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challengersvschampions · 7 years

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Episode 6 — "People Would Rather Shoot a Sitting Duck" (Molly)

Full quote: People Would Rather Shoot a Sitting Duck Than the Ducks That Are Flying Away

WHY DID THIS HAVE TO HAPPEN TO ME

I didn't do anything to deserve this!!

[12:09:13 AM] Simon (BBHell Prod): Lets list all the things Shadyeef has done this game Round 1: Made an alliance with everyone Made multiple final 2's Made two different majority chats and played both sides Flipped on his alliance literally an hour before tribal instead of making it a 9-1 vote a 5-5 so we go to rocks Round 2: Made Kait cry Promised we would have a unified tribe and that the vote would be 8-1 (haha silly me) Throws a hinky vote at Molly Round 3: I think immunity but tbh he was always ratting into everyones ears and eyes Round 4: Threw MULTIPLE names around Promised his "number one ally" that the vote would be 7-1 Facetimes me to wake me up for tribal just to have it be 4-3-1 after he pulls some shady fucking shit. Have fun working with him long time, Ryan and Adam. I was his "number one" since literally Day One and he just did that shit to me. I'm honestly not going to scramble this round, I know if we lose I'm gone. I'm literally the only champion here so its an easy vote for you guys. Don't trust Shareef he goes out his way to be a shady bitch. [12:09:14 AM] Simon (BBHell Prod): Thank you

God. Okay. So I'm sure other people who know more than me have rehashed specifically what went down in that tribal, so I'm not gonna do all that. But I will say this: I am TOTALLY. SPENT. I feel bad about voting out Kait. I do. It was a game move, and I don't regret it, but I wish it had played out a little differently and I'm sorry that she's mad at me right now. For me, we had to vote out Kait because of her connections and because of how good she is at this game - like, for real. Yesterday before we got to talk to the other people I was all like "let's do it let's go for Kait no regrets" and then after less than ten minutes on call with her, I almost ended up rethinking my entire game just because she's so good at emotionally connecting with people and making them feel like they're safe and like they should trust her unconditionally. And ultimately, that's why we chose to take her out. There was a bit of tension today amidst everyone being gone and trying to figure shit out, because Ryan was pushing hard for Kait and Shareef was hesitant about it (bc of his connections/relationships with people she's close to) and I made the mistake of telling both of them I agreed with them because they really both had valid points and I didn't think I should be the one to make that decision, but then they started arguing about it in the alliance chat and both of them were messaging me at the same time asking me to back them up and I was like THIS IS TOO MUCH FOR ME PLEASE LEAVE ME ALONE. And then I left for five hours hoping they'd get it together and figure out what to do, and I came back to them STILL not deciding and I- Anyways. So we did figure it out and we're all good with each other and this vote more than anything proved to me that Shareef is someone I can trust, at least right now, because he really is loyal to his people and he did stick his neck out in a way that shows a great deal of Moral Fiber and also I just really love him. SO I'm super relieved to be on a tribe with him still :') Does it concern me that I'm the only challenger on this tribe? I'm gonna pretend that's not happening, because yeah. It's concerning. But the last vote proved that tribe lines aren't everything and there's so many possibilities outside of challengers versus champions, and also there are honestly bigger fish to fry than tiny smol Riley over here if we really wanna talk, so I'm gonna try to focus on the positive for now. I'm with Shareef; Carson and Jessy are both here, who he's talked about feeling solid with; and Molly is at least talking to me, which is sort of promising. I apologized to her for what happened with the vote and I told her I'd be open to talking and collaborating if she ever wanted to do that, and she said she'd be interested too, so idk. She's gotta go somewhere, y'know? Anyways I have not had a moment of peace since 6:52 this morning and I'm sweaty as f*ck and I have a paper to write, so I'm gonna take a shower and go the heck to sleep and see what happens in the morning. Carrots and peas.

me after every single tribal council I have attended:

After a nice night of watching Trolls the film with Sam, this bullshit happens. That's not what I thought would go down at tribal, but my gut feeling wasn't too off base for thinking Elliott was in danger. Koro and Yasawa both going to tribal together was the best thing that could've happened, because it saved my two ride-or-dies (Elliott and Riley) from both leaving in the same night. If Shareef didn't flip though, Elliott would've been out. So thanks for being a mess and flipping, Shareef. You probably put an even bigger target on yourself, but you did it for a worthy cause. But Elliott?? What are you doing?? How did you manage to be the ONLY ONE left out of the vote?? Goodness gracious, I mean, pay attention, babe! I know you're personable, you've shown that to me, so show it other people, make some bonds, and figure out what's happening when there's a vote! THEN the Challengers + Shareef didn't think to inform Elliott about the Kait vote, letting him vote Adam, making him look and feel like a fool. They essentially said fuck you, we don't trust you nor care if you leave which is SO STUPID from a game standpoint. Why would you alienate and blindside a potential ally?! I get idol paranoia, but Elliott still has a vote in this game, and you guys (Adam, Riley, Ryan, Shareef) probably just lost his trust. Instead, you gain...Shareef? The guy who has blown up every person's game he touches? Depending on what went down, they could probably spin it like "Oh, we didn't know where your head was at!" But, if I was Elliott, they'd be dead to me. But I'm not Elliott, so if he's feeling that way, I have to somehow get things smoothed out between them all at some point. Otherwise, it's gonna be really tricky for me moving forward, which is aggravating. I can't have all my allies at each other's throats. I'm sort of torn on Kait leaving because I wanted to play with her, yes, but I don't know if we would've worked together, and I don't wanna work against her. Aside from Shareef and his Shareef-isms, I think the "Vs." theme is still going strong for a lot of people. There's some rogues Champion/Challenger pairings here and there (Jakey/Jessy, Callie/Lexi according to Sam), but for the most part, I think people will stick to their original tribe lines. Which is why I'm kinda psyched about this tribe switch. Firstly, I'm off that ugly four-person tribe. Great tribe, I hated being with so few people. Secondly, there's a lone Champion (Simon) that can be targeted if we lose a challenge soon. It's a nice cushion if we happen to lose a challenge down the line. Simon blew up Shareef's game, too, in the tribe chat, so if anyone was thinking of working with him, he screwed that up by showing how volatile of a player he can be. I know this is kind of an out-there theory, but what if Shareef and Simon worked together to boot Kait? Like, they planned for Shareef to flip, Shareef gave Simon an idol in case of a swap (and because he felt he didn't need one), and they blindsided Kait because they knew she was a giant threat towards their games. I'll take off the tin foil hat, but like.......what if? They're both probably too dysfunctional to orchestrate something like that, but it'd be kind of genius if they did.

I absolutely HATE my new tribe. First of all!!! Kait leaving??? Terrible for my game! May as well just start digging my grave now! https://media.giphy.com/media/M8DHFvLMzGSkM/giphy.gif I literally don’t understand how that could have happened but it has Shareef written all over it! REVENGE IS COMING AND HER NAME IS SAM!!!!! I just gotta make it past this tribe first… Let’s do a tribe assessment. Lexi: I tried voting her out and went to rocks in order to get her out. She has not stepped up her game since then and is still super hard to talk to. She said that she can get Callie to vote with us to keep champs in but do I believe her that she’d vote with me? no. Callie: Seems nice but she’s sick right now. She asked to go on call today so hopefully that happens. Ting Ting: Doesn’t talk. Didn’t talk to her on the other tribe either except for a riveting conversation about the temperature of McDonalds french fries. But before we got put into the new tribe chats, Carson said “GET WITH TING” so I think he might have had something going on with her???? Elliott: OMG I DON’T LIKE HIM SO FAR! First of all, he likes yoga and physical activity! DISGUSTING! He was like “OMG! YOURE SAM IM SUCH A FAN OF YOURS” bench please why you lying!? Then I wanted to know what happened at tribal and he’s like I have no idea. SHUT THE FUCK UP you were there you at least know something or the vote breakdown but okay keep those lips shut see how far that gets you not opening up to potential allies about something they can easily find out about later. Anywho I’m gonna try a new strategy and I’m gonna call it “The Maria” inspired by Maria, the runner up of Chiefs Island. What Maria did was not aggressively approach people about the game or strategy talk she just let things happen around her while all her allies got picked off for being bigger threats. Then when she was the last of her OG tribe, the non threats from my tribe went after all the threats and used Maria as a tool to help her and then she found herself at the final tribal council. So I am here to be used to help advance other people. I’ll be happy with whatever I get cause it’s better than what happened to Jenn, Queen Hanaynay and Kait. Oh it’s also Like Kristie from Australian Survivor okay anyways I have chicken nuggets to eat hopefully this isn’t my last confession.

Molly is safe!

Qamea losing sucks because I like everyone there except Lexi and Lexi will probably stay because life hates me

