aspect of Doom have in common is a strong sense of obligation. The Knight of Doom is bound to take their duties and responsibilities Extremely Seriously, perhaps rather too seriously at first ... Knights also tend to be very protective of both their Aspect as a concept, and of themselves and those close to them; while the Knight of Doom isn’t likely to be outwardly aggressive, given Doom’s reserved, slow-burn tendencies, woe betide those who try to deceive or confound the Knight or their allies. One of Doom’s internal contradictions (which I find personally fascinating) is that the aspect is associated both with cynical resignation and with a profound albeit restrained sense of passion and persistence. Doom is what’s left after everything else gets burnt away.

The Knight of Doom will likely be a very skilled combatant, as the Knight is a class strongly associated with Strife / battle, and Doom is one of the more overtly destructive Aspects. I’d put them in the Top 5 Roles to use a cool flamin sword, at least. They’re not going to be eager to fight, per se, but they’re not going to have much trouble scaling the echeladder when it comes to that either. Internally, they’re likely to struggle with a perceived (but largely imagined) inability to fulfill their duties, and they could well stumble once or twice in their quest to be perceived as reliable and stoic, or as someone who their friends can lean on. They’re probably doing more than enough already, but if they’re not careful they might overexert themselves and take on too heavy a burden, and they’re liable to be crushed by their own expectation that they face their challenges alone. This is going to factor into their capital-Q Quest and the environment of their planet, and will be the biggest obstacle in their path to Ascension. A Knight’s duty is to protect their co-players, but their co-players also have to support them.

[mnemosyne-musing]

i have no fear, i have only love (11/river)

Here on ao3

This is a young River fic from Berlin through Luna to Lake Silencio.

--

Find River Song. And tell her something from me…

 That’s all very well, but just who exactly is River Song and how the hell does she find her? It’s a question that’s been haunting her since Berlin. She certainly wasn’t Mels anymore. But was she River yet? And how would she know? And then the second part of that sentence? Well, that was even more mystifying and more than a little bit terrifying, if truth be told. Would anyone really love a psychopath like her? And would she really love him back? Maybe it wasn’t really true? She wouldn’t blame him if it wasn’t, after all, he was dying at the time and now she’s free. The rest of her lives in exchange for her freedom in this one. It’s a bargain she’d make again in a heartbeat.

 She resolves to try and not dwell on it for now. After all, she’s got a whole universe to explore now.

 --

 Tell me. Why do you want to study archaeology, Ms Song?

 She eventually ends up at Luna University. She’d never been particularly fussed about the idea of going to university before but now it seems to appeal. She settles on archaeology. It seems varied and interesting but not so intensive that she can’t indulge in a few extra-curricular activities. Plus, all those months freelancing for that high-end intergalactic antique smuggling gang seemed to have really paid dividends now. She finds she can identify a priceless vase or spot a fake much easier than her classmates.

 To be perfectly honest Professor, I’m looking for a good man.

 There’s also him. It’s been several years since Berlin now. Years since she woke up in an empty hospital room with just the fading memories of a kiss that kickstarted his hearts, of a tantalising glimpse of the mysterious River Song and the life she might lead. She’s swaggered, blagged and conned her way around several corners of the universe. She’s revelled in the freedom and grasped the opportunity with both hands. She hadn’t realised quite how stifling linear life on Earth had been to her until she was offered the chance to break free.

 At first, she deliberately tries to avoid him. At any mention of him she disappears or finds an excuse to go elsewhere. She wants the chance to discover for herself just exactly who River Song might be. But now she’s here - studying ancient things, half-formed myths and living legends. It’s the perfect place to learn about a shadowy Time Lord.

 She can’t deny that she’s still incredibly curious about him. The tantalising rumours, myths and legends that have formed most of what she knows about him seem to only be half the picture. Sometimes it seems the more she reads, the more she gathers from dusty books, the further away from her he gets. Then she remembers a dying man begging her to save his friends and then herself with his final breaths.

Still, he doesn’t appear in person. A couple of times however she thinks she sees him. She’ll catch a flash of tweed or a glimpse of a bowtie in a crowd but when she looks properly, he’s not there. The years pass. She completes her undergraduate degree a year early – it would have been quicker but she spends a large part of her second year competing in, and winning, an intergalactic poker tournament.

 She discovers she actually loves archaeology. What had begun as a slightly whimsical choice accompanied by a glib comment to her professor has turned into genuine interest.

 She tells herself she won’t waste her years here pining for him. She won’t drive herself mad with self-pity and longing. She’ll learn what she can. She’ll discover everything there is to know about this man she gave up her lives for. And if that’s the end of their story, if she never sees him again, then so be it.

 And it works. Most of the time. She’s happy and satisfied in a way she never was, never could be, as Mels. She’s doing something entirely for herself, for once, and it is wonderful. She thrives.

 He still doesn’t appear. On dark days she tells herself that time can be rewritten. That those words he whispered to her as he lay dying have somehow become undone. That they won’t happen.

 Or, worse, it was simply Rule One.

 --

 As luck would have it, when he eventually shows up, she’s having a terrible day. The archaeology department have rejected one of her research proposals and a blip in the biosphere security systems has led to a constant stream of noxious fumes into most of the university buildings.

 She’s decided to cheer herself up by going out for the evening with one of the professors from the art history department. He’s young and a bit dashing for a professor, intelligent and just the right side of arrogant to be charming. He’s also been asking her out for weeks now and tonight she just couldn’t think of a good enough excuse not to say yes. She’s not looking for anything serious right now but a good-looking distraction is never a bad thing.

 She’s applying the final touch to her lipstick when there’s an ostentatious, almost-ceremonial knocking on her door. She rolls her eyes slightly, grabs her bag and does a final check in the mirror before she opens the door.

 She’s just about to say something witty and mildly salacious about his grand entrance when she stops dead. Standing in her doorway is not the handsome art history professor but the Doctor. The mysterious, legendary, enigmatic last of the Time Lords who left her years ago in a hospital on the other side of the universe is standing on her doorstep beaming at her and wearing what looks like a… a poncho?

 “River!” he exclaims as she stares at him in disbelief, “What?” He frowns as she continues to gape at him, “Have I got something on my face?” He swipes his hand hastily across his cheek, “I’ve just been for cream tea with Virginia Woolf. Always a messy meal.”

 “No- I-“ she finds her voice eventually as he continues to frown at her, “I- what are you doing here?”

 “I’m picking you up!”

 “Why?” she demands, now glaring at him with her hands on her hips

 “Why?!” he repeats, frowning in bemusement at she keeps staring at him, “I told you last time! We’re going to see that meteor display near Sirius IV! The one with all the… ohh have I got the timing off?” his face falls as he anxiously checks his watch.

 “I-, I-  no I can’t go to Sirius IV,” she stutters, watching as his face falls further in disappointment, “I have a date.”

 “A date? Oh, am I crossing wires with myself again!?” his face lights up again at the thought.

 River stares at him for a long moment before she steps forward slightly into his personal space and raises a finger to point at him. “Eight years Doctor,” she manages to grind out from between gritted teeth. She punctuates each of her words with a slight jab into his chest that makes him rock back on his heels. “It’s been. Eight. Long. Years.”

 “Eight years?” he looks at her in confusion, “What do you mean? I thought I just saw you- oh- oh-” he trails off as comprehension dawns, “You haven’t seen me since- since Berlin?” he checks nervously as River shakes her head, “Ah. Well, that explains the-  the- ” he trails off again, gesticulating nervously as River glares at him, “Never mind! Hang on- if you haven’t seen me since Berlin, then who are you going on a date with?!”

 Before she is able to reply however, the subject of their conversation suddenly appears from the nearby stairwell.

 “Him?! The Doctor exclaims in outrage as River manages a somewhat flustered smile at the arriving professor, “You can’t be going on a date with him!”

 “And why not?” River visibly bristles as she glares back at him.

 “Because he- oh- wait that’s probably- Ha- spoilers!” the Doctor’s scoffing suddenly turns to glee as he rocks back on his heels and bites his bottom lip in amusement.

 “I’m sorry, have I missed something?” Handsome Art History Professor looks between River and the Doctor in confusion.

 “No, nothing,” River pulls her door shut and steps determinedly past the Doctor, taking the professor’s arm and flashes him a brilliant smile as she takes his arm and pulls him towards the stairway, leaving the Doctor still standing on her doorstep. “We’re leaving.”

 As he turns round to watch her retreating form, he shakes his head fondly before he shoves his hands in his pockets and heads back to the TARDIS.

  --

 She dates Handsome Professor for two months and then realises he’s been stealing some of her ideas and passing off them as his own in his lectures and papers. She gets him all hot and bothered in his office one day, leaves him naked and handcuffed to his desk and then reports him to the faculty for plagiarism. He leaves Luna soon after that.

 Keep reading on ao3

 --

[sahbibabe]

Ignoring The Obvious

Soulmate AU

Sephiroth/Fem! Reader

Part Eleven

Your hospital stay is short. Your training commences. Reno has serious problems with being... well, helpful. Or encouraging. Especially with a giant Shinra dog chasing you through vents.

THE BED WAS HARD, YOUR knees were killing you, your abdomen was on fire, and the nurse was steadily refusing to give you morphine no matter how much you begged. You had spent the better part of two days as high as a kite, blissfully unaware of the train wreck of memories about to hit you the moment you were weaned off of your medication. The file─your unfiltered, raw test subject notes and classifications─sat innocently on the nightstand as if it was completely separate from the emotional turmoil you were facing.

       It would be easy, so easy to slip into the mercenary's mindset and ignore the pain. To shove the emotions aside and bury them so deep you didn't even have to acknowledge their existence. All you had to do was will them away, and they would be gone. But that was unhealthy and the moment you did that, all of your progress would be ruined forever and you would start from scratch once more.

      But did it really matter? You asked yourself the same question over and over again as you watched the Chocobo documentary on the one-channel television network. You would be going back to that life anyways, with that same mindset and habits, without anyone to stop you from doing otherwise. You would be killing people for Rufus Shinra in the name of eliminating competition; a petty game was what it all came down to.

        And you were the knight who guarded the King.

       You looked away from the television to your food. It was plain hospital food, rich in protein to help you replace all of the blood you had supposedly lost while you fought the doctor tooth and nail when he tried to get a needle in your arm for an IV. Reno had laughed when he told you about the resident's injuries, but it only made you feel sick to your stomach when the nurses had to strap you down like a wild animal.

      Other than Reno, your only other visitor was Rude, and he had been thoughtful enough to bring you a bouquet of real flowers. He wouldn't say where he had gotten them from when you asked, just sat in silence, so you asked him instead how Hojo was doing with that stab wound, as smug as you might have sounded.

       "You didn't stab Hojo," Rude told you bluntly, a slight hint of confusion in his voice. Your smugness was wiped from your face. "You stabbed an assistant doctor who had come in to check your new vitals."

        "No," you had whispered,"no, that… That was Hojo. I remember it like it happened seconds ago…"

       "It doesn't matter. The doctor has been treated and compensated out of your salary. You'll be fifty thousand gil short."

     And that had been the end of that.

     Now, you picked at the cheap, plasticky roast beef on your plate and pushed your asparagus around in circles. You weren't getting anywhere without the alarms sounding on your bed, so you were effectively a prisoner until they turned them off. Add that to the iron they were slowly feeding into your IV and you felt like a rabbit confined in a small cage, pacing a few steps at a time.

       Out of the corner of your eye, sitting right beside the file you were desperately trying to avoid reading, sat the Book of Colors: a book that translated all of the different colors soulmates might see, their specific combinations, and surprisingly, origins.

       The strings felt snug against your fingers as you weighed your options, kneading your fingers into your palm. There was a lot you could learn about the authenticity of soulmate bonds through that book. People followed it like gospel, spoke of it as something holy. You had never had a reason to read it until now, or the money to, but now you had prime opportunity and the eyesight to help you do it.

      You picked up the book and pushed your lunch tray away from the bed.

       It was a hefty leather thing, dyed black and sewn with gold thread to display the title: The Book of Colors. One could easily take it for a children's book, but it was so much more than that. A quick glance at the spine showed it was the newest edition.

       The first page you opened it to described the various types of soulmate bonds, everywhere from bonds to the literal soul to telepathic communication. It depended heavily on the people bound to determine what kind of bonds they got. Cynical, unfair people walked around without color vision until they met their soulmate; quiet, shy people got telepathy; and people like you, a mercenary gone civilian, got strings.

       "Strings guide the lost home," you mumbled, tracing your finger over the plain description beneath the header,"and return hearts to where they belong."

       One of the authors theorized heavily that strings meant involvement with the lifestream personally, or some kind of way to identify past soulmates with one another.

       "It's a very unique thing, the strings," the author wrote,"just like anyone else's, but this means that the two souls have already connected before in the past. Eons or two hundred years ago, who can say?"

      You skimmed over the rest and flipped over to the colors, the part you had been dreading and also curiously dying to read. There were sections to different soulmate types, some colors meaning different things, so you found your section and settled down in your springy hospital bed.

       "Identify the weave of your strings," the book told you. It offered a small chart of different weave types. "You may have two types or you may have four. Find yours and look at the pairing chart to determine the intent of your bond."

       That was easy enough. You shook the threads out and looked closely at their weave; there was a single double braid, what looked like a dutch braid, and an elaborately woven pattern that repeated halfway through the string on each one.

       "The double braid signifies a union between two people," you read, following the lines with your finger. "If there is a child born from that union, two becomes three on this specific line."

        You didn't have a third thread, like you expected, so you moved on.

      "The dutch braid signifies a match with power and darkness. Don't worry yourself, though! Darkness can be equated to many things, such as self conflict, a trouble within the body, or even a mental disconnection from stress."

      Sephiroth didn't seem to be mentally disconnected, but you didn't even know him that well. You messed with the threads for a few moments, stuck on that phrasing, before finding the last section where the more elaborate braids were.

       "This gorgeous flower patterned weave means that you have reunited with your soulmate several times in various past lives. Much like additional colors to the vision discussed in the previous soulmate identification, the different petals on it connote just how many times you have been with your soulmate in past lives. Count them! How many do you have?"

         You raised an eyebrow and counted the individual petals. One, two, three, four, five, six, and… just burgeoning on the final petal, weaving itself before your eyes, was seven.

         But there wasn't a number for that─there wasn't even a color combination or weave combination for the mess around your hand. You checked several times, but to no avail; no one had ever had gold, purple, and green and black threads.

       You slammed the book shut and tossed it back on the nightstand just as the door handle turned and popped open. Reno sauntered past the threshold and made himself at home in the guest chair, eating popcorn and humming an odd tune.

       "So, how's the chocobo documentary doing?" His eyes sparkled with mirth. "Making you bored yet?"

       "Sure. If you count restlessness as bored." You crossed your arms and fixed him with a hard stare. "When can I get out and do my job?"

        "In an hour." Reno threw a handful of popcorn in his mouth dismissively. "Doc says you're cleared to start training and work off that excessive energy you have."

        "Good." You ripped your blankets back and hopped out of the bed. The floor was still cold beneath the cheap socks the hospital had given you. The world swam around you for a moment and you steadied yourself against the nightstand. "Good. That means I didn't pass the exam?"

        Reno shrugged. "You never finished it. Tseng pulled some strings. As long as you pass training you should be fine."

       "Why do you sound like you doubt me?"

       "You'll find out in… oh, about an hour."

      And oh, find out you did.

      "Reno, I'm going to murder you for this."

       Sweat traced rivers down your face as you shimmied your way through the ventilation system of the training barracks, a guard dog snapping at your heels. He didn't answer over the comms system, but you knew he had to be laughing at you somehow.

       "Shit," you yelped, feeling the dog's teeth sink down into your shoe. You kicked back on reflex and it cried out, releasing you instantly. You moved a little faster, relieved at the sight of a vent, and slammed your elbow down on the grate. It didn't budge and there was a very pissed off hound breathing down your neck. "Oh, fuck me."

       "Keep on moving, [Name]!" Reno chortled. You scowled and got on your knees, moving as fast as you could given the cramped space. "Three minutes left!"

        "You and your three minutes can go to hell!"

       "Yeah, but then who would sic hounds on you then? You'd fail your training no problem."

      "Reno," you growled, shoving your fingers into another grate just ahead and pushing down hard. It swung open. The dog got closer. "I'm going to kick your ass."

       "Get out of the vents and then we can talk!"

        You dropped neatly onto a bench, the leatherwork groaning beneath your feet. You hopped off and opened the door right as the dog dropped out behind you, hightailing it down the hall at full speed.

        "Gotta take out the dog, too, [Name]!" Reno reminded you.

        Feet skidding into the marble floor, you whirled around, cursing Reno for his snarky reminders and tackled the dog head on. It flailed as you wrapped your arms around its neck and cut off its breathing, barely keeping purchase by pinning your knees to the over muscled thighs. It growled and tried to bite you, the struggle slowing second by second, until it flopped down on the floor, tongue hanging.

         Unconcious, but not dead.

      You reclined back on your haunches with a sigh, wiping sweat from your forehead, and when you opened your eyes, you found the full brunt of Reeve Tuesti's gaze staring you down.

