#jesusbeatscancer

[mrsronan]

Mustard Seed Hope

In March I was pulled off a clinical trial and saw growth in my tumors. I began losing hope. My thoughts were focused on how I needed to prepare for dying. I felt most things are in order for the worst case scenario of if I die. But, there were a few loose ends to tie together. I wanted to make sure my daughter was enrolled in pre-school and she had someone set up to take her to ballet classes. I’ve been talking to a few family members about what I hope Catica’s long term care will look like if I’m ever not able to be a part of that. I’ve told a few really really close family members hopes for my funeral arrangements. 

My silent thoughts often began with “when I die…” Rarely was I having any thoughts that I might live to see the future (I’m not sure how far in the future it needs to be to be considered the future, but that’s a whole nother topic). I had been keeping my dismal, doom and gloom thoughts to myself. I figured there was no need to drag anyone down into this hopeless pit with me. I was depending on the hope and faith of others to get me through this time. 

Then, one Friday morning I decided to let my husband in on the level of discouragement I’d been feeling. Right away he began praying God would do something to encourage me. That night we went to a worship and prayer meeting at my church. The Holy Spirit moved. It wasn’t a powerful passionate prayer, it wasn’t a worship song that touched me deeply. It was the Warriors (dubnation!) I was journaling and pulled out my phone to look up a scripture. At the same time I got a message from a friend offering me her tickets to game 1 of the first round of playoffs (Warriors vs. Clippers), the next day! I text all Catica’s babysitters immediately and came up with someone to watch her. 

So, we went to the game. We sat court side. 😄 We ate caramel corn and drank soda (don’t judge me). 

Before the game started we saw our friend Walter. Walter’s wife Lori is the Primary Inputter Statistician for the Warriors. She is the first woman to ever hold her position. She’s a world class, world changing woman.(https://www.sfchronicle.com/news/article/History-making-ground-breaker-is-the-one-who-12771482.php. ) (https://www.nba.com/warriors/video/teams/warriors/2019/05/03/2593738/1556916805436-people-lori-2593738)

Walter is one of the chaplains for the Warriors. We let our friends Walter and Lori know we’d be at the game. About 10 minutes before tip off Walter was walking around the court and waved to us. He walked deliberately toward us and placed a small glass jar in my hand. “Chastidy, what I’m giving you is very special. Only the players and coaches have been given this, and now I’m giving it to you.” In the jar were four mustard seeds. Walter told me the legend of the mustard seed jar. In 2015, he gave them to all the players at chapel before the first playoff game and reminded them that it only takes faith the size of a mustard seed to move mountains. That was the first year this team won the finals. In 2016, he did not give them a mustard seed jar, in an unexpected and hardly explainable twist the Warriors did not win finals that year. In 2017, the players went to Walter and said, “Hey, we need those mustard seeds this year Walter!” So the chapel before the first playoff game they were given a jar with 2 mustard seeds and they won the finals. In 2018, the chapel before the first playoff game they were given a jar with three mustard seeds and they won the finals. And this year, in 2019 they were given a jar with 4 mustard seeds. I’m assuming they’ll win the finals. Walter told me the players need to have faith to accomplish the mission they are working toward. And, he knows I need to have faith right now, too. But he reminded me it only takes a little. Place my mustard seed size faith in God, knowing He is able move mountains and remove tumors. 

The half time show was a group of kids that looked to be 8-10 years old doing this amazing hip-hop dance to music from my high school years. They were awesome!

The Warriors not only won that first play off game, but they dominated! 

On our way out of Oracle there were fireworks, people dancing, good cheer and hope every where.  

Yes, hope everywhere. Even in my heart. 

As we walked out of Oracle I found myself thinking hopeful thoughts; thoughts that I might live a long life. I was thinking I can’t wait to see Catica* dance at a Warriors half time. Maybe I don’t need to find someone to take her to ballet, instead, I need to find out what dance school was performing today. 

