#just pure blood sweat and tears invested into their future happiness

[pluviophile-bookworm]

HSMTMTS 2x11: Let us pull up a chair as the dining room proudly presents... the reason for my next mental breakdown

I can't believe myself, honestly. Oversleeping on the one day of the week that I've got something exciting to wake up for? Oh well, I'm up now and I'd better go ahead and do this before my dashboard has showered me with spoilers. I mean, I have never really minded spoilers, but when it comes to this, somehow I do. Though I do wish something had forewarned me about last week's snap ending (get it, 'snap'... I'll see myself out). I'd better dive in already.

Yes, Mr Mazzara, that's what I've been saying for a while! Ok, maybe I haven't been very vocal about it, but it was in the foreground of my mind that they should have asked for Mr Mazzara's help re: transformation! I'm just glad he pointed it out. Not that he could have done much while he was busy playing therapist for his beloved Miss Jenn. Oh well.

Were those Ash and Ricky doing actual paired-up warmups? That is what they should have been doing for weeks now. That and having actual off-stage interactions, too. But I still subscribe to the theory that the gang had some good rehearsals off-screen — otherwise there's no way they could have been this good on stage as we saw in the previews. I said it last time and I'll say it again — not everything is for us to see.

Wow. The one time our leads are in unison, and it is about both being injured. The East High drama club must be cursed — they can't have one production run smoothly and without what can only be described as pure unbridled chaos.

They don't have any understudies? That explains some things... but also how? But also, I'm so happy Ashlyn is going on. No way she would have missed her first (first of many, right?) chance of being the lead because of some 'minor' injury.

Ricky and Nini still can't talk to each other properly. Oh well. Take your time. It's not like I care about this pairing anymore.

Did EJ just use the word 'dig'? Boy, the boy's got it baaaaaad. Also, what is it going to take for these two to realise they're in love? For all we know, they might have that big kiss we're all dreaming of and still be like 'nah, it's nothing, we're buddies'... give me a break! But I mean, at this point they might just be turning into Redlyn 2.0, where even a kiss doesn't define things. But hey, if they do follow in Redlyn's footsteps, that only means good things in their future, right?

What did that fake French git do to my boy Carlos? He's not supposed to look this inanimate until right before the climax of the play! Well, I mean, at least Seb serving as his interpreter means that Seb gets more lines for a bit. Too bad he can't go on for someone with more lines in the play.

Miss Jenn's 'words of inspiration' were less than inspired... yeah, this show's going down. Or it would, if it depended solely on her. Let's hope the kids do better. I mean, I know for a fact they will... at least for about 5 minutes of the thing. There is still room for things to go wrong and I'm scared.

Oh, my sweet boy... I wish I could jump in there and do something to help him feel less nervous. Thing is, if I were there, I'd probably be the most nervous of them all, even if I were playing Townsfolk #3 or something, and everyone's nervousness would rub off on me, and I would be making things worse instead of helping. So yeah, I'm kind of glad I'm not there.

Ahhhh who called it? @redlyncentral was it you? Ash got flowers for her Biggie! And there's a card whose contents we've yet to see. But that doesn't seem to be helping either. My sweet, sweet Reddy... I hope and pray he'll be alright.

Well this is awkward! Who told Mike to show up and shake everything up right now? Miss Jenn is literally on the brink of exploding, and now she's stuck in this completely unnecessary love triangle. She needs some space. And a quiet place to breathe, thanks Mr M for suggesting it.

'Did we forget to build a mote around the school or...' Yeah, you tell her, Rick! That girl whose name I never want to pronounce (because it makes me think of much nicer people and she's making me hate it) has no business being there. She's not... being given a redemption arc, is she now? Some people just don't deserve it. And if hating her is an unpopular opinion now, well, I never did care much about having popular opinions. I can live with that.

'Lily, scram!' Yes, thank you, Natalie! I've always wanted someone who would voice my thoughts in a way that the characters can hear them. Make this girl a main next season, won't you? (Just so we're crystal clear, I mean Natalie, not the other one.)

OMG Mr M is in the play! In a way... I love that!

I love, love, love the way they did the prologue. 'Repulsed [the prince makes an over-the-top gesture of repulsion] by her haggard appearance [the witch shows off her face to the audience]...' I love this. I would pay a lot for a chance to see their entire play, you know?

Oh dear, somebody give my boy Reddy some sort of... medical aid against all the throwing up! I've got a nice pill that helps me with my bad cases of motion sickness. Hey, so maybe I could have helped if I were there after all. Great, now I feel bad. But also, is all the throwing up an excuse on the writers' part to keep my boy off-screen for the majority of this episode? Because it's a really lame excuse.

Gina's 'Many questions' continues to be a mood. What exactly is Miss Jenn expecting from the kids? Last-minute adjustments? No way. This spells disaster.

Was Carlos on vocal rest or something? Because he shines like the star he is... despite all the very obvious nervousness backstage. I mean, I wouldn't have it any other way, but... oh well, I wouldn't say it's unrealistic. In my personal performing experience, the most nervous ones perform the best. (So... what is that saying for my boy Reddy? Good things only.)

I've already had the opportunity to geek out about Be Our Guest yesterday, but... I mean, just look at them! Carlos doesn't need actual candles to be on fire, Ashlyn is stealing the scene without any lines in it, Gina is absolutely gorgeous, and don't even get me started on EJ and Big Red looking at their girls in absolute awe! This is everything!

Aww, look at them! Gina and Ashlyn dancing together, I mean. They're sisters and it really shows. And I love them both so much.

Kourtney is an absolute show-stealer! I'm still upset about some casting choices (one of them is in this scene, doing his absolute best with the crumbs he has been given), but she is absolutely perfect. I think I'll rewind and watch this entire scene again before moving on with the rest of the episode.

I'd just like to point out that Frankie's voice in his lower register is everything!

'You absolutely dusted that stage'... Not EJ making a pun so punny even I could not have thought of it... boy is absolutely smitten!

Not me tearing up when Jordan Fisher appeared as Gina's brother... like, I knew it was happening — I knew it even before it was announced. And I still teared up because, well, it's emotional in-universe and out.

Awww, my boy Reddy is so in love with Ashlyn... I mean, who wouldn't be... but — not Ricky saying Lily might not be as mean as they thought. Especially not to Big Red of all people. To him, she was just as mean as they thought.

'Side hustle project in the south hallway'? Ooh, what is it, I want to know now!

Why do I feel like things are a bit too awkward between Kourtney and Howie? Not that I'm too invested in their relationship, but if it bothered me, imagine how it must feel for the stans.

No, Ash, you absolutely do not need to add any fancy riffs to the song! Especially not just because L... well, that girl did it. You're unique and lovely and a literal Disney princess inside and out. That girl? She's just a wolf in a sparkling golden dress.

Awww... Big Red literally lowers Ash's blood pressure! Those two are such an amazing couple! (Full disclosure, though, he kind of does the same for me too; the other night I had this horrible nightmare, and I woke up in cold sweat in the middle of the night, and then... ok, getting too personal there.) The point is, if even the fantasy of a Big Red hug makes me feel better, imagine what his actual presence would do for Ash at that moment. Where is my boy? Everyone seems to be looking for him.

Oh... guess they took my advice to give the poor boy something for his vomiting issue. Good for whoever thought of it.

And we're back to the Porter siblings... forgive me if I still can't wrap my head around calling Gina's brother Jamie. I don't know about you guys, but thanks to my lovely new friend Paz he will always be Theodore to me. I guess we can headcanon that as his middle name. Anyway, I love it that they made a joke about the hilarious height difference between him and Gina because, well, it's the only thing I can think about when I look at the two of them. It reminds me of me and my little cousin who has been taller than me since she was 10, and is still growing taller now at 13. But, I mean, it's not very hard to be taller than me, since I'm so, so short... ok, this is not about me. Moving on.

Was I the only one who actually laughed out loud at Ricky drinking from the bowl as the Beast? I mean, that part has always made me laugh in the original movie, but something about Ricky's take on it makes it even funnier.

Meanwhile, my girl Ash is absolutely killing it as Belle. Not me having the very same expression as Big Red while watching her... gosh, I love both of them so much! Also, no offence to the rest of the cast, but Julia really is the best vocalist out there. Out of all of them. I said what I said.

My apologies to Ricky, but his voice is just not it when it comes to playing the Beast. Still, with the other option being him putting on that fake deep voice from the audition, I'm glad he didn't.

Ahhhh Portwell nation you ok guys? Since we didn't get them singing Something There, this is very much the next best thing... and boy, is it good!

Those glances between Kourtney and Howie, on the other hand... what on Earth is happening there?

Ok, so you all know just how strongly I feel about Seb's casting as Chip, and yet... boy had one line and absolutely ate it up! Give him an actual singing role next time, Miss Jenn!