       Your hand dropped from your forehead. Not even your labored breathing helped you forget that you had somehow ended up in a completely different building than Reno had told you to go to.

       "Damnit."

[osmw1]

Crowbar Nurse   Chapter 1 — Prologue: Travelling Between Worlds Because of my Phone is Normal, Right?

I am a nameless rookie nurse.

My hobby is clearing my mind with video games. In particular, mindless zombie shooters and dating sims that I can enjoy while yapping off with friends are my favorite genres.

… well, it’d be more accurate to say “was”. I ended up being employed by an awful hospital, even though I was super careful with my applications. But because of that, I don’t have any spare time to play my games. I was way above the legal overtime limit but yet, here I was working for free.

Let me go home already… I can’t think straight anymore…

I was tapping away at an outdated computer in the nurses’ station and doing today’s documentation.

The location is Shinjuku. The time, wee hours. A hellhole of a hospital ward with a window to the night outside. The nurses of this ward start their day way too early and end their nights dizzyingly late. Even when neglecting my hunger and hygiene, I can get only four, five hours of precious sleep a day. Such are my circumstances when working hours are this long.

I haven’t really done anything at all lately. I don’t have the time to game or hang out with my friends… the only thing I’ve done other than work is scrolling on my phone…

I silently sighed inside.

Society thinks us nurses to be huge flirts, headstrong, and highly paid. I’m sure there are some out there who are like that. … not me though. I’d say I’m the complete opposite of that.

When I was a teenager, I played games all day and cared too little about looking pretty, leading me straight down the path of being a loner. By the time I did care, I was a university student busy with studying and practicum. Outside of school, my girlfriends and I would be in stupidly high heels and partying like there was no tomorrow.

Though I like talking with people, I was always too timid for my own good. Not only did my seniors always yell at me, I also have literally zero experience in relationships. … I suppose faking it and going to clubs did get me attention from shallow guys, but the thing is that I have never been popular with the opposite sex. That’s why I can’t stand people who are blessed with confidence.

… I’m completely twisted. I know. I’ll probably end up in my thirties with everybody saying that my standards are too unrealistic and no one interested in me…

I sighed out loud this time. And as for the highly paid part? That’s probably not true for me as well. My take home pay is a little over 180,000 with more than 100 hours of unpaid overtime. Still, in this “Land of the Setting Sun”, that’s probably considered well-paid.

There are all sorts of nurses, y’know?

I’m neither well-paid nor well-versed in relationships. I’m just a sham who loves her zombies. I had once prided myself on my love for nursing, but the soul-sucking work as of late led to the flames of my passion burning out. I’m simply a lifeless drone.

Ughhh, I need to let loose and wipe out some zombies… I can’t stand working anymore…

Shoving those memories aside, I begrudgingly returned to recordkeeping. Now, let me describe what a day for a newbie nurse with no time for fun or zombies is like. After five hours of sleep, I wake up and head to my ward. I look up the details of the patients I’m in charge of on the piece of crap computer. Once that’s done, I make sure all the medicine and IV drips are good to go. After handing off things to the night shift, I begin making my rounds. There’s not even a moment spare to get water or go to the washroom. Even when working such a long shift, I say goodbye to lunch breaks if it gets busy. It doesn’t matter your level of seniority, you effectively get only five minutes. If it’s bad, it’s closer to 30 seconds… I fly into the break room, stuff my face with food, and eat it while walking back to the desk. Then, I get back to logging or preparing for the midday debriefing. I’m sure… I’m sure other places are like this too. In every hospital is a ward this depressing.

… oof. Crap. Nearly fell asleep there.

That moment of microsleep was most definitely because of sleep deprivation. The steady chime of the patient monitoring system and the clattering of keyboards from other nurses working overtime fill the room. I glanced at the watch I had stuffed in my pocket—12:30, later than usual.

It’s past midnight already, eh? Still, even when everybody lives around here, Shinjuku at night is still a little dangerous.

Even then, none of us dayshift nurses have gone home yet. That’s just how things work here. I casually looked up from my PC.

Colorful neon signs and lit offices contribute to the dazzling lights in the nightscape. It shone through the window across the hallway from the nurses’ station. Low-intensity aircraft warning lights dotted countless skyscrapers. The red lights on top of the buildings were like a constellation twinkling together. Its beauty never fails to take me out of reality.

 … though I may be sleepy, even at this hour, the streets were not. The lights revealed everybody who was still awake.

Until I started working, I never knew the nights of Shinjuku were created and supported by people like me—the slaves to society.

 People are used and discarded every day to maintain this beautiful dazzling world.

… and just as that thought floated across my mind, my view of the night sky worrisomely fluttered for a moment.

 Hmm…? That’s weird.

I couldn’t tell whether my vision was blurry or that my head wasn’t functioning properly. Though what was very clear was that I was far too tired. Then, I got lightheaded for a split second. As soon as it passed and I breathed a sigh of relief, I clutched my chest in pain.

 I’m going to die… oh yeah, I’m totally dying.

As my heart stabbed with every pulse, I took a deep breath only to find my head spinning again.

… frankly, I’m not doing so well.

This has been a frequent occurrence lately. I hold back the wave of nausea as I struggle to form sentences in my head… then suddenly, the exhausted head nurse rushed over to me in a panic.

“—the management is coming around! Hurry, hide yourself in the linen room!”

Once I realized the head nurse was shouting at me in a quiet voice, she stood me up by my shoulders. And before I knew it, she shoved me into the linen room at the far end of the nurses’ station and slammed the door shut.

… ah, not this again…

I subconsciously sighed. This happens every day in our ward. Basically, it’s to conceal the fact that us newcomers are forced to work overtime. If the head honchos of the nursing department find out, they would chew out the head nurse.

The directive of this sweatshop of a hospital is supposedly to eliminate overtime and, officially, newcomers aren’t forced to do so. That’s why when the head of the department swings by, us newcomers get spirited away.

That’s fine and all, but… damn it. The computers automatically logout after 10 minutes of inactivity, so there goes all my unsaved data…

Looks like I’ll have to redo everything, which means I’m stuck here until at least 1:00. I squatted down and subconsciously sighed again. Guess I don’t have much of a choice but to sleep until they come get me. As I shut my eyes close in exhaustion, I felt a strange vibration coming from my pocket.

 … huh? A notification? I thought I turned off my phone…

I doubted myself as I reached into my pocket. When I took a look at my phone, the screen was pitch black but oddly enough, some text was showing.

… hmm, what’s that? Is that English?

The excessive number of symbols made me question whether it was really English or not. It may have been pitch black, but it was just bright enough that I could tell the screen was on. That and the green text showing clued me in on that.

… what’s all this about? Did some super hacker breach my phone? Wait, are there people who hack smartphones in the first place?

I looked down at the screen in confusion… hmm? What? Hold on… The green text scrolled past at a blistering pace. The line practically disappears as soon I tried to read it!

 “… what?!”

I was fully awake when I reflexively cried out loud but was still too late to cover my mouth shut. The directors should have still been out there on their patrol. I hope they didn’t hear me.

Whaaaaaaat. Huh?! Augh! What’s going on?!

A scene of pure sci-fi unfolded in front of my very eyes. Talk about a complete one-eighty from my depressing daily life.

No, seriously, am I being hacked? Is this what it’s like? This looks more like magic to me though!

Unfortunately, a Neanderthal who can’t even do basic addition on Excel like me had no idea what was happening. I don’t get it… but I knew that this wasn’t supposed to happen.

sudo…? apt-get install? Hey, hey, hey, hey! Don’t go installing anything weird on my phone without my permission! It’s now asking for a password… and it’s being filled in!

My eyes went wide as ••••• popped up in the password field.

But… I didn’t even do anything…

I was speechless. Then, while my jaw was still on the floor, the door violently swung open… as someone came barelling through.

■Protagonist

The protagonist is a super overworked rookie nurse who was on the verge of dying. Once you get her on the topic of zombie games, she'll yap on for even longer than the intro to The Final Countdown—though it's not an opportune moment right now.

contents: /ch001/ /next/

(leave me a tip on Patreon?)

[lightshielded]

jarvan iv’s new lore / the good, the bad and the oh?

i just wanted to make a more official post on the changes or expansions in his new bio and my own opinions on them and why i think they’re good or bad or if they’re confusing. i will be posting a like thing to the forums in hopes of getting some answers from riot.

THE GOOD !

JARVAN III ! riot has added further information about jarvan the third, the current king of demacia. it’s really nice to actually have some official information on the man who rules the entirety of demacia rather than having to infer things from a mix of slight mentions in character bios and old lore. we know he is a smart ruler, one with a strong political mind allowing him to prevent infighting between political houses. we now know him to a loving, if a bit absent father, and a devoted husband and is truly trying to do right by his son. man even seemed unfazed by his son bringing home a half dragon when the entire demacian court was questioning the wisdom of letting the prince have a dragon on his personal guard. i don’t know man, they’ve made jarvan iii chill and i like him.

XIN ZHAO EXISTS ! this is more existence xin has seen in years and look i know it’s a brief ass mention in jarvan’s lore on how y’know he is actually doing his job of the seneschal of demacia and the lightshield family’s steward and just looking after a young jarvan but damn. yes. give xin lore and give jarvan the personal relationships which should have been established before and did exist back in the old - old lore.

EXTRA DETAILS ! i do like the small extra details given to events in this new biography. for instance, before he warred in the areas to the south, now we know the true names of these areas and where he fought and that these were also the same lands jarvan i lost his head to sion fighting in. we know a little more about his childhood and his education and why things were the way they were. just nice little details which gives his early bits of lore some interesting bits and bobs.

THIS LINE ! ‘ and the king beginning to feel the weight of his years, the prince must ensure he is prepared to one day inherit the throne, and be crowned King Jarvan IV of Demacia. ’ this line right here. this makes me feel things, that is all. just damn, king jarvan iv of demacia. now ain’t that a mood.

THE BAD !

LADY CATHERINE ! now, jarvan’s mother was only once mentioned back in the journals of justice and i honestly thought riot had forgotten about her. yet, i still joked with the release of sylas that they do not touch her. and, you know what, they really shouldn’t have. i am happy she got mention but i hate that she was revived into lore purely for the trope of killing off female characters as some kind of poor excuse for development and angst in male character’s lives. like yes, demacia is low technology and anti - magic so childbirth is probably a dangerous thing which results in a great many more deaths than in the modern day, but it was wholly unnecessary for jarvan’s older lore did not require it so it was a detail cheaply used and unwarranted. 

NO CAPTURE ! jarvan’s narrative across all lores from the oldest to the one just prior to now have included him spending time in noxian custody due to a mistake on his part and him feeling the need for self - improvement and redemption. this has been his hallmark for many years and provided strong reason for character development by curbing his pride and his rash behaviour, showing his strong empathy for his fellow man and how that is both boon as well as cause cause him to make blind errors. each of these lores has provided us with a sheltered character pulled into a world far more gritty than he was living in, struggling, failing but rebuilding himself into a stronger person. yet here, jarvan barely fails. his ‘ downfall ’ moment is simply that his battalion gets splintered off after scores of victories which spread them too thin. that’s right, he won too much, got cocky and kept pressing forward. while it mentions he was troubled by what he saw there was no blind dash ignoring of orders cause he couldn’t let the murderers of his people walk free. nah, now it’s more an ego complex following a pledge to bring stability to the region and possibly regrouping when you hear the gates of mourning fell is not on the agenda when doing that. so instead, he is splintered off and he and some survivors wouldn’t surrender and escaped into the forests where they were hunted down and jarvan finally took an arrow to the knee side. here it catches up with the older lore and he lies dying in a fallen tree till our dragon friend comes to save him after mistaking him for food ( i hope they don’t remove that line from her lore when it gets updated i love it ). not to mention it removes his torture by noxus and i have no idea how swain’s line works anymore or how sion even exists.

NO VILLAGE ! so jarvan gets saved and brought to castle wrenwall which is where he combated yvva in older lore and not the small demacian village. this further changes jarvan’s narrative as they know who he is. the garrison commander instantly knows jarvan is the prince and thanks shyvana for saving her. her being a part of demacia no longer becomes because they saw her saving some random demacian and helping him and so having demacian like values and so inviting her to stay because she is a good person. it instead becomes well you saved the prince we are indebted to you. it also loses the charm of shyvana helping out in a village and the prince having to learn to live as a normal person since he is pretending to be so. it also squishes the timeline some but i’ll cover that in the next bit . . .

JARVAN’S SELFISH ! jarvan’s motivation to help shyvana is completely changed. i doubt this was intentional but the wording is very off. before: shyvana tries to leave because she knows the dragon attacks that have started happening are her fault. jarvan stops her, learns of her past and then pledges to help her because she is his friend and he owes his life to her. his own doesn’t matter, he will help her or die trying. now: the very recount heavy style of the rewriting of this new lore implies he sees yvva coming in the distance and he sees her as an opportunity to redeem himself, not help shyvana. in fact, in this new lore they barely interact. jarvan has no reason to care for her since he is still injured when yvva appears so they haven’t spent long together. like when i said the timeline is squashed i mean from several months down to maybe a couple weeks. there is no need for this reduction and all it does is hurt jarvan and shyvana’s friendship and turn jarvan into someone who cares more for his ego than his friend. what happened to learning about charity, huh?

GAREN BARELY EXISTS ! do i need to say more, jarvan’s old lore told much of their friendship and how garen’s efforts saved him but thats now deleted from the timeline and all jarvan is left with is a mention that they were friends, an almost copy paste from garen’s older lore which mentions he admires his fortitude and that now he is shield - captain so jarvan needs to shape up. it just doesn’t feel connected or personal. how am i meant to see that two people are friends if all you say is, yeah, they’re friends. how about some show not tell?

TOO MANY OTHER PEOPLE / REALLY RUSHED ! now i’m sure you’ll be surprised since i said i was happy to see stuff on jarvan iii and xin ( cause i am ) the issue is the writers are working under a kind of word limit system so while i love reading about other champions and characters, devoting several paragraphs of jarvan’s limited amount to other characters and info which is interesting but doesn’t push his story too much feels a little cheap. this rushed pace they then had to write with acts to flatten his character. things that were written once in beautiful detail are now reduced to recounted fact that lack the emotion of what the previous did. ie: CURRENT: ‘ He was devastated. He had failed his family, his kingdom, and his brothers-in-arms. ’ OLDER: ‘ As Jarvan was dragged further from Demacia during his weeks of captivity, he was ashamed that the rashness of his decision to pursue the Noxians had led to needless Demacian deaths. Crushed by the loss, he came to believe he no longer deserved to live in Demacia, let alone inherit its throne. ‘ even just this little bit on his emotions post failure. before it goes into how he stews in his grief for weeks. his shame. his loss. he no longer feels like he can be called demacian. now he is just devastated because he failed.

THE OH ?

JARVAN’S STANCE ON MAGIC IS KNOWN ? people know shyvana is a dragon now. all the nobles in attendance know. jarvan’s father knows. his friend who hates mages probably knows. literally anyone who can hear court or military gossip knows. how is this man left to do his shit when everyone knows that jarvan has a dragon on his personal guard ? this is the prince of a magic fearing nation, a nation who has in recent times made their laws significantly stricter. HOW IS HE JUST AROUND? DOES LUX KNOW THIS? DOES SYLAS KNOW ANY OF THIS? HOW IS SHYVANA NOT LOCKED UP WITH THE NEW STRICTER LAWS ??????????

IS THE KING / QUEEN STILL ELECTED ? a big part of jarvan’s character previously was that he had to toe around his nation’s views because his actions could easily be seen as treasonous or wrong and prevent him from being elected king when his father relinquishes the throne. but now it just mentions he is the heir and he is to inherit it, which it was mentioned in the other lore that he would inherit it ( or rather it was mentioned he didn’t feel like he could since it was mentioned when he was depressed ) so i don’t know if they have scrapped this part of demacian lore or if it just wasn’t mentioned. i have no idea.

[braindamageforbeginners]

Q: Can I pray for you?

Yes, Godsdammit, go ahead and pray for me. I get that people don’t want to be weird, and, for some inexplicable internet reason, I’m rapidly becoming some weird brain cancer idol/shrine on Facebook and Instagram (which would explain the creepy robo-prayer calls I occasionally get from :prayer centers” (I’m also old enough to remember when “prayer centers” were called “churches” and/or “temples”). So, here’s the deal: even though I consider myself resourceful, lucky (in a weird way), and cunning, there is literally no way I would know whether you’re praying for me unless you specifically ask or tell me. I appreciate consent, but, really, just go ahead and pray. Unless God is like a special delivery by UPS, and I have to be home at a certain hour to take delivery (again, theologically, that would explain an awful lot). My apologies for running roughshod over a good-hearted request and all that, but your own Holy Book* actually has something applicable: “ And when thou prayest, thou shalt not be as the hypocrites. are: for they love to pray standing in the synagogues and. in the corners of the streets, that they may be seen of men “ One almost feels a screenwriting possibility...

