#just realized i was removed from my work groupme

[myownprivatcidaho]

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[basil223]

Queer Girl Rambles pt.1

(If you don’t like long stories that could be said in only a few sentences, skip this. It’s a winding road, so either get in the car and drive with me, or skip the party)

I’m a recently self accepted Queer person. I realized I was a homosexual a little over a year ago and it took a bit for me to be comfy with that. And then I decided I’d download the Her app. It was beginning of lockdown (although if you had asked me then I would have said it was mid lockdown, so I guess this qualifier doesn’t really matter), and I, as a socially out, but familial closeted person decided that talking to women on a dating app might give me a chance to spread my little gay wings.

It took about 20 minutes but a girl, let’s call her Hannah, messaged me. She was funny and actually held a conversation, and Hannah made it very very clear that she thought I was beautiful and that had COVID not been a thing, she would have asked me on a date.

I was shocked, delighted, and baffled. A woman? Liked me? I had never felt desirable before then. No one had ever actively pursued my attention before ~at least, in a respectful way~I was excited.

But here’s some things you’ve got to know. I am a college student. I am a college student who struggles with school. I am a college student who struggles with anxiety. I am a college student who’s main goal is to graduate with possible grades and this is her one try main focus. And most importantly I am a college student who is trying their best.

Sounds normal right?

I get busy, everyone does. Over the next week, Hannah and I seemed to be playing phone tag. One of us would respond, and then along while later the other would. Eventually we exchanged Snapchat’s.

Ok. More backstory...at the time I was taking summer classes, which is essentially a 3 month course jammed into a 4-6 week period. I was taking not only Physicsand Physics lab, but I was also taking Calculas. A class I had failed, in a normal term, twice already. My strengths are not in math or science but I had to take these to keep my graduation date from pushing back. For MANY reasons, it was one of the most anxiety ridden summers I’d ever had. But I handled myself. I’d gone to therapy a few years before, and I had some therapist sanctioned coping mechanisms, and some self taught ones. For example. Spoons. You have 20 spoons a day and you can spend them on whatever you like. Some tasks take more spoons than others, but you only get 20. So use them well. At the time, school was about 15 spoons. Staying closeted during a pandemic and social movements in a southern conservative home took up 4. Which left me about one spoon to spend. Most days this was spent laying on the floor with my puppies or attempting to keep in contact with my ride or die friends. Because that’s one of my self taught coping mechanisms, which may not be healthy or not. But when I reach my capacity, I shut out the world. I cannot respond to texts or calls or, anything. And at this point in my life, my friends understand that. If they don’t hear back from me, I don’t HAVE to worry about upsetting them( I mean I still worry but as I said. Anxiety). At the very least I can just text them spoons and they get it. I try to respond as fast as possible but sometimes things get pushed back a few days.

Anyway, back to the story. We had been snap chatting a bit, at least everyday, but it wasn’t the same. I began to notice that Hannah never seemed to talk about herself. I’d ask her questions about herself but I’d get very little information. And she’d quickly turn the convo back to me. And let me tell you. There is only so much of talking about my own life that I can do. I tried using convorsation starters or asking her opinions on things I had never experience but she had, and...still she gave little information and turned it back to me. It was frustrating, but I accepted it. Maybe she wasn’t as good a conversationalist as I first thought. And another thing I noticed was that she never seemed to be able to chat with me first. I was the one who had to initiate it first. One day I decided that I wasn’t going to message first. A few hours go by and I see on her story that she posted a meme about people not texting people. It seemed weird but I thought, no can’t be about me. The next week I tried it again. The meme was way more pointed and most could argue passive aggressive. I called her out on it, and told her if she wanted to talk to me, she didn’t have to wait for me to do it. She agreed said she’d do that. ~stage whispers~ she didn’t.

These passive aggressive story posts would continue for,gosh a half a year now. If I didn’t text her for a stretch there would be a post on her story about it. It got to a point where I wouldn’t open her stories or even Snapchat at all.

In December I got an internship, which is essentially a full time job and it’s expected I take night classes to accommodate this (it’s part of my major so it sounds crazy but I swear it’s normal). I was anxious and it’s been a huge learning curve. Throughout this time, I would off and on respond to her texts, I’d tell her how the internship was going all that jaz. But there would be days where my spoons we spent and most defiantly not on her. Her call out posts increased. My anxiety got real bad and her posts only made things worse. So eventually her messages sat in my inbox, unread, for 3 weeks. I contemplated never opening them. But I felt bad. I opened them and reexplained why I couldn’t answer in a timely mannor, apologized for the unintentional ghosting, and made it very clear that if she wished to continue texting me, that I couldn’t promis a prompt response. She said “don’t worry about it. I get it. Just remember to text me when you’ve got time!”

