#jake is such a good helper huh

[jakeyt]

Covet: Chapter 11 (Sneak Peek)

a/n: this is only half of what this scene is in chapter 11... buuuut, this is a scene that has been imagined for a hot damn second... and i kind of went crazy with it when it came time to write it. soooo, here's a (long ass) sneak peek of the scene that's been planned as a reunion of sorts for our two (angsty) romantics <3

i hope it's enough to tide you over until chapter 11 drops. and, ohhhh friends.... chapter 11..... it's a doozy (that includes something that many have been itching for... what could it be?)

buuut, until then, here is your little taste (🤭) of chapter 11!!

Warnings: smut (18+ MINORS DNI); oral (f! receiving); pregnancy; insecurities; anxiety; slight jealousy, i guess?; pregnancy hormones out the wah-zoo lmao (emotions, libido, etc)

-🌼🌼🌼-

“Oh, so you didn’t get it out of your system with Maya that night?” You clipped, not ready to just ignore the fact that you’d had to suffer through that shit. How damn livid you’d been. 

“I was angry, and she was there for me,” he explained, before sighing deeply. You could imagine he was shaking his head with the action. “But I was thinking of you. You and your beautiful fucking body that’s growing my kid.”

God. You felt your core flex and continue to drip with arousal at his words. You were not in the mood to be the one in the right anymore. You didn’t want to be smart about your choices. . . you wanted his mouth on you and you wanted to let him do whatever the fuck he had in mind. 

It would be one time. 

And. . . .  it would technically be him helping you to benefit the baby. . . the less stressed you were, the less stress the baby felt. And God only knew how fuckin’ stressed you were lately. 

And there was only one way–one person–you wanted to relieve that right now. 

Fuck morality. 

“Who’s to say you’ll want me when you actually see me like this?” You genuinely wondered. 

You couldn’t believe you were actually giving this fucking idea any substance. There really was no way it could end well. 

But your thoughts just kept trailing to how it could end well. . . very well. . . With you moaning his name as you finished against his tongue or around his cock . . .just for tonight. And, dirty as it would be to her, technically Maya did tell him to help with whatever you needed, so it wasn’t entirely against her wishes. 

Although, you were one thousand percent sure this was not what she meant. . . . at all.

“Try me,” he challenged, voice rasping with the two daring words.

You were in no place to turn him down for such a thing. Your body was in no place to deny his help much longer. So, with wobbly legs and weak knees, you stood up. Your ass tingled, hurting just a bit and you were trying so hard to not somehow slip on any water on the shower floor. You decided to lean against the opposite wall, holding on to the plastic bar built into the middle of the longer wall, adjacent to him. 

It was clicking that he was about to see your naked body in a way he’d never seen it before. . . you needed to make sure you looked as good as you could with puffy eyes from crying and a red face from the heat of the shower.

So, you did what you could and bent one wet leg at the knee, thankfully feeling silky smooth from your shave. You worked to accentuate your curves, in a body that didn’t always feel like your own anymore. You wanted to cross your arms over your chest, but knew the pressure would hurt like a bitch if you did that. The other option was tucking them behind your back, so that was what you did, holding the plastic bar in the wall with both hands, pushing your chest up a bit with the action. 

You couldn’t conceal the whine that slipped from your lips when you crossed your thighs, pushing them together, adding a little bit of pressure where you needed it so badly. 

But, no matter how much your body felt literally pulled to him, you couldn’t help asking. . . “Are you sure about this?”

“Um, yes,” he said, no doubt in his tone at all. Though, after he said it, he paused, ready to await your words. “. . .Are you?”

Guilt was what you should’ve felt in this moment. But, right then and there, guilt was as far out of the window as it could’ve possibly been. This felt real. Natural. Nowhere near wrong any longer – only right. So fucking right. 

So, if he thought it was okay, so did you. 

“Yes,” you breathed, whining on the word without warning, your legs having rubbed together once more. Your swollen chest was heavy with each breath you took, waiting for him. 

“Let me see you,” he beckoned. 

Needing the curtains gone from between you, but scared to move and end up falling, you huffed, snorting a bit at the thought of falling again. Pregnancy and POTs were not a good combination for a clumsy-ass like yourself. 

“I’m afraid I’ll land on my fuckin’ ass if I move,” you explained, a little giggle following the words. “Um, c-can you–?”

And before you could even finish the request, the thin barrier between you suddenly vanished and. . . standing before your naked, wet body. . . was him. 

Your eyes didn’t instantly find his face, suddenly shy in front of the man who’d seen you naked so many times before. So, you focused fully on his body. He was still fully clothed, but completely there, right in front of you. 

And, from what you could tell from the outline of his dick in his dark jeans, he was definitely wanting you. He wanted to help in this special way. . .

“Oh my god,” he rasped, so low in his throat. 

Instantly, you snapped your glance from where you’d been eyeing his body to see his face. He was staring at your legs, which still looked as they had before the baby, for the most part.

But, very slowly, his eyes trailed from your legs, all the way to your midsection – a part of you that had definitely changed. Round as could be at 17 weeks along, his expression became primal; his stare, so hungry for what his eyes were feasting on that you felt it with every harsh beat of your heart.

You felt extremely vulnerable in his presence, under his gaze. Felt weak at the sound of his voice. The way you were bared completely to him, and him liking what he saw. . . made the blood in your veins red hot. 

The blush crept up on every part of you – your cheeks and chest, burning. You felt yourself becoming restless for him, your heart beating so quick you felt almost nauseous at the way his eyes had darkened. His lips stayed pursed as his jaw flexed. You felt your chest react further, as your nipples peaked at his nearness. As if sensing it, his eyes moved to watch your fuller chest, your breathing hitching on each breath. 

Time was moving in slow motion. 

And the way he bit his lip, as he finally locked his dark eyes with yours, would forever be etched in your memory.

“Holy fuck,” he breathed. “You are so���.”

The heavy beat of your heart was lodged in your throat, your breath catching. “Kiss me, Jake.”

And without question, he was stepping over the ledge of the bathtub, still fully clothed, until his boots were sloshing in the shallow puddle of water that swooshed to the drain. His hands found your body soon, chilly against your heated skin. He held your waist the best he could with the new addition of the baby bump, but still managed to hold you in such a way that you felt like he was in charge. The way he held you reminded you that you were nothing more than putty in his strong hands. 

He started leaning in, his grip on you, so firm, steady, sure. . . . 

The last time you’d seen him so close to you had been far too long ago. The night in the kitchen when you’d spilt the water, it had been too dark – and you’d been turned away from him. But, you were not turned away right now. Quite the opposite. 

No, right now, you could see every detail of his plush, pink lips as he leaned in further to you. Your heart fluttered in your chest. 

You were ready to feel his lips on yours. 

He was close enough for you to see the stubble coming in above his lip. Though, suddenly, his hands dropped from around your waist and his eyebrows dipped as he started backing away.

No no no no no please –.

“I–I can’t–,” he shook his head, now drenched from the spray of the shower. You followed his action, backing up, too, your eyes looking over his body as he stood before you, unmoving. Just far enough away to not touch each other. 

He wasn’t getting out completely, but he’d distanced himself.

Was he already regretting this? God, your heart started to split in your chest. . . you’d opened yourself completely up, only for him to decide against this – against you.

“Do you not want me?” You asked, voice mixed with hesitation and hurt. Your line of sight landed on your own feet, refusing to look at him. “Because, fuck, Jake – I told you! I told you we shouldn’t have– but now you have me fucking shaking and — goddammit, Jacob! It’s not fair for you to get me to admit those things and then bail as soon as you–!”

“Y/n,” he growled your name, commanding your eyes to land on his. His stare was no different than before. The irritation was flaring, again, though. Just a bit. You could tell. He stepped closer by one step. “I’m not going to fucking bail. I told you I wanted to please you and I plan on keeping my damn promise. I want to taste you so badly. . . I just– ugh.”

Your pulse was pounding in your ears, your chest hot and your heat clenching at nothing. . . You didn’t know how to respond. 

You continued to buzz with anticipation that wouldn’t dissipate in the dense, humid air of the shower. Doing the only thing you could do, you decided to admire what was in front of you. 

His shirt was opened to the middle of his abdomen on what you knew to be a chilly December evening, daring him to catch a damn cold. 

But. . . the sight made you anything but cold–no, seeing his perfectly toned chest heaving and soaking wet. . . it made your entire body flame. His shirt was light blue, the water soaking through the material to make it nearly transparent. It gave you a glimpse at everything beneath his shirt. . . You saw his toned pecs that you needed to put your hands on again. You needed to feel the smooth skin of his chest–with your hands, tongue. . . anything. 

Needed to feel him. 

So, you did what your body told you to do at that moment. 

Taking one wary step forward, you reached your hand out slowly, letting him stop you if he needed to. But, he didn’t stop you. When you glanced up at his face to read his reaction, he was watching your hand move, mouth agape at the action. You could feel his warm breath on your cheek as you took one more step towards him. Without any more thought, you placed your delicate hand on the exposed part of his tanned chest. And, daring to feel more, you slid your palm underneath his button-down shirt to feel one of his toned pecs.

His breath caught at the motion. 

It felt like home to be touching him like this again.

His chest flexed under your hand with the sharp intake of breath. Your breath was choppy, too, not daring to breathe too harshly to scare him away. This moment felt so eerily similar to a moment so long ago – that damn game night. The moment you’d been dared by a stupid ass card game to touch him.

But this time–this time felt worlds different. 

There was history–a baby–between the two people in this moment of time and you knew how to read his body. 

So, it was no surprise to you when he took a step forward, nearly meeting the front of your body with his. You knew it was going to happen before it did; you knew that his hand would reach up to touch your chest as well. 

You watched his hand as he followed through. Though, he didn’t touch your breast like you expected. No, he balanced his hand right above your heart, where it beat furiously for him. 

“Jake,” you begged, his name saying everything you couldn’t say. Your thighs rubbed together of their own accord, desperate. “Please.”

And there it was. His hand immediately went to hold your full, sore breast. It was like a weight was lifted off your chest, literally. You were finding that the only relief your chest could find was from his touch. 

Your legs continued to work at creating friction with every movement of his gentle massage on your breast. The way your chest heaved, nipple so sensitive and taut beneath his palm, your body was pleading for more. Still. You needed more. His hand moved away from the nipple and he held the underside of your left breast.

“Jake,” you were whining, outright. It was pitiful as hell. But – you couldn’t give two flying fucks. 

