#ive been playing this game nonstop for 5 days now

[nikonichothelas]

New brainrot has arrived

[noritoshiikamo]

this is how you fall in love

pairing: kuroo tetsuroo + fem!oc genre: friends into lovers fluff with slight suggestive end tags//warning: nothing major // slight suggestive at the end if you squint enough note: the obligatory trio of mine: not well edited, lowercase intended, english isnt my first language im sorry if i murder it. o wow look ive been posting back to back, ive been writing nonstop lately watch me ghost my stories in few weeks guys my brain = rotting, plus lately ive been feeling emotionally abuseddrained so i need something fluffy

listen to this is how you fall in love by jeremy zucker + chelsea cutler for maximum feels

“you’re a lifesaver.”

kuroo huffed, eyes rolling back with a small laugh as he unlaced his sneakers and slipped the room slipper on. it was odd to see the gymnasium without any nets or balls sprawled around. the gym has been closed for a week now in preparation for the upcoming open school event and currently under the art club’s jurisdiction. under her jurisdiction with her canvases and paints and it pained him to see her ruining his sacred place. he carried two plastic bags and holding two boba teas in the same hand. he wasn’t sure which one she was more excited for; the boba, the paints she made him ran to an art supply shop or him. she reached out, the bobas in his hand exchanged as she settled it on the floor, and she squealed at the sight of the plastic bag. he frowned.

yup, not him.

tins of different colors of paint that she ran out mid painting that she forgot to buy had her dialing his number and now it’s all here. all thanks to kuroo tetsuro. she grimaced at the price tags; it was costly than her usual one. usually, she would’ve gotten her supplies online, but desperate measure calls for desperate solution. she could always claim her expenses with the club. typical kuroo, she huffed. he always preached about getting the best, not minding the price tags but she’ll be the victim of his nonstop complaining that he’s getting broke every single day. she tucked a stray hair back and mentally counted how much she owed the man as she arranged the tins on the table.

kuroo noticed that look; same look she had when they are in the math class and he clicked his tongue, “tch, you’re not paying.”

“i’m reimbursing you with the club money,” she shook her head and reached for her bag, “please kuroo, it’s so expensive.”

he reached for her wrist and she dropped the tote bag as he invaded her space. kuroo rested the palm of her hand right above his heart, his own around the waist and another under her chin as he tilted her chin up. his heartbeat was erratic, and she flushed. “it’s okay,” he said, softly. her lips formed into a small pout and he fought the urge to just kiss her.

their dynamic is something even kenma couldn’t figure it out.

they weren’t exactly dating. they are friends, close friends, and classmates. it has always been him, her and occasionally yaku; creating the chaotic duo/trio of class 5. they both played volleyballs, both captains while he’s the middle blocker, she’s their female team’s setter. they knew a lot of each other’s friends from other schools; he was the reason why she dated akaashi keiji from the first place. it was selfish of kuroo to admit to bokuto a month after they started dating that he disliked the idea of them together. typical kuroo is no longer snarky, he felt lost, felt like he was losing his other half. so, he confided to his close friend, the simpleton ace.

“you didn’t make any moves, kuroo, you can’t blame them.”

bokuto noted as them both stared at the two setters, playing around the fallen cherry blossoms. bokuto never seen akaashi smiled that much and kuroo could only wished that she smiled the same way to him. kuroo stared at the half bitten onigiri he’d been holding, suddenly every bite he took tasted bitter. every trace of akaashi on her gave him bitter taste. she liked wearing akaashi’s jersey; kuroo longed to see her in his own numbered jersey; she’s his number one after all. her own jersey number is as same as akaashi. it’s not like kuroo could hate anything he did; he treated her well. akaashi was a perfect boyfriend and everyone knew. that’s why kuroo hates him; he gave him no reason to hate the dude. it didn’t last long however, they drifted apart 6 months later, sending her to kuroo’s doorstep soaked in rain.

he stared at her soaked figure with no thoughts in mind.

“he dumped me,” she said, voice hoarse and shivering.

he was alone and was about to leave for kenma’s, but he couldn’t leave her alone. dropping his keys on the small table by the door, he threw his jacket back in the closet. “come in,” he whispered, pulling her figure in. dropping her bag on the floor, she clutched on his sleeves as she kicked off her soaking shoes. “i’m sorry, my mom isn’t home and i can’t find my keys,” she was a blabbering mess and he hushed her. he left her for a few minutes, coming back with a steaming towel and a clean shirt and pants. “it’s from the dryer. you can borrow my sister’s clothes,” grabbing her hands, they ran upstairs where he took her to the bathroom. she was too quiet, so he called her name. when she looked up to him, her eyes were red. she was no longer crying, more confused and upset. her cheeks flushed and he could see her teeth chattering. he wished nothing but to throw his fist at the man. finally, he got a reason to square up the stoic man; he always hates the way nothing could riled up akaashi.

“he’s stupid for doing you like this.”

she shook her head, “it’s nobody’s fault.”

“then stop blaming yourself,” he ruffled her hair, a small smile appeared from the corner of her lips as she watched him disappeared closing the door behind him. he left her with the hot water running, urgently grabbing the mop and bucket from the kitchen, and wiping the trail of her soaked feet has left before it could ruin the wooden floor.

cant come over, busy, ill tell u later

kuroo texted kenma. the pudding head left him on read.

they spend the night together, sitting on the floor with pillows pilling against the end of the bed as they sat in arms. he had his tv opened to one of the late-night game show. they sat in silence, her head rested on his shoulder and her lips pressed into a tiny line. at the corner of his eyes, he could see her phone’s notifications blaring despite being on mute. the number isn’t saved but it was familiar. she deleted his number already, probably out of rage, but it’s a good step.

tell me where you want me to drop your stuff im sorry i hope youre okay y/n? i heard it was storming did you make it back home? give me a call im calling you okay?

just as like what the message stated, the unknown number called her. it startled her which startled him too. she stared down on the screen, he noticed the grip on the phone and wondered how the phone did not break yet. “can you answer it for me?” she said, holding the phone out to the black-haired man. shocked, he took the phone and pressed the green button. he pressed the phone to his ear and heard her name being called.

“hey man,” kuroo cleared his throat, “listen-”

“she’s with you?” the voice- akaashi asked.

looking down on the girl who was pretending to not have any interest in the call at all, eyes focused on the gameshow, kuroo sighed.

“she is. listen, i think you should leave her alone.”

“kuroo, i know about your feelings. for her. bokuto-san told me about it. if you think that this is the proper way to get her when she’s vulne-”

kuroo bit the inside of his cheeks. he was offended that akaashi dared to call him out like that. “so, what? she made her pick,” the girl turned to face him, brows up wondering what they are talking about.

“that’s low, even for you, kuroo-san.”

their eyes met. he didn’t even realize how deep the cut on his palm where he had balled his fingers into a fist until she touched it. he calmed down. “you hurt her. you have no right to say what’s low or not. be a bigger man, leave her alone,” he muttered flatly, before ending the call. they didn’t break eye contact until he realized what he had done.

