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wildfangz · 6 years

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@liliithvatore tagged me in that simself thing thats been goin around DAYS ago but here it finally is! also thank you for the tag this was fun :-]

I tag @slythersim @thelurgoyf @seoulchii @weicyn @solitasims @daisydezem @raha-plays-the-sims if they want to do it & anyone that just wants to do it in general! message me and I’ll even @ u directly if u want.

anyway lets DO THIS shitload of questions under the cut u’ve been warned!!!

1. what is your name?

julian

2. what is your nickname?

jewel, jules

3. birthday?

oct 26th

4. what is your favorite book series?

percy jackson and the olympians will probably always own my heart & soul

5. do you believe in aliens or ghosts?

yes & yes. tho i do think a lot of alien sightings and conspiracy theories and what not are bullshit

6. who is your favorite author?

maggie stiefvater probably? also cornelia funke but its been years since ive read anything by her so i cant be sure BUT i loved inkheart & the thief lord so much

7. what is your favorite radio station?

ummm when i listen to the radio at all i kinda just switch between two rock stations and our popular music station.

8. what is your favorite flavor of anything?

blue raspberry !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! tasty and i love a blue tongue

9. what word would you use often to describe something great or wonderful?

cool. or bitchin’. i play it simple

10. what is your current favorite song?

hands like houses - revive

11. what is your favorite word?

roulette and inhibition which i never get to use either as much as i want !

12. what was the last song you listened to?

emarosa - givin’ up ! its a bop!

13. what tv show would you recommend for everybody to watch?

the new she-ra on netflix its so good. and gay

14. what is your favorite movie to watch when you’re feeling down?

moana. its also like the only movie i dont have trouble getting thru despite how many times ive already seen it

15. do you play video games?

16. what is your biggest fear?

idk... being inherently unlovable i guess n ending up alone? also spiders !

17. what is your best quality, in your opinion?

im fairly open-minded and laid back. Unless someones being like, purposely nasty or something I generally don’t get defensive or aggressive. also a lot of little quirks that piss others off dont bother me im very u do u as long as its not actually harming anyone and ive had people tell me this makes it easier to open up to me so thats probably my best quality....

18. what is your worst quality, in your opinion?

....at the same time though i do get very sensitive when faced w/ criticism even if its of the fair variety when its not phrased really gently for various reasons and i dont like that. especially since I have a tendency to not even talk to people about it. I’ll just immediately start distancing myself. also other than that i think overall I have a really high tolerance lvl but if you cross that line I hold a grudge like a motherfucker

9. do you like cats or dogs better?

cats! dogs are good too but cats are a lot easier for me to handle...and quieter generally but even when they’re loud cat sounds dont get to me quite as much as barks do

20. what is your favorite season?

autumn but im starting to really like summer for some reason? wack :/

21. are you in a relationship?

nope

22. what is something you miss from your childhood?

the lack of responsibility, probably. that sounds real bad lmao but for me its like...I know I’ve grown in various ways over the years but I also feel like so many of my experiences, my trauma, my mental health has held me back and I don’t think I’m mentally where I should be for my age. so all the responsibility of adulthood is just..really overwhelming for me sometimes, even though ive been given a pass from certain aspects of it and the rest is pretty simple its the idea!!!!

23. who is your best friend?

my ex

24. what is your eye color?

25. what is your hair color?

26. who is someone you love?

my mom

27. who is someone you trust?

not really anyone rn unfortunately...would like 2 work on that

28. who is someone you think about often?

are my OCs a fair answer because i am always thinking about my babies.....

29. are you currently excited about/for something?

my favorite webcomic (that also has two of my all time favorite characters in it) just came back!! the artist disappeared back in 2015 like the day after I binge-read the whole fucking thing & i was so disappointed but its BACK and 2018 has been redeemed

30. what is your biggest obsession?

sims probably! i could talk about anything relating to it for hours

31. what was your favorite tv show as a child?

there were so damn many its hard to even think and figure out the most notable ones...i really, really liked teen titans though?

32. who of the opposite gender can you tell anything to, if anyone?

my ex, again

33. are you superstitious?

not terribly so but somewhat. I take certain things as signs and I mean I do believe in astrology & such to a degree

34. do you have any unusual phobias?

i used to be afraid of mirrors but thats all i can think of and its not even a thing anymore...the only other thing is tornadoes but i dont think its unusual. but it definitely sucks for me ‘cause i live in tornado alley!

35. do you prefer to be in front of the camera or behind it?

behind it....like taking pretty pictures and dont like ppl capturing my image 2 film

36. what is your favorite hobby?

sims.....also singing!!! and drawing!!!! video editing!!!!!!!!! the works

37. what was the last book you read?

The Dream Thieves....havent finished it though because last time i went to read it a spider was lying in wait and im traumatized

38. what was the last movie you watched?

coco i think???