EJ being starstruck by Jamie not because he's a big music producer, but because he's Gina's brother... excuse me while I sob!

Excuse me, what!!!! 'A big brother figure'? Boy, this didn't turn out the way I thought it would... now I'm scared.

Way to ruin things, Jamie! And I don't even mean the fact that his name is not Theodore. It doesn't matter what his name is anymore. He might just have put a spanner in the works of Portwell, and they were just doing so well! Ugh, I'm so frustrated. I wish I'd never boarded — what did I call it — 'the majestic S.S. Portwell'. What if it doesn't set sail now?

And there goes another disappointment... Carlos' 'the orchestra hasn't vamped this much since Bop to the Top' line had nothing to do with Seblos, and everything to do with what might still be the downfall of this show. I am not ready.

No. Miss Jenn did not just say that. She did not just tell Ricky — who, may I remind you, not that anyone's forgotten, just fell off of a high place last episode — to 'jump off of something high'. I realise she's under all the pressure, but that is not an excuse. Well, at least she heard herself.

Oh my gods... Nini — well, Nina, actually — did not just call him 'Richard', did she? That's it, that's the point of no return. And well, I kind of wanted them to reach it.

Told you, didn't I? I told you that-girl-who-must-not-be-named was evil! I always follow my intuition and it has not once deceived me. Redeem that, if you can! Guess what? You can't. We've just reached another point of no return.

Wait, a bloody cliffhanger? I cannot handle this. I physically cannot handle this. If you need me, I'll be sitting on my bed in shock, trying to process everything that happened. I'll need a while to get a grip on myself.

[veridium]

dragon age day

I know today might be a bit overwhelming for the fandom since it is, of course, the day (the day of all days). When I thought about what I wanted to contribute, if anything, I could only think of saying thanks. As I am in the midst of finals and grading assignments, I don’t have many spoons to spare, except to reiterate what I have said so many times before: dragon age has provided me with so many blessings. 

CW: discussion of toxic relationship, emotional abuse.

Some of you know that around the time I joined the fandom in 2018 (after having only played Inquisition for several months beforehand), I was in the midst of an incredibly toxic, emotionally abusive, and failing relationship. I had just graduated college and was at a crossroads. Because the relationship was the longest and most serious I had ever known I was incredibly attached to it, even as it became detrimental to my happiness. We were planning on getting engaged this past summer. Our entire lives were planned and I was in it for the long haul. 

Earlier that year my ex had gifted me Inquisition after I kept seeing it in GameStop and saying I had always wanted to try it. I played it once, got infuriated by the Hinterlands, and put it down for a long time. Around the time I finished undergrad I decided to give it another try, and quickly became hooked. I would spend hours and hours in front of the TV learning by trial and error how to play. My ex was the more prolific gamer but that quickly started to change. 

That wasn’t the only shift that was happening. 

One of the symptoms of my ex’s and her family’s toxicity and its impact on me was that I had become incredibly detached from art. I have been artistic since I was strong enough to hold a crayon in my hand. My family swore for years I’d be an artist, or an actress. But I have learned that, what all-too-often happens when you choose to love something that doesn’t love you the way you deserve in return, you lose touch with all the things that remind you of why you’re so worthy of a great love. You don’t invest in it, you don’t nourish it, because it becomes all about preserving this person in your life and what you believe they bring to it. When things turn dark the natural inclination is to sacrifice more in order to save it: to prove that you can be as loyal as your promised. 

A year later and I am still unpacking the trauma that was inflicted upon me during that time of my life, trauma I didn’t know by name as it was happening because I had given my all to someone I loved and the future we wanted. But not everything was rosey and blissful, and I am reflecting upon that. I think back to what finally woke me up, and it’s quite literally this: I turned into a huge, enthusiastic, and clumsy nerd. 

Playing a game with such a vivid world took what was perhaps one of the last surviving matchsticks there was, lighting it, and dropping it on me. My imagination consumed Thedas like water after a 40-year drought. I began theorizing characters, researching the prior games, and scrolling through the wiki site hunting for lore. I realized the universe was so much bigger than what Inquisition represented. 

Then, I bought the first sketchbook I had in over a year. 

My characters became my muse, and over time, their portraits grew into stories. I looked up Tumblr and rejoined specifically to engage with the fandom and see what sharing my love with other people could do for my creativity. Even though art and writing were lifelong passions of mine, I had no intention whatsoever of writing fanfiction until I read other people’s work, saw the fun they were having with it and what it was doing for their healing, and I decided to go out on a limb.

The more stories I wrote the more I remembered my marrow: I was so much more than what my relationship, and my partner’s family, warped me into seeing. My original characters started out as projections of the qualities and traits I loved and missed about myself, as well as love letters to the women and queer people in my life. And in the canon characters I grew attached to I saw hope and inspiration for surviving adversities. Tests of faith, conviction, and courage under pressure. In their stories I found refuge and reliability for a terrible era of my life where I felt so completely alone.

As I gave more and more time to my passions, my relationship strained even further than it had. I was no longer hopelessly devoted to its endurance, I had something that was purely mine again, and my partner’s encouragement waned. It turned into jealousy -- for this and many other parts of my life I used as an escape from the sadness -- and rather than bend as I had done before, I pushed back. I protected what was my own and I did not sacrifice it. To be fair it wasn’t always healthy: I would log hours and hours into the game to escape the stress of the relationship, to distract myself from the fact that my mental health was the lowest and frailest it had been in years, and the cold, hard truth: it was over, or else I was going to commit my life to something terrible. 

Months later, I said enough. I ended the relationship once and for all. I was moving my life out of an apartment I had lived in for years, saying goodbye to everything I had fought so hard to build. In your early 20s everything feels like a vast unknown and you have a manual with no writing on its pages. Every serious decision feels like invoking a storm you have to hunker down in. I still deal with that, and am learning from it with every new season. I have also learned that sometimes destruction, and creative recklessness, is about so much more than loss. I had given up security I was paying for with my emotional well-being. 

But I kept me, and my sketchbooks, and my art supplies, and my stories. I had my cat, too, but you know, technicalities (haha).

So, for as imperfect as my fandom experience has been, and for as grumpy as I have become with society’s bullshit (which is quite the high level), I will always be grateful to these games for existing. For giving me something to hold onto when my life was falling apart, a world I could slip away to when I wasn’t ready to face the evils in my own. Because when I was finally ready, and willing to be my own warrior, my imagination was ready to make something out of nothing. These games and this universe helped me save myself.

Thank you to Dragon Age, to the fandom community I have made in its name, and to everyone who makes it worthwhile. But it wouldn’t be me without saying: fuck off to every single bullshit game writer who used its medium to perpetuate harmful tropes and norms, fuck off to fandom racists and racist apologists, to queerphobes who hated my meta on account of it using the word queer even though it was my explicit voice as a queer creative on queer issues (did I forget to say queer? queer!), to Vivienne haters, sexist gamer bros, fetishists; but explicitly to romanticizers of unhealthy power dynamics between couples and friends alike. These horror stories (yes, horror stories) exist enough in real life, take it from me. We don’t need them made into romanticized, co-opted, and misused fictions here. 

The reason why I and so many others write for this universe, and participate creatively, is to combat these influences. With our own blood, sweat, and tears as artists, might I add. I am so, so proud to be included in that community. 

So, happy Dragon Age Day, ya’ll. Let us keep warm on this, our trash can fire. 

[peacefulwriter88]

Part Three: Such Fine Music Waits in the Shadows of Hell

Steve Rogers X Reader WoC, Bucky X Reader WoC

Warnings: M for Mature (language, SMUT)

A/N: This is a three part series inspired by the Hades and Persephone mood board I created that inspired me to write about Steve as a living Hades and a ballet reader as Persephone. You can read Part One here and Part Two here.

“Aren’t you afraid of my darkness my dear?” Hades asked with mischief dancing in his eyes. “No,” Persephone replied, “You haven’t even seen mine yet.”

  -Unknown

___

I’m losing her.

There’s nothing else to say but that the woman that was my daughter no longer belongs to me.

Her cheeks blush secretly with the secret she doesn’t tell and her laughter carries a new tune that is foreign to my ears and and her eyes lie to me before her voice does.

Someone else has laid claim.

I can see it in the way she moves, her strut now of confidence her soft words full of surety. There’s a ghost that’s been whispering secrets in her ear and sputter out against me and she withdraws from me in shame.

And she leans into it willingly

“Who is he?” Reyna looks over at you, her daughter during the third rehearsal of Manon. You look up from the deep stretch you were engaged in, sweat dripping from your face as you quirk up an eyebrow and ask,

“What?”

“The man? The one who’s widened those naturally stiff hips of yours, who leaves bite marks across your neck.”

