#lav is pathetically lovesick

[3-lavender]

Hiii! I’m Lavender :)

DNI:

Transphobes

Homophobes of any kind: Gay, Bi, Pan, Les, Ace, Aro, etc.

Misogynists

Racists

Creeps who get off on ED’s

Under 15

Any rudeness

PLEASE BLOCK NOT REPORT I AM IN NO WAY PRO. I HATE THIS ILLNESS WITH ALL OF MY BEING.

<3 I’m trying my best to recover and fix my mental health currently <3

BACKUP ACCOUNT:

Welcome to my mind :)

This blog is literally just my thoughts. There will be a lot of rants. There’s occasionally happy or just kinda positive things.

Things I WON’T do

Put my weight or calories

Body checks

Fatspo

Tips that aren’t for safety reasons

Things I WILL do

Quotes

Pinterest pictures

Rants

Random thoughts

Share my favorite songs

Stuff about my ED/Mental Health

Answer asks

Answer messages, but I get anxious so I might be a little slow answering, but I will answer

A teensy but of thinspo, mostly reblogs

Damage reduction advice

Memes

Some things about me <3

You can call me Lavender or Lav

My favorite color is pink

I’ve been dealing with this for over a year now

I love music

I love poetry

My favorite food is peaches 🍑

I’m a Taurus

I post so much

I struggle with a lot of Mental Health stuff but I don’t know what specifically

I love reading

Thinking is so fun to me, when I’m in control of my thoughts

I hate winter

I have pets cats who I love so much

I want to travel the world

I hope to recover and be mentally stable one day

I’m queer

[3-lavender]

Okay well he hasn’t texted me all day so I guess I have my answer. We’ve been texting daily for the past three weeks and it’s not like I was starting every conversation but this time I just decided to not start another one or send him all the TikTok’s I thought he’d like because the past few days his texting just seemed like he was forcing it. Idk I’m sad but like also glad I didn’t start another conversation bc I don’t want him to text me just because he feels obligated to. We’ll see if he texts me at all this next week and a half I’m gone. I might send him a TikTok or something next week bc I don’t want him to think I don’t want to talk to him but I also feel like I’ve made it pretty obvious I want to talk to him. Idk we’ll see

[3-lavender]

😭😭😭

Oh my god

I’m going feral

We made out like full on

Oh my god i really like him

I had to go home and i was like i can’t look at you and he said “i know i just want to kiss your face”

OH MY GOD

DOES HE THINK I’M PRETTY 👹👹👹

Dude

Dude

Brother

Bro

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Omgomgomgomgomgomg

I like slow kissing more but I’m pretty sure he likes quicker kissing

I really want to kiss him again

I really really reallyyyyy want to

He’s gonna be gone for two weeks tho 😭😭😭

[3-lavender]

I feel comfortable and giddy around him. I hope he feels the same around me

[3-lavender]

Omg omg omg omg omg omg omg omg

I have such a crush it’s crazy 😭😭😭😭

We talked for like 2 hours in his car. Literally just talking. Like it was so nice. Omgggggggg

I don’t know if he likes me as more then a friend or not tho 😭😭😭😭

Okokok he’s my coworker right and so today at work we were talking and I look over and our other coworker whos also my friend is looking at us with a weird look and I’m like “what” smiling cuz I smile a lot when at work. And she just looks away. But but but later in the night she comes up to me and says “you and ___ were hardcore flirting”. OMG like i didn’t think we were flirting cuz that’s just how we always talk to each other omg. I feel giddy. This is crazy. I need to get more details like wtf. I’m literally clueless I think. I smile a crazy amount around him like it’s genuinely wild idk.

I feel so blushy 🤭🤭🤭

[3-lavender]

I need opinions bc my mind is fighting with itself.

So the girl I kinda talk about on here, I don’t know how she feels about me. Do I annoy her, does she like me, is she indifferent? I’m just tired of my mind going back and forth on this. My social anxiety definitely doesn’t help in how I perceive our interactions. So I need opinions.

So we go to church together and were on a rugby team together. During practice, we couldn’t really talk so we didn’t talk much but sometimes she’d give me a ride and we’d talk then. We’d talk a lot but it was always a little awkward bc I’m awkward and I think she’s a little awkward too. Except occasionally it wasn’t that awkward and that was nice. It’s always fun to talk to her. There was this one time that we were waiting for another girl to pick up for like 10 minutes (she didn’t end up coming and didn’t know we were waiting lol) and we just talked the whole time. We mainly talked about texting and how we don’t really know how to bc people will think you’re mad if you do or don’t do things and yada yada. Anyways, it was nice. So we always talked when she’d give me rides, I noticed that it was always easier to talk to her when it was just the two of us. Idk why. Then at church, it took awhile but we started talking more. Today, I was brave and sat next to her and we talked and yeah. She was really tired though so she was like falling asleep. But it was really nice because I spent like the whole hour before seeing her sick to my stomach from anxiety about talking to her because I think she’s really fun and cool and pretty so I automatically get more anxious around her. It’s annoying. Last week in church she showed me her prom pictures and I showed her mine and she said I looked pretty but she sounded a little awkward or like she was just saying it bc it’s what you’re supposed to say idk, it still made me happy lol. We watched a play for a church activity and we sat together and talked and she said stop making me laugh bc I was apparently making her laugh. That also made me happy. Afterwards, we made paper airplanes out of the program and threw them but mine sucked. She told me she got a job and said I should work there. She said it two different times. I told her about a gym membership thing and she said we should work out together but another time, she brought it up in a group and said that they should all work out together. So it’s like, she’s just a really outgoing person I think and I’m nothing special, so does she even consider us friends? We text pretty often but pretty much just the game pigeon games on iPhone but I think she texts everyone the games bc she mentioned doing it with another girl she’s not really friends with. Three days ago, I saw her at a rugby thing and got dog spit on her hand and wiped it on me and I chased her trying to get it back on her and then I tripped and scraped my knee and then accidentally got blood on her shirt and I feel really bad still hah. I felt like I probably annoyed her after that. Sometimes, she leaves without talking too me and I can usually tell something’s up, like she’s tired or has a headache or something. But, the thing is, i don’t know if she actually likes being around me. I don’t know if she considers us friends. I don’t know if she actually wanted me to work with her because I really want to work with her but don’t want to seem weird. I just don’t know.