Lol so they voted Kait out and I’m like literally over it. Why don’t we just cancel the season laid ease! I’m so annoyed because I wanted to just be on a tribe with Kait so we could play together for the first time. Anyways to top it all off, after losing an ally… they do a tribe swap. A TRIBE SWAP??!?!?!?! Does it look like I want to mingle with new people? Cause I sure don’t. [2017-07-26, 9:55:29 PM] Callie ♡: Elliott is so sketchy and leaks anything you tell him. Ting never speaks to me. And idk Sam but she's intimidating. [2017-07-26, 2:37:59 PM] jakey: are they going to one tribal? [2017-07-26, 2:38:02 PM] jakey: like the game changers twist thing He really did clock that twist huh. [2017-07-26, 10:13:23 PM] Callie ♡: This is literally so sad [2017-07-26, 10:13:29 PM] Callie ♡: Likeeeeeeee.............. [2017-07-26, 10:13:43 PM] Callie ♡: Why would y'all do that ugly ass tribal from gc [2017-07-26, 10:46:56 PM] Callie ♡: http://snackingandsnarking.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/07/Hamster-hood2.jpg [2017-07-26, 11:01:46 PM] Callie ♡: whats the fucking point.gif [2017-07-26, 11:01:52 PM] Callie ♡: I JUST WANTED TO PLAY WITH KAIT FOR ONCE [2017-07-26, 11:02:09 PM] mj ultra . _/: should've gone to tribal [2017-07-26, 11:02:18 PM] Callie ♡: i literally got 0 points [2017-07-26, 11:02:21 PM] Callie ♡: its not my fault [2017-07-26, 11:02:23 PM] mj ultra . _/: JAKSHDFHLFJD;SK [2017-07-26, 9:54:21 PM] Elliott: I have never been further removed from the loop than I was just now [2017-07-26, 9:54:27 PM] Elliott: IN MY LIFE [2017-07-26, 9:54:46 PM] Elliott: Kait got BLINDSIDED [2017-07-26, 9:55:11 PM] Elliott: everyone told me to vote adam and then I was the only person that did [2017-07-26, 9:55:23 PM] Elliott: i'm shaking [2017-07-26, 9:55:56 PM] Callie ♡: WHAT SGKSH [2017-07-26, 9:56:23 PM] Callie ♡: So it was like what 6-2? [2017-07-26, 9:58:03 PM] Elliott: 4-3-1 [2017-07-26, 9:58:09 PM] Elliott: Kait-Me-Adam Dravuni: Adam Jakey Logan Ryan Simon Adam/Jakey/Ryan/ (Logan?) I think Simon would go if they went to tribal idk. Koro: Carson Jessy Molly Riley Shareef Molly or Riley would probably go I think because I heard that Carson/Jessy/Shareef had an alliance with Lexi (and Simon). So like idk if they’d divert from that (even though Shareef always has a million alliances) cause Jessy and Shareef are close with Jake so they’re probably working together and then Carson would probably work with them because of the old alliance just so he doesn’t go and then I heard something about Shareef having another alliance within the champs but idk if Molly was in it. Qamea: Callie Elliott Lexi Sam Ting Ting Elliott was literally my least fave in our original alliance cause I mean… Alex was predictable and a bad liar and Eddie… I miss you every single day.gif. Elliott was like always sketchy so idk! And then Ting Ting is literally the person who won’t ever talk to me or tell me anything so like…. *mj voice* why would i save her. At least I have Lexi but then again the other 3 can easily just take one of us out :| Sam.. idk but I know she was close with Kait from like some game that I don’t remember the name of. And she’s like super intimidating so nnnnn but idk! I hope we can just win immunity or if not then I guess I’ll prob try and work with Sam. Ideally… Ting Ting is the person I want to go. Cause like? There’s no use for me there. Elliott and I had a second alliance with Riley and Logan so I’m hoping that he trusts me to a degree even tho I jumped ship on alex after Alex ruined his game. Sigh idk! But Elliott ain’t seem to have too much rn so he’s stuck with me! This is what being sick is doing to me: [2017-07-26, 10:00:04 PM] Callie ♡: How was tribal [2017-07-26, 10:00:32 PM] Sam: omg that’s awful feel better <3 [2017-07-26, 10:00:38 PM] Sam: I didn’t go to tribal thankfuly [2017-07-26, 10:01:36 PM] Callie ♡: I'm sry I'm so out of it FJKSHODDKKS [2017-07-26, 10:01:47 PM] Sam: ahhahaa it’s all good [2017-07-27, 12:09:44 AM] mj ultra . _/: jadjkdgshlj;fkds'l [2017-07-27, 12:09:46 AM] mj ultra . _/: I hate yoU SDJFGKSHLJF; SDLKFJDGSKFH [2017-07-27, 12:09:49 AM] mj ultra . _/: How was tribal [2017-07-27, 12:10:00 AM] Callie ♡: them: beat us in immunity [2017-07-27, 12:10:03 AM] mj ultra . _/: KLhjashfgklhfdjsk [2017-07-27, 12:10:28 AM] Callie ♡: where was my second exile? <3 [2017-07-27, 12:11:07 AM] Callie ♡: I HATE THIS UGLY GAME [2017-07-27, 12:11:08 AM] Callie ♡: http://66.media.tumblr.com/30562f3e982cf700a4fc082b23ba6c65/tumblr_inline_ogaqpxxbFf1u0z2hr_500.gif [2017-07-27, 12:11:20 AM] mj ultra . _/: imagine hosting it [2017-07-27, 12:11:23 AM] Callie ♡: KSJHDGAHDKJASHDGAJHSD [2017-07-27, 12:11:28 AM] mj ultra . _/: and having to read ur host chat [2017-07-27, 12:11:35 AM] mj ultra . _/: its like...hell! [2017-07-27, 12:14:38 AM] Callie ♡: [2017-07-27, 12:11:28 AM] mj ultra . _/: and having to read ur host chat [2017-07-27, 12:11:35 AM] mj ultra . _/: its like...hell! u know what… guess ill send in one word confessionals. [2017-07-27, 12:15:09 AM] mj ultra . _/: STOP [2017-07-27, 12:15:09 AM] mj ultra . _/: SLDKJFKHSLDJ;F [2017-07-27, 12:15:10 AM] mj ultra . _/: DO NOT... [2017-07-27, 12:19:44 AM] Callie ♡: wait this doesnt make any sense.. [2017-07-27, 12:19:54 AM] mj ultra . _/: what doesn't [2017-07-27, 12:20:00 AM] Callie ♡: the vote.. I dont get how everyone voted cause i cant work out who voted kait [2017-07-27, 12:21:04 AM] Callie ♡: i thot molly was like in an alliance with kait so idk [2017-07-27, 12:22:38 AM] Callie ♡: cause i mean ryan said he was scared of shareef so i don’t see him aligning with him but idk and i know that ari and kait are friends so like [2017-07-27, 12:22:48 AM] Callie ♡: unless elliott lied about the vote or like someone really flipped that i didn’t think would [2017-07-27, 12:55:54 AM] Callie ♡: adam/shareef/simon/(ryan?) kait/molly/riley elliott idk. im gonna assume elliott is telling the truth cause thats all i have to go off of. and then ……………..idk. ryan riley or molly flipped. but i don’t see molly flipping cause like champs and the alliance. and idk if riley would….. maybe ryan would.. idk. [2017-07-27, 12:56:32 AM] mj ultra . _/: wait, what did Elliott tell you? [2017-07-27, 12:56:52 AM] Callie ♡: that the vote was 4-3-1 and he voted adam by himself [2017-07-27, 12:57:14 AM] Callie ♡: 4 kait 3 elliott 1 adam [2017-07-27, 12:57:23 AM] mj ultra . _/: oh he idnt tell you who voted whom? [2017-07-27, 12:57:30 AM] Callie ♡: no [2017-07-27, 12:57:34 AM] Callie ♡: but he was like [2017-07-27, 12:57:35 AM] mj ultra . _/: inch resting [2017-07-27, 12:57:36 AM] Callie ♡: acting like [2017-07-27, 12:57:41 AM] Callie ♡: that he was rly far out of the loop [2017-07-27, 12:57:44 AM] Callie ♡: so like ?!?!?!? [2017-07-27, 12:57:49 AM] mj ultra . _/: kait self voted 8 times [2017-07-27, 12:57:56 AM] Callie ♡: i would too [2017-07-27, 12:58:00 AM] mj ultra . _/: ASKLHJFHDGSJFHLJ;DSJFLKSJGSHJ [2017-07-27, 1:03:34 AM] Callie ♡: idk. i don’t get why kait wouldnt just vote shareef when he went against her the first round. [2017-07-27, 1:03:46 AM] Callie ♡: and then she coulda had elliott [2017-07-27, 1:03:47 AM] Callie ♡: but then again it coulda just been a huge setup [2017-07-27, 1:04:13 AM] Callie ♡: u know what i just realized [2017-07-27, 1:04:20 AM] Callie ♡: ting didn’t even go to tribal... [2017-07-27, 1:04:21 AM] mj ultra . _/: L;AKHJGKSLKHFJSKD [2017-07-27, 1:04:23 AM] Callie ♡: IM FUUKIGN LOSING IT ^ what being sick is doing to me part 2 v [2017-07-26, 9:58:10 PM] Callie ♡: What happened with the tribal [2017-07-26, 10:00:05 PM] Ting Ting Shi: that's the same question i have lol [2017-07-26, 10:00:11 PM] Ting Ting Shi: like how? [2017-07-26, 10:00:27 PM] Callie ♡: FKFAJKGSHOFDOP [2017-07-26, 10:02:08 PM] Ting Ting Shi: i thought that maybe everyone voted for each other [2017-07-26, 10:04:08 PM] Callie ♡: I'm honestly shook [2017-07-26, 10:06:28 PM] Ting Ting Shi: i was like uh how [2017-07-26, 10:06:35 PM] Ting Ting Shi: they literally went around the system like what [2017-07-27, 1:11:40 AM] Callie ♡: so like… ting ting and sam were on the same tribe ………… i wonder if they got close. anyways regardless i think i can MAYBEEEEE get elliott but like.. who rly knows. i just don’t wanna lose cause like.. i think they;d assume the smartest move is to just vote me or lexi out and im honestly sleep. [2017-07-27, 1:11:47 AM] Callie ♡: i had another thought.... [2017-07-27, 1:11:49 AM] Callie ♡: but i lost it [2017-07-27, 1:12:14 AM] Callie ♡: it probably didn’t make sense either.. whatever it was! [2017-07-27, 1:16:15 AM] mj ultra . _/: Extra Votes are actually.... [2017-07-27, 1:16:18 AM] mj ultra . _/: Powerful in this game! [2017-07-27, 1:16:22 AM] mj ultra . _/: bc u can force rocks! [2017-07-27, 1:16:25 AM] mj ultra . _/: instead of just force a tie [2017-07-27, 1:16:28 AM] mj ultra . _/: and then lose the revote [2017-07-27, 1:16:28 AM] Callie ♡: i love a fun time [2017-07-27, 1:16:32 AM] mj ultra . _/: ikr [2017-07-27, 1:16:56 AM] Callie ♡: me x2 lexi elliott sam ting ting 1/3 chance to go in rocks [2017-07-27, 1:17:00 AM] Callie ♡: do i feel lucky? no. [2017-07-27, 1:17:07 AM] Callie ♡: do i care? also no. [2017-07-27, 1:17:35 AM] mj ultra . _/: LKASHJGFHKGLH;JFKS [2017-07-27, 1:17:38 AM] Callie ♡: i had to check just to make sure i didnt forget someone on our tribe [2017-07-27, 1:17:44 AM] mj ultra . _/: jkhghkglh;jklkjkhgjkhl;jk [2017-07-27, 1:24:39 AM] Callie ♡: why does [REDACTED] in this game seem like shareef’s puppet of the season™ [2017-07-27, 1:25:11 AM] mj ultra . _/: IM SCREAMING? [2017-07-27, 1:25:12 AM] mj ultra . _/: SDL;KFKJGSDHLFJSDKFSD [2017-07-27, 1:25:16 AM] mj ultra . _/: L;ZSHKGJKDLH;JFKSD [2017-07-27, 1:25:19 AM] mj ultra . _/: FUUUUUUUUUCK Most of everything below this isn’t relevant but it’s a fun time! [2017-07-27, 1:35:36 AM] Callie ♡: IM SO BORED. [2017-07-27, 1:35:41 AM] Callie ♡: WHY IS THE TRIBE ASLEEP [2017-07-27, 1:35:45 AM] Callie ♡: I MISS JAKE AND JESSY [2017-07-27, 1:36:26 AM] connor: go to sleep mayhaps [2017-07-27, 1:36:32 AM] Callie ♡: ......... [2017-07-27, 1:36:40 AM] Callie ♡: its 1:30;... [2017-07-27, 1:37:04 AM] Callie ♡: i can’t wait until like i r&r myself. like im literally getting to the point where im getting less and less sleeep [2017-07-27, 1:37:06 AM] Callie ♡: DJIUAGYSDHJKALSJAHDHSK [2017-07-27, 1:37:21 AM] Callie ♡: cmon…. crackhead! [2017-07-27, 1:38:11 AM] connor: JFBDJNDJD [2017-07-27, 1:38:29 AM] mj ultra . _/: On 2017-07-27, at 1:35 AM, Callie ♡ wrote: > I MISS JAKE AND JESSY Havent read confs. [2017-07-27, 1:38:30 AM] mj ultra . _/: so . [2017-07-27, 1:38:34 AM] mj ultra . _/: let me ask u a q. [2017-07-27, 1:38:38 AM] mj ultra . _/: did qamea. [2017-07-27, 1:38:43 AM] mj ultra . _/: discuss perhaps working together? [2017-07-27, 1:38:55 AM] mj ultra . _/: or were u just like..........one of them can choke if we go to tribal! (selfie) [2017-07-27, 1:42:04 AM] Callie ♡: jake told lexi that they wanted to go forward together like idr i think said he felt good with us and shareef [2017-07-27, 1:42:20 AM] Callie ♡: me: will vote shareef out :/ [2017-07-27, 1:42:26 AM] Callie ♡: oop! [2017-07-27, 1:43:01 AM] Callie ♡: adam/jake/jessy/shareef like……… idk why he thinks i wanna be in that group at the bottom [2017-07-27, 1:43:51 AM] mj ultra . _/: interesting [2017-07-27, 1:45:16 AM] Callie ♡: im gonna send lexi a screenshot and then tell her to expose me so i don’t have to be here anymore. rachelle_crying.gif [2017-07-27, 1:45:22 AM] mj ultra . _/: ;LAJKSHHFGJLJD;SKFJSDFHLJS;K https://prnt.sc/g1cttb So yeah someone (probably Shareef) set up the split. [2017-07-27, 2:53:40 AM] mj ultra . _/: Just made an executive decision. [2017-07-27, 2:53:57 AM] mj ultra . _/: Not going to sleep until 8-9, maybe 10pm tonight. [2017-07-27, 2:54:07 AM] mj ultra . _/: Cause I just can't handle it anymore!!!!!!! [2017-07-27, 2:54:27 AM] Callie ♡: i thot u were about to tell me u removed me from the game [2017-07-26, 10:17:01 PM] mj ultra . _/: ALL MAP GUESSES HAVE BEEN RESET. CHAMPIONS GUESS ON THE ORIGINAL YASAWA MAP. ALL CHALLENGERS GUESS WITH THE ORIGINAL DRAVUNI MAP [2017-07-27, 2:58:03 AM] Callie ♡: ur rigging btw. now lexi and i can’t pool our guesses I am so sleep deprived so why not greet my tribe like I just woke up and not like I haven’t slept! [2017-07-27, 2:58:34 AM] Callie ♡: good morning everyone! (sun) [2017-07-27, 3:40:16 AM] Callie ♡: im like.. . . .. . .. .. … . .in the midst of a meltdown [2017-07-27, 3:40:23 AM] Callie ♡: i probably should go to sleep [2017-07-27, 3:40:45 AM] mj ultra . _/: LKAJSFKSHDJ [2017-07-27, 3:40:53 AM] mj ultra . _/: start melting down [2017-07-27, 3:41:08 AM] Callie ♡: time to call the tribe chat! [2017-07-27, 3:41:34 AM] mj ultra . _/: LASFDSKJGLHSKGFDH [2017-07-27, 3:41:35 AM] mj ultra . _/: Call 9 seconds [2017-07-27, 3:41:46 AM] mj ultra . _/: wtf [2017-07-27, 3:41:47 AM] mj ultra . _/: my bad [2017-07-27, 3:04:07 AM] Callie ♡: Callie ♡ added kait ~~/ to this conversation [2017-07-27, 3:04:10 AM] Callie ♡: omg we love guests! [2017-07-27, 3:04:24 AM] mj ultra . _/: "Good morning everyone" [2017-07-27, 3:04:26 AM] mj ultra . _/: Screaming. [2017-07-27, 3:04:31 AM] Callie ♡: im losing it. [2017-07-27, 3:08:27 AM] Callie ♡: Callie ♡ has renamed this conversation to “Kait - Host Chat [REDACTED]” [2017-07-27, 3:09:05 AM] Callie ♡: i’m a host now so u can lmk what happened <3 [2017-07-27, 3:09:39 AM] mj ultra . _/: LSHDKDJDJDJDHD [2017-07-27, 3:17:34 AM] Callie ♡: On 2017-07-27, at 3:13 AM, connor wrote: > gotta go [2017-07-27, 3:17:47 AM] Callie ♡: Callie ♡ added Teddy, Karen :~), jason to this conversation [2017-07-27, 3:17:54 AM] mj ultra . _/: I JUST SOAT [2017-07-27, 3:17:56 AM] Callie ♡: https://68.media.tumblr.com/c9b69a01c2c1c16759d83c415a2bfd02/tumblr_oc3cjkp6Sv1v9bduuo4_r2_400.gif [2017-07-27, 3:18:03 AM] mj ultra . _/: ITS ENOUGH NOW. ITS ENOUGH [2017-07-27, 3:21:13 AM] Callie ♡: Callie ♡ added Masen to this conversation [2017-07-27, 3:21:15 AM] Callie ♡: omg hey! [2017-07-27, 3:23:46 AM] Callie ♡: i wish i had hlc added [2017-07-27, 3:24:13 AM] mj ultra . _/: I would literally kick you out of the season [2017-07-27, 3:24:17 AM] mj ultra . _/: "That's the plan bih!" [2017-07-27, 3:24:19 AM] Callie ♡: omg finally <3 [2017-07-27, 3:24:27 AM] Callie ♡: KJSDHASJKDALSH [2017-07-27, 3:24:47 AM] Callie ♡: i literally kicked u out of the tribe chat twice and thats all it takes….. adding her... [2017-07-27, 3:39:51 AM] Callie ♡: is there a shortcut to add all ur contacts [2017-07-27, 3:40:39 AM] mj ultra . _/: KLADSJFKDHLSFJ;K [2017-07-27, 3:40:40 AM] mj ultra . _/: do not [2017-07-27, 3:43:28 AM] Callie ♡: mixed signals [2017-07-27, 4:28:25 AM] Masen: GL don't get voted out! [2017-07-27, 4:28:37 AM] mj ultra . _/: gjkdsfl;jdks [2017-07-27, 4:28:45 AM] Callie ♡: thats so rude. [2017-07-27, 4:28:53 AM] Callie ♡: ive literally been trying to get removed [2017-07-27, 4:29:09 AM] mj ultra . _/: 2bad so sad! [2017-07-27, 5:12:44 AM] Teddy: Hi winner [2017-07-27, 5:12:57 AM] Teddy: If you get voted out, I'm leaving the vl [2017-07-27, 5:13:09 AM] Callie ♡: LKSJHGHDASJHKDA so u leaving in 2 days? [2017-07-27, 5:13:17 AM] mj ultra . _/: Imagine being in the VL. can't relate [2017-07-27, 5:13:25 AM] Callie ♡: sis ur hostin [2017-07-27, 5:13:30 AM] mj ultra . _/: And [2017-07-27, 5:13:35 AM] mj ultra . _/: Not in that BIH! [2017-07-27, 5:13:45 AM] mj ultra . _/: Too many ugly opinions [2017-07-27, 5:13:47 AM] mj ultra . _/: Everyone's like [2017-07-27, 5:13:51 AM] mj ultra . _/: "Go callie" [2017-07-27, 5:13:54 AM] mj ultra . _/: I had to get out. [2017-07-27, 5:14:05 AM] Callie ♡: [2017-07-27, 4:32:30 AM] mj ultra . _/: cmon delusions [2017-07-27, 5:14:16 AM] mj ultra . _/: KDHDKDHDJD [2017-07-27, 5:20:23 AM] Callie ♡: Callie ♡ has renamed this conversation to “Callie - Host Chat [REDACTED] - Medevaced” [2017-07-27, 5:20:33 AM] mj ultra . _/: pick a name and stick w it [2017-07-27, 5:22:24 AM] mj ultra . _/: my eyes starting to burn. [2017-07-27, 5:22:28 AM] Callie ♡: same.. [2017-07-27, 5:22:30 AM] mj ultra . _/: I'm over [2017-07-27, 5:22:40 AM] Callie ♡: lets both walk from the game [2017-07-27, 5:22:53 AM] mj ultra . _/: together? [2017-07-27, 5:22:54 AM] mj ultra . _/: together. [2017-07-27, 5:22:57 AM] Callie ♡: KLAJSDHGAHKJDKASK [2017-07-27, 5:23:03 AM] Teddy: I'm coming to visit Callie during the family visit [2017-07-27, 5:23:08 AM] Callie ♡: :o [2017-07-27, 5:23:18 AM] Callie ♡: im not gonna make it lbr [2017-07-27, 5:23:21 AM] mj ultra . _/: right [2017-07-27, 5:23:27 AM] mj ultra . _/: ill have to make the fam visit this round [2017-07-27, 5:23:30 AM] Callie ♡: its after day 30 [2017-07-27, 5:23:32 AM] Callie ♡: :/ [2017-07-27, 5:23:35 AM] mj ultra . _/: ctfu [2017-07-27, 5:23:36 AM] mj ultra . _/: SKDLHJGFHLDS;J [2017-07-27, 5:23:36 AM] Callie ♡: BYE SAKLJKHJGDAKSLDAJHSD [2017-07-27, 3:25:57 AM] Callie ♡: connor gonna yell at me whenever he’s not drunk huh [2017-07-27, 3:26:10 AM] mj ultra . _/: Yeah you're over [2017-07-27, 3:26:23 AM] mj ultra . _/: Him: starts yelling at me Me: I told her not to.. [2017-07-27, 3:26:29 AM] Callie ♡: BYE. [2017-07-27, 3:26:33 AM] mj ultra . _/: Me actually: laughed every time u added a new person

