#byhisstripesiamhealed

[byfaithmedia]

I am fearfully & wonderfully made 🙌🏻

[mrsronan]

Mustard Seed Hope

In March I was pulled off a clinical trial and saw growth in my tumors. I began losing hope. My thoughts were focused on how I needed to prepare for dying. I felt most things are in order for the worst case scenario of if I die. But, there were a few loose ends to tie together. I wanted to make sure my daughter was enrolled in pre-school and she had someone set up to take her to ballet classes. I’ve been talking to a few family members about what I hope Catica’s long term care will look like if I’m ever not able to be a part of that. I’ve told a few really really close family members hopes for my funeral arrangements. 

My silent thoughts often began with “when I die…” Rarely was I having any thoughts that I might live to see the future (I’m not sure how far in the future it needs to be to be considered the future, but that’s a whole nother topic). I had been keeping my dismal, doom and gloom thoughts to myself. I figured there was no need to drag anyone down into this hopeless pit with me. I was depending on the hope and faith of others to get me through this time. 

Then, one Friday morning I decided to let my husband in on the level of discouragement I’d been feeling. Right away he began praying God would do something to encourage me. That night we went to a worship and prayer meeting at my church. The Holy Spirit moved. It wasn’t a powerful passionate prayer, it wasn’t a worship song that touched me deeply. It was the Warriors (dubnation!) I was journaling and pulled out my phone to look up a scripture. At the same time I got a message from a friend offering me her tickets to game 1 of the first round of playoffs (Warriors vs. Clippers), the next day! I text all Catica’s babysitters immediately and came up with someone to watch her. 

So, we went to the game. We sat court side. 😄 We ate caramel corn and drank soda (don’t judge me). 

Before the game started we saw our friend Walter. Walter’s wife Lori is the Primary Inputter Statistician for the Warriors. She is the first woman to ever hold her position. She’s a world class, world changing woman.(https://www.sfchronicle.com/news/article/History-making-ground-breaker-is-the-one-who-12771482.php. ) (https://www.nba.com/warriors/video/teams/warriors/2019/05/03/2593738/1556916805436-people-lori-2593738)

Walter is one of the chaplains for the Warriors. We let our friends Walter and Lori know we’d be at the game. About 10 minutes before tip off Walter was walking around the court and waved to us. He walked deliberately toward us and placed a small glass jar in my hand. “Chastidy, what I’m giving you is very special. Only the players and coaches have been given this, and now I’m giving it to you.” In the jar were four mustard seeds. Walter told me the legend of the mustard seed jar. In 2015, he gave them to all the players at chapel before the first playoff game and reminded them that it only takes faith the size of a mustard seed to move mountains. That was the first year this team won the finals. In 2016, he did not give them a mustard seed jar, in an unexpected and hardly explainable twist the Warriors did not win finals that year. In 2017, the players went to Walter and said, “Hey, we need those mustard seeds this year Walter!” So the chapel before the first playoff game they were given a jar with 2 mustard seeds and they won the finals. In 2018, the chapel before the first playoff game they were given a jar with three mustard seeds and they won the finals. And this year, in 2019 they were given a jar with 4 mustard seeds. I’m assuming they’ll win the finals. Walter told me the players need to have faith to accomplish the mission they are working toward. And, he knows I need to have faith right now, too. But he reminded me it only takes a little. Place my mustard seed size faith in God, knowing He is able move mountains and remove tumors. 

The half time show was a group of kids that looked to be 8-10 years old doing this amazing hip-hop dance to music from my high school years. They were awesome!

The Warriors not only won that first play off game, but they dominated! 

On our way out of Oracle there were fireworks, people dancing, good cheer and hope every where.  

Yes, hope everywhere. Even in my heart. 

As we walked out of Oracle I found myself thinking hopeful thoughts; thoughts that I might live a long life. I was thinking I can’t wait to see Catica* dance at a Warriors half time. Maybe I don’t need to find someone to take her to ballet, instead, I need to find out what dance school was performing today. 

It was the first time in over six weeks I had hopeful thoughts about the future, and that I might be here to see it. Going to the Warriors game and receiving that little jar of mustard seeds restored my hope.

GENERAL HEALTH UPDATE: 

On paper, things aren’t looking so good. But I’ve got a jar of mustard seeds and God is still in the business of miracles. I’ll start with what’s good and you can read as far into the bad as you’d like. 

I got a spot on a clinical trial in San Francisco.  More info on the trial can be found with this link (https://clinicaltrials.gov/ct2/show/NCT03634982?term=rmc4630&rank=1).  I started the trial on Tuesday.  So far I haven’t had any noteworthy side affects. 