39. what musical instruments do you play, if any?

drums, various other percussion instruments, and violin mainly

40. what is your favorite animal?

ferrets!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

41. what are your top 5 favorite tumblr blogs that you follow?

uhhhhh @bratsims @liliithvatore @cabsim @wildlyminiaturesandwich @keysims pls dont feel bad if i didnt include u these were just the first to pop into my head and ive been following some of them since I first made my blog!! and have kept up with their stories completely and enjoy them etc check them OUT !

42. what superpower do you wish you had?

shapeshifting!!! dysphoria? gone. ugliness? gone. want to morph into a fucked up clown and scare people when they realize all the classic clown features are a real actual part of my face? possible!

43. when and where do you feel most at peace?

chillin’ at the pool in summer during the part of the day when no ones there.... swimming is always relaxing 2 me then i love just resting under the sun and drying off afterwards especially since we have a little pond nearby and i can hear the water! its nice

44. what makes you smile?

always and without fail? interacting with anyone i have a crush on. i’ll look like a dope the whole time

45. what sports do you play, if any?

i used 2 play basketball a lot. Like not seriously but it was a thing

46. what is your favorite drink?

dr pepper and monster energy (original flavor) pumps through my veins at this point. we love a carbonated beverage

47. when was the last time you wrote a hand-written letter or note to somebody?

two years ago for my ex and I’s first year anniversary... I never got it mailed but I did at least take a picture of it (with included caption because my handwriting is atrocious). i was very up front about being a romantic and see heres the PROOF

48. are you afraid of heights?

nope! very excited by them actually

49. what is your biggest pet peeve?

i cant stand passive aggressive behavior. my stance is either get over it or quit acting like a bitch because otherwise im just going to ignore you thats the scorpio way (in all seriousness I really, really do recommend not putting up with it and ignoring it until they decide to be up front with you. it can be exhausting constantly reading into conversations and its not healthy for you or them. if they have something to say they need to learn to talk about it properly, and that lack of social skills is not ever on you)

50. have you ever been to a concert?

yep! i think about....six or so? i love them...which is really funny im autistic and EVERYTHING about them should freak me out and they do in other circumstances but at a show i just live for it

51. are you vegan/vegetarian?

nope! ive thought before id like to go vegetarian...but i couldnt do it with my health problems. also i love shrimp too much

52. when you were little, what did you want to be when you grew up?

ive always wanted to do something creative! when i was rlly young I thought a lot about singing and acting and writing in particular...all things im still interested in.... also i wanted to be a dictator ages 4-7 because i told my mom i wanted to be president of the world and make people do what i say and she said “honey thats a dictator not a president”. i then made that known at school and that turned into a situation!

53. what fictional world would you like to live in?

pokemon universe or bust.

54. what is something you worry about?

never being able to do things i want to do or catching up with others because of my disabilities

55. are you scared of the dark?

yes but a reasonable amount i think

56. do you like to sing?

yes :]

57. have you ever skipped school?

yes i used to play sick a LOT and as my parents caught onto it id even go all out to convince them. i was good at school but i hated it so much

58. what is your favorite place on the planet?

dunno! malls maybe i love shopping and looking at material objects i wish to own

59. where would you like to live?

oregon! portland in particular thats been my dream for a few years now

60. do you have any pets?

a cat! he lives with my dad & grandma though...hes grown up there and likes going outside so I felt bad about taking him with me when i moved out but anyway this is him hes fat and stupid and i love him his name is coffee

61. are you more of an early bird or a night owl?

night owl because my rhythm is all fucked up but in my heart....an early bird...if i get a good nights sleep i’ll be up early yacking your ear off and so excited for the day

62. do you like sunrises or sunsets better?

sunsets are prettier...but sunrises feel more refreshing

63. do you know how to drive?

nope ! im gay !

64. do you prefer earbuds or headphones?

headphones. better sound quality also discourages people from talking to me slightly more

65. have you ever had braces?

nope! but i need them

66. what is your favorite genre of music?

post-hardcore maybe?

67. who is your hero?

every trans person living their truth and being open and loud about who they are past present & future. the worlds not particularly kind to us and our existence alone is considered a radical act, so its always given me hope to see others refusing to pretend to be someone they’re not in this environment and I’ll always have mad respect for that

68. do you read comic books?

i read manga and webcomics...ive always wanted to get into superhero comics but the amount of issues and different versions is ridiculous and makes it inaccessible 2 me

69. what makes you the most angry?

i mean its hard to pinpoint what makes me angry the MOST...but a contender is definitely how some people feel free to treat others with cruelty and think its their god given right to deny or attack someones existence in some way, & how acts of kindness, even the most basic are branded as liberal bullshit or whatever....it goes against everything i was taught growing up

70. do you prefer to read on an electronic device or with a real book?

real book! electronic device can be easier but....rough on the eyes after a while and nothing beats the real thing for me

71. what was your favorite subject in school?

language arts...at least when we did creative writing stuff

72. do you have any siblings?

two older sisters & an older brother that passed away years ago but. still my brother u kno

73. what was the last thing you bought?

mocha frappe baby!!!!!

74. how tall are you?

