#kevin look weird from afar and normal close up idk what is going on

[5a-alf]

I finally colored the sketch i posted some time ago, enjoy!

[septembersghost]

I just got to season 9 ep 13 when Sam says he wouldn’t have done the same things to save dean as dean did to save him and the look in deans eyes and the hurt in his face and idk how I’m supposed to go out and function like a normal human today now

please let me send you a soft hug from afar <3

back in the day, I hoped they would make 9x13 a fun episode, or ideally a REALLY spooky ghost episode (why I thought they’d care specifically about the episode number aligning with the SPNDay date is silly, but because of its meaning to me, I did!), so I remember when it aired being extra stung at what a hurtful mess it is. there’s uncharacteristic casual cruelty in it. not even only that final blow from Sam, but before that. for example, it really caught me on rewatch a few days ago - Dean makes a teasing comment about Sam and yoga, and Sam says, “You’re not the only one who’s ever dated someone bendy.” and the thing is, that’s not a casual reference, that is a specific, pointed dig to Lisa. I had completely forgotten he said that, and of course Lisa and Ben haven’t been mentioned or considered since early S7 (and I don’t think they ever are again after this?), but to insert that as if that was some momentary fling...I flinched. Dean doesn’t even respond to it, it hangs there. then there’s the discussion about the roofies, and Dean says he knows what they look like because he doesn’t want to end up in a tub of ice somewhere, but there are likely other reasons that he learned early on what they are and how to look out for them (the later CBGB story is rattling around in my head now that I’ve been reminded of it).

then the narrative plays the weird game it liked to play where the boys flip-flop in their sympathies towards whomever they deem a “monster” - it’s very clear that Maritza doesn’t deserve to die, but they don’t allow Dean to have sympathy for the fact that she’s lost her entire family and her livelihood, just to enable Sam to deliver the biting lines, “I wanted to keep things strictly business between us. But I still have a heart.” implying that, 1. Sam has a heart, but not in that moment for Dean, and 2. that Dean, constantly defined by his heart, doesn’t have one. it’s terrible. 

and then they have that horrible conversation at the end, which, honestly...when they come to blows at the end of When The Levee Breaks, that's the only agony even close to the conversation they have here, and in some ways The Purge is worse because it’s quiet, rather than boiling over. I remember feeling like I’d been punched when I watched it, and they don’t lay a hand on one another. the strange part is, watching it this time around, it was both better and worse. better, only because I knew he was lying and angry and lashing out, worse because...we know the ending.

I was (perhaps somewhat unfairly, in retrospect) livid at Sam when this initially happened because of abundant love for Dean, BUT let’s talk it out from the “I’ve-worked-hard-on-my-sympathy-for-Sam” perspective now - Sam is traumatized by not only the possession by Gadreel, but by Dean tricking him, especially on the heels of what happened in the church. the person he trusts and relies on more than anyone in the world violated his autonomy and lied to him about it. he keeps seeing his own hands murdering Kevin, even though it wasn’t him, and that would be tortuous. and I feel like there’s more than a little guilt and projection happening because he didn’t help Kevin when he was kidnapped by Crowley while Dean was in purgatory, and if they had done things differently, maybe Kevin and his mother could’ve been safe, maybe he wouldn’t have been in the bunker, maybe he wouldn’t have been killed. he blames himself, but also blames Dean for it happening, because Dean let Gadreel in. Dean blames himself for it happening. they both are culpable to a degree. Kevin’s spirit told them to stop with the stupid fighting (and he was right), but Sam’s not at a point where he’s willing to let that go. Sam then reframes the events that happened and says he wanted to, and was ready to, die. we know this isn’t true - when Dean intervened, he ASKED for help, he wanted it to stop, but the guilt of Kevin weighs so heavily that it’s like, “if he had let me die, this wouldn’t have happened,” so reiterating that he wanted to die becomes a reflexive kind of moral high ground. and I wish they’d, at any point, had Sam be reminded of the fact that he took on the trials explicitly because he was the one who wanted to live, that in the church he wanted to live, but the hallucination in 9x01 where he tells Death he’s ready becomes the story for him.