Last week J hit, and while Im still not comfy with what was going on in my job and life, I was mentally able to make a rare Snapchat story about getting to pick music at work.

I still didn’t have a lot of spoons to answer her, so her comment on my story sat untouched in my inbox till tonight.

Tonight I found the courage to leave a groupme of people I am no longer friends with. And I opened Snapchat to leave our Snapchat groupchat, when I began to think about Hannah. Because there on her story was another call out post. I had just left groupchat a of toxic people and yet here I was clinging to a girl who made me feel so bad about spending my spoons. Who could not, for whatever reason, have an adult behavior about her feelings and what she wanted and needed out of our “friendship”. I decided I’d remove and block her. I don’t need this in my life.

But her unopened messages were still there. I opened them. There on my screen was Hannah’s response to my week old Snapchat about picking music. The gist of the message? “Looks like your not to busy to post on Snapchat”

All my guilt and remorse flew out the window, and Hannah was immediately blocked from my life.

Why did I wait this long to boot her out? I think it’s because she was the first, and so far the only woman to show interest in me. And I was scared that by blocking her, I was giving up my proof of gayness. Her interest made me feel more valid in my identity.

But that’s the thing. My identity is MINE. And it took my first year of Gay to understand what that meant. I am queer. And that is not dependent on if someone of my sex finding me attractive. That is not dependent of somone giving me attention. I will not be giving others the power to hold my identity hostage anymore

[leagueofawesomedudes]

Week 3 Preview

LOAD Week 3 Preview

Sup fellas, Little Digs AKA Dmorale AKA Rookie in the LOAD checking in to give you handsome Germans the first of a 2 week break from the self-proclaimed LOAD Presidente’s weekly previews. Not only must it be refreshing to hear someone else’s voice on the message board, but it also must be refreshing to everyone to see someone else (it’s me... #HumbleBrag) at the top of standings other than Javale McGee…. oh, I mean Sam, the guy who willingly left the GroupMe this week because he couldn’t handle a couple comparisons to Brian Shaw, Robert Perez, John Rocker (post steroids/cocaine use) etc., AKA people who can’t close. It’s ok Sam, at least you understand the simple things in life, such as, when you get blacked out you like to eat at my friends, the restaurant, not one of our friend’s apartments. Also, you understand how our league’s waiver wire works unlike your arch frenemy, Tony Junior… Tony, Tony, Tony, maybe if you would stop focusing on which timezone the waivers run in, or trying to get rid of kickers from the league (Pat Mcafee would be PISSED), maybe you would realize that Eddie Lacy’s fatass was never going to save his career in Seattle (seriously MSESPN came out with an article this week where Lacy openly talked about how ginormous he is and how he can’t handle the pressure), and how the Colts front office is playing their fans into thinking Andrew Luck is coming back this year. You need to relax with all of your wild morning GroupMeideas and get back to training for that marathon, or better yet buying a monthly star wars subscription that delivers to you cool new graphic tees and action figures!! However, you’re currently in second place and have some big things in store for you this season.

Ain’t EZ Bein Breesy (0-2) vs Julio Tones (2-0)

And those big things are starting right here, where Gay Tony will square off against Sir Fucks A Lot this week. Don’t get it twisted though, the only pounding that will be taking place here is Tony jamming his 3 inch dinger (he’s got yuge nuts though) down Solden’s team’s throat. At least something will be getting shot down your throat this week Solden, unlike that one time I forgot to buy you tequila at FWD ;) ANYWAYS, the obvious advantage here is the RBs for Julio Tones, but expect Carr to outscore Brees this week, despite the projections, due to Drew’s significant Home/Road splits. Also, look for Ertz to outscore Gronk due to the Giants being atrocious against Tight Ends, and Robby G having a sore groin after returning from New Orleans. Wait a second... sore groin? After Bourbon Street? Are we sure he isn’t dealing with a Chad like pimple instead? Solden, if there is one redeeming quality here, I think Pryor finally gets his connection down pat with Captain Kirk after facing a leaky Raiders secondary, and Desean to catch a long TD against the suspect Trae Waynes.