 EXT. GOLGOTHA - DAY - In the background, the followers of Brian are singing an unorthodox but merry song. A crowd gathers around one of the crosses. CHRIST: Why hast thou forsaken me?! CHRISTIAN 1: We haven’t forsaken you, dude. We’re just waiting for the “Kickstarter”pledges to reach the stretch goals before we save you. You okay, Jesus? CHRIST: Oh, rather.** I was wondering, if it wouldn’t be too much to ask for some pliers and a step-stool. CHRISTIAN 1: Yes, since they haven’t been invented, yet. But you seem like you got this. CHRIST: Hang on... CHRISTIAN: See you in three days, dude

I mean, I get that the LDS got into trouble for baptizing Anne Frank, and I’m not advocating that anyone do a post-mortem baptism, unless they can rig me up like “Weekend at Bernie’s,” but, at the same time, Anne probably has bigger, more pressing issues than what is or isn’t being done in her name (especially since we’re still hostile, as a nation, toward refugees and immigrants, which is what the Frank family hoped to be... before the US denied them travel visas). i can only base that on my own experience, but I feel it’d be faster and easier to get forgiveness than permission. I could be wrong, but I’ve never heard of anyone in dire straits getting angry, post-facto, at being prayed for.

So, today marks the second-to-last infusion before, in an ideal world, the Warlocks cut me loose for observation. Again, it’s been an utterly miserable year, but, at the same time, I do feel almost as if I’ll be adrift. When you put every last scrap of energy and potential into a task like this (not dying a horrible death), suddenly having time or energy to do things like carve out a career (or at least make some sort of money on this blog)(again, you guys are only getting a thin dribble of output; there was literally a brief time in my life where had three modes: writing, sleeping, and library).. At the same time, not aggressively and preemptively treating a cancer that is infamous for coming back, is somewhat scary, although I know unending chemo will eventually kill me.

Which brings me to today’s topic, body horror. This is the broad trope/genre of biology horror, usually best-seen in David Croenenberg’s films. It’s not an uncommon sensation for cancer patients to have some distal clump of cells come alive and attack. For most patients, however, that story usually ends with, “And then me arse fell off, and the doctors knew what it was!”(Reminder to self: schedule colonoscopy and/or other recommended preventive/screening procedures, ASAP). For neurosurgery patients - those lucky enough to end the story with, “And then I had neurosurgery,” It’s a slightly different story. For the first few months post-surgery, your sutures hurt like hell - like any major surgery would, I’d imagine. Then comes the longer phase, when they have an odd, itching/stinging sensation. For everyone keeping track, that’s not a continuous sensation - it’ll be maybe a minute or two out of every week, and, when you reach up to scratch, the pain receptors in your scalp will slap you away. After that, you enter the body horror part of neurosurgery, the itchy phase. This is the shortest of the three, and I will admit, horrifying dander is one of the less-offputting aspects of it (you don’t know what relief is until you scratch out self-dissolving stitches). I apologize for that graphic description, but it’s important. So, on November 1 of last year - er, 2017 - I had my most recent neurosurgery (that’s #3, for those keeping track at home). And then, as expected (There’s a reason I started the blog well before any treatment), everything in my life went into hyperdrive, and I didn’t have time to keep track of my new scars (and, really, once handfuls of hair start coming out in the shower, you’re disinclined to investigate further). So, it wasn’t until very, very recently that I realized how very itchy the right side of my head is. Which bodes well for the time frame of entering the recovery period shortly.

I mentioned in a previous post that I never got a PICC or CVS - which are semi-permanent venous access devices - because I had a shunt in my skull last year (2017), and one opening for opportunistic infections every election cycle seems a more-than-generous opportunity. In a year of chemo, that’s generally seemed like the better bet (for me, anyway), even though I have a blood draw every week. Today was the one time I’ve faltered in that decision. I have mentioned that I am notoriously hard to install in IV in  - it’s a horrible feeling when you’re on a first-name basis with all the nurses in the chemo ward; it’s dwarfed when not only can you recognise everyone, but the nurse at your station not only recognizes you, she literally ducks out on-sight and calls Alex over)(the nurse on shift today gets full marks for listening to me  complain about Alex - “He’s not terribly affable or gentle, and way too fast” - and retorting, “Well, that’s men.”). My previous find-a-vein record is seven. I don’t know if that record was achieved today, I stopped counting after four  However, eventually an IV was installed and Keith Richards’ essence distilled into my circulatory system. Then, the second hour, we all waited for my heart to explode (yes, that is exactly what they do, although they have an automated blood pressure cuff to aid their measurements). Then, oddly enough, I encountered a friend from a support group, Which wouldn’t normally be worthy of comment, except she’s a fan (hey, Sarah!), and, based the latest data, the folks who actually use social media and/or social publishing to keep tabs on me/read my stuff are: 1. Close friends and family that are legally obligated to do so

2. Distant friends and family that I probably haven’t thought about in years (hey guys)(if you’re worried that you’re “distant friends and family,” I’ll pray for you)

3. Inhabitants of Narnia or the Hundred-Acre Wood (or wherever people on the Internet live

4. Racing in or out of parking lots as I am leaving

The bad news for today - hopefully - is that this infusion is going to be a bad one, based on how sore I already am, just 3 hours post-infusion. The good news is, I’ve got an Advent Calendar of assorted mostly-legal substances to help my battered psyche onward, I mean, drugs are bad, kids, unless directly monitored and prescribed by a physician.*** Anyway, next week will be the last infusion, hopefully, and, even more hopefully it’ll be followed by a long, uneventful life. That would be ideal, for me; however, since my life is run on the principle of, “What would make the most interesting narrative” I’m going with, “Even odds I’ll come down with Ebola before Monday.”

*My Holy Book is, of course,  Dolly Parton’s autobiography. **In this adaptation, Jesus is played by Hugh Laurie, circa 1993 ***Odd final thought of the day: gateway drugs are real, and they serve as the way out of some amazingly awful other drugs.

[grandduchessguzel]

Yuliya & Osman, Pt. 4

This morning I got an opportunity to speak with Viktor.  He kept staring at me, trying to hide his feelings.  I tried not to pry, but the look was so constant that I had to speak up. Viktor seemed surprised and ashamed that I could read his thoughts.  I told him there was nothing to be ashamed of, that it was natural to find someone attractive.

 He was resistant at first, but eventually opened up.  I let him know we were in the middle of an important mission, but that I would not mind going to dinner with him after this was all over.  Unfortunately, this gave him the wrong idea, but he seemed so motivated, I figured it could not hurt to keep him in this state for the remainder of the mission.

 Later, he wanted to know about Novi Cheboksary and the Chuvash People’s Republic.  I had a hard time describing my home, since modern humans have absolutely no frame of reference as to just how much the species is to advance in the next 1000 years, little own 300000.  Nonetheless, I did my best, and he seemed taken in.  He wanted to know more and more about it.

 We must have conversed for a couple of hours before Stroeva informed us we were ready to continue our mission.

 ----------------

We made our way back to the crashed ship where we saw Mergenese cyborgs holding some of the Steelhead soldiers prisoner.  They were split into three main groups.  Stroeva decided that the best way to proceed would be to split into three groups and charge at the different groups of cyborgs, otherwise we risked the prisoners getting slaughtered.  Stroeva charged one of the groups, I was to take out another, and Viktor and Xochitl were to team up and take out the third.  

 Though numerous, these cyborgs were simplistic and weak, made of common metals that were easy to destroy.  Stroeva and I dispatched our enemies quite effortlessly, but I saw both Viktor and Xochitl struggling with their group.  Not only that, but they both appeared to have significant injuries that their natural cell regeneration could not overcome, so I rushed to their aid.  Stroeva took her time, and only got there once we had dispatched the final group.  Fortunately, none of the prisoners were injured.  

 A few minutes after, wave after wave of cyborgs attacked our position.  With the help of the Steelhead soldiers, we were able to repel these attacks. Though poorly trained, these soldiers fought valiantly.  Perhaps inspired by our demonstration of power, they seemed inspired and fearless, a feeling of invincibility filling their minds.  I made sure to keep them healed while using my psionic abilities to dismantle the coming waves of hostiles.  Stroeva and Viktor were able to deal massive damage to large groups, while Xochitl attacked the strongest of the enemies one by one.  

 Soon after we had finished off the attacking cyborgs, we spotted a large Mergenese ship approaching. This was no simple corvette, but a destroyer.  It struck me as odd, as nothing in our records indicated Mergen had the technology to build a destroyer, but here was one.  I teleported us inside the destroyer, were again, we were met with heavy resistance by combat cyborgs.  

 We fought every inch of the way towards the bridge of the ship.  As we advanced, I could sense the confidence of Xochitl and Viktor growing. The experience they were gaining was invaluable, and they seemed more in control of their own abilities.  I could also sense Stroeva was very pleased by this turn of events, seeing them go from inexperienced soldiers into very well-disciplined veterans in just a matter of days.

 When we reached the bridge, we encountered the captain of the ship.  It was a strong cyborg with advanced ai, and he was able to summon a clone of Justiciar to his aid.  At this point, Justiciar himself teleported into the bridge and aided us in the coming battle.

 To our surprise, the battle was fairly short, as they offered little resistance to our combined attack.  The cyborg had strong defenses, but once Stroeva set up her lighting sigils and unleashed her gigabolt, the battle was quickly over.

 Immediately, it was decided that it would be best to blow up the ship.  At this point, Justiciar received a message that Steelhead base was in trouble.  He then said he knew the real reason why we were here, and that he was willing to give us the information we sought if we were to help him regain control of Steelhead.

 I found his plan compelling, and though I could have extracted the information from him, I knew they had no chance of taking back the base without our help.  Also, I realized the base was being attacked by the Mergenese mutants, which to me seemed like a clear indication that they were preparing a land invasion of Earth.

 Thus, we took a transport craft back to the base.  Justiciar questioned us why we hadn’t just been straightforward with him.  Stroeva argued that Canada would never have allowed the Russian government to carry out such an operation on their soil.  

 It took us an hour to get back to the base.  The inside was completely overrun by Mergenese mutants.  Justiciar and his men agreed to stay outside and cover our backs while I would accompany the Russian unit to retake the base.

 The inside of the base was completely overrun by the mutants.  We had to fight inch by inch through every room.  Even Stroeva was beginning to show signs of exhaustion from the constant combat.  

 In one of the rooms, I was able to break into the mind of one of the dying mutants.  What I saw shook me to my core.  He was a common man, a farmer.  Mergen soldiers had come to his farm and taken him.  He was then subjected to horrible and painful experiments where he was transformed into a hungry, unthinking killing machine.  I saw him devouring the limbs of some unfortunate Steelhead soldier.  The image was so foul I could actually taste the flesh of the soldier.  Worse of all, I was able to see the poor farmer trapped inside the deepest subconscious of the now corrupt mind.  

 I spoke to him, tried to comfort him, telling him his soul would once again rejoin the cosmos.  That he would be at peace now.  He seemed frightened and ashamed by what he had been turned into.  He asked for forgiveness for what he had done.  I told him he was not the one who should apologize.  The monsters who did this to him should.  

 With that, I said goodbye and left his mind.  I asked the unit to stop and explained what I had seen.  Xochitl and Viktor were both horrified.  Stroeva semed unmoved.  She said that she actually thought the Mergenese had done right, that they had turned some useless redneck into a valuable member of society.  I could sense Xochitl and Viktor were disgusted with her, as was I.  However, for the sake of team cohesion, I decided to drop the topic and told them I was ready to move on.

 In the central room, the Mergenese unleashed a giant Sasquatch on us.  Unfortunately, we were forced to kill the poor creature.  Again, this was the best we could have done, for I know they were ready to turn him into one of those mindless killing machines.

 In the final room, a Mergen commander and his guards broke into a tunnel where they tried to run away. We chased them, again, fighting scores of Mergenese mutants.  Finally, we came head to head with the Commander and his elite guards.  The battle was short, though Xochitl was fatally wounded in the fight.

 Stroeva was unmoved, knowing that of my heritage, she told me to go ahead with it.  Viktor was disdraught, until he saw what Stroeva was talking about.  I approached Xochitl’s corpse and my bots got to work, bringing her back to life.  She was horrified and in shock for several minutes before coming too.  

 Then I approached the corpse of the Commander, bringing him back to the brink of death, when he was still alive.  I used this valuable few seconds to pry his mind.  Like the farmer, he had been some unlucky soldier transformed into a mutant. Eventually, I got to him, and was able to get his normal self to reveal to me the location of the capital ship carrying my mother.  He said we had no way of getting there, and I simply thanked him and released his soul to the comfort of death.

  I then informed the squad of what I had learned.  I told them my mother was on a Mergenese cruiser at the edge of the solar system. That they were about to warp away to the Mergen system.  Stroeva sighed, knowing there was no way of getting to them in time.  

 As soon as she finished saying that, we materialized inside the Mergenese cruiser.  All I needed was to have an idea of its location, which the Commander had provided me with, and I was able to teleport us there.

 The ship was full of elite Mergen troops.  These were no mutants, but trained, genetically enhanced soldiers.  The fighting was intense, and all throughout, we heard alarms going off.  While the Russians fought the Mergen troops, I teleported outside and destroyed all the escape pods, then rejoined the Russians in our assault on the ship.

 After an hour of intense fighting, we finally reached the bridge.  As soon as she saw Prince Osman IV, Stroeva shot a gigabolt at him, but . . .

[rain-line]

i had such a really sad, fucked up dream yalls

i dont remember wat happened in most of it, i just remember the ending/climax of it. even tho it was fictional i feel devastated

basically me and two friends were being chased by this really determined, wildly angry dude out for revenge. this dude was like on a strategic mind plane of zero escape or komaeda levels. so im gonna call him komaeda. one of the friends with me was some rando blondie so ill just call her kaede (bc she was sweet and very motivated n cute). the other friend,,, was literally just chihiro.

(this is p long so its under cut)

 like im only calling the villain of this dream komaeda bc of how crazy strategic n wild he was, he wasnt literally komaeda. and im calling the other friend kaede just based on looks. but this other person i was escaping with was actually just chihiro. we called them chihiro and everything. just a random dangan ronpa character for no reason lol.

we were on a high floor of a multi-storied building (like a hotel or apartment or something) and komaeda guy cornered us in a room and he sprays some sleeping gas stuff in the air so we cant run from him, like, he even sprays it within HIS own vicinity. thats how confident he was i guess he knew/was counting on that he would be the first to wake up and then he could kill kaede and chihiro (he didnt really care about me, he just wanted kaede n chihiro ded bc he felt they wronged him or watev. even tho i wasnt on his hit-list he was still dangerous so i was still scared tho and wanted to help my friends 😔 )

so kaede chihiro n komaede fall asleep bc of the sleep gas and i dont bc i held my breathe (mind blown amirite) and first thing i do is drag komaeda away into another room and try to think wat i can do with this opportunity since hes knocked out. but im weak and theres nothing i can use as a weapon to maim or kill him. (and thinking back on it, i shouldve at least tied him up to buy time but that never occured to dream me lol) the whole time while i was trying to figure out wat to do, he kept drifting in and out of the gas sleep mumbling incoherently about his plans and even trying to weakly get away from me. i just left him alone in that room and went back to the other room where kaede n chihiro were still knocked out.

i couldnt get them to wake up so i try my best to help them get away. the only other escape from the room was through the balcony. so one by one i drag and toss (GENTLY AS I CAN) their bodies from current balcony to next balcony on the floor beneath. a random gardener dude notices me and helps after quick explanation of the dire situation. having the extra manpower makes this go by way smoother and easier. we’re on the last couple floors of the building, chihiro wakes up after i move him to the next balcony. (gr8!) i climb up to the previous balcony to check to see if kaede is waking up yet and to move her to the next balcony as well, but just as i climb up both me and the rando gardener see sleepy kaede being dragged away by komaeda from a nearby vent system or watever. we’re shook.

i start to immediately climb through the vent to go after them and save her but the scenery in the building is extremely scary, like in this video exactly (probably bc i had just watched that vid for the first time about 2 nights ago). so as much as i wanted to go in and save her i was terrified. U_U 

me, gardener and chihiro try to discuss and brainstorm thingsg we could do. we weren't gonna run off to save ourselves or go look for help bc we didnt want to leave kaede  behind, but also we we were all just too scared to go in there. i tried one more time to go in and i didnt get too far bc it just kept getting scarier the more u went in so i crawled back out.

we spent maybe an hour or two trying our best to brainstorm and venture (unsuccessfully) through the vent system. finally i built up enough courage and determination for kaede and hatred for komaeda that i was ready to face fears and enter the vents again. my plan was to just run through it loud and screaming- so that rather than being jumpscared and caught off guard myself, i’d already alert or scare watever is in there so i would see them coming and it wouldnt be so scary. we still didnt have any weapons or anything, but the gardener gave me this dull gardening tool that kinda looked like one of those tools u see people pick up cake slices on to serve, u kno?