I went to three hospitals in Ohio for second opinions and to discuss treatment options in case we decided to move back to be close to family.   I saw Dr. Olugbenga at the University of Cincinnati. He referred to UCSF as “the Mecca of trials” and recommended I continue receiving treatment here, saying UC wouldn't have any trials to offer me at this time. He was the first doctor who has offered to pray with me during a visit, and it wasn’t a half hearted run of the mill prayer, but a fervent, passionate, and heartfelt petition! This was very encouraging! I saw Dr. Krishnamurthi at the Cleveland Clinic. She said with the level of disease I have throughout my body I wouldn’t be a candidate for the hepatic pump or a liver transplant. She also inferred they don’t have any trials right now that she’d recommend. She made it seem as if the best thing for me is to stay at UCSF for now.  I saw Dr. Laith at the James Center at Ohio State University. He informed me of a car-t-cell (I might be spelling that wrong) therapy trial they will have sometime in the next year. He recommended going ahead with the trial I just started at UCSF, but contacting him if/when I finish that trial to see if they have openings on car-t-cell trial. 

I had MRI’s on both legs which showed tumors in both femurs. This means the pain I had been believing was a side effect of one of my medications is actually tumors. The pain is sometimes livable, and sometimes so extreme I can’t stand up. The pain increases with the amount of activity I do. I’ll be getting radiation to both femurs which is supposed to stop the tumor growth and the pain. However, I can’t get the radiation until after I have been on this trial for over a month, so sometime in early July I’ll be getting radiation. Until then, I just have to deal with the pain. My doctor suggested using a cane, but I have purchased one yet. Some days I feel like I need one, some days I can hobble along with out one. When staying with my brother-n-law’s family recently I had to go up and down stairs a few times a day. I couldn’t do it; I’d sit down and scoot like a baby, but it got me where I needed to go. The pain has prevented me from exercising like I would like to, but I’m hopeful that I’ll be able to move around normally after the radiation in July. 

I continue to have a very persistent cough from the lung tumors. The cough is worse the more I move. When I’ve been sedentary for about 20+ minutes, my cough subsides. Sometimes, the cough becomes so severe I’m gasping for air and it can induce vomiting.  

There is a new tumor on my right ovary. It doesn’t cause any noteworthy pain. 

OTHER NEWS: 

We have been given the great opportunity to sublease a beautiful two bedroom apartment. Some friends are moving to Africa for a year and we get the blessing of renting their apartment while they are gone. The apartment is on the same block as our church and there are about 15 friends, couples, or families we know from church who also live on that block (all in properties owned by our church). Moving here will not only be a blessing because of the space (Catica will finally have her own room and there is an amazing back yard), and location (it’s near a park, an organic grocery store, and several great restaurants), but also because of the community (we’ll be surrounded by friends from church who’ve offered to help us). 

We also made a short trip to Ohio at the end of May for a friends wedding and to visit those hospitals. For a variety of reasons related to my medical care we didn’t know for sure until the day before the trip that we’d be going. We bought tickets and left with in 24 hours. We didn’t get to see many people because of the wedding and spending 4 days at hospitals, but it was great to see the few family and friends we did get to see. If we missed seeing you on this trip, it’s not or lack of love, just lack of time.  

*Catica is pronounced KAH-tee-tsa. It rhymes with pizza.  

June 6, 2019

[preciousari]

UGH .... This nausea has got to give !!! I'm not dealing with this, everyday !!! I REFUSE .... #NauseaBeGone #ByHisStripesIAmHealed #AcceptTheTruthAndMOVEOn

[tyknenee]

Here’s an update on my health and after a longgggg MRI process the doctor saw no new findings (so I’m not having a flare - Praise God) and we finally got my pain level under control - Praise God yet again!!!!! I did find out that I have a bad UTI which is causing all my issues but thank God I’m being treated for it now at the hospital and will be discharged later today. Thank you everyone for your all continuous love, support and prayers I truly appreciate each and everyone of you #byhisstripesiamhealed #praisingGodalways

[thetonycross]

And in the Incarnation the whole human race recovers the dignity of the image of God. Henceforth, any attack even on the least of men is an attack on Christ, who took the form of man, and in his own Person restored the image of God in all that bears a human form. Through fellowship and communion with the incarnate Lord, we recover our true humanity, and at the same time we are delivered from that individualism which is the consequence of sin, and retrieve our solidarity with the whole human race. By being partakers of Christ incarnate, we are partakers in the whole humanity which he bore. We now know that we have been taken up and borne in the humanity of Jesus, and therefore that new nature we now enjoy means that we too must bear the sins and sorrows of others. The incarnate Lord makes his followers the brothers of all mankind. Dietrich Bonhoeffer, The Cost of Discipleship #imageofgod #endrascism #christisthesolution #byhisstripesiamhealed #thereisnodistinction #weareoneinchrist #dietrichbonhoeffer #costofdiscipleship #bethechange

[devayne24]

Back doing what I love. Still not a 💯but I'll get there. #byhisstripesiamhealed #workflow #tgifselfie #devaynetv (at Gaston County Courthouse)

[charlibab1-blog]

#cancer has nothing on #thebloodofJESUS #powerful #faithful #strong and #nevergoesbackonHisword #byHisstripesiamhealed #choosetolive and #beafighter #Godswordwillneverfail #cancersucks #cantstopwontstop #stomachcancerawareness @cancerresearchinstitute @ohiohatescancer @americancancersociety @nostomachforcancer @cancerinspirational @helpsavelivess @ihadcancer #ihavenostomachforcancer @10tvcommit2bfit #awarenessiskey #helpeducateonstomachcancer

