#least fuckable batman villains

[batmanisagatewaydrug]

compiled your nominations. everyone please clap for the least fuckable villains in Gotham.

[puzzlekinq]

ok so we know the riddler is perhaps the most fuckable batman villain. who's the least fuckable?

the joker. he is a sexless being to me. i would not fuck the joker. i dont know anyone who would fuck the joker. nobody wants to fuck the joker. if you want to fuck the joker explain your reasoning because i honestly cannot imagine him ever having sex he is a vile ball of disgusting mush in my eyes

[quandaryqueen]

Allrighty since u like them too, could we get some fluffy soulmate AUs for BTAS, YJ and Arkhamverse riddlers ?? 😌 (u can also add music meister to that bunch - idk anything abt him from the top of my head but seems like a funky lad)

If you could, maybe make the S/O a new and promising villain?? That's all. Do what u want! Have fun!

Chasing Romance

Edward Nygma X Villain Reader

More soulmate au's!

Music Meister's Soulmate au is written already, so I present you this fic of him.

💚 Young Justice

So in this realm, the first thing you say to your soulmate when you meet is tattooed on your body at your coming of age. Once you meet your soulmate, the tattoo fades and boom now you have your soulmate.

Silver thread I weave. Silver thread I tread. What am I? - is on your arm.

What's on Eddie's?

Fuck me!

Needless to say, Edward blushes at the prospect of his soulmate screaming that. He is a touch embarrassed and often hides his soulmate tattoo, though at least he knows he is fuckable for someone to scream that.

Though, he didn't expect it was this particular context wherein someone had finally exclaimed the phrase.

It was supposed to be your first heist, but some asshat decided to hijack your operation and opted to perform theatrics, effectively upstaging you. Cane twirling under the spotlight and all. Your eye was twitching whilst your hands shook beside you.

How dare this pompous asswipe topple over your months-worth of planning as if this were the only spot in Gotham?

"Silver thread I weave. Silver thread I tread. What am I?"

... It's your soulmate. Fucking hell this was your soulmate. And the answer was spider.

"OH FUCK ME!" You exclaimed after slamming your head against the bottom of your palm.

Edward was mutually distraught, dropping his cane in a panic as he frantically unbutton his cuff and roll his sleeves down. His arm was void of the phrase printed on it. In his shock, he doesn't hear you rant.

"I know I'm supposed to love you, that we're destined together or some shit, but what the hell man! I've been trying to cultivate my villain persona for months! Can't you just... Go to another bank? Jesus Christ."

💚 Batman the animated series

Switching bodies at a certain time and will only swap back once they meet each other.

Now imagine waking up with sore joints from sleeping on a desk, in the middle of the cold, stand to about 6 foot tall or so. On the aforementioned desk, where paper work is scattered about your soulmate's grand scheme...

Well what a coincidence, you also happen to be designing your plans for your upcoming debut as a rogue in Gotham! And Edward wakes up in your body. Oh he was absolutely curious about his soulmate and he took in all that he can see in your living space. There's your interests lying about, notes about them in your upcoming meeting. Oh he couldn't be more elated that you were planning to be a rogue! And he is more than willing to help you with your identity!

After curiously prodding with a new body, he sees your plans littered on your desk as well. In Edward 'The Riddler' Nygma fashion, finished those plans for you and decided to act upon it in chance of meeting you and getting his body back.

Why can't he just drive a car to his address? Well where's the fun in that?

So seeing your body act a different brand of uncharacteristical dramatics, you took to the scene of the crime in his body and it didn't take long for him to spot you in the crowd and finally meet you. With this, you return to your bodies and he helps you with your best first heists! Though it's borderline back seat driving, he was just excited to commit more crimes with you!

💚 Arkhamverse

A soulmate AU wherein you are marked and can feel your soulmate's injuries... It is not looking good for you.

Let's say you are mindful of your body, avoiding risks of injuring yourself to the point that stubbing your toe was a rare occurrence and you would take care of yourself for the sole purpose of making sure your soulmate doesn't feel a thing. Every accidents you have are immediately treated by you if it's minor enough, but you didn't want them to be inconvenienced with your doing.

Your soulmate, on the other hand...

Well let's see; He doesn't eat in time causing you to feel hunger, he barely sleeps and boy no amount of sleep can recover from the heavy bags under your eyes, small cuts and bruises would litter random locations on your body, mainly around the arms and legs... Then there were the worst ones like the feeling of being choked, punched/kicked in the face... Yeah.

As an upstart villain, you were getting into your very first meeting with other rogue's... And once you saw the Riddler up close with his habits and appearance, you knew.

The first thing you did was to pinch yourself on youe side, below your ribcage just to make sure it was him. It was him, he flinched and cursed his soulmate, oblivious that it was the rogue at his proximity giving him dagger eyes. Continuing to glare at him, you slam your knee on a table, catching others attention, including him where he finally puts two and two together.

"You...!" Oh he had to audacity to act as though you were majorly inconveniencing him with intentional injuries.

Not a good start for soulmates, but there were certainly changes that you were positive to reinforce. Eight hour sleep was one of them.

[batmanisagatewaydrug]

Condiment King. He insists on bringing the condiments to bed and trying to use them as lube.

[batmanisagatewaydrug]

who's the least fuckable Batman villain?

this isn't a poll you just have to tell me your answer and explain if you want. no wrong answers, don't start fights about this. go go go.

