#kind of a closure; asking myself if theyre okay and now

[enden-k]

if you havent already,

walk through the hallway of the grand theater after the end of the penacony mission

[unravelling-the-world]

random thoughts related to kagepro (tw for depression?? death?? suicide ?? implied ?? im not sure and idk what else read at ur own risk)

well idk lately ive been thinking a lot and ik ive uh always (? since i can remember?) have been depressed (i mean...it started around age 12...i dont really remember much before that. most of what i remember are bad moments anyways. or very specific scenes. but they dont feel mine. if that makes sense. its like remembering the scene from a movie.  back on track i guess idk well lately ive realized i actually kin some characters and lately ive...been relating a lot to shintaro kisaragi fromkagepro. i mean its ok. there´s always been that specific similarity in us (after all, how many characters in anime are as related to coca cola as shintaro //and me,,im literally a coca cola addict lmao// well anyways. after some days, this lead me to thinking...to a hidden memory within my brain, i guess. I remember introducing my then best friends, to kagepro. one told me haha he´s like u bc the coca cola!! and i think i just laughed and smiled? i truly didn´t see it? i was sad sure, but i couldnt really relate to him. after all, i was the leader of my own little group of 12 year old weebs,right? (i was also 12 btw) i didnt personally dislike shintaro but i didnt rly see myself in him yknow? also i have loved ayano from ever since i have memory so idk like she´s one of my biggest comfort characters and its weird bc if she was ´´real´´ idk if i could date her or anything but im just glad she exists bc it somehow comforts me a lot yeah anyways ayano essay for another time lol. anyways at this age my favorite characters in kagepro were ayano and konoha ( i still love them a lot) thing is, at this point in my life i didnt know/wasnt aware i was transgender but i already kinda liked he/him pronouns so i roleplayed a lot. online. i roleplayed as konoha obviously lmao and actually one of my irl friends related to shintaro ?? and i think we may have roleplayed lmao and stuff.... she even had a facebook account named shin hikkikomori or smth like that. anyways fast forward bc after being 12 a lot of stuff happened obviously. and none of that relates to kagepro until quite some time. i will mention some items that dont really relate to kagepro but marked moments in my friend group that may be relevant later on. Around 2016)? Some of my closest friends changed schools (but we kept contact) yet i still had a big group at school. But it got fragmented along the way. 2017 i went to Japan and formed a new, different friend group with people that even today, are dear to me. When i came back, my friend group fragmented more. I kept contact with other members of the old group but one on one, not as a group anymore. 2018 we graduated, and i broke up my realtionship with one of my former best friends (2016-2018) 2019 was a year of change, and even though i was afraid and shit got weird, i was not doing too bad. i will skip that. Well. Im sure we all know 2020 was a trainwreck, shit happened. i had a villain arc. I lost my shit,definetely. Ups, downs, whatever. 2021 has not been too different. However, even through everything, in early 2020, i kept close relationships with my friend group. as the year moved forward and the restrictions started lifting ( thank you government very cool <3 //ironically obviously, this is the reason this shit wont go away//) some of my friends saw each other irl and stuff, or talked about stuff i didn´t understand/didn´t want to hear while on discord. I felt alienated. I felt empty. I got mad at a friend for the first time, for something he said. I ended up isolating myself. A friend celebrated her birthday. She invited me and never excluded me, asked me a lot of things and asked to virtually include me. But that would just make me feel more alienated, wouldn´t it? I told her it was ok, i didn´t go. Honestly, I felt like a bother. I didn´t want to bother. I wasn´t okay, but i didn´t want to bother anyone, so i isolated myself. I had a very bad breakdown. lasted weeks. When I recovered, it wasn´t the same. It felt like everyone else was closer, while i drifted away. I kind of recconected with some of my friends from Japan after this. In the vacations, i felt like i reconnected with some friends just to drift away again later. However, i never could reconnect with one of my best friends. She