She’s disgusted that you think she wouldn’t find out, that you were still twelve and thought you could outwit her. At first you had been careful and despite her suspicions you had been consistent with your lies.

But now you were getting sloppy, his love bites were prevalent everywhere - your thighs, your neck, your cleavage and with the long rehearsal hours you had gotten lazy covering his work.

You smile, resume your position and snicker,

“Oh mother really with the dramatics. Do you think you could’ve kept me a pure innocent forever? It doesn’t matter who it is - you’d never guess anyways. What matters is that I’m still focused; I’m still showing up and providing my best and it doesn’t matter who takes me to bed when I’m done.”

Reyna gasps, she knows the whole room has stuttered in the motions from your crisp, clear words. You had never talked back to her. You were her good girl - her angel - and you would have never found the words to rise against her.

Yet here you were. You stand up, arms stretched wide as you move from her, pass your classmates.

“I’m going to finish stretching outside. Where I’m not going to be judged.”

Reyna doesn’t have the words as she watches you saunter off.

____

Everyone’s caught wind of the tiff. Naive and sweet angelic Benedetti mouthing off to her bitchy mother Reyna, the former queen?

It spreads like wildfire.

Reyna wouldn’t be embarrassed no, would gladly ingest the whispers if there weren’t new words also tangled in gossip.

“Y/N got off her high horse and isn’t as pure as we thought anymore.”

“Apparently this guy fucks the shit out of her. Have you seen the marks he leaves all over her? God, let me find a guy like that….I loved being marked up.”

“At least she’s didn’t turn into her mother and is still quiet little Benni.”

“She got tired of being the ballets little princess and has given into sin.”

No one knows who the mystery man is.

Reyna suspects her roommates do, they all smile and giggle with you in warm up, shut down any injury inquiries that float their way and Reyna worries it’s with the director. Wouldn’t be the first time a Benedetti slept with one to get ahead, she knows, but she doesn’t want your story to end like hers.

So she presses.

Visits you unexpectedly, walks you to and from your apartment. She’s smothering you, she knows and it’s finally a cold evening that you turn on her and yell,

“Enough! I’m thirty - I’m my own woman and I can love who I please.”

“It's not about who you choose  to love. You can choose whoever gives you joy. It's the fact that you won’t share who it is with me and you tell me everything.”

You sigh as you stop in your tracks and look at her. Your beauty was at its prime, the confidence that only sex and love can give you paired with the years of work you’ve invested in your body. Honestly, Reyna knew that it would only be time before someone captured your eye, stole your heart and with it your dreams.

Except she didn’t expect this, this natural rebellion, this change in attitude.

“For as simple as my life is he’s isn’t. And you had made it clear from the minute I hit puberty that love couldn’t be an option in my life. So why would I tell you?”

There is bitterness and pain in your words and Reyna reaches for you. You shrug out of her embrace, wipe at your eyes.

“Its fine,” it obviously isn’t as you move past her, walking faster, “Just respect the boundaries I’ve created in my personal life. You’ve controlled everything else about me this far, respect this.”

You storm away, annoyed and Reyna watches your shadow disappear into the night.

____

She is kindness.

She is hope.

She is rivaled light and good, her energy radiates out of her pores. She dances a tango of life and death and doesn’t trip up in its complicated discourse, she takes his savagery and turns it into love.

Flowers weep at her departure and blossom upon her return and she has turned hell into a sanctuary of comfort, her arms a shield from thorns and bone.

She is his and he is hers and together they laugh alone.

Steve watches you as you stretch out to your toes from the comfort of the floor, the muscles in your body contracting as you reach out with ease. There is something beautiful about the way your body was layered in equal parts muscle and fat, strength and softness that captured your soul.

You were upset, you’d never voice it but the minute you stepped into his apartment, cordially greeting Sam before you walked into his bedroom he knew there was something distracting your thoughts. You had barely touched your dinner. Odd as you were ravenous lately after rehearsals and despite the topic he tried to start you wouldn’t keep the normal steady beat of a conversation.

“So I was talking to Sam,” his voice startles even him as you look over to him from your stretch, your head easily resting on your thighs and he takes a moment to admire the flexibility and strength in your body, “He’s thinking of moving out.”

Your hands stop reaching, irises looking deeply into his before you lean up, stretch out to the ceilings. Your body cracks and he winces, still uncomfortable with the natural sounds your body creates from being a dancer as you cross your legs and look at him.

“Are you going to move out to?”

He shakes his head,

“No. I like it here. I like this neighborhood - I like this privacy. I like that my neighbors treat me like any other guy who would live in a building and call me Steve. I like being able to do normal things with you here.”

You smile at him, it's the first he’s seen you crack all evening and he exhales heavily as he looks down at his hands. Their stained from ink, the nails dirtied with blood and grim from the mission he and Sam just got back from. He thought this would be easier, would come up naturally after dinner when you both were putting the dishes away or cuddled on the couch watching a new TV show you and Sam had selected.

He’s not sure of your mood, unsure if he’s the cause of your silence and it makes him insecure - hesitant for the first time in what feels like months. Knows that if Sam could witness his mild panic attack he’d tell him to hold off, to wait until you both were in better places.

He’s impatient - knows the anxiety of not asking would cripple him more than your answer so he pushes through the fog.

“Well that's good.”

Your voice is soft and velvety in that way that soothes him and he looks up at you, his eyes scrunching together.

“I suppose…..well, my point is. I was wondering if you would like to, and this is no pressure I know we’ve barely been dating, if you would like to move in with me?”

The smile on your face doesn’t break as you look over at him, whimsical before you stand up and walk toward him. He’s been sitting at the edge of the bed and you easily slid between his legs, sitting on his right thigh as you wrap your arms around his neck. You press your forehead to his own as he draws you closer to him, your breath mingling with his as you lift your hand to his cheek.

“This is a big step Steve. Not just for you or for me individually. This is a big step for us. For our relationship.”

His eyes peer into your own as he tightens his hold around you,

“I know that. I also know that there was only one other woman who has made me feel the way you make me feel when I even think about you. And I was foolish and choose the happiness of others over my own. I don’t want  to repeat that again. I choose myself and I choose you.

I love you.”

It's the first time he’s voiced the words out loud. Before they felt too delicate, too fragile to expel out into the world. He’s selfish, he wants you all the time, you’ve given him the gift of what it feels like to be human again. He pictures a future with you, wants you to be the only one he makes sacrifices to and for, wants to protect you from the cruelties of the world.

Your eyes fill with wetness, thick tears that swell at the base of your eyes and spill out over your cheeks. Even when you cried you were beautiful and he leans in to press his lips to your cheeks, his mouth catching a tear before it can finish its descent down your face.

“I love you too.”

“I know.” he grins.

You smile, press your lips against his own in a kiss before you whisper,

“Yes. My answer is yes.”

____

You move in the second week into your show, a month after he has asked. You insist to him that you can wait, that there was no rush and your roommates understood but he pushes back and says he can do it easily. That he can recruit others to help out.

You only agree after insisting you must pack all of your things first.

It's an easy request.

Meanwhile the world has gone quiet - its as if having the world's population snapped in half, then snapped back into place - has provided a peacefulness in humans. Sure there were incidents that would arise but they weren’t like before. The world may not have a need for the Avengers anymore. It causes Steve to become restless, idle.

He goes to all of your shows because he has the extra time, sometimes watching in the shadows to draw your form and other times he’s in the front row, loving the passionate look of love that he only sees when you dance. His name is becoming an afterthought on people's mind, a ghost of who he was despite the missions he takes and its one Sunday morning, the both of you making breakfast together at the stove that you clear your throat, whisper,

“So I was talking to a friend and….they have an opening down at the New York School of Art. I told them about some of your work and they said that you would have an excellent chance of getting in. You know, if you wanted. And less people aren’t recognizing you on the street so you could be in peace.”  

Despite the fact that your arm is wrapped around his waist, the other sauteeing onions he feels you withdrawing and he pulls you to him, kisses your head.

“Are you suggesting I go to art school?”

You bite your lip anxiously and shrug.

“I don’t know even half of what it means to be responsible for saving the world, to have the power of strength and agility running through your veins. I don’t know what it must feel like to have so much of what has come to define a part of your identity to suddenly be stolen because humans have learned the art of resting.

I do understand restlessness, of feeling caged and not being able to break through to what gives you joy and I know you don’t sleep through the night like you used to, that you spend all of your time drawing and that you're living in silence. I think you should try something that will give you joy. Just for a bit.

The world will always be around for saving.”

“I’m not sure that’s true.” He cuts you off and you exhale, placing your chin on his arm.

“That's okay. You aren’t looking at it like I am, outward in.”

“You’re telling me to sacrifice others for my own happiness?” he doesn’t mean to be defensive and you hesitate before you answer,

“I’m saying that you can choose you sometimes and not be the bad guy. That you can make your own happiness and not rely on it from others.”

