#ive stayed too long here as is and i want to go. | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

yanderemommabean · 3 days

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Hey It's been a while

First, I just want to apologize for being gone as long as I have. Things got to a heated point at home, and I had to postpone my move until August while facing some health concerns.

Im finally out of that god forsaken house. But it wasn't easy. They cornered me, and I cried for six hours trying to just hold on until the next day when I could go.

Im so so so fucking sorry I havent been able to be on here. I know you all must have been worried sick, and I should've at least made some update posts, but Ive been stressed as all hell in my new home trying to get insurance figured out so I can get insulin, trying to get a job for rent and Sammy's meds (he got diagnosed with heart worms, and im devastated at how long it's been going on so we're trying like hell to get him better, ive been up days in a row worried sick about it while waiting on job offers and its killing me).

I got to take Pixie, and she got checked out too and I havent heard anything, so that's good! I've been sick and trying to figure everything out, and was just not able to write like ive been wanting to. I had to leave behind one person i really didn't want to, who unfortunately is stuck with my family, and its also been eating at me.

I'm alive, just stressed and sick and trying to heal from abuse and the shock of not being yelled at for being sick and scared and making mistakes.

Again, Im so sorry you guys. I should have tried to update at all, I've just had so much going on and so much sickness. I am so grateful to have you guys at all, and the sweet messages you sent me made me smile when I finally logged in and read them.

I can't guarantee an everyday post like I usually used to do, but I'm going to try and at least be back more than I have been! I love you beans. I'm so sorry for the radio silence. Everything came to a fever pitch and has been nonstop trying to get settled in since I finally got away, which was the end of August. Before that, I was sick, unable to stand up without passing out, and barely eating because the abuse was so bad that staying in my room and starving was better than any interaction. I wont go into too much detail but the abuse was another large part I didn't want to post. Just bed rotting and hoping time would speed up to get me out of there.

Anyway, this was a terrible ramble, I'll hush, but thank you all so much for your messages, and im happy to be back! Even if just a bit at a time for now until im more settled in <3

Much love!

-Mommabean

#mommabean #Im back #Im so sorry #I should've at least tried to update #If you're still with me thank you #and if not I dont blame you lol

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rabidblasphemy · 10 months

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I wish i could explain to anyone the places i have been but im so tired and no one would care. So many places and so many ways for things to go and i want to run so bad.

#i maybe read too much of something i relate far too much to #there is no home. i will never have a home and im not meant to.#ive stayed too long here as is and i want to go.#no place is safe and i dont know how to cope.#sighs. i never knkw how to cope.#running from fostercare lying and couch surfing to survive...#i didnt want my mom the get into trouble but she was the fucking problem.#i wish i didnt love her i wish i could go no contact

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yanderespamton78 · 3 months

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damn it feels so good to actually have friends who i feel safe around. like to have friends who im not worried that if they find out that i like "cringe" things they wont judge me. woah!!

@angry-avaocardo @silly1xxx @gollyimsosoevil

#appreciation post for my besties✨✨#also the tags got reallylong and rambly just me complainign about the ex friend and a quick update so feell free not to read them if you #dont wanna #theres nothing of substance in there lol #ugh god my old friend the one i made the really long post about asking for advice #i probably mentioned this but i never felt safe to talk about things i like with them #oh god i would never be able to show them defrag #and i probably wouldnt even be willing to ramble about like. the arg or smth to them #id be too worried of them making fun of me #but also they had a way of making it so i hung out with them the most even tho i didnt want to #“me and friend are going to the canteen you two wanna come?”#“[with none of my input] no me and Charlie are staying here”#the only person i felt safe talking about my interests to was a friend that i made when trying to move away frrom the toxic one #a friend who they would consistently ask if i was replacing them with and was so fucking jealous of him #in fact that friend is gollyimsoevil yea that guy #hes great he likes gay addison shit so yk bestie #also they were so good at guilt tripping that now i use their guilt tripping tactics on myself to try and get myself to do things lol #and they would make fun of me so often but GOD FORBID I MAKE FUN OF THEM #they were making fun of me to another person a few /years/ ago so i made some snarky comment about them #because i was really upset by them making fun of me #and they brought it up to me like 2 months ago before we cut them off #like dude you mock and make fun of everything i do so much that ive just stopped talking and completely zoned out whenever im around you #and youre holding some snarky remark that i made when we were like 11 /because you were making fun of me/#UGH #oh ye update on that if anyone cares it went fine they seem to have moved on and are just hanging out with different people now #they havent made any attempt to contact any of us but also havent cut us off #i havent cut them off either ive just left it #i catch them giving me and the other two friends who used to be friends with them dirty looks #but i kinda just ignore it #i have like 5 friends my age who are much much much nicer than them