[jesusloveskei]

Since I can't even fill my physical body with enough nutrition recently, I'll just feed my spirit. #byHisstripesIamhealed #spiritfeeding

[pope-james]

#ByHisStripesIamHealed

[mrsronan]

Last Thursday (March 7) I got to speak to a large Women’s Bible Study in San Francisco. I attended the study for three years and have quite a few friends still involved. Here’s what I said. (Health update and other details below the speech.) Also, it won't hurt my feelings at all if you skip the speech and just read the health update. :)

_________________________________________

I’m thankful I get to be here with you ladies this morning. You are always such a blessing. Malene and Karen invited me to give an update on how I’m doing. Most of you know me, but let me introduce myself to those of you I’m not yet acquainted with. My husband and I grew up in Cincinnati Ohio, I’ve served as a missionary to Haiti and spent two years teaching in China. My husband and I believed God called us to San Francisco so we moved here four months after we got married in 2006. When we got here everything that could go wrong went wrong, including losing our housing on the same day I found out I was unexpectedly pregnant. That surprise pregnancy led me to seek help at Alpha Pregnancy Center, the pregnancy ended in miscarriage but I never forgot that Alpha was ready to walk with me and find solutions to all of my concerns. Later I went back to Alpha, but as a staff member and I eventually became the director. I spent almost a decade running that ministry until I was diagnosed with stage 4 colon cancer and had to resign.  I’ve been going through chemo and radiation treatments since July 2016.  

Before I give you an update on my health I want to tell you a story that will explain my perspective on this challenge.*  

The day I arrived at my new home in Haiti where I would live for a year, I walked into a house that had been robbed. Everything was gone- furniture, curtains, dishes, everything except the kitchen sink. I had met my roommate for the year one day earlier, Shelley lived in the house the year before and knew our neighbors well. She assured me that since we were back and our neighbors loved her, the house would now be safe and nothing more would be stolen. I didn’t believe her. We had just a couple hours to drop our things off before needing to leave for a meeting at the school where we’d be teaching. On my way out the door for the meeting, I silently prayed, “Lord, if our house gets robbed tonight, please don’t let them take my radio, my guitar, or the vase from Morocco Kellie gave me.”

When we got home that night, our house had been ravished. Clothes were strewn everywhere, Shelley’s nice camera— gone. The sheets off our other roommate’s bed— gone. I made it to my room in the back of the house and did a quick scan of my bedroom: my radio was there, check; my guitar was there, check; my vase— gone! What!? Didn’t God hear my prayer? Why would the thieves want my vase anyway? It was just a small memento that wouldn’t mean anything to anyone but me. My heart sank. I felt robbed. But just as quickly as my heart sank, the Holy Spirit began to speak: “Chastidy, I didn’t bring you here this year to look at that vase. I am the same whether or not that vase is on top of your dresser. I haven’t changed and I am worthy of your praise with or without that vase.” My heart responded, “Oh, check. Yes, Lord, I trust you. I’ll praise you. Thanks for being the same and being good no matter what I’ve lost.” A moment later, a fellow teacher who had come to help walked in the door and said, “I found this on the street, does this belong to you?” and held up my vase.

That small momentary loss and the Holy Spirit speaking to my heart taught me how to get through larger losses that aren’t temporary. When my mom was murdered, when I had multiple miscarriages, when my marriage has been difficult, and many other times of loss I’ve gone back to that moment and remembered God is the same no matter what I might be losing. 

To be honest, the months since November have been filled with loss.  

My grandfather died because of lung cancer. 

Five of my other friends have died as well (three cancer related deaths).

My landlord promised me a bigger apartment and even gave me the keys then changed her mind and took the keys back. 

The clinical trial I’ve been on has stopped shrinking my tumors. (More on this below) 

But amidst these tragedies there have been some triumphs. 

I was given the Gianna Molla award and spoke to 50,000 people. 

My daughter turned 3 and sweetly told me I set up her party so nice and perfect. 

I turned 40 even though some medical professionals never thought I’d live this long. My husband, family, and friends threw me two surprise birthday parties. 

So I find myself responding to all of this in a few ways

Crying out to God in mourning and in thanksgiving. 

Praying for others as well as myself. 

Singing Amazing Grace and really meaning every word of all 7 verses.

Returning to scripture and asking God to keep His word as the foundation of my heart.

Some of the verses that I’m returning to over and over have become anthems for me that I go to daily to set my heart and mind in the right place.  

Hebrews 13.8 Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, today, and forever. Reminding me that with or without cancer, God is still worthy of praise. For me, all these efforts to get treatment and extend my life are primarily for my three year old little girl. I don’t want her to have the pain of growing up with out her mom. But, this verse reminds me that God is the same and worthy of our praise even if she does grow up with out a mom.

I also go back to the story of Shadrach Meshach and Abednego from Daniel 3. 