we did it! and not only did we do it, we did THAT. You know I genuinely liked talking to Kait, I considered her a hunty, but you know what, when you come for me, i come back. She didn't write my name down, but the fact that her and her little minions even considered writing my name down was enough for me. I'm not gonna keep someone around in this game who 1) has a lot of control and 2) would flip on me like that. Do i trust Elliot? hell no. He's wrote my name down at least once, if not twice so far. But with elliott, i know i cant trust him for a fact. With Kait, she was straight up lying to my face, up until the end when they decided on Elliott, then she wanted to start messaging me a lot more but by then it was too late. Now at first, everyone just wanted to vote Elliott, until yours truly, brought up the idea about voting out kait. People, especially shareef was scared to because of course he was the flipping vote, so obviously making that big of a flip would put a huge target on his back, which, isnt bad at all for me. If the other side sees him as responsible, then so be it. They'll go after him and ill leave unscathed even though im the one who pushed this big move. Me and Ryan were the only ones who wanted to do it, we had to convince riley and shareef it was better to make this big move while we had the chance than wasting it on elliott, who has no control or influence and can be dealt with any other time. So luckily i made it through tribal AND i still have my idol. And then? as if things couldnt get any better, obviously i thought id be using my idol next round if i went back to my tribe with molly and elliott, 2 of kait's puppets, but we have another tribe swap!! not only that, but on my tribe? It's me, jake, someone i feel i can trust and am working with based on our past history, and then ryan, who just made the biggest blindside of the game so far with me. Logan is here too, we connected a little when the game first started and voted together on the Alex vote, so i think i can work with him going foward. And then who else is left? Simon, the sole champion on a tribe full of hungry challengers. He's been throwing a hissy fit ever since Kait left, so lucky for him we won our first immunity or else his ass wouldve been gone, but truth be told i hope we win the next couple immunities though because simon is only one person. Once we vote out simon, then we'd have to start picking each other off and i dont want that because i want to keep all my numbers as high as possible for whenever we merge.