He’s silent after that and you don’t approach it even further. Made it clear where you stood on the matter.

He doesn’t apply immediately. Instead, he tries to take on as many missions that come up. He was hurt by your words, he doesn’t deny that. It makes him withdraw from you and it's on a cold night that you whisper into the darkness, ‘I just don’t think fighting brings you happiness. That’s all I meant Steve. I just want you to be happy.’ Your words are hurt and  broken - he knows that you’re probably crying and it causes him to draws you to him, kiss you in apology. Perhaps it didn’t. He starts to focus on the emotional connection he has when he’s fighting for freedom, the way it makes him feel after and he comes to the sound conclusion you’ve known all along.

It doesn’t feel good anymore. Not even self serving. Just another routine. Another exhausting, draining routine.

He tells you he applies one late autumn night, fresh off of a mission and not even undressed from his uniform and showered. Crawls into the large shared bed you’ve both invested in, arms drawing you back into his chest as you wrap yourself around him.

“I can’t rely on you completely for my happiness.” he whispers into your hair, holding you tightly. Tears fall from his face because he realizes that the selfishness he holds in his heart for you is because he doesn’t know how to be happy without you, that he willingly broke the heart of his best friend to try to guarantee some form of joy for himself. He doesn’t want to dilute his happiness with you, wants to know how to bring warmth to his own heart - to not live in darkness so he can give you the same joy you give him.

“I know. You’ll figure it out,” you turn to him, press your lips sleepily upon his closed eyes. “You’re not alone and I love you. Just, for once, do something for you.”

___

Break me of your bonds.

I can no longer dance in the ballet of your love. No longer want to be a slave to your beauty, my soul a prisoner to your heart.

Let me be free of you, to seek forgiveness in the act, to bathe in serendipity. May my dark heart find light in someone else, to dance a tango with a devil, to find comfort in her hell.

Let me be free,

Please.

Just let me be.

The first time is an accident. Its after he leaves Sam and Steve’s for dinner with you, an awkward two hours in which he is accosted by your presence. He tries to numb his brain of you - tries to erase the kind way you rest your hand on his metal arm or try to understand the way his calculative brain thinks through things when he’s forced with a gun in his hands or the sound of your laughter when he tells a joke.

It's not love that bonds you to him, he knows, all of your love is reserved for Steve. There is an understanding, an empathetic knowledge of what it means to be the puppet for someone else for years and to be given  freedom and to fall into yourself because freedom is as foreign as living.

He cries silently on the walk back because he’s gotten to that place in his thoughts where in a world where Steve stopped existing there was no you and him. Of course that meant that in a world where there is no Steve, though, there probably wouldn’t be a him. Not the version of himself that he was today at most, he’d still be fighting his memories as the Winter Soldier.

The world operated in a cruel, manipulative balance.

So when he happens upon her, crying alone on the balcony where she thinks no one knows she sneaks off too late in the night, he just wants someone to hold. For someone who understands what it means to be robbed of happiness and to feel that there is only emptiness in the future.

He doesn’t mean to kiss her.

But he’s so touch starved, and her lipstick is as bold as her wavy red hair, she burns in the darkness that he has to have a taste. He expects her to punch him in the gut, to try to rip off his prosthetic arm, to ward him off of her but instead she leans into him just as eagerly, arms wrapping around his body.

That's how it begins.

Natasha isn’t the kind of woman who wants to be romanced, still acts cold with him on missions or when the group is forced on social outings. Except, she eagerly waits for him in the safety of his room, hands gripping for the soft fabric of his shirt, legs wrapping themselves around his waist, mouth sloppily on his own. She’s majestic in the safety of the night, laughs and whispers with him, makes promises that breathe hope into his heart as she rides him passionately. Doesn’t cower away in fear with him.

In return he tries his best to keep her happy, cleans her guns for her before missions and picks up the little russian cookies she likes to treat herself to on occasion. She laughs more, now with him instead of at him, appreciates his input when its given, challenges Steve on why he’s been so distant with his longtime friend. She quietly paints herself onto him, brushes her hands against his own in public, teases his foot under the table during briefings.

For a while he thinks he’s forgotten all about you, that you’ve become a cloudy memory in the list  of cloudy memories and that he was no longer your slave - that he was free of you.

For a minute he believes he’s free.

“We should do something for each other.”

It's her voice in the darkness, arms wrapped around his own after a session of lovemaking. Her face rests on his chest and he chuckles, kisses her forehead.

“We do do things for each other. Like have sex.”

She laughs, it's not seductive and dark but light and playful as she squeezes herself to him.

“Not like that. Like go out and do something that doesn’t involve a bed and physical activity,” he laughs again as she lifts her head, her eyes twinkling in the dark. “I want to treat you to a night out. You’ve been really….great these past few months. Let's go on a date. Jump one step ahead of making it official.”

He nods, presses his lips against her own. He could do that. For her, he could try.

He doesn’t suspect it to be the last place his heart can survive.

Until he’s looking up at the building, waterfalls dancing in its twinkling lights, Natasha’s arms wrapped in his own. Convinced him into a tuxedo, herself a tight black dress as she steers him to where Steve stands, waiting for them. He’s also in a tuxedo, hands stuffed in his pockets, his face forming the beard Bucky was acquainted with when he first saw his friend in Wakanda.

“Thanks for getting us tickets Steve. There sold out - your girlfriend is making a name for herself and its damn near impossible to snag one.”

Steve is relaxed, Bucky hasn’t seen his friend in what feels like years and the blue eyes that watch him now are different from months back. They’re full of light, full of the Steve that he remembered, that he missed.

“She was happy to hold them for you. She was happy to hear that Bucky was dating someone and feeling a bit hurt he hadn’t come to see her dance.”  

“You’ve met her before?” Natasha asks surprised, looking over at Bucky and Steve shrugs it off,

“She made dinner for him and Sam a few months back. She’s excited to meet you Natasha.”

Bucky’s never watched you dance, made a point to never cross that line for his heart. Knows that it's a dangerous path that it would take him down, that his heart would always belong to you and no other.

He’s right in his hypothesis.

You’re a siren, melodic and entrancing the moment you step onto the stage. There’s a powerful gentleness to the way you carry your body, a silent grace in the way you narrate the love story. There’s joy, joy that can only come from doing something you love and why Steve latched on to you, why he stole you from Bucky’s heart strings and kept you for his own.

You breathed love into life.

By the time the curtain falls there’s hot tears that pour from his eyes and it’s Natasha who wipes them away, lovingly teases the sensitive part he’s shown in public. There’s a haziness in her eyes, they glitter with her own tears but when one escape she turns away, looks at Steve and brushes it away like it was nothing.

“She’s invited you both to dinner if you want.” Steve says lowly, above the chatter of the theater patrons and Bucky wants to say no but Natasha is faster as she breathes out ‘yes, of course’.

The restaurant isn’t far from the theater, the same one Bucky had followed you and Steve too months earlier, the upscale dining decor brighter peering out than when he was looking in. You join them forty five minutes later, pea coat billowed open as you rush to their table - to Steve. He stands immediately when he senses your presence, smiling as you shuffle toward him in your heels.

“I’m so sorry! The interview went far longer than I expected and then my mother needed a word. I think she may be onto to you.”

You lean up and kiss him, pausing when you pull away to whisper the soft words Bucky’s heart can’t bear.

I love you.

Steve repeats the words, endearingly before he’s helping you out of your jacket, exposing the off shoulder burgundy dress you’ve opted into and you barely slide into your seat before your eyes drink in Bucky - Natasha.

“Oh my, my manners! Bucky, I’m so happy to see you again! And I’m happy you finally came to my show.”

You lean into him, hugging him and he feels attacked as his senses are overwhelmed by jasmine, your warmth. You pull away and drink him in, before your eyes are flickering over to Natasha,

“You must be Natasha. Steve has spoken so much of you, it’s an honor to finally meet.”

Natasha spends a half minute drinking you in, breaking you down before she extends out her hands, smiles seductively back to you. Bucky can sense you withdrawing into yourself, eyes flickering over to Steve who easily places his hand around your waist, gives your hips a squeeze. How odd, he finds, that a woman like Natasha intimidated you when you carried the weight of everything Natasha had ever yearned. Natasha isn’t malicious though, she’s sincere as she compliments your dancing, your technique and strength. You’re humble, nearly falling into your seat as Steve wraps his arms around you, caresses your arm when you get flustered. Bucky liked that fame wasn’t changing you, that you were still shy and quiet and unaware of the beauty and gifts that you carried with you.  

