#janesvault

[spacetimeodysseyofjane]

From the Vault: 27 May 2020

I dont have the energy to talk to people, hence, the multiple posts. It's kinda dumb sharing stuff here instead of having a smart convo with real people. But this is me, I dont like discussing about my emotions. I'd rather talk to myself or throw out these thoughts to this senseless void called Tumblr hahaha! stupid, right?

Anyway, since my brain is a mess lately, I'm journaling again. I'm not writing for the longest time coz I'm lazy and my hands easily get tired! hahaha lazy btch :D I visited my old journal entries, and I found this! It was already 2 months of lockdown when I wrote this. I cried when I read this again, and I'm crying while typing this. I was so lost during that time that almost everyday of my life, I'm wishing to die. I didnt have any plans of hurting myself but I just dont care about living anymore.

I was so so so sad because I felt so alone. It felt like everyone doesnt care about me, even my family. They were so caught up with their own problems, they have forgotten about me. No one asked me if I was doing fine, I had to go through everything alone. They didnt know that I was about to lose my job, they didnt know that I was losing my sanity. I never asked for their help, I dont want to be a burden to them. I had to hold the fort because I needed to. I know they love me but during that time, they are all focused on more pressing matters and I understand that. I had to be strong for myself because thats how it is.

I dont have any grudges in my heart because it's also my choice not to ask for their help. I’m not trying to invalidate my feelings, but they are facing more difficulties than I am. I just dont want to add more trouble. I always tell myself that the only person that I can depend on is me. It's sad that this is the mindset that I have but it has its perks! lol. For starters, I am not causing inconveniences to them! lol! I love them to bits that why I just kept it to myself. If I can do it, then I'll do it. And I did it!

One thing that kept me going during those times is Caleb. He is the light of my life. I believed in miracles again because of him. He inspired me to be better and to appreciate the little things. I learned to be grateful. I started working on myself because when he grows up, I want to be someone he can run to if he needs help. I dont want him to experience what I went through. I want a better future and environment for him. And I vow to do that as long as I live.

[spacetimeodysseyofjane]

From The Vault: 11 Mar 2019

Having fun, eh? How are you doing? I am sure that you are still hurting but kudos to you! getting better each day! You have already did a lot of things, I know its a long long way, but youve already started it.

Its okay to be sad at times, no one is stopping you from feeling that way. Your feelings are valid. And dont ever think that you are weak for feeling sad. Just dont go back to anything/anyone that brought you pain.

Keeping yourself busy is helping you, please, please, continue being productive. Dont let any frustrations get into you. You need to build yourself up again.

You did it before, you can do it again.

Fast forward! I did it! Visited my old journal and I found this. Grabe! it felt like a century ago! To be honest, I have forgotten most of what happened! One of my bestfriends told me that I am so good at repressing memories! hahaha! I guess, it was legit painful for me that my brain pushed all the bad things to my unconscious. lolz.

I am trying to recall events, but I can't clearly remember. I just know that it hurt so bad that I want to start anew. I deleted everything, didnt leave a single convo from any social platforms. I also unfollowed and unfriended people who are not good for me. During those times, I want to disappear! I was even praying to God to give me amnesia! hahaha!

What happened last 2019 was super strange to me, I wasn't broken because someone left me. I was heartbroken because I failed myself. I betrayed myself in many ways. I allowed things to happen even though I am aware that I'll regret the outcome. I was heartbroken because I hurt myself and I hurt other people.

_________________________

2023 UPDATE!

i'm cleaning up my tumblr drafts, i wrote this last year. i dont know why i didnt share it. lol. i just realized that i've been blogging my life since i was a teen and here i am, turning 30 and still doing it :D i'm glad i documented my life. i know it's weird coz i dont want this to be out in the public but writing is therapeutic for me and i'll never get tired of blogging.

anyway, there's a strange feeling after reading the post. i know that it happened but i cant remember the exact feeling. and i am happy about it lol i sure dont want to experience that again. but there was a point in my life before that it hurts so much that i thought i will never get over the pain. and now it's gone. everything will pass. :)

funny coz while writing this, so yesterday by hilary duff is playing

Laugh it off and let it go and When you wake up it will seem so yesterday, so yesterday Haven't you heard that I'm gonna be okay?

[spacetimeodysseyofjane]

FROM THE VAULT: 2020

I write the most random stuff, I'm reading through my "drafts" and here's what I found:

I’ve always believed in the idea of a parallel universe or multiverses. There’s so much about space and life that we don’t know and I find it comforting that maybe, just maybe, there’s a happier and better version of myself out there. When I was a kid, I dreamt of becoming an astronaut, but that’s super impossible because I’m not that smart to be one ahaha! I told myself that if NASA will ask for volunteers to live on Mars or anywhere in outer space, I will gladly grab the opportunity (even if there will be no chance of going back to Earth).