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thebirdandhersong · 1 year

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#as a side note i had a moment of horrid irony when i thought suddenly that I WISHED mr knight were there #because he was at the vigil last year and used to be a part of my church. and i suddenly missed all my old housemates #who were here last year! went to hug people during the peace and a good friend asked if i was okay #i was like 😭😭😭😭 not really and then turned around and SAW the boy and was like well this is a twist in the plot i truly dont care for #anyway all's well i just cried buckets more my heart's been wrung OUT #he lives fae away. he was not supposed to come. anyway he did and i shook his hand formally because he offered to (???)#*far away #it was totally bizarre #he did not stay for long which. thank God. i wouldve been so much more tired if he had #but he wished me happy birthday which irked me because we'd had an unspoken agreement to not wish each other happy birthday (for fear of #mixed signals) which. happened i guess #it was INCREDIBLY bizarre. the safest ive ever felt in my life was when he was holding me #and now he's a familiar stranger i know too well whom i dont WANT to know #anyway it has been a heartwrenching and soul draining Lent and past six months or more and i was ready to cry #and so i did. bawled like a baby after certain readings and songs. cried and cried and cried #re: reasons for that concerning the ex boyfriend: it is SO weird and i dont know how to deal with it #like. i still have so much love that it feels like grief and the grief bleeds into that love too #but that love isnt for HIM anymore or at least not the person i found he was. so now it really does have nowhere to go #ANYHOW IT'S LATE BUT THE POINT IS. HE IS RISEN AND THERE ARE MORE IMPORTANT THINGS #THAN SEEING YOUR EX BOYFRIEND AT CHURCH AND BEING LIKE ?????? HUH????????

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seraphim-soulmate · 11 months

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oguagh I've been going to sleep very late recently bcs I'm not winding down from the day early enough so of course I feel like shit the next day but I still have a bunch of anxious energy so I still do a bunch of shit. I just do it really anxious instead of taking the time to calm myself down.

#personal #me #lets go do some deep breathing girls #ive been very motivated by apartment hunting and im ready to move into a new place NOW #but my roommate isn't ready for that and is going more for a long game #when i keep seeing apartments that would work really well and are within our budget #but that she doesnt like bcs the room is too small #and at this point im willing to take the smaller room just to fucking move and get on with my life #bcs its also not just oh we found a nice place that works we get to move!#its oh well these places work so lets send our documents and hope we get selected by one of them #which like. im not sure if she's losing motivation or if im TOO motivated but its very frustrating not being on the same level #bcs i can either move basically now. or wait several months post op.#and i earnestly do not want to wait to be several months post op to move ! i dont want to stay here for longer !!!#like dont get me wrong its nice and i enjoy not having to pay a lot of rent but like. im ready to move on with my life.

