#let this be a lesson kids: just because you WANT to drink alfredo sauce like soup doesn't mean you're not lactose intolerant :D

[phoenixiancrystallist]

Day 259, Bereft got some final tweaks and a full ink job :D

Up next: Redoing Fierce, Curious, and Disgusted

[machihunnicutt]

Small Hot Chocolate, No Whip (Chapter 3)

(Or read on ao3.)

Chapter 3: Connor

When Connor arrived on Evan's doorstep Friday evening he couldn't shake the feeling that he'd chosen the entirely wrong outfit. Zoe's showcase was a semi-formal occasion (a fact which he informed Evan of via text to ease his mind.) Connor had never felt entirely comfortable dressing up. Dressing up brought up memories of agonizing family gatherings that included torturous amounts of sitting silently or smiling and nodding to strangers. He had a black suit jacket and white dress shirt on. A tie wasn't happening, neither were dress pants since he looked passable in dark jeans. He was being a bit of a baby about it. It was a good distraction from his nerves surrounding his totally not a crush on Evan Hansen.

He knocked on the door and fiddled with his collar.

"Connor Murphy I presume?"

The guy in front of him was wearing a t-shirt and khaki pants and stared at him through a pair of smudged glasses.

"You must be Evan's roommate Jared. It's nice to meet you." Connor put on his friendliest smile and hoped it didn't look too stiff.

"Yeah," he said slowly. "Nice to finally meet the infamous Connor Murphy."

"Infamous?" Connor felt his palms sweat.

Jared's expression softened "Dude, I'm kidding. Come on in. Evan's just finishing getting ready."

Connor stood awkwardly in the hallway and Jared called up the stairs that he was here.

"Hey, seriously though," Jared began, walking over to the fridge and pulling a soda out of it. "He's...Evan's fragile. So don't mess with him or anything," Jared looked at him seriously. Evan hadn't said much about his roommate apart from the fact that they'd known each other since elementary school and that he had an odd sense of humor.

"I wasn't planning on it," he said. "We're just friends," He added because of the look Jared was giving him.

Jared nodded. "In any case he's sensitive. He's great but he's sensitive," Jared took a long sip of his Mountain Dew. "And he's my best friend so..."

"Of course," Connor said. "I'd never fuck with him or anything. I'm not...I know I don't look it but I'm not like that."

"Don't tell him I told you any of that though," Jared muttered. Connor nodded, trying to hide his smile. Jared Kleinman seemed like the kind of guy who cared a lot but pretended not to.

"Hey Connor!" Evan shouted from upstairs. "C-could you come up here for a second?"

Jared waggled his eyebrows. "Second door on the right."

"Thanks."

Evan's stairs creaked. He knocked on the door and Evan opened it immediately. "Do I look okay?" He said, voice leaping up an octave. He stepped back and motioned for him to come in. "I don't usually dress up so I was worried."

Evan's room was small: white walls with a poster with a picture of a forest and another with a world map his bed was unmade and covered in clothes and discarded hangers. His desk in the corner was cluttered with books and dirty coffee mugs.

"S-sorry it's such a mess."

"I like it," Connor said, grinning. He wondered what Evan would think of his room. That train of thought didn't seem healthy for ridding himself of his crush so he stopped. "And I like your outfit." Evan was in a blue button up and navy jacket that looked a little too small on him.

"Are you s-sure? Because I can change. It's not a big deal if I..."

"You look great Evan," he said. Evan blushed and looked down.

"Is Italian okay?"

"W-what?"

"For dinner? Is that okay?"  Connor stuck his hands in his pockets and rocked on his heels.

"Yeah, y-yeah that's great."

"Because if you'd rather go somewhere else it's fine." Damn, was he always this sweaty?

"No. It's not that," he blurted. "I'm just a little nervous."

"Don't be. You've got me.

"Okay," Evan said. "Cool, okay," he repeated.

"Okay," Connor laughed. "You ready to go?"

The restaurant had mood lighting. He wasn't that hungry but he stuffed his face with chicken alfredo to avoid staring at Evan Hansen like a lovestruck idiot.

Evan ate his eggplant parmesan like it was the best thing he'd ever eaten. He got some sauce on the corner of his mouth and Connorwaited awhile before he told him because he knew it was going to embarrass him.

Connor insisted on paying the bill, citing rich parents when Evan protested. They arrived at the showcase early. The performers were all lined up in the first three rows. Zoe sat in the third row, Alana behind her in the first row of general seating. Connor led Evan over to them.

"Evan this is Alana. Alana, Evan," he said. Evan smiled at her and extended a shaking hand. Connor wondered where Evan Hansen felt truly comfortable. He wanted to go somewhere where Evan's hands didn't shake and his voice was even and laced with honey sweet happiness.

"Nice to meet you Evan," Alana said. "I'm glad you came." Zoe turned around to smile at him too and repeated the sentiment.