Dean has already recklessly taken on the Mark, and we know the absolute low point of despair and self-loathing he was in (and continues to be in). when he gives Sam the “I’m poison” speech and they split up, Sam says “that’s not the problem,” and the difficulty at that point is that their perspectives are so fractured that their problems are entirely different. the depth of Dean’s self-loathing and the way he sees himself is not how anyone else sees him (as Crowley, of all people, states), and his instinct, everything in him, is to save Sam, save others, no matter if it comes at the expense of himself. meanwhile, from Sam’s point of view, this was Dean exerting control and making decisions for him, and he’s understandably had a long-standing issue with anyone doing that since he was kid. (the root of both of these damaged responses? John.)

there are a bunch of intentional parallels happening, and 9x12 calls back to 5x01. In Sympathy for the Devil, we had Dean saying, “I just don't...I don't think that we can ever be what we were. You know? I just don't think I can trust you.” In Sharp Teeth, we have Sam saying, “I can't trust you. Not the way I thought I could, not the way I should be able to.” and unfortunately, the weapons we have to wound one another are sharpest with the people we love the most. Sam uses his anger to tell Dean they can be co-workers, but not brothers, and there’s this feeling that nothing could possibly hurt Dean more than that, but, of course, it’s also an impossibility. they are brothers, always. that can’t be erased or forgotten, they can’t pretend a bond that is fundamental doesn’t exist. so Dean falls into the familiar patterns of responding as he does, as a brother, and in doing this, tries to explain his actions (“I may not think things all the way through. Okay? But what I do, I do because it's the right thing. I'd do it again.”), but it’s not something Sam is in a position to hear or accept. Sam then bites back with the most cutting words he can think of, and he delivers them in a measured, rational way to give them a veneer of veracity (where, if he yelled about it, it would feel more like the heat of anger) - you did this for you. and the worst part, the very worst part, is that while Sam is mad and guilt-ridden (“what is the upside of me being alive?”), there’s a kernel of truth in that. Dean saved Sam because he would always save Sam, because Sam didn’t deserve or want to die, but he also does save Sam because he needs him. he loves him, and that’s the driving force, but he needs him too, and that’s different. it isn’t as cut-and-dried or as selfish as Sam attempts to make it (as I’ve said before, Dean’s selflessness and selfishness are intertwined things, he’s complicated to the point where he has reasons that stem from both places simultaneously), but he’s not entirely wrong, and Dean’s not entirely right. possibly the cruelest thing Sam says is, “You are certainly willing to do the sacrificing as long as you're not the one being hurt,” which is absolutely not true (mostly because EVERYTHING hurts Dean constantly, and he doesn’t care if he’s the one being hurt if he thinks he’s doing what’s best for someone else, Sam most of all), but then he says, very softly, that he wouldn’t make the same choice, and that...that is shattering. that plays into Dean’s abandonment fears, his lack of self-worth, his worry that he isn’t deserving of returned love. it digs into the scarred-over wound of Sam not looking for him a year before. it underscores his feeling of being poison, and obliterates what Sam intended when he said that wasn’t the actual issue. because of this, Dean spends the rest of S9 reflexively risking himself, not particularly concerned what’s going to happen to him, and as the bloodlust of the Mark and the Blade take over, making unilateral decisions (“this is a dictatorship” is awful and demeaning, and he's aware of it).

Sam doesn’t mean what he says. I suspect he probably knows he doesn’t mean this the moment he gets to his room and shuts the door that night, but it’s too late. he said it, and he knows Dean, he knows he’ll take it to heart. they’re both such disasters at this point that neither of them is willing to be the first to break and apologize. the narrative makes clear that Sam didn’t meant it. it’s clear in the way he bolts from his room in the very next episode. it’s obvious in Blade Runners. it keeps rising more to the surface for Sam and for us, but Dean doesn’t see it. between the burden of the Mark and his plunge into his own darkness and his relentlessness to take out Abaddon and Metatron, he absorbs it, and I think even uses it to devalue himself while also elevating his own choices to circumvent Sam. the Mark and the Trials are mirrors - risky and fatal, taken on to achieve a difficult/necessary task. the Blade and the demon’s blood addictions become mirrors too - subsuming need cloaked in the guise of doing the right thing, even if doing that is destructive to their own humanity. he see his decisions as right, but his life as not mattering. and the narrative...does punish him for it. he suffers for that. he literally dies because of it.