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bootyful-seventeen · 1 year

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hey y'all, anyone have any good stress relief tehniques or habits they'd like to share cuz I've been more stressed in the last 3 weeks then I was in the last 6 months

#to cut the long story short my mom had to sell the old house cuz her broke ass couldnt afford to keep it up #eventho it is a whole ass hoarders house and was in shambles with a flooded basement a collapsing ceiling in at least 2 rooms plus mold #and the stench a dirt and dog piss and shit all over the floor really made it worse then it was #but yeah so shes been staying with me and my grandma and its been awful #she hasnt been taking any of the medicine the doctors gave her when she snapped and started a fight and also started screaming at neighbour #so shes been terrorizing us here while the house has become her second hoarders den since she dragged so much crap here #my backyard side entrance and front porch are full of her shit and my grandma hates it since she can barely step into the house #so since she kept looking for places way out of her budget i had to go do house hunting since my useless sister is busy getting lit again #so ive been showing her shit in her price range that was under 420k cuz im not a moron who looks at 800k homes when i have 570k #and each time she has a new complaint saying its too expenive or its too small or its too old when she said she wants to do renovations #but shes saying she wants to renovate a newly renovated place instead of an old one #so i just showed her a house near my sisters uni and she liked the inside & backyard but she complained that 400k for newly renovated 3 bed #that is literally a 9 minute drive from my sisters uni is too expensive when shes the one who was looking at an old ass unrenovated bungalo #that is a street over from us that is 800k and she says it looks like garbage cuz an old lady previously owned it before dying #like no shit it looks old cuz older people lived those decades and like it and she just keeps doing her bullshit again & again #cuz when i tell you her mind is gone i mean it is GONE and she starts up all these wild stories to just explain some shit #like something goes missing? the neighbours are hungarian and stole it and left the hoard of junk in her old house #she has more stupid stories to harass and stress us out with but if im gonna share that ill have to write a book about it cuz fuck #and you know its bad when no one else can stand being in any contact with her cuz she starts screaming at people about it #so the only one who even likes her anymore is my sister and thats cuz shes deep in denial about just how insane she is & how abusive she is #so yeah i need some stress relief help that maybe isnt constantly hitting up maryjane cuz i dont do weed often especially since shes here #cuz weed 'burns your brain & makes you crazy like this' when shes the only one whos ever infuriated me to astronimical levels #i know retail therapy helped before she came here but i dont want to keep spending money i dont really have #it would be great tho but shes refusing to give me the 70k she said was mine from the house sale so i can cut her out for good

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tamagotchikgs · 5 months

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i try my best not to think of it and i havent in years but the fact the only people who were ever supposed to be my friends irl would always dump their love on me and then to leave me & say they dont like me over and over and over again only so they could watch my reaction n make fun of me together maybe did affect me huh

#i am normal i am not affected ii do not see ◡_◡#[distant sounds of me crying & screaming && gasping for air &&& ripping myself to shreds like a bear]#i was always an autistic lil freak who didnt speak so i guess i shouldnt be surprised #but like. i always just wanted them to like me #i always just wanted the chance to like them back and let be allowed. always just wanted someone to be pals with. someone i could trust to #have my back for once vs everything else #i remember such a specific moment right #and we were going on a roadtrip w her and one i already had #and they ended up talking before we left #the worst part is i had to keep seeing them. i had to just keep reliving the humiliation over n over again n it got so deep in me #& the og one had a plan that we would sit together in the back n n we had like. tons of stuff brought we could do n snacks n all this #n then at the very last second literally as i had just sat down she was like . actually. i dont want you back here. i want her she's way be #better #and i remember so specifically she was like. LOL look at ur face..........#and so i had to sit up front alone w nothing to do the entire ride but listen to them make fun of me for it #i feel like it would be better if they had left it at that but then they always came back n treated me so sweetly so i was like . ok i have #a chance #maybe they do like me #like the same girl went on to share cookies she had bought w me and we sat on the lawn for hours hanging out n eating them #and then she did it again #and again #but i was so alone in the world otherwise that i stayed #for years n years #my therapist always talks about how because of how long ive had anxiety means itll take either equally as long or longer to recover #and all i can think ab is how i lived with everything horrible at home #always just wanting to escape #to living through bad things outside of it too #just piling on top #from 6-16 #and i kept going back