so just as i was ready to burst in, a mega bruised up, beaten, komaeda gets kicked from a window and lands in front of us. we’re all like ‘yay! kaede finally managed to best him!’ i think for a second, where is kaede tho? but i get too overwhelmed seeing komaeda there, this is finally the chance to stop him and make sure he doesnt hurt us or anyone else ever again. he has been a nightmare and i just hope he didnt hurt kaede too much. komaeda is just sittin there and seems to have already accepted his fate. doesnt say anything but it just warmly smiling and waiting for us to end it.

i wasnt gonna miss another oppurtunity like back when he pulled the sleeping gas stunt so i stab him with the  blunt  tool over and over in the face, in his eye, chest, heart- thats wen he falls over n dies. but i keep stabbing him in the back bc this whole dream hes been after us and causing so much stress and anxiety and i want to MAKE SURE he cant get back up somehow through some sneaky tricks up his sleeve or something.

after that ordeal we make our way out the building. we somehow knew that kaede would meet us down there (dream logic i guess). the weather turns into heavy, almost sideways rain. we see kaede made it to the roof of a building across the street via zip line. shes wearing a yellow raincoat bc of the weather (lol.) we’re like yay katie made it out safe. but the gardener is like ‘i dunno, doesnt it kinda look like shes way too spotless, unscratched, untouched for having winning a struggle with komaeda?’ i dont respond and ignore his comment, but it makes a very frightening feeling and thought itch at my mind that something indeed isnt right.

heres the fuckin kick

we meet up withi kaede on the roof only for her to remove the hood of the raincoat and speak to us to reveal that this is actually komaeda with his hair dyed blonde and dressed in kaede’s clothes. hes laughing in our faces and tells us what he did and watches the despair on my face. 

after he snatched kaede from the vent, he beat her the fuck up enough to make up for the fact that he wasnt able to get chihiro too. then he cut and dyed her hair (as well as dyeing his) and switched their clothes (which he actually probably did first since kaedes clothes were spotless remember) that would explain why they were in there for hours while we outside too afraid to go in, deliberating on wat to do. he actually finished setting up with time to spare, but he used that time to just wait, so that our tensions (mainly mine) would build up so much that i would feel fed up and reach the height of my anger, so thats wen he decided it was time to t hrow the disguised kaede at us from the window. he knew the mere sight of “him” would flare up my rage. 

poor katie was so beaten n rekt that she could barely move or even speak, which is why she didnt do anything to fight back or speak. she  couldnt. thats why she, as “komaeda” just sat there and smiled. that was honestly all she could do, just smile at us and accept her fate ;-;  i fucking murdered her.

so the dream ended with komaeda dressed as kaede laughing maniacally at us in the rain with the occasional lightning strikes, like a stereotypical villain ending.

that was the end. i woke up sooooooooooooooo  shookened.

tbh tho, as bad as that dream made me feel im also in love bc ive always liked tragic stories- tragic heroes, sad endings, tearjerker movies, etc, anything sad i love it. so on one hand, im devastated this happened, but on another hand im like- this is a genius storyline. a masterpiece. i love it.

[mizukikuramoto]

“KILL JA̶CKSEPTICEYE | Bio IN̵̛c Redemp T̨I̶̢on” Analysis + Theory

I don’t know if this is going to get any attention in the tag... that’s alright if it doesn’t. I just want to collect my thoughts into an analysis and a theory.

Well well well... Anti is back for more, and we also had the pleasure of seeing Dr.Schnee in action... Let’s just get to the point. Hey g͚̘͉̘̖̼̤͒̓̆̓͌̚͡ĺ̷̞̙̰̳͔̯̼̞̓̆͑̃̚͢͝ȉ̵̬͕̖̥͊̉̐̕̕̚͜͠ẗ̡̻̝͍͇́̑̈́̔̽̄͞͡͡ͅc̷̬̳̭͉͉͚̹̗̏͑̊̌̐̇͛́͡͡ͅh̦̘̪̥̽̾̒̋̉̃̀ͅ b̷̧̠͖̦̗̍͌̑̈́͗̇̕͜͠͡͠i̶̯̭͔̪̭̫͍̣͍̳͑́̈̉͌̆͞ţ̧̭͕̭̙̩͔̭̲͛̈̄̓̊c̬̰̞͔̹̱̙̪̹̳̉͌̀̃̒̑̚͡ḣ̶̨̜͙̜̙̔̈̋̋̕̕͝!̨̛̛̞̠̳͕̌͌̎̓͐͆͢ I’m going to shoot your plans out of the water!

But first, let’s dissect this video a little bit. I’ll be using time stamps as a reference. 

[0:39 - 0:45] Jack feels sick and steps out of the video, covering his mouth as if he’s about to throw up.

[0:47] Ze good Doctah takes over! He is confident, per usual.

[1:22 - 1:28] “JackSepticEye. . . he is one of my dear friends.” Normal for an alternative ego to have a correlating relationship with the ‘main ego.’ He expresses an attachment to Jack.

[2:00 - 2:10] “Taking shape, taking form. You do not look the best. You do not look the way you have always looked. You do not look like... yourself...” A bit weird to say that after assuming a stomach problem. It’s as if Dr.Schneep is aware of Jack’s disposition, that Anti is slowly taking control of him and that it’s physically taking a toll on him... well, perhaps appearance wise, but the video in itself is showing that Anti is causing Jack to slowly inch to death.

[2:22] The first glitch is seen. Subtle, sudden. Dr.Schneep appears to be fine.

[2:57 - 3:02] “Always. Always with the mood swings, one time he is one person, the next time he is a completely different person.” I’m probably looking at this too much... I just found this interesting.

[3:07] Ze doctah’s eye is itchy... ehh, it’s probably because Jack’s eye is itchy. Nothing more probably.

[3:41 - 3:45] Dr.Schneep starts to worry about Jack. The appropriate response for a concerning doctor and friend.

[4:14] The second glitch is seen. Longer than the first. It looks like Dr.Schneep is getting a nose bleed, just like how Jack got one from the “Say Goodbye” video. This could be Anti infecting him.

[4:18 - 4:28] “I saved my very good friend Chase. Chase Brody, he went back. He saw his family. Did they take him back? We may never know--” I mean, there’s speculation that Anti already got Chase. I saw a picture of Anti with his hat in a post. Just a thought. Dr.Schneep is getting a bit more concerned.

[4:54] Preeeety specific with the ‘anti’ in anti-coagulants...

[5:03 - 5:12] “If something gets inside your body, and it wants to destroy you from the inside out, there’s only one way to deal with it and that way is SCHNEEPLESTEN.” Things are starting to get serious. It’s just like timestamp [2:00 - 2:10], it’s as if he knows that Anti is slowly gaining more control over Jack. The third glitch shows ze doctah with black eyes, just like Anti’s. Anti has now fully infected Dr.Schneep, and I think he knows it too. 

[5:12 - 5:25] “You’re not... looking yourself. It’s getting very warm in here. . . very scary, very, very, nervous.” He is reaaaaally stressing out at this point. He’s trying to compose himself, but he is really worried about Jack and he’s getting flustered. Him saying that it’s very warm is probably due to him panicking.

[5:26 - 5:34] “What is happening? I feel it in my own arm.” Jack and Dr.Schneep are one and the same, they have a connection. Maybe it’s a heightened connection since Anti is inflicting pain on Jack while infecting ze Doctah. 

[6:03] The fourth glitch happens. Dr.Schneep is rubbing his neck. It possibly connects to the slit on Anti’s neck? The one he stitched? 

[6:32] The fifth glitch happens. Ze doctah is stressed out of his mind.’

[6:38 - 6:43] “You need... get... whatever is inside that brain! Whatever is inside, we need to get it out!” He is fully aware of what is happening to him, and he is stressing out big time because he is going to lose Jack if he doesn’t do anything. The sixth glitch shows Dr.Schneep convulsing, as if possessed.

[6:44 - 6:47] The flickering of the glitches are becoming more frequent, and Anti’s voice emanates from Dr.Schneep’s voice when he says ‘die.’

[6:49 -6:54] “Not again, I will not lose you. I almost lost you once before.” HE’S ADMITTING THAT HE STITCHED AND HEALED ANTI AFTER “SAY GOODBYE!” This is it! After Jack killed himself, Anti took over his body, and ze doctah stitched him back together. It’s still Jack’s body nonetheless! More flickering occurs.

[6:58] Dr.Schneep is freaking out, he has no idea what to do. He’s going to lose Jack. He is panicking.

[7:15] His attempts to save Jack are becoming futile. Systems failure is in the Zalgo/creepy font in cc. The camera flickers dimly to reveal Anti for the first time, smiling at us. Anti knows that he’s going to kill Jack, again.

[7:40 - 7:48] Dr.Schneep grows anxious.Anti speaks out from ze doctah with maniacal laughter. Anti has more control over him. 

[7:51 - 8:02] “Ve need to save him-- I need your help!!” Dr.Schneep is being driven by fear and panic. The feedback of the camera is lagging. He knows his demise is coming, and now he’s screaming at the audience to help Jack. He knows that we, the community, can stop Anti, but he alone cannot. Anti continues to speak over ze doctah, telling the audience to save him and not Jack... just like he always wanted us to do. (By the way that was a pretty cool transition from Sean to Anti c:)

[8:05 - 8:10] “Antidepressants, Anti-- depress--press--press--press. We have to depress Anti--and--get him out of there!” He’s trying to fight against Anti’s influence. He doesn’t have that much time, and now he’s trying to go against the glitch to send the community a message to stop Anti.

[8:11 - 8:20] Anti fights back and manipulates Dr.Schneep’s body to hang itself on the cord of his headphones. Ze doctah- thank goodness that this happened- breaks out of Anti’s control and continues to do his best to save Jack. This shows that he was, originally, one of the strongest egos among Jack’s alternatives. Sadly, he’s losing the battle as he is slowly fusing with the glitches of the video.

[8:24 - 8:29] Dr.Schneep is stuck in the control of Anti’s glitch, which is apparent from his repetitive, yet contorted, mention of anti-coagulants. His movement is synced with Anti’s as the camera flickers between ze doctah and Anti, signifying that Anti has full control over him now. Their expressions match, the madness is taking over him with every pulse of a glitch.

[8:30 - 8:46] Ze doctah’s pain is either the connection with Jack slowly dying, or the pain is from Anti which he is inflicting upon him. Anti, in the background, continues to laugh as Dr.Schneep succumbs to the realization that Jack will die, that whatever he did made Jack worse, that his efforts were wasted on someone that was going to die.

This is Anti’s part. I’m just going to list out the important parts he says.

“im tired of playing pretend! sick of it!”

“and you thought you had him back”

 “they all follow me”

“ive kept control all of this time!”

“i am eternal, always!”

“fooling around over, and OVER! in fucking circles!”

“mocking me with your ‘glitch bitch’ ” ha yeah shut up Anti you are a glitch bitch

“that doctor thought he could save him but he was MINE! he was weak!”

"who do you think youve been watching all of this time”

“powerless”

“my puppets”

“there are no strings on me”

So... what now. 

What does Anti want? What is he going to do? Jack is dead... again. What happened to Dr.Schneeplesten? I have a few ideas as to what’s going to come in the future.

There’s a few new things he mentioned during his little hissy fit: “my puppets” and “there are no strings on me.” He’s talking as if he is a puppeteer, the one pulling strings in this entire predicament. He wants- desires for power, for control, and as we were watching,”powerless” and unable to do much at first, he was ever so slowly getting what he wanted. From this video, it appears that Dr.Schneeplesten is now under Anti’s control, making the strongest of the bunch submit to Anti’s will. It’s just like what ze doctah said: “If one goes down, then they all go down.” Anti is planning to take down every other alternative ego and to break their will so that he could enter easily within them. He was able to successfully infect Dr.Schneep by making him feel helpless. Anti slowly pushed Jack to death and Dr.Schneep couldn’t do anything about it, causing him to spiral into a heap of panic and mistakes. He was mentally broken, and that was when Anti entered. If he was able to do that to him, then think about what he could possibly do to the rest of them?

What I fear is that Anti will use all of the alternative egos against Jack. Jack’s creations will turn against him.They will torture him, just like how Anti did to ze doctah. They will do all the dirty work, and Anti will grab the opportunity to possess Jack and fully control him. In a way, it’s like a computer: if you take down all of the smaller systems in a huge one, then you can hit the center core of the process with ease.

Now... what can we do?

We fight back. We can think two steps ahead of what Anti is planning. We continue to strengthen our will for Jack to come back- especially when he broke his two video streak OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE YOU DONE ANTI YOU BITCH- and to make sure that we #saveseptic/#septicsave rather than save Anti. If we break now in a heap of worry, which is honestly working Anti WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO TO JACK, then we are playing right into the his hands.

Let’s do this for Dr.Schneep! For Jack! We are more than one person. We are a community. We’re not going to let some petty glitch take over Jack!

On another lighter note, I hope that you enjoyed my analysis, interpretation, and theory! I would really love your feedback please dont roast me alive. I’ll be honest, I’m scared to post this over tumblr. It’s moreso that it might get negative feedback, but that’s the risk that I must accept. I never really popped my head and put my input in stuff, especially in Mark’s and Jack’s community, so yeah ^^’

Have a good day all. Stay awesome, you are all amazing.

[zenyattasperceptrons]

sj rambling like goddamn for real

///////

i know it’s not “time for rhetoric”

theres literally people chanting na/zi slogans on the street. and that’s terrifying. and i don’t even know the half of how terrifying it can be. and it needs to stop. yeah.

but. ive been grappling with this phrase in my head for a while. im not quite sure it makes sense yet. but it’s something like, “opposite is not dissimilar.” if something is “opposite” it actually has quite a lot to do with the thing it’s opposite to. It’s across from this thing on one single axis, as opposed to catty corner and off in another section on the y coordinate and blah blah...

so. yknow. no, i don’t think people who use tactics similar to the alt-r/ight, but on the other end of the political spectrum are “just as bad.” it’s very difficult to be “just as bad” as... actual... na/zis ....but. I do think those tactics are incredibly polarizing and short-term and...well, violent. And I don’t know if you’ve looked around America lately (I wish I could stop looking around), polarization looks like an absolute shitshow. I mean, part of it is that the loudest voices are the most extreme, so the ones you hear about are the ones who are pretty set in their ways.

But there are people who follow more right-wing politics that aren’t that polarized. Yet. And they’re probably thinking, yknow...what a mess their party has become. Like, in some ways, don’t you really wish we could trade for Romney right now? Like, he’s obviously not the #1 choice but if your only option was Romney or this, I would take Romney. And I bet a lot of republicans feel that way too. They don’t want to be associated with this. Some might very strongly feel that it needs to stop, they just...aren’t sure what to do about it.

And there’s not a lot of entry points for that when all of the talk going around is something like... yknow.. “all republicans are horrid beings and this was the obvious outcome of their beliefs” etc etc and. so. there’s not a lot of places where people can go and get something like. “okay. we don’t agree on some things. and we’re definitely going to hash that out. but we can do that LATER. right now we need to work together to stop this absolute cancer from taking over america.” but aside our differences. work together. it sounds optimistic, but...is it naive to say that people on any side would like there to not be na/zis in america right now? i... hope not.

i just. I don’t want to be “opposite” to this group. I want to be the wrench in the entire system. I don’t want to hammer this nail so deep into the ground with brute force that you don’t see it anymore, but it might still wiggle out if the floorboards loosen. I want there to be no need for this nail. I want to redo the entire floor, yknow. I want the people who have these beliefs to...not feel anymore like they need them. Now that...that’s naive. That’s idealistic. But I think working with that goal in mind is better than. Not.

I just don’t know how to deal with the short term problem while considering long term effects. i dont have the answer here. maybe...maybe we need to do whatever we can to stop this from happening right now

but. maybe this is a cycle. maybe what’s happening is the pushback just keeps springing over with as much force as it took to push it back down. I haven’t...been alive to see most of these cycles so it’s really hard to make a big picture out of it but. Bush? We hated him. What a shitshow! He was so bad we all rallied together to get Obama elected, and that was good. I’m glad that happened. But then...republicans were so mad about this yknow, the entire government refused to do anything his entire administration. how many times did they do that stupid vote to repeal the ACA instead of getting actual work done? and we thought they were just...being extremely childish about this whole thing! making policy isn’t about standing steadfast in the ground and refusing to move, it’s about compromising and figuring out a solution that can move forward.

and then...the pushback was, unfortunately, this guy. which i still have trouble believing got legitimately elected. i don’t think my heart can take the idea of this guy getting legitimately elected. and...what did the democrats do? they said, no. we’re going to sit and oppose every single thing this guy wants to do. and... i want them to do that. i desperately do. but now i understand how the republicans felt when obama was in office. i can’t say i agree with those feelings, i don’t think “oh, well what they did under obama was okay i guess,” but i understand what it feels like.

but. how do you compromise when your parties are growing more and more polarized with more and more separate ideals and more and more sentiment that the other side is evil and wants to destroy you.

because. well... personally, i can’t think of republican policy without thinking of people...dying in result. in direct result. people need food stamps to eat. they need welfare and health insurance, god do people need health insurance. these policies will kill people, and that is my genuine belief.

and i don’t understand how republicans can oppose what we stand for. I don’t.