armed with the knowledge that Sam lied, and will explicitly say so, added a different dimension and ache to that scene in 9x13 for me. knowing how obsessively determined Sam will be to save Dean every single time afterwards - from being a demon, from the Mark, from Michael - that he himself will make the selfish choice to save his brother at the cost of others, and tell Dean he’d do it without hesitating again, changes it. Dean saves Sam repeatedly, they save the world repeatedly, they claw back their freedom, but knowing that in the end, battle after battle for one another, that for Sam specifically it ultimately is fight after fight to save Dean and prove he deserves to live, and prove there’s light ahead for them, that this will be futile, and that Sam won’t get to save him that last time (trampling all logic), makes it so much more agonizing, because he fails, and has to exist in that powerless grief.

AS USUAL, this turned into a long response, mostly because I considered writing thoughts out about this episode last week and couldn’t bring myself to do it, but your sending me this sparked up the need to sift through it. the ramifications of that discussion and that episode...hurt. the devastated, heartbroken look on Dean’s face hurts. (I swear, you physically SEE the light drain from his eyes, it dims something in him for a while.) S9 is just a series of successive blows, and all I want to do is lock them in a room and lovingly demand they put their pride aside and communicate and work it out, because they’ve lost too much already and they can’t lose that connection and reliance on one another - but if I could do that, then I’d be able to warn them and rescue them from what’s yet to come, and reality is unfair and won’t let me open the door to walk between worlds!

I really do think it’s one of the most heartbreaking conversations in their entire run.

I hope you’re okay and had a little bit of happiness for Valentine’s Day! you can come cry and be sad to me any time you need to, I always understand.

[ongaku-ato-kakikomi]

Knife Play

Request:  Hey, i loved your billy and Stu imagines and stuff. I don’t know if you want your requests in here or in your asks. But I was wondering if you are still willing to do a request for Kevin (as you said you did requests for we need to talk about Kevin at one point) Idk if you’re down if the request being like a finding out s/o hasba knife kink, if not I’m down with a wild card. Thanks ?

(A/N) : Hi there! Like I already told you (but I’m repeating here for others), I prefer when you request things in the ask! But I’m doing your request because I freaking love Kevin and I’ve been waiting for a request for him forever so I hope you like this <3

Masterlist

When you were forced by your teacher to be paired up with none other than Kevin for a History project, all your friends started to act like you were going to die. Not because he ever did anything wrong in the past, but because there’s always that dark and weird vibe constantly going off of him. Sure, he’s one of the smartest you’ve ever met and he’s pretty good looking, but he’s always spending time alone and staring at everyone in silence, his brown eyes piercing through your soul from afar. Every time he’s around, whether it’s in your class or when your paths cross at the grocery store, you always feel like the atmosphere’s colder and you shiver because of it. Your friends believe it’s because you’re scared of him, and you would like to agree with them, but you can’t help but feel like it’s something deeper than that.

But when your friends made you promise to do the project at his house instead of yours, you instantly agreed (because in case he’s actually a psychopath, you don’t want him to know where you live), but you weren’t expecting him to just shrug at your request and go with it, like he doesn’t even care about this project. Well, it’s true, he doesn’t care about this project because here you are, in house, on a Saturday afternoon, and he hasn’t done a single thing to help you with it. All he’s done is either hum with his eyes closed, took a long nap on the books you use for research and eat snacks while staring at you to make you uncomfortable.

Thank god that his father passes through the kitchen from time to time. It’s the only moments where Kevin seem to be somewhat normal, smiling and talking with you about the project, but as soon as his father’s gone, he’s back to being the weird and unsettling kid. You’ve noticed that he doesn’t change his behavior when his mother is around and that she seems really scared of him, so that’s another reason to add to your ‘why I should stay away from Kevin Khatchadourian’ list.

It doesn’t help the fact that he’s now eating a green apple with a knife, the gray and shiny blade cutting through the fruit to make sloppy and juicy slices that he then brings to his mouth. It’s an action that keeps distracting you from the project, your eyes following the movements of the knife going through the apple, stopping on top of his thumb and finally gently stroking his tongue with the blade to lick the juice off of it. You feel electric waves go through your spine every time you watch him lick the knife, your heart pounding louder and louder inside your ears as your hands slightly get sweatier. You imagine him use the knife against your skin, gently stroking it at first while kissing you then making small cuts here and there-

“Would you stop that?”