[spacetimeodysseyofjane]

FROM THE VAULT: 2017

Opened my FB account again, I do that whenever I'm feeling meh. I need a reminder that I'm better now. Hahaha! Looking at my photos from 5 years ago made me sad! Bittersweet memories. LOL. I was so harsh to myself during those years. I was trying to prove everyone that I can do great things.

For me, everything was not enough... I was not working hard enough to be on top of the corporate ladder. I was not studying enough to finish my masters. I was not adventurous enough to explore the world. I was not good enough to everyone. I was not enough.

I was always comparing myself to others. My goal was for my parents to be proud of me and for everyone to like me. I never thought of what I want or need, I didnt have goals for myself, it's always for other people. Seeing my 23 year old self brings tears to my eyes. Because I know that it was a difficult time for her, she felt alone and lonely. I just want to travel back time, hug her, and tell her that she's doing fine.

Grabe, at that age, I was working and studying. And mind you, I was paying for my own tuition. I was going to concerts, museums, and conventions on my own. I was travelling and exploring. Ang dami ko na pala nagawa, I guess the only regret I have now is I didnt give enough credit to myself.

Cringefest but shoutout to my 23 year old self, you did well! I am proud of you. Hahaha!

I'm happier than ever, at least that's my endeavor To keep myself together and prioritize my pleasure

[spacetimeodysseyofjane]

FROM THE VAULT: 08 SEP 2022

Time is fleeting that’s why I love taking photos and videos. There are moments that I just want to freeze. Memories that I want to remember forever.

And this is one of those that I want to keep. I was in a coffee shop, drinking coffee with my boyfriend. I was telling him that I look and feel ugly, and bc he was too kind; he said that I am beautiful.

Cheesy, corny, and mushy… I love that about him. I never had someone in my life that I can call mine until he came.

[spacetimeodysseyofjane]

From the vault: 09 Jan 2021

Movement is life.

I wrote this last year, never got to finish this because I feel so sad just thinking that I will move again. But look where I am right now! hahaha far from the Metro :D I guess, it's already embedded in my system that I need to keep on moving.

Unconsciously, I am craving for change no matter how much I hate it. Here I am in the province, living with my grandparents, away from the city, away from everyone else. For the first time in forever, I feel calm and at peace. For the first time, I feel that this is home. Not the place, but myself.

Still unsure if I will stay here for long, I just want to enjoy every second that I am here. Grateful for all the things that I am experiencing and will experience. Right now, I am just happy to be living. :)

[spacetimeodysseyofjane]

From The Vault: Jul 2020

Things I learned about life at 26.

It’s okay not to be okay. This is a cliché but trust me, this is very important. Oftentimes, we forget that we are human beings who can get hurt, we try to be okay even though we’re not. If you are sad, just be effin sad! The world is not always rainbows and unicorns. I learned this the hard way.

Don’t plan everything. Life is not going to be how you want it to be.

Be financially wise. Be mindful of your money, invest, save up

Have fun and enjoy the money you earned. Work hard, party harder, right?

The people closest to you will hurt you. Ouchie. Haha!

Grab every opportunity that will come your way.

Don’t take your parents for granted.

Learn to cook.

Don’t be afraid to love.

Stay true to yourself.

Lol cue in 26 by Paramore :D

[spacetimeodysseyofjane]

From The Vault: 05 Nov 2020

Hahaha! I have posts that are sitting on my drafts folder for months and this is one of those. HAHAHA! Lol ang funny, sometimes when I read my convos with friends I get so surprised, this is so not me. :D But anyway, I am posting this now because my feelings for this guy are all gone. Ewan ko ba, maybe it was the the stress and loneliness from the pandemic talking that’s why I said these things! I swear I am laughing while typing this. hahaha! In all honesty, what I said to my bestfriend were true... Still true... But now, I wanna be the first choice. I don’t want to be the person who is always sacrificing her happiness. From my experience, when you are used to sacrificing, you don’t only lose the person, but you also lose yourself. I don’t want that to happen. I’ll never let that happen again. So yeah, here’s to a healthier perspective and outlook in love. :) <3

I was talking to my bestfriend weeks ago, she asked me what my concept of love is. It took me some time to answer because I really don't know what to say to her.

Then, it led me to this response:

I was shocked with my reply. I've always believed that love is just a chemical reaction but I was only pretending. Deep down, I know that love is always thinking of what's best for someone. Love is choosing Love is sacrificing your own happiness.

[spacetimeodysseyofjane]

From the Vault: 25 Aug 2019

I miss the hustle and bustle of the city. Haysss. When are we going to see this again?

