#just how much pressure society exibits. its impressive really. id try not to do things incase it wasnt | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

pizzapizzadickz · 2 years

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I often times find myself wondering when interacting with people "am I doing this right?'"

It used to be even more often, I probably was really anxious about it back then. Now... not so much? I still find myself worrying a bit. And especially trying to find the correct "answer" or action to say or do. But. It's not really by any fault of my own. It's just what's expected of me in social situations doesn't always come naturally. So I'm awkward. But idk. While I'll always probably try to find the right answer for things, I'm a bit less worried than I used to be. And I suppose that's something good in a way.

#normal #oh. i dont have to be like this. i can do something different #who the fuck am i really.#diary #personal #i honeslty didnt even think this would turn out to be positive. like. i thought its be a bit more down.#but idk. despite knowing im probably doing a lot of things wrong. im still a bit happier this way.#its been a long while since ive just done things that are more true to myself and now worried about the consequences. so its kinda nice #idk. obviously in places like work i mask much more. but at a coffee shop. or talking with friends. or even alone in my bedroom -#i do it much less. i used to be so self-conscious. i wouldn't even dance alone in my room. its strange to think thats -#just how much pressure society exibits. its impressive really. id try not to do things incase it wasnt #i think in a way the internet really saved me from a lot of that. yeah it probably exasperated some of my problems but it also helps too?#i can find communities and learn about things i love even if i dont participate.#i suppose its nice just knowing #and thats opened up a lot of avenues for me. like. knowing i dont need to be in a relationship. that i can collect stuffed toys.#that i can be obsessed with something stupid. just. a lot of small things like that? it sorta takes off that huge pressure to conform.#idk. i used to be so fixated on conforming and participating. and my mom quite litterally taught me to.#she always used to tell me about how when she had to move around she had to make consessions like that.#or how she didnt like it either just talking with the girls or whatever. so i sorta just thought of it all as normal.#so i just tried more and more and more to press myself into a mold without ever really caring what i liked. or thought #like. i knew what i wanted. but that wasnt right. so i id just. cut off bits n peices of myself.#i remember being oh so frustrated thinking and its so odd to think of now.#because now i just am. and even when im sad im happy. its peaceful really.#really though. being able to label things. and figure out stuff about myself and psychology and everything was amazing #im really glad ive both changed so much - yet really not at all at the same time #i still like the same things i did when i was 6. im still exactly the same at my core tbh.#but im much different from who i was in my teens. to me it really feels like just accepting who i always was.#and like. letting myself be who i was and am. i am me and thats sorta that?#idk. im just philosophizing myself yet again. but i also really enoys doing that XD

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