never really got mad at me or anything ( i think) but we don´t really talk much anymore. We used to talk daily, be it actual talking, memes, anything. I don´t think we´ve actually talked in weeks. There´s nothing I can do. This year, another friend had a birthday, but I was so disconnected from everyone I didn´t even care. I mean. It´s all broken now, isn´t it? The other day I just started wondering. When did I start relating to Shintaro so much? I had always been like this, hadn´t I? Who am I, actually? Why do I relate so much now? It´s not just about the soda. I had lost friends before, but I never really felt like that. Sometimes I feel like I´ve lost everyone. In a one year span I became a hikkikomori. About a month ago, when I entered classes, I was recognized as Shintaro pfp and I admitted to kinning him to people i´d never talked to before (on chat) // I decided to go apeshit idc anymore about what anyone thinks of me// I had fun. I think I must´ve posted on my stories, because two different people told me they were the ene to my shintaro. I appreciated it. i mean it´s kinda true bc now that i´m only on the pc they do bother me online and try to get me to open up or get better but sometimes the just annoy me lmao but also not bc they all have their own particular lives and they all seem to be doing better than me. Still, my classmates are very nice and inclusive. But it´s not like im close to any of them I guess. I´m just alone now. I´m fucked up man....I don´t feel real anymore. I don´t really know who I am. I guess that´s why I find comfort in seeing a part of myself in Shintaro? But when did i turn out like this? Why didn´t I relate when I was younger? Well, I hadn´t really lost any friends back then. I now know how painful that is. How lonely it is to be alone even when there is people around. idk. and i´ve always been quiet. introverted. shy. a loser. yet now whenever i meet anyone i try to idk connect? but i cant. i wish i could be more evil. maybe it´d just be easier if everyone really, truly hated me. maybe i´d get the strength to actually kill myself then. it´s weird. i really see myself in route xx shintaro. I know that´s fucked up because I know how it ends. but truly, i was trying. I was healing, i think i was going somewhere. and i was trying to keep my newly formed renovated friend group together. I really was trying to. I didn´t mind if we had sub groups on the big group, but we were all there for each other. I tried my best. I felt like i belonged. but now im alone again. and this time there´s nothing i can do. if something, i´ve made it worse. and i keep making it worse. it´s weird. when i first got into kagepro, both shintaro and ayano felt like adults. i thought they were really, really big. im older than them now. now i know theyre not really adults. i get it. i still feel 18. after all, these last two years have been taken away from me. i didnt waste them myself this time.  i feel like a rotten 18 year old...when i listen to lost time memory, i just...get it. i always liked the song. i thought the story was so cool. when it first came out.. i still remember. iwas there. i waited for it. i loved it. i still do, but back then, i just saw it all as some really great and cool song. now i feel like i really, really get it. i love it even more. im hiding away in all my memories. but what is my true heart? what do i really want? i don´t know, i don´t know... If I'm 'wise' then, I can't face forward; I have no reason to so, I'll rot away instead It would be nice if time could be turned back. Years may pass but I'll never die I repeat hopeful words to myself, even though I know I still won't be able to reach you. "It doesn't matter, just die already!" I said as I clutched my wrist, simply cursing it. Unable to do anything, I merely indulged myself in life. "If summer can show me dreams, then let's go to before you were taken away" The days where I hid my embarrassment are illuminating upon the atmosphere and burning my mind. If I'm wishing for a dream that can't come true, then I'll embrace this blurry past and have a dream which I don't wake up from and naturally seclude myself from the outside world. "But that means you can't even see tomorrow?" I don't really care 'bout that, so it's ok I stained my hands in order to kill these boring days I'm choosing "solitude" after all A rotten boy at 18 today too, prayed again while clinging on to your colored smile Underneath the blazing sun Asking "Somehow, please take me away instead of leaving like this!" and my murmuring breath was quietly stopped