“I–I can’t kiss your lips,” he explained, voice gravelly and low above you, floating directly to your ear. You looked up, waiting for him to continue. There was more he wanted to say, it was obvious. “That’s–I have to keep something that is unique and sacred to my relationship. Does that make sense?”

“Yes.” It did. It made complete sense and you admired his feeble attempt at saving something for her. . . but, you couldn’t help that it cracked your heart the slightest bit that you weren’t able to feel his lips against yours. 

The tears were welling in your eyes all on their own–couldn’t stop them if you tried. Although, you couldn’t tell if they were from baby hormones or an honest result of the new crease left in your heart at him so obviously not being yours. 

He belonged to her – not to you. And the lack of kissing was a painful, blatant reminder of that.

Kissing him had been something so normal and familiar only a few months ago, you could have kissed him any time you wanted (well, almost any time. . . but still). And . . . you’d given that up. 

Given him up. 

So what could he do?

“What can you do?” Your voice broke with the wetness in your throat, a tear stupidly trickled down your face. 

His grip on your breast stayed firm, his hand kneading the supple flesh just right. “You okay, honey?” He asked, meeting your question with his own. He reached a hand up to hold your cheek and swipe a few more stray tears. “Shhh,” he hushed gently as his hand still worked to soothe your heavy chest. 

You sniffled, body sparking, growing goosebumps rapidly at the way he was stimulating you so deliciously. Your thighs worked hard to ease the throb between your legs. Playing it off the best you could, you offered him a half-assed response. “Don’t ask me why the tears are happening–it’s–it’s the baby hormones,” you sniffed again, willing the tears to go away. 

Thankfully, they did. And, after they’d subsided, he went to touch your other breast, your hand still on his chest, now clawing at his skin with each measured press of his hand at your aching breasts. Your hand trailed up to hold his neck, thumb smoothing at the flesh behind his ear. God, you’d missed holding him and you really loved that spot behind his ear. . . couldn’t explain it. 

“How does it feel?” He soothed, licking his lips once at a sigh you emitted with one particular graze to your tight nipple.

“So fucking good,” you grit out, your hand gripping gently at the roots of his long hair, darkened and soaking wet from the water flowing from the showerhead. “How do you know how to–? They hurt when anyone else holds them. . . but not with you– how?”

“I don’t know,” he replied with a hoarse chuckle. “I have been doing research on how to–,” he coughed, his other hand coming to join the one on your chest, doing his best to give equal treatment to both of your tits. And dammit if he wasn’t doing the best fucking job at it.

You gasped a whine at the additional pressure, his dark eyes finding yours as soon as you’d made the sound. The smile you gave him was bashful, cheeks flaring a deep pink in the soft moment.

He continued his words as he worked his hands so intentionally against your swollen, aching chest. “I’ve been reading on how to pleasure pregnant women– what to do to make them feel better. . . since your body’s changing and shit. And you told me that your tits have been sore, so I’ve been reading on how to help that specifically. I didn’t think I’d get to try it out on you – but, here we are,” he smirked, his eyes connecting with yours once more as he raised a brow. 

Didn’t think he’d ‘get to try it out on you’. 

You blushed, his eyes going back to watching your tits as he softly swirled a thumb on your nipple, you moaned, following his eyes with your own. God bless America. Watching him do it was worse. Your nerves were on fire and you felt your muscles tighten at your core, needing his touch in a million places at once.

“And, when pregnant women have sore tits, it apparently helps to massage them,” he continued, informing you of his research. “So, I thought I’d try that.”

“What else did you find in your research?” You asked, watching his hands move just so, his thumbs rubbing purposefully light circles around and over your nipples. Fuuuck yes.

“For sore tits or overall pleasure?” He pondered, eyebrow raising again as he caught your line of sight. 

“Pleasure,” you breathed, feeling his hands come to a devastating halt on your chest, smoothing over your sides before he dropped them. 

Goddammit, Jake. Don’t stop. 

“Well, I know that some pregnant women really like being touched and have a pretty high libido,” he paused, bringing his hands up to push his soaking wet hair back. Your hand dropped from behind his head. “But I also found that other pregnant women experience the exact opposite – have an aversion to sex.” He eyed you, squinting with a knowing smirk. “I could probably guess which type you are by how much you loved that just now, but . . . I want you to tell me. High libido or low?”

“Well,” you paused, your legs suddenly feeling like Jell-o. So, not wanting to fall or some shit, when he’d successfully pushed his hair back, you reached both hands up to wrap around the base of his head, your fingers working at your own massage on him. “I–I haven’t really felt a high libido for anyone but you. . . I don’t think I��d want it from anyone else right now. . . So, I don’t know what that makes me. High, maybe?” You pondered aloud, wanting his opinion of your predicament. “. . .If I only want you, a high libido for you?”

“Fuck. Are you serious?” You watched one hand reach between you to rub against the strain at his zipper. The other hand came to your hip, pulling you into him further.

He brought you as close as you could come with a new belly in the middle. He glanced down at the growing bump, his eyes gazing at it, so gently. He didn’t reach to touch it—not yet. . . Seeming to wait on you for permission, but not saying it. But. . . you just felt now was not the right time.

So, instead, you surveyed him.

The sight of him admiring your belly was almost too much to process. . . He was looking so carefully and affectionately — he got it. He felt it.

You sniffed, biding your tears the best you could. And at the sniff, his eyes flicked to you. . . His stare said something you thought daily.

That’s my baby, he seemed to say with only a simple twinkle in his eye. His dark irises became so light, his under eye circles seemed to disappear with the wonder in his stare.

He winked at you and sent you into a minor frenzy. As your heart worked to pick back up, he began moving his hand down to your ass to pay attention to the muscle you’d told him was sore earlier.

Your sighs filled the air, your senses overwhelmed by him. He rasped his next question, back on the topic from earlier, voice so low between the two of you. “You only want me?”

“Only you,” you confirmed, the honest words brushing against his face with your quiet, sighed response. 

“So, if I were to be wanting to. . . help you, you know. . . you’d say you have a high libido?” 

“So fucking high.”

“Thank fucking God,” he growled. And with one more push of his hand against himself, he moaned under his breath, and with one more squeeze to your ass, he grasped both of your hips, holding you to him tightly. Your belly, pressed between the two of you, still so foreign in a moment like this.

“Well, there are countless positions to try, but right now I can’t really–.”

“Don’t tell me you’re going to cut it off at all of the other shit, too,” you said, backing away from him, his hands dropping from you as you let go of his neck. “No kissing, so what’s next? What can’t you do? You never answered that.”

He started unbuttoning his sopping wet shirt. And when it was finally completely off, he reached up to drape it across the bar of the shower head. Your eyes tracked every. single. movement. The way his bicep rippled slightly with the stretch, the way his tanned abdomen flexed. . . every muscle, so beautiful in its prominence beneath his soft skin. 

When he was back from his task and looking at you again, shirtless and solid as a brick wall, you couldn’t help but let your eyes wander. He cleared his throat, bringing your attention to his face once more. The smirk on his lips and the way his eyebrow was arched pissed you the fuck off. Was this amusing to him?

“You think it’s funny? How turned on I am and you can’t do a damned thing about it? Even though you led me to believe you could?”

“Who said I couldn’t?”

“You just said you can’t–.”

“You didn’t let me finish, y/n,” he reasoned. “I was going to say I can’t do that right now because I need to focus on you before we get to sex.”

‘Before we get to sex’. . . was he planning on . . . more? 

Deciding to ignore that dangerous train of thought for the time being, you huffed, your arms still crossed at the top of your slightly rounded abdomen. “Well, I’m just confused.”

“The only thing I told you I can’t do is kiss your lips,” he reminded you, the calloused pad of his thumb coming up to briefly touch your plush lips. His eyes followed his action, your lips still pursed in annoyance as you challenged him with your expression and stance.

But you were wavering by the second, especially any time your eyes followed a drop of water from his shoulder, all the way to the waistband of his dark jeans. And every time you caught sight of the raging erection in his jeans. . .

“Y/n.”

Embarrassed and flushed, you flicked your eyes back to his face. You covered it up with indignance and frustration, your arms tightening in their position. “What, Jake?”

“I will do anything else you need,” he reassured, taking a tentative step towards you, boots clicking against the floor of the tub – where you’d managed to press yourself against the opposite wall of the shower. Your body betrayed you, your nipples once again peaking at his proximity. “And. . . I never said I can’t kiss other parts of your body. I can very much kiss you. . . elsewhere,” his eyes trailed to where your thighs were still pressed to relieve the persistent pulse of your center.

“Goddammit, Jacob,” you breathed with a roll of your eyes, arching yourself off of the wall towards him, just in time for him to meet you halfway. “You should have said that.”

His eyes bugged, a smile tugging at the corners of his lips until a bright white smile appeared in a laugh. “I tried! You didn’t let me.”

He wrapped his arms around you, pulling you tightly to him, your belly between you not letting you get quite as close as you used to.

“Then do something–please.”

He leaned forward, kissing behind your ear, right where you liked to kiss him. Then, he trailed his mouth down the column of your throat. He alternated pecks and open mouthed kisses, all the way to your shoulders, collarbones. . . You sighed, completely at his mercy. When he found your left breast, he gave it the most attention. 

He licked around the sensitive nipple of your left breast, mirroring it with the right. At which, he elicited a moan from you that quickly progressed into a very whiny wail. “Fuck! Fuck, yes!” You cried, grasping his wet hair, not sure how to stop yourself if you fell – your shaking knees were bound to betray you, you could feel it. “This is so fucking wrong.”

“I. Don’t. Care,” he growled against the wet, supple skin of your breast. Every word, emphasized with a lick around your tender, hardened flesh.

Your train of thought was halted as you lost all thought in your brain at him full-on kissing your nipples, rather than giving them little kitten licks. No, now he was giving them kisses just like he would your mouth. Tongue and all. You were going to finish from this alone. . . You watched him in pure astonishment, his eyebrows knit in concentration. Then, as if things could get any worse (better?) he moaned – the action vibrated against your skin.

Your hips jolted up into his. Both of you groaned in unison at the contact, his hard dick enticing you as you felt it, only a thin barrier of clothing between you. . . You felt yourself flex at nothing, your thighs feeling the wet result of your arousal.

You knew you were damn close to finishing.

“Don’t cum yet,” he commanded, mumbling around your nipple.

Of course he knew you were on the verge.

Your nipples, usually so fucking sore, felt like they were made of sparklers, electric under his soft mouth. “‘M not done yet.”

