#ladies gents and non-binary friends this is true genderfluidity

[sh9t9]

i started to read comics because of marvel rivals

and i quite like these loki designs c:

also, my hot take on straczynski's lady loki design? quite afraid to share it

[prinsesopdepingpongbal]

A talk about labels

Watching a couple of I Don’t Bi It videos, I kept thinking about why I chose the labels I use today. 

Alayna Fender explains bisexuality as the attraction to two groups of people, your own gender and other genders. Even when I started coming out as bi at age 19, I had discussions about this definition with my friend. We talked about how I felt that bi hinged on two genders and, being uneducated and problematic at the time, I categorised transgender as another gender (sorry). Even when I finally started coming out using a label, I knew I didn’t feel completely comfy using bisexual. I think biphobia might have contributed to my denying multiple attractions as a teenager. I basically paused exploring my orientation when I was 13, because I thought I would only be able to ‘know’ for sure after I went through puberty without all the raging hormones. I knew I had girlfriends as a child, but I always thought that was me either not getting how that worked or it didn’t count cause I was a child. 

As a teenager, I experienced attraction to multiple genders (there were no out non binary students at my school, but we did have a ton of queer and androgynous people) but I often ruled it out because of confusion around intersections of spectrum identities. Yes, I knew you could be bi, gay or hetero, but that was about the extent of it. I wasn’t really aware of gender identities or of sexuality (ace to allo sexual spectrum) which might have cleared somethings up for me at the time. I would have very strong feelings for a friend and have almost relationship like friendships, without feeling a strong internally driven need for romantic relationships. I liked the idea, but only from afar, from the perspective of somebody else. Me and my friends used to joke that I was just a gay man, because I would often crush on very effeminate, often queer, boys (oh honey if only you knew the possibilities that lay at your fingertips) But whenever I thought I was attracted to someone (beyond friendship feelings) I became so confused. I would think I had a crush on a girl, but I would rule it out because I thought I just wanted to be like her, have people be attracted to me like I was to her. Or I would have a crush on a boy, but didn’t feel the need to act on it and became hella intimidated thinking about physical intimacy. I would crush on boys and girls at the same time and be so confused, because yes you can like both but not at the same time, right?! (hi polyamory, nice to meet you) my feelings for one didn’t contradict the other, so I decided it must me friendship feelings then, or just thinking they were cool. So this brought a lot of confusion in my hormone riddled brain. I once even tried to start a rumour that I was gay, to get a girl’s attention, but it didn’t really catch on. When I joked about it to my friends they were like “yeah that’s not true I mean like you’re bi right?” And I would scoff and laugh and awkwardly leave being like “psh me nooooo why would you even think that???” #closeted

So at college I tried to be more open about my feelings, sharing my multi gender attraction without labelling myself as anything (which is totally fine, you don’t need a label) and at age 19, when I finally started to use bisexual as a label to define my orientation, I knew I would technically be categorised as pansexual. However, at the time I knew nobody who actually used that label, but in the back of my mind I knew that was the label I would eventually settle on. Funnily enough, this has happened more and more throughout my discovery journey, where I know I will eventually identify as something, even if I’m not there yet (such as with genderfluid and asexual spectrum identities). So when I was becoming more comfortable with being openly queer, still without ever dating a girl (which was something that made me mistrust my own feelings), I became more comfortable thinking of myself as possibly pansexual. I became more interested and involved with the transgender community, through friends and fiction, without realising I might have been not-cis myself, I started to see the importance of using pan as a prefix. For me it emphasised the attraction to non-binary, gender variant and transgender people, which I discovered I had a preference for. So now whenever I told someone I was attracted to anyone (boys, girls, whatever) and they would label me (so you’re bi) I would actually correct them (well pan, yeah) instead of just going along with it (I guess). 

Nowadays I like the fact I use the prefix pan, because it’s less known and potentially hides the full meaning of the word, to me at least. I use panromantic, but see it as being under the bisexual umbrella (even though that umbrella should be the multi attraction umbrella). I like the idea of using bi meaning two groups of people, own and other gender, but I thing that might have never worked for me, seeing as I still don’t know what my gender is and who I would categorise as my own gender and other genders. I don’t know exactly what sets pan apart from bi, because for me it’s not being indifferent to somebody’s gender. But I guess I do see bisexuality, at least in head canon, as being more static and direct (like John Watson really likes women and really likes men, he is determined 50/50 (or 100/100) and is secure in his identity, the pool contains both, ladies on the left, gents on the right, and he fishes them out) whereas pansexuality is more of a constant state of fluidity, looking at everyone but possibly experiencing more attraction to one group depending on the situation, being flexible and open (like Dorian Gray, who keeps following his heart and walking after beautiful people, immersed in the pool of gender and being led by experience, instead of fixed preference). 

Like a stupid analogy would be like bisexuals like both sweet and savoury meals and pansexuals like all food and eat intuitively, maybe not even stopping to think about it being sweet or savoury, but definitely liking certain foods because they are sweet or savoury. Queer means you like food, but it doesn’t state any of your preferences. Polysexuality could be you like most foods, but with a few expections, like everything but spicy food, just not your thing. 

So that’s where my brain goes when I watch Youtube videos. I like looking back on this stuff and seeing when and why I made the choices I made and how it has shaped me as a person.