I guess i just wish someone could actually help me. take me out of this hole. Maybe some kind of closure would be nice. It´s not the same, though. I don´t have enough bravery in myself to actually kill myself. Mostly because of guilt. I can´t take the guilt of dissapointing everyone. I don´t want my parents to get hurt. I don´t want my bunny to miss me. Yet i wish everyday for it to be over. Lately, half of my dreams have been in Japan, with many friends, some who i met there, some who have never been there. Yet my brain shows me the dreams before it was all taken away. I think one of my favorite parts of the day is dreaming. I like to sleep simply because I dream. And i sleep very few. mayb bc i hate myself? I still barely indulge in life. I do anything to stay distracted. If i think, it all goes to shit. it all does. like now. Heh. it´s funny. I guess no one is truly my ene, because no one actually knows how mentally fucked up i got these past months. No one knows how badly i´ve been treating myself and how badly i´ve been doing. Still, i can´t tell anyone but scream it into the tumblr void. No one has to keep up with my shit. No one has to take care of me. After all, it was I who chose solitude. It was me who kept them away. But I don´t get a second choice. I don´t get a change of routes if things go sour. And i guess I don´t get to get a mentally fucked up friend group where I belong for a second time. Once was good enough, wasn´t it? I.. Even when I wasnt as deep as i am now (again) into kagepro, ive always wanted to die on August 15. It holds meaning to me now as well. Every year I used to ask people to go out with me that day. I know im not brave enough to kill myself. I always hoped for a lil miracle i guess. Last year was the first year...I didn´t do anything. I just... I just hope this year i can make it. I hope the miracle happens this year....I can only hope......its too late for me to be saved, isn´t it? I never thought it´d be like this. I don´t get closure. I don´t get goodbyes. I am left behind on a world that keeps moving. I am nothing.

[real-retail-stories]

The store I work in recently got refurbished. It was a relatively small store and hadn’t been updated since it was built some 60 years ago. We had signs up for months, detailing how it was changing, what was being changed, when the store would be closed, so on and so forth, leaflets were sent out with our paperboy to inform anyone who has newspapers delivered would still receive their papers as normal, as well as all the staff telling customers about it and warning them of closures and or anything that might be an inconvenience to them. But as everyone who works in retail will know, customers will always find something to complain about. 

8 customers, complained that they wouldn’t get their papers and refused to pay for the days they wouldn’t receive them,even after getting their leaflets.

5 of those said customers went out and bought their papers somewhere else, then phoned up or came in and complained that they now have 2 of their papers and refused to pay for the ones we sent them, even though they were given leaflets, and told in store that they would still get their papers. 

(This one I do feel kind of bad about) 1 woman, who I’d never actually seen before, came in mid renovation, looked around at all the stuff that had started changing, and proceeded to scream bloody murder at me, the only person on the shop front, about how this was going to effect her short term memory loss. Like, I’m really sorry to hear about that lady, and must be very difficult to deal with, but sadly not everything in the world is going to stand still for you, and screaming at me, a counter assistant, mid renovation isn’t going to change anything.

On a day where we closed midday, having put yellow tape around the front of the shop, putting up a big sign saying ‘SORRY, WE’RE CLOSED’, more customers than I can count, walked under or just plain ripped through the tape and tried to open our locked doors. Many of them yelled through the doors at us that they couldn’t get in. And once informed that ‘sorry, we’re closed for the day’ shouted at us for closing early and not telling them about it. (Even though you were told, I know you were told, I told most of you damn self yesterday.)

Multiple customers begging to be let in anyway because they just need some milk/some cigarettes/a packet of crisps. - I’m sorry but I cant let you in while work is being done, and even if I could, we have no tills to serve you on. - but I have the cash - I cant let you in, that would be dangerous.(Can you not see hard hat and gloves that I have to wear just to move stock out from the shop front?) - I’ll be careful. 

Customers after having been sent away already, called the shop to tell us what an inconvenience that was to them.