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synthshenanigans · 5 months

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there’s one on here currently and they’re bringing back up old controversy (jashshipping)

Yeaa I saw that. They also seem to post a bunch of CJ related things, so I might make the daily photos one since there isn't one for just CJ screenshots/photos

#im gonna be a fait bit busy today so I cant make it rn #also wont be making it tomorrow as there's another strike happening then [ill make a post on that later too btw]#but i want there to be an account just of stuff from the vids or of the ones he posts on twitter #as for the shipping thing #i wish ppl wouldn't be so rude with things sometimes man #my stance is basically the same as CJs. interpret it however you'd like just don't show it to ppl who are uncomfortable with it #also don't harass or be a dick to people who do or don't ship it #im glad it died down since then at least & that there's not a bunch of hate going around #this fandom is simultaneously really nice to be in & also really draining sometimes #tho it definitely isn't the worse. ive been in a lot of ones that are a LOT worse than here. big & small #place is actually quite nice mostly. despite some things that deserve needing to be called out [like some of the ableism toward Heart]#I think things would be a lot better if people just let others do their own thing. as long as its not like. fuckin illegal or offense #or against CJs boundaries. just let others vibe out in there own corner #ain't that what we all said when TH purists complain about CJs covers? No ones forcing you to consume the content. is all good #just stay where you're comfortable! if anyone's forcing you to look at their stuff then they're the issue. and that goes both ways #again just listen to what the guy said. don't show it to people that don't like it. don't harass people who do it don't like it. an like #just be groovy #sorry for the rant this has just been on my mind for months now #im generally very neutral on things but i hate everyone just yellin at each other when there doesn't need to be yelling in the first place #again this place is hell of a lot better than other spaces ive been in #its a main reason this is the first fandom I've actively participated a shit ton in #im actually using discord & talking [a bit] to other ppl for once lol #idk man i like it here. Just don't make a reason for people not to like it here #again apologies for the rant op. this has just been on my mind for some time & i really don't want shit being blown up again #also apologize if anythins spelled wrong or sounds like nonsense #shitty keyboard + dyslexia + not being able to edit tags can make dumb results lol #moss rants #[atlas asks]

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bagea · 9 months

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happy new years to myself. and my weird online friends and mutuals

#this past December has been hell for me honestly.#i hope 2024 isnt as bad #ugh hold on i just need to recap this past year in the tags #the start of 2023 sucked a lot for me. i almost killed myself!!!#april-october was pretty good. i had some weird spark of motivation in terms of art all that time and it didnt even break once #and then november-december sucked too because of a falling out with certain friends and then december has been a dystopian nightmare and #family related problems going on too #honestly the whole year has had a lot of ups and downs To Be Honest #im sure 2024 isnt going to be any better but heres to hoping i guess #another edit to the thing about the friends falling out. they recently invited me back to the “”“Group Chat”“” for new year eve and #ive realized that just being around those people is so mind numbingly absurd #sometimes i realize that I AM NOT OBLIGATED TO BE AROUND PEOPLE I DO NOT LIKE FOR THE BENEFIT OF MAINTAINING FRIENDSHIPS.#like i should have realized this long ago that. some people you might be friends with/were friends with are just bad and annoying people!#i am not obligated to talk to stay with them for whatever reason they want me there for #UGH please you are not obligated to read this and TBH i should have just posted this to my alt

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yoshistory · 10 months

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? Olive has the same meow for "please come pet me while i eat" and "please come here and play with me" now, which only developed after i bought her a new toy (quickly became her new favorite) which is interesting. maybe this is a general meow for "pay attention to me" now .. she no longer really meows for being pet while she eats anymore after buying this toy for them both, for some reason, which is good (that was a REALLY bad habit of hers ive been trying to wean her off of)