Julio Tones > Ain’t Easy Bein Breesy

Hollas Heavy Hitters (1-1) vs G-reg 3rd leg (0-2)

Holla is coming off one of the most impressive and high scoring losses we will see this season, and now he has a chance to rebound against the worst team in the league, allegedly. But hold your horsecocks everyone, and by everyone I mean Javale McGee, I mean Sam. Hollas core players might be dealing with a little hangover after last week and could pose to have a tougher time finding the paint this week than Tj can find his little pecker. New England will likely focus their defensive game plan on taking away Hopkins from his rookie QB, Alshon is going up against a shutdown corner in Janoris Jenkins, Martavis is playing on the road where the Steelers tend to struggle offensively, Delanie will have to deal with the Legion of Boom and Mccoy fucked my mom will be going up against an improved Denver run D that just held Zeke to under 10 yards. Speaking of women abusers, I expect the dude who cold clocks chicks at T-Bell at 2am to be more involved in Bill Lazor’s new offense this week (Bungals featuring thugs? No shit).  Also, look for Cooks to be finally featured in the NE offense with all of the injuries they sustained last week. One thing my favorite snowman can bank on though is IF Jordy plays AND is healthy, look for Rodgers to have a big day back at Lambeau following the SNF let down where both his starting tackles were inactive. I think ya’ll can see where I am going with this, UPSET of the WEEK!

G-reg 3rd leg > Hollas Heavy Hitters

Little Diggs (2-0) vs. The Injured Reserve (1-1)

Your narrator for the week and current team in first place by more than 40 points will be going up against this year’s most unlucky team to date. Casey who lost his first round pick for the year in week 1, had his second round pick’s team realize that a guy with a similar frame to Pauly, is actually way better than their current starter in week 2. With that being said, my team is hotter right now than the previously mentioned Pauly and I don't know if they can be stopped. Our QBs should nearly cancel each other out, but my RBs and TE should provide a significant edge over Casey’s due to the talent/workload/matchup combination mine provide this week. One thing Casey has going for his team are his explosive WRs, but with TyFreak going against Casey Heyward this week and Watkins playing in what might be the worst game of the year on Thursday night, their high scoring games are unlikely to occur this week. Does this have a chance to be a blowout this weekend? Idk, but we should hit up Daher and find out.

Little Diggs > The Injured Reserve

Jon SnOBJs (1-1) vs 2 Gurleys 1 Cup (1-1)

When deciding on what to dub the game of the week it came down to this matchup and the one that is to follow. However, I decided to take the easy route out by settling and simply calling this the BEEF of the Week. Things started quickly this week, when the guy who he views himself as the most alpha person in Cleveland (allegedly) called Sam out for not being able to close (allegedly). Things really snowballed from there when me, Solden, Pauly and Tony all joined in on the fun (allegedly) causing Sam to remove himself from the GroupMe because he couldn’t handle the heat (allegedly). The football guy move would’ve been to hold down the trenches and clap back at everyone. Well, that’s not what he did, but here’s his chance to get back at everyone. Chad’s WRs are either banged up or not in the most ideal spot, unlike Sam’s who are in awesome situations this week. Sam’s RBs are substantially better than Chad’s and I like Doyle to outproduce Hooper this week. I think if Chad is to pull this one out, like he did with Basset, then he needs Cam to absolutely shred the Saint’s swiss cheese defense, which is entirely possible, but without Greg Olsen’s third leg providing Cam a safety blanket it might be tougher than usual. Pickle shot Jameo is in for a tough bout against the Vikes, but let’s see what you got, Sammy. Show us you’re not really Javale McGee and close this pig out.

2 Gurleys 1 Cup > Jon SnOBJs

GAME OF THE WEEK

The Brady Bunch (1-1) vs. Crows before Hoes (1-1)

Tan vs. Grey has all the makings of a shootout starting with the Thursday night game where Doug’s kicker is sure to rack up a bunch of points in the field goal fest that will take place tonight. Seriously, the NFL repeatedly tweeted out this week that “if it’s on, it’s on.” Basically toying with all of us that no matter how shitty of a product they nationally televise, all of us football junkies will still watch. Anyways, this shootout will continue through the 1pm games where Doug’s two sex panthers should finally explode this week against the saints D. Watch out, Doug, Jay Ajayi should steamroll through the Jets D and Pauly already had me call my guy to book it that the Crow will get over 12 fantasy points. Paul’s typical Sunday night consists of laying the hammer down on Bean, however, this Sunday it’s going to be Doug’s tight little b-hole. Cousins, Crabtree and Reed are all poised for big games here. However, I expect this matchup to be determined by the outcome on Monday night. If Old Man Larry can outscore Dez and JJ, Paul will come out victorious. With Patrick Peterson expected to shadow Dez, I think Paul pulls this one out, but where he finishes, that is yet to be determined ;)

Crows before Hoes > The Brady Bunch

That is it for this week fellas. Hope you guys enjoyed. Special shoutout to LOAD Presidente for letting me take over for the week. Next week’s preview will be brought to you by Sir Fucks A Lot Solden. Thanks and good luck to everyone this weekend…. except Casey. Love you all - Dom.