“But– I can’t– a-ah-ah!,” you moaned, your body beginning to lose its fight to stand up straight, near to giving out. “I can’t hold on for much longer, Jake. Please. I promise I’ll cum again for you,” you swore, your fingers lacing tightly into his long, chestnut locks. “Please, baby.”

The pet name slipped from your lips without thought of repercussion. But, you didn’t really care that you’d let it slip since it didn’t seem to deter him. In fact, it had spurred him on even more. 

“Not yet,” he bit out, his dark eyes meeting yours from their place at your full breasts. 

Then, he winked, making you throb from that gesture alone. Fuck. You were a goner. You weren’t sure you could do as he said. 

He went back to giving your body kisses, this time trailing back up to your face, little pecks covering every expanse of skin on your flushed face. Then, with one gentle kiss to the tip of your nose, he reached a hand up to hold your cheek.

His eyes held yours, open and vulnerable under his stare. So soft, he spoke to you with fervor in his tone. “I promise it’ll be better if you just wait, baby.”

Him returning the pet name didn’t help matters and only made you more desperate to fall apart.

So, rather than saying anything in return, you decided you’d try your best to follow his instructions. The only thing you could think to do was pinch your eyes shut and lay your head against the wall in frustration. “Fine,” you griped, hands tightening in his hair. 

His mouth worked, venturing down once again, giving sloppy kisses from your collarbones all the way to your hips.

Once there, his hands replaced his mouth and started kneading at your hips as his mouth kept moving downward. His hands did a stellar job at holding you against the wall to prevent a fall.

His hold on you was strong and intent. And, while holding you, as he simultaneously massaged your hips. . . it was fucking heaven. His thumbs moved and pressed with purpose, working the tired muscle at your joints. 

Fuck– he really had done his research to know that your hips could hurt like a bitch. And God knew yours did. 

“My hips– Jake, god. . . thank you,” you sighed, your eyes closing at the way your body felt weightless under his hands and mouth. 

Suddenly, his mouth was on your thighs, going back and forth between each leg until he reached your calves, his hands having to move down your legs with the action, still holding you upright as he knelt before you.

You opened your eyes, suddenly desiring to see him again, and you watched as he gave your legs unrelenting attention. 

You watched in wonder as he very slowly started to work his way up to where you needed him most. But, once he got there, he gave you a look that made your knees buckle. . .

Then, he began on you, wasting absolutely zero time. There was no warning for his mouth meeting your searing hot, wet heat. 

“Oh-oh-oh, J-Jake, f-fuck, yes!” You were nearly incoherent, but who would expect any different when you had Jake Kiszka making out with your wet and waiting pussy.

You’d been aching and waiting to have this again for so fucking long. . .The slew of curse words and moans that escaped your lips were useless, as they all came out as jumbled non-words. Utterly incoherent.

He was doing figure eights with his tongue, inching closer and closer to your opening, not even daring to edge towards your clit yet. Didn’t want you to fucking finish yet, goddammit. 

You clenched your jaw, a growl coming from your lips, unable to do anything but watch him. Your eyes couldn’t dare leave the sight in front of you. He was taking his time to lap at your folds, soaked and fluttering for him. Your hips jerked forward, not able to stop the way his lips and tongue were setting you on fire to the point of retaliation. 

You were trembling, your body not working on its own at all to hold you up. You were dependent on his death grip, now back on your hips, steadying you. He was pressing you so hard to the wall – you fucking hoped that he left bruises in the wake of his fingertips. 

He kept on with his work for a bit longer before the water started turning cold. Fuck no. 

And, of course, as if on cue, Jake backed away, wiping the corners of his mouth with the pad of his right thumb, his left hand still holding you to the wall. 

“I swear to god, Jacob Thomas, if you fucking stop because of some cold wa– oh!” 

He was back to licking up every bit of early release at your heat, flattening his tongue against your slit. You couldn’t catch a breath to finish what you were saying as he replaced his tongue with his fingers. He twirled his pointer and middle fingers through your soaking folds, until he met your entrance.

But, he stopped there. 

And you knew why. He could tell you were cold – obviously shivering from more than his mouth and hands. 

He could read you so well. You didn’t know if it was because of the connection you had to him by carrying his baby or what, but his instincts of your impending reactions came incredibly quick in recent days.

As he spoke, he kept his fingers at your core, spinning them to continue eliciting stimulation. The calluses of his fingertips were the perfect addition of friction to your swollen heat. . . you bit your lip, your head laying against the shower wall. You could barely concentrate on the fact that he’d begun talking.  

“You’re shaking, y/n,” he clarified, as if you didn’t know. 

Which, in true fashion, pissed you off. But, still hazy from his ongoing touch, you closed your eyes to center yourself. 

When you leaned off of the wall the best you could, you opened your eyes. Instantly, it felt like you were going to slip with the movement. But, just when your foot dared to lose balance, his hold on your hip tightened. His fingers were still spinning against you, just on the precipice of entering you. So, you were sure he’d felt your walls flutter at the way he grasped you.

But, he didn’t say anything. He was too focused on your chilliness and your center, your body straight-up shaking from the now-cold water. Turning around, fingertips still tucked between your folds–still not fucking inside of you yet–, he switched the shower off. 

“Jake!” You complained for no reason whatsoever. Well. . . you knew why you were complaining. You were worried. “Please, don’t let this be the–.”

“I’ve kept my fingers where they are to show you I’m not fucking done,” he responded, tone equally lacking tolerance for your attitude. “Can you just be fucking patient?”

“You’re not being patient!” 

“How in the hell am I not being patient?!” 

“Your voice tells me so,” you argued, hearing the way it sounded ridiculous as soon as you said it. You shook your head, body shaking from the cool nip of the bathroom air and your soaking wet body. He was also trembling, his body nearly as wet as yours. 

He removed his fingers, further aggravating you. . . but you couldn’t stay mad for long as he was eliciting a gasp from you, yet again, within seconds. You watched as he removed his fingers from you, bringing them up to his mouth to suck your arousal from them. Closing his eyes and moaning in the process, his opinion of the way you tasted apparent. 

Holy fucking hell. 

“Taste good?” You asked, trying to sound snarky, but failing from the way your breath had escaped your lungs. 

When his fingers left his mouth, he slowly started to stand, eyes connecting to and never leaving yours. His grip on your hip not giving up a single bit in the process. Once he was standing at full height again, he slid the shower curtain open, eyes staying hooked on yours.

He grabbed the towel hanging on the wall rack, momentarily leaving your gaze. But, as soon as he had the towel in his hands, his eyes snapped back to your waiting stare. 

“Fucking delicious. You taste better than anything – always have. . . No other woman compares. But. . . it’s–it’s even more-so now,” he paused, releasing your hip and motioning for you to come towards his arms with the fluffy, waiting towel. You turned your back to him, his breath sliding through his teeth. “Your ass. . . Fuck it all.”

You giggled, feeling so incredibly wonderful for the first time in so long. Holding your arms out a little, he wrapped the towel at your back and handed you the rest to finish wrapping yourself. 

He kept talking as you cinched the white towel around yourself, your breasts not appreciating the way you tucked the material tight around your chest. You winced at the feeling, pissed with the fact that your body was so sore.

Jake’s eyebrows knitted together in worry. “You okay?”

You nodded grumpily. “Yes,” you grumbled. “It’s my boobs. They just hurt.”

There was no missing the way he bit his lip, licking them soon after before he responded. “I’ll help you feel better, baby. Don’t worry.”

The buzzing in your veins was impossible to ignore, and you didn’t trust yourself to give a valid response with how lightheaded he was making you feel. 

All you could do was nod, eyes hopefully communicating your excitement. 

“Anyway, I read about the taste of a woman’s release, too. . . when women are pregnant, they have the tendency to taste sweeter than usual. And I can safely assure you, it’s the motherfucking truth,” his voice was hoarse with the last sentence. He kept on, locking his Amber-brown irises with yours. “And it’s fuckin’ erotic that you taste like the sweetest thing while you’re growing my baby. . . I can’t even explain it, y/n.”

You were positively twitching, your body threatening to unravel at any given moment. Now warm from the towel, you knew most of your shivering was solely from him. 

“You don’t have to. I get how hot it is. Trust me,” you assured, your mouth dry from it hanging open at his words.

Swallowing purposefully, you shook your head before stepping out of the shower. And, once you’d towel-dried your body enough, you bent to tie the towel around your hair, turning away from him. As you made your way to the mirror, leaving him to check yourself, you realized just how red your face was. “Ah! God, Jake, I look like fuckin’ Elmo.”

He belly laughed at that, the sound making your tummy ignite in a swarm of happy butterflies. “No you don’t. Trust me,” he said, still giggling at what you’d said. “. . . ‘look like Elmo’. You’re fucking hilarious.”

Not able to help the laughter bubbling in your chest either, you turned to face him to enjoy the moment together. 

Well—.

You first saw all of his soaked clothes, in a neat pile ready for the laundry, next to him. His belt, rolled tight on the toilet seat. 

And, Jake, completely naked. 

Your body reacted immediately, suddenly ready for the most. Your tone was way too eager when an inward ponder was spoken aloud. “Are we going to have sex?”

Dear God, y/n.

He smirked, shaking his head as he leaned past your naked body to get in the cabinet under the sink for the spare towel you kept underneath the sink. His fingers brushed your ass in the process and you didn’t want to discuss how quickly his touch heated your skin. You turned away from him, leaning towards the mirror to check out the two pesky spots on your face that threatened a pimple. 

“Was that on purpose?” You shot the other question his way, followed by a statement of your own. “My ass has increased in size, just like the rest of me, so . . . wouldn’t be surprised if it wasn’t on purpose and just because it’s huge.”

“It was most definitely on purpose,” he replied, causing you to lean back so you could give him your full attention. The response made your cheeks blush crimson red, barely visible through your slowly lightening skin.

When you swiveled his way, you found him towel drying his hair, his dick still fully erect and tempting the fucking hell out of you. You bit your lip, and he continued on, eyes closed as he focused on drying his hair. God, he was so handsome. “And I don’t know what you mean by the rest of you increasing in size or huge. God. You aren’t huge by any standard, and all I’ve noticed increase in size are the three things I enjoy watching as they get bigger.”

You flushed, turning away once more to work on towel drying your own hair before you left the steamy room. You’d want the towel to wrap up in the chilly hallway. 

Suddenly intrigued by the fact that you were talking so openly with him, you kept going. “The Three B’s? Boobs, belly, butt?”

Jake was laughing again at that, his snort unmistakable, even as you were bent awkwardly at the waist to towel dry your own hair. “Yes,” he chuckled, lighthearted. “That is correct. Did you make that up?”