You probably remember the story well. Everyone in their town was  told to bow down and worship a false god. The punishment for refusing was to be thrown into a fiery furnace. Everyone worshipped the gold statue, but Shadrach Meshach and Abednego refused to follow suit. Some people told the king and he was furious. 

Here’s how the Message version of the Bible tells the rest of the story:

The king questioned them and gave them a second chance to obey.

16-18 Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego answered King Nebuchadnezzar, “Your threat means nothing to us. If you throw us in the fire, the God we serve can rescue us from your roaring furnace and anything else you might cook up, O king. But even if he doesn’t, it wouldn’t make a bit of difference, O king. We still wouldn’t serve your gods or worship the gold statue you set up.”

19-23 Nebuchadnezzar, his face purple with anger, cut off Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego. He ordered the furnace fired up seven times hotter than usual. He ordered some strong men to tie them up, hands and feet, and throw them into the roaring furnace. Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego, bound hand and foot, fully dressed from head to toe, were pitched into the roaring fire. Because the king was in such a hurry and the furnace was so hot, flames from the furnace killed the men who carried Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego to it, while the fire raged around Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego.

24 Suddenly King Nebuchadnezzar jumped up in alarm and said, “Didn’t we throw three men, bound hand and foot, into the fire?”

“That’s right, O king,” they said.

25 “But look!” he said. “I see four men, walking around freely in the fire, completely unharmed! And the fourth man looks like a son of the gods!”

Some people say that is Jesus; I love that even though they were in a literal fire, they weren’t in it alone.  They had to go through the fire, but Jesus went through it with them.

26 Nebuchadnezzar went to the door of the roaring furnace and called in, “Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego, servants of the most High God, come out here!”

Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego walked out of the fire.

27 Everyone gathered around to examine them and discovered that the fire hadn’t so much as touched the three men—not a hair singed, not a scorch mark on their clothes, not even the smell of fire on them! 

Next the king praises God. Shadrach Meshach and Abednego’s fiery challenge 

Gives the king a fiery passion to praise God.

28 Nebuchadnezzar said, “Blessed be the God of Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego! He sent his angel and rescued his servants who trusted in him! They ignored the king’s orders and laid their bodies on the line rather than serve or worship any god but their own.

29 “Therefore I issue this decree: no one should speak against the God of Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego. No other god can pull off a rescue like this.”

Friends, I’m in a battle where I can say— Only God can pull off the kind of rescue I need. 

But, I’d bet half my bank account most of you have felt that too.  Maybe you’ve had severe health issues,  maybe you’ve needed the courage to leave an abusive relationship,  maybe you’ve had the sorrow of losing a child,  maybe you’ve been plagued with overwhelming anxiety… 

I’m guessing that everyone of you have had a time when you thought, “only God can rescue me from this.” 

I look back at all those trials I mentioned earlier and see, yes, He jumped into the fire with me on all of them and pulled me out and actually it made me stronger than before.  So, right now, in this fire of cancer, I’m looking to the God who has rescued me time and time again and saying “I know you are able to rescue me, and I believe you will, but even if you don’t I will still praise you.”

The final scripture I return to as an anthem I’ve read with you before. Psalm 118. 

I’d like to share some of it with you again today

Psalm 118

1 Give thanks to the Lord, for he is good;

    his love endures forever.

2 Let Israel say:

    “His love endures forever.”

3 Let the house of Aaron say:

“His love endures forever.”

4  Let those who fear the Lord say:

    “His love endures forever.”

5 When hard pressed, I cried to the Lord;

    he brought me into a spacious place.

6 The Lord is with me; I will not be afraid.

    What can mere mortals do to me?

7 The Lord is with me; he is my helper.

 …

8 It is better to take refuge in the Lord

    than to trust in humans.

9 It is better to take refuge in the Lord

    than to trust in princes.

I’m saying it’s better to trust in the Lord 

than medicine or doctors

13 I was pushed back and about to fall,

    but the Lord helped me.

14 The Lord is my strength and my defense[a];

    he has become my salvation.

15 Shouts of joy and victory

    resound in the tents of the righteous:

17 I will not die but live,

    and will proclaim what the Lord has done.

21 I will give you thanks, for you answered me;

    you have become my salvation.

27 The Lord is God,

    and he has made his light shine on us.

…

28 You are my God, and I will praise you;

    you are my God, and I will exalt you.

29 Give thanks to the Lord, for he is good;

    his love endures forever.

 Verse 17 is something I’ve especially clung to. 

At first I thought, I will live and not die so that when I am healed from cancer I can tell the miraculous story of how God healed me and what seemed impossible with man is possible with God. And, that is still what I’m counting on. 

But, I’ve begun to think I’m alive today. I can tell what God has done today. I can tell you today that He has been with me in the trenches of every fire I’ve had to walk through, and he has used them all for the good of many lives and souls. 

And, when I return to scripture it allows me to fix my thoughts on Jesus. He endured the cross scorning its shame for the joy that was set before him. And remembering that He did that, and being bought with his blood gives me the strength to be content in a small apartment, to endure the disease of cancer, and to get through the other pains that come with life in a fallen world but doing so with joy because of the promise of a glorious eternity. 