5′4″

75. can you cook?

a little bit....not as much as id like to though but im learning

76. what are three things that you love?

storms, cheesy breadsticks, and cat purrs

77. what are three things that you hate?

unnecessary rudeness, being talked down to or generally treated like im stupid, grapefruit which is the worst thing on this list

78. do you have more female friends or more male friends?

female i think?

79. what is your sexual orientation?

im the big bad promiscuous bisexual your parents warned you about

80. where do you currently live?

oklahoma. gofundme campaign to get me out

81. who was the last person you texted?

my friend jojo! just Now!

82. when was the last time you cried?

yesterday afternoon but im a changed man now thats behind me. i will cry about different things soon

83. who is your favorite youtuber?

the mcelroy brothers. also super best friends play. matt, pat & woolie are all great tbh

84. do you like to take selfies?

depends on whether i feel ugly or terribly dysphoric that day or not

85. what is your favorite app?

ummmm....love live school idol festival ive been playin for years its an addiction

86. what is your relationship with your parent(s) like?

dad = bad mom = okay. theres some issues that strain it but its not too bad

87. what is your favorite foreign accent?

i have no idea what the fuck australians are talking about half the time but i dig it anyway

88. what is a place that you’ve never been to, but you want to visit?

Italy, Greece, Germany, Japan, Mexico, various other states (ive only been out of state three times. twice to texas and then once to kansas. for five minutes)

89. what is your favorite number?

6!! 26 also

90. can you juggle?

ive always wanted to but alas.... :-[

91. are you religious?

i suppose...but im rlly not into organized religion

92. do you find outer space of the deep ocean to be more interesting?

space probably theres so fucking much of it man!

93. do you consider yourself to be a daredevil?

not to brag but sometimes i eat my mcdonalds hamburgers cold from the fridge so you can figure that one out yourself B)

94. are you allergic to anything?

pecans. not deathly allergic though so catch me eating turtle pie anyway!

95. can you curl your tongue?

nope :[

96. can you wiggle your ears?

nope :[

97. how often do you admit that you were wrong about something?

usually as soon as i realize....unless someones being real smug and annoying then i might be stubborn about it

98. do you prefer the forest or the beach?

ive never been to the beach but i love her!!!

99. what is your favorite piece of advice that anyone has ever given you?

probably that you have to look at your accomplishments differently when you’re disabled or just struggling, to not be so down on yourself because its a fact that what might be a mole hill to someone else is a mountain to you and you have to judge yourself accordingly. Like maybe you weren’t able to clean the whole house, but washing the dishes and tidying your desk doesn’t usually get done but you did it. That that should be celebrated because while it would also feel good if you did more, you still did something and thats great all things considered.

100. are you a good liar?

sometimes, really depends what im lying about and if im like....into it at all. If my guts against it for whatever reason I’ll have trouble

101. what is your hogwarts house?

i always get slytherin or hufflepuff! usually with like 1 point difference

102. do you talk to yourself?

i am talking to myself right now as i fill this out

103. are you an introvert or an extrovert?

extrovert mainly! i used to think i was more introverted but now i think a lot of exhaustion when theres any comes from me just going the extra mile and actively trying to read people and pick up on social ques.... if I just chill im fine

104. do you keep a journal/diary?

nope...ive tried but i just cant keep up with it so i do the next best thing. shouting into the void on the internet to a bunch of strangers

105. do you believe in second chances?

depends on what you did the first time. Some people just don’t deserve taking that risk imo...but i can be a little guarded so maybe thats a bit too harsh

106. if you found a wallet full of money on the ground, what would you do?

turn it in, unless there was no identifying things in it & it was found somewhere kinda random. Then I’d maybe hold onto it unless my gut challenged that

107. do you believe that people are capable of change?

absolutely. i mean thats all we do throughout our lives is change and evolve...that being said I think extremely drastic changes are maybe not entirely impossible, but extremely rare, and the residue of the former self usually sticks around in some form

108. are you ticklish?

yes, dangerously so

109. have you ever been on a plane?

nope

110. do you have any piercings?

one day hopefully!

111. what fictional character do you wish was real?

asra from the arcana.....even if he wasn’t my boyfriend thats just a dude u could chill and eat some pomegranates with u know. Before I downloaded the app my friends kept telling me he was made for me and he really was he ticks like everything on my Favorite Characters Feature List except villain but he has that particular allure & attitude i like so much in villains so thats not a single point off hes perfect

112. do you have any tattoos?

nope...one day! hopefully!

113. what is the best decision that you’ve made in your life so far?

accepting my genderqueerness and bisexuality definitely. Self Love hasn’t been perfected just yet but that was such a huge step in the right direction

114. do you believe in karma?

yes! she doesn’t get shit done as much as id like however

115. do you wear glasses or contacts?

glasses. not contacts yet because my eye doctor is a bitch

116. do you want children?