“i-i shouldn’t have done that.”

she shook her head, “stop blaming yourself,” a small smile on her face.

that was 3 months ago.

kuroo had made moving on easy for her. akaashi and her remained friendly, although kuroo noticed that she tended to avoid him when possible. the breakup was indeed mutual, but merely on the fact that he lost feelings. akaashi had fallen out of love with her and in love with some other girl but who was she to judge when she was falling in love with the rooster head in silence. they still hang out with bokuto and akaashi but rarely with the latter.

she made him apologized to the fukurodani’s setter too and they remained on friendly term, still practiced together whenever they have training camps together where akaashi had admitted one training night that kuroo and her looks better together. kuroo didn’t say anything, not that he knew what to reply to that (his mind scream fuck yeah we do) but shrugged at his statement. “i guess dating her made you less pain in the ass, kuroo-san,” akaashi joked as they resumed the game.

kuroo was pulled back to reality when he felt his lips brushed against something. his eyes widened when he realized what it was. a quick kiss from her. he blinked frantically, trying to comprehend what had just happened which caused the girl to laugh. “did you just?” he asked confused by what had just happened which she nodded. she bit her bottom lip to hold herself from bursting into a laugh. “god, you should see your face. it’s so stupid. and every girl called you the playboy captain huh?”

he huffed and rolled his eyes, “i am not. i’ve been loyal to one girl for many years now, she is the one who hasn’t notice me at all,” he faked his pout, refused to look her directly in the eyes, praying that she wouldn’t notice his reddening cheeks.

“she must’ve been so stupid,” she teased, her nose rubbing gently against his jawline as she rested her figure against his closer. his chin rested against her head.

“she is,” he looked down on her, his arms around her waist tighter, “i don’t think she knows this but if she leaves me, i think i’ll be so broken inside. is it selfish to say that?” a small frown appeared on her face.

“i don’t think she ever talked about leaving you.”

a grin grew on his face, “so you know who i’m talking about huh?” she fell into his trap. she rolled her eyes and stuck her tongue out, calling him stupid. he studied her face, his grin softened into what yaku and his volleyball team called the kuroo is stupidly in love with y/n but refused to admit face. his fingers ran into her hair which she had been growing out in few months down to her shoulder because she thinks that he likes her better that way. the way she tried to subtly put on make up to look better that the other girls who’s shamelessly flirting with him. she was too stupid to realize that he had loved her beyond that.

he loves the rough pads on her hands from holding her paintbrushes and volleyball. he loves that she works hard for everything she’s doing be it studying, volleyball or arts, she would put her blood, sweat and tears into it. he loves that she would wait for him to buy lunch so they can eat together in class. he would buy her a box of milk which she insisted that she doesn’t need too; but he convinced it would be good for her. he wants the best for her.

he loves that all the missing clothes he’s complaining about is in the back of her closet or on her. his cream hoodie hanging behind her closet door, his random pile of t-shirts in a basket on the floor of her closet that he liked to left beside the mix pile of her shoes and his one big ass nike shoes. her room isn’t messy, it is because she kept the messiness in her closet. she also like to keep random stuff of him too. the one medal he won from a science fair hung on the headboard of her bed, the misshapen looking hand wax sculpture of their hands intertwined from a funfair where she rested a purikura of them on it and a lucky bamboo plant he gave on her birthday to compromise on the no gift rule.

“for luck,” he grinned.

unlike hers, he kept her item neatly in his drawer. your spare shirts that he borrowed and refused to return, extra towel and her toiletries, some of her drawing blocks and a small cat shaped pouch where she kept her allergies medication. mostly hidden because his annoying friends come over often and would accidentally talk about it in front of his grandparents. but, on his bedside table, he has a cup of pencils by the bed where he collected the art supplies she left behind, random markers and paintbrushes, a clay sculpture of a trinket plate she made from art club (she carved a tiny letter k in the corner beside the obvious looking genitalia drawing) and a fake plant which she was sure he will not be able to kill it.

he loves it when she wore his jersey. he lost his mind when he found out that her current season number is the same as his. he’s in love. the first time he saw her in his jersey, the number one jersey on her body was during their training. he lost concentration; mouth hung a bit. he got so flustered that he let lev served the ball straight to his head. usually, lev would be dead by now, but he doesn’t mind. his nose bled but to see her kneel beside him, clutching on his own shirt screaming how stupid he is, wiping the blood away with towel, he could only say how pretty she looked. all his teammates were startled, her included. she clutched on his collar angrily; her knees stung from when she leaped down to his side, but this idiot could only smile at her with a bloody nose. “you are fucking idiot,” she cried out angrily, pushing him away before throwing the towel on his face leaving the pleased third year laying on the floor.

he loves the way she would find a way to impress him, be it as ridiculous as the halloween costume idea she had where they’ll go as the front and end of a horse or as serious as the submitted college application to the same university he had gotten into. “you are not getting rid of me that easily, tetsu,” the evil look on her face as she clicked the submit button send shivers down his spine.

“if you leave, i think i’ll cry,” he confessed, his smile slowly died.

“kuroo tetsuro is going to cry after me?” she teased. he nodded eagerly. “does kuroo tetsuro realized that we are literally moving into the same university? i couldn’t catch a break from him,” she faked her annoyance which he playfully avenged by sending her on the floor laughing as he tickled her. tears trickled down her cheeks as she begged him to stop, screaming to get away from his grip. “please, kuroo, i’m going to pee if you don’t stop!” he obliged, tears prickled the corner of his own eyes from laughing too much. straddling her waist, he gathered her wrists in one hand over her head. “apologize and said that kuroo tetsuro is the best man in your life or i swear i’ll make you pee,” he threatened her playfully, wiggling the fingers of his free hand close to her waist. her eyes widened in fears.

“that’s not fair!”

“apologize first.”

“fine!” she pouted, “i’m sorry, i won’t make fun of you again. now get off me!”

he raised his eyebrow, “andddd?”

“annddd-” a teasing smile appeared on her face as she said the next 5 words that send him to mars and back; “i love you kuroo tetsuro.”

he froze in shock. he heard the words before but never in this way; never for him.

finally, i think i got the calculation, love you yaku! lev you’re adorable but so stupid, i love it! thank you for letting me borrow your game, kenma. you’re the best, love ya!

the grip on her wrists loosened. taking advantage of his shock state, she pushed him back, straddling him by the waist, pinning his own hands above his head, giving him the taste of his own medicine. “i’m not going to leave your sorry ass, tetsu. i hope you don’t regret it,” she leaned down, capturing his lips with a longer kiss. letting go of his wrist, her hand went immediately into his rooster hair while another cupped his cheek, deepening their kiss. she could feel his cold palm resting against her bare waist and she shuddered. between the kisses, he heard her whispering his name. “kuroo, do you love me too?” she asked so innocently with kisses between the words but the way she grabbed a handful of his hand in a fist felt so dirty, eliciting a strangled moan from the back of his throat. she pulled back, staring down on his eyes as his lips moved.

“i love you too.”

nothing in his hazel eye but sincerity. he groaned when she pulled herself out of his reach, missing her warm body as she laughed. straightening her sweater back, pulling her hair back up into a tighter ponytail before she picked up the paintbrush she dropped. the paintbrush left a white stain on the court. as if kuroo wasn’t here, whimpering underneath her a minute ago, she continued her work. “i need to finish the mural by this week and you’re not exactly helping me,” she warned him, pointing the wet brush his direction. through the corner of her eyes, he was propped on his elbows, still staring at her, causing her to blush profusely. it annoyed him that she would tease him, then leaving him high and dry. before she could crack open the new paint tin, he ignored her warning as he tackled her back into his arms.

breathless against her lips, he told her to continue later. the urgency and rawness of his voice made her putty immediately. looking up the man, she pouted her lips.