Damn, I missed this, your mind absently trailed. He was everything wrapped in one.

“I don’t know,” you smiled, your body buzzing with all things him. “You didn’t answer my sex question.”

“No sex,” he promptly replied. Your heart fell, but obviously being oblivious to it, he kept on. “I’ve got a job to finish tonight that doesn’t include my dick.”

“What if I want it to include your dick? Aren’t you doing this to please me?”

How had the conversation just picked up like you’d never stopped being the two of you? The awkward air that had persisted, on and off since the wretched day in the kitchen in August — it was seeming to float away day by day with his knowledge of the baby in your belly. 

But, before that line of thought could run off, he was responding to you. 

“Are you saying you weren’t pleased with what I started in there just now?”

“Of course I fucking was, Jake,” you rolled your eyes. “But, still–.”

“You just answered the question yourself.”

You huffed with a roll of your eyes.

“Would you just finish drying your fucking hair so I can continue eating you out?”

The way your body temperature rose inexplicably at his words was not something you wanted to admit to, so you went with a simple response to keep you on level ground with him, rather than a quivering mess. 

“Aye aye, captain.”

Another snort, followed by a chuckle. “Shut the fuck up.”

“We’re not naming our baby Black Beard,” you stated jokingly, standing up to full height, eyeing him. “I know you love pirates and I love watching the documentaries with you, but. . .,” you grinned at him.

“God, fuck no,” he wrinkled his brow, shaking his body in an air of distaste. “We don’t hate the baby. We love the baby.”

And, for the umpteenth time that evening, your heart rate spiked ridiculously high. 

He loves the baby.

-🌼🌼🌼-

a/n: hmmm... Reader is convinced it’s a one time thing. buuuut does Jake? how do you think things will go in the bedroom once we've left the bathroom? ;)

Taglist:

@joshym, @gretavanfleetposts, @alyson814, @fretaganvleet, @lallisonl, @writingcold, @gvfpal, @twinszka, @jessicafg03, @reesetrippingthelight, @sacredjake, @laurenlovesgretavanfleet, @gretavangroove, @222headedcalf, @dreamssingold, @carbondancingthroughtime, @raviolilegs, @way-to-go-lad, @jakekiszkasmommy, @katgvf, @objectsinspvce, @jaketlover, @vanfleeter, @thetroublegetssoloud71, @seditabets, @jakekiszkapunchmeintheface, @jaketlove, @ohgodthefeeling-gvf, @starcatcher-jake, @anythingforjtk, @lucimoo, @indigostreakmorgan, @gretavanbear, @katelynn-gvf, @alwaysonthemend

@aintthatapity, @bowievanfleet, @fwzco, @takenbythemadness, @cherry-icecreamsmile, @laneygvf, @hi-hi-hello11, @sinarainbows, @jakesbarbarian, @mybussyinchrist, @becinabubblegvf, @heckingfrick, @danigvf, @pinkandsleepy1934, @derrangeddumpsterfire, @klarxtr, @josh-iamyour-mama, @abby-gvf, @cassyface, @gretavansabotage, @sacredtheslay, @alienobsever, @hollyco, @age0fwagner, @raceb14, @stardustcatcher, @styles-canvas, @ladywhimsymoon, @earthgrlsreasy, @peaceloveunitygvf

@torniturntomyarrow, @joshsbonnet, @llrosee, @starshine-gvf, @itsafullmoon, @gvfmarge, @creadliz98, @mackalah, @lek-gvf, @carlyfleet, @profitofthedune, @mefiorini, @welllauragvf, @highway-tuna, @dont-go-home-without-me, @sarah-gvf01, @polemicandcontent, @ageofbajabule, @texas-bbq-pringles, @builtbybrokenbells, @sacredtheslay

(please remind me that you wanna be tagged if i forgot to tag you!)

[macandcheeseperalta]

superheroes and sidekicks

(I first shared this over on AO3 but wanted to post it here for others to see! Enjoy!)

//

“Come on, Auntie RoRo!” Mac practically dragged his aunt down the hallway with all the might of a four year old. “Mommy and Daddy are waiting!”

Rosa smirked, not rushing with Mac and remembering Jake saying that there was no rush for them to get here. “We can’t run in hospitals, dude.”

“Says who?” He eventually stopped in his tracks to face Rosa. She watched his eyebrows furrow through his mop of curls. His nose scrunched up, wanting to see what weird answer his tía would pull out to fool him this time.

“The doctors and nurses, that’s who,” She retorted before ruffling his head. Standing up, Rosa held out her hand for him. He folded his arms and looked up to the ceiling, eyes closed.

“What now, Mac?”

“I’m a big kid. I don’t have to hold your hand.”

She rolled her eyes. There was no doubt that this kid was Jake’s, echoing every weird quirk and defiance of his father. Amy always said she was raising another Jake, despite her best efforts to sprinkle some orderly Santiago in him. They all hoped that this next baby would live up a bit more to the Santiago part of their surname. But in Amy’s words, they would love them no matter what.

“I guess someone doesn’t want to see their new baby brother or sister...” Rosa shrugged and turned around, beginning her slow walk to the exit.

Mac, noticing that this could mean no new little brother, ran back to his aunt. His hand grabbed on while pulling her back. “No! I wanna see him! I wanna see my brother!”

“You’re gonna listen then?”

“Yes, Auntie RoRo, I promise,” He held up his opposite pinky, “Pinky promise.”

“And you know pinky promises are serious right?”

“Yes ma’am!” Mac gave a wide toothy smile, one Rosa couldn’t resist smiling back at.

Her pinky locked with his, sealing the promise with their thumbs reaching up to touch each other. “And you promise you’re gonna be the best big brother ever?”

“Double pinky promise!”

“Even if your mom has a little sister and not a little brother.”

He bit his lip. “Maybe...”

“Mac...”

“But Auntie RoRo, girls are gross ! Jack from school says they have cooties!”

“I’m a girl. Does that mean I have cooties?” She raised her eyebrows at his statement. “I guess that means I’m gross too huh?”

“Nooo!” Mac giggled as Rosa led them down the hallway towards Amy’s room. “You’re Auntie RoRo. You can’t have cooties. You’re cool.”

“What does that mean?” She laughed.

Skipping now, Mac shrugged. “I dunno. Daddy just says you’re cool.”

It wasn’t long before the pair were outside Amy’s door. Rosa looked down at Mac, dawned in the light blue shirt saying “big brother” in white letters. She passed him the red and white superhero cape. Before leaving the apartment to go to the hospital with Rosa, he picked out a cape to wear and a spare for his newest sibling, convinced that the newest addition would be his little brother.

This time around, Amy and Jake decided to keep the gender a surprise for the rest of the world. Not even the littlest member of their family knew if they would get a little brother or sister. He was alongside the rest of the world, on the edge of his seat to find out what the baby would be. Mac’s heart was always set on the baby being a boy though, planning all of the superhero games they would play, who would be the hero and the sidekick, and who would get which toy cars.

“You ready to see them, Mac? Once we go through this door, you’re gonna officially be a big brother.”

The same toothy grin returned while he nodded excessively. “Yes! Yes! Let me in!”

Rosa chuckled before cracking the door open to greet the parents first. “You guys have a little visitor, if you’re ready?”

Amy nodded, her biggest smile beaming, as Jake stood in front of the bassinet to hide the little one. “Let him loose, Auntie RoRo.”

She opened the door wide open as Mac walked in, soon sprinting upon seeing his mom on the bed. “Mommy!”

“Mac Attack!” Pulling him into her arms, Amy smothered him with kisses, holding her first baby tight. Their embrace soon broke as she just took in every detail of her oldest. He wasn’t a baby anymore. He was now a protective big brother, grown up in more ways than one.

His eyes darted around before landing on Jake. You could see him begin to slow down and be gentle as he pointed to the thing behind his dad. “Is that the baby?”

“Yeah, you want to hold them?” She whispered back at his soft response. He leaned back against Amy as Jake walked over with the baby, bouncing them in his arms.

Looking down at the baby and back up at Mac and Amy, Jake’s eyes filled with love for this little family he and his wife created over the last four years. Neither of them thought this was possible when they first started trying. He will never forget Amy’s heartbreaking words about being bad at making babies, but he always knew that wasn’t the case. There were two pieces of beautiful proof that she was far from bad at making babies.

After all, their kids were liquid fire in every single way possible.

Jake joined them on the bed, snuggling into Amy’s side and adjusting the baby to rest in his son’s arms. “Mac, meet your baby sister, Lucy.”

“Sister?!” Mac frowned, looking back at both of his parents in disgust. “I didn’t want a sister! I wanted a brother!”

“Well, this is what we have, baby. Lucy’s going to come live with us.” Amy tried to mend the situation. Though this was the last thing she wanted to deal with today, she knew that there was no other option but to talk to Mac.

“No! I don’t want her! I want a brother!” Mac raised his voice, starting to wake up the sleeping baby as Jake pulled back their baby girl from him.

“Mac, inside voice. We’re at the--”

“NO!” His yells slowly turned into a full-on tantrum. Red spread across his face while he clenched his fists. “NO! NO! NO! I don’t want her!”

This was the turning point for the baby too. Lucy joined in her brother’s wails, trying to get out of the swaddle. Jake then stood up, giving a helpless look to his wife as she tried to console their son with a hug.

He tried to give Lucy a binky in hopes that would temporarily mend the situation. But to his dismay, she fought it. Jake’s eyes met Amy’s, both echoing the same sense of helplessness. He added a sigh while bouncing the screaming baby. “Well, this could’ve gone a lot worse.”

//

“Mommy, make Lu stop crying.” Mac spoke up from his respective place at the dining table as he colored a picture for his Grandpa Raymond.

It had only been a week since they brought Lucy home. And all four of them agreed that it felt more like a month than a week. Mac continued to refuse to believe that Lucy was really his sister, and tried on multiple occasions to get rid of her as soon as possible.

Amy gave a deep sigh from the kitchen nook, her daughter’s body against her shoulder and screaming. “Mac--”

“Oh, I forgot the magic word! Mommy, please make Lulu stop crying.” He smiled in hopes that the magic word would do its job and the baby would stop.

Despite her exhaustion, she still managed to laugh at her son’s antics. “I wish it would work that way... Buddy, could you go to my room and get her binky from the bassinet?”

“Binkies don’t belong in this house. You said so.” He went back to coloring, avoiding eye contact at all costs.