Two nights ago, as I was putting my daughter to bed we were singing “what can wash a way my sins” and she stopped me mid song and said, “Mommy mommy, the blood of Jesus, it can heal everything. Even if you die it can heal you.” 

If I could leave you with any thought this morning it would be that. The blood of Jesus can heal anything you have going on in your life. Remember He never changes even when our circumstances do, lay your burdens at the foot of His cross, and let His blood bringing healing to your life.  

_________________________________________

HEALTH UPDATE

So, what does it mean for me that the clinical trial isn’t shrinking my tumors? To catch some of you up to speed on what I’ve done before I answer that, I’ve already done 3 kinds of chemo and radiation. The clinical trial I’ve been in is my fourth form of treatment. There are no other FDA approved treatments that have been effective at treating my kind of cancer. I have a biopsy scheduled for Thursday. The results of the biopsy will show if the immunotherapy trial I’ve been on has changed the genetic make up of my tumors. If it has I can continue on the trial. If it hasn’t then I’ll need to start searching for other clinical trials or treatments at different hospitals and clinics. My oncologist thinks I’ll have to begin a search for other clinical trials. She is willing to help me. My family might have to move in order for me to continue to have effective treatment options. I’m really hoping that I won’t have to move, but if we do have to move there’s a promising clinical trial in Cleveland that I’m looking into which would get me closer to my family and I’d be thankful for that. Yet, I am willing to go wherever I need to get treatments. I’ll try to write a short update after I get my biopsy results. 

Separately I had a chalazion in my eye. It has healed. 

OTHER UPDATES

I’m still a super Warriors fan and even though they’ve had a few embarrassing losses recently they are still number 1 in the western conference and still the favorites to be champions this year. 

I lead prayer in the SF Prayer Room every Wednesday night from 6-9 pm.  I’d love it if you join me some time. 

My landlord offered to let us move to a bigger apartment and even gave us the keys. She later changed her mind and took the keys back. I was absolutely heartbroken and cried for days. Now, I’m wondering if God kept us from moving because we might have to move so I can get treatment elsewhere. 

We were gifted tickets to see Hamilton and loved it! It left me wanting to live in a way that gives others freedom. 

My husband, family, and friends threw me TWO surprise birthday parties. I’ve lived to be 40 and I’m pretty thankful about that. 

I threw a small birthday party for Catica. The week after her party she snuggled up on my lap and we had this conversation,  C: Mama, you did such a good job. Me: A good job on what, Baby? C: My party. You set everything up so nice and perfect.  My heart melted.  

PRAYER REQUEST

Please pray for miraculous results to this biopsy and miraculous healing. God is able to do more than we can ask or imagine. 

_________________________________________

*I know I’ve already told this story on my blog before but I love to share it whenever I can as it keeps my perspective in check. 

[mrsronan]

Sometime soon I’ll write a thorough update, in the meantime here is a quick glimpse of what’s going on: 

- I completed 16 rounds of radiation

- To celebrate we walked the Courage Over Cancer 5K and went to the Barry Bonds jersey retirement Giants game. 

- Chemo is no longer working to shrink my tumors

- So I’m waiting to start a clinical trial

[preciousari]

It's ANOTHER Beautiful Day, in the neighborhood !!! Feeling better than I have in sometime !! To God be the Glory, for the AmAzInG things he has done .... #AllSmiles #MovingForward #LovingMyLife #EnjoyingMyLifeI #ByHisStripesIAmHealed (at Broad River Corridor, Columbia, South Carolina)

[mrsronan]

April 27, 2018. 

I had CT scans last week. The results were mixed. Most of the tumors remained stable or shrunk. A couple of the tumors grew. The growth makes my oncologist think it might be time to pivot to a new treatment regimen. The clinical trial we’ve been talking about will have openings for new patients in 8 weeks. The treatment plan right now is to continue on my ful-fox/ful-furi chemo treatments, then get CT scans again closer to the time there will be openings in the clinical trial and determine then if I should shift to that clinical trial. 

There are a couple reasons this might not be the right time for me to get on the trial: 

The dose level of the medication increases with each round of new patients on the trial. It might be better for me to wait until a higher dose is being administered. 

Some of the side effects that the medicine in the trial produces that make people aware if the medicine is unsafe for them are symptoms I already have. This means it would be more difficult to notice if the medicine isn’t working well for me and I need to stop it. If the medicine isn’t stopped in the right timing it could create an abruption in my intestines meaning I’d have to have a colostomy bag the rest of my life. 

I initially had grief upon hearing that some of the tumors were growing again, but in the past week the Lord has settled my heart and refocused my thoughts on Him and His power. 

Throughout my cancer battle, I’ve been praying that God will somehow use my experience to draw people to Him, to reveal His love for His children, and to show His power. I’ve specifically been praying for all of the medical professionals working with me to see that what is impossible with man is possible through God. Last week one of my medical providers and I were talking about the longterm plan for my treatments. In the conversation she said she knew that, for me, the most important part of my healing process is my faith. She said she could see that my God is working really hard to keep me alive, and He’s doing it. I was so thankful she had that realization. 