But... I do believe they feel the same way. Somehow. I can’t explain it, but I know they feel this way. We are a direct threat to their lives. I don’t agree with it. But it’s a fact that that sentiment exists in some people.

so where do we go from here. we can’t relax and begin to compromise unless they relax and begin to compromise at an exactly equal pace. and how do you do that? how do you enforce that? how do you enforce trust and goodwill? how do you take the first step forward in letting the barricade down without getting completely stampeded by people who are, at this point, absolutely happy to take the opportunity?

i don’t know. im lost. i’m completely at a loss here as to how to move forward.

but i know that pushing back with brute force is...going to end in violence. somehow. we can’t keep up like this. something is going to break. our government cannot operate like this anymore. let’s be honest--it’s not operating like this anymore. our government is no longer functioning.

and that’s how things change, i guess. that’s how colonies threw off their colonizers. a violent revolution. that’s the way to do away with the system and build another on top of the rubble.

but since when has that worked out. that’s not an option i’m excited about. people will die. we all know how war works these days. it’s not a bunch of volunteers going off into an empty field and fighting in the name of their country. it’s personal. it involves civilians. it’s long and drawn out and it’s automated. innocent people get involved. all of those people we’re trying to protect with government benefits--what will happen to them if there’s not a government anymore. i just.

i don’t know what the conclusion of this post was supposed to be anymore.

i think what i really want to say, and what i really want to be true, but wishing isn’t going to make it come into existence

i want to release the pressure. i want people who are capable of doing this, and not in immediate danger, to reach out to those around them and talk to them. i want to be human to each other and i want to be understanding. i want to talk about ideals. yes, i want to sit down and have a goddamn talk about ideals and that doesn’t make me a traitor to our cause because there are so many of us and we can be doing different things at the same time! violence is a shitty patch-up job for what’s going on right now. if you’re in direct danger or someone close to you is in direct danger then yes, take action, please, protect yourself, protect those close to you, protect strangers who need your protection, but don’t pretend like self-defense is a political solution to what’s going on right now. it’s necessary, but it’s not addressing the root cause. we can’t go around perpetuating it because that’s not what we should want. we want people to feel safe because when people feel safe they don’t enact violence against other people at least in the large, large majority of cases. i don’t want those who can’t defend themselves to have to continue relying on other people to help them, i want them to feel safe on their own. i don’t want to put vulnerable people’s lives at risk for the sake of some kind of righteous vigilante justice. i want to have a system that works and to me what that means is people who are willing to talk to each other and be compassionate and address concerns and just. just be human! connect! hold fucking hands and sing songs together!!!!! fuck it!!!

fuck it!!!! the tools of violence are bad tools and the second we lay them down they’ll get picked up by people who will use them against us and idk about you but i dont want to keep violence in an iron grip all my life!!! AUGH

[fitnesshealthyoga-blog]

New Post has been published on https://fitnesshealthyoga.com/its-a-fentanyl-crisis-stupid-national-pain-report/

It’s a Fentanyl Crisis, Stupid! – National Pain Report

By Kaatje “Gotcha” van der Gaarden, PA-C, MPAS. 

Editor’s Note: This story was originally published on Dec 17, 2018 on Medium Health.

Featured Image: TEDxABQ 2018 “A Working Parachute: spinal cord injuries, ketamine & comedy” which turned into a 9 min stand-up set! Photo credit Allen Winston Photography

In 2012, life was great: I proudly wore a white coat with a stethoscope around my neck and finally felt useful to humanity. Two decades earlier, as a stuntwoman, my parachute did not quite open, and I landed on my sacrum (tailbone) at 70 mph, crushing the sacral nerves. I had lost two inches of my spine, fractured several vertabrae, and would spend a year in ICU, hospitals, and a spinal cord clinic. I was left with traumatic cauda equina syndrome,¹ suffered from residual pain, and was left with a “sitting disability.” For my atrophied lower leg and foot muscles, I used leg braces, a cane or scooter and I sat on a padded office chair. I’ve schlepped pillows and camping mats with me ever since my skydiving accident. Frequently, lying down for a few minutes was the only way to deal with my disability.

Kaatje “Gotcha” van der Gaarden

As a Physician Assistant in primary care, I loved my job and providing a true provider-patient collaboration. I had ample opportunity to prescribe opioid medications. Responsibly, of course. In my toolbox, I had excellent interview skills, the State’s Prescription Monitoring Program (PMP), and a urine test. The PMP would let me know me if patients were doctor or pharmacy shopping, although it couldn’t take into account other states. A urinalysis would tell me if the patient was taking the opioids as prescribed, or diverting, or using other, illegal drugs, or medications that were not prescribed. Heck yeah, I even had my patients sign an Opioid Use Contract.

One patient’s husband worked for the Drug Enforcement Agency (DEA), and he told me one that opioids went for about 70 cents per milligram on the street, in 2012. However, I never assumed someone was gaming the system and tried to keep an open mind. Some patients did want me to refill their emergency room (ER) hydrocodone prescription, for complaints like a mildly strained knee. At that point, I would print out knee exercises instead. I always tried to understand my patients’ emotional and physical health and encouraged exercise and healthy habits (even if most days, I couldn’t prepare food so I ate LAY’S® Limón Potato Chips and gummi worms).

Another patient had just moved from Arizona, with a history of using 30 mg of MS-Contin, a long-acting morphine tablet, three times a day, plus another opioid, Percocet 10 mg instant relief (IR), one tablet every four to six hours for breakthrough pain. The patient was full-time employed, doing fairly intense labor, and was incensed when I wanted evidence of his “bad back.” The patient did not bring any records during his first visit, but he later returned with a lengthy health record — his pain deriving from five back surgeries, three of them revisions for the original surgeries.

I had never heard of “ultra-rapid” or “slow” opioid metabolizers² which affect adequate treatment, and still believed the Center for Disease Control (CDC) had society’s best interest at heart. The opioid crisis seemed far away, and I believed that did not affect my patients, or myself. Mistakenly, I thought there hardly would have been an “opioid epidemic” had medical providers only accompanied any opioid prescription with this warning: “Use your IR (instand relief) opioid medication when you truly have breakthrough pain, a 7–8 or higher, or it will no longer be as effective.”

Perhaps. But complicating matters was that opioid medications did seem to be prescribed for relatively mild to moderate pain, or in situations where acute pain would soon resolve. For example, to my patient with that strained knee, seen in a Colorado ER. In 1991, I’d fractured my lower leg above the ankle, after a car stunt gone awry, and wasn’t prescribed any opioid medication. The ER doc in Florida who applied the hot pink cast, from my toes to my knee, pointed me to a Walgreens to buy Tylenol (acetaminophen) for the simple, uncomplicated fracture.

Although I was in tremendous pain myself from the sky diving accident and crushed sacral nerves, I denied suffering from intractable pain. Yet I was battling worsening neuropathic (nerve) pain, as well as residual musculoskeletal pain from the sacral and vertebral fractures, on a daily basis. I made it through each workday by lying down on the exam table during lunch. Work gave me great happiness, but physically I had no energy left to cook, maintain friendships or even have a hobby.

That year I recall having to do five mandatory continuing medical education credits by the State on “responsible opioid prescribing.” This seemed ludicrous since I always looked at the PMP before going into the exam room. Especially with a patient that was on medications that fell under the Controlled Substances Act.³ As a non-contract employee, I also paid my own DEA license at $780 every three years for the privilege of writing controlled substance prescriptions. I was ticked off with the cost, but also with what I perceived as government encroachment on my medical decision making.

Sure enough, over the years, after the CDC Opioid Guidelines came out (which are voluntary, and not legally binding), I began to realize that there is no true opioid epidemic. There’s an epidemic alright, of people taking opioids with multiple medications and then adding alcohol and other illegal drugs on top. What we most certainly have is an alcohol epidemic, with 88,000 deaths⁴ annually, and this epidemic is starting to effect millennials. I blame those hipster beers with ridiculously high alcohol percentages, as millennials are dying of liver cirrhosis in record-breaking numbers.

Despite the ongoing alcohol epidemic, from 2012 to 2016, using opioid medication became synonymous with being a “drug seeker.” The “opioid crisis” narrative was perpetuated and fueled by mainstream media, whose culpability lies in using labels like “opioid overdose deaths” instead of the more appropriate “mixed drug intoxication.” True opioid deaths (opioid medications alone) range around five thousand deaths annually, according to Josh Bloom, writing for the American Council on Science and Health.⁵ New York City’s medical examiner’s office is unsurpassed when it comes to accurately determining cause of death: in 2016, 71 percent of all drug-related deaths involved heroin and/or fentanyl.⁶

Looking at the numbers, most of the so-called “opioid deaths” seemed to be people who did not take their medication as instructed, if opioids were legally prescribed in the first place. Seriously, because who cooks their Fentanyl patch and injects it? Not chronic pain patients, who need slowly titrated medication to bathe, cook, work, take care of kids, or go to school. Patients were indeed dying from respiratory depression, caused by taking legal or illegal opiates. But how many of those deaths are suicides? If patients with severe pain, on a stable regimen, are denied access, they may turn to suicide, or illegal opioids like heroin, now tainted by illegal fentanyl. That is not an opioid crisis, but another iatrogenic consequence of the “guidelines.” The Law of Unintended Consequences never fails.

How was it that the CDC took advice from an anti-opioid advocacy group, Physicians for Responsible Opioid Prescribing (PROP)⁸ in constructing the Opioid Guidelines? PROP had lobbied Federal officials and the FDA for years, to change opioid labels. When they were (mostly) rebutted, PROP got involved with the CDC, behind closed doors. The Washington Legal Foundation⁷ notified the CDC in 2015, as in their opinion, the CDC broke the 1972 Federal Advisory Committee Act (FACA) law. Washington Legal Foundation states that a Core Expert Group, advising the CDC, conducted their “research” and “Draft for Opioid Guidelines” in secret, without input from pain experts, pharmocologists, or patient groups.

Dr. Jane Ballantyne (current PROP President) was part of that Core Expert Group and is notorious for her anti-opioid stance. Another Core Expert Group member is PROP executive director, and founder, Dr. Andrew Kolodny, who refers to opiate medication as “heroin” pills and proclaimed that “oxycodone and heroin have indistinguishable effects.”⁹ Yet you oughtn’t compare a 5 mg tablet of oxycodone to IV heroin, without qualifiers on potency. Dr. Kolodny, an addiction expert, doesn’t even distinguish between “plain” heroin, and heroin cut with fentanyl, which is 100 times stronger than morphine. About 80 percent of fatal overdoses are now due to illegal fentanyl. By muddying the issues of opioid dependence, opioid addiction, and heroin use with either false or incomplete statements, PROP also does a disservice to people who are addicted to heroin or illegal fentanyl.

Research has found that 75% of heroin addicts have a mental health illness, and 50% have trauma from (sexual) abuse before age 16, something that gets drowned in Dr. Ballantyne’s simplified narrative of “continuous or increasing doses of opioids [… ] can worsen a person’s ability to function and his or her quality of life. It may also lead to opioid abuse, addiction, or even death.”¹⁰ Like many others, I argue that (illegal) fentanyl, and indirectly, profound loss of hope, is the main driver behind the current “mixed use overdose” deaths.

Dr. Kolodny was Chief Medical Officer of The Phoenix House, an addiction center, at the time he helped draft the CDC Guidelines. PROP also avoids mentioning the Millennium saliva,¹¹ or other DNA tests, to identify how individual patients metabolize opiate medication and that some are “ultrafast” metabolizers. PROP fails to mention opioid blood concentration measurements, no matter how imperfect.¹² However, no one doubts the conflict of interest: PROP Board members are involved with grants from the CDC, addiction centers, medical device companies to develop an opioid tapering mechanism, and even consulted with law firms investigating lawsuits against opiate pharmaceutical companies.

PROP was originally funded by Phoenix House, one of many addiction centers that prescribes buprenorphine. PROP is currently funded by the Steve Rummler HOPE Network,¹³ another anti-opioid group that lists Dr. Ballantyne and Dr. Kolodny on the medical advisory committee. Dr. Kolodny admitted in a 2013 New York Times article titled “Addiction Treatment with a Dark Side” that as a New York City Health official, he lobbied on behalf of the buprenorphine pharmaceutical industry. He was quoted as saying, “We had New York City staff out there acting like drug reps [with $10,000 incentives -KG].”¹⁴

Buprenorphine was the supposed miracle drug after methadone, but its known side effects include serious diversion, addiction, and possibly, lifelong treatment. Dr. Kolodny publicly promoted buprenorphine in various media outlets, despite evidence of buprenorphine overprescribing, pill mills, and overdoses. The true scale is not known, as most ERs and medical examiners do not test for the presence of buprenorphine. The CDC does not track buprenorphine deaths, despite a 2013 study¹⁵ that found a tenfold increase in buprenorphine-related ED visits, according to the Federally funded Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA). As “bupe” availability increased, so did diversion and overdose deaths.

Interestingly, that Dr. Kolodny promotes the idea that heroin and opioid medications are the same molecular compound. Actually, buprenorphine has a molecular profile¹⁶ that more closely resembles heroin, than hydrocodone. Dr. Kolodny indirectly claims that CDC “Guidelines” are effective, when the truth is that by the time PROP advised the CDC, prescriptions had already tapered off. This is evidenced in his statement as chief medical officer from a Phoenix House Q&A,¹⁷ dated December 2015: “It will take some time, but we’re already beginning to see a plateau in opioid prescribing.” Dr. Kolodny appears to take credit for a trend that had nothing to do with PROP, and he omits the fact that prescriptions are down since 2011, and yet overdoses are up.

Mainstream media occasionally, and accidentally, reveals the truth. CNN¹⁸ in 2018: “Fentanyl-related deaths double in six months; US government takes some action.” Then again, the echo of Dr. Kolodny’s statements, as reported by CNN: “The recent rise in popularity of these synthetics has been called the third wave of the opioid epidemic; the first wave was attributed to the overprescribing of painkillers like oxycodone and hydrocodone and the second to heroin. The drugs are all chemically similar and act on the same receptors in the brain.” Again, not one word about potency.

Few realize that when the CDC issued the Opioid Guidelines in 2016, there was inadequate research done ahead of time to determine the true cause of the rise in opioid-related deaths. There are no long-term studies on the effects of chronic opiate therapy. Very few, if any, pain management experts or pharmacologists were consulted to determine potential impacts on their practice. Neither veterans nor chronic pain patients were given a true opportunity to issue public comments to the CDC or any other Federal authority prior to the implementation of these new prescribing mandates. The CDC ended up targeting one of the most vulnerable groups, patients with intractable pain.

The CDC’s Guidelines also affect patients with cancer and patients who no longer receive cancer treatment because, unfortunately, both groups report similar pain levels. The guidelines allow the use of opioids during cancer treatment, but they are confusing when it comes to equally severe, post-cancer treatment pain. I fear this “opioid” crisis is far from over, and yet, trust me, this will go down as “reefer madness” in another hundred years. It is a manufactured tragedy that does real harm to patients with intractable pain. The “opioid” crisis also hurts human beings who suffer from heroin, opioids or other addictions by siphoning money, goodwill, and energy.

Few people realize that the CDC hired a PR agency to help sell the American people myths on the “opioid epidemic.” The agency, PRR, designed graphics to “educate” primary care providers that “one in four patients on opioids will develop addiction.” Even the National Institute of Health,¹⁹ another federal entity, estimates this to be 5 percent, not 25 percent. Another research team²⁰ concluded in Pain Medicine that opioid therapy for chronic pain patients (note: in absence of prior or current drug abuse) resulted in a 0.19 percent incidence of abuse.

The language used by the media as well as PROP contributes to misunderstanding; using words like addiction, tolerance, dependence, abuse or opioid use disorder as if they mean the same, directs the casual observer to bias. It’s clear that PROP never was an independent, neutral entity advising the CDC, yet they ended up dictating federal policy, based on flawed evidence. Dr. Ballantyne, Dr. Franklin, and Dr. Kolodny in Politico.com²¹ in March 2018: “We agree with Satel that the answer is not to force millions of chronic pain patients to rapidly taper off medications they are now dependent on (Italics mine). But then, neither is the answer to absolve overprescribing for pain.”

I’m not a linguist, but in that essay, PROP uses the word “addiction/addicted” 16 times, and “dependence” twice. The CDC could have ensured that patients with severe to intractable pain (no such distinction is made) would not lose access to their medications. And yet, that is exactly what happened. Stable patients on long-term opioids were tapered against their will, as the CDC “Guidelines” state it is undesirable to titrate above or equal to 90 morphine milligram equivalent²² daily (aka MME/day). But this was meant for opioid-naive patients, not those on long-term opiate therapy. Primary care providers, who were forced to follow these “Guidelines,” either stopped prescribing opioids altogether or forced patients to rapidly taper to below 90 MME.