I do....just not sure if id be a good parent. Its really important to me if I had a child itd be for the right reason and I could raise them well in a healthy environment & be able to take care of all their needs yknow

117. who is the smartest person you know?

probably my friend jojo

118. what is your most embarrassing memory?

one time i looked outside and the sunset was really pretty and i wanted to get a photo of it so i walked out.....and stood like right by the street so there weren’t trees in my way...and then i realized mid-pic 1) i am not wearing pants & my shirt is full of holes 2) id been depressed for days so my hair was a tangled mess. I tailed it back inside so i didnt even get a nice pic it was blurry!

119. have you ever pulled an all-nighter?

120. what colour are most of you clothes?

black i didnt even have to think about that one

121. do you like adventures?

they are pretty swell

122. have you ever been on tv?

a few times when i was little. always photobombing the news reporters 4 what i thought would eventually lead 2 fame & fortune

123. how old are you?

124. what is your favorite movie quote?

this is technically lyrics to that lil song in moana at the end but

“ They have stolen the heart from inside you. But this does not define you.”

hits me hard every time! emotional impact? i know her

125. sweet or savory?

sweet!!!!!!!! gotta balance out my bitter somehow

#tag meme #about #srry if theres any weird grammar or spelling going on half of this was written when i had a monster headache #and was doing everything but laying down!!!!

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zeroacidzburnz-blog · 8 years

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Self, Worth, Gemini & the Hunt

House XII Cusp

TAURUS 1 A red garnet ring. The garnets glow. A passion for bearing ripe fruits. Feeling transported by an ongoing realization that you are in your own element, doing what you need to do and subtly fired by an inner purpose that clarifies everything. The glow of your central intent warms you through. This quality of soul is simple and direct. It makes for a primal, elemental presence. One cannot grasp complex matters in this sphere. But you know what you need to know, and you're on the beam so palpably that nothing much matters except being there. You distinctly charge the atmosphere with a pranic renewal, a source sustenance, and the whole idea is to make way for the universal life-force to stream right in and bless with its all-forgiving radiance.

Sun XII

TAURUS 3 A sleepwalker. Everything begins with an inward cast, and then if you wish to get anywhere you must go there on the inside and meet yourself there when you arrive. You feel a desire to memorize the territory of all the inner ways--to remember them, to recognize them and to be able to follow them when it counts. You feel like you've been taught in the dream state, shown everything in dreamless sleep and through dreams. You're subtly and pervasively closely accompanied by a protective guiding spirit. Held within the soul's alembic. Entrusted to the angels. Living in threshold sensitivity, attuned to the edge. Led by the spirit through darkness into light. Subliminal, enchanted, anxious, and at peace. Always searching for something more. Remembering in your soul the lost Earth ways and giving over to spirits, you belong to the infinite and wander through the finite worlds. You are like a stranger, knowing something else is at stake here. Something else is going on here. Something else is completely involved.

ASC - GEMINI 11 A stag with golden horns. Staying tuned in for further developments. You bear an expanded capacity for future vision and for picking up on the most fantastic things. Given to sunbursts of revelation or inward remembrance. Often attempting to make light of this extradimensional quality. But then there are times when it just becomes irresistible. You can only keep the light at bay so long. For here you are innately gifted with a wild array of powers and multisensory treasures, to grow into and share lavishly. The primary lesson involved lies in taking seriously and to heart what instinctively seems so natural and free and prodigal that it is just always there. When you focus and distill this cosmic awareness into something firm and clean and steady on, nobody will be able to deny that dazzling things are right here, illuminating all the missing places and restoring wholeness, just like that.

Venus - GEMINI 14 A sorcerer materializes an amethyst cross. Laws are made to be broken. Limitations are kept in place so that those who are not ready to go through radical changes in evolution will be able to locate themselves. But then there are those who cut through every limitation, break every law by the sheer power of their inner gaze, their presence, their magical will. When they cut loose, worlds that have been kept apart flood together. This is a force of awareness that seeks to bridge, to mediate, to connect, to bear messages back and forth. A mission or great task is involved: to let the future flood through and repolarize the fractured world toward wholeness. A sensibility made up of equal parts daring and skill. The daring is afraid of nothing and nobody; the skill embodies the daring in action. A perfect combination to catalyze and spark and make inevitable the cosmic forces bringing their imprint to bear upon the outer physical existence, just as though that is what we do around here and "why not?"

Vesta - GEMINI 15 People gathering salt from the ocean. There is a universal sourcespring of renewed life-forces and reawakened expanded awareness, which is on tap for those who venture there. Most characteristic of this vast realm is its common ground, free access, and broad representation. You are everybody at once converging toward sisterhood and brotherhood. The sudden, drastic, and astounding universal lifestream toward the future being there, just like that. Serendipity and chance. Fortune and synchronicity. The hundredth monkey comes to town. The only thing asked is to make way--to cast off the outer covering of separative identity and to open the path and let it flow. However, this is so easy and natural you can pass it right by and miss the chance. It takes an urgent call and a trick of destiny to reveal that as close as can be, open doors to the infinite are waiting for those who can drop the disguise and come to the party as they truly are.