You are mindful when you turn the tables and ask more about Natasha, her past, a conversation that in the past the redhead would  have shut down immediately but with you it flows languidly, like the wine the waiter keeps pouring into their glasses. You’re a mindful listener as you learn about the red room, about Natasha’s history with ballet - how she still had an affinity and passion for it and halfway through her words you rest your hand over her own, squeeze it gently. You don’t say anymore, both Steve and Bucky are worried that perhaps even for you you’ve crossed a line but Natasha leans into it with gratefulness, squeezes your own hand back until dinner arrives.

You were enticing, even for someone like Natasha.

The conversation eventually turns to how Steve was faring in art school, Bucky didn’t even know his friend had applied and Steve makes a point to flip the attention back to you and how proud he was to see you get featured in the Times and be asked full time to be a prima for the company. He talks about how he no longer felt the heaviness from being Captain America full time, that he liked his classes and the challenges they provided, allowed to see the world like he used to. There’s a new air of happiness about him, emits from him and its startling for Bucky because he’s never known his blonde friend to be happy or content. Always bitter and finding something to be bitter about - that was the Steve Rogers.

When Bucky broaches if Steve would consider quitting the Avengers, its you that quickly steps in, shaking your head though you tenderly place a hand over Steve’s.

“I’m happy that Steve has finally made space for him to be happy - that he has carved out what gives him joy. But I don’t think it would also be realistic to think he could completely quit something that has defined so much of him and his personality. While I won’t lie and say I’d like that alternative, it wouldn’t be fair to him, or me or the world.”

You withdraw from the stares from the three of them and lean into your wine glass, shaking your head,

“It's not my decision to make it...sorry Steve. I shouldn’t speak on your behalf.”

Bucky knows Steve doesn’t mind it - that he agrees with you from the way he smiles at you, lifts your hand and kisses it while mumbling it’s ok. Steve no longer served himself in melancholy, he served and respected you and Bucky wonders if you were aware the magnitude to have someone like Steve loyal and ready for your beck and call. Perhaps not knowing made it better.

When Natasha and Bucky leave the couple two hours later it’s Natasha who states,

“I’m giving my blessing for Steve to marry her.”

Bucky flashes her eyes to him as she looks up at him thoughtfully. He didn’t even know Steve was debating it and when he’s fucking Natasha later on that night it’s your face he imagines in the dark.

One more desire to soothe his aching heart.

___

Apparently Steve isn’t though - not fully. It was just something that Natasha was starting to put into Steve’s ear because she liked you that much. Liked the perspective you gave Steve, liked that you weren’t like the people in their life, had a quiet power to you.

She starts inviting you to things - to the Tower with Steve for dinner, out bowling with the team, birthdays. The both of you are withdrawn at first, you and Steve. You’re cordial enough but you don’t make a move to connect with any of the other Avengers, your eyes withdrawing into itself whenever anyone speaks too enthusiastically about the worlds they have seen. You always fall back to Steve, but when he’s distracted in another conversation you find Bucky, admitting after the third engagement your flusteredness.

“Your world is so different than my own,” you say bashfully at a birthday event, a cup of sparkling water in your hand. “Steve keeps these things from me, knows I don’t need to know it all to love him. Meeting a man from space, a real life martian….its a bit tantalizing and I’m not sure if its in a good or a bad way.”

You’re speaking about Thor and it makes Bucky laugh, makes him ease into his own seat.

“I know what you mean.”  

He takes these opportunities as not curses but as gifts to learn more about you. He learns that you’ve been asked to dance prima for the next few ballets, that you would do a small tour with your company in the coming winter months and that you and Steve were remodeling your apartment. He provides silent guidance to the gifts you should buy Steve for the holidays and is surprised on Christmas morning of the album you’ve crafted as his present - pictures from a time that his mind has long forgotten, of his sisters and his mom and dad. Steve and him.

“I was making one for Steve and...I don’t know. It's hard to imagine a world where you existed when my grandparents did but you do and I couldn’t imagine feeling that piece of identity lost.”

He cherishes it more than the sniper rifle that Natasha gifts him.

He learns that you’ve told your mother about Steve, about the family dinner Steve suggested you both host for her. That Steve hates her as much as Reyna probably hated him but that they both tried for her.

“I think my mother fears that Steve is going to leave me and Steve fears that Reyna will never let me live my life.” You sigh one cold New Years Eve party, nervously picking at your finger, a nervous tick. You’ve both stepped outside and the short, gold glittery dress that hugs your body glimmers in the moonlight. “They both have very strong opinions of the other though Steve is better at keeping his feelings to himself.”

You drunkenly admit to him on St. Patrick's Day how much you love Steve’s beard, that you’re happy he’s re-grown it out. Steve’s temporarily left to check on Sam at the pub they had decided to celebrate the holiday and trusted your care with Bucky. It's been six months since the ballet and the trust that was severed between both super soldiers was silently mending itself, enough that Steve didn’t feel the need to protect you from his best friend.

“It's just so soft and it makes him so distinguished. So handsome. So sexy….” you slur the words and though you nearly topple in his arms, he can’t help but smile down as you giggle, grappling his arms. “I like the way it makes my thighs burn after,” you hiccup, “You know.” you wiggle your brows and laugh some more.  

He changes the subject after that comment.

He spirals into you, allows himself into the small sliver of your world. Likes that Natasha has coordinated each event to also include you, confides in you.

Selfishly he uses her to get to you.

Until one night, after a bout of love making she withdraws away. Doesn’t curl into his side like he’s accustomed, instead pulls from him, swings her legs out of the bed and sits looking out into the moon out the window.

“Be honest with me Bucky,” she whispers minutes later, her voice low. “Don’t lie, okay.”

“Okay?” he doesn’t know what it is she needs as she wraps her arms around herself. He reaches out for her, his cold fingers grazing her back and her spine ripples in goosebumps as she asks,

“Do you love me?”

Bucky pauses, sits up in bed and clears his throat.

“What?”

“Do you love me?” Natasha asks again, same low voice. She’s met with silence, met with Bucky trying to untangle his thoughts.

Did he love her? He wasn’t sure.

She nods.

“Do you love Y/N.”

His heart lunges, his breath breaks but he doesn’t dare say the word that will betray him. He doesn’t have too, Natasha turns to him tears in her eyes knowingly.

“You moan out her name in your sleep sometimes. I see the way you look at her, the way you look at Steve. I understand why you both stopped talking to each other a long time ago now. It was her. You loved her and she choose Steve.”

Bucky doesn’t say anything, turns and looks away ashamed.

Betrays the truth.

“I’m not going to be a poor woman’s Persephone anymore. Go mourn the loss of your almost lover alone.”

She leaves him swiftly, doesn’t look back and he feel a part of him robbed, that coldness that encases his heart. He wants to call out to her, to apologize, to explain she gives him joy but he knows its all lies.

He loved you and he felt like always will.

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[i-smell-kyouten]

Little KYOUTEN rant.

[Warning: it's long af.]

For real, this will take you at least 15 minutes to read. I hope I won't be a bother if I ask you to read this. No rush.

So, here it goes. I'm going to show you the importance that is KyouTen for me and for a lot of IE's followers. Even nonshippers, I dare to say.

But first, let me tell you a few things about this blog.

I can't really remember when I created "i-smell-kyouten" (that didn't have this name at first, but has lots of transformations. One of them was "kyoucchan to tecchan to sakkabooru" and I was really proud of that url, you can't even imagine) was probably more than 5 years ago. I don't really want to go look it up right now, as I'm in need of venting about the things I've wanted to say for a long time, ever since the finale of IEGalaxy.

(Pardon my English, I've improved a lot these years but I still struggle with it, I hope it is still comprehensible.)

This blog was born for the sole purpose of publishing my works and occasionally talk about my favourite anime and fictional characters. Sometimes I spent my time making new memes (I still remember the kirino-candy one during chrono stone!era; never forget.), but all in all, I wasn't supposed to invest a lot of my time (url) on social networks.

But then KyouTen happened.

I'll be honest with y'all, I didn't fall in love with them at first. It was just an enjoyable show, with cute kids playing one of the sports I liked the most, but that was it. Then the backstory of Tsurugi happened and my wig was violently snatched.

And you know what? It looked cliche at first, but it worked.

That's the point on IE. Something can seem cliche, but it still sticks in your mind, no matter what. This happened with the first match Tsurugi plays with Raimon.

Yes, the one in which the other team threatened to break Tenma's legs. Oooh, and Tsurugi lost it there. It IS because of his brother's momentary conditions of course, but something in my mind told me that Tsurugi KNEW that Tenma didn't deserve that kind of treatment. Above all the fact that Tenma GENUINELY LOVES SOCCER, like he did when he was little. And how Yuuichi still does, even after having his legs immobilized.

First conclusion: Tsurugi actually cares for Tenma's wellbeing, even if he doesn't really know him.

The anime shows that he kind of distances himself from everything, like he knew he show a side of him he didn't have to (of course even helping Rain in win the matcj; it was all a mistake); it all brings to him to worry about Yuuichi's future.