Ok so Kait leaving? Iconic. And it seems like between her reaction in the tag and Simon's little explosion that the blame is pretty much entirely on Shareef for it. Which is fine with me! Poor guy didn't even want to vote her out and he will probably pay the price on that. Simon did talk about some stuff where Shareef made Kait cry? I hadn't heard about that before...granted its not anything she hasn't done to people before...still not cool though. But this new tribe is great. I'm back with Jakey and Logan my loves. Still with Adam who is also my love. And simon is here too which if we have to go to tribal is an easy vote but if we don't then i think i can try to rebuild trust with him. i tried to amplify his hatred for shareef. if we can keep these champs going wild at each other then i can sit back and let them take each other out.

Diving intervention saved me in the form of a messy ass Shareef. It was brilliant in all honesty though. They got me to throw a vote to prevent the risk of a tie so that they only needed their four votes to do what they wanted. Which kinda exposed that group and their plans for moving forward into the merge so I gotta stop that. Kait's blindside was extra as fuck though, and kinda made them lose my vote in the event that occurs. The Immunity Challenge started and yet again MJ took it upon himself to directly interfere in the game, so that's cool I guess, makes for an interesting twist. I get eliminated cause I forgot how to spell Connor's name mid-spelling. Though I doubt I would have beaten Jakey or Jessy. Time to scramble. I'm slightly less nervous than last Tribal, although Ting is saying my name to people. PS. I was interested in attempting to receive a decent edgic, but the events of the past two rounds have just been so off-putting, that like, I'm just not getting strikes at this point.

youtube

I have been debating over the past 24 hours if I wanted to send this confessional in, and honestly I might delete this later so be prepared for that. I don't like to be vulnerable in front of people, that's something that is very hard for me. But the reason I'm sending this in, is because its important for me to do so.

new tribes new me! nothing of note has really happened other than kait going which idk if thats of note?? crazy shes gone this early but not like its a bad thing for my game. only thing kinda important that happened is shareef talking to me. me/shareef/jessy are back together, and shareef wants me and him to be a duo/final 2 which is like??? ok, i guess? i trust him! shareef told me he got the yasawa idol which UGGHHHHHH he got what i lost and i couldve had that. he told me to get me more on his side but im a rat so i dont really care. he also told me that him and jessy are close, and i had to act SHOCKED, when jessy is on call with shareef every other second and she tells me p much everything he says. also shareef wants me to think hes this "hated figure by everyone" which... ok? i get that youre hated but you acting like you wont beat me isnt cute. everyone views me as this really emotional player which is good for me because... im not an emotional player at all? ill cut anyone to get to the end. shareef wants me on his side because he sees me as an emotional player who wont betray him, but jokes on him because im borderline sociopathic. idk nothing has really happened EXCEPT shareef getting me on his side bc hes paranoid. ill go along with what he says for now, but ill keep one eye open at all times. also, im actually a good game player without jessy? shocking, right? ALSO from kiribati i realized that to win... you actually have to be *gasp* likable! if they like you, they vote you. strategy and comps are just a thing to put on top, but people in tumblr survivor dont like people who win a lot of comps because its thought to just be a way to not play the game which... ok but, perception is reality and i see my faults from kiribati + all stars, and i feel like i have a lot to prove, and im gonna try to prove it!

i have gone to 4 out of 6 possible tribals in this game so far... i literally am so tired of always fucking losing challenges. i cant do things quickly in general so i am sad we lost because my brain froze when i had to send. normally i dont care but it sucks to keep going to tribal especially since i truly love each person on my tribe right now and voting them out and potentially them voting me out is tough for my soul. when we originally got tribe switched i was like lmao im screwed but sam callie and i have an alliance, ting ting is an exo fan like i am so like automatic homies, and i think we could really have had a chance at the challenge if it wasnt for outside reasons like jessy and jake having ninja fingers like wtf fghjds as of now the vote is ting ting and we are trying to get her to vote for elliot but its hard cause callie and sam have all these master plans but the tribe is small like secrets are not really a thing so im fearing that potentially an idol could happen or elliot and ting ting talk and realize we are trying to get them to vote for each other and tHEEN they could vote for me like grrr this is so sad and depressing. i hope i do not go home this tribal :(

also this happened [7/28/17, 4:57:13 PM] Ting Ting Shi: you know what's not interesting [7/28/17, 4:57:16 PM] Ting Ting Shi: tribal [7/28/17, 5:03:31 PM] lexi: Me since I've been at work all day jsjsksks [7/28/17, 5:03:45 PM] lexi: This game is very last minute imo [7/28/17, 5:04:36 PM] Ting Ting Shi: lmao true [7/28/17, 5:04:43 PM] Ting Ting Shi: have you heard anything? [7/28/17, 5:10:12 PM] lexi: Just possibly Elliott before I went to bed last night but very in passing so I'm not sure if that is still the plan at all [7/28/17, 5:15:06 PM] Ting Ting Shi: oh who mentioned elliot? [7/28/17, 5:22:59 PM] lexi: I went into my confessional chat looking for a sign and started praying. Suddenly i heard Elliot's name 3 times. and i might have to actually vote elliot out in the case something weird happens so rip. no one else can afford to throw a vote and its a tough world.