You might wonder what my medical care team looks like. I have a fantastic oncologist that I see every three or four chemo treatments. I’ve said before that I hope you never need a GI oncologist, but if you do, come to me for a recommendation. My oncologist is amazing. She is basically the Beyonce of oncology. By Beyonce, I mean she is on top of the game, making things happen, and is highly respected in her field. 

I have an integrative oncologist that I see every two months or so. He provides guidance for herbs, eating habits, exercise habits, and other lifestyle practices that are known to impact a persons health. I’m thankful my hospital and insurance include this kind of care. 

I see an acupuncturist about twice a month. She is wise, kind, generous, and effective. I’m always amazed at the results. I’ll tell her what symptoms are bothering me most, and within 24 hours of seeing her I notice improvement in whatever I’ve told her about. It helps with nausea, neuropathy, fatigue and everything in between. 

I also work with a friend from my childhood that has become a holistic doctor. I’m always impressed by how insightful and wise she is. She guides me on eating, herbal treatments, oils, exercise, and so much more. We address how my emotional and relational life impact my health. She always encourages me to give more of my life to God in every way from my cancer battle to my marriage and parenting. Because of our almost life long friendship, she is working with me free of charge and it has been the best gift. 

But ultimately, my life is in the hands of the Great Physician. If you know me, you know I’ve been a vegetarian since I was twelve, I’ve exercised faithfully my whole life, of the two years before my cancer diagnosis I had eliminated all added sugars from my diet, I don’t drink or smoke or use plastic water bottles. I don’t eat junk foods (even though they tempt me every time I’m in a convenience store). Instead, I eat “superfoods” like acai bowls and goji berries. Once my primary care doctor told me I was the perfect picture of health. It makes no sense that I got cancer. 

When I was in college and in my twenties two of my aunts were diagnosed with breast cancer. One treated her cancer with chemo and traditional western medicine. One treated her cancer with alternative holistic medicine. I clearly remember thinking, “I’ll never get cancer, but if I did, I’d use both of these methods at the same time.” A man in my church was diagnosed with terminal cancer years ago. He says he used a three pronged approach in treating cancer; western medicine, holistic care, and intense prayer. He has been cancer free for decades. I’m following his example and going for the three pronged approach. I’m trusting God for a miraculous healing. In the meantime, I’m thankful for each day of life I have and using every opportunity I have to tell what the Lord has done in my life. I hope it’s encouraging you!

Other noteworthy things: 

My hair has started growing back!! I have several patches of inch long hair growing through. It sticks out a bit, and some people might think it looks funny, but I love it. I am so thankful. I really thought those spots would stay bald as long as I remained on chemo, but praise God for unexpected growth!

I’m experiencing pretty strong neuropathy. My hands and feet constantly feel like they are asleep. Being in the cold or touching cold things makes my hands feel like hundreds of needles are poking them. My handwriting is getting messy, and it’s challenging to button things. My feet get numb and heavy if I’ve walked a decent distance. 

One of my best friends and her family came to visit recently. It was a wonderful encouraging week with them. 

I’ve had the opportunity to speak at 4 churches and 2 MOPS groups in the past year.  

Several times this year my platelets have been too low for me to get chemo. When that happens my treatment is simply pushed back by one week. That happened last week.

My husband sends an update via email each time I get chemo to people who want to pray for me.  If you want to receive that twice a month email sign up here: https://chastidy-ronan.squarespace.com/contact/ 

The chemo regimen I’m on right now is the last FDA approved treatment that seems like it would be a successful option for me. I’m hoping that if I am a part of the clinical trial it will not only help me, but that my participation will help heal many others who walk a similar path through cancer. 

As normal western medicine options approved by the FDA are getting fewer and fewer for me, my holistic doctor is helping me get more diligent in caring for myself with alternative practices. I’ll be starting new herbs and oils right away.

Yesterday was my 40th chemo.

The Warriors won their first round of NBA Playoffs. 

[mrsronan]

Returned Vases and Haircuts

The day I arrived at my new home in Haiti where I would live for a year, I walked into a house that had been robbed. Everything was gone- furniture, curtains, dishes, everything except the kitchen sink. I had met my roommate for the year one day earlier, Shelley lived in the house the year before and knew our neighbors well. She assured me that since we were back and our neighbors loved her, the house would now be safe and nothing more would be stolen. I didn’t believe her. We had just a couple hours to drop our things off before needing to leave for a meeting at the school where we’d be teaching. On my way out the door for the meeting, I silently prayed, “Lord, if our house gets robbed tonight, please don't let them take my radio, my guitar, or the vase from Morocco Kellie gave me.”