Customers phoned up our head office to complain that were weren’t open, we got a phone call from them to ask if we had our signs up because they were bored of telling customers that yes they do know that shop is closed today, sorry we cant make them open just so you can buy a packet of pasta or use the cash machine inside. 

At one point, nobody was in the front of the shop to tell a customer who had also missed the tape and sign that said we were closed to so he FUCKING SMASHED OUR GLASS DOOR AND WALKED INSIDE??????? WHO EVEN DOES THAT???? (Luckily the doors were going to be removed and fitted with new automatic ones later that week, be we (or the builders) had to boarder up the door with wood)

At one point, while the shop was essentially being gutted, having shelves and fridges and such ripped out, we had like a mini makeshift shop, like 1/10 the size of the full thing. (A tarp kind of thing acting as walls, one shelving stand, a fridge for milk and beer, cigarette cabinet, and half a counter strategically placed in front of the gap in the tarp so we could easily get in and out) so that people could get the 'essentials’. Customers would routinely come in, look around, not find the thing they want, then try to just walk around the counter and into the part of the shop that was obviously closed off. In what store, anywhere in the world would you think it was okay to just walk behind the counter??? 

Sorry but you cant enter that part of the shop. - why not? - because the builders are in there, theyre working - but the thing i want is in there - if you cant find what you want out here, i will happily go check in the back for it - but I KNOW where it is!! It’ll be on that shelf - that shelf isnt there anymore - why - because were having a refit - so i cant have that thing, this is RIDICULOUS - if you can wait right here for a moment, I can see if we have it in the back - fine -*goes and gets the thing from the back* - why dont you have this thing out here anyway? you have those other similar things there! - I’m sorry we just dont have the space in this section for everything, we’re trying to keep it down to the basics - well I’ll be coming back for more of it so you should put it out here ready for me!

Sorry but you cant go through into that part of the shop. - why not? - We’re undergoing refurbishment, the builders are in there I’m afraid. - oh, can i go in and have a look? - sorry, no. - why not? - because its dangerous - but you can go in there! - yes, but i have to wear a hard hat while i pass and through - well can i wear one and have a look? - no. - WHY NOT? - because its dangerous and i could get into trouble for letting you in there. - but how will i know what it looks like? - you’ll just have to wait and see when its all done. - but i want to see it now! -(Internally: Youre a grown ass man! what kind of grown man throws a tantrum over this kind of thing??) 

Sorry but you cant go through to that section - but the thing i want is in there - *see’s the thing they want is wrapped up in a delivery dolly. Its not been scanned in yet but i know i can make a not if it for when we do get round to scanning things in.* Okay, if you could please wait right here, I’ll get it for you. - No, its fine, I can get it myself. - Sorry but I cant let you into that part of the shop. (at this point in time, one of the builders has noticed us talking and is very helpfully opening the dolly to get the item. He double checks its the right thing before bringing it over to us. the customer gets more shopping then i scan it through and bag it all up. but wait theres more) - how much did that scan at. - [item price] - how much? it was only [special offer price] last week. - That offer ended two weeks ago. - I dont want it then, take it off. 

Do you have any frozen veg? - Sorry, not at the moment. - You had some before. - Yes, but were undergoing a refit and we don’t have any freezers to keep frozen food in at the moment. - why not? - our old freeze has been sent to a different store and are new ones wont be here until next week. - how am i going to make a roast dinner now? - we still have fresh veg in our fridges in the back, as well as canned veg, I can go get some for you. - well what do you have in? - peas, cauliflower, parsnips, and we have some potatoes on the shelves. - can I see them? - sure i’ll get some for you, what would you like to see? - all of it, where is it? - its in the back, I’d have to bring it up. - can’t I just go look for myself - sorry no. I know its not convenient, but I cant let you through. - fine, bring me [these things] - *brings here the things* - *looks at all the things, frowns* - these arent frozen - (internally smashing my head against a wall) after 10 more minutes of back and forth, she decided to go somewhere else.

And these are just some of the highlights.