[2017-07-27, 2:05:41 PM] Callie ♡: SOOO LIKE .. . .i finally thought of another voting theory since im like.. “well rested” after 5 hours of sleep. [2017-07-27, 2:08:16 PM] Callie ♡: what if the koro tribe just voted together cause they thought they were gonna go back to the same tribes and so like they didn’t wanna lose anyone. like.. ryan/riley/shareef/simon kait/molly/adam elliott but like idk. cause then why did yasawa not like get elliott and vote someone else. [2017-07-27, 2:08:57 PM] Callie ♡: omg unless they lied and said they’d do elliott [2017-07-27, 2:10:49 PM] Callie ♡: yeah that makes sense cause lexi said elliott told her they were all saying they’d vote him [2017-07-27, 2:11:22 PM] Callie ♡: i just don’t get why ryan/riley would like vote kait out tho. .. [2017-07-27, 2:11:38 PM] Callie ♡: . [2017-07-27, 2:11:46 PM] Callie ♡: u know what. idk! what happened! https://prnt.sc/g1my9g [2017-07-27, 4:44:51 PM] Callie ♡: cmon socio! [2017-07-27, 4:45:04 PM] mj ultra . _/: dskljfgdshlkfskjfdshlfjsklf [2017-07-27, 4:45:05 PM] mj ultra . _/: LKSJFKHLSJD;FKDS https://prnt.sc/g1n18j [2017-07-28, 4:26:39 PM] Callie ♡: can’t believe im voting ting ting out just cause she has the same interests as lexi and im jealous :/ [2017-07-28, 4:26:46 PM] Callie ♡: L;SHJGDJKDJAHSHJ JK!!!!! [2017-07-27, 4:56:48 PM] Callie ♡: i want to like [2017-07-27, 4:56:53 PM] Callie ♡: call sam [2017-07-27, 4:56:55 PM] Callie ♡: but im so [2017-07-27, 4:57:01 PM] Callie ♡: scared im gonna say the wrong thing [2017-07-27, 4:57:46 PM] Callie ♡: but then jessy/jake played with her on a season. and i don’t wanna be like “lol… they’re closer with Shareef and other ppl” and then she goes and tells them that [2017-07-27, 4:59:23 PM] Callie ♡: i just THINK its stupid. that ppl would be willing to align with the group if they are [2017-07-27, 4:59:25 PM] Callie ♡: i feel like she prob has molly [2017-07-27, 4:59:36 PM] Callie ♡: like ofc i like jake/jessy.... [2017-07-27, 4:59:39 PM] Callie ♡: but sweetie. [2017-07-27, 4:59:52 PM] mj ultra . _/: On 2017-07-27, at 4:59 PM, Callie ♡ wrote: > that ppl are like wanting to align with the group [2017-07-27, 4:59:56 PM] mj ultra . _/: "the group" whom? [2017-07-27, 5:00:38 PM] Callie ♡: i just assume jessy/jake/shareef/adam are together [2017-07-27, 5:00:45 PM] Callie ♡: cause they’re all close with jake [2017-07-27, 5:08:26 PM] Callie ♡: apparently all anyone knows about molly is that she works in retail [2017-07-27, 5:08:41 PM] mj ultra . _/: KHJASHFJKHLDSJK [2017-07-27, 5:08:47 PM] mj ultra . _/: if u want tea [2017-07-27, 5:08:49 PM] mj ultra . _/: I got u .. I’m just procrastinating calling Sam at this point.. she’s so intimidating but like I really want to work with her long term so I’m hoping she feels the same and trusts me enough. https://prnt.sc/g17rv8 http://media.tumblr.com/dd9e6b04d2f929499156f2ae8b77e96b/tumblr_inline_mko61kBkqC1qz4rgp.gif [2017-07-27, 7:56:45 PM] mj ultra . _/: Any thoughts on that challenge? [2017-07-27, 7:57:40 PM] Callie ♡: i mean... [2017-07-27, 7:58:02 PM] Callie ♡: the last challenge was typing+trivia. and now its just typing. so like gg jessy! [2017-07-27, 7:58:15 PM] Callie ♡: i already knew we were losing! [2017-07-27, 8:17:48 PM] Callie ♡: anyways. [2017-07-27, 8:17:52 PM] Callie ♡: my thots? [2017-07-27, 8:17:56 PM] Callie ♡: MY THOTS?? ?? ?? ?? [2017-07-27, 8:18:03 PM] Callie ♡: they’re all sketchy. [2017-07-27, 8:18:17 PM] Callie ♡: i can’t wait for them to think this is a chance to take a shot at callexi. [2017-07-27, 8:18:20 PM] Callie ♡: im kms [2017-07-27, 8:18:31 PM] Callie ♡: also why is elliott so…. idk. [2017-07-27, 8:18:40 PM] Callie ♡: [2017-07-27, 8:06:12 PM] Elliott: Ting is with us though no? [2017-07-27, 8:18:44 PM] Callie ♡: bih why would she be? [2017-07-27, 8:18:52 PM] Callie ♡: u talk to her? no. do i talk to her? no. [2017-07-27, 10:33:13 PM] Callie ♡: Anyways need to call elliott tomorrow so i can make him think targeting ting ting is his own idea :/ [2017-07-27, 10:33:24 PM] mj ultra . _/: KJLDJSHFSKHLFJ;SK [2017-07-27, 11:07:00 PM] Callie ♡: i can’t believe simon popped off [2017-07-27, 11:07:40 PM] mj ultra . _/: I was shook [2017-07-27, 11:07:57 PM] Callie ♡: me: wanted to read it also me: didn’t want to miss the next torch thing [2017-07-27, 11:08:08 PM] mj ultra . _/: FKLJGKDFHLJK [2017-07-27, 11:08:45 PM] Callie ♡: when i was the last one left from my tribe… CTFU! I knew we had no chance. [2017-07-27, 11:09:29 PM] Callie ♡: sam also said on call that jakey threw jeopardy cause carson told him that jessy told him to tell jake that she wasnt safe [2017-07-27, 7:37:49 PM] Simon (BBHell Prod): Lets list all the things Shadyeef has done this game Round 1: Made an alliance with everyone Made multiple final 2's Made two different majority chats and played both sides Flipped on his alliance literally an hour before tribal instead of making it a 9-1 vote a 5-5 so we go to rocks Round 2: Made Kait cry Promised we would have a unified tribe and that the vote would be 8-1 (haha silly me) Throws a hinky vote at Molly Round 3: I think immunity but tbh he was always ratting into everyones ears and eyes Round 4: Threw MULTIPLE names around Promised his "number one ally" that the vote would be 7-1 Facetimes me to wake me up for tribal just to have it be 4-3-1 after he pulls some shady fucking shit. Have fun working with him long time, Ryan and Adam. I was his "number one" since literally Day One and he just did that shit to me. I'm honestly not going to scramble this round, I know if we lose I'm gone. I'm literally the only champion here so its an easy vote for you guys. Don't trust Shareef he goes out his way to be a shady bitch. simon SNAPPED and literally all of it checks out too so I mean I’m not shocked cause this is literally what people describe Shareef’s game like. Also the vote was probably Adam/Shareef/Ryan/Riley Kait/Molly/Simon Elliott [2017-07-28, 1:08:45 AM] Callie ♡: On 2017-07-27, at 11:09 PM, Callie ♡ wrote: > sam also said on call that jakey threw jeopardy cause carson told him that jessy told him to tell jake that she wasnt safe AND ANOTHER THING………….. she said that carson heard jake say “we can just vote out alex” [2017-07-28, 1:09:30 AM] Callie ♡: and she said she heard “ryan was running things over there” idk. like she said that logan told her that. [2017-07-28, 1:09:49 AM] Callie ♡: and ryan told me earlier that he had a bad relationship with sam. so like. [2017-07-28, 1:09:57 AM] Callie ♡: idk if shes just reaching with that one or not. [2017-07-28, 1:10:43 AM] Callie ♡: but if jake rly talked to ryan and was like so direct about alex being his target then like they’re probably working together. [2017-07-28, 1:10:56 AM] Callie ♡: aka. jake was aligned with the whole tribe to some extent [2017-07-28, 1:11:00 AM] Callie ♡: ANDDDDD [2017-07-28, 1:11:07 AM] Callie ♡: ryan knew about our alliance possibly. [2017-07-28, 1:11:46 AM] Callie ♡: i mean he also “heard” about the alex/eddie/elliott/me alliance even tho he didn’t directly say our names so anyways. [2017-07-28, 1:43:35 AM] Callie ♡: im so fake. [2017-07-28, 1:43:52 AM] Callie ♡: i just read my convo with jake before the last tribal [2017-07-28, 1:43:55 AM] Callie ♡: [2017-07-26, 2:36:51 PM] jakey: gkjfdhksjh i hope adam is okay [2017-07-26, 2:37:38 PM] Callie ♡: Same... [2017-07-26, 2:37:59 PM] jakey: are they going to one tribal? [2017-07-26, 2:38:00 PM] Callie ♡: But Adam thought that Elliott voted him before so KSHDJDHOJD [2017-07-26, 2:38:02 PM] jakey: like the game changers twist thing [2017-07-26, 2:38:12 PM] Callie ♡: I think it's two tribals [2017-07-26, 2:38:16 PM] jakey: kjhgfdskjhkdfjh [2017-07-26, 2:38:22 PM] jakey: wait did elliott vote adam? [2017-07-26, 2:38:27 PM] Callie ♡: No idea [2017-07-26, 2:38:42 PM] Callie ♡: But like he was closest with Alex so idk [2017-07-26, 2:38:47 PM] jakey: my guess was elliott voted adam and eddie voted ting ting but i feel like ill never know LOL [2017-07-26, 2:38:53 PM] Callie ♡: Fuck [2017-07-26, 2:39:01 PM] jakey: i never asked eddie [2017-07-26, 2:39:09 PM] Callie ♡: Same [2017-07-26, 2:39:19 PM] Callie ♡: The swap happened and then like I forgot [2017-07-26, 2:45:21 PM] jakey: akjlhjkhkjlLJFHJ [2017-07-26, 2:45:21 PM] jakey: me [2017-07-26, 2:45:42 PM] jakey: i feel like elliott is gna work with kait and molly [2017-07-26, 2:45:47 PM] jakey: and theyll keep him safe [2017-07-26, 2:45:48 PM] jakey: but idk [2017-07-26, 2:45:57 PM] Callie ♡: :( [2017-07-26, 2:46:03 PM] jakey: ILL BE SO SAD [2017-07-26, 2:46:09 PM] jakey: our alliance rly would be the biggest flop LMAO [2017-07-26, 2:46:15 PM] Callie ♡: But Elliott also didn't do the challenge like.. [2017-07-26, 2:48:35 PM] jakey: right KFLJKFHJ [2017-07-26, 2:48:40 PM] jakey: like why wouldnt u vote him out [2017-07-28, 1:44:17 AM] Callie ♡: me: bih i hope they do vote adam da fuck [2017-07-26, 2:38:47 PM] jakey: my guess was eddie voted ting ting [2017-07-28, 1:45:33 AM] Callie ♡: https://68.media.tumblr.com/9a37fbce1e1a791e15eaaa91e833e06e/tumblr_op3yywC8iR1v9roxto9_250.gif [2017-07-28, 1:47:27 AM] Callie ♡: also like why does he think it was elliott/eddie and not anyone else. [2017-07-28, 1:47:41 AM] Callie ♡: like is he rly that sure. How could he be? UnLESS. He’s working closely with most of the tribe. Cause I mean Eddie was in our alliance but idk idc [2017-07-28, 12:25:04 PM] Callie ♡: elliott messaged me “hey” at 9 like....... [2017-07-28, 12:25:10 PM] Callie ♡: 9........ [2017-07-28, 12:27:20 PM] Callie ♡: ting ting just messaged me AHHHHHHH HH HH HH H H [2017-07-28, 12:50:50 PM] Callie ♡: They all messaged me back around the same time............. [2017-07-28, 12:57:46 PM] Callie ♡: Have u heard anything about tribal yet fujfjjfdk [2017-07-28, 12:58:25 PM] Elliott: No I haven't. I passed out super early last night :/ [2017-07-28, 12:58:36 PM] Elliott: I also think no one wants to come up with a plan lol [2017-07-28, 1:01:45 PM] Callie ♡: I feel that dhjfshjsthgd [2017-07-28, 1:02:50 PM] Callie ♡: I'm about to start driving. Do u wanna call in like 10 mins or [2017-07-28, 1:04:05 PM] Elliott: I can't really talk cause I have my fake roommate still :/ [2017-07-28, 1:08:37 PM] Callie ♡: Oh rip fhsjjdgj [2017-07-28, 1:12:01 PM] Callie ♡: I can talk and u can type if u want or I can just try and message u when I'm done ig [2017-07-28, 1:13:13 PM] Elliott: messaging after seems like the literal safest option, lol if elliott don’t start to at least try. i s2gggggggggg. Like… I like calling. AND. he deadass just expects me to do all the work and tell him stuff and not give anything back. BYE SIS! [2017-07-28, 1:29:14 PM] Callie ♡: I talked to Lexi and she said ting ting said your name to her [2017-07-28, 1:29:57 PM] Elliott: yikes [2017-07-28, 1:30:01 PM] Elliott: that's worrisome [2017-07-28, 1:35:42 PM] Callie ♡: Cause apparently she's close with jake/adam [2017-07-28, 1:36:26 PM] Elliott: sigh [2017-07-28, 1:36:38 PM] Elliott: that's even more worrisome [2017-07-28, 1:37:42 PM] Callie ♡: But like if you act like you don't know then she can't really do much cause Lexi said she'd vote with us [2017-07-28, 1:39:49 PM] Elliott: yeah, I've kinda felt that there are two camps forming and that Lexi and Sam don't strike me as the type to go with Jakey/Adam [2017-07-28, 1:44:16 PM] Callie ♡: Yeah tbh. Try and talk to Sam and see if she'd be down to vote with us and I'll talk to her too [2017-07-28, 1:45:14 PM] Elliott: she seems willing to work with me, unless of course that's just to make me feel better (which was literally all the last tribal) [2017-07-28, 1:48:04 PM] Callie ♡: AFHDHJGDJ I'm talking to her rn and she wants to vote with us yeah [2017-07-28, 1:48:54 PM] Elliott: Bless [2017-07-28, 2:19:13 PM] Callie ♡: anyways. [2017-07-28, 2:19:16 PM] Callie ♡: hope that worked. [2017-07-28, 2:19:25 PM] Callie ♡: also i hate being the one who directly has to say it. [2017-07-28, 2:19:31 PM] Callie ♡: i need a puppet [2017-07-28, 2:19:49 PM] Callie ♡: i can’t wait for them to all align and vote me out for being sus [2017-07-28, 2:11:37 PM] lex: I told her last night I heard his name in passing [2017-07-28, 2:11:52 PM] lex: But I was at work all day so I am not sure if it's still the vote [2017-07-28, 2:16:37 PM] Sam: She said that you mentioned his name [2017-07-28, 2:16:43 PM] Sam: So I asked what she thought about it [2017-07-28, 2:20:23 PM] lex: She is asking who I heard it from [2017-07-28, 2:20:26 PM] lex: I'm kms [2017-07-28, 2:20:47 PM] Sam: Yikes there's only 5 of us not much room to hide [2017-07-28, 2:21:19 PM] lex: Who wants to be framed [2017-07-28, 2:23:03 PM] Sam: I don't think she wants to vote him [2017-07-28, 2:23:10 PM] Sam: She said he was on her old tribe [2017-07-28, 2:26:14 PM] lex: Well then who tf is she gonna do [2017-07-28, 2:26:37 PM] Sam: Idk! I told her I didn't care as long as her and I were safe oops Why do I gotta do everything around here. Is sam just playing me and working with Ting Ting? Who knows but it’d be stupid. She said Carson told her to work with Ting Ting so zzz. Me to Lexi: [2017-07-28, 2:22:53 PM] Callie ♡: u can say me but she wont believe u cause elliott and i were both aligned with eddie at some point and she thinks we’re close or u can try and divert it and say that he hasn’t been fully present for the last couple of challenges [2017-07-28, 2:23:33 PM] lex: I told her this "I went into my confessional chat looking for a sign and started praying. Suddenly i heard Elliot's name 3 times." IM CTFUUUUUUUULSKJDAKSLDL [2017-07-28, 2:24:31 PM] lex: Imma say you so I don't look like an idiot even more dkdkdkdk [2017-07-28, 2:25:32 PM] lex: I said you kinda said his name cause you like everyone and didn't really know what to do [2017-07-28, 2:26:26 PM] Callie ♡: nnnn [2017-07-28, 2:26:52 PM] Callie ♡: i was gonna call her and tell her that elliott was throwing her name around so she’d just be down to do it but now i cANT AKSJHDA [2017-07-28, 2:34:27 PM] Callie ♡: sad. [2017-07-28, 2:34:50 PM] Callie ♡: i can’t wait for elliott and ting ting to talk and idol me out [2017-07-28, 2:37:00 PM] Callie ♡: its only a tribe of 5 [2017-07-28, 2:37:07 PM] Callie ♡: we shoulda just done tribal at this time [2017-07-28, 2:37:15 PM] Callie ♡: or like last night [2017-07-28, 2:37:20 PM] Callie ♡: theres so much time.. [2017-07-28, 2:37:23 PM] Callie ♡: for no reason.. [2017-07-28, 2:37:28 PM] Callie ♡: whats the fucking point.gif [2017-07-28, 2:39:49 PM] Callie ♡: theres too many passive ppl on this tribe [2017-07-28, 2:39:50 PM] Callie ♡: like. [2017-07-28, 2:39:54 PM] Callie ♡: thats my role. [2017-07-28, 2:40:03 PM] Callie ♡: hide behind ppl and make them target who i want [2017-07-28, 2:40:12 PM] Callie ♡: but NOW.. [2017-07-28, 2:40:15 PM] Callie ♡: i gotta be masen. And be the one to throw names cause everyone’s such a flop. [2017-07-28, 1:36:35 PM] Callie ♡: Ty. Have u heard anything about tribal or any thoughts [2017-07-28, 1:36:51 PM] Ting Ting Shi: nope unfortunately i don't hate anyone lol [2017-07-28, 1:36:53 PM] Ting Ting Shi: wbu [2017-07-28, 1:42:10 PM] Callie ♡: SJFDJJFFJ a mood. That's why I really didn't wanna go zzz [2017-07-28, 1:44:51 PM] Ting Ting Shi: well hopefully we can get it figured out quickly lol [2017-07-28, 2:28:37 PM] Callie ♡: i just wanna keep the tribe strong tbh like i don’t wanna lose again KLSJDHAJKJSL [2017-07-28, 2:35:49 PM] Ting Ting Shi: hey you did an awesome job yesterday [2017-07-28, 2:40:57 PM] Callie ♡: rly sis. [2017-07-28, 2:41:04 PM] Callie ♡: thats all?.gif [2017-07-28, 2:44:55 PM] Callie ♡: if she aint gonna save herself by throwing out a name then gn! [2017-07-28, 2:46:01 PM] Callie ♡: i might call her and give her like a choice or whatever and say so like im thinking elliott but he was on our tribe before so should we do sam instead so she feels like she has a choice. But knowing her she’s gonna be like “lol idk! I love everyone C:” Like I get it. That’s usually me but less sus. It’s just the tribe is so small, like are you really wanting to take the chance to get voted out cause you don’t want to say a name. ZZZ The only names that people wouldn’t want to say are me and lexi like to each other cause well yeah. I’m just over everyone hiding in a 5 person tribe ctfu. [2017-07-28, 4:02:28 PM] Callie ♡: we might need to throw a vote at elliott just in case ting ting votes for one of us instead and uses an idol [2017-07-28, 4:02:37 PM] lex: ok [2017-07-28, 4:03:43 PM] Callie ♡: cause then it’d be 1-1 and then they prob wouldnt wanna go to rocks and we would for each other kLSJHDH so they’d unanimously agree to vote elliott. but thats worse case scenario KSLJDKHK [2017-07-28, 4:05:11 PM] lex: would ting ting really not do that fduhgkjf [2017-07-28, 4:05:19 PM] lex: Ting ting told me she is down for whatever [2017-07-28, 4:06:21 PM] Callie ♡: but sam said that ting ting didn’t seem to want to vote elliott. so like its just a backup thing [2017-07-28, 4:06:26 PM] Callie ♡: cause like better safe than sorry [2017-07-28, 4:11:18 PM] Callie ♡: should we make a group with ting ting to make her feel comfortable KLSJHDGASKDAKLSHDKJ I’m really losing it. Lexi said no so I was going to call and ask Sam if she wanted to but she’s busy so I’m just chilling by myself on this sleep tribe. [2017-07-28, 4:00:27 PM] Callie ♡: hey do u wanna call and talk about tribal [2017-07-28, 4:04:14 PM] Ting Ting Shi: ugh i can’t call sorry! but i’d still love to talk about tribal [2017-07-28, 4:08:01 PM] Callie ♡: okay well idk cause i tried talking to ppl and they seem to want to do elliott cause he didn’t do that one challenge and left and then he’s usually busy while challenges are. but ik that we were all on the same tribe so i was wondering if u wanted to do that or smth else [2017-07-28, 4:09:40 PM] Ting Ting Shi: that’s what lexi told me [2017-07-28, 4:09:53 PM] Ting Ting Shi: i mean i just want an easy tribal especially with these small numbers [2017-07-28, 4:10:52 PM] Callie ♡: same tbh its just sad cause like ik we were all challengers ksaljhd so rip but at least we’d all be like unified i guess [2017-07-28, 4:11:30 PM] Ting Ting Shi: yeah for sure [2017-07-28, 4:11:45 PM] Ting Ting Shi: i mean moving from this vote though do you think we should be wary of the champions? [2017-07-28, 4:12:30 PM] Callie ♡: not rly like they seem to be like wanting to work with whoever she literally never says anything and then expects me to tell her stuff. Like. anyways. Then has the nerve to ask for more info… like bye. Anyways the reason I picked her to go over Elliott is cause Elliott is against Jake/Adam for sure and I don’t know if she is and Elliott didn’t hesitate to tell me what happened at his last tribal and we were in two alliances together so I mean I HOPE he….. trusts me. I asked Sam about it cause I didn’t want her to think I was calling the shots and she said Elliott wouldn’t tell her what happened at his last tribal but she said she was down for whatever. What a shocker! It’s literally all this tribe says. [2017-07-28, 4:20:52 PM] Callie ♡: idk how these ppl can be like.. .. . . [2017-07-28, 4:20:54 PM] Callie ♡: so quiet. [2017-07-28, 4:21:03 PM] Callie ♡: like elliott just agreed to what i said and left. [2017-07-28, 4:21:09 PM] Callie ♡: like how can u be that comfortable. [2017-07-28, 4:21:12 PM] Callie ♡: can’t relate. I’m nervous because there’s 3 different scenarios that could happen but odds are that Sam will stick with us I think cause it’s smart long term and she’s not dumb. [2017-07-28, 4:24:20 PM] Callie ♡: if ting ting actually leaves then that means another challenger is gone. less ppl guessing on the map! [2017-07-28, 4:24:25 PM] Callie ♡: CTFUUASLJKHDGAJK [2017-07-28, 4:25:01 PM] mj ultra . _/: NNNNNNNN [2017-07-28, 4:28:34 PM] Callie ♡: THEYRE LITERALLY ALL AWAY NOW [2017-07-28, 4:28:35 PM] Callie ♡: LIKE. [2017-07-28, 4:28:36 PM] Callie ♡: HOW. [2017-07-28, 4:28:39 PM] Callie ♡: ARE YALL. [2017-07-28, 4:28:41 PM] Callie ♡: SO CALM. [2017-07-28, 4:28:56 PM] Callie ♡: i hope lexi planned my blindside