[spacetimeodysseyofjane]

From The Vault: 05-Sept-2015

Another mail from my icloud. My iPad is like a treasure chest full of emotions and feelings that I cannot express and verbalize. Hahaha! I can’t believe that I have all these thoughts that I never shared to anyone but myself. Hugs to my old self, I wish she’s happy and proud of me. 

9:52 am

I don’t know what’s with UV rides haha, it's like a catalyst, my thoughts are like fireworks shooting to the sky right now.

I know a lot of people know this... The greatest thing you can give your self is love. You can never give enough to other people if you don't respect and love yourself. All will fail, but not yourself. Anyone can break your heart, but there's always you. I know its sounds pathetic being alone, lonely, and loving yourself. But I think one should be selfish. Because in this world, everyone tends to hurt each other. I don't know why. Its like everyone wants to be loved but they also try to give misery to each other. Ang labo.

Right now, I'm trying to give myself time to be in love... In love with myself. Because I keep on liking people who doesn't like me. I think they can sense that I doubt myself even though I keep on fronting a confident persona. Whatever, maybe its just me denying the fact that I'm not likable. See that's me again doubting myself. Whatever.

I still think of him, I'm trying to ignore what I feel. Because I'm a mess right now. This is an infatuation, I’ll get over this sooner or later. But its taking so long. I dreamt of him last night, I know I dreamt of him. I just forgot about the dream. He’s not even handsome for effs sake.

So yeah, this is me, ranting about the same old things. (Now playing: reason to sing, tonight alive)

[spacetimeodysseyofjane]

From The Vault: 27-Mar-2016

My old posts are 💯 emo. Reading them makes me feel sad, I wanna hug my past self and tell her that everything will be fine. Looking at my old blog is like meeting a stranger. She’s a totally different person, she is so sad and miserable. I really wish I knew better because I was lost for a long time. I was trying to find myself and purpose. I was always doubting myself. I was surrounded by people who are important in my life but I never felt the connection. I was so occupied with negative thoughts that it also stopped me from building meaningful relationships. 

Everything’s better now, all praises to Him! I will never get tired of acknowledging God’s amazing graces and blessings in my life. If my 2016 self can read this, she will be laughing and she’ll be like “ang corny mo”. Hahaha! But my life changed when I recognized and welcomed God again. Huhu, I get emotional whenever I talk about this. My heart is filled with joy right now. 

I know that some people are also like me before... no direction in life, always anxious. I was very doubtful of God. I dont want to judge them, who am I to judge them? It’s difficult to believe in something that you are unsure of. It’s difficult to believe when you are in despair. I guess it’ll just happen when you’re ready. No one forced me to read the bible and attend mass. I did it because I want to. I did it because it helps me and I am grateful to God.

I have been searching for something that is missing in my life, have found it? I honestly don’t know yet. I am still the 2016 Jane who is worrisome, the only difference is that I believe that God is always by my side now. Whatever problems or challenges I face, He is there. 

Isaiah 41:10

So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

[spacetimeodysseyofjane]

From The Vault: 25-Feb-2016

I love visiting my old tumblog... it’s like meeting the old me and learning from her. These pieces of shitty love advice were inspired by a best friend who was going through a weird relationship years ago! hahaha lol to be young and in love. I wouldn’t follow any of these tips so why on earth I wrote these things? jk But to be honest, most of it are true. My 22 year old self has better insights in relationships even though she hasn’t experience being in one yet. 

- If you love someone and they also love you, don’t waste your time thinking of negative things.

I never had someone who likes me back, you are very fortunate to find someone who has the same feelings for you, so stop doubting and ruining your relationship! For F’s sake, if you want them to stay in your life, do everything to keep him.

- Communicate.

If you want to tell him something, tell him! I don’t think being honest and straightforward will hurt you, if you have a problem with him, let him know!  He is not a mind reader.

- Don’t complicate things.

What I really hate about you is how make things so difficult. He likes, you like him… What’s the problem? Why can’t you just enjoy each other’s company?

- Don’t make decision when you’re at the highest peak of your emotion.

Just because you’re jealous, you’ll decide to let go of him. Mygosh, friend, that’s really stupid. Not everything you see is true, so don’t ever ever walk away from the person that you value the most just because of something you’re also unsure of.

- Be brave.

Brave enough to admit and accept that you are in love. There’s nothing wrong feeling that way. Loving is a blessing itself and if you love someone, let him/her know.

