#ive been so fucking angry all do congratulations to me LOL so here it is in drawing form

[chalkeater]

💢 YO, YO, YO! If you don’t shut your mouth? I’ma shut it for you, PUNK! 💢

[thattooshallchange]

i have no idea what made me log in to this acc havent been here for so long instead, ive been using the other one, where id rant and post negative stuff thats been going inside my mind for years lol yet.. i do not feel like contributing to that dark blog of mine anymore. so i logged out. and next thing i knew, i was trying to recall the password for kansuksa. although it too has some not too positive vibes, especially when i look into my mailbox where there are lots of messages from my ex. but, i have to admit, i no longer feel angry or sad when i think of her. it was not a nice experience but i learnt a lot from it. and gained some mental problems from it kkk okay, lol, i had had them before as well, but that relationship worsened them... whatever, what has happened, has happened. i am trying to recover. its been a long ride with my dissociative ass. lost friends along the way just beause i fucking stopped replyin to them because i fucking could not move my ass and realize that i in fact do influence the world around me. i just didnt care because it all seemed so fake... i do not know if i care nowadays. but if i want to recover, i have to care. i try not to ignore messages anymore. although, sometimes i still do forget to reply and then never reply..... i have like 9 or 10 dialogues in VK with unread messages that were  sent to me months ago and i never read them bcuz i was busy or did not care again. some of them are congratulations on my birthday lol damn, now i wonder why i am writing this post here in this moment. for the last 5 minutes that i spent typing these paragraphs, i twice “pulled out” myself from the “ignore the rest of the world” state of my mind, which is my usual state of mind. sigh,,,,, anyway... trying to start the new year with the more or less positive outlook on my future mental health state... i started meditating a week ago, and i think it was the best “hobby” i took up in 2k17. this month, i am planning to get a part-time job and with the first salary start going to a psychotherapist. i no longer want to spend my days in void, and i want to remember my past which is, as for now, broken in pieces and i have no whole picture of whom i used to be before. i just wish i will be able to do that.

[yeetyeet2121yeet]

Hey, about the aesthetic asks. Can ya do all of them?