[batmanisagatewaydrug]

harley because i feel like she would be annoying as fuck and her coochie is probably weird. like she probably split dyes her pubes

THAT'S where you draw the line for pussy being too weird? you're weak and will not survive the winter. split dye pube girls hit me up

[batmanisagatewaydrug]

I wanted to make a joke about how poison ivy is most unfuckable bc fucking her would give one pussythelioma but then i was like hold on is there a better batman villain to make this joke about, like, "asbestos man" or something? and then i was joking about going on the internet and lying and goncharoving a fake batman rogue to everyone and then out of curiosity i googled "asbestos comic book" and it turns out there is both an Asbestos Man and Asbestos Lady, however they were both marvel characters so i cant make a joke about them being the most unfuckable batman rogues for pussythelioma reasons. anyway i agree with a number of previous askers about hugo strange and the riddler and scarecrow and babydoll. unfortunately im only barely a batmancasual so i dont know enough of the rogues to have fun answers. sorry for poison ivy slander i dont avtually think she is unfuckable except for the contact dermatitis. but perhaps with like, a condom, other protections, that could be avoided? sorry for telling you this hope you have a good day i enjoy your blog a lot! bye

oh my god Asbestos Man... the man of asbestos...

[batmanisagatewaydrug]

im a bottom im not remotely interested in bane’s hole. steriod dick is the end all be all for me here

I respect your candor

[batmanisagatewaydrug]

scarecrow with the getup on would be a sensory nightmare but I think with it off he’d be worse. like he’d he the kind of guy to kiss you with eyes wide open and he’d stop to take notes about how you responded to different stimuli. and not in a sexy way. he knows the average amount of time it takes the average person to reach orgasm and he makes comments if you’re more than a minute off the mean.

sorry I've had Cillian Murphy Scarecrow on the brain lately and thinking about that little freak trying to kiss you with his terrifying otherworldly blue peepers wide the fuck open boring into your soul is. hoo boy. whole basket of heebie jeebies.

also re: that last comment meet me in the pit scareboy!!!

[batmanisagatewaydrug]

Idk if this is a hot take or not but Joker is the most utterly unfuckable villian, not because he's a shity murder clown or because he's obsessed with batman and the only way he'll cum is by pretending you're batman, but because he's going to ruin the moment by pulling some squirtgun flower dick bullshit and I'm all for being silly during sex but that only works when you're actually funny.

WOW get his ass. Joker found dead in Miami etc

[batmanisagatewaydrug]

I had to go to a clinic to give a semen sample for medical reasons today (dw everything's fine) and I made the mistake of opening tumblr on the bus ride over and reading the fun torrent of opinions that is your inbox rn, so the entire time I was in the Medically Designated Jerk Off Room browsing their deeply mediocre selection of mid 2000s porn, I had to fight so hard not to be ranking different batman villains by fuckability. Or dwelling on their fuckability at all, honestly.

That said: Black Mask. I'm only really aware of the first, but realistically probably the second too. Bad Vibes and i assume the mask would not be conducive to a lot of sex acts. Solomon Grundy also doesn't seem capable of consent? And someone's probably already made this joke but condiment king feels like a yeast infection waiting to happen.

sorry I'm. I'm so sorry I just. this is the funniest word picture anyone has painted in my inbox. jesus christ.

anyway I concur on all points but Black Mask doesn't think the mask is an issue at all because there's no way that man eats out

[batmanisagatewaydrug]

Joker is least fuckable both for the usual reasons and what if he turns my wiener into a balloon dog :( I don’t like that

two separate people have cited that exact concern about the Joker and I don't know what to say about that

[batmanisagatewaydrug]

For most unfuckable rogue?

Condiment Man. Because you KNOW the condiments are coming out and the amount of sheer mess would leave you cleaning it up for a longer amount of time than actually spent fucking.

Is that mayo? Is that something else? Who knows?

However, Condoms and Condiments aside, the Music Meister is also unfuckable but that's because he'd boggart the sex playlist and likely insist on roleplaying in the bedroom but with how fast he changes outfits based on his whims you'd likely lose the plot.

not much I can say about Condiment Man because everyone seems to have the same hang-ups about him (understandably) but the idea that the Music Meister can only get off roleplaying a medley of famous broadway performances. good lord.

[batmanisagatewaydrug]

oh, the suicide squad (2016) joker would be a absolute shit tier fuck (despite the unhinged vibes and also the clown thing) cause he gives off the vibes of an Edgy Guy (TM) who tells you he’s a Hard Dominant but, alas, radiates every possible red flag in Very Bad Kink Practices (you know the type) and only gets off to the sound of his own monologues. 0/10 and it would be 1/10 for the inherent eroticism of risk but i consider the “Disappointed Cause You Hoped For At Least Illicit Fun Freak Shit” factor to be an automatic minus 1 in charisma :((( rancid vibes bro.

this is sort of a free verse poem. to me.

[batmanisagatewaydrug]

Everyone talks about how unfuckable the Joker is but what about Punchline? She's basically a terminally online edgy tumblr stan and discourse blogger which is just inherently unfuckable

here's the thing I loooooove Punchline I think she's such a funny concept but it would be like trying to have sex with sixpenceee

[batmanisagatewaydrug]

Controversial, I'm sure, but Poison Ivy. Not because she isn't hot or because I wouldn't like to fuck her, but she would be hell on my allergies and I would be itchy, sneezing, and miserable for days after. It's just not worth it

outta my way allergy boy I brought benadryl