II House Cusp

CANCER 5 A trap door under a rug. Getting lost and getting found. Shadowed by self all the way. Sent upon a cycle of radical externalization and almost being able to pull it off. Yet you are shadowed, haunted, bugged, and sabotaged by the strangest things. Fate speaks loud and clear and says, "You are doing all this for a purpose, and your expression is pushing so far outward for good reason. But you must remember, get sobered and humbled, be tripped up by what you don't see and won't let yourself feel." Superstitious and peripherally aware of just about everything. Concentrated upon self-intent with ferocious striving insistency. Needing to accomplish concrete external goals and needing to find them to be no longer enough. Pursuing yourself beyond the immediate drama so that soul can restore wholeness, just where persona gets swept away by how easy and natural it is to fill your world with your own ideas and sensibility.

Mars - CANCER 12 Carefully a surgeon begins the dissection of a corpse. The analytical intellect takes as its special province the after image, the recapitulative view. Second-guessing yourself, criticizing, cutting things up. You are expertly skillful at showing things the way they are on the surface--an extraordinary genius in this domain can evolve. Cooling off partisan sentiment and getting at what is there. Devoid of idealistic projections. Sticking to the facts. Designing life as an experiment in which you must pay very close attention and miss nothing. heart is cut out, the human element is eliminated. Is it an advance or a regressive loop? Do some things just have to be this way? Is the world a stark and barren place to be? And is there a path directly under this icy intellect to recover the soul in things to the mind's satisfaction and the spirit's release?

Chiron - CANCER 22 Bunches of watercress growing by a cool spring. Spacious. Making room for worlds to be born, new life to arise, the fount of existence to be tapped, the center of things to become vital again. A global sensibility, a universal dream, a brotherhood/sisterhood vision to repopulate the world with vital, fresh beings, to find the place inside that is sustaining and renewing and to give it forth abundantly. A certain spirit of destiny breakthroughs--something different previously unsuspected. Diving for the eternal waters, and here they are if they are called in at full power. The one given the task to refocus the shared aspiration to bring us all together. You have an utterly engaging quality that cannot be denied once it fully arises, with the most memorable of touches and looks. The presence of the Great Goddess force at every level, accessible if dreamed up and invited in. The cracking through at the peak time and place. All is revitalized. Everything forgotten comes on the spiral to the next octave and is released into the celebration of being.

III House Cusp -

CANCER 27 A woman giving birth to twins. Moving one way and moving another way at the same time, in the same breath, day in and day out. Inwardly compelled to take hold of given pairs of opposites and to work them by going into both and finding out how and where and why both cannot be refused, insist on being met. Captivated by your life predicament. Always seeing contradictory sides that in some ways cancel each other out. But also unfolding in multiple directions and truly born with a split karma. You have little choice but to cover all the bases, check everything out and play through each and every side of the situation. Consciously identifying with one thing at a time, but subconsciously absorbed in the other thing consistently. Prone to self-sabotage and searching for a lost path through which you can bring the polarities together, serve the whole, and yet be free within the serving and be unattached, just there to let it all come through, without making anything a burden or a self-blaming focus. The charge is removed when the opposites find each other again, and fanaticisms give way to the universal good met integrally.

Jupiter - LEO 5 A seemingly young man, but with gray hair. When different sides of the soul have developed to drastically different points, you become a strange mix, a hybrid brew. Simultaneously ancient with wisdom and vibrant with youth at best, or perhaps at once aging rapidly and still unformed. Those facets that are older and wiser have developed a greater mode of perception over long cycles of time. Those facets that remain young and unformed have not kept up with the greater awareness in the personal expression and embodiment. Therefore your knowingness is advanced, yet your performance is as a novice. The hardest part is to accept and embrace yourself as you are and to forgive and transmute what sometimes seems like a lack of courage and individual strength under fire. The only way this combination can become integrated is if the advanced witness acknowledges the unconditional value and intentions of the fledgling personal one who will flourish and start to catch up if loved and fostered. Your own inner self is the central benefactor, the one who can say "Yes," and bring life forth abundantly.

IV House Cusp

LEO 22 An alligator swims slowly through a swamp. Imperious self-command. The self, entirely conscious of its own territorial rights and privileges, exerts a presence, a force. Saturating the atmosphere with one's love, light, and intensity. Big and bright, deep and formidable. So very purposive that your every breath is conceived to be part of the master plan. Grandiose and inflated, yet into something so essential that it is very difficult to go against. It is the ingrained aura of spiritual authority and cosmic intent, linked with the heights, seeping into the depths. You become so enduring and insistent that others back out of the picture. Graphic demonstration of being here now in your element, doing what you need to do. Sinuous, suggestive, sensuous, and somewhat prone to pushing it a bit. The inner light upheld at the cost of any and all extraneous factors.