"I'm third," she said, shifting the guitar that was balanced between her knees. Zoe was studying classical guitar at the moment, though it wasn't exactly her speed. She had been practicing a Spanish piece for the showcase in their living room. Connor knew she was kind of nervous but she was good at hiding it.

"You're going to do great," he said quietly, and the look on her face melted into something more genuine.

"Don't get all weird and brother-y on me dude."

"They've got refreshments in the back Alana said helpfully, getting up herself. I'm going to check with the camera guy and make sure everything's set up." This was a typical Alana intervention.

"Do you want something to drink Evan?"

"S-sure."

He watched Zoe and Evan from across the room as he grabbed two plastic cups of fruit punch. They were talking about something and Evan was blushing. He'd have to ask Zoe about it later.

The first performer was a saxophonist. He was quite good. Evan was leaning forward in interest. The next act was a ballet routine with several students from the dance program. Evan really liked that, he shifted over, shoulder brushing up against Connor's as he craned to see the whole stage. He looked over at him. His face was open and his eyes were shining. He bet Evan Hansen would be nice to kiss, especially if he looked like that. Stop it Murphy I swear to god.

Zoe took the stage and there was a moment of quiet as she collected herself, fingers poised over the strings. She looked at peace. Connorwas glad she'd decided to double major because though she wanted a job in psychology, she never looked happier than when she was surrounded by music. Her playing was effortless. Evan turned to him halfway through and just grinned. Alana was the first to start clapping when she finished. Connor whistled and Zoe shot him a look.

"That was great," Evan said as they walked out. Zoe and Alana had gone to grab a late dinner.

"It was," he agreed. "Do you want to get milkshakes?" He asked. It was getting kind of late but he didn't want the night to end.

"Absolutely," he said, more enthusiastically than he'd ever heard him. They went through the drive through at Dairy Queen. Connor got chocolate Evan got peanut butter. He turned up the radio and sipped as he drove. He stole glances at Evan at the ref lights. Once Evan caught him staring and instead of being weirded out or looking away he laughed, loud and breathless. Connor Murphy could fall in love with that laugh.

"Do you know how to dance Evan?" He asked hesitantly.

"N-no why do you ask?"

"No reason, it just seemed like you really liked the dancing."

Evan blushed again. "I did. I'm too clumsy for anything like that though."

"I took tap lessons from elementary to 8th grade," he admitted.

"Really? That's super cool."

Connor shrugged. "If you say so. You don't dance? Not even swaying? What did you do at prom?"

"I didn't go."

"Oh." He bit the inside of his mouth the way he always did when he'd said something really stupid. "I didn't either." He had been in the hospital getting his wrists stitched up during prom. He sucked in a breath "I uh...I'm kind of a loser. In case you hadn't realized."

"I don't think you're a loser," Evan said. "And if you are then I am too and we can be losers together."

Connor laughed. He didn't laugh a lot in high school. Most jokes were at his expense and he didn't even have loser friends to joke around with.

They pulled up in Evan's driveway and climbed the stairs to his porch. Jared had evidently left the light on for them.

"Hey Evan." He was feeling reckless.

"Yeah?"

"Do you wanna dance?"

"I-I told you. I c-can't dance."

"I'll show you, here." He reached out and took Evan's hand, guiding the other to his waist. "Just pretend there's music okay?"

"O-okay." They swayed slowly. Connor pulled him close and he smelled like lemon and lavender. After a second he started to hum. Evan laughed again. "I'm gonna step on your feet Con," he said.

"Con?" He raised an eyebrow.

"Oh...uh I'm sorry I..."

"Don't be," he said for what felt like the millionth time. He didn't mind. "You're my friend. I like nicknames."

Evan was looking at him funny, head tilted to one side. "Do you want to come in?"

Connor stole a glance at his watch. It was nearly 11:30. "You're sure?"

"It's fine is you just want to go home," he said quickly.

"No, no it's cool. It's just late. But if it's fine with you it's fine with me."

"We could um...watch a movie if you want? Have you seen Billy Elliot?"

Why did he have to be so fucking cute?

"You really like dancing don't you? I have but let's watch it anyway."

He didn't realize how fucked he was until he woke up on Evan Hansen's couch the next morning. His vision was blurry for a minute and he pushed his tangled hair out of his eyes before he realized that Evan was quite literally in his lap. He was fast asleep and Connor realized he was going to be late for work.

"Evan! You want toast?" Jared called from the kitchen. Evan woke with a start, head shooting up and nearly knocking his head on Connor's.

"Uh, yeah, okay!" He called back. "Shit I'm so sorry I fell asleep," he whispered harshly, turning to him.

Connor was disoriented for a second by Evan's cursing and the drool on his face. "It's okay," he said dumbly. "It's my fault too I shouldn't have..."