“kuroo-san,” she whined as he captured her bottom lips.

he elicited a soft moan from the girl. he grinned against her lips. a hand rested firmly beside her head while another snaked under the sweater. there will be bruise tomorrow, she was sure of it, he will make sure of it.

“it will be quick, baby. i promise.”

she has no objection.

[boomboxwithlegs]

@kittykittycattycatty​ tagged me for a sims prompt!  Rules: list your top 5 sims worlds Ive only ever really played the sims 2 and a little bit of the sims 4 so this list will probably be a little short but ONWARDS!

1. Veronaville    I never played in this hood when i was younger, but ever since i re downloaded the game ive rlly been vibing with it!! The layout is big enough for me to experiment with building stuff, and theres lots of space to move and put ur sims where u like in the hood! Ive also rlly come to love the premade families in this hood. Bianca is my fav. My only really issue with it is IT DIDN'T COME WITH PRE-MADE WITCHES!! We needed 3 of them like in hamlet!!!!  such a missed opportunity Like, I know why that is. Its a base game hood witches didn’t exist yet but titania is a fairy queen and she is there even tho fairies don’t become a thing till the sims 3 so. But I digress still a rlly fun hood and I enjoy the story i got going there a lot! 2. Pleasantview I have such a soft spot for this hood.

 growing up it was the only one i ever really played in. it was also responsible for destroying our very very old pc in the funniest possible way via woohoo cutscene. But ill elaborate more on that someday later. 

Growing up i favored cassandra goth, but now i think Dina, Lilith and the burbs are my fav premades from this hood. (Dina’s a good witch, and working to become a city planner this time around, and lillith’s grades skyrocketed overnight after working on her sports and fitness almost nonstop, and jennifer has become captain hero :D) I also really vibe with the soap opera style stories they have scripted and played out too. Gotta love that drama! 3. Strangetown

I would be kidding myself if this hood wasn’t in my top 3. Like with veronaville i never once touched it as a kid, but now that ive redownloaded the game I LOVE IT!

 I made some of my best/favorite original sims in this hood and one day ill subject you all to my terrible three-o’s (because for some reason when i make my own sims and have them befriend others it always ends up in a group of 3 somehow.) actually y’know what? You get some pictures actually cause i love these guys

I really wish i had played this hood when i was younger I was a ghost kid growing up and I WOULD HAVE BEEN ALL OVER THE SPECTER HOUSEHOLD. That one quickly became a fav, they adopted a puppy and the puppy made olive rlly happy. I also love ophelia and her friendship/relationships with her friend and boyfriend. Shes defs a fav. I also made a lot of in jokes/come up with a lot of neat concepts brainstorming with a friend for this hood. I just...I really enjoy it a lot!! 4. Riverblossom hills.  Ive also really come to love and appreciate this one too. I stuck the premade families/houses with families that came with other expansions in this hood. I also made an alien family for sitcom-esque shenanigans :D. I ALSO LOVE THE TERRAIN FOR THIS ONE. The seasons pack is so good. Love it!!! I don’t have a lot to say abt this one at the moment cause ive taken a break from playing it for a while but I really love it a lot. 5. Belladonna cove This was another one i only ever really played in growing up! I love the layout of the city a lot and i really like the apartment system a lot, Good stuff!! I don’t know a lot of simblrs but if you see this and want to talk about ur fav hoods feel free to!!!

[n1chijou]

rules: Answer these 85 statements about yourself, then tag 20 people

tagged by @firsltove (thank u ily!) tagging: 

last

1. drink - water 

2. phone call - my mom!

3. text message - my sister

4. song you listened to - old money - playboyi carti

5. time you cried - im playing thru nier  for the first time and its pretty heart wrenching!!! :~)

6. dated someone twice? - ....kinda

7. kissed someone and regretted it - I guess? like I regret it now

8. been cheated on - yep! :^)

9. lost someone special - I guess?

10. been depressed - unfortunately

11. gotten drunk and thrown up - nope

fave colours

12. wine

13. warm beige

14. navy blue

in the last year have you…

15. made new friends - yes

16. fallen out of love - not really

17. laughed until you cried - yes!

18. found out someone was talking about you - probably?

19. met someone who changed you - yes!

20. found out who your friends are - I guess?

21. kissed someone on your facebook friends list - I dont even have facebook haha

general

22. how many of your facebook friends do you know irl - still dont have fb!

23. do you have any pets - one cat!! but shes Very High Maintenance

24. do you want to change your name - I used to wanna! not anymore tho!

25. what did you do for your last birthday - I got dim sum w my mom and sister!

26. what time did you wake up today - 7:40 which sucked bc its the weekend and I randomly woke up 10 min after my alarm on school days

27. what were you doing at midnight last night - I think I was asleep

28. what is something you can’t wait for - to graduate wednesday!

30. what are you listening to right now - cotton fields by topaz jones

31. have you ever talked to a person named tom - I dont think so?

32. something that gets on your nerves - when im doing someones hair and they act like they know more than me!! im sorry susan but do u even know what a disulfide bond is! 

33. most visited website - tumblr at this point

34. hair colour - neon purple! wanting to go back to a nice silver tho

35. long or short hair - short! 

36. do you have a crush on someone - I guess? 

37. what do you like about yourself - im very empathetic and optimistic!

38. want any piercings? - I want my nostril but im a baby!! 

39. blood type - I think.......a+

40. nicknames - rach or bear

41. relationship status - Very Lonely

42. zodiac - gemini

43. pronouns - she/her

44. fave tv shows - fargo, parks and rec, idk my mind is blanking!!

45. tattoos - I have a lil equal sign on my wrist (i got it for pride!), the dragonslayer from berserk on my right forearm, and a rose in a line frame (idk how to describe it??) below my neck on my back! im trying to keep a theme of minimal tattoos that are colorless + dont have shading, tuesday I get “memento mori” on my inner elbow! 

46. right or left handed - lefty!

47. ever had surgery - nope

48. piercings - just my ears!

49. sport - ha

50. vacation - anywhere where I can sleep in

51. trainers - I want a pair of reeboks! I just want something chunky n comfy

more general

52. eating - cookies

53. drinking - water

54. i’m about to watch - ive been watching nakeyjakey on youtube nonstop for the past 2 days, ive never agreed more w someone about games omg 

55. waiting for - my God Damn State Boards

56. want - licensure + employment!!!!!!!!!

57. get married - idk maybe not?

58. career - just graduated cosmetology school + I wanna be a hairdresser!

which is better

59. hugs or kisses - hugs

60. lips or eyes - eyes

61. shorter or taller - it rlly depends

62. older or younger - also depends

63. nice arms or stomach - stomach!!! love tummies 

64. hookup or relationship - depends!

65. troublemaker or hesitant - hesitant as hell lmao

have you ever

66. kissed a stranger - nope

67. drank hard liquor - yeah

68. lost glasses - not for more than like 2 days 

69. turned someone down - yes

70. sex on first date - nope

71. broken someone’s heart - idk

72. had your heart broken - ha yes

73. been arrested - oh jeez no

74. cried when someone died - yes

75. fallen for a friend - :~))))))) yes

do you believe in

76. yourself - kinda?

77. miracles - also kinda?

78. love at first sight - not rlly

79. santa claus - no

80. kiss on a first date - it depends

81. angels - no

other

82. best friend’s name - claire

83. eye colour - blue

84. fave movie - im drawing a blank rn aaaaaaa

85. fave actor - I guess hayley law? I dont rlly watch anything shes been in besides the one internet music video she was in but shes SO PRETTY

[dulltimes]

[ 11 Questions Tag ]

Tagged by: @localjeontrash 💞💞💞

Rules: Answer 11 questions from the person who tagged you, and make another 11 questions for the people you’re going to tag.