[3-lavender]

Okay so I’ve decided I’m over him. Genuinely. I know this is like the fourth post of me saying this, but I genuinely want to get over him. I feel icky liking him especially bc he doesn’t like me back and barely even talks to me if I don’t talk to him first. I put in so much effort to just be his friend and even that isn’t really working. I’m putting so in much effort and the issue is sometimes he puts in effort but sometimes it’s like he doesn’t want to see me ever again. The warm cold treatment is making me feel crappy and it’s not his fault he doesn’t like me it’s not my fault he doesn’t like me. He just doesn’t like me and that’s fine. I need to recognize that it’s genuinely fine and I need to stop putting in so much effort now. I tried. I really did. I tried so long and so much. But this unequal effort has made me tired so yeah I’m done. If not like we ever had anything anyways so I feel stupid making such a big deal out of it. But idk it feels important to recognize I guess.

[3-lavender]

I’m gonna puke I’m so scared. Today I’m gonna talk to my coworker and see if I did anything and why he’s suddenly acting different towards me. I feel dramatic and like it’s gonna make things weird, but rn I’m so confused and just need closer and it’s already weird bc he’s acting so different around me so I might as well just adress it ig.

[3-lavender]

Fuckkkkkkkkkk I reallyyy thought I was over her. But I always want to talk to her and we stand really close and she makes me happy. I know her way better now and I’d say we’re good friends now so it’s less painful bc we’re actually friends and it’s not like I’m fighting for her to like me as a person.

[3-lavender]

I want to tell him I miss him but I’m too scared lol.

[3-lavender]

I miss him. We talked about things and he’s not sure he wants a relationship right now. So we’re cooling things off until he decides. I’ve barely messaged him. There’s so much that I’ve wanted to send him but haven’t because I need to let him think. I miss him so much.

[3-lavender]

We hung out again. Omg I feel so blushy. I really really really like him. Idk it seems like he genuinely cares about my comfort and everything. We built a little snowman and looked at the stars again. Then we sat in the back seat of his car so I could try to braid his hair. It kind of worked out. Then we really just talked and talked and talked. Eventually I was letting my head on his stomach and his arm eventually wrapped around my front and we just kinda laid like that and talked and talked and talked. Then we kinda just laid in silence for 10 minutes cuz we were tired and had to leave in ten minutes. Idk. The time went off and neither of us moved for a minute. I didn’t want to move. I’m hoping we’re able to hangout again tmr and watch a bunch of movies or something. Idk I just really like him.

[3-lavender]

AHHHHHHHHH I ASKED HIM ON A DATE!!!! WERE GOING ON A DATE!! I DONT KNOW HOW TO FEEL. I FEEL ICKY LIKING HIM.

We’re complete opposites. Like complete opposites and I’m so confused as to why he likes me. We have the same name which is weird. He’s weird, but I’m also weird. And it’s not weird in a bad way or anything it’s just weird. I don’t know. I like him and think he’s really cute. But like ahhhhh I’m scared. Idk. I’m feeling a lot.

[3-lavender]

I’m so confused 😭😭 he’s literally so cute and I like talking to him but like do I like him yk? Today I saw him in the hall and went up to him end without really thinking it through I held my arms out for a hug. Bro I felt so bad. I love hugging people but I was worried he didn’t want to hug me. But he hugged me back and we talked and then before he left he hugged me so I figure he’s fine with hugging idk. But idk it made me kinda happy and I think his smiles adorable. Soooo yeah idk

[3-lavender]

I’m so confused rn. I went on a date with this kid and I didn’t like him, barely knew him but thought he was funny. But now we’ve been talking more and texting and I think he’s cute now. Like wtf happened. He’s absolutely not my type personality or looks wise but I think he’s so cute now like wth. I’m not being rude but he’s got the homeschooled personality if that makes sense cuz he’s homeschooled and he just like doesn’t really act like a teenager? Idk how to explain it. He’s weird but I’m also weird but we’re weird in different ways. Actually we’re like opposites and I think he likes me, at least as a friend which also confuses me cuz we’re total opposites. I’m so confused. I don’t know if I like him as more than a friend tho.

[3-lavender]

So I went on my first date two days ago. It was a double date set up by a girl I go to church with and don’t really know that well. But she had a guy who’s in choir with me and also has the same name as me ask me out. We made pizza and just hung out. I thought it was pretty fun. I like talking to the guy but I don’t know if I like him that way. Also for some reason a lot of people don’t like him. Like one guy almost quit choir bc of him. I don’t really know why nobody likes him. I don’t know him that well to be honest. He’s weird in a nerdy way and says interesting stuff that most teenage boys don’t say or think about but like I don’t get why ppl wouldn’t like him bc of that. So maybe it’s something else idk ab. I think he’s sweet and fun to talk to and we’re like complete opposites so I’m suprised he talks to me honestly cuz his personality is kinda arrogant so maybe that’s why ppl don’t like him, but he’s pretty chill ab stuff other people are doing he just has high standards for himself I think and shares those standards with everyone. And I talk a lot ab stupid shit and I do stupid shit so I’m surprised he doesn’t dislike me yet lol. I guess we’ll see. I don’t even know if he likes me that way. Idk. We’ll see.