To answer your question(s)...
When have you felt most proud of our relationship?
I don't know if I have a "most" proud. I think whenever people talk about us as "us" I feel proud. We are together, our friends and family can reliably say and talk about "us" about x, y, z. Krista and Alex bla bla bla. The girls yadda yadda.
What are 5 memories that defined the person you are?
I spit these out as they came to me. Then I reordered them to be chronological. Of note, most of these are from later in my life rather than childhood. I think I really figured out who I was a bit later. Also there are 6. They all felt important.
1. Getting a lecture from my dad when I was around 9 about my behaviour. I used to act out and held such resentment for the foster kids and he just let me have it one day about how I need to stop being an awful little brat because they don’t deserve that and I need to be better for them. How we’re all kids, but I have an advantage over them, and they need me to not be just one more shitty thing in their life.
2. Express yourself '08. Me, Nell, Jess, Ian getting hammered and reading our journals to each other from childhood and talking out traumas. Laughing and crying and just being so vulnerable with each other.
3. Standing on my scale in my bedroom, seeing 102, and getting filled up with so much hate for myself because I was working so hard and wanted the number to be lower than that.
4. Sitting at my table at Shawna’s wedding watching her say “I do”, and crying so hard. I added this one because it was my first heart break experience, and she taught me what feelings of love for another person actually are. We’d had ups and downs before and after that memory, but I had never felt anything (romantically) as awful as that before that moment.
5. Being in Gareth’s hospital room with my family and listening to his heartbeat slow down, watching my brother sob, watching everyone sob.
6. Feeling so much love for you in my heart when you disassembled a sink in Mexico just to get my cheap shitty ring back for me. It sounds ridiculous but it felt like the sweetest thing anyone had ever done for me.
When have you felt the most authentic and comfortable in our relationship?
I think when we’re at the cottage with your family is when it feels the most authentic. When your mom refers to us as “the girls” and we can cuddle on the couch without it feeling strange and I look like a slob in front of everyone and it doesn’t matter. When we’re there it feels like it’s been 50 years instead of 5 for some reason.
Edit for post-cottage thoughts: while the above is still true, maybe it felt strained this year and like we couldn't fully let go. Maybe a better answer is similar to when I'm most proud.
What did your parents teach you about romantic relationships? (thing you want to do vs don't want to do)
As a child they taught me bad habits. They used to fight a lot and use me as bait. I used to wish they would divorce because they were awful. Then after my dad's accident it's like they remembered they love each other. That's the mom and dad you see. I guess maybe they've taught me to laugh off whatever you can because holding on doesn't always make sense.
What has our relationship taught you about yourself?
I value a close partner more than I thought I would. I used to picture myself as a lone wolf who went on dates but that would be enough. But I know now that that's not the case. Or if it was, I wouldn't know what I was missing.
What are the biggest ways you think you've changed over the past few years?
I've gotten more tired. We're growing up, work is less work and more career. I've slowed down. I see that in myself. My patience is thinning in general. However I don't see that as bad. I just really feel strongly in the idea that my hours should be spent doing exactly what I want to do, rather than pleasing others. Also I'm fatter.
When did you last cry? What was it about?
I think my last cry was the night I was locked out of the house, just walking around at 3 in the morning trying to figure out how to move forward.
What would a perfect day together look like for you?
Sun. Drinks. Food. Music. Quiet. Cuddles. No obligations.
What is a way we’ve grown together in our relationship? What's a way we have grown as individuals?
Together - we haven’t mastered it yet but our arguments are getting better. And by that I mean they are getting more productive.
As individuals - you’ve gotten better at communicating. I’ve gotten more patient with you.
When you’re feeling anxious or overwhelmed, what can I do to help?
Depends on the situation. Sometimes I need to be alone to unpack my thoughts, sometimes I need a cuddle, sometimes I need a distraction. I guess ask me what I need and make me give you a tangible answer. And then help me do whatever the thing is.
What are 3 values that we share? What are 3 that we differ on?
We both:
-Want to always do better. Whether it's always educating ourselves on important things or fixing things.
-Try hard to not be shitty to people.
-Value our close friendships and relationships.
What do we differ on? I'm probably more selfish than you, whereas you're more accommodating when it comes to commitments or requests from others.
What does a balanced relationship look like to you?
Time for each other that doesn't take away from time apart, and vice versa. Hard with pets and full time jobs and social lives.
What is the best gift I’ve given you (physical gift, emotional support etc.)
Unwavering support.
When have you felt the most deeply connected in our relationship?
When we have best friend moments mixed in with romantic things. Big belly laughs with tears in the middle of a fancy dinner date kind of thing.
How can you tell when I need your support or that I’m struggling? Can you tell?
I can tell you need me when you aren't present. Which we've had a bit of a rollercoaster of this year. Not caring about things you normally like, not communicating. I can always tell. I wish I could always help.
What would your younger self think of our relationship?
She would be shocked at the connection. Grossed out by how we met. She would be stuck on how fat you let me get. She would love our inside jokes. She would feel relief that soon someone will look at her the way she sees you look at me.
What does vulnerability mean to you?
Just being honest or unguarded without fear of negative consequences.
What are the next steps you envision in our relationship? How can we support one another to get there?
I guess that our wedding is the tangible “next step”. Making more of an effort to actively start planning would be how to get there. So maybe putting planning time on the calendar or something. I would like to be better at that.
What are 5 things you appreciate the most about me?
1. Your compassion for other people, no matter who it is or how it might inconvenience you
2. Your seemingly infinite patience with me
3. How you let me be selfish when I need to be
4. You always try to make me feel better when I'm down
5. You're okay with being a bit whipped
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