It was the first time in over six weeks I had hopeful thoughts about the future, and that I might be here to see it. Going to the Warriors game and receiving that little jar of mustard seeds restored my hope.

GENERAL HEALTH UPDATE: 

On paper, things aren’t looking so good. But I’ve got a jar of mustard seeds and God is still in the business of miracles. I’ll start with what’s good and you can read as far into the bad as you’d like. 

I got a spot on a clinical trial in San Francisco.  More info on the trial can be found with this link (https://clinicaltrials.gov/ct2/show/NCT03634982?term=rmc4630&rank=1).  I started the trial on Tuesday.  So far I haven’t had any noteworthy side affects. 

I went to three hospitals in Ohio for second opinions and to discuss treatment options in case we decided to move back to be close to family.   I saw Dr. Olugbenga at the University of Cincinnati. He referred to UCSF as “the Mecca of trials” and recommended I continue receiving treatment here, saying UC wouldn't have any trials to offer me at this time. He was the first doctor who has offered to pray with me during a visit, and it wasn’t a half hearted run of the mill prayer, but a fervent, passionate, and heartfelt petition! This was very encouraging! I saw Dr. Krishnamurthi at the Cleveland Clinic. She said with the level of disease I have throughout my body I wouldn’t be a candidate for the hepatic pump or a liver transplant. She also inferred they don’t have any trials right now that she’d recommend. She made it seem as if the best thing for me is to stay at UCSF for now.  I saw Dr. Laith at the James Center at Ohio State University. He informed me of a car-t-cell (I might be spelling that wrong) therapy trial they will have sometime in the next year. He recommended going ahead with the trial I just started at UCSF, but contacting him if/when I finish that trial to see if they have openings on car-t-cell trial. 

I had MRI’s on both legs which showed tumors in both femurs. This means the pain I had been believing was a side effect of one of my medications is actually tumors. The pain is sometimes livable, and sometimes so extreme I can’t stand up. The pain increases with the amount of activity I do. I’ll be getting radiation to both femurs which is supposed to stop the tumor growth and the pain. However, I can’t get the radiation until after I have been on this trial for over a month, so sometime in early July I’ll be getting radiation. Until then, I just have to deal with the pain. My doctor suggested using a cane, but I have purchased one yet. Some days I feel like I need one, some days I can hobble along with out one. When staying with my brother-n-law’s family recently I had to go up and down stairs a few times a day. I couldn’t do it; I’d sit down and scoot like a baby, but it got me where I needed to go. The pain has prevented me from exercising like I would like to, but I’m hopeful that I’ll be able to move around normally after the radiation in July. 

I continue to have a very persistent cough from the lung tumors. The cough is worse the more I move. When I’ve been sedentary for about 20+ minutes, my cough subsides. Sometimes, the cough becomes so severe I’m gasping for air and it can induce vomiting.  

There is a new tumor on my right ovary. It doesn’t cause any noteworthy pain. 

OTHER NEWS: 

We have been given the great opportunity to sublease a beautiful two bedroom apartment. Some friends are moving to Africa for a year and we get the blessing of renting their apartment while they are gone. The apartment is on the same block as our church and there are about 15 friends, couples, or families we know from church who also live on that block (all in properties owned by our church). Moving here will not only be a blessing because of the space (Catica will finally have her own room and there is an amazing back yard), and location (it’s near a park, an organic grocery store, and several great restaurants), but also because of the community (we’ll be surrounded by friends from church who’ve offered to help us). 

We also made a short trip to Ohio at the end of May for a friends wedding and to visit those hospitals. For a variety of reasons related to my medical care we didn’t know for sure until the day before the trip that we’d be going. We bought tickets and left with in 24 hours. We didn’t get to see many people because of the wedding and spending 4 days at hospitals, but it was great to see the few family and friends we did get to see. If we missed seeing you on this trip, it’s not or lack of love, just lack of time.  

*Catica is pronounced KAH-tee-tsa. It rhymes with pizza.  

June 6, 2019