#lesbian crab triplets

[spinningintheshadows]

Damn @teelagurl558 just coming for @microplasticsubmarine’s throat in the group chat

[microplasticsubmarine]

[springvaletales]

((Session Five is wrapped!))

“Who hasn’t killed a couple of vampire leaders in their life?”

Thiori: *starts to raise his hand, thinks harder, and then lowers his hand*

“Baglby, with his garlic-infused arrows, did a LOT of the damage.”

“Thiori solo-ed, like, two of them!”

“Catches-No-Fish talked about a snake lady that he thought was cute, but she’s a lesbian so he has no chance.”

I panicked and forgot how far the party’s magical trinkets could track the DMPCs, so now Haaruma is in the vampire den. 

We can turn the final city into a red herring or something I don’t know.

“I found these shoes under the bed. Are they snake lady’s?”

“Snake lady does not have human feet, so no.”

“…are they made of snakeskin?”

The party left the inn through a trapdoor in the floor, but Vashael got his horns stuck in the hole, and couldn’t squeeze through.

Vashael got left at the inn like a naughty dog in a crate, with Catches-No-Fish as a lookout, while the party investigated the rest of the town.

“Are we going into a sewer?!”

“Every good story has a sewer level.”

“I’m now wishing I’d given Thiori gills.”

“Do you really want to be breathing poop water?”

“….that’s a fair point.”

The players spent about eight minutes wondering if the magical tracking figurine gave off dim light, if that would affect one PC’s dark vision, and whether or not it was safe to light torches going into the sewer.

Baglby tried to cast Sleep on the party when the monk and the warlock asked for a short rest to restore ki points and spell slots.

It did not work.

The Bloodhunter lost the mutagen they’d been using, but gained a new one, and the players talked for another three minutes on the merits of the options.

Baglby searched around for any messages in Thieves Cant in the area, but rolled low, and found a dick carved into the wall.

He carved a ‘happy little plant’ coming out of the dick.

“We’re winning Dungeons & Dragons, guys!”

“I’ll-wear-shoes-when-I-die” Ena put on shoes before climbing into the sewer.

The party semi-ambushed the vampires holding Haaruma hostage, and Baglby - instead of attacking - dashed around the battle to open the cage and free Haaruma.

Haaruma rolled super-low, so sh just saw three Hobgoblins at the door and thought “yoooooo, triplets…!”

August rolled highest of the initiative, and ground one vampire’s face into the grimy sewer tiles.

Thiori rolled a high enough perception check to recognize three NPCs in the cage from their shopping trip earlier, but Baglby was able to confirm that they were unbitten, and just unconscious.

“You throw Haaruma over your shoulder, and she just hangs there, like wet spaghetti.”

“If you chug that potion of healing as fast as you can, I’ll give you the full d4 plus 2, because that would be funny.”

“What are you, twelve?!”

“K-kinda, yeah.”

“….wait, WHAT?!”

“You keep throwing children at us!”

“Then stop making it funny for me to give you kids!”

“INTIMIDATE THE CHILD!”

New NPC: Tyr, a twelve year old tiefling who may or may not be a vampire.

Vashael has been stuck in the inn trapdoor, listening to Catches-No-Fish argue the pros and cons of fishing equipment, but ripped his way out of the inn (destroying the floor) when Baglby brought Haaruma up from the sewers.

Haaruma only pointed at him and asked “Why the fuck are you so big?!”

I almost killed Thiori by stabbing him with a fork and a desperate vampire. If I kill the crab man with a fork I will LOSE IT-

“Thiori, you know you can disengage, right? You don’t HAVE to stand there, getting stabbed by a fork.”

One of the vampires escaped into the sewers in bat form. She’ll be a surprise tool that will help me later.

Every single one of us forgot what the Surgeons Orb of Feathers that I gave August earlier in the campaign did, so we decided that, when impacted against a living being, the orb deals one point of bludgeoning damage and THEN heals you for 2d8.