Here are my questions for y’all:

1. One movie that you have seen multiple times and would still watch again?

Barbie and the 12 Dancing Princesses bc im literally 9

2. What would you say to 10-year-old you?

if you dont have anything nice to say dont say anything at all

3. If you could learn another language, what would it be and why?

hnggg this is hard bc i love learning languages but if i had to chose one i haven’t tried to learn yet it would have to be russian. the alphabet is super interesting and i love the pronounciation of words

4. What is something you do to cheer yourself up?

watch kpop vine videos lmfao

5. Would you rather go back in time or go to space? Why?

go to space bc all the things that have happened to me in the past have made me who i am and id rather explore the unknown

6. Something/someone that would immediately make you smile

“school will be cancelled today, [any date]”

7. What do you do in your free time?

play computer games and watch kpop videos

8. What is something that you regret doing?

eating garbage all winter break so now i have to work extra hard to build up my muscles

9. Do you currently have a song on repeat? If so, what song is it?

YESSS CLAP BY SEVENTEEN

10. To whom did you last send a text message?

my physics group chat to plan a study day

11. To what color do you associate yourself with?

either red or gray

ok i suck at stuff like this but here we go

(also sorry for any bad english ive been nonstop studying and practicing spanish for the past 2 months)

1) If you could master 1 talent instantly, what would it be?

2) What animal would you associate with your bias(es)?

3) If you could take one thing with you to a deserted island, what would it be?

4) What is your favorite outfit to wear?

5) What song would you set as your alarm?

6) What is your favorite candy?

7) Do you have any disbanded groups you want to bring back together?

8) What is one thing you’re grateful for at the moment?

9) Would you rather be able to buy all of your favorite group’s albums and merchandise or meet them in person?

10) If you had superpowers, what would you want them to be?

11) Do you prefer tea, coffee or neither?

again im not going to tag anybody but if you see this and want to do it go right ahead!!

[scadplaysdnd]

a reflection

aka “holy fuck mom its been a year”

just warning yall now this is about to get hugely personal and if you’d rather not see insight of the worse sides of me or what’s been going on behind the scenes then i fully understand not reading this. i wont be offended. this is kind of as much for myself as it is anyone else.

so there have been a couple times in my life where ive had to look at myself and go “if i dont reach out for help of some kind, something really bad is going to happen”. around this time last year was one of those times. i was three credits shy of getting my degree and the last thing i needed to do was an internship, which would have started around this time and finished up by the end of 2016. i would have finished my education and gotten my degree.

and then i would have died.

id known this fact for a couple months now but as we were reaching two months from the end of the year i had this thought--maybe i should like, not do that??? so i put the internship on hold. i took a semester off on medical leave. while all of this was going on, kelly and erik had come to me asking me if i wanted to play dnd. i said sure, though i was pretty wary. id only ever played dnd once beforehand and it ended really badly--basically my character died and the rest of the party kind of callously left her behind which hurt and sucked.

ANYWAY i came up with the basic concept for tami. i know i wanted to play an orc because it was always weird to me that orcs are like the stereotypical and defacto villains that most parties are pitted against from the very beginning--what must it be like to be one of those people? but i wanted her to also diverge from the typical orc playable character, in that she was going to be quiet, stealthy, dexterous, and “level headed” (in quotes because yknow her emotions are something she’s always struggling with).

basically tami naruto jumping through the trees was always a key character concept from the word go.

but character creation is easy for me. ive been doing it nonstop since i was 10 years old. i also joined a new roleplay group around this same time. creative endeavors are something i can still pursue rather easily even in the throes of the worst mental breakdowns. in fact, its probably the reason ive survived most of them.

and i had no idea how much dnd was going to be that.

by this point, things were getting really bad and we were basically deciding what to do with me. my support network as ill call them (basically my therapists and doctors) were thinking i needed to be admitted into some kind of program and i agreed with them. but they wanted me to go to an inpatient program--essentially either being hospitalized or cut off from everything while i was taught how to yknow. not die.

but i didnt want to be cut off from everything. i wanted to play dnd. it was pretty much the only thing i had going for me at the time, since i wasnt doing any work or school. not to mention most of my irl friends were still in school or just generally busy and it was pretty much the only social thing i had to look forward to.

of course, that wasnt the only thing. in general, i just really didnt like the idea that i wouldnt be able to have a phone or computer for xyz months, quite literally being cut off from everyone and everything, including all of my essential coping mechanisms that have been keeping me alive thus far. but really, i knew that if i left the campaign just as it was starting for what would probably be months, i wouldnt be able to come back. and i didnt want that.

so i put my foot down and we got me enrolled in a local outpatient program. every day for 5 hours, i had to go to group therapy and learn how to Not Die. i had to go completely sober. i had to get drug tests. it was......hard, to say the least. it was scary and frankly humiliating to get to that point where i had to be constantly monitored to make sure i wasnt a danger to myself or others--even more so that it was justified.

every day we’d have to check in, let them know what our level of suicidal ideation was among other things, and i remember for those first few months, it was never none for me. but as long as it was passive, it was alright. in response, we were supposed to take a step back and look for things to live for, and look forward to. every friday we had to write about what we were planning on doing for the weekend.

and every friday i wrote the same thing: dnd.

it was honestly everything i needed during this time. i was going through a pretty rough period of agoraphobia and social anxiety, but once a week every week i got to be social as someone who wasnt myself. my experience with dnd hadnt been much up until that point, but almost none of you guys had played before. i felt almost an obligation to make a character that was somewhat take charge and open, in an effort to coax you guys out for the same. its kind of hard to remember at this point considering where we all are now, but at the beginning there, i know it was rough for a lot of us. i felt like i had to take charge, which was so the opposite of how i was actually living my life at the time.

and it was...nice. tami is much more confident and forthright than i am, and i had to force myself out of a lot of comfort zones to put myself in that place. but as weeks went on, it became easier, both in and out of character. all yall nerds are busy now but back then we were hanging out practically every night and it gave me a chance to not be alone with everything i was going through. unlike with say, the roleplay group, i wasnt just my character--i also got be myself with you guys. i got to rediscover who i was and could be during a time where i really didn’t see myself as anything worthy, let alone anything at all. plus, my connections to others has always been a driving force of me Not Dying and being able to be a part of such a blossoming close group was essential while living at home with little contact to my other friends.

and this went on for months. in that time, through the program, i was able to learn some essential, new coping mechanisms. i discovered some trauma that was affecting me way more than id given it credit for and was able to start working through it in a way that i hadn’t for years. through helping and supporting the others in my group, i was able to do the same for myself.

while all this was going on, i was constantly doodling tami and others in the margins of my notes. i was singing the praises of the group and the campaign to my program, whose members also became somewhat invested in the story and started asking me every week what had happened. it became such a huge part of my identity and every day that soon members of the program began to identify me with the game itself. it played such a huge role in my recovery.

but by march, i had graduated the program. id started up my internship, and was on my way to getting my degree. i got a nepotism job at my dads company, and i was actually leaving my house on a fairly regular basis. i dont want to say that it was all sunshine and rainbows because it wasn’t. i still had some pretty dark periods, and there were times that if you asked for a check in, i wouldnt be able to honestly say that there was no suicidal ideation.