Dr. Ballantyne is correct in her remarks that it isn’t realistic to expect zero pain levels, especially for acute pain that is expected to resolve quickly, like a sprain or an uncomplicated fracture. But people with severe to intractable pain are condemned to a world of suffering. Recall my patient with the five back surgeries? I wonder about him. He was working full time, on 180 MME a day, but in his mid-fifties, arthritis would worsen soon. My own story did not end well; I ended up with yet another spinal cord lesion, a benign hemangioma at chest level, which causes “central neuropathic pain syndrome.” My old cauda equina syndrome morphed into “severe, chronic adhesive arachnoiditis.” This is an incurable, intractable, progressive neuroinflammatory disorder whose pain is considered on par with having terminal cancer pain. Still, I try to make the best of it, see my essay, On Being Bedbound.

The CDC and PROP came for me: after using opioids exactly as prescribed, and less than 30 MME daily, my primary care clinic was forced to stop my opioid prescription, and that of all patients. I was not accepted in any pain management clinic, in an urban area of almost one million. Pain clinics here no longer provide “medical management,” yet perform epidural steroid injections ($3000 a pop), which may have contributed to, or worsened my adhesive arachnoiditis syndrome. I’m lucky to live in an urban area, where the academic hospital’s pain team took over my prescription.

But what about elderly and impoverished patients, or those in rural areas? PROP and the CDC claim primary care providers “overprescribe” and are responsible for most of the opioid prescriptions. But they fail to publicly acknowledge that pain management clinics no longer accept patients. This epidemic of undertreated patients will become known as one of the cruelest moves by a Federal agency on an already compromised population. I do feel for teenagers and adults who become addicted. Yet there ought to be a different, more sensible approach towards legitimate, chronic pain patients who need opioid medications, as well as people who develop a substance use disorder, who deserve our help and sympathy.

It is a conundrum of extraordinary proportions. At a time when managed care and Electronic Health Records dictate the length and quality of an office visit, there is less and less time to sit down and connect with a patient. Not just with chronic pain patients. Medicine and society would benefit greatly from the extra time clinicians deserve, to encourage exercise, eat healthier, lose weight, stop smoking and assess if a patient needs other support, like therapy.

In my opinion, it is loneliness, the feeling of not being connected to humanity in a meaningful way, combined with economic hardship, that leads to unhealthy lifestyle choices, as witnessed by the Rustbelt being hit hardest. Research shows that rats who were offered spring water or water laced with heroin, choose heroin. When those same rats were given ample toys, space, and other rats to play and have sex with, they did not choose the heroin laced water. That’s right, happy rats don’t need no heroin!

It cannot be denied that in previous decades, pain was both undertreated, and opioid medications prescribed for relatively minor, self-resolving aches and pains. Forget for a moment, the narrative that places blame on overprescribing, the opioid manufacturers, or the pharmaceutical distributors that, for example, flooded impoverished communities like those in West Virginia.²³ Forget all that, and focus on what is going on. Ultimately, patients with intractable pain pay the price of ignorance by scientists, journalists, politicians, and laypeople alike.

For this humanitarian crisis, there are no perfect answers. For example, as Red Lawhern, Ph.D. and prominent pain advocate²⁴ recently communicated with me (12/3/2018): “there is promise in genetic testing but hasn’t yet been fully reduced to routine practice and may not be covered by insurance.” Luckily my DNA testing was covered, on the condition it tested for depression. I also discovered that ketamine infusions help me most, but will leave that topic for my upcoming book, The Queen of Ketamine. Sadly, amidst the opioid paranoia, non-invasive alternatives like ketamine infusions aren’t mentioned for neuropathic or intractable backpain, which often has a neuropathic component. Research also shows that adding an anti-seizure medication to an opiate mediation provides better neuropathic pain contral, with less morphine²⁵.

In the end, I don’t think Tai Chi, Tylenol and Cognitive Behavioral Therapy is going to cut it for meningeal inflammation or other (neuropathic) pain syndromes. I believe the tide is turning. It will take time, and in that time, patients with intractable pain will choose to end their lives. But we are not alone, and it helps to know that courageous voices, notably the Alliance for Treatment of Intractable Pain, are speaking up for us. The print and online magazine Reason²⁶ has long been a voice of, well, reason. As Red Lawhern stated in a must-listen November 2018 radio interview,²⁷ “We must address underemployment, socioeconomic despair and hopelessness which are a vector for addiction. And end the War on Pain patients.”

Love, Kaatje

Kaatje Gotcha, model and stuntwoman-turned-Physician Assistant, found comedy, writing and advocacy after developing Adhesive Arachnoiditis. This spinal cord disease causes intractable neuropathic pain and leaves her mostly bedridden. Prior to that diagnosis, she’d survived a nighttime skydiving accident, landing at 70 mph. This caused Cauda Equina Syndrome; a subsequent lumbar puncture and epidural steroidal injections may have exacerbated her previous injuries.

Kaatje’s courageous spirit led to writing “The Queen of Ketamine,” available on Kindle in February. This is a comedic yet pragmatic memoir  on adhesive arachnoiditis, the opioid “epidemic,” neuropathic pain, dating with a disability, while offering hope and practical advice. Kaatje’s 2018 TEDx talk and book publication will be posted on her Facebook page, at www.kaatjegotcha.com and Instagram @kaatjegotchacomedy. Find her essays on Medium, and follow her on twitter.

Cauda Equina Syndrome https://emedicine.medscape.com/article/1148690-overview

Opioid Metabolism https://www.medscape.com/viewarticle/771480

Controlled Substance Act https://www.dea.gov/controlled-substances-act

Alcohol Epidemic https://www.niaaa.nih.gov/alcohol-health/overview-alcohol-consumption/alcohol-facts-and-statistics

Opioid Epidemic Deception https://www.acsh.org/news/2017/10/12/opioid-epidemic-6-charts-designed-deceive-you-11935

Overdose Deaths by Heroin/Fentanyl 71percent https://www1.nyc.gov/assets/doh/downloads/pdf/epi/databrief89.pdf

Washington Legal Foundation and PROP https://www.forbes.com/sites/wlf/2015/12/15/cdc-bows-to-demands-for-transparency-and-public-input-on-draft-opioid-prescribing-guidelines/#c82eda135bc3

Physicians for Responsible Opioid Prescribing http://www.supportprop.org/

Dr Kolodny refers to “Heroin” Pills https://www.healthline.com/health-news/secondary-drug-industry-booming-amid-opioid-epidemic#2

Dr Ballantyne’s Narrative https://www.statnews.com/2015/11/30/chronic-pain-intensity-scale/

Millennium Opioid Metabolite DNA Test https://www.millenniumhealth.com/services/test-offerings/

Opioid Serum Measurements http://paindr.com/serum-opioid-monitoring-wheres-the-evidence/

Medical Advisory Committee https://steverummlerhopenetwork.org/our-team/

NYT: Addiction Treatment with a Dark Side https://www.nytimes.com/2013/11/17/health/in-demand-in-clinics-and-on-the-street-bupe-can-be-savior-or-menace.html

Sharp Rise in Buprenorphine ER Visits https://www.samhsa.gov/data/sites/default/files/DAWN106/DAWN106/sr106-buprenorphine.htm

Heroin and Buprenorphine Molecular Profile http://paindr.com/heroin-hydrocodone-buprenorphine-prop-aganda/#comment-334500]

Q&A with Dr. Kolodny, Phoenix House https://www.kolmac.com/2015/12/qa-dr-andrew-kolodny-chief-medical-officer-phoenix-house/

Fentanyl, as Reported by CNN https://www.cnn.com/2018/07/12/health/fentanyl-opioid-deaths/index.html

NIH Estimates Pain Patient “Addiction” 5 Percent https://medlineplus.gov/magazine/issues/spring11/articles/spring11pg9.html

Pain Patient “Opioid Use Disorder” without Risk Factors 0.19 percent https://academic.oup.com/painmedicine/article/9/4/444/1824073

Rebuttal by Dr. Kolodny and Dr. Ballantyne https://www.politico.com/magazine/story/2018/03/13/opioid-overprescribing-is-not-a-myth-217338

Morphine Equivalent Dosing https://www.wolterskluwercdi.com/sites/default/files/documents/ebooks/morphine-equivalent-dosing-ebook.pdf?v3

https://www.wvgazettemail.com/news/cops_and_courts/drug-firms-poured-m-painkillers-into-wv-amid-rise-of/article_99026dad-8ed5-5075-90fa-adb906a36214.html

Red Lawhern, PhD and nationally known Pain Patient Advocate http://face-facts.org/lawhern/

Combining epilepsy drug, morphine can result in less pain, lower opioid dose. https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2014/09/140915153613.htm

Jacob Sullum, Reason journalist and syndicated writer https://reason.com/archives/2018/03/08/americas-war-on-pain-pills-is#comment

“Unleashed” Matt Connarton Interviews Red Lawhern 11/28/18 https://www.spreaker.com/user/ipmnation/matt-connarton-unleashed-11-28-18

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[tellmevarric]

Step Into Another Day - Part 7

You can find the other parts here. Or over on AO3.

You know how I said everyone lives? I really meant everyone. Including the previous Sir Not-Appearing-In-This-Fic.

As Rogue One gets ready to leave on their first mission, their final member makes an appearance.

Bodhi was in a good mood. He’d slept the previous night without nightmares – something of a rarity these days between everything that had happened on Scarif, Eadu and Jedha – and they were leaving today for their first official mission. They’d been given an old shuttle for their purposes but it was well-maintained and Bodhi was humming a contented little tune under his breath as he checked everything out.

He almost didn’t notice the clanging footsteps but it was the sheer impossibility of what they were that suddenly sunk in and made him stop and whirl around to see… K-2SO standing in the entrance to the shuttle. He wasn’t the only one staring in surprise and even Chirrut was frowning curiously, though Bodhi didn’t know if it was about K-2SO or because the rest of them had gone very silent and the atmosphere was suddenly very charged with tension.

“Well, this is awkward,” K-2SO said sourly. He turned to look down at Cassian, who was just sliding past him into the shuttle. “You didn’t say it would be awkward.”

“I said you were dead,” Cassian replied. “What part of seeing you again wouldn’t be awkward?”

Bodhi noticed that only Cassian seemed entirely relaxed about this. In fact, Cassian not only looked relaxed, the edge of tension that had been lingering around him since he’d woken up had all but disappeared.

“I was expecting surprise, elation, happy felicitations,” K-2SO said dryly as he walked into the shuttle.

“Cassian?” Jyn said slowly. “What…?”

Cassian stopped and chewed on his lip. “Kay had a full back up stored here on Yavin IV. He did it before we left for Scarif. He doesn’t remember anything we did there.” He shrugged. “I just needed someone to get an Imperial KX droid for me so I could reload him.”

“That’s…” Jyn began before stopping because she couldn’t find the right word.

“Weird,” Kay said blandly. “I went with weird. And you could have gotten a better droid, Cassian. This one was poorly maintained. I feel like I have sand in my joints. You know I hate that.”

Cassian looked almost cheerful when he replied, “We can fix that.”

“Good.” Kay stomped forward and sat down in the co-pilot’s seat. “Are you coming, pilot?”

Bodhi gave a start and stared at K-2SO for a moment. “Right. Yes! Yes, I’m coming.”

He scurried forward and began the pre-flight checks with K-2SO, still listening with half an ear to the conversation going on behind them.

“Why didn’t you tell us?” Jyn demanded.

“Because I didn’t know Kay had done that until I got a chance to check my messages,” Cassian replied, still sounding vaguely cheerful. “Then I had to get the droid. There didn’t seem to be a point until it was a done deal.”

“Cassian!” There was a thumping sound and Cassian yelped. “You could have told me! I was there when he died.”

Kay turned to face Jyn. “Did you miss me?”

“No,” Jyn snapped, looking a little embarrassed. “And the Stormtroopers sure didn’t either.”

“She missed me,” Kay said very smugly as he turned back.

Bodhi ducked his head to hide his grin. He heard Baze’s low chuckle and could almost feel Chirrut’s smile. “I’m glad you’re back.”

“I would say so am I but I don’t remember going missing,” Kay replied.

It occurred to Bodhi that K-2SO probably had it the easiest of all of them. He simply didn’t remember Scarif at all. He didn’t have the horrifying memories of the battle, of being injured, of thinking every moment that they were going to die. Of actually dying in K-2SO’s case.

“So where are we going?” Baze asked as the ship’s door rumbled closed. He said it firmly enough that Bodhi was fairly sure he was heading Jyn off at the pass with whatever she had been planning on doing. “They said you’d brief us.”

“Easy one,” Cassian replied with minor disgruntlement. “I’m not sure if they’re testing us or they think we’re not ready to go back out. Or both.”

“Wouldn’t they not send us at all if they thought we weren’t ready?” Jyn asked. There was an edge about her voice that said she was dropping her objections… for now… and would get back to them at the first opportunity. Bodhi winced and was suddenly glad he wasn’t Cassian.

Cassian was silent for a moment, though Bodhi was too busy with the pre-flight checks to look back and see if he was just thinking or whether he was contemplating the pending threat from Jyn. “In the past, yes. But we lost too many at Scarif and in the attack on the Death Star. Our numbers are seriously down until we get more recruits so we’re getting what they hope will be an easy mission because they need this done and don’t have anyone else.”

“Which is?” Baze asked.

“Scouting,” Cassian replied, sounding more like normal. “Yavin IV has been compromised so we need to move. We’ve got half a dozen planets to check out for suitability for a new base.”

“What are we looking for?” Chirrut paused for a moment. “Metaphorically speaking in my case.”

Baze laughed at that and Bodhi looked around curiously. Sure, what Chirrut said had been funny but he wasn’t sure it warranted that much of a laugh. Cassian and Jyn were also looking bemused while Chirrut was grinning happily. He looked very pleased to have made Baze laugh.

“Right,” Cassian said slowly before deciding to move on. “We’re looking for cave systems. Large abandoned underground structures. Old temples and the like. Anything that can be hidden from orbit or at least made to look like something much smaller and more benign. No sentient life forms by preference.”

“Are we being sent to worlds with sentient life forms?” Chirrut asked.

“We shouldn’t,” Cassian replied. “But the preliminary scouting expeditions aren’t very comprehensive. Just a quick look to see if it might be suitable. We’ve crossed worlds off the list before because there were people living there who just weren’t seen the first time. But on the other hand, we have used worlds with sentient life forms if they’re, say, on the other side of the planet.”

“How many are we going to?” Baze asked.

“Six. They’re all in close proximity to each other,” Cassian replied. “It should take us about a month all up, if nothing goes wrong.” His voice turned suddenly very wry. “Which should be enough time to make sure this whole Rogue One thing will work in the long run or whether we just got lucky.”

“Have some faith, Captain,” Chirrut said amiably. “The Force brought us together. It wouldn’t steer us wrong.”

There was a somewhat pregnant silence at that pronouncement and Bodhi decided to break it.

“We’re ready.”

Cassian came forward and rested his arm on the back of K-2SO’s chair. A faint smile graced his face as he looked at Bodhi and Bodhi struggled not to blush.

“Let’s go,” Cassian said.

Bodhi turned back to the instruments and for the second time in his life got ready to announce their call sign, though at least this time he wasn’t making it up on the spot and wasn’t going against orders.

“This is Rogue One, requesting permission to depart.”

“Rogue One, this is Control,” came over the speakers. “Permission granted. May the Force be with you.”

[suchawonderfullife]

3. Why Hansa?

I believe in divine intervention, karma, the universe giving you what you need at the right time etc. So I’d done over a year on antibiotic (abx) therapy, and seen maybe a 5% improvement (and by that I mean, I went from being unable to sit up for longer than 10 minutes at a time, to maybe on a REALLY good day I could sit up for just 20 minutes and not end up with seriously exacerbated symptoms). Abx is your mainstream treatment for Lyme. But let me make this clear, if you’re past stage one (longer than 6 months), your chances of this method of treatment actually working long-term and eradicating the Lyme are slim to none. No medical journal or LLMD (lyme literate medical doctor) or the CDC or any other organisation will admit this though. For patients who have felt better on this treatment, they often relapse once they stop or their symptoms return. So they haven’t fixed the problem and taking abx long-term is very damaging to the body. 

At the time we didn’t know any better and my Dr. as brilliant as he is, is not a lyme literate doctor, so he was learning too. There was a Dr in my city who was treating Lyme with IV antibiotics and I could have potentially got a PICC line put in. I told my Dr I would go and see him instead. He begged me not to go. He said “you are so so ill and complex, he will not understand this and it will make you worse, please don’t see him.” I’m so glad I listened to his advice. When I did oral abx with my CFS Dr, he was shocked that I couldn’t even cope with minute doses compounded especially for me. If the lowest dose of something like Doxycycline is 200mg, I would have it compounded to 25mg and I would take 1/2-1 tablet (depending in if I could cut it) every 3-4 days. When you start abx for lyme you are looking at 400mg once a day as a MINIMUM and then you steadily increase to 1000+mg per day. You then add in other abx so you’re taking a cocktail. 