When we got home that night, our house had been ravished. Clothes were strewn everywhere, Shelley’s nice camera— gone. The sheets off our other roommate’s bed— gone. I made it to my room in the back of the house and did a quick scan of my bedroom: my radio was there, check; my guitar was there, check; my vase— gone! What!? Didn’t God hear my prayer? Why would the thieves want my vase anyway? It was just a small memento that wouldn’t mean anything to anyone but me. My heart sank. I felt robbed. But just as quickly as my heart sank, the Holy Spirit began to speak: “Chastidy, I didn’t bring you here this year to look at that vase. I am the same whether or not that vase is on top of your dresser. I haven’t changed and I am worthy of your praise with or without that vase.” My heart responded, “Oh, check. Yes, Lord, I trust you. I’ll praise you. Thanks for being the same and being good no matter what I’ve lost.” A moment later, a fellow teacher who had come to help walked in the door and said, “I found this on the street, does this belong to you?” and held up my vase.

That small momentary loss and the Holy Spirit speaking to my heart taught me how to get through larger losses that aren’t temporary. When my mom passed away, when I had multiple miscarriages, when my marriage has been difficult, and in many other times of loss I’ve gone back to that moment and remembered God is the same no matter what I might be losing.

Most recently, I’ve been losing my hair. It’s been hard.

When I was first diagnosed with cancer I was prepared to lose my hair. Weeks of chemo went by and my hair stayed in. Months of chemo went by and my hair stayed in. A year of chemo went by and my hair stayed in. “I’m invincible to hair loss!” my heart cheered.

I had long, golden locks that (when I washed and dried it) could’ve made a Disney princess jealous. 

In late October I began losing a fist full of hair a day. I decided to add some new hair growth vitamins to my daily pill regimen. In November I lost a fist full of hair about five times a day.

“I’m not invincible,” my heart cried. My eyes cried. My hair looked stringy and thin.

I had five inches cut off my hair. I thought it still looked stringy. More hair fell out. I had another three inches cut off my hair. I didn’t like the style. I tried wearing bandanas but they made my head too hot.

I cut off another three inches. I still don’t like it, but I’m resolved to live with it for a couple months before deciding if I should cut it again.

At this point, the hair loss has slowed down but not stopped. I have visible bald spots. Headbands and my Warriors 2017 NBA champion ball cap are my new best friends (and after June I’ll add my 2018 Warriors NBA champion ball cap to that list). I’ve been learning again to trust God through loss.

Some friends have tried to encourage me by saying it looks good. Those people are nice, but I don’t agree. Not only that, this haircut is not because I wanted to cut my hair; it’s because the drugs I have to take to stay alive have caused me to start balding. Some friends have tried to encourage me by saying, “It’s just hair, it will grow back.” And that’s true for most people. But my doctors say I’ll be on chemo the rest of my life. If they are right, my hair might not grow back.

I feel like hair loss shouldn’t be as painful as it has been, but it makes me pretty sad. When I think about and see this haircut the severity of my disease comes to the forefront of my mind. It shows I’m not invincible.

When I have focused on this, it’s been discouraging. When I focus on the limitations of what I can actually control in my life and the world around me, it’s been discouraging. Yet, I know that my God is in control, and that’s encouraging. I know that He is invincible.

I’m not sure why I have cancer. I’m not sure why my hair fell out after a year and a half of chemo. I’m not sure if my hair will grow back. I am sure that I can learn something from this. Maybe it’s simply to rely on Him and not myself. I’m seeing more clearly that I can’t be my own God. I’m not able to do what I need God to do. I have to rely on Him. I have to trust what He does, even when it hurts. My situations change. I go through gains and losses. My emotions and relationships have highs and lows. Just as quickly as my hair fell out, the Holy Spirit speaks,“Chastidy, I didn’t bring you here to look at your hair. Instead, look at Me. I am the same whether or not your hair is long, thick, and shiny or thin and stringy. I haven’t changed and I am worthy of your praise with or without that hair.” I want to respond, “Oh, check. Yes, Lord, I trust you. I’ll praise you. Thanks for being the same and being good no matter what I’ve lost.” My heart isn’t there yet, but it’s open and I’m saying to myself, “Why so downcast oh my soul, put your hope in God.” I think God can take my openness and set my heart where it needs to be.

My God never changes; He is the same yesterday, today and tomorrow. His goodness isn’t lessened by my circumstances. It’s in His stability that I have joy, peace, and confidence. Just as my fellow teacher in Haiti brought my vase back and said, “Does this belong to you?” God walks into a place where I’m feeling robbed, restores my hope, and says “This belongs to you.”

_______________________________________________________________________

Things I’ve Tried to Prevent Hair-loss:

Prayer 

Biotin

Nioxin Shampoo and Conditioner

Just Naturals Bald Spot Treatment Cream

Just Naturals Hair Growth Oil

Bosley Shampoo and Conditioner

Bosley Treatment Foam

Bhringraj Oil

Castor Oil

Viviscal Vitamins

Viviscal Shampoo and Conditioner 

A few other products that I forget the names of right now

Combing my hair no more than once a week.

Wearing it in a ponytail

Wearing it down

_______________________________________________________________________

General Health Update:

My CEA level continues to decrease

I get CT scans next week to measure the tumors

_______________________________________________________________________

Things Encouraging Me This Week:

My pastor’s sermon this past week was really in line with how I’ve been processing loss. Maybe it would encourage you too. 