but i kept on. and the only consistent thing throughout all of this was dnd. i started my own campaign on top of all of that, which has been an adventure in and of itself. tami has been through a lot, both through what has happened and general character development. it would be impossible not to after a year, even if it hasn’t been nearly as long in game. 

i thought i had some sort of linear progression to all of this, and this would be the point where i wrap it up all neat and say that im all better and its all because of dnd but that.....isn’t true. its not true in life OR dnd, and i think thats why i like the game so much?? its narrative for sure, but there’s also so much uncertainty and surprise that you don’t get in general writing or roleplay. not everything works out plainly and neatly, with things being completely fucked just by a dice roll. it can be just as messy as life is. which is funny because thats exactly what i used to HATE about the game, and why i didnt want to play in the first place. i didnt want to not have control over the narrative. i didnt want to not have control over MY narrative

but i needed to give up that control if i was ever going to get help. i needed to put my safety, my mental health, my life into other peoples hands. i needed help and i needed connections--and thats kind of what dnd is all about. and in the end, it still might not matter. our characters can still die, the story can still go in a way that not even the dms are prepared for, we might not save the world.

BUT WE ALSO MIGHT!! we’re going to work together and try our best and do everything in our power to fulfill our own quests, help one another, and create a greater good for ourselves and the world around us!!! and its like yeah, im not fully recovered, i dont think full recovery is ever going to really be an option for me, but i can keep going, and i know im always going to have the support of yall and the people who care about me. that means more to me than you could ever know.

and not to be a downer but like...im still going to die, someday. maybe in the ways that i thought, or maybe not. and in the meantime i might not figure out my life plan or get an amazing job or even move out anytime soon. but for once, that thought isnt as paralyzing and world ending as it was this time last year. its okay for things to be uncertain. its okay that things might not work out neatly in the end. and i think dnd played a huge role in helping me come to terms with that.

so remember like four paragraphs ago when i said i was going to start wrapping this up?? lmao for anyone who made it this far, i salute you and thank you. this game has been really important to me but more so its YOU PEOPLE. you guys are just such a wonderful and awesome group of people and its been a privilege taking this journey with you for this last year--and for many more years to come! we’ve been at this for two months in game and who knows where we’ll all be this time next year or the year after or even more after that. i dont know!!!! and thats okay

love yall im gonna go order a pizza now peace  ✌ ✌ ✌ (i have had nothing to drink thanks)

[nursabrinahassan]

after moooonnthsss...

HELLO TUMBLRINAS!

This gonna be a very super long post! Cus ive not been updating for so many months!

Its been so long. So so so long since last I updated my Tumblr!

Pardon me, I’ve been so busy in life and I couldn’t find a single second to update my blog!

So many things happened for that last few months! Wait.. my last proper update is in the February!

And that’s when Ozil is still 2 months old! But nowwwww….he’s 7 months old already! He’s half of a year now and how I wish I could stop him from growing! Tehee!😝🥰

Many things happened lately. No, I mean for the past few monthszzy….

On the March, while I was busy planning for Mama’s Fabulous 50th Birthday. I felt something wasn’t right with myself. Myself kept telling me to check a Pregancy Kit. It last for 2 weeks I felt that way, I have tried to brushed it off as it is impossible for me to be pregnant again when Ozil is only 3 months old during that time. So after 2 weeks of having that feeling. One night, while Ozil is sleeping and the husband was in the room playing PS4, I decided to take the balance of my pregnancy kit that I still had during Ozil’s time. So I went to the toilet, urined on it, waited and waited and tada! The result is out! It was a clear 2 lines!!

I was so shocked, super shocked to the point I check the packaging whether it’s a expire kit! Haha. But no… I paused for a second in the toilet. I open the toilet door, stand infront of the toilet door for 5 seconds, the husband turned at me and asked why im standing there stonely. With my voice, softly I told him “B, I pregnant lagi…” while showing him the kit from far. His face was shocked, he paused a second and then “Merepek lah b.” He thought I was playing around like how I always do to him haha. But no, this time serious sia! Haha. Dengan cepat, I went up to him, showed him the kit and he smiled…”Alhamdullilah b…” And I was like… “Serious uh?” HAHAHA. So I asked him “B nak check lagi tak? Impossible ni.” So he said yes and I took another 5 more kits to try! haha

After done urined on all the kits, yes all result is the same as the picture above!!! ITS A POSITIVE RESULT!!! Alhamdulillahhhh....

5 kits with 2 clear lines on it! I was shocked again! IT WAS SO UNBELIVEABLE!

I went out the toilet, went to husband and showed him all the kits! He smiled again and continue main game. Serious uh? Gitu je? Then I said… “B I have to go through the labour againnnn….” Hahaha. And that period of time, I couldn’t believe there’s a heartbeat in me! Ya Allah!

So I scheduled to meet my gynae few days after that. Did the scan etc, and was told , my pregnancy was already 2 months old! Another shocking part! So Ozil was 3 months during that time, and my 2nd baby is already 2 months old! Haha. Alhamdullilah, afterall, I’m truly blessed. Right after everything, I still kept this secret from mama! Thought of surprising her during her birthday party, but nope. She gonna be damn shock infront every single one! So I surprised her before her birthday party!

Mama's exact reaction after I told her! She was shocked, in a total shocked!😅 Papa kat sebelah dengan tangan cakap "Alhamdullilahhhhh.." hahaha

This is what i wrapped and gave her for present. Dengan gambar scan terus bagi mama!😅hehe

And then… here comes her birthday party on the 24 March.

Planned was successful! I managed to call everyone in mama’s families to join the fun! Alhamdullilah mama is in so much happiness!

And right after mama’s birthday celebration, Ozil got caught with diarrhea! Diarrhea for 2 weeks straight! It was super super tiring. Changing his diapers every 1 - 2 hours because he been pooping nonstop and it’s a watery poppy! After the 2 weeks straight, he got caught with high fever! And then the husb got caught with high fever. After the high fever, Ozil got caught with Flu & Cough. Non stop I tell you. Ozil been falling sick and sick and sick, and then husband pulak jangkit Ozil, and then my turn, and then back to Ozil. The cycle kept running. Honestly, my maternity leave ends on February and was supposed to start work middle of the March. But i’ve been coming and not coming from March till June! Yes, I just started my working days properly starting this week! Since March I’ve not been coming for the whole week, or either coming to work 2 or 3 days in the week.

I was really tired, and what’s more during Ozil having diarrhea, high fever etcetc, I was on my 1st trimester. And honestly, I wasn’t pay much attention with my pregnancy during that time. I put my full attention to Ozil. Alhamdullilah, everything’s getting better now.

And now.. I’m on my 2nd Trimester and will be ending soon next week. But I still had migraines, muscle cramps.

My 2nd pregnancy was super different to be compared during Ozil’s time.

When I was pregnant with Ozil. I was super super exhausted ONLY during the 1st trimester and that was normal lah eh. Then I entered 2nd trimester, I was super active. Super active that I can still travel from Johor-Singapore-Johor every single weekends when I had to work. I remembered how my husband followed me in the morning took train from Johor to Singapore, then he went home to sleep and then in the afternoon when I finished my work, we will meet up at Woodlands checkpoint and trained back to Johor. Every single weekends we will do that. Sampai dah tahu timing2 nak book train macam mana haha. Also I remember, when the trains is out, we had no choice but to take bus to Johor. The Q was super long and we stand nearly 2-3 hours at the JB custom. I can still happily doing it haha

And then during my last Trimester at 7+months, Alhamdullilah, we received our house key. And then during that period of time, we was super busy. Renovation etcetc. We went up and down for our housing renovation. We went to and fro Jurong-Bukit Batok-Jurong every single day with my yes, 8 months tummy haha. I was still strong to go through it everyday without feeling tired! Imagine how heavy it was carrying the 8-9 months tummy to and fro! Till the day I gave birth!