[spacetimeodysseyofjane]

From the Vault: 05-Apr-2019

Best weekend with my college bestfriends! We were drinking for 3 consecutive days! Inuman from Friday to Sunday, so sorry to my dear liver! hahaha I remember we started in Rue (fave!), then we continued the sesh in Laguna and we didn’t stop til 3am ahhaha. Then, the next night, we decided to drink again! It was really a simple weekend of hanging out with the most amazing and funniest set of friends I have. We just reminisced our days in the university, we were laughing non-stop! hahaha It was really fun. I remember thinking to myself back then how blessed I am to have them in my life. I really miss them. I wish we can make more memories like these. But I think the next time will see each other, there wont be no more alcohol. hahaha

[spacetimeodysseyofjane]

From The Vault: 24-May-2015

Six years ago I applied for graduate studies and fortunately I got into the program. But due to personal reasons (lol), I decided to take a break from studying...

Anyhoo, I found this on my icloud which I recently retrieved. Part of the application is to write an essay based on the following questions:

Below is the draft that I made. Sorry for the typo and grammatical errors...

While reading this, I keep on asking myself: Do I still want to be a psychologist? Am I the same person who wrote this? Is my 21 year old self proud of me?

Five years from now, ive already finished my master's degree in clinical psych! I see myself as a registered psychologist and a college professor. I also see myself as continuing my studies and taking up PhD

I'm interested in taking up my graduate studies in Clinical psychology because it will help me broaden my knowledge in that field and it will take me a step closer in becoming a registered psychologist. Ive always wanted to be a college professor and Having a graduate degree will serve as a ticket for me to be able to teach Psychology in a university. Also, one of my long term professional goal is to be a registered psychologist, to do that I should pass the board exam and one of the requirements is to earn units in ... And i can only do that if I have finished my masteral.

One of the reasons I want to get a graduate degree is for me to be able to share my knowledge in Psychology and teach other people about the importance of this field. I think teaching is one of the best way to contribute to the development of society because raising awareness and letting the  if I can show the future generation the importance of mental health and Psychology in our life then I'm contributing to the society in general.

I am deserving to be admitted to the program because, Im a hardworking  person, when I have a goal, I make sure I will do everything to achieve it.

Ive always wanted to focus in our country's mental health program, I've had my internship in National Center for Mental Health and I saw how the patients are treated there. I wanted to investigate more on the

I honestly don't know what to do now. I am old enough to make a decision for my future but I am still unsure of what I really want. But that's okay, I learned that I don't have to pressure myself and give in to other's expectations of me. 

There are plans that won’t materialize and there are dreams that wont come true but that doesn’t mean I fail as a person. I am enjoying where I am now and I think that's the most important thing. I know that in time, I'll figure out what and who I want to be. :)

For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future. '” — Jeremiah 29:11

[spacetimeodysseyofjane]

From The Vault: 12-Feb-2019

February 12, 2019 is a memorable day. I was on my way home, inside the bus, crying, typing those messages. Tears kept falling and I cant stop them. It was so sudden, I didn’t even care that people are looking at me. I don't know it was possible to feel so empty and heavy at the same time.

When I arrived in the terminal, I gave myself a few more seconds to cry. And then I sucked it all up. I shed away the tears and faked a smile because I don’t want Mama to see me like that. Looking back, I think that's the cruelest thing I've done to myself.

During that time, I stopped going to school, I was performing poorly at work, plus I'm dealing with problems at home... everything was falling apart. Sucks because I don't share things to anyone and I don't want to admit that I was in a really bad place.

It was the lowest point of my life. I was already on the ground and life kept on kicking me ‘til I can't get up. Haha that's how I felt. I hated losing and being rejected. Failure was staring at me and there was nothing I can do about it.

But hey, that was in the past, I am really glad that I asked for help. It feels so good to be vulnerable, it feels so good to know that even at my worst, there are a lot of people who are willing to support me. It feels so good to finally admit that I am weak, that I am not okay.

For the first time, I allowed myself to be me. It was difficult accepting my flaws and mistakes. I had to forget about my pride for me to realize that I was a toxic person, that I was miserable and horrible. But I did it. I showed my friends and Mama the side of me that I only knew, the part of me that's sad and embarrassing. I was honest to them, more importantly, I was honest with myself.

I was so relieved because I always thought that the only reason they like me is because I am happy and strong. I have this false belief that my friends and family will hate me if I’m a loser, but I was wrong. They accepted me even though I was a mess. They didn't judge me for my mistakes, they were so understanding. It didn't matter if I was being too emotional or irrational, they just listened to all my rants. They guided me to make the right decisions. They were there, they never left me. 

I am happy that after all the breakdowns and breakouts, I'm finally doing and feeling better now. I wouldn't have done it without my loved ones, so thank you to everyone who were there and still here with me.

I'll never forget this day because it was a blessing in disguise. I thank God for everything that has happened because it brought me closer to Him. I am forever grateful to Him for blessing me with people who genuinely care and love me.

Always trust the process. Always trust Him and His plans.

😊