Amy sighed before sitting down at the table with him and adjusting Lucy into a more comfortable position. “Mac, I don’t want to play games today. Please be my big helper and go grab your sister’s binky.”

“No, I wanna color.” Mac whined as his focus remained on the picture.

“McClane Jacob, please just listen.” Her hand reached over and was put on top of his picture in an attempt to gain his full attention. There were no words to describe how tired and exhausted she was. And having Mac acting up like this was not helping her case.

“No!”

“Mac,” Amy’s finger pulled his chin up so her eyes met his. “I’m going to give you two choices. We can either listen and do what Mommy asked, or we can go in time-out. What would you like to do?”

He quickly turned his face away with a scowl spread across it. “I don’t wanna listen. I wanna color.”

“So I guess we’re gonna do time-out then, huh?” No response came from her son, causing Amy to stand up and put the baby down in her swing in the living room. “Mac, you have until the count of three to stop coloring before we’re gonna have a talk with Daddy when he gets home from work.”

Mac kept silent and focused. Amy sighed and held up her pointer finger.

“Mac, one.”

Nothing. She added a finger.

“Two.”

“But Mommy--”

“Two and a half.” Amy held off on saying three, believing her son could make a good choice in just seconds.

Watching her gut instinct become reality, Mac got off the seat and marched down to Jake and Amy’s room. He returned moments later with the matte pink binky before throwing it across the room with eyes full of angry tears.

She furrowed her eyebrows before picking up the binky and walking over to pick her son up. “McClane, that was not a good choice. I think you need to go in time-out for a little bit.”

“No!” He yelled, battling to be louder than his screaming baby sister. “I want Daddy!”

It would be 30 minutes later when Jake walked through the door to find a crying Amy sitting cross-legged on the couch with a sleeping Lucy in her lap. He hated that she had to be left alone with the two kids. She was left on the frontlines for too many hours as she battled both kids to sleep, to eat, to stop crying, and much more. Amy was definitely a superhero but now breaking under the pressure of it all.

“Rough day?” He hung up his messenger bag before inching towards the couch to join his wife.

She took a deep breath, leaning into his side and resting her head on his shoulder. Jake was her rock in moments like this. When she was at her end and not sure what to do next, he swooped in and brought peace. Not one that solved everything, making her kids happy, perfect, not-always-crying angels, but bringing hope to a situation that seemed so dark.

“Way too rough.” A sniffle escaped her nose. “Lu just won’t stop crying and Mac refuses to help and... I just suck at this.”

“No, don’t say that.” His head rested against hers. “It was just one bad day. One bad day doesn’t mean you suck at this.”

Both sat in the silence, soaking in the momentary quiet as their newborn slept. They allowed the emotions to simply be. He wanted her to be able to feel this, but wanted her to also know that she wasn’t doing this all alone. She just wanted him to be her rock at that moment. He was her anchor in every storm, keeping her stable and in place despite what might come next.

“What can I do to help you?” He finally broke the silence.

“Can you check on Mac?” She took a deep breath. “He wasn’t being helpful earlier. Threw Lu’s binky across the room.”

“I can definitely do that.” Jake pressed a long kiss to her forehead before standing up. “I love you.”

“I love you too.”

Jake later knocked at Mac’s bedroom door, leaning against the wall beside it’s frame. “Mac Attack, can I come in?”

“Yeah...” He heard the quiet response and opened the door to find a clean room and his son curled up on his big boy bed. “You’re room’s really clean, bud. Mommy would be really proud.”

Mac looked up, nodding. “Mommy got mad at me when you were at work.”

Jake joined him on the bed while pulling him into his lap. “Yeah, she told me about that. What happened?”

“I wanted to color and she wanted me to grab the baby’s binky. But I wanted to color so I didn’t. And then she counted to three and I got scared so I got it.”

“Then?”

“I threw it at her.”

The dad sighed, watching Mac play with the car in his lap. “Why did you throw it?”

Mac only shrugged.

“Were you mad?”

“Yeah..” Mac whispered. “I just wanted to color with Mommy. But she was too busy with the baby.”

Jake nodded, kissing the top of his son’s head and turning him to face him. “Mac, bud, do you wanna know a secret?”

He watched Mac’s eyes widen while nodding. “Yeah! Tell me!”

“But you gotta keep it a secret. Deal?”

“Deal.”

Looking around, Jake leaned in to be just in earshot of Mac. “Your mommy is a superhero.”

“No, she isn’t! Mommy’s just Mommy!”

“How do you know?”

“Because superhero’s wear capes and go and protect the world from bad guys! Mommy doesn’t do that anymore. She just holds Lulu all day.”

“You sure? Because I’ve seen Mommy do some really cool things.”

“Like what?” Mac crossed his arms and raised an eyebrow.

“Well,” Jake looked up at the ceiling, counting off all the things that make his wife a superhero. “Mommy wakes up super early to make all of us breakfast, she washes our clothes, and she takes really good care of you and Lucy when I’m at work.”

Mac cocked his head, questioning his father, “Superheroes do that too?”

“Of course! Mommy kicks bad guys’ butts but she also has to keep you and Lucy safe and happy.” Jake paused, “But here’s the thing. Superheroes need sidekicks, right? Well, Mommy needs a sidekick. Someone that is a big kid, that can help Mommy when she needs it, that can help keep all the bad guys away--”

“I can do that!” Mac hollered, “I’m a big kid! I have a cape!”

He laughed at Mac’s cape comment before continuing, “But sidekicks are always there to help everyone, even their baby sisters. You still up for the job?”

His son nodded with the widest grin. “I can do it! I can be Mommy’s sidekick!”

“I think you can too,” Jake looked at his son, full of pride. “But I need you to promise me one more thing, Mac.”

“What?”

“That whenever you want me or Mommy to hang out with you, you use your words and tell us what you want. No more throwing things and being mad without telling us. Okay?”

Mac sighed, nodding. Jake knew that this wouldn’t solve anything, but it would be a start for all of them. Hopefully, it would make things easier for Amy to have someone ready to help. Hopefully, it would help Mac realize Lucy wasn’t all that bad. Hopefully, this would be the change that would make everything right.

//

Folding the last blanket from the laundry basket, Amy looked up at the clock for the time. 3:37. Lucy was still peacefully sleeping after being put down for a nap. Jake was scheduled to be home in just 23 minutes. And Mac--

Where was Mac?

“Mac Attack?” She called out, hoping for a response from his room down the hall. The silence filled for a moment before she tried again. “Mac?”

“Shh!”

Her eyebrow rose as the sound came from her room. The only one in there should be the baby but that little voice resonated in there as well.

She tiptoed down to her and Jake’s room, peaking in to find a scene that warmed her heart. There on the bed sat Mac with her notepad and his own crayon, right beside the bassinet with the sleeping Lucy. His hand scribbled across the page as to fill in the gaps he created with color.

“What are you up to, bud?” Amy joined him on the bed, peering at his artwork.

“I’m just watching Lulu for you.” Mac finished his scribble while looking over at Lucy and then Amy. “You needed a break. Superheroes need breaks sometimes.”

After a quick chuckle, Amy smiled. For weeks, they were sure that Mac hated Lucy and would not relent until the two were older and out of the house. But this, this moment right here, screamed change. A change that Amy couldn’t put her finger on.

“Thank you, sidekick.” She leaned down to press a kiss to his unruly curls. “You’re such a good big brother.”

“I know,” Mac shrugged before stealing one more glance at his sister. He soon ripped his picture off the notepad and picked up a new crayon. “Want to color with me, Mommy?”

“I would love to.” She accepted the crayon but couldn’t take her curious eyes off his first picture. “What were you drawing before I came in?”

“My baby sister. You and Daddy were right. She isn’t that bad.”

[whatevenismyaestheticidk]

Things I’ve heard high schoolers say pt 2

Person 1: But air doesn’t splash Person 2: How do we know that, Im splashing the air right now.

Person: Prove me wrong. Prove fish can’t see air.

Person: I think you underestimate just how poor I am.

Person: I just invented a new thing. No Romo. Like no homo but with romance cause I’m lonely. Get it?

Person: So yah I burned my hair cooking ramen.

Person: Well I figured he wasn’t an adopted iguana.

Person: Say it. You know god is watching.

Person 1 upon heading the news of George Bush’s death: Wait he’s still alive? Person 2: No he’s dead that’s the point.

Person: I got it. *five second pause* no I don’t got it.

Person 1: My name is (name), but you can call me yours. Person 2: Okay nice to meet you yours.

Person: Don’t drink it all fool.

Person: Bruh you could literally turn in a gay fanfic and he’d give it an A.

Person: Bruh, what is this triangular accusation?

Person 1:It’s call physics. Person 2: Yah but I don’t take Physics hence they should not apply to me.

Person 1: Discreet. Person 2: No discr-yeet *dabs*

Person 1: Be impressed with my ability to bull shit. Person 2: I mean, it’s gotten you this far.

Person: Why do I feel like finals are lowkey Russian roulette? Like okay I made it through most of them but I still have a few pulls of the trigger to go and one of them might get me.

Person 1: Murder. Just do it. Person 2: I didn’t know that nike was sponsoring murder.

Person: How do mermaids reproduce if they’re just like conjoined legs?

Person 1: Frozen Yogurt Person 2: Fro yo Person 1: Frozen YOgUrt Person 2: Fro Yo Person 1: FROZEN YOGURT

Person: All I have to do to commit suicide is jump from my parents expectations to my grades.

Person 1: I mean yah I cheated on that test. Person 2: Man your love life it DOOMED!

Person: I was seeing if I was tripophobic by repeatedly stabbing my finger with my pen.

Person: You do know that crickets exist during the day right?

Person 1: Hey (person 2), we’re friends right? Person 2: ….. What do you want. Person 1: You know, that sandwich looks real good. *person 2 hand them the sandwich* OMIGOD THANK YOU SO MUCH I LOVE YOU!

Person: Omigod (person’s name) is going through puberty!

Person: If you pulled my ear I would have ripped out your nostril.”

Person 1: She’s attacking me! Person 2: No, he’s beating a woman, that’s not polite.

Person 1: I know many things! Person 2: like what? Person 1: ..... Person 2: my point.

Person: My shoes will be sparkly red stilettos. Fight me Dorothy.

Person: umm hello Christmas miracle even though I’m not Christian. Come at me 15 years from now!

Person 1: you’d make a really good baldie Person 2: yah you have a really rest head shape

Person: you know teletubbies? Yah that but compressed.

Person 1: I mean how will you become American? Person 2: paint me white, I’ll get a passport.