But my current pregnancy was super different. I’m only at 6 months now and I already felt so so heavy, felt super lazy. Ya Allah, part malas ni jangan cakap uh. Malas semalas malasnyaaaaa… Even my colleague Makcik Siti tegur me “Sabrina… Cik tengok kali ni Sabrina mengandung lain sikit. Cik tengok takde seri langsung. Masa Sabrina mengandung anak 1st, Sabrina selalu datang kerja hari2 pakai eyeshadow. Tapi kali ni, 1 makeup pun takde.” Haha. Seriously, I myself don’t believe im out without makeup! Not even a single face powder! Super bare face to work everyday. Im always out atleast ada eyeliner, but no, not a single eyeliner too! Yes, I assumed it’s the pregnancy homones! Confirm2 pregnancy hormones uh! Mana aku pernah keluar takde celak atau bedak pun! That was so not me eh takde makeup! Hahaha. So yes, this makcik was so so true! She even said “Masa 1st anak, badan Sabrina Nampak kosong. Kali ni punggung Sabrina naik.” Hmmmm…. What else should I say? Even mama told me I was super selekeh this pregnancy haha.

Please bear with me for awhile people! After this pregnancy, I will be back to myself ok! Hahahha

Well.. I was super blessed. Blessed with what Allah has gifted me nonstop. One after another of rezeki I received! But through it all, I know everything that happened ada hikmanya. Truthfully, this wasn’t a plan pregnancy. It was superb unplanned! So so unexpected! But that doesn’t mean unwanted or unloved, It just means Allah knew what I needed before even I did. Alhamdullilah for every single thing.

After I got to know I was pregnant, the first thing first I wanna know is whether it’s a single baby or a twins or triplets! Haha. Because me & my husband born with a family genes of twinny & triplets! So that was the very 1st thing I concern was! Kalau kembar ke triplets, ya allah, another blessing but another thing….pengsan kitaaaa hahaha. But still.. kalau Allah nak beri rezeki, siapa kita nak tolak kan? But alhamdullilah, there’s only 1 in me. AND! THE NEXT THING I WANNA KNOW IS! YES! THE GENDER! Gender is the main thing me, husband and my family wanna know! But still… it doesn’t matter if it was a girl or boy. Truthfully, I don’t mind if it was a boy again, because Ozil ada friend to play with! And if it was a girl, I ada friend to play makeup makeup with! Hahaha. So both is totally fine for me. Also husband is super supportive. Either boy or girl, both he is super fine. Yang penting…. Ive to go through 9 months again ehhhh! Haha.

Alhamdullilah… everything is getting better. Ozil is 7 months old now, and we as his parents already know how to manage in taking care of a baby haha. But still, there’s more for us to learn lah kan. Futhermore, now Ozil is 6 months where foods is starting to play apart. So besides milk, I have to be ready to feed him foods. I’m so excited to explore more in him! Can’t wait to see him walk especially! Haha.

As of now… I’m in the midst of planning for Ozil’s 1st year birthday! Kiasu gile kan! I know! Haha. But I wanna make a big birthday party for him! 5 more months to plan, and I already got sooo many ideas for his birthday! Definitely making a happening birthday party for him! And what’s more we will be having adik with us also during Ozil’s birthday! Hehe. Couldn’t believe Ozil and his adik is 11 months apart haha.

I guess that’s all for now.. Don’t know when will be my next post after this. Haha. Been super busy with life. But as usual, ive been updating my daily life through Ig stories.

But before I end this post…

I wanna congratulate my sissy who just got married last 2 months during Puasa month!

CONGRATULATIONS KAKAK & ABANG RA!❤

I was super happy seeing you finally married!

After all that you have been through over the past years, you definitely deserve this happiness! More and more happiness! Allah listened. So here it is.. He gave you the happiness you have been craving for, wanted for, wishing for and has been prayed for.

“Bercinta selepas bernikah..” That’s what you ever told me it would be beautiful if you ended up that way. And tada! Allah has make you ended up that way! See.. Allah plan is always the best. Always always the best. Cuma kita je yang tak nampak dan tak faham kenapa Allah uji kita. Allah uji kita sekarang, tapi pengakhirannya nanti akan jadi indah. Insya’Allah.

Aku doa semoga kau selalu diberikan kebahgiaan. Insya’Allah.😘🥰

That’s all for today’s post! 🌸

[silveredsilhouettes]

Top Five Video Game Soundtracks

@sriracha-chocobo has tagged me and thereby given me an opportunity to gush, which I will gladly take. So, in no particular order:

1) Xenoblade Chronicles - MMMMM BABY i love this game’s music. It’s all so atmospheric and damn powerful. Probably 80% of the songs will get me extremely emotional and that is the shit I am about. Some favorites include the Main Theme, Central Factory, Agniratha, Refugee Camp, Frontier Village, and oh my god Confrontation With the Enemy. That’s more favorites than I meant to list but they’re all so good i love them and I can’t bring myself to not mention them.

2) Tales of Symphonia - I’m replaying this right now and I can’t not mention it here. So many of the songs are just so catchy and I’ve been humming them nonstop for days. I find myself singing along as I run around and avoid battles just so I can avoid interrupting the music. I don’t know all the proper titles but some of my favorites are the songs in Asgard, Ymir Forest, Latheon Gorge (I think that one plays elsewhere too), and the castle in Meltokio. Also Raine’s theme (the serious version) and Fatalize oh my god Fatalize. Starry Heavens is growing on me, too, even though I am partial to the instrumental opening of the English GC version.

3) Jet Set Radio Future - bruh. BRUH. This soundtrack....is so fucking good in ways I don’t know how to put into words. It fits the vibe of the game so so perfectly and it just makes you feel cool. Honestly, the music is kinda the centerpiece of this game. I adore the graphics and the gameplay too, but when I describe JSRF to someone, the music is the first thing I go into. I love it.Makes me want to go be reckless. My favorites are Fly Like a Butterfly, The Concept of Love, Funky Dealer, Aisle 10, and The Answer.

4) Final Fantasy VII - It has not been long since I first played FFVII this past summer and winter over break, and I thoroughly enjoyed my first nosedive into the world of FF, in no small part thanks to the music. The songs are memorable and do a great job at creating an atmosphere that left me feeling like “yeah, now that feels like what I know about Final Fantasy.” This was another game of me running around singing and praying I didn’t get into random battles. And a game of me standing in place for 5 minutes just to listen to the music for a while. Special shoutout to Cosmo Canyon, Those Who Fight, Cid’s theme, Vincent’s theme, the Turks’ theme, and of course, One Winged Angel. And ESPECIALLY the main theme! Catch me with tears in my eyes, singing the letters “F F V I I” to the tune of the main theme.