#her meow for ''please play with me'' USED to be a very high pitched cry which changed #i feel like ive been playing with her in the same amount as i used to though so i dont think its that #she has the ''pet me while i eat'' habit because as a kitten my family had many adult cats that used to bully her #so i would make sure they didnt push her away from the food dish by staying near her when she ate. which she then wanted into adulthood #i then specifically would feed my cats upstairs in my room after that went on too long #that was a combination of a lot of bad things all at once that she grew up in (family only giving cats one food dish & free feeding them)#i would later atleast convince them to add a second and third dish to different areas that i'd maintain #while having my own food and water up in my room for my cats #.. still .. there were 7 cats.#its a lot better now though. there's only 3 cats that live in that house now. and i took my two girls with me here #i get to care for them how i'd like now .. its better that way #she developed the very high pitched cry when i left for a year while i was trying to sort out my living situation.#apparently she used to meander the house carrying a toy around and looking for me the year i was away #i know thats a separation anxiety thing (she also does this when i go to work and go to sleep) but she'll do it for play as well #they both have different toy collections and styles of play they prefer that im trying to add to and expand #i wanna get one of those kick-y toys next. those fish that wiggle. i think Olive specifically will LOVE that #Hope is more of a ribbon-toy and laser light girl. Olive likes to kick and kill her toys but has overlap with toys Hope likes too

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curiosityjams · 10 months

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#don't know if it's like #that time of the month making these feelings more intense and i say this a LOT but damn i rly do feel my time on sm coming to an end #like i feel like being on here long term is holding me back in a way #but at the same time the reason i've been so afraid to take that leap is because idk what a world where i'm fully away from it (by that #i mean like no tumblr no ig no reddit no NOTHING just being completely alone w/ my thoughts and feelings and learning how to enjoy that)#and like ok isolating myself is Very Bad for my mental health i fully get that and its why ive been like afraid to leave completely #but then again why bother staying in a place w/ a history where the bad often outweighs the good for me #esp when i've chosen solace in some ppl who uh were #not the best ppl to look for that solace when you're Going Thru It #idek it's left me thinking abt the past too much when i SHOULD be in the present #anyway i'll stop w/ the rambles i just want to be offline in the way idk bill hader is offline gshdifhgtuioweiruty #be quiet drea #tbd bc im just venting in tags lmao

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florenceisfalling · 2 years

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like idk. i miss seeing content from s.igne (though i respect gab wholeheartedly). i miss fanart from my favorite artists. i miss older eras of j.se at times (and yes, there were older eras, the way people pretended he Never Changed is just weird). i miss old anti designs. i miss the old fic trends. i miss having a very active fandom (though i am so happy to see the new arrivals) and i miss seeing him interact with fans the way he did on tumblr back in the day. i miss the way i used to interact with some of the blogs here before i decided to fuckin,,, wage holy war and make enemies out of them (joking, but i have seen sides to some of these people that i wish i could tear out of my memory). i miss feeling confident that i could trust the good intentions of people here and even the big man himself (not god. that makes sean sound like god. you know what i mean). i miss when some of you weren't so fucking bitter which is funny because i'm the bitterest bitch alive. idk. i don't think it's bad to miss any of these things because i'm not going to be an ass and act like it's anybody's fault. i'm not going to be bothered by gab for being happy because i'm glad she is happy, and i'm not going to get bothered by sean taking a reasonable step back from this hellsite when people were cruel to him, and i'm not going to get mad at trends for changing because that is how time works. but i do miss things and i know its cringe and parasocial and perhaps even problematic but i hate having to pretend like i never have Any feelings about the past lest i break a hypothetical rule of what is the Normal level of attachment to an online community. okay. i think i'm done now.