This was the previous round that I never uploaded: https://youtu.be/Oq-gowJ4leY This is this current round: https://youtu.be/FCHpXJjgTb0

youtube

#confessionals #ididntconsent

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evenifiwantedtwo · 7 years

Text

12.15.17

I was given an assignment by my therapist today to explore why I shut my emotions down when they are intense enough to make me cry in front of other people.

Yesterday I had session with my therapist and it was hard. I had sent her an email the night before telling her I wanted to cry and have a meltdown, but I was tired, so I was going to bed early and avoiding my meltdown. So I told her if she wanted to make me cry during session, I wouldn’t mind it and would actually appreciate it. I’ve never cried in front of her before and I’ve been working with her for over a year and a half. I trust her with my emotions more than I trust anyone else with them. I know that she will keep them safe, protect them, protect me from them, validate them, explore them with me, and not let me get swept away in them while I am with her. I know this and I trust this, just as I know and trust her.

My session yesterday was intense and very emotional. We started off talking about how my body felt, what kinds of emotions I was feeling on the day before session, when I sent her the email about wanting to have a meltdown. I told her I felt very frazzled and I just felt very out of it. She suggested a few words, “unsettled” and “static” and I agreed immediately. I explained that I had had a very busy few days prior, and I was out of my comfort zone for longer than I tend to like to be, which put me out of balance for being mindful of myself and my emotions. We talked about what I was doing the night before, when I sent the email, and I told her I was watching videos on youtube. I had recently found a youtube channel I never was into before, but I was starting to like her and her music. I told her about a song by this youtuber that I had been listening to on repeat, and when I told her about it, she asked to play it. I said we could listen to it, and I could feel a lot of emotion coming up during the song, but I pushed it away and shut it down and tried to bop along to the song to distract. When the song was over, we explored it a bit. What the song meant to me, why I liked the lyrics, why I liked the song itself, etc. I could feel emotions coming up at different times in the conversation, but I always shrugged them away or said “I don’t know” and shut them down inside me. I started to tell her how I had been feeling a little bit more hopeful recently, as I was trying to do well with my meal plan and my mood and I had a new job starting soon, but that that hopefulness went away rather quickly after having a lot of fear and anxiety about failing at this new job and not having any other plans after it. I explained that I wanted to do really well at this job and I was excited about it, but there was a very real possibility that I was going to crash and burn and repeat the cycle of what hapened at my past job. I explained that my hopelessness was turning into suicidal ideation and I was really relying on this job to save me and give me the things I need to really get better, just like I had done for my past job. My therapist told me that I couldn’t care for a little baby while I was restricting the way I am and I agreed with her, and I can’t remember what I said exactly in response to that, but it wasn’t positive and it probably had something to do with hopelessness or suicide or something. I wasn’t looking at my therapist while I said that, or if I was, I looked away after saying it, but she started to say “your life,” and I looked up because her voice cracked as she said “kait”, and she never calls me Kait. Always Kaitlin. She started tearing up and crying as she repeated again, “your life depends on this.” She clapped her hands together gently as someone does when they’re begging someone for something. I immediately said “oh my god stop, I can’t do this” and covered my face with my hand. Every emotion I wanted to get out, was quickly climbing up to the surface, and of course, I shut it down as quickly as it surfaced. She laughed quickly and paused. She said “I’m here at this emotion right now, and I need you to meet me here.” I can’t remember much about the rest of session honestly, just in bits and pieces. I think I tried very hard to dissociate. I remember her explaining how rarely that this happens to her in session with clients. I remember her telling me that the most caring thing she could do for me is not sit back and watch me kill myself and continue this cycle. I remember talking about willfulness and telling her how badly I wish I could do this. I remember her telling me that she won’t sit back while I continue on this path. I remember the words willing and willful and I remember trying to beg her that this was not willfulness. I remember the fear I felt when she brought up willfulness. I remember the chills I felt as we neared the end of session, how the entire room got incredibly cold, and I couldn’t stop shivering. I remember thinking about how badly I wanted to get these emotions out. I remember wanting to sob to her about everything. I remember the intense effort it took to keep everything in. I remember how blank spaced I was, and how I couldn’t look at her anymore.I remember getting into my car and turning the radio up as loud it could go, to drown out everything i was still trying to drown inside of me. I remember getting to traffic light at the end of the parking lot, and crying to myself alone in the car. I remember how angry I was at myself. I remember how badly my self harm urges were. I remember how much I hated myself for not crying in front of her, with her. I remember feeling very spaced out, and disconnected and only feeling hate and anger within and towards myself.

I still feel anger towards myself. I still hate myself. I feel so incredibly guilty and ashamed and embarrassed and disappointed in myself. I am very angry and upset with myself that I brought my therapist to the emotion, and I left her alone there; I didn’t meet her there when she asked, when I was the one who asked in the first place. I am in a state of disbelief that I asked my therapist to make me cry, and she did everything right to make the emotion come up for me. And I couldn’t do it. It was there and I wanted to let it out. There were years and years worth of tears and sobs waiting, right at the edge of myself wanting so badly to escape and see the light of day. I wanted so badly to express with words and tears and sobs and sighs everything I felt and feel. I wanted so badly to let those things out without hurting myself, for a change. I wanted so badly to let those things out and get them out of me, just to get them out of me. I wanted so badly to let someone in and give them the most vulnerable part of myself. I wanted so badly to lose every bit of control I had of my emotions, if that’s what it took to let them out. I wanted to drown in my tears, and not the pain inside of me anymore. I didn’t want to be alone with my pain anymore. My self-destructive behaviors are not enough anymore, and I was tired of it. I was tired. I am still tired. I’ve been tired for a long time now. I wanted it to be over, and I thought this was the first step. I thought allowing myself to cry to my therapist was my first real step towards being free. It was the only one thing I hadn’t tried yet ever, and I had reached a point that I was ready to try. Everything was there: my emotions, my tears, my sobs, and my therapist. I had no excuses, no threats, nothing. I was safe. My therapist was safe. My tears and sobs and emotions were safe. My therapist was with me in the emotion, and she wanted me to meet her there. I wasn’t going to be alone in it. I knew it, and she made sure I knew it. She wasn’t going to judge me, or reject me, or invalidate me, or anything else harmful or threatening. She would’ve sat back and listened. Patiently, and kindly. She would’ve validated everything I said or sobbed. She would’ve possibly made a joke about me finally letting myself cry to make me crack a smile. If I had cried while she cried, she may have continued to cry with me out of relief or whatever. I would’ve apologized through my tears and sobs and I would’ve tried so hard to stop them, I think. I hate the cliche “if I start to cry, I might never stop”. I understand what it means, and I honestly could consider this a possibility as to why I don’t cry in front of others. With my high intensity of emotions, it takes hours for me to calm down after a simple interaction if my emotions get hightened past a certain intensity. So, maybe, sure, if I allowed myself to really cry to another person, I may continue crying for a very long time. Especially with my therapist and how much I trust her with my emotions, I could very easily start and just continue sobbing to her. Yesterday, it was so easily there for me to do, and she was so willing to be there for it, and to guide me through it, and not leave me alone for it and I was so willing to allow it to happen, I did ask her to make me cry in the first place... yet I continued to shut any emotion down and keep myself from releasing any of that emotion or pain or tears or sobs.

I’ve never allowed myself to be emotionally vulnerable with anyone. Not even through my childhood or younger adolescence, before I started using self-harm or eating disorder behaviors to express my emotions or cope with them. There was always a block there, for some reason. I never cried to anyone or allowed anyone to see me cry while “coping” with my mother’s addiction, friend or family or romantic drama, or my grandmother passing away. Shortly after my grandmother passed away was when I started self-harming and using ED behaviors, so that’s where the lines really get blurred. & This is where my assignment comes in. My therapist wants me to ask my wise mind, and explore why I shut my emotions down instead of crying in front of anyone.

I have always cried alone. In my car alone, in my house alone, in my room alone.

I will shut any emotion in front of other people down if it will make me cry. Unless caused by music, movie, or tv show.

I tend to only cry to my aunt when my emotion gets to a hightened intensity, usually as a result of frustration or anger.

If my emotion gets hightened and it is a sadness or depression or emotional pain or emotional fear, and I’m with my aunt or anyone else, I shut it down or I dissociate. I call it my default setting. I don’t know any differentor how to stop it. It happens at funerals, meals, therapy sessions, work, high stress situations, and most times when my emotion (that isn’t anger of frustration) gets incredibly hightened.

I have always been, am, and will always be an angry cryer in front of any and everyone, and I will always be unashamed about this.

I have and will always cry when I am in physical pain or when I am physically ill in front of any and everyone and I will always be unashamed about this.

I am supposed to be asking my wise mind to explore this. To explore why when I feel intense emotions, I shut them down to avoid crying in front of others, no matter how much I trust them. I am still incredibly angry at myself for not allowing myself to cry with my therapist when I so badly wanted to. When I am this deeply into my emotion mind, it is hard to access wise mind, but I know what my wise mind would tell me, so I’m going to try and see if I can climb my way through emotion mind and into my wise mind.