Fred Hammond, Blessed 

_______________________________________________________________________

Question For You:

What losses have you dealt with and how did you find hope through those loses? I really want to know, so hit me up. 

01.20.18

[mrsronan]

Break the Darkness

About 6 weeks ago I put out a question to my Facebook friends, “What meaningful things do you do with your children for Advent?”

In the busyness of the Holiday Season, many of us don’t make time to stop and reflect. Since July of 2016 when I was diagnosed with cancer, much of my time has been stopping and reflecting. I went from directing a busy, growing, and thriving ministry with a cause I’m super passionate about to being halted, placed on medical leave, and instantly put at a snails pace in life. Since that time I’ve reflected on my health habits, medical care, spiritual life, parenting, marriage, and all that I could possibly think of to reflect on. I’ve made many habitual and practical changes as a result. I’m still waiting with the expectation of someday being cancer free.

In response to my Facebook question, most of the answers were about candy or small gifts given to the children. Yet, one friend made the fantastic recommendation of Truth in Tinsel. My small family of three bucks most holiday traditions; but I still love celebrating Christmas and wanted to find some way to acknowledge the coming of Christ with my daughter this season. So, I took my friends advice and tried this e-book and it’s daily activities.

Truth in Tinsel has become the highlight of each slowly paced day for Catica (pronounced Kah-tee-tsa) and me. Several times through out the day she’ll ask for “Bible story, craft time?” She’s waiting for it all day long with expectation. And after her nap, when we sit down at the table for “Bible story, craft time” she squeals and flexes her muscles with joy like Draymond Green after a clutch play.* She actually pays attention to the short stories and remembers the main content.

Here is my 22 month old, talking about the stories and crafts we’ve made so far. https://youtu.be/CrGXApTuDZM p>

I’m thrilled to see her taking in these stories. Every day she asks to go in the hallway and look at her crafts. She recounts the main message of each one. We’re making time to stop and reflect. A few days ago we talked about Luke 1.57-80. This section of scripture refers to Jesus as the bright morning sun who breaks into the darkness.  I love this. I so need Jesus to break into my darkness, to bring a sunshine light to all my pains.

Mostly on this blog, I’ve focused on cancer and it’s impact on my life. But there are so many dark spots I face or have faced that only the Creator of the Sun could break through. I’m so glad I know Him, know His love, and have seen His light break the darkness before. Having experienced it before lets me know I can experience it again. I have faith it will be in this life, but I’ll rejoice for eternity with the warmth of the Sun having broken through all my darkness no matter when or how I’m freed from cancer.

When I was in college, one of my classes taught me the idea of living in the “already, but not yet.” The concept is that with the death and resurrection Christ we’ve already received a relationship with our Creator, but we’re still waiting with expectation for that relationship to reach it’s fullness in our soul’s eternal home with Him in Heaven.

In the time of Advent, we’re given the invitation to wait with expectation for the fullness of this relationship. We can think about Christ who has already come, and place hope in His plan to come again. We live in “the reality of things not being perfect and the hope that one day they will be.” So, I wait with expectation that Christ will break all my darkness.

The already not yet of my health:

My last CT scans were in September. I won’t have another until January, so it’s hard to give an update on what the tumors are doing. I can give an update on how I feel. I like to be positive as much as I can, but I’ve had a couple hard experiences resulting from cancer/chemo recently.

I was able to keep my hair through 15 months of chemo. I had begun to believe I was blessed with immunity to losing my hair while on chemo. But, in the months of October and November I lost half my hair. My scalp is visible, my hair is stringy and thin. I’ve had three hair cuts already. I first cut off about 5 inches of hair, but decided it needed to be shorter to have what ever lift/fullness I could squeeze out of it. I had a second hair cut taking off another 2-3 inches. This week I had my third haircut taking off another 2 inches. I’ve cut off about 8-10 inches of hair total. My hair is now about chin length. I’ve decided to wait a month or so and see if I feel like it needs to be even shorter. I hope to eventually write a blog post about my hair and maybe I’ll put pictures from each cut in there. But honestly, I don’t like it. That makes it hard to want to share pictures, but it’s reality, and I’m all about being real.

Aside from my hair loss, I’ve also started having painful bowel movements again. I won’t go into details (thank me later), but I will ask for prayer.

In these remaining days of Advent, I hope you experience a break in any darkness you might be experiencing.  

*I’m sure she learned to impersonate Draymond while watching Warriors games with me and her dad. The Warriors and Psalty are all she watches.

[mrsronan]

If I were given 2 minutes to speak to 50,000 people I would practice my speech over and over. At home it would take me 2 minutes and 18 seconds if I spoke quickly and deleted all natural pauses. In front of a crowd it would take me 4 minutes. 

This happened on January 26 when I received the Gianna Molla award at the West Coast Walk for Life. A few days after the Walk my daughter told our friend about the event like this, “They had some pictures of Gianna Molla and gave us one. Mommy talked and everyone clapped.” I think that’s a pretty good description. 

You can see the speech here: https://www.walkforlifewc.com/chastidy-receiving-st-gianna-molla-award-opening-prayer-and-more/

Posted February 7, 2019