#one of my favorite writers left because they couldn't deal anymore and one of my favorite writers turned out to have shit views and one of #my favorite writers left because of something that was partly my fault and one of my favorite writers stopped writing because of two of the #others and one of my favorite writers hurt someone i love over and over and over and one of my favorite writers left because they were the #someone i love. two of the big names hate queer folk that don't align with their ideals and half the artists left for twitter or for dead.#the man himself left because criticism always becomes cruelty and people lie to make themselves feel good.#the editors all turned their accounts private and my favorite told me on livestream that i was good and starting somewhere but then forgot #my name. and i thought maybe i was the bitter one but then i look at some of the other people who have been here so long and wonder why #they even bother anymore because they care more about complaining with everything j.ack does than anyone who actually enjoys his stuff.#and you know i poked fun at *** for a lot of things. some deserved some not. and one of them was the fact that she compared fandom #to warfare. and yes that's still silly i don't think it's a fair comparison but i do know that she wasn't fully wrong.#when you've been here for a long time and ive Been here for a long time you start to get really used to names and faces #and the change can be like waking up to a new wallpaper in your room. not a bad one just a new one.#i don't want to pretend that this fandom is just a silly little hobby for me when lets be honest i know some of yalls personal lives a #little too dearly for that. ive loved people here ive lost people here the first person who showed me this place fucking DIED and i still #lose it sometimes over the fact that he would have loved jameson so much and we couldve been closer friends had he stayed alive a few more #years. so yeah. sorry for being fucking cringy or whatever but there have been times where i've felt like im on a sinking ship watching #everybody else row away and i refuse to go. so like. cool. cool. im glad things are good again but i never really got to process the bad #things.

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orcelito · 2 years

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Genuinely wondering how many Twitter users r actually coming to tumblr. Like is tumblr the de facto alternative to twitter?? I know there's been a lot of overlap in fandom communities, + a large number of former tumblr users that migrated over to Twitter back when the porn ban started (which notably marked the decrease in average insufferableness here & increase over there, but I digress).

Do Twitter users propose going to other places, or do they default to bringing up tumblr? I can't tell if I'm seeing that just bc ppl on tumblr naturally will talk about people talking about tumblr, or if it's genuinely that widespread.

#speculation nation #like to be fair i think the alternatives are like... tiktok and instagram. which are fundamentally different structures of social media.#beyond just the difference of algorithms. it's a difference of culture too. based on videos and images as the mediums #for posting. afaik they dont have the option to just Make Posts.#like text posts. or do they? 🤔 instagram might but also i havent been on there since like 2016. and only Barely even then.#i think tumblr really is much more comparable to twitter in terms of the style of sharing.#though it's a much more lawless place. i feel like a lot of twitter users dont know what theyre getting into.#ive also seen some people scared of coming over here because of it 😛#like just try not to make too many waves and you'll be fine. ive been here for over 10 years now #& i find it to be a pretty comfortable place #then again the culture just meshes well with who i am as a person. aka why ive never bothered to leave.#i suppose as a longtime user more website activity is something i'd want In Theory.#i'd prefer to keep using this site for as long as it's here. and it's only going to stay open if it's profitable.#honestly astounding how it's continued even through all the bullshit losses. but it finally seems like theyre making things work.#the blaze feature is very annoying at times. but was honestly a very good idea for making a profit on a website #that is largely hostile to advertisers. i in fact support it (in theory). though i wish it was better moderated.#uh. im getting off topic.#but yea just like how im looking forward to increased p5 fandom due to the ports. im looking forward to increased tumblr usage.#could be awful! only time will tell.#but as an IT person who understands just how much bullshit goes on behind the scenes with websites #yes we want the website to be at least semi popular. it's not going to stay open if it's not.