Hence, we have Tenma following Tsurugi and ending up in the hospital where Kyousuke was going to.

(From here, the "you. Me. Bed. Now." Gif was one of the greatest things ever.)

I have really shattered memories from now on, and I'll probably miss some steps. Anyway, going forward after some matches, Yuuichi finding out about the deal Kyousuke made with Fifth Sector and big bro scolding Tsurugi, all of this brought the latter to open up more to people.

With people, we mean Matsukaze Tenma. The one who him "the path of true soccer".

(TSURUGI KYOUSUKE 2K12)

Can you believe it's already 5 years since that confession? What I do believe is that Tsurugi was soooo sincere about it, he talked with such a relaxed expression and voice that I don't know how can I fall more in love with a voice if not with this one (Oohara-san, I see you there, shout out to you my man.)

And that's where I was going. The Fire Tornado Double Drive.

I don't even need to say more. That's the hissatsu even my brother considers the gayest but most powerful ever.

(He even used it the most in Strikers. He isn't a fan of yaoi. As in, he thinks that I find every kind of friendship between boys as gay. And him saying that that hissatsu is the gayest thing he ever saw says a lot, I think.)

That hissatsu represents their efforts, blood, sweat, tears, feelings, worries; everything about that special technique represents THEM. It's their special attack. An upgrade of their beloved Gouenji's famous technique.

And the scene where they perform that new hissatsu is so SATISFYING that you can't help but watch it a thousand, infinite times because it's THAT good.

So, do you remember after the match, they win, Tenma has the trophy in his hands and talks about how Soccer must be happy right now and Kariya is a partypooper? From whom does Tenma find support for his words?

Tsurugi.

This is kind of a resume of the first season. But you can guess from here that TENMA and TSURUGI were destined to meet.

Think about a world without Tenma. Would Tsurugi still return form his old self?

No.

Then, what if Tsurugi weren't with Tenma? Would he enjoy soccer as much as he did with his presence? I seriously think not.

They complement each other.

They love each other.

No matter what kind of love, because LOVE is important in any kind of form.

But Tenma is part of Tsurugi's being, and vice versa.

Chrono Stone? Oh. Don't let me start. @linabigface has made lots of posts about the game that tells you exactly what I am talking about. I don't even need to rant about it.

Galaxy? Will sum it up in a sentence.

Tsurugi is whipped for Tenma.

Need an explanation? Fine.

Since episode one, Tsurugi can't seem to not call Tenma's name at least once per episode. I remember there is a very good video in nico that counted the times Tsurugi called Tenma and it surpassed the 50 times, if I'm not mistaken.

He's scared about Tenma when he knocks out for a moment, when he falls on the ground.

(again, oohara's job here is fantastic.)

He even separates "Guys..." with "Tenma". (The episode in which he comes to know the truth and he's watching the distance. I really don't remember what was happening actually, I'm so sorry this is the sign I'm finally getting old!)

He only smiles when there's Tenma around? TSURUGI SMILES?! Can you see the contradiction?

Do we have to talk about the last match? Please, I actually don't want to. It brings me moments in which I honestly cried for hours because I couldn't believe what my eyes were seeing. But the battle was epic. And both of them be brought out their Spirits at the same time, it HAS to mean something.

Their souls are so in sync that they bring the best from each other.

The photo they take in the ending is a true blessing and I'll never forget about it. Not only Tsurugi is genuinely smiling, but both the boys lean on each other with such comfortable expressions, like THEY LOATHE THE CONTACT.

(Moments I didn't mention but have a special spot in my heart:

-Tenma discovering the Tsurugi that was traveling with them is a fake. He falls on the ground BREATHLESS (game version). Thank you Terasaki-san, for being such a skilled voice actor.

- Tenma finally meets Tsurugi again on the field, but the latter wears the opposite team's uniform. He smirks as if he's enjoying the thing. (He's just really happy to play against Tenma, like a true soccer maniac). Hence, Tenma asking himself if he did something wrong and existential crisis.

-"We've always been friends!" -Matsukaze Tenma

-Both crying out each other's names. It's not a secret that I saved that as a ringtone.)

All this ranting was useful to tell you a specific thing.

You can't forget of KyouTen so easily. Not when it was part of your childhood. When you kept on drawing, reading, writing about them everyday of your life. And never regret it.

I'm so happy that the fandom, and the KyouTen fandom specifically, is still intact. Even more, it's GROWING. Thanks to Ares, to Hino's continuous work and love for this series, we still have ways to remember of the boys, we hope to watch them one last time.

(Let's be honest, I don't think I'm the only one that, after knowing about the multiple universe that is Ares, started thinking about the cast of Go making an appearance, at least in the future.)

Back to the original topic.

KyouTen is what brought a lot of people together. Even non shippers acknowledge their relationship. Is THAT powerful, that truthful, that pure, that honest, genuine, that makes people look up to them at least one time. They make people curious about them.

I've already said this, but kyouten are SOULMATES. There's no other way to describe them.

(And they have an unofficial child. Yeah, I didn't forget about you, Kyouma.)

I think it's time to end this post. For those you have read this all through the end, thank you for being with me and I hope I've made you resurface some of the lost precious memories you had with Kyousuke and Tenma. I hope I didn't bored you and made this a good 15 minutes reading.

To make this a little interesting, and because I AM interested about your opinions, tell me what you think about KyouTen, go in depth if you want!

See you next time!

[byeoltan]

Hi!! Let me say at first how much I appreciate you, your blog is my favourite one!! Thank you for keeping it interesting and diverse! I have a question. Do you by any chance understand what bts comeback concept has to do with words 'love yourself'?? I got that album is about falling in love, being special for someone and unique moments in one's life etc. But i still can't get why they imply that the concept is about loving one's self if this issue barely was touched upon? Am i missing on smth?

but it was written in every breath they took in producing the album bby TT 

their comeback stage showed it all, they could’ve started with intro: serendipity, but no, they straight up went with ‘i need u’ the song that took them to where they are now. they mentioned how everyone cried so much when they had their very first win with i need u, especially jimin. it was in i need u that they realized they might just.. have made it, a step further. if you’ve been with them for a while, you’d know how dirty bangtan and army were treated, like really we were dissed left and right it was really a tough situation especially for k-armys they can’t even be proud of our boys or even mention their names in articles without getting ridiculed just cos they’re not ‘big’ TT and even when we had our first win, bangtan still get called out for ridiculous reasons that’s just. the fact that they made their comeback with i need u shows just how much they treasure the moment the fans that made it possible at that time, i need u was the breakthrough, i need u made them realize that they can actually be… happy now, and move forward. and maybe love themselves more, and performing mic drop afterwards shows exactly that :)

honestly love yourself album is in every sense, calls you to love yourself, if not, more, even when you don’t think you can, just look at the lyrics

just let me love yousince the time the universe was first formedeverything has been decidedjust let me love you–intro: serendipity

and when they say

don’t worry, lovebecause all of this is isn’t a coincidence(even when) we are totally different, babybecause (of that still) destiny is found in the two of ussince the day the universe came into existence, it has continuously been soand transcending for infinite centuries, it will continuously be sofrom our past lives too, perhaps, and even the next lives to comebecause we will still be together forever (no matter)–DNA

doesn’t that encourage you to embrace yourself, despite our differences? and

when you say that you love mefeels like i’m treading on the sky/heavenstell me about forever just one more timewhen you say that you love mei, i’ll be fine even if just those wordsthat you would never change, just one more time–best of me

bangtan treasures us so much as they treasure themselves that they wish for our love to never change no matter how bad things might get 

i wonder if it’s a mistake an angel left behindif not that then, a deep kiss?that dimple is illegalbut I want it anyway anyway anyway–보조개 (dimple)

did you know? that dimples are a medical flaw, a genetic defect that is caused by shortened facial muscles, which is why when we smile, the shorten muscle pulls the skin on our face causing a dimple. but somehow in our society, dimples are embraced and carries a mark of beauty and loveliness the contradiction is fascinating how human perception can override facts, and i personally think this is what makes the song more meaningful despite the casual pop tune, because what ever flaw you think you have, might not be a flaw at all. you can chose to hide it by not smiling, but isn’t it lovely when you smile? love yourself.