You then get what’s called a herxheimer reaction. We call it herxing. This is where the bacteria that are dying, release toxins into the bloodstream at a rate too high for the body to cope and try to flush them out. So we experience exacerbated symptoms, feeling FAR FAR worse (I cannot stress enough how beyond torturous herxing is when you are already so sick). Herxing can also cause death if the die off is too great, so it is dangerous. My herxing was a living hell. Where the lyme is in your body is where you will feel it most. I have so much Lyme in my brain that I was more often than not severely depressed and suicidal, I had no control over my thoughts and my reality was often distorted. I had severe Lyme rage (it’s a real thing) and if I was a physically violent person, there would have been many holes in the walls, smashed furniture, broken mirrors, smashed phones and I probably would have hurt myself in the process. Rage at that level is all consuming and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. The soles of my feet burned so bad I couldn’t walk on them, my bones felt like they were constantly being drilled into or sawn off, I developed tremors like I had parkinson’s, vocal ticks where I would make random uncontrollable noises, I constantly felt like I was suffocating and unable to breathe, my nausea never went away, pounding headaches for days, night terrors so real I was terrified to try and fall asleep, but insomnia helped with that, night sweats where I would wake up soaked in sweat and freezing cold, my body feeling so hot like I’m living in an oven, whilst my feet are purple and stone cold and so much more. Remember I put up with this for over a year so far (2 years total). But I pushed through it, because I’ll do anything to get better. 

However it wasn’t working. At the rate I was able to cope with increasing my dose (because my herxing was so severe), it was going to take me 10 years to reach even a “normal” dose of abx and I wasn’t getting better. That’s when fate stepped in. My mum’s work colleague’s husband, worked with a man who treated himself for Lyme Disease and was now an Osteopath. Someone who CURED themselves of Lyme, holy shit!!!! I had to talk to this guy. He ended up calling me one night free of charge to give me advice. I remember being so ill I wasn’t well enough to hold the phone, comprehend what he was saying and physically speak, but I had to push myself because I wouldn’t get this opportunity again. He gave me the most incredible advice that made so much sense, I don’t remember all of it, but it was like a lightbulb moment and he had given me hope. His approach was different to anything I’d come across (because I’d done everything mainstream from the medical world). 

He’s an osteo, a holistic doctor, so their approach to healing the body is not to just pop man-made pills to “fix” the problem. It’s about healing the body so that the body can fight for itself. It’s not about the diagnosis either, it’s about working out what went wrong in the first place to allow the disease to thrive and working to fix that. The disease is the symptom, not the cause. The advice I remember over the phone was: to never use a microwave ever again. A microwave changes the molecules in food so your body no longer recognises it as food. I now heat everything up on the stove. To turn my WIFI off at night. EMF’s (electromagnetic fields) feed Lyme bacteria, it aggravates them and Dr. Dietrich Klinghardt (a highly regarded Lyme Dr in Germany) has studies to prove this. I sleep far better with the WIFI turned off and mine and my partner’s phone MUST be on airplane mode before we sleep, or they’re not allowed to stay in the room. If your mobile is in your room when you sleep and not switched off or on airplane mode, it must be at least 5metres from your bed. I don’t have an alarm clock next to my bed anymore as that’s more unnecessary EMF’s. My parents even sleep better with the WIFI off, if they accidentally leave it one, they have a terrible night’s sleep and they’re not even sick. I also have orgonites, salt lamps and selenite towers around my house to help absorb EMF’s. He also said I must drink bone broth every day to repair my gut. 90% of your immune system lies in your gut. I already knew I had IBS, leaky gut syndrome, gut dysbiosis, multiple food intolerances and more, so repairing that damage made sense. 

I started seeing him for a treatment called bioresonance. I’m not good at explaining this treatment. But basically everything has a frequency and say a healthy human has a frequency of 103. When your body is in dis-ease, it will have a frequency far lower. Bioresonance resets your frequency to what it should be. As the Lyme has written itself in my DNA, it’s in all my cells and has programmed itself into my bodies way of functioning, it would be in my bodies frequency. I know this sounds like airy-fairy crap but honestly if you disagree I couldn’t care less. It’s the ONLY treatment that I dramatically improved with and I have at least a dozen friends who have had the same experience.

You lie on a bed and get hooked up to this machine and you just lie there for 45-60 minutes. My new Dr commented on how sick I was. He would massage my organs whilst I was hooked up to the machine and he would say my stomach was like cement. My organs were struggling to badly, the massaging would leave me in tears from the pain. Bioresonance would also make me incredibly ill afterwards. It’s what I imagined chemo to be like. I would go home so toxic, nauseaous, my head pounding and beyond exhausted. But these were a different kind of symptoms to what I had experienced with Lyme, I can’t even describe it properly, I just felt so so ill. I would go to bed and sleep for 3 hours, wake up still feeling like death, eat very simple foods, take zofran wafers and panadeine forte and just be a vegetable on the couch. It would take me days to over a week to recover from this treatment. But every time my body finally recovered, I was actually better than before. It was working. After my 3rd session I drove for the first time in 2 years. I didn’t have the cognitive ability, energy or strength to do this previously. I drove 5 minutes down the road and WALKED around our local shopping centre on my own for an entire hour. I wasn’t even able to walk from the car to the door previously, if I ever went down the shops it was in a wheelchair and even sitting up for that long was incredibly difficult. 2 months into this treatment and I was able to drive myself 20 minutes to a friends house, spend time with them for a few hours and drive home. My health continued to improve with every session and eventually the treatment didn’t make me that sick anymore. 

He also weaned me off my abx as they were proving of no benefit to my body. I found out about essential oils. Did my own research and started using them. Shortly after signing up to a company, my Dr. told me he had heard good things about oils too and joined the same company. I can’t say much about essential oils as legally they have this red tape where they cannot promote any sort of healing. This is why mainstream medicine LOOKS like the best option, because holistic and natural options are not allowed to promote any kind of healing or benefits they provide. I will say they are phenomenal and I couldn’t recommend them enough, they are the second biggest contributor to helping me on this journey. 

I changed my diet to eating organic, drinking bone broth and having fresh cold-pressed juice daily. Cutting out all my food intolerance foods and eliminating refined sugar also helped significantly. My Dr. also makes his own fermented probiotic which I would have a shot of every morning. It tastes disgusting. Doing all of this to help repair my gut made a huge difference. When I eat something I shouldn’t I feel far worse and when I eat sugar it affects my brain and I become very moody and angry. Caffeine makes my adrenals crash so I drink decaf as a treat sometimes. If you can’t afford an entirely organic diet, you get organic meat before fruit and veg. Saving for my treatment I haven’t been able to afford organic food for over 9 months now and I’m really looking forward to being able to buy it again. 

My Dr. informed me of how stress is toxic to my body. Stress emits chemicals in the body that weakens us, and for a chronically ill person, we simply cannot handle this change in bad chemistry. So I’ve learnt to cut people out of my life, set firmer boundaries and avoid drama as much as possible, because it is simply not worth my health. It’s no one’s responsibility but yours to understand this either. I have broken up with partners, ended friendships and even cut off extended family members because of their behaviour, treatment of me or choices. They need no explanation from me either, because more often than not they won’t “get it” and it’s very hard to change people. Moreover, as I’m an empath, I absorb other people’s emotions and stress. I’m a great target for people dumping their problems on me. Don’t get me wrong, I care about people and want to help, but I had a few relationships that were one-sided, where the person would vent or dump their problems on me, talk about themselves and that’s where the conversation would cease. To me that’s not OK. I was honest with these people and either asked for space or set new boundaries for our relationship. Many chronically ill people are empathic, so knowing this is important. 

1 year of bioresonance and I was heading towards 70% health. Life was looking great. But I had a few stressors in my life, a few relapses in health and I seemed to settle around 50% health. Some days I might only be at 20% and other days I might be lucky to hit 70%. So at this point you would call me a “high functioning Lymie.” I’m still quite sick, but I no longer look sick. I can’t work or study, but I can complete basic tasks for myself most days. I can maybe leave my house once or twice a week for a social catch-up or to run some errands, but I will feel worse the next day and have to spend it lying on the couch. Majority of my energy goes towards simply caring for myself, showering, preparing food, cooking, house work, grocery shopping, sorting out medications, completing errands and then on a good day I might have a little energy spare to go out for a few hours, play the piano for 30 minutes, walk my dogs for 15 minutes or chat to a friend on the phone. 

Some days I can’t even get dressed, have a shower or speak (which sucks because I LOVE to talk). My health is incredibly unreliable and inconsistent. This is what frustrates me. I just can’t get above 50% health. I’ve had seriously scary relapses in the last few years too, where I’ve spent weeks bedridden, unable to care for myself and thinking “is this it? Is this where I go downhill and don’t get better?” I’m terrified of that. I can’t travel, contribute to society in all the ways I so deeply desire, have children, exercise or do anything relatively “normal” without it causing significant payback. I have to calculate how much energy every activity would cost me and I often have to for-go important gatherings or events because I’m not well enough. If I have 2 friends’ celebrating their birthdays on the same weekend, one on a Friday night and one on a Saturday night, I have to pick one. I couldn’t do both. And even then, I don’t know until the last minute if I can actually attend. Often I pick my event and then can’t even go to that. If friend’s and family want to make plans ahead of time, this makes me incredibly anxious, because I worry my health won’t be good enough and I’ll have to cancel last minute. This creates a lot of stress and guilt. I’m very grateful for the people in my life that tell me it’s OK if I cancel last minute, but I still feel guilty and disappointed to miss out on spending time with them. It’s not a CHOICE for us to isolate ourselves and be stuck in our beds or couches alone, feeling like crap. 

Even the other night I wanted to go out for dinner with my parter, but I woke up so sick and had a terrible day. I rested, ate healthy food and put oils on that usually help my symptoms of fatigue and nausea. But I felt no better. I was stressed and trying to “find” the energy to go out. I changed my clothes, decided against trying to put makeup on and just tied my hair up. Walked into the lounge room and just felt 10x worse from those activities. It was a battle in my mind for 10 minutes on deciding whether to push through or admit to my partner I wasn’t well enough. He’s very flexible and supportive so he was fine to stay home, but I felt so disappointed and annoyed at my body for not being able to cope. All I needed it to be ok with was driving 20 minutes down the road, sitting in a restaurant for 90 minutes and driving home. I just wanted a nice meal with my partner, holding hands, looking at each other, talking, and I couldn’t do that. This kind of disappointment is something I deal with often. 

So 1 year ago I decided that this inconsistency was just doing my head in. I’m fed up. I want a life. I remember at 5% health I begged the universe (or god, whatever your beliefs are) to get me to just 50% health, so that I could function a little and have some sort of a “life” and I would be so grateful. I got there. But this is not living, I still feel like I’m merely existing, with a little bit of joy or distraction from time to time. That’s when I started to look into more “extreme” treatment options. Australia and what is has to offer is not working for me. I will never get better if I keep trialling the limiting options is has to offer for a disease it deems does not exist and it therefore cannot comprehend the complexities of. 

[morningpages-louise]

september 08, 2018

Hello i am writing from cebu, yup, still here, hanging tight lol its 12:12 wew on september 8, a friday night. i'm home, ofcourse. candy, sweet adorable candy who has just gotten a haircut is sitting in front of me in the black lazy boy we've had for years. i'm enjoying listening to my tunes on my mom's bluetooth beats headphones. it's noise cancelling and the sound is quite impeccable but im quite scared someone will try to sneak up on me and read my thoughts and judge me so im currently trying to balance my laptop perched on my left thigh. I just finished watching a couple of youtube videos, but my mind was racing on other things, such as the stuff i have yet to do. lol im literally the worst.. i literally had 2 weeks to do nothing but these tasks and i have failed. i haven't even watched my darn underwear. so now im feeling the pressure of time and i have to choose between relaxing myself and enjoying my last few moments with my family and my work and professional life huhu its okay. imma try my best to balance it. i recently got work as a transcriber, easy peasy, but i can't even focus on that cause like my priorities man. first its with my fam, then my next priority is time to prepare for my OS in AIESEC. So the job is pretty much my 3rd priority. and then i also have to think about the NYC itinerary. uhm, im okay. im also a shit person for putting these all off. during the start of the break we always think we have more time than we actually have. im sad that i only got the groove of things now, when its too late. SADNESS. pero okay lang. im going to miss mornings where i wake up and can literally just spend hours scrolling through my phones cause like no responsibilities. and im going to miss going down and seeing muffin and candy but alas i might go. i always feel more productive when im in manila. like when im in cebu i feel like im being sucked in a hole of unproductivity cause i want to spend as much time with my family, but when im in manila its just like work work work. it could be the hustle and bustle of the city but its good, at doeses. we should always make sure to find time to deflect and just chill the fuck out. i think i will continue my guava pass next next week, after the wedding because for sure i wont have time to do it while the wedding is going on. i guess that's what makes the fact that im going to manila so soon not so bad, in terms of homesickness. nikki and my mother will be flying to manila next friday for the wedding so that's great. ugh i will also miss ofcourse watching terrace house with nikki and laughing at the characters, especially taishi and yusuke. i will miss spending time with my beautiful mother who i love so dearly. watching cat creature's video vlog of her stay in paris with her mother made me hope that one day i will be fortunate enough to earn a salary and raise enough money to bring my mom to places she's always dreamed of travelling to. ugh that would be beautiful. i cherish my mother even though at times i may not show it. i love her dearly. i love her so much. so yeah im feeling pressured af because nikki is also having the same job as me and she is already working, meanwhile im just trying to live. i also have to think of my mentrep idea. maybe i will just choose not to sleep tonight? lol okay with me as long as im productive lol this toxic schedule i did not really miss. i really need to piss. but yes. maybe i shall end this note with what im grateful for since its been a while since ive shared. honestly i love how relaxed my stay here is but im also excited to get in the groove of things. im excited for a fresh new start once again. this term, i will work hard and give it my all. i will grow. it's like the last leg of the year so let's make it a home run and make it a year to remember shall we? i have a good feeling about the next few months to be honest.. let's do this senior year. omg i just realized. how fast time flies. throwback to my frosh days huhu dani sent me a photo of my frosh self in lpep and im just shookened. by the people ive met, the opportunities ive gotten and where i am now. 3 years ago today, i was a totally confused froshie who didnt know where yuch or sj building was. i wanted to get out of the block system so badly because i didn't feel like i had a solid group at that time. everything was so new. i was dying in college algebra. i was hella homesick. and now im here, wishing i were in manila instead of here because manila has become home. looking back at it now, i feel like im still that same person but maybe its always like this you know. we always feel like we're the same person. it's not until we take a step back and look at ourselves that we see how much we've changed. it's insane. maybe i havent changed as drastically as my friends, aka kris and kathy lol but i know i have changed in some ways. im more responsible. i have a somewhat clearer vision of what id like to do in life. i know what's important to me. its crazy. i wish my present self could meet my frosh 17 year old self and show her just what college will be full of. she could guide her on what to do like study fucking algebra its not that hard, tell her who the people who will fill her life with rich memories are so she doesn't have to waste her time with the wrong people and tell her that it will be fine. everything will work out. it may seem like scary, untouched territory at the moment but goddamnit you will grow so much in the next 3 years. you will figure yourself out more. you will adult, as boring and unexciting as it sounds, it can actually be quite fun. ugh its insane talaga. i guess i am grateful for everything lol so damn vague and broad. i dont know. im grateful that i always have myself to come back to. no matter how tough life may be, im here. i've always been here. i will get through anything as long as i pass through. i am here. i am aware. i am aware of everything i have. all the opportunities i have. all the things that i will one day lose and because im aware, i will not take these things for granted. because i know. i am aware. i just have to goddamn remind myself this quote all the time. i often think too much. i think its a symptom of living talaga. we're all faced with the dilemma of thinking too much and thinking quite unnecessary thoughts at that damn these mosquitoes ruining my mojo but yes. we must learn to roll with life's punches and live goddamnit. revel in happiness and live. flow with life. constant reminders we must always remind ourselves. so yes. im grateful that i am here and i am aware of all that i currently have and will soon have. thankyou. thankyou thankyou. what i am not grateful for is mosquitoes goddamnit.

[ulyssessklein]

Addiction, Recovery, and the Power of Music: Ricky Bryd’s Clean Getaway

How music can offer hope and possibility for addicts and addicts in recovery.

Rock and Roll Hall of Fame-inductee Ricky Byrd has been clean and sober for thirty years. Over the last few years, after a long career playing guitar for Joan Jett & the Blackhearts, Roger Daltry, Ian Hunter, and more, Ricky realized he could combine his music and recovery to create songs that are useful to people struggling with addiction.

The result is Clean Getaway, both the name of a 501(c)(3) non-profit Ricky founded to reach addicts through the connective power of music, AND a brand new album of songs related to his experience with addiction and recovery.

The music moves from energetic rock to acoustic ballads, performed with an impressive lineup of guest musicians, and the lyrics — as Ricky accurately puts it — shoot “straight as an arrow,” spare and evocative, empathetic, illustrative without being preachy, some deep and some funny, and all of them meant to show that hope and change are possible for addicts.

On this blog we’ve talked about a lot of issues that musicians regularly face, so it surprised me to find that we’ve never written an article that focuses specifically on addiction and recovery. Of course that struggle isn’t unique to the music industry, but because of the nature of performance and publicity, addiction is perhaps more on-display when it comes to musicians.