Crying is okay, healthy, and pure. I believe this for every single person on earth, including myself. I believe that crying is a cleansing thing to do for yourself. It is an act of complete surrender and it shows trust, honesty, strength, and vulnerability all at the same time. I always wished I could express my emotions this way, to surrender completely to my tears and allow them to come and go. I always wished I could cry with people who are also crying while I felt the need to cry as well. I have never looked down upon a person for doing this, and I always am moved and inspired when I witness a person cry healithy about their emotions. I also feel jealous when I witness a person cry so openly while experiencing any emotion. I have always felt that there has been something wrong with me emotionally because I have never allowed myself to cry to or with another person. I don’t know if there has ever been a time when I cried to a person about something I felt emotionally, ever, in my life. I don’t know if there has ever been a time where I was invalidated for crying over something I felt emotionally, ever, that could’ve lead me to build this giant wall and swear I would never bring it down. I don’t know if there has ever been a time that I witnessed soemone else cry for something they felt emotionally and get invalidated, rejected, or judged for it, leading me to never want to experience that and swear to never allow myself to cry in front of another person. I don’t have a perfect pin-point memory or reason as to why I never allowed myself to be emotionally vulnerable with another person. I don’t have a memory of something happening in my life and can say “this is when or why I decided to shut every emotion down and not cry in front of others for the rest of my life.” My therapist thinks there is something else going on internally, below the surface, that is blocking me from crying in front of others. She is probably right, and I wish I knew what it was. I wish I had a solid answer for this. I wish I could say “this is why, this is what happened, this is when I decided to shut my emotions down and not cry in front of anyone.” It isn’t that easy, and maybe I do have a memory of this “event” that made me decide that I was going to shut all of my emotions down, and I repressed that memory so far into myself that I can’t even remember it. Or maybe it happened so long ago, and I was so young, that I can’t remember now. I am not lying or avoiding the subject when I say “I don’t know” to this question, to why I decicided however many years ago that I was never going to allow myself to cry in front of others. It is an incredibly exhausting, and lonely, and painful existence to live a life in which I can never share my emotions with another person. Especially when it is the only thing I know that I want. I do not want to live like this forever, and I know that if I truly want to recover, and be a better person, a healthier person, I have to somehow bring this wall down. Break through the block I have made for myself.

I could pin this on a control issue. I want others to believe that I have complete control of my emotions, whether I do or not, by not crying. Even when it is appropriate to be crying about the situation or emotions felt in that moment. I could pin this on a strength issue. I want to appear strong, and somewhere along my life journey I decided that in order for people to think that I am strong enough was by not crying. I could pin this on my need to be completely available to other people, and I could not be completely available if I was crying and breaking down about the same thing they were. I could pin this on a trust issue. I do not want to allow someone to see the most vulnerable parts of myself for them to just leave me. I could pin this on my fear of abandonment. If a person saw me cry, they might believe that x y z was true about me and they would leave. I could pin this on my need for others to think that I am able to handle myself appropriately, and crying may indicate that I am not able to handle myself. I could pin this on my fear that I need more help than the average person, and I have too much pride or ego or shame to admit it. I could pin this on my need to please others and not upset them, and if they saw I was upset by crying, they would think that whatever they were doing to help me or fix the situation was not enough or to avoid them feeling helpless if they couldn’t help or fix the situation. I could pin this on my need to never allow others to know my heavier emotions to not burden them. I could pin this on my fear that I will drown in my emotion if I express it by crying. I could pin this on my fear that I will hurt others by expressing my emotion through crying. I could pin this on embarrassment or shame of even having or feeling an emotion so strongly that it causes me to cry. I could pin this on my fear of letting go of control of my emotion by releasing it, and not keeping it inside of me. I could pin this on my need to avoid the damage it could cause if I released my emotions. I could pin this on my belief that I deserve to hurt. I could pin this on my belief that I deserve to suffer and drown inside of my pain. I could pin this on my fear that releasing my emotions won’t make them lessen or go away, so I just shut it down to avoid it altogether. I could pin this on my belief that I don’t deserve to feel my emotions because they and/or I don’t matter. I could pin this on my fear that if I felt my emotions, my mental health will get worse because crying was not enough. I could pin this on my fear that if crying was enough, I would feel something other than my pain. I could pin this on my fear that if I cry to another person and allow them to see me at my most vulnerable, they would use it against me or manipulate me or blackmail me with it later. I could pin this on my fear of realizing that my pain is real and valid, even if it is not validated by another person. I could pin this on my fear of being completely alone with my pain still, after crying with another person. I could pin this on my fear that if I start crying to another person, I would not be able to stop and would become or continue to be too much for them. I could pin this on my fear of being a burden or too much or too overdramatic or manipulative or selfish or a drama queen or overreactive if I expressed my emotions by crying. I could pin this on my fear that I would be rejected, or ignored, or invalidated, or judged for expressing my emotions by crying. I could pin this on my fear that it would hurt other people to see me in pain. I could pin this on my fear that I might say something hurtful to someone or about someone by accident that I don’t mean while venting to another person while crying. I could pin this on my fear that I could lose my idea of self-control by not crying by crying. I could pin this on my fear of becoming more like my mother, who cried often and still used drugs and food to cope with her emotions. I could pin this on my fear of taking advantage of someone else’s support by oversharing or overexpressing my emotions by crying. I could pin this on my need to be the “strong one” while everyone around me battled and struggled and broke down. I could pin this on the complete unknown territory of crying in front of another person. I could pin this on my fear that it will take longer for me to recover if I came face to face with and confronted my pain. I could pin this on my fear that I want to keep up my reputation of being the girl who doesn’t cry or who has never cried or always was the shoulder to cry on. I could pin this on the fear of the decisions I would make if I felt my pain in its entirety. I could pin this on my fear of the decisions others may make if I cried in front of them. I could pin this on the young girl I was who was more in touch with other people’s emotions rather than her own. I could pin this on the fear that I could appear broken or fragile to others, more than I already do. I could pin this on the belief that I don’t deserve to be comforted or coddled or the shame that I do need these things. I could pin this on fear I would never get control of my emotions if I allowed myself to feel them fully and express them. I could pin this on my fear that I would recieve pity or half-hearted support if I was honest about my emotions and expressed them honestly by crying. I could pin this on the fear that those who offer their support only offer it because they know I won’t accept it, and if I did, they wouldn’t want to give it anymore. I could pin this on my fear that no one would trust me with their emotions if they realized I couldn’t handle my own. I could pin this on my fear of somehow being more alone than I already am. I could pin this on my belief that I deserve to hurt myself physically for the pain I feel inside, and if I expressed it by crying, I may not feel the need to hurt myself physically or feel the need to hurt myself physicially more. I could pin this on the shame and embarrassment I would probably feel after crying to the unfortunate person who had to witness it. I could pin this on the fear that I would not get the support I was seeking by crying. I could pin this on the fear that my emotion would increase and highten and I would lose control of myself completely or emotionally blackout and hurt someone somehow. I could pin this on my fear that I may not know how to recover after a long cry and would be left alone afterwards. I could pin this on my fear of being alone and empty without my pain, rather than being alone and empty with my pain. I could pin this on my fear that I could realize things about myself or others that I don’t like. I could pin this on my fear and shame that I may never learn to control or regulate my emotions by feeling them fully and expressing them fully and becoming overwhelmed by them.

I could pin this on all of it. I can’t pick one. I can’t even pick two or three, or five or ten. It’s all of it. It’s the result of 23 years of keeping my emotions inside. It’s the result of 23 years of watching how my family and friends interact with each other. It’s 23 years of being alone with my pain, wishing I could tell and cry to someone else about it. It’s 23 years of fights with family and friends, car accidents, almost deaths, deaths, funerals, meals, therapy sessions, changes and successes and failures, mental illness diagnoses and symptoms and behaviors. It’s 23 years of wishing I had a person who I didn’t feel the need to protect from my emotions and always feeling the need to protect everyone from my emotions, no matter who they were; including mental health professionals throughout my entire life. I don’t have an “event”. I can’t point at one memory and say “this is when or why I decided to shut down every emotion that was hard and would potentially make me cry in front of another person.” I wish I had a memory. I wish I could tackle that one memory, process through it, and finally be able to cry in front of others unashamed and unafraid. It isn’t that simple for me. It won’t ever be that simple for me, and nothing will ever be that simple for me. It’s always going to be leaps and bounds and mountains and a few steps forward and a hundred steps back. I don’t see the point in trying sometimes or most of the time honestly, but this is the one thing I haven’t tried yet. And it just doesn’t feel fair to give up before trying the one last thing. It could be my answer to everything beyond this, beyond what I know. It could be my flower filled meadow in a clearing after the hike through the dark forest or it could be my breathtaking view after a strenuous mountain climb or it could be the horrifying place where all of my fears come true. I don’t know what it could be, but I want to do it scared if I have to. I wish I could just do it scared, as long as I’m getting it done. I am willing. I am so willing that it makes me angry that I can’t just do it. I am so willing that it makes me hate myself so much that I can’t just do it. It makes me so angry that I have a person who I trust more than anyone in this whole world with my emotions and I can’t give them to her. I couldn’t give them to her when she asked me to, when I asked her in the first place to make me give them to her. It scared me when she suggested that I was not willing. It was another of the same battle I had to fight previously, knowing it was one I might not win again. It was another of the same battle I had to fight previously that I am not willing to fight again, no matter the truth or emotion behind it. I am angry at myself for having what I wanted right in front of me, and no reason or threat to hold back, and I still couldn’t do it. I still denied myself of the very one thing I have wanted in my entire 23 years. Maybe I won’t ever get it. Not even because I don’t deserve it, because even I feel like after 23 years I deserve it. I paid my dues long enough, it may actually be my turn now. But... maybe I won’t ever get it because I won’t ever find a person who I feel I don’t need to protect from myself and/or my emotions. I won’t ever find a person who I will care so little about that I won’t feel the need to protect them from the damage I could cause. And maybe that’s a beautiful thing. Maybe it’s my gift to to the world, to the ones I love, my family and friends, and the people who I trust with my emotions even if I cannot give them to them. It maybe tragic for me and causes pain and suffering on my part, but to love and care about everyone in my life so much that I am willing to sacrifice myself in all ways to protect them from all of the things inside of me that could hurt them is a beautiful thing I think.

But, I don’t know. I won’t ever know. I will always want to know, I will always try to know, I will always act like I know, I will always behave like I know, but I don’t. I am not lying and I am willing. I am willing to learn and to change and to grow and to be afraid doing it.

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