Pallas - VIRGO 6 A banyan tree that creates an entire forest. A towering stature. Containing within yourself a vast creative force that can fill the world with its diverse and multiplex awareness. You have a graphic ability to evoke, to capture, to epitomize a realm, a world, to draw it forth, to highlight it. And this then extends into many others, such that the illumination, the fresh angle is sharply relevant and universally resonant. Experiencing for yourself the wisdom of the ages, proving it out afresh by experimentation and open discovery. Piercing to the core with your fluent presence in this world. Saying in so many different ways "Here it is, here it is again. I have found it over here"--the living proof that nature is totally alive, that the creative power is everywhere, and that all of it yearns to be given voice, to be celebrated, to be acknowledged by one who can reach to the vasts and penetrate to the details and make macrocosm and microcosm one.

Moon - VIRGO 15 A man inherits a vast fortune. Aristocracy takes many forms. Whether by karmic predisposition or by bloodline or both, being granted the ultimate pedigree for serving effectively. Those who have ruled can serve. Those who have mastered can give themselves over. Those who have attained can extract the essence of what they have come to before and utterly discard the rest. Showered with blessings. Filled to overflowing with the streams of your background, you are yet definitely motivated to use all this as a springboard and not to lean back on it. You feel the impulse to renew gifts, treasures and mysteries--to revitalize the old streams, to make relevant and essential what has previously proven to be steady and enduring. And most of all, endowed with a fluency in drawing from the well something fresh and new, and being so at home in bringing it all through that you become an individual here in the midst of things, who just happens to know and be familiar with just about anything you need to access from the well that never runs dry.

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anton-chigurhs-friendo-blog · 8 years

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Credo

felix qui potuit rerum cognoscere causas,

quique metus omnes, et inexorabile fatum,

subjecit pedibus strepitumque acherontis avari [1]

~Virgil

Credo

Canto I

The Rain in Spain

“the more religious a nation”

said Ayn Rand

(due to its anti-body anti-sex thought)

“the more varied

and violently obscene

its four-letter-word repertoire—

the Spanish”

she said

“are the most obscene”

Hemingway agreed—

saying their blasphemy had to keep pace

with the austerity of their religion

and there’s that part in War and Peace

after Balashev dines with Napoleon

and the emperor asks if it’s true

that Moscow’s called Holy Moscow

as “such a great number of churches

is a sign of backwardness—

nowhere else in Europe

is there anything like it”

“I beg your majesty’s pardon”

says Balashev

“but there is Spain”

where

during the Lisbon quake

of All Saints Day

cathedrals collapsed into rubble

killing thousands—

yet taverns and whorehouses

came through unscathed

when these Spaniards stumbled upon the Americas

the Arawak brought them food

water

gifts

“with fifty men” Columbus said

“we could vanquish them….

let us in the name of the Holy Trinity

send home all the slaves

that can be sold”

but so many died on the return voyage

that he set them to mining gold—

and those who did not fill their quota

had their hands cut off

Stanley Kubrick called civilized man

an ignoble savage—

irrational

brutal

weak

unable to be objective about anything

(where his own interests were involved)

and he said that any attempt to create social institutions

based on a false view of the nature of man

was likely doomed to failure

Tecumseh’s brother

Tenskwatawa

said this civilization came to America

as a great ugly crab

vomited forth from the sea

claws full of mud and seaweed

the spawn of an enormous evil serpent

that lived under the ocean

and asked what he thought of this white culture

an Osage named Big Soldier said

“I see and admire your manner of living

your good warm houses

your extensive fields of corn

gardens

cows

horses

wagons

a thousand machines I know not the use of—

you are able to clothe yourselves

even from weeds and grass

you’ve the power to subdue every animal

and are surrounded by slaves

everything about you is in chains

yet

you are slaves yourselves

I hear I should exchange my presents for yours

yet I too should become a slave—

as for myself I was born free

raised free

and will die free”

Canto II

hos epi to polu

“know in thyself and all one self-same soul

banish the dream that sunders part from whole”

~from an anonymous Hindu poem

an individual atom may decay

today

or in a billion years

with no way of telling when

yet their behavior in large numbers

is predictable

for science must be broad in order to work—

it develops in the sense of evermore general laws

such with anthropology

Gerry Spence called it the cluster-concept—

people’s personalities

viewpoints

prejudices

come in bunches

like grapes

and if you examine one grape in a bunch

you get a good general idea

of what the rest of the grapes are like

yet generalizations have garnered an ill-reputation

for being liable to exceptions

(those shaded unions in every venn diagram)

but in the long run these anomalies

hold little bearing

as broad anamorphosic effects

are produced by the accumulation

of plethora of minuscule causes—

and subtle differences in many individuals

create huge distinctions in cultures—

sunny days in Seattle are nice

as are storms in the desert

but it takes legions of rainy days to create a rainforest

and the absence of a few

will not turn it to a wasteland

thus

playing blackjack with life’s probabilities

is not gambling

you count your cards wisely—

for generalizations oft point toward likelihoods

and the mind would be helpless without them

as in general liberals tend to be smarter than conservatives

as it takes less intelligence

to embrace stasis

than to welcome pragmatic novelty

as in general people with lapdogs

are more intelligent than those with pit-bulls

and in general people who enjoy concertos

are brighter than those who like country

as in general patrons of Masterpiece Theatre

are sharper than those who watch nascar

and in general where there is dullness of mind

there too is an excess of fertility—

science is based on observable facts

these are observable facts

Canto III

Land of Jewelers

“men never do evil so completely and cheerfully

as when they do it from religious conviction”

