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#landscape due in part to capitalism and in part to own mistakes and selfish actions. and i truly feel like my tumblr mutuals are the only
pepprs
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1 year
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idk how to reconcile my new self with my old self. also i fucking hate waiting. GRAGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
#delete later
#im getting a taste of my own medicine bc when im overwhelmed depressed etc i don’t even open emails or dms or whatever and then ifeel guilty
#and let them build up and run away from them and literally do not reply for years. but ive been waiting for like 5 different but related
#replies for 3ish days at this point and im soooooo impatient omg i want to bash my head into the wall.. and afaik no one i messaged has
#opened the message despite being active online elsewhere which is EXACTLY what i do so i have no right to complain at all. but still. omggg
#i just have a simple question (me and the ps5 voice) reply to my message boy
#purrs
#also.. ok yeah im gonna be honest about it even if there are consequences lol. idk why im on such a mission to get back all my old
#characters but if i don’t i can and will go crazy. i don’t even do that kind of thing anymore and d*viantart is an irreversibly warped
#landscape due in part to capitalism and in part to own mistakes and selfish actions. and i truly feel like my tumblr mutuals are the only
#ones who understand me and feel safe and cozy on here. but i miss my old internet home. and i really miss my old internet friends and seeing
#all the jokes we had and how we were all like interconnected w the same adopt groups and stuff and now we don’t even talk… it makes me so
#sad and i feel weird messaging them just for the purpose of asking if they can give me back characters i gave them 4 years ago like a) you j
#just don’t do that kind of thing i don’t think but b) it feels so transactional and would make the part of saying hey our friendship was
#important to me when i was a teenager and even though we don’t talk anymore i think of you fondly and wish you well. like lollllll. and i
#feel cringe even tracking them down / messaging them bc we are all jn our 20s now… embarrassing. but i am so mad at myself for letting those
#friendships wither (not that i have the spoons to sustain them these days anyway but still) and for not keeping bettr track of my characters
#when i sold them and for giving them up in the first place and for letting my old internet life just fall apart due to neglect bc it puts me
#in a bind to try to piece it together again no matter how i try it and i shouldn’t try anyway. but i am so tempted to rn. lol
#* itd make saying stuff abt appreciating friendship weird bc there’s a transaction tied in (source: i did this and feel weird and bad)
#like the way i want to SCREAM seeing that dA ate all of the journals i made when i was a 14 year old and turned them into glitched polls. th
#the way the wayback machine has terrible unreliable records of everything and i can never get some stuff back / track some stuff down. pain
#anyways it’s stupid bc i feel cozy and listened to and as connected as i have the energy to be to all of u guys so why am i doing this. but
#i miss the dA stuff too and i wish it wasn’t cringe and i wish i could have everything that’s ever been part of me all in one place. lol
#also this doesn’t even take into account my poetry community on dA on my other account who i also felt so safe and cozy with and i abandoned
#that too and lost touch with basically everyone even though we all knew each others deepest secrets for years.. the heartsickness of it all
#anyways mutuals who knew me on deviantart i am clutching both your hands with impassioned urgency and kissing u on the cheeks. that’s all
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