Thiori took the orb, and smashed it into his own face. I gave him full points for the power move.

He then got stabbed by the fork again.

Vampire: *licks the fork he’s been stabbing the Bloodhunter with*

Vampire: *immediately gags*

Bloodhunter: Well that’s fucking rude.

The child got some revenge by biting the leg of one of the vampires, and did more damage in one turn than anyone else.

“How’s that fork working for you now?!”

Baglby put one of the vampires to sleep with such a major difference between the spell strength and the vampire’s remaining health that he fell over in a coma, smashed his face on the floor, and died. Again.

“What does it matter if they all die? They’re vampires! Who cares about vampires? Just think of how many orphans we’ve saved!”

“We care about the one under the table who can hEAR YOU!”

“Thiori would like to slav-squat down and comfort the child.”

“Somehow, he rolled lower than you. He believes you.”

The party was able to determine that Tyr was not, in fact, actually a vampire. His red eyes just make him look like one. Marvel: What If? fans know exactly what he looks like.

Despite Thiori being the most terrifying member of the party, he has adopted Tyr, the tiefling child. Asahi and Ena, who also wanted to adopt the child, are upset.

[spinningintheshadows]

The lesbian crab triplets, but it gets progressively worse. (Part one)

[spinningintheshadows]

What people think a girls group chat talks about: boys, make up, etc.

What a girls group chat really is: *photo of pet* LOOK AT THIS FAT BASTARD

[spinningintheshadows]

18, 28, 33 with your fav ship of all time 💖💖 love u crab

You’re going to make me pick my favorite ship?? Key why would you make this so hard 😭😭

I’m doing buddie because I love the gay firefighters bye

18. Who is a cat person / Who is a dog person?

Hmm. Buck is the golden retriever man so I say he is a dog person, but Eddie screams cat person.

28. Who is the book worm?

Evan “Buck” Buckley is a giant nerd and we all know it. He is Spencer reid level nerd and won’t admit it so I say him.

33. Who would wear “not guilty” T shirt / Who would wear “sin” T shirt?

You see the answer to 18? Just flip them, there’s your answer

Love you too crab 🦀

[spinningintheshadows]

I just want @teelagurl558 to know that @canyoudigyourman encouraged my coffee consumption this morning

[spinningintheshadows]

For the last week I have been closing in on @microplasticsubmarine’s book count for 2023. Today, I dethroned them.

[spinningintheshadows]

Me: foaming at the mouth over Eddie Diaz

@microplasticsubmarine: I understand nothing but as you should friend

[spinningintheshadows]

I present to you all, the official “Fun Dip Fan Club” flag.

[spinningintheshadows]

Formal apology to my wife @teelagurl558 for the people me and @canyoudigyourman turn into at 12:00 am when the new all time low album drops because she will be listening to us screech for an hour before she can screech with us ❤️

[spinningintheshadows]

The world isn’t ready for me @teelagurl558 and @canyoudigyourman together (Hopefully soon)

[spinningintheshadows]

hey my name is vix, I’m like the #1 Drew Starkey and Austin North fan, glitter & crimson makes me cry, my wife is my soulmate, and my cat eats everything I’ve ever loved. Oh, also, I crochet huge blankets and love Captain America’s ass almost as much as Bucky.

This sent me 😂. Spot on except I knit and not crochet

[spinningintheshadows]

The lesbian crab triplets but it gets progressively worse (pt two)

[spinningintheshadows]

29, 34, 43, 44 from the ask game I just reblogged 💖

29. How do you like your shower water?

Firey pits of hell

34. Is there a song you know every word to by heart?

….maam you know me and you know the answer to this is yes. Multiple

43. What’s your take on spicy foods?

Give me all the spice

44. You get a free pass to kill anyone, who is it?

……uhhhh I think I’ll just message this one discord

[spinningintheshadows]

Let’s just say a plan has been put into motion and I love making plans with my girlfriend to surprise my wife :-)