~Blaise Pascal

the time revolution of the 1860s

rendered the Garden of Eden

into Mesopotamia

where a left-brain farmers’ revolution

spread out in concentric circles

stretching west like kudzu

sowing seeds in its wake

that would germinate into factory labor

contractors

miners

dam-builders

real-estate developers

bankers

corporate lawyers

and CEOs

who confuse information with knowledge

wealth with security

credulity with faith

and gluttony with virtue

allowing the arithmetic of finance

to dictate profit-driven lives

that slakest still not the thirst of greed—

and as revolutions tend toward excess

holistic thinkers were cast from this garden

for the analytic western mind yields obedient soldiers

who will travel to every quarter of the firmament

to slaughter people they don’t know

over philosophies of which no one is certain

philistine weathervanes inflexible to reason

yet spinning in the tempests of popular opinion—

as the most pious Baptists

would have made the most devout Muslims

had they been but born into that faith—

when these opinions

(so often spoken of in tides)

turn against them

they swim with the current

dictating values

in the same manner they dictate fashion

giving no more thought to normative ethics

than what they wear to the office—

cookie-cutter personalities in cookie-cutter houses

shooting like invasive weeds

from once Edenic forest—

a civilization forged upon Vulcan’s anvil

and founded

(according to Freud)

upon the repression of instincts—

brimming with a false sense of security

fostered by clergy

and short-term individual self-interest

that weaves in its aftermath an elaborate latticework

of environmental degradation

fueled by men who can describe a grain of sand

in great detail

but know not

nor care

what the beach looks like

as making rent and feeding children

too often warrants mindless toil

that

ipso facto

damages the environment

and

devours time better spent on reflection

this

in a life where it takes near forty hours a week

of omnivorous reading

to even begin to understand the world

this is why Robert Frost called the brain

a wonderful organ

that starts working the moment you wake

and does not stop

until you get to the office—

and it was of this left-brain work-ethic that Thoreau spoke

when he said the most amazing thing

about the pyramids

was that so many degraded men

would spend their lives constructing a tomb

for some ambitious fool

and this side of the neocortex

responsible for logic

oddly

the side most likely to defy it

as this left-brained person is creative

in that he is imaginative enough

to allow himself to believe that which is most convenient—

for I know people in New Madrid

who think dinosaur fossils were planted

to test our faith

reminding me of another Osage

who upon getting up and walking out of a sermon

(about Jonah and the whale)

said “we know the white man will lie

but this is the biggest lie

we’ve ever heard”

and it was a Seneca

Red Jacket

who said these missionaries could make the bible talk to suit themselves

“if we had no land or money to be cheated out of” he said

“I doubt these blackcoats would trouble themselves

about our good hereafter”

yet

if the honorable light of western civilization

were run through a prism

it would split into art

music

literature

philosophy

and the science to which we attribute

a scientific method written in pencil

that invites challenge

as theology avoids scrutiny

and is stamped in ink—

ink that is bleeding into a rorschach stain

of the san marco dragon [2]

spreading exponentially

into a nightmarish reflection of the basilica

rupturing into temples for the worship of mammon

over a Venice flooded by receding glaciers

expand or expire

a Sophie’s Choice decision

a pyrrhic victory

a whitewashed tomb

Canto IV

The Beatitudes

“growth for the sake of growth is the ideology

of the cancer cell” ~Edward Abbey

people are geographically

sexually-selected biological organisms

not fallen from grace

but arisen from primordial earth

subject to the same laws of evolution

and constructed of the same cells

as every other creature—

cells that

(as Robert Pirsig so eloquently set forth)

“make sweat and snot and phlegm…

belch and bleed and fuck and fart…

piss and shit and vomit

and squeeze out more bodies just like themselves

all covered with blood and placental slime

that grow and squeeze out more bodies”

and the human brain

(being part and parcel body)

begets a mind as shaped by these laws

as are eyes and thumbs—

just as the child’s psyche

has been sculpted by eons of evolution

to want to sleep between its parents

for it was under cloak of night

that the child’s very real killers lurked—

Plato said we can easily forgive this child

for being afraid of the dark

“the real tragedy” he said

“is when men are afraid of the light”

but familiarity too blinds

and proficient perspective is a matter of distance—

as out the window unfolds the greatest mass-extinction

since the demise of the dinosaurs

whose soil was this

before Kinko’s/FedEx covered it in concrete?

whose blood spilled here?

what love lost?