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be-good-to-bugs · 6 months

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maybe i WILL get to move back home

#the bin #i talked to my mom and things might go ok but idk #i just have to wait and see but i desperately hope i can move. i need to see a doctor so bad. my whole body feels horrible all the time #and my tooth has gotten so much worse. i can deal with it if thres an end date. i cant deal with it indefinitely. and i cant afford to get #it fixed without insurance. i would rather die than deal with this shit for another however long i have to i CAN NOT do that #esp bc i would need to go to work while experiencing it. idk. im shaky literally ALL the time and my insides alwyas hurt and my joints #hurt so much too. and half the time im at work my chest hurts and i cant see straight. i cant fuckin do this anymorew.#apparently my dad might be getting a new job so their landlord might be more willing to renew but idk. she said she should know on april 1st #which isnt that far away but idk. i mean. its not impossible theyll renew. who knows. i hope so.#i know at keast thst i have a way to get there if there is a place for me to live so thats good. my health cant take this anymore. and im #also not able to emotionally. idk what other option i have but. god. its hard enough as is. im having like a perpetual panic attack since i #found out i probs wont get to move. im tryna be optimistic. i dont think im physically capable of staying here any longer #it was hard enough to stay herenthis extra yearm ive been having breakdowns repeatedly over it. and my physical health keeps worsening #i miss my little sister. i wanna be able to see the people i care about. theres so few people in the world i enjoy being around and i dont #get to see them ever. instead i have to see my second least favorite person in the world in order to even just get groceries #hhhh. i want the time to pass so i can know for sure but i also desperately dont wnat it to cause im so scared itll be bad news #whatever. i will hope and believe that itll work out until i know that it wont. hhhhh. worst case scenario i guess ill just have to save up #and figure out moving there later on but like. i was really happy to NOT have to worry abt rent or working so i could focus on my health and #then i could go back that that stuff. oh well

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tkbrokkoli · 7 months

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wanted to write smth abt top surgery ⬇️

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n0phalt · 1 year

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just waffling about my day im being personal ignore me

dear diary (kinda public online space that 21 people have made the unfortunate choice of following but its not a direct person so interacting and being vulnerable does not activate my Instant Dissociation Response) today is a day . i am going to have a challenging conversation i fell asleep thinking about but im slowly figuring my life out :) minor inconveniences keep happening in adjusting to. honestly yeah it is a move. Adjusting To The Move . like i havent had sheets at all, just an old blanket and a mattress. and have run the dryer 6 times on my own blankets and it finally dried but my brothers friend was over so she got them instead so i have to restart the cycle. and none of the foods im used to are here. and i dont have as much privacy even tho it was minimal before (actually. lie. im less alone but i have more private spaces which means a lot more) and i miss my susan and scooby. and the first few days fucked up my carefully cultivated sleep schedule bc alarms went off from 3:30-5:30 and nobody else wakes up to them. but my grandpa may be coming home from the hospital this weekend! and i Feel like i cant draw anymore and i lost that part of myself but i think if i keep trying ill find it. and today if i can schedule it around visiting my grandpa and doing copious amounts of laundry . i will be able to call with a few of my friends and play games ive been excited for all week :-) i am happy this morning i think

#clearly im very unstable. i didnt know that at all. tjought ive been the most stable ive ever been #but thats fine and the world keeps turning and this too shall pass and i think im just gonna talk on here more bc it helps me. stay aware of #life if that makes sense. unfortunately a recent trauma(?) response i discovered that prompted the move was that. for as long as i can remem #ber. venting to someone immediately leads me to wanting to give them a happy ending. not even consciously. my brain blocks off the things #that were bothering me so i can crack jokes and feel like everythings fixed. but then it comes right back eventually #which. kinda sucks. but also to spare ppl how erratic i think ive always been around ventnh im just. shoving this out here #which SHOULD make me feel bad bc a core component of my ethos is to be impersonal in public and i really dont like seeing even tiny 'public #figures' being so brazen about their mental health and life in objectively public spaces #but i think this is the first step to healing and its still. tiny. this thing is still next to nothing. and ill certainly be hiding all the #'meat' of the info like so #at least going forwards #i do feel bad about the few times i certainly just threw open bad vibes on ppls tls #condolences #anyways

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