5) The Settlers: Heritage of Kings - Okay hear me out. I played this game so much when I was younger, and this past winter I found the whole soundtrack on youtube and I love it just as much now as I did then. I would hum and sing these songs constantly. I can still perfectly imagine the noises of the serfs chopping wood, or the voice clips like “So it shall be,” “It’s raining,” “You will need more tahlers” and “The day for clearing bills. Taxes and wages are paid.” They’re such wonderful background music. I wrote like 3 papers to this ost fall semester. It’s got such a place in my heart because it just gives me such a simple lovely feeling.

Honorable mentions of The Legend of Zelda: The Wind Waker and Shin Megami Tensei IV (which if I had included, all I would have written next to it is “TOKYO MAP THEMEEEEE”)

aight its late and i dont know who to tag so if seeing this made you think about your favorites and you have a lot of feelings about this topic like i do you should do this. Consider this a formal invitation.

[lightwelost]

rules: answer all questions, add one question of your own and tag as many people as there are questions. I was tagged by the lovely @isakvaltzrsen (thanks for tagging me sweetie!!!)

1. coke or pepsi: COKE

2. disney or dreamworks: disney is bae

3. coffee or tea: I like the idea of coffee, but I haven’t really had very much of it (my family tells me I don’t need more caffeine c:) so I’d have to go with tea but only green, because green tea is perf

4. books or movies: Books all the way

5. windows or mac: mac for sure

6. dc or marvel: marvel

7. x-box or playstation: uhhh idk. I’m not a video game person (my favorite console is the Nintendo 64) but probably x-box?

8. dragon age or mass effect: All I know is that Yvonne Strahovski was in Mass Effect so I’ll go with it even tho I’ve never played either

9. night owl or early riser: Night owl, but there’s nothing better than waking up early for vacation.

10. cards or chess: cards!!!! (spoons is bae)

11. chocolate or vanilla: Is twist an option?

12. vans or converse: converse!!!! (They always remind me of Chuck and Zachary Levi so they’re my favorite)

13. Lavellan, Trevelyan, Cadash, or Adaar: what ? ? ? 

14. fluff or angst: ANGST. I love fluff, but angst inspires me to write and also evicts more emotion.

15. beach or forest: beach! It’s my second home.

16. dogs or cats: idk. Cats probably

17. clear skies or rain: I love clear skies but my favorite thing is to walk outside while it’s raining, so rain.

18. cooking or eating out: cooking!

19. spicy food or mild food: I have a terrible spice tolerance, but it’s my favorite.

20. halloween/samhain or solstice/yule/christmas: Christmas!

21. would you rather forever be a little too cold or a little too hot: I’d rather be a little too cold because it’s a lot easier to warm up than to cool down. Also being always a bit cold is kinda cosy bc then I could always have blankets.

22. if you could have any superpower, what would it be?: Idkkkkk maybe mastering any instrument immediately (bc i’d love to be perfect at piano but it’s taking so long)

23. animation or live action: Live action!

24. paragon or renegade: idk what that is

25. baths or showers: showers!

26. team cap or team ironman: civil war sucked so i can’t side with either (i honestly hate that movie so much. everyone loved it but i’m just like??? noooo)

27: fantasy or sci-fi: ack..... fantasy I guess? BUT SCI-FI THO. I can’t choose

28. do you have three or four favorite quotes, if so what are they: I have so many favorite quotes!!!!! some of which are: 

“Is it better to have had a good thing and lost it, or never to have had it?” - Charles Dickens

“It does not do to dwell on dreams and forget to live.” - JK Rowling

“A wise man can learn more from a foolish question than a fool can learn from a wise answer.” - Bruce Lee

“He came to hear the music.” - Charles Bukowski

but I honestly love so many, those 4 are just my favorites as of right now.

29. netflix or youtube: netflix (I just started a show called “Prison Break” and it’s really good!!!)

30. Harry Potter or Percy Jackson: I love PJ but Harry Potter wins by no contest. 

31. when you feel accomplished: Uh after I’ve just cleaned up a bunch of stuff nonstop or if I’ve been extremely active one day, that night i’ll lay in bed and just feel so satisfied and accomplished.

32. star wars or star trek: Ive never seen star trek and star wars scarred me when i was a child so neither

33. paperback or hardback: hardbacks are prettier, but paperback is much better to read from, so paperback.

34. horror or rom-com: rom com!!!

35: Tv shows or movies: tv shows all the way

36. spotify or pandora: I’ve never used spotify, and I’ve only used pandora once but I guess I’d have to go with pandora.

37. zootopia or inside out: zootopia was so amazing

38. favorite book: Harry Potter (ofc), The Statistical Probability of Love at First Sight, Fahrenheit 451, and The Geography of You and Me (I can’t choose just one)

39. favourite flower: I love lilacs so much. They’re my favorite scent, favorite color, and favorite thing about spring!!!

40. what field of study are you in (or aspire to be in): I’m planning on majoring in Social Work so yeah.

41. favorite subject: ooh English Literature, Chemistry, and Photography

my question: 

42: would you rather have to move every 2 weeks, or have to stay within a 2 hour radius of your home forever?

I’m supposed to tag 42 people but nah so I tag: @cherokeepiper, @sar-uhh, @skywailker, @special-agent-sarah-walker, @mapiyahuyana, @ladyophelia, @simplylemonade, and i’m sure there’s other people to tag but i can’t remember! 

[dawnblade]

i was surprised to find i have only put 20hrs into destiny and ive been playing for like, two weeks i think?

now that i think about it i dont really play all day. i take care of my grandma and do chores and stuff and also i dont play it all when my stepdad gets home which is around 5. dont play it on weekends either. so yeah i guess that makes sense

like, with pc games i usually end up playing nonstop all day every day so i log a lot of hours in a few days lol

[benevolentscars]

actually being revived from playing video games with friends. actually healing my soul. ive had a nonstop headache for 4/5+ days thats been driving me batty that neither tylonol, benedrill, water, healthy food, solid sleep, nor exercise have been able to mend----and I experience none of it after playing w friends for a handful of hours. I feel so much better and alive now.

my body says being lonely turns into direct physical pain

[cleargreengames]