stopnow stop watching (and) start studying for (your) examsyour parents and your manager/boss they dislike meall those video clips you’ve watched, twitter photos,v app, bon voyage i know they’re so good, what should we dostop. the music video, (i’m saying) interpret (it) lateraren’t there plenty of my photos in your room, anywaywhat is an hour even? a year passes by just like thatthis song is a reward i’m giving (it) to you.good girl/good boy–pied piper

btw 착해 is an expression, a good compliment you usually receive from an elderly person/grown up when if you do well in something, its not sexual guys idk why some ppl imply it is lmao

so when bangtan says this they mean it wholeheartedly like a friend, like an older brother because they know how bad we have it for them, they know how much influence they have on us, as much as we ahve on them. despite scolding us, albeit, in a loving manner, they really want the best for us. unlike the original story where the pied piper drove the children away from the town of hamelin when the town ppl refuse to pay for his service in luring the plague causing rats away, bangtna isn’t set to lure us away, they in fact, want us to go to them, be with them, love with them, but in addition, we have to set our priorities in real life straight, so that, everyone can appreciate our love too, and maybe, the society won’t put much hate on us anymore.

please army remember what we say, love myself, love yourself, i really love you, and thank you

–skit: billboard music awards speech

this says everything hnnggghh

yeah? who said my ‘spoon was dirty’i don’t care, when i grab the mic i own those whole lot of ‘gold spoons’all of a sudden, those that didn’t cook well are in rage, those lot of steaks i’ll chew on y’all over and over again, on the star’s dinner table–mic drop

oh man i need another post dedicated to mic drop there’s so many things to talk about in this 

the thing i earn with hard work, my paygonna spend it all on my tummy all the pennies i collect/count just to waste it all (on my tummy)leave me be, even if i overspendor come tomorrow morning and like a crazy guymy savings, if i cash them all out (leave me be)woo there’s no tomorrowmy future’s been seized for collateral  woo my money’s all further spent friends, wassup?do you want some?–고민보다 Go (rather than worrying, go)

this whole song is satirical critique tbh even the dance choreography pls appreciate them

and then the outro, which reiterates everything about love and sacrifice, about being the best of yourself, about loving yourself first and foremost

the world is a complexwe was lookin’ for lovei am too, just one of those pplhonestly even i didn’t believe in real lovelike a habit i said i want to love, just babbling like thatbut i found myselfthe whole new myselfeven if i’m confused, which am i is the real meme meeting you makes me wonder, aren’t i a book?or is it you, who are the turning pages (of my book)?damn–outro: her

PLEASE LISTEN TO THIS SKIT THERES ENG SUB AND CRY WITH ME HOW ARE THEY SO PUREE THEY WERE REMEMBERING OLD DAYS AND HOW THEY DONT EVEN KNOW WHAT BILLBOARD IS NAD JIMIN HE JIMIN THOUGHT GRAMMY WAS A PERSON’S NAME AJSHD

theres a reason why bangtan made the skit and sea as hidden tracks, you have to undertsand that bangtan has come a longg way. and one of the reasons why they were finally able to get their first win the last time was through purchase of physical copies, which helped tremendously raise the sales. bangtan may be celebrated and loved wordlwide but back in their home ground, they were nobodies, which is why buying physical copy always meant more even (especially for k-fandoms) since you’re willing to go for an extra mile, its part of kfandom culture for fans to invest a lot of time and money for their group supports and projects to help get their fave name out there, sure you can like/listen to other groups but ultimately, hundreds of idols debut eveyr year so in order to make sure your group lasts a long time, korean fans consider it very important to pledge their loyalty to a single group and support them with all you have, this is why it was even harder for karmys because we come from small company :’)

and now that they are getting success tremendously over the past year (BANGTAN’S #7 ON BILLBOARD 200 GUYS PLEASE GIVE YOURSELFVES A PAT WE DID THAT), love yourself is to be quite honest, an album dedicated to armys all round, and those two tracks are just a little bit more intimate, and more on a personal level, which is why it was hidden from the rest of the world, i’d like to think that the reason they kept it hidden in a physical copy because they know for certain that only their fans would purchase a physical copy, and that they want us to be the first ppl to hear it, to listen to their laments, their grieves, their happiness, their love, they just wanna them share with us first and foremost, because they know only we would get it, because we’ve been there

in the end the mirage is caught andit becomes reality, andthe desert i was once afraidbecame the sea with our blood, sweat, and tearsbut then amongst all this happiness,what are these fears?because this place is originally a desert, we know this too well–sea