Person 1: I’m so funny. Person 3: it’s hard not to be when your life is a joke.

Person 1: So I’ve decided that my new career choice is to make school specific memes Person 2: That's Plan A? Yeash... at least Plan B lands you some cash

Person: I’m so small and bitter I’m like a human expresso

Person: You know what I’d name a baby kangaroo if I had one? David Jowie.

Person: I’m just saying that the orange red glitter crayon is you.

Person: I feel like a 1940’s schoolgirl who goes to an all girl finishing school where embroidery is a required class.

Person: I started high school with straight A’s, now I’m not even straight.

Person: Yeah, I’d swear by comic sans.

Person: (Persons name)stop being depressy and you’ll be more sucessy

Person: You can totally be insecure and self absorbed at the same time.

Person 1: Are you kids okay? Person 2: Besides crippling depression yeah.

Person: I don’t know it’s just giving me pig vibes.

Person: What drugs where the animators for “Pink Elephants on Parade” on?

Person: long story short I make like a semi hot guy.

Person: If I where pregnant id just be like 'you put this thing inside of me, you're helping me until it's out.'

Person: These girls asked me what type of  guys I like and being the simple gay I am, I completely blanked

Person 1: why do you read on your phone if you get carsick at 20 minutes? Person 2:Because it works for the first 19 minutes.

Person: Three Indians, a Thai, a Colombian, and an American walk into a bar. Just kidding they aren't old enough to drink. Three Indians, a Thai, a Colombian, and an American walk into a school cafeteria...

Person: I can't do alcohol cause I'm not of age but I can do drugs because they're illegal for everyone.

Person 1: you can't have a breakdown, it's the third day of school. Person 2:... so?

*Group of kids singing Bohemian Rhapsody in twelve different keys* Person: For gods sake choose a key!

Person: For gods sake that was complicated. You didn't need to send out a survey to see which episode of which season of which show to watch.

Person: Honestly I'd chose stab over dab any day.

Person 1: She said she'd throw me out of the window. Person 2: She never did. Person 1: She never did.

Person: What language is this? *pause* Oh wait it's English.

Person 1: I mean it's pretty hit or miss. Person 2 from across the courtyard: I guess they never miss, huh?

Person: Chu-chu bitch. I’m a train.

Person after loosing game of kahoots: I’m going to ka-shoot myself.

Person: So basically I need to learn Hungarian for a song.

Person: No one screams their sneeze, its not human

Person: If I where a mosquito I would bite you and you’d get malaria and die.

Person: That tide pod aesthetic.

Person: No I loved Barney, Barney was my bo.

Person: If I where my own boyfriend I’d dump me.

Person: It's already a really good song but then it's dubstep so it's extra good.

Person: No one is EVER to old for coolmathgames.com

Person 1: Why are you using a poon? Person 2:….. Person 1: WHY ARE YOU USING A POON?!

Person 1: I’ve been blonde for 16 years. Person 2: So what? I’ve been brown for 16 years and you don’t see me coloring myself white!

Person: Yes. Scrape the sweat off my hand.

Person: No one cares about a square cube of water.

Person: We’re melanin intoxicated.

Person: Well my life may be a mess, but at least I’m not doing drugs. Yet.

Person: Negative 13 out of 10, do not recommend.

Person: Yah that’s gunna have to be a no from me.

Person: Fool me once......fool me twice.......fool me as many times as you want, my first name is dumbass.

Person 1: Ya know, I think the Americans have the order of dates right JUST BECAUSE you can do 4/20/2019. Person 2: Okay but they’re still wrong though.

Person with AirPods: And where are YOUR AirPods? Thats what I thought you broke bitches.

Person: Salem witch trials bitches.

Person: La Croix, the AirPods of the soda world.

Person: Who needs a thermometer when you have… your hands!?

Person 1: It’s time to bring back SEXY MASQUERADE BALLS Person 2: It really is. I need an excuse to wear an incredibly uncomfortable dress that's so big I can't even walk through doorways. Person 1: And to wear a swan inspired mask that doesn’t cover enough of my face to deem myself totally anonymous enough to be half as bold and daring as i plan on acting that night but everyone else is on board we’ll all just forget about it the next day. Person 2: That's to specific for you to have made up on the spot, you've thought about this.

Person: It was lady Macbeth that drugged and made the guards drunk, without her Macbeth would just be like “I guess I’ll stab him???” Person: It’s like playing where’s Waldo but the page is India and I’m Waldo.3Person: Why are there so many frowny faces everywhere?

Person: This group chat is weird. It's either homework, deep philosophical conversations, or memes, there's no in between.

Person 1: Honestly, where DID it come from Person 2: The endless abyss that is the internet.

Person: Are you really blaming our generational depression on Jake Paul?

Person 1:  Oh. My. God. Guys. Keep your carbon dioxide away from my computer. Person 2: But sharing is caring. Person 1: But my computer doesn’t need this kinda of negativity in its life right now.

Person: Sweetie, if you think I’m going to stop wearing my favorite dress just because you kissed me in it, you are dead wrong.

Person with a metal straw: I don't drink broke.

Person: My whole life has become that sock on the floor. It's just there. When did life screw us over and then just ex? I’m just gonna write a book, and the last sentence will be life screwed them over and then exed. A story of the main character who gets screwed over, so I can get that 'it be like that sometimes' reaction.

Person in group chat: Positivity- I will make you feel better about being an idiot. Self Doubt- I will highlight all of your mistakes and set low standards for you so you'll never be disappointed. Me to Self Doubt- I'm listening...

Person 1: Sadly the disappointment never goes away... Person 2: Man we're a sad lot this time of year.

Person 1:It’s almost my favorite time of the year Person 2:Ahh yes. Singles awareness day, also known as chocolate sales at Walgreens eve, also known as... Valentine's Day. Person 1:... Oh... I meant rainy season.

Person: Being antivax is like swimming in shark infested waters because you're afraid the bridge could break lmao.

Person: I learned how eat a kumquat this weekend.

Person: It’s so sticky. It’s like clear cheese.

Person: Hamburger helper? More like hamburger help me pass this class.

Person 1: So I slipped on a grape… Person 2: You got K.O.’ed by a grape (person’s name), how does it feel.

Person 1: Look at me, I’m fine. Person 2: Well how many drugs did you take. Person 1: Several.

Person 1: Did you just say it’s ALMOST FEBRUARY? Person 2: Yes, it’s January 72nd.

Person: I knew your comedic standards where low, but poop jokes? Really?

Person: What? So are you insinuating the fact that reliablest isn't a word?

Person 1: [bitter old man voice] back in my day, tik tok was a kesha song. Person 2: Back in my day we had wires attached to our AirPods.

Person: There's a reason rainbows aren't straight. Just saying.

Person reading sheet music and seeing mf crescendo: I forgot that mezzo forte was a thing for a second so I thought it said mother fucker as a crescendo but mood

Person: He looks like a fine piece of toasted white bread.

Person: If life hasn't given me a fist bump by now, why should I give life one?

Person: we all died in 2012 this is hell.

Person 1: Who wants a pamphlet on condoms? Person 2: Why do you have this? Do you collect them? Person 1: Yah it’s my hobby. I have this one, one on HIV and one on teenage pregnancy.

Person: We live a society where reading about assassins and gory details is a hobby.

Person: Stop breathing so loudly on my thumb!

Person 1: I’m the comic relief. Person 2: For what? Person 1: Myself.

Person1: Who’s your valentine this year? Person 2: Me, myself and I. Person 1: Wow three valentines, you really can’t keep them away can you?

Person: Why do women gotta get their period, why not men. I wish I was born a seahorse.

Person 1: No we can’t all fit, her car is smol. Like you. Person 2:  Says you miss 5 foot nothing lmao. Person 1: Hey we’re the same hight so says you miss 5 foot nothing.

Person: No, that’s cheating no emotionally disabling people.

Person 1: Why is it that we’re talking about someone burning eggs on two different group chats. Person 2: Hey I didn’t burn them. Person 3: Cause why not?

Person 1:  That’s not how an Australian accent works. Person 2: This is why I’m not Australian, I don’t have the koala-fications.

Person 1: I’m Indian, numbers run through my blood. Person 2: That’s like saying I’m going to marry my cousin just because I’m white.

Person: So I ate veggies and hummus for lunch but then I counterbalanced it by eating a spoon full of straight Nutella.

Person: Seagulls, California Pigeons, what’s the difference?

Person 1: I humbly apologize and request your forgiveness. Person 2:  I humbly decline your request for forgiveness.

Person: I think I’m permanently stuck somewhere between “If you mess with me I’ll fight” and “If you mess with me I’ll cry.”

Person 1: It was implied! Person 2: What’s implied is your inability to accept that fact that I’m right!

Person 1: I got lazy because I was eating Pringles. Person 2: She values Pringles more than me.

Person: Yo, you be the crazy ex girls they be talking about in memes.

Person: I swear (persons name) if I hooked up with squidward in your dream your subconscious and I need to have a little talk.

Person: You get to die, and you get to die! Everybody gets to die!

Person: How do you just add a child?

Person 1: Look at this ink based pencil. Person 2: A pen?
 Person 1: This egg is all broken. Person 2: It’s like you then, you both broke under the pressure.

Lakshmi: Don’t force your opinion, voice it.

Person 1: If I where a fruit, which one would I be? Person 2: Sushi. Person 1:… Sushi isn’t a fruit.

Person: I mean it’s not straight up “Yo come here I’m gunna kill you.”

Person: Bye gays, bye (other girls name).

Person 1: No (person B) stop. Just shut up. You’re making me loose brain cells. Person 2: But… Person 1: No. Just no.

Person: Stop. That is non-consensual pizza eating.

Person 1: Cheese is not a vegetable! Person 2: Well it’s not a meat either! Person 3: Guys… It’s dairy.

Person: Idiots have priority over just regular dumb people

Person: God melted the polar ice caps just to make it rain for Noah then refroze them. I don’t know (kids name) I’m not god!

Person: You and I will go out, and leave them to their raw fish rolled in sea salad.

Person: Does anyone else get really energized when they change their room? Just me? Okay.

Person: I hope you know I will diss you guys to the end of the earth.

Person: Bruh talk to (person’s name) I don’t know sh… *notices teacher looking at her*…niahhh.

Person 1: The thing is, I don’t want to be 80 that’s rough. Person 2: Then just die at 50.

Person: You’d be scrambled eggs with hair.

Person: Seeing you two fighting, it’s like seeing a piece of light fighting a black hole.