The words got out of your mouth before you could even register them and you try to forget you even said them. But unlucky for you, your voice makes him stops in the middle of licking his knife, the boy taking a few seconds to register what you said before staring back you. This is the first time that you’re directly talking to him that day, which his something he had tried to make you do since you’ve arrived, and he’s now totally ready for anything.

“Stop what?”

“That.” You give his knife a small look before you look down at your piece of paper with heavy breathing. “It’s not hygienic and it’s distracting me.”

A smirk breaks out of his lips. “Oh, really?”

“Yes, really.” You continue to write down your paragraph, trying your best to focus on the project instead of him. “So I would appreciate it if you’d stop it.”

He tilts his head while observing you, his eyes taking in your heavy breathing and your slightly rosy cheeks that you’re trying to hide very badly, and he can’t help but let his grin stretch out.

Interesting.

“Alright.” He takes your piece of paper away from you, making you yelp in surprise, and he starts to read. “Let’s see what you got then.”

You stare back at him in disbelief. Is he really gonna work on the project now? You shake your head and just wait for him to read what you’ve got. You’re supposed to be partners, who are you to stop him?

“Your first paragraph is all wrong.”

Your eyes go wide at the accusation. “No, it’s not!”

His brown eyes look back into your (e/c) ones, his grin still presents on his face. “Yes, it is.”

You take the piece of paper back from him and let your eyes trail down on your handwriting, reading the first paragraph to see if you made any mistake. You frown when you see that it is perfectly fine, and so you’re about to tell your partner that he’s hallucinating mistakes when you feel something cold on your left cheek.

You tense up, recognizing the feeling of the blade as Kevin forces you to turn your head towards him, his face closer to yours and his smirk even wider than before.

“I lied. It’s perfect.”

Time seems to slow down as you both stare in each others’ eyes, his warm breath hitting your lips while you feel the blade slowly move across your cheek. You slightly flinch when you feel it cut your cheek, small drops of blood rolling down at the blade. Your eyes go wide when he licks your blood of the knife, continuing to stare back at you.

“Hmm… Your blood tastes good.”

“Stop that.”

He playfully quirks an eyebrow at you. “Why?”

“Because you’re scaring me.”

“That’s not fear in your eyes.” He gets his lips closer to yours, the tension rising. “It’s excitement.”

You crash your lips against his before you can’t think, your arms wrapping themselves around his neck while your fingers go through his black hair. He doesn’t wait for another second before he grabs your thighs from under and brings you on top of him, his hands slowly moving up under your shirt to your waist, his knife gently stroking the skin and making small cuts. You gasp and yelp under each cut and movements, giving you small moments to breathe in before your tongues dance together for another round. You feel him smirk when you moan from everything, one of his hands about to unbuttoned your jean when-

“What is happening in here!?”

Your eyes open wide when you recognize his mother’s voice, and so you instantly free yourself from his grip and pull down your shirt, avoiding her angry stare. Kevin licks your saliva off of his bottom lip while staring at you, still holding the knife full of your blood, then looks back at his mother with a challenging expression.

“That’s none of your concern, mother.”

She stares at him in shock, unable to say anything back to him, then she sighs in frustration and leaves the room. Kevin smirks proudly at her leaving form then looks back at you to see that you’ve already put all the books back in your bag.

“What are you doing?”

“I’m going home.” You put the strap of your bag on your shoulder and stand up. “I’ll finish the project alone.”

He quirks an eyebrow at you, his mind unable to understand what kind of person you are. You clearly messed up, just like him, and yet you keep trying to push it aside and be perfect like everyone else… why?

You were just so fucking more fascinating than he thought.

“Wait.” He grabs your arm before you can walk away from the table. “You forgot something.”

You look back at him to see what you might have forgotten, but he drags you down at his level so he can kisses your lips one last time. You stare at him in surprise once he stops, his smirk already coming back to his lips.

“See you at school.”

You slowly nod after a few seconds, then leave, unaware of his brown eyes watching your every movement. As soon as your out of his vision, he takes the up the knife and licks off your blood on it.

You two would have to do this again.