flower crown: when did you last sing to yourself?Probably yesterday, while I was stress-cleaning my room. fairy lights: if a crystal ball could tell you the truth about anything, what would you want to know?Will I be happy?Am I nonbinary or nah?Did my friends die in a shooting?Will I land my dream job?Does America fix itself?Does my mother calm the fuck down?Will my mother let people come over for sleepovers without thinking we're gonna smash?Oh I could go on and on loldaisies: what is the greatest accomplishment of your life?I would say finally cutting some toxic assholes out of my life1975: what is the first happy memory that comes to mind, recent or otherwise?Last night was pretty damn goodSo was July 8-15matte: if you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living?Yeah, I'd spend this year being 100% honest, with no filter. black nail polish: do you have a bucket list? if so, what are the top three things?Yeah I do. The top 3 things right now, would be to make it to graduation so I can yeet myself away from this shitty little town, glue googly eyes on everything bc then I can have a buncha friends with me at all times, and the third would be to meet my online friends irlpantone: describe a person close to your life in detail.They make me feel v safe, and able to be very open. They're tall as all fuck despite being like, 2 years younger than me. They dyed their hair black when they got back from camp. They give really good hugs. They cried during Up. Also they cuddle a lot, which I like. They let me paint their nails. I met them at camp. They identify as nonbinary. They recently came out. They're one of the best humans I've ever encountered. moodboard: do you feel you had a happy childhood?lol no. I tried to kill myself when I was 9.stars: when did you last cry in front of another person?Like, July 13plants: pick a person to stargaze with you and explain why you picked them.I have a few. Roan, b/c they're Roan and we like that kind of stuffSean b/c I think he'd like thatSame with Jackconverse: would you ever have a deep conversation with a stranger and open up to them?Yeah, ofc. lace: when was your last 3am conversation with someone, and who were they to you?Last night, I had 2. One was with Jack, and he's my v good friend. The other was with Roan, who like, I 'married' at camp, and are really close with. handwriting: if you were about to die, and you could only say one more sentence to one person, what would you say and to whom?UhM oh ShitJaxon/Matt. I would say 'Fuck you, check my notes on my phone, the password is 123456789'cactus: what is your opinion on brown eyes?They're pretty!sunrise: pick a quote and describe what it means to you personally.Literally the entirety of 'Just Like You' by Three Days Grace. The whole song speaks to me about my relationship with my mother. 'I could be mean • I could be angry • And I could be just like you' ~ speaks to me because she is all of those things, when it is said 'I could be ___''You thought you were standing beside me • You were only in my way' ~ is exactly how i feel about heroil paints: what would you title the autobiography of your life so far?Congratulations, You Made Itoveralls: what would you do with one billion dollars?I would help out every one of my friends. You need food? Here! You need a binder, but you cant afford it, or your parents won't buy one? Well, here! You need help with paying rent or whatever? Well, I have literally a billion dollars that I don't actually need, so here!!combat boots: are you a very forgiving person? do you like being this way?Yes, I am very forgiving. It takes a lot to really make me not want anything to do with you. Even now, after I cut some asshole out of my life for being a rather stuck up, mean person, if he ever pulled his head out of his ass, and explained his feelings, or apologized, I would accept it. I do like being like this. pastel: would you describe yourself as more punk or pastel?Punktattoos: how do you feel about tattoos and piercings? explain.Whatever mate, you can do what you want. It is your body!piercings: do you wear a lot of makeup? why/why not?nah, ive always been too shy to actually put any on. bands: talk about a song/band/lyric that has affected your life in some way.I'm gonna talk about the genre I listen to. The music I listen to has meaning, and has a message. I listen to political songs. I listen to music that makes me think. My music has made me a better person. messy bun: the world is listening. pick one sentence you would tell them.FOR FUCKS SAKE CALM DOWNWE ALL DIE ALONE WHY DO YOU HAVE TO FUCKING FIGHT AND HATE?!grunge: who in the world would you most like to receive a letter from and what would you want it to say?My mother, saying she was sorry, and wanted to change space: do you have a desk/workspace and how is it organised/not organised?Yeah i do, its my bed. Its got specific sections. Sleeping, Books, Journaling, Noteswhite bed sheets: what is your night time routine?I cook my supper (bc my mother doesnt), and then I cover my window bc I'm scared of what's out there, and then I climb into bed, and message people, watch youtube, and scroll through social media until I fall asleepold books: what’s one thing you don’t want your parents to know?Literally anything about who I really am.beaches: if you had to dye your hair how would you dye/style it and why?JET BLACK bc I think that would be cool!eyes: pick five people to go on an excursion with you. who would you pick and where would you go/what would you do?Sean, Jack, Roan, Seth, and Lily. I would like to just go somewhere, anywhere, and just hang out. 11:11: name three wishes and why you wish for them.I wish I could be me. I hate how I have to be a whole different person.I wish I was with Roan. They're just.. calming, and makes me feel safeI wish my family wasn't so bad. I dont wanna feel like this. painting: what is the best halloween costume you have ever put together? if none, make one up. I'm gonna go as one of the black eyed children next yearlightning: what’s the worst thing you’ve ever done while drunk or high?never been either thunder: what’s one thing you would never do for one million dollars?be something I'm notstorms: you on only listen to one song for the rest of your life, or only see one person for the rest of your life. which and why?Roan. They're an amazing person.love: have you ever fallen in love? describe what it feels like to realise you’re in love.Yeah I have. Its when youre falling asleep, you're thinking of them. When youre so sad and crying so hard you cant breathe, imagining their arms around you helps. Its when youre doing something small and mundane and wanting to share it with them. its watching a movie and wanting to lean against them. Its when youre awake at 3am and so are they, and youre laying everything out on the table, placing your deepest fears and insecurities in their hands, and trusting them so deeply it hurts. its loaning them a blanket and getting it back and wrapping yourself in it to catch their scent. its knowing that as long as the other person is there, you can make it. its not having to ask permission to hold their hand or hug them or touch them because you know that its okayclouds: if you’re a boy, would you ever rock black nail polish? if you’re a girl, would you ever rock really really short hair?hell yeah i'd rock short hair coffee: what’s your starbucks order, and who would you trust to order for you, if anyone?I don't have one, but I'd trust Roan, Evan, Alex, Grayson, Theo, Sean, Jack, Mitchell, Thomas with itmarble: what is the most important thing to you in your life right now?Friends who act more like family than your actual relatives do