Teacher: What can you tell me about probability? Student 1: I hate it. Student 2: Dont you mean you? Student 1: Yes both.

Person: My brain has the dumb I’m sorry

Person 1: If my first word was no, I’m assuming that’s foreshadowing for them my family disowns me after I renounce religion and systemic abuse. Person 2: Or…. You just need to make sure your last word is yes. Person 1: Yes to what though? Person 2: ‘Are you dying?’ Yes.’ Pessimism, just your style. Person 1: That’s true.

Person: My parents don’t message me, they’re the type of people who CALL. Where did I get my social anxiety from??

Person: Well guys it's been great knowing you I’m just going to drown now.

Person: I figured out a new diet regime, it’s called sleeping until noon and just not eating breakfast.

Person: The f on my birth certificate was the doctor paying their respects.

Person: Chocolates with raspberry filling are the sole reason I’m still alive.

Person 1: Isn’t Latin a dead language? Person 2: You’re a dead language!

Person: Hydrate before you diedrate.

Person 1: you have a son named Spider-Man? Person 2:  what noooo! Person 3: well don’t expose her!

Person: That awkward moment when you just really don’t care about people.

Person 1: (Person 2) and I will be over here with my virgin margarita and her water. Person 2: Hey! I want apple juice! Person 3: Why are you not drinking (Person 1)? Person 2: Because she’s to single, and also she’d strip. Person 1: Woahh! How dare you assume that I’m not drinking because I’m to single?

Person 1: Ya know, I think I’m going to have to jazz hands my way through hell. Person 2: All of us will.

Person: Brown town children, y’all find someone in India?

Person 1: Wow you have the best backup singers. Person 2: I only hire the best, at least 5 stars in yelp. Person 1: Well good because that’s  the sound they’re making.

Person: The cold kills everything, it’s like my heart.

Person 1: Remember the rolls I brought to school last year that I used to give you? The ones with paneer and the really good spices? Person 2: Yah? Person 1: This is not at all the same thing.

Person 1: What’s stevia? Person 2: It’s like sugar but no.

Person 1: Yeetus Skelettus. Person 2: Fetus Deletes? Honey, that’s called abortion.

Person: Anything for you. That’s what you said. Anything for you. But when I ask for just one bite of your pasta? No!

Person 1: I've written 1,300 words and don’t have a thesis statement or topic question Person 2: Yeah, you need to figure that out.

Person 1: you know I had a dream that you where in a romantic relationship with a toaster. Person 2:  wasn’t that your relationship with (ex’s name)? Person 1: you’d have more chemistry with a toaster.

Person: Can people read colors? Cause I am ooo.

Person: It’s like hands but medusa

Person: You look like a cardboard jellyfish that’s brown

Person 1: Two of us like boys. Person 2: We all like boys. Person 1: Two of us like ONLY boys.

Person: you’re like a reverse plant. You convert oxygen into carbon dioxide.

Person: Shhhhh. I’m not in physics, let me be dumb in peace.

Person: Why are you laying down like some greek god, get up you brown child.

Person 1: Do all of you just think you’re going to be single? Person 2: I already am why not keep the streak going to get a high score?

Person: and now cracks of light are coming out from around the sides like some sort of computer Jesus!

People 1 and 2: Rock Paper Scissors Person 3: shoot me please.

Person 1: not since 9/11 you can’t. Person 2: dang. You just tossed your whole country just to prove a point. I’ve never been so proud.

Person 1: what is an angle of depression? Person 2: it’s my life. Person 1: no it’s you because it’s not straight.

Person: Boom. Lesbians.

Person 1: Well what if two rocks just washed up at the same time and humans. Person 2: Evolution.

Person: Watermelon isn’t good anymore, I swear its just water with food coloring.

Person: You being dumb makes me want to correct you, sos too being dumb cause I’m on vocal rest.

Person: well (persons name) who have you a mouth?

Person: Teachers that grade late work deserve all the love and cookies and cake in the world.

Person 1: honestly I just want to die right now. Person 2: same. Literally same.

Person: I just feel like a single molecule lost in space.

Person: who’s gunna stop me? God? Damn him to hell.

Person: the line is not actually straight it’s like (students name)

Person 1: It’s your favorite sleep deprived gay. Person 2: But I’m my favorite sleep deprived gay. Self love. Person 1: We Stan.

Person 1: Why do you have a tool? Person 2: Because my hair is moist.

Person: eating lead was an otherworldly experience

Person 1: I have everything stolen from me 2: at least you have the tiniest bit of dignity left 3: what dignity? 1: exactly

Person 1:( holding up katsup) does this go on salad?

Person:I’m turning red! Me! A brown girl!

Person: I��m not trying argue that we should date, I’m just saying.

Person 1: what’s your biggest turn on? Person2 : a light switch Person 2: or then leaving.

Person 1: what is the most attractive retire on someone Person 2: my own face

Person: you’d be that one bar do white chocolate that just sits in the feidge because no one wants it

Person: that’s like saying I’d rather see your shirt than your face.

Person: why would I shut up when I can shut (kids name) down

Person: Subtle. Gay. Vibes. I’m telling you.

Person: just watch me write my ee on all the reasons why nick caraway is gay. Just watch me.

Person: Why are you stereotyping. What if the body doesn’t want trucks, what if he wants to be a fairy.

Person: being ace is basically just eww no but like forever.

Person: Stop trying to science your way out of being wrong.

Person: even if you did ask me out I’d still say no so then you’d even be rejected by a trash can

Person 1: you can’t read cheese color. Person 2: yellow?

Person 1: Think about  it like you’re brown Person 2: She is brown Person 1: Then act like it

Person: You’re not an ugly frog, you’re a beautiful human being. Person: I am. Very very dumb. And also. Bisexual.

Person: I was thinking of something smart but then I forgot what it was.

Person: I want to skip the crush phase and just make out with someone.

Person 1: The only way to get into the Holland family is to marry in through Paddy. Person 2: (Person 1’s name) this isn’t the royal family.

Person: Omigod you looked like the human version of squid ward.

Person: I want to be smart. Where can I learn smart stuff?

Person: But plant the seed and smoke the weed and chop the cane.

Peeeson 1: that is the definition of meter? Person 2: about 3 feet. Person 1: okay thanks America

Person 1: who’s Tom Holland? Person 2: Spider-Man you uncultured swine!!

Person: I am not a children

Person: Ohh dang yeah forgot chickens existed for a while

Person: Hey! Don’t narrate my water!

Person: I don’t read water.

Person: Think of it as a relationship. If you and your ex break up they are salty but you profit because you wanted to end it but if you end it weak, then y’all will argue back and forth and get nowhere with ending it while still exchanging insults.

Person: You know those really sexual mattress adverts?

Person: Oh please, you have the sexual appeal of an easy bake oven.

Person 1: weed is a gate way drug Person 2: YOURE A GATEWAY DRUG!

Person: (first, middle, last name), I love you to the end of the earth. But you are a daft child.

Person 1: She’s like that type of girl. She’s the long paragraph white girl. Person 2: Well that’s a niche if I’ve even seen one.

Person 1: swing you two fight is like watching two ants fight. Person 2: you friking piece of bacteria!

Person: I’m just an intellectual.

Person: I will murder your face off.

Person: that’s like a kilometer tall.

Person: It’s weird when I pet you horizontally.

Person: to be honest I thought those were rocks in a jar for the longest time. Turns out they weren’t.

Person: does she have a brother or gay tendencies

Person: I’m going to slap your hand like it’s a fricking spider.

Person: I like your face better blurry.

Person: every night at about midnight someone starts googling astrology

Person: I will kick you. I will murder your soul.

Person 1: I’m just going to marry a millionaire. Person 2: Where are you gunna finds a millionaire in this economy?

Person: Welcome to my tea party, there isn’t any tea to drink, but we have a lot of it to spill.

Person: Yah, it was something about sex or something.

Person: You’re all uncultured swines.

Person: I’m about as straight as a sine curve.

Person 1: They’re not Oreo’s you dumb head Person 2: I know that dumber head. Person 3 :Shut up dumbest heads

Person: As an ex foetus i can say with authority that if my mother had aborted me i wouldn't have known nor would i have given a fuck

Person: I’ve just accepted I’m going to fail this test. I’ve gone through the 5 stages of grief already.

Person: Yes I’m blind that’s why I need glasses fool.

Person: what the fork do you want you little son of a biscuit.

Person: Anyway now I’m taking Tylenol PM and I’m going to actually sleep tonight that’ll be fun.

Person: I need all the hoodies. ALL OF THEM.

[matildaisautisticandproud]

April 1st - 30 Days of Autism Acceptance

April 1: Introduce yourself. Talk about who you are as a person.

If you want to find the original challenge, you can find it @autie-jake here. DISCLAIMER: I do not own this challenge.

Hello! I am Matilda, and I was diagnosed with Asperger’s Syndrome at the age of 17, just before the diagnosis was changed. As of now, I suppose my diagnosis would be characterized as Autism Spectrum Disorder Level 1. Also, I have been professionally diagnosed with ADHD (Combined type), an anxiety disorder, and (Central) Auditory Processing Disorder. On the physical side of things, I have many food sensitivities, gastrointestinal problems, and experience chronic vestibular migraines (migraines that affect things like balance).

When I was younger, I always felt as if I didn’t belong in this world and as if I were different than everyone else. It was rather strange and frightening, and I couldn’t place the reason as to why I was feeling this way. Now I know why.

Ever since I can remember, I have been called “shy”, which is due to my social anxiety. However, things didn’t really start to get very difficult for me socially until after puberty (so, around Grade 7). My reactions to sensory stimuli also worsened from that year and on. It wasn’t until my first year of college that I decided to get an evaluation, and that was because I was really struggling.

I had been struggling all throughout high school, but my parents refused to believe that there was anything wrong with me, and even mocked my struggles (especially so my hypersensitivity to auditory stimulus). I mean, I didn’t seem too peculiar: All my class averages were 95+, I excelled in my honors and AP classes, and I wasn’t a troublemaker. The only reason I was able to excel was because I was afraid of disappointing my teachers. (Remember: Just because a child is convenient doesn’t mean they aren’t struggling. The only reason I was that way was because of my crippling anxiety controlling my everyday life, which it still does to this day.)

After my official diagnosis, I took to studying the ins and outs of autism, making it a special interest of mine that I still actively engage in. I love talking about my special interests, and I love to over share about my life. Also, info dumps are my forte!