i just need to vent for a minute

so like this is all set against the backdrop of my life is a huge disaster (and i am a huge disaster) but im not gonna be specific about that cause its not the main thing im thinking about in this moment, and like i am not wanting it to sound like i think thats cool and blah blah blah. you get it im sure.  so yeah im just mentioning it for the context and cause like tbh im pretty actively worried about like dying/how much longer i can survive so thats the back drop. but i want to vent about how stressed out and frustrated i am from trying to work on a million different things at once.its like compulsive to a big degree for me to do these things. making things is all i can do and all i feel any value in for my life but i also feel a neurotic pressure in that i need to do it. when i stop working on something i can maybe sit through like a youtube video or an episode of a cartoon (a movie if its really grabbing) and then i just become miserable until i start working again. and like my fear and anxiety about my crumbling life is really exacerbating this and in my head and heart its like this very loud presence of “rebecca, you have so much to do and so little time”  but i am someone who cannot and will not rush. so if i need to be finishing things faster it means i need to work a lot harder and as close to literally nonstop as possible which i know is unhealthy but that isnt whats important really. i have so many ideas for things i want to do and make that it feels like my brain will pop. like i have so many ideas that it makes me cry a lot and not cause of being sad or being stressed out just i feel so fucking overwhelmed by my racing thoughts and how much i feel i need to do this cause its my only connection to life. (i need to interject real quick im talking about my like workwork artwork not the fanart or videos i have this blog for). ive moved around my sleeping and eating habits which have always been erratic and probably pretty bad to basically eliminate sleep as much as possible/ i will nap a bit every day or 2 to try and stay a little bit lucid (i accidentally slept for 4 hours this morning though and im like “ahhh oh fuck”) . i dont know....i guess like what im saying is like this is taking a pretty big toll on me and its not like im a very strong person to carry extra weight lol / so im just kinda freaking out a little bit. cause im working on so many different types of art projects, and even like whether its music or video or design or writing  im working on a myriad of things in each category and thats only the counting the counting the ones i can actively make some progress on in an imeadiate and daily fashion and im not even talking about the larger scale video and performance projects which are right now a little biut to big to adress and jesus im stressed out that i will not get a chance to start making progress on thbose.  -   - this is just more than i can adequately handle. my health and mentality are really poor right now and i just need to get it off my chest to someone or the void lol so i guess how it connects to why i have this blog is obviously i havent posted or recorded a gameplay video in a bit. this isnt a really big deal. i can obviously afford to put that on the backburner, and i dont have an audience im disappointing or anything. i do have some already recorded game videos piled up but i havent had time to edit them. even the ones ive already posted are clearly pretty sloppy and not fully up to my standard which i dont like but its the one area where i can afford to sorta cut corners right now lol it sucks because recording and editing those is weird and fun. and obviously i like playing games both cause its fun and i just find video games so so so interesting. ive wanted to record lets-plays for a long time, and at the end of the day i want to do that (and will pick up where i left off asap) for myself, but i also think with a bit of practice and a bit more time for editing i could be alright at making gaming videos eventually, and it would be fun to have a platform just to try and entertain people, cause my artwork is not really made with the mindset of making something “entertaining” per se. especially not the stuff im most activley working on. idek. plus i guess like more people might be interested in my work if they already knew me from somewhere else, and id like more people to see my art. so yeah i had to pase making those for now. i might record a bit later just to like, take a moment to re collect myself, like i said before i cant help but make things to big for myself. even in just making lets-plays im trying to bite off more than i can chew . im trying to get thru many games at once and have some slightly weird plans for down the line with that. idek. i recorded 5 episodes of a horror themed podcast but i scrapped them and im gonna restart making the show from scratch now. but thats not until i can clear time for that. i need to stop ranting omg okay i hope this isnt too cringe. im not gonna proofread it cause im afraid i wont post it if i do. i dont even mean for this to be complaining. i love what i do. im just really really really really stressed out 

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I want to say 5 months out of the year, I'm not myself. I'm only going to mention two months that affect me the most. February is a very hard month for me. Always has been since I was a teenager. My dad was the one to point it out to me. See he noticed a cycle every February I would have a meltdown and snap. As Ive grown, certain months something traumatizing has happened to me. April is another hard month for me..I seen my good friend kill herself. I did try to help, yes but it was too late. I couldn't help but blame myself and her family blamed me too. I walked in on her cutting her wrists. I cradled her, trying my best to stay calm while she was bleeding all over me. All I could was apply pressure, and scream for help. She hid our phones and I didn't want to leave her side. I was there until the very end. I still have one picture of us. I've kept it hidden until the anniversary of her death every year. A lot of people don't know how fucked up my life was. I mean when my dad got sick of me and my shit, he'd send me away instead of helping me. He was more worried about everyone than his own kids. Distant family tried to help but I became too much for them and they sent me away too. Since I was 12 I have been on high doses of medication..and once I was off them I became "a monster" a danger to myself and others. As a child I was never loved by my own mother. She abused me and only me. My siblings and I were taken away by CPS when she killed our younger brother. We were put in foster homes. Every week or month was a different family. I've found one family that wanted me and loved me for me, I was five at the time but I remember every detail of it all. Later down the road of living with them I've became attached and so did they. One night we were having so much fun. Dancing, playing games, cooking, and baking. A little while later I remember my foster mom rushing into my room and telling me to hide and keep quiet and saying that "bad people were here to take me away." She was crying and scaring me so I began to cry and panic. She hid me but I came out into the living room where I seen police men and my womb donor. I was crying, looking at my foster parents, and when I ran towards them a cop stepped in and grabbed me. I remember screaming, crying, kicking, and reaching for them. My foster dad held my foster mom back as she was crying, reaching for me, yelling "please don't take her" my foster dad was crying too. I was placed into a car. I remember crying and looking out the back window of the car crying "mom!" but my womb donor said "baby I'm right here" I remember hitting her and screaming in her face. I never heard from my foster parents until I was 16 years old. My older sister gave me a number to call and ask for Mrs. Anthony. I called the number, having no idea who would answer. When the other line picked up and said "Hello?.." I asked "Is this Mrs. Anthony?" she replied with "yes..?" I then said "Hello. My sister gave me this number and told me to call you. My name is *******" She then started to cry..I was about to hang up until she said "******* this is your foster mom, ****!!" I then began to cry. We made plans to meet up but a week later I ended up having another meltdown and my dad sent me away. We were out of contact for years. I always thought about them and I still do. August of 2015 is when I found out they have passed away. A year before they died I was looking for them. I asked my sister for help but she never responded. Being a teenager with limited internet access, I used my time wisely to look for them but two years ago my search came to an end. When I read the news article about their death I became depressed. I cried and cried. Every now and then I listen to "time of my life" it was their song. When I listen to it I get overwhelmed with emotions. I have flash backs of them dancing to that song, dancing with me. Every time the song came on they always stopped what they were doing just to dance with one another. I still remember what the inside of their house looked like. I remember my best friend who lived next door. She owned a trampoline. I remember one day when I was playing outside, it was cloudy out, and all I heard was "Do you want to play?" and within that short time we became best friends. I hate my mother and will never forgive her for ruining my life. Because after I was taken from them, she only had us for a short period of time due to her being institutionalized for the murder of our younger brother. She got the insanity plea I guess. After that our father took us in and was granted custody. And after that my life became hell. He was an alcoholic and a woman beater. He even hit us when he felt like it. As the years went on and I've grew into a teenager, I was bullied nonstop. I told my counselor that the abuse never stopped since day one. I just wanted friends, a dad who was there. Our grandma helped take care of us but she had our cousin living with her too. When our dad had work or went golfing, we would go to grandmas house. Our cousin molested my sister and me. Mostly me..maybe because I was the youngest. He would even hit us and push us around. I remember one day he shot my sister in the stomach with a bb gun. He then shot me in the shoulder. We told our dad but our cousin said it bounced off his metal target. It stopped when my sister left for California to be with our mom when she was 14. I was 12 at the time. I finally spoke up but my grandma said I was lying. My didn't believe me either. Finally at the age of 13 is when I tried to kill myself. That was when everyone started to notice me. I wasn't invisible anymore. But the hate towards me never stopped. Always bullied, hated..see my life was fucked up. The attempt of suicide never stopped. I have scars everywhere. But guess what? Today I am 25 years old and a mother to two beautiful children. I'm still battling my demons..I still suffer from sucidal tendencies. I'm still belittled by my family. But all I can say is "I'm still standing" and if I can make it through all this shit..you can too. I know others have it worse but you can get through it. Don't give up. Don't give in. The weight of the world is on your shoulders, you have no one to talk to, no one to comfort you..but please. Keep fighting and keeping moving forward. Your haters want to see you fall and once you are down they will attack like wolves. But never let them win. Get back up, wipe your brow, your tears. Show them that you're no one to mess with. Show them that they are wrong in every possible way. Have hope. Have faith. Pray. I'm sorry that this is really long but I have no one to talk to at the moment.