I thought Ricky’s album launch provided a good opportunity to get this conversation started on The DIY Musician Blog, so I interviewed him about Clean Getaway, his sobriety, addiction, and how music can show a path forward.

I’d love for any musician that needs a place to talk about addiction and recovery in their own lives to please feel free to join the conversation in the comments section below.

An interview with Ricky Byrd about addiction, recovery, and music

CR: Before we talk about your new music, can you talk about what Clean Getaway does?

RB: Yeah, the centerpiece is always music. My dream is to go across the country in a tour bus that says “Have Recovery, Will Travel” on it.

And let’s say I start in New York and I travel with a rhythm section, with Liberty DeVitto maybe who played with Billy Joel, or maybe Kasim Sulton — Kasim’s also in the clean club, and he played with me with Joan and he’s out with Don Felder now, and he played with Meatloaf and Todd Rundgren of course. So let’s say it’s just me and a rhythm section and we go to Austin to play at a school or a treatment facility or an outdoor sober-fest benefit for some local outpatient thing, so I call Bobby Whitlock from Derek & the Dominos who lives in Austin, and say “Hey man, we’re doing this thing; you want to jump on board?”

And the album is the set list, really. And no matter where I go there’s musicians to call upon. If I go to LA, there’s Michael Des Barres. I mean Slash is in the club too. Alice Cooper. There’s a lot of people who are public about their recovery. A lot of the people I know don’t mind talking about it. We didn’t mind everybody seeing us drop-dead high, so we certainly don’t mind everyone knowing we’re clean.

CR: So every town has the chance to see a slightly different presentation of this music…

RB: Yeah, that’s one way to go.

And the other thing is I have three variables. It could be just me. And then when I add another person in recovery I call it my Recovery Troubadour Series, and I’ve actually done a couple of those. I did one with Mark Hudson. I did one with Kenny Aaronson, and with those shows I play these songs on acoustic, and with the other person we do it like a Nashville songwriter-in-the-round thing. I do one song, tell a little story about the song or about my recovery, and then he or she does something; so that’s the second thing.

And then there’s all different sizes of the band, and it could be a full band. If you go on the Clean Getaway site, you see the all stars. I just say “Hey man, if we ever do something near you and you’re available, you want to do something?”

So it’s all different variables. Now the key to this is I have to raise money to do it, because obviously it’s not going to be cheap. It’s cheap if I just go solo or we do the Recovery Troubador Series, but when you start bringing a whole band then you have production and other expenses. So, it’s about bringing in sponsorships.

I did something two years ago up in Torrington, Connecticut, which has been hit really hard — as has every place — by the heroin epidemic. So it was a beautiful theater, the Warner Theatre, from the 1920’s, and there’s a treatment center there called the McCall Foundation. They’re a non-profit and a really great treatment center, so we did a benefit. I pulled together an all-star band. I got Bonnie Bramlett from Delaney & Bonnie. She drove up from Nashville to do it. And what we did, you get sponsorships and they pay for the expenses, and then the ticket sales go to whatever charity you’re giving to. And that’s really the model of how we do it. And that’s what I want to do over the next couple years, to be this bombastic traveling sober circus, and do it for awareness, to raise money.

Sometimes it’s cool just to do a concert so people can see you can have a great time being clean. That’s the message. “Dude, you don’t have to be doing this.”

So that’s for awareness. And then there’s going to schools and talking to kids before they’re addicted. Once somebody is deeply addicted it’s a difficult thing to make them change. The only way to do it is to get them when they’re at their lowest, when they’re fragile, and try to get into that soul and try to convince them. Because when somebody’s on a run you can’t get them to stop. It doesn’t work that way. So I get to play at detoxes and treatment facilities on my own, and I just go with my acoustic and I do recovery music. I try to get them when they’re in a spot where they know they’re in a pickle. And I play these songs that were all written by an addict for an addict. So they relate. And after three songs, I say, “Man, did you get any of that?”

And they say, “Man, that’s my story!”

So I know I’m on the right track. And the other thing is, it’s best to try to get to kids beforehand. Prevention. Maybe eight months ago I went to Seattle. I went to a juvie center, I went to two high schools, and I just sat there with my acoustic and told a bit of my story. I said “Hey, you guys are probably too young to remember my band Joan Jett & the Blackhearts I played with back in the 1980’s, but you all know the song I Love Rock ‘n’ Roll, right?”

And they’re like, “yeah, yeah! We do.”

I say, “Well lemme tell you a story.”

And then they all love it. And I play these cool songs. I don’t play I Love Rock ‘n’ Roll though. That’s not in my set. But my angle is I’m this rock-n-roll guy. I’m in the Rock Hall of Fame, and I come stumbling into this school and I’ve got my guitar and I play these gritty, straight-to-the-heart kinda tunes.

That’s what Clean Getaway is. And if we can get benefactors to help pad our piggy bank, then I don’t have to go around looking for funding, because there’s a whole stigma with addiction. If it were raising money for cancer or for kids with issues, you know people reach into their pockets. But once you start talking about drugs and alcohol it becomes a different animal and there’s a stigma attached. Not with everybody, because it’s such a big problem right now and people are waking up and they’re seeing what’s going on. But some people think, “Hey man, you chose to live that life.”

It’s like, “No, man, you just don’t get the disease concept, do you?”

So my answer to those people every time they say that, it’s like, “Would you go into a hospice with your dad hooked up to tubes with Stage IV lung cancer — because he smoked three packs a day for forty years — you know, and look him in the eye and say hey man, you had a choice to smoke those cigarettes; that’s the way it goes, man.”

If you can do that, you come back and talk to me. Addiction is addiction.

So as you’re presenting this show, is the healing and outreach component solely in the songs and stories you’re sharing, or are you sticking around talking to people afterwards one-on-one?

Absolutely. Sticking around. Talking to people. Taking pictures. Signing whatever they want. There’ll be tables with educational stuff. I’ll bring along a professional to talk to the kids on the clinical side a little bit. Yeah, there’ll be all of those things.

That’s the whole point, to bring a traveling circus. You come see some great music. The music is all about addiction and recovery, hope, and possibilities, and then there’ll be tables with pamphlets, treatment options, education about drugs and alcohol, people to talk to about it. Because at this point, everybody you see has a story; they’ll come up to you and say, “Man, my cousin OD’d three times and seventeen detoxes.”

And I get calls all the time because people know I do this, and they say, “Hey man, there’s this guy I know, he’s a guitar player; he’s really addicted to Oxi.”

And then I make a phone call and I say, “Look, I’ll turn you onto the right people. I can’t point you to a place, but lemme put you in contact with someone who knows more about that side of it than I do.”

I mean, I know people who run sober houses. But that’s the thing, anything we do we have to really vet well because there’s so much corruption going on in the recovery industry.

Really?

Oh, it’s crazy. Look what’s going on in Florida with all the places closing and the dirty doctors and the pill mills selling bags of Oxi to dealers, and they turn around and sell it on the streets to kids at school. Bad treatment facilities that are like a revolving door, and they use the insurance system to make a lot of money, and they open these sober houses where people run free, and ya know, it’s a small percentage, but they’re out there, and unfortunately people are dying in those places. It’s all about the money.

So with Clean Getaway, before we do anything for anybody, I go there personally. I bring somebody. We vet the place.

So regarding addiction and musicians, I feel like there’s this perception that artists are more prone to addiction. Do you think that’s true or is it just that artists are more in the spotlight?

The latter. The latter. Listen, I put records out but I’m not actively in the music business per say like Jay-Z or something, so I’m not sure what’s going on now, but I know how it was — it’s all money.

So back in the day when album sales are huge, and a band like Aerosmith would sell a bunch of records, executives turned a blind eye. If you had a record advance, there’d be another $50k on there for drugs. I mean, not everybody. But people we know about that we’ve read about… who either died or got clean.

So I think there was a lot more leeway back then, but it’s just as bad today in the garment industry, or in schools, or across the board. It’s everywhere, ya know? It’s just that we read about it or we see on TMZ something about Lamar Odom or Lindsay Lohan or Robert Downey Jr. It’s just that we’re in the public eye. So I think “Is it more accessible?” maybe back in those days, drugs and alcohol were more accessible in some circles, and you’re on the road and everybody wants to get you high because everybody wants to hang with the band. So it might have been more accessible then to some degree within music, but today anybody can get anything at any time, day or night.

I know that’s the way people see things. And let’s face it, when I was a kid and started listening to rock and roll and reading rock magazines, I’d read about Keith Richards or Jimmy Page and they always had a bottle of Jack Daniels, and they looked glamorous. But it wasn’t that glamorous, being one that had the chance to go through it. You still wind up in the room at 4am trying to go to sleep. But when you’re a kid and you’re reading that stuff and seeing the giant crowds, everybody looks so cool. Hey look, in the 1930s and 1940s when your parents or grandparents saw Humphrey Bogart smoking, everybody wanted to smoke, right? Then lung cancer comes along.

That’s what it is: you see people doing stuff on the screen or on records and think “that’s cool.”

Yeah, the myth makes it seem like the two things are naturally linked in some way.

Yeah, I don’t know. I don’t think it’s any more in the music business than anywhere else. I think you’re right, we just read about it there. But believe me, it’s in every school and business. Wall Street is notorious for drug use. And nurses that get addicted to pills, and then they’re right there with access to steal them. If you get addicted, you’re addicted, period.

So you said the best time to reach people is BEFORE people get addicted obviously, so if you had a room full of young musicians who are about to go out on tour, or be in and out of the studio, and get into that busy aspect of the musicians life, do you have coping skills you’d share, or what advice would you give them to stay grounded and not turn to drugs or alcohol?

Well, I talk to them like I talk to my 16-year-old: in the words of Steven Tyler, when you get rid of drugs it leaves more room for sex and rock and roll. So I would say the illusion that you have to be drunk or high to make great music is just that, an illusion. Has great music been made like that? Yeah. But there’s been great music by people that never got high out there as well. And there’s great artists who never touched anything and painted beautiful stuff. So I would try to get them to understand that it’s an illusion, and to not fall for peer pressure.

I read a really interesting thing in the Keith Richards biography. He said, “Some people expect me, when they see me, to be that guy.”

So when you see Johnny Depp doing that thing, that second-rate Keith Richards wobble, people expect that of Keith. But that’s the thing, he walks in doing that because people expect it, and he’s not even Keith Richards anymore. He’s pushing 70. Not to say he doesn’t have a drink and smoke pot, I don’t have a clue. But the point is that people expect to see a certain thing, so I would talk to up-and-coming musicians and say, “Lemme show you some pictures of people that didn’t make it, and you decide.”

All you can do is educate people. You can’t make them do anything. And I feel that way with my kids. All I can say is “Look, this is what I went through.”

In fact, there’s a song called “Kid” on the record that I wrote with Mark Hudson and it’s about that: “I’m not preaching, I’m just reaching out to you.”

Because nobody likes being told what to do. But if I can tell my story and say, “Here I am, I just celebrated 30 years clean and sober. I’m in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. I get asked to play with all these cool people. Why is that? It’s because they know that I show up. I do the work. I’m prepared. And I’m not gonna fall down in the middle of the set.”

So if the topic of addiction is heavily represented on the album, is it a narrative or concept album, or is recovery more of a theme?

I think it’s more thematic. Because I also wanted to get some airplay. All of the songs are the ones that I play in the treatment facilities. So the way the record came about is I’ve been doing this for three or four years going to detoxes and treatment places, and after every single one of those shows, a bunch of people would come over and say “Man, where can I get this stuff?”

And for like a year or two I kept promising that I would do a record. But I had to raise the money. sS someone suggested I do one of those online campaigns. I used PledgeMusic. I raised the money. I had the songs. And I did the record. Started in February and it’s just come out. The music is what it is: rock and roll. And the good thing is because the special guest is recovery, in a way, I can do any style I wanted. I didn’t have to stick to a genre. There’s really cool acoustic stuff; there’s some Chuck Berry kinda stuff; I covered “Kicks” by Paul Revere & the Raiders, because that’s one of the first anti-drug songs.

But the lyrics on the album are about recovery, addiction, hope, possibility. There’s a song called “Lighthouse” that’s about hope. Then there’s “Addict’s Prayer,” which is about relapse.

If you listen to the lyric of “Kicks,” he’s basically saying “Girl, you don’t have to get high. You can get your kicks somewhere else.”

There’s a song called “Better Days” that goes: “When I wake up in a cold sweat, trying to remember what I want to forget, living my life like Russian roulette…”

I’m trying not to pull any punches because I’m trying to get into these peoples’ hearts and souls. It’s like a mirror I’m trying to hold up. I went through this and I’m not preaching, but here’s the deal, bro: this is where it starts and this is where it ends. And there ain’t no other option: jails, institutions, death, or recovery.

So it’s a theme, but I want to get some stuff on the radio, because the more it’s on the radio the more people hear it. And the people that need to hear it, they’re caught between denial and surrender, and they won’t admit they have a problem yet, but they’re having problems. So maybe they’ll hear these lyrics and go, “Huh, why’s that sound familiar?”

There are a couple songs that don’t specifically mention drugs at all. One is a great rock and roll tune and hopefully I can get some people to play it on the radio: college stations, Underground Garage, and stuff like that.

So as a lyricist, was it easy or frightening to go there?

Easy as pie. I mean, I’m thirty years clean, and I’m not living in despair anymore. So I can look back at it from the outside and kinda write how I felt then and how I feel now. And basically the lyrics and the titles came easily.

If you listen to the record, the song “Broken is a Place,” it was the first recovery song that I wrote with a friend of mine, Richie Supa, and then it started from there. I brought that in and I would just tell my story and play one song. And I’d hear somebody say, “You know, I can’t stop relapsing.”

And I thought, huh, and I wrote “Addict’s Prayer.” See what I mean? Every time I went in I’d hear these people talking and we had this conversation back and forth, it was like my muse to sit down with a blank piece of paper and write about stuff.

Now I’ve got enough material for volume II.

Oh, that’s a good segue because I was wondering, besides taking this out on the road and making a bigger thing of the Clean Getaway model, what’s next? What’s after that?

So here’s the deal: I’ve been doing these music groups and I say listen, the record’s not out yet. I’m easy to find. Find me on Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, I’m right there. When you come out of this treatment facility, find me and tell me you saw me at such and such a place, and I’ll send you a copy.

That’s the thing, I’m gonna be giving this record away at treatment facilities to the patients I play to. But I’m gonna be selling it on CD Baby and all the other online sources, and I’m gonna put a percentage of those sales into Clean Getaway, and also put away some money to make the second record. From the responses, I know it’s worth pursuing. On my laptop I have fifty messages from people who heard me who said, “I have your lyrics on my refrigerator. I can’t forget that song “Lighthouse” you played.”

So I know I’m on the right track. It’s like this, if you’re a certain age and you had a broken heart from somebody ditching you, you go straight to the Al Green records. It’s the same thing with this; music heals. It’s another tool, another form of treatment. And to me it opens up doors. It makes people see what they’re going through and what they’re doing to themselves, through the lyrics. Sometimes poetry and music becomes part of our soundtrack. That’s why we relate so much to the Stones or the Beatles, or Kurt Cobain. Whatever you’re going through, these people write lyrics about and it becomes something you refer to no matter how old you get.

It’s a part of you…

Yeah, it’s always a part of you. So I kinda stumbled into this. Thirty years clean and I never really thought to combine music and recovery, and I got calls to do these benefits at treatment facilities with big all-star bands with Chad Smith, and Simon Kirke, and Elliot Easton —and people would come over and say, “I grew up listening to you; it’s so cool that you’re clean.”

And a light bulb turned on over my head, and I said maybe I can somehow use what I do with music and turn it inside out to heal people, or at least get them to where they’re willing to go for treatment. Because we have a saying, “We’re lucky we have the gift of desperation.”

That’s when you’re finally willing to do what you need to do to get clean. The gift of desperation, it’s like, “I’m about to die.” And hopefully you have that little window of opportunity when somebody’s in the right place at the right time and says or does something that makes you go, “Hmmm, maybe this isn’t the way to live?”

Yeah, I saw some of the testimonials on your site and it definitely seems like… it’s working, which must be so gratifying to know your creativity is being put to some good use beyond just entertainment.

Yeah, it’s great. And as a songwriter, it’s like wow, that’s what a songwriter always wants. You want to touch people. You want to make people either laugh, cry, or think. You don’t want to just put out a song that’s crap, and there’s lots of those. They don’t really say anything.

In this venue, I bleed over these lyrics. Every lyric has to strike like an arrow, and I have some funny ones. “Paranoid,” or “I Prefer Wakin’ Up… to Comin’ To,” they have some humor. Because I can look back now and laugh. And that title I got from someone who said, “You’ve got three decades of sobriety. Why do you still do those things? Go to meetings, and such?”

And I said, because I prefer waking up to coming to. And my brain said, “That’s a song title there.” So I put some rock and roll music behind it and there you go, it’s on the record.

You can check out that record today on CD Baby or any of the popular download and streaming platforms.

For more information about Ricky Byrd and Clean Getaway, visit their website.

The post Addiction, Recovery, and the Power of Music: Ricky Bryd’s Clean Getaway appeared first on DIY Musician Blog.