"How did things go with coffee boy? Did you profess your undying love?" Jared yelled from the kitchen.

Evan turned bright red. "Jared shut up please!"

"I should go. I'm going to be late for work so..."

"Yeah, definitely I-I'll see you later."

"Thanks for last night Hansen. I'll text you."

He bolted before Jared could see him.

***

It was the first of what turned out to be many movie nights. The next time they had it at Connor's place and watched the original Star Wars trilogy and ate Chinese food on his couch. Zoe sat with them for a little while and ended up going on about how Connor had a giant crush on Luke Skywalker when he was little. He shushed her before Evan laughed too hard.

They made it a weekly thing, switching off between their houses. Connor texted him every day and they ate lunch together whenever Evan came to the shop.

He walked him home in the snow a couple of times. Once he forgot his gloves and Evan offered him his. Before Connor could stop him he reached out for his hands to put him on him. He pushed his sleeves to see his wrists. Evan saw the scars he'd been carefully trying to hide for the month and a half they'd known each other. His heart was in his throat. Connor finished putting on the gloves and didn't meet his eyes.

"Thanks," he muttered.

"Hey...um, can we stop for a second?"

Connor stopped. His boots were old and let in the cold. If they stopped for too long his feet might freeze off. He turned to look at him.

"Look," he muttered. "I don't like to..."

"You remember when you asked about how I broke my arm?" Evan asked. His face was pale despite the cold and his eyebrows were furrowed.

"Yeah." He rubbed his wrist. Sometimes his scars itched when he thought about them too much.

"I didn't want to talk about it either. I um...my senior year things were really bad and I climbed a really tall tree and uh...I kind of let go and fell. I thought I was high enough up that I would die. My senior year I broke my arm trying to kill myself."

"Evan..."

"So you don't have to be embarrassed and I won't be weird about it. You're my friend. And I don't want secrets between us when there don't have to be." Evan fumbled for Connor's hand and took it in his own. His jaw was tight and his bottom lip wobbled like he was going to cry.

"I think you're really nice Connor Murphy."

"It was two and a half years ago Hansen. I'm okay."

"Are you sure?" He sniffled. Fuck, he was crying.

"Evan I meant it I'm..."

"I don't know what I'd do if you were gone Con. I just don't know what I'd do." His breathing was sharp and Connor leaned in to hug him before he could stop himself. He held him tight, burying his face in his neck.

"I'm sorry. If I could go back I'd change it. I'm sorry Evan. I don't know what I'd do if you were gone either."

Connor's feet were frozen. His chest felt hot. He hadn't really talked about the scars lining his wrists with anyone outside of Zoe and his therapist. He'd come close with his mom but they weren't quite there. It hadn't been that long ago when he really thought about it.

"We should go. I'm cold," he said.

"Do you wanna come over and talk a little?" Evan asked.

"Yeah."

***

"Okay bro we need to talk," Zoe leaned on the counter and stared him down as he tried to cook dinner.

"About what pray tell?"

"Small hot chocolate no whip."

"Fuck you."

"Why don't you just tell him how you feel? All you two do is stare at each other lovingly."

"He has a crush on you remember?" Connor poked at the scrambled eggs in his pan with a spatula. It was breakfast for dinner night. "I don't want to talk about it," he said sharply.

"Do you think maybe you jumped to conclusions? I mean he never said he..."

"I said I didn't want to talk about it Zoe."

"I know you don't like putting yourself out there but..." He turned around to look at her. "You deserve to be happy Connor. That sounds dumb but sometimes I feel like you don't know that."

"The eggs are done."

"Think about it."

He didn't want to think about it. He wanted it to go away.

A week later Evan came over to make cookies with him: peanut butter because it was Evan's favorite. He had dough on his nose and Connor couldn't stop laughing.

Evan read the next step and yawned. He was looking a little more haggard lately. Finals were coming up and though Connor was able to balance work, studying, and sleep, Evan clearly wasn't.

"Hey, do you want to take a nap or something you look really tired?"

"I'm fine," he snapped in a way that didn't seem fine at all.

"I just don't want you to wear yourself out."

"I said I was fine," he said, rolling a ball of dough furiously. "I'm tired of people asking me that. No one thinks I can handle myself. Everyone thinks I'm a pathetic loser who can't handle college."

"I didn't say anything close to that Ev I just think you should get some sleep."

"Why, cause you know so much better than I do? Last time I checked we were both friendless freaks who thought it was better to off themselves than stick it out!"

"Evan..." He felt numb for a second. His ears started ringing. In front of him Evan paled.

"Con I'm sorry I didn't mean..."

"Get out."

"Connor I..."

"Get the fuck out Evan I can't do this right now."

Evan fell silent. He grabbed his coat and left. The oven beeped to let him know the oven was preheated. For the first time in a long time he broke down and sobbed.

His wrists burned.