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Hey - Pat from StarterStory.com here with another interview.Today's interview is with David Zamarin of DetraPel, a brand that sells nanotechnology repellent coating.Some stats:Product: Nanotechnology repellent coating.Revenue/mo: $42,600Started: August 2013Location: BostonFounders: 1Employees: 7Hello! Who are you and what business did you start?Hey, I’m David Zamarin. I’m 21 years-old, a student at Babson College and founder of DetraPel.At DetraPel we know that life can get messy, and we want to help. That is why we manufacture and distribute powerful, planet-friendly, cancer-free protective coatings designed for use on all your favorite fabric and leather belongings.Using innovative nanotechnology, DetraPel liquid repellent sprays create completely harmless, invisible barriers that protect your items from damage caused by water, other liquids and even food!You could say we’re in the business of protection, which is why we stand by our slogan Protect What You Love. This phrase to us means so much more than protecting the stuff you own. Unlike many of our competitors, we deliver climate conscious products, that contain no cancer-causing fluorochemicals (like PFAS) and deliver state-of-the-art packaging that contains zero harmful propellants.This way you can protect the things you love, while protecting the people, pets and planet you love too! The greatest part is that everyone can use DetraPel on just about anything. The benefits and surfaces are endless based on the technology. Whether you want to protect your white carpet from wine stains, your brand new shoes from getting dirty outside, or your car seats from accidental coffee spills, DetraPel has got you covered.Since starting DetraPel over 5 years ago when I was 15 years old, the versatility and eco-friendliness of our products are just two of the many factors which I believe enabled us to make over $512,000 in sales in the last year.What's your backstory and how did you come up with the idea?The DetraPel idea started for me when I was in high school, but I had my entrepreneurial itch even earlier than that.Growing up in Philadelphia with divorced immigrant parents taught me a lot of what I needed to know to get to where I am today. I grew up watching my mother hustling daily to provide me with the best possible life.I learned very early on that success meant hard work and sacrifice. So at an early age I started dabbling in different business ideas which included selling popular headphones and watches.Luckily, for high school I was accepted into one of the best public schools in the country. As a present from my grandparents I received $200, which I used to buy 2 brand new pairs of Jordan shoes.Not having owned anything like that before, I was desperate to keep them clean. I wished then that I could create a spray to protect the shoes that I could peel off whenever they got dirty. But I wasn’t a chemical engineer, I was a freshman in high school so I had to pivot my idea and started a shoe cleaning business. This required me to swallow my pride because I was a kid who didn't want to clean shoes for a living.Nevertheless, I went out and I worked HARD, and the next thing I knew I was cleaning shoes for all the local university sports teams in Philadelphia. This business ran for 4 months and we generated $25,000/month in revenue. I was ecstatic. After just 4 months I was given an offer to sell for $150,000. The decision was easy. I sold my first business and invested all of the money into starting DetraPel.The idea for DetraPel started from the conditioning service we were offering with my shoe cleaning business. I was using a competitor’s product, which I later found out was extremely carcinogenic, caused birth defects, dried white and ruined fabric. On top of that it was extremely expensive.It was a blessing in disguise that the product was back ordered for over 4 months, which is what drove me to sell the shoe cleaning business because I knew the only scalable part was the conditioning service.Take us through the process of designing, prototyping, and manufacturing your first product.As you can imagine, developing the first line of DetraPel repellents was a huge challenge for a 15-yr-old with no chemistry background.PrototypingLuckily, I’ve always been driven no matter how daunting a project I’ve set for myself has been. When I was a freshman in high school, I got really interested in nanotechnology. I began researching it profusely and became fascinated by it as a potential basis for a stain repellent formula.Being resourceful, I reached out to the brand new Singh Center for Nanotechnology at the University of Pennsylvania where I met a leading researcher in the space. I was concerned that the University of Pennsylvania would own the intellectual property so I reached out to a friend who has a PhD from Drexel University.Through him I was able to acquire access to the labs and lab equipment I needed and then I spent my entire summer working on a formula. When I finally created one I was happy with I hired a manufacturer.The manufacturer added a 1-2% proprietary part that was crucial to the product we were trying to sell. Unfortunately, 8 months down the line they went bankrupt and refused to disclose the 2% proprietary ingredient. This was a huge setback for my company which was just preparing to sell product.First Prototype Design for DetraPel Fabric & Leather Protector (2oz)I had to go on a long hiatus to try to reengineer the formula. Lots of blood, sweat and tears, and 3.5 years later I announced my new formula which had some slight changes but all the efficiency of the first formula and more. Today, we are proud of our new formulas which are 100% manufactured in-house and 100% sourced and manufactured in the United States.PackagingThe next phase of developing our product was deciding on the packaging. The flagship product launched and is currently still being sold in a 2 oz pump spray plastic bottle.Over the last year we’ve realized that there are many disadvantages to the existing packaging as it is small and can be frustrating in the application process. Determined to make the customer experience better, I was long on the hunt for a new type of packaging.From an application perspective, I realized that an aerosol bottle would permit a consistent and effortless application. However, I have a major problem with aerosols. The harmful propellants in aerosol bottles completely contradict my mission to produce non-toxic and planet-conscious products.Luckily, in 2018 I found a solution to this problem. We partnered with a planet-friendly aerosol that is powered purely by air and contains zero propellants. We are excited to be releasing our new packaging this month for an enhanced customer experience.Two out of the many new products we will be launching this February, 2019.Describe the process of launching the business.Since I started so young, from the beginning I was limited with capital.I invested most of my money to the R&D so I at times had to be resourceful or cut corners when getting label designs, using credit cards, and asking for help from friends and others. I was forced to learn how to code, develop websites, use Photoshop, Illustrator and although the quality of the work was not the best, it helped me learn the languages so I could talk to future employees or partners.I also was always a big fan of accelerator programs. To this day, I participate in 1-2 accelerator programs every year, because I do not believe you can ever stop learning or meeting new people. Accelerator programs give you access to knowledge, expertise, mentorship, and people who are willing to pay it forward with what they have learned from their previous experiences.Overall, I learned that you must do whatever it takes to start and maintain a running business especially if you have capital constraints. If you are a student, take advantage of that. If you are someone just transitioning from working a corporate job, don’t be afraid to take risks and recognize that a startup is like 2-3 full-time jobs, so you must put in the work and treat it like that.Since launch, what has worked to attract and retain customers?One of our biggest successes to date has been our appearance on Shark Tank last January. Shark Tank has a national audience of about 10 million people.Our appearance on Shark Tank.This type of exposure was invaluable to our brand and allowed us to acquire thousands of recurring customers overnight. Of course an opportunity like this is hard to come by as there is an average of 45,000 applicants each year.What we learned from our experience on Shark Tank, is that any type of press can be a good catalyst to get the ball rolling and allows for excellent brand exposure. That said, you cannot solely rely on one big break to continue to attract and retain customers.The process of actually attaining and retaining customers is hard work. Digital marketing is insanely competitive and can get very expensive. At this time we spend money on Facebook, Instagram and Google ads, but we’ve chosen to double down on the methods that gave us the best ROI. For example, we know that it typically takes a few months before seeing growth from paid digital. Instead, we have spent our time on SEO which yields the highest return along with remarketing. At the beginning, it is important allocate a budget where you can test several methods and see which yields the best return.One method that consistently brings in sales is our email marketing campaigns. Sending regular monthly emails to our subscribers always guarantees a spike in sales on our website, thus it’s very important for us to do this on a consistent basis (not to mention we like reaching out directly to our customers and spoiling them with goodies and promotions). We normally send campaigns once a month, but are aware that it is recommended to do more. We are working on expanding our team to do this. Each new customer that purchases from us is automatically added to our email list, and conversion from there is typically high since the customers are repeat customers.In 2019, one of our goals is to continue to increase brand exposure and to get our product directly in front of our consumers through retail shelves. We have been investigating and are in talks with several trade shows this year and look forward to interacting with potential consumers and getting instant feedback from our direct target markets.Another useful tactic for us has been increasing our sales channels. Our direct website continues to be the source of most of our orders, but being available to consumers through other channels like Amazon, Zulily, The Grommet and Groupon has proven to be effective as well.For the same reason we will be looking to get into some major retailers in the coming year as well in order to increase brand visibility and help us approach large B2B clients to do partnerships.How are you doing today and what does the future look like?Today as a company, we’re busier and happier than ever. This last year has been one full of growth and new developments.We went from a 3 person team to a 9 person team, from a 4,000 square foot facility to a 12,000 square foot facility, brought all of our manufacturing and development in house, and even landed a deal with Mark Cuban and Lori Greiner on Shark Tank. Though it’s been a whirlwind of great news, we also have been working hard on brand new developments that we look forward to announcing next month.Some things to look forward to in the upcoming months include developing our new website and launching our new brand and new formula. We are excited to be making the announcement soon about these developments and more.Similarly to our current distribution models which helped us be profitable in 2018, we will be selling direct to the consumer through online channels like our website and e-retailers.We also plan on launching a comprehensive retail program in 2019 as we intend on expanding the brand in order to maintain shorter sales cycles and better cash collection cycles than if we were to solely pursue industrial and wholesale deals in the B2B sector.By working on our brand visibility and recognition, we plan to approach large corporations that may be interested in partnering with us or treated their products in advance.By maintaining good margins we are able work on bringing new products to consumers that we will be launching next month and throughout the year so people can safely protect all of their belongings and save themselves time and money.Through starting the business, have you learned anything particularly helpful or advantageous?As a young entrepreneur one of the things that I’ve learned in the past year has been the value of hiring experienced individuals and creating a well rounded team.When I first started out I had a team of hard working peers. Together we hustled and learned a lot through trial and error. However, as the company began to grow rapidly I had to hire more people to join us.I went from hiring primarily college students to building a team of individuals with more work and life experience than the amount of time since I was born. I couldn’t tell you what a difference it has made for the overall benefit of the company to have a diverse team.Individuals from diverse backgrounds offer different talents, skills and experience. This sparks innovation, growth, and allows employees to learn from one another. Young entrepreneurs such as myself who are growing a business might be worried about the costs involved with paying higher salaries for experienced team members, but a salary is a small price to pay for a more productive and cost-effective work environment. Among our management team today I’m proud to have several accomplished individuals who through their expertise add extraordinary merit to our company.What platform/tools do you use for your business?As we primarily function as an e-commerce business at the moment, the most important tool we have is our website.The matter of our website is an interesting one because we’re in the midst of changing our platform at the moment. Currently we’ve been using Wix to host our website which we have noticed has several pros and cons.Though our company really enjoys the design aspects of Wix and the ease with which we can make updates and changes to our website, we have realized how much it is hurting us from an SEO perspective and through lack of integration ability. Next month we’re excited to be releasing our newly designed website which will be hosted on Wordpress.Increasing SEO and improving efficiency in our office by implementing integrations between various programs such as Wordpress and our accounting software or Wordpress and our shipping software will make day-to-day operations smoother and will save us valuable time too.Other tools and platforms we use include:Shipstation for fulfillmentQuickbooks Desktop for financeMailchimp for email campaignsGoogle for calendar, contacts, and internal emailInstagram, Facebook and Twitter for social mediaYouTube to showcase our videosSlack for internal communicationCloze as our all-encompassing CRM toolSEM Rush as our marketing tool for website demographicsA bunch of plugins for social media marketing and our websiteWhat have been the most influential books, podcasts, or other resources?The Education of Millionaires by Michael Ellsberg is a fantastic book that helped me when I started my entrepreneurial journey by showcasing so many successful entrepreneurs who built their own education systems around their work.Another great book that really shaped how I run my business is Delivering Happiness by Tony Hsieh, the CEO of Zappos. This book teaches you the importance of knowing what and who matters for your business and how to build a meaningful and exceptional culture around that. For me, that was my team.I regularly like to read and listen to a variety of podcasts and books to continue my education.Advice for other entrepreneurs who want to get started or are just starting out?My first rule always is: Get Shit Done. We have a board in our office with 3 mottos written on it:Get Shit DoneSee #1We don’t fail, we learn.Getting shit done is really what separates the entrepreneurs from the “wantrepreneurs”. I have met countless people who have had incredible business ideas and done very little about it. Starting any type of business for the first time is overwhelming and many people fear the unknown. But it isn’t until you can overcome that fear and take risks that you will ultimately stand a chance at being successful.Making mistakes is also a huge part of the journey and you’ll never stop making them, but each one is a learning opportunity. You can imagine that when I became a teenage entrepreneur I didn’t know anything I needed to know about business, and I’m still nowhere close. But not dwelling on my mistakes and learning from them allows me to be more and more efficient and effective each day. It’s really important to keep moving forward. And yours aren’t the only mistakes you can learn from. I value all of the brilliant expertise and experience I can get from my mentors. Do NOT shy away from help. Chances are there are people out there who have gone through or are going through the same challenges as you are. At some point you have to cut the ego, the more gratitude and humility you show, the more likely people will be willing to support you.Are you looking to hire for certain positions right now?At this point in time we’re looking to hire another chemical engineer who has previous experience with coatings and superhydrophobic films or polymers.We are also looking for a digital marketing expert to join our team full-time. We are always on the lookout for talented sales people who are interested in joining the DetraPel family. Any and all resumes should be sent to info@detrapel.com.Where can we go to learn more?Website: www.detrapel.comEmail: info@detrapel.comIf you have any questions or comments, drop a comment below!Liked this text interview? Check out the full interview with photos, tools, books, and other data.Interested in sharing your own story? Send me a PM