and though sharp lines be often drawn at peril—

this right-brained individual

is (normally) left

and the left-brained individual

is (by and large) right

and these hemispheres of the brain

analysis – synthesis

correlate generally with the hemispheres of politics

republican – democrat

and the hemispheres of earth

east – west

socialist – capitalist—

each hemisphere viewing the world

from a distinct vantage point

thus

understanding it incompatibly

and seeing each the other askance

giving credence to the old dictum

where the dog gave meat to the ox

and the ox offered straw to the dog

and both went hungry—

as the left is equipped with a microscope

loupe

calculator

and the right with binoculars

globe

and telescope—

a telescope that has

historically

landed people in worse strife

than microscopes

(or even calculators)

for in a pedantic left-brained world

the truth will not set you free

as holistic tools produce holistic views

grounded in cynical reality

and harboring not ‘love’ of truth

(for quotidian minds

so often find it difficult to love that which is ugly)

but an innate respect for unadulterated honesty

as the suffering of great men

most reflects itself in marble busts

for the finest artists do tend toward despair—

ignorance is bliss

and depression is

far too often

a sickness for the intelligent—

but genuine progress has always stemmed

from dissatisfied people

this right hemisphere

with its inherent aversion for caution and thrift

covets a life without fletchings

generally geared toward independence

empathy

generosity

and practical simplicity

freedom – honor – things of the spirit

and an affinity for the environment—

Kant having once said that loving beautiful art

was no indication that a person was decent

but he said that seeing beauty in nature

was the sign of a good soul

and according to Aldo Leopold

though we strive for peace in our time

too much safety

yields

in the long run only danger

the left hemisphere

emits a more optimistic disposition

geared toward collaboration—

as evolving in harsher climes

necessitates alliance for survival

and a monotonous life of redundant tasks

that fosters a conservative aversion toward change—

and it is this western mind

that conceived a western cornucopia

that has poured forth its fruit out over a world

whose fate can now be calculated

by repeatedly punching the multiplication button

on a calculator

(like the king’s chessboard)

or watching the first three minutes of Mike Judge’s Idiocracy—

for the same inertia that keeps a people static

keeps them propelled along a destructive path

once thrust in that direction—

and a pendulum is inclined to swing

until it is forced to stop

one and a half billion people at the start of the 20th century

three billion by 1960

in excess of seven billion now

and over twice as many hemorrhaging forth

every month

than walked the earth at the dawn of agriculture—

to even suggest

that an unchecked geometrically swelling population

where the least intelligent people

rapidly out-reproduce the more gifted

is anything other than a prescription for disaster

is akin to denying 2 x 2 = 4

nor 4 x 4: 16

ad infinitum

yet instead of being restrained

we celebrate such behavior

with television programs like 19 Kids and Counting

where a conservative Arkansas family

breed like lemmings—

I doubt one of whom know

who Thomas Malthus even was

this

in a country where the average college student

can identify over a thousand corporate logos

yet cannot at the same time name ten plants or animals

native to his own soil

and this western mind

harbors further subdivisions

as the teutonic mind tends toward rigidity

militarism

rules and authority

in a way the gallic does not

arbeit macht frei

and it lies within the boundaries of possibility

that the holocaust could never have happened in France

and though they’ve begat their Bachs

Dürers

and Beethovens

this great germanic burden

dovetails snugly with their general excellence

as engineers and scientists—

for the more analytic mind

derives morality primarily from social pressure

and is therefore conformist by nature—

medieval Germans had a saying too

stadtluft macht frei [3]

but much has changed

and though all and sundry use both minds

every outlook is a matter of degree

dependent largely

upon which side of the cerebral meridian

the bulk of a personality dwells—

nor is it just an issue of lateralization

for there is the vertical y-axis of intelligence

creating a quadratic line-graph in which we all reside

and though deviations steer human history

the numeric strength of these general antipodes drive it

and though we cannot have larger meanings

without the small

this graph is far too heavily laden

in the lower-left quadrant

for the world to remain a sustainable biome

great minds think in epochs

small minds in increments—

for context by its very nature

always trumps text

Canto V

Pathos

“ill fares the land, to hastening ills a prey

where wealth accumulates, and men decay”

~Oliver Goldsmith

‘The Deserted Village’

Goethe called Hamlet

a fine porcelain vase

in which an acorn had been planted

so too the seed of civilization

within the ecology of this planet

for there is a swelling chemical deadzone

at the mouth of the Mississippi

and on Diego Garcia

hermit crabs live in bottle caps

as in Denmark

kittiwakes weave synthetic straw

fishing line

and plastic Q-Tips

into cliff-nests overlooking an ocean

from which Tenskwatawa said the white race

emerged as a great ugly monster

an ocean that now has 46,000 pieces of floating plastic trash

per square mile—

thinking it’s food

albatross starve with stomachs full of Styrofoam

and discarded condoms

and as I understand it

there are now Wall Street think-tanks

calculating profit margins

from the longterm effects of global warming—

as parrots in Brazilian jungles

mimic the sound of chainsaws

[1] happy the man who has learned the causes of things, and has put under his feet all fears, and inexorable fate, and the noisy strife of the hell of greed

[2] c = – 3/4 + 0i

[3] city air makes one free

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