I do have to admit, I am a fandom nerd. However, I get very… nervous when asked about my special interests because most revolve around fictional things (i.e. TV shows, movies, books) so, I have a few I like to keep a secret from others. I have a new one (that isn’t fandom-based) that I have yet to share with anyone too. Because of these obsessions, I do write fanfiction, but haven’t really been active with doing so as of late. Additionally, I write regular fiction pieces as well.

Okay, I have just one thing to say about the online ASD screening tests: Why do a majority of them ask if you prefer non-fiction over fiction? Personally, I enjoy both and am very picky when it comes to both genres as well.

EDIT: Okay, now me as a person. Well, I am an introvert who struggles immensely with making friends both in real life and online. Since I go offline for periods of time every so often, almost every connection I make with people online ends up dissolving, to my misfortune. Plus, I’m not a very gregarious or outgoing person so, it’s hard for me to reconnect with the person. Yeah… it’s rough.

I am in pain most of the time due to chronic gastrointestinal issues, but I still make the best of it. I push through every day even when I feel absolutely terrible! :)

For a few years now, I have invested myself in creative writing and have worked hard to perfect my craft. I’m still not at the level I want to be, but I’m working at it.

I am also a person who can fluently speak in memes and vines. You could say they’re an obsession of mine lol.

I am a people pleaser and try my best to be kind to everyone. Additionally, I believe in second chances and try my best to forgive those who trespass against me. The latter part is a work in progress XD.

On a more serious note, I am a mental health advocate. I have made it through an identity crisis, severe gender dysphoria, self-harm, and more. Over the years, I’ve learned that I am my best helper when it comes to these things; someone can tell me one thing, but until I realize it for myself, I won’t believe it. Stubbornness at its finest XD.

I want to help people, but I don’t exactly know how to go about doing so, so yeah… I’m learning how to do that so, that’s good!

I probably should wrap this up, huh XD? Well, I’d just like to conclude by saying that you should always be proud of who you are no matter what others say! Autistic and proud forever! Happy stimming! 😃

P.S. Always feel free to ask me questions! I don’t bite :)

[chuffyfan87]

Hiding. Part 69c (NSFW)

"You have rather exerted yourself this morning."

“Who knew I'd come three times in less than an hour.”

"Very impressive for an old man!" She giggled.

He laughed gently, “I swear I’m getting younger, not older.”

"Age is but a number!" Duffy replied airily, unable to contain her giggles.

He gently tickled her.

She squealed, her feet slipping on the wet floor as she tried to escape his tickles.

“MUUUUUM?” Lottie’s loud mouth could be heard at the bottom of the stairs.

"Oof! Ow!" Duffy complained as she landed on her arse. "Shit.

“I’ll rub your arse better later.”

"Hmm..." She grimaced as she stood up and grabbed her dressing gown and a towel. She walked into the bedroom, turned off the radio and unlocked the door. "Yes Lottie?" She called out.

“Oli’s crying.” She replied.

"Oh, OK." Duffy walked down the stairs and picked her youngest son up off the sofa, cuddling him against her shoulder.

“And Tilly’s snoring.” Lottie rolled her eyes and huffed. Once in his mum’s arms, Oli’s cries began to settle down.

"So I can hear!" Duffy laughed. Tilly had a bit of a cold so sounded like a train!

“She’s so loud!”

"You can be just as noisy." Duffy reminded her youngest daughter. She smiled seeing that Emily was also still fast asleep, her arm around Tilly's shoulder.

“Not as loud as Tilly though.” Lottie protested.

"True, none of you are as loud as Tilly!" Duffy chuckled.

Lottie giggled loudly.

"What do you think to pancakes for breakfast?"

“Yay!!” Lottie clapped. “Can I help you make them?”

"OK. I'll need someone to hold Oli though."

“Erm... daddy?” Lottie shrugged.

"Yes. I'm just going to pop back upstairs to get dressed and hand over Oli to daddy. Then we can make pancakes. OK?"

“Yay!!” She clapped and giggled.

Duffy ruffled Lottie's hair with her free hand and left to take Oli back upstairs.

Lottie giggled softly and went to wait for her mum in the kitchen.

Duffy went into the bedroom to find Charlie, the towel over one shoulder and Oli gurgling over the other.

He was dressed, just pulling on his jeans. “Would you like me to take Oli?”

"Please." She shifted Oliver in her arms. "Mummy needs to get dressed and make breakfast." She explained to the one year old as she handed him over to Charlie.

Oli snuggled into his dad but continued to watch his mum intensely. “The girls still asleep?”

"Tilly and Emmy are. Lottie wants to make pancakes."

“Lottie’s a good little helper at pancakes!”

"Yeh, she makes less mess than Tilly." Duffy laughed as she untied her dressing gown and dropped it to the floor.

Charlie’s eyes couldn’t help but roam her figure. She was beautiful.

"Eyes front Fairhead!" She chuckled as she moved to grab her clothes from the drawers.

“You’re so gorgeous.” He replied.

She blushed as she got dressed.

“I love what your body has done for me.”

"It has rather been to hell and back several times."

“But it’s still beautiful.”

"I'm glad you think so." She smiled as she pulled on a fresh tshirt.

“You are still, after all these years, the most beautiful woman I’ve ever met.”

"And you're still the same blue eyed charmer you always were." She smiled.

He caught her gaze and grinned.

She grabbed her brush and ran it through her hair.

He rocked Oli in his arms as the tot continued to grumble.

"You can bring him down, see if that makes him happier?"

“Yeah maybe he will.”

Once downstairs Duffy went back to gathering the ingredients for pancakes, Lottie bouncing around excitedly.

Charlie brought Oli back downstairs and they sat in the living room.

A few minutes later Lottie ran into the lounge laughing, covered in flour. She dove behind the coffee table.

“Lottie what are you doing?” Charlie laughed.

Before she had chance to reply Duffy's voice rang out from the kitchen. "Charlotte Fairhead come back this instant!"

“What’ve you done Lottie?”

"You haven't seen me!" She giggled.

Charlie shook his head fondly.

Duffy came through from the kitchen equally covered in flour. "Lottie?"

“What did she do?” Charlie asked.

"Threw flour everywhere." Duffy sighed.

“Charlotte Fairhead!”

Lottie kept her head down behind the coffee table.

Charlie couldn’t help but laugh. “Where she did throw the flour?” He asked Duffy.

"Where do you think?" Duffy asked, rolling her eyes as she gestured to her clothes.

“Over you?”

Duffy nodded. "So where is she?" She asked, though the direction of her gaze indicated she already knew the answer.

“I think you already know.” He smirked.

"Oh I don't know, she could be anywhere..." Duffy smirked as she tiptoed towards the coffee table. "...Like under here!" She finished, leaning down.

Lottie giggled loudly. “I not here.”

"You, madam, have a kitchen to tidy up!"

“I not here.” Lottie replied again through giggles.

"Hmm..." Duffy replied, unconvinced.

“I not.” Lottie continued to giggle loudly.

"Lottie in trouble?" Tilly giggled as she woke up.

“No.” Lottie replied.

Tilly's voice and movement woke Emily. "Huh?"

“Lottie’s been naughty.” Tilly told Emily.

"Oh." Emily replied.

"Up you get Charlotte!" Duffy insisted.

“No Charlotte’s here. Lottie here though.”

"Well, if that's the case then she won't be getting any pancakes." Duffy replied, crossing her arms.

“No pancakes?” Lottie gasped and stood up, coming out from behind the coffee table.

Before Duffy had chance to reply Jake came rushing in. "Mum! Dad! The kitchen's on fire!"

“What?” Charlie’s eyes widened.

"Shit!" Duffy gasped as she ran back to the kitchen.

Charlie decided to evacuate the house. Just as a precaution. He managed to get all the children into the front garden. “Duffy?”

She followed him outside a few moments later. "You are all so dramatic! It was just a small fire. Nothing major." She sighed, coughing slightly.

“You should get checked out. Are you alright?”

"I'm fine. The tea towel isn't and we may have to make alternative arrangements for breakfast..."

“Ah.” He smiled sadly, “You sure you’re ok?”

"Yes. I just left the pancake mix too close to the stove in all the chaos. It's not that serious."

"You do know flour can explode when it catches fire mum..?" Peter chipped in quietly.

"Peter..." Duffy sighed.

“Really? I didn’t know that.” Charlie replied with a small smile. “You learn something new every day.”

"Yeh, it's to do with the small particles. We did about it in science. It's pretty destructive..." Peter trailed off as he caught the glare his mum was aiming his way.

“Tell me more.” Charlie encouraged Peter, despite the glare the poor lad was receiving of his mother.

"Um... Even just a small handful is enough to blow up a room..." Peter mumbled, looking at the floor.

“Babe, will you stop giving our son daggers!”

"The kitchen was never in any danger of being blown up!" She retorted.

“Ok.” Charlie said.

Duffy wasn't totally convinced by the look in Charlie's eyes. "Seriously Charlie..!" She sighed.

“What babe?” He smiled, meeting her eye.

"I'm a big girl and I was never in any danger, OK?" She told him firmly.

“I believe you.” He replied.

"Please tell me you haven't called the fire brigade." She sighed.

“No, not yet.”

"Good." She turned to the kids. "Right, everyone back inside but stay out of the kitchen."

The children and Charlie returned indoors.

Duffy stood in the kitchen doorway surveying the damage.

Charlie crept up behind her. “And it’s usually me who sets fire to the kitchen.” He joked as he kissed the side of her head.

"Not funny!" She hissed. "Between this and the broken window..." She sighed.

“We’ll manage.” He reassured.

"I guess I'll just have to work extra shifts once the kids go back to school after Easter." She sighed.

“We’ll both work extra shifts.” He reassured.

"I shouldn't have let Lottie distract me..."

“Hey, don’t be blaming yourself.”

"I should have turned the hob off before I came through to tell her off."

“It was an accident.” He kissed her cheek. “I would’ve done the same.”

"Why do these things always happen to us?"

“Because things are sent to test us.” He smiled, “Story of our life.”

"Yeh." She paused. "Sorry I ran back into the kitchen." She whispered.

“It’s alright.”

"It honestly was just a small fire..." She insisted despite the obvious damage.

“I believe you.”

[harryspirate]

He nods his head. “Uh huh, me do it” he says. I laugh and look at him. “Excuse me, did I not do any work?” I ask. He giggles and shakes his head. - Harry

"Daddy's a good helper," I tell him and he nods. After we eat, you give the boys a bath while I clean up the dishes. After the boys go to sleep, I finally give in and ask you about Emily's visit. "I know you said it went fine, but how was Jake really?" - Courtney